Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Colored denim is everywhere for spring and summer. Ladies, what are your thoughts? One part of me thinks they’re cute, and another part of me thinks nothing could be less flattering than pastel jeans. Still: if you’re looking, these super skinny stretch denim jeans are marked from $62.67 to $43.87 at ASOS. Vila Jeans Super Skinny

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  1. may I submit another hostess gift advice request?

    I stayed with a friend of mine on a work trip recently. She just recently moved into her apt in a new town, and let me stay with her for a whole week, plus she fed me several meals, made me breakfasts, etc. She was sooo amazingly sweet, and we aren’t super close friends, used to be work acquaintances. I really want to do something to repay everything she did for me, but I can’t think of anything.

    She’s in her 50s, so I feel like I don’t have any idea what she would want. She isn’t that much of a foodie, so the food/coffee/wine type things that are normally my gift standbys don’t seem like a good fit.

    She also still has a sparse apt, since she didn’t want to move things across country.
    But she is kind of picky, she talked a lot about the things she is looking for for her new place, so I don’t feel like I should try to pick something out for her place, since I would probably not get quite the right thing. And I say that because I am picky, and I’m not that excited when people try to buy me “stuff”, b/c they usually don’t get exactly what I would have bought.

    And I’m not that excited about a gift card kind of thing, cause that seems really impersonal. She knows that neither of us make a lot of money, so it’s not like I want to give her a bunch of cash. I just want to do something that somehow repays her hospitality and generosity.

    So, now that I have ruled out all the normal things, any ideas? ;o) thanks in advance, chicas!

    • oh, also, if it wasn’t clear, i am across the country so it has to be mailable/shippable. TIA!

    • This is completely outside the box. But there are several Etsy designers who make custom throw pillows and blankets. We used one who made a custom pillow for a window seat at our house. This was custom as in, you pick the fabric and the design, and they make it and send it to you. You could set her up with that for some pillows for her couch or something, that way she has maximum control.

      Kind of like — look, here’s this Etsy designer — pick what you want and work it out with them and its one me. That sort of thing.

    • I have given personalized notecards (a dozen or 20) in fun colors in the past. There are a lot of paper designers on etsy that have creative designs. It’s one of those things that’s hard to buy for yourself but most people appreciate having on hand.

    • Anonymous :

      just want to say that I have received a gift card in a similar situation from a very close friend. Her note said something like “I know you’re looking for x for your place” and it was for a home store where I could pick out the style I wanted. I really appreciated it. With the note, it didn’t seem impersonal at all.

      I’ve also gotten magazine subscriptions on topics that interest me, and random, silly gifts.

      Having been in her situation more than yours, I’m sure she is not expecting anything and anything you do give will be greatly appreciated.

      • I would send a gift card to Garnet Hill. They have clothes and also great bedding and linens and doormats and rugs…she’ll find something that she likes!

    • Send flowers?

    • these are all great ideas, thank you so much, lovely women!!

      • I am 50. Here are three things I would appreciate: 1. a magazine subscription 2. a gift certificate for a great restaurant 3. a contribution in my name to a charity I care about.

        I’m tired of flower delivery services ripping me off, but maybe I’m just unlucky in that.

    • Personalized/monogrammed tray from laplates dot com. I’ve given those as hostess gifts for people’s summer houses (with house name or number on them) and so far they have been appreciated. Or so I was told.

    • In the harmless-house-gift vein, I like nice dishtowels. Easy enough to fit in with the kitchen color scheme, if they don’t like them they can ditch them easily and you’ll never know, and imho everyone always needs more. Plus they’re one of the few things that can still be exotic in other countries, and they’re really light and packable for the plane.

    • I always give loved ones who have just moved giftcards to Lowe’s. Because they will *always* need it. Or a paint store, if she’s planning to paint any room?

      Flowers are a great idea, too. Or a GC to a local home boutique in her area would be good.

      • many of us hate gift cards so agree with you there. nothing worse than being ‘stuck’ with money you can’t use/don’t want to go to that store + you might lose the card.

        I have recevied before from long-distance people a delivered fancy fresh fruit basket. yes they are overpriced, but most people will eat it or can share it and it says ‘i’m grateful to you and not so annoying as to try to pick out housewares you may hate.’

        my favorite thing to do is ask someone closer to the person for recommendations- if you know someone that may help.
        also, personally think anything from jonathan adler is great- nordstrom website will deliver to her for example cute salt/pepper shaker set. not cheap either, but sooo cute and modern classy.

    • I’d get her a gift carad to Bed Beth and Beyond. With a new place, she is bound to need something there. I’d just say that you hope it helps her get settled.

  2. Ok ladies…. gettting ready to start going hose-less in Missouri. My feet always sweat in my spring/summer shoes and I use baby powder but I keep hearing people mention foot deodorants or special powders…. help?

    • I have something that is the equivalent of a Bodyglide anti-chafing and blister stick (though its not that brand) that I bought at Target and its awesome. It basically kind of looks like a deodorant and you rub it all over your feet. Its not fool-proof but it works better than nothing at all!

      • SometimesStinkyFeet :


        • I looked all over for the link and couldn’t find it! I’ll look around my house tonight to see if I can find the specific product and then post to it. :-P

        • Huh. As far as I can tell, the one I have is off the market (it is called Fab Feet Blisstick Invisible Blister Protection). But it looks like Dr. Scholls and others make the same thing.

          • I’ve found BodyGlide at a sporting goods store in a size that looks like deodorant. The Dr. Scholl’s versions I’ve seen in drugstores near me looks about 1/4 the size for 2x the price.

            In the sporting goods store, I’ve found it in the running section and in the scuba diving section.

    • Dr scholls makes a spray I like. My mom uses the powder version. The spray smells for a bit in the room you use it, but I find the powder always gets on the outside of my shoes!

    • Oh, we talked about that recently – are you wearing all-leather shoes? If not, start there :-).

      • Cosign this. Someone on here mentioned that once, and I realized my feet were only sweating and smelling in synthetic or synthetic-lined shoes. Now I check to make sure any new shoes are leather with leather lining. It’s made a huge difference.

  3. Not In Love :

    I’m happy to see the Weekend Open Thread.

    I am 31. I have a great boyfriend. He was enamored with me on probably our second date. He is educated and has a stable job. He would make a great husband and father, and he wants kids. He is a long-term planner. He cooks. He is a really good guy. He treats me really well. He pays for meals, opens my car door, takes care of me emotionally, and is always anticipating my needs. We have a good time together. Sex is great.

    He is ready to move in together. We talk about the future. He told me he would probably be ready to propose in the fall. At that point, we will have been dating over a year.

