Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Dalesana Sheath Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Dalesana Sheath Dress for officeHappy New Year again, guys! This teal sheath dress from Boss looks fabulous — I love the sleeves, the notched round neck, and the sedate but interesting color. It’s $595 at Bloomingdale’s, where (through 1/3) they have a “buy more save more” promotion that would let you take $25 off $150+, $75 off $350+, and $150 off if you spend $500 or more. This dress IS part of the promotion (huzzah), so the regular $595 price would come down to $445 if you buy today. Dalesana Sheath Dress

Looking for similar options? This more affordable teal sheath dress is available in a few lucky sizes at Ann Taylor (other colors have more sizes), and this plus size dress at Zappos is somewhat similar.

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Comments

  1. Amelia Bedelia :

    best place to get eyebrows threaded in DC? I work on K Street, but am willing to metro/walk a bit of a distance.
    also, is threading mustaches a thing? I’ve decided I must address mine, but really don’t want to wax. Hello, middle-age!

    • Anonymous :

      I’d consider mini razors for facial hair, specifically the Sephora Eyebrow Touch Up Razor Set. I can’t comment on threading as I’ve never done it!

    • Anonymous :

      It is totally a thing. My threading place will do brows, moustache, or full face. Some women like to remove peach fuzz along the hairline or jaw.

    • Triangle Pose :

      Yes it is! I high prefer threading to wax. I know everyone on here likes those tinkle razors but I prefer threading to using a razor on my face. I routinely get brows, upper lip, sides of my face and forehead/hairline threaded. I find it makes my face so much smoother and my primer and all of my makeup sits better. Totally worth it.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I am a huge proponent of laser hair removal. Shut that ish down for good.

      • Triangle Pose – how do you instruct/get your hairline threaded? I’ve always wanted to do mine, my hairline is so wonky, but I don’t know how to say I want it – do the people who thread it just “know”? and if you go anywhere in the DC area for that, i’d love to hear where!

        I’ve gone to Dupont Threading but the one in Arlington Courthouse and have been happy with it, only done eyebrows.

        • Triangle Pose :

          Not in DC, can’t help there. Usually forehead/hairline is on the menu so you just ask for it. You can talk to your tech about it – if you want to keep the babyhair or widow’s peak if you have one and whether you want it to be more natural looking or tak everything off clean. If you’re nervous just explain it is your first time so have the tech stop periodically and have you examine with a mirror. Usually “forehead” covers everything from top of brow to hairline. “Sides” gets everything from ear to cheek down to jawline. Hope this helps!

    • jumpingjack :

      I’ve for years gone to Rani at Guven Salon in Glover Park. She’s great. She does brows, lip, chin, or full face.

    • I like Shobha, on M and Connecticut.

    • If you’re open to electrolysis for a permanent solution to upper lip hair, I HIGHLY recommend A Gentle Touch in Rockville. It’s not painless nor quick, but it’s permanent. Haven’t touched my upper lip in more than a decade!

    • I go to Dupont Threading at 18th and connecticut ave

    • The only place I will let touch my face is Hi Brow Eyebrow Bar in Falls Church/Baileys Crossroads — the owner is awesome and it’s only $8. That said it’s not convenient to Metro at all. I’ve had acceptable experiences at the threading place in Chinatown as well as Dupont Threading (I swear I’ve been everywhere in DC at this point.)

  2. Cold Shin Gap :

    Booties with pants– they only look right with cropped pants and a slight gap showing leg skin between the hem and the boot shaft, right?

    Is there another way to wear them with pants that doesn’t look awkward?

    • pugsnbourbon :

      I wear them with ankle pants, but they aren’t so short that you see much leg. I have also worn them with longer, trouser style pants and I think they look fine.

    • Anonymous :

      Yeah just put them on with pants. There doesn’t need to be a skin gap what are you talking about? Depending on the cut I tuck pants in or wear them over booties.

    • cat socks :

      When I wear booties with jeans, I like the hem to stop at the top of the shoe. I found my skinny jeans were actually a bit too long for this so I fold the hem underneath. I don’t like cuffing my jeans. I haven’t yet tried booties with straight or boot cut jeans, but in that instance I think the top of the pant would just come over the top of the shoe.

      I also wear booties with black dress pants like the Express Editor. In that case, I like the pant to cover the majority of the shoe and just skim the ground.

      I like the “perfect pant length” post on You Look Fab for various examples.

    • The gap is a summer look, and even then it does not look good/intentional on most women I see trying it. I go for no gap with ankle pants. This is winter. You have to find the bootie shaft height and pant length that works for your shape. Match your socks to your bootie or your pant, but I usually go for a monochromatic bootie+pant+sock.

      And I have heeled almond toe booties that I wear with flared work pants. I prefer ankle pants though.

      • So with ankle pants, you would tuck them into the boot shaft, right?

        Seems like maybe the shaft of the booties I have is just a little too wide for my ankles and that’s why it’s throwing me off.

        I’m far enough south that I don’t often get a lot of winter outfit inspiration in real life so thanks for the thoughts, everyone.

        • I wear full length pants in winter.

        • Ahhh… I understand your issue.

          I dislike booties with wide shafts. Not a great look if they gape at the ankle, in my opinion. I look for more form fitting bootie shafts, and combine them with a skinny pant that is not too tight at the ankle. Skinny/pencil pant – not a sausage pant. I even love the tiniest of flare at the bottom of the pant. The monochromatic look/sock hides the imperfections at the interface.

          I don’t tuck pants for work. But I do “tuck” skinny jeans (black) into a slightly wider bootie shaft in a somewhat casual/sloppy/unintentional way, or cuff them.

    • Clementine :

      Wear with boot cut or wide legged pants.

    • As the wind chill getting above freezing may not happen on any given day lately… I am NOT styling to show more skin of any kind than is absolutely necessary. Currently wearing dress pants that cover most of my booties.

    • I think it’s fine if you see a sock in the gap. I wear a nice wool patterned sock, not an athletic sock or what have you.

    • So in a not as cold climate, I think he skin thing is fine, found this article w cute winter looks that might help: http://witanddelight.com/2018/01/cold-outside-5-favorite-winter-coats/

  3. Anonymous :

    First day back at work. Exhausted because my body acclimated to sleeping in, its 9 degrees outside…and its 55 degrees in the office.

    Plus, a new attorney is starting today. What a way to make a first impression. Anyone else on the struggle bus?

    • Raises hand.

      Overslept, came in late, still struggling to “wake up.”

    • Amelia Bedelia :

      PREACH.
      already on my third cup of coffee and it Just.Is.Not.Working.

    • Me x100. I stood in the bathroom for 20 minutes this morning just trying to convince myself that yes, I really had to get dressed and go to work and no, it is not acceptable to show up in a bathrobe.

    • Me too! I am busy working, but it is chilley in the office today b/c it is VERY cold outside (less then 15 degrees), and I had to walk to work b/c Dad is on me again b/c of my tuchus. Dad also told me I should become more romanticaly active with men b/f I forget how to do so. FOOEY! Men just want to have me take my panties off, but are NOT interested in marrying me, so I say NO DICE to that.

      The manageing partner put a new Flat Screen TV into the conference room so that we can all watch TV in the morning when we have our coffee/donuts. Today, I saw Hoda Copy get Matt Lauer’s old job. I bet he was GREEN with envy, b/c she is in HIS chair! FOOEY on men that make us pull our panties down for them. See what it got him? He is NOT working and I sincereley doubt women are lining up any more to pull their panties down for him any more. I wonder if he tried to get Savanah to do that? FOOEY if he did b/c she is NOW a mom! YAY Savanah!

    • YES ME.

      Also everyone else on my 4-person team decided to work from home today. Thanks for the memo, ya’ll.

    • Me too. Also, just came home from visiting my MIL who gives everyone slight food poisoning. My paranoia has protected me, but not DH.

      • Elegant Giraffe :

        What does she do?? Like serve undercooked chicken?

        • Mostly she leaves stuff out of the fridge for too long; I think sometimes she cross-contaminates the veggies. I learned food safety cooking for immunocompromised folks, so I eat a lot of toast when I visit.

          • Flats Only :

            My MIL does this, plus tends to use a stick of butter where I would use two tablespoons of butter, so her cooking tastes great but is just unbelievably rich. We find that sometimes the excess richness disagrees with us since we’re not used to it.

          • A friend’s late MIL used to do that. They used to call it “ham flu”

      • Slight food poisoning? Yikes, that sounds like a story.

      • I feel you – I think my step-mother is a great cook, but my husband does not. He tends to feel a bit ill at the end of visits to them and I haven’t figured out how to manage it (other than making sure we’re out of the house during lunch and declaring the day after our return husband-day when we order Chinese food and watch silly movies). Let me know your tricks if you have any tricks.

        • Tips? Well, if you’re serious, I don’t know how many of these will apply to your situation, but:
          Like I said above, leftovers can be particularly hazardous, because often the bacteria grows over time after it cooks. I have volunteered to pack everything into the fridge, because that’s a chore almost nobody likes (except my own mom, who is tyrannical about organizing her own fridge). Since lots of people put out a smorgasbord of leftovers for lunch, we often avoid that by planning day trips into town.

          Also, under-cooked meat is probably not the culprit unless everyone is getting violently ill. More likely it’s condiments or sauces, so you’re better off if you claim you like your food very plain.

          And of course, there’s the classic, “you shouldn’t have to cook, let us take you out/order in,” which works especially well if there is a type of foof they enjoy but can’t cook.

          • Thanks! I think meal-avoidance is our big technique but avoiding condiments, etc may help alot!

    • Same. The only good thing is that tons of people were out of the office last week so I don’t have a bunch of stuff to follow up on this week. Some people are still out today so it’s been kind of quiet.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Me! I’m so not a morning person and had blood work at 6:50 AM! I was so worried about forgetting the appointment that I slept like crap last night waking up almost hourly to check the clock.

    • Totally on the bus with ya. It’s days like this when I question our capitalist system of working for a living. Sleep and pjs and puppies FTW.

      • Unfortunately the alternative is usually subsistence living, which would involve getting up even earlier and no vacations to speak of.

        • Yes, absolutely. My sarcasm did not come through!

        • Minallmine :

          Actually, no – pre-agrarian hunter gatherers worked a lot less and work was a lot more social and playful. Psychology Today has an interesting article on it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/200907/play-makes-us-human-v-why-hunter-gatherers-work-is-play

          • I’ve read about that as well. But I was thinking subsistence farming, which is what we were doing most recently. Maybe even that was a mistake!

    • Me too. I take a week off and come back to a computer with all MS Office programs gone. Just gone. WTF? I’ve been on hold with the help desk for a half hour. Also, I was logged off my VoIP phone and had to remember how to log back in. I’m ready to go home now.

