Coffee Break: Bedford Tassel Shoulder Bag

Michael Michael Kors Bedford Tassel Shoulder BagOoh, pretty. I’m loving this bright, happy green bag with a nice textured leather. It looks fun, and springy, and if you don’t already own a bag this color, you’ll be shocked at how versatile it is. The bag was $298, but is now marked to $199 at Nordstrom. Michael Michael Kors Bedford Tassel Shoulder Bag

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Comments

  1. TJ: There was someone a few weeks/months ago who mentioned they don’t consume dairy, flour, meat, sugar, or dairy during the week. I’m curious if anyone else has ever eliminated these items from their diet before and how did you go about doing it? I’m noticing that I am having a lot of spikes in energy and then I crash HARD about 1 hour after I eat. I’ve given up caffeine, so I’m wondering I’m thinking of trying to change my diet (aka whatever I want) to see if the crash and burn, can’t keep my eyes feeling goes away. Have no clue where to start…

    • I have eliminated dairy and most refined sugars from my diet. Dairy was easy as I’m lactose intolerant. I gave up sugar because I realized it was a migraine trigger for me. The first few weeks were hard but now I’m used to it–going on 4 years now. I find that not allowing myself to have any candy, cookies, etc. is easier than allowing myself a little. In addition, I also found that my tastes have changed and I don’t crave sugar. Cutting back on sugar has definitely helped with mood swings, weight (although I was not trying to lose weight) and my skin (it is clearer). I do allow myself to have fruit and I find that that does not trigger migraines for me. I also eat minimal meat. I still eat flour but try to eat whole grain/high fiber items when I do. I would start with just cutting back on sugar and seeing how that makes you feel.

      • This is also part of it; I’ve been getting terrible headaches. Do you mind me asking, have you cut out sugar in all areas (crackers, salad dressing, etc) or just “sweets”? I’ve started looking how many things have sugar in them and it’s a bit overwhelming.

        • Mainly sweets but I do read labels and try not get sugary dressing and so on. It’s difficult because my job requires me to eat out often. The folks in my office know I don’t eat sugar so that’s nice. I also find having enough protein in a meal keeps me from crashing.

          • I will add that cutting out the dairy and sugar not only made a difference in migraines but “regular” headaches as well. No doctor suggested I do this. My sister reads a lot about nutrition and she’s the one that recommended I try it.

        • Anonymous :

          Have you been to the eye doctor recently? A new glasses prescription took my headaches away.

          • Anonymous :

            Yes! Good suggestion. I rolled out most major medical issues as a result of a few other conditions that I have. Basically my doctor said that were at the point where any neurologist is going to suggest eliminating foods before putting me on new/additional medication. Most of the things suggested relate to sugar and dairy.

        • garlic/onions :

          I started having this in my late thirties…turns out I had a IgG mediated food allergy to garlic/onions (alliums) that triggered these symptoms. Garlic/Onions were the foundation of my diet, so cutting them out has been really. really. hard. But if I eat them, I get a terrible headache (as well as some other symptoms) that can last a couple of days.

    • I don’t eat dairy or meat during the week. I just realized I don’t eat flour or much sugar either. I eat pretty close to the same thing every day so it makes it easy, but you could easily sub in other meals to meet your preferences. I make 8-10 servings of quinoa on Sundays and then eat the following: breakfast: two whole eggs scrambled with almond milk, 1/3 avocado, 1 roma tomato and 8 oz. coffee with 8 oz. almond milk; mid morning snack: fruit; lunch: quinoa with veggies and salsa/hummus/home made dressing; afternoon snack: an orange and low-sodium mixed nuts; dinner: quinoa again. If I’m still hungry I will eat vegetables and hummus or mixed nuts. I have plenty of energy and I don’t get hungry (although it took a few days to get used to the smaller portions to get rid of the hunger pangs). The two biggest changes I noticed with getting rid of dairy and meat is my stomach is SO much better (I just had general upset and gas before – sorry if that is TMI). I also was apparently really bloated because, despite not really losing any weight, I had to take my engagement ring in and have it resized because it was huge! The other big change is that meals are SO easy now. I am never tempted to eat crap when I get home from work (I used to binge as soon as I got home) or pick up unhealthy food on the way home because I know my meal is ready to go in the fridge and only requires maybe 3 minutes of prep work. I leave the quinoa plain and put in whatever I am in the mood for right before I eat it.

      • I would love to know your “recipes” for the quinoa dishes… I was recently diagnosed with an AI disease and am looking into cutting out sugar/etc. I am already a vegetarian and love quinoa but I could use some simple recipes to have “ready” as you describe. Thank you!

    • You should talk to your doctor. If it’s blood sugar related you could try a low-GI diet, but there isn’t necessarily a point in removing all of those things from your diet unless you have a real issue with them.

      • Fair enough. I don’t think I could give up any one category permanently. I’m just wondering if people who have cut out some things really notice that much of a difference in how they feel in terms of energy and digestion. I get poked and prodded a lot already, so if I can will up the willpower to try to cut something from my diet, I would prefer that to another test.

        • You could try an elimination diet if you’re concerned about allergies. The energy crashing does sound like it’s more likely to be blood sugar-related rather than allergy-related, though, and it would be a good idea to get it tested or look at your past medical history to make sure you haven’t developed a new medical condition. It could also maybe be a side affect of one of your existing medical conditions or a side effect of medicine – since it seems like you’re already at the doctor a lot, it would be good information to share so that it’s part of your medical history.

        • Anon in NYC :

          I eliminated most dairy products (specifically, milk) from my diet and noticed a reduction in bloating. I’m not lactose intolerant, but I think I have a mild allergy. I still eat cheese from time to time, but I am careful not to overindulge because it wreaks havoc on my digestive system.

          The more sugar you eat, the more you’ll crave it. If you’re experiencing energy slumps like that, I’d try reducing your sugar/bread intake. I try to get most of my carbs from things like fruit or 1/2 cup portions of quinoa/wheatberries/farro/brown rice at breakfast and lunch. I try to avoid carbs at dinner. This was and still is really hard for me because I love bread and pasta (and I ate both pita and dessert last night), but I find that when I eat more of a reduced carb diet I have more consistent energy throughout the day.

          • Lactose intolerance :

            That is the definition of lactose intolerance. You don’t have a mild allergy you have mild lactose intolerance.

          • Clementine :

            This. Also, different items have different amounts of lactose in them.

            Lower in lactose or lactose free items: yogurt, aged cheeses, kefir

            High in lactose: sour cream, cream cheese, ‘fresh’ cheeses, milk

            Lactose intolerance is extremely, extremely common, can develop over time and can be anywhere from mild to severe. Allergies are much less common and generally associa

          • Clementine :

            (accidentally pressed sent on prior post)

            associated with a different set of side effects. An allergy will show up on a test, lactose intolerance may not.

        • BankrAtty :

          Keep a food journal and record your headaches, stomach issues, energy levels, etc. in it as well. It may be a helpful diagnostic tool for your doctor.

      • Agree about talking to your dr, and considering a diet for low blood sugar. I strictly do not eat gluten because of my husband (avoiding cross contamination as well as direct ingredients) but when I do go off the wagon for periods of time, my body can’t tell the difference. I do, however, find that I am sensitive to sugar and need multiple small meals plus adequate protein in my diet. For me, adequate protein = meat consumption.