    I tell him I love him. But I’m not sure I’m “in love” with him. He’s super sweet, and I don’t really want to hurt his feelings by telling him this.

    Before him, my last long-term relationships were in high school and college. I think the problem is that I don’t feel about him the way I felt about my boyfriends when I was in my teens and 20s.

    I realize that love is different when you’re older. But people talk about meeting people and knowing “He’s the One.” I’m not sure I believe in that. It certainly didn’t happen.

    So my question is: Do you feel that way about your partner? Is your partner your “soulmate”? Or are they the right person at the right time? (I.e., the right person to start having kids with).

    I also dated a lot of jerks and douchebags before I met this guy. He’s like the first nice guy I’ve dated in a while, maybe ever. Throughout my entire 20s, I thought I was looking for someone like my boyfriend, but I just gravitated to guys who treated me badly. (Think Kirstin Wiig in Bridesmaids. I had been dating some uglier Jon Hamms. My current bf is the nice cop. I think I’m having trouble appreciating him.)

    I guess I’m trying to figure out whether this is a normal feeling, or whether it’s an issue with my own emotional availability.

    • I am dealing with something related and will be interested to hear what others have to say.

    • I’m not sure I believe “love is different when you’re older.” I think love is different as your relationship progresses….it changes from that all-consuming (and exhausting) infatuation to a more steady, warmer emotion.

      That being said, I’m not sure I really think of Mr. 30 as my “soulmate” – mostly b/c I never thought that term had much substance. But I was crazy-wild-infatuated with him when we first met. (Who am I kidding? I still am. It’s just not so all-consuming, all the time.) Definitely not just the right guy at the right time. (Also – would you want a guy to marry you because you were there at the right time? I wouldn’t.)

    • The question of what being “in love” should feel like is hard, because it’s so vague. Here are some alternative questions to mull over:

      – How do you feel in a relationship with him? Happier, more stable, less stressed? Bored? How does it compare to how you feel when you’re single or to other relationships you’ve been in?
      – Does he bring out stuff in you that you like? Do you feel more or less like you want to be when you’re with him? (I’d say more or less like yourself, but that’s hard to define, I think).
      – Do you want the same kind of life? Is his long term planning generally in line with yours?
      – Do you respect and admire him as a person? Think he’s smart/handsome/fantastic at something? If that respect isn’t there, I think it’s going to be hard long term whether or not you’re in love.
      – How do you feel when you’re apart?

      I think I was one of those people who “just knew” early on that my partner was right for me, but I wouldn’t say it was because I knew he was “the one.” What I knew was that being in a relationship with him was very different than other ones I had been in, and that being in a relationship with him was also way better than my single life (which I was generally very happy with). Before him, I had dated a lot of arty/emotional types, and I was actually not really sure my relationship with my SO would go anywhere because he was a quiet, stable kind of guy. What I discovered was that I feel comfortable, happy and better able to live my life in a relationship with a quiet and stable person. I thought I wanted excitement, but it turns out I didn’t. Once I experienced a relationship without drama, I was ready to sign on the dotted line pretty much right away because it felt so much better to me. I’m more able to be who I want to be as a person with my SO, and I hope I do the same for him.

      • As someone who is happily married, I just wanted to say your questions are spot on. They are so much more important than necessarily feeling crazy emotional in love feelings. I’d also add that the Respect&Admire aspect is the most important. By far.

      • I cosign all of the questions N. suggests above.

        I don’t believe in soulmates. I prefer to think of a spouse as a “teammate for life”- the person that you always want on your team, whatever life brings you. I would say that Mr. KK is my best friend. I don’t know that there was complete s*x-driven infatuation in the beginning, it was more like he and I just clicked in a way that I hadn’t with anybody else. Before we met, I couldn’t imagine what the future Mr. KK would look like. Like you, I had a thing for bad boys who were not smart marriage material and the nice rule-following young men never did it for me, so I honestly thought I’d just be single forever. A few months after Mr. KK and I started dating, I was amazed to realize that this was, in fact, exactly what I had been looking for. I definitely didn’t recognize it at first sight and I remember that it hit me, randomly, maybe 6 months or a year into our relationship, that this was the first guy I had ever met that I could actually see myself marrying. For the record, Mr. KK is a bad boy at heart and prone to disrespect authority generally, but he is also super smart, ambitious, loyal, and very sweet.

        • Also, having re-read your post, one year really isn’t a whole lot of time to sort through your feelings and decide if you want to marry someone or not. Some people know within a year, but I would think many people would still have some uncertainty at that point. You don’t need to decide to marry him or dump him right now. Maybe you can ask him to just slow it down a bit?

        • KK — I think that Mr. N and Mr. KK are kindred spirits! That is *exactly* how I would describe him.

      • These are great questions to ponder. I don’t think I believe in “soul mates” and as someone who has been very happily married for 7 years, I can tell you that trust/respect/friendship/admiration/and a mutual goal and mutual path to get there are a lot more important than any spark. I knew my husband was the one because he was the first person that I wanted to talk to when something good or bad happened to me, and because he makes me want to be a better and more successful person.

        I married my high-school sweetheart and I remember my mom asking me late in college whether I wanted to date around before I settled down, and my immediate response was “I’ve never met someone that I like and want to spend time with more than Mr. JJ.” I think that’s how you know he’s the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

      • “What I knew was that being in a relationship with him was very different than other ones I had been in, and that being in a relationship with him was also way better than my single life (which I was generally very happy with).”

        Me too – this is a great way to put it!

    • Wynn Duffy :

      Your 31 now. Do you want to be 80 with him? Picture yourself at 80. Your wearing your most fabulous corporette approved colored power suit of course. Who was by your side for the last 50 years, making you laugh, listening, being your partner. Who did you go through loss with and build a life with? Can you picture him as that man?

      I dated a guy that was really emotional abusive. I was used to “trying out” for his affections, always doing whatever I could to “win” him. When I met “the one” it was so… easy. We talked about things that were bothering us. he didn’t fly into a jealous rage when I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t feel like my world was ending when he didn’t answer his phone. We laughed all the time, supported each other, proudly called ourselves bf/gf. I had the same kind of reservations because I was used having to really work for my ex, and that rush of feelings I would get when I would suceed in getting him away from other girls. (yup, it was messed up) I asked myself the questions I just asked you, and was like yes. D*mn yes, I want this one to be who I’m old and wrinkly with.

    • Seattleite :

      Or, c) you’re fine, he’s fine, and he just not The Guy?

