Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Dosina Belted Sheath Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

boss sheath dress dosinaI’m seeing a lot of this dusty olive color right now — and while olive pants were one of my surprise workhorses in the past, those were a bit of a darker green, and this beiger, khaki color isn’t totally my bag.  Still: the dress is too fabulous to not include in case this dusty color is right for you — I love the artistic, almost organic draping at the neckline, the otherwise classic cut of the dress, and the quality Boss is renowned for. The dress is old out several places, alas, but Bloomingdale’s still has it for $575. Dosina Belted Sheath Dress

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Comments

  1. Yay Kat! Pricey Monday’s and a beautiful Sheathe dress! I showed Dad and he reminded himself of some women in the milatary he “dated” behind the iron curtain. He said the khacki dresses they were left alot more room for stuff. FOOEY on dad for doeing that with women other then mom! But dad says he was NOT married or even engaged to mom then, so what he did on his own time with OTHER women were OK. I said I disagreed b/c he was dateing mom, and he would NOT want to bring home critters that she would catch. FOOEY!

    I had a very good weekend, doeing 15,337 steps yesterday. Myrna came over and we walked all over Central Park, and then over to Carl Schruz park. The manageing partner’s brother said he would come but we told him we walked VERY fast and did NOT want him to feel slow. He agreed, but gave Myrna a wink when he looked at her body. FOOEY on him. He is twice her age!

  2. Nervous public speaker :

    Hi all, I have to do some public speaking this afternoon in front of some very important people and I am super nervous. I could use pointers and encouragement!!

    • Calling all vicarious interior decorators! :

      Maybe obvious, but make sure you have notes and/or practice what you are going to say, even if it’s super simple.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I posted something similar one time and power poses were suggested to me. They seem weird, but they work. I even find just standing in what is essentially a military “parade rest” stance with my legs and with my shoulders back makes me feel more confident.

      Other than that: remember to breathe. They’re just people. They’re not going to notice your mistakes as much as you unless you make a big deal of them.

    • Speak slowly and enunciate. If my speech sounds slow to my ear, it’s probably the right speed (I talk pretty fast).

      • This is what dad told me! He also said to picture everyone in the audience without there clothe’s on, and that way, YOU wont be self consius. I can HARDLY imageine me talking to the manageing partner w/o his clothes on! FOOEY!

    • You’ll be great! Know you stuff, and also (1) Speak slower than feels natural, (2) bring bottled water in case your mouth gets dry or you start coughing, and (3) Pause before answering any questions.

    • Practice saying out loud the first few lines you will say. It will feel ridiculous, but it works for me. “Good afternoon. Thank you for being here today. I’m here to address [blah blah blah]” or whatever it is you are going to say. That way, the beginning just rolls right off your tongue, and then you have momentum working for you.

    • S in Chicago :

      Think of it like you’re having a normal business meeting expressing your point. Somehow getting in the mode of this is just a normal discussion always puts me at ease and helps come across as more conversational. If you lose your place or need a moment to compose, look to the projection of the slide. That always helps me refocus on the point I’m trying to make..

    • Anonymous :

      Please tell me you’re Sally Yates!!! :)

    • Minnie Beebe :

      Be sure you have (at least) your opening and closing lines planned out. Opening lines because it’ll help set you up for a successful presentation. Closing lines so that you finish strongly and don’t just trail off at the end.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      My best advice is to play to your strengths as you see them. I think of myself as “bad at public speaking” but “good at teaching” so if I can turn “a speech” into “teaching” in my head, it goes much better.

    • A sort-of weird mental trick that’s been helpful for me is to tell myself that all my nervous symptoms mean that I am excited. I tell myself things like ‘Wow, I’m really EXCITED about this talk’ and focus on that message. It should be impossible to trick yourself that way, but for me it really works.

  3. Im just starting to get into morning workouts and if anyone has any tips on making my mornings run smoothly I’d love to hear them! I’m laying out my clothes and packing my breakfast and lunch the night before but struggle with getting out of bed and with dealing with wet hair in the AM (I usually shower at night)

    • Calling all vicarious interior decorators! :

      Any way you can just embrace the air dry, or get a cut that works better for that? 4 years into motherhood, I can count on my fingers the number of times I’ve blown my hair dry in the mornings, and it hasn’t really affected anything. Getting out of bed is harder. Do you have a friend you can meet to work out with? The fear of leaving somebody waiting is a good motivator.

      • +1 I finally gave up the blow drier and embraced my slight wave. Mornings are so much better.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Time it. Force yourself to do a perfect morning and then time it for 3-4 days how it actually goes- my perfect bedtime routine takes about 50 minutes. But I know myself that it takes more than an hour on average. I now know that if I want to get into bed by 10:30, I need to start getting ready by 9:20. For you, know when you have to leave and work backwards from there.

      Make sure your bag is packed the night before, too. If you know you need something specific, put it by the front door. If you cannot leave the house without something, put your keys in or on it.

      In terms of getting out of bed, I like setting a couple of alarms. One on my Fitbit about ten minutes before I have to get up to start waking me up. Then another on my alexa that turns on my bedside lamp. Then one on my phone in the kitchen to make me actually get out of bed.

      • This is genius, Sloan – totally stealing this (more for my life than early morning workouts!)

        OP: Sleep in workout clothes, if that’s comfortable to you (e.g., sports bra & shorts, add shirt/socks/shoes and get out of the house).

      • I am curious what takes 50 minutes before bed. Are you talking about getting lunch packed and an outfit laid out for the next day, or is this a beauty regimen? Right now my bedtime routine consists of – feel tired, wash the wine glass, lay head on pillow. But I am trying to do everything better.

        • My getting ready for bed routine is turn off tv, wash face, brush teeth, lotion, bed. Maybe 10 minutes on a slow day?

        • Wildkitten :

          Put away screens an hour before to kick off a really great bedtime routine. (I fail at this almost daily.)

        • I like some time to decompress before bed and it gradually turns into a more-and-more elaborate routine. Currently includes: exercises, reading while enjoying my tea and dessert, bathroom/teeth/face, pjs, vitamins, moisturizer, read in bed until I fall asleep. That’s at least a half hour depending on how long I linger over the tea.

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          I have a half hour medical treatment I have to do every night.

          But it goes: PJs on after bath if I take one, wash face, brush teeth, lay out stuff for the next day, quick clean up of my apartment/put in laundry/start dishwasher (sometimes all three, usually just clean up), take nighttime pills while i microwave my lavender owl, do my treatment for half an hour, into bed and read for a bit, lights out.

      • Sloan, are you at all similar in outlook to Miss Sloane from the movies? If you are at all like her, we will consider you a success also!

    • pugsnbourbon :

      It sounds like you’re on the right track. For me, I have to go to bed knowing that when my alarm goes off, there are no obstacles between me and the door.

      My decision to go back to a pixie cut was motivated in part by switching to morning workouts.

      I will say that it gets easier every time you do it, and it’ll seem like routine soon enough.

    • anon a mouse :

      I bargain with myself in the mornings. “Just 10 minutes.” If I can get up and get dressed and out the door to work out, I always give myself permission to cut the workout short after 10 minutes. I’ve done it maybe twice in several years — mornings where I really did need some extra time to sip coffee instead of working out. But almost always, if I start a workout I will finish it.

      As far as hair, depending on your style and hair texture, dry shampoo may be your friend on some days?

    • Possibly not a solution for all hair types, but I _love_ my hooded hair dryer as a time saver. I can eat breakfast and drink my coffee while my hair dries. My hair is curly, and I wear it down and curly most days. It actually looks way better with the hooded dryer than with a handheld. Might not work for straight hair, I have no way to know.

    • I’ve started plugging my phone in to charge across the room. This has 2 benefits in helping me get up and get to morning workouts: 1) I use my phone as my alarm so I have to get out of bed in order to turn it off – makes it difficult to snooze unless I’m really really tired, and 2) I no longer venture down the rabbit hole of internet/facebook/instagram while laying in bed and getting ready to sleep.

  4. I’m in need of some advice on a Mother’s Day gift for my mom. Her mother died 5 months ago, so I know it will be a very difficult day for her. I’m also pregnant with her first grandchild. So far, I have come up with only one idea – a coffee mug that says Nana est. 2017, but since that is what I called her mom, I may wait until I give birth next month. My mom doesn’t live in the same town as me, but will be visiting me this weekend. In years past, I have just given her an Amazon gift card since she loves to read books on her kindle. This year, I’d like to do something more personal, but I’m not sure what else to do. She doesn’t like any sort of spa treatment, clothes shopping, gardening, cooking, etc. She enjoys spending time with family, reading, and playing with her two dogs. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

    • Are you close with her? A handwritten note telling her how much she means to you, what she had taught you about being a mother, how you look forward to doing all of that with your own child?

    • Corny, but I knew my mom would like it (and she did) – I got her a mug that said, “Only the very best mothers get promoted to grandmother” or something like that. We don’t call her Grandma (we have another family name) but I figured it covered the bases. This is what I got her when I was pregnant with her first grandchild last year.

    • Along with the suggested handwritten note, how about a picture frame with a photo of you and her mom and an empty frame (same size) for a photo of her and the new baby?

    • What about a memory book to start for your baby-to-be?
      This one got good reviews on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Memories-My-Grandchild-Keepsake-Grandparents/dp/144130262X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1494251856&sr=1-1&keywords=grandma+gifts

    • Last year was my mom’s first year as a grandmother, and I got her a cookie jar because I figure all grandmas need one? She loved it.

    • What about a really nice edition of a book she read to you as a child? Something she could read to your future child.

    • the leslie stahl book, Becoming Grandma, is very well reviewed.

    • Have you thought about calling her something other than Nana? It may be easier for her to have her own special name.

      • I would, but my mom decided after her mother passed that she wanted to be called the same thing. I want to honor that choice, but I know it will be hard for both of us at first.

    • This is a small gift (and could be an accompaniment to some of the suggestions above) but I gave one of these to my Dad and he loved it (and he subsequently completed it and then gave it back to me as a Christmas gift):

      http://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/my-mom-dan-zadra/1114066706/2694929500123?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Marketplace+Shopping+greatbookprices_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP24181

      It’s a nice way to have certain memories of your parents preserved for the future. Some of the questions are really great – I learned things about my Dad that I never knew. I’m now going to get one for my Mom.

      • It’s also on Amazon (I couldn’t find it when I searched earlier) if that’s easier: https://www.amazon.com/gp/buy/spc/handlers/display.html?hasWorkingJavascript=1

  5. St. Lucia :

    Has anyone been to St. Lucia? Renting a house so especially interested in info on getting around? food shopping?Things to do, etc.

    • No advice but following for future ideas! Sounds lovely.

    • Interested that you rented a house. I haven’t been there for ten years but my impression at that time was very much like Jamaica – safe on resort generally speaking but not somewhere I would feel comfortable venturing off resort on my own. We generally rent houses and rarely stay at resorts when we travel.

      • No comment on safety, since I haven’t been, but I just found out this fun fact about St Lucia real estate this weekend and I thought I’d share! St. Lucia apparently allows for non-St-Lucia-born people to gain citizenship by either “donating” $100k to the govt or by buying real estate worth $300k. So a bunch of people have bought nice homes that are always empty, so the St. Lucia vacation rental market has more supply than other markets.

        • This is a pretty common way to raise funds in developing countries. It actually might be an interesting way to open up opportunities as St. Lucia is part of the Commonwealth and there are various scholarships/academic exchanges etc that are open to Commonwealth member states – obviously very few that are worth more than $300K though.

  6. Car buying tips? :

    Ladies, I need any tips you can throw my way! My car is dying on me and I have decided it’s finally time for a replacement. I have only bought used in the past but am tired of dealing with the issues that come along with buying used cars. So I think a nice modest Honda Civic would still be in my budget to purchase brand new from a dealer.

    I’ve already looked online and I’m planning on trying to settle on a price before I ever even walk into a dealership. My plan is to find the place that offers the lowest price on the mode I want and then ask several other places if they can beat that price and then just go with the lowest price.

    Am I missing anything? I’m a very small female who looks closer to 15 than 30 (sigh) and wouldn’t be able to bring any males with me (ugh, I’m aware of the horrible biases inherent in car shopping). In the past, even when shopping for furniture, etc, I’ve often experienced being talked to at first as if I’m a child/someone who doesn’t know much – and I guess I’m trying to avoid that here. It’s not very pleasant to deal with that and I’ve become less tolerant of it the older I get.

    So really, any tips would be greatly appreciated! (Even just re general car buying too)

    • Costco and AAA have services to negotiate car purchases.

      • Car buying tips? :

        Thanks. I forgot to mention that I’m already using a combination of AAA, USAA, and TrueCar and will be using that as my starting point to negotiating via email.