    • Yep, I had to add washer fluid to my car in 11 degree weather and it’s still not spraying? Maybe nozzles are frozen? Maybe I overfilled it and it will freeze and crack? Had to drop off a lunch at school for a kid who forgot too. Hoping that’s the worst for the day.

      • Nozzles are probably frozen. Clear away all ice that you can with your hands then try pouring a small amount of antifreeze on the nozzles. The antifreeze has a much lower freezing point than water and will melt the ice that is in the nozzles. It may take a few test squirts to really clear things out. Good luck!

      • I just learned (the hard way) that you’re supposed to use the purple washer fluid if it’s really cold, not the blue one (even if the blue one says “de-icer”).

        • ha and I just filled it to the tippy top with the blue one.

          • My husband had to use my hairdryer on the nozzles this weekend

          • Another great idea.

          • I just have a defreeze spray all-year-round in the car trunk. Saved my life once, when it was freezing so much that the windshield was freezing while driving on highway despite defrost washer. Few spritzes of this stuff and my windows were clear for 200km

    • CherryScary :

      Woke up in a 60-degree apartment (our thermostat doesn’t maintain the heat, we have to manually turn it back on) and a dead car battery. Fortunately, my husband works at the same company as me, so we just took his car, but that will have to be dealt with after work.

      And yes, we’ve told our landlords. The maintenance guy just replaces the thermostat and doesn’t actually fix the problem.

    • Oh, I’m working from home today/calling in sick (my laptop is on and I’m monitoring emails, but not much is actually going to get done) on account of a reboot of the cold I had BEFORE Christmas. It’s exhausting to do anything but sit on my couch – and that’s how I got to spend the last 5 days of my holiday vacation.

      And the fact that its -1F out (feels-like temp of -19F) with a high of 11F today.

      2018 is not starting well.

      • Hi, you are not alone! I missed two days mid-December with this cold and then it re-infected me on Boxing Day. I didn’t leave the house or put on pants between Christmas Eve and the 29th. The -35C (feels like -45) didn’t help. I came to work today (late) where I’m drinking a lot of tea and subsisting on lozenges in the quiet of my office. We’re up to -9C (16F) today, so at least it didn’t hurt to breathe when I came to work.

        For me, the new year isn’t officially here until after Little/Old/Orthodox Christmas, so I have high hopes for clear lungs and slightly warmer weather.

        • Gail the Goldfish :

          I had to google the conversion to farenheit from -35C, but it really didn’t make it sound any warmer. Where do you live so I can make a mental note to never visit in winter?

          • Canadian prairies. On Christmas day, we were colder than the North Pole, Antarctica and Mars.

            Seriously rethinking my life choices. Don’t come here in the winter!

          • Trefoil – my grandma lives slightly south of you (NE Montana) and had similar frigid temps. Part of the reason I couldn’t complain about our (comparatively) warmer temps in Minnesota. While everyone complains here, I get to explain that I moved south to get to Minneapolis.

            Sigh – usually the deep freeze waits until January. Stay warm. Don’t forget to plug in your car!

        • Colder than Mars?!?! That is incredible!

    • Hola, I am here too. The right side of my back randomly seized up while I was on the couch last night and I am still in pain and contorted. Fun times!

    • My son and husband both caught a miserable cold 3 days before Christmas. I thought I had escaped the misery, until I came down with it 3 days before New Year’s Eve. I’m not that sick today but feel like a snot fountain. Thankfully I have my own office and no one else has to listen to me blow my nose 5 times in 10 minutes. So yes, I am right there with you on the struggle bus.

    • So with you on the struggle bus. Overslept, then got to work (still before most) and dealing with an angry, incorrect, closed ears, condescending boss. Oh and a college intern who repeatedly ignores me (and other women) but hangs on every word of a man below me on the hierarchy.

    • i’m in the minority, but i had a small mole on my chin removed by a derm and it worked perfectly. No scarring and it didn’t grow back. It was pretty small and flat, though, so that may be why.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Hello, I am on that bus too! I was so delightfully unplugged for a week and now I’m looking at this mass of mail (can we go fully paperless soon, world?) on my desk, and regretting my “clean desk every night” resolution. Sigh.

    • My ex bf broke up with me about two weeks ago. Even though I knew we were having problems, I was devestated. I was feeling better, had a great New Year’s Eve and woke up to his text message yesterday turning me back into an emotional wreck.

  4. Anonymous :

    I’d like to get a mole removed for cosmetic reasons. What’s the best type of professional for this? It seems like derm and primary care physicians are popular. (In DC area if anyone has experience here.)

    • Not in DC, but my dermatologist has done several mole removals for me, a few for cosmetic reasons. I’d probably be more inclined to see a plastic surgeon if it was a removal on my face.

    • Anonymous :

      I’d ask my PCP if she could do it, and if not, then try my derm. Is it purely cosmetic? If its changed shape, that may be suspicious enough to make it required. My mom’s derm removed a mole that had grown and biopsied it. It was benign, but insurance covered it.

    • Anonymous :

      A dermatologist. I would never ask a pcp to do this.

      • Anonymous :

        I’d do a derm, and maybe even a plastic surgeon if it’s really visible or potentially deep. Never a PCP if it’s visible.

        • Anonymous :

          I had a dermatologist do this once with terrible results. Had to get a plastic surgeon to fix it. If it’s in a prominent place on your face, I recommend plastic surgeon all the way. Otherwise, derm because it’s more likely to be covered by insurance.

          • Definitely get a plastic surgeon to do it if it’s on your face. I had a mole removed from my face as a teenager by a plastic surgeon and the scar is only visible if you look closely.

      • Never PCP.

        Consult with a dermatologist, and if in a prominent place, consider a plastic surgeon. But talk with derm first.

    • Elegant Giraffe :

      I’ve had several moles on my face removed – go with a plastic surgeon. I’ve had several moles elsewhere on my body removed, but I just use my dermatologist for those.

      • S in Chicago :

        I’d second the plastic surgeon rec if it’s your face. I had a derm remove two from my upper chest and lower chest and the scarring that resulted with both was AWFUL (and I don’t tend to scar). Important enough with your face to go with someone who is knowledgeable on the best cosmetic result.

    • Here’s my experience in case it helps –

      I had a mole removed by a derm once. It was mostly because it was a “loose” mole on my inner thigh and caused some discomfort when my thighs rubbed. The derm did a fine job of taking off the mole, but there is still discolouration where it was. Think it now looks more like a flat freckle. If it had been on my face I might have been disappointed with the result, but it served the function that I needed.

      I have never had a mole removed by a plastic surgeon but I did have one take a fatty deposit out from over my eyebrow once, and I was super pleased with the result. It’s completely gone with no trace.

    • I’d have a derm look at it but if it is in a very conspicuous place, consider plastic surgery. Derms generally remove moles that are problematic by shaving them off and then doing a biopsy. I have a had a few removed that way but in my cases the color often comes back – not something you’d necessarily want to happen on your face.

      Your derm should look at it to make sure it is is not suspicious or otherwise unhealthy, but if it needs careful removal I’d go to a plastic surgeon.

    • I’d go to a plastic surgeon- that removal tends to scar and if you’re doing it for cosmetic reasons you’ll want someone skilled in cosmetic surgery.

      • Senior Attorney :

        This. My husband has a huge scar on his back from a mole removal by a derm. Now granted the derm probably wasn’t trying to do an aesthetically pleasing job, but still… it’s a huge scar. Plastic surgeon all the way. (Fun fact: Hubby has standing orders to demand a plastic surgeon to do the incision if I ever have to have emergency surgery…)

      • +2 for plastic surgeon

    • I’ve had several cosmetic moles removed. Some were done at a clinic that specializes in this sort of thing, and some at a dermatologist. The dermatologist did an excision which involved cutting out the mole. The clinic used liquid nitrogen I believe or something else that sort of “burned” the mole off. The clinic work healed a lot faster and left no scar. The derm’s work left a large scar that is as big as the original mole and still noticeable. That’s just been my experience.

    • I regret my derm-removes facial mole. I have a deep scar. I’d go to a plastic surgeon hands-down for a tubing on the face.

    • Thanks for taking the time to respond! For those curious, the removal wouldn’t be on my face, but it would be in a decently visible area.

    • My PCP has special training in mole removal and he still will not remove facial moles. He sends people to a dermatologist. So I would skip any interstitial steps and just call a derm.

    • I’ve had moles removed by a dermatologist and by a plastic surgeon. One that a derm removed on my arm has a noticeable scar and an indentation in my skin (because she basically cut out a chunk of my skin and left it like that), while the one on my face that a plastic surgeon removed (for cosmetic reasons), which was large and needed one stitch, looks great now. I’m very happy with how it turned out. I can’t see the (white) scar unless I look up-close in the mirror, and I’m sure other people don’t notice it. I’m so glad I didn’t have that one removed by a derm.

    • Anonymous :

      Go with a plastic surgeon. I had a dermatologist remove one from my upper arm and the scar looks like I was attacked by a bear.

  5. So I got an Instant Pot for the holidays and love it. Favorite recipes?
    I have the Melissa Clark Instant Pot book and everything in it has been delicious so far (esp. recommend the Chicken Pho), but looking for additional sources of inspiration. Foods that aren’t too heavy, preferably.

    • I am in love with this soup: https://twosleevers.com/indian-coconut-tomato-soup/

    • My reply with specific recipes is in moderation, but check out recipes from Skinnytaste, Pinch of Yum and Mel’s Kitchen Cafe.

    • Frozen chicken breasts, green salsa, 21 minutes on high pressure. Serve over rice.

      • A note: use the big jar of green salsa – you need 1 1/2 cups of liquid to pressure cook.

        • I do nom nom paleo’s kale recipe all the time and it only has 1/2 cup of liquid. I’m not sure the 1 1/2 cups of liquid applies universally.

          • Anonymous :

            I am pretty sure you need 8 oz (I may be wrong — maybe 6?) to come to pressure but may vary by size and also water content of ingredients.

    • I like the site Vegan Richa for dal recipes. The pressure cook function is great for any type of dried bean/lentil recipe, barring red lentils.

    • I like the vegan under pressure book, it has some good recipes but is also my cooking time bible for rices, grains, etc.

    • New Tampanian :

      ooooh… Following because I have the crock pot version coming to me today and I AM SO EXCITED!

    • Any soup you already like. Just check the cooking tables in the book it comes with and adjust time accordingly. I made black eyed peas in it last night using a homesick Texan recipe written for the stove. I just cooked them in the instant pot for 22 minutes instead of following her instructions.

