How do you use friends of friends in your job hunt — whether through LinkedIn, Facebook, or just real life?  There have been an number of questions about this lately, including Reader A, below… her friend may be starting work at a company with a great work environment and has offered to refer her for a position once she starts, but as Reader A says:

… after looking into the company a bit, I realized that company is co-owned by an acquaintance of mine’s, “Ann’s” father.  I went to Jr. high through college with his daughter, we were on HS newspaper together and had the same major in college and were buddies, but not close friends.  However, it’s been about 6 years since college and she moved across country so we’re pretty much just Facebook buddies.  I would really like to ask if she could give my resume to her father as it could be very helpful in securing a position there, but I don’t want to seem rude.  If she worked there, I’d simply pass it along to her, but is it inappropriate to ask her to give it to her dad?  Also, should I have a specific position in mind or be open to anything (which I am?  What’s the best way to ask her?  Please advise me how to go about this situation!

This is a great question, because you should definitely ask.  Sometimes a script can be helpful when approaching acquaintances with a favor of this magnitude, though, so here is what I would say:

Dear Ann — How are you?  It’s been so long; I hope all is well.  Your family name recently crossed my path while researching a company I’d love to work for — it turns out it’s your father’s company!  Do you think it would be possible for you to introduce me to your dad via email? I’d love to get his advice for the best way to get into Office X.

A lot has happened on my end of things since our newspaper and college days — I’m sure it has for you too. I took my major in __ and worked at ___, getting really interested in __ specialty.  On the personal side of things I have an apartment I love, an amazing cat, and I’ve recently started dating a great guy….  Are you still using Major __?  What’s up with you these days?  Would love to reconnect the next time you’re back in town…

So, to break it down, here’s my advice…

- Be very clear about what you want.  Remember, people are busy, so you shouldn’t bury the lead: you want an introduction to her father.  In fact, I’d even put that as the subject line to the email or FB message.

- Be as warm as possible. Just because you’re being clear about what you want doesn’t mean it has to be an arm’s length transaction. I’d also say that just because you weren’t best friends 10 years ago doesn’t mean you might not be great friends now — people grow, and I would honestly look at this as a possible “new” friend, particularly if you work in the same industry.  Briefly disclose a bit of your life — be positive without bragging, and share without giving TMI.  If you’ve noticed on her activity stream that she recently got married, or moved to a new city, congratulate her on it — tell her the dress was to die for, or offer up your favorite restaurant in that city.  Be honest, of course, and not stalkerish.  Good: “I seem to remember seeing wedding pictures on your activity stream a while back — congratulations, you looked so happy!”  Bad: “I remember from your update on June 3, 2010 that you thought ‘people should mind their own business [insert other moody and purposely vague FB post here].’ I hope you resolved whatever that was about!”

- Be generally brief so the recipient reads and decides the outcome immediately, instead of setting aside the email to read later.  A lot of this depends on the recipient’s attitude about these things, more than your wording of the letter.  Some people will think, “Cool, no problem, I’ll dash off a two-line email introducing you and him.”  Some people will immediately think “Wow, I’m so not comfortable doing that;” some of these people will tell you that and others will just not respond.  Either way, by being brief and clear in your letter, you get the response immediately — whereas writing a three paragraph salvo may just result in the person saying “wow, this is long, I’ll read this later,” and then forgetting about it entirely.  (For my $.02, if I got an email like this from a high school/college acquaintance, I’d be fine to dash off a two-line email introducing you to whomever, but I would probably make it clear in that email that Reader A isn’t my best friend, she’s just someone I know from college and high school.)

Ultimately, though, I think this is one of those things where the adage, “You miss 100% of the shots that you don’t take,” applies.  Make the call, write the email — if you miss, so what? It won’t hurt in your current job hunt, and if this person is already just an old acquaintance, it doesn’t sound like your relationship will be changed much.  (Pictured above: Basketball hoop, originally uploaded to Flickr by Steve A. Johnson.)

Readers, what is your approach for using second- and third-tier connections in your job search?  How do you ask for referrals?