        • +1,000,000 True Car.

        • If you know what you want, then just have AAA buy it for you. You get the best price with no negotiation and they will deliver the car to your house and take away your old one. If you send them some information about your current car, they will also price out a trade in. I had a 10 year old jetta that had significant body damage and needed a new transmission and they gave me $1200.

          My family has done this on several occasions. Literally never a need to go to the dealership.

          • I had no idea this was a thing but will definitely be using it next time I buy. Thanks, to you and halp.

      • I used Costco and I was pretty happy with the result.

    • The only deal you have is the one that’s on paper, so read everything. In front of them. Take up their time. I was at the dealership 5 hours when I bought my car. I’ve been spending some free on Reddit’s personal finance subreddit – I still can’t believe how many people got taken by not reading the docs, not correcting errors they find, and relying on the salespeople’s word. At the end of the day, all you really have to do is know your out-the-door price, know your financing terms, and read the documents they put in front of you.

      • Carvana.com – my friends loved the whole process and were very happy

      • I had a more complicated answer than this, but yes, know the out-the-door price and your financing terms. They will play the “monthly payment” game. Bring a calculator.

        I’ve bought two new cars in the last 4 years. Dealer financing at 0.9%. I did the math ahead of time knowing roughly what my purchase price would be, along with taxes/fees, and what monthly payment that would result in. Both times the monthly payment they quoted me was higher than I had worked out – in the $20-$40 range. The first time the salesman claimed that someone had included in a particular warranty I hadn’t requested. The second time the saleswoman said “oh, they used a higher interest rate just in case you didn’t qualify for the 0.9%.” Really? Then why does the paperwork still say 0.9%. Both times the salesperson had to “go to the back to talk to the manager” after I pointed it out to them so I’m convinced that they add things in to the monthly payment to try to scam you.

        • This. Do your math ahead of time. Do your research and test driving ahead of time. Know the exact car you want, with the exact configuration you want, and the MSRP of that car. (Which should be higher than the price you actually pay.)

          So then you can call and say – I want the 2017 Honda Civic LX with CVT 2.0L in black or silver, with a silver interior. Tell me what you have available and at what price. Don’t go in the dealership until you verify they have the car you want at a reasonable price.

          For financing, check out your bank or insurance company to see if they do auto loans. Get pre-qualified through them to see what kind of rate and terms you could get there. Do your math to make sure you know what your options are. Then you can compare that to the dealer’s terms. Sometimes you can get a better deal if you tell them you’ll pay cash (aka finance it somewhere else). Sometimes you can get a better deal if you say, look I’m already pre-approved for a 60 month loan at 0.875% and a monthly payment of $300. Tell me if you can beat that, otherwise I’ll finance it elsewhere.

          Bring copies of your license. They always take it to the back to make copies, which takes like an hour and is annoying if you get frustrated and want to leave. So make a copy ahead of time for them, and give them the copy.

          Treat your current car as a completely separate transaction. No talking about trading it in to get a better deal on the new car. Just deflect all those questions. You can discuss that after you’ve locked the price/rate/payment that you want. If you get any money for it, you can take that as a check and then use it yourself to pay down some of your loan. (Read the fine print of the loan to make sure you can pre-pay without penalty.) Once you’ve got everything locked down on new car, then you can talk about current car. Do your research on that one ahead of time, maybe get a 30 day quote from Carfax, and ask them to beat that by $1500 or something.

          • All of this is spot on,, ESPECIALLY the last paragraph.

          • Excel Geek :

            Agree figuring out the exact car you want and then calling and negotiating over the phone. At that point the only leverage they have with you is price. Take the best offer you get and go to the dealership you prefer (if it’s close to home etc) and more often than not, they will match it.

    • Can you bring a female friend? I’d suggest dressing up a little (rather than t-shirt and jeans) and wearing some nice jewelry. You can also be straightforward in your tone and avoid smiling too much— I’ve had luck with that in the past. Confidence!

      • + 1 to bring a friend, as long as she/he is excellent at negotiating. I brought my mom along, and with her excellent haggling skills I got the car at the price I wanted.

    • I’m a stone cold B in situations like this and it works pretty well. I bought a car on my own while 7 months pregnant and got a lot of, “should I check with your husband,” or “don’t you really want [car I didn’t want.]?” Still managed to walk / waddle out with the car and price I wanted. Here is what worked for me:

      1. I came in with a print out of the cheapest price.

      2. I didn’t fill up awkward silences – I let them do their pitch, did a 10 second of dead stare, and relied upon “No” and “That is more than I am willing to pay” as my responses. I walked out of a couple of places when those answers weren’t sufficient.

      3. Negotiate the price of a trade in separately – don’t let them know on the front end. Lock them in to the price on the new car, then subtract the value of the trade in.

      • PrettyPrimadonna :

        I will be shopping for a new car soon and have a paid-off trade-in. What do you mean by don’t let them know on the front end? That I have a trade-in? Advice for avoiding that conversation upfront?

      • Yes! All of this. From being a stone cold B to being totally prepared to negotiate both the new car and the trade-in value. My last car that I traded in was a 5 year old Corolla and the salesperson tried to tell me all kinds of BS about what it was worth and how they would have a hard time selling it because it was a stick shift. I knew it was BS and said so. It was pristine. They sold it before my new car even arrived.

        I’ve never had this happen before but when I bought my current car, the salesperson was doing all of the financial negotiation and actually got the cost of payments wrong. I ended up totally redoing the financing with the financial person and that ticked me off. I would probably handle that differently.

      • +1,000 to stone cold B. I paid for my TDI in cash and then the replacement hybrid in cash. They tried to get me to fill out a financing application. Aww hell nah. I know you need OFAC information, but that doesn’t require a financing application giving you permission to run my credit!

        I negotiated everything on email, the overnighted me the paperwork, and I wired the money, and it was THE BEST. I walked in the day of the purchase and drove out with my car about 10 minutes later. Highly recommend.

        I also recommend CarGurus.com. Not sure if the other sites do this, but CG shows you how long the car has been advertised (giving you an idea of how long it has been on the lot) and ranks them as bad deal, fair deal, good deal, etc., so you have a ballpark of where the car at the price it’s listed ranks.

    • So I bought my last car by myself (I’m also small and young looking), and there are a few things I would recommend:

      – eat before you go and pack snacks and Advil in your purse. I was so hungry by the end of the day that I had a splitting headache. I have no idea why buying a car takes so long, but I think I was at the dealership for 3-4 hours.
      – the phrase “out the door” is very useful. For example “I want to pay $20,000 out the door”. They tried to up-sell me all these extras that I didn’t want, and I wish I had been more clear about that at the beginning of the process. I didn’t realize that’s what was happening until halfway into the guy’s spiel about “protection plans”, at which point I had wasted a lot of both of our time. I will be much more clear upfront about what I do and don’t want next time I do this.
      – Lots of people recommend CarMax. I was going to go with them, but a dealership offered me a ton more for trading in my old car. Like, twice as much as CarMax was going to pay, so it’s worth asking about what you can get in trade in at multiple places, if you’re planning on trading in your old car.
      – Get your financing lined up ahead of time if you can. CarMax offered me a loan through someone or other, but the interest rate was insane. I have excellent credit, so I have no idea why that was. I ended up getting a loan through my credit union for a dramatically lower rate.

      • We have not had great experiences with CarMax. They tried to low-ball me on my trade-in by about a thousand dollars, and when I pushed back the guy started trying to talk me out of buying a new car. I also don’t think their prices are all that competitive.

        • Their prices aren’t competitive – you’re paying a premium to avoid the process of negotiating for your new car.

          • I get that, but their prices are regularly $3k-8k over KBB prices, in our area. I like avoiding hassle, but not that much. When I was shopping for my Hyundai, they were charging almost as much for a car that had 30k miles on it as the MSRP was for a brand-new car. No thanks. That being said, I’ve heard that in some places they’re more price-competitive.

      • Dealers draw out the process to wear you down. They know (or think) you’re more likely to settle if you’ve been there for hours and just want to leave, but don’t want all that time to go to waste. No matter how long you’ve been there, always be willing to walk away. When I bought my car, I managed to get the deal I wanted by saying “I’m gonna go” and actually getting up to leave (secretly, I was both frustrated by the whole process and very emotional about selling my first car, I was about to break down and didn’t want the guy to see that). Thing is, the dealer doesn’t want those hours going to waste either, they want to make a sale more than you want the car.

        • +1 for sure!

          When we bought my car two years ago, my husband and I went to the dealer together. After an eternity of the salesman game of ‘let me check with my manager’ I got up to leave, and told them we were done. My husband thought we should just give in and settle, but he went along with me anyway. As soon as we got in our car, I said to husband “watch this, they’ ll call before we even get home.” They did. And met our price. So don’t be afraid to walk out.

      • I know cars well enough that I bought a used car from CarMax (Dealer car with 7k miles) I did not have the option of negotiating, but the price was fair. They had a great rate for financing, and beat what my credit union was offering (1%) so I went with them.

        My car was old, and tired, and running. I thought about trading it in. What I did was donate it and was able to pick a charity that I wanted (NAMI) and got that set up. The first paperwork I got was for a flat amount to claim as a deduction. There were also instructions that said I could ask for a revised tax form that had the actual amount that the car sold for at auction, and I was glad that I asked, as it was $700 more for my deductions. I only recommend this for Hoop’ds. If it’s in good shape to sell used, price it $200 under the Blue book value and put it on Craigslist – IF you have the time.

    • Minnie Beebe :

      Remember that you have all the power in this situation. Really. You can simply walk away if you don’t like how things are going.

      I would try to avoid falling in love with any one car [know your must-haves, but having flexibility on the rest is helpful], and be prepared to walk.

      • When I was in my 20’s, I NEEDED to buy a car. I walked into a car dealership and got the chauvanist treatment. I was patient, but after the second ‘talk to the manager’ routine, I was through. I said let’s not waste each other’s time. I’m not ready to buy, I’m going. I went to the next dealer, and had my game on. Negotiated a much better price for the same car. Took it for a test drive. Parked it in the next dealer’s lot. They were trying to sell me a different car, and almost succeeded. Came back to return the keys for the test-driven car, and the price went lower, and we bought it. If your salesperson wants to be in on the test drive…it’s partially my fault.

        It was the end of the month. (not sure if that helps) And I did not breathe a WORD of my dear car being dead. I had a friend with me who was mum, but SHOCKED at how bold I was. Proud, and had some glee on “if only they knew” which was met with “they don’t need to, it’s about the value of the car they are selling” Car salesman #1 had the nerve to call me after I had driven my car home. Asked why I didn’t buy a car from him. I said I got a better deal, and had a salesperson that respected me as a customer, didn’t talk over me or constantly reference a husband as being the approver. (I was divorced, but that would never be disclosed). He hung up on me. I’ve never used or recommended their (large, much-advertised) dealership since.

    • Car buying tips? :

      LOVE all this advice. Thank you everyone! I literally am taking notes :)

    • We figured out which car we wanted to buy by visiting dealerships and test driving, but we didn’t really talk price on those visits. Once we figured out the exact make/model/trim package we wanted, we called every dealership selling that car within about a 2-hour drive of us and asked for their out-the-door price. I think we called a total of 6-8 dealerships. A few refused to give us a price, and a few took a couple of days to get to a sales manager. We told them that if several offers were close, we would call back those dealerships and ask if they wanted to match. A few dealerships refused to sell cars that way, but at least 4 gave us prices, and one was a couple thousand below the others and below the retailer’s “cost” for the car (basically, the dealer was selling low to get incentives). The price we got was significantly better than the price available through Costco.

      One caveat–this method doesn’t really work if you want a car that’s in high demand and being sold before they even reached the lot, or if you don’t have the ability to drive to somewhat distant dealerships.

      • I used this method (but more complex because I was buying a used car) and it worked incredibly well for me. I test drove a few cars so that I knew what I liked and was very clear that I was just texting. The key was that I new EXACTLY what I wanted, down to the minute details, so I was able to make a very exact comparison between the different options. I just ignored the dealerships that refused to negotiate this way. I walked into the dealership with the price already completely negotiated and ended up saving several thousand dollars and getting a nicer trim package this way. Paperwork still took a couple of hours but it was so much better than negotiating in person. I also recommend widening your search radius a little bit if its practical – I actually drove about 2 hours and across a state line to pick up my car because the prices were significantly (like 5%- 10%) less than where I was shopping.

      • Anonattorney :

        This is all great advice! Do you consider multiple branches of the same dealer (i.e., both are John Smith Toyota, but in different neighborhoods) different dealerships? Will they price-match, typically? My city is not quite big enough, so a lot of the car companies distribute through one dealership, which may have multiple branches.

