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Update: We still stand by this advice on dating someone with less money (or more time) — but you may also want to check out our more recent discussions on love, including dating advice for career-driven women — as well as our discussions on women breadwinners.
Reader L had a suggestion for a post about dating someone with a different career than yourself:
This could be extremely controversial and slightly off-topic, but what about some sort of open thread about either (1) dating people who are way less busy than you are or (2) dating people who have way less money. I know that outside of office romances, the subject of dating has not really been broached, but I think so many of the corporette-readers probably have had one of these two issues.
I think this is a great question — I’ve been there on both counts, and I think it’s something that can be unique to overachieving chicks. So let’s talk about it here.
(And apologies in advance for every time I say “he” or “the guy” — I really do just mean the person you’re dating, but it can be so much more awkward to write.)
If you’re still hunting for love, readers recently shared how they met their partners, and readers also shared their best dating advice for career-driven women and discussed the best ways to meet new people. (Kat’s also shared her best advice on finding time to date when you’re super busy.)
(Pictured: <3 & $$, originally uploaded to Flickr by jeeked.)
First, let me start by saying that in the beginning, I wanted a guy who was “more” than me — taller, smarter, richer, more successful. (Hey, I’ll admit it.) After a few years on the New York dating scene that was whittled down to “taller” — and I was even flexible on that point.
Still, I had particular problems dating other people in the same field as me because my competitive instincts came out, and if a guy hadn’t approached things exactly the same way that I had, then I had respect issues.
{related: this was my cue to break things off}
Tips for Dating Someone with Less Money or More Time
And I think that brings us to the first topic:
Do You Respect Each Other?
A relationship is nothing without mutual respect. Start with what you know: yourself. Do you respect the person you’re dating and his or her career choices? Does a career that pays less, or requires less time, rate lower in your eyes? Be honest with yourself.
If you find yourself rolling your eyes when he explains things to you about his career or his job, it may be time to move on. On the flip side — do you think he respects what you do, and the time required for it? Does he seem to be threatened by your paycheck?
(I always hear stories of women “hiding shopping bags,” in some cases so their significant others won’t realize how much money they have to spend on frivolous things. Those stories always make me a bit sad — you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide something from a person you’re serious about, and certainly not from a true partner.)
Are Your Lifestyles Compatible?
While you’re slaving away at the office, what is he doing with his free time? If he’s going to bars every night or playing video games, do either of those activities worry you? If he doesn’t seem to be doing anything and is just so excited to get your call, does that bother you? Hypothetically, if you had a similar schedule, what would you be doing with your free time?
Sometimes lifestyles will just not be a fit — I went on a few dates with a stand-up comic who had huge stretches of time where he would be doing nothing, and then he’d be on the road for several weeks at a time.
He was fairly successful — even had a minor tv show on a channel I’d never heard of — but our careers left us with such different lifestyles that I couldn’t see it working out in the long term with him.
Are Your Dating Styles Compatible?
Some people like to talk to their significant other frequently on the phone. (I haaaate the phone, and I certainly never had time for long lovey-dovey talks when I was at the firm.) Some people like to be taken to really nice restaurants or the “hot” new place, which your date may or may not be able to afford (either for you or for him).
This will differ with every relationship, but it may especially come into play more if you’re dating someone with more time than you, less money, or both.
Again, you need to be honest with yourself about what you really want out of a relationship — if you’ve got a good man who can’t afford to take you out for a $200 dinner on a weekly basis, is that a dealbreaker?
There are no right or wrong answers here, but you have to know yourself. (Tip: don’t bankrupt him while you’re still dating — that’s what marriage is for.) (Kidding.) (Sort of.)
Are Your Life Goals Similar?
If he can barely support himself because he’s pursuing his dreams, is marriage on his horizon to the same extent it may be on yours?
If you always envisioned yourself staying home with the kids for a few years, is that even possible if you continue to date him?
Are You Financially Compatible With Your Partner?
As things start to get more serious with the person you’re dating, you should take a look at how compatible you are financially. I don’t mean that if you have X saved, he should have X saved — but rather, look at if and how you save.
I keep reading that the primary thing couples fight about is money, so look at this seriously. Again, there is no right or wrong answer, only “like me” or “not like me.”
{related: different money management methods for partners, unions & marriages}
Do you both live within your means? Do you save? What do you consider a “splurge”? A fun game that I only played with my husband after we were married was the “If I made $__, my lifestyle would be ____” game.
Start with something low to you — $25K. What would your life be like? Try it for increments such as $25K, $75K, $250K, $500K, $1M, $2.5M — and see how you both approach the question. If anything makes either of your eyebrows fly up, talk about it.