Reader L wonders if she can ask her adjunct professor for help finding a job:

I have an etiquette question for you. I am a third year law student looking for a job after graduation, preferably at a small firm or a nonprofit. One of my classes is taught by an adjunct professor who practices in the field I want to work in. What is the etiquette behind approaching him to see if he knows people who might be hiring? Thanks for any advice.

I’m curious to hear what the readers say here. Here’s my take:

Can you ask him if he knows of any open positions? Absolutely; there’s nothing inappropriate about that question. But let me warn you… here’s how that conversation is going to go: “Do you know of anyone who’s hiring right now?” Adjunct professor, thinking briefly of any jobs he’s heard of that day or week: “Nope. Sorry!” He won’t be offended, but you’re not likely to get much out of the exchange.  (Pictured: Einstein’s blackboard, originally uploaded to Flickr by rich_w.)

So here’s what you actually want to do: network with your professor. You want him to think of you when he sees a job a month from now, or two months from now, or maybe even three years from now. You want him to tell you the lay of the land in that field: who are the big players? Who are the big clients? Where is it heading? What are his favorite niche publications? Which is his favorite conference? What are the “offshoot professions” (there’s probably already a term for this, but I’m going to make up my own term for it right now) — the roads that people take if they decide they want to use their knowledge and expertise, but don’t want to be Niche Lawyer? (For example, in media law people sometimes became agents; sometimes writers themselves. They also sometimes went to work for media insurance companies.) Particularly in a tight job market, you might need to expand your search to include the offshoot professions, with hopes that you’ll still gain helpful resume experience, and networking connections, that will eventually land you your dream job.

So ask him to lunch. Make friends with him — tell her the truth, that you admire him, would love to be in his shoes, and want his advice. Ask him how he got to where he is, and slowly start to work in some of the questions above. At the end of lunch, ask him who else you should talk to — my guess is he’ll be happy to give you at least one or two names of people he knows. Your goal should be to come away from lunch with your professor with at least three action steps for yourself: something new to read (preferably an email newsletter or something free and regular), contact information for someone else to ask to lunch, and a few new Google searches to run yourself on the players and other facts you learn about at the lunch. You may even have a job to apply to, or an upcoming conference to try to attend.

Now the part that may be hard: asking an older man to lunch. There is nothing wrong with asking him to a one-on-one lunch, and if you have the guts to do it, my hat is off to you. Personally, I didn’t have the guts — when I was in law school, taking a class from one of the top lawyers in my preferred field, I wound up asking my adjunct out to lunch along with another classmate, my roommate’s boyfriend at the time. (Brutal honesty here: I wasn’t threatened by my male classmate at all — my worst nightmare would have been if my lunch date became the Golden Boy at my expense.) More reading for you: The Careerist just talked about how men are very wary of networking with younger women. Joy.

Readers, what is your advice for Reader L?  Do you have any great experiences you can share where you turned an adjunct/student relationship into a long lasting relationship?

Update: As readers are pointing out, the best way to get on the adjunct’s radar is to do really well in the class.  You may also want to wait until after the semester is over before asking him out for lunch (although I honestly think I asked my adjunct out for lunch while the semester was still ongoing, perhaps because it was a small enough class that our final in-class exam was done with numbers instead of names or some other blind grading method).

Reader A asks a great question for everyone who had a wilder youth:  what to do about tattoos in the office?

As I’m now a law student, I’m worried about how to dress in order to hide my tattoos, which go from both shoulders down to right above my elbows; they’re dark enough to be seen through most lighter button-downs. Not that it matters, but they’re all very tasteful– I went to art school in my wild undergrad days. Now, though, I’m wondering whether I’ll be forever banned from wearing any sheer blouse or sleeveless shirt. Am I destined to wear collared shirts for the next thirty years of work? Any advice would be appreciated immensely.