        • I don’t know about the multiple branches of the same dealer. If you’re buying a new car and there are site-specific incentives from the manufacturer (I really don’t know how the incentive programs work), I could see one site giving a better price than another based on where they are incentive-wise. If it’s a used car, it probably has much more to do with inventory and how long a particular car has been on the lot, which could also vary in different parts of the same city.

          If possible, though, I would widen a search to include any dealership within comfortable driving distance. We bought our car from a dealership in a small town about 45 minutes away from our city.

      • I also split the test driving from the negotiation process. Once I knew precisely my car, I used GM’s “build it” feature to locate every dealership with my exact car. I negotiated with everyone over phone and email and ultimately my preferred dealer matched another dealer’s price. It was so much less stressful to do the negotiations distantly than sitting in person in the dealership. I felt like I had far more control over the situation.

    • If you know what kind of car you want, you can definitely have the price negotiated before you step foot in a dealership. I just bought a car and had success emailing a dealership with the price I was willing to pay, backed up by a published price (or an emailed price) of a very similar car (i.e., same model/year/trim package/similar miles). The Internet Sales Manager will then call and you just repeat the price you are willing to pay, and invite them to call you back if and when they can meet that price. It took about 2 weeks of being very patient. The out-the-door price is pretty easy to figure out from the sales price (you can google the tax on cars in your jurisdiction) and carvana has a really nice payment estimator. Another thing I was able to negotiate was putting more down on my credit card for the points–I got them to double the normal limit (usually $2500 to $3000) and got a decent chunk of points on my card.

      • Anonattorney :

        More questions on this – are there limits for how much you can put down?

      • Usually just a limit for how much of your down payment you can put down on a debit/credit card. Sorry if that wasn’t clear! For your down payment though, you will likely need a cashier’s check or cash, FYI

        • Carmax is funny about using a credit card for financing transactions, so talk about this. Good to know about points, as I had not thought of leveraging that!

    • Ditto the advice others have given about knowing exactly what you want. When I bought my current car, I did all my research and then I found a dealership that had the exact make, model and year of car I wanted, listed as in stock. I showed up, test drove the car (always remember you can insist that a female salesperson accompany you), and then told the salesperson, “this is the car I want, this is what I’ll pay, this is what I know my trade-in is worth. Let’s make this happen.” And then sat back and said no until they brought the deal I wanted. They of course tried to get me to buy extended warranties; they tried to upsell me a car that was “more comfortable and luxurious” than the one I chose; midway through the process they tried to change the financing terms. I just kept saying “nope” and at one point, I sighed and started collecting my stuff to go. They came back with what I wanted. I made them leave me alone in the manager’s office to read the paperwork all the way through. I was not afraid to be a mega-B, as others have said. Remember, the key is that they need to make the sale more than you need to buy the car that day. If they jerk you around past what you’re willing to put up with, walk away and find another dealership.

      As a corollary to this conversation, I will be so glad when the US finally gets rid of the archaic laws that prevent us from getting financing in place and then just ordering a car on the Internet. That we even have to go through this process is ridiculous to me.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Threads like this are part of what makes this community golden. Where else can women get advice on how to be a bamf in basically any situation we encounter in life? I have learned so much here, from appropriate office attire to negotiating a salary, from walking away from the wrong relationship to travel tips. Ladies, thank you.

    • Bring a book – like an actual, physical, paper one. Whenever they have to disappear for a while to get approval for something or take forever on anything, read your book. They are trying to use this time to either make you impatient or nervous, and there’s nothing like cracking open War and Peace to demonstrate that you have all the time in the world to go back and forth on this, and you’re not that emotionally invested in it anyway. And, it does help if you’re prone to getting bored or anxious. Just make sure you don’t bring, like, Harry Potter or The Babysitters Club or something.

      • Oh, also, before I have to negotiate anything, I watch this video for inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7-eoiY4bOo

      • The mental image of someone reading The Babysitters Club in that situation made me actually laugh out loud! Perhaps it would be a good tactic to throw them off guard? Thanks for the laugh today, I needed it.

    • We used the Costco price as a starting point and another dealership beat the price. If you are trading in your car, get a written quote from Carmax to use at Honda.

    • Have non-dealer financing lined up. Nothing moves things along like being able to say “Nah, I don’t need your financing unless I like the deal because I can have a sight draft with me at delivery with loan terms that I like and can be comfortable”. It motivates the dealer to give you a decent deal because you can take your financing (and their commission on the financing) somewhere else if you are not happy after cutting your car deal,

      Really, though, my best suggestion is to walk into the dealership one hour before the conference finals for the local NFL team. That motivates pretty much all car salespeople (who pretty much are guys) to cut a deal, but it is the wrong season (although maybe it will work if you have a local team in the hockey playoffs this weekend).

    • Car buying tips? :

      I have to say, I’m blown away with all these comments. I did not expect such an outpouring of help. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! I’m not dreading this process as much anymore – and I can’t wait to report back afterwards!

      • to car buying tips :

        I hope it isn’t too late but I agree with all the advice to be a huge B and do lots of research beforehand. I used a tip I found on the interwebs and actually set the timer on my cell phone and told the salesperson he had 5 minutes to check with his manager and get back to me, otherwise I was leaving (and be prepared to follow through if time runs out) because it really shouldn’t take him that long to get a “yes” or “no” answer about what I wanted. He tried to be cute and returned with the manager in tow so I pointed to the phone and said “the clock is still running, it was for the answer, not your manager.” They were both trying to spit out the answer to keep me from walking out the door! :) I then said something like now that I have my answer, I have no interest in being double teamed, one of you needs to go since you both seem to be on the same page. And the manager left. Don’t let them get away with playing games with you. Tell them you only want to speak to one person at a time. Believe in yourself and stand firm. You can’t feel bad about being a huge B because for every informed consumer there are probably at least a dozen people they are ripping off with typical sales shenanigans, with questions like “how much do you want your monthly payment to be?” (never answer this…as someone stated, you want the “out the door” price) or even seemingly innocuous small talk like asking what you or your spouse do for a living, where you live, etc. They use whatever information you share as leverage – be cryptic if you have to, especially if you are only at the test drive stage. Maintain your power, don’t give them any leverage, and only talk about a fair price for the car you actually want when you are ready to have that conversation. Depending on how large your purchase pool is, you may encounter some really shady dealerships, avoid these like the plague and go elsewhere if you can. Don’t reward bad behavior with your valuable business! Good luck.

  7. Off-key Valkyrie :

    Suggestions for a good way to organize stud earrings that I will be wearing every day, in a crowded bathroom?

    Just ordered several pairs to go with a new short haircut :). Fred Meyer Jewlers has a good sale on for mother’s day.

    • Does it have to be the bathroom? Drains + easy-to-drop stud earrings aren’t an ideal mix…

      But if it does, what about a wall-mounted jewelry cabinet? Pottery Barn has a few possibilities – http://www.potterybarn.com/search/results.html?words=jewelry&cm_sp=HeaderLinks-_-OnsiteSearch-_-MainSite&cm_type=OnsiteSearch

    • Anonymous :

      I use a pill case, designed to dispense meds three times a day. It has seven times three compartments, and I put the studs in there.

    • I use a back-of-the-door jewelry organizer with clear pockets— it’s really easy to grab and go, and I can see everything.

    • Oh there is a really beautiful Alessi pill box that I would love to have an excuse to buy. Maybe I need this solution for my studs now too :)

      https://www.amazon.com/Alessi-CHB01-Chestnut-Pillbox/dp/B00TQQ22VE

      • This may not be organized enough for you but I put my earrings into a thin scarf I have draped over the mirror in my bathroom. It’s a scarf I love but that I never wear because it’s not really fashionable, so I don’t mind the little puncture holes in it (but you can also smooth them out–I don’t think I’ve caused any permanent damage). I prefer this method over storing them in containers because a lot of my studs have particular backs that fit best, and this way I can keep them all together.

        • I’ve used a piece of cloth tacked to the wall before. It worked pretty well. I do prefer jewelry trays, though, that I store in a drawer, but it sounds like you might not have the space for that.

    • I use a ceramic egg crate.

  8. Replacement for quick daily news digest that isn’t The Skimm?

    I recently unsubscribed because I got tired of searching for the actual news among the sarcasm / quotes / self-promotion of other Skimm stuff. I can only take so many Mean Girls references before coffee.

    Anyone have a more “grown up” version that they like?

    • NY Times does a daily digest.

    • I recently signed up for the NY Times daily briefing and enjoy it so far. It’s more comprehensive than the Skimm, but it does link to their articles, so if you’re interested in reading the actual article, your free ones go fast. They also do a Weekend one, so you don’t feel like Monday’s is in catch-up mode.

      • Anonattorney :

        I like the NY Times briefing – they do it twice a day, a morning and evening briefing. I just use their app for news now. But I bought a subscription, so maybe I get more stuff than if you go free.

    • TorontoNewbie :

      Next Issue has a really good digest of long form articles that comes out in the late afternoon/ early evening. Perfect commuting reading.

    • I like Politico Playbook for more political news; the commentary is great.

      • Agreed.

        <3 Politico Playbook, someday I want to be in the "spotted" section. I know people who have been! So maybe someday.

    • JuniorMinion :

      Economist Daily Espresso – if you are an Economist subscriber you can sign up. I like the global perspective.

    • I’ve been liking The Broadsheet from Fortune, which focuses on news about powerful women in business, politics, etc. It’s new to me but I’ve been enjoying it so far.

      • +1. I like this for women-focused news, although it’s not as broad (ha!) as I would like. They have a race-issues one as well, RaceAhead, that just isn’t as well done, but I subscribe on principle.

        I agree on the issues with TheSkimm. I applaud that they’re trying to make news accessible, but it comes across as too flighty for me. And the constant focus on referrals and skimm-bassadors is super annoying.

        Trying the NYT one above. Hopefully it pulls from more than just NYT articles though – I want something more universal in scope.

    • love my newsletters :

      Fortune does a bunch – but fair warning that they definitely preference linking their own articles even if better coverage exists from another mainstream source; I also get and like a couple of the Axios newsletters, in addition to Money Stuff from Bloomberg.

    • Thanks for the suggestions!

    • Daily Beast is good, too, though limited to 10 news items each morning (they also have a PM issue with 10 more items, some of which are morning repeats)

    • Agreed that the Skimm makes me want to tear my hair out.

      I like the Quartz daily briefing

    • +1 for Quartz

    • Nudibranch :

      I agree about The Skimm, although I still subscribe. I also get NYT briefing, my state’s NYT brief, and this one http://fortune.com/newsletter/broadsheet/.

      Thanks everyone for the other suggestions. I’m going to take a look at those.

  9. Anonymous :

    Has anyone been in a situation where you hate your job/department but like the company?

    My department is a mess with bad management and I know I can’t stay here long term without losing my motivation and energy. But I do like the company.

    I’ve started job hunting, and also looking for internal transfers. Both look quite possible. Assuming I get both an external and internal job offers, what should I consider when making a decision?
    For reference, I joined this company about two years ago, and I have a high-demand skill set.

    • A little late, but I’m in this exact situation now. My team is a disaster and I just can’t take it anymore. I have actually been made an offer for an internal “transition.” Let me put it like this, there has been some movement towards the transition, but it has been SLOW. My boss has been notified, and isn’t thrilled at all, and has been even more terrible than normal, and I’ve been put on some new projects for my new team, but am still being piled on by old boss. I have many moments where I’m wondering if a clean break would have been better.

      That said, I kept some external options open but on the back burner, and one has just come up. I’m throwing my hat in the ring.

      I don’t have any great advice, but lots of commiseration. Only advice is to work both ends and keep both options open.

  10. Anonymous :

    I’ve been casually dating a guy for a couple of months. He’s great in some ways – he’s easygoing, available, works around my schedule. But he’s so boring. He doesn’t like to do anything I like and he won’t suggest things to do because he says he doesn’t like to do things. He also doesn’t seem to adult very well. For example, one night I was working late and I asked him to pick up dinner for us. He asked what he should get (he needs a LOT of direction to get takeout) and I said I don’t care as long as I can eat as soon as I get home because I’m starving. He gets frozen wontons and raw ears of corn. We’re mid-30s.

    It’s nice to be able to call someone who’s always available to come over and sort of Netflix and chill. I don’t see longterm potential here though; I’m not going to seriously date a ~35 year old man who can’t make a sandwich. At what point do I need to communicate my level of seriousness to him? I’ve never had a casual relationship before so I’m sort of out of my depth.

    • You don’t really seem to like him. Move on, I say.

