Coffee Break: Double Arrow Diamond Hoop Earrings

Yes, yes, I do love the huggie earrings and like to feature them, but these diamond hoops from Dana Rebecca Designs also seem kind of edgy and cool. I haven’t seen this black/hematite type of metal in a while, and I like the diamond arrows. Even better, they’re 40% off — they were $660 and are now $395. They’re also available in white gold at the sale price and rose gold and silver for full price. Pictured: Double Arrow Diamond Hoop Earrings

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Comments

  1. Workout or otherwise comfy bra? :

    I typically wear a well padded bra with underwire since that fits best on my frame for overall visual balance but am going to be visiting and staying with family soon. Don’t want to walk around without a bra (I have 38C/D br3asts), but want to be able to put something comfy under my pj’s when hanging out with them on the couch and such. Am seeing lots of options online that seem to be more like binders, but I don’t want to be flattened or to look like I deflated between daywear and comfywear. Budget’s small but would rather spend a few dollars more for the right thing than to go cheap and have it be the wrong thing.

    Ideas? Links?

    • I would also love any recommendations for this. The best was when I was 15 pounds lighter and could just wear nippies. …perhaps that’s motivation enough to get back to that weight.

    • Anonymous :

      Coobie?

      And I’ve seen the Ah-bra on informercials — it seems to accommodate larger volume needs

      • 32G / 34DDD here and I wear a large coobie without the pads. It isn’t the most supportive. I definitely look a lot smaller in it because it doesn’t lift my boobs as high and most of my meat is in the lower portions of my boobs. They are set lower than I’d like in the coobie but I don’t care when I’m lounging. I just throw a big sweatshirt on over it and no one would know either way.

    • I’m a 34DDD and wear this bra from Old Navy for situations like the one you’re talking about. http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1034328&pcid=1034235&vid=1&pid=431982402

    • I just wear one of my more comfortable bras in this situation. it only takes a moment to pop on when I get out of bed. I would’t wear a super structured padded bra (indeed, I don’t own any) but I’d wear a lacy sheer bra, and pop in nippies as the prior respondent suggested if you’re worried about headlights.

      • you could also wear a pretty bralette like one of these, and even sleep in it

        http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/bras-bralette

    • Anonymous :

      Uniqlo wireless bras or bra tops?

    • Anonymous :

      They are technically meant for nursing, but I have a couple of super soft Gillian O’Malley cross-over bras from Target that I love. I don’t wear to work, but I definitely will wear on the weekends under clothes.

    • I wear a bralette in these situations. Not enough coverage or support for daily wear, but provides enough that I feel more comfortable.

    • Anonymous :

      I like yummie brand soft bras

    • Being petite but busty, I’ve decided my comfort is worth owning 3 categories of bra: some for daywear, some for working out, and some for sleep and lounge. I second the suggestion to go with a less constrictive sports bra for the latter; that’s what I do. For this you can even get away with fudging your cup size down and your band size up, or fitting the sports bra to your breast size only and understanding the band is going to feel loose compared to what you’d want for real wear.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I’m not busty and I own these three, too. Daywear, sports/workout bras, and a couple of barely-bras/nursing bras (I don’t have a child, but I did have a central line for awhile and nursing bras were the most comfortable) that I put on at night if I’m at someone else’s house.

    • For low budget loungewear/athletic wear – I would try Danskin from Walmart. Not the most glamorous place to shop – but would likely fit all your needs here.

  2. Favorite Body Part? :

    What’s your favorite physical part about yourself and why?

    (and no following it up with a list of everything you dislike about yourself, as I know some women are apt to do after paying themselves a compliment!) :)

    • I have green eyes, my hair gets reddish/auburn colored in the sun, and I’m super pale. I really love this color combination since I know that green eyes is super rare and red hair is super rare and the paleness makes those 2 things stand out.

      I guess I just love that, even when I feel ordinary or like a wallflower or something, I have 2 traits that are statistically rare, especially for someone without Irish heritage. It makes me feel special!

      • Brunette Elle Woods :

        I also have green eyes and I’m super pale, but with dark brown hair. My boyfriend says the green eyes are what he first noticed about me :)

      • Anonymous :

        +100 to red hair and green eyes. I also dig the rarity and fun of it. I’ve been a life long glasses wearer, and once when I was a kid and being made fun of for the glasses, my older brother pointed out that the addition made me even more unique. My hair (which is very similar to Merida in Brave) has a life of its own and I love it.

        But hands down, my favorite physical feature are the freckles on my knees.

    • Anonymous :

      I have tiny ankles. Like tiny, tiny, tiny. I feel delicate and dainty (and assure you that I am generally neither, so it gives me a bit of my ballerina / figure skater dream).

      I don’t know why I like this, b/c it’s how I’m made and not due to effort or a reflection of character.

      • Yes to the 1st paragraph, boo to the 2nd… no negative self talk! ;) :D

        • Anonymous :

          Wait, what?

          We can like things about ourselves like things we worked for (see, infra, muscular thighs). But this, hair color, etc. are just accidents of birth / hitting the genetic lottery. I get that we like things about ourselves that make us happy even though it’s not like it’s an accomplishment. But to admit that isn’t negative self-talk, it’s generally acknowledging that “hey, I lucked out with stuff I actually like.” NBD.

          • Anonymous :

            +1 Acknowledging you did nothing but win the genetics lottery isn’t negative. It’s just reality.

            One might take it as a qualifying statement, but that was not disallowed by the initial call.

          • another anon :

            I think the comment was about how this was intended to be 100% “yay me!” or generally positive post and maybe that person interpreted your comment as a knock down for you that you didn’t earn the thing you like or something?

            Going to assume good intentions :)

      • I often look at skinny ankles wistfully. Alas, they are not to be mine.

    • Meg March :

      I have great hair. It grows very quickly, around an inch a month, so I am willing to try new haircuts, since I know it will grow out quickly if I hate it. It is strong and healthy. It is very straight, which means I can let it air dry and it looks great. It is very thick but fine individual strands, which means it dries quickly– if I do want to blow dry it, it goes from toweled off to dry in about 5 minutes. It’s a beautiful color that suits me very well (thanks to hair dye, but still!). I get compliments on it all the time

      • Cornellian :

        I’ll second this one. I have sort of dirty blonde/auburn hair that is thick, straight and smooth, and grows quickly. I don’t need a hairdryer or even really a brush unless I need to look super polished.

        Such a time saver!

    • I have a pretty smile.

      • This is mine too. I’m so proud of my younger self for being diligent about headgear and night retainers and get compliments from my dentists whenever I go in.

    • I like my brain a lot but I guess by physical you mean outward appearance?

      I like my long legs and I like my hair after a lifetime of battling it. I finally realized I have “good hair” if I just let it do what it wants to do.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I love my hair. I loved it pre-rainbow, and I love it now. It’s long-ish and shiny, mermaid hair, and I don’t have to do much to it, but I am finally learning how to blow dry it if I want to. It just plain makes me feel pretty!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      My legs have always been strong and lean, and after a few months of walking/cardio and 25 barre classes, they are absolutely phenomenal. My thighs are all muscle and my calves are strong. Embarrassingly, sometimes I just feel the muscle now I’m so proud of it.

