Weekend Open Thread

Frye 'Molly' Gore Leather Boot | CorporetteSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

I’m drooling over two simple pairs of boots at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale: these lovely flat Fryes (pictured) and these lovely stretch suede heeled boots from Cole Haan. The Cole Haan boots are apparently better for narrow calves, which is definitely not me, so I will continue to drool from afar — but the Frye boots look like they have real promise, with the entire back of the boot an elasticized gore. They’re currently on sale for $279 — after the sale ends on August 4 they’ll go back to their regular price, $418. Nice!

(L-3)

Comments

  1. traveling :

    Reposting from late yesterday
    Does anyone have any recommendations for places in Seoul to buy good leather handbags? I’m not interested in knockoffs, just some nice bags. Any other recommendations for shopping there? And does anyone have any must dos for Mongolia? Many thanks in advance

    • There is a great shopping area called Myangdong (sp?) that might have good leather goods. It’s where the cool kids and tourist shop. Namdaemum market is like a swat meet/open air shopping area that isn’t as hip as the first place but it is huge so you might find something.

  2. I love knee-high boots, but with muscular calves, I have to go to wide calf sizes. Is it just me, or have boots gotten narrower over the years? I can still wear old pairs which were regular sizes, but new off the shelf boots never fit. And I hate the look of stretch fabric or elastic. It looks like the boot’s underwear is showing or something…

    • Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open Thread’s and these Fry boot’s!

      As for the OP, I agree. Boot’s have definiteley got narrower, and I think my feet have definiteley got FATTER, so it is NOT a good match, tho I love boot’s, especialy FRY Boot’s. I had a beautiful pair of Fry boot’s in college but I wound up stepping in horse poop on the TOEPATH in DC and I was NEVER abel to get the stink out of the boot’s, even after I washed them. So I gave them to my cleaneing lady b/c she alway’s wanted a pair of leather boot’s.

      Myrna is comeing over early to drive me to Weschester so we can meet with Rosa and the Kid’s. Dawn is having a recital at her summer camp tonite, and we are all invited. She is very talented–Rosa think’s she should go to Julyard school of Music, but that is a few year’s away. For now, she has started to play the
      Clarinet! YAY! She may yet become a jazz great and play at the Carlyle. DOUBEL YAY for Dawn! Even Ed is excited b/c it was his clarinet that Dawn picked up a coupel of year’s ago and look at her now!

      Grandma Trudy think’s the talent come’s from her side of the family b/c they had alot of family musician’s in the old country. My two cousin’s who were here, (and who stole a few pair’s of my pantie’s and schrunchies) also had musical talent’s. I do not understand why they had to steal my clotheing. There are store’s over there, and they could alway’s have asked first. FOOEY!

      The lifeguard is starteing school in a few week’s in Brooklyn. He want’s me to meet his freind’s and even tho I said no thank’s, he keep’s askeing! Myrna think’s that I must be alot cuter then any of the girl’s at PRATT. If that is the case, great, but I realy don’t want to be going back to being a college girl. Rah Rah! I want a MAN to marry me and support me and give me children NOW! FOOEY on anything less!

      If the HIVE has a decent guy for me, please give me his name and number. I am not proud at this point. I just need a guy to MARRY me! Have a great weekend! YAY!!!!!!!

      • Does anyone else think it wasn’t nice of Ellen to give her “cleaneing lady” the poop boots? Fooey on this p’ost.

        • It was sweet of her to do so! Frye boots are expensive and can be cleaned. Ellen needs a man to walk with her so that she can avoid all the dog poop on NYC streets! That is the only fooey I smell here

    • I was never able to buy knee high boots until recently. I bought two pairs of wide calf boots at DSW last year – Bandolino Calliope and some faux suede distressed boots (White Mountain). They both were supposedly smaller than my actual calf size but they fit perfectly. I just had to go try them on.

    • Anonymous :

      I have the opposite problem — none of the shafts are narrow enough for my calves. It doesn’t help that I need wide-width for my feet. I’ve basically given up on knee-high boots.

    • I have narrow calves, and I most definitely do NOT agree that boots have gotten smaller over the years.

      Maybe boots don’t fit anyone?

      • +1. It took me several years to find a pair of black high-heeled dress boots that fit my narrow calves. Unfortunately, it seems the more expensive the brand, the narrower (and often, higher) the shaft.

        • Frou Frou :

          I have very narrow calves and have really struggled to find a pair at $300 or less. Stuart Weitzman usually has a few styles that work well for narrow calves and are lovely in general, but d @mn, so expensive.

          • Yep, I gave up and sprang for a pair from Aquatalia. They’re sleek and they fit perfectly, but oh so expensive.

      • Le Canadienne for small calves too. Not cheap, but better than the designer names when on sale at Zappos etc.

    • I also have muscular calves, and regular shaft boots are usually too small for me, but wide shaft are too big. Maybe I just need to try more boots on. It gets discouraging, though.

      • Anonymous :

        I have muscular calves but bony ankles and knees, so if I go wide calf they look like wellies with no structure at the top or bottom. My solution is to get regular width with stretch, though I know OP said she doesn’t like the look of stretch panels.

      • National_Anthem :

        This is exactly my experience, but I have found that Nine West boots (regular shaft) are often large enough.

  3. I absolutely adore my Frye boots. Wipe the drool off and pull the trigger Kat.

  4. Love Frye boots.

  5. Anonymous :

    Hive, what are your “potential partner” dealbreakers? Ie, someone that you might be attracted to/start seeing but if you find out they have/are/did X, it’s automatically a no for you.

    Mine (aside from the standard “not a criminal, not an animal/human abuser, not addicted to drugs”) are:

    – Rude to servers
    – Does not like dogs/never wants to own a dog (mine is nonnegotiable)
    – Doesn’t want to have kids, ever
    – Isn’t ambitious
    – “Hates” all his exes

    • Do people actually come out and say they aren’t ambitious? Or more to the point, does everyone who isn’t ambitious say so? I think some people might look and even act ambitious, but you wouldn’t find out they’re half-hearted or unmotivated until it’s too late.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes. People actually come out and say they are not that ambitious. It’s a good thing for some people after all. Totally reasonable to decide you want a partner who is happy to work hard but doesn’t really care about getting ahead , or to decide for yourself that you’re content where you are and aren’t ambitious to change it.