    • I guess it doesn’t really sound like you like him that much, so if being with him is stopping you from finding someone you like more, then you should end it and move on.

      The dinner example, though, seems a little weird to me… I have been with my husband for 12 years and we still talk about what we want to eat for dinner on a given night, and even if it’s in the context of “I’m so tired and stressed, just get me whatever sounds good to you…” he’d still probably say, “how about __ or ___.” Expecting someone to know what you like to eat after a few months of casual dating seems like a tough expectation to meet (even if the frozen wontons and corn is a weird choice on his part!)

      • Thanks for helping me reframe the dinner thing. He’s a very picky eater and I’m a pretty adventurous eater, so anything he likes I’m going to be fine with. But I can understand that it might be intimidating to meal plan for someone you don’t know very well.

        I guess my post really does sound like I don’t like this guy. He’s perfectly pleasant to hang out with at home. He does the dishes and takes out the trash without prompting. I know he’s not going to be The One for me, but having the option to hang out with someone nice helps me to not feel so hopeless about dating.

        • That’s a helpful clarification. I know dating is rough and it’s nice to have a “Mr. OK.”

        • Hate to be that person this early but Ill bite. This person clearly likes you and if you really liked him the food thing wouldnt be a big issue. If you have no intention of this going anywhere (i.e. long term) then perhaps you should tell him? Some people are alright with being Mr/Ms OK but many are not fond of being a placeholder for when you find someone youre actually into (and yeah, it doesnt seem like youre really all that into this person).

          Signed,
          Someone who has been Ms Ok enough times to get the f*** out of dodge if the person isnt reciprocating

          • Yeah, life is too short, for you and for him. I’m not saying you should be looking to find Prince Charming, but keeping someone around just to have a warm body waiting for you doesn’t seem fair to either one of you.

          • “keeping someone around just to have a warm body waiting for you doesn’t seem fair to either one of you”

            Absolutely. OP I really do not think you should keep dating someone you know you have no interest in.

      • I don’t know. I thought the food example made it pretty clear he’s a hot mess. It’s not like she’s complaining that he didn’t get a specific dish that she wanted him to remember. Like how hard is it to order a veggie pizza or 3-4 things from a take-out Chinese food place, or a jar of pasta sauce and boil a pot of spaghetti?

        I have zero time for man babies. In my friend group, every man who has turned out to be decent husband was capable of taking care of himself by cooking and cleaning at his own place somewhat regularly. I’m not about gourmet meals or sparkingly floors, it’s about learning adult skills instead of waiting for someone to come along to do those things for you.

        • And just reading above that you’re looking to explain to him that you like him but you’re not serious about him – just tell him that you want to continue seeing each other but you don’t see it headed towards anything serious.

      • Fresh corn on the cob and wontons sounds like an awesome dinner. To me.

        • I was less annoyed by the menu choice than by the fact that it wasn’t something that would be ready immediately or nearly immediately when I got home. Plus he doesn’t know my kitchen very well (and from experience I know he won’t just look around to figure it out), so I’d need to do stuff to help. I felt like, I didn’t ask you to pick up dinner that I can eat rightthissecond because I wanted to cook. And, yes, asking me – how do I shuck corn? am I doing this right? can it go down the garbage disposal? where’s a pot to boil water in? should I mircrowave the wontons or cook them in the oven? where’s a plate I can microwave them on? – is basically making me cook.

    • I married this person for a plethora of reasons that I don’t want to get into. It’s exhausting having to mother someone like this for the rest of their life.

      Think carefully if the stability is worth all the other pain points.

    • Brunette Elle Woods :

      He sounds like the exact opposite of my current BF. He lives about an hour from me and we have to work at coordinating plans because we are both busy. If we decide to do something he will make dinner reservations, call to confirm an ice skating rink is still open at the end of March, look up train times for us, etc. I want a partner not a child. Someone who can’t figure out the logistics of takeout or has no interest in things in his 30s will not change. Move on.

    • This is going to sound crude, but – if he’s good in the sack, I would look at this as a FWB situation and start dating other people. If you have not had an exclusivity conversation with this guy, you could just start dating other people now; no explanation required (men do this all the time). If he is not great in the sack, I would DTMFA and move on. Either way I would have your eyes open for something better, because you can do better.

      • Completely disagree. If you are sleeping with him, yes you absolutely have to discuss if you start dating (and sleeping with) other people. I guess it’s more of a grey area if you want to sleep with him and date other people without sleeping with them… but if you are sleeping with more than one person and purposely not telling them that, that puts others’ health at risk.

        • Anonymous :

          “I guess it’s more of a grey area if you want to sleep with him and date other people without sleeping with them…”

          This was what I was thinking. So settle down. Most of us can go out for a nice meal and conversation with a man and not f- k him. If this guy isn’t turning the OP’s crank, and there’s no agreement of exclusivity, she should feel free to go on some nice s- x free dates with other guys until she finds someone better. It’s exactly what guys do when they’re dating someone they consider to be a placeholder, and it will help her not end up in the situation of the poster above who married the “can’t adult” guy. Not every conversation (or even date) with a man needs to end in a bodily fluids exchange that necessitates a “what are we” conversation. If you’re handling your business that way, you’re doing it wrong. Put a higher price on yourself (metaphorically, of course).

    • I bought a house for having future babies with my ex who had a hard time adulting. Living with a guy who can’t adult is exhausting and turned me into the most cruel nag. I taught him how to wipe up the counter at least 5 times in less than a year. He decided to help by washing by underwire bras in the washing machine–no lingerie bag–with the towels. My final straw was the third day in a row where he dumped his soaking wet towel on my side of the bed so I was sleeping on wet mattress all night (it was very humid).

      Mr. OK is Mr. OK-for-now. After my ex, you could not pay me to take on a man-child. For me, it’s a red flag on par with abusive behaviors.

      I met Mr. Right in my mid 30’s less than 2 years after dumping the man child. They are out there. And the reason Mr. Right got a second date? He knew how to cook and had purchased adult-level furniture for his new place.

      • Anonymous also :

        Yes, how a person keeps his or her home can be so telling. When a person has “adult-level furniture”, it tells me that the person is not terribly likely to be leeching off of their parents or avoiding/delaying the transition to adulthood. It doesn’t have to be fancy or to my taste, but it has to reflect a level of responsibility similarly matched to my own level of adulthood responsibility. I hate that it sounds so shallow, but this has been a pretty good indicator for me so far.

      • I have never in my life owned a lingerie bag and didn’t realize it is so appalling to wash bras without until this comment. Lol. I do buy kind of cheapie bras so maybe I just don’t care.

        • +1 I dump my [email protected] in the washing machine all the time since they are from Target and last a year max.
          I also have never wiped down a countertop in the recent past (I have a biweekly maid service and I dont care for a higher frequency, so my threshold isn’t super high). However I am a great cook, just hate cleaning. Overall some of these seem like non-issues to me, but may be dealbreakers for you. If you’ve consciously decided that “this is the hill I want to die on” that’s ok, but if not I’d encourage you to re-evaluate.

      • +1. On an early date the Hubs told me to bring movies and then cooked me dinner (including homemade biscuits) with his own real pots and pans, set the table with a placemat and a cloth napkin, had dishes that matched each other and poured wine into wineglasses. Dating continued because clearly this was a guy ready, willing and able to adult.

        • One thing though — the hubs does not wipe counters (never really has absent a big spill). On the other hand, he menu plans for a week at a time, packs me lunches from leftovers, and after he washes wineglasses they are sparkly like in a commercial. Pros and cons . . .

    • Rainbow Hair :

      To me, the fact that he doesn’t like to do fun stuff would be a huge, insurmountable deal breaker. Life is short, and I don’t want to spend time with people who don’t want to enjoy it, or, worse, get in the way of my enjoyment!

  11. Calbrachoa :

    So, I just got an email saying I am the preferred candidate and I will be receiving an offer once it’s been apprtoved by finance. I am absolutely estatic.

    I would like to say thank you to you ladies here at Corporette because I know without y’all I would not have gotten there :D

    • Calbrachoa :

      So my original comment got stuck in moderation… ooops…

      So, I just got an email saying I am the preferred candidate and I will be receiving an offer once it’s been apprtoved by finance. I am absolutely estatic.

      I would like to say thank you to you ladies here because I know without y’all I would not have gotten there :D

    • Yay! That’s so exciting! Very glad you will be moving on to something better. Hit me up for help any time!

    • Wildkitten :

      CONGRATULATIONS!

    • ponte python's flying circus :

      Congratulations!!!

    • Senior Attorney :

      Hooray!!

  12. shoe liner :

    Any brand recommendations for really low profile shoe liners? I have some heels with lower vamps and looking for a type that doesn’t show at all. TIA!

    • I just bought some at H&M that seem like they will actually be low profile. (They look like the shoe liner equivalent of D’orsay pumps.) but I haven’t tried them yet because, yay, it was in the 30s here today and I’m back in tights and boots.

  13. I don’t know if I want advice or sympathy. I started a great new job in a cutting edge of the law in a policy position. But, while I work at a large university, the few people who I actually work with have known each other for 30 years and are very tight. It started out okay, but as time went on, I felt that I wasn’t fitting in at all and that I was being excluded from meetings and not even told when they would be out for vacations. I asked a few of them to please include me, that I assumed it was not intentional, but that they have been close and I am aware that they may not think to shoot me an email when they will be out, or when something happens that may impact my work. These conversations didn’t go well. There is a clear personality conflict. I have been working in various environments for 35 years and never felt so unliked. I am starting to feel like a teenager and it is impacting my confidence. I have great insurance and make a decent salary and I am good at my job. But the atmosphere makes me sad and I am coming in later and later. I am trying to focus on the positive but it is hard.

    • I have no advice but just commiseration. I’m in a small practice group and all the associates just hang out together and exclude me. (and just me). I’ve basically tried to make my peace with it, to be pleasant at work but not overly friendly and just do my own thing and then leave to hang out with my real friends.

      However, it’s just more of a social thing at my office, and doesn’t really impact my work too much. I would keep asking about the things that impact your work and ignore the rest of it.

      It’s not ideal (and it really sucks) but sometimes it’s the best we can do with what we have.

    • she persisted :

      Been there. Can only offer commiseration. I work in a dept. with men who are all a generation older than me and have been best friends for 20+ years. They have routine social gatherings that don’t include me. At first, they tried to justify or seek my forgiveness – oh, we’re having this get together, but we suspect you wouldn’t want to join b/c you’re busy/ the topic isn’t of interest/ some other reason – but now they just go ahead with their 20 year friendships that don’t include me.

      On the one hand, many times I am not interested in the gatherings, but on the other, it does affect my connections within the dept. They discuss and conclude work issues at these social gatherings and then announce a fait accompli at our next meeting, when I have had no input. The worst was when the daughter of one of them (a student in the dept. ) got married, and all were invited to the reception, but not me. I didn’t mind missing out on the socializing so much as the signaling to the students of the dept that I wasn’t included in the circle of faculty members. But they probably already knew that…

      I have had to create other space for myself in the institution to insulate myself from the sexism & exclusion.

      • Oh, interesting because what I seem to be experiencing is group of middle aged mean girls. The boss is a man who is in no way equipped to deal with this silliness, and he, too, worked with them since back in the day. At least in high school, I had my band geeks as friends!

  14. My personal trainer of three years is moving cross country to Tempe, Arizona. We’ve met twice a week for all three years of law school, and she’s been a major part of my support system. She’s in her early 50’s and has taken on a surrogate mom/close friend role. She’s the person I talk to about relationship troubles, feeling the imposter syndrome in law school, my crazy family, you name it.

    I’m trying to think of a gift for her and I’m really struggling. She got me a pair of earrings from her last visit to Arizona, and she’s been trekking to my apartment to make sure I’m not intimidated by any of the equipment these past few weeks. I’ve been treating her to dinner and wine after each of these sessions (and I’ve already paid for the workout itself), but I still feel in debt to her. I’d like to get her a going away gift that conveys how much she means to me. I’d prefer thoughtful over expensive but I’m fine spending anything up to $200. Is there something she would need for a cross-country move (driving) or an experience I can treat her to in Tempe? TIA!

    • depending on her type of travel, how about a Hilton giftcard for $200? There’s vast options for her Hilton garden or my fave in phoenix the Biltmore.

      or if she likes jewellery something special or of significance? something that she’s been wanting but never would splurge?

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      When I move away from my lovely trainer who has been all those roles to me for the last 3 years later this summer I am getting her a gift card for a steak dinner (her favorite) for her and her partner and writing her a note to tell her the difference she made.

