Being Girly

Diamond Rings and the Working Girl

by Kat on 03/17/2011 · 304 comments

in Being Girly, Career, Interviewing, Jewelry, Lifestyle, Love, Professionalism

Acadia Ring Emerald-Cut Diamond Platinum Ring This should be a fun conversation. Reader S wonders what size diamond ring is appropriate for a professional woman…

What size wedding ring/engagement ring is appropriate for a professional office? Personally, I think giant rings are gaudy and tacky. But I overheard a couple of attorneys saying the other day “”Do you ever see a friend posting pictures on facebook about her recent engagement and when you see her ring, you think to yourself ‘oh, honey, I’m so sorry!’”" so I guess rings can be too small as well. What size will keep you safe from the gossip?

I’m glad she asked this question, because I remember some of the comments turned to engagement rings in our conversation on the intern with the Hermes handbag, and there were some fascinating differences of opinion in there. For my $.02, I think that any size ring is appropriate for a professional office, provided that the ring is actually an engagement ring, and not a cocktail ring worn as an engagement ring. (Engagement rings are fairly simple, in part because they’re intended to be worn on a daily basis. Diamond cocktail rings (full disclosure: I own one, love it, and wear it a ton) can be gorgeous, but they’re often bigger (either in length, width, or height), sparklier, and to a certain extent, gaudier, than what an engagement ring is; they should be worn only when the occasion calls for it. I’m right handed, so I like to wear mine on the middle finger of my right hand, particularly if I’m attending a cocktail event where I’ll be holding a glass with my right hand.)  I will say, though, to those of you looking to get engaged, pass this tip on to your soon-to-be fiance: don’t go into debt to buy an engagement ring.  You can always add to the ring later, either by adding diamonds to it as baguettes, by “upgrading” your diamonds (from a less-clear one to a clearer one), or so forth.  (Pictured above:  Acadia Ring Emerald-Cut Diamond Platinum Ring , available at Gemvara for $61,297, also available in combinations of white gold, yellow gold, and almost any other gemstone (for a huge range of prices) — just click “customize”.)

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Tiptoeing Through the Tulips: How to Walk Quietly in Heels

by Kat on 02/28/2011 · 64 comments

in Being Girly, Shoes

Loud feet, originally uploaded to Flickr by blacktauReader J wonders how one can walk quietly in heels…

One problem I struggle with is finding shoes that don’t echo down the hallway every time I take a step. As a legal assistant, I spend a lot of time running to the courthouse to file papers, etc., and I’m very conscious of the fact that my heels announce my arrival. I would love it if you could do a post about how to walk quietly!

Interesting question. My best advice, I think, is to look into getting rubber soles and rubber tips put on your heels — something a cobbler should be able to do for you fairly quickly and easily. The rubber should tread more quietly, and it should also prevent skidding (bonus!). (Pictured: Loud feet, originally uploaded to Flickr by blacktau.)

You may also want to make sure that your shoes fit properly — if your heels are sliding out of your shoes there may be an echo effect to whatever sound you’re making.

Finally, some shoes are just noisy — flip-flops, I’m looking at you — and just shouldn’t be worn at the office for that reason.  A lot of platform heels also have this problem, sadly.

Readers, what’s your advice for how to walk quietly in heels?

(Also: don’t forget to check out the Corporette Guide to Comfortable Heels if you haven’t already!)

{ 64 comments }

Dear Sir: The Problem with Gender Neutral Names

by Kat on 01/19/2011 · 218 comments

in Being Girly, Business Etiquette, Career, Names, Networking

It's a girl!... originally uploaded to Flickr by duncanReader M has a question about gender-neutral names…

I am a new practicing attorney with a gender-neutral name. I’ve been in practice since October (4 months) and have already received at least 10 correspondences addressed to “Mr. Last Name.” Aside from making a phone call to the offending party and changing the footer in my email to all pink, is there a way to politely correct individuals about my gender?

Excellent question! I think you have a few options. (Pictured:  It’s a girl!… originally uploaded to Flickr by duncan.) The obvious one, sadly, is to not care so much — after all, the issue will be resolved if the correspondence continues, and the egg is really on the other party’s face right now. But you can do a few things to improve the odds of getting a properly-addressed correspondence, particularly if the other party cares about these things:

First, make sure you have a picture on your company’s website (if it isn’t already mandatory). Check out some of our previous advice on how to take a good corporate headshot here. If you don’t have a photo, but have a bio, do your best to use feminine pronounces. “Ms. ____ recently wrote these three articles.”

Second, manage your online presence. Sign up for Linked In and attach a picture to the account, and make your profile picture on Facebook visible.  A lot of people might Google your name to see information about you.

Third, leave a message with your own voice. (If you’re currently using the automated voicemail (or having your secretary record your messages), stop that!) This will help the people who secretly call after hours (or call the operator and ask for your voicemail) to ascertain the pronunciation of a name or even the sex.