      Honestly, it sounds like you’re trying to talk yourself into being with this guy because he’s got all the right qualities on paper. Certain ‘check the box’ qualities are important, sure (hey, flamers, I’m talking about not-living-in-mom’s-basement and not-an-addict, okay?) but they should be a baseline. Meaning, *all* candidates should meet them, not *any* to meet them is Marriage Material.

      So, he meets the baseline. How do you feel when you’re with him? Do you eagerly look forward to seeing him? Do you feel connected to him? Does he ‘get’ you? Do you ‘get’ him? Are you prepared to make significant -and not-so-sig- sacrifices for him?

      Don’t keep a relationship going because he’s a great guy and you don’t want to hurt his feelings. If that’s all you’ve got, cut him loose and let him find the woman who knows she’s in love with him.

      I was on the other end of this. I believe my XH married me largely because I matched the ‘boxes.’ There is nothing more futile, or sadder, than trying to find other boxes to check so that someone who never loved you will love you after all.

    • I am currently trying to bring myself to break up with this exact guy. It will be 3 years this summer. Moved in together. He was a nice guy on the tail end of some real jerks. But, I thought I would learn to like him. Everything else is there. But, I can’t. You need the spark. Are you excited to see him? Because the men at my office are like “no I have to get home. Dont’ want to upset the wife.” w/r to work. I don’t care whether I upset him. I am polite and try to update him but I dont’ care. I put him last. When I think of something funny, I text my sister first, then my boss, then maybe him. It sucks. He really loves me. And I get into it about half the time. The rest is just dreading it at this point. But I am so scared of being alone at 30 even though I know it’s stupid and I am busy with work that I haven’t ended things. If you do not have butterflies now, they probably will not come later is all.

      The problem is I have never been single. I am going to try it and see a shrink to see if it is like you say an emotional availability thing. Maybe you could try seeing someone first then if that is not it, break it off or decide if meeting all of the other expectations is good enough for you.

    • WorkedAbroad :

      I really recommend the book “Is he Mr Right” by Mira Kirshenbaum. It should really help you figure out if this is actually a good relationship for YOU, or not. And if not, why it’s not “it”, and what you need that you’re not getting. Brief synopsis: good relationship has to have: a sense of it being easy and comfortable, fun, respect, safe, and sexual attraction. Seriously, I’ve a voracious reader, and this is one of the best, most useful, helps me figure out what I’m doing, books I’ve ever read. And it’s a fun easy read.

      Second, since you know that you don’t have a history of choosing great guys, if the book doesn’t make it clear, this is something really worth taking to a therapist.

      Third…I’d never felt that “This is it!” feeling until my current boyfriend, despite several good relationships and one awful marriage (which inspired by book reading binges). But I do feel it with him….there’s just that extra bit of “this is great!”

      • I think these five factors are spot-on.

      • Absolutely, sometimes a little regime of self-help books can help you see things differently :-).
        I’d also recommend ‘True love” by Wendy Kaminer.

    • This is how my relationship is. I have been married 6.5 years, with him for 9. And it has been amazing. No, our relationship is not passionate, and never was. But I realized a long time ago that attitude had everything to do with it. Let me explain:

      Sometimes, you get a feeling that there is something lacking because the passion isn’t there. If you dwell on it, then it makes it seem like there is something wrong with your relationship. I have made sure never to do this, and there are always ups and downs, but overall I am extremely content and can’t imagine being with anyone else. I think this feeling is something EVERY relationship goes through. No matter how infatuated you are with a guy, there will always be a time that you notice something about them and think “is this a big deal?” Such as they don’t bring you gifts as often as you like, or they spend money differently than you, or they have a different level of motivation than you. No matter how passionate or non-passionate the relationship is, you can and will always find something wrong with it.

      For me, I was in an extremely passionate relationship before, where I was completely infatuated. It was EXHAUSTING. Yes, I find myself missing that sometimes, but when I do, I don’t dwell on what my marriage doesn’t have, but instead I think of how much happier I am being stable and secure, versus the constant ups and downs. No matter your situation, you can always find things to hate or things to love. Which one you choose to dwell on sets the whole tone.

    • I started dating my husband when I was 17 (26 now), and he’s the only guy I’ve ever dated, so take this with a grain of salt. The relationship you describe sounds a lot like our relationship now. (To answer your questions: Definitely didn’t know he was the one, don’t believe in soulmates) I’m incredibly happy. I wake up each morning thinking how lucky I am. I don’t miss the intensity and drama of our relationship in high school at all.

      But different people need different things in relationships. You might be the type of person who needs a Great Love Story. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’d think carefully about if you’re the kind of person who can be happy just being content, or if you have the kind of personality that thrives on highs and lows and Things Happening. Neither personality type is better or worse, but one type can’t force themselves into the other’s mold.

    • My SO and I have a significant age challenge, and I sometimes worry that we will not have that s*xual spark in 10 or 15 years. But thinking about him, talking to him, texting him during the day…all bring a smile to my face. He’s the only one I ever want to talk to, he’s the only guy I’ve held hands in public with since high school and the only guy I’ve ever held hands with that didn’t feel awkward and wrong.

      I can absolutely see us sitting in our rocking chairs just talking or holding hands when we’re 80. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen (and it might be easier for me to picture him at 80 since he’s more than 1/2 way there!) :-) But being with him does all those things for me in the questions above, makes me feel good, makes me happy because I know I make him feel good, makes me try to be a better person and a better “me.” He brings a light and love into my life that I’ve never had.

      It wasn’t immediate with us, we worked together for a year before anything happened. Our first kiss was awkward and uncomfortable (also his first kiss in 2 years and mine in 1, so we weren’t exactly in practice!) we were a secret at first because we worked together and the age difference. So things moved pretty slowly. But once we “came out” and decided we didn’t care if people judged, we were pretty quickly attached at the hip.

      Really only you know. Does leaving this guy make you feel like you’re going to throw up? For me that’s a sign to stay, for others, that’s a sign that the relationship is too drama. I think it’s really really hard to know upon meeting/1-2 dates if someone is “the one.” Every time I’ve felt like that it turned out I was into it and he wasn’t or he was using me for the obvious. (Or not-so-obvious, I dated 1 guy who was just trying to get closer to my brother’s gf, who would have guessed that??) The only two really good relationships I’ve had (i.e. ones that didn’t end with both of us wanting to kill the other and not liking ourselves much either) are ones that I went into with a LOT of trepidation, a lot of concern…and probably relevantly, a lot of thought as to whether this was a relationship I really wanted to be in or if I just wanted to be in A relationship.