      Maybe get her an experience in her new town that fits her personality- maybe a membership to a botanical garden if thats her thing or a gift card to go see theater or a gift card for a special dinner out.

  15. My husband is receiving an award on Wednesday and I just found out that I will be unable to attend. I will see him that night though. I thought it would be nice to buy him something small – $50 to $75 range – to mark the occasion. Given the short timeframe something from amazon prime would be ideal so I could get it in time. Any recommendations? He loves pens and other fancy office-type stuff, and given this was a professional milestone I was thinking something on the professional side. However, I’m coming up without anything good in that price range! TIA!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Is there a favorite/meaningful artist from whom you could buy a print that he could hang in his office?

  16. So used to penny pinching :

    I am someone that grew up with not a lot of $ left over. I put myself through law school after state U. It was hard at first — school loans, shockingly high rent (to me), try to save up to buy a place. I feel like I have become the cheapest person ever now and I can’t shake it (add in a spouse in a regular non-law job and daycare and marriage penalty and I think I had more free cash as a first-year associate than now).

    I feel like I should have some lifestyle creep by now, but I may be a penny pinching lifer now.

    Any lifestyle creep that’s worth it (like BR suits, on sale, fit me off the rack b/c I’m a pear, so if Boss fits pears, I’d try that b/c they have a good reputation)?

    • I think some commentators track their per wear value? Maybe doing something like that would help you feel better about the occasional splurge? My wardrobe is built around more expensive classic pieces (grey, black, navy suiting/dresses) and then I change it up or keep it fresh each season with a few new tops or accessories from less expensive spots. Knowing I will get 3-4 years wear out of a classic suit or dress, helps me feel comfortable with the price tag. More expensive clothing can sometimes have a decent resale value at consignment shops as well.

    • Good quality leather shoes, winter coats with higher quality materials (wool, cashmere, etc)., facial moisturizer. Those are categories of goods where I think I notice and appreciate quality the most. I also find that spending a bit more on a single item in those categories generally saves me money down the road because I’m not replacing items or having to have them fixed (or in the case of facial skincare, I don’t have to buy products to treat symptoms of the wrong makeup moisturizer–breakouts, oily skin, etc).

      I lean toward penny pinching and think its overall a good quality to have, but sometimes I like to feel fancy and splurgy. For me, that’s hitting up this indulgent bakery with a bit more frequency than necessary to get little sweets to celebrate small occasions. For my sister it’s buying a quality vodka and keeping her wet bar stocked with that. Maybe having a little indulgence like that might counter feeling cheap?

    • Are you just asking about clothes? Because as far as clothes go, I have not lifestyle crept much. I shop at the same stores I’ve always shopped at, and I wait for sales.

      But in general in my life? The lifestyle creep I have found the most “worth it” for me as part of a family with two full time working people and a toddler, is having a cleaning lady, having a guy mow the yard, and hiring people to do projects on our house rather than DIYing. Basically “paying other people to help me” is my most favorite form of lifestyle creep. My husband and I could do any of these things ourselves, but our life is about 20x easier paying someone to help.

      Otherwise, we’re pretty frugal in all other major spending categories.

      • This is us. I spend way more on my cleaning service than I do on clothes. I consider it buying time with my kids and I have zero guilt.

      • Anonattorney :

        +1000000 to cleaning service. If you already have someone helping, increase their frequency. If you haven’t hired anyone yet, do it now! It will be the best money you have ever spent.

        • Cleaning help was the first thing I really indulged in after I paid down my student loans. I regret it exactly NEVER.

      • +1 I am also extremely frugal and a cleaning service is worth every penny. I tell myself that if money ever becomes tight it is an easy expense to cut.

        • +100. I am able to pick up side work, sell things on eBay, shop for groceries and cook at home, and do a whole host of other money-generating or -saving things because of my housekeeper. If we were ever really strapped,I could cancel the service, but I would give up a lot before I gave up my housekeeping service.

      • Cleaning service is worth every penny spent on it. It’s a marriage saver and forces me to pick up all my crap every other week.

    • Shoes, purse, mattress/bedding, skincare, tires, toilet paper. I am also pretty frugal/cheap but those are places where I have spent more money – still not a ton, but I went from buying a 40 dollar target purse every 6 months to buying one 350 dollar leather purse that has lasted me a couple of years and still looks great. Same with shoes. My rule is that anything that stands between my bodily integrity and the outside world needs to be good quality and make me feel comfortable and healthy. Having a comfortable bed with good support is non negotiable! Same with shoes. The toilet paper might be an exception to this issue and pure indulgence, but its a minor one, sort of like the poster above who goes to a nice bakery – and I sort of have grocery exceptions to this, like buying good quality olive oil and spices, but generally shopping at the cheap grocery store. Researching the hell out of my purchases makes me feel more secure about spending years worth of a budget category on something in one go, as does buying from stores with a good return policy (my first attempt at a leather bag was not a success, but since I got it from nordstrom they took it back and I replaced it with something else from there that is much better quality).

      • And I have to say, as the adult(ish) child of parents who sound really similar to you – decent income but high child related expenses, and a tendency towards frugality – I am so much better at managing my money than most of my peers (late 20s). My parents were very open with me about where they were and weren’t able to spend money on based on their budget and priorities. I grew up in a modest home and driving around in older cars, eating generic foods and wearing hand me down clothing, but my parents were able to afford to help us a lot with college, travel regularly to see our family overseas, and other things that were important to them. I think you’re doing your child/ren an enormous favor by being careful with your money and really encourage you to discuss with them as it becomes developmentally appropriate.

    • I’m still in the post-grad penny-pinching mindset but I like splurging a little on food – making myself feel that it’s ok to eat out, or get delivery if I’m tired (rather than snacking on whatever I have or making something with 0 nutritional value). I still go to the cheap grocery store and wear crappy shoes, but I try to eat fewer “peanut butter on a tortilla”-type dinners.

    • Baconpancakes :

      A bed that’s the right firmness and loft with sheets you feel comfortable in and a high quality comforter or duvet. It’s expensive to upgrade a bed, but it will make your life 100000% better.

    • I’ll second everyone who said a nice mattress. When we bought ours 4 years ago, it was between the one we got and a “lesser” one, which still felt comfortable in the store. That lesser one might have been fine (I guess I’ll never know), but oh man, I LOVE the one we got. It feels a little bit like heaven when I come home from a trip.

  17. Are any of you members of gyms like Equinox s? I’ve tried classpass a few times but there is an Equinox gym relatively close to my apartment and I like being able to take multiple classes at one place (and I like the pool, spa, and gym equipment). I know its not cheap but it seems like you get a lot for your money/fitness is important to me and I can fit it in my budget. Has anyone tried/liked it?

    • Not a member but do they have trial memberships? Or month-to-month contracts? Might be worth a try before jumping into a big commitment.

    • If you’re in a big city, and you go at prime times, you will have probably have difficulty getting a machine without a wait. That’s the case in Midtown Manhattan.

    • I’m a member of Equinox and I really like it, especially for the group fitness classes. The equipment and facilities are also really nice, including the locker rooms/showers. It’s totally worth it to me. The barre classes are on par with the classes I’ve taken at pure barre, the spin classes seem comparable to what I’ve done at Peloton, and there are a number of cardio kickboxing classes and other general fitness type classes that will really give you a serious workout (like tabata or 30-60-90).

      One thing you might consider is taking a look at the group fitness schedule at the location you’re considering to see if it really offers classes you’re interested in at times that work for you. I have a general membership and hop around to any of the clubs in my metro area, as some are closer to work and some closer to home – and it would feel limiting to be tied to the class schedule at only one location.

    • Loved it but it costs a fortune. But the money was worth it to me because I was there most days. So I paid 100 bucks more per month than friends did for other gyms. But I actually went to the gym and they didn’t so it wasn’t a fair comparison.

    • Maudie Atkinson :

      No Equinox in my city, but I am a member at a comparable place. I love it, and it’s worth the money to me. I tak a group fitness class (barre, yoga, etc.) no less than 4 times a week, often 5. I love the group fitness classes, the cost per class works out well for me because I go so often, and I love having a nice place to get ready in the morning, not like other gyms or barre studios where there either wasn’t a locker room option at all or where I was climbing over people to get to a mirror.
      About one day a week, I will hang around for about an hour after a workout and use the steam room, sauna, and hammam, and I always leave feeling like a new person.

    • I joined because there was one right next to my office. I really liked it – the group fitness classes were great and a really good workout, the locker rooms are of course really nice. It was worth it because I went3-4 times per week before work, and so I was getting my money’s worth and it was important to me to have a nice locker room where I could get ready for work. The only thing I didn’t like about it was that there were approximately a million trainers constantly milling about – I think the club’s goal was to have every single member have a personal trainer.

      Then my office moved, and I couldn’t justify the membership as somewhere I wasn’t going as regularly.

    • a millenial :

      depends on the situation i think. if you go 3-4x a week it’s worth it. i used to work in the same building as an equinox and paid the original price for it (200 initiation + 160 monthly i believe) BUT i was working a lot of hours and would shower there daily, go to classes 4x a week and work out there the other 2 days. worth it because otherwise, i would have gained way more weight eating expensed meals constantly and it saved me overall time to shower while a spreadsheet was calculating or something.

      now i live in a different large city with great hours and i just go to the 24 hour fitness across the street for $20 a month.

    • I was a member and while the amenities and the eucalyptus-scented towels were nice, I wasn’t very impressed with their group fitness classes, which was the main reason why I joined. I thought it would be nice to mix it up and get to try a variety of classes for one monthly fee, which it was, but I found that I only enjoyed and went back to about half of the classes and instructors that I tried. If there’s a type of class you really love (barre, Spin, yoga, etc.), it’s worth committing to a membership at a boutique studio.

  18. I’m super late to the game and only learned about BB cream yesterday! Any recommendations for an affordable drug store brand? Skin tone is uneven and I’m still prone to breakouts. Anti aging and spf would be awesome but not as important as being ok for sensitive skin

    • Garnier

    • I like the ELF BB Cream. I think it’s pretty substantial for a drug store brand. The unfortunate part is that it doesn’t come in a ton of shades.

    • JuniorMinion :

      I like physician’s formula super CC+ cream. I do layer it over a standalone sunscreen but its been good value for the price for me.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream. It makes a noticeable difference in my skin. SPF 30, but I wouldn’t recommend relying on it for your sunscreen, because the nature of BB cream is that you don’t put a whole lot on.

      And for Anondc, CC cream is heavier than BB cream, and the CC’s stand for “color and correct” I think. It’s a multi-tasking foundation, basically.

    • I have fair skin. I like Lumene “Time Freeze” CC cream. It evens out my skin tone, and it doesn’t yellow over the course of the day (a problem I had with other very fair BB and CC creams). It also feels very light on my skin; it’s spoiled me for regular foundation.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I have a NYX CC cream that I quite like!

    • I don’t know if it’s really as affordable as you want, but I love Dr. Jartt BB balm in the gold bottle. I can usually find it online for under $30. SPF plus anti aging. Makes my skin look amazing.

    • I love this one from Neutrogena! Anti-aging and SPF 20.

      http://www.neutrogena.com/product/healthy+skin+anti-aging+perfector.do?sortby=ourPicks

    • Anomnibus :

      I’ve been using Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream for years. Every now and then I get a sample of this or that from Sephora, nothing has come close.

    • Laniege (available at Target) BB cushion compact. Love it.

  19. alexisfaye :

    Does anybody have any long term experience with Tom’s wedges? I bought these on Amazon, and while I love the look, I’m wondering if they aren’t a little uncomfortable long term…

    http://www.toms.com/women/drizzle-grey-metallic-woven-womens-stella-peep-toe-wedges

    • Have them, love them.

    • These are super cute! I have a pair of gray suede TOMS wedge booties that have held up well, but can’t speak to their sandals.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Have a pair of their tall esparadille wedges and they’ve held up really, really well. And they’re comfortable- they’re my summer wedding shoe.

    • I love Toms wedges. They last a long time and are incredibly comfortable.

    • Want! Sigh.

    • I’ve had those for a couple years and this year bought some wedge booties. I have a very low tolerance for high heeled shoe pain so I don’t wear them if I know I’m going to be on my feet for a long period of time or walking a lot. But I think they do help make an outfit look a little nicer/more stylish than ballet flats sometimes.

    • OCAssociate :

      I’ve had these for a couple months and they’re so comfortable. (I don’t usually like wedges, but these are great.) Plus, I bought them because a friend has them and says she lives in them b/c they’re so comfortable.

    • I like mine but they do rub against the quick of my big toe. Otherwise, totally comfortable.

