Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Colored denim is everywhere for spring and summer. Ladies, what are your thoughts? One part of me thinks they’re cute, and another part of me thinks nothing could be less flattering than pastel jeans. Still: if you’re looking, these super skinny stretch denim jeans are marked from $62.67 to $43.87 at ASOS. Vila Jeans Super Skinny

(L-2)

Comments

  1. In search of Bunkster's New Job :

    to TCFKAG – you said something yesterday about the numbers on individual posts. My numbers went away some weeks ago and Kat provided an explanation about why. Have they returned for you? I’d love them back because the weekend thread especially is unmanagable without them – where did I leave off? How much has been inserted when I last read? When I click on a link and then return, it takes me to the top of the thread and I have no real idea of how far down to scroll.

    TCFKAG – do you have any secrets to get the numbers back? And, since I’m talking directly to you – I’ve always wondered what your handle means. Did I miss that? Care to share? I love your comments :)

    • Numbers on individual posts? I’m not entirely sure what you mean. When I want to return to where I was before in a thread, I’ll usually just ctrl-f to my last post or to something I remember reading (like in this case Bunkster) and that will get me there.

      It means the commenter formerly known as guest. Though I’m starting to think the all capital letters thing was a mistake…it seems to stand out and draw attention.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Love your handle!

    • If I may venture a guess – I recall a statement in the morning thread a couple days back about being 237 comments before we got a 2nd comment on the item of the day. I think the number of comments was based on the total at the top of the post, rather than individually numbered posts.

      Does that help?

  2. Personal styling revelation: I had always wanted to be able to wear my work skirts off-hours, but didn’t know how to make them less stuffy. I recently bought a denim button-front shirt and suddenly every single one of them can look chic and dressed-down. The shirt also goes with just about every other skirt or pair of shorts I own. It looks casual but not accidental, as a t-shirt would with most of these skirts.

    If, like me, you’ve wanted a denim shirt for a while but couldn’t justify the price, I suggest finding a good thick one, perhaps with cute snap buttons, and going for it. I recommend thick because if you want to wear it over a dress, it can still be streamlined rather than showing a lot of bunching. I’m thrilled! Have a good weekend all.

  3. ChocCityB&R :

    Any recommendations for a good place to buy leggings? I’ve recently lost about 45 pounds and I really need new pants, but since I have another 20 to go, I don’t want to spend a bunch. I thought a few pairs of leggings would bridge the gap for a while, but so far every target pair I’ve bought has had a hole in them.

    • Seattleite :

      You didn’t get the memo? Leggings are Not Pants.

    • I like the VS ones!

    • Yes, target’s leggings are cr*p, and it is so annoying.

      I have found my best leggings at places like Marshalls and Ross, but of course, they are not the most helpful stores when you Need Something Right Now. So, if that doesn’t work, I do think Old Navy leggings are a bajillion times thicker and nicer than target’s. I have also heard good things about Old Navy’s jeggings, but I haven’t tried them yet. And they’re only $30, so that could be a good standby pair of jeans until you lose more.

      And congrats on losing the weight! good work!

      • Backgrounder :

        I like the ON Rockstar Jeggings. They are comfy, stretchy and come in a decent variety of colors (including some nice pastels and brights for spring). I have four pair! Plus they aren’t that expensive so you don’t have to worry if they don’t fit as you continue to lose weight. The only thing I will say is ON seems to have a quality control issues with the fit. For some reason all of the sizes and lengths aren’t standard so I would highly recommend trying them on in store rather than ordering online.

    • Anonymous :

      Hue. Sometimes you can find them on discount at DSW.

      • I like Hue a lot. I have the boot cut and the regular. The soft stretch work best for me (dark wash) because they look more like real jeans and they are stretchier at the bottom. The regular denim leggings barely fit over my very muscular calves.

        • Oh and should have mentioned, I’ve bought them at Macy’s, but the Hue website is great. They have a flat shipping rate and send discount codes via email pretty often.

    • I like the Assets ones (Spanx’s less expensive line). Bought them online and have been very happy with sizing/fit per info on the website and they have held up well. (I wash in cold and hang dry.)

      Congrats on losing 45 pounds! Wow.

  4. So I’m pretty sure someone has asked this before but I can’t find that comment anywhere:
    Does anyone here have experience with Dorothy Perkins clothes?
    They look nice on the website and are definitely affordable but I’d prefer to know more before I start ordering them online (I’m in western Canada so no stores here).

    • CA lawyer :

      Awesome 12 years ago, quality wasn’t great last I checked maybe 5 years ago.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

      I’ve only ordered from them a couple of times, but I find the quality to be acceptable for the price. Much better than clothes I’ve gotten for the same (or more) at Loft.

    • When I first read this, I read it as “Dorothy Parker’s clothing”?

      I’m not sure you can buy them 90 years later. Lover her stories, but I have to disagree with “Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” The more discerning ones do…

    • Uk based. Dotty P is standard high street standard for us (better than h&m, same owners as topshop and probably slightly better standard as it skews to an older market, defiantly not as good as Hobbs or it’s ilk). Completely reasonable quality for the price in my mind. Sizing runs slightly large to high street (say compared to zara)

    • Thanks everyone who replied. :)

  5. I am an idiot. :

    I just replied to opposing counsel with an e-mail making a snide comment, instead of forwarding it to someone in my office as I’d intended.

