This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. AllSaints is one of the stores I like to sale-stalk for modern, urban clothing (mostly for weekends) — and they’re having a pretty big sale right now. This black knit dress with a flattering knotted detail looks lovely. It was $195 but is now marked to $136. AllSaints Sian Dress Here’s a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)Workwear sales of note for 4.18.24
Our favorites are in bold!
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Boden – 25% off through 4/18; 15% off 4/19-20; 10% off 4/21
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- Everlane – Spring Sale: up to 60% off 600+ styles
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off $125+; extra 25% of $150+; up to 60% off everything; extra 50% off clearance
- Nordstrom – Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (on eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- White House Black Market – 25% off entire purchase; $50 off $200
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Stay tuned for a list of our latest threadjacks!
Runner 5
Nigel Farage and Bob Geldof are having a waterfight between boats on the Thames to fight about the effect the EU has on fishing. I can’t wait for the referendum to be over.
Allie
Amen to that!
Kk
Looking for advice on how you stay engaged and productive when working at home? I’m traveling 75% of the time, so I spend a day per week (sometimes one week out of four) at home, and find myself getting caught up in home-work like laundry and bills and other stuff.
How to you “commute” or transition from your morning routine into work for the day and then out of work into your evening activities?
Cat
I wouldn’t sweat taking 5-10 minutes every hour or two on “home work.” At work, you probably take breaks too — chatting with colleagues, etc.
But, to prevent “breaks” from turning into “oh cr@p I should probably move my mouse so people don’t think I’m a slacker,” is there a room you use as your designated office that you can shut the door and use to focus? I find myself the most distracted when I attempt to set up shop on my couch or kitchen table, because the rest of the time, those are “fun” areas.
Bonnie
Set a schedule for the day that makes room for housework. You could also use an alarm to e.g. work 50 minutes, then take 10 minutes to take care of other things. It’s a completely different situation but the blogger at Franish has a post up today about how she manages to study for her medical boards from home.
Ally
I know this doesn’t apply exactly but I play a record when I do my chores. And I just try to do personal stuff until side one or both sides and then it’s back to work. Maybe a playlist would help?
Anonymous
Is it too unprofessional to use [firstname] @company.com for a work email address? I have a distinctive first name so it’s available. My last name is super common (think Smith), so [LastName] and [FirstInitialLastName] and even [FirstInitialMiddleInititalLastName] are all taken. My first name is long, so [FirstNameLastName] feels a bit unwieldy.
bridget
Is LastName FirstInitial taken?
Aside from the problem of having your email address be only your first name, it might be tough to spell.
Another thought: it it’s a large company, could your office be part of your address? Like, asmithnyc @ company? Because then you are the “A. Smith” who works in NYC.
Anonymous
I like it. It makes you more like Oprah — being able to go by one name.
I have a name that wasn’t common growing up (an old-fashioned one, like Ophelia). I am THE Ophelia@mycompany dot com (even though it includes my last name).
Scarlett
Now I want this as my email despite my common first name!
KT
Go for it.
People think my first name and last name is actually one word and that I have no last name…I wish I could say this was not common, but it is. (my name is the least bit unique, but it happens all the time)
Anonymous
Yes. You aren’t Oprah. Use First.Last or firstlast. Man up, literally. Take up more space. Thinking your full name is a burden on other people is classic nice girls don’t get the corner office stuff.
Anonymous
IDK — I have a client who is Jim.Smith3 at verylargecompany dot com. Let the next person be MotherofDragons3.
OP email address
To clarify, I’m not doing it because I don’t want to burden other people. I just find the long combo of my first and last name burdensome myself and I definitely like the idea of being just [First Name].
I’m also not in law or another conservative industry, if it matters.
Idea
But she IS Prince.
She can totally go by one name if she wants to…
Anonymous
I think it’s fine. Honestly, most people assume your company sets it, not you, anyway.
Mine is first initial last name, as my company requires, but I’ve seen plenty of variations.
As long as it isn’t a nickname, a name plus a number, or anything not your name, I think you’re fine.
LawDawg
If your employer is fine with it, than it is professional enough for them. That’s all that matters. If they object, then you need to match their norms.
Daisy
I think you should keep it consistent with other email address formats within your company. If I’m doing a long string of emails to people at the same company, I just assume they’re all set up the same. So if the first three people are First.Last@company.com, I’m going to default to entering all email addresses that way. If one of the four or five is set up differently that’s a PIA and, depending on who you are (how important you are) and how busy I am, I’m going to ignore the bounce back because the important people’s email addresses did go through.
Just ’cause you can, doesn’t mean you should.
Anonymous
There’s no one format because people choose their own, although I would say [FirstInitialLastName] is by far the most common and probably 50-75% of people use that. That’s not available for me, so I’d have to be KSmith3 or something if I followed that format.
Daisy
Then, by my logic above, I’d do either [FirstIniital[LastName]# or [FirstIniital][MiddleInitial][LastName].
Carrie M
Using just a first name is super common at the tech companies I work with. I don’t think it’s unprofessional at all.
lawsuited
I don’t think it’s unprofessional. The firstname@company.com is popular in edgier service-based fields, I think to create an immediate sense of familiarity with the employees of a company?
lsw
Unrelated humorous anecdote – at my friend’s law school, the format was lastnamefirstinitialmiddleinitial at school.edu. His first two initials are M. and E. and his last name is Funk. They allowed him to go outside the norm rather than force him to use the email funkme@school.edu.
lawsuited
So he was allowed to use funkem@school.edu?
AZCPA
I love it – when I started my own practice, that’s how I set up my email. I too have a distinctive first name, so it makes for a memorable address. I don’t think it’s unprofessional at all.
A spa that's not the Red Door
A “spa” has opened up b/w work and home. It is not a nice spa. It offers massages (and who knows what else). Probably just to men.
How long do these things stay open? It’s on a main street that is busy (and right by our hospital).
Am I right in assuming that the women working there are probably exploited / underage / maybe trafficed?
It’s also interesting to me that they take credit cards — I guess KYC and ALM compliance probably is different their / for their card processing vendor than where I work?
KT
What? Why do you assume that they’re exploited/underage? Why is this the devil’s spa?
I mean, a spa can be just a spa, even if it’s not upscale. Middle/lower-income folks like massages too. A lot of the lower/mid-tier spas offer just regular spas, not hot stone or reflexology. It’s for people who just have stiff muscles.
Every spa I’ve ever seen has accepted credit cards–I don’t see why that’s weird.
A spa that's not the Red Door
I wouldn’t think that a legitimate spa advertises the ethnicity of its staff in the City Paper / Creative Loafing-type local paper. To me, legimate massage places advertise “Swedish massage” and not American/Latin/Asian staff (n.b., the neighborhood surrounding it is not partularly ethnic, it is more medical office buildings and fast food restaurants, so language barriers aren’t issues).
[It’s not quite to the “table showers” (whatever that is) or massage + lingerie modeling places (I used to eat lunch in a restaurant below one on Vermont Ave. in DC that got raided).]
Trafficing is a big issue in my city per news reports — I was thinking that places like this maybe where it occurs? What do I know though — I work in an office.
Kt
Most services DO advertise ethnicity. Salons by me always broadcast Asian facialists, Japanese hair stylists, etc. some because of specialized techniques, some for the illusion of specialized techniques
Kk
I’m wondering if you live where I live! A spa is different than a “spa” and I’m giving this “spa” the side eye.
Anonymous
I always think the same thing about the “spas” advertised to truckers on highway billboards.
Anonymous
There is a lot hiding behind the words you chose to you here. Just say what you really mean or it will get sniffed out here quickly that you are concerned about the Asian massage parlor that 1) gives massages, 2) is neither by your home or you work, and 3) takes credit cards (???). Why do you care, and what are you really going to do about it if you find out that it is what you think it is?
I once met a man who owned such establishments and he had a lot to share about how often his establishments full of Asian adult masseuses were unjustly raided. I don’t think he ever mentioned their credit card transactions being a concern, though.