        • I understand, and those would be easy to weed out if one wanted to do so. I would be more concerned that someone would say they’re ambitious, and even think they’re ambitious, but not put in the hard work needed. It might be a long time before their lack of drive becomes apparent.

          The other dealbreakers listed by the OP would be pretty apparent within a short time of knowing the person.

          • You don’t have to be ambitious to work hard. You seem to be operating under some pretty skewed definitions and assumptions.

          • Tesyaa is right – I got stuck with someone w/out ambition, not a hard worker but it was not apparent until we tied the knot.

        • Baconpancakes :

          I have a male friend who was all set to be a part-time odd-job worker and SAHH until he had kids, until his girlfriend rejected his proposal and broke up with him. Now he’s struggling to get back on a career path after being the primary homemaker in the live-in relationship for five years. He’s currently living at his parents’ house. More evidence (to me) that no one, male or female, should be unable to support themselves.

        • I will go ahead and say that I’m not that ambitious, if we’re looking for live human examples! I love my field, I like my job, I do my best to do good work, and I certainly hope to advance into a higher-paid and higher-ranking position at some point, but I really do not care about running the rat race and killing myself to get ahead (or getting a PhD, which I’d need to do at some point). My ambition is to have a job that I enjoy that provides me with enough resources (monetary, mental, emotional) to love the rest of my life. I’m very work to live, not live to work, which I think is counter to the American view of ambition.

          • +1. I left firm life for exactly this reason and after one year on my own (not married with kids yet), I couldn’t be happier. “Ambition” has many meanings.

          • Oh. My deal-breakers.

            -Is not willing to live with a dog…my dog has been around longer than any potential man at this point, so she stays.
            -Rude to people in the service industry.
            -Active addiction or alcoholism. (Been there, done that.)
            -Not willing to see me as an equal partner.
            -Hates to travel.
            -Someone who prioritizes work above all else. I care a lot more about quality time than the dresses I could buy with a partner’s six-figure salary; I need to see the person I’m with most of the time.
            -Conversely, someone who is irresponsible, has no follow-through, or is totally aimless. I can’t do that thing with the constant complaining about how things suck, and then listing all of the reasons why it’s impossible to fix anything/it’s everyone else in the world’s fault. (Also been there, done that.)

          • I admit that I married someone who is not very ambitions. He works hard, and does his best at his job, but doesn’t care about being number one in his field or anything like that. To me ambitious means working long, crazy hours and putting work before family. And that just doesn’t fly with my. I’m very grateful my dh puts our family ahead of his career ambitions – to the point that he subcontracts pt from home so he can be the main caregiver while I am the main breadwinner.

          • Spirograph :

            +1, I actually told an ex that it never would have worked between us because he always wanted to do big, great things, and be someone important; whereas I am happier with a “small” low-pressure life that includes plenty of leisure time.

            I am ambitious in the sense that I like to have personal goals to work toward, but none of them have anything to do with my career or salary. My job is just something that pays the bills (although I take pride in doing it well) so I can focus on my actual life. I want a partner who feels motivated to help provide for the family, but not one who thinks money/promotions are the best and only way to do that.

        • I don’t view it as unambitious to not want to be #1 in one’s field. To me, unambitious is someone who is not willing to put in the time to be self-supporting, to support one’s family, and to have enough money to live an enjoyable life. Are my standards really low?

        • Kensington :

          Ambition is the desire to achieve: get promoted, make partner, make more money, be CEO, et cetera.

          I know plenty of hardworking people who are very reliable, very hardworking, and completely uninterested in being promoted. The best legal assistant in my office is like this. She is amazing, puts in the hours when something needs to get done, and then leaves and lives her life. She is not interested in becoming a paralegal and that’s fine by me!

      • Wildkitten :

        What is “too late”? Married? Marriages can end. I don’t see how any deal breaker could be discovered “too late” unless they’re a murderer and now you’re dead.

        • Married with kids. Even if you divorce your kids’ father for his lack of ambition, he’ll likely be part of your life as long as you and your kids are alive.

          • So true. Again, teysaa is spot on.

          • Kensington :

            Agreed. Once you have kids with someone, that person will impact your life (and the lives of your children) for a very long time.

    • Anonymous :

      A man who isn’t close with any members of his family makes me raise an eyebrow.

      • I suppose I understand that, but it’s too bad. My small immediate family consists of addicts with untreated mental illness, and it’s not really even possible to have relationships with them. It makes me all the more desirous of having a loving family of my own to build those bonds with.

        Lots of good people come from abusive, sh*tty families.

        • lawsuited :

          To be fair, this whole conversation is too bad. I’m sure there are plenty of men out there who aren’t ambitious or are afraid of dogs or only tip servers 10% that are good people.

          • McGiggles :

            I agree with you. A lot of the suggestions seem more like preferences instead of “deal breakers”. I like Lyssa’s example below for what a deal breaker actually is lol. When my single friends IRL ask advice about finding someone my advice is to always just give guys a chance. If you otherwise click you might be willing to compromise more on some of these softer “deal breakers” than you originally thought you would.

          • I’m sure that’s true, but remember, the question isn’t “what are the universal dealbreakers that make a man undateable for any woman?” They’re “what are the dealbreakers *for you*.”

          • I really do not think that there are great people who are intentionally and frequently rude to people working in service industries.

        • +1

      • locomotive :

        I would also encourage you to re-think this one based on context. My most recent ex was a great man (we broke up because of distance with no end in sight) who wasn’t close to any of his alcoholic, drug-addicted, emotionally-abusive family and had cut them out in order to stay sane and happy. He was a great, well-adjusted, kind guy who just happened to be born into a terrible family. I wouldn’t judge someone just because of that without context.

    • Wildkitten :

      I read “isn’t ambidextrous” and thought that was odd, but now that I see that option I will add it to my list of deal-breakers.

    • On your last point, anyone who describes all of his exes as “crazy.” Because usually the “craziness” ends up being perfectly normal stuff like, becoming worried if your boyfriend doesn’t call/text/email for five days straight or being unhappy if your boyfriend ditches on plans at the last minute.

      • +1 There have been so many articles in the past few years on how terrible and destructive using the word ‘crazy’ is. I’m so glad they have articulated something that bothered me that I could never quite put my finger on.