    • I love my hair. It’s red (hence the username Carrots because Anne Shirley is my childhood idol :-D) and when it’s freshly clean and styled it’s swingy and fun and I love it.

    • I have GREAT gams.

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne :

      I actually like most of me, but if I had to pick one thing – my hair. I wear it in a bun at work because it’s easier that way, but my hair is long enough to sit on and it’s so pretty and shiny even when it’s up in a bun.

    • my legs and long nails.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I really like being tall, but I guess that is not a body part. I guess if I had to pick it would be my legs. They are disproportionately long even for my height, and are slender yet muscular.

    • I have full lips that I was teased about as a kid, but now everyone wants to have. I also have long tapered fingers and long nails. Fun for wearing big statement rings!

    • Anonymous :

      I like the shape of my eyes. They are kind of almond shaped, but big. I get compliments on them frequently. I also like my hips. I never really had them before I had kids. I’m short, have a really short torso and was always just straight up and down. Then I had kids and now I have hips!

    • I like my height and my blue eyes.

    • I like my dimples. They accentuate my ferocious grins.

      • Anonymous :

        This made me smile because I’m not really picturing Godzilla (because I’ve never seen any of the movies) but Reptar from Rugrats for some reason and the idea of Reptar grinning with dimples is great.

    • I like my eye color. I just looked this up the other day, but I have “central heterochromia”, and I also still have my “limbic rings,” so that is why they look cool/different. I’ve decided to dress in the right colors to draw them out more.

    • Aquae Sulis :

      I like this thread :)

      My favourites are my deep brown eyes, and small wrists.

    • Anonymous :

      My skin. I am in my 40s and my skin is flawless.

      My full lips. I can rock a dark lip any day, any time.

      I am slowly learning to love and live with my wavy hair.

    • Aussie aca :

      I like my long, slender fingers. People always ask ‘do you play the piano?’ and no, I don’t, but I’d like to learn someday. But I do like having nice fingers (& hands more generally; and actually for that matter, long slender feet)

  3. I’m a mid-level associate going to my firm’s summer associate retreat this year, and I don’t know what to wear. I didn’t summer at this firm and I’ve never attended before. It will be at a resort in a very hot location. There will be hanging out by the pool time, a golf outing, and a mani-pedi session, as well as a couple of seminar-type meetings. I’m thinking cute sun dress for the pool time (I don’t think I’ll actually go in the water, but may bring a modest swim suit just in case), shorts and polo for the golf outing, and summery sheath dress for the meetings. Thoughts?

    • Anonymous :

      Pack a rashguard / sun tee if you do put on a bathing suit. There are some really cute ones out there.

    • Cornellian :

      Outside SA? If so, I think I know what firm you work for….

      I think all of your choices sound fine. For the inside meetings the summers will probably show up in traditional office attire but you may have slightly more leeway.

  4. If You Could Tell 10 yrs go You, One Thing... :

    What would it be?

    • 10 years ago, I was 24. I’d already been sick by then, sick for years. I would tell her/me to keep fighting. Doctors aren’t always going to believe you, sometimes they’ll tell you it’s in your head. Sometimes you’ll even question whether they’re right and you’re a little crazy. Don’t listen to them. Don’t stop advocating for yourself. Keep going, keep fighting, it’ll take years more but don’t stop. The medical stuff -will- get solved and you -will- feel healthy someday. It’ll be a very long battle and you’ll lose a lot of folks along the way, but the best people will still be there and you -will- get through it.

      I’d tell her/me that someday, you’ll get to give a similar speech to this one, from the Golden Girls https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zovd9eKvy8s and I’d tell her not to worry, that 10 years from now, that’ll still be her/my favorite show and that 10 years from now she/I will be quite happy when someone suggests she’s a Dorothy.

      Not sure why this got me so choked up to think about but I guess, most of all, I’d want to tell her that I believe her, that even if no one else does right now, someday they will, someday she/I will be healthy, and someday she’ll look back and be glad that she fought for herself, even when no one else would.

      • This may be too late, but I hope you see this and know reading this choked me up as well. Hugs to you.

    • Anononope :

      If I had 15 years, “virginity is a myth” with some explanation.

      For 10 years, “[Name] is as bad as your friends say. Break it off already!”

    • Anonymous :

      Proofread your work. In a quiet room. With no gadgets.

      And let this always be your habit.

    • Enjoy the kids when they are little because in 10 years they will be teenagers. :)

    • Don’t be in a rush to finish college and law school. Eventually, you’ll get to where you need to be and its depressing looking at the rest of your life and seeing the same thing on the horizon. Spend more time being young and fun and irresponsible.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Depression and anxiety are real and you deserve to feel better.
      He looks like a bird and he’s a 15 year old jerk. Focus on you.
      Spend more time with your little brother. He’s the only one you’ve got.

    • Wanderlust :

      Don’t go to law school, and if you still don’t listen, at least don’t pay sticker price.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I want to tell her/me to get the heck out of the marriage ASAP. But I’m afraid that would mess up the timing of meeting my lovely new husband. So maybe I’ll just whisper “better days are coming” and “it’s not you, it’s him” in her ear.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      Care less what (most) others think about you.

      Don’t be so scared to fail.

    • I was a sophomore in college, for context. Because I’m only allowed to pick one…Have more fun and be more receptive to what your peers have to offer. Be curious about them and more compassionate.

    • No one worth your time expects you to be perfect, so you shouldn’t either. Be a good person and do the best you can with what you’ve got and everything’s going to be okay.

    • he’s not worth it.

      • Or, “You met your husband when you were 16. You’ll find him again at 26. Make your early 20’s about you and not about boys”

        I spent a lot of energy on unrequited lust. A whole, regrettable lot.

    • shamlet96 :

      be careful about whom you give your heart to. And your biological clock will start ticking, so treat your personal life more seriously and stop assuming you will just happen to run into the love of your life.

    • Anonymous :

      As a HS senior who hated the small town it was in – you’ll make it out of here, but don’t look down on those who decide to stay. You’ll find your people in college and it will be awesome.

    • Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

      It’s okay to be alone for awhile.

      Appreciate your family while you have them, even if they drive you crazy sometimes.

      Don’t hurry so much. Don’t be in such a rush to grow up you miss out on what’s happening right now. Remember that nothing good gets away.

    • Don’t marry DH who would become an alcoholic
      Anxiety meds make life much better

  5. Token Millennial :

    Entering the real world catch-22: The apartments I can afford without having a roommate are sketchy enough that I wouldn’t want to live there on my own. The apartments that seem safe enough that I’d be comfortable living in on my own are too expensive without splitting rent with a roommate. Advice? I’d really rather not have a roommate, but I guess that’s my only option at this point.

    • Live where you feel safe.

    • Can you look for a roommate that travels for work a lot or who has a significant other or family within an hour or two away so maybe s/he would be gone a lot?