    Mortified.

    • Oh that sucks! I feel for ya.

    • Equity's Darling :

      Yipes, this is my greatest fear. I always put the email address in very last, after reading and re-reading the emails I draft, in hopes of staving off accidental emails. Or, I call the person or walk to their office for particularly snarky comments, that I realllyyy don’t want a paper trail for. I’m all about the CYA.

      • Oh yeah, after working in employment law for 3+ years I am ALL about no paper trail. As one of the most paranoid attorney’s I’ve ever known (of course, he’d been sued for malpractice like 5 times) always said “if you don’t want to see it blown up by a million on a projector in front of a jury DON’T WRITE IT.” Of course, that was a PITA when I actually wanted a paper trail for something and he would still chew my ass. I’m not going to write a letter to a client every time I try to call him and say please call me. But if they’re one of _those_ clients I might send a 1-liner “Just left you a message, please call at 123-456-7890 when you get a chance.” That way I have a paper trail to show that I called, left messages and sent emails every day for two weeks and it’s not my fault when you call up screaming about how you haven’t talked to your attorney in 14 days.

    • Whoops. Depending on the snide comment, I’d guess a “I’m terribly sorry and mortified and of course I shouldn’t have sent that and really shouldn’t have even have said it” e-mail might be in order.

      Also, see this Above the Law post about a Quinn Emannuel partner who accidentally replied all to the entire firm with a snide remark that was apparently intended for one particular other person, in the worst possible situation.

      http://abovethelaw.com/2012/03/a-quinn-emanuel-partners-lecherous-reply-all/

      So it could be worse!

    • bahahahahaha! Happens to the best of us. Give yourself tonight and tomorrow to cringe internally about it; forget about it on Monday.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I have a one minute delay on my outbox to catch and retrieve such things.

      • This is BRILLIANT – setting it up now! I feel like you just saved me from some embarrassing moments in the future!

    • I have totally done this. It was awful, but I still work with this person all the time and it’s fine.

    • It happens to everyone. Send an apology if you think one is in order, but don’t flog yourself too much over it. Maybe a break, a nap, something to keep you from making more mistakes?? A bar of chocolate :-)?

    • guys in my high school sent snarky emails to opposing counsel all the time, it was no big deal…

      sorry. couldn’t resist. but I have both sent and received snarky/rude things from opposition. if I were you, I’d move on and pretend like it never happened.

  6. Seattleite :

    This just in – Karl Lagerfield is going to be designing HELICOPTERS.

    I wonder if they’ll be quilted?

    • This might be the awesomest news I’ve heard all day.

    • His wine glasses come with their own coasters.

    • Seattleite- just wanted to say- did you also enjoy the lovel day here? I was mostly running pre-baby errands but sat at Golden Gardens for a bit just marveling at our glorious surroundings (and all the people coming out of the woodworks). Seattle on a sunny day- best place on earth:)

  7. Jacqueline :

    Random threadjack — favorite Trader Joe’s products? I’m heading there after work and could use some grocery inspiration. I’ll start with mine: Thai chili lime cashews, multi-grain pita chips, peanut butter-stuffed salted pretzels, and sesame almonds.

    If you are what you eat, I am a salty, carb-y snack food.

    • I am a banana. :

      The pitted dried tart montgomery cherries. I am also way into the peanut butter salted pretzels, amazing. Their chocolate and yogurt covered pretzels are really good, too. They have this mushroom fettuccine in the frozen aisle that is my guilty bad day favorite.

    • I love the frozen asian style dumplings. Makes me wish we had a Trader Joe’s anywhere, you know, in the state.

    • Sea-Salt, Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. They are on my banned foods list. They are that good.

    • Snapea Crisps…preferably the Caeser flavored ones.

      • Mushroom risotto (frozen food aisle), vegetarian burrito (frozen food), and the tsaziki (yoghurt and cucumber spread, in refrigerator.) Oh, and the arugula frozen pizza. And chicken lemongrass spring rolls (frozen).

        What can I say. I’m a TJ addict.

    • TEA TREE SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER
      Seriously. Try it.

      I also love their chocolate chips (better than Nestle at less-than-grocery-store-brand price), huge bars of dark chocolate for ridiculously cheap, bags of raw almonds, dried apricots, and thai chili lime cashews (yes!).
      This reminds me that I need to go to Trader Joe’s.

      • I am a fan of the Tea Tree Shampoo as well. It’s better for my hair that some of the Pantene stuff I was using before.

    • All of the frozen indian lunches, but especially the palat paneer and the chicken tikka masala. And the five cheese macaroni and cheese, its AWESOME.

    • TJ brand Biscotti, 100 calorie chocolate bars (there is a god!), dried mango slices

    • Roasted seaweed snack! It also comes in wasabi flavor, but that’s too hot for me.

    • D Train South :

      Rice crackers. I have no patience for my local TJ’s, but when I do get up the will to go in, I go straight for these and buy 5 bags.

    • Shelled salted pistachios!

