How do you deal with back-handed “compliments” in the office? Reader B wonders…
I am a 30 year old lawyer working in Washington, DC. My late 20’s/early 30’s professional female friends and I have experienced a strange and disconcerting dynamic amongst women in the workplace: getting negative comments from other women for being smartly/well- dressed. These outfits, I believe, would objectively be considered professional, age-appropriate, and well-fitting: tailored suits in feminine cuts, pencil skirts to the knee, or pumps with a modest heel. They would certainly be similar to those depicted on the Corporette website. The comments often take the form of backhanded compliments, such as, “That shirt makes you look soooooo thin.” They may also be cautionary, like “Wow, you had better be careful not to hurt yourself in those heels”. This feedback comes from women at a similar professional level and more senior employees. It most often comes from women whom are a generation older and seem to be, at times, more about our size and age than what we are wearing. It also seems to be more of an issue in government and non-profit environments, as we haven’t noticed it to be a problem in the private sector. How should we respond to this type of feedback? At what point should we give in to workplace pressure to dress in a more bland way versus continuing to wear clothing that makes us feel sophisticated and professional?
This issue comes up a lot, and as your friendly blogger I see both sides of it: the younger women wondering why these older women are giving them these back-handed compliments, and the older women asking me how in the world they tell someone they’re dressed wildly inappropriate for the office in a casual way. I’m curious to hear what readers think about this.
A few thoughts:
- I think you always have to interpret what they’re saying as constructive advice for how to dress for YOUR office. Remember, ladies, just because something is featured on Corporette or in another “wear it to work” source doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for YOUR office, because every office has its own peculiarities. These older women are — hopefully — trying to convey to you that something about your clothes is inappropriate for the office. The flip side: just because they’re saying these things doesn’t mean that they’re right, either — they could be jealous, they could feel threatened by you, etc, etc. But every time I’ve been on the receiving end of these kinds of compliments (and trust me, I have) I’ve studied what I was wearing, studied my office, and tried to make an educated, objective decision whether to stop wearing whatever was so offensive. These would be my interpretations of some possible “compliments”:
- “Don’t hurt yourself in those heels” = “You look like you’re having a problem walking in those shoes, which is inappropriate for the office.”
- “Oooh, cute dress — do you have a date tonight?” = “You’re dressed for your date, not your job, which is inappropriate.”
- “You look sooo thin in that shirt” = “Wow, that is tight! Should I really be able to count your ribs?”
- “Gee, I never would have thought to wear a corset top with a suit!” = “Why are you wearing a corset top with your suit?” (Pictured: Victoria’s Secret.)
- In the instant it’s said, this is your response: a cheerful “Thanks!,” possibly followed by a compliment about her outfit or, should you choose, a note about your own attire. “I was inspired by Boss X’s great outfit on Friday,” or “I feel like I could run a mile in these heels!” or something positive. I wouldn’t talk about it more than that unless you’re in a formal setting (HR office).
- Here are some guesses as for why this issue comes up in government and non-profit offices but not the private sector: a) there are probably more older women in general there since there is often a promise of a better work/life juggle in those environments, b) they tend to be smaller offices with their own “personalities,” and c) they probably don’t have a separate HR department or other formal ways of telling you that you’re dressed inappropriately. But, like I said, those are just my guesses…
Readers, how do you deal with back-handed compliments? Also, I’m really curious — would you rather someone say directly “that dress seems a bit inappropriate for the office,” rather than paying you some false “compliment”? For those of you who have tried to tell someone that she was dressed inappropriately, how did you do it (and what was her response)?
I’ve worked my entire career in DC nonprofits. There are definitely a lot of frumpy older types. I agree with previous comments along the lines of smile and say thank you, and if you really feel there is a concern, to ask the question, ‘oh, is it too tight?” or whatever. We have a wide range here, from people who go to the Hill every day and have to wear suits, to admins who never have to meet with an outside partner and can wear jeans, and interns who dress completely inappropriately, but that’s a tale we’ve all heard.
I think it is never appropriate for an employee to tell another employee that their outfit is inappropriate in any way. That is the job of HR or possibly a lawyer in a supervising position.
I do feel like some of the comments I get from older lawyers are bizarre- someone once asked me “Can you actually see in those sunglasses?” I still don’t know if that was sarcasm.