    • Assuming that he’s not mooching off others, why is ambition important? What I mean is, as long as a person is generally responsible and happy doing what they are doing, why is it necessary to want/strive for more?

      (I’m honestly asking out of curiosity – it’s probably the sort of trait that I couldn’t really be compatible with because we’d likely be too different, but I’m curious as to why it would be a specific dealbreaker.) (Long married here, BTW, so this is purely an intellectual exercise for me.)

      • Baconpancakes :

        Because of the reason you gave – they wouldn’t be compatible because they’d likely be too different. I don’t want the burden of being the only breadwinner, and I also don’t want anyone supporting me entirely, and I’m also uncomfortable being the person whose career is waaaay more important than the other person’s, and vice versa. There’s a feeling that you want to be with someone who’s “as good as” you are, as successful, as important. Some people make it work, of course, and it’s far more likely that the two partners will have different levels of ambition in a traditional male-> breadwinner/female->homemaker relationship, but I personally want someone who’s on the same page as I am. But it’s a personal preference, of course.

        • Ehhhh I have some issues with this. I feel like this response assumes that being “as good as” and “as successful as” and “as important as” rely on external markers, like prestigious jobs and a big paycheck. I would, FWIW, never want to be with anyone who thought I wasn’t as good as or as important as they were in the relationship, just because I have a non-fancy job with a non-fancy salary, and do not prioritize climbing the corporate ladder. There’s a big difference between not being conventionally ambitious, and being some kind of leech who assumes that the other partner is going to be the breadwinner. Maybe this is just me being defensive, as a self-identified not-ambitious-person, and of course I respect other people prioritizing other things in their relationships.

          • I think that’s why it’s personal, though – if ambition is a dealbreaker for you in the sense that Baconpancakes describes, it’s likely because you measure success/importance/achievement in a specific way.

          • Anonymous :

            I don’t think you have to “prioritize climbing the corporate ladder” to be ambitious. You can be ambitious to yourself (ie, I want to be the best possible me that I can be, including at work, and constantly be striving to do better/reach the next plane.”)

            I’ll be upfront that I do not want to marry someone that envisages a scenario where he stays home and I am the primary breadwinner. It may be what happens, but I would like to marry someone who is dedicated and committed to success in his career (whatever that looks like) and passionate about what he does. It may be that life gets in the way of that somehow, but I’d like to marry someone where we’re starting from the same place in terms of viewpoint on that issue.

        • Maybe I’m reading “dealbreaker” too harshly. I’m thinking of someone with whom everything else could be absolutely perfect, but that one thing would kill it. Like, if you were having a really great date, and then the guy just casually mentioned that he belongs to a racial supremacist group – no matter what else is perfect, you can’t get over that. So, more than just “not likely to be compatible.” (Not that I think that anyone here would be likely to be otherwise compatible with someone in a racial supremacist group, but it’s a hypo.)

          I do dislike the idea that “as good as” is somewhat connected to “as successful” or “as important,” though.

          • Baconpancakes :

            That’s why “as important as” was in quotation marks. :-)

          • National_Anthem :

            No joke, this happened to me. Then he showed me his swastika tattoo. I’ve never left a date so quickly in my life.

          • National_Anthem :

            (and because you said it doesn’t seem likely we’d be otherwise compatible, I feel like I just have to add – THIS GUY SEEMED SO NORMAL BEFORE THAT HAPPENED!)

          • Blonde lawyer :

            So glad he told you. Imagine if you found that tattoo the first time you guys were in bed!!

      • I think it is important for many women because of the gender stereotype that men are supposed to ambitious and bread winner of the family. Even though women are ambitious, well educated and financially independent, they want a man who is more educated or ambitious than themselves. I was one of them too.

        However as I met many men who were as or more or equally ambitious as me, they expected me to compromise with my career (for ex: find a new job in his city even though it was easier for them to find jobs in my city, adjusting to their schedules all the time etc). I was not willing to compromise so much just to be with an ambitious man. At the same time, I was not ready to ask some one else to compromise for me because I knew how it felt. I wanted some one who doesn’t have to compromise to be with me and neither I had to compromise to be with him. I had this realization just before I met my husband. He is definitely not as ambitious as I am. But he is responsible, has a good job and doesn’t depend on me. He is very friendly with everyone, very easygoing and always very calm and composed (I am by no means calm and composed). He is also a self assured man who doesn’t feel insecure that I earn more than him. He moved to my city as he was a contractor and took his next contract in my city and also has family nearer than his previous location. I am very happy that I married him. He doesn’t think he compromised and I definitely didn’t compromise. We enjoy each other’s company and he has supported me so much during difficult times.

        I don’t want to generalize and say that every ambitious man will expect woman to compromise but a majority of them still do. I just couldn’t say no to my husband whom I a liked a lot in all other aspects and wait for a more ambitious man.

      • For me, I think of this as “cares about something,” because when you care about something, you want to do it better or make it better or somehow add value to the world, as opposed to seeing work as a chore. I’m less caught up on the actual salary/social prestige associated with that work, though. You just have to care. (And I’m lucky that I have exactly such an SO!)

        • This is how I feel about ambition–it’s about passion and striving, not about money, for me. And having been in a relationship with someone who was hiding that he was not ambitious, I can tell you that as a highly passionate and ambitious person, I can never again be in a relationship where my partner isn’t passionate about/ambitious in his career. I don’t care if he makes $30,000/year and never achieves any fame, power, or recognition, I just care that he’s devoted to it. That’s what turns me on, intellectually, emotionally, and even physically, so it’s a “dealbreaker” for me when the guy has no drive.

          Now, I have also dated someone who is even more ambitious than me (as in works 12-14 hours a day, every single day), and that also didn’t work. So for me, ambition must be tempered with an ability to actually be IN a relationship.

    • Baconpancakes :

      All on my list. Also dealbreakers (for me, not necessarily for everyone):

      – Doesn’t love food/cooking
      – Out of touch with nature (ie “This cabin doesn’t have cable. That’s camping, right?”)
      – Uncomfortable in social situations
      – Doesn’t “see” dirt.