  8. So after reading some of the comments yesterday, I have to ask: are flared legs considered out of style?? I hope not because that’s basically all I’ll wear. I’ve steadfastly resisted skinny jeans mostly because I’m convinced they would be completely unflattering on me. Do I need to break down and make the switch?? Help me, Hive.

  9. SV in House :

    I need some make up advice. I had breakfast with two former colleagues last week. As it was breakfast and I was staying in a nearby hotel, my makeup was freshly applied. After we hugged hello, I noticed that I had left little smudges on their suit coats. I was mortified and did not know if I should point it out. I used foundation and loose powder. Is this common? What did I do wrong?

    • I have dark skin so my makeup leaves dark spots which are very visible.
      The powder transfers because it’s not set.
      Use a setting spray and you should be fine and as a bonus you’re makeup stays fresh looking all day. An example of a setting spray is MAC Fix+

  10. PS Any thoughts on whether I can read both A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons in 21 days? I just saw that I was next on the list at the library for A Feast for Crows so I requested A Dance with Dragons since I would be 3rd on the list. Somehow, I got Dragons yesterday and Crows today. I can wait till tomorrow or Sunday to actually get/download Dragons, but that’s only going to give me a day or so more…

    • How much free time do you have? What is the bare minimum of sleep that you need on a daily basis?

      Alternatively, what is your library’s late policy, and how many late fees will you rack up if you can’t?

      • I don’t have a ton of free time but work is pretty calm right now. I’m training for a 10k/very involved in my goal to lose 85 lbs this year. I don’t have a LOT going on during the weekends but I do have at least 1 thing every weekend.

        These are e-books so once the 21 days hits they just refuse to open and you have to re-download them. Your page is saved but it’ll probably be a 3 week break before I can re-check it out and possibly as much as a 6 week break.

        I think I’ll return Dragons so that whoever just returned Crows can check it out, then get back on Dragons’ list.

        • I say you can do it! I read them at a steady rate of one per three days, as long as two of those days were weekends. It took me five or six if I could only read them after work.

        • What kind of reader are you using for your ebooks? I have found that with my Kindle that I can keep an “overdue” book as long as I keep the wi-fi turned off. I could still read the file on my Kindle.

          • On my Nook, as long as I keep it set to a page of the book I’ve borrowed from the library, I can read it even after the book has expired. If the power dies or I charge it, then I will lose the book. I recommend charging it right before it expires and you should be able to get an extra week or two.

          • To nona and MelD, that is interesting. I had one experience with a book where it refused to open after the deadline, so that scared me off of trying. But then I was desperately trying to finish a book before midnight and even set my clock on my nook back (not knowing if it would help) and fell asleep with like 5 pages to go. But the next morning I was able to read them. I wasn’t sure why.

            I have a bit of an annoying battery in my nook and it fairly frequently restarts the whole nook, so that might not work for me, but it’s good to know.

            I decided to give up the D of D but saw that nobody has grabbed it yet. Also, F for C is only 700+ pages instead of 1000+ like the last ones. So I think I’m going to grab it. Although I only managed to read about 200 pages over the weekend…

        • Audible.com and listen to books as you do your 10k training. I cannot tell you how much more I “read” now that I listen to books as I run!

          • I just started listening to books as I run! I like it a lot and it actually inspires me to run. Sometimes I yell at the people in the books, like in the last one where the murder suspects were three men and I kept yelling “It’s not the men, it’s one of the two bat-sh*t crazy women!!” Luckily, I run on my own. It does get distracting though, I have my “real” book and my audio book both going at once!

            I get my audio books from the library too thought, not a great selection, but I’ve found some real gems.

    • Well if you’re anything like me, you will start reading it one night and refuse to leave your house until you’re done, up to and including calling in sick to work, so, yeah.

    • Youngster :

      If you’re a Kindle user, download the library books, and turn off your wi-fi. Do not turn wi-fi back on until you’re done reading the library books. At the 21 day mark, they will be considered “returned” and someone else can check them out. But the books don’t fly away on whispernet until you turn the wi-fi back on. No late fees. No negative consequences. This has been great for these huge books.

  11. GRRRR. I’m subscribed to this post, but not actually getting any comment updates via e-mail! Did something change?

    • I had the reverse happen this morning. I didn’t subscribe to any posts, but I got emails all morning.

    • I almost always subscribe when I comment, and I often only receive about half the emails. There are far more comments here than what I see in my inbox. It’s confusing.

      Could it be spam blocker issues?

    • I’m getting comment update emails, but then when I get here the comment isn’t here?!

  12. For the polka dot obsessed, can I just tell you that skirts like this one from White House Black Market (link to follow) make me really miss a business casual work environment? I have no excuse to wear things like this anymore.

  13. A friend of mine just sent me this link: http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/marc-by-marc-jacobs-flats-mouse-slingback-ballerina?ID=585978

    Um, what were they thinking?

  14. purplepear :

    **Question from a first time poster** I’m a recent undergrad and starting my first office job. Is a slight winged eyeliner acceptable? Nothing dramatic of course, basically just a small flick. My office isn’t really conservative but I’d just like some thoughts.