      I do find the rice cooking tables waaaaaay off. The rice comes out mushy. I have found that with long grain brown rice: 1:1 rice to water ratio, soak for 10 minutes, cook under pressure for 15, 10 mins QR. The rice comes out perfectly to my taste this way. If I do 22 minutes like they recommend it’s a mushy unappetizing mess.

  6. cat socks :

    The following are from Skinnytaste:

    Unstuffed Cabbage Rolls
    Picadillo
    Baked Potato Soup – there’s cauliflower to lighten it up (the actual recipe is for the stovetop, but a commenter left Instant Pot instructions)

    I was recently skimming through Pinch of Yum and Mel’s Kitchen Cafe and saw some Instant Pot recipes, but haven’t bookmarked any to try yet.

    I’m looking for recipes too, so I’ll have to check out that cookbook.

  7. Skincare Intervention Needed :

    I don’t usually do New Years Resolutions, but I decided that this was a good opportunity to buckle down and take care of my skin. I’m the worst at skincare, to the point where it’s kind of gross. I don’t take off my makeup before going to bed. I don’t wash my face every day. I looked at my moisturizer yesterday and saw it expired 2 years ago. I’m blessed with good genes, but that only goes so far and I know that if I keep this up I’ll look 70 by the time I’m 35 (I’m 26 now). I’ve decided to start small by committing to the bare minimum of taking off my makeup and washing my face every day. What’s your best advice for starting this habit and sticking to it?

    • Start with one or two products at a time (so you stick with it and to see if you react to any of them). Minimum grab an oil cleanser and a suncreen. Oil cleanser can remove makeup and then cleanse your face, and sunscreen is the best anti-aging step you can take right now.

    • A note on the mirror. You brush your teeth every night right? A note right on the mirror “you have time to brush your teeth, so just do it.” And next to it “put your sunscreen on so you don’t look 40 when you’re 30.”

    • I get really lazy about removing makeup too. When I get home from work, I change out of my work clothes and remove my makeup instead of waiting until right before bed. I think at your age the biggest thing is protecting against sun damage so wear sunscreen every day.

    • Get a makeup eraser cloth. Those take off foundation so quickly and easily that I can’t imagine not fitting it into a routine. They have them at Sephora but mine is from TJ Maxx and works the same.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer :

      I’d try a micellar water for the taking off the make-up/cleansing step. I’m pretty obsessive about taking my make-up off before bed but even I have nights where actually washing my face seems like a lot. Swiping a cotton pad with micellar water on it does a pretty good job of taking off makeup and cleaning the skin. Especially for winter, it doesn’t strip your skin either, so it leaves it fairly moisturized!

    • I don’t wear makeup but use wipes for my evening cleaning – that might be enough for you? Definitely easier than using soap and water. I wash my face in the morning in the shower. I keep my face serum on my nightstand so I can put it on while I’m lying in bed at night.

    • Triangle Pose :

      Tell youself this every night “you age your face 7 days when you sleep one night with your makeup on.” This is probably bunk but I read it once in a BS lady mag and this mantra helps me motivate myself to wash my face every night, even in college when I was dirnking and couldn’t get it together to do anything else, I’d still wash my makeup off.

    • I am trying to take better care of my skin also. Can you make the process attractive in another way? I really like the (cucumber) smell of Kiehl’s soy cleanser, which makes washing my face seem less like of a burden. It claims to be able to remove makeup. I have found that to be true, but I tend to wear only a little makeup. I also like the smell of the toner and serum I use. Once I’ve done all that it is only two seconds more to put on night cream.

    • Eh, I have great skin genes and haven’t taken makeup off at night in 20 years as a routine thing (and am routinely mistaken for being 10 years younger than I am). I wash it off in the shower in the morning, use drugstore moisturizer and it’s all fine. Know your own skin. For me, this was a time and money area that isn’t worth it. YMMV

      • Senior Attorney :

        Yeah, I really feel like it’s genes more than anything else. I’ve been pretty hit or miss with makeup removal and the rest my whole life, and on the vanishingly rare occasions when I get a facial, the facialist is always raving about my skin and asking what products I use. The last one actually laughed and said “Oh, your skin care routine is ‘your mom had good skin!'”

        FWIW I use the Costco wipes except when I don’t.

    • I avoid the whole issue by showering at night. My makeup is always removed, and I can get ready in 15 minutes in the morning. Bonus.

      I use this Banilla cream makeup remover:

      https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0080M092E/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      I scoop some out, plop it on my face, smoosh it around, then hop in the shower and rinse it off. It helps that this stuff smells good and my face feels softer and nicer, rather than a tight, dried-out feeling.

      YMMV, but I hate disposable makeup remover wipes. I haven’t found one with a smell I wanted lingering around my nose all night, and I hate rubbing at my skin with a cold baby wipe.

    • I used to hate washing my face when I was using a wet cleanser and splashing to rinse. I got water everywhere, my hair was in the way, and I often went to bed with wet sleeves on my pj top, which is a miserable feeling for me.

      I switched to cold cream cleansing and it’s so much better. I think having everything in one place ready to go helps a lot. I have a stretchy headband in my bathroom drawer ready to pop on. I have a wash cloth hanging on a hook by my sink, and a little jar of cold cream on the counter. The steps are:

      1) put on headband
      2) slather a couple of fingers full of cold cream on my face, use a massaging motion and include eyes (it takes mascara off easily). Run warm water over washcloth in sink while doing this.
      3) wring our washcloth and wipe off face.
      4) hang washcloth back up and dry face.

      That’s it. Try it. A small jar of cold cream is less than $5. I use Ponds with the light green label.

    • I use the costco makeup remover wipes. Sometimes I’m too tired to actually wash my face so I’ll grab and wipe and do it in bed before going to sleep.

      • Clementine :

        Yeah, I’m usually really good about cleansing, but for nights I’m particularly exhausted or was trapped under a cranky baby or what have you, I keep a pack of these in my nightstand.

        I’m a fan of the ‘no excuses’ form of self care.

        (Note: I also keep a spare toothbrush in the downstairs bathroom, at my desk, and a travel toothbrush in my car. No excuses.)

        • I do this too (both the face wipes in the nightstand and toothbrushes stashed in multiple places).

    • My best advice to sticking with it is to make skincare an indulgence/treat rather than a chore. For me, that means buying products in pretty packaging that smell good and make me feel fancy, and trying/changing products relatively frequently. That helps me stick with it most days, and for the days where I am just too tired, an emergency set of makeup remover wipes in my nightstand.

    • I have a shower when I arrive home, or before I go to sleep. I admit that often the shower is motivation to remove makeup (I do have a ‘turbo shower’ sometimes in the morning again).
      Step 1. I take the cotton rounds, or a face cloth into the shower
      Step2. I dampen the cotton rounds, and squeeze a drop of Marcelle micellar makeup removal gel on two rounds- I find the gel soothing, and it takes off all my makeup really well. I gently dab on each eye, and it slides right off with little rubbing.
      Step 3. I use Avene extra calm cleansing oil, and wash my face with the oil, just to make sure all the makeup come off. The oil is not as drying as a foaming cleanser.
      These are drugstore products I usually buy on sale. If I don’t shower, I do the whole routine at the sink, and either way it takes two minutes from start to finish.

    • I’m a skincare enthusiast and my best advised is to find products you enjoy using so you’ll actually want to use them. It may require a bit of a splurge. Products I personally enjoy using to remove makeup are higher end cleansing balms, like Emma Hardie Cleansing Balm. Check out Caroline Hirons blog and youtube for inspiration.

    • Anonymous :

      MICELLAR WATER!!! You can just swipe off your makeup with a cotton pad, no need to even wash your face after. Then find a nice moisturizer your like (I’m partial to Korean brands) and you’re off to a great start.

    • KateMiddletown :

      I would go on the Paula’s Choice website and call them. They have the best reps and won’t sell you ALL the products. They can give you advice on generic stuff too.

  8. Are the posters who I’ve seen recommend Sherwood Smith or Sharon Shinn on here today? I need new books and that’s my comfort genre! Would love any ideas in that vein! Have already read Robin McKinley too.

    And for those that really like Sherwood Smith, she has a regency romance that I love – Danse de la Folie – that you should try!

    • A couple of different thoughts:

      -Nalini Singh’s Angels’ Blood series. Not just because of the angel thing, but there’s something of a similarity in feel to Sharon Shinn that I think you might enjoy.

      -Grace Draven also has a similar vibe to Sharon Shinn IMO. I would try Master of Crows as a first novel, but she has a lot of novellas that will let you test the waters.

      -Naomi Novik’s Uprooted feels *very* Robin McKinley to me.

      -The Bear and the Nightingale (blanking on the author) is a lovely Russian-inspired short fantasy novel that I think would also hit the sweet spot for you.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      Yep, I usually recommend Sherwood Smith. If you haven’t read any Tamora Pierce, read those (it’s YA, but I assume if you like Sherwood Smith and Robin McKinley, you’re good with that). Start with her Song of the Lioness quartet, but any of the books in the Tortall series are good (I don’t like her other series as much). My other go-to recommendation is anything by Brandon Sandesron, starting with his Mistborn trilogy. It’s more truly fantasy than Sherwood Smith’s stuff, but excellent.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      Posted a reply and it appears to have disappeared or be stuck in moderation. In short: Tamora Pierce’s Tortall novels or anything by Brandon Sanderson, starting with his Mistborn trilogy.

    • Pale Girl Snorkeling :

      Bear and the Nightingale is great and so is Uprooted.

      You might also enjoy Patricia McKillip, she has a fairy tale-esque writing style as well and has many excellent books. She’s notable for mostly writing standalone books.

      If you want funnier YA fantasy I can’t rave enough about Diana Wynne Jones. Howl’s Moving Castle and the 3 other associated books are fantastic and Dark Lord of Derkholm is one of my all time favorite books. It’s a very clever take on traditional fantasy stories.

    • I really like Lorraine Heath for romance, and Garth Nix’s Abhorsen series is fantastic as well.

    • Amberwitch :

      Fantasy:
      Martha Wells
      Wen Spencer
      Charles De Lint
      Lois McMaster Bujold
      Nina Kiriki Hoffman

      YA:
      Patricia Wrede & Caroline Stevermer – Sorcery and Cecilia
      Patricia Wrede – Frontier Magic series
      Susan Cooper – The Dark is rising sequence
      Seconding Diana Winners Jones

  9. To all the ladies that recommend NK Jemisin’s Broken Earth series, thank you! I was on a beach vacation last week and the trilogy was an amazing way to spend my days on the beach!!

    • Yey!! So glad you enjoyed it!

      Since you did, check out Robert Jackson Bennett’s City of Stairs series, if you haven’t already.

