Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Belted Cigarette Pant

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

These high-waisted, belted pants look really fabulous, and they’re an unusual orange color — it’s nice to see something different from Theory. They’re made from a blend of viscose/virgin wool/elastane and come in sizes 00–12. They’re $395 at Theory, and Nordstrom (who notes, “Unique sizing; use size chart”) has them in black for the same price. Belted Cigarette Pant

A few lower-priced options are here, here, and here.

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Comments

  1. Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

    Made the move to New York! I have a few weeks before we move into a real place and before my internship starts so I have two questions:
    1) What is your favorite coffee shop to work from in New York?
    2) Best thing you read this summer?

    • Anonymous :

      For reading, the Hamilton libretto. I’m never going to get to see it until it starts being licensed to regional theaters and high school productions, so like 2030. In the meantime, I feel like this really gave me my fix (when mixed in with YouTube videos and listening to the cast recording).

      I want to read Chernow’s biography of Hamilton next.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      A Man Called Ove, Tell Me How It Ends, Where’d You Go, Bernadette (audiobook is awesome!), Born a Crime.

      • Thisperson1 :

        LOVE A Man Called Ove. And My Grandmother Asked… And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer but be ready to cry.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I just bought My Grandmother Asked. A Man Called Ove made me ugly-cry so I exprct all of his stuff will do the same.

    • Welcome! The best coffee shop will depend a lot on what neighborhood you’re in, because really, the best coffee shop is a reasonable walk from your home/home base. There is no coffee place worth a subway ride or cab fare.

      Best thing I read this summer was Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead. A close second was Lincoln in the Bardo, by George Saunders. The format of Lincoln in the Bardo was a little hard to get into at first, but became truly addictive once I was a little ways in.

      • Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

        Thanks! I hear that – but right now we are in temporary housing and exploring neighborhoods so I am all over the place. I haven’t ever been to New York besides for weddings so I have had good wandering time.

        • I like Grounded. Also Cafe Grumpy sometimes.

        • Anon in NYC :

          La Columbe is a good coffee shop, but I’m not sure if it’s a good place to work. Le Pain Quotidien (a chain throughout the city) is a decent place to work.

        • Anonymous :

          Where are you thinking of living?

          • Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

            No set ideas right now because we haven’t ever spent time in New York. My husband is doing pretend commutes during rush hour to different neighborhoods to see what the commute would be like and I am wandering to find neighborhood vibes that I like. Haha – so scientific I know but it worked for us last time in London (we moved there having never been there before). Other pluses include: near some green space + a nearby synagogue community.

          • Are you looking at Washington Heights/Inwood? Upper Manhattan has great parks, several synagogues – reform thru orthodox – and a solid neighborhood vibe. Darling Coffee in Inwood and Cafe Buunni in Washington Heights are both great independent coffee shops.

          • Where are you working? I would focus your search on neighborhoods that are “on” the same subway lines your work is. Having just one train in the morning (rather than switching) makes a huge difference.

          • Anon in NYC :

            Agree with Meg March. An easy commute makes a world of difference.

          • Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

            I 100% agree about the commute but I will have a full time internship this year that will switch locations around the city so I can’t really plan on my commute. My husband’s commute we can plan around and he tends to work much longer hours – so the shorter it is the better for both of us because then he can spend more time at home.

            Thank you for all the neighborhood suggestions! I really appreciate them!

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Oh, I loved Underground Railroad. Read it this winter. Absolutely deserved the Pulitzer. NYNY, although it’s YA, I’ve heard that The Hate U Give is equally as important and great.

        • Yes! I want everyone to read The Hate U Give. I think it’s the most lasting book I’ve read in a while – I still think about it regularly months after reading it.

        • Thanks, Sloane! I’ll totally check it out.

      • Yay Kat! I love Theory and these cigarette pant’s, tho the manageing partner does NOT let us wear pant’s to work execept if it is on Friday’s and there are no cleint’s comeing in and in winter and the temperature is less then 20 degrees. $395 is expensive, even for me, as a partner in a major NYC boutique firm, though. I hope others are NOT put off by the cost of these p’ants! FOOEY!

        As for the OP, I have NOT read any book’s lateley, but I can recomend to you a number of places where you can go for good coffee, again, depending on where in the City you live. I am most familiar with Manhattan, but when I was dateing a guy from Broookelyn, I did find a place or 2 over there which was cute, in Brookelyn Height’s and DUMBO. I think if I were goeing to work in Brookelyn, I would live in DUMBO b/c it has a great view of NYC and the Statute of Liberty!

        Anyway, I am hopeing to get a few day’s off with Myrna b/f Labor day, so that we can go to the Beach. I have a new bikini I want to show off ! YAY!!!!!

    • Eleanor Olphiphant is completely fine

    • Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

      My favorite books this summer have been:

      Drop the ball by Tiffany Dufu
      A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara
      American Gods by Neil Gaiman

      • Oh man, A Little Life. Such a perfectly, meticulously crafted novel. From a literature point of view, A+++. But so gut-wrenching. Definitely a book I will never stop thinking about.

    • If you are interested in a good wander, I recommend the far West Village – lots of cute little shops, and there’s a magical walled garden behind the Church of St. Luke in the Fields…you feel like you’re in The Secret Garden. It’s a lovely place to sit with a book and a coffee.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      My favorite coffee shop to work at was the Starbucks at Columbus Circle. The reason was that it’s 24 hours, and it’s weird and busy enough that I wasn’t going to do anything but my work. My now-husband was working at Columbus Circle and if he had to be in early (like 5 am) I would ride the subway down with him (from the upper upper west side, 102nd and Bway, which btw was a lovely place to live) and study from 5 am to 10 or so, and already have 5 hours of work under my belt instead of just getting my day started.

      Wow TL;DR, a 24 hour Starbucks might be good. There also is one on 103 and Broadway that was relatively roomy for a NYC Sbux. I sometimes studied at Strokos on 113th-ish and Amsterdam, but it’s kind of the worst. But they have a lot of table space.

    • For random wondering, try Tribeca around West Broadway and below. So many coffee shops and never that crowded. Everyone looks really cool and just makes me want to quit my job and hang out in a coffee shop all day drinking flat white, eating kale salads and chia muffins and working on my novel.

      Gotan on Franklin/W Broadway is nice & has a good lunch menu (and not infrequent celebrity sightings); Whoops on Worth right below Broadway is also a nice sunny place to spend the morning.

    • gator huntress :

      Disagree that no coffee shop is worth a train ride or cab fare. I live in Tribeca and make a point of visiting Kobrick and Intelligentsia (Chelsea) and City of Saints (Greenwhich). As an added bonus, the latter has donuts from Donut Plant. If you’re in Tribeca, Kaffe 1668 is good too.

  2. Running posture Q :

    I’m used to running as something you just went out and did. I’ve run some 3K, 5K, and 10K races and never put much thought into it. And I’m used to running in sports in bursts where you lean into the run (e.g., tennis, hockey, soccer, basketball).

    I’ve lately noticed some runners with almost a Riverdance like posture — straight up and down and the upper body doesn’t seem to move.

    Am I just a hot mess with this full-body running? Or is Riverdance-style running a thing (or even the right thing)?

    • I have been taught that you should be leaning into the run and that your legs should extend out behind you with your foot landing below your hips vs your foot reaching out in front of your hips when you step forward. When I feel myself reaching, I force myself to lean forward a bit with my upper body.

      The only time I run with my body straight up and knees up in front of my hips is when I am purposefully doing high-knee exercises. It seems that style would use a lot more energy and not be very efficient. It also seems that it is a style that makes you more prone to injury, but I am just an amateur runner (albeit one who has seen a running coach and had an extensive gait analysis).

    • Longtime runner and in my opinion, your form is your form. Intentionally altering what comes naturally to you is inviting injury. Working some high intensity bouts (hill repeats, intervals) and uneven terrain into your workouts will improve your form’s efficiency.
      One other related aside- when I had super long, thick hair, my race pictures looked sort of like what you describe, but that’s because the weight of my braid was pulling my head back a little further than what it might have otherwise been. Now that my hair is shorter, my head is in a bit more ‘natural’ posture.

      • YMMV I guess. Unfortunately, my natural gait was causing injuries for me (I am naturally a crosser and a reacher). Once I adjusted it, my injury issues stopped. I changed it slowly so as not to create new issues.

      • Agreed. In general, unless you are experiencing injuries related to your form, you shouldn’t try to change your natural form dramatically. Even at the professional level, there are runners who’ve been sidelined for literally years as a result of trying to alter form. The years when everyone was super into barefoot running and everybody was convinced they needed to try to be a forefoot striker were the worst, IMO – it’s soooooo easy to hurt yourself trying modify your strike pattern.

        • +many, do not mess with your natural form unless a doctor or PT who is experienced in working with runners tells you it will help a specific injury that you have had on a recurring basis.

    • I don’t know if my running style qualifies as what you call “Riverdance” style, but I do try to keep my shoulders back and my posture strong while I run – I don’t think it particularly helps my running but mostly serves as a reminder to resist my natural slouching tendencies.

      • I used to do this until I learned I’m actually flaring my ribs which is a big no-no. It’s possible to overcorrect slouching.

    • Delta Dawn :

      I’m not a runner (for many reasons, most of which have to do with general laziness), but did this make anyone else think of the Friends episode where Phoebe and Rachel go running? “So, Phoebe runs weird, huh?” “Like you’re running to the swings! Or running away from Satan! The neighbor’s dog.”

      • HAHAHA I do the Phoebe run as a joke when I am trying to embarrass someone in public (because I am a jerk).

    • There are certain form things that are helpful to work on – don’t clench your fists, relax your hands; relax your shoulders; don’t cross your arms over your body, keep them at your sides. Those to me are things that are helpful because they save energy/relax you. At this point in your life, unless you are trying to qualify for Boston or something (in which case, hire a coach, don’t listen to strangers on a non-sports related webpage), your stride and form are kind of your form.

    • SF in House :

      Was it Chi Running? http://www.chirunning.com/what-is-chirunning/

  3. Glacier NP Tips :

    I recall that some ‘ r e t t e s have visited Glacier NP. I would love any tips or must-sees that you have!

    I am staying in Kalispell for three nights and near Browning for two nights. I am in good shape and can do challenging hikes. I will not be camping, but I’d like to do partial or full-day hikes. I am also happy to wander around the towns if there are worthwhile things to do and see. I like beer :) I also am a vegetarian, so any food recs are appreciated!

    I will have a rental car, but plan to utilize the free shuttle whenever possible and, if need be, will utilize the pay shuttles as well.

    TIA!

    • I haven’t been to Glacier (and really want to go!). I just went to Grand Teton and found the REI guide helping in the daydreaming/just starting to plan phase of the trip. Here is the guide for Glacier:

      https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/glacier-np-visitor-guide.html

      • Glacier NP Tips :

        I have looked at that REI one, but I always like to hear people’s personal experiences as well. Thanks!

    • Make sure the Going to the Sun Road is on your list. I think there is a park trolley that will drive you, if you don’t want to drive it yourself. I believe there are hikes that branch off of it. And even if you don’t take it all the way across the park, starting at the West entrance (which is Kalispell, I think) still gives you the heart stopping ride up the side of the mountain to the Pass. Assuming it hasn’t closed when you go – it open late (May/June)/close early (Aug/Sep) if there’s still snow up in the pass.

      It’s a really spectacular park. I don’t know how much the wildfires in the West will affect your stay, so keep that in mind as well. When are you going?

      • Glacier NP Tips :

        Thank you! I have been checking road closures and as of today, the full Going to the Sun Road is open! I will likely take the park transportation so that I can truly be a tourist :) I am really looking forward to it.

        I leave on Sunday. Right now the wildfires are small, but I am keeping my eye on the closures and such.

        • In terms of wildfires, I was more thinking about air quality and haze. Because even if there aren’t any locally, winds could still be picking up and sending stuff that direction. But yes, watch for closures. It’s been a pretty dry summer.

          I would also presume you are watching the temps and planning for layers :)

          You can also try for local Flathead cherries, which are really just Bing cherry varieties but they’re local! There are a bunch of cherry orchards along the east bank of Flathead Lake south of Kalispell.

        • from the top of Going to the Sun, Hidden Lake is a great hike (so many mountain goats!). also recommend Iceberg Lake and Grinnell Glacier (from the Many Glacier area). Ptarmigan Tunnel is tough but fun. St. Mary’s (near Browning) has good hiking as well. Bring your passport if you want to cross the border into Waterton! Also, down near Two Medicine, the park is much emptier (and near Polebridge on the west side).

    • Haven’t been and would love to go, but my tip is to make sure you are prepared for bear encounters. I am sure there will be ample signs about it, but better to be prepared with bear spray, any noisemakers, etc. before you all all geared up at the trailhead. Also consider bringing a small portable tripod for setting up group pictures with amazing backdrops.

      • Glacier NP Tips :

        Check, check! It’s just me, so no group pics, but a tripod would still be useful. I suppose it would be nice to have some pics of me in the landscape vs just the landscape.

    • I did Glacier a few years ago in August. Free form thoughts. Glacier is AMAZING. I can’t wait to go back. I grew up in California and have been to a lot of the Western Parks, but it’s the park that just took my breath away. (I love many other parks too, but dayum, Glacier is awe-inspiring.)

      Glacier is really crowded in terms of parking, so if you need a spot in a particular lot at a particular time, I recommend you get an early start. From Kalispell getting to the other side of the park takes several hours because the speed limit inside the park is 25-25 mph, and then you stop a lot too. So, for instance, if you want to go to Lake McDonald, you can go around the park (note the highways are not terribly direct, but the speed limit is 75 or so) and drive highway speed, or you can go through the park. I grew up in the canyons of LA, so switchbacks don’t faze me, but if they do faze you, then the Going to the Sun Road will be HARD to deal with driving wise.

      Bear Spray: Bears in Glacier are no joke. I went around a bend on a train and came face to face with a yearling grizzly running toward me (he was running away from a hiking group in front of me). He was not angry, but…I, obviously in complete fight or flight mode, ignored all bear advice, ran around the corner and up off the trail screaming, “BEAR! BEAR!” to everyone behind me. Do not hike alone. Do not sleep in soft-sided tents. Take bear spray; wear bear bells; hoot and holler and clap or sing to let bears know you’re coming–it feels weird but must be done. Heed warnings if areas are closed for bear reasons. Do not watch Night of the Grizzlies before you go. (OK, maybe watch it, but it’s terrifying, and it’s true, and it happened in Glacier).

      Sunscreen and water:
      It’s really high and dry there. Make sure you have excellent sun protection and you carry way more water than you think you need. You will need it.

      Planning hikes:
      Start very early. Note thunderstorm forecasts. Understand whether hikes are better done one direction versus the other due to elevation changes. Know if you are attempting a view hike and wildfires are going to impact that view.

      Things I loved:
      Driving the Going to the Sun road (over and over! loved it!!!); Hiking the HighLine Trail from Logan Pass to the Granite Park Chalet and and down (this is a full day hike–highly recommended by friends and did not disappoint! If you do one full-day hike, do this one! Bring cash to buy cold drinks at the chalet, and bring a lot of extra socks for blisters); Hiking to almost any of the glacial lakes, including the quick hike from Logan Pass to Hidden Lake; Guided ranger hikes (check the newspaper you get at the entrance on which hikes are which days); Sunset cruise on Lake McDonald; Bear Spotting from Many Glacier’s deck using the scopes; kayaking on Lake McDonald; eating all the huckleberry ice cream and huckleberry everything; brunch at East Glacier.

      Also, if you have more time, Watertown Park (in Canada) and the Prince of Wales Inn was absolutely in the Top 5 most stunning places I’ve ever been. Worth the drive if you have a day for it. I fully intend to veg out there at some point–it’s so incredibly stunning.

    • I wrote a really long reply, it’s in moderation, check back later.

    • You will have a lovely time! Glacier is spectacular. I was born and raised in Montana so these are some of my old stomping grounds. I highly recommend heading down to Flathead lake (not in the park but not a bad drive from Kalispell). The water is so clear and unlike Lake McDonald (in Glacier) it is warm enough that you can swim in it.