    • Daydreamer :

      I think the key to success on this is not doing everything all at once- which is really overwhelming. You should try a few changes at a time, and go from there.

      I”ve been working on this slowly- I am already vegetarian (vegan at home, dairy/eggs when at restaurants), and I recently introducted a rule of “no refined sugar” before 6pm- so breakfast is usually a green smoothie, lunch is a salad or soup that I’ve made at home, and my snacks are cut vegetables and nuts. I think my goal is to end up at no refined sugar except at restaurants. Once that happens, I’ll tackle flour.

      I usually find myself unable to stick to my preferred eating habits if I haven’t eaten enough good fats- nuts, avocado, coconut, etc. I think that the good fats somehow dull cravings, and stave off the crashes.

    • CapHillAnon :

      It sounds like you’ll have to eliminate one thing at a time to figure it out. If I were you, I’d start by eliminating gluten. Gluten causes me to have headaches. I stopped eating gluten 8 years ago, and no more headaches for me. I’m vegetarian, love dairy, love sugar (although I don’t eat a lot of junk sugar, mostly dark chocolate). But each body is different. Good luck.

    • It’s not clear to me what health issue you are trying to solve. While there are certainly exceptions, lactose intolerance tends to cause digestive issues. Anyone who eats too much sugar can suffer from energy swings. Gluten sensitivity is much rarer than modern trends would have you believe – the reason most people who don’t actually have celiac say they feel better on a gluten free diet is because they are replacing nutrient-deficient glutenous foods (crackers, white bread, cookies, etc) with more nutrient-rich foods, like fruit and snacks made with nutrient-rich flours (quinoa, chickpea and the like).

      Anyway, I’d start with the obvious eliminations first – if you have digestive problems after consuming dairy, nix that. You’ll know very soon if it worked or not. If you’re having blood sugar swings, there’s no need to cut out sugar entirely to start – start by switching to a more protein-heavy lunch and see how you feel after a few days. If none of these work, then start taking gradually more drastic steps, like trying out a gluten-free diet, or cutting sugar completely. There’s really no need to react in extremes though when, very likely, more conservative steps may solve the problem.

      • Yeah, I agree with a lot

        • Agree with a lot of this. I eat mostly paleo/primal 80% of the time because I just feel better that way. I’ve cut out a lot of processed food. It’s made a huge difference in my energy levels and moods. If I want bread or pasta or lots of dairy, I’ll have it. The occasional choice doesn’t bother me. But if I am not craving something in particular, I feel much better if I choose a salad with chicken and avocado over a sandwich with the same ingredients. It took several months of being really aware of what I was eating for that to become a habit. The benefits came on much faster, so that motivated me.

  2. Orangerie :

    New York TJ: BF and I are spending 5 days in NYC mid-May and would love some restaurant recommendations for lunch and dinner. No real preference on atmosphere other than not overly stuffy/formal.

    Open to pretty much all types of cuisine, but we’re both meat-eaters so not looking for anything exclusively/heavily vegetarian. Staying at the Smyth TriBeCa but plan to spend most of our time in SoHo, Chelsea, and the Meatpacking District.

    Thanks!

    • I tried Bobby Flay’s new restaurant Gato, and I have to say it was outstanding. He was also in the kitchen. You might be able to get a reservation at an odd time since it’s exactly a month from now. It’s at Broadway/Lafay*tte. If you go, get the octopus.

      I love, love The Place in the West Village. It’s romantic and their food is really good, and it’s reasonably priced for a nice restaurant. Alta is a great tapas place.

    • Neta is a nice, casual-ish place for great sushi/Japanese food. Their sushi chefs are super friendly if you sit at the counter.

    • –Les Halles at 15 John Street — you won’t see Anthony Bourdain, but the $20 steak frites is very tasty

      –Galanga (Thai) at West 4th Street and 6th Avenue — my personal favorite Thai in Manhattan

    • I want to go back to New York soon just to eat at ABC Kitchen again.

    • Right near your hotel: Kitchenette for Breakfast/Lunch/Brunch; Zucker’s Bagels; Blue Spoon (good little coffee/breakfast/lunch option); Sole de Capri for lunch/dinner — tiny and unassuming but AMAZING real Italian; Ward III for c*cktails.

      Other: Make sure you go to the Chelsea Market, esp. check out Los Tacos for lunch. Have a picnic on the High Line if the weather is nice.

      You would also be missing out on a “NY experience” if you didn’t try to go Rubirosa for pizza (or John’s or Motorino or walk across the BK bridge to Grimaldi’s – just be prepared for lines) and somewhere in Chinatown (which is walking distance to your hotel) for dim sum.

    • Anon in NYC :

      In Battery Park City (a little south of you), there is a Shake Shack (burgers), and North End Grill (one of my favorite restaurants. Get every egg dish).

      In Greenwich Village, one of my favorite places is Snack Taverna, a small Greek/Mediterranean place. They have a smaller sister restaurant called Snack in Soho.

      In the Chelsea area, you should check out Cookshop.

    • The West Village is my favorite area for restaurants — and my favorite area in NYC in general. Though I do second the recommendation for Gato!

      Some favorites:
      L’Artusi
      Hudson Clearwater
      Yerba Buena Perry
      ACME
      Empellon Taqueria
      Lafayette for brunch
      ABC Cocina
      Buvette

    • My friend and I went to two of Mario Batali’s lower end restaurants – Otto in the Village and Casa Mono near Union Square. Otto is big and fun – pizza and fresh pastas. Casa Mono is tiny but the food is fabulous. We sat at the bar overlooking the kitchen and watched them create these perfect jewels of plates. It’s all small plates and everything was good. We didn’t have reservations for either restaurant and the wait wasn’t horrible.

    • $$$$:
      Ai Fiori (was recommended to me on this site and I loved it – to die for fancy Italian)
      Estiatorio Milos (good fancy Greek, if you’re looking for pre-theater they have a reasonably priced prix fixe)

      $$-$$$
      Scarpetta (fantastic pastas and best bread basket I’ve ever had in a restaurant)
      La Sirene (out of the way location, but wonderful French food at a great price – they have a foie-topped filet for $30something)
      Dos Caminos (I know its a chain, but its great and I always try to visit when in NY – their famous guac is good but I love their plantain empanadas and quesadillas)
      The Little Owl (thought the service was snobby, but really liked the food)
      Paprika (good Italian)
      Dhaba (really good Indian in Curry Hill)

      $
      Shake Shack (great burgers, skip the fries)
      The Meatball Shop (great meatballs and all kinds of sauces and sides, also have ice cream sandwiches)
      Grimaldi’s (in Brooklyn, great Italian-style pizza)

      Dessert/Pastry:
      La Maison du Chocolat (best macarons I’ve had, better than Laduree in my opinion, all have chocolate in some form though so skip if you’re not a chocolate fan)
      Bouchon Bakery
      Sprinkles Cupcakes (its a national chain so skip if you have one near you but they’re my fave cupcakes – IMO way way way better than Crumbs, Magnolia and Buttercup)
      Levain Bakery (a little overrated IMO, but still good – giant, warm cookies)
      City Bakery (best hot chocolate ever, also good choc chip cookies)
      Wafels and Dinges (food truck, amazing chocolate covered waffles)

      • We’re almost food twins! I like Laduree better though.

