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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. OK, I’m kind of obsessed with neon pink at the moment. Is it because I had a really, really awesome sweatshirt that said “Washington, DC” in alternating shades of neon pink, yellow and green, which I unwittingly wore to my surprise 16th birthday party? Hey, who knows. I do like this neon pink double-strapped watch from ASOS, though — was $35, now marked to $28. ASOS Neon Pink Double Strap Watch P.S. In tech news, hooray for the Sprint 4G network — there for me when Time Warner Internet is a complete and utter failure. Grumble. (L-2)Workwear sales of note for 3.28.24
Our favorites are in bold!
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meH
OK, since “you can do so much with a law degree…..” (lol. just lol.) I’m having a quarter life crisis.
I’m a 3rd year litigator in a general practice mid-law firm. I like commercial lit/labor and employment OK, and typically do this work….when things get slow and I go looking for work, I end up with one jr. partner’s worker’s comp files (defending). I HATE THIS TYPE OF WORK, but am not in a position to turn it down when hours are low or the people who normally give me work are out of the office. Problem is, the junior partner who started giving me comp work keeps coming in with this $hit. I was literally crying today (closed door) thinking, “yes, this is your life. well done. you are $100k in debt and defending worker’s comp claims” (some people may love this type of work. i despise….it is not the prestige factor, but I just find it really dreadfully tiresome. even though insurance companies always pay their bills, their work makes me really sad/irritated/annoyed/bored/frustrated/anxious/etc.). To add to my frustration, our partnership/bonus track is receivables based (so based on the amount of $ that actually comes in, rather than hours)–I can spend 4 hours on a full rate client or 1.5 DAYS on the comp work to bring in the same margins… (while my peers in corp. or m and a are doing full-rate work). There’s no upside for MeH.
If this becomes a big part of my practice, I cannot see myself being well-adjusted after 20 years. (luckily, it will take me more than that to pay off my law school debt, barring mega-millions jackpot). I’m OUT. I guess, 2 questions:
(1) is there a socially graceful way to opt out of a certain type of work if you do not want your career to head that way? (most of this person’s work is not time sensitive. I have tried to say, “i have x, y, and z with hard deadlines in the next 2 weeks. I will not be able to get to this until x date,” but this is not a disincentive. i still end up with the file). I understand that I must pay my dues and due unpleasant work because $*hit rolls downhill….BUT I don’t want this to be my career path/specialty. Jr. Partner does this work exclusively. there’s another associate (jr. to me) who tends well towards ins. defense and claims to love it because “he can get it down to a science” because all of the claims are similar). I do not want to be junior comp-work partner’s next in line! How to change this course?
(2) what are my exit options? (realistically?). Mid-law, small-ish midwestern city (although large for the region).
LawyrChk
Wish I could reply with advice, but instead eagerly want to hear what others say on this. There are a couple partners I work for that I’d like to dodge as well. They aren’t evil, but I do not like working with them. I’ve tried to politely put off work like you’re doing but somehow they always end up giving me the work anyway.
Ruby
You need to start plotting your transition to something else on the side. No, I imagine you can’t turn down much assigned work in your job. Make a proactive plan. Is there a firm you think you’d like better? A different type of job? Plot out what landing those spots would take, make a 3-yr plan and execute. I’m talking about doing stuff for free on the side, when you are exhausted. I was in L&E and hated it. I spent 3 yrs on side joining committees on stuff I was interested in, got a certificate, joined a nonprofit board, etc. It led to my dream job. It was tiring to plug away, but no one is going to hand you a transition without you pulling yourself up and doing it.
Bada$$ McGee
This. If you have a billable hours requirement, and you don’t have enough work to make your goal, you need to accept whatever work you can get, no matter how tedious / glamorous.
If you have enough work to get you to hour billable goal, I always found that some version of, “Because of my other deadlines, I’m not going to be able to turn my attention to this until [some date in the future]” typically worked well. However, there will always be some partners who consider your turning down work to be a bridge burner, no matter how reasonable your excuse might seem (or how unreasonable their demand is). Be okay with the fact that if you turn down work from a partner once, you might not get to work with them again.
And, as Ruby said, start plotting your transition to something else.
anonz
Do you have a mentor there? Can you say something about how you’re really interested in x and would love to do more of that work? That won’t help you right this second, but if a few higher-ups know that you really like x, they will keep you in mind when opportunities for x come up.
Em
I think the easiest way to do this (relatively speaking) is to get to a point where you have so much going on for other partners, that – when asked by the partner you don’t want to work for – you can say “You know, Partners X and Y have given me projects that are taking all my time right now” – and leave it for the junior partner to fight it out with them if he wants your time. Since he’s junior, he probably won’t be successful with that. That’s easier said then done, I know, but I think taking on as many projects as you can with the people you like, even if it leaves you temporarily overloaded, and doing a really superlative job on them, can pay off in terms of being able to turn down the stuff you don’t like gracefully and ending up with a reasonable caseload.
Former MidLevel
Sorry to hear you’re struggling with this. But you are right to worry about getting pigeonholed in a specialty you don’t like.
As far as “a socially graceful way to opt out of a certain type of work if you do not want your career to head that way,” this depends a lot on your firm and circumstances. But if work is slow, it’s hard to turn down work without: (1) looking like a prima donna; or (2) getting on the layoff list.
I second all the advice about plotting your “escape” – you may not be able to make a transition right away. But I found that when I spent my rare, precious free time networking and working on developing my skills and expertise in my desired area (maybe for you it could be writing an article for your local bar journal on an area you would prefer to practice in), it helped ease the day-to-day misery because I knew I was on a better path. Good luck!
CountC
I got stuck in moderation so I apologize for reposting . . .
I am applying for a marketing position within a law firm. I have marketing experience, although it has been about 7 years since I have worked in that industry. I have practiced law for the last 4 years. The job description on the website of the firm requests a “work sample” and salary requirements. I have no idea what to use as a work sample. Also, I do not want to give salary requirements at this stage, but am afraid my application will not be considered without them. Any advice on how to proceed is appreciated!
May
Having dark thoughts about getting rid of a heap of stuff since I am running low on storage space. Some stuff is admittedly good quality, and perhaps I might need a reading lamp again someday… You get the picture.
How do you deal with situations like this? Just toss?
Really interested in how the hive views this. Thanks, and have a great weekend!
Esquared
I have literally never thought twice about anything after giving it away.
JUST DO IT! Sometimes it can help to have a friend there for moral support & encouragement.
I make myself feel better about it by just telling myself that if I do need it again in the future, I’ll buy a cooler, better, more fun one. AND Depending on the city you live in, the use of your real estate is probably worth a lot more than that silly lamp that’s hogging it.
so anonymous
I donate to those charities that come and pick stuff up from your house. It makes it so effortless, and even when I am stressing about giving away an item I might someday have a “use” for, at least I can tell myself that someone can use it more than me (and the charity gives you a receipt for tax purposes).
Seattleite
I give myself permission to keep a few things that I’m truly ambivalent about, but they have to go to a halfway point like the garage or a storage unit, in a sealed box (or in a big garbage bag). Then in 6 months or a year I clear all that away to a donation center, WITHOUT OPENING THEM.
I’ve also been known to roughly calculate replacement costs v. storage/moving costs+my time costs in locating the darn thing.
Finally, I had to admit to myself that my tendency to keep things stemmed from my (rather poor) childhood. I tell myself OUT LOUD that it’s okay to let it go, and that if I need to get another one I’ll have the money to do so.
From recent posts, I know it sounds like I talk to myself a lot. But it only takes about five minutes a day, swearsies.
