Wednesday’s TPS Report: Boat-Neck Cap-Sleeve Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

DvF Boat-Neck Cap-Sleeve DressLast Call is having a pretty great sale — save up to 75% off end of season and an extra 25% off new spring items. For today’s TPS report I’m liking this lovely boatneck dress from DvF, available in three colors. The “purple haze,” pictured, has the most sizes left (and is $171 with the extra 25% off), but the black and lighter blue are marked $139, but only lucky sizes remain. The dress was $328 originally, is 39″ long, and lined — I think it would look great by itself or with any number of cardigans or blazers. It’s $139-$171 at Last Call. Diane von Furstenberg Boat-Neck Cap-Sleeve Dress

Lots of great plus-size pieces on sale at Last Call as well — here’s a nice blue dress.

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]

(L-4)

Comments

  1. Yay Kat! I love Diane Van Fursternburg! And this color is so nice! Great Pick! I wonder if the boatneck style will be fashioneable this year tho? I heard people talking about getting a new look based on Kate Moss’s new line. Did anyone else hear about this?

    I went to an art opening last nite with Myrna in So Ho. It was very trendy and their were 3 men were weareing short’s! I thought that was SO dumb b/c even tho it was inside, I think they came dressed as if it was in the middle of the SUMMER! Talk about shrinkeage — these 3 schnook’s proabley are still frozen below the belt! FOOEY!

    I also wonder if those men were even interested in women b/c they kept hangeing out with each other, and did NOT even look at me and Myrna when we approached the painteings they were standing in front of. Myrna said they should have been interested in me b/c I was weareing my RED dress, which supposedly make’s men think of sexueal thing’s. These guys were NOT, tho and even Myrna did not even get a glance.

    I think we are probably loosing whatever sex appeal we had when we were in our 20’s. Now we are just about middle age women, and NEITHER of us have any decent prospect’s. Myrna even is tired of trying to find a guy. All the men she meet’s at work are into themselves and only would consider Myrna for sex. She says to them she does NOT need that — and neither do I — I want a RELEATIONSHIP! Even the manageing partner’s brother is annoyed that he is not in a real realeationship with a woman, even tho he has his own apartement. He texted me to ask if I wanted to go out to eat tonite. I told him I was busy preparing for my oral arguments tomorrow. He made a crude coment I will NOT repeat here. But even he said he wanted to date me so I am NOT totally a mess. YAY!

    If the hive knows of a guy who is DECENT, please let me know. I need to have a baby THIS year! DOUBEL YAY if I can!

  2. I like the color and the length. Goes a little low in the back to wear without a blazer or cardigan, and it’s clingy on the model. Has anyone tried this on?

    • I have! It is very clingy but quite flattering. It struck me more as a date-night dress than work attire. The blazer would make it more appropriate for work, as Kat wrote. It really is a stunner.

      • Yes! I have this in two colors, and it’s very flattering. Makes my waist look teeny tiny. It’s a bit clingy AND runs a bit small, so I sized up, and it looks perfect for work. I wear it with a blazer on top for important meetings; cardigan otherwise.

    • Anonymous :

      I have this dress and would not have thought to wear it to work. It is my go-to wedding dress and a bit va-voomy for work, IMHO. On the other hand, it is a gorgeous dress!

  3. SarahJames :

    Regularish poster going anon for this one because I think I just need a reality check.

    We had a lovely wedding about four months ago. Surprisingly, about 40% of my friends have not given us a card or gift–including 3 of my 5 bridesmaids. Nearly every other attendee (relatives, husband’s friends, etc) have already given us gifts, so we are really not expecting to get any more.

    I know everyone will jump on me as greedy, but it’s really kind of hurtful that so many of my close friends (nearly all of whom I have given wedding and now baby gifts to over the years) would not give so much as a card or even a token gift. Part of me wondered if some of our cards had gone missing since an entire table of friends didn’t give gifts, but I’m suspecting it’s just that people forgot with the intervening holidays, etc.

