Weekend Open Thread

Felicity & Coco Vienna Blouson Maxi DressSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

Happy Friday!  This weekend’s casual suggestion: this fun (and affordable) maxi dress from Felicity & Coco.  Love the slit up the side, the low cutout in the back, and the tons of positive reviews from women of all ages.  The dress is $78, and available in sizes XS-XL. Felicity & Coco Vienna Blouson Maxi Dress

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Psst: don’t forget to check out the open thread on CorporetteMoms!

Comments

  1. That is a gorgeous dress.

    On a related note, I saw a woman in my office complex wearing a maxi dress with 3/4 length sleeves. It looked great – fit perfectly, interesting print and neat (as opposed to super flowy/slouchy). Kanye – I’m rethinking my stance on maxi dresses at the office.

  2. ExecAssist :

    Happy weekend all!

    I just read The Confidence Gap. Holy cow that was a good read! Has anyone bought the authors’ book (The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know)? I’m thinking of getting it and wanted to know what others thought of it. TIA!

  3. Senior Attorney :

    I heart this dress so much, but I fear it just wouldn’t look the same on short, busty me.

  4. It really is lovely. I kind of want it. I also kind of need to stop buying all the dresses in the world.

    • I hear you! I was wearing one of my favorite dresses the other day (I have it in floral and black) and one of my colleagues said that it looks so good on me, I should buy it in every color. Yeah, like I need encouragement. And it’s available in a beige paisley, animal print, coral, blue, and polka dot. Not interested in the other prints but I did order the polka dot. Gah! Stop me before I buy more!

      • Do tell… what is your fabulous dress that is available in so many nice options?

        • It’s the wrapped waist dress from Soma. Just go to their website and search for wrapped waist and they’ll all come up. I have it in the folklore floral (which I’m not sure they have anymore?) and black.

          • I have a Nine West dress that’s very similar and it’s a staple in my closet. Thanks for the heads-up; I went ahead and ordered the long sleeved version on sale for $20!

    • I am also buying all the dresses in the world. ideeli had some gorgeous lace dresses for about $40 a piece so I’m awaiting that shipment.. All for ONE wedding I have to attend this summer. I have no other use for these.

  5. I’m 23 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. Honestly, in the most abstract sense, it isn’t something that bothers me: I’m driven and independent and extremely picky when it comes to guys. that being said, I want to try and date- get experience, get better at flirting, learn how to hold a conversation that doesn’t involve a competition to name all the countries in Africa (not that I’ve ever done that…) I’ll be in new york this summer interning; any recommendations on meeting men in the city? I love cycling, and do plan on doing some track cycling at the kissena velodrome. Hoping to sail a bit as well. thanks!

    • I'm an associate :

      Joining a club might be a great way to meet a guy, like you suggested. Alternatively, if it is only an internship, you could try short-term options that could better guarantee you will meet and date guys (Tinder app/ OK Cupid / etc). Going on a few casual dates through those might give you some experience and confidence in the dating world

    • okay cupid

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I’m in NYC and used OK Cupid when I was 28. It worked really well for me. Dating websites vary wildly depending on your age, location, and preferences but OK Cupid is free so definitely give that one a shot.

    • So maybe I’m admitting to something I shouldn’t admit to, but I didn’t have a boyfriend — like a real relationship — til I was 24. My self confidence wasn’t great as a high schooler, I am not conventionally pretty, I went to a women’s college. I didn’t really date casually. I had one boyfriend in med school for 2 years and then met my husband when I was 27 and that was it.

      I tell you this for a few reasons. First, if you are feeling like you’re “not normal” then yeah, maybe you and I are unusual, but there’s other people out there like you. Secondly, I didn’t need to date a ton of people to find my match. My husband and I have been together 8 years, and we are strong and I am so so happy to be where I am.

      If you want to date this summer because you are pushing your boundaries and trying something fun, I say go for it. I definitely look back at missed opportunities when I didn’t put myself out there, and wonder what would have happened if I’d just had a little more courage. On the other hand, if you are feeling you need to do this because you aren’t “normal” then I say do what feels good.

      If I were to do it again, I would do more casual dating, so that I would relax and get over myself. Like okcupid or that kind of thing. But you do you.

      • I was going to write my own post, but EC MD said a lot of what I would want to say, so I am going to co-sign this one.

        I was in your shoes when I was 23, and, well… I’m still in your shoes at 30. Eek, I know – not reassuring, right? But it bothers me less now (a lot less), and I think it’s because finally (and I’m not sure when, but I’d guess between 27 and 30) I got over that sense that I wasn’t “normal” because I hadn’t dated in the conventional sense throughout high school or college. And I noticed that you said it doesn’t bother you in the abstract, so maybe none of this resonates for you at all — and if so, that’s great!

        Online dating did end up helping me, even though I was very reluctant to try it, just because I think it’s fairly low-stakes and therefore good practice. Of course, you can try to meet someone through common interests, too, but I’ve found that to be surprisingly difficult outside of school. Have fun!

      • +1 I didn’t have my first kiss until 18 and first boyfriend until 22 and we’ve been together for over 2 years now. I actually think this is good for you as long as you’re “doing you” in the process. My self confidence really flourished by my senior year of college. Spending a lot of time being independent allowed me to grow and know who I am and what I want in a partner. I also saw all the mistakes my friends were making and those same friends that have been in several relationships for years are still in the same terrible relationships because they haven’t been out on their own learning about themselves.

        That being said you probably don’t even need that advice. Imo as a working professional I don’t know how people do it without online dating or being introduced by a mutual friend. Come to Chicago I know an absurd amount of very eligible bachelors.

      • My sister in law is pushing 30 and never had a boyfriend. No, she isn’t gay. I don’t know if this is normal, but I do think she is a normal person. There isn’t anything wrong or odd about her. Nothing ever really worked out, and I think she is shy.

        • That’s so funny.. when I was 22 and still boyfriendless I had the following conversation w my cousin:
          her: so do you have a boyfriend?
          me: no
          her: are you gay?
          me [taken aback]: no

          i just hope your SIL is happy that’s all that matters.