      On the last point, when my friend’s newish boyfriend helped with the dishes a few weeks ago, and immediately wiped off the counters after finishing the dishes, scrubbed the dish basin, and ran the disposal, I changed my opinion from “He’s nice,” to “Yes. Keep him. Definitely.”

      • hoola hoopa :

        Ha! That reminds me of the first time I went to my now-husband’s house and he walked immediately to the coat closet, asked for my coat and hung it up, then took of his and hung it up. Swoon!

        My list was similar and included:
        – Fit but not climbing mountains or running ultra marathons
        – Doesn’t understand why art is something people care about
        – Messy car, as in several inches of stuff everywhere
        – Doesn’t know what to do when given a corona and a lime wedge
        – Still trying to figure out who they are and what they want

        I’m surprised these dealbreaker lists seemed to kick up so much controversy and discussion. It’s not bad to know what you’re looking for in a partner. I had a very lengthy list of things I wanted and did not want in a spouse, so when I met my husband I quickly recognized that he was it and snatched him up! I’ve adored him every day since.

    • McGiggles :

      On particular thing that irks me is when someone is too into themselves / their imagine on social media. I couldn’t be with someone who posted constant selfies or status updates on their “omg best x,y,z thing” all the time.

      • Anonymous :

        Smoking is an instant deal-breaker for me. Don’t threaten my health by exposing me and I don’t want to watch my loved ones kill themselves. This also expands to include anyone involved in those industries (tobacco marketing or sales for example).

    • Republicans.

      • I always thought I couldn’t date someone who had drastically different politics than I do until I met my BF. I value my friends with different politics because having some pushback in life makes me better. I didn’t think that would translate well into dating. I think our relationship works because a) we know that we want the best for our country and fellow citizens, even though we don’t agree on how to get there and b) I’m very interested in politics, but he’s not, so it doesn’t come up much.

      • Anonymous :

        Democrats. We can swap prospects.

      • This one is interesting to me. I tend to agree, but that makes me feel like a jerk? I guess I could see myself dating someone who has different views on economic policy and government size than I do, but I could not be with someone who has different views on my reproductive rights or marriage equality.

      • Anonymous :

        Someone who ignorantly stereotypes individuals based on broad labels rather than getting to know the person.

    • Woods-comma-Elle :

      -Has children
      – Wants to have children (this is the only one that is absolutely non-negotiable but unfortunately seriously limits the dating pool for me)
      – Smokes and isn’t prepared to quit
      -Very religious (less a deal-breaker, but more like the ambition thing that I couldn’t see myself being particularly compatible with someone who is very religious)

      Fully agree on the rude to servers, seeing me as equal and the exes thing. On the ambition point, it’s important, but being supportive/understanding of my ambition is more important.

    • Spirograph :

      Dealbreakers:
      – Smokes (Gross. I just can’t.)
      – Doesn’t like dogs
      – Doesn’t want kids
      – Closed-minded. The occasional ignorant remark doesn’t bother me, but if I say “wow, that’s offensive/incorrect because XYZ,” and he doesn’t even pause to reconsider, we’re done. I think that makes me closed-minded. Oh, the irony.

      I also think I agree with Baconpancakes’ “not in touch with nature.” This isn’t quite a deal-breaker, since I have no plans to leave my husband, but it does drive me crazy that he is tethered to his electronic devices and would rather sit in the basement playing video games than go hiking/biking/anything outside on a beautiful weekend. I really love outdoor stuff and camping, and I wish my partner shared that (he does go along with minimal protest, but he will never, ever initiate). It’s something I didn’t realize was so important to me until I didn’t have it.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Nature was recently added to my list after a breakup with a guy like your husband. Part of the tension at the end (not the reason for the breakup) was that my hiking buddy was a male friend from college. I’m perfectly ok not sharing all of my hobbies with a partner, but I came to realize that enjoying the outdoors was too important to me to to not share with the person I commit to.

      • hoola hoopa :

        Me, too. I was very seriously involved with a man who didn’t particularly enjoy nature but went along for my sake (or sent me out with others a la baconpancakes, of whom he inevitably became jealous) until he once agreed to a week long backpacking trip. He held it together pretty well until the second to last evening when he threw a tantrum and zipped himself into the tent to pout all night. The last night I had planned a surprise night at a hotel… a historic one without electricity (but plumbing!), which didn’t go over well, either. The real kicker was once we got back he settled into the couch with his laptop, air conditioning, and high speed internet – and I asked if he wanted to go for a bike ride. He exploded and I think we both realized maybe this wasn’t going to work.

    • Anonymous :

      Smokes. Drugs. Guns for purposes other than hunting. Won’t let me take the kids to church.

      • “Won’t let me” do *anything* would be a dealbreaker for me. Thinking he can or cannot “let” me do something, for that matter!

        • Although the flip side of that is that she “won’t let him” have non-hunting firearms

          • No anon, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who wanted to have non-hunting firearms. Just as I wouldn’t expect someone to give up smoking for me but I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who smokes.

    • Anonymous :

      Overweight,
      controlling,
      no college degree,
      does not like sports,
      poor tipper,
      lack of taste,
      religious,
      bad in bed.

    • The heart wants what it wants, and sometimes we end up with people whose many characteristics include things we once thought were “dealbreakers.”

  6. skin woes :

    Picked up from the previous post, as there’s no traffic…

    I’m young (34), and I have good genetics–my mother, at 67 still has pretty good skin, for having been a smoker (now quit) for most of her life. I battle cyclic acne, but it seems to be subsiding now that I am adjusting to my iud.

    However, I’m finding that the thing that is bothering me most now, after 50+ pounds of weight loss is that it looks like I have a lot more wrinkles. I don’t mind crow’s feet, they just tell how much I smile. But, I do mind the vertical worry lines between my brows.

    Has anyone had any tried and true experience with wrinkle creams? I don’t have a lot of money to shell out, so in all seriousness, $30 is about as much as I can afford for something that I hope would last me a few months or more. I’m contemplating botox, because I know that would certainly help, but I also live in a small market, so there may not be that many (good or not) choices near me.

    • A $30 wrinkle cream won’t do anything for you except keep your skin moisturized. If the area really bothers you, Botox is effective (though painful) and it probably would not take too many units to relax that area a bit. I’d go through a dermatologist or a plastic surgeon’s office instead of a med-spa if you are concerned about going to an experienced practitioner.