    • Almost certainly. Especially if it looks good on you, you do it right (I’m assuming you do) and it doesn’t look like Cleopatra on crack. At your age you can definitely get away with it. I am an attorney and 30 and girl-next-door style and absolutely could not. Also, on your first day take note of what people in your similar job are wearing as well as that of your supervisor. Take your cues from your supervisor if you can.

      It’s hard for me because at my office the senior female attorneys don’t wear makeup at all and only one ever wears a suit. But the other attorney at my level is my age and has been here for years while I just started in January so I try to take my style cues from her.

      • karenpadi :

        “at my office the senior female attorneys don’t wear makeup at all and only one ever wears a suit”

        Yay! I love being an attorney in California. Make-up? What make-up? And I don’t know if I own a suit that still fits…hmmm.

    • lostintranslation :

      I think it depends on the rest of your makeup as well. I saw some tutorials on youtube where the girls apply liquid eyeliner, wing it, but then blend it in and use other products so it’s more subtle (if that makes sense). That’s the route I would go.

      • my view- not unless you want the repuation as ‘catwoman’ or such. my spouse and i knew a girl who did this (noticeably) and still refer to it a decade later. but we are lawyers and conservative dressers. even so, i think always better to err on side of not drawing attention to yourself in wrong ways, especially in beginning.

    • Yep. Or so I hope….
      Not Amy wine house type eyeliner though I’m sure yours is nothing like that.

  15. Following up on the thread about the British woman who thinks she’s ridiculously, ridiculously good-looking– a man’s retort. Hilarious. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/04/samantha-brick-hated-good-looks?fb=native&CMP=FBCNETTXT9038

    • Ha! I love the Guardian, not to mention Tim Dowling’s soulful, beseeching eyes. Somehow hadn’t seen the original article–but wowwww that woman sounds like she has a very erm, unique and personal relationship with reality.

      • “unique and personal relationship with reality”

        HAHA. I’m going to be stealing that phrase in the future, FYI.

    • lostintranslation :

      So good! I had already seen the piece about Samantha Brick in the Atlantic, but this one is way better. I wonder if people like Samantha Brick with their alternate reality are somehow happier than those of us who are really self conscious all the time, but I guess it doesn’t matter, since I wouldn’t want to be like that…

  16. I’m going to be wearing this dress to a wedding next month. http://www.talbots.com/online/browse/product_details.jsp?id=prdi27129&rootCategory=cat400043&catId=cat80018&sortKey=Default&section=Outlet&conceptIdUnderSale=cat400043

    I was planning on taupe shoes like the model is wearing. But now I’m wondering if something more colorful might not be better. Any ideas on how to accessorize?

  17. question for in-house ladies :

    Earlier this week, someone (I’m not sure who it was) emphasized how she can tell whether or not a fellow in-house mate was “raised” in biglaw or not (this was in response to a junior litigator’s question on going in-house). The replier also emphasized the 3-5 yrs of firm experience before moving in house.

    What characteristics distinguish someone “raised” in biglaw (and presumbly received adequate training) vs someone who was not? Also, as a jr litigator (< 3 yrs) myself, what sorts of experiences at the firm should I be looking for in the 3-5 yr range in case I decide to apply to in-house positions down the line?

    • Left my heart in San Francisco :

      I’m in biglaw, not in house, but I look at the jobs posted on the ACC website to see what types
      of skills companies are looking for.

    • in-hizzouse! :

      I’m interested in the answer to this.

      I work with mostly former Biglawyers and one guy who didn’t do Biglaw. To me, non-Biglawyer just seems to lack work ethic. He never had to go through the hellfire that was Biglaw. Never billed 200+ hrs/month for months on end, never put up with abusive partners, and has never had to sacrifice -anything- for his job. So he gets super-annoyed if he has to stay “late” (air quotes because in-house “late” is laughable in comparison to Biglaw “late”), and he doesn’t seem good at juggling multiple tasks. Also doesn’t seem to have very high standards for his work, I think in part because there aren’t serious consequences for screwing up or making mistakes.

      But, you know, it’s hard to tell. This guy could just be lazy, and it might have nothing at all to do with Biglaw. There are plenty of crappy lawyers in large law firms, just as there are many, many talented lawyers outside Biglaw.

      • Ouch. As a small firm lawyer, the inference that nonbiglaw lawyers don’t work as hard is extremely offensive. It sounds like your guy is just a lazy a-hole.

      • Yeah, honestly, I don’t think a sample size of one is fair to draw inferences from. I’ve never worked in BigLaw and never billed 200+ hour months for months on end, nor do I have any desire to or think I’d do well in that kind of environment. BUT: I do take the job I have seriously, work late and overtime when necessary, and try not to make sloppy mistakes (not that I’m perfect, but I do care and try).

      • It seems like you have a superiority complex about Biglaw. Why is someone a hard worker just because he/she didn’t bill a certain amount of hours, never put up with abusive bosses, or had to sacrifice for his job? I think it is about priorities. Maybe he is a great father and husband and that is what he cares most about. If someone is not getting their work done or doing a poor job, then that means they are a bad worker, but it shouldn’t be based on whether they were in Biglaw or not. Also, it seems like almost everyone who goes into Biglaw does it just to pay off their loans and get out of it ASAP. Thank goodness I will not have to deal with that.

      • Random question- how many times do you wear your jeans before you wash them?