      • Book Recs :

        Ooh, thanks! I was planning on checking out Jemisin’s other series too, but I’ll add this one to the list!

    • Glad you enjoyed it! I just started the Ten Thousand Kingdom series and I’m really liking it too – much more intrigue and plotting in the first one but nice world-building in the second so far!

  10. Ladies,

    Please say a little job prayer for all of your friends who are looking, interviewing, or just trying to get out of a bad job situation. It’s hard out there. We need you to send good vibes into the universe so that in 2018, we can get our careers back on track. Thank you.

    • anon for this :

      Yes please. I’m the poster who was given until April 1st to find a new job and while I am dying to get out of my current situation, I’m also terrified I won’t find anything and will be out on the streets by April. Sending good vibes to everyone – the struggle is real.

    • Definitely sending lots of prayers and good vibes out!! It’s a new year… and I have a feeling Q1 will shake out a lot of job ads that were on hold due to end of year budget constraints. Good luck everyone!!

    • The Career Gods smiled upon me in 2017 so it can happen! Sending good mojo, juju, vibes, energy to all who are looking to move up, move out or flee a situation. Visualization and meditation helped a lot for me. Envision what a “win” would look like for you and then visualize it. Good luck to everyone looking!

    • Anonymous :

      Employment market is looking pretty rosy right now, you will do great!

  11. How do you keep jeans with lots of stretch from falling down?

    I went to a NYE party and wore black stretch denim skinnies with a sheer tunic and low heels. There was some dancing and every time i danced i ended up having to yank my pants back up. It kind of ruined the elegant look I was going for!

    The pants seem to fit. Are tight when I put them on but stretch out a bit. They’re a high waisted style.

    • I throw those pants out because they don’t work. Or wear a belt.

    • Cornellian. :

      you could try putting them in the dryer to make them tighter in the short term, but it sounds like they just don’t fit.

    • This problem is why I no longer wear jeans with lot of stretch and buy sturdier fabrics instead. I have a funny story from a college trip where all the girls were wearing stretchy skinny jeans but we didn’t have access to laundry so we washed our clothes by hand and line-dried everything. Without dryers to shrink the fabric back down, our pants stretched out so much that by the end of the trip they were basically unwearable. We all ended up trading pants with each other to wear the smaller stretched out sizes!

      • Ah! I never put pants of any sort in the dryer because I’m tall and can’t afford to lose length. This may be part of the problem.

    • Maybe the shape is wrong for you, or they’re meant to be worn even tighter than the size you have? Or maybe you need to hike up the legs? If I don’t work the legs up on my yoga pants a bit they can sometimes pull down when I walk.

    • Buy a belt or donate to thrift store.

    • Some fabric has too much stretch. This is an example. You will never get these pants to be right, except for the first five minutes you have them on, if you don’t sit. You could try belting them, but again, that ruins the look. I would toss these pants and look for a dupe with less stretch as the fabric content. Make a note of what the stretch content is, so you don’t buy something equally stretchy again. GL!

    • I read a blog post that said that you shouldn’t buy skinny jeans with more than 3% of the stretchy stuff. I’ve been going with this and it seems to be working. My favorite skinny jeans at the moment are the Jessica Simpson super skinny. They’re cheap, have a tiny bit of stretch but don’t stretch out even when you don’t wash them for a while and they come in a bunch of different colors and styles. Check them out!

    • Do they have belt loops? Try the invisibelt!

  12. Indoor NYC? :

    Recommendations for warm things to do other than restaurants and art museums (we’ve got those covered) in NYC? Going for MLK weekend and it looks like it’s going to be cold enough that I won’t want to be outside much. Staying in Manhattan, but willing to go anywhere and visiting friends in the Bronx for at least part of the time.

    • Theatre. Go see whatever you can get tickets for.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      Plays. Get tickets at the TKTS booth for shows that evening or next day matinee. There’s one in Times Square, South Street Seaport, and Lincoln Center

      • I agree with theater, but the TKTS booth requires waiting in line outside in the cold. I’d look for tickets online in advance.

        • If you want to do TKTS, go to the Lincoln Center one because the line is inside!!

        • If you go to the Seaport, there is hardly ever a line and if there is, it’s super quick. No idea about the BK or Lincoln Center location. Avoid Times Square like the plague. You can also download the app to find out what’s available that day ahead of time.

          Other indoor ideas:
          – Chelsea Market for some lunch/shopping (the tacos place is the best!). Also, the Rubin museum nearby is great and not your typical art museum.
          – Planetarium at the Museum of Natural History
          – Brookfield Place/Oculus, downtown, is pretty huge and has a ton of food and shopping, and it’s fun to see the Oculus, if nothing else. You’re basically underground for several city blocks and you can get there by train and never have to step outside.
          – Get a daypass (or go late night) to a spa (I like Juvenex) and then get some Korean BBQ after, or go to one of the Russian baths for the day (restaurant on s*te, usually). Neither is too expensive and there are lots of options. For the latter, try the Russian Turkish Baths on E 10th or the Wall Street Bath and Spa on Fulton (you can go after getting TKTS tickets downtown).
          – If you like ice skating, the rink in Bryant Park is great has heated lamps around the perimeter (double check that it’s open, I haven’t been this year).

      • Anonymous :

        Try the TodayTix app

    • Go ride the old school wooden escalator at Macy’s up and down.

      …What do you mean I’m the only person who thinks that’s fun??

    • This was on my list last time I was there and I didn’t make it, but it looked fun: https://www.downtonexhibition.com

      • This show is fantastic and I believe may have a daytime version too: https://www.chambermagic.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI67KmsNK52AIVBtVkCh2tnQ6EEAAYASAAEgJUK_D_BwE

        A little different from the broadway/theater and seriously cool. I was skeptical, read about it on cup of Jo, my husband didn’t want to go, and we both loved it.

    • Seattle Freeze :

      I was just there last week with temps were in the teens and 20s, and spent a lot more time outside than I had expected. Layers, layers, layers! I also wore wool socks with insulated booties, and a super-thin down vest under my wool coat – if your feet and core are warm, you can stand colder temps longer.

      If you’re going to museums, make sure you arrive/get in line before the museum opens to minimize the time you spend in line outside – lines for the Met, even for advance ticketholders, get very very long later in the day.

      Enjoy your trip!

    • I don’t like Macy’s, but the mention above reminded me that checking out fancy department stores is actually a good way to spend time on a cold day in NYC. I hate lugging my coat around, so I usually take advantage of the coat check and spend time browsing unencumbered.

    • – Brooklyn Botanic Garden indoor conservatory
      – Royal Palms Shuffleboard Club (and bar) in Gowanus, Brooklyn
      – Chelsea Market for mostly foodie shopping/snacking (get the tacos)
      – American Museum of Natural History
      – See a revival film at the Quad Cinema or IFC

    • I’d generally second the advice against avoiding Times Square, but I enjoyed visiting Gulliver’s Gate. it’s an exhibit of miniature models of cities/regions around the world, with plenty of interactive parts and easter eggs to find.

    • I like strolling through the Chelsea Market http://chelseamarket.com/

  13. I hate BigLaw with the fire of a thousand burning suns :

    Rant ahead, sorry.

    Worked through almost the holiday season with only a sliver of a break on Christmas Eve (I’m Chinese, not religious, so my family doesn’t do Christmas, and the fiance’s family lives in NYC so it was just a quick subway uptown for dinner) because the fiance and I were planning a week-long trip in a week’s time to somewhere to recharge for a bit. I had the full understanding of the partner + team that I was going to go away – heck, I haven’t had a holiday in 2 years – but now it seems that there’s something really urgent to be filed that will blow up in the week when I’m away and partnerbossman is giving me SERIOUS guilt trips about going away (think “the holidays are JUST over, do you really need to go away”).

    Now, I’m fine with postponing my trip, it’s one of the sacrifices that comes with a BigLaw paycheck, but just, ugh. Not too related but I’m also very unhappy with the way BigLaw has taken a toll on my body – my complexion is terrible and I’ve just discovered a heckload of stretch marks on my b u t t from weight gain / loss depending on how stressed I am and how much exercise I get in.

    Ugh. BigLaw.

    • Triangle Pose :

      If you are in any financial position to do so, quit. It’s not worth it. Start looking and making an exit plan. 2 years without a vacation at all is not normal, even NYC BigLaw standards. Guilt trips are just shitty, if you need the BigLaw money, there are other BigLaw firms that don’t guilt trip you for taking ONE WEEK in TWO YEARS.

      • +1. Even if you can’t afford to leave Big Law, lateral. There are better firms out there. I took at least one vacation every year I worked in Big Law. I mean, yeah, I brought my laptop and did some work most of the time, but at least I got to go. Plus it takes time to ramp up at a new place so you’ll get a lighter workload for at least six months while you wind things down at current firm and get ramped up at the new firm.

        • Triangle Pose :

          Good point about ramp up. I’d say if you can, try to get a ramp down too. I didn’t lateral but my friends who did found this to be true. You mentally check out a bit while searching and if you can negotiate a late start date/longer notice period, you can take a break during that ramp down too. So you get wind down at terrible firm, 2+ weeks of a total break between jobs, then at least 6 months ramp up time at new firm. If you are looking for us to give you a reason, DO IT!

    • Anonymous :

      Guilt trips? Ignore. You gotta be tough enough to resist. Don’t cancel. “I didn’t take time off over the holidays.” People will treat you like trash if you let them.

      • Agree. The partner wants to send you on a guilt trip instead of a vacation trip. Nope. So many nope. (And I’m in biglaw too so I totally understand it’s not that easy to push back.)

      • Anonymous :

        Yeah, this. If you’re actually being told “don’t go” that’s one thing, but you need to learn to tune out guilt. Big Law will literally work you to death if you don’t say no. You have to carve out time for your mental and physical health, and vacations are part of that.

      • +1 million

    • Anonymous :

      Take care of your health. It’s not worth it and I hate to be all doom and gloom, but every year this goes on, it gets harder and harder and the toll on your body accumulates. After routine hundred hour work weeks and never being able to plan a vacation, I had to leave the firm I was at too. There are places where vacation time is respected. An its amazing how productivity surges after good solid downtime.

    • They didn’t tell you to cancel so don’t cancel. Say yes, I really do need to go away. I haven’t gone away in 2 years. They won’t fire you on the spot. It might mean you get a crappy review (which is probably another year away anyway) and you have time to find a new job before they fire you. Take your holiday!

  14. Question for the hive: As of the new year, I am officially separated from my firm. It was one of those “you have X amount of time to get a new job, then you are out.” I don’t have a new job yet. How do I handle this in interviews? Is there a way to do it without raising any red flags?

    • I think you need to be prepared to answer the question honestly, quickly, and calmly. You were let go because . . . Work flow issues? A change in leadership? Something bland.