Eleanor
Hey, no shame in talking to yourself. I have experienced some shame when I realize I’ve been talking to myself as I walk down the street and there is a person nearby whom I didn’t notice, but who sure noticed me. The actual talking, though, I think is fine. I just find myself interesting.
karenpadi
Do it. I recycled all of my childhood stuffed animals (they were pretty ratty) in one fit of cleaning even though my mom shipped them 2000 miles to me because she didn’t want them in her basement anymore. It was after a day of helping a friend pack up her house and seeing all that stuff. It had just accumulated after 13 years. I was horrified.
Elysian
Give give give. If you have some things that are just TOO hard to give away to charity, maybe try Freecycle. It’s a list-serv system, and there ought to be one close to you. You just put out a message that looks like “Offer: My grandmother’s old sewing machine” describe it a little and see who replies. When I have trouble giving something away, I’ll freecycle it and be really picky about who I give it to. Then, its more like I’m giving someone a gift of something that I love but just don’t need. If you pick the right person they’ll be really appreciative, and then you’ll feel better knowing its being used well and by someone who will care for it.
Hel-lo
You can always go back to Goodwill and buy that lamp if you really need it. But probably, the really poor people will need it more.
Hoarding Disorder runs in my family. It’s a constant struggle. I have to make little bargains with myself. And continuously remind myself that having the space is better than having the stuff.
CKB
I’m an accountant, so often things come down to money for me. I think, how much will it cost me to buy a new reading lamp in 5 years. $50? OK, is that so much money that I won’t be able to afford it in 5 years? No? Donate it. Or, is it worth it to me to store the lamp for $10/year? No? Get rid of it.
I’m almost at the point with our storage unit that I want to get rid of everything in it. Unfortuantely there are several things with lots of sentimental value that we just don’t have room for right now that I really don’t want to get rid of, so the storage unit stays. But each year the stuff in it gets less.
Blonde Lawyer
My parents, who live miles from a body of water, were victims of freak flooding sometime back. (The flood that made the national news because a mall in RI was underwater.) They had hoarded all kinds of crap in their basement. There was basically a path through the middle and just stuff. They are older and have health problems and couldn’t deal with the mess. The flooding was about knee deep. My husband and I spent a weekend hauling ridiculously heavy wet junk out into the yard (wearing full protective gear). Eventually, it all went into a dumpster. The dumpster was pre-paid for up to one ton of stuff. My parents exceeded their pre-paid allotment.
I used to sentimentally save everything. After that experience, I view stuff so differently. My new standard is “if my house flooded, would I want I be glad I had kept this when I’m hauling it to the dumpster?” The worst things water-weight wise were bags of clothes that were supposed to go to good will and bags of plastic bottles to go to the redemption center. They all filled with water. Also, my parents did lose some very sentimental items in the flood. To that I said “why were these treasures in the basement to begin with!!!” So, that was my other kick in the pants to actually do something with the things I wouldn’t want to lose. Scan those old black and white navy photos. Make a shadow box of grandpas coins. Don’t just through everything somewhere to be dealt with later.
So – look at your crap. If you want to keep it, do something with it. If you don’t, remind yourself that you don’t want to have to haul it out after a flood or fire and get rid of it now.
Booklover
Hi all,
I’m looking for a spring/summer work-appropriate perfume. I tried some at Ulta and they all either smelled too sweet/fruity or had this weird plastic smell. The no goes included Issey Miyake (sp?), Ralph Lauren Blue, and Lancome O. I liked DKNY touch of verbena, but it only lasted about 30 min. on me. I’m thinking something citrusy/green/watery.
May
Started a bottle of Cool Water woman yesterday and it lasted and seemed right for my workplace. Still not got over Nina but admittedly too girly for me now, for most occasions.
A friend used to wear Bvlgari classic and smelt amazing but I understand they don’t sell that anymore.
Bah
flowerbomb?
randomly, (promise I am not 16), viva la juicy by juicy courture is nice. I also like escada, Poppy, etc.
anon
The general consensus on the boards have been that you really shouldn’t wear scent to work, but if you must: Channel- Cristalle, Dior-Eau Savage, Jil Sander-Man, 4711, Balmain-Jolie Madame and Bottega Veneta. Yes, some of these are men’s fragrances, but they work on women as well. I also think that a lot of the Hermes scents will be work appropriate
Look for scents that have bergamont, vetiver and violet in their formulations as those notes don’t read so “perfumey”.
Makeup Junkie
Or get perfume oils! Perfume oils are perfect for work because the scent is a lot closer so someone would have to be very close indeed to get a whiff.
cici
I don’t remember that being the consensus at all, it seemed like at least half if not more wore scent to work.
I really like Marc Jacobs Daisy for the spring/summer
Booklover
I don’t work in the corporate/legal world, so maybe wearing perfume (or not) is a bigger deal to those who do. I’m just looking for something suitable for everyday for an early-40s woman who doesn’t want to smell like a fruit salad topped with sugar syrup!
Darby
I like hesperides by fresh
Anonymous
Burberry. Just plain old Burberry. LOVE IT
Anonymous
I liked the sample of dkny verbena,too. I really enjoyed Diane von Furstenburg’s new fragrance. Not sure of it’s summery, but the scent lasted all day (in a good way).
Jacqueline
You could also try Now Smell This, the perfume blog (n s t p e r f u m e . c o m) for more ideas. The community is helpful and friendly — and truly obsessed with perfume. They have a feature called The Monday Mail where readers write in asking for perfume recommendations based on their interests, personalities, or other perfumes they like.
anonz
If you do this, please report back! I bet a few of us would love to know what they suggest for you!
West Coast 3L
Try Chanel Chance Eau Fraiche. Love. Versace Versense and Gaultier Classique X are amazing as well, but don’t last as long. I picked up Armani Acqua di Gioia a few weeks ago and it hits the watery note well, but it also has a hint of sweet white floral, which makes my head hurt.
Confession: my guilty pleasure is actually just a touch of Versace Pour Homme. I know, I know, men’s cologne, but by just using a teeny tiny bit, you get that perfect fresh, citrusy, watery, ever so musky scent without smelling like aftershave. I’ve spent months looking for the perfume equivalent and it just doesn’t exist. So I caved.
Bada$$ McGee
There is such a thing as work-appropriate perfume.
Bada$$ McGee
dangit! That was supposed to read: There is *no* such thing as work-appropriate perfume.
To clarify: just don’t do it. Save the perfume for dates, going out, social occasions, etc.
ELS
Completely unrelated to the usual topics of conversation on this board, but please bear with me. My husband and I have two very adorable little cats that are just under a year old, a boy and a girl. We just had the boy in to the vet to get checked out because he’s awfully skinny, and they found a heart murmur that they’re worried may be the start of heart failure.Because we’re totally crazy cat people, we’re taking him to a feline cardiologist on Tuesday to get an ultrasound done and determine what (if anything) is the matter, and what we need to do for him.
In the meantime, I’ve been doing the ugly cry at random times throughout the day. I know he’s just a cat, but DH and I don’t have kids (and don’t plan on having kids) so our little furballs are very, very important to us.
Any good thoughts from the hive would be very much appreciated.
Tired Squared
Thinking good thoughts for you and the kitties, ELS.
ELS
Thanks so much. We’ve luckily got the means to get him treatment and help to make him comfortable/happy if it’s a serious problem. He’s a great cat and has the best kitty life ever in our house and gets lots and lots of love, so I’m not worried about him knowing we love him to pieces.
The thing that I keep focusing on (which is, btw, the worst thing to focus on) is how much DH and I would miss him, to say nothing of his kitty “sister.” We got them around the same time, they’re a month apart in age, and they love each other to pieces.
I guess I just wasn’t prepared for something that’s potentially serious at this stage of his little life.
Tired Squared
I completely understand– my last cat passed away around 18 months due to heart problems. But in her case, her heart/lungs never fully developed, so she was extraordinarily lucky to have the time that she had. I hope that your little boy is fine … or that if he does have a problem, that it is VERY treatable! Please keep us updated!
