CoWorker Problems

Under Pressure: Charitable Giving at the Office

by Kat on 12/13/2011 · 108 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Holidays, Money

Reader D wonders charitable giving at the office:

Around this time every year, non-profits make a big fundraising push. Do you (and your readers) think it’s appropriate for employees to solicit donations from other employees for non-profits they support? Relatedly, I have found that in many offices, there is some pressure to donate to causes or nonprofits that the company supports. While the causes may be worthy, compelled charitable giving is a little uncomfortable. Any thoughts on how to gracefully decline donating to the firm’s non-profit(s) of choice?

Yeouch. This should be an interesting thread. For my own $.02, I think the senior people should really do their best to “protect” the office from this kind of compulsion (including employees pressuring employees). Anything beyond a sign-up sheet for Girl Scout cookies posted discreetly in someone’s office or in a communal place — or a single email about how X is running Y race, and won’t you consider donating — is, to my mind, pushy, annoying, and unprofessional. Of course, half the time the pressure is coming from the higher-ups — I have one girlfriend whose boss puts tangible pressure on everyone to give lots of money to the charity for which he sits on the board. Classy! (Pictured: Pressure Gauge, originally uploaded to Flickr by wwarby.)

In terms of deflecting such requests… I think this comes back to “know your own office.” For some offices, the culture there may be where everyone gives to everyone else’s causes, but it’s some nominal amount. Other times (like my poor girlfriend) you may just have to view the charity push from the boss as a “tax” on working there, and keep that in mind when considering other job opportunities. If there is no office culture associated with giving, though, and it’s one person making strident efforts to get you to donate, I would be polite but firm: “Thanks, but I already gave at __.” or even just “Thanks, but I can’t contribute right now.” And change the subject. Don’t ask for more information, don’t challenge the worth of the charity… just don’t let him or her continue the sale tactic.

On the other hand, if this is a colder sell — i.e., the pressure is coming from someone you don’t see regularly or have to work with — an easy way to deflect most requests for charity is to say that you only give to charities after you’ve studied their audited annual returns (and that you prefer to give directly to the charity rather than the local branch).

Readers, how do you deal with charitable giving in the office?

{ 108 comments }

What To Do When You Make More Than Your Colleague (And He Knows It)

by Kat on 12/01/2011 · 110 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Money, Professionalism, Transitions

Reader G wonders how to deal with a coworker who has become angry and nasty after discovering a salary difference…

After months of looking for a job and interviews, I finally found another job as an attorney at a small firm. Previously I had worked in another small law firm where I gained substantial litigation experience. On my first day at the new firm I learned that the firm had hired another associate who graduated the same year as myself. I learned that this associate had less substantive experience than me, was making less than me (he asked for less during interviews) and his billing requirement is less than mine. Once he learned that I made more, billed more and was treated as a more “senior” attorney this associate began making disparaging statements to me, where on several occasions the associate has mentioned that it is ridiculous that I am making more than him etc and the firm’s decision makes no sense. This associate also attempts to undermine my opinion and knowledge in every chance he gets. It has become very unpleasant and he reminds me of the super-competitive people in law school who just did not know how to have a normal conversation. Every time I try to work with him on a project, he uses it as a way to tell me that he is smarter and more knowledgeable than me.

I know I should not let his issues bother me, and I am very confident in my work. However I think I need to address this with him somehow. Do you have any advice on what to say to him exactly? I don’t want to create a hostile environment since this is a small firm, but I cannot let this continue any further.

I’m afraid you’ve discovered one of the cardinal rules of life: DO NOT TALK ABOUT MONEY. True, some firms are lockstep, and there is a sort of freedom when everyone knows what everyone’s making. But every other job in the world? Make like The Go-Go’s and keep your lips sealed. (Pictured above: Old Coins, originally uploaded to Flickr by underactive.)

Now that the cat’s out of the bag, though, I think you’ve got a few options.

1) Distance yourself / lay low until this blows over. Avoid working with him where you can, avoid talking to him at coffee breaks, et cetera. Be friendly, but stay away as much as possible.