  18. Double threadjack–
    1. Does anyone have a recommendation for a work appropriate shirt dress?
    2. Weird question: I decided to give my eyes a break from contacts for a week or so due to the post from earlier this week. How long does it take to get used to not having peripheral vision, especially while driving? It is really bothering me and making me reconsider this whole no contacts thing.

    • I just bought the “Callie” shirt dress today from Banana in both a coral-y bright pink and black. It wasnt cheap at $98 (reduced from $130 due to unspecified promotion) but it fits perfectly, came in petite sizes, has pockets, is machine washable, and will never go out of style.

    • Rose in Bloom :

      As for question number 2, I’ve worn contacts for 15+ years and had to take much of the last month off due to dry eyes from allergies. I’ve found that it usually takes me 2-3 days before I get used to the glasses. That said, my eyes are appreciating the switch.

    • Lands End has a bunch of shirt dresses – I think any of their solid-colored ones would be appropriate, although I’d wear a cardi with the sleeveless ones.

    • I find it is much less difficult to get used to the switch if you try to wear your glasses a little each day. I try to put mine on at around 7-8 and usually wear them at least 1-2 days a week, and sometimes 3 if my eyes are getting dry/scratchy. I really have no trouble adjusting with this routine.

    • I think it depends on what frames your glasses have. I wear rimless glasses (think Stephen Colbert) and there’s nothing blocking my peripheral vision. Thick, black frames would make a big difference.

    • I’ve had to choose between contacts and the cat. I still mourn the peripheral vision of contacts, and that way I could see as if I really had good eyes. But I also got a corneal ulcer somewhere along the way (dry and allergies, not omitting cleaning the contacts..) and it was so painful that I never ever want to feel that again.
      Vision actually happens in the brain. So mindset is a lot of it. I’ve been extremely near-sighted all my life, and mostly worn glases. I think I’ve adjusted to the fact that my periphery is blurry, it doesn’t mean that I ignore what’s happening in it. Sometimes it seems that I do better at the periphery than people who concentrate on the sharp center.

  19. sunshinecr :

    Just got this very fun skirt for summer. I think it is perfect for airline travel too because it will keep me warm, but still lightweight (I’m debating whether it will be sheer in the hot tropical sun..), fits curves in all the right places and the way the fabric is cut it swings when I walk, but not too obnoxiously. Now if someone would just put some style ideas with this on pinterest for me. Please. http://www.jcpenney.com/jcp/X6.aspx?GrpTyp=PRD&ItemID=1db1993&submit%20search.y=0&Ntt=stripe+american&SearchString=stripe+american&hdnOnGo=true&Ne=4+840+877+878+5+961+6+29+3+579+963+1014+1031+8+587+15+12+1011+598+11+506+10+23+585+969+596+1022+586+1007+879+968+1027+18+904+903+833+1545&NOffset=0&SelDim=4~&submit%20search.x=0&Nao=0&N=4294959029+4294966867&SO=0&PSO=0&CmCatId=external|xgn|searchresults

  20. Hoping for good vibes coming my way from you ladies… I’m taking the tax part of the CPA exam tomorrow morning for the first time. I have studied so hard, but I feel like there are so many things I could have studied more… Augh!

  21. Anonymous for this :

    Hi Ladies,

    I want to start with saying that I’ve always found comfort in having you all (strangers as you are) to share my thoughts and opinions so thank you.

    Here’s my issue: my husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we’re practically in a sexless marriage. We had sex 3-4 times last year and once this year. I am very happy in my marriage and he’s a great father and husband. He treats me like a queen and gives me almost everything I want and more. The secret I’ve kept from him is that I hate the fact that we barely have sex. I’ve told him before but never had a real conversation about it. The funny thing is that he’s very affectionate with me (i.e. sneaking in kisses and hugs all day, cuddling in bed, undressing me, etc) but just no sex. We have two small kids but they are not that much work so it’s not like they drain all our energy. He does have a stressful job which is why I haven’t made a big deal of it. Honestly, he has never said no to me but he’s never made any initiatives so I don’t even bother asking anymore. I know that when he does have sex with me, its only because he knows I want it. After a while, I get tired and fell cheap for dropping “please make love to me” hints to my husband without getting any reaction. I feel bad for making this seem like a big issue when sex is only a slice of the “great marriage” pie. I want to talk to him but not sure if I’m over reacting. Just the other day I told my friend to not be so hard on her husband because he’s a good guy and she can be with worst. Am I asking for too much? My husband is great and there are many women who have it worst than me. I feel like a spoiled brat crying over what seems like such a minor issue at times.

    • Why don’t you just talk to him about it?

      • Yeah, I agree. A lot of things can cause reduced sex drive, especially stress. Bring it up in a non-accusatory way and see if he’s open to taking steps to increase his sex drive. A couples therapist may also have some good ideas to help you two out.

    • Harlot for this :

      You need to start reading Dan Savage ASAP, he actually has really sound advice for people in your situation (both male and female.) His opinion, and frankly I agree, is that part of marriage is agreeing to have s*x with someone. Now, how much on the margins may be an issue of negotiation within any marriage (obviously) but 3-4 times a year (or frankly now once a year in your case) is not “having sex in marriage” its “not having sex in marriage”. A lifetime of abstinence was not what you signed up for.