PharmaGirl
Poor baby isn’t even a year old yet? I remember the intense feeling of love and attachment from the day I brought home my rescue kitten. It would break my heart to lose that little furball, even though she’s ruined every piece of furniture I own in the past 12 years. :(
I hope he comes through this okay and you’re amazing for doing what you are for him.
EmpLawyer
We had a kitty who lived to be 17 years old with a heart condition. (He actually got good about taking his daily meds.) In the end, he passed away from an unrelated condition (most likely cancer). Best wishes for you and your kitty!
ELS
Thanks everyone. I’m feeling a little better about the whole thing today, and Boy Cat is his normal, playful, sweet self. I’ll let you all know when we know more.
Echo
Best of luck to him and you and your husband. Cats can be such an important part of life– I’d do anything for mine, too.
Pinecone
I cannot imagine my life before our crazy canine.. lots and lots of best wishes for you and your little guy.
anon
Good luck. Your kitty is so lucky to have parents like you. A pet who is loved and adored can survive so much more. My fingers are tightly crossed that this is a very treatable problem.
Bluejay
My cat has a kidney disorder, and (you guessed it) she also has a nephrologist who’s been caring for her since she was 2, so I know exactly how you feel. Specialized veterinary medicine is very advanced and, if the cardiologist you will probably have lots of options for treatment. Don’t despair, and give your little guy some extra kisses and pets. It’s proven that snuggling with a pet lowers your stress level and blood pressure!
ELS
Bluejay, I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s done the vet specialist thing. Growing up we never had sick cats, so this is all a learning experience for me.
And FWIW, Gus (my little boy cat) has no idea that he’s potentially sick. He’s been running around and terrorizing his sister all weekend. Though I think he’s glad of the extra cuddles he’s been getting.
Bada$$ McGee
ELS, thinking of you! I hope you can take comfort in knowing that Mr. ELS Kitty will have a great life with you and DH, regardless of its length. And also, think positive! You don’t know if this is heart failure yet. Mr. ELS Kitty very well might be with you for a long time to come.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m not super religious but found a ton of comfort in this prayers for pets blog when my cat was very ill. I posted on this blog asking for some very specific things. They all happened the next morning. Coincidence? I hope you find it similarly comforting.
http://prayersforourpets.blogspot.com/
ELS
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m not religious at all, but I too, find this very comforting.
Seattleatty
I’m looking for recommendations for a nice watch that I can use for everyday wear. I’m looking for something rather small and lady like, preferably with a gold band and a small face. I’m petite with a small frame, so I don’t want to overwhelm my wrist with anything large. I’m hoping to spend no more than a couple hundred and I don’t care about brand status. Any brand or specific watch recommendations will be much appreciated!
Thanks in advance!
Ellie
I LOVE Kate Spade’s new watch collection.
Echo
Wow, I think I know what I want for my next big present! Those are gorgeous.
PharmaGirl
I asked for a burberry watch for my birthday (link to follow). It’s pricey but I’m obsessed with it and have never owned a nice watch.
PharmaGirl
Here’s the link…
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/burberry-ladies-two-tone-square-case-bracelet-watch/3180914?origin=category&resultback=6296
anon
Such a pretty watch! Although it wouldn’t fit my personal style, I love the band. Personally, I am saving my pennies for a Kate Spade watch, the Waldorf strap is my favorite.
eek
Love my Burberry watch, too. They are usually on sale at the anniversary sale. Mine is almost 3 yrs old and no scratches on the dial (it’s crystal sapphire).
Accountress
Nordstrom has some lovely Skagen watches- just got one for my mom, she loves it.
HotChildintheCity
Could anyone shed some light on the purported rule of thumb ratio of 1:3 between hourlysalary and billable rate for attorneys? I’ve read elsewhere and seen mentioned here that an atty should generally make 1/3 of the rate at which her firm bills her out to clients. I’m only two years out of law school, but due to the tough market and other circumstances, I just landed my first associate position at a small firm 3 months ago ( the past year and half I spend working in quasi-legal-related temp jobs). I view my position as that of a first year associate because I have been with the firm for less than a year I know that my firm bills me out at about $275 an hour. I make $80,000, which I believe is around average for small firm compensation for first year associates in my market (Irvine, CA). My salary, when computed out to an hourly rate, is nowhere near 1/3 of my billable rate. So, my question is, what;s wrong here? Is the 1:3 ratio more for big firm compensation rates than small firms? Is my firm billing me out at a higher-than-market rate
Gail the Goldfish
I’m at a small/mid firm in NYC and I’m nowhere near 1/3, either, so I’m curious about this, too.
karenpadi
They’ve padded your rate for the extra hours they anticipate it will take to train you. It looks like they expected to bill about half your hours this year (you bill 1800 and they bill the client 900 of those) and write off the rest. That’s a pretty reasonable expectation.
Also, are you in an area of litigation where you are paid on a contingency basis or where the opposing party is expected to pay your clients’ fees (lemon law?)? In that case, they jack up the hourly rate because the judge will write down hours.
That said, I don’t even bill out at $275 (2005 grad). That’s a really high rate for someone just starting. So I’m not surprised you aren’t getting a third. I think they are shortchanging you a bit but, like you said, it’s a tough market. I’d stick around, you should be getting good raises or bonuses as you get more efficient. If you aren’t at 100k in two years, I’d look elsewhere.
Anonymous NYer
I don’t think 275 is that high at all to be billed out. After law school, before I found a slightly more permanent gig, I worked part-time for a solo practitioner, and she billed me at 250 to her clients, and I wasn’t even admitted yet (I had passed the bar though). Granted, it was a specialized and somewhat expensive area of law, in a high cost of living area.
However, to the OP, 80k seems great (I wish I was making that) for a ‘first year’ at a small firm. I think the ratio is bogus.
Peasy
Offbeat Question for ‘Rettes –
I just read a pretty gross article about a Kotex tampon purchased that had mold on it on Consumerist – and some of the commenters brought up something called “Diva Cup” to use instead of sanitary pads/tampons. Is this something that’s been discussed here or that anyone has any experience with?
I looked it up here – http://www.divacup.com/ – and I’m sort of intrigued, but concerned about the hassle of cleaning (and sanitation) and re-using.
karenpadi
I used the divacup for about a year. I never got the hang of it and always had some days where a seal hadn’t formed. The daily positioning and cleaning wasn’t bad if I could do it at home. I didn’t mind cleaning it because I usually had to wash my hands anyway handling the filled cup. In a public restroom, well, I wouldn’t attempt it.
After each cycle, I would boil it for ten minutes to sanitize it. I bought a really cheap pot at kmart for this purpose (I’m icked out by my own bodily fluids and food, yes it’s irrational). My dad, my then-boyfriend, and my brother loved to use that pot for some reason and it cracked me up. But I didn’t dare tell them why I really had that cheap pot. :-)
That said, some women (including my best friend) love the diva cup. My bestie has had hers for over a decade.
Bluejay
I had the same problem with a seal not forming, and believe me, I always found out that the seal didn’t form at the worst possible time. Never again.
Lynnet
We had a really long discussion on this in the past, probably six months to a year ago. A lot of people had really good things to say about the diva cup and it made me interested in trying it out, but I’ve been too lazy to do so yet.
Laura #2
This is the thread (which even got a STFU Corporette mention):
https://corporette.com/2011/09/23/weekend-open-thread-101/#comment-520579
I won’t re-write my pros/cons list, but I am clearly a fan and suggest you try it. Just know it will probably take a few cycles until you really feel comfortable with it (if you do at all) – I hated it the first time I tried it and now can’t imagine going back.