      • Total wallflower in HS and was still a bit boy-shy in college. I’ve definitely gotten better, and went on a few dates here and there but didn’t have a long term relationship until I was 28. And then we broke up when I was 30 (totally needed to happen, but still hard). Have been on a few dates since then, but I’m kind of meh about it. I’ve got a great group of (single & married) girlfriends and family that make up my social life at that moment, and I’m really enjoying it.

        So OP, you are fine. If you want to casually date, that’s fine. If you don’t want to, that’s fine. If you want to do all the fun things you like and meet some great friends in the process, that’s fine.

      • Another similar story. One summer shortly after college, I was doing an internship in a new place and decided to just be open to casual dating and not worry about where it was going or putting pressure on myself. I had fun, got dating experience, and then at the end of the summer got into a great relationship that I hadn’t really been looking for, and now years later we are married.

        I just figure that some people have multiple serious relationships from the age that is right for them, but that is not what works for everyone and I found what works for me.

      • layered bob :

        yepppp didn’t date at all in high school/college. Wasn’t really interested in dating. Then met my husband. He was my only real relationship, only real kiss. We’ve been together for eight blissful years. If you want to date, great, but don’t think you need “experience.” Work on yourself and your career and building/maintaining relationships with your family and friends – in my experience there is a very low ROI in learning how to “flirt,” especially at the expense of focusing on the people and things in your life that you already love.

    • I have no idea if this speaks to you at all, but here’s why I was in the same boat at 23 in New York. I had lots of guy friends but was terrible at communicating ‘I like you. Ask me out’ and I certainly wasn’t going to ask any guys out, so nothing ever got past flirting and into the dating zone. When I moved to New York for my first job, I signed up for Match. What this did was make it clear from the start of every interaction that I wasn’t looking for a study buddy or a friend or a casual neighborly conversation, but that my intention was that I was looking for someone to date, and just having that out there was HUGE for me. I dated a couple guys (no terrible online dating stories actually), one ended up lasting quite a few years and is now my wonderful husband. For me, at least, it was all about getting over the hump of admitting I was in ‘looking for a date’ mode and with online dating bam! you’re on a date. It might not be the date or the guy for the rest of your life but it gets it all going and then you feel more comfortable in that mode. Hope my mini novel resonates a little!

      • gahhh this is exactly me. I think I tend to put off a “let’s be friends” vibe to most guys. I’m also super picky- it’s really rare that I find someone who seriously captivates my attention. hoping the nyc dating pool will be more to my liking than what I’ve seen in college.

    • Hey, hey! :

      My best advice is to focus on loving the crap out of your day (mental shift, doing what makes you happy as practicable) and spending time in a lot of public places – read at a coffeehouse, gym, etc. I have always enjoyed meeting people in this way, especially in NY. I swear that, whenever I am particularly focused on what I am doing and really in-the-moment and happy, men are quite likely to come talk to me, etc.

      Also: a huge, happy +1 on the name-all-countries-in-Africa game (and South America, and …)! For people like you and me (is we both like these types of games, we must have some similarities), I swear by meeting people in a coffeehouse. I have made numerous friends in this way, too.

    • If it doesn’t bother you, don’t worry about it and just focus on yourself and your job. It’s no big deal. I only dated casually (as in go out on real dates and did not have sex or anything like that) in college and didn’t have a bf until 22. I was really into my career and still is. Seriously, I loved not having to deal with men– esp. while all my gfs were complaining about their relationships. Maybe I’m asexual. Lol.

    • MissDisplaced :

      Maybe try one of those singles activity groups like Events and Adventures that have larger groups go places and do outdoor stuff. Even if you don’t meet anyone special, they sound like fun.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I don’t know if this will be encouraging or not, but I didn’t date in high school and college and didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 22, and I still managed to marry not once but twice since then.

      I do think that sometimes we unconsciously send out signals that say we’re not available for or interested in relationships. I’m single again and am working with Dr. Shrink on changing the invisible sign on my forehead from “Unavailable” to “Accepting Invitations.”

  6. I would like an app that kept track of my debt and payments. Not a budgeting app, just something where I could enter each debt (several school loans and a mortgage) with interest rates and payments, and it would tell me at a glance what was left and how long it would take to finish each one at the rate I’m going. I’m thinking something that I could just enter my payment amount and it would just apply it each month unless I tell it differently, not something that necessarily communicates with the accounts or anything.

    Does that exist? It seems like it should, right?

    • Senior Attorney :

      Yes — search the internet for “snowball debt reduction calculator.”

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      I don’t know about apps, but there are several websites that do this. My one complaint is I haven’t found one that will let you enter multiple loans with different interest rates.

      • Senior Attorney :

        It’s a pay site, but the best calculator of this type that I’ve found is the Rapid Debt Repayment Calculator at http://www.debtproofliving.com. I used it to pay off a mountain of debt many years ago and found it was well worth the money to pay to access the site. You can totally do different loans with different interest rates, and play around with different scenarios for repayment.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I’ve used a couple for the iPhone/iPad. I like both Debt PayoffA and Debt Down. The only downside is that my IBR payments changed and I couldn’t change my monthly payment amounts without losing all the history. Hence the reason I’m using the second one. I like to see my progress.

    • Wildkitten :

      Ready For Zero

    • Ready for Zero! :

      Ready for Zero will do this! It’s quite excellent. And it’s an app.

    • Anonymous :

      I use Mint for this. I link it to my student loan accounts and then set up a “goal” to pay them off. It either gets the interest rate when it downloads the account info or I enter it manually, and then it uses the info to determine when I’ll have the loan paid off based on the minimum payment (or whatever payment amount I enter). It also shows a schedule for the next few months of what my balance will be after each payment. My favorite part of the feature is going into “edit my goal” and playing with the slider to see how adjusting my payment changes the payoff date.

      You can do this by just linking your loan accounts and not any of your other financial accounts, or don’t link up at all and just manually enter the balances and interest rates. The only downside to manually entering is that it won’t capture each month’s payment and use that to adjust the remaining balance while showing your progress to your goal. Still achieves the payoff date calculation though if you keep manually adjusting the balance.