    I can’t say anything to anyone, can I? I know I can’t. But I also don’t know how to not feel hurt by so many of my friends not acknowledging our wedding. Trying to focus on the fact that many of them traveled from out of state for it…but so did I when I went to their weddings and gave gifts. For what it’s worth, these are not people who are hurting financially–most are better off financially than we are.

    Trust me when I say I feel terribly petty thinking about gifts…but I also feel really hurt by some of my friends.

    • They probably just haven’t gotten around to it yet, since the prevailing opinion is that you have a year after the wedding to get a gift.

      • SarahJames :

        I’ve heard that before, but almost everyone I know who’s gotten married has said that they didn’t really get many gifts after the first month or two had passed. I don’t expect we’ll get many more at this point.

        • I received gifts and cards even more than a year after the wedding. Yes, most of them came within a month or two. But people did call me much later and say they forgot and asked for my new address.

          Also, I did send “thank you for coming” cards to the people I genuinely wanted to thank for coming. (That might come across wrong: I didn’t send them to the friends my dad invited who I’ve never met before. They came for my dad, not me and my husband, and they didn’t stick around long enough for me to even meet them.) I worried a little that it would sound gift grubby, but I felt genuinely thankful that they came, especially the people that traveled so far.

          For the record, I understand where you are coming from somewhat. I didn’t care about the gifts, but part of me didn’t understand why some people just didn’t get us a card with nice wishes. I read every single card people gave us, and they really meant a lot to me. Yes, you came to our wedding, but that day is so crazy it’s hard to really connect with everyone, so a card is a nice way to do that.

          If it makes you feel better, I don’t even remember anymore who didn’t get us cards or gifts–just that it did happen. (We got married 1.5 years ago.) For related entertainment, read the NY Times article (especially the comments) “When you can’t forget the gifts you didn’t get”

    • Are you saying that people who went to your wedding and traveled for it didn’t acknowledge it? Or other people not invited didn’t? What exactly do you expect them to do? You can’t really control what upsets you, but for me, this wouldn’t be it. Per Emily Post, you get a year to give a wedding gift. Your friends and family apparently traveled to your wedding, which should be gift enough. As should being in the wedding. They all gave you the gift of their time and presence. Don’t let something like a dinner plate poison your feelings toward the people you love most.

      • SarahJames :

        I hear you, and that’s why I feel so petty. The bridesmaids don’t actually bother me as much as the friends I invited that I have given significant wedding gifts to in the past 2-5 years. I should add that while some of them traveled (I also traveled for their far more remote weddings), most only traveled an hour from NYC.

        Trying not to poison the well by venting and moving on.

        • Hildegarde :

          Gifts aren’t a trade, though. They are just that: a freely-given gift. You’ve mentioned the gifts you gave them, but that may mean more to you than it does to them, if they are not really gift people. Giving a gift to someone on the (unspoken) expectation that you will receive an equal gift in return is not really a gift.

          • I am not a gift person. I am not stingy, I simply never think of gifts because I value time spent with people more and as an introvert, me going out of my house to see you is a big deal (weddings in my part of the world last until morning).
            I do make an effort to remind myself to randomly give gifts but it doesn’t work well and I have been to numerous weddings with no gifts and my friends truly appreciated the effort knowing my personality type. They don’t count how many gifts they got in or out but I know some people do the math.
            Also, many people assume I am very well off because I have a prestigious job and went to a “rich-kids” college, but I don’t feel the need to expose my actual financial burdens just so they stop complaining about how I don’t go out for sushi all the time or why I check my budget before accepting an invitation.

        • Same thing happened to me when I got married 5 years ago. A number of friends who came to my wedding didn’t get me a gift or even a card. Most of them traveled to my wedding (although not all), but like you said, I also traveled to their weddings and still got them gifts. None of them were bridesmaids (I didn’t have a bridal party). And most of them were in a financial position (or at least I believe so) where they could afford a gift + travel (i.e., one of them was a grad student; she obviously gets a pass; the others were in BigLaw). I honestly think a lot of them just forgot to do it before the wedding and then never got around to doing it after the fact.

          I’m not a materialistic person, and I totally get that taking the time and making the effort to travel to my wedding was gift enough. It was wonderful to have all of these people at my wedding. But the gift omission still hurt (and those feelings did make me feel childish). I didn’t say anything, and I just learned that I had to let it go. But trust me, it rankled for a while.