    • Wrinkle creams, per se, will not really help. I would not waste your time on them. Sunscreen/moisturizer, staying out of the sun, and possibly adding a retin-A product. Moisturizers may reduce the appearance of fine lines briefly, but there isn’t a magic bullet.

      Similar to you, I have cystic acne. What I recommend is seeing a dermatologist – which will be covered by your insurance for cystic acne. Get her recommendations for the best sunscreen/moisturizer for your skin type (most are actually relatively inexpensive, drug store brands like Cetaphil). Then discuss the pros/cons of a retinA product. This can reverse some sun damage and acne scars. Be sure to ask for exact instructions on how to slowly titrate up retinA use, to avoid peeling/redness while your skin gets “used to” it.

      Be careful if you are considering Botox in a small market. Ask the dermatologist for a recommendation that you can afford. I’ve seen bad Botox jobs and you don’t want them… But do you really want to go down this road? You are so young, and this is not cheap.

      And unfortunately for many of us, as we lose weight it goes first in the face (me!). And with aging, we lose fat in the face. So I have always noticed that one lovely advantage of having a higher BMI is you often look younger in the face, with fewer wrinkles as we age.

      • Anonymous :

        I don’t think botox is a dangerous road to go down. It last roughly 3 months and if you go to someone experienced and skilled and bring realistic expectations, it will be more effective than any topical could ever be. If you don’t love it, it will wear off in a few months. It can also help to “train” you not to use those frowny muscles any more (if those muscles are paralyzed, you get out of the habit of using them) so that some people find after 1 or 2 treatments they don’t need it again. In the grand scheme of things, botox is pretty benign.

        • Also, you’ll need less over time if you get it while you’re young and you can stop the wrinkles from forming. I started going when I was 25 and I need much less, less often, with better results than my friends who started later do.

      • Its not just about losing weight in the face – people with more body fat produce more collagen which is the glue keeping our skin looking “springy” and young. So people with less body fat almost always look older/age faster than people with more body fat (as collagen breaks down as we age, but if your body makes more of it, you will look younger). FYI: this is also why smoking and tanning ages you faster – both destroy collagen levels.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House :

      Skip anything topical/purchased in a department store/not from a doctor and go straight to Botox or Dysport. It works. It’s safe. It doesn’t hurt. If for some odd reason you don’t like it after it slowly wears off (4-6 months), just don’t go back. After a few years, it will last longer between treatments. The sooner you start, the better because it also prevents wrinkles. You will not be sorry.

  7. Love Fryes but I tried on this pair at NAS and they were really quite difficult to put on and remove.

  8. CPA lady- The Final Countdown! :

    Earlier this week, I realized that this is my last “free” weekend “EVER”. I’m going to be working every weekend during tax extension season starting next weekend, and then I’ll be having a baby at the beginning of October.

    So this is it for me. This week I’ve already gotten a pedicure and I have a haircut scheduled for tonight. What would you do if you had one last free weekend?

  9. Not my real name ... :

    Does anyone here wear an insulin pump or some other similar medical device? I realize this is a long shot, but I’m looking for good ideas for wearing one with business casual attire. The little clip device that came with the pump is stretching out the waist bands on my skirts and marking the fabric. Even with the small size the weight of the pump drags down the waist. I’d love tried and true solutions. It seems like everyone I know who wears a similar device is not employed, so their solutions (fanny pack!) don’t really work for me.

  10. Anonymous :

    This is a long shot, but anyone out there having cell phone network issues with Verizon? I’ve got 2 phones with no service/can’t make calls and they’re saying there’s no outages reported in Philly. Gee, thanks….

  11. Hi all. Another dating/relationship issue that I need some perspective on. I know that I should probably seek therapy about this, and I’m working on that, but as we all know, finding the right therapist is a side job unto itself. Here’s the thing: After the end of a serious relationship about 8 months ago (we were together for over a year), I spent a couple months really and truly thinking about what I want and need out of one. I’m 33 and very ready to be in that “forever” stage of life. I ended my last relationship because I finally got (after ignoring it for months) that Ex would never be in the necessary emotional place to get married. He was abused as a child, and in his words, he’s simply “empty” in that place where other people are “full.” He was very attentive and involved for a while, but as time went on and I became more and more invested, he started pulling back. I eventually couldn’t take that anymore. It was extremely difficult for both of us, and while he wanted to keep the status quo, I knew I couldn’t do that.

    After a couple months of letting myself be sad, I started dating, mostly online but through friends and colleagues as well. It was mostly a bust, but I did go out with one guy for about six weeks, and although it didn’t work out, it certainly helped me get over Ex.

    Two weeks ago, I went on a first date with a guy I met on Match, and I swear to God, I’ve never felt more immediate chemistry combined with a sense of calmness in my entire life. As someone on here said about a week ago, I nearly drooled when I first saw him, haha. I thought I knew what an instant connection was when I felt it with the Ex, but this is different, and way better. New Guy seems stable, clear, and while shy (like me), confident. We’ve seen each other four times total so far (about 20 hours together), and have stayed in regular contact via texting.

    He’s gone this weekend on a camping trip with two of his guy friends, and we don’t have plans yet for when he gets back, although I am reasonably sure we will see each other again. He wouldn’t go out with me four times and stay out very late during the workweek unless he’s interested. And yet, I have been fighting a deep seated insecurity ALL FREAKING DAY today and I cannot shake it. On the one hand, I am delighted that I met someone who shows promise, but on the other hand I am absolutely terrified of getting invested in any way because I went through so much pain the last time. Even writing this all out makes me sound like a crazy person – I should just calm the F down and see what happens. It just bothers me so much that I can be successful and accomplished with work and have great relationships with friends and family and yet feel like such a complete and utter mess when it comes to romantic relationships.

    I’m wondering if part of this is because I still see Ex on a fairly regular basis. We practice in the same area and see each other in court occasionally. He is barely able to exchange pleasantries with me at this point. It’s really sad. I’m scared that those feelings of fearing that someone will begin to pull away when I get attached are going to keep repeating themselves. I have no objective evidence of this with New Guy – everything I know so far seems so great.