  7. applesandcheddar :

    Gorgeous dress. I really want to buy this, but I really have no where to wear it.

  8. slowing down :

    I just wanted to say thanks to all that commented on my post about eating more slowly on the morning thread. I didn’t get back to read it until just now, but I wanted to make sure those posters saw my thanks & appreciation for the suggestions. And now to implement them…

  9. Looking for advice from the runners out there. I’m a terrible runner, always have been, because after a short while, my lungs start hurting from the constant huffing and puffing. My legs are fine, but I get completely winded and sometimes my side starts hurting as well. Is this something you can train yourself to get better at? I would love to, say, run a 5K someday (yes, that would be the longest I’ve ever run and I’m in my late 30’s), but I can barely run 2 miles on a treadmill at this time (although I can use the elliptical or stationery bike for an hour). Could it be that some people are just not built for running?

    • First Year Anon :

      Yes- the elliptical and stationary bike- you are probably not going at a high enough cadence or resistance to have the same aerobic workout as running. I see a lot of people pedaling at zero resistance at the gym and happy they did it for 30 min when really your aren’t exerting yourself enough. Running is a lot harder cardiovascularly and on your legs due to the body weight pounding (although, I will argue that you can get the same cardio workout on a bike if you ramp up the resistance and pedal speed). Training will help you get better endurance. This is totally normal and it does not mean you are a bad runner.

      Most training programs suggest 5 minutes running, 1 minute walking, etc. until you can build up to longer time periods of just running. That’s a very short explanation but I would search the internet for more details.

    • The run walk method is what I recommend for runners starting out. My husband has asthma and was convinced he couldn’t run. He started off doing that and now he’s an incredible runner.

      I’d also make sure you don’t have asthma. I have runners induced asthma and felt similar symptoms, my legs were fine but my lungs were worn out, until I got put on an inhaler.

    • jjjeanette :

      Couch to 5k! I went from a reasonably fit person who was not a good runner to easily running 3 miles. It builds you up gradually so you don’t have to deal wiht the lungs hurting.

      • baseballfan :

        This. I went from someone who couldn’t run to the mailbox to having completed two marathons and a bunch of halves and shorter races, after doing C25K after nothing else seemed to work.

        It’s possible that some people are not built for running, but based on the variety of body types of the runners I know, I sort of doubt it.

    • Curly Sue :

      I completely understand what you mean. I can take a 45 minute Flywheel class and do reasonably well relative to others in the class, certainly exerting myself the whole time. But I can’t seem to run longer than about 2 miles at a time. It’s frustrating, and not something that got better for me, even when I was following the Couch to 5K program a few years ago.

    • During high school cross country my dad once commented that I was “just not built like a runner.” I’m one of those people who runs regularly for a few years, then doesn’t run at all for a few years, then goes back to running and it always takes me a LONG time to be able to run more than 2 miles without being totally and completely lungs-burning winded. A run/walk combo is probably the best way to go but I’m impatient so when I start running, I generally run 2 miles every other day for about 2 weeks, then 2 miles 4-5 days per week for 3ish weeks before I start increasing my mileage. I find it takes me about 12 weeks of running 4-5 days per week before I get over the hurdle of burning lungs. YMMV.

    • Hmm… how long have you been running consistently? When I first started running regularly, I had the lungs-burning problem, too, but now I do 5Ks all the time and have run a 10-mile race. You definitely have to build up to it slowly (the run-walk method is a good suggestion… I used Couch to 5K too). Also, you might try running outside, if it’s nice where you live, and running more slowly.

    • You can definitely train to be better and will get more running stamina with time. Couch to 5K is a great program and there are also programs for longer distances. I have the run training app and have used it in training for a 10 miler.

    • Anonymous :

      As others have said, use Couch to 5k or another run/walk program. Also, run more slowly at first. Like, much more slowly than you think. The rule of thumb that I have always heard is that you should be able to carry on a conversation with someone when you are running at training pace. For side cramps, try varying your breath. e.g., if you have been breathing in when your right foot hits the ground, try varying it so that you breathe out at that point in your stride. if that doesn’t work, walk for a minute or two until the cramp goes away.

    • You probably just need to slow down. As you’re building up mileage, you should be able to carry on a conversation with someone, or if you’re running alone, be able to sing a line of a song without being winded. I also find that running indoors makes my lungs burn more, probably due to drier air.

    • I’m not a runner (but I’d like to be!) but since your question is more about ENDURANCE I’d suggest swimming. Since you have to really control your breathing that should help a lot. Of course, right after you check to make sure you don’t have asthma. Runner’s induced or otherwise. Good luck!

    • For me, running was so, so difficult because I was incredibly iron deficient. Once I found this out and began taking iron pills (on advice from my doctor), running became so much easier! Way less huffing and puffing – it may be worth looking into for you.

    • I’m in the same boat. Can’t run to save my life. Even when I was active and a varsity swimmer and soccer player in high school and could swim 5-7 miles at practice comfortably I was never able to comfortably run 2 miles. I get a terrible metallic taste in my throat and then I start coughing and can’t stop. Once the coughing starts I can’t breathe properly and it is downhill from there. I don’t think I can have exercised induced asthma because of the swimming. Any thoughts?

      • Swimming is actually one of the sports recommended for us asthma goers. You may want to be checked out for asthma.

      • Anonymous :

        Swimming is totally different endurance than running. I’ve taught swimming and runners actually have very bad swimming endurance. In swimming you take deep breaths and slowly and your heart beats faster to compensate. Eventually in swimming it slips from an aerobic to anaerobic process in which little oxygen is needed for continued muscle use. In running, people breathe more and keep their heart rate lower for much, much longer periods.

        Try slowing your breathing when you run and exhaling through your nose like you would if you were swimming.

      • All really interesting. Will have to try breathing more slowly, though I’m sure it will be hard to start with.