      Like other posters have mentioned, bears are no joke. Especially if you are planning to hike by yourself. Here’s a good guide to some of the hikes. A number of them are geared more towards backpackers but there are some good recommendations for partial/all day hikes: http://www.greatfallstribune.com/story/outdoors/national-parks/glacier-national-park/2015/06/08/favorite-hikes-glacier/28688631/

      • I’d also recommend checking in at the visitor’s center for hike recommendations once you are in Glacier. They’ll know if any trails are closed due to bear activity (eg. if there was a kill that is on or near a particular trail and bears and other animals are feeding they will temporarily close the trail).

        • Glacier NP Tips :

          Thank you! I bought the Hike 734 map also, which has recommendations and other good stuff. I will have to hike alone to some extent as I am traveling by myself, but I will have my bear spray and I will make LOTS of noise!

          • Do not hike alone. It’s summer. Ask any group you come along with on the trail if you can tag along with them. Hiking alone is truly very dangerous. I thank my lucky stars that the Grizz I met was an inexperienced yearling and was not aggressive. It could have turned out totally differently. When he stopped, and I was off the trail, he was less than 15 feet from me. He stayed there for almost 10 minutes. All of us had our bear spray out, but let me tell you, a can of spray does not really make you feel safe when you are staring down a bear. I still have the ranger warning paper they hand out that says in big letters, “DO NOT HIKE ALONE.” I could have died that day. (I was alone–I just happened to be on the HighLine Trail between big groups. Go on the guided ranger hikes if you have to. Or just make friends–the trails are very busy this time of year. Don’t be stupid. I was. And I’m lucky.

          • The ranger-led hikes that MJ mentioned are a great way to avoid hiking alone. They may move a little slower than you’d like, but to me it was worth the trade off. I also second MJ’s enthusiastic recommendation for the Highline trail. I would vacation at Glacier every year if I could!

      • Also a MT native. Hi! :)

        You kind of can’t go wrong in Glacier. If you have a half day you might do a float trip (I like Glacier Guides/Montana Raft Company – they do whitewater floats but you can also rent gear from them.) Eddy’s Cafe in Apgar has good ice cream although for any supplies you’ll pay less by going back out to West Glacier. There are ranger talks in various places in the evenings which can be fun. You can rent bikes in Apgar – the trail riding is pretty good.

        In Browning be sure to seek out Native-owned businesses if you can. Sometimes people are wary of staying on/near the reservation but I wouldn’t take those concerns to heart. It’s a great chance to experience a less touristy part of the area.

        In Kalispell your best ice cream is Sweet Peaks (realizing I have a one-track mind) and Moose’s Saloon has decent pizza and lots of atmosphere. Mackenzie River has better pizza but no sawdust on the floor. Whitefish is kind of fun and artsy – Lulu’s Cafe is funky and has delicious pie and good breakfast/brunch.

    • Shenandoah :

      Not sure if you’re still checking this thread, but my favorite hike in Glacier was up through the Ptarmigan Tunnel and then to Iceberg Lake after the tunnel. Both of those hikes in one day were around 16-18 miles total. So it was a full day of hiking but with ample time to take in the sights and stop for lunch/snacks. But definitely bring bear spray! I went in early September and saw very few people on the way up to Ptarmigan Tunnel, and the trail at times is very narrow and densely wooded.

  4. Oh man these pants :

    I think that they would great as stirrup pants, if it were still the 1980s.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I am….not a fan.

    • Are my jeans too tight? :

      I wouldn’t wear them, but I think they are a great cut pant if they work for your figure. Classic, actually.

      Give me a cigarette pant a la Hepburn – anytime.

      The snide comments on this site…. really necessary?

      You don’t seem to understand how fashion works these days.

      It takes time, but you will learn that trends die fast, and finding classic cuts that work for your figure and colors that flatter you are what being fashionable are all about. As each decade passes, and fashion becomes more homogenous and is constantly ?reworking old designs, fashion becomes more fluid, flexible ….

      • Anonymous :

        I like them too – don’t think I could wear them because I don’t really do high waisted (i’m short waisted already, it doesn’t help my proportions. I really like the color.

        I also don’t see how these invoke stirrup pants any more than the last decade of skinny jeans.

      • This is super condescending. “You don’t seem to understand how fashion works…” “It takes time, but you will learn…” Who died and made you the arbiter of fashion knowledge? We all know trends change and fashion evolves. You don’t seem to understand how this blog works. (It takes time, but you will learn.)

      • OMG, anytime anyone voices an opinion on here, they get told off for being too mean. Deal with it, ladies!

      • Anonymous :

        Wow, was this supposed to be an example of the snide comments to avoid? “You don’t seem to understand how fashion works?”

    • Anonymous :

      I think you’d need a spiral perm and some Aqua Net. Strike that: all of the Aqua Net.

    • And see, part of me thought Austin Powers had a pair of these at one point.

      I think these could be super sleek in the black that Kat mentions. Not on my body, where “cigar e t t e” pants become “cigar” pants, but definitely on someone taller and slenderer than I!

      How would you style these for work?

    • I actually love these and this outfit.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I kind of love them and would totally try them in black if they were in my budget.

      I have a pair of BR Sloan pants in that color and wear them all the time in autumn and winter.

    • I also thought these looked very costume-y and 80s. Also not a fan (as someone who lived through the 80s and couldn’t beg my mom enough to find stirrup pants for me!)

  5. London Eateries? :

    I’m spending 24hrs on foot in London just to see the British Museum. Could anyone (I’m paging you, Puddlejumper) recommend places for breakfast and dinner? Lunch will probably be some place fast, to maximize museum time.

    • Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

      Wow, thats some dedication to the British Museum!

      The British Museum does actually have a few cafes. So if you really want to maximize your museum time you could eat right at the cafe there for lunch.

      What neighborhood are you staying in? What type of food do you like? How much do you want to spend?

      Breakfast:
      – The bacon naan (egg if you like runny eggs which I do) wrap at Dishoom with bottomless chai is pretty darn amazing. There are a million dishoom locations so there is probably one around you.
      -Honey and Co breakfast – save some room for a slice of babka loaf (the chocolate hazelnut one!) There is also Honey and Spice across the street from Honey and Co which opens at 9 am and does take away so you could get a delicious pastry and coffee for take away if you want to spend less time at breakfast and more time at the museum. Honey and Smoke their 3rd restaurant is totally not worth it.
      -If you want a pastry and coffee and not a sit down thing – Fabrique has the best cardamom rolls ever. They have a few locations.

      Dinner – Again depends on where you are staying/what food you want but I would do: Old Royd, Clipstone, Portland or Smokehouse for good examples of contemporary British food.

      • London Eateries? :

        Awesome list, thank you!

        It’s a side trip from Cambridgeshire, to get us out of the hosts’ hair for a day. We thought about trying to see more museums, but they all keep exactly the same hours.

        We will actually have extra time in the morning for breakfast, because we’re staying in London the night before. And I looove pastries, if you want to add othe suggestions, although the ones you listed are already making me drool.

        At dinner time, we’re going to have about 2 hours to get ourselves from museum to dinner to king’s cross train station. Do you think we’d be able to make it to any of those places, or are they the take-your-time type?

        • Anonymous :

          Do you have some particular love for this museum? I’d definitely spend a morning there and then go somewhere else in the afternoon.

          • London Eateries? :

            Maybe we will, if we get tired of it. Nat hist museum is second on the list. But my understanding is, it’s kind of like the whole Smithsonian institute- you’d need weeks to do more than just swe the highlights.

          • Anonymous :

            The natural history museum is, frankly, not great. Interesting building, just okay collections. The British museum is great, is just personally want to mix it up a bit!

          • I adore the Natural History museum and the V&A if you’re open to squeezing in two museums.

          • Agree that the British Museum doesn’t need a whole day of dedication. See the exhibits you’re interested in and then go to the V&A.

          • hmm… I will take the consensus under consideration. I guess maybe my family (who have all said, “only one day!”) are more hard-core museum-goers than I realized. DH is a classicist by education, but he’s also been before.

            I will solidify some secondary plans–the library sounds like a winner. And even though the Nat Hist museum is getting mixed reviews (here and elsewhere I’ve seen) they have a temporary exhibit on whales I’d like to see.

            Okay, I’m getting a little carried away. But that’s everyone! It’s so awesome to talk to people who have opinions on these things!

          • *Thanks*

          • I <3 the British library, if you want to do a small side trip near the British Museum. We spent about 3/4 of the day at the Museum and then took the bus ~3 stops to the library. (I'm a librarian and a lawyer)). The historical documents were stunning, especially the Magna Carta.

        • Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

          I don’t know your museum style but I think that 10:00-5:30 pm at the British Museum will be MORE than enough time. I think my brain would stop being able to take in the information. The max time any of my guests have spent there is 3 hours.

          BTW If you need an activity if you finish the British Museum early – I would go to the British Library. They have a free treasures museum which typically takes people 30-45 minutes and is open later than the British Museum too. It includes everything from the Magna Carta to Leonardo da Vinci’s notebook to handwritten lyrics from the beatles.

          If you like Indian food Dishoom is right at king’s cross but you can only make reservations if you are a party above 6 I believe, so depends on how big your group is. I would not try to do it without reservations because the line can be long.

          Clipstone and Portland that I mentioned above are in Fitzrovia so between the British Museum and Kings Cross. I would call to make a reservations and tell them that you will be arriving at ___ time and leaving at __ time and see if they think they can do that turn around.

          If not there are plenty of places very near Kings Cross – Granger and Co, Caravan that aren’t like meals to write home about but will be totally decent and enjoyable. Do get reservations in advance though.

          Pastry Places: Bread Ahead (donuts!), Nordic Bakery, Maison kayser

          • anon a mouse :

            +1 to the British Library. I love that place.

          • Husband and I spend LOTS of time in museums. I would spend the whole day at the British museum if it weren’t so busy, but I usually visit the Briish museum, and the B library OR the BMW and the National gallery. I would go to the British Museum first, and then before the Natioan l gallery closes, go see paintins from the Sainsbury wing, or from an era you enjoy.

      • I vote for Puddlejumper writing her recommendations for places to see and places to eat at in London! :)

    • Are you a Sherlock fan? Speedy’s is not far at all from King’s Cross–a nice leg stretch after a train ride–and has an enjoyable breakfast menu and decent espresso!

  6. Anonymous :

    How long am I supposed to be sore after a massage? Why do people like them????? It’s been 2 days and I am so very sore.

    • Did you drink lots of water afterwards? Take an epsom salts bath? There’s been once in my life I was still sore days later, but normally it’s not like that.

    • London Eateries? :

      Imho, you should not be anywhere near that sore after a massage. Massage therapists have a wide variety of skill levels, and it’s worth trying different ones.

    • Did you have a deep tissue massage? Maybe take some Advil.

      • +1 deep tissue and swedish massages can induce some soreness in your muscles that is like having a great workout. That’s normal, if that’s the type of massage. I occasionally have some soreness in my glutes after a great deep tissue massage, but I honestly think it’s the layer of booty covering my actual glutes that gets sore.

    • I don’t think you are supposed to be sore for so long…it’s possible your masseuse used too much pressure or a style that was not appreciated by your body. Massages should be relaxing and comfortable, maybe with a slight “good ache” from your muscles loosening up (unless perhaps they are to work on a very specific issues?). Find someone else and ask for a lighter touch next time. Generally in life, pain is not gain.

    • Puddlejumper (aka LondonLeisureYear) :

      Do you have an autoimmune disorder at all? Massages can trigger flare ups if the person doesn’t know what they are doing.

    • Yeah that’s not normal. People love massages because they feel GOOD!

    • I’ve had that happen – but I also prefer firm pressure, which can make that happen more often. I had one massage therapist do some active release work that caused muscle soreness (on par with the soreness after the first workout after a hiatus). So it might have been too much too soon.

      Agree with needing to drink lots of water after the day of. Epsom salts will help. Ibuprofen (800 mgs) will help. And, like a workout, sometimes the muscles feel it more 2 days later than the day of/next day.

    • Pen and Pencil :

      I tend to be sore for 2-3 days after a massage, but it is a good post-workout sort of sore. That being said, I only go and get a massage when my body is really wound up tight, and I typically walk out being able to stand at least an inch taller. On the occasion that I go to get a massage just for fun, I am usually only sore a day maybe two afterwards. Even though I am sore afterwards, I always feel better, and I always feel like pudding on the table. If you are experiencing more than some discomfort while they are working on specific knots and tense muscles then you are either holding too much tension in your body on a day to day basis, or you need to try a different masseuse/ask for a lighter touch.

      I also tend to be a light bruiser. Even with what my masseuse describes as medium to light pressure I come out with bruising afterwards on the places she had to work knots out of, so maybe that plays a part into it all.

  7. Favorite “desk sweaters”? My new office is very cold. It’s also business casual and I’ve traditionally had a lot more blazers in my wardrobe. Trying to branch out without looking frumpy. I often just wrap a pashmina around myself but I actually think a sweater would help it look more like an outfit.

    Extra points (but not required) if sold at Bloomingdales!

    • Wrap-like with a bit of structure, and a high quality material:

      https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/c-by-bloomingdales-cashmere-shawl-collar-open-cardigan-100-exclusive?ID=2638869&CategoryID=1004890#fn=ppp%3D%26spp%3D22%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D9%26spc%3D250%26rsid%3Dundefined%26pn%3D1|3|22|250

      or

      https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/c-by-bloomingdales-cashmere-long-open-cardigan-100-exclusive?ID=2629460&CategoryID=1004890#fn=ppp%3D%26spp%3D41%26sp%3D1%26rid%3D9%26spc%3D250%26rsid%3Dundefined%26pn%3D1|3|41|250

      or

      https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/c-by-bloomingdales-cashmere-zip-front-sweater-jacket-100-exclusive?ID=2639103&CategoryID=1004890&LinkType=#fn=ppp%3D%26spp%3D56%26sp%3D2%26rid%3D9%26spc%3D250%26rsid%3Dundefined%26pn%3D2|3|56|250

    • I took this to a recent conference and loved it. I’m thinking of getting more colors.
      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/caslon-drapey-knit-jacket-regular-petite/4504546?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK

  8. sharing your life :

    I’ve built an amazing life with my husband, but we’re a flight away from our parents. I’ve been feeling really sad lately that I can’t show my parents my life. They’re divorced, and for a variety of reasons, it’s highly likely that my dad will never be able to visit. This reality is slowly setting in, and it just makes me sad that I’ll never get to take him on any of our favorite hikes, or show him my office, or bring him to watch me do my hobby, or just sit in our usual park to grill. I just want to be able to show him I’m happy, because I know he’d be so happy for me. We talk on the phone and I send him pictures, and he’s always so excited to catch up. I just really wish he could join in person.

    My mom is just generally a bitter person, and so while she could potentially come visit, I feel like she would just scoff at what I think is a pretty great life. She generally thinks her way of life is the “best” way, and so she wouldn’t want to eat at any of our favorite restaurants because they have “ethnic” food, she’d think having to walk to a park to grill is too much trouble, she’d think my office isn’t very nice, etc. In her case, it just makes me sad that she would find some way to be unhappy that I’m happy.

    And I just think it’s sad. I always thought I’d be willing and able to share my life with my happily-married parents. I think the combination of them being divorced and circumstances taking a turn such that sharing is neither possible nor fun is just really sad.

    • Anonymous :

      Oh that’s such a shame! Why can’t your dad visit? Could you do a “Day in the Life” photo book for him- take pics of all your favorites, write captions etc?

    • Anonymous :

      There is a lot of sadness in this post, and I’m so sorry. Do you think that you’re simply grieving the loss of the future you thought you’d have, or is this a kind of sadness that also leaks into other areas of your life?

      • sharing your life :

        This sadness is pretty confined to sharing with my parents, but sometimes bleeds into wishing my close friends lived closer. I generally feel so blessed and a bit spoiled that I have the life I have. I think there probably should be some grieving over the difference between reality and expectations. My husband brought my sister out to surprise me one weekend and I got to share life with her, and it was such an awesome weekend. Maybe I just need to find some surrogate parents here :)

        • Are my jeans too tight? :

          You are so lucky…. you have a sister you love who can travel to see you. Sibs are often even more important than parents in the long run. They often live as long as you do!!