        I also like Michael White for pastas (Marea, Osteria) and the cupcakes at Empire (haven’t tried the Sprinkles, used to get Magnolia gifted to me when I lived lose by, Venieros for cheesecake,

    • Senior Attorney :

      I loved An Choi on the Lower East Side. Great Vietnamese food, and it’s next door to the Lower East Side Tenement Museum, which is a great place to visit if you are at all interested in history.

    • Orangerie :

      Wow, thanks all! We have both been before so not planning on doing a lot of touristy stuff, just going to eat our way through the city. This list will definitely make that a lot easier :)

      • Late to the party –

        Fatty Crab – West Village – predominantly Malaysian, shishito peppers were so good!
        Momofuku Noodle Bar is worth the wait/hype.
        Salumeria Rosi – Upper West Side – the Pontormo Salad is amazing.
        Nom Wah Tea Parlor for dim sum.

        Have fun!

  3. I love EVERYTHING this color, but especially accessories…. love it!!

  4. Diana Barry :

    Grr. I called Boden to inquire about an order I made about 2 weeks ago for Easter outfits for my kids and they can’t track it for me nor can they tell me that it will or won’t arrive by the end of the week. Argh! So annoying. I will have to go purchase backups now!

    • kjoirishlastname :

      did they at least credit your card back??? That is unacceptable customer service, IMO. Hope you get it figured out.

    • Wow, I am really surprised to hear that! I had an order get delayed in customs or something, and Boden really went above and beyond to find out what had happened. I got my order, albeit delayed but it wasn’t time-sensitive, and they also gave me a $70 credit just to say, “sorry.”

    • anon in tejas :

      I’ve had this issue with boden last time I ordered from them…. the package took approximately 3-4 weeks from order date to come in.

  5. Brown contrast stitching :

    I really like this jacket. I really thought the stitching on it was black. It’s brown. I’m trying to figure out how this will or won’t work. I wear a lot of tan in the spring (all shades). I wear a lot of black shoes (or tan). I have some white and light blue shells that I thought of wearing this with (I guess black is out now). I’m a ruddy skinned brunette, so I’ve always loathed brown. Just let it go, as the song goes, yes? Do not let the prefect be the enemy of the lovely and almost perfect, yes?

    http://www.zara.com/us/en/woman/outerwear/blazers/blazer-with-contrasting-embroidery-c400013p1815526.html

    Thanks!

  6. Anon for this :

    Please tell me this is not normal: A close friend who got married last summer is having a one-year engagement party. Do I have to bring a gift?

    Note: this is after an engagement party, bachelor3tte party, shower and wedding (and gifts for each).

    • Wow. She sounds like quite the bride. If you’re going to go, I wouldn’t bring anything other than what I would bring to a normal party if hosted at someone’s house- a bottle of wine or chocolates.

    • Orangerie :

      Not normal!

    • Diana Barry :

      A what? This is the one year anniversary of what, exactly? I wouldn’t bring anything except wine/whatever you normally bring to people’s houses, as Kathryn says.

    • Surely you meant to type “One year wedding anniversary party”, right? Right? I mean, that would only make her insane, not bats**** crazy. :P

    • I would bring a typical dinner party hostess gift: wine, a nice candle or a succulent in a mason jar (my new favorite!)

    • Why would you stop now? You apparently thought it was appropriate to buy *four* separate gifts for the wedding. That’s nuts. But if you actually did that (I would never!), it’s funny that you draw the line at an anniversary present. No, you don’t have to bring a gift.You never do. Nor does she have to apologize for throwing a party for any reason or no reason. And if this person is still a “close friend” (after somehow forcing you to buy her four gifts leading up to your wedding), why not just give her a friendly nudge that she might be alienating people?

      • I’ve been there. I’m not going to pile on the OP for buying presents for each occasion. I was just in a wedding that slowly went from the lovely engagement party and a great celebration to being a part of a wedding held in the 7th circle of hell and run by Uber-Bridezilla. I, too, bought a shower present (after co-hosting), bachelorette party and wedding present. And I was a bridesmaid. I also barely talk to this “friend.” She hasn’t tried to hold a 1-year anniversary party yet, but that’s because it’s only been 6 months. I won’t put it past her though…

      • YES

    • BankrAtty :

      Any reason for a party is a good reason! We should all celebrate while we can!

      • +1. And stop stressing about the gifting already!! Seriously, it’s just not that big a deal. Bring a bottle of wine, or some flowers or chocolates & please for the love of all that is good can we stop seeing every single party as a gift grab already.

  7. anonannoyed :

    This is low on the list of bad boss qualities, but I find my boss just really irritating/annoying. She’s a perfectly nice person, smart, and capable of doing her job. However, she constantly goes off on wildly dull and long-winded tangents, dresses completely inappropriately for the office (think maxi length sweater dress when everyone is in a suit), and just constantly seems overwhelmed/frazzled. She is not advancing in her career–she’s been at the same level or over a decade, when most people are promoted within 3-5 years–and I suspect it is in part because of her annoying personality. Coworkers actually roll their eyes while on calls with her! I feel sympathetic toward her, but at the same time I dread talking to her and always end up feeling agitated. For intance, she gets really excited about something kind of objectively dull (a dentist appt) and I sort of have to act thrilled while she talks about it for an hour.

    Any advice for dealing with this? I’m looking more for ways to feel less irritated than to change her behavior. I do worry, however, how I will ever be promoted if she stay exactly where she is.

    • I sympathize with you, but the only thing I think you can do to “feel less irritated” is to just accept that she has this personality, that you can’t change it (nor is it your business to), and that she it’s not worth becoming irritated about, especially when she’s otherwise nice, smart, and capable. I think it’s just a fact of life that we have to be around people who rub us the wrong the way, and that’s not a problem to be solved; it just is. On the other hand, to the extent that she drones on and wastes your time with long stories, I do think it’s appropriate to say something along the lines of “I’m in the middle of something; do you mind if we chat another time?”

    • Yay! Coffee Break! And I love Michael Kor’s, tho the color, I would perfer leather in Brown, Kat! As for the OP, I think you have to just grin and bare it. The Poor woman does NOT get enough attention so she tell’s you dumb storie’s. FOOEY, but it is ONLEY at work so you can go home to someone who care’s. That is my goal. To find a MAN who care’s enough to listen to my storie’s and to do what I need for him to do for me when I need thing’s for him to do for me. So far, that has NOT hapened. Men are interested, but onley as long as they can have what they want, which 9 time’s out of 10 is to have sex with me, which is NOT what I want from men who I don’t even know. DOUBEL FOOEY b/c men who I do NOT know could be carrying some kind of sexeual disease’s b/c they have picked up from OTHER women who are loose sexueally. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      I have decided to meet this guy Myrna know’s from work who is a littel nerdy, but is interested in haveing children. He make’s alot of money doeing programming, so he is NOT the most personaabel, but he told Myrna when he saw me last Summer that he HAD to meet me! YAY! Dad told me no man would be interested in me as long as my tuchus is to big, but at least this guy, Hal, is interested in me. “Take me, take my tuchus,”mom says. YAY!!!!!