    I don’t even know what my real question is here. Advice? Similar feelings? Tell me to calm down and be rational? Anything, really. Sorry for the novel-length post…

    • Baconpancakes :

      You hit the nail on the head. Just calm the F down and see what happens. You’ve got someone to get excited about! That’s awesome! You’re scared because you’re afraid you’ll invest yourself and then have another bust. Totally normal. You’ll be ok! And listen to Florence and the Machine’s “Dog Days Are Over” on repeat. That has been nursing me through my breakup.

      • Thank you:-)

        And I love that song.

        • I was in the same position (approximately) about a year ago, and my best advice to you is to continue seeing other people unless the exclusivity chat happens. (Even if you really like this person; perhaps especially if you really like this person!) I think it would help you avoid a putting-all-your-relationship-eggs-in-one -basket approach and therefore will lessen your anxiety about this guy. Also, I would really make an effort to go do something you enjoy (pedicure, girls night, weekend at a national park, you name it) to take your mind off him. I’m a tightly-wound person and it is hard for me to come off as relaxed at baseline even when I am actually relaxed, let alone when I was dating and became really excited about someone, and THEN I would get nervous at my own nervousness and shoot myself in the foot by emitting some seriously-stressed-out vibes ;)

          • “I’m a tightly-wound person and it is hard for me to come off as relaxed at baseline even when I am actually relaxed.”

            This.

            As far as dating other people, I totally get where you are coming from. I just don’t know whether I can do it. I’ve never really been able to do that when I truly like someone. Also, this guy emailed me literally two days before my Match subscription was going to end, and I was planning on taking a break from it anyway because it was getting discouraging. He is shy, and really doesn’t seem the type to be dating multiple people at once, but it is early and I really have no idea. Definitely something to keep in mind.

    • Anonymous :

      I had that feeling a lot in the beginning of my current relationship. Sometimes I still have panic moments where I think “I’m so happy, it can’t possibly last forever” or “I don’t deserve to be this happy.” Over time the feelings have become less, as I felt more comfortable and safe in the relationship and we both developed a stronger commitment. I don’t know if they’ll ever go away completely but I try not to let those insecurities affect the relationship.

    • It’s normal to have this kind of nervousness. Exercise is helpful to get all that nervous energy out of your system.

    • You could be me. I feel like that all the time after a similar experience to you. I go to therapy. It helps. I’ve found listing all the “evidence” as to why my anxiety probably is wrong also helps a lot. So does texting the new guy (& I’ve told him about my anxiety – pretty early on and he was incredibly understanding/I didn’t expect that).

      • If things continue to go well I will definitely have to bring it up with him in a couple weeks.

        • you know, if it’s going well don’t be afraid to say something sooner. I did because I was all nervous energy & I felt like it was obvious & it was — his reaction was “I know that about you, don’t worry, I like it and I’m not going anywhere”.

  12. Does anyone use an exercise ball as a chair and if you do, do you know if the right size for a desk is the 65cm or 75cm ball? I’m trying something new in my home office.

  13. Sorry, long post! But I’m super frustrated.
    I need advice on how to handle my mid year review which is coming up in Sept. The main issues I’m having is how to communicate to the Managing Director (my reviewer) my frustration with my current manager. I work in consulting, same firm, 3 years. Managers vary from project to project but I have worked often with one manager who is great. He is a high-achiever, we work well together, I have always gotten positive feedback from him and clients, and he has helped me progress with him. The project I am on now is with a different manager, and it’s my first time working with her (I knew her socially before from office events) and she has a reputation among the office of being…difficult to work with. Super nice, but not a good manager (disorganized, unresponsive at times, scattered, etc.). I am incredibly frustrated on my current project with her for two reasons: 1) I feel like I am regressing, and 2) her management “style” is making it more difficult for me to do my job, and, at times, making me look like an idiot in front of the client (which is really starting to get to me, in terms of confidence and interest/care about doing well on this project).
    1) Regressing. I am working to get promoted early (next summer, normal would be winter 2015). Based on the relationship with my “normal” manager, I believe this is something I can do, and without getting into the details (like recent retention rates), my “normal” manager agrees and supports me in this goal. Since getting on this project, I feel like I have not learned anything new, both in terms of content of project and in terms of project management skills (unless learning how NOT to manage counts). I spent my first three weeks formatting and reformatting spreadsheets and redoing work the manager had already done, but forgot to save (seriously, this happened twice). There has not been enough work to keep me busy, and the work I do have does not require someone with my experience. There is one piece of the project that is more “advanced” and I had initially told the manager I was interested in performing this piece. As staffing plans changed, this piece was instead given to a contractor leaving me with the more basic aspects of the project. This contractor was not brought in for subject matter expertise, so that is not an issue. If anything, I have more experience than her in this industry. Most days it is me by myself at the client, so it’s not like I have a team of people to manage.
    2) The.Manager.Is.Driving.Me.Crazy. She is constantly changing her mind, the project plan, having me redo work, I can’t get a hold of her when I need to, etc. The result is, because I am on site at the client, I am the one who has to communicate this. Its embarrassing to tell the client you have no idea if the manager is attending the meeting. This morning, we had a status meeting. I was basically called out in the meeting by the manager for doing what she asked me to do. (Wed – the client needs to decide if we are going to go down path A or path B, give her those options so we know how to proceed. Fri, in front of the client – no no, I told you earlier this week that this should not be holding us up, we can go ahead and do A, B, C). This was as a reaction to the client’s response . I propose the manager’s idea, the client disagrees, the manager joins the clients side and tells me I’m doing it wrong. I bite my tongue.

    So my issue is this, the manager sucks, I can get over that, but this project has not been a positive experience for me and I’m trying to figure out how to express that without just railing on the manager. While at the same time communicating my excellent (other) work and demonstrating that I am working towards taking the next step. Does anyone have advice or experience with this? I don’t want this project to hold me back, but I need to be able to express why this is an anomaly from my other work. UGH.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House :

      “I think working on X project with [new manager] has been a productive experience for me in terms of professional growth because I have learned first hand that there are many different ways to manage a project.” If she is as bad as she sounds, everyone in the room will know what you mean.

      Also, “Because I am not being fully used for project X, and because I have been thinking about management/leadership issues a lot lately, I would like to look into taking some managing/leading workshops so that I make sure to learn skills I will need in my career.”