Anonymous
So these places are legit (like a budget manicure place, although it’s not like those are issue-free)?
I’ve seen various ethnicities (“American” being the one that makes me chuckle — I think I know what they mean, but it is about the most all-encompasing term you could use) advertised on some places by our airport. Like in neon.
I thought that if the windows are blacked out and you park in back and they advertise in blinking neon, it’s not just budget that’s being appealed to.
cbackson
I get Chinese reflexology massage all the time at a place that has blacked out windows and a neon sign. You park in front, though. It is 100% legit. That may be what you’re seeing?
(Also, Chinese reflexology massage is AMAZING.)
Credit card networks prohibit acceptance of credit cards for adult entertainment (that’s largely because of the fact that dudes tend to claim the card was stolen and charge back the transaction when the wife finds the credit card statement, btw), as well as anything illegal, but stuff does trickle through.
Anonymous
They just do that, right? So there’s no tawdriness, just no frills? Staff wears normal clothes and clients include women?
[I think that I’d give the side-eye to my husband having a spa bill on his card.]
cbackson
I go to a couple, but the one I go to the most primarily does foot/leg/shoulder massage. You’re fully clothed other than your feet, the therapist is fully clothed, and you receive the massage in a recliner in a room with other people. Every time I’ve gone there has been at least one other woman in the room, and I often go with girlfriends. And the therapist has been male about 50% of the time.
The one I go to also does have full body massage, which I’ve never done but my brother and sister-in-law each have. They report that it’s massage-standard (so you’re unclothed but under a sheet, unless you’re not comfortable being fully undressed). That is, obviously, in individual treatment rooms.
Every time I’ve been to a reflexology place, the spa was reeeeeeeally dark – that seems to be the aesthetic – with sort of, for lack of a better word, American Chinese restaurant decor (so random gold buddha statues, fish tanks, etc.). And they’re virtually always in strip malls. They look very sketchy, but totally are not.
I also go to a Korean spa – I forget what the Korean word for it is, but it’s the kind that is an enormous facility with gender-separated soaking pools, co-ed sauna, reflexology massage, a swimming pool, a place to get body scrubs, a restaurant, etc. Again, it’s a different approach to “spa” – it’s not soft-focus lighting, essential oils, and Enya – but I love it.
Anonymous
I would totally to go all of the spa-places cbackson references.
Anonymous
Maybe the fascinating business he owned was was the exception. Maybe it was the rule. Maybe he was even lying and the stereotype of AMPs are spot on for a darn good reason. But you know what they say about assumptions…
Blonde Lawyer
I think given the recent press budget nail parlors have received about trafficking makes OPs question legit.
Walnut
Trafficking is becoming a huge issue and many of these places are in plain site. One in my neighborhood was just shut down after a bunch of us reported it to authorities.
Anon
Why don’t you go get a massage there? Just go see what it’s like.
Wildkitten
+1 A way to find out what is happening inside is by going inside.
Anonymous
Yeah. If it’s sketchy, they will probably turn you away. If they don’t, it’s probably an actual massage place, albeit maybe a kind of low budget one.
Anonymous
Aren’t massage therapists generally licensed? I know some that have a curriculum that is almost like physical therapy in that they know a lot about bones and muscles (I did something to my shoulder golfing and there was a compensating / reciprocal muscle group that got thrown off on my non-dominant side). At any rate, I’d be worried about aggravating my back by someone doing the wrong thing and unlikely to go a budget route (even at a legit spa). [These therapists generally wear scrubs and the spas seem very concerned that you are getting the gender of therapist you’re comfortable with.]
IDK about licensing at the more new-agey places that just put hot rocks on your back and play music while they align your energy (my energy is OK, my muscles need help though) near nice-smelling candles. Those massages I think are more for relaxing / pampering.
[Maybe this is like baths . . . very culturally entrenched among some older gentlemen in my childhood neighborhood, but can be very different types of establishments.]
Never too many shoes
So what I hear you saying is that it’s a rub and tug. Meh.
Anonymous
I would have thought that those were more subtle. Some seem to be screaming it (on trucking roads / industrial areas / advertising attractiveness of staff / etc.). Maybe it’s a zoning issue (we have “adult-oriented” limits that they can’t be near churches / schools / etc.)?
I don’t doubt the same thing happens in some strip clubs, but strip clubs are often restricted to only some parts of town for getting a certificate of occupancy, etc.
Anonymous
Why do you think it’s an inappropriate massage place? I’ve been to a ton of non-fancy Chinese massage places and they’re just low frills – you’re divided by a curtain instead of in a private room and there is no fancy lounge or reception, it’s all business and good massages. What is this ethnicity that you think is synonymous with inappropriate massages?
Anonymous
I don’t think it was any ethnicity of the proprietor. More that the therapists’ ethnicity is very prominently featured in a way that suggests the physical attributes of the therapists (as opposed to their qualifications).
“All-American Staff”
“Attractive [insert ethnicity here] staff”
Doubly so if their services include modeling.
Saying Shiatsu massage or Swedish massage would be different.
Anonymous
It might depend on how it was worded. There are types of massages though that would make sense to reference ethnicity, like Chinese vs Thai vs Swedish. If someone advertised a Mexican massage I wouldn’t know what the heck that is, but if they were advertising their Thai masseuses then I wouldn’t find it strange.
Cc
This reminds me that I’m dying from an update from the woman who was addicted to massages at the nail parlor. I’ve thought of her a bunch- hope things got better!
anon
I was thinking about her the other day too!
2 Cents
I’m back at work today after suffering a miscarriage (8 weeks) on Friday. Only my boss knows why I was out for 3 days (very unusual for me), and I work near all men (who have, with only good intentions, welcomed me back with “hope I’m feeling better” or “you’re looking well.”) Doing all I can not to break down in tears.
Anonforthis
Sending big hugs! I just went through two chemical pregnancies in a row, and after the second one, I could barely function without breaking down. I had signed up for a two-day seminar that started the morning I realized I had lost another pregnancy. In the end, the first day was horrible, and the second day I was grateful for the distraction from all the negative thoughts. Just do what you can to take care of yourself and get through the next few days.
Anon in NYC
Huge hugs. I’m so sorry.
Idea
So sorry. Be kind to yourself. Hugs.
Bonnie
Hugs.
Carrie M
All the hugs. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you need to, go home early. Be kind to yourself.
JJ
Huge hugs. I’m so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. It may not feel like it now, but time heals all wounds. There are a lot of us out here in internet-land thinking of you today.
Anon
I know this was said with the best intentions. But “time heals all wounds” can be a painful thing to hear. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in February. Time has not healed that wound. It’s still very painful and hard for me discuss. My grieving has changed, but I still grieve the loss of that child. Time has not brought that child back. I’ve befriended women who had miscarriages 20 and 30 years ago, and they also agree that for some the grief does not stop.
2 Cents
I totally got the message you were conveying JJ (and Anon, I know where you’re coming from too). On Friday, I used an entire box of tissues. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster emotionally. I know it will get better to handle day to day.
Anon
I’m so sorry. I have been there. I don’t have any advice, but I’m proud of you for being back at work today. This is anecdata, but my first pregnancy was a miscarriage at 8 weeks– I got pregnant again two months later and have a beautiful son now. I tried to remind myself that the miscarriage was at least a good sign that we were able to get pregnant in the first place, when so many people struggle to do even that. That helped me, but I know some people don’t look at it that way, and that’s ok too. Most importantly, this is a very real loss, and you can mourn however you want.
Leatty
I’m so sorry. I went through this exact scenario earlier this year, and it was so hard. I shut my door, worked from home more frequently, and comforted myself with comfort food and copious amounts of wine. After a few days, I put on a happy face and threw myself into my work so that I didn’t have time to think about the enormity of my loss. I planned a vacation with my husband and did things I wouldn’t have been able to do if I were pregnant. Eventually, things have gotten better, although my heart still aches.
Diana Barry
Hugs.
Anon for this
I am sorry. I had two miscarriages within 6 months before finally having my youngest.