Fourth, talk with your secretary about the problem — ask him or her to please very clearly state, “Miss ____’s office” when she picks up the phone.

If you’re doing all of this already, here’s one final suggestion:  begin using your middle name. “Shawn Ann” or “Leslie Marie” might seem longish, but it will go a long way towards cluing people in to your gender.  Another twist on this is to have your signature line say “Ms. ____” instead of just your name.

Readers, how do you think reader M should deal with her gender neutral name problem?

Update: There’s an interesting debate going on in the comments about Miss, Mrs., and Ms.  For my $.02:  Even now that I’m married, if this were my situation (where you want to clarify something right off the bat), I might ask my secretary to say “Miss Griffin’s Office” because “Miss” is the crispest and clearest over the phone – particularly if you’re dealing with secretary who may have an accent.  No one will mistake “Miss” for “Mr.,” but not a lot of people will necessarily read “Oooh, single lady” into it either.  That said, I would use “Ms.” in every other instance in the working world. (And hey, maybe I’m weird, but yes, I would take offense if someone called me “Mrs. Griffin” in a business context, unless I were very recently married.)

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Perfume at the Office – Yay or Nay?

by Kat on 12/09/2010 · 180 comments

in Beauty, Being Girly, Business Etiquette, Fashion, Fashion Gaffes, Professionalism

CHANEL COCO PARFUMI know readers have discussed this a bunch in the comments, but I don’t think we’ve ever had a full post on it. Reader S’s question is about perfume:

I take a lot of care in selecting my clothing/hairstyle/makeup, and making sure that they are office appropriate. Are there rules about office-appropriate perfume as well?

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I believe the common wisdom among the commenters is that perfume should not be worn at the office. I might caveat that a bit: coworkers should not be able to smell your perfume on you unless they are, for some reason, very very very close to you.  None of this “you enter a conference room and everyone smells you before they see you,” or “the two other people on the elevator sneezed when you got on.”

Personally, at the moment, I don’t wear much perfume — I got out of the habit a few summers ago when, in my old apartment, I would wake up every day with one or two new mosquito bites, and my husband never got bit.  I suspected it had something to do with my perfume, so I stopped wearing it. (And still got bit.  We were glad to move, to say the least!)  Now I mostly wear them on the weekend, and even then only if I think about it, although I still travel with my favorite solid perfume. (I’ve posted my year-round favorite above: CHANEL COCO EAU DE PARFUM CLASSIC BOTTLE SPRAY, available at Nordstrom for $115, but I also used to also love wearing some men’s colognes — Acqua Di Parma Colonia Assoluta in the summer, Original Vetiver Cologne by Creed Eau De Parfums in the winter.  (Yeah: I obviously have a perfume “personality” of spicy/exotic or whatnot.))

Let’s take a poll, though:

 

poll by twiigs.com

If you do want to wear perfume, though, some tips:

  • Buy the most concentrated version of the stuff — usually parfum, not “eau de toilette.”  The less concentrated the perfume is, the faster it wears off (and the more it smells of alcohol) — which may make some ladies think they need to wear a TON of it to make it last.
  • Apply it judiciously — for the office, I would advise to not apply directly to more than than one pulse point — do not add it to your wrists, your neck, the back of your knees and your cleavage all at the same time!  Lately, on the rare days that I do wear it to the office, I just spritz the air in front of me and “walk into it,” hoping it falls on enough of my hair and clothes to last the day.

Readers, what other tips do you have?  What is your favorite perfume, and how do you wear it, if at all, to the office?

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How to Negotiate Conversation Topics

by Kat on 10/07/2010 · 156 comments

in Being Girly, Business Etiquette, Career, CoWorker Problems, Lifestyle, Networking

conversating, originally uploaded to Flickr by alhadleyReader K has a question about conversations…

I am the newest associate in a department that is dominated by women. As someone who often laments the number of female partners and senior associates in private practice, I was initially thrilled by this fact. But my excitement turned to disappointment on the first day. At a department luncheon that was supposedly held in my honor (to welcome me to the team, etc.), the conversation consisted solely of weddings, babies and spouses. There was no discussion about work. I sat there feeling so out of place and unwelcome – as if being the only newbie isn’t awkward enough! Is it just me, or is this kind of behavior just a tad bit unprofessional? We are in the ‘burbs (the firm is in New Jersey) and there are hardly any single and/or childless people in the building, but I do not think that is an excuse. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can steer the conversation to a more neutral subject in the future while not alienating myself from my new colleagues?