          • SarahJames :

            Thanks, this really gets at it. It feels petty but it also feels like a really big slight and hurts.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I can relate, and no you can’t say anything. My best friend didn’t give me a card/gift for my wedding and I was hurt by it (and also felt childish to be hurt by it), but I would never have said anything to her. She wound up giving me a gift a few months later, so maybe that will be the situation here.

      I do think it’s strange that an entire table of friends didn’t give you a card or a gift, but I don’t think there is any good way to ask about it.

    • Honestly, your bridesmaids have done enough for you. In my mind, that is the gift. Regarding your other friends, are they perhaps less gift-focused than you are? Some people don’t equate that with love and friendship the way you apparently do, and so for those people it could have just been that they forgot to do something that they know is required of them but don’t attach any personal significance to. If I were you I’d consider whether gift giving is one of your “love languages” and if maybe that’s why you’re hurt. If your friends travelled for your wedding, I would just appreciate that. I really don’t think you can say anything to them about gifts.

      • Hildegarde :

        I agree with all of this. First, being a bridesmaid is usually so time-intensive and money-intensive (even if you did your best to keep expenses down), that I think expecting a gift from a bridesmaid other than just being a bridesmaid in over the top.

        Second, as others have mentioned, etiquette dictates people have a year after the wedding to get a gift.

        Third, maybe your friends’ finances are not as secure as you imagine. Plenty of people have financial struggles and don’t talk about them.

        Finally, I completely agree with Anonymous at 10:25 that you sound like gifts are important to you, but to many people they are simply not. Your friends may think the time they took to attend your wedding, or the heartfelt words of congratulations they said to you, were the best possible expression of their friendship and happiness for you, and they may not realize you really care about gifts. Try to cut them some slack; it doesn’t sound like they “didn’t acknowledge” your wedding, just have they haven’t (yet) acknowledged it in the way you wanted them to. These aren’t the same thing.

      • SarahJames :

        Re: the bridesmaids comment, I would agree if I hadn’t also been a bridesmaid for all them already (including way more “mandatory” events and expenses than I asked them to do–I just asked them for inexpensive dresses and to show up) AND given them all significant, personal gifts.

        I should also say that I’m not very gift focused at all in general. I don’t expect gifts for anything and usually am the type to say “forget it!” but my wedding feels different. Especially when I did the same for them in very recent years.

        • So it also sounds like you may have done a lot for them that they didn’t ask for or necessarily expect. So you’ve given them significant, personal gifts. Maybe they didn’t really expect or care about that. I think that just because you did something for someone else doesn’t mean they have to do that for you too unless they expected that you do it in the first place.

          ETA: Hildegarde said it better above at 10:37

          • SarahJames :

            I don’t know, I don’t really think of gift-giving for weddings you attend as all that optional. It’s not as if I gave them a gift “just because” and am annoyed they didn’t reciprocate. If you don’t want to give a gift, then give a card with a nice note.

          • Yep. Guarantee that these people who “didn’t really expect or care” did care and would have been upset if didn’t receive a gift.

        • I hear you and I’m very sorry that this happened to you. Especially in that you didn’t get a card. It’s not about the monetary gift, it’s the thought and the gesture. I would never go to a wedding and not give a gift and I would be equally upset if this happened to me. And I am also not a gift person. This isn’t about a random birthday or Valentine’s day gift. It’s a wedding.

          • Eh, I have never seen cards as thoughtful (pre-printed hallmark sentiments for the win?) and if you like them great, but I would see my efforts at going to someone’s wedding (giving up my weekend, probably spending money on a hotel and at least some part of something appropriate to wear) as putting in the “thought”. That said, I usually get a gift too, but in the crunch of wedding season it’s easy to think you did when you didn’t. I send gifts off registries and cross my fingers they made it. (And I don’t get fired up over thank you notes either – life is too short).