      There are lots of possible reasons your husband might not be interested in s*x. There may be physical problems, if he’s gained a lot of weight or developed ED. He may be gay. He may be asexual (there’s a website for spouses of asexuals). Depending on the reason for the no s*x, the next actions depend. He could get medical treatment, you could divorce, or you could agree to stay married in a manogomish relationship where you get to see s*xual satisfaction elsewhere.

      But either way, it does NOT make you a spoiled brat to not want to live your life as a veritable nun. Find a s*x positive marriage counselor and talk about this with your husband in a supportive environment post haste.

      • I haven’t read Dan Savage before, but I completely agree that part of a successful marriage is being sexually satisfied. I would first talk to your husband in depth about this. I wouldn’t do it at any time when it looks like you’re asking after he has rejected any advances…maybe during dinner on a date night? Depending on what he says, I’d then seek either couples or individual counseling.

        Good luck! I don’t think anyone here will think that you’re a spoiled brat for this.

      • Yep. She said it all..

    • I’m not married, nor do I have kids, so take this with a grain of salt. But one thing that jumps out to me from reading this is…spoiled brat? That isn’t how it comes across in the least.

      You’re not thinking about leaving, or even threatening any ultimatum. You’re saying you love and appreciate your husband, and are mostly quite happy with the relationship, but something (quite legitimately) feels like it’s missing for you. I think if you present it this way–first to yourself, then to him–it sounds like you’re doing it out of love for him and honor for the marriage, rather than any brattiness at all. There is absolutely nothing unfair about a married adult wanting sexual intimacy with her spouse.

    • Is this a change from how things used to be, or has he always seemed to have a lower s*x drive?

      This isn’t a minor issue at all, and you’re not a brat for caring about it. But my question would be: if your husband is such a great guy (and he seems to be!), why haven’t you talked about this with him yet? I’m curious what makes you reluctant to raise the issue.

    • You are not asking for too much. If you are posting it here, then it probably bothers you more than you are willing to admit. I’d be really mad if we were only having s*x that few times. You want somebody to tell you that what you are going through is normal and ok. It is not. This is not normal. Your marriage depends on all cylinders firing-trust, love, comfort, and intimacy. Talk with him-scratch that-do something(s) with him. The time for talking is LONG past.

    • Honestly, what stands out most in your post is how hesitant you are to ask for what you want and how little you think you deserve. You’ve never told him how you feel, and I assume this has been the same since you got together? I’m concerned that if you confront your husband and he is defensive (because this is likely a sore spot for him and you’ve never raised a concern, so he may have married you thinking this was your natural s*xual set point as well) that you will lack the self esteem to continue pushing this issue.

      I recommend that you go to therapy by yourself for a while, just to deal with the self esteem issue. Maybe think about your relationship with your father, and other men in your life. Maybe some past traumatic experiences? I’m assuming you married very young. And then when you build up some self confidence, then, with your therapist’s support, bring this up to your husband.

  22. lostintranslation :

    Hey guys, thanks for all of the advice last time. I’m keeping my chin up and fingers crossed.

    In the meantime, I have an easier question: does anyone here do tradeshows and have black pumps/wedges they recommend? I know we’ve talked about comfortable shoes in general, but tradeshows are imo an entirely different level (standing around for 10 hours on concrete floors). Last time, my usually comfortable and slightly dowdy Anne Klein Flex shoes definitely did not cut it.

    Thanks in advance!!

  23. My bag was stolen from the pub yesterday and I’m super annoyed! There wasn’t very much in it, luckily, but it did have my Kindle and my HTC smartphone, both of which I’ll have to buy full price to replace, and my US passport. The US embassy in London isn’t open until Tuesday and after fighting the automated phone menu for 45min yesterday I’ve decided there is actually no way to get in touch with them out of hours. It’s no skin off my nose (aside from identity theft issues, of course) as I don’t have any international travel plans until July, but you’d think they’d want to know right away that a stolen US passport is out there!

    • Do you have renters and/or homeowner’s insurance? It might cover some of your losses. Also, if you have an American Express card, they (I believe) automatically provide some sort of insurance for purchases made with the card. Finally, you can sign up for a service for relatively little money that will keep an eye on your identity to make sure its not stolen for some period of time, if that will give you piece of mind!

      Sorry though, that really sucks!

    • Second the thoughts about 1) credit cards, and 2) home insurance. The insurance may cover thefts, even if they’re not from your home. And American Express isn’t the only credit card that covers purchases that are stolen. VISA often does too.

  24. I’m looking for recommendations for management / leadership books. Recently gained a new direct report who previously reported to an ineffective manager and I’m looking for practical advice on transitioning and managing / mentoring her.

    • No book recommendations but this happened to me recently. In the case of the two people I am now supervising, they had had little communication from above, didn’t know the status of decisions that affected them, and had little structure. I sat down with them and talked about how I wanted things to go in terms of communication and structure, what my expectations are of them, and how I would like then to communicate with me. Then I gave them an assignment to work on a project that would benefit both of them and I took them out to lunch to talk through their work. So far so good. I think they are appreciating more structure and more communication. I don’t micromanage, but they do need to have support.