          Share your life with your sibs, with their families. It will be wonderful if you have kids, and if your kids have sibs.

        • YMMV on the religious aspects of this quote from John Piper, but I find it very powerful.

          “Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”

          • Thats a beautiful quote (and i’m not religious in the least). So nice to give the chance to mourn whatever it is you dont have, while still appreciating what you do.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I’m so sorry. If at all possible, it sounds like getting your dad out for a visit would be nice for both of you. Even if you have to move mountains, can you make that possible?

      And for your mom, that’s tough. It sounds like you have a wonderful life and home- don’t let her take that from you.

    • Anonymous :

      My husband and I both have divorced parents who aren’t a big part of our lives. His parents are elderly and have some health issues, which creates additional barriers. He spends a lot of time mourning the relationship he’d like to have with them, creating a lot of distress for himself. My approach has been to let go of expectations, try to create opportunities for my mother to spend time with our family, and then just accept whatever time we do get. I have also tried to create new traditions that don’t depend on other people–for example, my mother has stopped coming to us for Christmas after doing so consistently for many years, so after a couple of pathetic holidays at home alone we are going on vacation over Christmas. As a result, I’m a lot less bitter about the extended family situation than my husband is.

      • sharing your life :

        This a good suggestion, to make our own traditions. I think it’s letting go of the traditions you thought you were supposed to have that’s difficult. The guilt trip from my mom makes it harder to let it go, but I think I just need to put my foot down more, both to her and in my own mind :)

    • I’m really sorry; that’s so tough. My husband has a similar, though not identical, situation with his parents and I know it hurts him deeply. What you’re experiencing is grief and seems 100% normal and natural given the situation. But, if it becomes overwhelming, definitely talk to someone who can help you through the process and give you support.

      FWIW, I know so many people in their ’30s and ’40s who are grappling with the fact that their relationships with their parents are not what they hoped for. I’m not talking about toxic parental relationships, just ones that leave us feeling empty and let down. Just like they couldn’t change their kids’ inherent personalities, we can’t change our parents. :(

      • sharing your life :

        “We can’t change our parents”… Truer words! That’s so hard to accept, but definitely true. I have talked with several friends who feel disappointed about their relationships with their parents, so I know it’s a pretty normal thing. Which is unfortunate, because it seems like a lot of parents feel the same way about their kids. Humans are complicated!

        • It’s so complicated. I see my parents often, but I often mourn the fact that our relationships are very surface-level and I don’t feel that comfortable opening up to them about bigger issues. I’m trying hard to create a more open relationship with my own kids, but chances are, I will do something else that makes them crazy. It’s just hard. I have no doubt that I’ve disappointed them in various ways, too. I’m working on acceptance and having fewer expectations/wishes — but it’s not easy. And that doesn’t even factor in all the ways I wish my in-laws would change. ;)

    • I feel very similarly about my dad and my grandma but they’re both dead. I really hope this comment doesn’t come off as super Debbie Downer, but I think that you can acknowledge that while it sucks that you can’t share certain experiences with your parents, you also can still share a lot. Maybe less so with your mom because of who she is, but, even there, you can communicate that you are happy and I think ultimately it doesn’t matter if she thinks grilling in the park is weird, she will know her daughter is happy with her life and it sounds like that’s the takeaway you want her to have. (I have relatives who do not understand why I chose to live in a 2 bdrm apartment in the city when I could have a house with a pool somewhere nearby but they all know that whatever their thoughts I am happy with my choices).
      Does your dad have a smart phone? Facetime and photos is a great way to share your day to day. And see if you can get him to visit. Maybe your sibling can travel with him if mobility is an issue?

      • sharing your life :

        YES to people not understanding the 2br vs. massive house, that’s a huge part of why my mom doesn’t “get” my happiness. I’ve chosen a very different path than she chose, and she just fundamentally can’t believe that anyone could be happy with the type of life I’m living. (Weird, given that I work just like a normal person, I have hobbies and friends like a normal person, my husband and I hang out together like normal people… I don’t think my lifestyle is anything remarkable, it’s just not the McMansion, 2.5 kids, and a dog while volunteering at the church).

        I do talk to my dad ~1x per week on the phone and I do send him pictures, so I feel much more connected to him. After I posted this morning, I was actually thinking that it almost feels like one or both of them passed away, but they haven’t. But the sense that they’re never really going to be connected in the way I thought they would be is a pretty profound feeling, and so it feels wrong to mourn in the way you would if someone died, but flippant to “get over it” because your relationship is different than you imagined.

        • Anonymous :

          There’s a lot of space on the spectrum in between mourning a death and a flippant “get over it.” It’s OK to grieve, and maybe even grieve deeply, even though no one has died. ALL loss brings grief, even losses that aren’t death.

    • I think life is just kind of sad and difficult sometimes, no matter how happy we are most of the time. I read an article about grief lately that really stuck with me that talked about how the depth of your grief is directly correlated to the depth of your love for someone. It was comforting somehow.

      Also, I know that you feel like you’re not doing enough, but there were some things about my relationship with my mom that I didn’t understand until I had my own daughter. She bought me a present this weekend, something I really wanted, and she was basically radiating with happiness that she could do something that made me happy. Seeing your child happy is an intense joy for a parent, even if you aren’t there with them to experience it.

    • Anonymous :

      Your post struck a chord with me. I won’t rehash my similarities, but some ten years ago I wished I could share my life with my dad, but at the time he was committed to caring for my stepmother, who could not travel and suffered from an autoimmune disease. I wouldn’t have wished it on them, but she passed away three years ago and my father has just recently moved to be closer to me (now in a different location) and my husband and newborn daughter. I wish you luck that perhaps your circumstances will change–hopefully not in the same way as mine–and you will get the chance to share your life with your father in a way you can’t foresee now.

      In the meantime, as others have said, share photos, facetime, etc!

    • anon for this :

      I similarly have a parent who may not be able to travel to see me going forward. It sucks. Facetime is such a valuable tool–I call during meals and playtime with my kids. Frequent Facetime calls allows a much richer and closer relationship than just the phone.

      • This. Set your parents up with Facetime (Skype, Google Hangouts, etc) if they’re not already. My parents live half the country away from us, so we use Facetime to share our worlds (and our two young kids).

        – Dinner dates via Facetime – Literally just set your iPads at a chair at your table and eat a dinner together. Talk about your days and just generally eat together. You can also do happy hours or late night drinks (even if that is water) or whatever works with schedules.
        – 1 minute Facetimes – this is basically doing a quick Snapchat video but in a way your parents can see it. Just a quick “hey this is us at our favorite Moroccan place! ok bye!”. You’ll have to explain it to them beforehand, but it lets them see what you’re doing and put some visual context to your day.
        – Facetime during breakfast – this is more for young kids, but instead of the TV, I let them Facetime Grandma and Grandpa while I finish getting ready. Another small glimpse into every day life.

        The key is using Facetime to make it more visual, PLUS doing it at varied times of the day. There’s something more intimate about Facetiming in the morning before your days start, that makes you feel a real personal connection.

  9. Travel Agents - South America :

    Any recommendations for a travel agent specializing in South America – particularly Ecuador and Argentina? Looking to head that way this winter, but definitely need help!

    Thanks

    • Not sure if you’re still checking this, but we used Latin America For Less for a trip to Peru and were very happy with them.

  10. SF car options :

    Thinking of doing Labor Day weekend in SF. I was planning to just get around via Lyft, but would like to do a day trip out to Muir woods. What’s my best non-public transportation option for this? Rent a car for the day? (I don’t have Zipcar).

    • Yea, I’d probably just rent a car for the day.

    • There’s shuttle bus service from San Francisco. Parking can be challenging at Muir Woods so the park service encourages use of the bus.

    • Also know that the parking lot there fills up, so you want to go early. Do not expect to go there at say, lunchtime on a holiday weekend and be able to park. Not possible.

    • a millenial :

      lots of options for short term rentals: getaround, gig, car2go in addition to zipcar. car2go is my fav here because you can just park it o any public stree tparking space, doesnt have to be exactly where you got it.

    • blueberries :

      If you can get a bus, do so. The limited parking is no joke. Any available street parking for miles can also fill up pretty early.

  11. Anonymous :

    Any fun weight loss books? Like silly chick lit ones. Loved Jemima J by Jane Green for example. Spending a couple weeks really focusing on eating healthy and treating myself well and would love some entertainment for the journey.

    • Wanderlust :

      Dietland by Sarai Walker

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I haven’t read it but am (embarrassingly) dying to read Fitness Junkie. 😬

      • Anon in NYC :

        I did read it – it’s totally silly and what you’d expect. It’s fun. Borrow it from the library!

        • Nudibranch :

          Yes, agreed. It’s fun and silly, and definitely a library read. (A fun read but I’d have been ticked if I had purchased.)

    • I’m not sure exactly what you mean but it made me think of Hungry by crystal Renn. I really liked that book as an insight into all the crazy stuff models do to look like that. It made me more okay with how I look because I’m not going to do that. But that may be the opposite of what you want!

    • I’m sure this is not what you’re looking for but man, the Bridget Jones books are funny, even after all the movies.

    • Such a Pretty Fat, by Jen Lancaster, is hilarious. Basically, any memoir by her will have you laughing out loud.

    • Anonshmanon :

      Have a look at the pastaqueen blog. I love the quirky style of this blogger and back in her weight loss days she also published a book on the topic. Now she is blogging about life, albeit infrequently.

    • Anonymous :

      Watermelon by Marian Keyes. Not a weight loss book, but there is weight loss in it.

  12. How do you know if therapy is something you’d benefit from? I’ve got a couple of issues that are occupying more headspace than I’d like — garden variety stuff: mostly that my parents split a few years ago and a friendship that I counted on has fallen through. I’ve been going to yoga and reading Brene Brown and the like, but I’m not sure if that’s going to get me where I’d like to be. Meanwhile, I’ve started a new job with lots of travel and not much disposable income, so I’m resisting the idea of therapy… but maybe that’s silly. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

    • I don’t think anyone ever absolutely *knows* that therapy will work or is something you’d benefit from. That said, I actually think most people would benefit from therapy. It sounds like you’re interested, so my recommendation would be to go for it.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      To my mind, the *right* therapist is invaluable to … maybe not to anyone, but to most people. Speaking very (too) generally, we don’t often have a lot of support and guidance in our life that is not complicated. I imagine in other times people might have got that from a religious leader? But what is there now? My therapist has helped with some big things, but it’s also just so worthwhile to have someone help me figure out what I’m really feeling, why, and then what I might want to do in a particular situation. Sometimes we walk through situations, like, “OK, so if you called L, what would you want to say to her? And you’re afraid she would say what? But what would that tell you about her, if she said that?” etc.

      I think you probably can get that kind of support/guidance elsewhere, but I love that my therapist is a professional, that I have ZERO guilt about not asking her how her day went, and that she’s totally nonjudgmental. Unconditional positive regard and all that.

    • Does your insurance offer a telephone service with therapists? It’s where you call in and talk to them about anything on your mind and it’s 100% confidential. If they do, you might want to try it first if going to in-person therapy is too much of a time/money burden right now.

    • I’m one of the lucky people who found a therapist I clicked great with and she has been so helpful. I originally started seeing her for anxiety that was obviously a problem, but now that it’s under control I still go see her from time to time for the kinds of issues you described. It’s so helpful to have someone else help put things in perspective and give impartial advice. My therapist does evening and weekend appointments, and you probably wouldn’t need to go very often.

      If you decide to look into it, I’d spend a little time thinking about what kind of person you would feel most comfortable talking too. My therapist gives off almost a cool older sister vibe, and for me that’s made it feel like a very comfortable fit.

  13. Anonymous :

    any suggestions for places to stay in Carmel by the Sea? looking for something for under $350/night. I think we would prefer to stay right in the little downtown area, but could be persuaded otherwise. thanks!

    • Waltham homeowner :

      I stayed here : http://cypress-inn.com/ for one night last summer in between Yosemite and a wedding. The service was great, it’s a really cute hotel, it’s downtown and easy to walk to restaurants, galleries, and wine bars. It’ll be right at or maybe above your limit depending on the dates.

    • We stayed at Lobos Lodge for our honeymoon last October and loved it! A very spacious room with a fireplace, and it was walkable to all of the art galleries, tasting rooms, and restaurants. Our total with taxes/fees came to $315 per night.

    • We stayed at Horizon Inn & Ocean View Lodge which is on the outskirts of the downtown area. I think the rooms were around $210 a night and it was fantastic. All the rooms have nice patios and they bring you a breakfast basket to your door every morning that has fresh pastries, fruit, juice, cereal, yogurt parfaits, etc. and there was always plenty of parking.

  14. Bridal Party poll :

    Following up from Friday afternoon’s thread… how many of you had someone in your bridal party that, for one reason or another, you no longer speak to? My wedding was in May, and I haven’t heard from one of my bridesmaids since…

    • Anonymous :

      have you reached out to her to talk? is she ignoring you, or have you just not connected? There are probably times when I’ve gone 2 or 3 months without talking to a good friend, particularly one who is in big law like me and lives across the county.

    • anon for this :

      Have you reached out to her? I was a bridesmaid recently and had kind of a bad time at the wedding, although it was through no fault of the bride or groom. Still, she’s just back from her honeymoon and I appreciated getting a “how have you been?” text from her this morning. I probably wouldn’t have reached out to her myself – looking at her wedding pictures makes me sad.

      • I have! I sent her some cute photos of us from the wedding and a “how are you??” no response. She does live out of state, and we have gone through some periods of not keeping in touch for awhile just because, but this time it feels odd. She also never sent a gift. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding, and I gave a gift.

        • anon for this :

          Hm. That does seem less promising. Might be worth reaching out again, just in case things got lost in the shuffle.

        • Call her on the phone. I don’t understand how anyone thinks they are close friends with someone they only text.

          • It’s 2017. I don’t know how old you are, but my friends and I grew up with cell phones. If someone calls me I think someone has died.

          • I’ll one-up that – I have close friends (I was in their wedding, they were in mine, etc.) that I don’t even text. Our communication is all via email.

          • +1 to anon at 11:27. And I’m 33.

          • Totally a know your people thing. I never speak to my closest friends on the phone. Our friendships are just fine, thanks.

        • Well then don’t be complaining when you lose friends. Being able to hear someone’s voice is such a gift. I grew up with cell phones. When I miss a friend I call her. They’re used to it and don’t assume someone is dead.

          • You’re not understanding the point. YOUR friends are used to it, YOUR friends don’t assume someone is dead, but our friends are not your friends. They are not used to phone calls and they do assume someone is dead. So yes, we can complain when we lose friends, because we are not you, and our friends are not your friends.

          • Anonymous :

            Or you could try branching out to a radical new fangled communication method you have in your pocket to try and not lose those friends.

            Or ya know shut down any suggestion that might involve doing something differently.

        • Linda from HR :

          Oh yikes, if she’s suddenly not responding to messages, I’d be worried too. I too sometimes lose touch with good friends over time because life happens and we live apart, friendships can ebb and flow like that, but other times it feels like someone has cut me off, for no apparent reason and with no explanation, and that can be confusing and frustrating. I’d send her another message, ask if everything is okay and maybe (maybe) ask if something happened in relation to the wedding that might have rubbed her the wrong way, because you care about her and would feel awful if you inadvertently did something to hurt her. If you make it clear you’re concerned, she might be more inclined to reply. If not, you may have to wait for her to get in touch.

          There could be any number of other things going on, too. She could be taking a break from social media, she could have recently gone through a loss, or heartbreak, and maybe seeing a newlywed enjoying marital bliss might be tough for her right now. So don’t assume bad intentions, and this is why you lead by asking if everything is all right, rather than lead with a question that assumes this is about you.

    • Anonymous :

      Were you bridezilla?

    • Have you reached out to her and she’s not replying? May doesn’t seem to be *that* long for busy adults, particularly if they don’t live in the same place. For my bridal party, I very intentionally picked only family + one friend, who had been my longtime roommate in college and beyond. I realize this is a big generalization, but I knew I’d keep in touch with sisters/SILs and that it’s very common to drift away from friends at somepoint, and I wanted my bridal party to be a small, close group.