Also a male dominated field, and I didn’t tell anyone while I was out.
Be good to yourself. I, like another poster upthread, tried to frame it as, “hey, I was able to get pregnant, that is a good sign!”. Some days that worked, and some days it didn’t.
Hugs to you.
Maddie Ross
More hugs. Also been there and it’s the worst. I had one guy come in my office asking me what I had and if I was contagious and make a big show of using Purel. Like you, it was all I could do to keep from yelling the truth at him.
anon
So much this. It just got to be amusing, the “what did you have, that killer flu?” Anyway, I’ve had 2 (so far). Hugs 2 Cents, try to be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve (and hugs to the others on this thread who carry these losses with them as well).
anon
Also have been in the same position earlier this year. I would miss a few days of work, feel ok and then lose it again. In all, I missed several weeks of work. Just take care of yourself and cut yourself some slack. It takes a long time for your hormones to subside, and hormones can play tricks on your emotions. The pain will never completely go away, but it will become more manageable.
Pep
I’m so sorry.
My last m/c was over ten years ago and I still grieve. I think about them (there were six m/c in all) all the time and wonder if I’ll ever see them one day, in some kind of afterlife, if there is one.
Sorry if that’s too maudlin.
ELL
I’m so sorry for your loss. Even at eight weeks, the baby can be so much a part of your life and plans. It’s really hard.
Ms B
I miscarried at 11 1/2 weeks after IVF and told no one at my office. I actually did get the flu that week (go figure) and that made it easier to hide in my office with the door closed so that “I do not get anyone else sick while I recover”.
I can tell you that I still am glad that I kept it to myself. Disclosing the information lets way too many people into your private life and decisionmaking.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.
emeralds
Love the dress! I always forget about AllSaints.
I’m moving in with my boyfriend this summer, which is very exciting but also scary! We’re on the same page about the direction of our relationship; we’ve discussed how we’re handling joint living expenses; we’ve talked generally about cleanliness standards and chores. What are we missing? Any tips or wisdom to share?
Also, just gotta say as well…thank you to the ladies of this website for being a source of support and wisdom over the years when I was mired in relationships that sucked, or getting over a breakup, or feeling like I was going to be single forever. I learned a lot of lessons about how to relationship from reading this s i t e. Who knows what the future holds, but I feel good about it.
Anonymous
Put it in writing – sign a contract about who is paying what and what happens in the event of a breakup. This is more important when buying together but still important when renting.
Good luck with the move, and yay on having a great relationship!
Anonymous
I don’t think this is necessary. If you’re both interested in doing something like this, that’s great, but if either of you is uncomfortable with it, I wouldn’t sweat it. Unless you’re living paycheck to paycheck, having to suddenly move out of a rented apartment isn’t going to ruin anyone financially, so the stakes are a lot lower than when you’re buying property.
emeralds
This does not seem necessary in our situation. Neither of us live paycheck to paycheck, and if there was some kind of unforeseeable scorched-earth disaster, we both have family that we can fall back on. I even have family within (painful, but doable in an emergency) commuting distance of my job if I absolutely had to go that route. We aren’t buying any major furniture or anything together, either.
Anonymous
I’m the anon who suggested this earlier. Just to explain a bit more, I know a few people who have had issues because of not doing this. One has an issue where neither wanted to move but it was an awful breakup, so one locked the other out by changing the locks (huge mess). Another where it was unclear who should pay what, so basically one paid most of the bills yet the other got the security and such back. Generally just typical emotions and vindictiveness after tough breakups.
On the other hand, I do know plenty of people who have not had these issues. It’s just not something you know ahead of time!
I’m not saying everyone has to do this, and certainly many don’t, but I would.
Similarly, with anything you buy together, though it doesn’t sound like you’re planning on big purchases.
Wildkitten
Have a healthy emergency fund so you can leave if you decide you want to. Also noise-cancelling headphones. The thing that surprised me the most was how often Mr. Kitten and I have opposite times we need to chit chat and opposite times we need quiet time. But that’s just a negotiation, not a deal breaker.
emeralds
We’ll have pretty different work schedules so it’s probably a good idea to look into the headphones!
Meg Murry
Is one person moving in with the other, or are you getting a new place together? Have to clarified which furniture you are keeping and which is being left behind or sold? I’ve seen couples get off to a really rocky start over the issue of whose couch was going in the living room or whether one person’s favorite item that the other person hated was making the move. Then deciding what to do with the rejected furniture and/or actually dealing with it before moving day can also become an issue – especially if one person advocates throwing it away and the other insists its “worth something”.
emeralds
New place. We’ve talked through some furniture and have already had some civil differences in opinion about the desirability of a certain peeling, fake green leather recliner’s position in our shared living room. I think it will not have a position, which is IMHO the correct decision ;) The couch will be low-conflict, fortunately. The one piece that I’m really nervous about is his coffee table–it’s ugly as sin but was a gift from his college athletic team to commemorate a big achievement, and is in the stereotypical bachelor-pad, crafted-with-beer-bottles mode. I can’t tell him to get rid of it. But I don’t want it in our living room. But I don’t have a good alternative, since mine isn’t going to work in the space either. I’ve just been ignoring it and praying he’ll voluntarily offer to have it in his office area…
anonshmanon
sounds like the perfect patio table? for BBQ?
emeralds
Ooh that’s a good idea, we do have a back patio and no outdoor furniture! I’ll propose that.
anonshmanon
lol, we also had quite a few discussions about furniture. And ended up searching for an apartment that could accommodate both sofas.
Pick your battles. Yeah, I do not enjoy him throwing his dirty socks on the ground. But he puts up with my habits. You get used to it. If we feel like an annoying habit can lead to actual resentment, one of us goes “That thing you’re always doing really annoys me” and then the other trades “I will try to work on it, but can you stop doing x in return?”.
Don’t assume that one set of house rules, once agreed upon, will hold forever. Allow yourself to evaluate whether your system works, every few months. Like, maybe he agreed to do laundry, but you are very rigid about “the right way” to do it, so you silently judge how he does it. In that case, just switch, and he can vacuum instead. Not that something like that would ever apply to me!
Scarlett
My secret to domestic bliss is a weekly housecleaner & baskets in every room – empty ones that can collect the socks & shoes & stuff that gets dumped on the floor otherwise.
Do any of you have self-doubts?
I am trying to write a cover letter detailing how perfect I am for a job. As I write down my knowledge/accomplishments I keep thinking that I am exaggerating, even though I am not. Like analyzing a land disposition agreement at the end of a project to determine whether or not the city received all the financial compensation they were due. (I am not an attorney.) The LDA was a horrible agreement for the city but all I used was common sense, not any specialized knowledge of the law. And I was able to explain a 25% over 14% IRR hurdle which, to my mind, is just basic math, but no one else in the city’s legal department was able to figure out what it meant. And so I keep doubting myself and my abilities because surely I can’t understand that better than anyone else? All this is shooting me in the foot. This sounds so weird as I type but I am really struggling with the guilt that I could be over-selling myself. Does anyone have any advice?
Anonymous
Nah, lawyers are notoriously terrible at math. I worked with otherwise intelligent people who would panic at the very sight of numbers, and when my crim law prof (at a top 20 law school) asked our class if a blood alochol of .2 was over the legal limit of .08, the vast majority of the class said no. You’re good.
Anonymous
+1. If you are a lawyer who is not math-phobic, you are very special.
-The person whose job it is to explain math to judges, attorneys, and legislators
Moonstone
Pretend you are writing about a good friend, and it will be easier to play up your strengths.
emeralds
For most of my life, I thought I was awful at math, because I went through an intense school system where I worked my butt off to barely scrape a B in AP Calc. My best friend from high school periodically makes statements like “I miss Calculus sometimes. Solving the problems is so meditative and soothing,” to which I am like, hahaha, jokes are funny.
Then I entered the real world. Turns out I am totally fine at math. I’m usually the go-to person for statistics and data analysis in my offices; I enjoy working with data and pulling out useful information, because I enjoy backing up my practice with numbers, instead of just making a wild-a** guess. If you’d told me that in high school or college, I never would have believed you, because I had such a skewed sense of what “good at math” actually meant.