    • Are you familiar with AskAManager.com? Lots of very good advice in there, very sensible, humane etc.
      Good luck to you! Just having those good intentions from you must make that new person feel a lot better. I’d second nola’s recommendation of just having a talk about it, it’d be interesting for you that she express what she was consciously missing too.

    • D Train South :

      Ken Blanchard books. “The One Minute Manager” is a great place to get very basic do’s and don’ts. This book is old, but Blanchard has updated it and expanded on it.

  25. Seeking advice :

    Ladies (and gents),

    I would appreciate your input. I want to give you as much info as possible, so this may be a little long. I recognize that we are incredibly fortunate to have a strong marriage, financial options, and educational opportunities.

    I am a married 3L, graduating in May with a firm job lined up in another state. In late May, I am headed to the firm state to take an in-person Bar-bri class. I will be living with family for the first part of the summer. Our lease in law school state ends on July 1. Our lease in firm state starts July 1. Movers are already lined up to move us out in late June. We have planned that my husband will stay in law school state and work until July 1 to secure health insurance for July.

    My husband who is very book smart and intellectually oriented, followed me to law school state from firm state three years ago. He put off an interesting graduate degree program with financial support to do so in firm state. Although he has an undergraduate degree from a good school and a prestigious major/honors etc., he was unable to find any work in his area of interest in law school state. Instead, he began working in retail management at store A after my father pulled some strings (~30k/yr). He really didn’t enjoy the culture, and after 2 years an opportunity came up to move to store B (~24k/yr). I supported his move despite the financial stress because I agreed that store A was really toxic to him.

    This spring he reapplied to the program he put off. Because of a previous fellowship, the school had an informal set up that did not require him to take the GRE. This policy changed, and we only found out after my husband had applied. He arranged with the school to take the GRE asap. He did very well. Now we are waiting until April 23 to hear about the formal admission decision and scholarships.

    When I graduate, we will have less than 10K in debt in subsidized loans. Additionally, we have informally borrowed 10k from a family 529 account (not in my name) that is no longer needed by my sibling. If and to whom we will be paying this amount back is unclear (either to my parents who are financially secure, but unemployed or my brother with a great job). If my husband works through July 1, we will run out of money in September. My start date is late October. My parents, his parents, and others have all said they would be willing to lend us money to get through September and October (formally, paying interest).

    My husband wants to stop working on June 1 instead of July 1 and come to firm state. Because we are renting a new unit, we may be able to move our firm state rent up by a month. The moving company may also be able to accommodate the earlier move.

    So what is my problem? We have run the numbers. If he does so, we run out of money at the end of July. (Things get tough because of 2 months on Cobra instead of 1, an extra rent payment in firm state for the month of June and loss of salary).

    We can probably borrow the extra money (4700), but have some misgivings because that money would essentially be for my husband to take a long vacation before he starts school in mid-august. On the flip-side, my husband really hates retail and wants to get out asap.

    Other fun details:
    We talk about everything. We have a strict honesty policy that prevents buildup of tension.

    We are both very stressed about the idea of significant debt. We want to be able to “eject” from the rat race at any time. We plan to order our lifestyle in a way that will allow that to be possible.

    He is supportive but a little jealous of the fact that I have spent the last few years at a very prestigious law school getting a masters and a JD while he has worked retail.

    Though intelligent and personable, my husband has never had a job that he liked (other than being a lifeguard). He has a tendency to crave rest and relaxation, but to brood when he is not occupied or working toward a goal (GRE, marathon, LSAT, organic gardening).

    Over the past 6 months I have sought out therapy for anxiety. I am not good at self-care and tend to want to take care of everyone around me before myself. My education and dreams being the focus of the last few years has stressed me out. I know that my husband is amazing: smart, charismatic, adoring, very fit, learning to run a household and cook (the list goes on). So I feel guilty about having “forced” one of the most giving men I know to put aside his ambitions and opportunities for me. I know that we do have some balance to our relationship because I work hard to be supportive of his sport activities/gardening, to do chores he hates, to put aside school work and focus on him, to have more s*x, watch my acidic tongue. We have both come a really long way over the last three years and are more in love and competent at this marriage thing than we have ever been.

    We live very frugally in comparison to most law students. We try (somewhat successfully) to keep a strict budget. Our big indulgences over the last three years are: two pets, buying new to us furniture to replace stuff we literally found by dumpsters and picked off the sidewalk, a delayed honey moon (entirely paid for by wedding gifts), purchasing a work wardrobe for my summer positions, occasional special event dinners. Of these indulgences, I have been the driver behind each except the honeymoon and the special events. That said, my husband adores our pets and loves the furniture we purchased.

    So what do we do?

    Do we stick to the plan of July? Or do we just “throw caution to the wind” and try to make June work. I am not sure that my husband will be happy with either choice—one way he will continue to work a boring job and the other way he will be a “house husband” living off of borrowed family savings.

    Any thoughts on what to do or how to manage the stress would be great.

    • First, it seems like you guys have really thought through all of your options and communicated with each other, which is fantastic.