In general, sarcasm is never helpful and can be completely lost on someone with different life experiences than your own.
I am excited for my new job where only older male lawyers work.
So tired of 20 year old pontificating about how sarcasm is not appropriate. Maybe it’s rude, but it does make the teller feel better, not to mention the audience can appreciate too :-). And while we’re on the topic of jealousy, it seems that many who whine about it are simply devoid of wit.
Good luck in your new job..
I ran into this problem when I was assigned to mentor a first year associate at my firm. She was having a work issue in that there was a perception that she was unprofessional and not too bright. HR informed me that her job was on the line, and they wanted me to give her some advice to help her change that image before it was too late. She had a bubbly personality and she put a lot into her appearance. Think Reese Witherspoon’s character in “Legally Blonde,” complete with bedazzled blackberry. Personally, I would describe her as very smart, but not necessarily wise. The conversation I had with her was difficult to say the lease. I took her to lunch and told how important it was to exude a professional attitude, and that dressing more conservatively could help her achieve that. I specifically mentioned the blackberry, but didn’t dwell on specifics. We also discussed taking on a more formal tone at work, especially with the partners. It was horrible. She nodded and said all the right things, but I couldn’t help but see how I had offended her. I felt that everything I said went in one ear and out the other, and it certainly broke whatever trust I had established with her. I tried to follow up with her several times, but I just didn’t feel like I was able to connect with her any more. HR informed me she had impressed a partner with some work she had done and would be working more with that partner, so I was happy for her. Unfortunately, she was let go within the year. This was a person with a lot of potential, but she just didn’t thrive at my firm because there was a misperception about her based on her appearance more than anything else. So, I agree with Kat to always consider where comments about your appearance might be coming from. It may just be an opportunity to see how others perceive you and to make a change if that perception is not what you would like it to be.
Everything about that story is horrifying to me.
I ALWAYS get the get the “wow, how do you walk in those heels” comment in my conservative NYC BigLaw firm. In reality, my heel are almost all 3.5 inches and NEVER higher than 4 inches, which admittedly is on the high end of what is appropriate, but I’m only 5’2 so I feel like I need the extra height to avoid looking up like a child when speaking to male attorneys who are frequently a foot taller than me. When I get backhanded comments from other female attorneys I usually just respond jokingly with “I’ve been 5’2 since junior year of high school, so I’ve had lots of practice.”
To be honest, if you prove that you are an asset to the firm, people can make all of the backhanded compliments they want about how high your heels are or how much you spend on clothes, but at the end of the day, it’s all just background noise .
Nobody’s paying attention to the fact that many of these comments come from NYers, probably the only people in the country who truly walk :-). Four inches may not be crippling if you drive everywhere, but they’d be to most people in NY.
And Lena, I feel for you, it’s easy to get intimidated by a lot of tall guys. But maybe now you’re a bit better established in life, you can let up on yourself and allow yourself to be .. short :-)? It’s not a flaw, really, most people will forgive you quickly. And your knees and back will thank you.
An aside: everyone in France talked incessantly about how the previous President was short. Nickname: “the dwarf”, referring to the moral level as well. He wore those weird inside-platform shoes, he made his wife wear flats for the first time in her life, he flew around with his own mini-lectern, he demanded people shorter than him for ‘public’ photo ops.. His successor is if anything even shorter, from the inaugural pictures of them together. But I’ve yet to hear a single word about his size, even from his opponents.
I work for a federal agency in DC and have not noticed a trend of back-handed compliments. Maybe my agency is different from others.
Anyways, I agree with Kat’s advice except for one small point. I think that if you get these things repeatedly you should examine whether there is some veiled constructive criticism in them, that your skirt is too tight or your heels are so high they look unprofessional. It is probably worth asking someone you trust and respect to give you an honest opinion about the appropriateness of the particular item of clothing.
I disagree slightly with Kat as to how to respond to them when it is very clear that there is nothing constructive about the remarks. Rather than saying “Thanks” and then saying something positive about your outfit, I think you should say “Thanks” and then say something substantive about work. Changing the subject like this conveys that you are not interested in remarks about your wardrobe and want to keep the conversation professional. If the remarks continue from particular individuals, then I would skip the “Thanks.”