We haven’t talked about tattoos in the workplace for years, so let’s revisit the subject. I will say at the outset that I think tattoo sleeves are in a very different category than the tiny tattoo somewhere noticeable (wrist, ankle) or the bigger tattoo somewhere generally hidden (lower back, shoulder blade).  As someone with tattoo sleeves (or half-sleeves) (tattoo ballet sleeves?), you should not only know your office, but I think should also know a) yourself, b) your boss, and c) your business relationships.  (Pictured: Shading, originally uploaded to Flickr by liquidnight.) Here’s what I mean:

In a conservative office with conservative clients, I’m sorry, but yes, your tattoos are likely something you’re going to hide, at least most of the time.  I would always hide them for interviews and first meetings, and honestly, for the first ten meetings.  Once you get to know someone (the boss, the assistant, the client, the opponent, whomever) you can show more personality, which can, in some circumstances, include showing your tats.  (You say they’re all “very tasteful,” so I’m assuming there’s nothing unsuitable for the office with your tattoos, such as nudity, foul language, etc.) In some jobs — where literally any day could be the first day you meet a new big client — this will effectively mean you have to cover your arms most of the time.  On the plus side, a blazer looks professional with so many outfits and will effectively hide your tattoos, so you should be fine; in many ways, your tattoos will be easier to hide than the small wrist or ankle tattoos that some women get.

That said, are you really the type of person who wants to work in a conservative office?  At least in my experience, the “I have tattoos from my shoulders to my elbows” person is far different from the “I got a butterfly on my ankle on Spring Break” person — it takes commitment (and I’m guessing a fair amount of pain) to get that much ink, and probably was not the result of one night of drinking –  but it also means that you probably dance to the beat of your own drummer and may have less respect for conventions and authority.  I’m going to guess that even if the work of a conservative office appealed to you (e.g., a big firm that has a great art law or entertainment law division), the atmosphere of the office would grate on your nerves after a year or two.

So I think your approach to jobs should be thus:  If you’re going for a conservative job, consent to covering your arms for most of the time, ideally with a blazer.  Especially with a large law firm, this can be a great first step because of the connections you make, the experience you get, and the doors that are open to you afterwards (to say nothing of the salary) — so covering your arms shouldn’t be that big of a tradeoff, at least for a little while.  When seeking a less conservative job, though, I would advise covering your arms for the interview — and then seriously gage the interviewer and office to see how good of a fit you, your tattoos, and your personality may be for the office.  If it’s really important to you, ask about personal expression, the dress code, what kind of client interactions, and more — because the fit of the office is going to be key to a happy work environment for you.

Readers, what are your thoughts on tattoos in the workplace?  Do you think some tattoos put people in a different category than others?  Has anyone had experience with tattoo removal on a large scale, or covering tattoos on a regular basis for work?

When is the best day to email someone?  Reader M wonders about this when she’s had a job interview and needs to send her follow-up email…

Imagine that I’m corresponding with someone about a job — potential boss, hiring manager, whomever. The ball’s been in their court for a week. It’s now Friday afternoon. Am I better emailing them today, or waiting until Monday? Or should I even wait until Tuesday, considering that Monday is a busy day?

In general, what day of the week do you think gets the most results? Or is it more the wording of the email that counts?

For my $.02, the simple answer is Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. Pictured: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday… originally uploaded to Flickr by gak.

Here’s my reasoning:  No matter how the email is worded, the thing you have to realize is that you are creating work for the recipient.  They may have to check the status of your application.  Maybe they need to check the status of other applications.  Maybe they need to check with the hiring committee.  Even if it’s a straight answer — let’s say a no — they need to give your interview folder one final look-see before they reject you, and then write a politely-worded email.  Any or all of these tasks will likely take more than the two minutes most people allocate to on the spot answers, which means this task (responding to your email) will end up on their to-do list.

The other thing you have to realize is that a potential job applicant is sort of tertiary to someone’s job, especially from the “year end review” perspective.  Even if you’re emailing someone in the hiring business (e.g., a recruiter), you rank below the people paying their salary and bills: the boss and clients.  This particular task may even factor below the small, unpleasant tasks that one has to do to keep the office running such as ordering business cards, reviewing the last phone bill, etc.

So let’s look at workflow — when do people do small tasks that are low on their to do list?