      • I wouldn’t be so sure that you don’t have exercise-induced asthma. Swimming is often easier on asthmatics because the moisture in the air (you are right at surface level, so the humidity is different, even if it’s an outdoor pool) can lessen typical asthma symptoms. So you could have issues as a runner while you rock it out as a swimmer and still have asthma. I am a very severe asthmatic, and swimming rarely sets me off unless it’s a stop-start sprint swim set (but doing distance or less rest is fine.) Running, on the other hand, triggers a pretty severe asthma attack 5-7 minutes in, no matter what. I have had asthma since before I can remember (literally, got it as a baby), so I know enough about myself to know that once I “push” through an attack (with liberal use of an inhaler, watching my pulse rate so it doesn’t get too high), the resulting adrenaline release means that I won’t have asthma issues again while running, unless I come into contact with a separate trigger (like a smoggy truck).

        Anyway, what I am saying is that your body can react differently to swim and run stimuli, and you may still be asthmatic. And if you are, once you get used to your symptoms, you will learn what works for you. There may be no amount of running that’s comfortable or safe…you need to play it by ear, and always make sure you have a long-term controller in your bloodstream and a rescue inhaler with you. (Note that long-term controllers can take days to weeks to ramp up, so be careful!) People really do die from asthma…you need to take it seriously.

        Also, if you go to a doctor, go to a pulmonologist, and make sure they check your symptoms before and after you exert yourself. I can still remember running the stairs at my doctor’s office as a child! They need to test you as you would be in order to diagnose exercise-induced asthma.

        Also, very important–make sure that the doctor or PA shows you how to properly take an inhaler and use a spacer. Makes a world of difference.

        Your asthma doesn’t have to define you! I played DI waterpolo–I just learned how to make it work for me!

        • Yes, yes and yes. You are a very possible candidate for exercise-induced asthma, and MJ has some great tips. I never ran a 5k despite being on the track team for years (sprinting only), until I was over 30 and started doing an inhaler/Singulair combo. It opened up a world of difference. I’ll never be a distance runner, but it was amazing to run those 3.2 miles after years of people telling me I just needed to train harder/run longer/be more patient.

          • Typical sprinter… that would be 3.1 miles ;) That extra .1 must have been a killer for ya!

      • You have asthma. Obviously, confirm this with a doctor! But I have exercise-induced asthma and I know that metallic taste VERY well. Also ask your doctor about vocal cord dysfunction. The symptoms overlap with asthma but they are different conditions.

    • I definitely recommend couch to 5k. Running cardio is definitely not the same as elliptical/spinning cardio. My dad could go on 50mile roundtrip bike rides at a good clip but I promise he couldn’t run a mile.

      I don’t run currently and I’ve never been much of a distance runner but Couch to 5k used to work for me. Don’t worry if you have to do it at your own pace. Like if you aren’t ready to advance to the next level. It still works. Also, never increase your distance by more than 10% each week because you wouldn’t want a bad bout of shin splints to undo the work you did building up your endurance.

    • Hey, hey! :

      Yes, absolutely: run more slowly. Run at a pace that may seem absurd to you at first. Take it easy and be consistent.

      Focus on running for 30 minutes non-stop. Do this regularly. It will get easier. Then, maybe 45, and then an hour.

      This will take a long time. At first, you should expect you’ll need to take walk breaks. This is absolutely fine and good. Your lungs should not really be burning unless you’re all-out racing a shorter-distance race, and they should definitely not be burning when doing training runs. Just take it very, very slowly and give yourself plenty of time.

      You will be running a 5K in less than 3-4 months, I bet,

    • I have bad exercise induced asthma as well as just general asthma and bad allergies and I am just not built for running. After 2 years of 3 days a week at the gym with at least 30 minutes on the elliptical, I walked outside this winter and went, “OMG, it doesn’t hurt to breathe!!”. What you describe is exactly how I remember feeling in 5th grade – tons of energy in your legs, lungs which just won’t keep up – so I would recommend talking to an asthma specialist.

      So yes, it is possible not to be built for running, but it is also possible to increase your endurance and strengthen your lungs – it just might take longer for you than some people.

    • Just start with really short distances (e.g. one block) and add a block every day. If it feels like too much, cut a block back and then stay at that distance a day or so and then increase again when you feel comfortable. I went from 1 block to 6 miles a day this way when I was in my 20’s. If you’re not in your 20’s do what I did when I started running marathons in my 40’s – walk and run equal distances while increasing the total distance and cutting back the walking and increasing the running.

    • From what I’ve scanned, it sounds like you’ve gotten great advice wrt: run/walk and exercise-induced asthma.

      So I’m going to be flip: oh girl, when you run, your lungs burn, you get short of breath, and sometimes you get a stitch in your side? SOUNDS LIKE RUNNING.

  10. I saw Wicked last night and was blown away. It was so good it made me cry. I’m ridiculous.

    I also leave for Hawaii tomorrow morning and can’t wait. I just want to sit on the beach with a book and a drink and do nothing for a week.

    • Senior Attorney :

      You’re not ridiculous. I think it’s awesome. One of the best good deeds I ever did in my life was to take my son’s then-girlfriend to see “Wicked” some years ago. She had never been to a Broadway musical before and was somewhat reluctant, but she went with us and when the lights came up at intermission, she turned to me with a look on her face I’ll never forget. Like “Wow! This is awesome! And why was I never told of this amazingness ere now?”

    • Dude, I’ve seen Wicked 3 times. And it’s just as awesome each time.

    • I love Wicked – one of my top 3 broadway shows for sure. I totally cried too!

    • Irene Adler :

      Oh I cry when I just hear the wicked songs sooo

    • I love Wicked, especially because of the female duets. So fun to sing!

      The book that the musical is based on is also quite good, if you’re looking for some fun reading for Hawaii. It’s by Gregory Maguire.

    • Lily student :

      I had been waiting to see it for about four years when I finally saw Wicked, and it still went beyond my expectations. Love it so much

  11. EduStudent :

    I posted this yesterday, but it was pretty late. How would you all personally style this for work? http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dresses/4130260324242.jsp?cm_sp=Grid-_-4130260324242-_-Regular_33#/
    (based on whatever level of workplace formality you want)

    Also, thank you so much to everyone who posted mystery/dystopia/postapocalyptic book suggestions on a thread a few days ago. It wasn’t my question originally, but I got a nice sized reading list from it and really appreciate it! (and always open to more)

    • Pretty! First, because of the colors and flowers, I’d save this for a day where I needed to look professional, but not particularly powerful. Then – remove the sparkly belt, add gray or dark brown cardigan and pumps, OR I can also see a white/cream cardigan, with tortoiseshell belt and either matching or nude pumps, looking great, particularly for brun*tt*s because the hair contrast would add interest.