      Also, you guys have been dating about 6-8 months now? That’s not really a terribly long time to know whether this is the future Mr. Not in Love or if this is the future Mr. one-who-got-away or if this is the future Mr. goes-crazy-and-tries-to-stab-my-cat. See what happens as you get closer to this proposal, and be honest with him if he says something about “we’ll have a spring wedding” that you’re feeling a little rushed. You don’t have to say you’re not sure you’re in love with him, but just that you want to have some time to think.

    • I went through something similar to this last year (though it was a shorter relationship). I think that you should slow things down a bit and listen really hard to what your gut is telling you about this man. Think about whether you want to be around him and whether you get excited when you hear from him. In my experience, your gut will tell you what to do–you just have to listen to it!

    • Are you wondering if/when you’ll be in love, or are you wondering “hey when does the crazy start with this guy??” As in, crazy = d-bag or jerky behavior.

      If you’ve dated a lot of jerks, dating a nice guy can be rather surprising. BTDT.

      • Not In Love :

        I’m OP. I think maybe I’m wondering if there are other guys out there as nice and sweet (and cute, and awesome, etc.) and I just haven’t been seeing them because I’ve been dating jerks. Or whether he really is special and one-of-a-kind.

        And after reading this thread, and thinking it over, I think I’m not “Not In Love,” but I’m really more like, “Not Sure How to Figure Out this Really Nice Guy.”

    • Life can be very long. I’d ask yourself if you can grow and change with this person.

    • Westsidebee :

      I’m not a huge “soulmate” person either, but I don’t think the “spark” (or lack of it) should be disregarded so easily. I have it in my relationship with DH (now 12 years), and it seems like it’s been important in keeping us intimate and close.

      I am only speaking from what I know, and this is hugely personal. For some people, the spark probably doesn’t matter as much. But for me, I could never sign on to a relationship that was mostly for convenience — chores, money, kids.

      As sappy as it may be, this reminds me of the film Jerry Maguire — when Renee Zellweger says “On the surface, everything seems fine. I’ve got this great guy. And he loves my kid. And he sure does like me a lot. And I can’t live like that. It’s not the way I’m built.”

    • I am a banana. :

      I just broke up with exact guy. He was the right person for three years. I do love him but I wasn’t IN love with him, and that wasn’t enough for me. I wish I would have admitted it to myself before I moved and changed jobs, but luckily I love my new city and office…

      So when is that SF meetup again? ;)

      • karenpadi :

        How about the last Saturday in March? In SF? Are you on my email list? karenpadi at hotmail

        Can anyone make a decision re: place? I am woefully clueless about what’s cool in SF anymore…

        • you mean last Saturday in April, karenpadi? ;o) not that I would mind if the Doctor had to pick us all up and give us a ride to the meetup, but it would be a little bit easier… but as of now Sat Apr 28 is good for me!

          I don’t have any suggestions for location, tho, I am equally clueless..

        • I am a banana. :

          I’ll be at a bachelorette party that weekend, but so it goes! I e-mailed you, now that I am on the “list” I’m sure it will work out eventually. :) Thank you so much for organizing!

    • Well, I think I’m in the minority because I do sort of believe in soul mates. Not that one person only has one soul mate, but that there are defintiely people out there we connect with on a deeper leve. I married my soul mate at a young age and we’ll be celebrating our 18th anniversary this summer. How do I know he’s my soul mate? Because he completely understands me, and I can be 100% myself with him. I can talk to him about anything. I’d rather spend time with him than anyone else. It was interesting – a few months ago he went through some personality testing as part of some employment counselling. One of the things the counsellor talked about was being introverted vs extroverted – if being with people recharged you or being alone recharged you. For me being alone recharges me, but being with him also recharges me. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well, but being with him is as comfortable as just being alone, and to me that is important. Fairly early on in our relationship I realized I’d much rather go through the hard times with him than easy times without him. And that hasn’t changed.

      For us, we’ve never had a super passionate relationship, not even in the beginning. We are affectionate, for sure, and do have s3x a couple times a week, but our intimacy needs are met mostly emotionally rather than physically. We meet each other’s needs, and that’s what’s important. kwim?

      I hope you can figure things out with this guy. Good luck!

    • I would respectfully suggest maybe talking to someone (good therapist) about this.

      The lack of excitement you feel isn’t necessarily that you aren’t in love with this good guy.

      My best friend in the world went to therapy for this, because she, too, dated all these “bad boys/jerks” who would sometimes treat her great, sometimes treat her like crap and she was basically caught in an addiction pattern with this sort of treatment. She mistook this uncertainty as excitement, and for awhile, couldn’t “love”/be “into” good guys who consistently treated her well.

      She told me this, “do you all remember that experiment they did with rats? 3 groups of rats, in three different types of cages. Type 1: Press Bar and no food pellets EVER came out. Rats gave up ultimately and resigned themselves to death by starvation. Type 2: Press Bar and food pellets ALWAYS came out. Rats learned to only press the bar when hungry, but not fixated on the bar. Type 3: When rats pressed the bar, food came out at random times. Rats got so fixated on the bar, they pressed it to exhaustion and some died of exhaustion.”

      She said, “I was the rat in the Type 3 cage– not knowing whether my boyfriend would be Mr. Jerk or Mr. Prince on any given moment would keep me so addicted to try to please him and get the Mr. Prince to come out that I was caught in an unhealthy pattern.”

      So, there may be something to do in terms of your own outlook on life. On the other hand, maybe you do want to have a series of mostly monogamous (you, monogamous, jerky boyfriends, most likely not) relationships with a series of bad boys. Some women do and they’re fine with that. But only you can know, and I think it’s easier to know if one does the work of introspection/therapy.

      Good luck, whatever the outcome.

    • Love is not that different when you’re older. However at all times The One is a myth. Another one with other good qualities would possibly do just as well :-). And if this one went for some reason, there’d probably be another one. So let’s try to think about life and not romance novels.

      If I were you, I’d worry much more about this attraction to guys who treat you badly. I’d almost never say any such thing to anyone :-), but it may be worthwhile for you to talk to some therapist about it, not so you embark on 5 years of psychoanalysis, but so you are clearer in your mind about how you fully deserve to be loved by a nice guy. Picking one who has experience with abusive relationships would probably be wise, as in my experience this kind of syndrome often comes from screwed up family thing which needs to be acknowledged and cleaned out before you can move on with a good life for yourself.

      That said, you might gently hint to your bf that you’re not totally ready for a massive commitment yet. Not that you don’t love him or anything, but you’ll take a bit more time at it. This ‘ready to propose’ thing is also bunk, if you’re getting married you’re entitled to control the timing and especially not to get rushed into things. But maybe if you or him are determined to pretend the guy controls the relationship, you could instead agree to a long engagement, like a couple years -)? It’d give you more time to think it over, and more time to learn to feel comfortable in a good relationship.