{related: here’s our last discussion on pre-nups}
I’m sure readers have tips for how they’ve managed relationships where the other person had less money or more time. A few of my own tips:
- If you prefer to have your date pay for you, consider inviting him over for dinner for about half of the time you go out (or to see a movie or whatever). This takes the financial burden off of your date without having to go dutch.
- If and when you move in together, consider contributing percentages toward the rent or the household necessities — you each contribute 50% of your paycheck (or whatever amount is needed).
- Talk about financial and lifestyle issues before you get too deep. If you’re 32 and want to be married with kids by the time you’re 36, you need to disclose that fairly early on to make sure you’re both on the same page. Similarly, if you’re thinking “gee, he’d make a great stay at home dad,” talk that over with him.
Readers, what are your thoughts on dating someone with less money than you? What about dating someone with more time? Have you been in relationships like that, and how have they worked out? Any tips to share?
AN
This one is really close to my heart. When we married, I earned more than the hubs. Now after 12 years, while my pay has shot up a lot, he earns 5x what I do. It didn’t bother him either way. He’s still as supportive , helpful etc.
Funny thing is – I think it matters a lot to HIS parents that he earns more than me:)
I Just Want Him To Be Taller Than I Am
I can’t believe no one has commented on the scene in “Up In The Air” when Vera Farmiga tells Anna Kendrick, while George Clooney sits quietly by, the difference between what she looked for in a man at 23 and what she looks for in a man now. It is a classic, right up there with the scene in “Broadcast News” when Holly Hunter places the phone in the cradle after a conference call, unplugs the phone, cries hard for exactly two minutes, dries her eyes, replugs the phone and goes about her day. Both of them are iconic.
Midori
“Up in the Air” is truly a great movie.
BrBar
My husband and I are transitioning from the ‘he makes more money’ to the ‘she makes more money’ phase. He’s a champ. A few of his friends have asked him about it, and he has the same feeling as I do, which is “why is society so worried about this.” I have respect for his career choices, even though they are different than mine. I feel blessed that he has been so generous with me and supporting me and my career goals. I’m glad others have found the same thing.
KP
How about this scenario: You commit to someone with a less demanding job than you. You like how this gives balance to your relationship (he’s free whenever I am, fantastic!). Then he gets a job more demanding than yours. Now you are both busy, he isn’t so fun-loving, and you often don’t see each other until an hour before you fall asleep.
The point: You can go for someone with a more/less demanding schedule than yours, who makes more/less money than you, but things can change, whether it’s your work-life or theirs. Hold on tight!
Coach Laura
Very good points – no one can predict the future. A couple could start down one path and then have unexpected things happen (e.g. major illness, disability, job-market changes, ticking biological clocks). It’s hard to generalize, and while individual experiences may be valuable to others, they can’t be broadly applied. A good plan would be to: 1) communicate, communicate, communicate before marriage/engagement and then communicate some more; 2) be flexible and choose a flexible mate; and 3) approach challenges with love and teamwork.
The worst thing IMO is to withhold your true self for fear of “messing things up” or for either one to have unexpressed major life goals or desires. If marriage is “for better or for worse” and one can’t predict the future, then teamwork, love, flexibility and communication by BOTH are paramount.
Anonymous making changes
I currently make 10x more than my husband does. We have had tough situations where he moved for my career, leaving him unemployed for years. It took him a while to fully understand he needed to take care of the household but it was great once he caught on. We eventually had a baby and he then took on the stay-at-home-dad role really well. Now that our kid is in daycare, he has gone back to work, starting at the bottom. With my big income, we have been able to pay off our mortgage and we have no other debts. I am so tired and stressed from my job that I finally feel it’s time for something for me now. I am going to quit my job and just be unemployed indefinitely. I will do some consulting work but of course I can’t depend on that income. People probably think I’m crazy, but I’m so looking forward to having free time. I don’t care if we’ll be financially struggling- when it comes time, I can always go back to work. However, I think it will be interesting to see if having free time is as fun if you have no money.
COS
I just want to say good luck. You’re a brave woman & I’m envious.
Anonymous making changes
Thanks. I think more people should do this, as long as they are willing to make sacrifices. Life is too short to be slaving away at a job you don’t like. I’m probably walking away from the most money I’ll ever make in my life, and I’m at the peak of my career (I’m 35), but somehow I feel it’ll all work out.
Ann
It will. No one I know who has made a decision like this has regretted it for one second. Once you are no longer completely preoccupied every minute with work and managing your life, your creativity can really blossom and you will probably come up with some great ideas. Plus, you will love spending time with your child. Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes. :)
Lex Caritas
Great topic – also really great to see the safe space respected. I have a few observations and also am a higher-earning partner.
My first thought here is that a lot of the comments above are really about change in a relationship: you start off in one arrangement then circumstances (external or chosen) change and you find that you are in this OTHER arrnagement, one you don’t like so much. It is a bit like marrying someone who takes care of their body and then stops – the arrangement has changed but you never had a chance to be consulted on whether you wanted the new arrangement.