- Not Friday afternoons — they’re eager to wrap things up and get out of the office.

- Not Monday morning.  In fact, not any workday morning — in my experience, most people spend workday mornings doing triage, filtering through the emails that have come in since you left work, figuring out which ones are urgent, and prioritizing the rest accordingly.  I would avoid Monday afternoon as well because it’s such a busy day.

- I would avoid Thursday afternoons as well.  While those may be OK for some people, but I think a lot of people have already started their “wrap up” process by then, which means your email may sit until the next time they’re doing non-urgent emails — which might mean you’d wait until Tuesday afternoon.

… which leaves us with my $.02 answer: Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon.

What do you think, readers — if you have the luxury of timing an email, what is the best day to send it?  Particularly in Reader M’s hypothetical job hiring scenario, when would you send the email?

Reader L wonders how to stay friendly with people who compete for the same jobs she is…

I am about to graduate from graduate school in a professional field. My friends and I are all searching for similar jobs. How can we deal with the competitive nature of the job hunt, specifically in our field, without letting it get in the way of our relationships? I feel pangs of jealousy when a friend gets an interview for a job I applied for (a highly immature reaction, I know) and I’m sure I’m not the only one of the group to feel this way. I try to avoid discussing the job hunt, but it seems to come up in conversation regardless. Help!

We got into this a bit back when another reader asked about being competitive with her significant other, but I don’t think we’ve talked about it in the abstract.  So let’s discuss.  (Pictured: Gold, Silver, Bronze, originally uploaded to Flickr by TofflerAnn.)

First:  Don’t talk about it.  You know this (everyone does), but hey, one must start with the basics.  If you’re stressed about interviews, don’t talk about it.  If you’re worried about an upcoming interview, don’t talk about it.  If you’re pleased that one went well, definitely don’t talk about it.  Some of this comes down to social circles — surely you have friends or family who are not going through the same interview stress that you are right now, and you can talk about it with them.

Now, if you’re doing poorly, perhaps you should talk about it to see what you’re doing wrong.  But I would start with Career Services at your school, because they’ll have the best idea of how you’re actually doing.  For example, if you’ve applied to ten jobs and gotten two interviews:  that may mean “wow, let’s find that typo on your resume” or it may be “congratulations! that’s great in this economy!”  After you’ve talked about it with Career Services, if you still want to talk to friends about it, choose one or two people who you will listen to and trust their advice, and no more.  Bonus points if you can find friends a year or two ahead of you in school who’ve already been through this all before, but are no longer mired in it.

Second:  Deal with what you can control: yourself.  I completely understand the jealousy — it’s human nature.  I would take “immaturity” out of it and ask yourself: can you get over it?  For example, can you reason with yourself that the other people have a different background, different wording on their resumes, different connections — and all those little differences sometimes add up to “let’s call person X” or “let’s not call person Y.”  The mood of the person selecting resumes could have been different… they could have been rushing… they could have preferred the font your friend used to the one that you used.  It could be anything.  The trick is to acknowledge that and move past it.

Now if you can’t move past it — that’s OK.  I think it takes maturity to recognize that and act accordingly, such as removing yourself from those social circles for a little while and hanging out with other friends, or by yourself.

Third: If people are jealous of you, you’ve probably broken Rule the First — and talked about it.  So: don’t do that.

Readers, what are your best tips for dealing with this situation?  How do you handle it when you and friends compete for jobs?

How does job hopping affect your career prospects? If you go in intending to leave in a short period of time, how bad is that? Reader T writes in with an interesting question about job loyalty…

I am leaving my current company as a result of my discovery of some unethical practices. I had originally hoped to move to a job abroad after my stint here, but I had banked on a having a longer timeline to work with.

I am now looking for a new job in my current (States-side) area. However, I’m also still clinging to hope of that job abroad. My question is, assuming I can quickly find a new job in my current location, how many bridges would I inevitably burn if I were to jump ship after a couple of months? For that matter, would international companies be unwilling to hire me if I’ve only been at Interim Job for less than a year? Not to mention, I would have to leave International Job after 2 years anyway in order to pursue my MBA. Finally, would I be reducing my chances of getting into a good business school by possibly sending the (false) impression that I’m flighty? In sum, how do I make this transition as non-destructive as possible?