2) Pick your battles — and know how to fight them. For example: if you have to work with him and he makes repeatedly snide comments to you (and only you), just let those go. Maybe arch an eyebrow or give him a pained expression, but for the most part, let him boast all he wants to in private. On the other hand, if he questions your work product in front of your boss or client, you need to shut him down very quickly — and the best way to do that is by knowing your work product inside and out so you can defend it adequately (and, if this makes sense, as casually as possible: defend your work without getting defensive). Ultimately, he looks bad in doing this, and you want to make sure that you correct any misconception he might create while also staying “above it” — the last thing you want to do is look like two squabbling children. I would also suggest you keep your guard raised. For example, if you’re both working on the same project, make sure that you’re CC:ed on everything and invited to every meeting he is.

3) Talk to HR or your boss. Let them know why the working relationship is strained, and ask them for advice on how you should handle the situation.

4) Talk to him. This guy does not sound like the kind who can be reasoned with, but if you want to try: put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel? What would dull your anger? Whether it’s looking for a new job, asking for more money at review time, or just enjoying the smaller billable hour requirement, perhaps you can give him helpful suggestions or at least some sympathy.

Readers, how have you handled awkward work situations like this — particularly when a salary disparity has been discovered?

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How to Discourage Chatty Coworkers

by Kat on 11/15/2011 · 134 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Professionalism

Reader J wonders how to discourage a chatty coworker…

I just started as a law clerk at a state appellate court in September 2011 and work with two other lovely clerks, both of whom have been with the Judge for at least a year. One of my co-clerks is very nice, but I sense that she is sort of a lonely person outside of work, and as a result, takes many opportunities to chat with me for long periods of time. She will stop in my doorway or plop down in a chair in my office and talk for 30-45 minutes, sometimes even more than once a day. This doesn’t affect her getting her work done, because she frequently takes work home with her and comes in on the weekends. However, I like to work hard during the day and leave my work at the office. I haven’t been at my job very long and still feel like I need to prove my worth to my Judge–I would like to make this a 2-3 year clerkship. I’m worried he will hear and see us chatting and think that I’m not a hard worker. Without being rude, is there anything I can do to make sure her chat sessions don’t go on so long?

This is a great question. I used to work with a girl who would “drop by” my office and stand in the doorway, chatting about everything from her boyfriend troubles to her work questions to her shopping adventures. I remember sitting there feeling completely trapped and seeing the day (and work) stretch out before me the more she yammered on. I’ve had a lot of chatty coworkers through the years, but this situation was the worst because I genuinely liked her and wanted to hear everything she was saying — just not right then. Some of my top tricks for getting your work time and your gossip time better synchronized:

“Book” time with her later to show she’s important to you. “I have so much work to do, but I really want to hear what you’re saying! Let’s [insert fun activity here -- get a drink, get a manicure, go for a walk] at 5:00 today, ok?” This will sometimes work, but what may happen is she’ll say, “Oh sure, that sounds like fun! Like I was saying…” and continue on.
Get her out of your space. Print a document to the communal printer, grab your wallet and make her run an errand with you — whatever works for you. Just don’t bring her back to your office. Stand in the hallway, or outside the ladies’ room, or in the elevator banks, until she accepts the fact that you can’t listen to her talk any more.
Be stern. This is another option, and one that I have used a few times when there was a guy at the office who seemed to have a crush on me. (I might also use it if I really disliked the coworker.) Here’s what you do: don’t smile. Don’t raise your voice — instead, lower it so you’re speaking more quietly. Continue what you’re doing — if you’re writing, keep your pen in your hand, or your face half-turned to your computer. Say clearly, slowly, and quietly, “I’m really busy right now and don’t have time to talk to you. Sorry about that.” And then turn back to what you’re doing. It may take a few visits of complete non-friendliness for the coworker to get the picture, but they will eventually.

Readers, what are your thoughts? How do you discourage chatty coworkers?

(Pictured: Speech Bubble, originally uploaded to Flickr by illustir.)

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How to Get Rid of Old Nicknames

by Kat on 10/27/2011 · 84 comments

in CoWorker Problems, Names

If you have an old nickname, how do you get coworkers to stop using it? Reader B wonders about just this problem…

I am interested in advice regarding nicknames in the office. I started working in my office straight out of college at around 22. I was a very young looking 22 year old with a positive and eager personality. I became a quick favorite in the office since the next youngest was late 30′s and they gave me a pet nick name as a term of endearment. At the time I was really flattered since VP’s and Sr. level C-suite management referred me to this and I felt on the same level as Madonna since just my initials stood for me, I didn’t even need a first or last name, everyone knew it was me.