      We just interviewed a few people who clearly had been fired. Tbh I don’t really care. We all know stuff happens. I just want to see that you have the experience I need. But don’t lie.

    • Yeah you need an explanation for why you were let go, and it needs to be grounded in the truth (but not necessarily the whole truth).

    • Also, I would add that you need to _really_ practice this explanation, over and over, in the mirror and with your best friend, until it comes out neutral and unapologetic. It needs to be completely natural and not sheepish or ashamed. It’s like how a dog can smell fear–interviewers can smell if you are upset about the situation. Even if you are upset about the situation, you need to be completely mellow about it and not show one iota of that.

      I also wanted to give you a giant hug, because I know you worked hard and it didn’t work out and it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You will be employed again! HUGS. HUGS. HUGS.

      • Thank you for the hugs. It was a really stressful job and looking back there was def some abusive behavior going on. The weird thing was the separation was sort of mutual. I was weeks away from just quitting before they asked me to leave.

        • “It was a bad fit, and, like a lot of BigLaw jobs, only a fraction of people stay on long enough to make partner. I wasn’t one of them. I think this new firm is a better fit because (explanation.)”

      • Triangle Pose :

        This is really great advice. Agree that I can always sense bitterness, residual indigance, etc. Practice practice practice!

      • Yes, this. You MUST own and believe that explanation. I was let go last year, and while it was ostensibly a staffing/right-sizing issue, it still felt like I had done “something wrong.” New Boss, when she called my references, was so pleased to find out that my explanation matched that of my former employer.

        New Job will show up. Be patient, and think of it this way: now you can job search full time, instead of having to be a good employee AND search. ((((HUGS))))

        • Been there :

          Have a short truthful explanation ready and try not to sound defensive (but it’s okay, you probably will feel defensive on the inside and that’s totally normal). Also, have some evidence to back up how awesome you are, in case they have doubts. Think about some specific praise you received from a colleague in the past so you can use it in the interview. People often ask how your co-workers would describe you, and having some quotes that are very specific to you will help back up your credibility and make you more memorable in a positive way. Good luck! This episode in your life will be a smaller and smaller memory, until it is no longer a big deal. You can do this.

  15. Has anyone had nausea go away early in pregnancy (like 8 weeks) and have everything turn out okay? I have a doctors appointment on Thursday but I’m so worried/stressed.

    • Yes! You don’t have to vomit for weeks to have a healthy pregnancy

    • I was never very nauseous and never threw up, but my worst weeks were 6-8. Nausea is not a requirement for a healthy pregnancy.

    • What?! You’re worried about NOT feelings nausea? Of all the crazy things to worry about while pregnant I think this takes the cake. I was never very nauseous and my baby was healthy- calm down.

      • Sorry- it occurred to me you may have experienced a miscarriage/ loss in past and I should be more sensitive. I still think this is normal though.

      • Not OP but I think there is a big difference between never being nauseous and the nausea disappearing very early and suddenly. The sudden absence of nausea, especially before 10 weeks, is a pretty common mscarriage symptom. That doesn’t mean she’s probably miscarrying – it’s much more likely a totally benign explanation, but I don’t think it’s crazy to be a little nervous about it, especially if she’s had a previous loss.

      • I was nauseous, but for the last 4-5 days I’ve suddenly felt fine, which I know can be a sign of miscarriage or that something is wrong. I’ve lost a pregnancy before, so I’m not thinking completely rationally. But I also don’t think this worry is insane (I wish it was.)

        • I wish you the very, very best, and I’ll add that I think it’s totally reasonable to be concerned about this, but I also think it can be completely normal. I’m just coming out of my first trimester nausea and for the last few weeks of it, I’d have a several day stretch of feeling totally fine, and then the nausea would return. So that could be happening for you too. Good luck!

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Hugs. … do you have an appointment with your doc any time soon? To set your mind at ease, hopefully?

          • Thursday, thankfully. I just want to curl up, watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and hide from the world for the next couple days.

    • Mrs. Jones :

      I never had nausea while pregnant, and everything ended up fine.

    • I was worried when I went into my 8 week appointment because I felt great. Only symptoms I had were sore b**bs and my coffee tasted metallic. I was certain there would be no heartbeat and then there were TWO!!!! You’re more than likely fine….and there just might be two. Ha.

    • Anonattorney :

      Yes. If you’re this anxious right now, start reading about common symptoms of pregnancy. I think what you will realize is that there are hundreds of different pregnancy symptoms, and everyone’s pregnancy is different. Also, aside from the basics (avoid certain high-impact activities, drugs, copious amounts of alcohol) there are very few things you can do to ensure a healthy pregnancy, especially in the first few months. You kind of just have to try and cede control of the process and hope for the best. If you fixate too much on every little thing, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.

      Good luck!

    • Mine came and went throughout first tri – I’d be fine for 2-3 days then get it back. (Had a healthy, full-term baby). But even if it doesn’t come back it’s probably fine. Symptoms are different for everyone! I’d only be concerned if you started cramping or bleeding.

    • I’m 8 weeks along too and having the same worry. My symptoms seem to come and go, and every time they go, I’m convinced that I’m having a missed miscarriage. This is my second, and the worrying is my least favorite thing about pregnancy. I manage it by telling myself, “You’re pregnant until someone tells you you’re not. Appreciate this baby for however long you have it.” (I’m sorry if this is insensitive to anyone who’s had losses. This is just something that helps me, not me trying to say how anyone else should feel about pregnancy or loss.) Good luck at your appointment. I’ve got one this week too.

    • Bored and Frozen :

      Pregnancy symptoms can vary throughout pregnancy. I had a few good days at 8 weeks this pregnancy and the week 9 was terrible. FWIW, I had a missed miscarriage before my first child and was still nauseous. I know how hard it is not to worry, but try to enjoy feeling well while it lasts.

    • Yup! I’m pregnant with #3 and for all of my pregnancies I’ve only had 2-3 weeks of feeling like garbage (can’t function exhaustion + nausea/morning sickness etc).

      It’s usually weeks 6-8/9.

    • There were a couple of days early on when I went from being nauseous (like puking) to ravenous. I was so freaked out that I emailed the doctor and they explained that the nausea can come and go. It came back within a few days with a vengeance and lasted through the first trimester. Now at 17 weeks, i sometimes have good days and can eat anything, but other times (like today), have days where I am still nauseous/throwing up all day. It really ebbs and flows and is completely unpredictable for me.

    • Anonymous :

      Thanks for posting. I am about 7.5 weeks and was going to ask a similar question,so it’s nice to see all the responses. I was way sicker in my previous full-term pregnancy than my first (missed miscarriage around 10 weeks), so it’s totally nerve wracking to be less sick this time around.

      • Being pregnant after a missed miscarriage is enough to drive me insane. I’m sorry others are going through it, but glad I’m not alone.

  16. I think my boss may have (very early stage) dementia. He’s unable to remember any details, especially about things he’s just learned. I’m expecting a baby in March and at least once a week for the last month he’s asked me what day I will begin and end my maternity leave. He just asked again today. Each time I tell him we’ve discussed this before and I’ll begin my leave when the baby arrives and come back 12 weeks later. I give him the dates that correspond to 39 and 41 weeks of pregnancy as the range for when my leave will most likely begin, but caveat it by saying it could be outside that range. He doesn’t seem upset by my answer and I think he keeps asking because he genuinely forgets, not because he wants me to give him a different answer. I’ve offered to send him this info in writing but he always says “oh no that’s ok, I’ve got it.” Suggestions for how to handle? Our workplace is very informal (though we have HR and they are aware of my leave plans) and I don’t want to make him feel stupid or senile but I also don’t want any unpleasant surprises when I go to take my long-planned leave.

    • Send an email anyway. CYA

    • Send him an email. “Hi boss, Just so you have it where you can reference it, I’ll be out sometime between X or Y through Z or A, depending on when the baby comes. Please let me know if you have any questions. – Anon”

      A few non-dementia reasons why he might not be able to remember your dates:

      1) He’s busy with other stuff
      2) Your leave isn’t a huge priority for him, so he just can’t seem to commit it to memory
      3) He has brain fog caused by any number of conditions – medication, anxiety/depression, junk food diet

      Last year, I was so forgetful and fuzzy headed that I was worried about dementia – and I’m only 36! For me, it turned out to be depression and anxiety (and worrying about my forgetfulness made me more anxious – vicious circle) coupled with too many simple carbs. Simple carbs can really affect your mind, even if you don’t have depression or anxiety.

    • Is it possible that they haven’t had someone take maternity leave in a long time and have forgotten it can be difficult to be precise? I know one friend that works for the govt and has to request all leave through some online system. She had to put in exact dates months in advance but then her supervisor could adjust them if circumstances changed. I think she put in her due date as her date out and then due date plus X weeks for her day back. I can see that it would be hard to remember if he’s not being given dates. Maybe try answering him with March X – June X, adjusted of course if baby is early.

      • Possibly, although he’s really forgetful about a lot of stuff, not just my leave. The leave is the only issue that directly affects me so that’s why I asked about it. But I definitely feel like there’s some sort of brain fog/dementia issue going on (possibly caused by medication as someone said above) that goes beyond just not being overly concerned with the details of my pregnancy.

    • Or he doesn’t really care? I’d just put it in his calendar.

    • Seriously? :

      Your boss doesn’t have dementia. Do you really dislike him? Your tone is not appropriate.

      These dates are very important to you, so you remember them. They are not important to him. He can easily ask you, so he doesn’t bother to memorize them.

      Of course you should have documented this in writing, in an email. Why didn’t you do this?

      Of course you should tell his assistant the dates, and make aure she has hem documented.

      Even if he is forgetting a BUNCH of things, dementia is likely last in the list of things you should be labeling your boss with. Insufficient sleep, Stress, depression/anxiety, nutritinal deficiencies, not caring, are all the most likely answers.

      Don’t start telling co-workers you think your boss has dementia…..

      Is this your first job?

      • No, I like him a lot. I’m concerned about him (based on how he’s forgetting many things, not just the details about my leave). I realize there are other things it could be, including medication, but I’m obviously not going to ask. I lost a family member to Alzheimer’s and his behavior right now reminds me a lot of hers at the beginning so it’s not like Gia is coming from a totally uneducated place.

        It’s a very informal workplace (not law). He doesn’t have an assistant and we don’t really use calendars (people keep their own calendars and to-do lists, but I don’t have any way of accessing his calendar). Nobody puts anything in writing. I mean we send emails like “can you take a look at this document before I send it out” but nobody sends CYA-type emails. HR is aware of my plans and has paperwork I’ll fill out a month or so before my due date.