    • Baconpancakes :

      The worry for me, which might be a subconscious part of your irritation, is that being associated with someone without career advancement might slow your own. I’d make friends with some of the other bosses, and maybe jump ship if you see an opportunity elsewhere in the company.

      • Diana Barry :

        +1 to both of these comments. Have people been promoted above her, leapfrogging her position? Or is being stuck in her group kind of a dead end?

        I would say that if she tends to go on and on, she may be lonely – doesn’t keep it from being irritating though.

    • anonforthis :

      Uhh, yeah. “dresses inappropriately” Photo taken of me, a coworker and my boss at the groundbreaking of a new restaurant in town: I am wearing flats, skinny jeans, cardi, embellished shirt & jewelry (perfectly appropriate for my office); male coworker is wearing khakis & a plaid button-down; boss is in dumpy jeans & an american-flag t-shirt.

      Not only that, but her office is a mess. I kid you not, there is barely a path through the piles of sh!t stacked up. Her desk, a fullsize desk, has barely enough room visible for her keyboard and mouse. It is an atrocity. I just want to go in there with a blow torch and burn everything.

      • Anonymous :

        There’s a ton of contempt coming across here. If it’s as you say, you’ll be able to be promoted “around” her like others have, right?

    • I have never been totally enamored by any of my bosses (and some of them have had very annoying traits similar to your boss) and for a while, I wondered when I would catch a lucky break and finally get a mentor I could respect and emulate. Recently I realized that… sometimes it’s not about what I can get from a situation, it’s about what I can give. Maybe it’s not about what your boss can do for you. Maybe, instead, you can give something to her or to the department that is really needed right now, whether it is your unique project management skills, your calm, kind demeanor, or your ability to build rapport with others.

      Switching to that perspective can give you meaning in your situation right now, instead of just getting stuck and focusing on the lack you perceive. In other words, try to shine here, despite the circumstances. Try to make it better. You aren’t her, and you can excel because of what you bring to the table. She does not have to define your experience there.

      • Wow, this is a really thoughtful response to this dilemma. Everyone has been in your situation, including myself, and I’ve never thought of it in this way before now.

    • I would be interested to know where I can get a maxi length sweater dress. It’s, uh, for a friend.

  8. Retirement party etiquette– A close family friend is having a retirement party at a restaurant. Each guest has to pay $40 to attend and we get our choice of meal. Does this situation call for a gift? If so, how big of a gift? I will be attending with my mother (so does that affect the size of the gift?). Thanks in advance for any opinions!

    • Considering that this person is making people who attend her retirement party pay their own way, I think that etiquette has already gone out the window…

    • Orangerie :

      If you have to pay for your food, it’s not a party, it’s a restaurant. So… no gift.

    • Clementine :

      Regarding someone making people who attend her retiremtn party pay, in my area it’s pretty common to throw retirement parties and invite lots of coworkers/former professional contacts/family/friends/etc. and get a set rate to participate.

      I’ve been to them and they generally fall in the 25-50 range, so this seems normal to me. If it were me, I would give a small tolkein gift. A big hit of a gift that I gave was a magazine subscription to Martha Stewart Living in a tote bag with ‘pool supplies’ for a coworker who stated her plans were to ‘finally get some time by the pool’ once she retired.

      • Anonattorney :

        A “tolkien” gift! Like, a nice leather-bound set of the Lord of the Rings?

        Sorry, it was just too good. I also agree with your advice, by the way. I think if you want to go, you go and pay, and you show up with a funny token or gag gift to commemorate the retirement.

    • Okay, thank you for the opinions. This seems like the situation described by Clementine and Anonattorney. It seems like a big event being put together not by the actual retiree, but a co-worker or someone who I am not familiar with. I definitely don’t think the retiree is any sort of retiree equivalent to a bridezilla. She is one of the sweetest people I know and is a retiring from many years as a public elementary school teacher, so I was definitely not offended about paying to attend. But the paying part is what made me wonder about whether this was a gift-giving occasion. Anyhow, thanks again for the advice!

      • hoola hoopa :

        Retirement parties are typically gift-giving occasions although the gift can range from an inside joke gag gift, something small and relevant (ie, bath salts to relax or a travel guide if she has a trip planned), a lux group gift, or a thoughtful message in a card.

    • No need for a gift. For someone in public service (esp law enforcement and similar fields), going away parties are pay your own way to avoid the appearance of corruption. Still, they may allow for a small contribution to a group gift. If not, don’t feel like you have to get something. Paying for the meal and attending are gift enough.

    • Why do you have to pay to attend the party? That is weird. The retiree should pay.

  9. Anonymous :

    For those of you who came from dysfunctional families, how did that imact your decision whether to have children?

    • All families are dysfunctional. Can you be more specific? (Addictions? abuse? just lots of fighting?)

      • Anonymous :

        Lots of fighting, workaholics, spousal abuse, emotional manipulation, critical and judgmental parenting, no addictions or drinking (if that makes a difference)

        • Anonattorney :

          Those factors, which are present in my family, had no effect on my decision whether to have children. I’m aware of my parents’ successes and mistakes as parents, and I’ve identified which of their personality traits I believe I’m susceptible to repeating. But, my husband and I are not my parents. I don’t say it to be flippant, but honestly, I’ve never ever thought twice about having kids, even though I would classify my family as dysfunctional.

    • I’m only 25 so nothing’s set, but seeing how easily my father screwed my brother and I up, I don’t plan to have children. Clearly this isn’t the only reason, but growing up with an abusive parent has certainly proven to me just how important it is to be a good parent, which is something I’m not sure I can/want to do.

    • NWanalyst :

      It had a huge effect. I’ve chosen to put my energies in other areas than children. One of the most satisfying things about that choice is the knowledge that there’s no way my family could hurt a child of mine. Better yet, I don’t have to worry that *I’ll* inadvertently do unto my child what was done unto me. I’m not perfect, and I know that abuse victims are all too likely to become abusive themselves. That’s a risk that I decided not to take, and my life is pretty darn fulfilling at this point.

    • My family was dysfunctional in its own way–father was an alcoholic who eventually left my mother and three children for a much younger woman, my mother was in major depression for all of my teenage years. I did most of the caretaking for my younger siblings and eventually we all moved away and went to college and law/grad schools. I always knew I wanted to have children and did not want my experience growing up to somehow take that away from me. I was very selective when choosing a husband though. The major qualities I wanted was loyalty and willingness to be an active participant in parenting. Now three children and ten years of marriage later, I can gladly say I made a good choice. I am a much different parent than my parents and I am now grateful for that experience that I had growing up because it helps inform my own parenting now.

    • amberwitch :

      It played a large part in my decision not to have children when I was young. Later other reasons joined in, but the first reason was very much related to my dysfunctional upbringing. I didn’t want anyone else to experience the childhood I had, and I didn’t think I would be a good parent. Haven’t ever regretted the decision, and it is about to become permanent.

      And for what it is worth, my dysfunctional family was very much on the benign side.

    • SoCalAtty :

      Huge. I’m very hesitant about having children because I feel like I was in charge of caring for my mom, and I basically did raise my younger brother. I just don’t know if I can be responsible for another human being for another 18+ years. Isn’t that awful?