Time has gone by and now I am in my mid-30′s and I find it cringing to hear, being introduced as, etc. I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive, but I just don’t care for it and would like to be addressed as my first name. I sign all my emails with my first name and introduce myself to people with my first name, but when someone comes around and calls me my nick name, the new people grab on to it. Any advice on how to turn something like this around?

Ah, nicknames. This can be a tricky situation, as people who knew you under one name have a problem thinking of you in any other way. Some ideas (beyond listening to The Ting Tings):

- Talk to people about it. This will be easiest with the people you’re closest to — let them know that it seriously bothers you. Ask them to help you lead the charge in changing your nickname around the company. They can stop introducing you to people as the nickname, and hopefully even start using your given name. I have one friend who did this (she wanted to stop using the “ee” ending on her nickname and go by her full name instead) — it’s a struggle, but I hope I’ve managed to make the switch!

- When you are being introduced in a group setting, don’t let them use your nickname. If someone uses it, gently correct them: “Actually, I go by ___ professionally now.” That way you stop it from being passed on, and inform your older coworker that your nickname is no longer the name you’d like to be called.

- Finally, it sounds like you’ve already done this, but I’ll say it anyway: stop using the nickname yourself. Remove it from your email signature, your voicemail, your business cards, and so forth. Furthermore, refer to yourself in the third person as often as possible, particularly when telling stories. “And then my husband said ____, let’s DO this,” or “I said to myself, ____, you cannot forget the beef!”

Readers, what are your tips for getting rid of an old nickname?

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Oink Oink: When You Work with Sexist Pigs

by Kat on 10/25/2011 · 146 comments

in CoWorker Problems, Networking, Professionalism, Sexism

How DO you deal with misogyny in the workplace? Reader J writes about a less than stellar lunch with male coworkers…

My current workplace is relatively gender-balanced, and after a year of working here I haven’t really encountered any overt sexism. However, at a colleague’s small farewell lunch two weeks ago where I was just one of two women, I was unpleasantly surprised. Most of the men (five out of six) started discussing which women in the sales department they’d like to sleep with, joking about planting webcams in the women’s bathroom, responding to advice I suggested about a software problem with “Oh, but you’re a woman, so you don’t know anything about computers, am I right?” (It is a software I use daily and most of them use once or twice every two weeks.) It was a very unpleasant lunch, and I came away with the perception this was par for the course for my co-workers, as they didn’t indicate their conversation was in any way unusual.

I have had similar experiences at a previous workplace where I did an internship.

I am looking to leave my current company for unrelated reasons (there is an iron ceiling into management, and it’s not likely I’ll be able to move up unless someone dies or is fired). As I work in a fairly male-dominated sector I’m worried I will run into this more frequently at my next places of work and as I move up the career ladder.

What is the best way to respond to casual workplace sexism like this? I don’t think running to HR would be very effective, especially when it is so endemic – but I also don’t want to ‘grin and bear it’ and give the impression I approve or think it’s funny.

This is such a great, great question, and I can’t wait to see what the readers say. First, let me just say that this doesn’t sound so “casual” to me — the fact that these men were making these comments knowingly in your presence is shocking, and says a lot about the power dynamics at that lunch and in your sector. I’m also going to assume that everyone at this lunch was, more or less, on the same “level,” and no supervisor was present. So how DO you handle such sexism in the actual moment? (Pictured above: Pigs, originally uploaded to Flickr by andjohan.)

Gently let them know that what they’re saying is sexist, misogynistic, and inappropriate. Look at this as an opportunity to educate these poor, sad men that, in actuality, they’re speaking like pigs. Then, change the conversation. I’m sure that they’re all good-hearted saints beneath it all (of course!) and they have no idea that they’re a huge lawsuit waiting to happen. It could be as simple as “And in non-misogynistic news, how’s Project ___ going? I heard they were adding two new people to the team.” (or as direct as “Wow, guys, way to be sexist pigs.”) The key is thus: Don’t get offended or get a chip on your shoulder, but let them know they’re being inappropriate and move on.
Get offended. I wouldn’t advise this, but you could get in a huff and really tell these men off. They will undoubtedly call you overly sensitive, perhaps say that you’re on your period, and ultimately call you a Bitch. (And, do note: It isn’t a bad thing to be a Bitch — I know a lot of women who pride themselves on being one, sometimes including me — but it does limit the way you’ll be interacting with these gents in the future.)
Get away. You don’t have to sit there and listen to it — leave the conversation. This can be tricky when there’s no one else to talk to.
Grin and bear it. Don’t beat yourself up too much if this is ultimately what you end up doing — it can be really hard to summon the courage to say something, even in a joking manner, when you’re being smacked in the face with the fact that you have no power. But: don’t forget. These men are not your friends, they are not your allies — they’re pigs. Maintain a good working relationship with them so you can get what you need from them, and move on at the end of the day.