At this point I’ve come to terms with the math thing, but I’m still wrapping my mind around my alleged skill level with Excel. I would consider myself an advanced beginner. I can run basic data analysis, I can make charts/graphs, I can do formulas, but I haven’t nailed down things like pivot tables, VLOOKUP, etc. But then I do things like reconfigure a budget planning spreadsheet that made no sense, to do things like calculate the cost/person of attending the event (or whatever) and it blows people’s minds. I keep being like, no guys, it’s really not that hard! And everyone is like “But how did you make the graphs so quickly?”
All of this is to say that data analysis and a basic understanding of math are incredibly useful, and a lot of otherwise extremely competent humans in non-math focused fields act as if calculating percent change is some act of darkest sorcery. Congratulations, you have a fantastic strength that it turns out a surprisingly low number of other humans have!
Ally
Don’t get in your head; you probably are as good as you say. Most men exaggerate and would never hesitate to do so! If you need to, have a close friend or acquaintance proofread it to make sure it doesn’t sound c*cky. Writing about yourself is the WORST! Good luck.
Anon
Read up about impostor syndrome – it’s a real thing, and everything you describe fits. Several articles provide good coping mechanisms. You may never fully believe you’re as awesome as everyone says and that’s fine – it makes you keep working harder and thus become even more successful. But acknowledging you unnecessarily doubt your abilities will help you not shy away from new opportunities. You may still freak out each time you get a complex new job or assignment, but that just comes with the territory.
Anonymous
I know there are a handful of us in tech security here… anyone else at the Gartner conference in National Harbor, MD this week and interested in a meetup?
techgirl
No but coincidentally I am attending a Gartner clinic next week in house!
Anonymous
I just have to chuckle, because if I’m attending a Gartner “conference”, we just call it a family reunion :) We’re nowhere near the East Coast or technology fields, so I am amused whenever I hear the last name used in the business context.
Anon
This is such a First World Problem… but I feel like I’m always coming back to a mess at work after being on vacation. It’s so stressful that part of me feels like it’s not worth being out. This time was particularly bad, despite a lot of prep on my end, delegation and having coverage for certain things. If it matters this was a “I’m barely checking email” vacay. Any tips for minimizing the feeling of being slammed upon re-entry?
Anonymous
Come home on a Friday or Saturday, rather than on a Sunday. I like maximizing my vacation time, so it hurts when booking the ticket, but I’m always so glad I have that extra day or two to catch up on work email, as well as stuff around the house like laundry. Also, unless you’re on a cruise or something where you can’t check email without paying through the nose I find that setting aside 15 minutes a day to just skim through email and respond to anything urgent makes me a lot less stressed upon returning home, while still allowing me to disconnect and enjoy my vacation in a meaningful way.
Bonnie
I check email while on vacation, once in the morning and once in the evening. It takes me about half an hour but I’m much happier not returning to an overfilled inbox.
Anon OP
More context – not a lawyer or high powered; I’m in higher ed. I guess not checking email is the crux of my problem. I wasn’t on a cruise, but have just been trying to more clearly define the line between work time and my time.
anonshmanon
Do all the unread emails you return to require your attention? You might be able to reduce the amount you get, but also optimize your processing of the flood of emails. Are you on newsletters, info mailing lists that you don’t rely on? If so, unsubscribe, ruthlessly.
If you don’t want to unsubscribe, at least arrange the unread email by recipient and go through the mailing list mails(ours is sent to alluser@ institution.e d u) just by reading the subject line. Invitations for an event from last week, missing equipment or stuff like that can be deleted just by reading the subject line.
Check the settings of your email program. If you are CC’d on group emails, display the entire thread in a chain. If the first one is not relevant to you, or not anymore when you return, you don’t have to go through the 6 responses from various people.
Meg Murry
With permission of my boss, I extend my out of office dates on my email autoresponses by a day or two, (sometimes I’ll say “returning on or around June 22” when I’m actually planning to be back in the office on the 20th).
I also block off at least the morning of my first day back in the office, and often put a “tentative” appointment for that afternoon and/or the next day so I’m not scheduled with a million appointments the day I get back that I wind up going to completely unprepared.
If there are important projects that I’ve delegated and they aren’t crazy crunch time projects, I schedule a specific time (often after lunch that first day back) to meet with the people I’ve delegated to, so I have a little time to get through my emails and we can spend time catching up, rather than them coming into my office within an hour of me arriving and try to update me verbally.
But I hear you – sometimes I feel like all the relaxation involved with a vacation is completely eaten up by preparing to be out and then dealing with the chaos when you come back, and it’s almost easier to just be at work than take time off.
Blonde Lawyer
+1. I also have my leaving date one day earlier too. Out of office goes up the last day I’m in the office, that morning.
Shopping Help!
What does a summer student wear to a firm event at an art gallery that includes cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, a guided tour of a new exhibit, seated dinner and dancing??
I have nothing in my closet that seems to fit the bill and my internet shopping has been fruitless. Please help.
Shopaholic
Black dress, statement necklace and comfy heels?
Idea
Sheath dress. Light/dressy cardigan or cover or wrap
Carrie M
At the firms I’ve been at, 99% of the full time employees just wear whatever they wore to work. So if I were going, I’d wear a sheath dress to work and maybe change into nicer heels before the event.
Shopping Help!
It’s on a Saturday evening
Carrie M
Oh sorry if I missed that. Then I agree with TheElms – conservative cocktail dress, or just dress up a work sheath a bit more with fun accessories.
TheElms
A conservative cocktail dress preferably in a dark color. I’d be surprised if anyone actually dances.
Never too many shoes
*If* we are talking about the same event, they totally dance. I have seen it!
Cat
Black sheath dress with bolder accessories than you’d wear to the office.
Never too many shoes
At the AGO, perhaps? We can meet and do shots.
Never too many shoes
If the above answer is yes, I have been to multiple events of this firm and they are a pretty fun crowd, so you do not have to be super conservative. I will be wearing a black cocktail dress (with some cutouts at the neck) and metallic snakeskin shoes.
Shopping Help!
It is at the AGO! (what a small world). And thanks for the tip.
Nati
I have no idea what firm you’re talking about (am not a lawyer) but am also from Toronto and love seeing references to it here! Hi fellow Torontonians!
Never too many shoes
Toronto is such a small place in certain respects (I was born and raised in mid-town and everyone seems to know everyone from school or camp or sports). Shopping Help, I look forward to meeting you – you are at a great firm.
Anon
This was basically our exact firm summer party last year. I wore a conservatively-cut but bright coloured sheath (clearly cocktail-ish, not work-ish), heels and a statement necklace. SO wore a suit, no tie. Most people wore the type of cocktail dress you’d wear to a nice family wedding – not too short, not too much cleavage. Go crazy on the shoes and accessories, if you like.
Anonymous
After work or on a weekend? Are significant others invited? Until I got to “dancing” I thought you could probably just wear what you wear to work, but dancing suggests maybe a c-tail dress would be more appropriate. I would ask a female mid-level associate or the recruiting person what you should wear.
Shopping Help!
It’s on a Saturday evening and significant others are invited (though I’m coming solo).
Anonymous
Probably c-tail attire then. I would still ask someone.
I know I am overthinking this
I received a call last week from a company I have been doing freelance work for, asking whether I may be interested in joining as an employee in the next 3-6 months. I told him I would get back to him when I had a chance to think on it. The company is quite small and I hear they quite unexpectedly lost their largest client yesterday – I heard this from an employee in casual conversation. If this is true, they would not need me to join anymore because my work primarily supports this contract.
I had already scheduled a call with the company for tomorrow, but I am not sure how to approach the conversation. After having a chance to think on it, I would be interested in joining (though they have not made an official offer, so salary has not been discussed). If the call was not already scheduled, I would have waited a week or two so that they could feel things out. I am probably over-thinking this, but should I say anything more (or different) than “Hey, I had a chance to think about our conversation, I’d be interested if we can get the numbers to work.” Also, that’s a short call – anything else I should bring up or discuss?