      • It’s absolutely not awful. Your reservations are very understandable and I think the fact that you are taking them into consideration in deciding whether or not to bring another human into the world shows that you are are responsible and compassionate. Kids are not for everyone and it does not make you selfish if you decide not to have them (or if you decide to have them). The only selfish decision is to have kids you don’t want and won’t take care of, and that is precisely what you are not doing.

    • Joanna Toews :

      Mr. Toews and his sister, whose mother was/is emotionally and physically abusive, both wanted to have kids in part so they could raise children in an abuse-free household.

      • hoola hoopa :

        True for Mr Hoopa and his siblings, too. They are amazing parents.

      • True also for my dad. (Glad he made the decision to have kids!) As I’ve gotten older and discovered what my father’s childhood was really like, my respect for him has grown immensely thinking of how differently he parented my siblings and I from the example he had as a kid. I’m proud of him every day for breaking that cycle and giving my siblings and I the gift of a loving, supportive household to grow up in.

    • I am very apprehensive about kids just because they ruin relationships, and I am very happy with my SO I don’t want to jeopardize that. My parents weren’t awful, but they definitely had problems and screwed my me and my brother up. Plus kids are expensive and I don’t deal well with the stress of finances.

      • Silvercurls :

        Totally supportive of your decision! It’s one of the _wonderful_ aspects of being born into our time and place (industrialized, good medicine, respect for women as educated, thinking people able to make their own reproductive choices). I cannot imagine a life in which adulthood means having–and caring for–however many babies the universe decides to send me–and I am so, so grateful not to have had to mother more children than I thought possible. (That happened in”the old days.” In some parts of the world it still happens.)

        That said, I don’t want people who haven’t yet decided about having kids to be scared off by your opening comment that “kids…ruin relationships.” There are certainly episodes or seasons during which your time is no longer 100% your own (or even 1% your own, sometimes) but–usually– becoming a parent does not mean forever renouncing all privacy, adult conversation, sex life, socializing, being healthy, looking semi-well-put-together, or even just spending 10 minutes catching up on the news. Yes, we’re vulnerable to continuing our parents’ mistakes, or creating our own, and there are disasters, accidents, disabilities and other terrible circumstances that box people into a period or a life of caregiving, stress, poverty, exhaustion. However, there are also consolations and moments of tremendous joy or pride or both. It’s satisfying to rise to the occasion and nurture one’s kid(s).

        Signing off now b/c I’m starting to spout cliches. TL;DR: Have kids or not; rejoice that we have the ability to choose but also do your best to make this choice as a selection between two positives, not as a gasp-hold-onto-your-identity-and-run-like-h*ll-from-a-terrible-option kind of decision.

  10. Pearls advice? :

    I’ve never owned pearls (or much “nice” jewelry, for that matter), but I’d like something (necklace and stud earrings) for interviews and other dressy events. Someone posted the other day about an Etsy shop, PearlsStory, that does affordable freshwater pearl designs. I love the many variations on “classic” that I recognize but I’m overwhelmed by all the options! I had never thought about pearl diameter… 8mm? 10mm? does this matter for necklaces or earrings? Is there a “classic” diameter? I usually dress on the “business” side of business casual, and I think the picture in my head involves wearing them over a sheath dress, or inside the open collar of a button-front shirt. The strand length seems to vary, and I am dimly aware that longer necklaces can be doubled up… is it normal to have a longer strand that you double, or do I want a shorter (single or multiple) necklace if I’m planning to always wear at above-cleavage length? What would be the most versatile piece to start with?

    I’m not sure if all these questions are relevant. Bottom line is that I’m clueless, and if any of you lovely ladies wish to take the time to school me in the art of wearing pearls, I would be deeply flattered. :)

    • I’m in moderation for using the name of this site

      http://NAMEOFTHISSITE.com/2013/10/31/pearl-guide/

    • If you want versatile and are planning on wearing sort of collar-bone level, I’d just get a single strand. 16 or 18″, probably. I think you can pretty much wear a single strand pearl necklace with anything.

    • I think the traditional standard would probably be a 16″ or 18″ necklace of non-graduated 7 mm pearls and studs of the same size and color. I have two sets that I wear all the time. Each set is 16″ (I am small, and I like them up near my neckline) non-graduated and a pair of studs. One set is black pearls 9 mm. The other is white pearls 8 mm.

      I’d recommend trying on all the combinations:

      white/black
      graduated/non-graduated
      16″/18″/longer — bring a few different neckline styles that you wear frequently
      studs (most are plain, some have two or three pearls, some have a small diamond also).

      FWIW, I had a set that was 7mm for years, but when I was about 40 I decided that they were not big enough. I am 5’3″ and a size 4, for context only (please no comments about body image). This, with my engagement ring, is all I wear, so I wanted them to be significant to stand alone.

      I would also seriously consider Mallorcas. They are fake (if you slide them against your teeth, they are smooth, not gritty), but they are very good quality. Very luminous and heavy, so they hang nicely.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I completely agree that the 7mm pearls that look lovely on a young woman start to feel inappropriate as one gets older. I am 55 and my current faves are a set of fake 10mms.

      • Pearls advice? :

        Thank you for this wonderfully detailed response! I’m 5’10” and a size 8/10, so that did make me wonder if a slightly larger diameter would be more flattering. I’ve recently begun to notice that the very small earrings I’ve historically preferred seem less flattering than a slightly larger size.

        Based on what you’ve said, I think a single 18″ strand of 9 mm white pearls might be just what I’m looking for…

    • Read ” passage des perles”…. Pearl posts. Then go to pearl paradise.com and see what you like.

  11. I am looking for a new bag to replace the large Le Pliage I’ve been using as a diaper bag for the last couple of years. I have loved le pliage because it’s lightweight and waterproof, but the zipper is broken and I need something bigger. My only real constraints are lightweight and waterproof, bigger than the large le pliage, and decent-looking enough that I’m not embarrassed to use it! Any thoughts?

    • MZ Wallace “Kate”

    • Timbuk2 tote bags in the largest size. Water proof and bullet proof.

      • Thanks! I actually had a Timbuk2 tote before le pliage, but it was too small, heavy and the straps were too short. I looked at the website and I think they’ve updated their design since then! I will definitely check it out – love Timbuk2 for messenger bags.

    • Anonymous :

      *Cue Lo&Sons haters* In all seriousness, the OG fits what you’re looking for, and if you plan to continue using it as a diaper bag, the separate “shoe” compartment seems like it would be useful. It’s not as light as the pliage because the straps are heavier, but overall it’s still pretty lightweight.

      • I actually have a black OG for work and it has worked really well as a kid stuff carry on from time to time. A different color OG could be fun for baby stuff!

    • Longchamp will fix it for free, fyi.

      • Anonymous :

        How are you doing?

      • Second the above inquiry. Been thinkin’ of ya.

        • Amelia Earhart :

          I’ve also been thinking of you.

          • Thanks, all. A weekend at my parents’ helped and I’m doing much better. Nothing IRL is as scary as the comments here can be!

          • Oh give me a break. I’m so glad you can be flippant while jeopardizing a baby’s life.