Gail the Goldfish
Hey, I made it STFU Corporette! I’m going to take that as a point of pride.
(And “standing on line” just doesn’t make sense. Seriously. Think about it. There’s not some line on the ground that you’re standing on top of–well, not usually. You are, in fact, the line. You are therefore in line. )
TCFKAG
Weirdly, I had somehow missed this tumblr’s existence. Now my new goal will be to make it on there. Must strive to be more offensive.
XOXO
eek
STFU Gail the Goldfish!!!! j/k :D
rosie
I have one, but I have never really gotten the hang of it. I keep Instead cups around, which are disposable, as other alternatives to pads/tampons (and you can wear them during s*x). I used to use them much more often, but for some reason I stopped being able to insert them correctly and get them to stay in place, and they’re not comfortable.
I saw that article, too, it made me want to go back to OB.
CKB
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Diva cup. I’ve been using it for 2 years and never had an issue. I wash with water & gentle soap during AF and then boil to sanitize just before I need to use it again. I find it quite comfortable, but I don’t like to run in it. I always need to use a pantyliner because it leaks a tiny bit (i’ve had 3 kids, though, and the last was 9lbs).
If you think it’s something you can handle sticking in & taking out on a regular basis, and it does get your fingers a little dirty, I’d recommend trying it.
cbackson
I used it for two cycles back in the day (I took Seasonale then, so I only had periods every 4-5 months), and I loved how long I could leave it in, and how much cleaner I felt (for some reason, there wasn’t as much of that iron-y smell when I used it). But I got a UTI every cycle that I used it, which was, to put it mildly, un-fun.
Now I have a Mirena IUD, which (fingers crossed), appears to have dramatically reduced my periods, so this is less of an issue.
layered bob
LOVE my diva cup. Started using it in 2008 and haven’t used a tampon since then.
For people who couldn’t get a seal with the diva cup, there are many shapes/sizes of men strual cups to try – all my friends use cups but we all use different brands.
Cleaning – I boil and sanitize with hydrogen peroxide. Here’s a community with a TON of info about cups: http://menstrual-cups.livejournal.com/
DC anon
I use the Keeper (same concept as Diva Cup, but I think different brand, so perhaps there may be slight differences in the design). I went to a hippie-ish college where a lot of girls used them and I was really skeptical and grossed out at first, but I finally converted and honestly am way happier. Unlike others, I’ve rarely had problems with it not sealing. In fact, one of the few downsides for me has been that the seal is strong enough it can be slightly uncomfortable to remove it. Have used it for about 2 years and it’s held up really well — I’m really pleased at how much money I will likely save over the long term compared to tampons, since it looks likely it will last for about 10 years, as advertised. It can be a bit awkward and unwieldy compared to tampons, but for me it’s been worth it for 1) savings 2) lower impact on the environment and, most importantly, 3) no risk of toxic shock. I used to forget and leave tampons in for 24+ hours (bad, I know…) and then would freak out every time I had a chill or a headache. The only circumstances under which I would look back, I think, would be if my flow got heavy enough that I needed to change it frequently throughout the workday. (I don’t like changing it in public.)
As for cleaning, I usually wash it pretty intensively with hot water and soap in the shower once a day while I’m using it, and then again at the end of the cycle. It seems to work fine, although I’ve considered starting to boil it as well just for extra sanitary precaution.
F in LA
I like the Diva cup because it’s unobtrusive, but I also have leak issues, so I also use a pad.
Anonymous
I’ve been alternating between divacup and Instead for years. I keep tampons for emergencies (in my desk at work, for example), but I much prefer Instead.
anon mouse
dear ‘rettes:
I posted about 6 months ago when I was first starting a job after undergrad and was having a hard time adjusting seeking advice/sympathy/a kick in the pants. I received so many reassuring comments and helpful suggestions, I just wanted to make a quick note and say thank you! I’ve posted a few times since then on random issues and I really appreciate the collective wisdom. I’m really enjoying my work, can see this possibly becoming a career (as much as any 22 year old can)… and I’m probably the most appropriately dressed female in the office!
Love the support here.
xo anon mouse
anon mouse
also, what a poorly written paragraph. they should moderate out comments posted beyond 20 hours of consecutive awake hours.
Brit
Has anyone here ever worked with their best friend? Just been offered a great job at my friend’s work. We would be in different teams and probably wouldn’t see each other on a day to day basis, but I’m just wondering whether it would impact on our friendship. We are pretty competitive as it is. Any advice?
Tired Squared
I worked with a best friend once. We were in the same group and worked together on a daily basis … and we’re no longer friends, much less best friends, anymore.
For what it’s worth, I’ve had much better luck turning co-workers into close friends than turning a close friend into a co-worker.
L
Yes, we’re in different groups and it is such a blessing. It is amazing to have here there and it has only made us closer :)
It can be done
I work on the same team as a good friend of mine, but we were co-workers at another company and became friends out of that. So far, it’s been working well, but I think it has been helped by the fact that we worked together previously and have a background as co-workers in addition to being friends.
Having a conversation about expectations could be helpful – how often will you eat lunch together, when will you include each other in work outings, etc. This doesn’t need to be a formal conversation, but just getting a sense of her expectations up front could help you avoid confusion/hurt feelings down the road.
Brit
Thanks all for the advice. I’m also slightly worried about the cross over between work life and social life. Will ponder it some more.
EasterBunny
Have any of you dealt with feeling like you’re hyper-aware of *everything* going on around you? I have a hard time not noticing some of the weird things people are doing around me (ex: the girl peeling off her sunburn on the subway, the guy tapping his toe a mile a minute at a table next to me, the woman who keeps adjusting her underwear on the treadmill) and while it can be distracting at times, I’m mostly bothered by it because it makes me so self-conscious of everything I’m doing. I end up being so aware of everything I do- at the dinner table it’s did that lime juice splatter near someone, at a bar I’m wondering what exactly I should be doing with my empty hand, etc. that it makes it hard to enjoy certain situations. It’s not a major problem, and it’s not one I think anyone else has been able to pick up on, but I think dealing with it would go a long way in my personal comfort in certain situations and would make me so much more relaxed!
Anon
All I can do is say, “me too!” And I think it’s not everyone who is like this. You know how your cover letters all say, “attention to detail”? Mine do too. And my attention to detail is excellent. I am also unfortunately extremely self-critical. I work on it.
Jacqueline
Yes! Sometimes I feel like this at the office, and it drives me crazy. I put on headphones. It’s harder to avoid on public transit or at the gym.
ChocCityB&R
Just as a heads up, if this starts to really have an impact on your ability to interact with others, do your job, or leave your house, you should consider seeing a professional. I have had similar symptoms right before having a panic attack, and a lot of my “attention to detail” stems from an overwhelming anxiety problem and low self esteem, as well as some obsessive compulsive stuff. So long as this isn’t hurting your life, it’s just a quirk of your personality and in a lot of ways a true asset that you should use to your benefit. If it starts to make your life more difficult, consider seeing someone or reigning it in.
LongTimeSingleton
Wise ladies:
After being single pretty much since college, I met someone wonderful in my early 30s. We have now been together for almost 2 years, and this is serious and real and wonderful. I adore his company, we have a great time together, and we share almost every major life goal (and talk well about the ones we don’t). I am genuinely happier when he is around, and I very badly want to marry him and start a family together. I have never seriously even imagined doing that with anyone else.
BUT. I always liked my single life. I like my apartment. I like my friends (almost all single). I like my closet and my coffee shop and my schedule. Even though we spend 5-6 nights/week together, having my own place feels still very me. We are talking now about moving in together, which makes me really, really happy…but a little sad too. What about sleeping in the middle of the bed? Having things exactly the way I left them? Also, we are planning on getting a way nicer apartment, which means moving about a mile away from all my friends to a less ritzy neighborhood.