  20. Ugh- this would make me nuts! That said, are you seeking a long term thing now? I can’t tell from the post.

  21. Climb Kilimanjaro :

    Has anyone scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania? I am looking for recommendations on tour operators or information on how one would book an excursion to climb the mountain. Any other tips on how to get ready physically for this sort of thing would be helpful. Thanks

    • I have not done Kilimanjaro, but have done other high elevation hikes. Physically you should hike for training, but if you have limited opportunities do the stair mill at a gym. There are all sorts of altitude tricks (like taking iron, taking ginkgo biloba, taking chlorophyll) that people use. I have done them all and have never had a problem, but perhaps I would never have had a problem anyway. I have also taken diamox, which is prescription medicine that helps you acclimate. It’s also extremely important to drink lots and lots of water. The altitude is what kills you so you have to mentally prepare yourself and accept that you need to take it incredibly slowly. If you need to stop every 20 feet for a breather, just embrace it and don’t worry about keeping up with other people. Google “FUD and hiking” and get yourself one. It will seem gross to you now, but you will be grateful for it.

    • I have not, but I was just talking to a friend who did two years ago. She said it wasn’t a huge physical challenge in terms of the climb (as you know, it’s more of a challenging trek than a mountaineering obstacle), but that altitude and stomach upset bothered people in her group. I think they had decent weather and they were ultimately successful. I know you are required to have a local guide, so maybe check out TripAdvisor to see which company is best?

      In terms of getting ready physically, I recommend focusing on leg and core strength in addition to hiking endurance (I’m training to climb a peak as well, although nothing as high as Kilimanjaro!). Squats, lunges, and planks are your friend. One thing I’m planning to do is load up my backpack with a ton of water, practice taking it on and off 10-20 times (so it’s like lifting a weight, but in the motion that I will actually need on the day of), and then go do a 6-8 mile training hike. Don’t forget to train for the downhills as well as the up.

    • I made an attempt a few years ago and didn’t finish it because I ended up getting sick. I picked up a nasty cold on the flight and that plus the altitude meant I just had too much trouble breathing to finish the final day of hiking. If you’re physically fit generally, the hike itself isn’t nearly as challenging as just breathing the extremely thin air. For reference on fitness level, at the time I did it I was running about 20 miles a week and going to yoga 2-3 times a week. I did no other training. I live at sea level.

      One tipe, it is extremely cold and windy at the top. Windproof layers are a must!

      I would not recommend my tour operator for a variety of reasons I won’t get into though so I can’t help you there.

    • Tour Operator Selection :

      In a similar situation (finding a local guide for the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu), I found Lonely Planet to be really useful. They had a good list of recommended companies at various levels of service and also addressed the issue of working conditions, which has generally been a big issue for Inca Trail trekking companies. I suspect they’d have a similar list with similar attention to whatever the particular local issues are for Kilimanjaro.

      • If you’re still planning your trip, we had a great experience with Cusi Travel.

      • Anonymous :

        Llama Path is one of the more ethical companies. All of their porters had hiking boots and nice hiking clothing, unlike the other companies I saw there.

      • Tour Operator Selection :

        Thanks Bonnie and Anonymous–we ended up using Xtreme Tourbulencia and were very happy with the.

  22. Hi all — another gift question. I have a volunteer who is “retiring” later this month as committee chair from a board that I manage. He is moving to another committee but has led this group for 4-6 years, and I want to do something small but nice for him (from our organization) as a thank you for his leadership.

    He is a gregarious, outgoing guy and the ultimate party host, so my first thought was a set of engraved grill tools. Any other ideas come to mind? I could also do a fancy engraved glass block for his office, but personal-ish would be OK too. Booze is not appropriate in this situation.

    Thank you!

  23. Sloan Sabbith :

    PureBarre win! I’ve got a Pleione shirt I don’t wear much in the winter that I finally put on again today and it’s almost too tight on my upper arms- from muscle! You can’t quite see definition yet but you can totally feel it. I’ve also lost a bit of weight and a blazer that was a bit tight now looks great again! Feeling awesome this morning.

    • Congrats! I hope to be you in a few weeks/months. Kicking up the fitness and healthier eating as of last week.

    • newbinlaw :

      yay! how often are you going to get these results?

      • Anonymous :

        Errrr, it’s just really unlikely you can gaining muscle like that from the weights/rep schemes that are used in barre. I firmly believe the workout you do > the workout you don’t, but barre fits more in to the cardio category (and core because wow abs.)

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        3-5x a week. Only for a few weeks. Actually am seeing real results pretty quickly. Soooooo.

        • Anonymous :

          I usually agree with you, Sloan, but I disagree here. Any muscle gained from that kind of stimulus is going to be incredibly subtle. And gaining noticeable muscle AT ALL in a few weeks even under the best training plan is EXTREMELY difficult, moreso for women. More likely: your arm muscles are bloated/retaining water from having worked them. But hey, if you are happy with the results keep at it!

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          Happy with results for sure. As I said in my original posts-you actually can’t see muscle. You can feel it moreso than before, and I’m “seeing” that I feel more confident and healthier/happier, but I used seeing incorrectly above. I don’t have guns like Michelle Obama. Unfortunately.

    • TO Lawyer :

      Ok I think I need to up my pure barre attendance. I’ve only been going once a week because I see a personal trainer 3 times a week and try to get some cardio in but progress has been really slow…

  24. I left my Apple Pencil in an airplane like an idiot, so I can’t justify buying myself a replacement since I don’t use it that often. Does anyone have any recommendations on a cheaper stylus that works with an iPad Pro?

  25. Derm in midtown NYC? :

    Can anyone recommend a dermatologist in midtown Manhattan? TIA!

    • Jane Schneider. She’s absolutely fantastic. She’s currently at Manhattan Center for Dermatology on Broadway and 55th St.

      • I see her too and love her. Mainly for mole checks, but just made an appt for athlete’s foot, since my OTC creams aren’t getting rid of it. FYI, her practice changed hands again. Now called Schweiger Dermatology, and they moved around the corner to 1727 Broadway. Phone is 212-203-0908.

  26. Considering Banff for Labo(ur) Day weekend + a few extra days. Any advice re: where to stay? We will likely do dayhikes/sightseeing and then chill out, and prefer AirBNB to hotels.

    • No advice, but jealous! Have fun!

    • Not an AirBNB, but similar. We stayed here a few years ago, and it was great: walking distance to downtown, in the townsite, easy to find.

      https://www.bbcanada.com/3095.html

      • Anonymous :

        Thank you! This looks adorable and in our price range, even – I imagine she is booked for the holiday weekend but I’ll send her an email.

    • Consider Lake Louise. It’s beautiful!

  27. Incompetence :

    Does anyone feel like a babysitter? Like you have no intellectual peers and spend more time fixing than doing? That you can’t drop a ball because no one is smart enough to pick it up? This is probably compounded by the fact I went from academia to a private company. No one at my work has it together.

    • Remember that the company existed just fine before you worked there and will be fine after you’re gone. Private companies are often shockingly inefficient, but they still usually are profitable in spite of themselves.

      • +1. And it generally doesn’t have anything to do with their intelligence. There are competing priorities and all the challenges of getting any group of people moving towards a common goal. Welcome to corporate life.

    • That was me on a group project that just got turned in (no thanks to my group). I try to be conscious of being too controlling in group projects, but in this case, every time I stepped back, deadlines got missed, unprofessional emails got sent, etc. I had two other group projects this semester that went off without a hitch because everyone on both teams was a high-performer. It sucks when you don’t get that.

    • A view from the other side: I rarely get along with the people at my company who came from academia because they never seem to understand that we’re running a company, not a research project. They constantly nitpick pointless things and are condescending. They seem to see every issue as a topic for an open-ended, in-depth theoretical and philosophical discussion. I’m sure they see me as their intellectual inferior because I don’t care about their constant academic handwringing.

    • Triangle Pose :

      This is funny to me because I find that my peers at my F50 company have it together much more than in my academia days. For me, there was so much more incompetence and general failure to accomplish tasks in academic life than in corporate life.

  28. I have been in pain for weeks. I’ve had headaches, and all of my muscles have been super tight and sore–not just normal back/neck pain, but feet, calves, hands, hamstrings, jaw (plus back and neck). I realized last night that I’m sleeping curled up in a tight ball with my hands clenched, jaw clenched, toes curled, etc. Has anyone ever experienced this? Have you found a way to make yourself stop? Do I need to be doing yoga/meditation before bed, or reduce my underlying stress or change my pillow? How do I make myself unwind while I’m sleeping?

    • Wine before bed. Also yoga, deep breathing, and focus on actually relaxing all of your muscles as you fall asleep. Go from your head down and clench them and then relax them. Sometimes I clench up without even realizing it.

    • Baconpancakes :

      It’s definitely underlying stress. Get a massage, cut out some stressors, drink some herbal tea before bed, and make sure you’re actually warm/cool/comfortable in your bed. I know that technically sleeping cooler is healthier, but when I realized I was clenching up in a ball because I was cold at night, I added another blanket and sleep socks, which kept my toes comfortable without going into the fetal position.

      • +1 to socks. If my feet are cold, I can not fall asleep. It may be that i’ll toe them off in the middle of the night, but not always.

    • You need to be doing yoga. I used to be in pain constantly from being stressed/sitting at a desk all day/not getting enough exercise. Once/twice a week yoga has totally banished that. It’s amazing. My body just plain old feels good. It’s also stopped my teeth grinding (but honestly the Dolt 45 administration has made that worse again.) It sounds like there’s an underlying stress issue, however.

      Also, check out your office chair and make sure that you’re not looking down at your computer monitor at all. Move it up so that your chin feels slightly raised and your eyes are at the center/slightly above center of the monitor.

      • Do you practice at home too or just twice a week? I am trying to commit to more yoga but I am not sure what are reasonable expectations from only being able to do it 2-3 times a week.

        • Not the OP but another yoga evangelist – I make it to classes maybe 2x/week. I don’t have a real home practice, but I will frequently do 15 min of yoga before bed, which makes a big difference.

        • Just twice a week at a studio (once if I’m super busy), and not at home. I like being told what to do and I love my studio. At least 1 if not both of those classes will be a harder vinyasa class, which I don’t know if I could replicate for myself at home.

          Honestly, when I started doing it I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me that 1/2 x week was all it took (YMMV). I’d have laughed at you and wailed melodramatically, “can’t you see how much pain I’m in!?!? There is no cure!!” I wish I’d known earlier.

        • Thank you! I am trying to be consistent but realistic.

    • +1 to yoga and meditation for this problem generally. Specifically for your jaw, try getting a mouthguard made. I grind my teeth in my sleep when I’m particularly stressed out and when I’m in a phase where I’m doing that the mouthguard is really essential in alleviating jaw pain.

    • In addition to what others said, a heavy or heated blanket helps me relax when I’m stressed.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I went for a massage yesterday and realized that every single part of my body was ridiculously tense. Like everywhere she touched was sore and tight and… I wonder what that’s about. I have noticed that my whole body is sore, that ‘hit-by-a-truck’ feeling I usually associate with a fever, when I wake up each morning. Ugh, I should stretch, at the very least.

    • Thanks, all. I placed a dictionary under my monitor to boost it up a couple of inches from my desk. I also signed up for a yoga class tonight. And I’ll try an extra blanket in bed–DH keeps the house very cold at night.

    • magnesium supplement, Epsom salt soaks (even just your feet in a bowl if you don’t have a bathtub), and agree with the suggestions for massage therapy.

  29. Gap bi-stretch skinny pants sizing advice :

    How much do these pants stretch during the course of wear?

    I recently ordered these pants in a size up from my normal size because I didn’t want them to be super tight.

    Now I am debating ordering my regular size too. I got them in the tall size if that matters.

    Thanks.

  30. Got a question for you public transit commuters, how many bags do you take to work on an average day?

    I try to keep my haul to two bags: usually a purse and lunch bag. Three when it’s absolutely necessary, like when I need to take my laptop home and then back to work the next morning, but even that can be cumbersome and I’m really trying to avoid being an obnoxious “bag lady.”

    • Anonymouse :

      I carry a mid sized tote and a large Whole Foods lunch bag. The lunch bag is pretty big and sometimes I feel obnoxious carrying it around but I make/bring breakfast, lunch, and a snack so its worth it. I wouldnt worry about it, everyone’s just trying to get from point A to point B on public transit and as long as you dont have like 3 suitcases you should be good.

    • I try to keep it to 1 bag. I use a laptop sleeve instead of a bag and keep an extra charger at home. I bring food for the week in on Mondays and sometimes have Amazon deliver snacks to the office.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Is there a reason your purse is not laptop compatible? I carry the same purse every day, and on days I need to schlep my laptop, it fits in there. On days I don’t, it’s just less heavy.