          • Silvercurls :

            Gentle remonstration to Cassie: I’m not sure this is the best way to share your concern about preg 3L & her child. (Full disclosure: I’ve never been in a relationship that was so scary bad that I felt I had. to. GET. OUT. NOW. but as per what I’ve read on this site it’s not always easy to up and GO. NOW.)

            People are complicated. So is life. If all it took to get through life was being rational…?! I would have lost my extra 15 pounds long before they turned into my excess 20 pounds*. And all of us would go to bed on time, exercise regularly and effectively, manage our money flawlessly and never, ever, ever be late for anything. (*No worries: Motivation is for preventing health problems later. No eating or body self-image disorders for me. Not judging for others.) Like I said, life is complicated. And difficult.

          • Silvercurls, I love you. Your posts are always so reasoned and compassionate.

      • Coach Laura :

        Thinking of you too, Preg 3L

      • PinkKeyboard :

        I’m glad you’re feeling better! Cassie, that was cruel and unhelpful. We’ve all shared opinions with her and berating her won’t help the situation.

  12. Friendship TJ :

    Is it possible to be friends with someone who really hurt you (and I really hurt her) and just get over the mutual hurt and it’s water under the bridge? I don’t really want to rehash the whole fight because I know that neither of us is going to change our position, even if we admit that we hurt the other, and its just going to cause more angst, but I really miss having her as a friend and I’ve missed her in my life. Is the desire to be friends and get past it enough to make it work?

    • It depends on how she feels, of course, but yes, based on my experience I think it’s possible. How much time has passed? I had mutual hurt with a close friend and we both kept our distance for almost a year. I was the one to get in touch and say exactly what you’ve written–I really missed having her as a friend and missed her in my life. She felt the same way and we started up a friendship again. Our relationship wasn’t the same, and I won’t say our lunch dates weren’t a little awkward at first, but we’ve figured out a new normal and I’m very happy to have her back in my life. We aren’t quite the people we were or in the same stage of our lives. I don’t think a fairly significant time apart is necessarily key, but it helped.

      Anyway, ultimately, there just aren’t too many instances when it’s a bad idea to let someone know that you care about them. I think you should reach out. Maybe she won’t be ready, maybe she will be, but either way she’ll know how you feel.

    • Oops–just read downthread and saw your repost/other replies. Sorry if my advice was redundant!

  13. Friendship TJ :

    Moderation and not sure why:

    Is it possible to be friends with someone who really hurt you (and I really hurt her) and just get over the mutual hurt and have it be water under the bridge? I don’t really want to rehash the whole fight because I know that neither of us is going to change our position (even if we admit that we hurt the other) and its just going to cause more angst, but I really miss having her as a friend and I’ve missed her in my life. Is the desire to be friends and get past it ever enough to make it work without any resentment after?

    • Silvercurls :

      Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes the act of speaking our own truth collides too painfully with the truth as perceived by someone else, or vice versa. I’m sorry.

  14. College Board :

    An attorney in our firm serves as general counsel to a private university in our state, and because he is out of the country this year on (a more important client’s?) other business, I will be attending the annual board of trustees two-day meeting. There are four meeting sessions over two days, a lunch, and a social event the evening of the first day. I likely will not be able to change between the meeting and the social event.

    I have been losing weight for about a year steadily and am finally on the verge of size 16, but I’d be very open to official “plus size” clothes as well – I’d rather it fit well and look professional. I am in my late 30’s and talbot’s works well for me.

    What sort of outfits should I wear for this? (Oh – I met with the president of the university last week and as I was leaving she said something to the effect of “see you in two weeks – and please don’t wear one of those stuffy business suits – we do a lot of moving around!”)

    Has anyone ever been to a two-day board meeting/retreat, and what should I wear? I feel like I specifically cannot wear a court suit now.

    • University Counsel :

      Solid color sheath with contrasting jacket?

    • anonymama :

      I haven’t been, but picturing who would be at a University board meeting/retreat, I would guess the men will be in some sort of khakis/polo or oxford shirt/blazer type outfit. I would guess you’d blend in with a sheath dress or pencil skirt and cardigan, or a slightly more casual dress (wrap jersey?) maybe with a blazer. Or pants and a blouse, if you’re a pants person. (and probably flats, if there’s going to be “a lot of moving around.”)

      I love this outfit: http://www.talbots.com/online/browse/category_landing_horizontal.jsp?rootCategory=cat70012&id=cat70012&section=Regular

      • I work in the same building where a lot of schmancy board-meeting stuff happens at my university (upper South, quite conservative, I suppose YMMV), and that outfits looks louder than I’d go. I don’t mean to be condescending here, but I see the associated admin assistants in bright yellow on a daily basis–the board-level women are more likely to be wearing a tasteful, but more subdued, sheath or wrap dress with a contrasting blazer. I would ABSOLUTELY NOT wear any type of jeans, as LizNYC suggested.

    • Congrats on your weight loss!

      Just thinking out loud, since I’ve never been to such a meeting:

      –Structured trouser jeans, stylish flats/low heels, colorful shell with coordinating cardigan, great necklace and jewelry

      –Printed skirt, solid top, low-ish heels, cardigan/blazer for chilly rooms

    • anon prof :

      That’s funny, because a fair number of our female trustees who work wear a suit. That’s what they own, that’s what they wear. Others wear separates. The ones who are not in the labor force wear everything from pants and a twin set to a dress. It is true that it is not a high-heel-wearing crowd at my school. Definitely not a “nice jeans” crowd. The men are mostly in suits, maybe a couple in sports jackets but not usually. Our president is an unusually casual dresser and clueless about that–she’s almost always the least-dressed-up person in the room, and it is noticeable (at least to me).

  15. scheduling kids/etc. :

    Fellow moms/jugglers. I need help. I am feeling TOTALLY overwhelmed trying to keep my schedule, my kids’ schedules, my husband’s schedule (normally not a problem, but he’s been going OOT for work on weekends lately); and our nanny’s schedule together.

    I keep it all in my outlook calendar, so I have access to it all.the.time, but I constantly feel like I am forgetting things. Today has been particularly chaotic as I am trying to determine my work schedule while our nanny will be away; trying to coordinate a babysitter on a Saturday when hubs is OOT, and I have an all-day obligation with a rescue squad multi-jurisdictional drill; and everything else.

    I am just feeling very stressed right now, and trying to figure out how to keep it all together. I have tried using Cozi, but it’s just one more thing that I have to enter, so I often don’t go for it–I just use the iCalendar app from the phone, or my outlook at work.

    I make lists. I make work lists of what to do every day; and I try to do this for big things in my personal life–like my ODS’ birthday party will be in just about a month, I will be starting to make lists for that.

    Anyone have any tried and true tricks? Sympathy? Empathy? Just a vent, but I am just feeling like a one-legged man in an a$$ kicking contest.

    • Diana Barry :

      Sorry, juggling those things is a total PITA when people travel.

      We use google calendar and I put everything on there. DH’s stuff is one color and mine is another one. I don’t have many meetings at work, so I put them into the google calendar too. If I had a ton of work meetings in addition to regular events like rehearsals, conferences, etc., I’m not sure whether that would change things. I just keep the browser window with the calendar open all day from work, and I have the calendar on my phone so I put things there when I make follow-up appts for the kids, etc.