      Maybe figure out a list of roommate traits that matter to you or figure out about getting a 2 bdrm with 2 baths so you don’t share as much space?

      I’m with you in enjoying living without roommates when possible but not for the sake of safety/security. Not feeling safe is worse than any roommate annoyance!

    • Are you willing to share what city you’re looking in? There may be some areas that are safe and relatively affordable but are decidedly un-hip. Several friends from college chose that route.

    • Are you moving cities? Especially in a new city, it can take some time to learn which neighborhoods actually are/aren’t safe, and which just have (out-of-date) reputations. Often with some real experience of the city you’ll learn that you can live safely in a wider range of neighborhoods than you’d originally thought.

      I would commit to living in a safe neighborhood with a roommate for the next 6-12 months, and spend some of that time exploring the city to learn more. Even in my super-HCOL city, I’ve found some under-the-radar neighborhoods that have boring reputations, but are perfectly safe, affordable, and even lovely. Good luck!

    • I’d go for the roommate and safety. Can you find a newer apartment meant for sharing, where there are two bedrooms, each with its own en-suite bathroom? That to me would be ideal. I don’t mind sharing a kitchen, but sharing a bathroom sucks.

    • Find a like-minded roommate (one that likes their space and respects yours).

    • Anonymous :

      When was the last time you had a roommate? Was it in the same apartment or same room? I was all-in for a single in college (and had one from sophomore to senior year), but I enjoy having roommates now that I’m out. Splitting expenses is great, and if you really want to be alone you can spend most of your time in your room if you want.

      Also I agree reevaluating what neighborhoods you’re willing to consider 6-12 months in once you’ve got more of a sense, if you don’t live there already.

    • Anomnibus :

      I feel you. In my city, pretty much everyone in their 20’s and early 30’s has roommates until they “shack up” or get married. I know very few people who live alone, and the ones who do have had to make some sacrifices to make it work. I wish I could live alone comfortably, only be responsible for myself and not have to deal with anyone’s mess, never have to wait for the bathroom, not have to deal with roommate shuffles . . .

      But right now, if I wanna live in an awesome apartment like mine, I need to share it with someone, and this will probably be my reality until I’m ready to live with a significant other.

    • Anonymous :

      In a similar situation, I took a second job so I could live alone in an okay apartment.

    • shamlet96 :

      Roommates and safety for sure. I purchased a home in a less-than-desirable area 15 months ago, and since then have had a robbery (while I was home – not hurt and a good Samaritan rescued my purse and computer) and also had my car vandalized. I’ve taken measures to improve safety but I will be listing and moving at the two year mark when I can sell without paying capital gains and going back to life as a renter in L.A.

      • Just FYI, you can exclude the first 250k capital gains if you’re single or 500k if you’re married filing joint. So unless you house has skyrocketed in value, you probably won’t have to pay capital gains tax.

    • Older Millennial :

      Go for a safe area with a roommate, but look for a 2 bed/2 bath or a layout with the bedrooms at opposite ends of the unit with bath, kitchen, living room in between (often found in 2 or 3 family homes). Save 90% of the cost differential toward a long term goal: buying a place/grad school/traveling the world. Use the other 10% for things you enjoy. You’ll be a lot less stressed than friends with their own place who live paycheck to paycheck.

  6. Rainbow Hair :

    Unsolicited Tip!

    I can get kind of down on myself, perfectionistic, anxious (I suspect I’m not the only one here with those traits!) especially at work. I’ve started keeping a physical file that I call (in my head only) the “RainbowHair Doesn’t Suck” file (in real life, it’s unlabeled). When someone compliments my work I print out the compliment/comment and throw it in the file. TBH it’s a habit I started during some turbulent times at another job, but now it works well as a confidence-boosting pick-me-up when my mind gets to racing on slower days. I just went through it and felt pretty nice, so I thought I’d share the idea.

    • I have an Outlook folder for this! It’s great for the reasons you mention, and also great for review time.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I have both. A pretty unlabeled file in my office and a kudos folder in my email. Sometimes I just sit and look through it even when I’m not down or feeling frustrated because it also reminds me I’m doing good even on the days I feel like I’m just spinning wheels.

      • pugsnbourbon :

        I have a folder where I’ve kept the kind notes I’ve gotten at this workplace. It is so wonderful to look through.

    • Anon for This :

      You know what’s sad? My firm rarely gives out compliments (even after staying up super late getting work done last minute), my folder would have like 5 things in it over the course of the last 4 years I have been here. I know its not me, many people have been fired but I’m still standing, but it depresses me to think that yes, this really isn’t normal, and I shouldn’t have to put up with it.

    • layered bob :

      I call this my “A-List.” (A stands for… achievement, affirmation, etc.) It is one of the best pieces of advice I got during a college internship – keep an A-List!

  7. Looking for recipes for something easy to bring to a picnic in the park this weekend with a large group of friends. The main is going to be sandwiches that someone is picking up from a gourmet deli so just looking for apps/sides/etc. to fill out the spread. I usually bring a pasta salad for this sort of thing but craving something different. Any ideas? I feel like this board is always great for this sort of thing. TIA!

    • Do you have a Trader Joes nearby? They have a southwest salad-in-a-bag that is delicious. We add rotisserie chicken to it, but you don’t have to.

    • We are making all the deviled eggs this weekend for events. Serious Eats has a guide with nine kinds and I can verify that the carbonara and buffalo chicken recipes are delicious. Use ziplocs with holes cut in the corner to pipe the egg mixture into the whites. Use Kenji Alt-Lopez’s recipe for steamed eggs (i.e. hard boiled wtihout boiling) for easy peeling.

      The Ina Garten smoked salmon dip also is delicious served with assorted crackers.

    • Last big vineyard picnic I attended, I made a gazpacho (actually, it was a salmorejo) and stored it in big jars. Brought small disposible cups to serve. Was a big hit!

    • Southeast anon :

      Black bean salad with corn, red bell pepper, salt/pepper/olive oil, and a lot of cilantro!

      • Senior Attorney :

        +1 and it’s even prettier if you use assorted colors of bell peppers! And add some red onion!

    • German potato salad– vinegar based and bacon-y

    • ramen coleslaw

  8. Stop trying to make Lincoln happen :

    Somehow I have sat through a lot of Matthew McConnahey (ugh — cannot spell) commercials for Lincoln lately.

    STOP TRYING TO MAKE LINCOLN HAPPEN

    The cars are not cool. I do not believe that he would have one. Why does this brand even exist? I get why people get Fords. But mediocre wanna-be Buick / Cadillac / couch-cars that also seem to aim to also be cool cars?

    If you’re going to throw $ at something, how about better design team? Then you won’t have to work so much about your pitchman (who I cannot not see as the nekkid st0ned bongo player).

    • The impossibility of the spelling of his last name makes me irrationally angry. My boyfriend has a huge man crush on him, so it comes up more frequently than you’d think.

    • Anon in NYC :

      lol – I hate those commercials.