(If you were the supervisor, don’t hesitate to tell these jerks that they’re being inappropriate. You’re supervising! If there was a supervisor present during this lunch, I would have made direct eye contact with him to try to communicate wordlessly my lack of amusement. Afterwards, I would have spoken to him, and no matter what I would start making a record of exactly what he said at the lunch and in response to your complaint.) Beyond the actual moment, your options get wider.

a) Talk to HR. I wouldn’t advise this, and you say you’re not inclined to do this, but I thought I’d mention it anyway.

b) Talk to an employment lawyer. You may already have a case for a hostile workplace (I’m just not up on the law enough to know), but I’m not sure I would advise this either, at least at this point — being a plaintiff in a law suit of this kind is unlikely to win you any friends, and will probably affect future job prospects. But start keeping notes of what was said, and when (including saving any emails or voicemails that are misogynistic). There may come a time, either when you’ve been passed over for a promotion or just when You Can’t Take It Anymore, that you want to bring suit.

c) Start a networking/support group for women in your niche area. (I’m assuming one doesn’t already exist; if one does, join it!) Whether it’s company-wide or city-wide, this is the perfect kind of impetus to create a networking group for women in your niche area. All it takes is one or two women at different companies to get the ball rolling; you could even reach out to your alumni groups to see if other women are working locally. This has a few advantages:

- You actually get encouragement and support from your female peers, and perhaps your group can even brainstorm for how to actually change things in the industry (or at least in your area). At the very least you can educate other women that these kinds of comments are not acceptable, which in and of itself might change things.

- Whether it’s a company-wide or area-wide network, you’ll be better tapped in to new job opportunities (one hopes) than your male colleagues.

- As the founder, you’ll get some exposure and notoriety — everyone in the area will know your name, and it’ll look great on your resume. People may even start coming to you to say “we have X job open, do you know anyone who might be looking?”

I would send out a few casual emails to see if other women in the area want to get together for drinks. I’d avoid making the initial email a “call to action” or complaining in any way about your experience — but rather just putting the feeler out to see if people want to get together. If other people have had similar experiences (and I’m sure they have) then your email will be welcome.

d) Leave the company. Ultimately, I think you’re on the right track by getting out of the company — this misogyny is absolutely something that should be mentioned at your exit interview, and I might even go so far as to write a letter to them so that any woman in the future (who might, say, bring suit) has evidence that the higher ups knew of the problem.

All right, readers, let’s hear it — how would you handle this kind of situation, both in the moment and down the line?

{ 146 comments }

Traveling With Your Coworkers

by GuestPoster on 10/18/2011 · 109 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Professionalism, Travel

Traveling with your boss and coworkers can be surprisingly difficult — the first time I took a flight with my boss I remember wondering how I should dress, whether I should “visit” her during the flight to check in/chat, and more. Thankfully, Road Warriorette has some great suggestions for how to travel with your coworkers (and you can check out her earlier post on what to pack for business travel). I’m thrilled to have her back! – Kat. (Pictured: Carry-on., originally uploaded to Flickr by _Fidelio_.)