      It isn’t uncommon for my one friend bridesmaid and I to go long stretches without speaking/seeing each other at this point in our lives (we went 9 months before getting together this year, though we did send some emails and texts in the meantime). She’s in a city, I’m out in the suburbs with a kid….life happens.

      Do you consider social media interactions to be “hearing from”? During our long breaks we do like/comment on each others pictures, etc.

    • Yup. I had a bridesmaid who totally started ignoring me after the wedding. We lived far apart so it wasn’t as dramatic as if a local friend suddenly stopped responding to “Want to get a drink?” texts, but she stopped interacting with me on social media (she’s constantly ‘liking’ and ‘commenting’ on Facebook posts, so it was a dramatic and noticeable change) and didn’t respond to a couple “hey how’s everything going?” emails and texts. A year or so later I found out about her engagement on Facebook and wasn’t invited to the wedding. Other bridesmaids confirmed I didn’t do anything crazy or bridezilla-y. It definitely stung. The only thing I can think of is that we were never as close as I thought we were and she felt awkward about being asked to be in the wedding, and as soon as the wedding was over she took the opportunity to distance herself. If I could choose my wedding party over again, I would do only sister, sister-in-law and lifelong BFF who is like a sister to me.
      (She was also kind of unpleasant at the wedding itself and complained loudly about the fact that we didn’t serve any alcohol other than champagne at our brunch wedding. She said over and over again that anything less than a full hosted bar was totally tacky. I was amused to hear mutual friends complain about the “tacky” cash bar at her wedding.)

    • cake batter :

      I got married 5 years ago and only speak to 1 of my 3 bridesmaids. One got married herself and just stopped responding to anyone she was previously friends with (so I know it’s not just me she ghosted on), and the other dramatically dumped me for something really silly. I’m still really sad about both, actually. Also makes me wish I hadn’t had a formal bridal party…

      • Bridal Parties :

        Thanks for sharing this. I’m engaged and my fiance and mom can’t understand why I only want two bridesmaids. They’re childhood friends who I’ve stayed in touch with despite multiple moves. Is it a guarantee we’ll be friends forever? No, of course not. But I’d rather have just the two of them than start adding on friends with whom I’m not as close.

        • Yes, take this approach.

          I had 3 because my husband had 3 he wanted to include. I should have kept it at 2 (my childhood BFF and college BFF). The third (who I was friends with mostly due to her original friendship with #2) pretty quickly ghosted on everyone and moved to the west coast.

      • Serious question — Why does that make you regret a bridal party? Things change, including relationships with people. It seems strange to hold on to this idea that everyone will stay the same as they were on one day of your life, even if it was a really important day.

        • cake batter :

          I think because it makes me a little sad to look at the wedding pictures and be reminded of the relationships I no longer have. I’m not crying over my wedding album every night — I just mean the random pictures on my desk or on display at home that used to make me really happy but now make me miss the people I don’t speak to anymore. (Obvious solution – swap out the pics. I just haven’t gotten around to that yet.) It’s the same for non-wedding photos, fwiw. I get the history reminders from facebook sometimes and feel the same way.

          • Anonymous :

            Yeah. I have also lost bridesmaid friendships and find looking at my wedding pictures to be quite painful. I’m actually glad we didn’t make a physical album because it would have wedding party photos in it that I don’t want to see. Instead we just have a few framed photos of us and our families, and those photos make me happy.
            I also think there is a big difference between “Oh we were close in college and now we’re 50 and we don’t communicate except through Christmas cards” (which is so common and totally normal) and “My bridesmaid ghosted me right after the wedding” (which is much more unusual). You don’t feel like a failure when you’ve largely lost touch with someone over 30 years, but you feel like a failure when one of your supposed best friends drops you like a hot potato right after you asked her to stand up with you on one of the biggest days of your life.

    • Marshmallow :

      Nope, I got married a little over two years ago with a fairly large bridal party and we are still close with everyone. We might go a couple of months without talking but always respond to each other when we check in. On the other hand, my oldest friend ghosted me in the period after engagement but before asking my bridal party. It really hurt and I still haven’t gotten a clear answer, but I’m so happy she didn’t stick it out in the bridal party just to disappear later.

      • I got married young-ish (25). My bridal party was my sister, two friends from college and my best friend in the city I was living in at the time.

        A decade and two kids later, I am still in touch with the two college friends (one I see a few times a year, the other I haven’t physically seen in a few years but we talk/text) and my sister, but the friend from the city moved, I moved, life happened.

        On DH’s side, groomsmen were my brother, DH’s best friend, my best friend, and two college friends. The two college friends have since drifted away but the others are still in our lives in various ways.

    • Getting married changed a lot of friendships from high school. I guess one friend was kind of jealous that out of everyone in the group I was getting married first, because she was the one who always had a boyfriend. Refused to be a bridesmaid. But then the friend who had been living with a guy for 10 years waiting on him to propose was happy to be a bridesmaid, and other than complaining to our hairdresser about her situation, didn’t make a big deal out of the day at all.

      Same friend who was grumpy about my wedding refused to meet my baby when we came to town to visit, I was going to bring him to her and everything but she claimed she was “too stressed” even though she doesn’t work or have kids. I haven’t bothered to reach out since.

    • I had three girls I really wanted to ask but my husband wanted five groomsmen. Because I was 24 and uneven bridal parties seemed like a big deal, I asked two other girls I was friendly but not super close with. One of them declined and the other agreed but then was super unenthusiastic and negative during the planning (not acknowledging my wedding shower with so much as a card or a “congrats” text, buying the dress two months late, RSVPing late, etc.) and really rude at the actual wedding, to the point that other guests asked what was wrong with her and why she was unhappy. She stopped speaking to me immediately after the wedding, which was sort of no great loss because she had behaved so badly over the preceding year.
      I wish I’d just asked the girls I really wanted, especially since it ended up uneven anyway (which is totally no big deal, btw).

    • Senior Attorney :

      I had four of the five bridesmaids from my first wedding (33 years ago) as guests at my third wedding eleven months ago. I thought that was pretty fun! I have lost touch with the two attendants from my second wedding, which was 18 years ago. One was a very close friend with whom I had a fairly spectacular falling out just a few years ago, and one was a then-close-work-friend and our paths just diverged over time (same with the fifth maid from the first go-round). I feel like it’s normal to lose touch with people over a long period of time, but I’d certainly be quite hurt to be ghosted so soon after the wedding.

      This time I just had my son stand up with me and he’s still very much around! :)

    • For what it’s worth, this is apparently enough of a “thing” that someone wrote an article about it a few years ago: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/weddings/2013/06/wedding_guest_goodbyes_friendships_that_end_after_your_wedding.html

  15. Anonymous :

    Does anyone have suggestions for zone diet-friendly vegetarian meal ideas? I’m especially interested in lunch ideas I can buy out at a restaurant or easily prep at home.

    • JuniorMinion :

      Restaurants will be hard as unless its a portion controlled place with lots of details on nutrition you don’t really know what is in the food so much. I don’t know where you are based but I like places like snap kitchen etc where things are portioned out / macro tracked

      In terms of easy prep, baked egg / egg white cups (these are easily proportioned to fit within your fat constraints) + beans / vegetarian low fat refried beans (Rosarita makes good ones) / homemade hummus + vegetable of your choice (broccoli / chopped tomatoes / etc). Could also substitute baked tofu / tempeh for the eggs / egg whites but if you are vegetarian egg whites will be a great source of leucine for you.

      Fat free greek yogurt + toppings (whichever ones fit your macros – I personally like dark chocolate chips and a nut varietal of some sort) + a veggie / fruit side.

      Cannellini bean salad with tofu, onions, tomatoes, herbs, and greens / broccoli (if you like)

      Mexican bowl – black beans + egg/ egg white baked mixture + trader joe’s fire roasted peppers and onions + salsa + reduced fat cheese

      For anyone who is doing any sort of macro tracking of meals the bowl concept is excellent because depending on how much of whatever macro you want your meal to have you can adjust it / ensure you’ve got the right breakdown. Finally, don’t ignore your grocery store freezer section. There is some great stuff there vs. 5 years ago (Im staring at a healthy choice power bowl for my lunch which is 26g protein, 38g carbs (8g fiber) and 6 g fat). I really especially like the Luvo meals and they do a bunch of vegetarian stuff.

      • thank you!

        • JuniorMinion :

          One more thing! Weigh your food out with a scale for best results – especially the very dense foods (cheese, meats, beans etc – weighing out broccoli / veggies is a bridge too far for me). I know it sounds nitpicky but I have found sometimes I’m way off with measuring spoons / cups. My food scale is from a brand called ozeri – its on amazon and I think it was $15 and it works great / is simple to use and will work in mL /g/oz/lbs etc.

    • I just googled the zone diet and it’s absolutely looney tunes. Why does everyone around here insist on fad diets. Also no recommendations because carbs aren’t bad and all my favorite meals have some carbs. Bulgar, quinoa, rice, etc are all leaps and bounds different from white bread.

      • I”m not a fan of fad diets either, but I just Goggled it while I don’t buy the hormone balancing theories surrounding it, the diet itself actually seems pretty reasonable. It includes quite a lot of carbs, as well as emphasizing protein and a moderate amount of fat..

      • JuniorMinion :

        I don’t think carbs are bad under zone? I was under the impression that zone advocates a 40/30/30 C / P/F ratio – this is a pretty non crazy macro split. They do recommend you do that at each meal which would be too complex for me but I generally shoot for a 35/30/35 macro split over the day

      • anonlawyer :

        the zone diet has been around for like 20 years .. . hard pressed to call it a fad. And like someone else said, 40/30/30 is not crazy.

  16. Can anyone in the DMV (downtown DC (Farragut West) or Alexandria, specifically) recommend their dentist?

    The preferred providers for my insurance scare me – they went to schools I’ve never heard of and their waiting rooms are original Golden Girls-era. I’ll happily use some HSA money to go to someone reputable.

    • I go to Advanced Cosmetic and General Dentistry at 19th and L. They’re very professional and I’ve never had an issue with them.

    • I see Dr. Thornton at 18th and I Street, NW. He’s really great. Although the office has like one day per month where they accept new patients (you have to call on that date…they’ll tell you when it is). So a total pain to get in, but once you’re in, he’s excellent.

    • This is in Foggy Bottom but I go to Watergate Dental. They’re on time and I’ve never had any issues there.

      • I second this recommendation. Watergate Dental has several dentists in their group, so it’s likely that one (or several) of them will take your insurance. They never push cosmetic work on me, even though I could use it, and have always been on time and super professional.

    • I absolutely love Drs. Schneiderman and Barr at 19th and M St. I’ve referred several friends and colleagues and everyone always talks about how much they love the dentist now.

  17. Chicago-bound :

    Just got an offer for a job in Chicago – can anyone tell me what it’s like there? FWIW, I’m been living in Atlanta for a couple of years. For reference, I’m mid-20s, bringing my dog and fiance, and I love sports and theatre. Thanks!

    • Oh man, I love Chicago! I was born there and lived in the Windy City again in my twenties. For sports, you’re set — tons of professional teams — and the cultural institutions and opportunities are terrific as well. It’s also an extremely outdoorsy city; if you’re active, there’s plenty of leagues and fun to be found. The lakefront running path can’t be beat!

      Downsides: crime is on the rise, and public transport (particularly the El) is aging and overtaxed. I consider it very affordable compared to either coast and probably pretty on par with Atlanta. It’s also COLD in the winter, but I’m a Midwesterner at my core so that doesn’t faze me all that much because the other three seasons are so incredibly lovely.

      Feel free to post more questions here. I live about 90 minutes away now, but it might as well be a lifetime as I only get down there a few times a year anymore :(

    • I am a native Chicagoan who lives here now after previously living in LA, DC, and NYC. Chicago is awesome and where I chose to live after living in those cities. I have not lived in Atlanta but have visited often. If you love sports and theater you are in for a serious treat. Not only do we have two baseball teams, NFL, NBA, but we also have MLS, NHL (an original six team), and loads of college sports. I have seen everything from Hamilton to Aladdin to Book of Mormon on stage and the Symphony and Opera house are also fun – even if you are decidedly “not fancy” We will often go see the Nutcracker (Joffrey Ballet is world renowned) or the Christmas shows the CSO puts on every year at the holidays. They are a blast. There are movies in the parks, dancing and yoga classes, food festivals, music festivals, etc. The summer is just electric. The Art Institute is fantastic and free on Thursday nights for Illinois residents. Also incredible and right in town: the Shedd Aquarium, the Planetarium, Museum of Science and Industry, and the Museum of Contemporary Art. You don’t have to be a Cubs fan to appreciate that a 100+ year old ballpark is smack dab in the middle of neighborhoods and the architecture is amazing.

      I won’t lie; winter is not fun and may be a shock to you from Atlanta. You will want actual winter clothes. But if you have ever lived in NYC or Boston or comparable city, it will seem fine to you. Cost of living will seem expensive compared to Atlanta, but definitely cheaper compared to NYC, SF, LA, DC. That being said, while the el seems “aging and overtaxed” it is a modern dream compared to the subways in NYC. The only downside is that while the el is convenient, it does not span the whole city, so depending on where your work is, you will probably want to be near public transportation. You absolutely do not need a car, but it is convenient to have one. The Metra (commuter rail) is also a great option if you want to move to the suburbs and depending on where your work is (I am willing to bet your work is downtown). I love the suburbs and we are ready to move to the burbs soon, but as a newcomer, it might be more fun to live in the city. The city is quite dog friendly, with plenty of dog walkers, dog parks, and dog-friendly apartments. I do not feel any less safe in Chicago than I did in NYC or LA or DC. What else: I did not realize until I lived in other cities, but there are certain things that Chicago takes seriously: Christmas, St. Patrick’s Day, Fourth of July, its sports teams, beautiful summer Fridays (the city sort of takes off), food, the lakefront, and itself. Chicagoans LOVE Chicago. We even love our flag!

      • I moved here last year for a job, after spending a decade circulating between Boston/NYC/DC. I absolutely love it (and so does my dog!). One of the things I love the most is how much people love this city and their neighborhoods, and the pride they feel. It’s pretty infectious, and makes it really fun to decide where to live, as opposed to stressful. And there aren’t 3 or 4 great neighborhoods, there are dozens, and we keep finding more.

        Also it’s true that this city makes it easy to be outside and active. There are parks EVERYWHERE. Tennis courts, fitness stations, kayaks, running paths and bike lanes, swimming and golf. It’s one giant outdoor playground.

    • I went to law school in Chicago around that age and it was fabulous! I’d go back in a heartbeat if I could make it work with my job and husband.

      There are lots of neighborhoods, each with a pretty distinct feel. Its very dog friendly. Great, passionate sports fans. Theater scene is pretty good (not NY good but very respectable and there is also really good music). A lot of good restaurants are BYOB so it can be very affordable to eat out, which was wonderful when I was in law school.

      I could stare at the lake for the rest of my life. It is the thing I miss most. I never expected to feel that way about it but I do.

      The winters do suck, but once you put on all the clothes I found that it wasn’t so bad. And it is really fun when the first nice day of spring arrives (like maybe mid 40s or upper 40s with the sun blazing) and people wear shorts!

    • Are my jeans too tight? :

      Theater is amazing here. World class theaters (Steppenwolf, Goodman, Court etc..) at incredibly reasonable prices, especially if you get season tickets. And an endless supply of smaller theaters that are dirt cheap. Usual big musicals etc.. but those are more pricey, aiming for tourists.

      It is a big, beautiful, exciting city…. on a lake so big it looks like the ocean. The weather can be rough, but global warming seems to have made the last several winters more mild.

      Food opportunities are very good, but not as good as the coasts for seafood/asian etc… But you can find most things and several (some v. expensive) amazing restaurants.

      More expensive than Atlanta, but still a very good deal for the quality and opportunities of a city this size. Prices on rentals are rising quickly.

      It is very segregated. Lots of poverty and crime, but in pockets that most of us live outside of. There is terrible financial and political dysfunction (half of our governors wind up in prison….), terrible inequities. It is still too conservative for me (I have lived mostly in NYC/Boston/SF etc..). People are generally nice, on the surface.