    • My husband had an MKZ and that was a pretty cool car. I’m not sure I love the latest model. His was a 2011 I think and I loved that thing. It was black with leather seats and sleek interior. It had a sporty engine too.

    • My husband wants a Lincoln. He’s a lifelong Ford guy, so it’s a step up still in the Ford family. I don’t mind certain models. No one is forcing you to drive one. There are lots of cars that people love that I think are ugly, so I just don’t buy those cars. Easy.

    • Anon prof :

      It’s because he played a character nicknamed the Lincoln Lawyer in a movie. a surprisingly good movie! Probably because the books it is based on are excellent thrillers.

  9. Sloan Sabbith :

    Because I adore the positivity and self-love going on in this thread today, I’ll ask another: what’s your proudest accomplishment in the last two weeks? For me, I’ve had a couple in different areas of my life:
    Work: I took initiative and suggested to my boss/boss’ boss/boss’ boss’ boss that we more aggressively participate in a really important local initiative and that I lead the effort. They said yes!
    Health: I can hold a plank for 90 seconds and I couldn’t a month ago AND I can do a significantly improved (not perfect) push up!
    Personal life: I finally went for it and got a dog after thinking about it for literally years. He’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in years.

    • I left a really really bad relationship… like left left. Like waited til he was out of town and then packed up the pets/belongings, donated what didn’t fit in the car to a women’s shelter, and moved across the country. I’ve spent the past 2 weeks trying to furnish the new space both for function and to make the space feel like home and safety and security and love.

      Still going through some emotions over it all, depleted my savings and am going to be living on ramen for a while, but I did it. Which is my proudest accomplishment in a long while, not just in the past couple of weeks <3

    • Senior Attorney :

      LH and I hosted another couple at our house for three weeks while their house is under construction and we all got along like the proverbial house afire. They were lovely and we had so much fun that we hate to see them leave this weekend. I’m proud to have such great friends and proud to have a husband who volunteered to do it (subject to my approval of course)!

    • JuniorMinion :

      Work: I have admitted to myself that newjob is aprecarious position for me (lack of workflow unlikely to change) and have started networking like mad and have had 4 coffees, 2 lunches and a few email exchanges in the past 2 weeks.

      Personal: I planned 2 weekends away and I am normally a person who defers this sort of stuff and says “its too expensive, life is too hectic, jobs, oil…etcetc”

      Health: Been doing well with healthy eating the past two weeks and I upticked the difficulty level of some of my workouts last week and have been surviving them. I also rocked 3 sets of box jumps at 16″ and am considering going to 20″ for my next box jumping session

    • Cornellian :

      Came back to work from maternity leave, didn’t die.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Aw, I’m loving this thread! Applause to all of you!

      Personal: I buckled down in therapy and talked about some awfully tough stuff, and I can finally see the light at the end of that tunnel.

      Social: I attended *two* social things where I didn’t really know anyone, and I didn’t skulk around in the corners! I talked to people! And I’m going to go to more things and talk to people again! Starting tonight!

    • Amberwitch :

      Work: I held a social function for my department to get a bunch of new hires integrated, and everybody seemed to enjoy themselves.
      Personal: I had my dad out for danner, and he seemed happy about it and the vacations I’m bringing him on, and the dinners I’m taking him out to.

    • Work: signed up to a new job after being out of work for ages
      Skin: put my money where my mouth is and started using more fancy creams (Skin already feels better)
      Body: dropped 4 pounds
      Clothes: got up the nerve to wear a more stylish (ie. less coverage) outfit to training and felt great. Generally wearing more of what I fancy and not getting hung up on what others think

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne :

      Work: My grandboss randomly asked for my opinion on something and was very happy with my answer and happy that I had that answer. It’s always nice when my grandboss thinks I’m awesome.

      Personal: Finally nailed down all the arrangements for our vacation to Seattle in July! And with all the great Seattle suggestions I’ve seen here, I will have a list of things to do/see/eat longer than my arm.

    • both personal and work: I left a job after 20 years where I thought I’d retire and took a big risk on something new. My life is so much better. It surprises me how much better. Like, I’m embarrassed I stayed at the other place for so long.

    • I missed health: I completed a Whole30, I feel better physically than I have in ages, I figured out what bothers me (gluten and dairy, sadly)

      AND

      I have new bras that fit from reddit/ABraThatFits and they have been literally life changing. I no longer rip off my bra the minute I get home. I forget I’m wearing it most of the time. No small accomplishment at a 38GG.

      • (clarification, I did not buy my bras from ABTF. I figured out my size and shape from ABTF. And yes, I posted photos of myself in a bra. #NORAGRETS)

      • I am day 19 of Whole 30. I’m gonna make it and not die, right? I really miss quinoa. And if I see another egg I may die.

  10. Book recommendations :

    I know we do this here a lot, but I’m going on vacation this weekend and will be stopping at a bookstore on my way home. What is the best book you’ve read lately? I generally read a lot of non-fiction but am open to good fiction recommendations as well.

    • The entire series beginning with City of Stairs by Robert Jackson Bennett.

    • small law :

      I finished The Residence by Kate Brower and am now halfway through her follow up book, First Women: Grace and Power of America’s First Modern Ladies. Highly recommend both, though they do have some overlapping stories.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I read both of these in the same order in early April and thought they were really interesting!

    • The Sam Wasson biography of Bob Fosse was very good. Long, but good.

      For fiction, I liked The Devil’s Detective by Simon Unsworth.

    • Creating Freedom by Raoul Martinez
      The Guest Cat by Takashi Hiraide
      Underground Airlines by Ben H. Winters

    • Anonymous :

      I am rereading True Prep and it is just awesome and makes me laugh. It’s also the sort of book you can pick up and put down, if that helps.

    • how to murder your life – cat marnell. It’s not for everyone, it’s dark and I’m sure very controversial., but I just devoured it.

    • Anonymous :

      Today Will Be Different by Maria Semple (who wrote Where’d you go Bernadette, also excellent) – very funny and it has drawings!

    • Senior Attorney :

      I recommend this every single time, but Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. Nonfiction pick is Dreamland: The True Story of America’s Opiod Epidemic (that may not be the exact subtitle but it’s close) by Sam Quinones. Could not put it down!

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        OMG STATION ELEVEN

        • Betterandbetter :

          + 1 I have “Because survival is insufficient” on an illustrated background as my screen saver. That alone was worth the price of admission for me. I know its originally a Star Trek thing but still.

    • The Nest!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      +1 to Senior Attorney, Station Eleven
      Moloka’i is my all time favorite book
      Underground Railroad
      Girl on the Train
      The Martian
      Tiny Beautiful Things
      The Nightingale
      All the Light We Cannot See
      Me Before You (I did not expect to love this book and I couldn’t put it down)
      Eligible for a light read
      Recently finished March, which I loved. It’s from the father’s perspective in Little Women. Geraldine Brooks’ other book, People of the Book, is also a must read.

      • pugsnbourbon :

        +1 for all Geraldine Brooks.

      • Anonymous :

        +1000 to The Martian.