Yes, I realize that I am EXTREMELY lucky. And I am 98% thrilled. But does anyone commiserate with my 2% sad? (To be fair, he does, actually…since he too is a long-time singleton.)
NOLA
Yep, I totally commiserate with your 2%. I didn’t realize until after my divorce how smothering that much togetherness was for me. I should have relished more those alone times I had. I have come to really enjoy my independence and my alone time, as much as I love my SO. I have wondered since if I could go back to having my life that intertwined with another person. That said, I think in retrospect, I could have done more on my own or with friends, and I could have enjoyed the time I had alone more, rather than worrying about when he was coming home. It sounds like you two could find that balance – happily doing your own thing in separate areas of the house, but still “home together.” Congratulations! I think you’ll make it work.
Anonymous
I really really encourage you to get a place with enough space to have your own room. My husband has an in-home office because he works at home and I wish that I had my own place for all of my things as well as a place to go when I want to meditate, or read, or whatever. I should add that we have a kid so the lack of privacy gets to me. I will say that my husband and I are not jealous of each other and he is fine when I spend time with my friends or family and he has no resentment about taking care of our son when I am out. So, get married, be happy, but make sure from the beginning that you designate time and space for you.
KK
I think this is a pretty normal feeling. I got married at 27 and we had been together since 21, but a lot of that time was long distance so I had my own friends/life/work and he had his. We were both used to going out whenever or wherever and just calling to check in at the end of the night. Had our own stuff, apartments, cleaning habits, etc. And at 27, I felt that I was a pretty confident, mature, independent woman who was used to taking care of everything herself. This is probably all true to an even greater extent for you. I do think it’s different than people who get married in their early 20s before they’ve had to live as a fully independent adult yet- not saying it’s easier, just different.
I will say the first year of marriage has been mostly about learning to join our lives and spaces. We lived together for a few months before marriage, and had done so for various periods (of a few months) on and off previously, as grad school schedules allowed, but it was still an adjustment. It’s a little more of an adjustment than I expected, honestly. But it is worth it, for me. It’s a tradeoff- you are sacrificing some degree of autonomy for the benefits of having a partner in everything.
I’m still in the middle of it, so not sure I have enough perspective to give you great insight. But I would just suggest that you be patient, understand that there will be some sacrifices and that’s ok (you don’t set feminism back 50 years by compromising with your SO), and make sure you guys can talk about disagreements without getting too angry.
Jacqueline
Totally understand. I LOVE my apartment and my alone time, and while I know that when I meet the right guy, I’ll be willing to give up some of that independence to make room for someone wonderful, a part of me is already a little wistful about sacrificing personal time and space. Especially if you’ve been single for 8-10 years post-college and most of your friends are single, it’s only natural that you would have been focused on building a life you love. The fact that you’re very aware of these feelings and willing to talk them out with him is a good sign. Good luck, and congratulations on taking the next step!
Hel-lo
I’m with you. I’m also getting ready to move in with my bf, having lived alone for 7 years.
I’m mostly worried about his kitchen holding all of my things. :)
But yeah. Make sure he understands that you need time to yourself. He probably needs time to himself, too.
Lynnet
I definitely felt like this. I got married at 25, after dating my now-husband since I was 17, but I’d also lived alone for four years prior to getting married and loved it. The hardest part of getting married was adjusting to living with someone else. But a year and a half later, I have to say that I’m adjusted and that I love being married.
Fwiw, I’d be more worried if you weren’t a little bit sad/scared before moving in together or getting married. It’s a big decision. Being sad means that you recognize that.
Amy H.
Yes, definitely. I think mine was more like 10%! DH and I met when we were both early 30’s and were long-distance for the first few years of our relationship. Moved in together at the same time he moved to my city (about three years after meeting) and I had several meltdowns while looking for the apt. we would rent together. So there we were, both ~35 years old neither ever having lived with someone before, and both extremely set in our ways re: living/housekeeping/lifestyle/space/alone time.
What helped most:
* Finding an apt. to rent together that I *loved*. Truly a gorgeous place and seriously under-market — we lucked out — so that I felt much better about leaving my 1BR where I’d been happily solo for 4 years;
* Acknowledging outright to each other, multiple times, that we both like, want and need independent time and space;
* The fact that we have pretty similar levels of comfort re: how clean/neat/picked up the apt. should be on an everyday basis — we also explicitly divided up chores (I do most of the laundry; he does most of the cooking; whoever didn’t cook dinner does evening dishes cleanup; we grocery shop together, etc.);
* We got a decently large place, with separate closets and a separate office vs. living room and big kitchen — this way, at any given time, we can each be in our own space even though there’s not a “his room” and a “my room”;
* When we moved to a different apt. several years ago (a year before we got married) and had the room for it, we got a king bed. Amazing.
I also have a pretty time-consuming hobby outside of work, and he knows I want to be able to commit time to that without his feeling like I’ve abandoned him for the hobby. Similarly, he likes to do gym/boot camp workouts, which I don’t enjoy. Just make sure to set expectations, and discuss things like this up front. There will likely still be plenty of things you like to do together. Moving in together doesn’t mean you have to be joined at the hip.
But I empathize!
roses
Sort-of-TJ, but has anyone had to deal with the opposite experience? I’ve never lived alone in my entire life, and currently live with my SO. However, next year we will temporarily (9 months) be living apart. I’m the one moving from our current place, and I’m torn on what living situation I should look for. On the one hand, living alone sounds lonely, and I’m the type to get a little suspicious of every bump in the night, so I think I might be kind of freaked out, at least for a while. On the other, I will be a first year biglaw attorney, and think I might want to enjoy quiet time and not worry about a roommate (whom I probably wouldn’t know) the little time I’m at home. Any thoughts?
NOLA
I went through that right after my divorce and I can’t deny that it was really hard. I took Ambien for awhile just so I could fall asleep and always woke up way too early. Having a cat means I will always hear bumps in the night (she bangs through the door into my bedroom during the night pretty regularly), but I got used to that. Living someplace where you feel very secure really helps. So I would say be picky about a place to live and don’t compromise on security. As you’ll see from my posting above, it does get better. A lot better. You’ll be surprised how not lonely alone can be.
LongTimeSingleton
I got my first place alone when I was 23. I agree 100% about finding a place that you like and where you feel secure. Don’t feel like a baby about wanting a doorman. Don’t feel like you need to venture into edgy neighborhoods. My first place was TEENY (TINY) but it had a doorman and a gym in the building. I walked around the neighborhood a ton during the day and at night to make sure I felt safe and good there.
As a lawyer myself, I think roommates + long-distance SO + new BigLaw job = horrorshow.
Also, a low maintenance pet (like a cat!) might be really nice :)
NOLA
I need some new cooking ideas. I generally cook on Sundays for the week so I need dishes that can be reheated easily. I’d love some new chicken dishes, sauteed or baked, that can be served with lots of veggies and brown rice or whole wheat pasta. Two examples I make already are chicken piccata with mushrooms and artichokes and a baked chicken with spinach and parmesan. My SO likes both of them but I’d like to branch out. I searched epicurious to no avail. Any new ideas?
Bah
Pinterest!
Jacqueline
This is an amazingly simple and delicious chicken recipe I love that requires almost no prep time:
http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/browse-all-recipes/chicken-with-white-beans-and-tomatoes-00000000049733/index.html
coco
Cooking Light just had a bunch of chicken recipes in a recent issue – you can probably get them all online. I usually have to adjust them slightly to my tastes, but it’s a good starting point.
I'm Just Me
Check Everyday Food (on the Martha Stewart website). They have easy, basic but good recipes, many of which can be made ahead. Look for the Mediterranean chicken and the Greek Chicken Cutlets as examples. I just looked and there are 110 chicken recipes on the website.