Idea
There may be other clients in the pipeline?
Anonymous
Maybe I’m confused, but this call sounds like an interview, so yeah I think you need to say more than “Hey, I had a chance to think about our conversation, I’d be interested if we can get the numbers to work.” I think you need to ask them questions about the job for sure, and talk about why you’re interested in working with them.
Help!
I have a performance review in a few hours and just reviewed the written version in advance of the meeting. The review contains a criticism I do not agree with and I have several strong examples to back up my position (it’s a concrete criticism related to my portfolio of work and I can show why it’s wrong). How do I bring that up without sounding hostile to feedback? Is it ever possible to ask an employer to change a review?
Anonymous
Definitely go into the meeting with all the written documentation you have. Let the managers guide you through the review without arguing, but at the end when they ask if you have any questions or comments (this almost always happens IMO), bring up the thing you disagree with. Be polite but firm and point to the documentation you have. If they don’t ask if you have any questions, just bring it up before the meeting adjourns. But I would let them give their spiel first without interrupting (even if they touch on the incorrect point).
Yes, it is possible to get reviews changed. I did it once in Big Law, even though I had to go all the way up to the chairmen of the 1,000 lawyer firm.
ITDS
And to avoid sounding hostile, treat it as a misunderstanding or miscommunication, which you have the evidence to correct. This will allow them to save face and make them more likely to update the review.
Ally
Agree with this feedback and would also suggest that you sort of “theme” the response in a way where you believe that you ARE meeting these requirements with X and what else can or should you be doing so that they know that? Can you improve communication with your superior? You want to make sure that the constructive criticism that you receive is something you can improve and here, you’re doing it but it’s not being heard. How can I improve upon what manager has said considering I believe I am doing XYZ correctly? Or something positive that doesn’t sound too defensive. If that makes sense? Good luck!
hoola hoopa
+100
anonshmanon
Assume good intent. It will help you to not sound hostile.
“Actually, I was surprised to see the negative comment on my portfolio. I was wondering if there had been a misunderstanding? I brought here the final report from the XYZ project and also the numbers on the ABC program, which exceeded the target. Both are strong examples on how I contribute to the company on exactly this topic. So I what am I not seeing here?”
Ally
Agree with this feedback and would also suggest that you sort of “theme” the response in a way where you believe that you ARE meeting these requirements with X and what else can or should you be doing so that they know that? Can you improve communication with your superior? You want to make sure that the constructive criticism that you receive is something you can improve and here, you’re doing it but it’s not being heard. How can I improve upon what manager has said considering I believe I am doing XYZ correctly? Or something positive that doesn’t sound too defensive. If that makes sense? Good luck!!
Amanda
Any tips for being more assertive? I naturally do not want to rock the boat, and I can feel overwhelmed in situations where I need to be assertive. If I know a situation is coming, I can plan and prep for it and I’ll do ok. But most of the time the situations just come up, and I get very flustered. I think a lot of the time I question myself and whether my position is right.
Anon
Men do this all the time– do you think most men question whether their position is right? They more readily assume they are right, because why wouldn’t they be. I’m not saying do that all the time, but you should give yourself more credit and assume you are right. You are entitled to be there and take up as much space as anyone else. Your position is as valuable as anyone else’s, and you are right. Speak up.
Anon
I hate to say it, but I always ask myself “how would my husband react in this situation?” And then I say to myself “he would address the issues directly without being emotional and move on”. And then that is what I do. But like you, I am okay with it when I have time to give myself this pep talk but when I don’t I struggle more. I think this is something that just comes with maturity and experience. I’m 32 and feel like I’m must better at being assertive than I was as 25… I’m hoping to keep getting better. Just stay positive and be sure to stand up for yourself! People respect others who stand up for themselves and their positions.
lawsuited
If you can’t get into the habit of disagreeing in the moment, at least get into the habit of not agreeing if you’re not sure. Saying something non-committal in the moment like “Interesting thought, I’ll definitely think on that” or “I’ll look into that and get back to you asap” allows you to go back later once you’ve had time to plan and prepare your response.
Anon
Something I also do (on top of non-committal answers) is I play a lot of what if scenarios out in my head. What if X complains about Y to the boss, how will I react when confronted. What if co-workers get upset and they come in asking for a solution? Etc. etc. Even if none of these come to pass, when something surprising comes up I am much better at meeting the situation head on.
Amanda
These are all great ideas. I actually do pretty well with this at work, it’s more in personal settings where I really struggle. Thanks everyone!
TBK
Ugh. Second summer intern addressed me as Mrs. K in his introductory email. I figured the first guy was just really young (high school) but this guy is a rising senior in college. Early in our relationship my husband expressed confusion about how to use Ms. I don’t get that. It’s the easiest option. Call a grown woman (or really any female person over about 16 or so) Ms. unless and until she asks for something different. You don’t need to know if she’s married. You don’t need to know if she took her husband’s name. Woman = Ms. His mom is very old school Southern and always went by Mrs. K at work so maybe that’s the confusion. But these interns are a good 15+ years younger than my husband and me and I’d think Ms. would be more common for them even than it was for us. But maybe I’m just irked that movies etc. still have characters say “actually it’s Ms.” as a way of signalling they’re not married. Um, no. That just signals they don’t want to be addressed as Mrs. “Actually it’s Miss” would be the way to signal singlehood. (Btw, I’m not opposed to Mrs. in all circumstances. I’d prefer we just do Ms. for everything, but my kids’ doctor’s office for example calls me Mrs. K. I’m mostly ok with it when the person addressing me knows I’m married and knows I have the same name as my husband and is dealing with me in a very family-centric situation.
Anonymous
Correct him! I totally agree with you that Mrs is fine (but not my preferred salutation) in family-centric situations when someone knows you’re married, but has absolutely no place in the business world. Tell this kid that and hopefully he’ll stop.
Clara
I hear you.
Just know that despite the clarity of using Ms to us, it is not there for most people…. and especially for most men… and especially early in their careers.
Try not to get so worked up over this. Educate politely, without alienating. It works.
TBK
I do plan to politely correct him, but this is just something I get worked up about. I don’t believe that these very young men are intentionally being rude, but I do think that people in Hollywood or other producers of mass media know better. And if “Ms.” is just a different way of pronouncing “Miss” then we’re no better off than we were pre-Ms. A school I went to for a little while in 6th grade had this problem. I realized after a few weeks that all the married female teachers went by Mrs. and only the unmarried ones went by Ms. Even at age 10 this infuriated me.
Honestly the French and Germans (and Spanish?) have it right. They just adopted Mrs. for use for all adult women, married or not. That’s really the easiest option.
Cc
I feel like we are doing that though- with Ms.
Sure it will take a bit more time and there will be regional holdouts but at least in DC and Boston area everyone is a Ms.
I have not once been addressed as mrs in business correspondence or any mailing that is not a wedding invitation. Even some of those come to mr and ms
Terry
When I was in grad school I met an Iranian student who, when speaking, used ‘women’ to refer to married women and ‘girls’ to refer to both actual girls and unmarried women. I almost strangled him when I realized what was going on. But you know, it wasn’t his fault; he was using what he’d been taught in Tehran. Probably your interns are the same way: ignorant, not malicious.
Anon for this
I vote for ignorant and not malicious too. We have a lot of rising college senior interns this summer, and I am frankly amazed at how timid and intimidated and clueless they seem. We are a small but formal firm, and previous intern classes have had way more spark and confidence. Many of the current group act like this is their first time in an office environment, but I know from their resumes that’s not the case.
Anonymous
Probably just ignorant and not malicious, particularly given his age. But I worked somewhere where we had an intern who called me Mrs and that turned out to the first sign of some incredibly deeply ingrained sexism that resulted in a slew of inappropriate comments that made me and some other women very uncomfortable. So I’d say give this guy the benefit of the doubt but also keep your eyes and ears wide open.