I think everyone occasionally finds themselves in a conversation where they have nothing to contribute. Personally, I hate sports (and consider myself amazingly lucky to have married a man who also doesn’t like them) — but I’ve sat in so many office conversations about them that I’ve often wished I followed the games or had an interesting tidbit or two to pull out of my hat. Same with politics — I’m not a very political person, but I’ve sat at many a working lunch where that’s the primary topic before we get down to business. Yes, it stinks to sit there and not be able to contribute. And yes, some career advisers will tell you that, if you work with people who talk about these things often — politics, sports, Saturday Night Live, whatever — that you are well-advised to start following those topics if only so you can contribute to the workplace conversations. (For my own $.02, then, the weddings/babies/spouses conversation sounds like an absolutely welcome one — even if I weren’t married, I’ve a) been to weddings, b) have friends with kiddos, and c) am interested in getting to know about my colleagues’ lives and families.)  The fact is that not every workplace conversation is going to be about work. (Pictured: conversating, originally uploaded to Flickr by alhadley.)

If you find yourself in this kind of “I have no idea what they’re talking about” conversation, however, you can do a few things:

a) be interested — a friend reminded me of this old piece of advice: you’re interesting if you’re interested. So true! Ask questions! Get to know the person who started the conversation in the first place.  If they’re talking about their family, ask questions about the family members.  If it’s about politics, ask why they like person X so much.  Although they say there are no “dumb” questions, and I would posit that isn’t entirely true in this kind of conversation — e.g., I would avoid saying something like “so there’s a QUARTERBACK? What does he do, like, kick the ball?”  At the very least, by asking questions you look engaged in the conversation and interested in your fellow workers — and you may get the chance to steer the conversation elsewhere.  Which leads to Point B…

b) follow the conversation down a side street — where it’s still related to the main conversation, but is a more interesting conversation to you. For example (and this is entirely personal), today people might be talking about how a sports columnist’s Tweet broke news of a sports trade.  If I were to find myself in a conversation about that, you can bet I’d try to move the conversation away from sports and onto Twitter as a platform/business model/etc, or onto the area of news scoops in general, because I’m more interested in what people think about the latter two topics.

c) change the topic entirely. Safe topics tend to be things like restaurants, weather, and travel — and if there’s a lull in a conversation at a table it’s a great way to learn more about people by asking “So, has anyone been on any amazing vacations lately?” Or — for the newbie in the group — ask what the decent lunch spots are near the office.

Of course, if you’re at a cocktail party and free to move about, you can always just leave a conversation.

Readers, what are your best tips for awkward conversations?

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Sexism and the Client

by Kat on 06/23/2010 · 208 comments

in Being Girly, Business Etiquette, Career, CoWorker Problems, Love, Networking, Professionalism

We got a fascinating reader email from an eighth year attorney on the partnership track…

I am actively trying to build my client base, including going to lunches with local CEOs of start-up companies, etc. Today I went on a lunch with a 50ish CEO that I met at a seminar my firm hosted. During this lunch meeting at a local restaurant, he proceeded to make a comment about how attractive I was five different times during an hour long conversation. Whenever he would do it, I would just quickly move on to another topic and not acknowledge the statement. By the time I got back to the office, I was livid. I can’t imagine any of my male colleagues having to experience a situation even remotely similar to this. Here, I am trying to build a client base for myself and my firm and in doing so, I’m reminded that I’m looked at as an attractive women first and a lawyer second. Any thoughts/comments on how I can deal with this issue in the future? Thanks in advance!

Eeeeesh. We’ll say it again: eeesh.  We’re curious to hear what the readers are going to have to say about this one.  (Pictured:  probably what your would-be client is hoping you’ll say…) First, we would say that you have two goals at these kinds of meetings. The first goal: get the guy as a client. The second goal: not ruin your relationship with whoever introduced you to this guy. And it’s okay if you decide halfway through lunch that you do not WANT to work with this guy, and just want to get out of there without dropkicking him.  After all, the kind of politeness and interest you might show to a potential client will not be the same you show to “business acquaintance of a friend.” For example, after about the third time he mentioned that you were attractive, we might say something very calm such as, “let’s stick to the topic, please.” If he still persisted, we’d lean back and start to show disinterest, or use a break in the conversation to perhaps say something like, “Oh, this reminds me of the time __” and rattle off a few of your professional accomplishments.  After about the fifth time, we might invent an emergency (preferably one showing how desperately you’re needed at the office by another client) to get the heck out of there.  You have to know your own tolerance for these kinds of jerks, and how much aggravation you’re willing to put up with for a potential client.

That said, you should be very mindful of your body language and other triggers that might send someone the wrong idea that it’s a date. For example, be very clear with him at the start of it about why you’re at lunch.  Second, there can be overlap between “I’m a professional who’s interested” body language and “I’m a woman who’s interested” body language, such as leaning forward to show interest. For women who are interested in flirting, there are a number of other things to do to convey interest — touching your hair and body, mimicking his behavior (to suggest that you’re on the same wavelength), turning your body towards his, exposing your wrists — try to gauge yourself for how many of these things you’re doing unconsciously, because you could be sending out “I’m flirting” signals without even realizing it.

Readers, what are your tips for dealing with this kind of situation?

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