          • I am truly shocked by some of the responses here. I am not much of a gift exchanger myself (I actually didn’t do a registry and discouraged gifts at my own), but I wouldn’t go to a nice dinner party without a bottle of wine or some other little gesture in hand much less someone’s wedding. A small picture frame and card can be had for less than $20. With 40 percent not giving a gift or card, I would almost wonder whether something got stolen or thrown out mistakenly. Just weird.

            And I’m sorry, but being an introvert isn’t a free pass on etiquette. If you really don’t want to go, just don’t attend. The point is celebrating with people. If you’re feeling put out to be there, then you’re bringing some really bad energy to what should be a happy time for the couple, truly. That’s no “gift.”

        • I know what you feel like. I spent lots of money attending weddings, giving gifts, etc. for a bunch of friends from college. I expected a reciprocal effort on their part when I got married. But…it didn’t work out that way. I felt a bit hurt, but in the end, I reasoned that I probably would attend those events all over again, if given the chance.

      • The only exception I can think of to this is if you have one friend who you are super close to and who also is either very into proper etiquette or the type of person who buys cards and gifts for every single occasion. Then you might be able to get away with asking her (and only her, and only once, and in person) – “Hey, I’m working on my thank you cards but I don’t have a card from you, and I know you are usually a cards for every occasion kind of person. I understand if you didn’t get me one, but I just wanted to make sure it didn’t go missing and you were thinking I was being rude and not sending you a thank you note.” But even that needs to be tread on very very lightly.

        If you also didn’t get a card from Great Aunt Susie who has been sending you birthday and Christmas and graduation cards every year since you were an infant, I would be more likely to suspect there are missing cards, and recommend you send a “thank you for coming” thank you note to all attendees in that situation so you don’t risk offending them with lack of thank you cards – but if its all your friends, I suspect they just flaked out or decided that they already got you cards and gifts for showers, bachelor3tt3s, engagement parties etc and they didn’t need to buy another.
        Signed – the person who just found a card for her cousin’s wedding that happened 2 years ago in her glove compartment and sheepishly mailed it in time for Christmas.

        • SarahJames :

          That’s the other thing–I really do want to thank them all for coming in a note, but I’m afraid that sending it will look like I’m gift-grubbing. I’m also afraid that something just got lost in the shuffle (though hard to believe that many would) and that people will think I just never thanked them.

          • Don’t do it. It will sound like gift grubbing. Especially since you actually are.

          • Anonymous 2 :

            +1

          • Years ago, I worked at a country club and heard stories of staff “pocketing” some of the wedding cards which fell on the floor or were left on a table after an event. I never saw it, just heard of it (and was appalled). People do give cash, so I think it’s remotely possible that this could have happened to you. I wouldn’t do anything at 4 months out though, especially since, as you note, the holidays have intervened. I’d think nothing of sending a gift at 6 months and would think that was perfectly timely!

          • SarahJames :

            @Anonymous–I mean, yes and no. The part of me that knows it would be gift-grubbing is what’s prevents me from sending it. But the part of me that worries that their gift just got lost or something — or knows that they traveled far to get there — wants to acknowledge their coming, etc. But for now, I’m falling toward “don’t send it” because I don’t trust that the gift-grubbing part is secretly directing me.

          • Do. Not. Do. It.

          • I think it’s fair to send the thank you for coming card. But that’s because if I was inclined to gift and forgot, then it would be a good reminder. If I was not the gifting type, then I would appreciate the acknowledgment of the trouble it is to attend, because after putting out $1000+ each to attend/gift for two weddings in one year, an acknowledgement is nice.

          • Not a lawyer :

            I cannot remotely think how a well-written and gracious “thank you for coming to our wedding” card could go over poorly. Even if they didn’t get you a gift, they blocked time out of their schedule to come and celebrate you. That deserves acknowledgement.
            I will say this in defense of your friends- sometimes people just space on gifts and chose to let it go. I know there have been close friends of mine who’s birthdays/weddings/babies have come and gone and in the interest of wanting to get the perfect gift, I’ve missed my window and given no gift at all. Or I was so tied up with something else that it was all I could do to make it to the wedding. Sometimes these things happen and it sucks, but all you can do is move on and be happy that you have good friends with whom to celebrate life events.

    • Completely disagree with the comments above. No gift = incredibly rude.