    • Wildkitten :

      Navy blazer?

    • Very cute! I’d do medium brown heels and belt and throw on a blazer. It looks like you have some black in the colors, so black could work (I actually love the medium brown & black color combo), or you could do some other neutral or maybe white.

    • Moon Moon :

      Camel blazer and nude for me heels, minimal jewelry and very neat or slicked back hair.

    • EduStudent :

      Thanks so much, everyone! Definitely open to other ideas if other people want to respond – I just wanted to thank everyone who has already. :)

      • It’s a bit on the short side for some offices. I think if the length doesn’t raise any eyebrows, then a nude, camel, or black longish fitted blazer, nude pumps and you’re good. Or, you can make it casual with nice pointy toed ballerina flats and a little off-white cardi. Minimal jewelry because of the print.

  12. Wedding guest dress code :

    I still don’t have the whole afternoon/evening wedding thing figured out… 3pm Catholic church wedding, 7pm reception, no dress code specified. Should I assume c*cktail attire is acceptable? Technically it’s an afternoon wedding but the reception timing makes me lean towards evening dress. Is a black knee length dress appropriate?

    • Knee length yes, black no (in my opinion)

    • hoola hoopa :

      Knee length, yes. Black, yes. Maybe it’s regional, but black is very common at weddings around here.

      And have a cardigan/wrap for the ceremony. Sleeveless dresses are typically fine, but you’ll want to cover up spaghetti straps or strapless as a guest.

      • It’s fine to be strapless in an American Catholic church. My friends/family have worn some pretty racy things to wedding ceremonies, to the point where non-Catholics have expressed surprise to me.

    • Orangerie :

      +1 to hoola hoopas suggestions.

      Also, that is an absurdly long gap between the ceremony and reception. I’ve been to full length Catholic weddings (including a mass) and they took 1.5 hours, tops.

      • Anonymous :

        I think the gap might be a regional thing. Where I live, it is quite common for there to be a long gap with Catholic weddings. Ceremony at 3 and reception at 7 actually isn’t terrible. I’ve been to ones where the wedding has been at noon or 1 and the reception has started at 6 or 7.

        • Orangerie :

          Interesting!

        • St. Louisan :

          Yup, that’s common here. And all of the guests are on their way to sloshed by the time the reception begins.

        • As someone who had a 3 pm Catholic ceremony and then and 6 pm cocktail/dinner reception it is because 3 pm is often as late as a Catholic church will allow wedding to be scheduled as most have a 5 or 5:30 Saturday evening mass. I’ve also been to noon Catholic wedding with evening receptions although those are less common. Happy Friday!

          • Yup, and then if you invite the priest to the reception, and he’s also saying the Saturday evening Mass, he won’t be able to get there until 6:30 or 7.

        • Anonymous :

          Yeah its common where I am from too, but it is still crazy rude.

      • The couple is probably thinking of it as an evening wedding – it’s not uncommon for Catholic Churches to only offer 2pm or 3pm wedding slots and then to have a gap before the reception. I’ve always seen these treated as evening events from a dress perspective.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Yes I would think a black cocktail dress is appropriate. In NJ I usually see a split- half the people at church in cocktail dresses and half in day dresses but going home to change in between.

    • My brother’s Catholic wedding (in Chicago for reference) was like this. The time in between was for family photos and togetherness, not a 4 hour ceremony. I actually changed in between for a more “c*cktail” outfit.

    • Of Counsel :

      It would help to have a general idea of region. Based on the posts here, I gather than black is fine for weddings in some places. In the South – not so much.

    • Wedding guest dress code :

      Thanks for the input! It’s in the northeast so it sounds like cocktail is the way to go. I generally don’t love wearing black to a wedding but I was looking for an excuse to keep the black lace dress with cream underlay that I love. I think it’ll work fine.

  13. Anon in Consulting :

    Work Dynamics Question-

    I work in consulting, and I am joining a small team on a short term basis (4-6 weeks for a project that has been going on for 8 months and will continue another 3-5). I am being sent to this team because there are serious team dynamic issues that are impacting the ability of the team to meet the needs of an extremely challenging client. I’m a young woman, but I have moved up very quickly and I very experienced in this area, and not to toot my own horn, but since I have moved into a more supervisor/lead level role I have very successfully navigated both client and internal politics in a way that typically satisfies everyone. This is recognized by company management, and I was sent to this client before my next long term project to help sort out some of the client and internal issues.

    There are a plethora of issues, but most are ones I have handled before and feel ready to manage. However, a dynamic I am still trying to get my head around is the following: There is a mid fifties male in a role above me on this project that is brand new to the company, and he comes from industry rather than consulting. He is behaving inappropriately to the client (aggressive, openly saying he doesnt know what he is doing and blaming the client for him not understanding, saying we do not have a plan) and he does not understand the product we deliver and how it works. I have been trying to frame our work for him, and gently provide feedback on some of his style things and he is responding extremely poorly. Without being too specific, it mostly centers on his age and duration of experience and my lack of “life experience” and experience at other companies (i have worked at this firm since I graduated from college). Honestly, I know he is digging his own grave. However, this is hurting the project, our credibility, and ultimately the whole company.

    Any thoughts on how to better manage this? I am considering reaching out to a (older, experienced, white) male mentor of mine who has always been one who work extremely well across experience levels, gender, age, and backgrounds (not to mention has wonderful client facing skills) to ask if he could give this man some coaching. Any advice from the wise hive on helping this man see the light, or at least managing our public image to the client?

    • Wildkitten :

      Fire him.

      • Anon in Consulting :

        I will have an opportunity to make that recommendation. I would prefer to coach him into functional. And all things considered, firing will take at least 2 months, and I want to see changes in our relationship with the client A LOT faster than that.