Oh the places you will go
I went to law school in a state where a female supreme court justice cautioned audiences to not assume a woman’s preferred title. I was nodding along assuming she meant Ms. She went on to say, “and don’t be afraid to say, actually, it’s Mrs.” Her preferred title when not going by “Justice.”
I know two younger women (no kids) that prefer Mrs. as well. One thinks it carries more gravitas. People will think she is older and more experienced if she uses it. The second says “I’m as proud of my marriage as I am of my career.”
I think it can be hard because people here so many mixed messages. Not everyone is on board with Ms. Some people are offended by it. I think Ms. is the way to go unless someone tells you personally that they prefer something different. Luckily, my state is one of the few that tends to refer to lawyers with titles which avoids the issue all together. Attorney Smith fixes that problem. After the first few emails we are all on a first name basis anyway.
TBK
I don’t have any problem with people who say “I prefer Mrs.” But people are offended by Ms.? What’s the basis for that? I’m asking an honest question. I’ve never heard of that before.
Anonymous
A lot of people in my red state are offended by “Mrs” because they think it’s overly PC. But they also don’t like feminism and they support Donald Trump, sooooo…these are not people who are cool with over-achieving ch!cks in general.
Anonymous
I meant, offended by “Ms”!
Oh the places you will go
That you only use Ms. if you don’t know if someone is married or not and if you know they are married and still use Ms. you aren’t recognizing their marriage or something like that. Much more common in highly religious circles. It’s seen like taking off your wedding ring. Ms. refers to you in a way that implies you may still be “on the market” and is thus insulting to your marriage.
I do not subscribe to this theory of thought. To me it further exemplifies why it’s sexist since there is no male equivalent.
To that I was told the male equivalent is “master” versus “Mr.” but when is the last time you heard a boy over 12 referred to as Master? Certainly never in a business context.
Anon
If you have an online profile, they might have done their due diligence and looked you up, found out you are married and called you Mrs. in an attempt to give respect. Giving them a lot of credit there, but it’s possible. Before the Ms. thing was explained to my husband he would do that and when I found out, I laughed at him.
Many people don’t know that a lot of women choose to use Ms. Or they were taught that Mrs. is always used when someone is married. That being said, you can do them a favor and just tell them that most women go by Ms. despite marital status. They will probably appreciate it.
Anonymous
Some people just don’t know. Shortly after I started dating my now-husband, I was horrified to learn that he addressed his female colleagues that he wasn’t on a first name basis with as “Mrs.” But nobody had ever told him that it wasn’t ok. (And his parents are very liberal feminists, so it’s not just conservative people who don’t know that Ms. is correct.) Especially since this guy is very young, just educate him and don’t hold it against him.
Anonymous
+1 – I think it’s a thing women discuss among themselves, post-college, but I don’t think it is a discussion that permeates the gender divide very well. Usage of Ms. as default title for a women is still pretty working-world focused (people having lots of different social-world preferences), and if the young people are just entering the working world, it’s one of those conventions they will not have picked up on.
So, you can blame Hollywood for it as much as you can blame them for anything that sets the wrong expectations for the office environment.
CountC
Honestly, I didn’t know in as great detail as it appears a good number of you do until I read it here. I hardly ever address people outside of using their first name though, so maybe that’s it? 10 years ago I would have defaulted to Mrs. because I thought that’s what was right (no idea where I got that impression). None of this was ever taught to me and I’m not sure who would have been the right person – I suppose my parents? I all adults Mr. and Mrs. for as long as I can remember. My dad is from England (not sure how it works there) and my mom is somewhat informal (with Belgian off-the-boat parents). Anyway, my whole point is that I don’t think this education is as common as you think it might be.
Lyssa
I agree that I don’t think that this is something that people are commonly educated in. (And, unless someone puts a rather absurd amount of emphasis on it, I really can’t hear the distinction if it’s spoken.)
I would blame schools, if anything. Not that it’s their fault, per se (though it could be explicitly taught in English classes), but when you’re a kid, you divide the world into titled people and first name people, and most of those titled people are teachers, most of whom are married. I imagine that I must have had a few unmarried female teachers in school, but no one drew attention to them using a different title, so it certainly didn’t sink in at all.
I’d advocate just dropping Mrs. and Miss entirely, but no one listens to me. :)
hoola hoopa
Agreed.
I’ve found that most men I’ve encountered didn’t even realize there was a different meaning to Miss, Ms, and Mrs. They genuinely thought it was either a matter of age/status or just different spellings of the same thing. Based on my experience, I’m guessing he thought he was giving you the most reverent salutation.
I find going into the details of the shades of meaning is not very helpful. Instead, my standard line is “In a professional setting, always use Ms. unless asked otherwise.” They seem happy for the tip.
Gail the Goldfish
funny story on how I first learned this was A Thing. As an older teenager (or maybe it was even in early college), I read the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter novels, in which the main character at several points corrects someone as “actually, it’s Ms. Blake, not Miss.” As I’ve mentioned before, I had always thought these were pronounced exactly the same (I’m Southern) and I was so confused by this line that I had to go look up what the difference was and why the author was making a point of this. So yea, it’s not really something you learn in school, at least not in the South.
Senior Attorney
Good Lord.
I am gobsmacked by all of this. Maybe it’s because I’m out here on the Left Coast, but I seriously thought “Ms. is the only proper form of address for women in the workplace” was settled decades ago. And I honestly can’t remember encountering “Mrs.” in the workplace since, maybe, 1979 when I was working a temp job in the summer.
TBK
Yeah I’m a native New Englander and I thought the Ms thing was a done deal, too. I was shocked when I was dating my husband and he told me his mom goes by Mrs. K at work.
I think some of the confusion over Miss/Ms for my husband was that, with lots of southern family, the pronunciation of Miss and Ms was the same. So he honestly didn’t know there was a difference until he went to law school (where professors often address students by Mr./Ms. Lastname in the classroom) and he had a few married female classmates who were called Ms. in class.
Anonymous
I am surprised that anyone, anywhere still uses Mrs. in a professional setting. I work with courts all over the country and I have never, ever had a judge address me as anything but Ms.
Anonymous
I’m in Boston and didn’t realize this was a thing but the opposite way. Most women I know who are married go by Mrs. I know many who are insulted by Ms. I suppose I know for the majority of people before addressing them formally, so it rarely comes up, but still. I also don’t think about it much because I don’t really care when people address me as Mrs. (though I’m single), I care more about my name being incorrect!
MU JD
I’m in Wisconsin and I’ve never in my 25 years of working in professional settings heard someone referred to as Mrs. That ended after elementary school.
Marion
Maybe I’m a bit juvenile but I really enjoy it when people address DH as ‘Mr Marion’ and I get to tell ‘I figured that getting married didn’t change his identity so I let him keep his name – Mr Smith’.
The only thing that bugs me more than a misplaced ‘Mrs.’ is a misplaced ‘Mrs Smith’. Especially in a work context where I was well (well) established before I got married.
In-House Europe
Anyone want to shop for me? I have the Michael Kors Jet Set (Jetset?) bag – the one with the zippered middle pocket that fits a laptop. I love it but am ready to get a new bag. I want something similar – i.e. that I can fit a laptop in so I can use it for business trips – that isn’t quite so trendy as the Jetset has become. Any ideas? Bonus points for an EU brand… :)
techgirl
Ditto’ing. I also don’t like using the MK for travel as if I needs to go in overhead locker the entire bag doesn’t close up and risks falling and spillings its contents everywhere
kag
Tory Burch provides a similar model (American brand, but I’ve seen these bags in Dutch Bijenkorf, for example). Kate Spade and Ted Baker have cute shoppers too.
Anonymous
I have a Ted Baker bag and it looks nice, but the quality is disappointing. I would not buy another.
Anonymous
Dagne Dover
Lala
Knomo
mous
Anyone have experience with Girls on the Run?
SW
I have volunteered at a couple of their 5Ks and have some friends on the board of our local chapter. It’s a great program and the girls seem to love it. Do you have particular questions about it?