      • But I don’t bring gifts to weddings I travel to or aren’t where the bride/groom live. I send something before or after. Who wants to drag gifts with them as giver or recipient?

        I don’t think it’s rude, I think it’s an oversight. And it’s premature in any event.

        • They have these things called online registries where you order the gift online and it ships automatically to an address designated by the bride and groom. Magic!

          • I think that’s what the poster above does. It’s what I do, at any rate (I’ve never brought an actual gift with me to the wedding).

          • That’s what I’m doing for a friends wedding, but I still brought a card with the print out of what I had purchased for her so she say it and knew to expect it.

        • SarahJames :

          I think she’s responding to the fact that I said I worried some of the cards got lost. I suspect that’s not the case, but about 50% of our gifts were checks in cards given at the wedding. Maybe it’s an NYC thing? We’ve gotten maybe 7 gifts post-wedding, one or two of those from the registry.

      • married 1.5 :

        I agree that no gift is incredibly rude. Honestly, we had a small wedding so I remember what everyone gave, and I remember the ones who didn’t. We are not “stuff” people, so it’s not about the thing, it’s about the love. My grandmother gave me a used blender a couple weeks before the ceremony (“we have an extra, would you like it”) and it’s still a sore spot. Partly because she always talks about how classy she is and how classless the world had become, but partly because it hurts my feelings.

        My husband’s brothers also did not give anything, although one did at least give a card, and I really don’t care for them or their wives now.

        I’m not saying either of these will be permanent rifts, but our feelings are definitely hurt.

        • anonymous :

          On some level, it definitely is about the stuff and the meaning that you attach to it. I just can’t imagine ever feeling more “loved” because someone got me a wedding gift or “thought of me” enough to buy a wedding gift. It seems like your (and SarahJames’) feelings are hurt because there’s some amount of equating stuff/gifts with love, even if it’s just that you feel like it means they thought of you. I just don’t ascribe an importance to gifts at all, so I wouldn’t think twice about it if someone didn’t bring us a wedding gift as long as they showed up or otherwise acknowledged it in their way (and this has happened)

          That said, I always buy thoughtful wedding gifts for others. And truly, it’s because I know it’s expected of me and there’s not one iota of love or “thinking of you” in it. I show love and thinking of you stuff in different ways. I just give gifts because I know it’s expected and I don’t want to be rude. So I’d be careful equating gifts with love.

      • It’s a wedding. You give a gift if you attend (it’s supposed to help defray the cost of your meal). Geez, I traveled to Japan AND got gifts for the brides. It’s just what a civilized person does.

        • A wedding gift is in no way supposed to “defray” the cost of a meal. A gift is a gift, and guests should not be expected to pay for entry to a party to which they have been invited. Where did this idea come from?

    • I think it depends what kind of wedding you had. If you expected a lot from people it’s certainly rude but not absurd. If on the other hand you had a show up, sit through 3 minutes of ceremony and then drink and eat for hours wedding, then no gift is unacceptable.

      • SarahJames :

        We had a 150 person, sit down dinner reception. Your basic run of the mill biggish wedding. One of the friends who didn’t give a gift, had his wife just not show with not explanation given, and still hasn’t thanked me for the gift we gave them (after traveling cross-country to attend their wedding) 8 months ago!

        • Be honest with yourself: did you have a long ceremony, did you have a cash bar, was your wedding in a non urban center, did you have multiple locations, did you have a crazy dress code, did you have your wedding on a holiday weekend? All those things can and do rub people the wrong way.

          • All of the things that KittyKat listed are things that would factor into my decision of whether or not to attend a wedding, not whether or not to give a gift/card. If I attend, I give a gift. Full stop.

          • “long ceremony” = This seems like a dig at Catholic weddings. If a Catholic person having the ceremony of their religion rubs people the wrong way, those people should stay home.

          • SarahJames :

            Well, honestly, I think that’s all ridiculous. I would never not give a gift because someone had a long ceremony or a cash bar. That would factor into whether I would go (well, only the remote location or date part), but if you go to a wedding, you give a gift.