NOLA
Cool! I’m looking at the chicken breast recipes. Lots of them.
Amy H.
I like the blogs Kitchn and Smitten Kitchen for recipe ideas/inspiration. Also love Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything.
Laura #2
I recommended this last weekend on the vegetarian thread, but it is actually a chicken dish:
http://www.lundsandbyerlys.com/recipes/recipes/a/african-peanut-butter-stew.aspx The stew itself has lots of veggies, and I usually half the chicken (and use chicken breast vs. chicken thigh) and up the veggies, then serve over rice or couscous.
That recommendation came from this blog: http://happilyeverjohnson.blogspot.com/search/label/Grocery%20Bag She publishes a weekly meal plan (Grocery Bag) that usually has at least one chicken dish. The honey ginger chicken bites look tasty but I haven’t made them yet.
Anonymous NYer
tried this last week and loved it. I’m sure you could switch up the sides if you’d rather not have potatoes.
http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/browse-all-recipes/balsamic-poached-chicken-10000001168196/index.html
NOLA
That looks really good! We tend to eat more sweet potatoes than white potatoes but I think it could work otherwise. I bought a couple of cooking magazines today and got some new ideas but I’ll definitely check out these ideas. I’m not a big recipe cook – usually just use recipes as a jumping off point.
KK
For creative healthier recipes, try skinnytaste [dot] com. I think she also puts weight watchers points on there, for those of you doing that. She has some good asian inspired recipe (the turkey meatballs are fantastic and there is also a great dupe of the chicken lettuce wraps from PF Changs. I’m making her baked chicken parm tonight…
Bada$$ McGee
I’ll share with you what I have in the oven right now! I’m having it for dinner tonight and will portion it out & freeze for lunches / dinners this week.
Salmon w/ Tomatoes & Basil. Preheat oven to 450. You’ll need: olive oil, salmon filet, salt & pepper, fresh basil, cherry tomatoes sliced in half, foil. Drizzle olive oil on your foil. Place filet on foil. Salt and pepper filet. Place halved tomatoes + several basil leaves on top. Fold up foil packet to seal it (your salmon will steam in the packet). Place in a roasting pan in your oven. Cook until done. DELICIOUS.
Also, as an easy side, I do tomato-braised swiss chard. Separate chard stems from leaves. Heat olive oil in a sauce pan. Add chopped stems (they’re tougher, need to cook longer). Cook until they start to soften. Add chard leaves + can of tomatoes. Add salt and pepper (and, if you like heat like me, red pepper flakes). Cook until leaves are done. If you need more liquid in the braising process, I suggest plain old chicken stock. Again: DELICIOUS.
NOLA
The fish sounds really good if I could make it with something else (tilapia?). Neither of us like salmon.
Bada$$ McGee
Also, I highly recommend buying a counter-top rotisserie. Mine’s from Cuisinart. I had second thoughts about getting it–would this be one of those things that just sits on my counter (or in a cabinet) unused??
It is f’ing awesome. It makes it so easy to roast absolutely wonderful chicken, shrimp, scallops, veggies, etc. I’ve done quail and cornish game hen in the rotisserie, too, and they’ve come out beautifully. Definitely a worthwhile investment for hassle-free cooking.
NOLA
Interesting idea! I have absolutely no counter space in my kitchen so I bought a baker’s rack and I still have to be careful about what I add. Recently bought a panini press, which we love. I’ll have to have a look at a rotisserie and see how big they are.
Bada$$ McGee
(I lied.)
Since you’re asking for chicken. Here’s one I love. From the Better Homes & Garden New Cookbook ((c) 1996): Sauteed Chicken & Artichoke.
You will needs: 1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves. 1/4 cup flour. 1/4 teasp. salt. 1/4 teasp ground sage. 1/8 teasp. pepper. Veggie oil. Dry white wine. 14-oz can artichoke hearts, drained and halved. 4-oz can sliced mushrooms, drained.
In a bowl, mix up your flour, salt, sage, and pepper. Reserve 1 tablesp. of the flour mixture. Dip rinsed & patted dry chicken in the remaining flour mixture to coat.
Heat cooking oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Toss in your chicken and cook until no longer pink, turning once. Remove from skillet, and drain off excess oil.
Stir together wine + reserved flour mix, then pour into skillet. Add artichoke hearts and mushrooms, and scrape up the crusty bits from the pan. Cook and stir until your sauce is nice and thick and bubbly. Pour over chicken to serve.
Yum!!
NOLA
That’s really similar to my chicken piccata (I make it artichokes and mushrooms). SO loves it, so this might appeal to him, too.
Foul Mouth
I’d like to hear your thoughts on cursing (cussing, swearing, whatever you call it) in semi-professional contexts. I went to a CLE yesterday taught by a fairly offbeat attorney, and he cursed up a storm throughout. It was extremely entertaining, and I would say that it was, by far, the most useful CLE in terms of actual ideas that I could implement in my practice, that I’ve ever been to. Perhaps the relaxed atmosphere, associated with the language, helped that along?
For context, I live in the South, and cursing in courtrooms, even quoting someone in a relevant way (“He said ‘I’ll kick your bleeping bleep'”) will get a contempt charge. But I do hear some attorneys who curse a blue streak in their non-courtroom times, and I admit that I like it. (I went out for dinner and drinks with some of the students and the instructor after the CLE, and, while we had a great time, it was, again, definitely R-rated conversation.) At my firm, I hear the (male and older) partners curse periodically, but not frequently (usually in the context of “X says this, but we know that’s BS”). I’ve maybe seen it a little bit around clients, but only the ones that we’re very, very comfortable with – which I think is appropriate. When I go out with other attorneys, I occasionally run into one like the instructor there, but usually don’t hear much, particularly from my peers.
I have an Italian background, and sort of enjoy cursing a blue streak myself, but I also am the sort who tends towards politeness and introversion, so I rarely take the opportunity.
KK
For whatever reason, I think litigators curse more- something about the personalities drawn to litigation. And especially those in criminal law or other situations where you deal with a lot of “colorful” facts.
Personally, I like it. I have always had a fairly unfiltered vocab and I truly believe that the F word is the most versatile word in the english language. When I started my job, I distinctly remember realizing I would fit in great when I heard how freely my boss (a 55 or so yr old mother of three) let the F word fly.
The only time I have a problem with cursing in general is when it is directed at someone in anger- i.e. yelling “you miserable f***ing a-hole” at someone. But then I’m truly bothered by the anger and disrespect behind the words, not so much the words themselves.
karenpadi
I have mixed feelings about this. I have a potty mouth myself.
The height of my potty mouth was at a firm in a practice group where swearing like a sailor was expected and the partner rewarded us for the most clever ways to drop 4-letter words. In my interview, the partner was wearing a blue streak and I think cinched the job when I accidentally dropped an f-bomb (in my defense, it’s hard for a pottymouth to not swear when someone else is swearing). But that practice group was miserable and awful. There was no respect within the team for the other members of the team and I can’t help but think the swearing was a symptom of the lack of respect.
In my current firm, I think I have the worst pottymouth of anyone (but it’s better than it was). I might occasionally hear a “bullsh*t”. This group is very cohesive and nice to each other. Is the lack of swearing part of that? I think it’s a case of correlation not being causation but I could be wrong.
Bluejay
Pretty much everyone in my department curses like a sailor (a phrase which I maintain should actually be “curse like a lawyer”) and we get along swimmingly, so I think you’re correct that there was no causation. At least based on my personal anecdote.
TCFKAG
Litigators at least at my northern firm, tended to curse like the dickens. I found I actually related to them better when I dropped the occasional f-bomb.
But for me, cursing works better when used infrequently for a bit of shock value. When used as mere punctuation, it loses it’s meaning. So I try to use swearing strategically in conversation (as that CLE instructor probably was to keep everyone’s attention.)