Wildkitten
I didn’t find one-off volunteer events to be a meaningful use of my time. Folks love to coach but that doesn’t work with a standard job schedule.
HSAL
I disagree – I have a friend who coached (and enjoyed it) and she had a normal day job. Perhaps it depends on the chapter. But she had one practice on the weekends and one at the end of a workday during the week. You might need a little flexibility to coach, but it can work.
cbackson
The chapter in my town definitely doesn’t have options for coaching unless you can be available at 3:30 PM on a weekday.
Anonymous
+1. That’s my city too.
Wildkitten
Yeah – this was the issue.
Anon
There are plenty of other ways to be involved. I can’t coach due to work, but volunteer on the race planning committee.
Kk
I fundraised for them, to run the Chicago Marathon a few years ago. They were super organized and had great support for the “sole mates” running that day.
The leadership varies, depending on the cities you’re in- I thought it was so well done in Philadelphia, but didnt’ agree with the DC group’s actions.
cyclist
I’m in DC also, and had a very negative experience as a volunteer running buddy. That was quite a few years ago (maybe 5 or 6?), but I figured there are plenty of places that welcome my time and effort, so I just moved on.
cbackson
Tried to post, but failed – the upshot is that my experience wasn’t great (so focused on being noncompetitive that you were discouraged from even encouraging the girls to keep running if they stopped), but I think it’s chapter by chapter.
I moved to a new town, and here you can’t be a coach or buddy unless you’re available weekdays in the afterschool slot, which rules out most people with a standard work schedule.
Hot Mess
It has hit the high-90’s where I live and I am a hot sweaty mess, especially dressed for work. I prefer pants because of lots of spider veins on my legs. My usual favorites (BR Sloan, etc.) are too close-fitting and heavy in the summer. What are your favorite light-weight business casual pants? Bonus if they come in tall. I’d rather avoid linen but I guess that’s better than sweating through my clothes . . . TIA
SW
I like tropical weight wool better than the stretchy material used in Sloan pants. The Vince strapping trouser is great if you’re willing to up your price point.
lawsuited
Lord & Taylor Kelly ankle pants are the freaking best – lightweight, stretchy, comfortable, don’t stretch out or get saggy, wash extremely well.
Biglaw PTSD?
I know I can’t be alone with this weird but real problem. I worked for large law firms for 5 years before going in-house to a great gig where I work with great, easygoing people. I previously always worked for partners who were described as “difficult.” I am now my own worst enemy. I freak out and get anxious over things that are, around here, totally normal, like scheduling a vacation, sending an email mistakenly, staying home sick for a day, going to the doctor, etc. Because, unfortunately, in all professional work environments until now, these things WERE a big deal, and any one of them could have been taken as “I’m not serious about my future.”
Does anyone have tips for calming down about this and getting adjusted to the way the rest of the world exists at work? It’s starting to make several people I regularly interact with tell me to calm down, which to me means it’s something I need to think about and work on.
Prior military
I 100% understand. Leaving the military for a regular job was difficult because culture, expectations, and work ethic were just so much different. It took time to get used to for sure. One thing that really helped me was joking about it with people and saying how glad I was in this much more relaxed job because you know, I got to sleep. Huge bonus. That way they knew I was working to fit into the culture – because I wanted to fit in – and also opened the floor up for people to give me advice on how they did business.
Ellen
Yay! Great dress Kat, tho I have to lose a few pound’s to fit into this!
As for the OP, yes, you need to lighten up. I was like this when I joined my firm, and as an associeate, I was ALWAYS worried about what I was doeing and how I was doeing it. Then I became a partner, and now I know that whatever I do, it is in the BEST interest of the firm, so even if I do mess up once in a while, guess what? So does everyone else, so BFD!!!!!
The military lady is also right. There, you are told what to do so you do NOT have to think for yourself that much, and when you go to the private sector, you all of a sudden have to make your OWN deciseion’s, b/c there is NO Major or Kernel to order you around. Dad was a Kernel who Never was able to become a general, but that was b/c he did NOT go the career route. He told me that the milatary was VERY regimented and you HAD to follow order’s no matter how dumb they were. So he did his time and then went to the PRIVATE sector where he learned to think for himself for the first time. He is NOW retired, haveing spent alot of time as a militeary contractor and consultant, and also haveing been a professor in a number of VERY prestigus MBA school’s around the country. He said just learn by DOEING, not by takeing advice from peeople. You will learn, he said. YAY!!!!
Clara
If it gets to the point of other people telling you to calm down… at work…. then this is something worth working on a bit more aggressively.
Sounds like you may have a bit of anxiety (big law PTSD?), and these things do not melt away overnight.
Start with basic things…. are you sleeping enough, eating enough, not drinking too much caffeine, exercising regularly?
If these scheduling items make you particularly anxious, try to get them done as early in the day as possible. First thing in the morning. Or else the anxiety will grow during the day. Maybe even save your favorite versions or your emails so you can just cut/paste them, if even writing them causes you anxiety.
Recently someone recommended an anxiety “work-book” that they ordered on Amazon. If you are self-directed, try that.
And if you feel that your anxiety is interfering with your work, or enjoyment of life, then think about letting your doctor know.
Anonymous
I agree. I was going to say that what you have sounds totally normal for Big Law refugees until I got to the part about other people commenting on it. I think you should check with your doctor and maybe find a therapist.
OP with BigLaw PTSD
Thank you both for this– I should clarify that it was two very minor social comments like “don’t worry about it, no big deal.”
TBK
My husband literally referred to it as my BigLaw PTSD. I didn’t sleep at all one night when a senior person at my new job pointed out in an email that I had a typo in the first draft of something I’d sent her. (A partner at my firm had given me back a 50 pg memo and told me to re-do the research from scratch because the fact I was missing a period in one of my citations on the second page made him question the competence of the whole thing. Now I think he just wanted more billables out of me.)
No concrete advice except to be aware of what’s going on. If you get an email that says “can you come by my office” notice if you’re freaking out because you think you made a mistake and are going to get yelled at for it. Maybe you did make a mistake and maybe you are going to get yelled at, but probably not. The things I’ve done that would be major disasters in BigLaw world that don’t even get noticed are mind-boggling (I totally missed prepping an issue for a boss testifying before congress — wasn’t my fault but that wouldn’t have mattered at my firm — and only got him a bullet point list at 11:30pm the night before testimony — didn’t even raise an eyebrow). The anxiety will fade with time. I’ve been away from biglaw for 7 years now and I’m mostly good. Some things still make me jumpy, but repeated low-key interactions and days and weeks going by without anyone freaking out over anything will help. Congrats for making it to the other side!
ace
How long have you been in the in-house role? I think this would improve considerably at the 6-12 month mark.
Anon
Agree. When I went in house, right around the 6 month mark I was still anxious, but had begun to “unclench” for a lack of better term. I still have moments where I have anxiety over things like talking to clients without any oversight, etc, but it has gotten better over time.
Anon
I had a more mild case of this (I was only in smaller town “Big law” for a year and a half), but to start with, you need to stop vocalizing your anxiety. Clearly your coworkers are aware of your anxiety about these things, and you are aware that they are not the norm in your new culture, so even if you think this is a huge deal, don’t vocalize that. You can think it, but don’t put it in the email/say it to your coworkers. You will adjust as time goes on. It took me a good 6-9 months to adjust.
Check-in with someone else
Reality check with someone with bigger problem? I switched to a nonprofit, and in one of the first conversations with my boss he talked to me about his infant daughter’s congenital heart defect and how she passed away at less than a year old. And how since then, no matter how much clients freak out (yes, NPOs have clients, too) he knows it’s not life-or-death. That was a big heads up.
If your new firm doesn’t have life-or-death situations but you do, definitely check in to find out how to prioritize, etc.
You’re doing great.
Anon
Well, after a month of having “hives” and going to the doctor, we have learned that our house has a bedbug infestation. Ughhhh… (I was suspicious about the timing of the hives, etc., and I called an exterminator that specializes in bed bugs.) Interestingly, I was the only one getting the welts out of my family of four.