100% agree. We have a backhanded complimenter at our office who says things like (real examples) (1) to a senior partner returning from mat leave after having a child at age 45: “wow, you look like you’ve got most of the baby weight off” (2) to a blonde lawyer with recent highlights “it looks so much better now… Before it was really… Yellow”
I wish this person would learn to either say “you look great” full stop, or just say nothing.
I work with someone who is one of those dicey ladies: very tuned in to gossip and gossipy, can be extremely helpful and warm when on your side, but it’s clear she always has a deep chip on the shoulder somehow. Eg- she organized and brought me a baby gift yesterday from the team; lent me a support pillow; comes to see how I’m doing. But, things I’ve heard from her this year: wow you look so sick and green today! oh poor you you are really having a hard time! or the best: i was telling so and so how we have this great up and coming leader under 30 at the company (meaning me), but xyz happened and so and so didn’t prepare her properly for that… well I am 35, and the incident in question was like nothing, smaller than a fruit fly, just something I complained about out of annoyance, not any kind of substance-related frustration or failure. Anyway- ladies can sure be doozies. Honestly, I like that a majority of my team is men- simpler!
People don’t think about us nearly as much as we think they do. Sometimes a comment is just a comment. We are far too sensitive and need to move on before we make ourselves crazy trying to interpret things that likely mean nothing. Those women probably don’t even remember having said anything.
Also I really fail to see how commenting on the height of ones heels is a backhanded compliment. I’ve had women say that to me and I interpret it to mean that they just aren’t comfortable walking in that heel height (regardless of what that is) and don’t know how some women can do it all day long. It’s a personal preference and nothing more. I never give it a second thought. Spend your time and energy elsewhere. This is not putting it to good use.
This is appropo of nothing but I really hate when people say I look tired. This is always after a week spent in court, travel or days of deposition, and I think it is meant as a way of saying, go home, get some rest, you deserve it. But I’m always tempted to say, gee thanks for telling me I look like $hit!
Love this thread! When I was a first year at a well-known BigLaw national firm, the most senior associate in my department (a woman) told me I needed to talk to another first year about her clothing. She said the most significant partner in our department (another woman) was upset that the other first year (who was hired as a lateral when I was about 9 months into my job) was wearing short skirts and low tops, it had to stop and the partner wanted me to talk to her. Don’t you love how the partner told her to order me to talk to this woman?
Although the other first year wore suits that were clearly expensive, her skirts were very short and the blouses, while of professional material, were invariably tight or low cut or both. To top it off, she wore sky-high heels. So I thought about my options and decided I had to talk to her. I did my best to be sensitive in talking to her, but it did not go well. She literally screamed at me, cried and left the office for the day. The main reason she was upset was because she had spent a ton of money on her clothes, but also because she she liked how she dressed and felt it was not mine or anyone else’s business how she dressed. After that, she and I had no relationship. Her clothing choices changed a little (ie, I noticed she was buttoning certain blouses a little higher) but not much. She and that partner never got along. If I was encountering a similar situation today, I would go to HR instead of handling it myself! Your thoughts?
Oh, no kidding, you should certainly not have been the sacrificial goat for that one! You should definitely have gone to HR, pobrecita, it would have been their job. I guess the partnership felt that they were being sensitive, that getting another first-year to talk to the girl would be lighter, less official and less painful than being raked over the coals by a partner. And to be honest I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get a woman to talk to her either, as a male partner discussing your low-cut blouses would definitely be inappropriate :-(. But it’s not surprising that a new girl would be unhinged by having her clothes criticized, and the money factor can be terribly painful as well. You can just get a skirt hemmed if you’re accused of being too frumpy, but you can’t add fabric where it’s missing.
Very sad situation for both of you..
Why does the LW think these are “backhanded” compliments? That must be an exhausting and miserable way to live. I’d say just respond with a cheerful “thanks,” or “I don’t find it hard.” If anyone wants to express a problem with the way I dressed at work, they’d need to be a lot more direct than that because I certainly am not going to start examining everything everyone says for Hidden Subtext.