My SO is a chef and I make maybe 6 or 7x as much. I typically work longer hours, so I also have less time. I’m not saying that none of the issues above apply to us, but she was always a chef, so I don’t have any expectation of anything different. I certainly don’t have experience of someone gearing down from a high paid job on the basis that I would support them. I’m also gay so i never had any expectation that a partner would earn more than me, let alone support me or would need to make more than me to be attractive to me.
i don’t know if this is correct, but i have the perception that many posters are resenting the situation because they hate their jobs. I’d be curious to hear if those in satisfying practice/niche areas they love also feel the same resentment that the biglaw folks have expressed?
Finally, isn’t it good in a couple to have an artist or a professor or something creative to balance out all the finance/law? But then I haven’t ever dated lawyers…..!
Anonymous
I am having the same issue with my boyfriend. We are just preparing to move in with each other and I have started thinking about the money issues. I have a stable career and will always make more money than him. I am not sure if I respect him because at times, I feel upset that I make more and will always make more. I also feel he is not motivated at times. I love my boyfriend but I am not sure if I can do this
Don't do it
My advice – don’t do it. Don’t move in, get engaged, become committed or get married. Both of you have to be comfortable with this. He has to own his career (even if it’s less than yours) or revel in being a good dad or have an all encompassing hobby/passion like writing or woodworking or weightlifting – something that gives him joy and a sense of accomplishment. Any insecurity on his part or discomfort on your part will spoil the union. I’ve seen many of this type of relationship work…and others not based on these parameters. At least try counseling first if you go ahead.
Anon
Ok- here is one for you. I married my husband two years out of college and several months prior to going to law school. He is a very successful professional with no student loans. I graduated from law school this past May and now work at a nonprofit. I make about 10 percent of what he makes and I often have to work during times when he does not have to work because he is very well established in his career. He works on a retainer and is able to take ample time off without having to worry about clients. Because of this he is the one who is often able to do laundry, take the kids places, make dinners, etc. he is amazing and very supportive, but I often feel like due to our situation, I am not pulling my weight. I don’t have a lot of time for household chores and the money I make barely covers our cable bill after my student loan payments. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Anonymous
“if you’ve got a good man who can’t afford to take you out for a $200 dinner on a weekly basis, is that a dealbreaker?”
What man deserves to have a woman that thinks so selfishly?
Erin
A reasonable article for the most part…but I must state that anyone who would require a $200 dinner per week in order to be happy with their relationship is beyond stupid (unless you’re filthy rich, in which case why are you looking for advice on this?).
Erin
Oops, guess Anonymous beat me to it long ago.
miss cindy
My bf and I have been in relationship for 1year1/2 months.He is 22 this year and im 21 and studying whereas he starts working this year. He told me that I changed his life a lot and opened his eyes to look his, his fmly and my future. But then, when he started working, almost everday he works..like 6am-6.30pm and 7pm-12am(his part time job).he said he wants to earn more.he promised me to spend time but thn day by day, I’m not receiving his calls and texts.i asked jim to atleast call me or send me a text, but then only at night before he sleeps he will send me good night, or sometimes he will call.I will cry and ask him to spend time with me as I was sick for few weeks and he even never call or text to ask my condition. He asked me to understand his situation that he is working for him and his family and he must work for his family too becase his dad had just retired.He said is not that well to do family, so he must work to make me happy.That is his answer when everytime I ask to spend time with me.But then, I feel so hurt and alone when he does all this, I knew he is doing a right thing but I just want to spend time with my lover, and go for a date like other couples too.he told me his life will change and he can earn and spend money that he earned after 3 years,so he asked me to wait 3years.i fell hurt when he has time for his friends,and go out with his family.We just meet like 3 times till now only ,and everytime when I asked him to meet me,he will reply busy.sometimes I will fight with him because its like nothing between us(no calls,no text nothing from him), HELP ME, WHAT SHOULD I DO? !
Anonymous
What an appropriate topic. I am a standup comedian and dated someone from a conventional career. There was a lot of attraction but somehow she was never comfortable with my career choice and consistently dropped hints about me getting back to Investment Banking. Expensive places were always a pre-requisite to having a good time. I can afford them now but those were the starting days and it was very difficult even when we went dutch. . She also judged gifts by their value. E.g. – This one time I tried to get some flowers for her from a hotel rooftop garden and she shot me down saying that’s cheap and I should buy flowers for her if I really wanted to gift them. Personally, I know no matter how glamrous it gets as more success comes, I know deep down inside I am a simple guy and needs someone who can appreciate the simple gifts and gestures. I also faced constant questions on how I would provide for her after marriage. These were clear indicators to me that it was not going to work out.