      On the other hand, be sure you’re not sticking with someone who bores you to death just because he’s not beating you. Sometimes it’s hard to articulate what’s wrong with a relationship when it’s a negative, not a specific complaint. But just because you can’t say what you need or even necessarily think of it doesn’t mean you won’t stay acutely aware of something lacking.. That is not a good way to live life either.

      Good luck in any case! Remember to listen to your gut – sometimes it’s impossible to really reason your way out of things that are partly irrational. But good for you to be thinking about it at all :-).

    • dancinglonghorn :

      I feel that there are two “types” of people when it comes to relationships; satisfiers and maximizers (or optimizers)

      Satisfiers are happy when someone meets all the right criteria. They can generally be happily married to a wide array of people and ususally (from my peer group) have happy, healthy relationships.

      Optimizers are always trying to look for something better. Like, what if there is someone else out there who has all the criteria of your bf but also has the spark. I am an optimizer. By marrying my husband, I chose consciously to become a satisfier because I cannot spend the rest of my life looking for someone better. Type A women are almost always optimizers because this trait is what makes us successful in our career.

      I have a wonderful relationship with someone I once felt the same way as you do about. We are planning kids soon; I can’t imagine the difficulty of raising kids with some of my optimizer choices.

      So my (Biased) opinion is : if you want kids, stay. If you don’t want kids, leave.

    • Not In Love :

      OP here.

      I really appreciate all the wonderful advice. I’ve been given a lot to think about. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It seems some of you believe that your guy is the one for you in the world, and some believe that there would be other guys out there if yours wasn’t around any more.

      I think I might just let him know I need more time to consider this commitment thing. On one level, I want it to move along, too. (I mean, my uterus screams at me every day, WHY DON’T YOU HAVE BABIES YET??) But I need to make sure that I’m emotionally there, too.

      Therapy probably isn’t a bad idea, either. I’m sure there are some underlying reasons why I treated myself so badly for so long, and why maybe that translates into not understanding quite what to do when I’m in a nicer relationship. But that emotional work is hard, and scary.

      For what it’s worth, this relationship is really easy with him. Some of the things that you ladies mention as being signs that you’re in love with him are things that I have. So that’s a good sign. I guess I’m just not sure what this is supposed to feel like. He’s not perfect (none of us are), but I feel secure when I’m around him, and cared for. I love spending time with him. I am constantly emailing him jokes from work and sharing parts of my life that I find happy or sad. He’s pretty incredible – sweet and funny and handsome. If I get to hang out with him until I’m 80, I think I’d be a pretty lucky lady. :)

    • counseling. counseling. counseling. counseling. repeat ad infinitum.

  4. Hey peoples! Going on an arranged biodate this weekend with my family, his family and some middle-men family. I know nothing about the guy, this is going to be superfantastic. But wish me luck anyway? I think I’m gonna live-tumblr this one.

    • SF Bay Associate :

      Please do, Ru! That will be all kinds of awesome.

    • Hooray, sending good luck vibes your way!
      Also, I miss your styling suggestions and other comments, since it seems like they are less frequent (which is of course fine and your choice), but whenever you reappear, I think “yay Ru is back!”

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Ha! I’m sure he is very fair, engineer or doctor, very tall, US citizen or greencard yes?

      Just kidding, just some bio-data ribbing! Hopefully it goes well. I’m sure the aunties will be anxiously watching and gossiping.

      • Or he’ll have a wheatish complexion, no?

        • I don’t know yo but he lives like 250 miles away from me and I’m gonna have to wake up in the morning on a weekend. He’s starting out with negative points.

          • Oh, no kidding! NEVER take up with a morning person. Not only will they poison your life’s every morning, but they’ll feel morally superior about it too :-).


      Hope it goes well, bb, and can’t wait to read about it!

    • Knock ‘im dead! But just enough! You know what I mean.

    • Embarrassingly clueless... :

      What is a biodate?

      • It’s a word I made up, playing off the traditional desi matchmaking system of biodatas, where your whole history is written down and shuffled amongst aunties for optimal matching. Aunties are so advanced now that they have started emailing biodatas to each other. What a world we live in. Ummm, and I’m meeting someone as a result of this paper swap.

        • Embarrassingly clueless... :

          Thank you! That is pretty much what I guessed from the other comments. Good luck on your date!

        • Tall, fair, doctor/ engineer ???
          Honestly the personal column ads in India are awful , but good for a laugh any day.

          Didn’t realize the desi sub culture was the same in the US….

    • Tired Squared :

      If it goes anything like the arranged biodates I’ve experienced, he must be an extremely fair, taller-than-me, doctor. Because “no other profession matters” :)

      Good luck!!

    • Try to look at it ad an adventure! And report back!

    • Come on, everybody – obviously this is totally romcom glory. Ru, he is obvs going to be a total stunner with a great sense of humor and an awesome job. Although you will initially be kept apart by a Big Misunderstanding, eventually you will realize that when you thought he said “I never want to get married” what he ACTUALLY said was “I never want to get buried (by work).”

      OR. In the alternative, he’ll be a total dud, but his single cousin who’s coming on the date will be a total stunner with a great sense of humor and an awesome job, and eventually it’ll turn out that Mr. Date is secretly in love with…some random other girl and you and Mr. Single Cousin will live happily ever after.


      • cbackson, I just LOL’d. I think I love you.

      • +1000 LOL points!

        (And I love me a good RomCom)

      • Tired Squared :

        cbackson, you’re awesome.

      • Haha! I fully expect one of these scenarios to happen.

        Ru, good luck, and tell us how it went on Monday (if you’re comfortable; not trying to pry).

      • cbackson, you are my hero(ine!) I laughed so hard, I just woke DH. (Who’s a late-sleeper on weekends.)

        DH: what’s this?

        Me: nothing, nothing, go back to sleep, unless you want to talk about a biodata romcom scenario.

      • Now all we need is a good song and dance to accompany this scenario :-).
        Hope Ru gets good food out of this whole thing at least..

      • I literally LOLed. Getting my princess attire ready now and prepping my skin for tranny levels of makeup in the morning. If you’re more curious, you’re more than welcome to tag along at hijabeng on tumblr :).

    • Legally Brunette :

      Be prepared to sing! I think I sang three songs the first time around. Keep us posted on how it goes. :)

    • muslim anon :

      Hey what is your tumblr? I want to see this!