        Born a Crime was so much more than I was expecting.
        Hidden Figures
        Astronaut Wives was good for non-fiction vacation reading.

    • Need to pick a permanent handle :

      I just read Ginny Moon, which is a novel written from the POV of a 13-years old autistic girl who has been in foster care. It was charming and lovely

    • Anonymous :

      It’s not a light vacation read, but Bryan Stevenson’s Just Mercy is the best book I have read in a long time.

    • Delta Dawn :

      The Girls
      The Nest
      Swans of Fifth Avenue
      Homegoing
      All the Light We Cannot See

      I read Hillbilly Elegy and When Breath Becomes Air, but I did not love them like I loved the ones listed above.

    • Hillbilly Elegy for non-fiction.

      Joan Didion Play It As It Lays for fiction

    • The Swans of Fifth Avenue (I had so much fun Wikipedia-ing the characters afterwards)
      Rules of Civility
      The Namesake
      What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding (a memoir; I literally laughed out loud at times)
      The Rosie Project
      Bel Canto
      The Nightingale
      The Age of Miracles
      The Art of Fielding
      The Night Circus
      The Royal We

  11. Anomnibus :

    Roommate search update!

    Two people came to check out the place, they were both dudes off Reddit but both seemed like nice people to live with. Also, an acquaintance of mine connected me with one of her friends, who’s coming to check out the place on Saturday. She’d be my first choice since she’s a) a woman and b) a person someone I know can vouch for. I feel a little bad making the other two wait until the weekend for a decision, they may pick other places anyway (I have no idea how I came across, and my roommate didn’t do a great job making his room presentable, nor did he do much about all his clutter in common areas, because of course), maybe all 3 leads will fall through in the end, but I am feeling a *little* better about my chances of getting to keep the apartment.

  12. coasting out anon for this :

    I am a very junior corporate biglaw associate. I chose this firm because it is, relatively speaking, a “lifestyle” firm for biglaw so I don’t think it is better anywhere else. The reviews of my actual work are excellent, and I’ve never missed a deadline or turned down work. But I also seldom seek out work, and my hours are suffering. My last review was focused entirely on needing to bring my hours up.

    Realistically, what’s the longest they’ll let me stay here if I keep doing good work but never make my hours, or even really come close to making my hours? I have two young children, and while I like the work, I’d like to have more children and would then probably stay at home. (We could afford for me to stay home now, but it would be super tight, and so I’d like to stay here a bit longer if they will keep paying me…)

    • Are you at a firm with an hours minimum that you must hit? Or is it more of a norm that most people hit 2000 or 2400 or whatever? If you have an actual stated minimum that you haven’t hit, I’d honestly consider that review a warning; then at your next review, they could say — well we talked about this last time and your hours haven’t improved, so we’re giving you 4 months or 6 months or whatever is standard at your firm. If it’s more of a norm — then there may not be a set “deadline” — but honestly it could go just the way I described above.

      Frankly (sorry if you get offended) if you have 2 kids already and low hours, this firm is writing you off — whether you do good work or not. Female associate after female associate goes in and plays this game of being there to earn some money but really wanting to just get the name on the resume and the long maternity leaves etc. You announce pregnancy #3 and their suspicions will be confirmed. Whether they get rid of you in 6 months or 2 yrs — it will likely happen.

    • Based on my experience (in Biglaw from 2007 until early 2015), it seriously depends on a lot of factors, most of which are out of your control. If the economy tanks again and deals aren’t happening, you’ll be one of the first ones let go, though you’ll likely get offered the going rate of severance. Last I was paying attention it was 3 months. Similarly, even if the economy is okay but your firm has any problems and decides to reduce headcount, you’re likely to be let go, again with severance.

      If you can work for rainmaker who likes you, and will advocate for you, you may be able to coast by for longer because your firm will want to keep him/her happy. But that is not guaranteed. Additionally, the busier your group gets, the more difficult it may be to keep reasonable hours without turning down work. This is especially the case as you get somewhat more senior; if you have a good reputation, people will want to work with you, so your hours will likely increase.

      It isn’t clear from your comment how recently your review was in which they focused on your hours. If it was recent and you’ve at least made an effort (or the appearance of an effort) to increase your hours, I’d guess you’re safe for a minimum of six months or more likely a year from the time of the review, unless of course the economy or your firm tanks.

    • Are you talking about hitting 1800 when 2000 is the requirement, or hitting 16oo when 2000 is the requirement? (Some firms/associates are that slow, depending on practice area.) If they tell you to pull your hours up and see no progress, or no attempt by you to ask for more work, you’re not likely to stay as long as you’d think. Maybe 1 year before you get the nudge. It depends on your firm, and where you fall in relation to your peers. Firms are more tolerant if you are clearly looking for work/to be busy- are you asking? Asking for work outside your section? Are you doing non-billable stuff? If you’re just sitting back, people will notice and it will not be viewed favorably. Based on your attitude, it seems like you’re inclined to coast, which is likely to shorten your window there.

      Not trying to sound harsh, but not missing a deadline and not turning down work are the minimums for a biglaw associate.

    • Marshmallow :

      If your last review was focused entirely on bringing your hours up? I give it six months until you’re brought in again and then maybe six months after that. It’s happened to colleagues although not anybody I was close enough with to really ask for details about it.

      Personally, I hope it happens sooner than that. I can’t stand working with folks with this mindset. I get that you say you aren’t turning down work, but if all you are doing is waiting for somebody to spell out exactly what you need to be doing at every turn? You’re not being a good team member, you’re making everyone’s work more difficult, and it will only get worse as you get more senior. Your job IS to be proactive. Not to sit at your desk waiting for someone to give you a detailed homework assignment. Nobody has time to micromanage you. I know this sounds harsh but I promise your team knows exactly what’s up.

      • Anonymous :

        OMG this. You’re living your life and collecting your paycheck and that’s great for you — but I’d hate to be a peer associate of yours; the mommies always feel they are above late nights and weekends due to mommy status.

        • Marshmallow :

          Eh, I stop short of attributing it to mommy status. The handful of people I know who are guilty of this are not parents, just lazy.

        • Cornellian :

          That is pretty patently false. I had a great second year who worked for me for six months before I realized she had THREE children under five.

          Agree that the OP is screwing her fellow associates, especially at that junior level.

          • Cosign the people saying laziness is not the same as being a parent. Most of the moms I have worked with are as efficient as possible with their work hours and put in extra time as needed. Laziest people I have worked with were all childless.

            But OP, you are contributing to a stereotype that is going to negatively affect the other women in your workplace. It would absolutely drive me nuts if you were one of my coworkers. It may not be fair, but it’s reality that one mom doing what you’re doing is very likely to create or reinforce the perception that women lean out to be moms. Your female coworkers will be forced to work overtime to even attempt to rebut this stereotype and they will rightfully resent you.

        • As a mommy who is here on late nights and weekends, I’d hate to be a peer associate of yours.