Wow… my first impression is that I’m tired just reading your plans! Ultimately, I think you should avoid taking a permanent job for as short a period of time as “a couple of months,” but taking a job with the expectation of going to business school down the line is fine (with the understanding that the adage, “God laughs when you make a plan,” is often true.)  Let’s discuss more — I’m curious to hear what readers say, particularly about whether multiple jobs in a short period of time will hurt your b-school prospects.  (Photo credit: -RejiK.)  A few more quick thoughts:

a) Taking a permanent job with the expectation that you will “jump ship after a couple of months” seems unethical to me.  Job hunts take time and money for the company, and there’s a breaking-in process whenever someone starts.  Yes, I think, you can expect to burn those bridges at your hypothetical Interim Job — but also, I suspect, with any people from your current job (presumably in the same market) who recommended you for the future job.  Furthermore:  why stay States-side now? Why not just accelerate things and look for the job abroad? You don’t say why you want “a longer timeline” by just a few months — is it money-related?  Partner-related?  Lease related?  I think almost all of those are things that can be worked with (e.g., borrow money from your parents, live apart from your partner for a few months, or break your lease) far more simply than actively taking a permanent job with the intention of leaving before, at least, a year.  If you really must stay States-side, there  are plenty of contract-based jobs, consultant work, and more — even paid internships — that are only expected to last for a few months, which I think would be a much better situation if you really don’t want to look for a permanent job abroad right now.  Even moving to International City to gather more experience while waiting for the right moment to apply to International Job would be preferable to burning all of your bridges in your current city.

b) “I would have to leave International Job after 2 years anyway to pursue my MBA.” Maybe I’m daft here, but:  why?  Because this is your Life Plan?  Unless you’ve already been admitted to business school in 2014 — which is probably something you should tell Future Employer about anyway, whether States-side or International — you should stop thinking about this as a plan written in ink.  You can say to yourself, “I really would like to go to Business School X in 2014.”  You can even say to yourself, “I’m not buying an apartment or signing a 5-year lease because I plan to go to Business School X in 2014.”  But… realistically speaking, life has a way of happening despite your plans.  Maybe you’ll love International Job.  Maybe you’ll decide business school isn’t for you.  Maybe you’ll quit your business job, start a calligraphy business,  and then decide to go back to school to become an oncologist.  (True story from one of my friends.)  I suppose my point here is that, in my mind, taking a job with the intention of going to business school down the line is a very different animal than taking a job with the intention of quitting two months later.  I suppose life could intervene even in the few months at your proposed Interim Job, but so much can happen in two years that, as an employer, I’d be willing to take a chance on you (and not regret it even if you did go to business school two years later).

c) Now, finally: how many jobs can you take before you’re seen as flighty as far as business schools and future employers are concerned? I poked around a bit to see what other advice has been given. Far from the old advice that job hopping was the way to get ahead, nowadays people aren’t so sure.  Ask Men notes that there may be a perception of volatility, incompetence, impropriety, and/or a lack of structure and growth in your life — as well as a fear of commitment.  Ouch. Over at Forbes Woman, J. Maureen Henderson advises that you shouldn’t switch jobs unless you’re moving up, “you’ve milked your current gig dry,” and you can tie all of your jobs together as part of some grand plan.  Meanwhile, a recent Catalyst report found that the most successful women primarily rose through the ranks at one company, something that I could see being useful if we talk about “building the bank of credibility” that’s necessary if you want to take maternity leave and the like. Similarly, a recent article in FT notes anecdotal evidence that successful women tend to be more loyal with companies.  I think for all those reasons, I would caution you against changing jobs willy-nilly — but to keep your eyes open to opportunities that materially advance your career and/or your skillset. Here, I think that means focusing your job search on International Job if that’s the career and connections you want down the line, and forgetting about a potential Interim Job.