  5. Law clerk :

    I have a question for corporettes who have been working for a while. Did you spend your early months feeling like a fraud? I did really well in law school and couldn’t wait to clerk! Now I’m at a good clerkship, and I just keep waiting for my judge to realize I’m no good at this. I think some of this is because I work in a little to no feedback job. I haven’t gotten bad feedback (though I have made a few errors here and there) but I also feel like I am constantly stressed out of my mind just waiting for someone to point out a major mistakd I’ve made. I’m worried that if I’m this stressed out so often at my job, I may not be cut out to practice law. Ive always considered myself confident and poised, but even though I think I still project that image, I feel like an insecure mess inside.

    I guess my question is — is this just part of learning to e a professional with real responsibilities, or should I be worried about my competence/toughness (and maybe rethink going into a high stress job)?

    Thank goodness for the weekend thread!

    • Former MidLevel :

      In private practice, a lot of us felt this way at first. It takes a while to get your feet under you. Hang in there.

    • I’m at a firm as well, and a partner actually told me that he still feels like a fraud, and that sometimes feeling like a fraud is the only way you know you’re doing your job well. Basically that anyone who is challenging herself and growing professionally by leaps and bounds is going to realize (maybe frequently to start, and maybe just occasionally down the road) that she has no idea how to do what she is doing, but that she is going to hide that from everyone else by totally rocking her job (and getting help when she needs it).

  6. In search of Bunkster's New Job :

    to TCFKAG – you said something yesterday about the numbers on individual posts. My numbers went away some weeks ago and Kat provided an explanation about why. Have they returned for you? I’d love them back because the weekend thread especially is unmanagable without them – where did I leave off? How much has been inserted when I last read? When I click on a link and then return, it takes me to the top of the thread and I have no real idea of how far down to scroll.

    TCFKAG – do you have any secrets to get the numbers back? And, since I’m talking directly to you – I’ve always wondered what your handle means. Did I miss that? Care to share? I love your comments :)

    • Numbers on individual posts? I’m not entirely sure what you mean. When I want to return to where I was before in a thread, I’ll usually just ctrl-f to my last post or to something I remember reading (like in this case Bunkster) and that will get me there.

      It means the commenter formerly known as guest. Though I’m starting to think the all capital letters thing was a mistake…it seems to stand out and draw attention.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Love your handle!

    • If I may venture a guess – I recall a statement in the morning thread a couple days back about being 237 comments before we got a 2nd comment on the item of the day. I think the number of comments was based on the total at the top of the post, rather than individually numbered posts.

      Does that help?

  7. Personal styling revelation: I had always wanted to be able to wear my work skirts off-hours, but didn’t know how to make them less stuffy. I recently bought a denim button-front shirt and suddenly every single one of them can look chic and dressed-down. The shirt also goes with just about every other skirt or pair of shorts I own. It looks casual but not accidental, as a t-shirt would with most of these skirts.

    If, like me, you’ve wanted a denim shirt for a while but couldn’t justify the price, I suggest finding a good thick one, perhaps with cute snap buttons, and going for it. I recommend thick because if you want to wear it over a dress, it can still be streamlined rather than showing a lot of bunching. I’m thrilled! Have a good weekend all.

  8. ChocCityB&R :

    Any recommendations for a good place to buy leggings? I’ve recently lost about 45 pounds and I really need new pants, but since I have another 20 to go, I don’t want to spend a bunch. I thought a few pairs of leggings would bridge the gap for a while, but so far every target pair I’ve bought has had a hole in them.

    • Seattleite :

      You didn’t get the memo? Leggings are Not Pants.

    • I like the VS ones!

    • Yes, target’s leggings are cr*p, and it is so annoying.

      I have found my best leggings at places like Marshalls and Ross, but of course, they are not the most helpful stores when you Need Something Right Now. So, if that doesn’t work, I do think Old Navy leggings are a bajillion times thicker and nicer than target’s. I have also heard good things about Old Navy’s jeggings, but I haven’t tried them yet. And they’re only $30, so that could be a good standby pair of jeans until you lose more.

      And congrats on losing the weight! good work!

      • Backgrounder :

        I like the ON Rockstar Jeggings. They are comfy, stretchy and come in a decent variety of colors (including some nice pastels and brights for spring). I have four pair! Plus they aren’t that expensive so you don’t have to worry if they don’t fit as you continue to lose weight. The only thing I will say is ON seems to have a quality control issues with the fit. For some reason all of the sizes and lengths aren’t standard so I would highly recommend trying them on in store rather than ordering online.

    • Anonymous :

      Hue. Sometimes you can find them on discount at DSW.

      • I like Hue a lot. I have the boot cut and the regular. The soft stretch work best for me (dark wash) because they look more like real jeans and they are stretchier at the bottom. The regular denim leggings barely fit over my very muscular calves.

        • Oh and should have mentioned, I’ve bought them at Macy’s, but the Hue website is great. They have a flat shipping rate and send discount codes via email pretty often.

    • I like the Assets ones (Spanx’s less expensive line). Bought them online and have been very happy with sizing/fit per info on the website and they have held up well. (I wash in cold and hang dry.)

      Congrats on losing 45 pounds! Wow.

  9. So I’m pretty sure someone has asked this before but I can’t find that comment anywhere:
    Does anyone here have experience with Dorothy Perkins clothes?
    They look nice on the website and are definitely affordable but I’d prefer to know more before I start ordering them online (I’m in western Canada so no stores here).

    • CA lawyer :

      Awesome 12 years ago, quality wasn’t great last I checked maybe 5 years ago.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

      I’ve only ordered from them a couple of times, but I find the quality to be acceptable for the price. Much better than clothes I’ve gotten for the same (or more) at Loft.

    • When I first read this, I read it as “Dorothy Parker’s clothing”?

      I’m not sure you can buy them 90 years later. Lover her stories, but I have to disagree with “Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” The more discerning ones do…

    • Uk based. Dotty P is standard high street standard for us (better than h&m, same owners as topshop and probably slightly better standard as it skews to an older market, defiantly not as good as Hobbs or it’s ilk). Completely reasonable quality for the price in my mind. Sizing runs slightly large to high street (say compared to zara)

    • Thanks everyone who replied. :)

  10. I am an idiot. :

    I just replied to opposing counsel with an e-mail making a snide comment, instead of forwarding it to someone in my office as I’d intended.


    • Oh that sucks! I feel for ya.

    • Equity's Darling :

      Yipes, this is my greatest fear. I always put the email address in very last, after reading and re-reading the emails I draft, in hopes of staving off accidental emails. Or, I call the person or walk to their office for particularly snarky comments, that I realllyyy don’t want a paper trail for. I’m all about the CYA.