    • hoola hoopa :

      I hear you.

      I have a 2 bag max. +1 to the suggestion to have a purse big enough for the laptop or your lunch. I recommend replacing the purse with a larger bag and wallet/phone clutch so that you can leave the big bag in the office when you go out for lunch.

    • I bring one bag – a backpack with a built-in laptop sleeve. I also bike for part of my commute, so it forces me to be minimalist with bags.

      In the backpack, I keep my laptop and charger, iPad, wallet, Kleenex, and lunch. I zip my keys into a small inner pocket. When I go to the gym straight from work, I also put workout clothes in. Thankfully, I commute in tennis shoes and keep all my work shoes at my desk.

    • Meg March :

      I use a large purse, that I can usually put other things I need in it. So my lunch goes in a plastic bag, but there’s room for it to squish into my purse. My laptop fits in the purse in a sleeve if I need to bring it home for some weird reason. Or if I’m going to barre or yoga after work, there’s room in my purse for leggings, sports bra and tank top. That works because I don’t need sneakers for those workouts– if I’m going to the gym, or working out AND bringing lunch, I use a large tote and put everything in that.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Two: Lo & Sons Brookline and a lunch bag (Pack It or an athleta reusable bag) if I bring lunch. Sometimes my Herschel backpack if not the Lo and Sons.

  31. Nursing Home Neglect :

    I recently was involved with helping a relative move into a nursing home. He is elderly and has fairly severe dementia. Not even 48 hours later we get a call that he fell and broke several bones. He will never walk again and will be in terrible pain for months according to the doctors. I am livid. His mobility was one of the only things he had left that brought him joy. I don’t know if the nursing home is responsible or not, but I am an attorney so that is the first place my mind went. This is not my area of law and I would not be able to represent the family on this type of matter. I just am grasping for what to do next. What would you do?

    • Contact a med mal attorney. If you post a state, someone here might be able to give you recommendations.

      • Nursing Home Neglect :

        Thanks. This is in Maryland if anyone has leads. I wasn’t sure whether it would be medical mal or general personal injury. It was a time when he was supposed to have been having supervision/assistance but not during an actual medical procedure.

    • I’m sorry. I’ve had several relatives with advanced dementia that also experienced significant falls as they got older. As a practical, immediate concern, make sure someone stays on top of medication and pain management. Dementia patients can’t always communicate effectively regarding pain so have someone talk to the care team about getting medication administered proactively rather than waiting until/if a patient asks for it. Is someone in discussion with the facility on how to prevent future falls?
      If you feel like the facility was negligent here, you can always make a complaint to the state agency that licenses nursing homes and ask that they do an investigation. Having the state show up and do a surprise inspection has a much more immediate impact on a facility than the slow slog through litigation.

    • I would try to take a step back and then find out if it was actually due to neglect.

      • Nursing Home Neglect :

        Yes, the question is really how does one go about finding out if it was due to neglect? My mind went to making sure records are preserved for eventual discovery because I am a (commercial) litigator. I am also skeptical enough not to take what the facility says in response to informal questions from the family at face value.

        • That’s why I suggested a Med Mal atty. I do some Med Mal in a different state. We are very fussy about what cases we take. There has to be a real breach of the standard of care. But, we’ve done enough of these cases that we can usually determine whether a breach has occurred or not. There are some general precautions that nursing homes should always follow. There are other things that are case specific.

          Here’s what I would do if you called me. I would charge a nominal flat fee to get all the records and have them reviewed by our nurse paralegal. This would be $250-$750 depending on the size of the records. We might have to run it by some of the experts we have used in other cases. They will usually do this as a courtesy because we later hire them for a lot of money in a big case. If we decide it’s worth pursuing after that, we take it on contingency. If we decide it’s just an unfortunate incident and not malpractice, we explain why and suggest you get a second opinion if you want. We then give you a list of other med mal attys.

          If you just wanted to talk about the incident over the phone and not have a records review, that’s a free consultation but I really wouldn’t be able to say much without seeing the records.

          • Nursing Home Neglect :

            This is super helpful context. Thanks for sharing some insight into your practice.

          • Also, your loved one’s recollection of events is very important. There is a big difference between “I decided to get up and go for a walk” and “I hit my call bell 4 times and waited 20 minutes but I was going to pee the bed so I tried to make it to the bathroom alone.”

          • Anonymous :

            Her relative won’t be a good source of information with severe dementia.

    • New Tampanian :

      There are attorneys who specifically work on nursing home cases. Find one of those.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Yes, this. Nursing home malpractice is not quite the same as med mal, and there are specific expectations and standards for nursing homes.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m not sure about the legal piece of this, but I would have someone in your family there *each day* to check on him, injury or not. I have a relative in assisted living, and this is the best way to tell if your relative is getting the care they need. This is especially important with dementia, as they have no other way to be advocated for.

    • Nursing Home Neglect :

      As an update, sadly the doctors have determined that surgery is not an option in this case and he will be moved to hospice. This is an incredibly sad outcome. Thanks for all of your input and advice here today.

      I will keep the advice about assisted living in general it in mind if any of my other loved ones need it in the future. I’m not sure the family will want to put time/effort into pursuing legal recourse, but thanks to your input I feel much better equipped to guide them toward the appropriate services if they ask me (the only attorney in the family) about it.

      • I’m so sorry that this happened to your relative. Thinking of you and sending hugs from an anonymous internet stranger.

      • I’m so, so sorry to hear about this.

        Honestly, transitions into Nursing Homes for the elderly with dementia are often quite traumatic. They can be very confusing and disorientating to the patient. It is common for them to get agitated, to get out of bed when they shouldn’t, and to “sundown” and get even more upset and confused later in the day/overnight. Unless there is someone in the room with your loved one 24 hours a day, there is always a risk. Sure, you can have fall precautions written everywhere, alarms on the bed, walkers/wheelchairs at hand, but still things happen.

        It is still safer than them living at home alone, or in your home, when you leave for work. But even when you have a caregiver with them all the time, it really only takes a moment to mis-step, a turn to fast, a slip on a poorly fitting shoe or a carpet edge or off a bed…. Sometimes when they are very elderly, just an awkward twist or jerk can sometimes break a bone, and the fall is actually secondary!

        Part of me would be livid, definitely requesting the records/documentation and I would ask for a meeting with the nurse/doctor/patient advocate to learn exactly what happened. Were medications changed? What safety measures were being taken? I would look up Medicare’s reviews of this facility.

        And part of me would also realize that even good places, terrible accidents can happen. And they do…. all the time.

        And if I was satisfied by what I heard at the meeting, after talking with all parties….. I would let it go.

        Even though I am a physician, and am the primary caregiver for a severely disabled relative and am as attentive as they come when we are together…. they have still fallen multiple times in my presence despite me doing everything right.

        I’m so, so sorry.

  32. For those of you who have multiple Apple devices, where do you store all your videos and photos? iCloud? Google Photos?

  33. I feel like it’s at least a part time job to handle all of the boxes and returns from our online purchases lately! Any hacks to make this easier/faster/more efficient?

  34. Interview nerves... :

    I have a second round interview with someone very senior at a large financial institution (a level above the hiring manager). This is definitely the most senior person I’ve ever interviewed with and I’m wondering what to expect. Any thoughts on how it might differ from the interview with the hiring manager or her peers/partners? I’m wondering if it will be more or less substantive (grilling or more fit?).

    Any tips?

    TIA!

    • First – congratulations! From a time standpoint, you’ll hardly ever get to that stage unless they’re seriously considering you. In my experience, this will tend to be a slightly shorter interview to confirm “fit.” Sometimes we use it too to see how your skill set and approach fit in with the longer term/ broader department or organization, as the hiring manager is sometimes overly focused on what they need right now. Be prepared to give your spiel about your background and why you’re interested in the role. This is a good time to ask smart, strategic questions that build upon what you heard in previous interviews and/or industry trends (e.g. in my previous interview, Anne mentioned that Teapots Inc is looking to expand in Asia – how does the price of tea cozies in Thailand factor into your plans?) If it does turn out to be a grilling, consider it also an interview for “fit” and whether you’re into that:)

  35. Any suggestions for a dress to wear under a bright purple graduation gown? (Think very, very purple — here’s a photo http://www.northwestern.edu/commencement/students/academic-dress/index.html)
    I’m willing to spend up to $250 or renting from RTR. I’m a pear shaped size 8 or 10 if that helps. TIA!

    • Baconpancakes :

      With bright purple, I’d go with grey, black, or white. BUT if you were feeling sassy, the red tassel tells me you should be wearing a bright red dress. Unfortunately I can’t pseudoshop for you, but those are my color suggestions.

    • Wear what you want to wear after the ceremony! The robes are going to cover everything anyway.

      • Ah, thanks — I didn’t go to my undergrad graduation so I didn’t realize that it would be fully covered.

        • Baconpancakes :

          Depends on your inclination. I like to wear ceremonial robes for as many hours as possible because it makes me feel like I go to Hogwarts, and I’m not going to keep the robe closed the whole time, so I definitely plan my outfit with the consideration that I’ll be wearing it open.

          • Anonymous :

            Good point! I wonder if I can get my family to call me Hermione all day? :)

  36. Need Advice - Sole Woman Standing :

    I recently (4 months ago) started as a director at a small company. I am the only woman on the executive committee out of 7 total members. I recently had a review meeting with the partners (both men). I had high marks on project management, team management, and work product. The constructive feedback they had to offer was on my behavior. They said that I was generally outspoken during meetings, especially during monthly executive meetings. The senior partner offered me this quote, “Don’t speak unless you can improve on silence” – E.A. Poe. He told me I spoke more than the meeting chair (which is definitely not true b/c that guy is also a huge talker).

    I certainly am not the quiet/reserved type in meetings and I do sometimes have the tendency to speak over people (I’m working on that one)… but they hired me to come in and make drastic changes at the company (e.g. overhaul an entire division, hire new staff, train existing staff, improve deliverables, increase business volume and develop new product offerings) and now I get the sense that they don’t like that I have so many ideas.

    I was a bit taken aback by the feedback, and so I asked if they could provide specific examples of when I was outspoken (they couldn’t). I am incorrect in interpreting this as sexist feedback? I’m pretty upset that this is the general sentiment at the firm, and considering completely overhauling how I represent myself at the company.

    How would you ladies deal with this situation? Thanks!

    • So they hired you to overhaul things and are annoyed that you are doing your job by pointing out a number of ways to do so?

      The lack of specific examples suggests that this is indeed a gendered complaint. It doesn’t sound like you are the party that needs overhauling here. I think that this may be one of those opportunities to cement yourself as someone who will not be overruled–why not bluntly point this out that this is exactly what you were hired to do, and if they don’t like it, they can find someone else? I’m sorry you’re putting up with this shit.

    • So they hired you to overhaul things and are annoyed that you are doing your job by pointing out a number of ways to do so?

      The lack of specific examples suggests that this is indeed a gendered complaint. It doesn’t sound like you are the party that needs overhauling here. I think that this may be one of those opportunities to cement yourself as someone who will not be overruled–why not bluntly point this out that this is exactly what you were hired to do, and if they don’t like it, they can find someone else? I’m sorry you’re putting up with this.

    • I don’t think that any of us can tell you if this is sexist feedback – there are some many contextual factors that we don’t have insight into. It is definitely the case that women are perceived differently than men are with respect to public presentation, so it’s certain possible. That said, I think that it’s worth both acknowledging that it may be sexism but also thinking very hard for yourself about a couple of things.

      First, you know you have an issue with talking over people, so that may be part of what they’re flagging. But you already know that, and you’re working on it, so set it aside.

      Second, I would think about whether or not you feel like other team members are withdrawing from the conversation when you participate rather than engaging. That can be a sign that you (or you and the chair collectively) are dominating the conversation in a way that is causing others to feel like their ideas aren’t welcome. I say this as someone who tends to be conversationally dominant and who is really working on this issue (it’s just hard when I’m super enthused/engaged!).

      What I am experimenting with is what I’m calling the “you talk first” meeting model – holding my thoughts for later in the conversation or, if I’m expected to lead, opening things up, speaking briefly, and inviting others to participate. Also, before I jump from one topic to another, stopping and inviting others to weigh in (and if appropriate, asking people by name for opinions on matters in their scope). It feels weird and mechanical, because I am used to a sort of rough and tumble conversational style where the conversation moves organically and people jump in and talk over each other and that’s all fine (because that’s how my family operates), but I think it is successful in drawing out others and ensuring that they feel they’ve been heard. Even if they don’t talk, they’re more likely to feel like they’ve been heard.