The exterminator is coming today to do whatever they do to get rid of them- steam treatments, dusting of chemicals, covering mattresses, vacuuming, etc. Does anyone have any words of encouragement or advice?
It has been one of those weeks where I just feel like work and home life is exploding around me. The plight of the working mom (and dual professional couple) is real. This is about to tip me over the edge.
anonshmanon
You are going to be OK. This is not medically dangerous. It is also not a sign of poor hygiene. You guys probably cought it from a hotel.
Sending hugs!
emeralds
+1. I also dealt with bedbugs in the last six months. Still no clue how they got into my apartment or where they came from. It was a hassle to box or bag up all of my clothing, but doable. I ran the dryer a lot but I got through it. You will, too!
emeralds
Oh and this is a situation where I would also say cool it with the Google. I got myself really freaked out with some of the stories I was reading, and it ended up being a pain for a few weeks while they did the three rounds of treatments, but nothing awful.
Anonymous
We had them last year and did a heat treatment. It was fairly expensive (~$1000 to treat one room) but the actual treatment was a nothing in terms of time and effort. We didn’t have to box or pack anything up. On the day of the treatment, we just showered, put on clothes that were fresh out of the dryer (heat in the dryer kills them) and left the house with our pets, while the exterminators did their thing. It really couldn’t have been easier, except for the damage to our wallets (and we eventually got reimbursed by the hotel where we got them), and we never had any more problems after the treatment. I definitely had a nervous breakdown when we found them and thought me might have to burn the $10,000 worth of furniture we had just purchased for our new home, but our exterminators were really reassuring and told us that bed bugs really only like areas where you sleep. So unless you’re falling asleep in every room in your house, they’re going to be confined to your bedroom, and heat treatments are very effective at killing them without having to get rid of mattresses or furniture or anything like that.
Good luck! You’ll get through it! (And I’m the only one in my family who got bites too. They prefer women. Periods, childbirth and bed bugs…so much fun being the fairer sex!)
anon for this one
We had them too, they came in from the next door town house to ours and spread to the two adjacent to us. Scary. My husband did not get bites, only me. (more anecdota that they prefer women). Along with our neighbors on the other side, we tried the heat treatment and it did not work. The pest company fortunately refunded our money and did an old fashioned chemical treatment, something I was not excited about, but it did work. We kept stuff in giant ziplocs and ran the dryer a lot. I repeatedly had creepy crawly sensations. Wine helped. I did buy a steamer and do my own self help on our couches, but I think that just made me feel better more than anything.
As a result of this fun experience, I will check mattresses for the “signs” at Hotels and avoid putting my luggage near the bed if at all possible (and use the luggage stand to elevate it from the floor).
You will get through it. On a positive note, I tossed a bunch of junky clothes I should have got rid of years ago (after decontaminating it in the dryer of course to not spread through the trash and anyone who takes things out of the trash). Also, it is not your fault. Our neighbors think they got it from a hotel. Unfortunately they tried a bunch of “natural remedies” that did not work and the critters spread to the adjacent houses. I live in a big city and know a lot of friends who have been through this. Its like a weird club once you “disclose” to someone, lol.
Anonymous
Other things you can do to avoid picking them up in a hotel:
-Check the Bed Bug Registry and avoid hotels that have recent reports or multiple reports (I also avoid Air B&B and the like because there is no equivalent registry for them)
-When you return home, don’t take your luggage to your bedroom. Immediately put all your clothes in the washing machine and cover the luggage itself in a plastic bag and put it somewhere like the basement.
-“Cook” your luggage in your car before bringing it in your house. Bed bugs die quickly around 115 Farenheit and on a warm day, it’s not hard to get your car to that temperature if you leave it in the sun.
-Shower (and bathe pets if applicable) after returning from a trip and before getting in bed.
Anon for this
I need some advice from the Hive. I am a fourth-year who works for a small firm. I live in state A but work in neighboring state B. I am the only attorney employed by my firm that practices in my particular practice area. I have been here for about six months, and am just starting to build a practice. I have been feeling adrift in my current job, and am regretting leaving my government job. I spend two hours a day commuting. I’m not willing to move because I am very happy in the city in which I live and have personal ties there. I have been looking for work in my home city, but I am not barred in State A.
An acquaintance of mine reached out to me last week and asked if I was interested in applying for a federal clerkship in state A. The courthouse in which I work is 10 blocks from my current home, and the judge for whom I would work is very influential in and around the city. I am currently making less than what I would be in the clerkship. I sent my application, and I now have an interview. The clerkship is a four-year term.
I feel silly for even worrying about this without a formal offer. BUT my firm has recently lost a number of attorneys, so I’m anxious about even flirting with this opportunity. Would it be career suicide to leave a job I’ve only been in for six months knowing that my firm is ill-equipped to handle the transition? I have no intentions of living and working in state B again, but I don’t want to burn professional bridges. That being said it’s a federal clerkship in my home city.
Anonymous
I don’t know how this is an even a question. Leaving what sounds like a struggling firm for a FEDERAL CLERKSHIP is not career suicide. It’s the opposite. Even setting aside the personal perks of a bigger salary and much smaller commute, I would do this in a heartbeat, but with those things this is a slam dunk.
And take the bar for State A during the clerkship so you’ll be well-positioned to get a job closer to home when the clerkship is over.
anonymous
Yes, pursue the clerkship hands down. There are literally no downsides. Your firm will be just fine.
Anon
Nope. This is a business decision that you are making personal. The firm is looking out for the firm first, not you, so you need to be looking out for yourself first, not the firm. I am guessing the other attorneys that left weren’t concerned that they were leaving the firm in a hard position. It’s not like you are considering giving your notice via a viral youtube video – if they interpret you taking another position that is a better fit for your career goals as burning bridges, then all the more reason to get out ASAP.
Anonymous
What kind of federal clerkship is for 4 years?!?
But otherwise no it isn’t suicide and get off your butt and take the bar in the state you live in where you want to practice!
OP
I have taken it, but failed by 4 points. I am retaking it in February.
Anonymous
Good luck!!
Anonymous
A FEDERAL CLERKSHIP is an amazing opportunity!!! This is nowhere near career suicide. Give your 2 weeks’ notice, wrap up your cases/write transition memos, and GTFO!
Baconpancakes
Completely ridiculous to be this happy over something so dumb, but I snagged a Tumi ballistic nylon tote at the outlets for $150, and I wanted to share with folks who would get it! My bags normally look like they’ve been through a war after a couple months of use, so I figured I could justify saving up for it before I started interviewing again next year, but I’m so glad I went into that outlet store!
Anon
Just need to vent…was involved in a minor car accident this morning. A car was turning left into a driveway about 25 feet from a stoplight intersection and another car was behind it stopped. Car ahead of me (one that was stopped behind turning car) went through green light and I did as well. I was accelerating as there is a hill ahead and I didn’t notice stopped cars. Slammed into the one which then tapped the other. Apparently I am at fault for “following too closely”. Frustrated that I didn’t stop in time and didn’t notice the stopped cars. In either case, I’m glad no one was hurt and I am fortunate my husband can assist me with taking care of insurance, repairs (my car actually may be totaled), and support. Ok, vent over! Thanks for listening.
Nati
Don’t beat yourself up. It happens and it will change the way you drive going forward for the better. No one was hurt and it doesn’t sound like you were being negligent.
Cc
Well yes, you would be at fault for slamming into a stopped car. That said whether your fault or not, car accidents are scary and a huge pain. Glad you and everyone is ok and glad that you have support!
Idea
Yeah, if you rear-end someone, you’re nearly always at fault.
Also, if you hit someone while you’re making an unprotected turn across traffic (like a left-turn in the US).
Glad everyone’s OK.
anon
Yes, you’re at fault typically when you rear-end someone. I know it’s quite disconcerting, but the important thing here is everyone is ok. People do stupid stuff while they’re driving. Experiences like this make you do what you can to avoid doing the stupid stuff, as well as do what you can to anticipate/avoid other people’s stupid moves.