        • Anne Shirley :

          Why are you providing someone hurting your business with “gentle” feedback ? He’s blunt and aggressive. Respond in kind “that communication with client was unacceptable. In the future, do this.”

          • Anon in Consulting :

            I think my concern is that I haven’t experienced having even my softly worded feedback be so extremely poorly received, and I am very concerned that if I say anything harsher it will rapidly deteriorate. There are already a lot of problems between people on this team, and I absolutely cannot be brought into the fray of “Anon in Consulting doesn’t like or is being mean to X person” . I am there to repair team dynamic and smooth out relationships, not aggravate people.

          • Anon in Consulting :

            And when I say gentle, I do not mean unclear. I gave a specific example, and explained that the style he used is not the way our company deals with those sorts of situations, and that we deal with them in x way. He responded with comments around his experience and basically just disagreeing with me that what he said/did was not appropriate.

          • Anne Shirley :

            He isn’t responding to gentle feedback because why should he? It makes you seem weak and gives him the power. You don’t need to be rude, but you need to be firm, clear, direct, and document. He doesn’t have to like you.

          • Wildkitten :

            So he’s bad at his job and won’t respond well to feedback? If you can’t fire him for 2 months, at least take him off the case so he doesn’t interact with clients in the meantime.

          • Anon in Consulting :

            I think something to keep in mind here is that while I am being brought in as a independent “fix”, he technically has a title a level above me. I am not reporting to him, but he is also not reporting to me. I also need to be mindful of not being completely insubordinate. I will work on preparing some firmer phrasing for my feedback, its possible he may respond better to this. I’m trying to find a space that will feel safe for him to learn from me and take advice from my experience, rather than him feeling as though I am trying to undermine him or his work.

        • If you work for a company where it takes 2 months to fire someone who is so hopelessly terrible, you should be looking for a new job. This is a broken organization.

      • I don’t necessarily think you need to fire him…yet. But sometimes abrasiveness is a front for defensiveness or lack of knowledge, or frankly, just lack of people skills. I have worked in a few different service industry settings, and being rude to the client or telling the client he is wrong is just an incredible no-no. I don’t know if you can appropriately bring that up with someone who is above you, who might say as a retort, with bluster, “I have XX years of experience and I know how this goes….”, but it needs to be said. Nicely. The client may not see it the way that he does, but it’s his job to convince the client to see it the consulting firm’s way in a polite and professional manner.

        Also, I think you need to rethink your communication style. Being meek and obsequious with someone who is loud and direct is going to result in this man simply ignoring you, even if you are in a 1 on 1 meeting. You need to modulate your communication to speak in way that he will hear you. You also need to talk about results, and the fact is, that rubbing the client the right way is not going to get you the results you want on this project or result in repeat engagements for your firm. So figure out what you want to say to this man, but then don’t approach him gently. That’s not how he operates, and the age/race dynamic is not going to make that better. You need to be direct, firm, confident and on-point.

        Good luck–this sounds nightmarish to me, but that’s why I am not a consultant! :)

    • I’m not sure why this “(older, experienced, white) male mentor of mine” is relevant.

      What are you trying to imply about your colleague? The way I read it is either A) you’re a young “inexperienced” minority woman and you think having someone who he can “relate to” is going to make him see the light or B) he’s not any of those things and you find it difficult to deal with him.

      I’m guessing you’re implying A, to which, let me give you a piece of advice. Anyone who would disrespect someone for 2/3 of those characteristics isn’t going to “see the light” because someone who looks like him says so.

      So, where does that leave you? You’re being told to fix an unfixable person which sounds either like a test or you’re being set up. So document and (respectfully) be a whole lot firmer. Sorry, but some people don’t need to feel “safe” to do their job, they need to be told to do their job properly.

      • Anon in Consulting :

        A is what I was saying, which I guess I thought I did more than imply. His demographic is obviously the norm in my industry, I’m just not comfortable being treated like (and normally am not) by the nature of being a mid/late twenties woman, I don’t have a right to know more about anything besides twitter than you. My firm has its issues, but that sort of culture is not one of them.

        I think that he is used to a very hierarchical structure, where a lot of this is based more on “years of service” rather than performance and answers typically are “because i said so”. This environments are typically headed by white men in America, just by virtue of their opportunities and lifestyle (not having/wanting to take time out). While I am not trying to enable his behavior, i think hearing from my mentor who is more his peer/superior around the fact that this is NOT our culture and what our culture is, may clear his eyes a little and make him seem a bit more open to what it means to work at our company.

    • Coach Laura :

      Anon in Consulting, after reading your 4:31pm post, I think you could do one or more of the following:

      State to him that “At this company we don’t do X/always do Y. If this is different from what you’re used to, I suggest that you talk to [our manager][your boss] for more background/details. The goal of this team is A, B and C and at this time, management has indicated that the team is not going to adopt new methods to reach those objectives. ” This could be conveyed verbally but if that doesn’t work, email may be more blunt.

      If you can’t keep him out of the client meetings, perhaps as the “fix-it” person, you could develop an agenda/work plan for the meeting proscribing the roles of each team-member, the goals of the meeting and the metrics for measuring whether the objective is reached. If you get the rest of the team’s buy-in, he may end up going along.

      Reaching out to your mentor as you mentioned in your original post is a good idea, as long as your mentor doesn’t see it as whining or subterfuge on your part. Or perhaps the head of the whole project could take this time to reinforce the goals and targets of the team and the path that the team is going to take to get there.

      Good luck!

      • Anon in Consulting :

        I really like your phrasing there, i am absolutely going to use that one. I also will be preparing most agendas going forward, as this is more appropriate to my role rather than his regardless, and I plan to have tighter control over conversations.

        My mentor is not the type of person who would see this as complaining. I will absolutely discuss this with him and see what he thinks the best course of action is. I want to be proactive here, and try to make this work with this person, but I see that that may not be possible.

    • West Coast :

      I am not sure about the culture in your firm or the engagement management processes that are in place that might be tools to help mitigate the issue, but here is my advice.