          • Anonymous :

            Co-signed, biglaw mommy of 2 kids under 5 with a 3rd on the way, settling in for an evening of turning a credit agreement.

          • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

            Co-signed biglaw mom of four kids. I’ll work nights and weekends when needed thankyouverymuch.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          The person I know who was the worst for this was not a parent. The mommies I knew in BigLaw, on the other hand, tended to leave the office in time to get their kid from daycare, then get back online after bedtime and work all night. #notallmoms

        • Good grief :

          You’re awful.

          • Good grief :

            That was intended for the “mommies” commenter. The first one, anyway.

      • Bitter much?

        OP, I don’t like this person’s tone at all. As a senior BigLaw attorney myself, I’ve seen all types and these types are annoying.

        But I would think about whether you can truly “afford” to take yourself out of the market as planned. Being able to pay bills definitely doesn’t mean you can “afford” to forego substantial income over your lifetime. Do you have a trust fund? B/c putting all your eggs in the basket of DH’s income is, well, not advised by most middle-aged women for a reason. Think about it. Be honest. Do the math about what you and your family are giving up in income over your lifetime if you bow out.

        • No, Marshmallow is correct. There are several associates in my firm who are like that and frankly it’s problematic. The rest of us are busting our butts and sometimes really struggling to meet client demands when we get busy, and while they may be meeting the on paper expectations, sort of, in reality they are leaving the rest of the team in a lurch. She’s correct that OP needs to be proactive- making yourself useful is part of the job. OP is junior, that may not have occurred to her (and that’s normal). I don’t read Marshmallow as demanding that everyone bust their butts all the time or else.

          Of course, you sound like you’re just looking for someone to pick on, especially with your opening line of “bitter much,” subsequent insult, tone policing, and failure to actually respond to what she said.

      • Agreed that being proactive *is* a job duty and that not doing it means OP is not performing well. But I guess OP already knows that and so does her firm.

        • I don’t mean to direct this at the OP but it’s so frustrating that you can coast by, still get paid and then get a severance. I have friends who have been fired and negotiate pretty large severances and end up with essentially paid time off to travel stress-free before getting another job. I guess I’m just bitter over here actually doing my job and barely getting to take my vacation time because we’re so busy

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            You are welcome to do it too if you want! Thing about all of the hours of your life your firm has taken from you. I don’t begrudge anyone that knows they want to leave an wants to coast for a year or so before leaving / getting fired.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            I’m going to add a caveat. So long as that doesn’t result in the rest of the team getting burdened with too much work. If it’s just work is slow and you aren’t being proactive, fine. You said you aren’t turning down work so I don’t think you are causing others to take on more than their share. They are probably grateful for the hours.

          • “You said you aren’t turning down work so I don’t think you are causing others to take on more than their share. They are probably grateful for the hours.”

            Maybe my perspective is skewed because I am the person who is picking up the slack for associates like OP… but this isn’t the full story. It’s not the situation that work is divided on an assignment by assignment basis- if Slow Associate doesn’t take on Project A because she won’t work long hours, Busy Associate just picks it up and all is well. If Busy Associate gets *too* busy, someone will just force Slow Associate to pick up the next assignment. Well, in a law firm, what usually winds up happening is that Busy Associate gets ALL the tasks on project A, and smaller pieces of the deal/case can’t just get carved off to Slow Associate when Busy Associate is too busy- it’s hard to jump in at the last minute or after a case or a deal has progressed, because Slow Associate hasn’t been involved. So the busy associates are stuck with a full plate of active, complex matters. Long range, partners notice that Slow Associate isn’t putting forth her A game, so who do you think gets the work? Busy Associate. To a certain degree, that’s good for Busy Associate, but it can also be really rough. If partner knew she could rely on Slow Associate, the work load would be more balanced. That’s literally the situation I’m in right now. Our Slow Associate isn’t technically turning down more work, but rest assured, work he could and should be doing is getting pushed to me and he couldn’t help me with my caselist if I needed him too. If I’m slammed with a case that has hearings and a case going to trial at the same time, what am I going to do, make him take my place in one matter? Impossible and bad for the client. He should have taken on one of the matters from the beginning, but he won’t put in the work. Sure, he’s not ‘turning down work’ but that’s because no one’s asking him, even though he has capacity.

            Maybe she’s not burdening her peers. But it’s not that simple when you’re part of a team.

      • coasting out anon for this :

        Thanks for the honest feedback, I do appreciate it.

        The department as a whole is fairly slow and has been for some time, but I’m probably on the lower end if not at the low end of hours so I realize I’ll be the first to go. I do plenty of late nights and weekends, but I am realizing my values don’t really align with biglaw. I am the only woman in the department (associate or partner) with children. As far as I know only the other associates I’m close to know I have children; I don’t bring it up or have pictures of them in my office.

    • Cornellian :

      I’d say probably six months. If you’re at a powerhouse v50 firm that isn’t seeing a dip in profits per partner, maybe longer.

      If you’re okay with that, great. If not… I agree with marshmallow that you need to be more proactive.

    • I’m a BigLaw partner. Is there any reason you can’t just go part time? We generally have no issue with associates wanting to work fewer hours if they are just honest with themselves and us about what they want and are willing to commit. What does bother me is someone who takes a full time salary and works part time. It’s not fair to the firm or to your colleagues who are being paid the same to work the required hours. Although I wouldn’t advocate for dismissal, I would not put my reputation on the line standing up for someone in that situation. I think it’s always better for the long term for you to make the deal that works for you rather than waiting on the firm to make a decision about what to do with you. (And, at my firm, you’d be taken off partner track and pushed into a part time deal of our choosing before you’d be fired. It would then be up to you whether to move forward in that position or leave. Inevitably, people get better deals when they make the ask.)

      • coasting out anon for this :

        ok, talk to me more about this because that’s what I’ve wanted to do, but the advice I’ve received elsewhere (more senior friends at other firms) is that, if I want to stay home with more kids eventually anyway, to stay full-time until I’m ready to leave or get pushed out because there are plenty of people who don’t make their hours but only women voluntarily take a lower salary when they think they can’t/don’t want to make their hours.

        The firm is supposedly very flexible/supportive of part-time arrangements but I don’t know anyone at the junior level who has actually done it; they are all senior associates or junior partners.

        • In the firm, we have no issue with part time, and we like to be able to “sell” that we support such alternative arrangements. I’m sure we aren’t perfect, and it’s not possible to be, but we try to respect people’s days at home.

          I have an associate who works for me who is part time at 50%. She’s very well compensated. She generally works 50% (although we had a very busy year in which she worked closer to full time, but it was her choice and she got some great opportunities out of it). She is actually partner track. Obviously, she won’t make partner at the normal 7-10 year window because her years usually only count as a half year, but she will at some point make partner from a part time associate position. It works really well for everyone, and she’s fantastic.

          We have associates everywhere from 10% time who are paid for the hours they work to 50-80% time on partner track (we also have part time partners).

          I honestly think the advice you’ve been given is bunk. And you concede that you are working less than others, even if they are also slow. Take control of your own career.