      • Oh yeah, after working in employment law for 3+ years I am ALL about no paper trail. As one of the most paranoid attorney’s I’ve ever known (of course, he’d been sued for malpractice like 5 times) always said “if you don’t want to see it blown up by a million on a projector in front of a jury DON’T WRITE IT.” Of course, that was a PITA when I actually wanted a paper trail for something and he would still chew my ass. I’m not going to write a letter to a client every time I try to call him and say please call me. But if they’re one of _those_ clients I might send a 1-liner “Just left you a message, please call at 123-456-7890 when you get a chance.” That way I have a paper trail to show that I called, left messages and sent emails every day for two weeks and it’s not my fault when you call up screaming about how you haven’t talked to your attorney in 14 days.

    • Whoops. Depending on the snide comment, I’d guess a “I’m terribly sorry and mortified and of course I shouldn’t have sent that and really shouldn’t have even have said it” e-mail might be in order.

      Also, see this Above the Law post about a Quinn Emannuel partner who accidentally replied all to the entire firm with a snide remark that was apparently intended for one particular other person, in the worst possible situation.


      So it could be worse!

    • bahahahahaha! Happens to the best of us. Give yourself tonight and tomorrow to cringe internally about it; forget about it on Monday.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I have a one minute delay on my outbox to catch and retrieve such things.

      • This is BRILLIANT – setting it up now! I feel like you just saved me from some embarrassing moments in the future!

    • I have totally done this. It was awful, but I still work with this person all the time and it’s fine.

    • It happens to everyone. Send an apology if you think one is in order, but don’t flog yourself too much over it. Maybe a break, a nap, something to keep you from making more mistakes?? A bar of chocolate :-)?

    • guys in my high school sent snarky emails to opposing counsel all the time, it was no big deal…

      sorry. couldn’t resist. but I have both sent and received snarky/rude things from opposition. if I were you, I’d move on and pretend like it never happened.

  11. Seattleite :

    This just in – Karl Lagerfield is going to be designing HELICOPTERS.

    I wonder if they’ll be quilted?

    • This might be the awesomest news I’ve heard all day.

    • His wine glasses come with their own coasters.

    • Seattleite- just wanted to say- did you also enjoy the lovel day here? I was mostly running pre-baby errands but sat at Golden Gardens for a bit just marveling at our glorious surroundings (and all the people coming out of the woodworks). Seattle on a sunny day- best place on earth:)

  12. Jacqueline :

    Random threadjack — favorite Trader Joe’s products? I’m heading there after work and could use some grocery inspiration. I’ll start with mine: Thai chili lime cashews, multi-grain pita chips, peanut butter-stuffed salted pretzels, and sesame almonds.

    If you are what you eat, I am a salty, carb-y snack food.

    • I am a banana. :

      The pitted dried tart montgomery cherries. I am also way into the peanut butter salted pretzels, amazing. Their chocolate and yogurt covered pretzels are really good, too. They have this mushroom fettuccine in the frozen aisle that is my guilty bad day favorite.

    • I love the frozen asian style dumplings. Makes me wish we had a Trader Joe’s anywhere, you know, in the state.

    • Sea-Salt, Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. They are on my banned foods list. They are that good.

    • Snapea Crisps…preferably the Caeser flavored ones.

      • Mushroom risotto (frozen food aisle), vegetarian burrito (frozen food), and the tsaziki (yoghurt and cucumber spread, in refrigerator.) Oh, and the arugula frozen pizza. And chicken lemongrass spring rolls (frozen).

        What can I say. I’m a TJ addict.

      Seriously. Try it.

      I also love their chocolate chips (better than Nestle at less-than-grocery-store-brand price), huge bars of dark chocolate for ridiculously cheap, bags of raw almonds, dried apricots, and thai chili lime cashews (yes!).
      This reminds me that I need to go to Trader Joe’s.

      • I am a fan of the Tea Tree Shampoo as well. It’s better for my hair that some of the Pantene stuff I was using before.

    • All of the frozen indian lunches, but especially the palat paneer and the chicken tikka masala. And the five cheese macaroni and cheese, its AWESOME.

    • TJ brand Biscotti, 100 calorie chocolate bars (there is a god!), dried mango slices

    • Roasted seaweed snack! It also comes in wasabi flavor, but that’s too hot for me.

    • D Train South :

      Rice crackers. I have no patience for my local TJ’s, but when I do get up the will to go in, I go straight for these and buy 5 bags.

    • Shelled salted pistachios!

  13. So after reading some of the comments yesterday, I have to ask: are flared legs considered out of style?? I hope not because that’s basically all I’ll wear. I’ve steadfastly resisted skinny jeans mostly because I’m convinced they would be completely unflattering on me. Do I need to break down and make the switch?? Help me, Hive.

  14. SV in House :

    I need some make up advice. I had breakfast with two former colleagues last week. As it was breakfast and I was staying in a nearby hotel, my makeup was freshly applied. After we hugged hello, I noticed that I had left little smudges on their suit coats. I was mortified and did not know if I should point it out. I used foundation and loose powder. Is this common? What did I do wrong?

    • I have dark skin so my makeup leaves dark spots which are very visible.
      The powder transfers because it’s not set.
      Use a setting spray and you should be fine and as a bonus you’re makeup stays fresh looking all day. An example of a setting spray is MAC Fix+

  15. PS Any thoughts on whether I can read both A Feast for Crows and A Dance with Dragons in 21 days? I just saw that I was next on the list at the library for A Feast for Crows so I requested A Dance with Dragons since I would be 3rd on the list. Somehow, I got Dragons yesterday and Crows today. I can wait till tomorrow or Sunday to actually get/download Dragons, but that’s only going to give me a day or so more…

    • How much free time do you have? What is the bare minimum of sleep that you need on a daily basis?

      Alternatively, what is your library’s late policy, and how many late fees will you rack up if you can’t?

      • I don’t have a ton of free time but work is pretty calm right now. I’m training for a 10k/very involved in my goal to lose 85 lbs this year. I don’t have a LOT going on during the weekends but I do have at least 1 thing every weekend.

        These are e-books so once the 21 days hits they just refuse to open and you have to re-download them. Your page is saved but it’ll probably be a 3 week break before I can re-check it out and possibly as much as a 6 week break.

        I think I’ll return Dragons so that whoever just returned Crows can check it out, then get back on Dragons’ list.

        • I say you can do it! I read them at a steady rate of one per three days, as long as two of those days were weekends. It took me five or six if I could only read them after work.

        • What kind of reader are you using for your ebooks? I have found that with my Kindle that I can keep an “overdue” book as long as I keep the wi-fi turned off. I could still read the file on my Kindle.