      It seems like your end result is:
      1) Enure the project is successful for your firm and maintain your own reputation
      2) Help your colleague adapt to the switch from industry and better serve your client, if possible

      Given that, there are two options, as I see it:

      1) Talk to him directly. I think one important item to discuss is the transition between industry and consulting, and what the experience has been like for him. Don’t forget, your firm probably has a ton of frameworks, rules, tools, approaches, IP, etc that is are probably very overwhelming for him if he is new to the firm. Then he joins a project that may or may not have an approach he knows, but as an experienced industry hire he is expected to execute without much training. Once you begin to develop trust, you will have more standing to say, “I don’t quite have the functional experience you do, but I do know consulting; let me help you transition your style and teach you some tricks that will make it easier to work with clients.” Because really, let’s be honest, there are some tricks–like always having a giant appendix or anytime you use a waterfall chart, the client automatically goes, “OOOOOO”. If that still doesn’t work, go to the partner that is in charge of the engagement.

      2)Go to the partner in charge of the engagement directly. Explain the situation and impact that your colleague is having on the project. Let them know that you would feel comfortable coaching your colleague, but due to the difference in experience level, it would be helpful if the partner helped create a structured coaching relationship between you and your colleague.

      It is not an easy situation, but if you focus on being transparent and clearly communicate the goals and intent behind your communications, I don’t think you will risk your reputation.

      • Anon in Consulting :

        This is a really good assessment of the situation. We have had a bad track record lately with industry hires, and it is for exactly the reasons you outlined. That is why I am trying to be more understanding of his perspective. One of my mentors was a industry hire who had a really tough transition, but ultimately made it through the fire and is amazing now. People spending the time with her, even when she was aggressive and defensive, I think really made the difference. I think some of this behavior can be a little human nature (i was at the top of my job, i come here with all these young kids and they think they can tell me what to do, this company has all these crazy approaches and policies i dont understand but i want to seem knowledge AH). I think speaking to him directly about the transition and general issue is the right approach, I just have been hesitant to due to his reaction. However, just like with the client, this is really about trust building.

        I have the ear of the leads of this project, and of management generally, so I am not really concerned about my reputation. They listen to me, however they are NOT willing to spend the time with him (thats why they sent me yadda yadda), which is part of the problem likely.

        • West Coast :

          I would make sure to be very direct with the partners/management and tell them that you are giving him feedback directly, but also be very clear about the risk you have identified (that he will not necessarily want to receive feedback from you because of how he views position/age/etc differences) and how they can help mitigate it (either by formalizing the relationship, spending time with him themselves, or having a plan to remove him from the project). If they have put you on the project to help guide him, they need to be clear with him about that as well. It is a ‘miss’ on their part if they did/do not.

          I would say though, that you do seem concerned with your reputation, as far as not wanting to be perceived as bad-mouthing, not liking or being insubordinate to this colleague–and I think this concern is valid.

        • I work with a guy just like this. After numerous complaints from his clients & subordinates to our boss and to me (people tell me stuff), and lots of gentle coaching from the boss & me, I was fed up. I took him aside and had a “check yourself” discussion where I reminded him of his role supporting client needs and developing the next generation. I don’t think he actually changed his mindset, but he has started behaving better. My thought is that when I can’t get commitment, I’ll settle for compliance. Good luck!

  14. apartment anxiety :

    Housing TJ …
    I’m currently on a waitlist for an apartment, and was wondering if anyone else had experiences and or advice.
    They haven’t told me what number I’m at on the waitlist, so I’m unsure if it’s an actual list or if it’s something to keep people away.
    When I called initially about being on the list, I was told that they’ll call me — but I’m in all honesty a little nervous about being forgotten about. Would it be better to call, but risk being annoying to them, or just wait for them to call me?

    • What kind of apartment is this? The only waitlists I’ve ever heard of are special apartments that are below market rate — those wait lists take years and years. If this is a market rate apartment, you may want to just call them and ask how the process works generally.

      • apartment anxiety :

        It’s significantly cheaper (say $200-300/mo) but isn’t considered BMR. They did tell me that they’d call, but they’ve also given me conflicting information before so thus my quandry…

        • Ok, assuming that this isn’t part of any kind of subsidized housing program, I would just check in with them once a month or what have you. But unless you’ve been told otherwise, I wouldn’t expect a vacancy any time soon.

      • Some buildings/complexes have waiting lists, maybe not for a specific apartment but for vacancies in general.

  15. Serious question: anyone know of any non-string bikini bottoms that won’t pinch my fat? I’m thin.. I don’t even want to call them “love handles” because I don’t have them in normal clothing. I’m definitely not 8% body fat.. so it seems like any bikini bottom I try that isn’t a string bottom pinches at my sides and gives me love handles. Even when I size up :( Makes me wish I had the budget for a Beach Bunny lace bottom but then again those look like underwear..

  16. Oh so anon for this :

    Yesterday’s underwear thread made me think about something I’ve wondered for a while. I always need to buy all-cotton underwear, because the ones that just have a cotton gusset in the crotch area never seem to…line up properly. Does anyone else have this issue, or is it possible I’m put together weirdly? It’s not a size issue, it’s more a “pitch” or rotation issue, if that makes sense – like the cotton part in the middle is a good two inches back from where I would need it to function the way it’s intended, given the arrangement of various…garden plants?

  17. Wildkitten :

    I love my job and my life. I also love my boyfriend. It’s not on my to do list in the short term to get married. That doesn’t have benefits to me now. How do I build our relationship if marriage isn’t in the short term cards?

    WK

    • Why do you need to do anything? I guess I don’t understand this concept. A friend said her friend was getting married at 22 because it was the “logical next step in their relationship” well not if you can’t afford it or don’t want it. I don’t necessarily love my job but I do love my boyfriend and we do plan to get married but I have no desire to be married any time soon.

    • You start planning what you want your future to look like together. This has the benefit of working out kinks and discussing issues in depth before having to actually make a decision. DH and I talked about everything (probably to death) so we decided how we were going to handle money, long term goals, etc etc before we got married. Then the married part happened and we felt like we could actually just enjoy the celebration instead of worrying about this huge transition.