          • Anonymous :

            Do you mind sharing what kind of practice you are in? I’m the poster from 6:27 below who can’t figure out how this works for an associate who works in finance. I suppose that it doesn’t help that I can count the number of women in my practice group with kids on one hand (OK, three fingers, including me!) out of maybe 60 total lawyers, and they are all newer mothers than me, so I don’t have a lot of role models. Wow, typing this out is depressing.

          • Anonymous, I don’t know if you will see this, but I’m in litigation, as is the half time associate I mentioned. I know we have part time associates in commercial finance, but I can’t speak to our public finance group–I can’t even think of an associate.

      • Lorelai Gilmore :

        Also a BigLaw partner and I 100% agree with this. If you really have no intention of bringing your hours up, then ask to go part-time. The risk is not just that you don’t meet hours; it’s that you develop a reputation of being lazy. If your evaluations are good and the only issue is the hours, you are in a perfect position to go part time.

        • Cornellian :

          Always interesting to hear from the partners.

          I went hat in hand asking for a temporary cut in hours and pay post maternity leave and was surprised at the reaction essentially being “Sure! Just please don’t leave us!”

          • Anonymous :

            This is certainly nice to hear! Please come back and report how it goes. I’m in a transactional practice and have contemplated taking a cut in my hours or doing some kind of flex time, at least during my next baby’s first year or so, but I don’t know how it would work — I feel like when a deal is on, it’s really on, and I wouldn’t be able to leave people in a lurch just because my x number of hours was up for the week. I’d love to make this work but I have seen very few people do it successfully! (Not to be a downer, just really truly curious and would love to hear about how to make it work!)

          • Cornellian :

            Anonymous at 6:27- Still figuring it out, but I don’t think it would work on a weekly basis to limit to .75 your normal hours. I think in most transactional groups you’d probably still be working crazy hours on the deal, but be staffed on 7 rather than 9 big deals a year, for example.

            I will report back in a bit…

      • Anonymous :

        Big law partner here. One of my biggest pet peeves is associates who only do the minimum. When I was an associate, I hated having to make up work for the people that were like that. Now that I’m a partner, you get one choice – then I won’t staff you again. I wish I had more power to dismiss those people and save the people that work hard.

      • Equity Partner :

        Cosign this.

        It removes the stigma of you being lazy and also gives you protection against being sacked for the one issue noted on your review.

        Others do this and it’s not fair, but you want to save your reputation and career. And think long term — do you ever want to use this degree in the coming decades (teach as an adjunct if you leave eventually)? In that case, don’t risk a sacking when you’re junior. You’re not likely to do better than your current gig and going PT is a way to stay while you figure the rest out.

    • I agree with the advice about going part-time but I also think you may be able to coast for a lot longer than six months. It depends on a lot of factors, including the economy how much you’re missing your hours by. But I had two years in Big Law where I missed my hours by a pretty significant amount (about 20%) and I was not only not fired, I was promoted to the next class year in pay and promotion. My group was slow overall and the firm was understanding of that. Like OP, I wasn’t turning down work but I also wasn’t out hustling for it and like OP I was on the lower-end hours-wise. I did comments about it in my review, but my overall numerical ratings were good. I don’t think I was a burden to my fellow associates because pretty much everyone was hoarding work to try to make their hours and I didn’t hesitate to work nights and weekends to get something done when there was work on my plate – I just didn’t have work on my plate all that often. It’s a totally different situation if your group is busy but with a slow group I think you can get away with this for years in some firms. Fwiw, my firm was AmLaw 50, reputation as a lifestyle firm.

  13. Anonymous​ :

    Anyone else watching The Keepers on Netflix? Because, OMG WOW.

  14. anon for this :

    I have a friend who is selling MLM products for a few different companies. She periodically sends me a copy/paste message via facebook messenger asking me to buy something. I just ignore them and don’t think much else about it. I see her in real life about once a month or so. I do like her and am in some circles where I’d see her periodically even if I didn’t like her.

    This month, she has gotten very aggressive on facebook. She has sent me one MLM message per day for the last seven days (I’ve never responded). They have increasing levels of invasiveness– “I feel like I’m bombarding you, but…” (you are), “I’m not sure if you’re getting my messages…” (yes you are, you see the read receipts), “I hope this isn’t too much, but…” (it is). I’ve now ignored so many that I’m worried to see her in person.

    I guess I could respond to one and say “No thanks!,” but I feel like any response at this point is going to be rude and dismissive (because, well, that’s how I feel). I developed a personal policy about a year ago where I just unfollow people who sell on fb, and the few that are bold enough to message me directly, I just ignore. I am strongly opposed to MLM for a lot of reasons (prey on women, make friends solicit friends, make women feel like they “own” a business when they don’t, I could go on and on) and I cannot send a genuinely polite response– anything like “that sounds great but no thank you” is a bold faced lie, to me, because it doesn’t sound great and I’m Very Annoyed that you’ve made me spend ten seconds of my life opening and deleting your spam message.

    I’ve considered blocking her on messenger (not blocking her altogether on fb– though she would see, I guess, that I’ve blocked her messages and would realize it next time she tries to send me something but cannot). I’ve considered just continuing to ignore (though I have no idea what will happen next time I see her). I’ve considered a short response (“No thank you!” is about all I can muster. I can’t bring myself to say “I’ll get in touch if I need anything” because I WILL NOT need anything). She has sent another message since I started typing this. Is there any way to make this stop and still have a functional relationship when I see her in person?

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      “Hi, person- no, thank you. Best of luck in your endeavours, though.” I’ve found that “best of luck” shuts annoying messages down, because it makes it obvious you aren’t interested in updates.

    • Senior Attorney :

      “Yeah, I’m getting your messages. Sorry I haven’t responded but I’m not interested in buying. Sorry! Hope to see you soon!”

      • I wouldn’t apologize for not buying anything. Maybe for not responding, but definitely not for not buying.

        • Senior Attorney :

          I don’t really see it as an apology so much as a “too bad, so sad,” but I guess you’re right about the second “sorry!”

      • hoola hoopa :

        +1

        I would not say “I’ll get in touch if I need anything” since you know you won’t be buying. That will definitely keep her contacting you.

      • Senior Attorney :

        And if she persists, I think it’s fine to say “I don’t buy from MLMs as a personal policy. Long story but it’s not up for discussion! Best of luck to you!” And then ignore further messages and block her on IM if necessary.

    • JuniorMinion :

      “Hey X,

      Thanks so much for thinking of me with respect to products X,Y and Z – I am happy with my current choices in those arenas. Best of luck with the sales effort, and look forward to seeing you soon in person.

      Regards,

      anon for this”

      Basically, I’ve learned the pleasant eff off living here in the South

    • Anonymous :

      Not saying you shouldn’t tell her to eff off and shut her down on selling to you, but do you think the urgency and frequency of her requests could be indicative of a bigger financial problem? Not sure what you could/should do about that, but just something to keep in mind when you craft a response.