      It will seem like an exciting leap from Atlanta. Go for it.

    • I have lived in Indianapolis, Dallas, New York City, and Boston. I currently live in Chicago and it is my favorite. It has the perfect mix of affordability and livability, with great culture, sports, and food. I have found that it is a city that I can actually raise a family- without having to move to the suburbs.

      I admit that I like the vibe of the Midwest. Folks are relatively unassuming, and there is kind of a “put your head down and get it done” attitude. That being said, compared to the East cost, I find the people to be friendlier.

      The biggest downside of the city is the winters. However, there are gems within the city of things that you can do inside (sometimes for free) (i.e., Garfield Park Conservatory).

    • Chicago-bound :

      Great, thanks for the info! I lived in Vermont, and I actually love the cold weather. I also lived in DC after college, the housing plus the entry-level salary was miserable. I’m glad Chicago is more affordable, and probably on par culturally with DC.

      Parents grew up in the western suburbs, but they haven’t lived there in over a decade. I’m personally very excited about it, I haven’t been happy in Atlanta (miss the cold in Vermont) and it sounds like Chicago and I will mesh nicely.

      Does anyone have recommendations for housing on the northside/close-in norther suburbs? FH is a consultant and will be flying in and out of O’Hare weekly. I will be working in South Loop. We have a lab so he needs a place to get some exercise. We would be looking to buy sooner rather than later as well (already have our downpayment, FH is eager to buy)/

      • Rainbow Hair :

        I wouldn’t buy anywhere without having lived there for a bit, just to be sure you like it, but check out Andersonville and just north of Andersonville (Edgewater, Edgewater Beach, Edgewater Glen, Magnolia Glen, these neighborhood designations get a bit silly, and Rogers Park). A-ville is the cutest – family friendly, condos for a good price, great places to eat, so many dogs!, gentrifying which is not inherently good, but good for property values I guess.

        • Chicago Attorney :

          Andersonville is cute, but not really convenient to either South Loop or O’Hare. I’d probably look somewhere blue line adjacent, so FH could get to O’Hare via the el and you could either drive or take the train to Jackson or LaSalle, depending on where in the South Loop we’re talking about. I think you’d be better off with anything in the Wicker Park/Bucktown/Logan Square/Avondale areas, even parts of the West Loop, though prices there are getting outrageous. Just depends on how “hip” versus “hipster” versus “family-friendly” you’re looking for.

          • Rainbow Hair :

            We lived close to Foster Ave., so it was a straight shot bus ride to the blue line and then off to O’Hare. I agree that nothing close to the lake is super convenient to the airport, because of the whole spoke/wheel thing, but it was pretty darn workable (and the lake!!!). If you want to be anywhere north-ish you’ll run into that problem unless you’re as far west as like… Jefferson Park? What’s the attraction to being north?

            But for the commute to the South Loop from Rogers Park or whatever, you can take the Red to Harrison no problem, depending on where work is.

        • I would agree that you probably want to live somewhere before buying, but when the time to buy is right, I cannot recommend Amanda McMillan from @properties enough in terms of buying, selling. She is a serious rockstar, rockstar, rockstar and often works with relocations.

        • Edgewater and Rogers Park all the way then! Highly, highly recommend Andersonville (a subsection of Rogers Park) that like Rainbow Hair says is family friendly and residential BUT also has all of the perks of a city–like the best strip of coffee shops and bars and food.

      • Yeah, definitely not anywhere on the red line (i.e., NOT Rogers/Edgewater/Andersonville), it will be incredibly inconvenient to the airport. Seconding Chicago Attorney above–look for somewhere on the blue line. If you are relatively close in to downtown, the commute will be manageable for you, and the proximity to the train will be helpful for your partner no matter where along the blue line you live.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Chicago is the bessssst!

      It’s super dog friendly! Lots of bars you can bring your dog to!

      It feels very affordable to me — like you can rent a gorgeous apartment in a hoppin’ neighborhood close to a convenient train line for a really decent price. You don’t need a car! (Some people might disagree with me on this, but I loved not having a car!)

      The music scene is awesome. The arts are awesome. I loved going to Backroom Shakespeare. There’s lots of good stuff to eat. It’s a great city for sports (just like, watching sports games at the bar is a hoot, not to mention how easy it is to go see any of the teams play). The bars are The Best and there’s great beer.

      The lake is beautiful. Ah I love the lake! It was lovely to walk to the lake every week or two and watch the seasons change… I am nuts and I kind of loved standing on the shore of the lake in the winter and just appreciating the (freezing) sublimity. A thing that is absurd is that a regular ol’ person like me could afford to live in a (really very nice!) apartment that was walking distance to a sandy beach where you can swim in the summer! Best lake.

      • I do think a car is necessary if you live on the south or west sides or regularly travel to many different neighborhoods as part of your job or lifestyle. Chicago is physically quite large, so even if your destination is theoretically transit-accessible, it may take too long to be practical.

        I lived without a car the first 3 years I was in Chicago and was pretty restricted in my mobility as a result–could only really easily travel to 3-4 neighborhoods. I resisted getting one until it was absolutely necessary for work, but it has really been a lifesaver. My job requires me to travel alllll over the city and having a car cut down certain trips from 2+ hours on public transit to 45 minutes–long, but much more manageable. Plus, now I am more flexible to explore a wider variety of neighborhoods in my downtime as well.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Yeah, I guess for us, not owning a car was a lifestyle priority. If that’s something you want, Chicago can really easily make it happen. We had a zipcar membership and it worked just fine for us – used it maybe 10 times a year. But obviously if I had a job that required me to be in every neighborhood of the city regularly, it wouldn’t work. But for my job in the loop, court in the loop, and home in A-ville, I was delighted not to have to pay for a car.

    • Currently a mid-20s person living in Chicago. It’s a great city and so affordable! I second the recommendations for living along the blue line, particularly Wicker Park/Logan Square. Personally I like the lake neighborhoods (Lincoln Park, Lakeview) a bit more because of the parks and slightly cheaper rents, but WP/LS will be worth it if one of you flies out of O’Hare regularly.

      If you like theater, you might like taking some classes at Second City when you get here. If comedy isn’t your thing, they have lots of classes on acting, writing, etc as well. It’s a lot of fun, and by far the easiest way to make friends in a new city.

  18. How do you know if therapy is something you’d benefit from? I’ve got a couple of issues that are occupying more headspace than I’d like — garden variety stuff: mostly that my parents split a few years ago and a friendship that I counted on has fallen through. I’ve been going to yoga and reading Brene Brown and the like, but I’m not sure if that’s going to get me where I’d like to be. Meanwhile, I’ve started a new job with lots of travel and not much disposable income, so I’m resisting the idea of therapy… but maybe that’s silly. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

    • I know some people will disagree with this, but I believe most people can benefit from therapy given they find a therapist that is right for them. IMO, if you are considering it or thinking it might help, it’s worth exploring whether it can. If what you have done to date isn’t getting you where you want to be, I think it could be worthwhile.

      Even when I was feeling good about things, I liked to go once a month as a check-in and talk through what had been going on in my life and how I had applied what I had learned. It was also nice to have a non-friend to bounce things off of as therapists can/should be objective about that sort of thing.

    • I think it’s common to resist the idea of therapy. It’s hard to say “I need help that I can’t provide for myself,” and sometimes we have the idea that therapy is only for super-needy, desperate people who are going to fall apart without it, and that maybe if we get it, we’re one of those kinds of people. And it costs money.

      I’d encourage you to go. Think of all the stuff you spend money on. If there were a store you could go to where you could buy relief from the sadness and disappointment and hurt over your parents split, and relief from the broken friendship — along with some coping skills that you’ll use for the next 10 years … wouldn’t you think that was a good use of money?

  19. Does anyone have experience with the “Machine Washable Merino” from Banana Republic? Comments on quality?

    I’m tall and the Boyfriend Vee looks like my perfect work-to-weekend basic – long but not a tunic, thin enough for layering.

    • I saw it in store this weekend and was very impressed. Can’t speak to how it wears, but I plan to pick a couple up for myself.

      I have their cashmere-wool crewneck sweaters from last winter and have been pleased with how they’ve worn. (Minor pilling under the arms, but that’s to be expected.)

    • Flats Only :

      I have three of their new merino sweaters, and have machine washed on delicate, dried on low, and the ironed them to restore the smooth texture. Worked great. I think they run a little big, especially in the diameter of the arms.

    • I wash all of my wool sweaters (merino, cashmere, and otherwise) in the washing machine.

      I use lingerie/washing bags to keep them from getting stretched out. And the knits/delicate cycle on cold. And The Laundress Wool/Cashmere shampoo.

      I do airdry flat (vs the dryer). and will occasionally iron if the wrinkles are bad, but not usually. Usually wearing the sweater warms it up enough for the wrinkles to release during the day.

      As for BR Merino – I bought 4 of the v-neck sweaters they had last fall and really like them. They’ll be in the rotation this fall as well. I’ve never had an issue with the way merino wears.

    • I bought two merino sweaters last year, and they are still going strong after some washes ( I wash merino less often, and air it out between wearings because it does not retain odors). Last year I bought the xl and they shrank a little even with re shaping. This year I purchased one you mentioned in the large, as it was really loose, and even if it shrinks quite a bit, will still fit. The brighter colours are more opaque than the lighter colours. These sweaters have upped my ‘skirt’ game and look great. I wash mine by hand in the sink when I have time, or in the washing machine. If I machine wash, I use a super delicate hand wash soap, and do a small load that only contains merino wool, and maybe some dark items. I don’t overcrowd the load.

    • I bought three of these last year and after washing one and hanging to dry, it had shrunk considerably. It’s much smaller than the other two that I have not washed yet out of fear. I was very disappointed.

  20. Recommendations for therapists/counselors in DC? Any advice on how to choose?

    • What kind of situation are you hoping to work on?

      • I’m the one posted above asking if I should consider therapy at all. No anxiety, depression, that kind of thing — just general life situations that I’d like to make peace with or come to terms with or whatever resolution looks like. Thanks!

        • How about the Women’s Center? They have a lot of counselors and hold workshops on common life events so would seem to be open to helping people work through discrete situations. Plus, if you do end up with a diagnosis, they often take insurance.

  21. Short Hair :

    Does anyone have recommendations for tutorials for styling shorter hair (like a long pixie). My hair has never been shorter than chin length and I am about to cut it off and am concerned I will have no idea what to do with it. My hair is very thick if that makes a difference.

    • Give it a LOT of thought before you cut it off.

      Signed, someone with extremely thick hair who cut all her hair off and then suffered through the 2 years it took to grow out

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        On the flip side, I made a snap decision to cut it off (thanks Emma Watson ad on the back of a random Seventeen magazine) and have never regretted it. I have thick, straight hair and my hair has never looked better. But yeah, growing it out, should I choose to ever do so (which is not guaranteed) will suck.

    • pixie hair :

      Look up the Whippy Cake blog or her videos on YouTube. She has had various pixie styles over the years and also has styled others’ pixies. I also love the Instagram feed hashtagpixiecuts. You won’t get a ton of styling tips, but you’ll get a lot of inspiration for different hair types.

      I have fine hair, but a lot of it, and I love having a pixie. However, having a stylist who knows what he/she is doing with short hair is key. Make sure you ask for lots of texturizing.

    • There are several you tube videos on this. I especially like ones by a user called “whippycake”.

      I am growing out my pixie a little, and find that there are several options, you just have to be willing to put in a little work. I have also gone on pinterest and typed ” growing out a pixie” and found several sites.

    • thick-haired pixie :

      A longer-than-pixie short cut is very difficult to do with thick hair. If you don’t like your hair after it’s cut, try getting it cut shorter and more texturized before you give up and grow it out. My thick hair looks best really, really short.

    • I have very fine straight hair in a long-ish pixie. I would recommend not washing it every day. I shampoo it every 3-4 days, then blow-dry it with a little bit of volumizing cream, and then use some styling clay to give my hair a little more texture so it doesn’t look quite so fluffy. On non-shampooing days, my hair will get a little misty in the shower and that will be enough to tamp down any craziness in the back.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      I’m late to this, but there are a bazillion pinterest boards for pixies. Also a few instagram accounts – @nothingbutpixies is a good one and shows different lengths/styles and hair type. I have super fine hair, so volume and texture are my friends.

    • I’ve had hair every length – from my waist to a short pixie. My least favorite was the “long pixie” stage. I spent lots of time styling it every day, and it required frequent trims to avoid looking like a mullet. Just an FYI.

  22. Public v Private Sector HR :

    I’m a private sector HR professional with an upcoming oral exam for the public sector position. Any tips on resources related to the switch from private to public? Terminology and cultural differences? Typical questions experienced on a panel oral exam? Other tips?

    Thanks in advance!

    • I think it depends on a lot, honestly. Are you in the US? (asking based on some of the terminology here)

      I’ve only ever worked in public sector HR–I don’t still–and was in the central business administration unit for the public entity I worked for. So, working on overarching HR policy and process, including layoffs, budget, classification, things related to our personnel rules and statute statewide, but also day-to-day labor and employment issues for the four service centers (business divisions) that were part of the central administrative unit.

    • Public v Private Sector HR :

      Municipal government in California.

    • HR Consultant :

      I’ve been in HR over 10 years and haven’t ever heard of an oral “exam” for a public-sector HR job. Is this an oral component of the PHR-CA or SHRM-CP California exam?

      • This was my question, too. Exam = …interview?

      • Public v Private Sector HR :

        The oral exam (essentially a panel interview of neighboring cities’ HR professionals with standard questions) score will be combined with my written exam score. The combined score determines where I rank on the eligibility list. The topped ranked candidates will get a get an interview with the hiring manager.

        • Gotcha. No personal experience with that kind of hiring, though I’ve seen it done (esp at the larger municipal level, some smaller states).

      • Public v Private Sector HR :

        Not related to PHR or SHRM certification.

  23. My husband and I will be in Boston over Labor Day (Sunday through Tuesday) and I am looking for suggestions of where to eat and what to do. We like food of all types, but prefer more casual/divey food rather than fancy meals. We are open to walking but aren’t looking for any major hiking activities. No particular interest in any specific historical stuff but we are open to any experiences.

    • I would kill for a beer and sandwich at Jacob Wirth right now…

    • Where are you staying?

      • Here are some of my favorite things to direct out-of-town friends to:
        Sunday, I’d go to SoWa in the South End — it’s an open market with arts and a farmers market and a ton of food trucks. I think it runs 10-4. If you want to grab brunch before or after, I’d go to Gallows, Banyan, Frenchie, the South End Buttery, or Flour. (All in the same neighborhood and walking distance.)
        If it’s nice out, I’d do the Harborwalk, or walk along the Esplanade on the Charles River.
        If you’ve never been to Boston before, a drink at the Top of the Hub is nice, and you could stop by Eataly in the Prudential Center if that’s your jam.
        My favorite divey restaurant in the city is Anchovies, in the South End — pretty good Italian food and in a beautiful neighborhood to walk around.
        If it’s crummy out, the MFA and the JFK library are nice, though both may be closed for portions of the weekend.
        If you want to go to Cambridge/Somerville, we love Oleana and Sarma if you like Mediterranean food.
        Southie has some great restaurants that aren’t particularly fancy — Worden Hall, Coppersmith, Publico, Loco
        If you like having a drink or two, I’d recommend Harpoon Brewery (huge beer hall, good soft pretzels), Grand Ten Distillery (craft distillery with a nice little cocktail bar, they also do tours); Bully Boy distillery (really tiny speakeasy bar in a craft distillery), Boston Harbor Distillery (you’ll need to drive or take an Uber, but they have a nice space in Dorchester).

        • I second both Oleana and Grand Ten Distillery. For divey, I’ll add The Tavern at the End of the World, in Charlestown. It’s about 10 min north of the MoS. If you’re near Faneuil Hall, Durty Nelly’s is a fun, Irish dive bar.

          The Isabella Stewart Gardner museum is offering free admission on Labor Day.

      • Right across the bridge in Cambridge (near the Museum of Science).

        • From that area, there are some good food options in Kendall Square. Check out State Park and Lord Hobo. Cambridge Brewing Company is good for beer but their food is meh. And Area Four (bakery side) makes the best filled croissants (try the almond and the savory one, whatever it is that day).