          • On my Nook, as long as I keep it set to a page of the book I’ve borrowed from the library, I can read it even after the book has expired. If the power dies or I charge it, then I will lose the book. I recommend charging it right before it expires and you should be able to get an extra week or two.

          • To nona and MelD, that is interesting. I had one experience with a book where it refused to open after the deadline, so that scared me off of trying. But then I was desperately trying to finish a book before midnight and even set my clock on my nook back (not knowing if it would help) and fell asleep with like 5 pages to go. But the next morning I was able to read them. I wasn’t sure why.

            I have a bit of an annoying battery in my nook and it fairly frequently restarts the whole nook, so that might not work for me, but it’s good to know.

            I decided to give up the D of D but saw that nobody has grabbed it yet. Also, F for C is only 700+ pages instead of 1000+ like the last ones. So I think I’m going to grab it. Although I only managed to read about 200 pages over the weekend…

        • Audible.com and listen to books as you do your 10k training. I cannot tell you how much more I “read” now that I listen to books as I run!

          • I just started listening to books as I run! I like it a lot and it actually inspires me to run. Sometimes I yell at the people in the books, like in the last one where the murder suspects were three men and I kept yelling “It’s not the men, it’s one of the two bat-sh*t crazy women!!” Luckily, I run on my own. It does get distracting though, I have my “real” book and my audio book both going at once!

            I get my audio books from the library too thought, not a great selection, but I’ve found some real gems.

    • Well if you’re anything like me, you will start reading it one night and refuse to leave your house until you’re done, up to and including calling in sick to work, so, yeah.

    • Youngster :

      If you’re a Kindle user, download the library books, and turn off your wi-fi. Do not turn wi-fi back on until you’re done reading the library books. At the 21 day mark, they will be considered “returned” and someone else can check them out. But the books don’t fly away on whispernet until you turn the wi-fi back on. No late fees. No negative consequences. This has been great for these huge books.

  16. GRRRR. I’m subscribed to this post, but not actually getting any comment updates via e-mail! Did something change?

    • I had the reverse happen this morning. I didn’t subscribe to any posts, but I got emails all morning.

    • I almost always subscribe when I comment, and I often only receive about half the emails. There are far more comments here than what I see in my inbox. It’s confusing.

      Could it be spam blocker issues?

    • I’m getting comment update emails, but then when I get here the comment isn’t here?!

  17. For the polka dot obsessed, can I just tell you that skirts like this one from White House Black Market (link to follow) make me really miss a business casual work environment? I have no excuse to wear things like this anymore.

  18. A friend of mine just sent me this link: http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/marc-by-marc-jacobs-flats-mouse-slingback-ballerina?ID=585978

    Um, what were they thinking?

    • At least one person bought them! I just had my secretary and another attorney in here laughing our tushes off!

    • I mean, they’re……whimsical. Right?

    • Haha, these are actually uber trendy among fashionista types. I have friends who buy them every year (regular ballerinas, not slingbacks, I think).

    • Marie Curie :

      Charlotte Olympia has a matching pair for … um, let’s say a different price:
      www dot charlotteolympia dot com and search for “kitty flats”

    • Ha, I love those! I would wear them all the time if I could afford them.

    • I used to have flats like these! ….. when I was 17.

      • That was my thought – anyone young enough to wear them couldn’t afford them.

        • Exactly what I was thinking! Would be cute for a little girl with rich parents though.

      • I wouldn’t wear, but would smile and be happy if i saw someone else wearing!

    • Um, confession, I have these (as ballet flats, not slingbacks). But, I study mouse models of anxiety, so it’s kind of a little in joke. FWIW, my husband hates them and thinks they look juvenile, and I kind of agree, but they still make me smile every time I put them on.

      • Awwww see now I feel bad for making fun. That sounds like a cute joke. If think if I wore them, they’d be attacked by an adorable black cat.

        • Argh. *I think*

        • Oh, no worries, I know that they’re kind of crazy… and as a fellow corporette I think you can reserve the right to make fun of me if you ever catch me wearing them to work!

      • D Train South :

        I think that is the very best reason to own them. Your husband should get the joke and leave it alone.

      • I love them – if my feet could tolerate ballet flats I’d own them too. So wear them with pride.

  19. purplepear :

    **Question from a first time poster** I’m a recent undergrad and starting my first office job. Is a slight winged eyeliner acceptable? Nothing dramatic of course, basically just a small flick. My office isn’t really conservative but I’d just like some thoughts.

    • Almost certainly. Especially if it looks good on you, you do it right (I’m assuming you do) and it doesn’t look like Cleopatra on crack. At your age you can definitely get away with it. I am an attorney and 30 and girl-next-door style and absolutely could not. Also, on your first day take note of what people in your similar job are wearing as well as that of your supervisor. Take your cues from your supervisor if you can.

      It’s hard for me because at my office the senior female attorneys don’t wear makeup at all and only one ever wears a suit. But the other attorney at my level is my age and has been here for years while I just started in January so I try to take my style cues from her.

      • karenpadi :

        “at my office the senior female attorneys don’t wear makeup at all and only one ever wears a suit”

        Yay! I love being an attorney in California. Make-up? What make-up? And I don’t know if I own a suit that still fits…hmmm.

    • lostintranslation :

      I think it depends on the rest of your makeup as well. I saw some tutorials on youtube where the girls apply liquid eyeliner, wing it, but then blend it in and use other products so it’s more subtle (if that makes sense). That’s the route I would go.

      • my view- not unless you want the repuation as ‘catwoman’ or such. my spouse and i knew a girl who did this (noticeably) and still refer to it a decade later. but we are lawyers and conservative dressers. even so, i think always better to err on side of not drawing attention to yourself in wrong ways, especially in beginning.

    • Yep. Or so I hope….
      Not Amy wine house type eyeliner though I’m sure yours is nothing like that.

  20. Following up on the thread about the British woman who thinks she’s ridiculously, ridiculously good-looking– a man’s retort. Hilarious. http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/04/samantha-brick-hated-good-looks?fb=native&CMP=FBCNETTXT9038

    • Ha! I love the Guardian, not to mention Tim Dowling’s soulful, beseeching eyes. Somehow hadn’t seen the original article–but wowwww that woman sounds like she has a very erm, unique and personal relationship with reality.

      • “unique and personal relationship with reality”

        HAHA. I’m going to be stealing that phrase in the future, FYI.

    • lostintranslation :

      So good! I had already seen the piece about Samantha Brick in the Atlantic, but this one is way better. I wonder if people like Samantha Brick with their alternate reality are somehow happier than those of us who are really self conscious all the time, but I guess it doesn’t matter, since I wouldn’t want to be like that…