    • I’d avoid making this about your current manager because it isn’t necessarily self-evident that your frustration is due to her shortcomings :
      ‘Regressing’ – the available work is what it is, regardless of what a worker would prefer to learn, and complaining about a dud project can seem like a failure to be a team-player, if it’s the only one you’ve had to deal with so far. Also there may well be underlying logic to the staffing plan which your manager can explain to her boss, but which isn’t apparent to you. If this surfaces, you merely seem immature and again, ‘not a team player’.
      ‘Constantly changing her mind etc etc’ – I would avoid attributing re-work and last-minute changes to your manager’s lack of organization. Again, there may well be entirely sensible reasons which are not apparent to you (changing priorities at the client or at your firm).

      I think a more productive approach is to focus listening well to the feedback at your review, and demonstrate your interest in the bigger picture beyond yourself. Is the client satisfied with your and your firm’s contribution ? Is the firm happy with the progress of the project and future business prospects with this client ? How can you contribute ? And then only – are you considered to be on track with your own professional development ? If you need to attribute anything to your current project, keep the criticism squarely on the nature of the project work (‘a bit repetitive’) and try to avoid blaming it on your manager or the client. Otherwise the reflex response for virtually all managers will be to back up delegated authority and/ or the client in the face of ad hominem criticism.

  14. traveling :

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  15. How to choose and apply eye makeup? :

    I’m in DC. I need to go somewhere to figure out what type of eye makeup to buy and how to apply it. Right now, I use whatever eye shadow colors come free in gift with purchase bags.

    Help! Should I go to Sephora? Nordstroms at Pentagon City? If so, what counter?

    • locomotive :

      I like the Sephora’s at Tyson’s Corner (might be a hike for you though!). I went and asked for a work-appropriate look and the sales associate did a great job. I bought the Naked 2 palette and the Lorac pro one, I would recommend the Lorac pro if I had to pick one of the two but I enjoy both of them. I also got some great benefit liquid eyeliner. I would recommend Sephora over Nordstrom’s because the SAs will not only push their brand on you, and you don’t have to do as much work going from counter to counter.

    • The Sephora in Friendship Heights has converted me to actually wearing make up, their stylists are so helpful. The Lord and Taylor up there has a great selection of counters and help, as well. Turned me on to/got me hooked on NARS.

    • You could also check out YouTube tutorials. I like MakeupbyTiffanyD and Lisa Eldridge. The Small Things Blog also has some eye makeup tutorials.

      • I second this suggestion and you can also find good product recommendations in YouTube videos. I shop at Sephora all the time. Love that place and continue to use a lot of products there. I would not buy eye shadow from Mac because it will dry up and crack after awhile.

    • How to choose and apply eye makeup? :

      Thanks all. I think I will definitely do Sephora, in a metro-accessible location. And once I have at least the basics, check out tutorials.

    • Maskcara.com. If you watch some of her videos first, she’ll give recs on good products to buy so you know what you’re doing when you get to the store. I’m a makeup novice, but she makes everything really accessible and easy for even beginners.

  16. My firm hired a young lawyer who for religious reasons leaves for the mosque at least once a day often for over an hour.

    Just wondering hour other firms deal with this.

    The nature of our buisness essentially requires lawyers to be in the office for ordinary buisness hours for a significant amount of walk in buisness and calls from prospective clients/existing clients.

    A bigger issue for me has been that this young lawyer is not doing his job (lots of sickdays, lots of leaving work for personal reasons, showing up to appointments late, showing up to court kate) and I am suspicious that this to some extend is an extension of that.

    • Anonymous :

      If you haven’t already asked, this sounds like a great question for Ask a Manager.

      To me, the two things seem to be separate. His religious reasons for leaving the office every day are entirely justifiable and it’s been agreed and you cannot make him hang around/pull him up on not being there.

      However, this is entirely different from his general poor time-keeping/commitment in respect of other matters. I suspect you have to be very careful about this, but ultimately I would address the time-keeping by relating to specific examples as you would with any employee. The mosque visits do not come into it at all (and even if you feel like they do, I can see no legitimate grounds on which you could address this without potentially causing an issue, though I’m not an employment/discrimination lawyer).

    • Does your office have a prayer room or quiet room that he could maybe use if the trip over and back is what takes up the most time? I’ve worked for large corporates that would typically have something like this, and the actual prayer time is usually quite short (just a few minutes) I believe.

      No advice on the bigger issues.

    • Ramadan just ended, so it might have been that mosque time was more frequent and longer than it would normally have been – give it another few weeks before raising any issues. Likewise, fasting could lead to sick days if he wasn’t managing it well

    • There’s pretty specific rules w/r/t religious accommodation. Talk to HR about how best to handle the conversation/documentation about the actual work-related issues, assuming that they are not part of Ramadan.

    • Kensington :

      Ignore the mosque visits and focus on work issues. If he was a reliable person who showed up to everything else and worked hard, the mosque visits would not even matter.

      For me, showing up late to court and other appointments is pretty unacceptable. The conversation should be “you have showed up late on several occasions. When we have a court hearing or a client meeting, you need to show up a little early, not late. If you can’t manage your time effectively, your future at this firm will be hurt.”

  17. How do you ask for feedback on a job you didn’t get?

    I’m currently doing non-legal contract work for a government agency and, on a lark, applied for a full time attorney position there. The interview went well and the interviewers said that I seemed extremely qualified. I made it to the final round and found out today that they selected someone else.

    I’d like to ask for feedback (i.e. what I could do better in the future, what led them to select the other candidate etc) but have no idea how to ask without being creepy… does anyone have ideas?

    • Anonymous :

      Don’t bother. They won’t tell you and there probably isn’t any real reason. You made it to the final round so obviously they liked you a lot, they just liked someone else more.

    • I did this and actually was very surprised at how receptive the employer was to it. When I heard back about not getting the job it was just a form letter. I was really disappointed since everything seemed to have gone so well through multiple letters, so I sent an email to one of the people who interviewed me to get feedback.

      I said something along the lines of, “I just heard you decided to go with another candidate. I truly enjoyed meeting you and learning about your organization. If you have the time, I would love to know what qualities you ended up prioritizing for the position and whether you have any advice for what skills I should work to develop if my goal is a position like this one. I truly enjoyed meeting you and the rest of the team, please keep me in mind for any positions that may arise in the future.” I got a quick response saying, “Sure, give me a call,” and then we chatted on the phone for about 10 minutes.