The specific instances seem… perfectly innocuous to me. “You look thin in that ____” — in any workplace I’ve ever been in, the majority of women are either dieting or think they should be. My weight has fluctuated drastically due to health issues, and believe me, when someone says “you look thin in that” they’ve always meant, “you look great. I don’t think I look as great. Do you, perchance, have any actual Weight Loss Secrets that will work better than the (expletive deleted) WW plan I’ve been following since forever which has had little to no effect?” (I really wish that “you look thin” was not the biggest compliment our culture feels able to offer women, and that particular line of talk always made me uncomfortable because — as I said — health reasons — but I never felt it was maliciously meant.)
As for shoes — I get that too. And what that usually means (I’m always happy to chat with people about shoes, I like shoes!) is “I really CAN’T walk in heels. I have foot problems/weird feet/never learned, and my one pair of dressup pumps leaves me limping for days any time I wear them — how do you do it?”
I feel that either there’s a heavy load of context missing from the query, or the LW is reading wayyyy too much into things, myself.
I found this conversation really interesting and wanted to raise a question: To what extent should one’s natural body affect one’s choices in office wear? And I don’t mean avoiding things that are unattractive, but as one poster mentioned above, a pencil skirt may seem va-va-voom on one woman and unremarkable on another.
Case in point, this woman who claimed she was fired for looking too sexy: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37495127/ns/business-us_business/t/woman-bank-fired-me-being-sexy/
Video (staged) shows her in typical outfits, which seem perfectly innocuous and professional in theory but d come off as sexy because of her voluptuous body. Should she have tried harder to cover up, or is that just someone else’s problem? Really curious.
One of my coworkers at a newspaper was very tall and model-thin. She regularly wore skirts that hit several inches above the knee, with dark tights. On my moderately curvy frame, I feel that they would look completely unprofessional (even at a paper, where the bar for professional dress is not high), but she looked just fine.
There are some very helpful comments here, and I appreciate all of the wisdom. If you are getting regular comments on your work attire, why not just go to your immediate supervisor and ask about the office dress code or culture? It seems like this should be discussed when an employee is hired. That would be a simple way to remove all doubts about the appropriateness of one’s dress. Women can be so cruel to one another. Staff who are regularly “hating” on other staff members, be it about their clothes or anything else, are creating a “hostile work environment” and need to be reprimanded (and grow up!). I have to admit, I too cannot help but blurt out what a great deal I got on an outfit that I get a compliment on it. It’s a compulsion. LOL
This used to happen to me when I worked at a DA’s office. A new female supervisor was transitioned in and was always commenting on what I was wearing. They were prima facie nice… but I had a weird feeling about them. Over a few months she became more snarky in other ways and was certainly treating me differently than my other team members in terms of work load and scheduling. I just sucked it up and dealt with it, but ultimately she ended up lying to management and obtaining approval to fire me. I guess I should have said something, but that seems like it could have resulted in a bad situation too… who knows what lesson I learned there. My work was more than good, I won the majority of my cases, my other supervisors loved me (and were not notified of my impending firing)… so I think this was an instance where I should have been more sensitive and perhaps DONE something about it. Hindsight…
I was in court on a daily basis, so I wore suits – primarily Theory (I used to live near a theory outlet store). I am tall and thin and most would regard me as attractive. My shirts were not too low cut and nothing was flashy but everything fit well and I did wear heels that corporette would not approve of… though several ladies in the office wore heels well over 2 inches.
I’ll continue to wear heels, because I don’t feel like hemming my pants.
What ever happened to dressing for the job you want, not the job you have? I work in a corporate environment and there are two groups of women: those that are frumps and those that are ultra professional. Our CEO and President are both women with expensive taste–they look excellent, in well tailored pieces, sometimes in unusual colors. I dress like I could be called into present to our leadership team or a client at any moment, which happens from time to time. I would rather say a polite thank you to back-handed compliments about dressing too nice/formal than I would have to apologize to a superior for looking to frumpy/casual in an important meeting.
When I left a former job as a government attorney, they had a little going away party for me. My boss (a woman) said to a group of 40 people “we will miss you so much…and of course, all of your outfits!” I think it was meant to be nice, but it still stings that she didn’t say they’d miss all the great legal work I did, just my clothes.
I’m a blunt, straight-to-the-point, kind of woman. Tell me if you think I’m dressed inappropriately.