Business travel is something so many of us do all the time, but even after several years’ experience can still be tricky. Add another person to the mix, and things can definitely get interesting. Sometimes traveling with a coworker can make an otherwise monotonous trip fun. On the other hand, it can also make an otherwise productive trip really, really awful. In my years of travel I have experienced both of these scenarios. Below are all issues that I have personally experienced, but unfortunately there are many other potential problems. A few tips for minimizing the things that could go wrong:

Be prepared. For most trips, plan on carrying on instead of checking your bag. If it’s a longer trip, check with your traveling companions to see if they are checking, because you don’t want to be the one that everyone is waiting for! Also, know your itinerary and necessary addresses when you arrive. The goal is to be competent and easy to travel with, not high maintenance.
Don’t overindulge. Winding down at the end of a long day with a glass (or two, or three…) of wine can be fun. But don’t get sloppy. It is so not impressive to see a coworker throw up in the back of a cab, with the division director looking on. Four years later, we are still talking about that one. It doesn’t look good (understatement), can lead to a multitude of problems and causes the next day to be really painful. Plus you will be more likely to share too much personal information if you drink too much. Which leads us to…..
Avoid oversharing. Traveling with someone creates a sense of intimacy. Working together, flying together, and eating meals together can foster a sense of closeness that may not hold up once you’re back in the office. Remember, the person you are traveling with is still a co-worker. Just because you are with them for three days solid doesn’t mean they need to know that you and your spouse are trying to have a baby, or that your husband cheated on you, or that you’re looking for another job.
Maintain boundaries. During a trip this year, my coworker got a little drunk and told me long stories about marital troubles, going on in excruciating detail for a while. It was kind of awkward for me, to say the least. When you are the recipient of oversharing, exiting gracefully can be a challenge. If it seems like things may be getting too personal, try to steer the conversation back to neutral territory, and wrap up as quickly as you can.
Get your work done. Just because someone is traveling with you doesn’t mean work obligations go away. You still need to check email, finish documents, and prepare for the next day. Make sure you’re not sacrificing work (or sleep!) for socializing.
Avoid romantic entanglements. I would hope this would go without saying, but just in case. Please, please do not get physically or romantically involved with a coworker on a business trip. Especially your boss.

Things can be even dicier when it’s not just a coworker, but your boss that’s your traveling companion. If you are traveling with a superior, you have to be on your best, and most competent, behavior. You want to come across as low maintenance as possible, and this can extend from your suitcase to your clothes to your dinner orders (remember When Harry Met Sally? Don’t be Sally!!). The above tips are even more important in this situation, and here are a few additional tips to look calm, collected, and like you know what you’re doing.

Be competent! This touches everything you do, starting with your suitcase. Know the airline’s guidelines so that if you are carrying on, your bag is within the correct size requirements. Also, make sure you can lift it into the overhead bin without throwing out your back or making weird noises. I recommend a simple, solid colored, neutral suitcase. Black is great, but blue, gray, brown, and red should also work. Although I love my bright pink suitcase, I try to channel Elle Woods only on personal trips.
Be productive. While on the plane with your superior, working is never a bad thing. If that’s not an option, look at a magazine that you could show your grandparents: Real Simple, In Style, something in that vein. (Not People or Us Weekly, please! Unless you’re sure that your boss shares your obsession with Brangelina.) Another option is to read a book. You don’t have to try to come across as a pseudo-intellectual, but please don’t read anything that looks like a trashy romance or something called “How to Get Your Boss’s Job.” This is a great excuse to finally get a Kindle! No one knows what you’re reading.
Know where you’re going. When you arrive, make sure you know where you are going and have a plan for getting there. You don’t necessarily need to do anything above and beyond what you would do when traveling alone. Just make sure, for example, you know the address of the office, what car rental company you are using, and the general location of your hotel. Long ago, I was traveling with a coworker and I couldn’t remember the name of my hotel, I just knew it was some kind of Marriott. I had to call all over the city to find my reservation (because I didn’t have access to my Rewards number or my confirmation code), and then it turned out my hotel was literally on the airport property. Way to look competent!!
Look professional. During any downtime that you spend with your boss, wear something comfortable but cute and well put together. It’s pretty unlikely you’ll have to wear a suit to dinner (unless of course you’re going straight from the office), so maybe a pair of slacks or dark jeans, a nice top, and cute shoes. Don’t wear anything that would make someone think you are going to a bar: nothing revealing, no too-tall shoes, etc.

The goal is to exude confidence and competence at all times. I know it doesn’t seem fair that someone could be judging you during “off” times, but that won’t stop them from subconsciously doing it. If a behavior could even remotely be considered questionable, don’t do it. But this is a time that you can show how skilled you are in areas your boss doesn’t usually get to see–so take advantage!

Readers, any tips to add? What are your crazy coworker travel stories?

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