    • I’d respond in writing, it’s fine that it’s not in a timely fashion:
      Hi X, It’s great to see you’ve become an entrepreneur; kudos! I’m not interested in your product/service. Hope all is well with you otherwise.”
      If she tries to convince you otherwise, or keeps emailing, respond: “No thanks.” Responding in the negative takes it out of your mind so you don’t think about it.

    • Anonymous :

      “Please stop sending me sales messages. I am not interested.”

    • “no thanks” once is all you owe her. I would not fall all over myself to explain.

  15. Repositng because i posted too late on the moring thread :
    Help! DH has been having a rough time at work… He shares a pretty dysfunctional/emotionally abusive relationship with his manager and it is progressively getting worse.

    He has been interviewing some but is disillusioned and frustrated every day. Quitting is not an option because of visa/immigration reasons (we are both on independent work visas)

    The stress and frustration from the workplace is making him snappy and easy to anger. He has been quick to explode and totally unreceptive to any suggestions.

    My work situation has been a little rough with a few stressful projects, and we have a toddler that is getting a headstart on the terrible twos, so my patience is starting to wear thin.

    Any advice/suggestions on what i can do to help him and also keep sane?

    • Anon in NYC :

      I’m so sorry that you’re both enduring this (because you’re going through it too!). A dysfunctional work place is terrible.

      My first thought is that you guys could use a short break. Can you perhaps get away for Memorial Day weekend? You don’t have to go far, just put the toddler in the car and go to a lake, or the mountains, or a water park. Even a BBQ with friends. Really clear your heads of day to day responsibilities.

      Second, when you’re both in a better frame of mind, ask your husband what kind of support he wants from you. Maybe he just wants you to be a sounding board and doesn’t want suggestions right now. But, also, talk about your needs – what you need from him when he comes home. It’s not easy to shed work frustrations when you want in the door, but you and your child don’t deserve to be snapped at all the time.

      Good luck!

    • Senior Attorney :

      Don’t let him snap at you. Tell him “I totally get that you’re frustrated but I can’t let you snap at me and our child. If you can’t control yourself, please leave the room.” And you take the baby and leave the room if necessary.

    • Ask him what you can do to help him.

    • Get outside as a family, after dinner, every day….. and take a walk. And talk. And don’t talk. And breathe. Baby in stroller will probably be quiet…. maybe even fall asleep.

  16. The managing partner for my firm just invited everyone (~100 employees, plus spouses) to his house for a catered cookout next month. We had a cookout planned with our friends the same night…though nothing’s written in stone, of course. But because of scheduling conflicts with our friends, we’d have to reschedule for mid-July.

    Dinner at the managing partner’s house is a command performance, isn’t it? I’ve only been here 3 months, so I’m suspecting I have to go. If it matters at all, I’m on a non-traditional/non-partner track.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I’m not in a firm, but if our exec director asked us to his house, yeah, I’d consider the face time important enough to reschedule other stuff, although I’d be grouchy about it.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Yup. Command performance barring something very major like a wedding or graduation on the same day.

    • Yes, it is.

      I once had a reservation to the French Laundry, many years ago, and had planned for the meal for more than two years and had a friend flying in from Europe to join me. Maybe some of you remember how hard it was to get in there when it was considered the best restaurant in the world.

      1 month before the big event, the Big Boss was having his special, dinner at home that all of my group was invited to. I …. declined.

      It hurt me tremendously, and was taken as a personal affront. I kid you not.

      Go.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Definitely go to the managing partner’s house, especially since your alternative seems to be more of a casual thing.

    • Yes, your personal plans weren’t firm, and even if they were, this is important. Reschedule with the friends.

    • Yes. As everyone else has said, you have to go.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      There is absolutely no way skipping something like this would be held against associates at my firm. It seems like everyone else who has commented has a different experience than me though, so it could be a know-your-firm sort of thing. Which can be hard to do as a newer employee.

    • This may be too late, but you should definitely go. I am with a fairly casual midsize firm, with wonderful senior partners, but if the managing partner had a party at his home and a new associate didn’t come (barring wedding or funeral), it would be seen as an affront. I think this is especially true as you are so new.

  17. What is your strategy looking for airline flightsthese days?

    I’d like to fly to the west coast in about 1 month. I rarely fly and don’t have any miles. I’d like to be frugal, but realize I may have difficulty this time of year….

    Recs?

    • Anonymous :

      If you aren’t wed to specific dates, cheap-o air apparently does have the best rates. But to get these, you have to be flexible.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      Make sure you check all airlines as some don’t appear on third-party search sites. I would check the website of the airport you are flying to to make sure you get all the airlines flying there.

    • Scott’s Cheap Flights!

  18. bellatrix :

    Hoping this is not too late for today — any readers in Charlotte? I would appreciate any thoughts on good neighborhoods for families. My family is planning a move there this summer.

    We’re coming from elsewhere in the state, so we know a little bit about the city so far, and we’ve done a ton of research. The top priority is making our 1st-grader happy (he is going to be very unhappy about moving), so we’re looking for good schools, plenty of green space (either a yard or nearby parks) and ideally neighborhoods with kids. We’re looking at the swath along 485, from Steele Creek/Pineville over to Matthews/Mint Hill. We’ve seen lots of promising houses online, and we’re planning to go look in person the first weekend in June, but you can only tell so much from a brief visit.

    Any thoughts greatly appreciated; thanks in advance.

    • I’ll say upfront that this is probably not the most helpful response you’ll get haha, but I’ll throw it out there. I grew up in SE Charlotte and haven’t been back in years, but my mom and I still stalk real estate listings for our old neighborhood and nearly everyone I went to high school with still lives within 30 minutes of where we grew up. We lived in Lansdowne (between Providence and Sardis Rds), and there’s a public elementary school and a private school in the neighborhood, and I used to walk to school. Big trees, big yards, good size houses built in the ’60s. It’s closer-in than you’re looking for, but it was a really wonderful place to grow up.

      Have fun and welcome to Charlotte!

    • Anonymous :

      Is anyone going to be driving into uptown CLT? Or having to be home at 6 for school pickups?

      Landsdowne is by our pool. I can get there from uptown easily if I leave my office ~4:30. The traffic from Steele Creek would probably be awful and I know a lot of people there who will not use the schools there (not sure if that’s a representative slice — they all go with CMS magnet options).

      Repost in the morning? Budget / commute to job would be more important if I were looking.

      FWIW, CMS just adopted its school assignment plan to start in 2018, so whatever a realtor tells you, you might want to double-check against the CMS website or the CLT observer website coverage of this.

      • No uptown for now; husband’s office is somewhere between Pineville and Ballantyne (Arrowood?), and I’ll be working from home. But I take your point about traffic. If his office moved to Concord we’d be in trouble.

        We’ve been trying to keep up with the school rezoning; it seems like the southern half of the district didn’t see as much change as the north. And Steele Creek schools seem okay from what we’ve seen — 7 on the Great Schools scale, mostly. But if they’re a turnoff to some people that’s a new wrinkle.

        Thanks to you both – will repost in the morning but this is helpful.

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