        I’m obviously not going to tell my co-workers or anyone else that I suspect he has dementia. Asking anonymously here isn’t remotely the same as gossiping at the workplace so there’s no need to be so snarky or imply I’m being nasty to him.

        • I don’t know how “Gia” got in there. What a weird autocorrect.

        • What other things have you noticed? How long have you been working there?

          Our answers are appropriate, as the only example you have given is something very personal to you.

          You know that dementia progresses very slowly…. over years to decades, yes? So if this is a recent change, it is not likely dementia. Dementia is a very loaded word and is a clinical diagnosis that requires a doctor’s assessment. So it isn’t a word to be thrown around in the workplace. So, he’s forgotten a few dates? What else?

          Sounds like you guys have an informal, slightly disorganized office. With this in mind, document everything.

    • I don’t see anything wrong with what you said. I have adopted a personal policy of never trying to diagnose another person with anything, though – my parents are the worst about deciding someone is a sociopath, or a narcissist, etc. – it rarely ever helps the situation. Most of the time we can’t really tell what’s going on in someone else’s head.

      So while I think some of the responses were a little harsh, I do think it’s probably best not to assume dementia is what’s happening here.

      • Anonymous :

        Interesting perspective! I don’t generally diagnose people with stuff, but I had work friend who was the worst! until I realized he had narcissistic personality disorder of some sort and it really helped me deal with the situation. and make me be kinder when he was being difficult or rude.

        • I think it’s one thing to acknowledge someone has some sort of personal mental/issue, and another to basically whip out the DSM and issue a diagnosis. For me, if I decide someone has X disorder, I start noticing everything that supports that theory – even things that might not be signifant at all, and that I would have overlooked before. Basically, I look for evidence to confirm my own theory about what’s “wrong” with them – which, in addition to being unhelpful, is admittedly a little bit weird. So I just refuse to think that way now.

          I could see where it would be helpful in dealing with a really difficult person, though.

  17. Is J Crew getting rid of it’s suiting?

    There are very few pieces for sale on the website.

    • I don’t know, but I’m starting to wonder! I really hope not

    • The few suits they have seem to be marked final sale, too.

    • Is J Crew getting rid of itself entirely? The one in my local mall has everything vastly marked down and it’s looking pretty empty.

    • There was an article in either the NYT or WSJ this weekend about JCrew’s falling revenues and how they’re teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. They blame Drexler and Lyons for taking the brand to a too-expensive, too-edgy place, and making clothes no one wanted. They’re both out but it may be too late.

      • KateMiddletown :

        And yet the new items are all “clothes no one wants” too. (Though perhaps they were in pipeline when the above were sacked and it was less costly just to make them than redesign.) Where is my beloved younger, more New England-y version of Talbots of yore!?

    • I’ve been worried about that, too. :(

    • I can’t deal with this possibility! I NEED my JCrew suiting. Argh!!!!

    • Anonymous :

      Starting to wonder if it’s some J Crew plant asking this same question on every post.

      • I’ve only seen it twice. Also it seems like the opposite of what JCrew would want us to read.

        I wish Kat would do some investigative journalism on this!

  18. Interview Help :

    Ladies – after months of searching, I got an interview this week! However, I need your advice. The interview is about 4 hours away from me in the afternoon. My interview email states they can possibly set up a video interview if I cannot make it in person. My current office is under a lot of stress from tight deadlines and people being out (I was one of them). I would have to take the entire day off to drive to interview in person. My boss will most certainly not be happy. But will it make me look less serious about the position if I ask them to do it online?

    Here’s my next part. The position is a one year appointment. I have been searching in this field for a long time and am completely thrilled with this potential opportunity but the fact that it’s not permanent does scare me. I’m not married, no kids, and would be moving closer to my SO. Has anyone taken a term position before? It’s with the government if that matters. Thanks ladies.

    • I was hired for my (government) position via video interview. They never met me in person until the day I started. It’s not at all uncommon for my office/agency to hire people this way and applicants who don’t travel aren’t considered less serious.

      • +1, my DH got a federal job this way (fresh into the service, too; had not been a fed before that), and most recently, secured two very competitive (academia, albeit public school) offers this way.

    • I’d go in person if at all possible. It can be hard to make personal connections remotely, and if there are other candidates it might put you at a slight disadvantage.

      • I changed my mind after reading the other responses. I think it’s fine to do a video interview for the first interview, but go in person before you accept the job. It’s important to see the work space and actually meet your future coworkers before committing, IMO, if at all possible. There’s a lot a video interview can miss.

    • Triangle Pose :

      Take the entire day. Say it is medical and you need to be out the entire day.

    • I can’t answer the 2nd half, but for the first half, we have routinely interviewed candidates from out of the area by videoconference and have hired many. It’s not seen as a drawback in my company. A 4-hour drive certainly qualifies as out of town.

    • I think the videoconferencing is fine for a first interview, but I’d want to make sure to attend in person for a second interview. If you happened to get an offer based off the video interview, I would still suggest trying to actually meet the people you’d be working with before accepting.

    • Take the day. Call out sick.

    • Anonymous :

      I work for the government, and it will not affect how they view your candidacy if you do the interview via video. Government interviews and hiring are incredibly strict and fair. Everyone is going to rated on the same set of questions and not on if the interview was in person, phone, or video. It is common for interviews to be virtual (mine was). Also, many term positions in the government are converted to permanent, so I would not let that deter you.

  19. Someone posted last week about having a job that is a stable 45 hrs, workload comes and goes and there is downtime. Salary is low 6 figs. I just had a second baby, use a daycare and a nanny and a housekeeper, and would love to have a job like this. How does one go about finding one of these jobs?

    • Which field was the job in? What is your field/area of expertise/qualification?

      I am an actuary and it took me about 10 years of taking exams to receive my full qualifications.

      • Same- 10 years to get FCAS.

      • Anonymous :

        Hi, OP here. The post I saw last week was a gov’t attorney I believe. I am a transactional attorney. 8 years. Currently paid mid 6 figs. Most weeks are a very hectic 45 hours with 5-10 or so hours of spillover a couple times a month and its unpredictable, so I have to have the evening nanny for that.

    • What is your background? Generally you have to have experience that people value to demand this kind of workload and pay. I worked my butt off for 8 years before having my twins. I interviewed at a variety of different firms and received many offers but my caveats were no more than 35 hours per week and that I’m paid hourly. I didn’t want anyone paying me for 35 hours and demanding 50 hours. I also flex with my employer. If there’s a lot of work I work more, if there’s no work, I go home and they don’t have to pay me. I have a nanny that also flexs with me. I now work about 1/2 as much as I did before babies and make the same amount of money on an annual basis. It’s funny what happens when you throw out top dollar and say “take it or leave it”. You might find that quite a few people actually take it.

      • Anonymous :

        OP here. Wow! I like it. Are you at a firm now? I am 8 years out and did Big Law and in-house. General transactional.

    • I have a job like this but it’s a pretty strict 40 hours/week with a few exceptions for deadlines. I’m a lawyer in the federal government, which is a pretty tough job to get, especially right now. Also, some federal attorneys work much longer hours, have lots of travel, and some (AUSAs) make a lot less money. Make sure you do your research on any particular position.

      • Anon state :

        Similar but I work as an attorney in the state court system. Very low 6 figures but my workweek is 40 hours with no expectations of more, the work is interesting for me, and the benefits are great. Caveat is you don’t necessarily start out at this pay grade, that depends on your experience and assignment, but increases are steady. The pay rate currently tops out at around $145/150K.

      • same, i’m also a lawyer in the fed government and those are generally my hours (with the exception of trials). we max out at 160K so it’s not too bad.

    • I wasn’t the poster, but I’m in gov’t relations and that’s my workload. The work I do at the office isn’t generally time-sensitive, and away from my desk, legislators and their staff mainly only take appointments from 10-4. Sure, there are crazy (like 12 hour day crazy) periods when you’re in the thick of getting a bill passed, but those are limited and you know well in advance.

    • I run a department in State Gov’t. Busy when legislature is in session and during biannual contract negotiations, otherwise a very steady 40 – 45 with few eves / weekends. Low six figures. I came in w/ 8 years experience in litigation to a mid-level position, promoted to my current role within 2 years.

      My background is employment law and I’m with the central HR office (OMB equivalent for a state).

    • Higher ed (for staff) is pretty strictly 9-5 unless you’re really really high up, like reporting directly to the President. I make just under 6 figures and work 40 hrs per week. I’m actually only at my desk from 10-5 usually but I tend to work a bit in the evenings (no kids). Benefits are great too, I have five weeks vacation and the whole university shuts down for a week and a half at the holidays.

      • Different Higher Ed Anon :

        I’m also in a higher ed. staff position. I’m pretty junior, so I make closer to 50k than 100k. My work-life balance is fantastic and I also have very good benefits. I work from home whenever I need to and have a ton of autonomy. I also think it’s a field where it’s easy to find things to keep you engaged and challenged – lots of committees and initiatives to get involved with. I left Biglaw for this position, so the money has definitely been an adjustment, but I feel pretty good about my opportunities for advancement.

      • +1. Same experience, but in the middle of Higher ed and Different Higher Ed Anon. Relocating recently for my DH’s work (happens to be in academic arena, but not professor or researcher) made it so that I needed to take a bit of a pay cut to get a job, but I have other well-paying, flexible, and interesting options available for when I’m ready to change employers.

    • Anonymous :

      B2B sales, professional services in a growth industry. Low 6 figures now, plus equity, and I’m pretty junior. Hard to break into, but there are a ton of jobs out there.

    • Anonymous :

      Family have worked as city solicitors/corporation counsels for $120s with a 35 hour work week, and you’re a city employee with good benefits.

    • Anon4This :

      I’m associate GC at a small-to-midsize company and this is about my deal: I work 45 hours a week except when I travel, which is about once a month for 4 days on average. Sometimes things are super busy, but sometimes there’s downtime and I do CLEs or whatever. I make low 6 figures with pretty good benefits. My hours are predictable enough that I am entirely in charge of daycare pick up and drop off for my family, and it has never been a problem. I’m nine years out of law school, though, and this is the first well balanced job I’ve held.

    • Anonymous :

      I am a consultant in finance in a medium cost of living city and I make low 6 figures. I have a high degree of flexibility–can WFH or go into the office, as needed. There is some travel involved. I do work more than 40 hours per week, as needed, but I like my work and don’t mind it, since I can work from home. If I pushed back on hours above 40, it would likely be ok. Generally, I am very happy with my work-life balance and the flexibility that this job offers. I would like to be making just a little bit more money. However, I have been working for 17 years. So it took a long time of proving myself to get here. Some of my early working years were much, much different.