      I think you need to just lay out the options for your husband and let him pick the lesser evil (retail or living off family savings) for him. As you said, you’ve have several years where the focus has been on you, and now it’s his turn. For super-wife points, is there any way you can pick up a part time retail/waitressing/bartending job yourself for a few months? Alternatively, can you get a salary advance from your firm instead of borrowing from family?

      • Ah just noticed you are taking the bar this summer, so taking on a part time job won’t be feasible until at least August. I’d talk to the firm about a salary advance.

        As for managing stress, once your husband makes a decision, don’t look back. You’re only talking about a few months of expenses here, not facing long term unemployment or a mortgage you can’t afford or anything like that. Enjoy the few months you guys have off together- it may be a while before you both have that much free time again.

        • Seeking advice :

          KK–

          Thanks for your thoughts. I had not considered a salary advance as an alternative to a more traditional loan. I will definitely discuss this option with my husband (and really try to let him take the lead on the decision).

          As soon as I finish the bar, I will try to find something asap. I am currently thinking about being a research assistant to a professor I admire.

          Your point about not looking back is well taken. Such a big part of reducing stress is moving forward, not tracing out what could have been different.

          Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. It was really helpful to write all of this out and get some feedback!

          Have a lovely weekend!

        • Anonymous :

          Unless you already know that your firm automatically gives out salary advances (and, if so, ignore my post!), before asking for an advance, I would ask around informally from others at the firm (if you can) whether this is something your firm normally does. At my own firm (DC biglaw, if that makes any difference), these types of requests are met with a lot of hostility and irritation — like a still talking about the person who asked for a salary advance eight years ago kind of irritation. I was surprised by all the vitriol, but I noticed that a lot of the older people at the firm forget how little money they had when they first started working and how much of a financial strain it can be to be taking the bar, moving, etc. Perhaps this kind of request is commonplace at other firms, but I would be careful about making such a request before your first day on the job.

          • Seeking advice :

            Thanks for the heads up! I think we are more comfortable working either with immediate family or a more anonymous lending service. I was wondering exactly what you warned of … do people/talk care about such requests? what kind of impression do you give before you start working?

    • One thing about cobra is that you can retroactively ask for it; so if you don’t have any health issues for 60 days (look in to details) you don’t even have to actually pay for it. We did this when we moved. If your insurance is going to be on hold for more than that, you may have to pay.

      As I read through this, I say – though my vote doesn’t really count — let your husband quit his job a month early. Moving is super stressful and if he’s miserable in his job and has been the giving one for you for several years, then give him this small gift. Yeah, it’s a big vacation, but moving and establishing things in a new city is a huge investment of time.

    • Doesn’t it all depend on the grad school decision? If your husband gets into his program, then YES, take the extra time off. (Also, are you sure you can’t move up your start date?) If your husband doesn’t get in, you have some bigger thinking to do. If I were you, I’d wait until then.

      Also, taking a month off and being a “house husband” are two totally different things. Life is long and a month is short.

    • If you’re young and healthy you maybe able to get cheap temporary health insurance in your new state rather than having to use Cobra, and that could help out financially. Assuming he gets into the graduate program I’m in the camp of letting him decide what will make him happiest.

    • I’d agree with the others that in the end it’s his decision — but if it were my SO, I’d encourage him to take the month off. Your long term position is solid (since you have a job contract already), so if you end up in the hole for the first few months you’re getting set up, IMHO that’s not unusual or a big deal. My SO and I paid double rent for 5 months when I moved for my current job! It’s just an expensive period. Also, opportunities to take a few months off are rare, once you get locked into a career path it’s just so much harder to have an uninterrupted block of time like that. As to whether he’ll enjoy the time off, only he can say, but since he’s brought it up already it seems likely that he’d rather the time off/time away from retail than the money.

    • Wow. I’m amazed that you’re getting out of law school with <$10K in debt. I really admire people that don't have much debt.

      But I know some of my family members are more obsessed with staying out of debt than actually living their lives. For instance, mortgages are good, even though they are debt. Taking out a debt to start a well-panned business is good.

      This month almost seems like a perfect, positive, time to use some debt. Borrow what you need to live. You are going to work at a firm. You will be able to pay it back. A Bar loan isn't a bad idea to cover living expenses for the both of you.

      Not all debt is bad. If it gets you over a hump, i.e., it's truly a temporary/short-term situation, and you know you will have more income in the future to pay it back, then it might be worth it to save you and your husband some hassle.

    • Seeking advice :

      Thank you all for your input. I come from a family where hard work and “clean living” (no debt, few indulgences) is a mark of character. I love my family dearly, but sometimes its good to hear that just because it is the way they do things, it is not the way that my husband and I have to do things.

      I shared your thoughts with my husband, and we are going to followup on some of your ideas. I am actually kind of excited to let him make this decision! I need to remember to enjoy the present a little more.

      Thanks again!

      • A bit late on the comments, but I totally agree that taking time off after a stressful job and before starting school sounds like a great idea. Money isn’t everything, and a month is just a blip. Remember that change is stressful, even good change, so it’s good if both of you can do it easier. And it really, really, should be your husband’s turn to decide this time, you owe him, so you should butt out of this one and just express support for his decision no matter what it may be. Express now that whatever decision he takes will be fine with you, I mean, don’t just wait to express support when he’s decided.

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