New poster
Hi all,
Someone posted a recipe here recently that was in response to a search for vegetarian main courses. It was some kind of pasta with goat cheese and (I think) maybe walnuts. I am not having any luck searching for it in the comments–if anyone remembers or has it, would you mind re-posting? Thanks!
Jacqueline
Was it this one? http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/ziti-with-portobello-mushrooms-caramelized-onions-and-goat-cheese
New poster
Yes, thank you so much!
Dragon v. Typing
This may be too late in the weekend and too far down in the thread, but does anyone use Dragon dictation instead of typing? Has anyone switched to Dragon after becoming very proficient at writing by typing? How was this experience?
Former MidLevel
I’ve used Dragon and it is pretty good. But you have to invest significant time in “training” it and you still have to carefully proofread after you’re done. I’m a terrible proofreader, so I moved away from Dragon. But it was a life-saver back I was having health issues that made typing very painful.
M-C
I’ve known several people with serious carpal tunnel or general mobility problems who used it. Current versions are hugely improved over the first several ones. It helps a lot if you invest some time up front to train it to understand your special vocabulary, spoken by you. I think it’s a very viable thing, although as all new things it takes a while to switch and to get up to full speed. Much depends on your motivation though, like why you’d want to give up typing if you’re good at it?
Dragon v. Typing
A firm I am looking at requires Dragon! So after many years of typing, I would be required to switch to dictation and switch to Dragon. I was wondering if anyone has done that and how difficult/easy it is. As a seasoned brief writer who types all of her own work, I would have to do things a new and different way.
M-C
There is no way anyone could tell technically how a document was produced, whether by typing or Dragon (it’s not word processing software, it’s an entry interface). So I think you should gleefully agree to whatever, and then you can type to your heart’s content. Except maybe be a little sneaky about it, which shouldn’t be too difficult as the main problem with Dragon is that you really need a private office so as not to drive others crazy.
Typing is a whole lot faster than dictating. Use that as your argument if you get busted and they get nasty about it.
But do give a thought to whether you want to work for a firm that micromanages to that extent, and is so clueless about the technicalities of what they’re doing. It’s great if someone’s discovered Dragon for themselves, not so if they feel like they have to impose it on everyone. What else could they be missionary about? Will they be issuing regulations on underwear like that infamous Swiss bank? And if they can’t even type, you can bet the office is even further behind on good use of computers than most law offices are (no offense to any parties here :-)).
karenpadi
My firm tried to get everyone on Dragon. It never really caught on because it takes so long to train the voice recognition. They gave up and now we are encouraged to dictate documents and send them to an overnight transcription service somewhere in Texas.
M-C
An overnight service almost surely means a long chain of around-the-world subcontractors, ending with some poor person in Indonesia. Great for client confidentiality..
Really, getting Dragon trained doesn’t take that long. And learning to type isn’t that bad either.
A to Z
Here is another interview related question. If you wear your favorite power suit to an interview or informal interview type meeting, and then you meet with that same person again, like maybe for a second interview type meeting or to meet others in the firm, what do you wear? Can you wear the same suit with different shirt, shoes and accessories, or do you need to start all over again with a different power outfit?
Anon
I’d find a second powerful outfit! Every Corporette can use at least two ;)
Echo
I just had two interviews in a short period of time; I have two different suits for this purpose, and they were quite impressed. It’s always good to have a backup outfit, anyway. I don’t think you’ll be thought of less, however, if you wear the same suit with a different shirt.
BrokeBridesmaid
So I finally had the wedding shower today and I just need to vent about how terrible it was! I drove 1.5 hours each way, got there early, didn’t really know anyone so I felt awkward for most of the time, had to help unwrap the gifts while the bride’s sister slacked off, and the mother had to take a picture with every single gift! Ugh it took up my entire day and now I’m exhausted, but have a ton of work to do.
Also, the bride told me that they are having the rehearsal dinner the night before, but she didn’t tell me earlier and my family usually skips it so I didn’t even think of it. I think my b/f has plans that night and he asked me if it was okay before he made them so I can’t fault him for that. Now I just have to decide if I want to go or not and if so, to drive the 1.5 hours each way or shell out another 1.5 for a hotel room alone. Opinions?
seriously
Haven’t seen earlier posts on this, so there may be more to the story, but this seems a bit whiny to me. Yes, it took up your day, but presumably this person is a friend of yours? It is too bad you don’t seem to just be happy for her and happy to be part of her day.
I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t do rehearsal dinners, and yes, they usually are the night before. I’ve been a bridesmaid several times where I lived in a different state from the bride, and it was always expected (by me and by the bride) that I would be there for that. I would imagine your friend’s feelings would be hurt if you skipped the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Not to mention that maybe if you go, you’ll get to know some of the rest of the wedding party so you won’t feel awkward?
BrokeBridesmaid
Yes, it was definitely whiny. Did you not see the part where I said I just need to vent? The bridal party is myself and her sister, just us two. She has no other close friends so there was no one else even close to my age. All of the guests were relatives or older women who were friends of her mother. Obviously if there were 4 or 5 other bridesmaids, it wouldn’t be so bad. The awkwardness comes from that so going to the rehearsal dinner wouldn’t help much. Plus, when she told me about it, she specifically said it wasn’t such a big deal if I couldn’t make it since I am in law school and will be studying for the bar. If she said it was very important or really meant a lot to her, I would of course go. Also, even though she said it was fine if I missed it, I still feel guilty about possibly skipping it, which is why I sought out opinions.
As you can also probably tell from my handle, I am a broke bridesmaid. I already spent a ton of money on engagement gifts, shower gifts, dress, accessories and I will be paying for the bachelorette party, hotel, wedding gift, etc. I am going to be graduating law school without a job, hence the broke part and probably overextended myself already because I was trying to be a good friend and bridesmaid. I guess the response I was looking for was either it’s not a big deal to skip it or it is generally a big deal and you should go since I am not sure of what is proper because in my culture and family, this is not part of the tradition. Then my concern was whether I should drive 1.5 hours each way or spend more money on another night in a hotel.
It honestly felt like you were attacking me in that response. I understand that some bridesmaids don’t have financial limitations, but I am not that fortunate. Obviously if money wasn’t a big issue, of course I would just go and spend another $150 on the hotel room. If we are good enough friends, she would understand. Really, you think I’m not happy for my friend? Being happy for someone doesn’t make it impossible to feel annoyed about all of the obligations and dealing with her difficult sister, who is the only other bridesmaid! I’m sure I didn’t give you enough details, but implying that I am not being a good friend or that I’m not happy for her is very offensive.
eek
Agree w/ Jellyfish. I think you’re a good friend and I also think you are having buyer’s remorse over all the expenses you incurred so far. To me, that seems the real issue (being overextended and the stress associated with the creep of additional expenses + being a law student/studying for bar); it’s hard to set boundaries (financial and otherwise) when you’re a part of the wedding. I think mentally you need to accept the sunk costs, ask around to see if there is anyone that can put you up for the night of the rehearsal dinner, and try to say no to future expenses (hair, makeup, whatever).
I don’t think it’s the end of the world to skip the rehearsal dinner, but if you can make it you should. It’s customary and hopefully there’s an open bar :D
BrokeBridesmaid
I’ll probably suck it up and go so that I don’t offend anyone or seem like a bad bridesmaid/friend. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice before and the whole thing was pretty casual/relaxed so this one came as quite a shock, and the added expenses are overwhelming. Next time I will do what Jellyfish suggested and think twice.