  20. Help me reframe January!!!

    I’m working out with a personal trainer. I’m eating a pre-prepped, pre-portioned lunch that I batch-cooked yesterday. I need to lose 40 lbs (and not “lose 40 lbs so I can hit 130” but “lose 40 pounds so I’m no longer classified as obese”) and my pants are tight and I gained back the 20 pounds I had gone this time last year…

    Anyway. I need to change. I want to change. But it feels like the fun is over and the next few months are just going to be HARD. Any tips and advice?

    • No advice per se, but you’re not alone.

      I’m looking at winter and the lbs to lose as a tunnel with summer and being able to fit into cute clothes again as the light at the end of it.

    • I am RIGHT there with you. I got on the scale this morning for the first time in months because I’ve been avoiding it. I knew I had gained lots of weight because I can see it and feel it in my clothes. But I was shocked at the number. I’m starting NutriSystem this week (yes, I know these are lots of cons with this, but I think it’s what I need right now) and know it’s going to be a long hard process. GOOD LUCK!

      • Anonymous :

        Anonymous, my husband did that same program in 2017 and lost a significant amount of weight– successfully– and has kept it off. You can do it!

    • Find a supportive community. Join MyFitnessPal or Reddit to help with daily motivation/accountability. I particularly like r/loseit and r/xxfitness.

    • For me it’s all about habit. People ask me why I never drink soda….if I drank soda I would drink soda every single day. So I try to make my habits healthy ones. Once you get into the habit of eating healthier food it may be easier. These first few months might be hard. What’s the hardest diet habit for you to overcome? Is there something you can replace that with the is healthier but not the healthiest thing in the world?

      I have a friend that was addicted to diet coke. She started drinking those flavored waters for fizziness and then slowly worked down to water with lemon. Remember that small changes are better than no changes!

      • And you’re more likely to fall off the diet and exercise bandwagon if you go all in. Small changes are more likely to stick.

    • The fluffy: WW evangelist here. Don’t think of it as fun vs. hard. Think of it as doing the best for YOU. Food is fuel for your body that can make you feel good, really good! Better than a sugar high. WW’s online community, Connect, is seriously amazing and inspirational. When I wanted to throw in the towel, I’d scroll through there and feel so much better.

      The serious: Have you examined how you got to this weight? Sure, sure, I knew I reached for sweets when I got stressed, and ordering (and eating) an entire delivery pizza was the ultimate binky for me, but figuring out WHY helped me finally stop. The Emotional Eater’s Repair Manual by Julie Simon worked for me, though other books may work for you. That finally helped me stop using food to deal with emotions.

      I wish you the best. This is such a hard journey. Hugs.

    • Embrace the suck. You’re right. It’s going to be hard. There’s no reward, no trick, no advice that will make it not hard.

      You have a chance now to dig a well from which you will be able to draw in other hard times, just as you’ll draw from your experience losing 20 pounds previously. Every time you do something that requires commitment like this, you get stronger and deeper.

      Yes. It will be hard. Hard’s not bad, though.

    • I’m in your boat. I’m focusing my initial attention on cooking. I theorize that a lot of my problems stem from eating out and portion control. So I’m cooking basic foods at home and immediately putting the leftovers into lunch portions in the fridge, so I can’t go back and nibble for seconds.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Be kind to yourself. You can’t hate yourself thin — believe me, I’ve tried!!

      I thought this article was spot on: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/28/smarter-living/why-self-compassion-beats-self-confidence.html?_r=0

      And yes, embrace the suck. I’m right there with you — I’m starting a Whole30 today and a lot of it will suck but I need the re-set so I’m just embracing the sucky parts.

    • What is it about your lunch that makes you think it’s so unfun? If you don’t like what you brought, consider what you might be able to cook that you would enjoy more that’s still healthy. I brought a batch-cooked lunch and I’m really looking forward to eating it, cause it’s _good_. Cornbread and black-eyed peas with collard greens. The peas have loads of flavor from spices, liquid smoke, and apple cider vinegar, but are pretty healthy. Plus, think of it this way: It’s so much better for your wallet to bring your lunch! You can use that money to do something fun!

    • Diets don’t work. The average dieter loses weight and then gains it back plus five percent within a year. Don’t be too restrictive and orthodox about your food intake. Just try to make good choices and maybe something less rigorous like, no seconds, or no afternoon snack. Just a new manageable habit, not a top to bottom I’m gonna change everything approach. The weight loss, if you lose weight, will be far more gradual but sustainable.

      • Anonymous :

        This 10ox.

        Everyone should really think about diets as a way to gain weight. That’s what they do for most people.

        You have to change your mindset and your lifestyle. It needs to be sustainable. It can’t be a diet per se. This is forever.

    • Bored and Frozen :

      Don’t Diet – diets don’t work. Focus on one habit at a time to change. For example, if eating lunch out is an issue, find a way to bring your lunch that works with your lifestyle. I hate making batch lunches – I have enough to do on the weekend with chasing a toddler and general household management. Instead, I bring lean cuisines for lunch. I get variety and it works for me.

      Keep your office stocked with healthy snacks. I keep a drawer full of pretzels, protein bars, and trail mix (pre-portioned!).

      Figure out what you absolutely cannot give up and find a way to keep it. For example, I have a serious addiction to Reese’s peanut butter cup. I keep miniatures on hand and one is usually enough to satisfy any sweet cravings.

      I find tracking apps really helpful. I regularly use My Fitness Pal to track consumption. I used Weight Watchers after my first child to help get rid of the baby weight. It helped me change so bad habits I had gotten into.

      Consider a heavy lifting routine. I got back to pre baby weight but still wasn’t happy with my appearance. After a year of lifting heavy weights I weighed the same but had some serious muscle tone which made a huge difference. I strongly suggest The New Rules of Lifting for Women or Strong. Most of the workouts fit in a lunch hour, with or without modification.

    • Anonymous :

      Think of exercise as play – do things you genuinely look forward to. Eat lots of tasty vegetables rather than bland old-school “diet” food. It can be fun.

    • You can do this! I like the LoseIt app as long as you use it loosely – I refuse to beat myself up if I go over my calories on a particular day, and I only track 5ish day a week to give myself some leeway. It’s really helped me understand portion sizes and realizes how making small changes can add up to a big difference.

      I know you said the 40 lbs is important for your health – but I do wonder if you’d feel better if you were thinking about being healthy and meeting short time goals. I could see where staring down 40 lbs all at once would feel a bit foreboding.

      I’ve also had some luck with very mild intermittent fasting – as in, limiting my eating to 8-12 hours a day, depending on the day and how I feel.

    • What works for me:
      Step on the scale daily. It’s an accountability thing for me, but can be triggering for folks who tend towards disordered eating so I get that this isn’t for everyone.
      Only wear pants/skirts with an actual waistband unless you’re working out or going to sleep. It sounds weird, but I need that reminder of how my clothes are fitting.
      Subscribe to a Blue Apron type meal service. I only get a box once every few months or so, but it’s perfect for recalibrating my brain to what correct portion size is. Left to my own devices, a box of pasta = 1 serving. I need the reminder!
      No booze on worknights.

    • Been here, still sometimes here. Here’s what I’ve found has made a difference for me:
      – Not all gyms are equal, make sure you truly like your gym, and it’s somewhere you enjoy being. You don’t have to love every class or every trainer (and I definitely curse the trainer in my head when I’m in class), but you should like the atmosphere, the attitude of the place.
      – Even batch cooking doesn’t need to be sad – make sure you’re getting robust veggies, healthy fats, and plenty of protein so you are full and don’t go down the snacking trail later. You may want to find a dietician who can help you set goals and establish healthy eating habits.
      – Don’t judge yourself only on ‘weight lost’ – if you’re working out, you need to factor in muscle gained and your measurements/inches lost/how clothes fit.
      – Make sure you’re working with a doctor who uses measures beyond BMI to determine your overall health (see above). I’ve told friends my weight before and they’re surprised by it (I’m not skinny but am fit, and my true weight is higher than you might guess) but I regularly cycle 75+ miles a day, my pcp is cool with the overall picture and my labs all come back very healthy, so I’m not stressed about the number on the scale.
      – Do you have any stealth bad habits you can morph into different habits? It’s harder in the winter, but spring-fall instead of coming home, making dinner and then hitting the couch to getting lost down the Netflix hole, I eat a small snack, change and put on sneakers and walk or work outside on the garden/landscape while I listen to an audiobook or podcast until it’s dark, then come in and eat a later dinner. In the winter, I go to the gym to just walk on the track and listen to something.

    • MantraMama :

      Practice saying I really want to (fill in the blank). I read the tip and thought it was silly, but it really has made a difference for me, esp. for my morning workout in the dark and phoning difficult people. It’s true, if you say it enough, it eventually becomes true.

    • The last time I lost significant weight having a community helped me. I chose beachbody because they have online “challenge groups” but its really a group where you post motivation and accountability. This helped me so much. Find some group whether in person or online where you have the accountability and community piece.

  21. Diana Barry :

    Ladies – leather trim stuff is out now, right? So I should get rid of the leather front pants I bought a couple of years ago? Would anyone take it on ebay or should I just donate?

    • I *bought* leather-front pants this year, as did several of my friends. I see them everywhere…but I am in the West and so may not be wise to what’s current in, say, NYC.

    • I don’t think so. I just bought a leather front skirt this fall from a very trendy store in a big city. Do you like the pants? Keep them. If you don’t like them, donate or sell. But I don’t think this is a trend question.

  22. Any recommendations for books or podcasts about how to think about money? I am not looking for financial tips, more about fixing what I’ve realized is an unhealthy attitude toward money. Thanks.

    • I find that just reading the Mr Money Mustache forums changes my mindset because those people are hardcore. No, I don’t need a bigger house to pay for a clean, I don’t need a nicer care to drive 6 miles round trip to work. I’m a competitive person so when I see what other people are doing when it comes to saving money I want to do it too.

      • You don’t say what your problems with money are, but I second Mr. Money Mustache, both the original blog (not updated much anymore) and the forums. I’m definitely not a full on mustachian, but I do find the “can-do” attitude inspiring and keeps me from getting too complacent. It may rub some people the wrong way, but I also find the environmental/anti-consumerism angle beneficial.

    • Afford Anything

      • Oh and Bad With Money

        • anonshmanon :

          I enjoyed Bad With Money, and could identify with parts of it (however not with the LA-creative job situation woes). You could also give the Minimalists podcast a try. I found it less preachy than the one from Gretchen Ruben (I think it was called Happier?), but it comes down to personal taste.

    • Not sure if it’s exactly what you’re looking for, but Death Sx and Money or So Money with Farnoosh Torabi

    • I am reading JL Collings The Simple Path to Wealth and I really like it. It’s more about attitudes towards investing in the stock market etc, but I find it helpful.