      I got a lot of really good feedback this way, which I’ve kept in mind to guide the type of work that I am taking on/experience that I’m getting in my current position. I would say go for it, you don’t really have anything to lose. As someone once told me, people like to be asked for their advice.

  18. vicarious shopping? :

    I’m trying to find gray non-metallic leather flats. Plain or modestly adorned; round/almond/pointy toe. Under $50. 6pm is not being very helpful. GO!

  19. Conflicted Out :

    Calling all current/former litigators… Have any of you discovered, some years into practice, that the constant conflict and zero-sum aggression is driving you crazy and just doesn’t seem worth it anymore? And if so, did any of you (a) find it was just a blip, and your macho cowboy cool came back, (b) find a less strife-ridden way to litigate, by changing either your job or the way you approach it, or (c) ditching litigation (and perhaps legal practice) entirely, for _____? Many thanks for inspiration of any kind!

    • I’m not sure my coping mechanism falls into any of your categories, but for me, it’s three things: 1) remembering not to take it personally; 2) remembering that there is an ebb and flow to especially high conflict times, and there is usually good reason to keep fighting; 3) setting strict parameters on contact with opposing counsel depending on how bad I perceive things – i.e. don’t read their emails outside of work hours, only communicate in writing, no knee-jerk responses, etc.

      • Conflicted Out :

        Thanks! All good tips. I think my problem is that this sort of coping strategy isn’t helping me accept the fundamental conflict built into litigation – namely that even when everyone is perfectly civil about it, it’s inherently a conflict-driven game, and a grossly inefficient drag on the clients’ business. At best, at least in business litigation (my practice), we’re defensive players preventing damage to a business/product/service that other people have built. And right now I’m envying the builders.

        • I like to tell myself that sh!t just happens sometimes. It’s a cost of doing business–ie. my clients have a client that is flat out refusing to pay them. So they came to us to help them get paid. My job is to help them keep their business afloat by trying to get the guy to pay them (in this case, without expensive litigation).

          On the other hand, I’m kinda done with litigation myself!

    • Anonymous :

      Are you me? I’ve been ranting about this a lot lately, but I haven’t decided what to do about it (i.e., ditch litigation, grin and bear it). I long for the olden days of practice where people advocated but weren’t glass bowls to each other.

      • Conflicted Out :

        …and more than 1% of cases went to trial? Yes, I might be you. Though I’ve only been ranting in my head, I’m pretty sure… And I think I’ve been grin-and-bear-ing it long enough now that I’d ditch litigation in a hot second if I had a good replacement in mind. Good luck!

      • Conflicted Out :

        …and more than 1% of cases went to trial? Yes, I might be you. Though I’ve only been ranting in my head, I’m pretty sure… And I think I’ve been grin-and-bear-ing it long enough now that I’d ditch litigation in a hot second if I had a good replacement in mind. Good luck!

    • I’ve only been at it for a little more than a year and it is really wearing on me in recent weeks…I was surprised by that. I work at a thinly staffed non profit and manage all my cases alone – no co-c0unsel, no paralegals, nothing. I think having teammates would be better because we could spread out the aggravating phone calls or at least commiserate.

      Speaking of commiseration, since you brought it up, I’d like to share a mini-rant about how frustrating it is that I am *still* filing *yet*another* motion to compel, because even though they are being civil about it, opp counsel is still being stubborn about doc production. Like they finally under court order produced Document A but not the exhibits to document A (including the Definitions section that names all the relevant parties to Document A!!) that are crucial to understanding it, because the court order didn’t specifically say (“and any exhibits or attachments thereto”). I feel the judge is going to look poorly on them for this, BUT it’s going to waste a lot of my time.

      Or opp counsel flat out blowing off deadlines entirely. I had one opp counsel tell me that he thinks its been years since he produced documents on time, even with lengthy extensions. It’s the petty stuff like that which is exhausting….why I hope to get into appellate work some day so I can focus on the meaty law issues.

      Anyway, for me the other thing that I hope will change my mood is reminding myself “what we’re fighting for” (like I said it’s a non-profit and my particular practice area is as much about setting precedent as it is about the clients). Personally I am just hoping I get re-inspired.

    • Yes. My personality was not suited to the litigation I was doing at a big firm. SO I tried to find a “better” litigation fit for me, and I left to become a municipal litigator. Wasn’t better. Was still dealing with a lot of obnoxious opposing counsel and a challenging client. “Don’t take it personally” was my mantra, but it failed; I just got tired of the conflict. And my husband who is a litigator, too, (big firm now) loves it— I can see him getting a charge from it. That’s what really made me realize that I’m just not built that way. When another opportunity came up (career clerkship), I took it and really have not looked back. The things I miss about my old jobs are the people, the prestige (ew, I know), and other things that are not litigation-related.

      • Conflicted Out :

        That’s what I’m afraid of – switching to another brand of litigation and finding the same problem there. And it’s a love-hate thing for me – I do love and get a charge from trials, but everything else just seems petty and wearing. Plus I must admit I’m still hung up on the prestige (ew, I agree, but it’s very real) and “intellectual challenge” – and the need to pay my mortgage. Thanks for sharing your experience!

    • Agree that some personality types are just not cut out for it. I’m a believer in Myers Briggs, and when I learned that harmony in the workplace is important for my personality type, it flipped a switch for me. I haven’t been a litigator in 10 years and I have missed it for 0 seconds.

      • Conflicted Out :

        I’ve known for a long time this wasn’t the most natural fit for me (understatement…I think I’m INFJ or INFP), but I’ve learned/grown a lot from it. If you don’t mind sharing, what do you do now, and how did you make the switch? Thanks!

    • Kensington :

      Conflict is inherent in litigation, unfortunately.

      I’ve seen job postings for contract negotiation positions at corporations and universities. You are still advocating for your client/employer, but the opposing sides are trying to start or continue a mutually beneficial relationship.

      I still litigate, but I’m just throwing the idea out there!

  20. LondonBound :

    Just got an email that Hukkster is no more! What should I use instead? I used it so much!
    Thanks!

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