Readers, what are your thoughts?  Do you think it’s wrong to take a permanent job with the expectation that you’ll leave in a couple of months?  Do you think employers and admission committees are more suspicious of people who’ve had multiple jobs in a short period of time?  Do you think actively job hopping is a bad move, in general, for women?

Reader J wonders how she can turn a temporary job into a permanent job, but is nervous because she already knows the interviewers…

After being laid off from an in-house counsel position several months ago, I obtained a part-time, temporary position in the same industry. After being here a couple months, the company opened up a permanent, full-time Associate General Counsel position. The job description is broader than what I am doing as my temp assignment, but I believe I am well-qualified. I also really like the company and my co-workers. I submitted my resume, and HR just contacted me to schedule interviews for next week.

What makes this situation unusual is that my interviewers will be the GC and others with whom I already interact on a daily basis. I think I interview pretty well; I have been offered nearly every job I have interviewed for since graduating from law school. But I am very nervous about this temp-to-perm scenario.

Congratulations on making it through to the first round of interviews! We’ve talked about how to change jobs within companies before, but we haven’t really talked about how to interview with your current colleagues and coworkers.  To be honest, I’m not quite sure I understand your nervousness — this sounds like a great situation from all angles. From my perspective: your interviewers know you and your work product, you already know a bit about them and how to play the interview, it should be easy to figure out what the interviewer is “really” asking, and you probably have a better understanding of the new job and its demands. When I interviewed for my last legal job (at the non-profit), I already knew my future boss, having interned at the non-profit during law school and having kept in touch with her through the years.  I viewed that as a positive thing because I knew what to expect on the interview.  Don’t get me wrong, I did my homework, just like I would have for any job interview: I scoured the non-profit’s website, I read up on the particular area of the law that they wanted the new position to focus on (I read an entire treatise the nonprofit had put out on the subject, actually), I went through recent newsletters and publications to find other new cases and issues to discuss at the interview, and I did my best to figure out what was “missing” or what I could add.  (And yes, I wore a suit, even though I knew it was a business casual office.) I always advise anyone going on a job interview to focus on what you bring to the job, but here that “let me help you” vibe was magnified because I was excited to show my potential boss how I could make an impact in the job, how my background would be perfect for the position, and how my approach to the job would be the right one.  I also went into the interview with the theory that if she didn’t like my approach, or if she found another candidate who was better qualified — well, so be it — and I like to think that we would have stayed friendly even if I hadn’t gotten the job.

You haven’t said whether or not the new job will be replacing your temporary job — or if the temp job will still exist after they fill this position.  If they do fill the position with someone else, do your best not to be bitter about it, and carry on like the professional you are.

It is a little weird that the company didn’t come to you directly to let you know you should throw your hat into the ring for the position, but that possibly can be chalked up to corporate bureaucracy — maybe jobs are created and advertised through a specific process.  In any event, I might do some extra preparation for what might be your perceived “weaknesses” — if you haven’t done X before in this position, for example, I would make sure I had a number of specific examples of times you did X in previous jobs.  If there are new skills required, explain what your approach would be to learn those skills — and tell or remind the interviewer (again, with specific stories whenever possible) about how you’ve already learned Y and Z in the past.

Readers, what are your best tips for interviewing with friends and coworkers? 

A recent SNL episode featured a fictional campaign advertisement for a mayoral candidate.  The character, Glenda Okones (played by Kristen Wiig),  listed her flaws, including her reputation for being harsh and cold.  “Here’s why,” she said:  “I just have a naturally frowny face. Not ugly, but certainly severe looking.”

Ah, perfect, I thought: an opportunity to talk about bitchface.

I’ll admit: the main reason we haven’t talked about it before is because I didn’t want to use bad words in the headline of the post!  But I think this is something that can affect a professional woman’s career, and something we should talk about.