    • Anonymous :

      There is a Suze Orman book about Women and Money that is good. It does have tips but also talks about women’s relationship to money.

    • Your Money or Your Life (updated edition if possible), by Joe Dominguez and Vicky Robin.

  23. Has anyone else tried the new “Eyezen” glasses lenses that supposedly give a little boost for reading without actually being progressive bifocals? I got a pair a few days ago and they are giving me constant headaches. I am heading back to the optician to see if I can get them to swap the lenses out for regular ones, but would like to know whether anyone else has had a similar experience.

    • I have Eyezen lenses, but Eyezen is for blocking blue light from computers to reduce technology induced eye strain, not to help with reading. We might be thinking of different things, but definitely see your optician and see what they think. I didn’t have a problem with my lenses, and sometimes with a new prescription you just get headaches for the first few days anyway.

  24. Best sheet mask I can get at Target? Feeling like a post-holiday spa night but not willing to schlep to Sephora.

    • givemyregards :

      I like the que bella peel off masks (I think there’s one that is…passionfruit? or pineapple?) but mostly because they’re really fun to peel off – I don’t know that they do that much for my skin.

    • Anony Mouse :

      Won’t work for today, but I highly recommend Innisfree Real Squeeze masks. I’m Caucasian and the mask fits my face well. I buy them on eBay in sets of 7; it works out to a little over a dollar each. The only one I don’t like is Bija, which irritated my skin.

  25. Might be too late for responses here…

    I just found out I’m pregnant! I’m 37 years old and about 6 weeks along. This was totally unplanned and unexpected – and it’s also my first (and likely only!) child. My partner and I had been discussing marriage, but not baby and then – BAM! Here we are. I’m still adjusting to the idea of a life I never imagined for myself.

    The issue — I’ve been interviewing and in conversations with an employer since June. At the time, I was managing a huge and career changing project at my current company. I told them that and suggested I should take my name out of the hat. They came back and insisted I reconsider and they pursued me anyway – actually giving me 6 months to complete the project.

    I just finalized the last round of interviews with the CEO 2 weeks ago – and now we’re scheduled to chat presumably about an offer.

    Note – this is a HUGE fashion company and I’d love the chance to transition into the industry. I’m currently in entertainment industry. However, I currently have an incredible work/life balance, I head up the entire comms practice, I WFH whenever I want and have a flexible schedule, etc. New job would likely require more rigid office hours and also its fashion so I assume I’ll have to dress and look the part every single day — which is exhausting emotionally for me. However, it’s likely 2x more money than what I’m making now, which is HUGE given a baby is on the way.

    Help. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I keep the lower salary with the flexible lifestyle? Go for more money and more rigid/demanding corporate hours?

    Bigger issue — do I tell them I’m pregnant? Do I wait until I start the job? Or do I tell them after I get the official offer?

    I have NO idea what to do here. Anxiety levels are through the roof.

    • Don’t tell them your pregnant at least until after you have a formal offer. Even then, I’d think long and hard about not saying anything until after the first trimester.

    • If you don’t get enough responses, definitely repost later or tomorrow.

      First of all hugs and congrats! you definitely have a lot on your plate at the moment. I realize you are trying to think things through since you don’t know how much time you will have to decide if/when you get the offer from the fashion company, but since you do not have the offer yet, this might not actually be an issue.

      Assuming you do get the offer, I think you will want to find out what their leave policy is before you make any decisions. Since you will be there for less than a year before you give birth, you are not covered by FMLA. It sounds like you are a more senior level employee and the company policy might give maternity leave to anyone who has been there for 6 months, but definitely look into that because you don’t want to end up with an unpaid leave with no health benefits and no guarantee of getting your job back.

      It also sounds like you have some things to figure out with your partner. Not saying you should get married bc you are having a child together, but you said you’ve discussed marriage, so is this in the future plans? Does your partner plan on being involved with the baby?

    • Bored and Frozen :

      Congratulations!

      Do not tell the job you are interviewing for that you are pregnant. I wouldn’t say a thing until you are hired and then the conventions vary. With both my pregnancies, I waited until 14 weeks or later. I would have waited much later this time but they don’t lie when they say you show much faster with your second.

      You need to make the career decision based on what will make you happy. It is nice to be in a more laid back position while pregnant and in the postpartum period, but it isn’t necessary. Plenty of women have intense, high-powered positions after having children. I think the key is planning.

      Also, having a kid will completely change your life. I don’t mean that in a #soblessed unicorn fart kind of way. I mean that you will literally be a different person with different wants, needs, and priorities. Just be mindful.

      • Anonymous :

        I would say to mention it once you have an offer, to help you negotiate leave.

        • Anonymous :

          Agreed, assuming you’re far enough along to share. It’s a good bargaining chip and then they don’t feel bamboozled when you drop it on them 6 weeks after you start.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        OP, not everybody is “literally be a different person with different wants, needs, and priorities” after having a baby. Truly. Lots and lots of us have babies and love them but just encompass them into our regularly scheduled programming. This commentary just makes me seethe as it is so unhelpful and limiting to women.

        It sounds like this is a job that you really want and have worked hard to get. Take it. You can make it work with a baby and kick ass. Is it harder than a no overtime, regular hours gig? Sure. But the rewards are worth it for some of us – not only monetarily but in self-esteem/fulfilling what you see as your destiny.

        • Bored and Frozen :

          I am happy for people who transition into motherhood easily. That’s great. However, it is just as unhelpful and limiting to perpetuate the societal view that becoming a mother should be “easy” and “natural.” It’s much more freeing to go into motherhood knowing that it’s okay to not be okay – it’s a major transition for a lot of people.

          • +1. It is not “unhelpful and limiting” to point out that parenthood is a major shift for many (most?) people. Women AND men, by the way.

    • No advice, but I hope you re-post later for more responses. I’m in a somewhat similar (though different) situation and would like to see what people think.

  26. Post-Move Blues :

    How long is a normal adjustment period for moving to a new city? I moved 6 months ago for my husband’s job and I’m still really sad and lonely. We moved back to my home state, so I feel like I should be glad to be closer to family, etc., but instead I just feel super bummed.

    • Bored and Frozen :

      I have found that it takes me at least a year, but I am an introvert and don’t make friends easily.

    • this actually happened to me a few years ago. moved for DH’s job back to the area where I was from. The one caveat though was that I did not actually want to move there and did not have many friends in the area. As someone who has moved a few times, I’ve heard it can take 3-5 years to really adjust to a new city (or even readjust to an old one).

      some tips:
      -first of all, talk to DH. I did not do a good job with this and I don’t think my husband appreciated how sad and lonely I was. we also fell into some bad habits of spending too many weekends eating takeout and watching netflix on tv, rather than going out and doing things. we’ve moved twice since then and i’ve adjusted much better to each of those moves because we’ve done a much better job of getting out and exploring on the weekends, even if it is just the two of us. i know you said you are in your home state, but there still must be things do to do that you’ve never done or things that you haven’t done in years. try to do at least one fun thing a weekend
      -on our second move, establishing a regular exercise routine both helped me not feel lonely during the weeknights and I met a few really nice people by becoming a regular at my apartment building’s gym and a local pilates studio. it made me feel like i had a purpose after work, and channeling Elle Woods “endorphins make you happy”
      -realize that just because you moved back to your home state, you might still need to make new friends or put forth effort to reconnect with old friends. making friends is a lot of work and is not easy! i personally am an introvert, so it is especially hard for me, but i am also the type of introvert who needs friends. i set a goal to try to have one set of plans every weekend. even if it is only meeting someone for coffee for an hour.

      hang in there! moving is hard!

      • Thanks – that sounds a lot like me. While it’s where I’m from, I didn’t want to come back here. We’ve fallen into the TV/takeout routine a lot too. Getting out more is good advice.

      • +1 to going out more

        I think modern life makes it easy to fall into a trap of not connecting with your neighborhood in ways that would have been unavoidable even 10 years ago. I don’t know how much you use delivery services, but I have found it helps me feel more connected to my community just to go do things in person – library, grocery store, post office, etc. I live in a huge city so I don’t really see anyone I know or make friends on these excursions… but just having face-to-face interactions with other humans is meaningful, I think.

    • anon mover :

      My therapist told me the general industry wisdom is 1 1/2 years to adjust. It is completely normal and fine to still feel bummed! Also, for me personally, 6 months is typically a major readjustment period, since that’s when I’ve usually finished all the moving in stuff but have yet to find a new city routine.

    • I’m just at a year in a new place, with no pre-existing connections to it, and only now do I feel like I’m settling into new routines, etc. Still no non-work bffs, because it’s hard out there, but I think it took me the full year.

      In other news, re t t e s can be good sources of friendship or connection. Any interest in posting where you are?

      • A midsize city in the Midwest – if it was bigger city I’d post where exactly, but I don’t anyone else is also here.

        • I doubt anyone else is also here, I meant. Darn autocorrect typos.

        • I hear that. And I feel your situation!

        • You might be surprised – post your location! (I made a long-shot request for recs a few years ago for restaurants and hiking spots in a small city in the West, and ended up having a lovely dinner meet-up with a ‘r*tte who lives there.

    • Yeah, I think 3-5 years is about right in my experience, unfortunately, and I’m an extrovert. It’s just really difficult to meet people, let alone make friends with them when you’re not in school. I second the advice to get out and do stuff, with and without your husband. Explore your new city, find things about it that you like – a hiking trail, coffee shop, wine bar, whatever. Just having spots that you enjoy going to makes a huge difference. Also, are you in the right neighborhood? That can make a huge difference too. I think some people confuse not liking a whole city, when really they just don’t like the neighborhood they are in. Also, plan day trips to explore places that are a little further away. It’s always nice to have something to look forward to on the weekends.

      • Thanks, that’s good advice. I love the neighborhood where we live but I’m unhappy so far at my job, which I think is part of it.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m sorry you’re feeling down. I think adjustment time really depends on you as well as the city and family/friends support. I have moved to a city and taken to it almost immediately when I had lots of friends in that city. 9 years ago, I moved to where I currently live and attended law school. And I STILL don’t feel fully adjusted. No family nearby. My friends from law school moved elsewhere. I think the sooner you can find your “tribe” as they say, the easier it may be whether that is through work, church, friends of friends, Meetup, etc.

    • Anonymous :

      1.5 – 2 years, in my experience.

  27. New Tampanian :

    Any chance you moved from a super sunny place to a not so sunny place? SAD could be contributing to your feelings.

    • It wasn’t super sunny where we were before, but the weather was better so it was easier to get outside more often. Maybe I need a sad lamp or something.

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