    • Is your husband doing 50% of these things? If not, I’d start there. If he’s going out of town for work, he needs to compensate when he’s in town.

      • scheduling kids/etc. :

        He does a pretty good job, though most of it does fall on me. I am Type A/detail-oriented & a planner (by nature, and by profession), whereas he is big-picture. He takes up a lot of slack when I have evening meetings, and does help out to stay at home when the nanny is out, a lot, as his schedule is more flexible than mine. However, lately, I’ve been enjoying the opportunities to stay home when I can, simply because it is some more time with my kids (and a nap). For example, he is in charge of finding a sitter so we can attend an adult party this Friday.

        I understand that he could be doing more, but for the sake of my own sanity (staying on top of things, knowing the situation), as well as the harmony of our household, I tend to do more of this sort of minutiae.

    • College Board :

      At least you are not alone. I have a giant white board calendar on our dining room wall. I usually say I feel like a one-armed paper hanger, but yes, I know that feeling.

      Have you seen this? At least it will give you a laugh: http://rehtom.net/ – be sure to click ‘learn more’.

    • Doesn’t fix the immediate problem but if hubby is going to be out of town, he should be playing a role/taking the lead in arranging for alternate care when the conflicts are known in advance (eg: he’s OOT and you have the rescue thing).

    • Anonymous :

      Simplify. Routine-ize. Maybe you don’t have time for kids activities/rescue squad at the moment. Take a 6 month hiatus. Get rid of obligations you don’t need (birthday party- if your kid is one or 2, your husband can buy a cake day of, pick up a pizza and be done with it.

    • scheduling kids/etc. :

      these are great suggestions. It ebbs & flows, and unfortunately, I’m in a flow right now. Rescue is our only out-of-work obligation, but it is a big one. It’s all-volunteer, but hubs is the chief, and I am also an officer. It is our one passion, and I have taken breaks from it on and off. My duties don’t span day to day like his do, they’re a little more discrete, in that they can generally be planned-for. I’ve ditched the gym that I had been going to since 2011 simply because I cannot find time (or energy) to go. We really don’t have other “things”

      In no particular order: Family/home; work; rescue; friends. That’s all that either of us does. Fortunately, the friends & family generally overlap as all of our friends have kids our kids’ ages, so it’s a playdate every time we get together to socialize for dinner and such. Much-needed adult time, but the kids play too. We don’t go to church, we don’t host book clubs or anything like that. We don’t really get out except for our immediate circle of friends, and that is only about 1-2x a month.

    • hoola hoopa :

      Use one central calendar that you and husband can reference. We use an old-fashioned wall calendar in the kitchen. Anything that happens outside of work goes on the calendar: child care arrangements, doctor appointments, obligations, etc. It may or may not make sense to include work calendar. We have pretty routine work schedules, so we don’t bother unless there’s something unusual, but it sounds like you need to include his.

      If a kid needs an appointment, we agree on which parent will be responsible for it and they make the appointment based on their availability.

      Making activities as routine as possible really helps. And ditto anonymous to cut back if it’s too much. If you’re stressed over your schedule and can’t keep it straight, then whatever you’re doing is too much.

    • LawyerMomOfFour :

      I completely understand where you’re coming from. We use a fancy color-coded outlook calendar on our home network that my husband loves and I tolerate. The problem is that it is too easy to spend hours and hours inputting all of the info (e.g., at the beginning of the school year), but it becomes out of date and not everything get on it.

      When I get in a panic, I take an hour and draw out the next [week? two weeks? summer?] on a clean sheet of paper using pencil. I put in everyone’s activities and include info on how they are getting there, etc. For some reason it is incredibly calming.

      Good luck, and don’t feel like you should drop all of your family activities. It is easy to feel overwhelmed with two jobs and even minimal activities, but you can do it! And if you miss something (or your kids miss a practice or a lesson) just don’t worry about! Just live your life the best you can. Every day.

  16. Excel question – our helpdesk isn’t answering their phones and I haven’t figured this out with google. Hopeing one of you ladies might know.

    I need to create a column with a series of dates – November 1, 2008; December 1, 2008; January 1, 2009; February 1, 2009 etcetera all the way through today. I can’t figure out how to get Excel to do this and I know their must be a way. Using Excel 2010 – any insights would be much appreciated!

    • Kontraktor :

      Start with 11/1/2008 in your column. Click the cell so it has a black box around it. Mouse over the corner of the cell and drag downwards. A little clipboard should appear when you are done dragging. Click on it and select Fill Months. That should keep the day (1) the same, but advance years and months. Hope that works!

    • Types those four dates in consecutive cells, select all four squares. This should create a thick black outline around all four, with a box on the lower right side. Drag that box down until you reach your end date.

      I heart me some excel.

    • Clementine :

      Start with November 1, 2008 in your column. In the next cell, type in December 1, 2008. Highlight both these cells and a black box should appear around them.

      In the lower righthand corner, there should be a small black box (it’s called something like a jughandle). Click on this and drag down- it should follow the logic of the prior two cells and continue to fill in like you want.

      (I just tried this and it worked.)

      • Weird, that is what I was trying and it was changing the days not the months (IE, Dec 1, Dec 2, Dec 3 instead of Dec 1, Jan 1, Feb 1)….Kontractor’s thing worked but I didn’t really have a clipboard, instead it was some weird tiny symbol that (as it turns out) had two submenus, one of which was the one Kontractor suggested I look at.

        But thank you to everyone who replied and tried to be helpful! It’s really nice of you all to take the time to help.

  17. Anonymous :

    Hive, I am seeking mascara recommendations. I’ve used Diorshow and Laura Mercier Full Blown (or a name close to that with “Blown”) regularly but they both are just too clumpy. Right now I’m trying a Smashbox mascara that goes on smooth but smudges horribly after a few hours.

    My eyelashes fall out easily so they are pretty thin and short (and therefore don’t curl). I’m looking for something that voluminizes and curls, but is not clumpy or irritating to contacts/allergies (prefer unscented for this reason). Also NO waterproof–it takes so much rubbing to get it off that I end up with no eyelashes left. I use black, so variety of shades is not important. Extra points if it’s available at Macy’s where I have a gift card :)

    • I like L’Oreal Voluminous. The Naturale is good for when you want a more subtle effect, the Full Definition goes on thicker. I will sometimes put on a coat of Full Definition, then go over it with the Naturale to separate the lashes better. I wear contacts and have found this to be non-irritating and it comes off fairly easily.

      I started using this because some blog (can’t remember which) made the point that sometimes mascara can weigh down your lashes, especially if they are on the thin side, and this brand was recommended as one that wasn’t as heavy.

    • I have similar issues with sensitive eyes and sparse lashes, and I can only use Clinique mascara. I use their high impact mascara, not waterproof, and I really like it. It looks like they have curling and volume versions, too, but I can’t speak to how well they work.

    • Thanks for the responses! I will check these out.

  18. Would someone please tell my coworkers to STOP pulling things off the printer and bringing them to someone, assuming they know who printed it?? Since over half the time, they guess *wrong* and have to then wander around to everyone’s office trying to figure out who printed it. Why would i print an email I *sent*, why?!

    Plus, I don’t necessarily want to know that you are reading everything I print in detail to figure out who to bring it to. If it’s not yours why is it so hard to just not touch it, leave it on the printer and let the person it belongs to come get it? Just stop.