Now I admit, wholeheartedly, that I have a naturally frowny face.  A reader once remarked that in my videos I’m always super smiley — it’s primarily because I end up looking super annoyed if I’m not.  (If I have time I’ll have to dig out some scrapped footage from the Lancome sponsored post — I couldn’t believe the video editors got so much usable footage of me looking serious because when I sent it in I worried I just looked bitchy.  Here:  me, serene but not smiling , versus me, actually pissed off.) I think most times it doesn’t matter.  After all, if I’m talking with people they can usually tell that I’m not super annoyed, and if I’m not talking to people (such as if I’m just walking down the street), I don’t really care what you think of me.

That said, I can think of at least one time this trait affected me professionally.  A few years ago I was part of a very small trial team in federal court in Philadelphia.  After a few days of trial, I grew weary of the high calorie, rushed lunches my colleagues ate, and so I excused myself and ducked out to the Subway across the street… and promptly found myself in line, in a very small shop, with all of the female members of the jury.  The first thought that went through my mind was panic — should I turn and walk out?  (I stayed. Which, looking back, was probably the wrong decision.)  Would they recognize me?  (Of course they would — it was an empty courtroom every day except for the lawyers, jury, judge, and occasional witness.)  Should I try to make conversation?  Compliment someone’s bag?  Talk about the sandwich I was looking forward to?  (I decided not to speak unless spoken to.)

Having made all these difficult decisions in the space of about two seconds, I was left standing there wondering what to do.  I didn’t want to fiddle with my phone or Blackberry — they might see some private conversation or think I was self-absorbed.  I realized that, no matter what they thought of my case, my fellow attorneys, or my behavior during the trial, I wanted them, above all else, to not think I was a total bitch.  I didn’t want it to come up in the jury deliberation room — “oh, the side with those stuck-up New York lawyers?” — and I didn’t want it to come up in the back of their minds.  In fact, never in my life had I wanted to look so approachable, so reasonable, so likeable, as I did in those few minutes… and that includes the first time I met my future in-laws.

What I wound up doing was studying the menu — like I had never been to a Subway before in my life! — and doing my very, very best to think happy, contented thoughts.  I thought of my then-boyfriend (now husband), and our upcoming trip to Paris.  I thought of a great sale that I’d been to a week or so before.  I thought of a funny inside joke my brother and I have shared for the past 25 years or so.  And then I ordered my sandwich (being extra careful to say please and thank you), and got the heck out of that Subway shop.

Ever since that Subway experience, I’ve wondered about bitchface.  Can it really affect you professionally?  I can imagine that I probably looked like a bitch when I was taking notes in all of my classes, particularly the classes where I wasn’t engaged — did teachers think less of me because of my naturally frowny face?  In interviews, many people say the first impression, such as seeing someone in a waiting room, is what matters — should I always attempt to “think happy thoughts” during those time periods?  Does it matter that this is one of those peculiar female problems — for example, how many male politicians and trial lawyers tell themselves to think happy thoughts during their moments in repose?

Readers, what do you think?  Do you think you have a naturally frowny face — and how has it affected your professional life? 

Reader K asks about the merits of cheap suits for women…

I’m in the process of changing from a career where pajamas are appropriate work attire to something more “professional” and need all the help I can get. I have been shopping for an interview suit (my first ever and I am almost 40!) and am not sure how to weigh quality vs cost. My clothes budget has been limited to a few t-shirts, a pair of jeans, and maybe a sweater per year so I am unaccustomed to spending a significant amount of money on clothes. I have been browsing at discount stores like Ross, Marshalls, and Kohls to try and find my interview suit for under $100. However, the more I read your blog the more I am wondering if I should suck it up and spend $200-300 on a suit that is wool from a store like Ann Taylor or Banana Republic. Aside from the fact that a well made wool suit will last longer than a synthetic Calvin Klein suit from Ross, do you think there is a significant visual difference? I figure that if my cheap suit works for the interview I can always invest in quality clothes once I have a job that pays more. However, the last thing I want is for the interviewer to think “damn, that’s a cheap suit!”. Any advice?