Anon
It’s a big deal to miss the rehearsal dinner if you’re in the wedding. To me, studying for the bar is a flexible activity (unless the exam is the same day as the wedding). If you’re low on cash, cut back on the wedding gift/bachlorette party contribution/etc. I’m sure she’d rather have you there then check another item off the registry.
seriously
“Did you not see the part where I said I just need to vent?” Who’s attacking who? You asked for opinions, I gave mine. In it, I said that I wasn’t aware of the history. I gathered from your screen name that money was an issue, but the primary issues that you mentioned (other than the reference to spending another 1.5 on a hotel room, which I didn’t quite understand other than it being a second night) seemed to be about being there at ALL, rather than about money. That was the basis for my comments about being happy for your friend.
I didn’t mean to offend you, but my opinion was only that, and was based on the details of your post. Obviously there is more to the story. I get the sunk costs, and the feeling stressed about spending money on stuff that seems frivolous to you – or at least, not what you would choose to spend your limited money on. But I also feel that when you told her you would be a bridesmaid, you signed yourself up for at least some of that, including the rehearsal dinner. As others havesaid, you may want to reconsider next time, or at least get your friends to give you a better idea of their expectations, so that you can decide whether you can make it work. That doesn’t really help your current situation, though. In my experience, people who plan rehearsal dinners care about that kind of thing. But if she has told you she does not (not mentioned in the original post, and would have changed my answer), then I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Maybe you can tell her that you can manage the bachelorette party or the rehearsal dinner, but not both.
BrokeBridesmaid
You’re entitled to your opinion, but you might want to rethink how you express it. If you wanted more clarification about things, you should have asked that rather than jump to such conclusions. I didn’t provide all of the details in my first post because I didn’t feel that it was necessary to bore everyone in a long drawn out post, and I didn’t expect that kind of hurtful response. It was entirely a money issue. the 1.5 on the hotel room was supposed to be $150. I’m going to be spending about $1,500-$2,000 when all is said and done. I think being a bridesmaid should be about more than just being obligated to spend a ton on wedding events. A good friend would be understanding and accommodating. Even if you misunderstood my post, saying “It is too bad you don’t seem to just be happy for her and happy to be part of her day.” is going to make someone get upset and defensive.
M-C
Well, now, seriously, you’re being a bit unkind here and probably should have read the previous comments before diving in :-).
But BB, you were in fact quite whiny. You committed to something you didn’t really want, you’re being a carpet to further demands, you have nobody to thank but yourself. You should probably think over your priorities and practice being a bit more assertive (note I didn’t say aggressive, clearly you can do that already). Sadly, you’ll probably end up resenting the bride enough to break off the friendship, which will make all this fuss come to nothing. And I’d also question why the girl has no other friends, which seems odd. But whatever, don’t vent-post to a bunch of strangers on the net and then expect nothing but supportive responses, you need to pay a shrink for that kind of thing and that’d just be an additional expense :-).
Bonnie
The rehearsal dinner is almost always the night before the wedding. I can’t remember the exact history but think the shower as you’ve described are pretty standard. Perhaps you could have used today to get to know the other bridesmaids better. It sounds to me like you’re resenting the role you had agreed to play.
Jellyfish
I disagree with the tone of “seriously,” but then I am getting married without a wedding party at all, and certainly no bridal shower or bachelorette party. And I am skipping the majority of a friend’s bachelorette party and all of her bridal shower because I don’t feel like shelling out so much money for her — not that she isn’t a good person, and not that I couldn’t afford it, but I just think it’s excessive.
That having been said, considering that you are a bridesmaid, I think that if you can make the rehearsal dinner (won’t break the bank), you should. You might ask the bride if there is anyone else looking for a roommate for that night, and then you might be able to skip half the cost of the hotel room. If the dinner is near where the wedding will be, then it’s not really costing you extra commuting time, just forcing you to commute a day early.
And this is why I am happy never to be a bridesmaid (and why you might reconsider if you receive a similar offer in future).
Ruby
Take control of your own life. I have declined many, many things over the years due to my own needs and preferences- you will face this as a lawyer if you haven’t realized it yet. You can do what you want and frankly if you are this miserable/resentful participating in the prep events, you shouldn’t do more. People can tell.
I did a bridesmaid gig while on my way to law school and honestly still am sore about the costs and time I put in. I was much younger then and wouldn’t do same now. I didn’t have bridesmaids at my own non-traditional wedding in large part because of this and other experiences.
I’m not saying you should prioritize work and the bar above everything else in life. But passing the bar is important. There is also time for yourself: working out, dating, eating right, a walk in the park, whatever. Every hour you spend on pre-wedding activities takes away from that. Yes it would be nice if you could do it all and take care of yourself, but I agree that these events go on way too long, especially if it’s not in your town.
anon
So… I understand this is a rant BUT I feel like people who overextend themselves have to take on at least some responsibility for being overextended.
It seems like nothing she is asking is wildly Bridezilla-ish. You complain that you don’t know the other wedding guests. Well, get to know them! People over 30 don’t smell bad. They can even hold conversations ;-) You complain about the costs, which again seem to be predictable. Also 90 min is a lot but honestly, it’s not ridiculous time to travel for a wedding. It’s not 4 hours or even cross country. Really, driving 90 min to fulfill a commitment to your friend is not that big a deal. And, as for the cost, you have and have had the ability to open your mouth to explain to your friend about your cost limitations this entire time.
I feel like I know lots of people who do what you do which is to passively say yes to things and then become horribly resentful about them. I have no idea why.
BrokeBridesmaid
Thank you for at least understanding that it was just a vent along with a request for a general opinion on rehearsal dinners since I’ve never been to one and a decision between spending another night in the hotel or driving a lot the night before the wedding. The 90 minutes is fine, but I just needed to decide if I wanted to drive 180 minutes the day before the wedding and get up early to drive another 90 minutes in the morning. I don’t want to be too tired for the wedding. If it was 4 hours away I would probably go to two events and if it was across the country, I would only go to the wedding if it was a close relative.
I’m extremely introverted and socially awkward, so even though I did make conversation with them, it was awkward for me, mostly just because of my personality. If there were other bridesmaids I probably would have just gotten to know them over time, but that wasn’t an option. Her sister spent most of the time talking to her family, which is understandable of course.
Ugh, this entire thread made me more stressed out and feel even worse about myself and the job I have done as a bridesmaid when I just wanted some friendly advice from those who have had more experience with weddings. I think I will quash all further discussion of this wedding….at least on Corporette.
cfm
Sweetie you are doing a fine job as bridesmaid, I’m sure. With the wedding so close, try to enjoy what’s left! 1.5 is a drive, but think of it as its 1.5 hours out of a lifetime, and this will be her only (hopefully!) marriage. So you have three choices with the rehersal dinner: 1) Go, drive there and back. Kind of annoying but probably the best option. 2) Go, get a hotel, ask your bf to meet you there after his plans so you can both wake up together. Make it fun! But kind of expensive. or 3) don’t go.
People are kind of jumping on you because she has put reasonable expectations on you, but you are letting this one be the straw that broke the camel’s back, when it sounds like you let yourself get overextended, and it sounds like most of the akwardness was just in your own head. Weddings are akward for most people! Unless they are very close and know the whole inner circle. Now you are trying to throw a corporette pity party, but you dont need one! Im sure youve been a great friend and bridesmaid, and now you are at the home stretch, so try to enjoy it and remember you are celebrating the start of a marriage, not just a one day wedding. I hope it all goes smoothly!
Herbie
Guys! I finished Tough Mudder this weekend! Considering changing my Corporette moniker from “Herbie” to “Bada$$ McGee.”
coco
Congrats! My co-worker did it last year – Bada$$ McGee would be totally accurate!
Bonnie
Congrats Herbie.
Menlo Park gal
Peninsula ladies, are there any local young professional orgs near Menlo Park/Palo Alto? I’ve seen a lot in SF but none in MP/PA. TIA!