    • I love Boston. A visit could include walking the Freedom Trail which will take you through the most historic parts of Boston. I love visiting the USS Constitution, a ship docked in the Charlestown part of town. For shopping, Beacon Hill has lovely shops and antique stores–much more interesting than Newbury which has the same old chains as most big cities. That said, it is good for people watching. A favorite spot of mine in the Ch u rch of Chi$tian Science museum which has a 3 story, stained glass Mapparium (large globe you walk into). Pretty cool. It’s centrally located near Copley Square, the John Hancock Building, etc. Cambridge and Harvard Square might be worth seeing if you have not been to town before. Have fun!

    • Jacob Wirth is excellent if you like German-ish food, but this may be a bit heavy for warmer weather. If you are looking for a real dive with really great pizza: Santarpio’s in East Boston. Soooo worth the walk (couple of blocks) from Maverick station and somewhat dingy interior. Go anywhere in the North End, I haven’t had a bad meal there yet. If you are looking for a quick bite during your Public Garden and Boston Common adventures, Boloco in a much better version of Chipotle.

  24. SpiderLadyCEO :

    I posted here a few months ago about not being able to find work/pay my bills.
    While I was never hired for a minimum wage job, my freelance work gave me some work that tided me over, and while I did have to ask my parents for one month’s rent, I have a new job! I’ll be moving cross country on Friday, and I have already begun working for them. The pay is good, and the work is interesting, so while I’m nervous, I am also very excited. Thank you all for your reassuring advice!

  25. pants concerns :

    Is camel toe making a comeback? It it part and parcel of high-waisted pants? I haven’t seen it in a long time and now I’m seeing it again — jeans shorts, high-waisted jeans, etc. This is the worst of the 80s/90s.

    • High wasted pants doesn’t necessarily equal camel toe . . .

      • anon for this :

        I don’t think it’s part and parcel of the trend so much as people sometimes buy and wear clothes that don’t fit them properly.

    • A comeback? It was never a trend. And agree that s it’s not part and parcel to the trend. If pants give you came toe (or the illusion of it) don’t wear them.

  26. Traveling to see family on holidays :

    A comment on one of the threads reminded me of a family issue that may emerge. We are always, always the ones to travel, and Christmas is especially difficult. I am a (volunteer) minister in addition to my academic gig, so I always have a bunch of services on Christmas Eve. I am tired on a regular Christmas and get up and drive the 3 hours each way anyway. This year Christmas Eve is on a Sunday, which means we’ll have the regular Sunday morning services for Advent 4 followed by the Christmas Eve services in the late afternoon/evening. I am not sure I’ll be able to function on Christmas Day. I am thinking of not going to our family Christmas dinner.

    Any advice? Not serving on Christmas Eve is not an option (as it is I don’t serve at the 10 pm or Christmas Day services). It would be a relief to not have to travel that day, but it doesn’t solve the problem of getting the family together since no one comes to us. (Although, full disclosure, they did make the trip for my ordination in 2015.)

    • I mean you’ve got two options here right?

      Option A- you go. Leave later in the day, make it work.

      Option B- you don’t go. I don’t think you can expect your whole family to come to you though. You maybe try and see people on the 26th?

      You don’t do a midnight service right? So I’d suck it up personally. Yes, it’s a busy day and you might be a bit tired but unable to function? Nah. If seeing your family is important you make it work.

      Also you are a volunteer. Scale back if you’re overwhelmed.

    • As a vestry member, I do everything I can to get my minister to relax and take time off, especially during Easter and Christmas. I certainly know my minister couldn’t manage it. Is the situation that your family expects you to travel or that they always gather at Aunt Louise’s house and you’d be missing out if you didn’t go? I’d see what you could do now to discuss shifting the tradition. Would some younger families be relieved to not make the trip? Is Aunt Louise getting old enough that she’d like to pass the reins?

    • I think every family is different in how they react to this, but you need to do what is right for you (and really no one else, imho).

      My parents, for example, get it, and don’t expect us nor do they harbor a grudge or passive aggression if we can’t make it (or, frankly, choose to be somewhere else). My MIL, on the other hand, gets very passive aggressive about it, because she does expect her kids to come from the four corners (but has never once traveled to some of the further flung kids, including us, for anything let alone a holiday). It’s hard to judge until you put it out there. What’s worked for us so far has been “we’re doing XYZ this Tgiving/Xmas, but let’s plan to visit in January!” and for my parents at least it’s worked quite well.

      I think with your circumstances, you can say “we’re taking a bit of a break from hitting the road on Christmas this year, given my service schedule, so let’s plan to celebrate another way/time/place. I’m open to suggestions!” Maybe you can celebrate another nearby holiday with family, when travel isn’t as bad?

    • My family has always dealt with issues where one person or another can’t travel, and we flex. Sometimes we celebrate on Christmas Day, sometimes on the weekend before or after it. Will your family consider doing that? You mention that your family does not come to you, which sounds as if you are getting together with parents and siblings on this day? My experience is that as families get older and more complicated, ever more flexibility is needed.

      Also, I had a Christmas a few years back where I simply couldn’t face traveling, and I ….just didn’t. We all survived.

    • Don’t go! It will be fine. You will be fine. Your family will be fine.

      • Unpopular Opinion :

        This. My parents live very far from us-it is a miserable trip, in a miserable location, and most importantly, a miserable time because of personality clashes. There ends up being a lot of screaming (my mom) and crying (me). My husband and I made a decision a few years to stop traveling to them on Thanksgiving and Christmas, stay in SoCal, and to enjoy the holiday as a family. Sometimes I feel like a jerk, but at the same time, I don’t spend the holidays in tears, after making a 12 hour one way trip, and I get to enjoy the time and our home with my husband and children.

    • Can you take some time off work around Christmas? Drive to family on Christmas, spend a night or two somewhere, then drive home. At least then you’re not driving 6 hours in one day.

    • I second the suggestions for a flex holiday, if that’s feasible for your family dynamic and for your personal faith tradition. My husband and I don’t make our living from music, but we are both paid church soloists, so we are always busy on Christmas Eve–sometimes each doing multiple services across different denominations! (We are also both atheists, so the holiday is really just an earning and eating opportunity for us rather than anything deeper.)

      My FIL and his wife, who live about an hour from us, have a long tradition of a Christmas Day “open house” and always invite us to join them for a meal and a church service, but they understand that after the Christmas Eve spree, we usually aren’t interested in getting in the car on Christmas Day, especially not to go to church without getting paid. A few years ago they voluntarily established a separate, family-only gathering a few days after Christmas–sometimes to celebrate New Year’s Day, sometimes not, depending on everyone’s schedules. That gives us all a chance to catch up and exchange gifts without stepping on either H’s and my singing schedule or the older generation’s desire to observe the holiday’s religious import.

  27. Legal Writing Group :

    For everyone who joined the Legal Writing Group on reddit over the weekend: You have all been approved to join. Please feel free to check out the group on Reddit (LegalWritingWorkgroup) and start sharing exercises, tips, and critiques.

  28. Camping with Toddler :

    My husband and I just decided to take our 2-year old camping over Labor Day weekend. We haven’t been camping in a tent (what I call “real” camping) since we were dating nine years ago.

    Tell me everything! The food is the best part for me. I love the fun of campfire cooking- would love to know favorite recipes. We will probably need to buy some gear, so I’m looking especially for suggestions of the best basic things or gear.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Banana boats and hobo meals are my favorite. A variation on this that went over well was salmon over potatoes and onions with olive oil, salt and pepper, lemon, and thyme in foil packets.

      A friend of mine went camping last weekend and inspired me – they brought a small stove and a moka pot – packs small, but better quality coffee than a percolator and less annoying than a camping pour-over.

    • We like to marinate a flank steak and cook that on our first night camping. The leftovers are great to eat cold over the next day or two. I also like to do corn on the cob in the campfire. Other than that, we do a lot of cheese and cracker meals.

      We camped with our kids from the time they were babies and it was a great experience. And tomorrow I take the oldest to college. He will be in a beautiful part of the country and is taking his sleeping bag with him.

    • Former Retail :

      Not food, but . . .

      What I learned from camping with my kids at that age – take quiet toys for early mornings. Assuming you are going to a campground where other campers are in earshot, plan for what to do when they wake up in the morning. My kids were early risers (and loud) back then. I still have this in an Evernote camping list from the first time I camped with a toddler and came unprepared!

      • Good call on the quiet toys! I went camping with a group of friends a few years ago and we were quietly chatting around the fire until maybe 10:30. The people next to us got very mad that we were making *so much noise*. And then their kids started riding those plastic tricycles around at 6:00 am, making waaay more noise than we were. I wanted to throw them into the lake we were camping next to.

    • Anonymous :

      Headlamps are better than flashlights for walking around in the dark. If you’re at a campground, bring ear plugs. I have a few megapacks of Hearoes that I bought on Amazon that block noise pretty well. For s’more making, you can buy a lot of Hersey’s candy in bar form and do peanut butter cup s’mores, peppermint patty, cookies and cream, etc. You don’t have to stick to plain chocolate.

    • Be prepared for the bathroom trips. I have 2 daughters and between the 3 of us, I felt we were constantly going to the bathroom. Something about being outdoors made my bladder go nuts. lol.

      Find out what kind of bathrooms the campgrounds offer, if they do. We’ve gone camping where the only bathrooms are the ones that have a pit toilet with no soap and paper-thin toilet paper. We bought toilet seat covers, a roll of toilet paper and a small bottle of hand soap. Headlights were also necessary since these types of bathrooms typically don’t have any type of lighting. If the campgrounds have regular bathrooms (flushing toilets, soap, lights) obviously you don’t have to bring anything.

      If you happen to pass by the visitor center, ask if they have anything (free) for kids. One park that we go to offers a small booklet that kids can fill out. It includes animals and plants they can look for.

      On food: we like quesadillas and walmart carries square marshmallows! I didn’t think the change in shape would make a difference when you’re doing s’mores but they do. I don’t know if it’ll be too hot but we bring hot cocoa packets so we can drink those after dinner when the sun has gone down.

  29. Can you share some camping recipes? I went car camping with the hubs & kid, and the food was nasty. I’ve never lost a pound on vacation before (and we were only camping part of it).

  30. Instant Pot question :

    My husband is DYING for an instant pot and I want to get him one for his birthday next month.
    I had previously asked the hive about size – the 8 quart was on sale on Amazon Prime day – but it’s just us two, so we have settled on the 6 quart model.

    I’m looking to place the order, and Amazon is also showing so many accessories! Just wondering if any are worth it. I’m seeing special Instant Pot oven mitts, extra lids, silicone rings, silicone covers, etc. Do we need any of these?

    Also, any recommendations for Instant Pot cookbooks are appreciated.

    Thanks!

    • An extra sealing ring or two might be helpful if you want to have one for savory dishes and one for sweet. The rings hold odors of dishes past. There are so many recipes online and through FB groups that I haven’t needed a separate cookbook.

    • There’s a ton of Pinterest boards and users dedicated solely to the IP, too! Great source!

    • The extra rings for sure! Especially if you want to make yogurt. Your yogurt will taste like beef stew or whatever you’ve been making if you use the same one.

    • good to know re: the rings. Thanks!

    • AttiredAttorney :

      You don’t need the mitts, covers, etc.

      I do recommend a cheesecake springform pan that fits in the pot, extra silicone rings, and a steamer basket.

  31. Legal Writing Sample :

    For a legal writing sample, if I am using something that was publicly filed, do I need to redact my client’s name? What if it was (slightly) revised by a partner and my name is not on the pleading?

    • Legal Writing Sample :

      Also, if I am using something that is a few years old, should I go back through and Shepherdize everything and make sure the case law is still good?

      • For the date issue, I wouldn’t bother. I’d simply date the document and explain the timeframe/assignment in a brief one-page cover sheet.

  32. 22 months of TTC/infertility treatments/diagnosis/surgery/needles, and I’m officially 5 weeks+4 days pregnant!! Oh lord. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I find myself not nearly as excited as I expected. Maybe this long process has robbed me of some joy. I know it’s still insanely early and given my diagnosis I still have lots of risks ahead of me, but it’s nearly impossible to occupy myself with anything else.

    Tips? Tricks? Reading recommendations?

    • 1- Congratulations!!! It takes a while to sink in.
      2- I assume you’re already taking prenatals, but if you’re not, start now!
      3- Read Expecting Better, by Emily Oster
      4- sleep as much as you can before the baby arrives!

    • Congrats! I loved Expecting Better, as well as Bringing up Bebe. But mostly just enjoy this time, engage in lots of self-care, and definitely SLEEP. Baby will be here before you know it!

      • Oh and it will hit you at your first ultrasound (which should be coming up) – seeing that little bean and hearing its heartbeat is magical!

      • I do recommend Bringing Up Bebe because it is funny and has some great insight on America’s over-parenting culture, but after having the baby I realize the whole “French parenting” thing is not a cure-all that will magically have my baby eating and sleeping on a schedule if I follow it (I’m sure that is true for the behavioral stuff when the kid is older too). As the author notes but perhaps doesn’t emphasize enough, French parents get a lot of government-sponsored help, long maternity leaves, and most French moms formula-feed, which makes it way easier to get babies on a schedule and sleeping through the night early on. So don’t consider yourself a failure if the book’s recommendations don’t work for you.

        • I don’t know if you use “Green Hat” in other fora, but be aware: http://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/30/business/business-travel-beware-of-green-hats-in-china-and-other-cross-cultural-faux-pas.html

          • Green Hat :

            Ha! I had no idea. When I was trying to figure out what my handle would be, I looked around my dining room and saw a bottle of Green Hat Gin and just went with it. I don’t use it elsewhere :)

    • Congratulations! I was you a few years ago. I personally felt like I had a little PTSD after all of the fertility treatments and had a hard time believing that my pregnancy would go well until I was about where you are.

      Personally, I didn’t like Expecting Better. Maybe it was because of how hard it was for us to get pregnant in the first place, but I found the author’s attitude a bit too dismissive of doctors. While she’s right on many points, I think she is wrong on alcohol…which just makes me have trouble believing her on the rest.

      Good luck and enjoy!

    • +1 to everything Anonymous said above, plus resist the urge to Google and freak out every time you have a change in pregnancy symptoms. For literally anything you feel or stop feeling first trimester, there will be a post on some baby forum somewhere saying that someone had that symptom during pregnancy or right before/after they miscarried. Make sure you have a healthcare provider you trust, and then trust what that person says vs. random people on the internet.

    • Congrats! I really didn’t like Expecting Better. I have a lot of family members who work in the medical establishment, and to me that book felt very dismissive of medicine and hard science (she’s a social scientist). It’s good to remember that as long as you’re not drinking a truckload of vodka and smoking three packs of cigarettes every day the baby will probably be fine, and certainly you shouldn’t beat yourself up for things you’ve done accidentally or before you knew you were pregnant, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good practice to avoid alcohol and lunch meat and raw fish once you get a positive test. The risk from these things may be very small but why take it? I liked the Mayo Clinic Guide to Pregnancy for a medical establishment view that’s not too alarmist and basically says “Yes, you should try to avoid these things. No, it’s probably not going to hurt your baby if you have them once or twice.”

      • blueberries :

        I really liked Expecting Better because the author understands that people, including pregnant women, take all sorts of risks daily and gives pregnant women the tools to evaluate risks for themselves. Her analysis helped be better take precautions against those risks I was less willing to take (like those associated with listeria exposure) and relax on risks that I was willing to take. I don’t see how it’s possible not to take risks–pregnant women typically need to ride in cars/trains/buses or walk/bike near roads while pregnant.

      • This comment is written by someone who does not understand what is economics.

    • Anonattorney :

      I had a bit of “buyer’s remorse” after I got pregnant both times. It took a little while with each one, so it was a bit surprising to feel that way. It wore off fairly quickly. It feels more real after the first ultrasound, and then again when you start feeling regular movement. Otherwise you just feel your pregnancy symptoms, which, for the most part, are kind of a bummer. And can be a BIG bummer for some people.