Great, great question, and I think we should expand the discussion to the differences between LOTS of different price ranges. (The pictured suit is actually not a cheap one, but rather an expensive one — I’ve just been looking for an excuse to share it with you guys without recommending it.  Tee hee.) Here’s my take:

- Under $100. There are lots of suits to be found for under $100, but in general these are going to be sold as a single “suit” — one price for both the jacket and bottoms, whether you’re getting pants or a skirt. While the skirts can sometimes look OK when worn as a separate, the pants almost never do (at least, that’s my experience). Furthermore, because these suits are so inexpensive, the fabric they’re made of is often difficult to work with and may wrinkle easily, hold smells more easily, and start to get a bit shiny when you dryclean them. Bottom line: These suits are great for when you want to bolster a professional wardrobe — particularly if you have to wear suits 5 times a week — but for my money, I would not purchase this kind of suit for an interview/wardrobe basic.

- Under $200. There are suit separates to be had for under $200, particularly at mall stores (think The Limited, Express, or LOFT), as well as at department stores (Macy’s in particular has a number of “Every Day Value” separates from AK Anne Klein, Ellen Tracy, and Calvin Klein). These will be in basic, solid colors, you can get both pants and skirts (and maybe even multiple jackets) to match, in separate sizes (perfect if you need an 8 on top and a 6 in the bottom). The fabric will not be the best (see above), but in terms of bang for your buck, you’re going to get a lot more wear out of these pieces as a wardrobe staple as WELL as an interview suit. Furthermore, if you have to interview twice, you can wear the skirt once and the pants the next time, instead of wearing the same suit. You can also get a better suit that’s sold as a single unit for around $150 or so — I’ve had good luck with Tahari suits off the rack at Macy’s. Bottom line: If you’re working on a very limited budget, these suits are going to be a better use of your money, give you more wardrobe flexibility, and generally look better than the $100-and-under category.

- $200-$500. This is where your ability to watch sales is going to come into play, because it’s pretty common to see a $500 suit go on sale for under $250 if you know what you’re buying. This price range puts you into the better mall stores — Ann Taylor, J.Crew, Banana Republic — and you’ll start to see better fabrics here, such as natural fibers (look for wool you can wear year-round) as well as suiting separates. These suits are going to wear better, fit better, and be easier to wear as separates than any of the cheaper categories.

- $500-$1000.  The fabrics just keep getting better as you get into the range of Theory, Elie Tahari, Nanette Lepore, Rebecca Taylor, Hugo Boss, and more.  In addition to seeing some great basics (Theory suits are, of course, a perennial favorite), there are some more interesting, lovely suits (as we frequently discover in our Suit of the Week feature).

- $1K+.  I’m sure there are differences in the fabrics and fit for this price range, but let’s just say it:  if you buy a suit in this price range it’s pretty much a) to cross something off your Fashion Bucket List, or b) because you’re so rich the price just does not matter.  (Neither of those are bad reasons!)

Ladies, what differences do you see in different price ranges for suits?  How much does YOUR average suit cost (both in terms of sticker price and in terms of what you’ll actually pay, after any discounts)?

Reader C has a great question about thank yous to your references…

I’m anxiously awaiting a few job offers–and am wondering if a $100 gift card to a delicious local restaurant is an appropriate thank you for each of my references? (The potential offers are for healthcare-related opportunities–hospital positions and consulting gigs.) What have you done in the past?

I first misread this question as how to thank your interviewers. (No gift cards to interviewers!) I think this is a cute idea, but one that could be tweaked to make it even better:

Instead of gift cards, take your references to lunch. Ask their career advice, what they think your strong suits are heading into any new job (and, just for your ears, what they think your weaknesses might be!). Ask them how they got to where they are, what they might have done differently given the clarity of hindsight. And then… stay in touch with them. Tell them how you’re doing, ask them to lunch once a year or so and see how they’re doing.

This is how you turn a work colleague into a mentor, at least in my experience. But if you’re far away, a gift card is a nice idea. (Although, truth be told, I don’t think I’ve ever thanked my references with any specific “gift”!)  (Pictured above: Steve’s 80′s Party, originally uploaded to Flickr by Bob. B. Brown.)

Readers, how do you thank the people who serve as your references on your resume?