    • Wildkitten :

      I’m almost 30 and have been dating him for 3 years. I want to still build our relationship without marrying yet. Is there pre-pre-marital counseling? Or a book that would be good for us?

      • What does “build our relationship” mean, exactly?

        Do you live together? Do you want to?

      • I feel for you.

        My parents’ marriage was so awful that I decided long ago I would never get married. For me, the risk of marriage and future divorce was not worth it to even consider. Of course, I understand that is incomprehensible to some, but clearly they are people who have had a very different life experience than I.

        You are already more functional than I. For you, I would consider pre-marital counseling, couples if possible.

        And your fears are reasonable. I look at several of my friends who married, who had “normal” childhoods and think to myself…. they have no idea…. Sad, yes I know. But all but one of my friends who got married in their 20’s are now divorced. I was a bridesmaid in 5 marriages that are no more. Fortunately the ones who married in their 30’s worked out better.

    • My boyfriend and I are in this same position. We both have our own careers, houses, interests, friends, and cats. For different reasons, neither of us is in a hurry to get married. I don’t know that we need to “build” our relationship. In working out that neither of us is in a hurry to marry, we’ve had a lot of the tough conversations that are recommended for engaged couples: kids, money, career goals, family obligations, etc. We check-in with each other when things come up (e.g., I hate my commute so I am thinking of moving closer to him but not in with him). Right now, it’s more about doing more things together and building more shared experiences.

  18. Baby time for biglaw :

    How long after starting a new job is it ok to get pregnant? I got an offer for a new job that I really want to take. I’m a mid level in biglaw and it’s switching practice areas, which is so hard to do. We were just starting to TTC our second. I want to wait at least three and a half months after I start the new job while DH thinks we should just keep TTC now. I’m 38, so I cannot wait until I’ve been at the job for a year, but I think I can wait a few more months. Law is so intense that aside from not wanting to alienate the people who hired me, I also want a few months to give work my all before dealing with morning sickness and all the other joys of pregnancy.

    Any thoughts on timing of TTC after starting a new job?

    • Wildkitten :

      Normally, I would say wait 2 months. Wait 2 months, and best case scenario you give birth afeter a year the job. But in your case, knowing you want another kid, and knowing fertility decreases after 25, start now and be excited if it happens quickly,

    • Senior Attorney :

      Honestly I think the couple of months you’re talking about will do you more good if you use them for TTC than for waiting a decent interval at the job, if that makes sense. At your age it could take a while and I wouldn’t waste any ovulatory cycles when really, a couple of months either way isn’t going to make much of a difference at work.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Just re-read your post and saw the point about morning sickness and job performance. That’s a good point and may be a good enough reason to hold off a bit.

        /waffler

    • I was in a similar position about 3 years ago. I decided i wanted to have worked with my boss for a whole year before telling him I was pregnant. So I started to TTC about 9 mos after starting new job (which worked great, and I caught pregnant pretty quickly, so I think I told him about 14-15 mos after starting).

    • Being brutally honest, but as someone who’s hired a mid-level recently, I would not be thrilled if I hired a lateral and she was on maternity leave within a year of starting the job. I know that’s sucky to hear, given your age and that you were already trying to conceive, but at least in my practice group, when we hire laterals it’s because we really, really need help. We’d deal with it, but we wouldn’t like it.

      • I know you are right. I’m trying to figure out how long after I start to go back to TTC. They’re going to be upset no matter when it is. But given that I’m 38, how long can I wait?

        • I would wait a few months so that you can really knock it out of the park in terms of early work performance, without the morning sickness issues you mention. I’m sure you’d do this anyway, but given that you know that you’re going to be going on leave, you really want those to be rockstar months. Build up a lot of goodwill and that will help shift people’s mood from “what, on leave ALREADY?” to “we can’t wait for her to come back!”.

  19. Anon working mom :

    Corporette Moms seems heavily weighted to maternity and pregnancy so far. Definitely part of being a mom, but the strong focus on the pregnancy stage makes it less useful to moms who are already balancing multiple kids and a career.

    • Certainly the posts are more maternity related. I think the potential for moms is there, I just haven’t seen a lot of “in the juggle” mom comments.

    • Wildkitten :

      Do you think that’s because working moms have less free time to browse the web, or because they’re less likely to change their routines and find new sites when they’ve already adjusted so much? So – is it that working moms will never be on the site, or that as soon as the moms give birth they’ll stay on C-Moms and make it a mom site?

    • workingmomz :

      I agree. I don’t really need to see maternity wear posts since I’m done with that

  20. donation question :

    I was cleaning out my old bedroom at my parents’ house and I would really like to get rid of my old law school hornbooks. I probably have close to two dozen books and I would really like to donate them. Any ideas on where? They are from 2008-2011. I appreciate any advice!

    • I’d just donate them to the local law school library. I’m sure there are needy students who cannot afford to buy hornbooks for each course.

      • Question for my fellow criminal defense practitioners…have any of you in a small town dated a cop? There is a really great guy (a few years older than me, widower, detective) who taught my concealed carry class. He’s been widowed for almost 2 years and seems to be moving on, we flirt a lot when I see him out in town or in the backroom at the courthouse. I practice almost exclusively criminal defense. I’m interested in “seeing where it goes” but wondering how others deal with the gossip/conflict potential/very different job goals/etc. Thanks and Happy Mother’s Day to everyone!

        ***by the way…he’s a young widower, only 35 (I’m 28.)

        • I think this seems great! Someone who may relate to some aspects of your career, but is not a co-worker.

          This is like real life Law & Order!

        • A criminal defense attorney and a cop in the same jurisdiction? I can never see this working, not ever. Your clients would not trust you and you would lose credibility. He would likely not be able to relate to some aspects of your job, as yours and his are completely inapposite. His involvement in a case, even tangentially, would create an unworkable conflict for you. The fact that you both are in a small town make it all the more likely that you and he will continue to be involved in the same cases.

          Sorry to chime in so late, but this question, if it’s serious, really blew me away.

    • Wildkitten :

      Books for Prisoners programs are great for con-law books, especially if they are paperback.

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