    • Philanthropy Girl :

      Oh shoot – I accidentally reported you. Sorry! Nothing to report here!

      Very annoying – happened at my old office all the time. At my office we’ve instituted a policy where everything that sits neglected on the printer goes into a tray or cubby. I end up finding other’s things at the bottom of my large stack of whatever I’ve just printed. I just leave it in the tray. That way the printer is always clear, I’m not running around with someone’s stuff, and I don’t even have to look at it. Maybe you could suggest such a policy/procedure for your office?

      • Thing is, there are only like 10 people in this office, and most of us rarely print anything, so the printer never gets that full. Plenty of room to just leave it where it is. Siigghhhhhh…

        But thank you for the commiseration and backup ;o)

    • Anonymous :

      I’m not at all saying this is what you’re doing (I’m more just jumping on the printer vent thread!), but I used to share a printer with a woman who would print entire reams and *never* pick them up. This meant that every time I printed, if my job actually printed, I had to dig through the entire stack to find my first page. I say “if my job actually printed” because usually the printer was out of paper from her many unnecessary print jobs, and because she never visited the printer, I was always the one reloading paper. Then I’d have to wait 5 minutes for her queued jobs to clear before mine printed.

      • +1 This is my office too. I always just throw all the other papers next to the printer but it is annoying to have to dig through and make sure other people’s crap didn’t end up under mine. Some of them will sit there for days.

    • Coach Laura :

      Zora, some printers have a system where you have to put a code in to retrieve your pages. It doesn’t print your batch until you walk there and enter it. Perhaps if you have a newer printer it might have this feature?

      • Oooo, that sounds handy! What will they think of next? ;o)

        Unfortunately, not a solution here. The issue isn’t my print jobs, I usually grab mine right away. It’s more often people bugging me about print jobs that *weren’t* mine. Because they just can’t let go of an opportunity to interrupt me from my work with awkward. And trying to get the whole office to switch to a new system would be DramaSplosionTastic. And a side effect is a squicky feeling that people are taking it upon themselves to read everything that comes off the printer, even though it’s probably rarely my documents that are sitting there.

        • Anonattorney :

          Our system prints a cover page for each person’s print job. The page has your name on it. We just stack leftover print jobs in the copy room with the cover page on top. No need to read through the actual documents.

  19. Friendship TJ :

    Reposting again from moderation 2x (for h@sh, I think?)
    Is it possible to be friends with someone who really hurt you (and I really hurt her) and just get over the mutual hurt and have it be water under the bridge? I don’t really want to go over the whole fight again because I know that neither of us is going to change our position (even if we admit that we hurt the other) and its just going to cause more angst, but I really miss having her as a friend and I’ve missed her in my life. Is the desire to be friends and get past it ever enough to make it work without any resentment after?

    • hoola hoopa :

      Honestly, probably not. But I don’t see that you have anything to lose by trying and there’s always a chance.

    • I think its pretty rare but I’ve seen it happen. I’d just reach out to her and say what you said here – that you don’t want to restart the fight but you miss having her as a friend and want her back in your life. If she responds similarly, I’d give it a go at trying to start from scratch. If she doesn’t seem interested in being friends or tries to dredge up the drama, I’d move on.

    • Philanthropy Girl :

      My best friend and I made it through that. I royally screwed up – big time – and so did she. It takes a LONG time – think years – as you slowly rebuild trust in one another and come to accept each other in light of your disagreement.

      Don’t push it, but be very open about how much you miss her and how you would like to rebuild. I think its far more likely to work if you don’t assume your relationship can eventually be what it was, because the mutual hurt changes things. But working through a deep hurt can really strengthen and deepen your friendship if you’re both willing to work on it.

    • Anonattorney :

      I think it’s hard to get there without some sort of apology. But maybe that’s just me.

    • kjoirishlastname :

      Not sure if it can be reconciled, but my BFF (Sally) went through this with a mutual friend (Jane), and Sally said that the loss of that friendship was like going through a divorce. Jane had been such a powerful force and presence in Sally’s life for years, that whatever transpired between her, Jane and another girl (Mary), totally changed their lives forever.

      Apparently something happened with Mary and Jane, while Sally was kind of roped into it/a part of it just because the trio of them was so strong, such that Jane basically demanded some sort of apology from Mary, though Mary wasn’t quite sure what she was supposed to be apologizing for. They never reconciled, Jane moved many states away, and they don’t speak anymore. I am not as close to Mary, and I was never particularly close to Jane, but seeing Sally go through it was hard for me just because I felt bad that she had lost a friend that she thought was so dear, and genuine.

      Knowing the 3 of them, but even without hearing the stories, I am inclined to think that Mary is just off her rocker and being petulant and immature. But that is neither here nor there.

      I suppose it could happen, but I guess what I’m saying is that, despite the fact that you know you have hurt your friend, and she hurt you, it is totally normal to mourn the loss of that relationship.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I’m not sure. I was on the outs with my erstwhile BFF for months and missed her like crazy. I finally reached out to her and we had an emotional reunion and I’d hoped we could pick up where we left off. But unfortunately it looks like things are definitely not going to be what they were. In fact, at this point I’m not sure things are going to be… anything at all.

      On the other hand, I feel better for having tried, for what that’s worth.

      • Friendship TJ :

        Obviously I’d like everything to go back to square one and we can salvage our relationship, but if that can’t happen, this is what I’m hoping for. Clearly things wont go back to how they were the week before the fight, but I think I’d feel better for trying even if what it ends up as is that we aren’t actively not friends and aren’t actively friends, which is better than where we are now.

    • I am in the middle of just such a reconciliation after two years of estrangement, with almost no contact for one. I don’t think that the friendship will ever be what it was before. It probably shouldn’t be, either. The difference is the level of trust. We still get along fabulously, make each other laugh, share interests, never run out of things to say, and just generally enjoy each other’s company over that of just about anyone else. We also need each other for day-to-day practical support that we just don’t find elsewhere. But I still don’t trust her, and she is definitely not as open with me, either. We have not discussed the cause of the rift in any substantial way. One day I just offered to do a favor I would have done before the rift, opening the door to a mutually-supportive friendship going forward with no reference to the past. I think she feels shame, sadness, betrayal, and a little anger; I feel betrayal and pure rage. I don’t think either of us is willing to address it head on because the emotions are so high. We probably never will. And for that reason, our friendship will probably remain close but not as it was before.

    • I think it can happen, but both would need to be ready to try. I don’t necessarily think that apologies would be needed if you both acknowledge that you know you hurt each other.

      I ascribe to the philosophy of “If I can’t do anything about it now, there’s no use in continuously dredging hurts up by discussing it.” The best advice I ever received in regards to a situation like this was to deal with it, forgive, and “bury it.” Don’t discuss it, if you’re ruminating on it, find something else to distract you, etc. After a while, the pain dulls, you don’t get angry anymore, and the ability to reconcile can come. Not always, but I would say more than you would think.

      I say give it a shot, she may be missing you too. Life’s too short to have what ifs and regrets in friendships. You don’t have anything to lose: you’re already not friends, so if she rebuffs you, you’re in the same position. If she doesn’t though, you have her back as a friend.

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