      I got a few different pregnancy books that painted a nice picture of the process. The “basics” are Expecting Better, The Mother of all Pregnancy Books, What to Expect (why not). If you’re into it, you can also try the Natural Pregnancy Book. For stuff get Baby Bargains, and then for newborn info get Baby 411.

  33. Song stuck in head while I’m at the office – and don’t have it on my phone. UGH. Shawn Mendes – Nothing Holding me Back. In case anyone cares — 6 hrs of weekend driving, which means I heard it 20 times this weekend on every station . . . .

  34. Probably not a good sign that it’s Monday morning and I’m already fantasizing about calling in sick one day this week…

    • Arrived an hour late, took a long lunch, then took an hour to go look at the eclipse. I feel ya.

  35. Walking Comfort :

    Walking Comfort: is the brand as comfortable as it claims? I’m eyeing a pair of their ankle boots…

  36. Scotland Bound :

    What are your favorite/must-see spots in Edinburgh? We’ll have 4.5 days there, unstructured, before a 4 day Islay Region Scotch tour.

    • Been there 2x, both times for a short period only (as it was part of a larger 14day trip around Scotland). My favourite part was to njoy nice breakfast and then take a walk to the city center, wander around the small streets, buy some small fashion treats, eat & drink at randim places. We did not visit any historical sights (at least I am not aware of it), but the overall atmosphere of that city was amazing! You will get proper tips on what to see for sure, my only reco is to have one day just for mindless wandering :)
      We liked Southpour Cafe (for breakfast) and a bar called 56 north (we had a great dinner and drinks there).

    • MollySolverson :

      Edinburgh is wonderful – I’m jealous!

      +1 for 56 North. They have a huge gin menu if that’s your thing. I also loved Dishoom and Urban Angel for breakfast. In terms of the touristy stuff, the castle is a must-see in my opinion. I also enjoyed the Portrait Gallery, National Museum of Scotland, Real Mary King’s Close, the tour at the Scotch Whisky Experience (though you can probably skip that in light of your Scotch tour!), and strolling along the Royal Mile. Edinburgh is a beautiful city, so wandering around and stopping in a cafe for a scone or a pub for a drink is a great way to spend an afternoon or two as well.

      If you don’t want to spend all your time in Edinburgh, I would do a daytrip to the Highlands. There are lots of tour companies to choose from – I picked Rabbies and it was great. The landscape is breathtaking.

      • Our Islay tour is through Rabbies. Glad to know you had a good experience with them! My husband is lobbying for a day trip to Hadrian’s Wall.

    • Do the castle, take a city bus tour (you can compare routes online because the you want both the old and new towns), and have a wander. Take VERY comfy shoes and a waterproof/windproof jacket. I think the national museum is overs rated (but the building is great) but I like the National Gallery, plus it does good cupcakes.

      Try a day trip to Glasgow (I’m biased) and perhaps a half day to Stirling. Dunfermline is only a quick bus/train ride also. The East Neuk of Fife is an hour away and can be picturesque ( in good weather).

  37. Sloan Sabbith :

    I KonMari’d my bathroom and accidentally tossed my foundation. Dam*it!

    • Maybe your subconscious was telling you that wearing foundation does not spark joy?

      • Senior Attorney :

        So funny you should say that — I gave up wearing foundation a few months ago and I am so much happier!

    • When I Kon Mari’d my house I accidentally threw out a photo album of childhood photos! It got into the “toss” pile by mistake.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Feeling validated in my hoarder tendencies right now. That super sucks about the photo album!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Trust me when I say that I was not joyous when I realized it this morning. I don’t wear foundation or even makeup often (this was my powdered foundation) but I have an event today. Ugh.

  38. Birthday gift ideas for a boyfriend who just started business school? I have a couple of frivolous ideas (i.e., allbirds), but I’d like to get him something useful too!

    • A nice business card holder. They give you student business cards at most MBA programs and he’ll want to hand them out during networking events.

    • Hmm: business card holder, nice leather padfolio (you can decide if he should have one with the school logo or not, that’s a preference), massage or nice dinner when semester ends, nice backpack (Tumi makes some awesome ones), nice beverage container (Yeti, etc.), shirt/sweatshirt from his new school, tickets to new school’s sporting events if he is into that…

      Is he doing part-time or full-time?

    • Anonymous :

      Yup, just ordered a nice business card holder for him…I think that’s perfect. A Yeti is probably a great idea too!

      Full-time!

    • Depending on the program/what he’s recruiting for, he may or may not need business cards. More structured recruiting (banking, consulting, general management) programs will give you access to all the contact info you need, and you’re often taking the other person’s card so you can control the follow up.

      Is he doing a pre-orientation trip/travel? Gear for that might be nice. Otherwise, I really appreciated nice meals out, tickets to a show/sports event (it’s nice to have a break from the school bubble and it’s something to talk about at all the aforementioned recruiting events). Finally, if he doesn’t have one, a nice coffee tumbler is good to have (but don’t worry about water bottles because he’ll end up with a lot of school swag).

  39. KS IT Chick :

    Need help styling a skirt. I have a robin’s egg blue-with-white-stripes linen pencil skirt that I really enjoy wearing. But, I keep seeming to wear one of two sets of tops with it. Either the white tee with a navy cardigan, or the navy tee with the white blazer.

    What other colors would work? I have been hesitant to pull out red, so I don’t venture into flag territory.

  40. I need some shopping help. I bought a pair of skinny leather leggings, and I want to wear them in the fall with slouchy, slight off-shoulder sweaters or cozy cardigans. Any recs? I don’t want the leggings to be too va-va-va-voom, so I want to balance it out with more oversized sweaters. I see things on style blogs, but having a hard time finding similar options in real life. TIA!

  41. It’s staaarting here in OR! And my department is not getting any work done this morning!

    • So cool! I’m in the mid-Atlantic, so outside the path of totality, but my office will definitely be outside with our heads in boxes in a few hours. :)

    • Anon for this Judge :

      Starting here, too! Just ran outside to peak while on a break! I’m outside totality but we will still have a nice show. I have eclipse glasses and the weather is cooperating. But I have a gigantic calendar today and I’m not sure how to handle it because we are generally hard at it at 10:40. I’m thinking about taking a 20-minute recess at 10:30 to let everybody run outside for the best part.

    • It was so cool! For those of you who still have it to look forward to…do take the time to run outside! Everyone you are working with wants to too!
      I was on the fringe of totality, and surprised that it didn’t get darker, but it got cold! And watching through glasses was awe-inspiring. Truly a one-in-a-lifetime moment that can’t be replicated.

    • Baconpancakes :

      It started raining here just as the eclipse started. RAWR

  42. I’m expecting my first baby in late January and just told my parents. They are 1) super upset I didn’t tell them sooner and 2) have no plans to reschedule a month-long vacation that begins shortly before my due date. (Note: they are very well off so paying a change fee is not an issue and they are retired so could easily take this trip any other time). I understand why they’re hurt I didn’t tell them sooner, but we really wanted to wait until we were out of the first trimester before we told anyone. I’m not a big sharing person and don’t think I would want anyone except my husband to know if I had a miscarriage. My parents were the first people we told. They have said they will come out to visit “sometime in the first month or two” but they will probably be on vacation for the first 2-4 weeks of baby’s life and don’t want to “travel” (it’s a ~5 hour drive) for a few weeks right after their big vacation. My mom’s mom flew out when I was born to help and my mom had always talked about doing the same for me. I’m hurt that they don’t care to be around for their first grandchild’s first days.

    My in-laws have offered to come, but I’m not enthusiastic about that for a variety of reasons including that my father-in-law is a very difficult (narcissistic) person who has to be “managed” which requires a great deal of effort from pretty much everyone around. I’m also not excited about people I’m not close to seeing me when I’m leaking bodily fluids from every orifice. I’d really prefer if they visited after a month or so, which is now basically exactly when my parents to visit.

    I know that on the scale of “parent problems” this is pretty trivial, but it just hurts. I have several close friends who are pregnant or just gave birth and their parents are over-the-moon about the grandchild to the point that they are annoying my friends by visiting too much. In contrast, my parents are acting like a distant relative is having a baby – “Oh congrats, we’re happy for you. We’ll send a gift and we look forward to meeting the baby in a couple months” – and it just really stings. I’ve always been really close with them and just expected them to be way more excited and involved.

    • I’m sorry that this is so hard. To be honest, though, I was really surprised when I got to your last sentence about being really close with your parents. Between their response to you and your actions toward them (not even wanting them to know if you would have had a miscarriage, waiting so long to tell them) I assumed you had a mutually distant relationship. Perhaps this pregnancy is a time when you all can find ways to move toward each other, in spite of the hurt that both you and them are feeling right now?

      • I think there’s stinging on both sides right now. If you are “really close” with your mom, I imagine she’s pretty stung, too. See how this progresses. Don’t set any thoughts in concrete just now.

      • +1. I sort of get why they would be hurt though. So it sounds like they are maybe they are just acting from that space? Not saying that’s right, but if I didn’t tell my mom for 3 months I think I would also give her some space to come to her senses too. So I would just leave it alone for a bit. Maybe they’ll change their mind.

        • FWIW, I have a very close friend whose parents did/said something similar (I think her dad even suggested that maybe he wouldn’t come at all and would just wait until the baby was old enough to travel to them – which would be a 5 hour flight + two hour drive). By the time my friend was into her third trimester, they’d totally changed their tune and her mom was there within 3 days of the birth.

      • I see what you’re saying about us waiting a while to tell them, but I just really wanted to wait so I hopefully wouldn’t have to share miscarriage news with anyone. It’s not my nature to want to share news like that even with people I’m very close to and my parents and best friends know that. We told my parents first, before any of my best friends and none of my BFFs are hurt or offended that I waited this long to tell them (that I know of, anyway). I told them “You’re the [first/second/third] person I’ve told outside our families” so I think they know that waiting for a while to tell them was a me-thing not a them-thing.

        • Gently, I understand your concern, but I also assume you didn’t expect your friends to come help you with the baby like you did your mom? I think this is just miscommunication and two sides being a little (and understandably) sad. I’m sure it will get better. Hugs.

        • I think people can be hurt even if they will eventually understand. I would be hurt if my best friend or my daughter never shared news of her miscarriage with me. It doesn’t mean that’s wrong but it would be something I would want to support them through and so I would be hurt if that was the rationale. As everyone has said, you’re entitled to your feelings but so are they. If you want them there, say so. Maybe they think you don’t really care.

          • Anonymous :

            I am usually in the “everyone is entitled to their feelings” camp, but in this case I think the expectation that OP would reveal her pregnancy news before the three-month mark is out of line and the parents have no right to feel hurt. It is her news to share when she feels the time is right. It’s not like she waited until she was about to pop to mention it. On the other hand, I don’t think OP is entitled to demand that her parents cancel their vacation to come help her with the baby either.

          • I have to agree with Anon at 1:39. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage, and the only person in the world who knows is my husband. I talk to my mom every single day and I talk to my dad probably three times a week. We are as close as I think anyone can be to their parents. And I absolutely never even considered telling them about my miscarriage. And when I later had two successful pregnancies, I didn’t tell them until I was at least four months pregnant (and they were the first people I told).

            OP, you are the boss of you. You do not have to meet anyone’s expectations about what to tell and when to tell it. If your parents are upset about that, that’s their decision (they are the boss of them, too), and maybe it is in some way a “consequence” of your choice of telling them “late” in their opinion. But you were entirely within your rights to make that decision. They, similarly, are entirely within their rights to be big babies about it and react harshly, which is what they are doing, and hopefully they will change their tune by January. And if they don’t, it will get better over time, I am sure.

        • We waited 14 weeks before telling both sets of parents. For my in-laws, it will be grandchild number 9. For my parents, it will be their first. I didn’t want to have to contact my parents to let them know we had miscarried, which would have broken their hearts. I think mums as shocked that we were so far along but otherwise, they are overjoyed.

    • Hi, first, congratulations! Second, you are allowed to feel how you feel. And your parents are allowed to feel how they feel. Would it help to think maybe they are saying the same things to their friends (maybe not on an 0nline thread, though)? They could just as easily be thinking: “We wanted to be there right away and be there as much as possible, but they waited to tell us, maybe they want their space? They will still need help when we get back to the vacation, so we will just give them space and see them when we get back. But I’m sad because she is acting like a distant relative just telling us she is expecting a baby.” Perhaps putting yourself in their shoes helps. From your perspective, you only want certain people to be there right after the birth (totally understandable) but you also are not a sharer and did not want to tell anyone if something south happened. Did you ever ask your parents to come help and stay with you? It sounds a bit like you assumed it but unless you told your parents you wanted them there, maybe they just decided they couldn’t know when/if you’d have a baby, so instead of waiting to just take a vacation because you might want help from them after 4 weeks of baby’s life. From their perspective, maybe they wanted to come and stay and really help but felt that that’s not what you wanted?

      Again, you are totally entitled to your feelings and so are they. It sounds more like miscommunication than anything. I will also say that while I know moms who stay and are fulltime help from day 1, there are others that are more like your in-laws and the new parents ask them to visit further out, which is understandable.

      I’m sorry you didn’t get the reaction you were hoping for, but congratulations on your little one!

    • JuniorMinion :

      On 1) they need to get over it. Its not like you waited until the baby was here. On 2), try to apply occam’s razor to this – if you and they have a good relationship otherwise maybe they just aren’t baby people or don’t want to crowd you or something of the like. A lot of people might feel uncomfortable intruding on your first days as a new mom and /or not find it all that fascinating the same way that you do because its a huge tectonic shift in your life, but maybe isn’t as much for them / they don’t feel its their place to have that level of involvement.

    • It sucks that your feelings are hurt and that your parents’ feelings are hurt. Did you tell them that you wanted them by your side during delivery and the first few weeks of the baby’s birth? Like literally, “Mom, Dad, I need you.” If they choose not to change their plans, so be it but I’m wondering how direct you were in communicating with them.

      Regarding in-laws – tell them to come later if you and your husband really don’t think that your in-laws will be able to provide you with real help. Seriously.

      • Thanks. Yes, I told them directly that I”d really like them to be there and I’m hurt they won’t be, and their reaction was “Well, we have this vacation planned then, sorry.” (They book their vacations more than a year in advance, so even if we told them the second we got a positive pregnancy test, the vacation would have already been booked. We got pregnant relatively quickly, so it was actually booked before we even started TTC). We just told them the news this weekend so I know they’re surprised and it hasn’t had time to sink in – perhaps they will change their mind.

        Fortunately husband is fully onboard with telling in-laws “You can visit at X time” where X is not immediately after the baby arrives. Neither of us thinks they will be any help and having his dad here is a huge that we don’t need in the first few weeks.

    • Without knowing the specifics of the trip, I’m surprised you’re so certain that it would be no big deal to reschedule. A month-long trip is presumably something that’s taken some considerable planning, so to dismiss it by saying, “Well, they’re rich and retired, they can reschedule” seems a little unfair to them, even though I can understand why your feelings would be hurt over this. But I think there’s definitely room for empathy on their side, as well – they are feeling hurt and left out that you waited so long to tell them, and maybe frustrated that you expect them to rearrange something significant?

      Also, since you say you’re close with them, presumably you knew about this month-long trip prior to sharing your due date. So, even with a concern for privacy in general, it might have been nice to give them a heads up sooner that you were planning for them to reschedule it so they could be with you at that time.

      Overall, I can definitely understand your feelings, but it can also be seen as a little bit self-centered – you wanted to keep this off their radar until you felt comfortable, but now that it’s on the radar, you want it to supersede everything else.

      • I see your point, but they booked this trip before we even started TTC. I didn’t see a lot of point in sharing pregnancy news super early when I knew the trip was already booked and I wasn’t otherwise ready to share the news. If they’d started talking about booking it in the last month or two I would have said something earlier.

        It’s a month in a condo in a tropical place they visit roughly every year (although they always go at a slightly different time of year and stay in a different condo). It’s definitely a nice trip, but the logistics aren’t complicated. From what they said last weekend it sounds like the condo is refundable and they’d just have to pay a fee to change their plane tickets to different dates.