      Now, it may be the case that you’re 100% fine and you’re just being penalized for being a woman, but it doesn’t hurt you to think about whether there is any benefit to giving some hard thought to your meeting participation style and making sure that it’s optimal for you.

      • Anonymous :

        “think about whether or not you feel like other team members are withdrawing from the conversation” – w0w, great advice. I need to do this more when I’m really passionate about a topic and talk a lot.

      • Need Advice - Sole Woman Standing :

        Great advise both – thanks!

      • Lorelai Gilmore :

        My favorite boss ever was a brilliant, hard-charging woman who had received feedback in a 360 review that she was so brilliant and hard-charging that she was silencing her colleagues and cutting off debate. So she shifted her style. She’d come into a meeting and make sure that everyone else had had an opportunity to share views, raise issues, discuss; and then (often when someone finally said, “Boss, what do you think?”) she’d give a thoughtful, nuanced, and brilliant solution. I’m sure that at times it was infuriating for her to listen to all of us stumble through the decision-making, but it allowed everyone to be heard and as someone who worked for her, it felt great and really encouraging.

    • I received some similar feedback years ago. The advice was simply to be more strategic when I speak, which I did not take as sexism at all since I knew I had a tendency to blurt things out. Since I got that feedback, I have gotten a lot better about deciding when and how much to say.

      It got me thinking about how I went to a liberal arts school where many classes were discussion based and you were graded on how often you spoke and not necessarily on the quality of what you were saying.

  37. Swim cover-ups for somewhere where people tend to be put together? Thinking both swim/uvb protective type and also cute… I need a few!

    • Anonymous :

      Land’s End. I think they are called swim cover up dresses. Sun protection built in and cute enough to wear when you grab lunch.

    • Anonymous :

      +1 to LE and also the tunics / short knit dresses from Boden. And VV / Lilly.

    • AnonMidwest :

      Athleta, I have one of their UPF 50 Perfect petal dress from a couple of years ago. I think they’ve changed the styles/names. But I like the dress and the protection it provides.

  38. Addiction :

    Hi all, the partner of someone very close to me is going through addiction issues. I don’t know him (the partner) well, but he is a nice guy and I wish him the best. He is in rehab and is serious about getting better, and she is doing whatever nar-anon’s family support group is called, and it seems to be good for her. I can’t think of anything to do to support her other than making sure she knows she can call on me. If any of you have gone through anything similar, please let me know if there is something you wish someone close to you would have said or done to help you out. Or any other general tips. Thanks!

    • Addiction :

      I should mention that we don’t live near each other, so I can’t just pop over to her place or anything like that. (Although I could fly to her if she needed me.)

    • Unfortunately, I’ve been through this with a couple of family members.

      Any kind of nurturing-type gesture would have been appreciated. If your friend is anything like me, she’s probably been keeping a lot together for a long time, mostly by herself. I would have loved for someone to take care of me for once. I was exhausted from having to do everything and make all the decisions by myself during a very stressful time. My insane dream the impossible dream would have been for someone to plan a relaxing vacation for me where all I had to do was show up.

      I realize that’s almost certainly not feasible, but hopefully that gives you some kind of insight to what your friend may be going through, and you can possibly come up with something (a care package? with a thoughtful note?) to let her know you’re thinking of her and want to help.

  39. Has anyone seen 13 Reasons Why? I was skeptical but started at a friend’s suggestion. I can’t stop watching.

    • Anonymous :

      No.

      I have some friends who are reacting very negatively to it and have lost someone to suicide. Their thinking is that it is a perfect revenge fantasy (you’ll be sorry for what you did after I’m gone) that is aimed at the sort of audience who might mistake it for a manual and not for fiction (my problem with the Preppy Handbook, but if the worst that happens is that I know what how to play squash, that’s no so bad).

      I might watch it (or not), but I’m 46, not 16. If I had a 16 year old watching it, I’d be right there with her, probably the crazy old person arguing with the screen (but I’d be right).

      • Anonymous :

        +1 – most health professionals (mental) and otherwise, have had sharp criticism for the series. I’m not planning on giving it any eyeballs.

        • hoola hoopa :

          I haven’t seen it myself, but our school district sent an email out to middle school and high school parents saying that because many students are watching it and it’s bringing up issues, the school psychologists are offering their time to specifically discuss it with anyone who want/needs and they may begin coming to homerooms to discuss it generally.

          I’ve never seen anything like that before from our district.

          • Anonymous :

            That and the stuff that isn’t heroin but can kill you (forget the name).

            Where there are no do-overs, I’m OK with schools getting up and preaching NO. And I think they are right to at least talk. Shoot, they probably hear things I only wish I did and I’d hate to be the busy parent who was the last to know.

      • Baconpancakes :

        The Preppy Handbook wasn’t an instruction manual??? What have I been doing with my life!

        • Anonymous :

          It is a satire!

          I know, I took it to be a manual (Preppies for the Bridge & Tunnel Set). But I was 12 and also reading VC Andrews, so a person of wholly qustionable judgment. Often wrong, but never in doubt: isn’t that how it goes?

          BUT all the more reason not to watch this show. And now it has the whiff of “banned so I must sneak it with no supervision / filter / insights”. Can’t win.

      • Thanks for the feedback. I don’t think I’d let a teenager watch it but find interesting what kind of pressures kids are now facing.

    • New Tampanian :

      I watched it.

      I think it covers some really important issues and that if a parent watched with a child it could be good learning device. Or a way to broach these topics with their child.

      There are HARD topics, including suicide, rape, sexual assault, sexuality, bullying, etc., that need to be discussed.

  40. Hello Hive. I was just at a conference where I just found out that a former student of mine has completely plagiarized a project of mine that she originally worked with me on and is doing the project at another institution (she is still affiliated with ours, though), supervised by a colleague I know well who had no idea she had worked with me on the same project. I let that colleague know yesterday that she had worked with me on the same thing and he was floored.

    I have spent the last two days generating proof (old emails, project documentation) that she was not only aware of my project, but involved at the beginning of it, as well as proof of the extreme similarities of the two projects.

    I’m appalled at her extreme lack of ethics. I have some ideas of what to do at our home institution, but would heartily welcome any advice. Right now, I’m inclined to go nuclear and ensure that our university throws the book at her.

    • hoola hoopa :

      Whew, that’s bad. I don’t have immediate advice. I agree that going to her current supervisor know was the right first step.

      Without knowing the details, if it seems that she somehow didn’t realize that she was plagiarizing rather than inspired, then I’d take an information “you did wrong, this is why, and here’s what we’re going to do fix it” approach along side your colleague. If she appears to be without scruples, than I would also be very tempted to go up.

    • Anonymous :

      What’s the project?

      If she’s rewriting your master’s thesis as hers, I’d be upset and you’d have all the proof you needed. But if she worked on a drunk driving task force or some other Worthy Initiative, doesn’t she have the know-how to recreate the Worthy Initiative elsewhere?

      I mean, if it is Worthy, isn’t it the most sincere form of flattery that it’s got traction?

      And to be all lawyer about it, if you have no IP rights in it, it’s not really yours. If anything, your org has IP rights in it to fight over. Maybe it would be nice to have attribution (inspired by the work of Jane at XYZ College), but it’s not like you could license mere ideas (Annual Fund Drive, dialing for dollars, etc.).

      • I think the legal issues are probably less important than the ethical issues at an academic institution. Most have pretty strong rules about plagiarism. But they probably do apply differently to different types of work and projects.

        • OP here. While I can’t describe the project without outing both of us, I do have IP on the project and she is replicating the exact product and repping it as her own, so there are both ethical and legal issues at play here. I did approach her in person and alone–she became aggressive with me and offered to credit me in her presentation, at which point I walked away and contacted her supervisor. (Given her tone at the time, I am not sure her offer to credit me was real or sarcastic.)

          • Anonymous :

            I’m a professor and if this came up I would go to my dean and then hers.

          • Anonymous :

            If you’re in a hard science, you may have a point. But I think your Uni has more of a point — isn’t all of your IP a work for hire for your Uni? Let them get involved. They probably have inhouse legal that deals with this, esp. if there is grant $ or possiblity of monitizing it down the road.

        • Anonymous :

          Plagiarising is treating someone’s actual work product as your own.

          Inspiration is treating a project you worked on (or even one you heard about) as something worth doing again elsewhere.

          — I worked a Habitat House in Indianapolis. I’d like to do one in rural Tennessee, but maybe I’d start a similar org based on what I learned if I can’t find one like it.
          — I did RA training at State U. I’d like to do a similar program at Other State U.
          — I established a suicide hotline at State U. I think that it would also be good for Other State U to have one.

          I don’t get what the fuss is about — does it take $ from your pockets or limit your career options elsewhere? You seem bitter that your coworker is finding success elsewhere.

          • I appreciate your point about plagiarism versus inspiration. If it were just a matter of service to the community, I wouldn’t object at all and would have helped her had she reached out to me.

            And I am definitely bitter, though not about her success–I am so angry about all the time I spent mentoring and teaching her, only to have her turn around and do this.

          • Anonymous :

            I think the issue is that OP has said that this isn’t about inspiration but plagiarism.

            I’m also an academic and have served on many disciplinary committees, so in my experience, the difference is not Student is as RA for a paper about the peacock’s love of Nutella and decides to write her own research about why the giraffe loves bananas. (That would be inspiration.)

            Instead, plagiarism is more like Student is an RA for professor on paper about the peacock’s love of Nutella. (i.e., something specific.) Then the student goes to other part of institution and writes her dissertation on the peacock’s love of Nutella. (This is even worse if she tries to publish first in the area, making it appear that the professor copied her — a situation I have unfortunately seen!)

          • Anonymous :

            Maybe I’m missing the point, but I don’t get the problem if she wants to write something that is based on the same topic. She’d have to reproduce any research and it wouldn’t be like she was copying the paper word for word. You don’t own the idea. Maybe there’s room for multiple papers about peacocks and Nutella or whatever the subject matter is.

          • Anonymous :

            But what if you are a cancer researcher?

            If you work on research into X (something that is on your resume) at Uni A, can you not research X at Uni B (which knows you already worked on X when they hired you)? I get that if you try to patent a med in field X, Uni A and Uni B are probably going to fight it out in court.

            I really want people to find how to cure/treat cancer. If once in a field, never in the field elsewhere is the rule, that’s really not good for people who get cancer.

            Can OP or someone elaborate on how this works?

          • It’s absolutely not about “once in the field, never in the field elsewhere.” It’s a natural part of an academic career to change institutions multiple times, and you get hired for postdocs/PI roles based on your previous work. People stick with the same topic and move institutions all the time. It’s a question of giving credit to other people’s ideas. If someone is hired to do research, and they are actually passing of someone else’s research as their own, that’s not actually advancing the science. In fact, it’s harming things, because it’s using up money that could actually have gone to new and productive research.

          • In my humanities field, it would be possible to essentially replicate someone’s research by asking the same question in the same way, or going back to their sources to replicate the work. Probably more common is plagiarism by wholesale lifting writing. But the first would still be a problem if only that it suggests the student doesn’t have the scholarly chops to ask and answer her own questions. Plus, it’s very bad faith on her part to her supervisor as she may end up “scooping” the supervisor.
            But I suspect OP is in a more scientific field, where this is still malpractice, for reasons everyone’s explained.

    • In addition to going through the formal channels, I’d also start getting out ahead of any gossip. If you are networked in with major figures in your field, I’d give one or two of them a call asking for their advice on how to handle the situation. They’ll probably have good ideas – but, equally important, you will be getting your version of the story out to important people. Academia can be such a small world, and rumors about this kind of stuff can actually matter. You don’t want people thinking that you are the plagiarist somewhere down the line.

      • Thank you–I will get working on this!

        • Also in Academia :

          I hope this isn’t too late – but i do academic integrity for a living. If she is still enrolled at your university, or will be again, you may have some recourse through your own academic integrity/student conduct policy. I would talk to your student conduct office or dean of students, or whoever handles academic integrity. Additionally, I’d talk to the equivalent office at her new university as well. I see too many cases where faculty attempt to handle these things in-house, rather than reporting, and someone ends up getting 5 second chances because no one reported it to a central authority who can track multiple reports and repeat offenses.

          Additionally, for those with questions about inspiration vs. plagiarism, it’s important to note that many universities specifically prohibit using work from one course for credit in another. So, even if the work is entirely your own, you can’t use it multiple times without permission. Permission might be granted if you want to build on or expand a previous project, but you can’t just do the same project more than once and get academic credit for it. Layer that with the issue of her research not even being her own, but yours, and you definitely get to make an allegation of an academic integrity violation.

          • Not too late at all–thank you! I’m very glad I checked back. I did place a call in to our academic integrity office.

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