        • I don’t know… they had a month long international trip booked for a year, and you sat on your news (which I believe you were completely in the right to do), and then decided to tell them 5 months out. You say that you didn’t see the point in telling them earlier– why not? Did you expect that they wouldn’t change their plans for you? Or just did you assume that they would? If so, it sounds like you figured it was no big deal to delay delivering news that you believed would make them want to rearrange their travel plans.

        • Anonymous :

          This was my question – how much of the trip was booked between the time you found out and the time you told them. Even if they booked flight/hotel before you found out, they might’ve booked other non-refundable excursions over the past month or two that they wouldn’t have booked if you’d told them earlier. Not that you owed it to them to tell them sooner, but I can see why they’re digging their heels in on this vacation if they spent money unnecessarily. I wonder if it might help if you told them that you found out about the pregnancy well after they’d already booked the vacation.

          • They booked the flights and condo more than a year in advance (long before I became pregnant). The condo is refundable, the flights would require a fee to change. They haven’t booked anything else, refundable or not. They normally get a rental car a month or two before they go, and since they they go to this place every year it’s kind of like a second home to them and they don’t do any organized excursions. They do the same kind of trip every year (although where they stay and when they go varies) so I knew they weren’t making any new plans between the pregnancy test and when I announced to them. If they were planning or booking things while I was pregnant, I would have told them earlier. They were very clear last weekend that the flights would be the only thing they’d have to pay to change and I know they bought the flights in December 2016.
            I think they believe they should have been informed when I started TTC, but that’s way too personal to me to share and you also have no idea at that point when the baby will be due. I’m sure if I said “I’m trying to get pregnant, don’t take any vacations!” they would have ignored me (as they should have, because that would be crazy).

          • I guess I just don’t get what you expected to happen. God willing, your parents will have ample time to visit with you and your baby and help you. “Missing” the first few weeks might seem like an enormous deal now– considering that having the baby will be a momentous first in your life– but in the grand scheme of things, maybe it sort of isn’t?

            My sister’s baby was in the NICU for 10 weeks and one of my parents didn’t visit for over a month despite being less than a 5 hour drive away. Now that’s a little messed up. (Now this parent cries tears of joy whenever parent so much as speaks of Precious Child…. this isn’t an indicator that they will not care about you or your baby.) But at the end of the day, people have lives. They chose this date for their vacation a year out for a reason. You seem very certain that they absolutely could move it no hassle whatsoever, but to me, all that sounds like is you digging your heels in and wanting to be right.

            If it’s too personal for you to share when you started TTC, do you really want your mom and dad to watch you deliver the afterbirth or figure out how to breastfeed or hanging around when you’re still in the mesh-panty wearing stage of recovery? I’m sorry, the more I read on this thread the crazier I think it is that you expect your parents to change their vacation because of your due date.

      • Trust me, I get the hurt, OP, but LAnon’s last paragraph is spot on. You can’t manage or direct people’s feelings for them.

      • I just want to say you get to be “self-centered” when you’re having a baby; or, in the alternative, I don’t think it’s self-centered at all to keep your pregnancy off the radar as long as you want and also ask your parents to be there. It’s just not.

        • Sure, you can be, but that doesn’t mean you can expect other people to not have their own feelings.

    • My parents never react with exuberant happiness to any of my big news (getting into college, getting engaged/married, pregnancy announcements, etc.) My mom in particular tends to react like a damp towel. I see other families reacting with unabashed enthusiasm and happiness, and that’s just not my family and it makes me sad. So I totally hear you.

      That said, this might be a blessing in disguise. I know so many people who have the opposite problem, where their families/in-laws want to crash the hospital while they are in labor or stay with them for weeks after the baby is born. It can turn into a huge, boundary-setting battle that leaves everyone feeling hurt. Not having guests for the first month sounds kind of amazing, honestly. In my experience, a month out you’ll be feeling so much better, recovered from delivery, and happy to have people around by then.

      • +1 to this second paragraph.

      • Thanks! It’s good to know that not having any guests for the first month might be better anyway.

        • Having my mom around after I gave birth would basically have been the last thing I would have wanted.

      • Anonattorney :

        Yes! I would not have wanted a houseguest the first month. Even my parents. If you want help during the first couple of weeks, I’d strongly suggest hiring a doula. They can provide services after the birth and even stay with you overnight. This would have been much more helpful to me than either set of parents.

    • Anonymous :

      Honestly, sometimes having people visit right after the baby is born is more trouble than its worth.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Word. Unless they come to silently sweep and do dishes, then to hold the baby while you shower and lie about whether or not she cried (she cried, they should tell you she didn’t), and then leave… that’s basically all an immediately post-partum visitor should do. They can bring food too, that wouldn’t make me mad.

        • Anonymous :

          I have to say that my parents and my MIL were angels the week I gave birth. They provided food, cleaned up the house, did laundry, walked the dog, and told me to take a 2 hour nap while they held the baby. I will never forget they did that for me.

    • I’m sorry you’re hurt. If it matters, I don’t think your parents have any reason to be upset with you. I just had a first trimester miscarriage and I really regret telling people I was pregnant (third pregnancy, was smart enough to keep my mouth shut in first two pregnancies). I don’t think your parents are obligated to reschedule their vacation, but did you invite them? This may just be a miscommunication. I would let them know you don’t expect them to change their vacation plans, but if they do, you would be more than happy to host them for X amount of time (or whatever you are willing to do).

      I have to say that I’ve never understood why anyone would want their parents to come stay when they have a baby; I guess I just don’t have that type of relationship with my parents. Our first weeks at home with our first baby was a very special bonding time for my family of three. I think both my husband and I were more confident parents because we didn’t have anyone around second-guessing us – we figured things out together.

    • Anonymous :

      First off, they may change their mind as the event gets closer. So don’t write off their involvement just yet. I can understand their feelings of being upset, but I also think that maybe they just need time to think and absorb before they figure out how they feel, and what they want to do.

      Secondly, you absolutely get to decide how and when you tell people about your pregnancy. You don’t get to decide how people react to it, including your own parents. I think you’re being a little unreasonable to think that they are immediately going to drop everything and rearrange their life because you are having a baby. Take it from someone who has been there: expecting anyone else to be as excited and invested in your pregnancy as you are is asking for disappointment. My parents were very excited about being grandparents, but their life went on. Additionally, many older people are either A., not that excited about babies, and B. lack the stamina and energy it takes to care for a newborn.

      I’m very happy for you and wish you all the best in your pregnancy. But this can kind of be the first lesson in parenting: when the chips are down, this is all about you. No one else has the responsibility and obligations you have toward your child. The only person you can reasonably expect to share parenting burdens with you is the baby’s father; anyone else who wants to get involved is a bonus.

    • Anonymous :

      Wait. No. Sorry. Your parents get to live their lives. Just like you did. You didn’t want them to know except on your schedule. They aren’t rearranging their lives around you. Seems fair? And your in laws would help but again they don’t perfectly fit your schedule. I think you should take a step back.

      • Anonymous :

        Umm, maybe you haven’t had a child yet but it’s kind of a big deal and the OP made clear that she is close to her parents and legitimately expected them to be excited for her. She waited the normal amount of time to tell them, and a LOT of parents would be willing to cancel vacations to spend those first few weeks with their grandchildren (my parents just cancelled a vacation when my sister got pregnant unexpectedly). So don’t make her feel guilty for doing what she felt was right – she had a legitimate expectation that they would respond differently.

        • Anonymous :

          “and a LOT of parents would be willing to cancel vacations to spend those first few weeks with their grandchildren”

          If parents volunteer to do this, that’s wonderful.

          If a pregnant woman *expects* this to happen, she is acting like a spoiled little princess, and she needs to get over herself.

          Women have babies every day and the world keeps turning. The sooner a pregnant woman figures this out, the better. Parent life is not always a Pinterest-worthy mommy blog, aka, a fairy tale.

          • Anonymous :

            Are you the Anonymous from Friday that said a wedding is not a coronation and non-attending guests don’t deserve beheading? I’m still laughing at that one.

          • Anonymous :

            No, but I cosign that sentiment one thousand percent!

          • Anonymous :

            I think you’re being a little harsh but I agree with the sentiment. Maybe OP’s parents are really looking forward to this vacation. They can’t plan their lives around when OP may be getting pregnant.

        • Anonymous :

          I do have a child and I think both parties are in the wrong here: the parents for expecting that OP would tell them immediately, and OP for expecting her parents to drop everything to help her out. OP is presumably a self-supporting adult. She does not owe a pregnancy announcement to anyone at any particular time, and her parents don’t owe her anything in terms of visitation or assistance.

          • Just to be clear, the main reason I want them to visit is not for the help (although I’m sure that would be nice), but for them to meet their grandchild at the very beginning of his or her life. My disappointment stems from the fact that I won’t have my parents there sharing in this incredible moment (and what I perceived – rightly or wrong – about their lack of enthusiasm about the whole thing). If my main goal was having help, there are definitely other, easier ways to get it.

          • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

            Agree 100% with this.

          • OP, maybe they’re just not tiny newborn baby people. Your child isn’t going to benefit from this because there’s no way your child will remember it. Sounds like your parents have their own preferences and they don’t happen to be the same as yours.

    • Triggered af :

      Honestly, they are being ridiculous. you do not HAVE to tell anyone anything until YOU want to. I am so sick of people being entitled to things that are other people’s decisions. Many of us are living proof that not everyone parent’s are *best* or not stress inducing. At this point, if I were you I’d hire help for that first month. Have the potential nanny or night nurse all back ground checked and ready to go on standby should you need help. It sucks but as someone who has crappy parents and in laws that I am not fond off – that’s my game plan. I will tell them when I want to and I will have them around when I want them around. Because carrying life and having a new baby IS NOT A JOKE. you deserve your privacy respected (not leaking around in laws) and you don’t have to feel guilty to keeping something so important to yourself until you feel ready. Enjoy your pregnancy and set up systems to have help along with the help from DH. *just in case*

      • Triggered af :

        As someone who is VERY private and also very private about my health/sexuality I would NOT be OK telling my parents the moment I conceived I am pregnant. Nor would I want my in laws around me at such a vulnerable time. I dont even wear a bare face without makeup around them – much less be fresh off the birthing table. I am ranting to say – take your time and dont let anyone make you feel guilty. And CONGRATS :)

        • Anonymous :

          That’s fine. But you’re also not entitled to have them have no feelings about it and reschedule a vacation to take care of you.

          • Triggered af :

            I didn’t mention anything about their vacation :)

          • Triggered af :

            Also didn’t say anything about their feelings because I’m not talking to them. I’m talking to the OP about HER feelings.

            People, I swear…. sigh.

      • Anonymous :

        +10000

    • Anonymous :

      I am surprised that people think telling your parents at the end of the first trimester is abnormal. I’m an only child who would describe myself as very close to my parents, and I told them at 12 weeks. I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think I would have told them if I’d had a miscarriage in the first tri. Over the course of the next week or two, we told my in-laws and several close friends. More distant friends found out once I was showing (if they lived near us) or through a Christmas card (if they didn’t). We never made a big social media announcement. We just preferred to keep it more private until our daughter was here. I’m not sure when they told their parents, but my two best friends told me about their pregnancies at ~14 weeks and both told me they hadn’t told any other friends yet. So I think the end of the first tri is a pretty normal time to tell family and close friends. I think it’s ridiculous for your parents to be upset, but I also think they will probably get over it before the baby arrives.

    • You did nothing wrong – you shared the news when you felt to share the news.
      Your parents are acting irrationally and they will come around as your pregnancy progresses, I am sure.
      I would wait a month and then open the topic with your mother again. Tell her that even though you are looking forward for the baby, you are concerned with how you will cope in the first weeks and that you would live to have her at your side during that time. If this does not melt her heart, I would raise the stake and add that this is something that only she can be trusted with. You do not want your mother in law there – you want her there.

  43. Any recs for cozy cardigans like the one featured on Friday, but at about half that price or less (<$50)?

    • I’ve been looking at the bobeau cardigans, but not sure how nice they are. I feel like they’ve been mentioned here previously, hoping someone who owns one will chime in…

      • Nice in the beginning, don’t wear/wash that well. But I am not the best at laundry so maybe if you have the patience to hand wash and air dry…

      • I love my Bobeau cardigans that are made of sweatshirt like material. I also accidentally ordered one that was made of a textured synthetic material and I don’t like it at all. The only thing that would make them better are pockets.

  44. Anyone planning to go outside at lunch to try to catch the eclipse?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Just did! Not a full eclipse here but it was pretty neat!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      92% in Seattle! SO COOL! But now I’m paranoid I burned my retinas (I used glasses. It’s probably just allergies).

      • Me too! I get light sensitivity migraines so I suspect that’s all it is. Anxiety FTW.

        • Me three. A colleague used my same glasses (we passed them back and forth) and she didn’t seem bothered, so I think I probably didn’t melt my eyeballs.

      • Anonymous :

        +1

        I glanced up quickly and am pretty sure I burned my already damaged eyes. Whoops. Loved all the sharing in NYC though!

    • Sitting here waiting for the darkness. Had a heinous morning, took the rest of the day off, and keeping company with Shots Shots Shots good friend, Wine In A Tervis Cup. I’m not in the path of totality, but am not far out of it either – supposed to be 99%.

      • Anonymous :

        I missed it because I was hanging out in my office with a work-appropriate relative of Shots Shots Shots, Peanut Butter on a Spoon.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Yes! I went out to the parking lot with my eclipse glasses and had fun sharing them with people! We had about 60% and it was pretty great!

    • Anonymous :

      We just had about 50-60% where I am (Canada). It was super cool.

    • A bunch of us climbed out a window to watch through a granola box pinhole projector!

    • Marshmallow :

      I saw it! A woman was yelling in our crowded NYC park, “Anybody still need to see?” and passing around a bunch of pairs of eclipse glasses. Kindness is not dead.

    • Caught it here in Raleigh–almost total, very cool! Fun event with co-workers and folks in the building.

  45. Housecounsel :

    Cloud cover in Chicago. So sad!

  46. Triggered af :

    I hate when people are so entitled. And I hate when your talking about your feelings and instead of addressing that FIRST, their response is to challenge you with theirs. People suck.

    • Anonymous :

      Okay I hate it when people get triggered by others genuinely trying to answer questions they asked the internet.

      • There are definitely people who ask questions looking for validation that they are right, not actually looking for genuine opinions. You can tell pretty easily when they become very defensive about everything. And I totally understand the need to be validated; it’s something I probably do too much in my own life. But I go to real life friends for that, not strangers on the internet.

    • Anonymous :

      Life gets very, very difficult when you walk around believing that “people (universally) suck.” Try therapy, seriously. It might help.

      Also, food for thought. Your feelings are important, but you might feel better if you can acknowledge that they are not always the most important thing, in any given situation. Other people and their feelings also matter. If you’re having trouble with personal relationships, the lack of that acknowledgement may be playing a role. I hope you feel better and have a better day tomorrow.

      • My feelings are also way easier to deal with when I stop to consider things from other people’s perspectives. It’s like magic – boom, my hurt feelings become way less hurt when I realize other people have feelings that make them act a certain way, too.

    • Linda from HR :

      I think it’s pretty normal to respond to someone’s experience with something about your own, same goes for feelings. It wasn’t until I got into the Awesome Etiquette podcast that I learned to avoid “me too” statements because they make the conversation about you rather than keep it focused on the other person. The people you’re dealing with probably haven’t learned it yet.

  47. Just rambled like a total moron in front of one of our city’s councilmembers- representing my nonprofit at an outreach event today and they stopped by and I just rambled on and on. I got nervous. :( I don’t usually get nervous talking about my work, but I was and I’m sure I looked ridiculous. So frustrated/embarrassed.

    • Anonymous :

      You’re being awfully hard on yourself. I’m guessing that you WEREN’T ridiculous or a total moron. You wouldn’t have been hired for your job if you were.

      We all have moments when we don’t measure up the way we’d have liked to, but other people often either a) don’t notice or b) don’t remember. Go take a bit of a walk, laugh at it if you can, and be really kind to yourself.

  48. Anonymous :

    If your city councilmembers are anything like mine, they also look like total morons at least 50% of the time.

  49. These pants have a great stretch to them and a tailored fit! And love that they come in fall colors too.

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