            And no, we had a 15 min ceremony, a full open bar, and were within an hour of NYC, where we and 75% of our guests live.

          • To Anon at 10:56 :

            Lots of religions (or no religion at all) can have long ceremonies. You’re being touchy about Catholicism, and it’s weird.

          • Totally weird about Cathlocisim – I’m agnostic and Catholic weddings are SHORT compared to some other religions.

    • Hrmmm… I am the MOH for my best friend’s upcoming wedding. I am going to get her a few smaller gifts for her shower and the wedding, but after paying for the majority of the shower, kicking in for the bachelorette party, paying for my dress, hair, nails, etc. I’m looking at a couple thousand dollars in expenses. It’s possible the bridesmaids feel like being in the wedding with all the expenses is their gift, though I’d think at a minimum they should have given a heartfelt card (with or without money or a token gift).

      • SarahJames :

        Well, my mother and sister (MOH) paid for my (modest) shower so my bridesmaids just attended. I didn’t make them do hair or nails so they didn’t pay for that. And my bachelorette was basically a night out in the city–not free, but not as extravagant as what I have hosted for each of them. When I was in each of their weddings, I was living out of state so I paid to travel for each party, hosted many of them without their family’s help, and still managed, as a student, to buy them gifts. I also gave each bridesmaid two gifts at the wedding and a nice note.

        • SarahJames, I just want to say – it seems like you’ve been very considerate and understanding and what your friends did was wrong. It was. They may have reasons – they may not – but they were wrong. And, yes, it’s a little petty, but it’s human to feel the way you are, and I co-sign your feelings and support you. All these people giving reasons as to why someone wouldn’t give a gift, it’s all crap. With your wedding and what it seems you’ve been willing to do for your friends – they are being crappy. I wish you were one of my friends, because you seem very thoughtful. I agree with Anon at 10:53. You attend a wedding, you give a gift, full stop. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but you do it. Full stop.

          • Yep, this says it . I agree. It is customary and most people want to give gifts. And I enjoy remembering that a particular gift I use gave from a particular friend or relative.

          • SarahJames :

            Thank you, I appreciate that! I’m letting it go…just needed to vent a bit! Thanks–you sound like you’re a good friend yourself!

          • I agree with this. I can’t imagine not sending a gift for a wedding I attended – in fact, I can’t imagine not sending a gift for any wedding I was _invited_ to. I think it would be terribly rude. I also think this idea that “just attending” was the gift is nonsense and laziness by people who are not thoughtful enough to at least write a card recognizing the event (unless she had asked people to travel some great distance, which she did not). I don’t care how strapped you are financially, you can afford a pen, paper and the time to write a note for the bride and groom – even if that’s the only thing you can afford. Remembering to send a gift or a note for a wedding you attended? That is part of being an adult.

          • Also co-signed. I spent $1400 traveling to Maui, then $500–1000 more in expenses, at least $400 for the bachelorette and still gave a token gift (6 months later). Stupid girl doesn’t even text on my birthdays anymore.

          • Just wanted to say that I agree with this, and understand that you’re feeling hurt.

      • My bridesmaids chipped in and did a group gift. I thought it was really sweet, since they did all the other bridesmaidly stuff as well. FWIW my sister was my MOH and gave me something on top of the group gift, and it was sentimental and very sweet. Probably costly, too, which makes me feel icky because she was a just-finished-undergrad at the time unemployed actress ;)

    • They did acknowledge your wedding. By coming and celebrating with you. I get that it sucks a little but you have to let it go.

      • SarahJames :

        Totally true.

      • Diagree. Even if they decided not to give a physical gift for whatever reason (I always gave gifts when I traveled even as a broke law student, but whatever), it’s inexcusable not to get a card. It costs $2 and fits in your purse. It shows a total lack of adulthood to not even be able to pull that off.

        • This x 1000

        • antsmarching :

          This!

        • Inexcusable? So what, she should cut them out of her life? Give them the cold shoulder for a few months? Tell them how hurt she is that she didn’t get a wedding present from them? Realistically, the best (and really only acceptable) thing for her to do is Let It Go. Even if it was rude that they didn’t get a gift, hopefully that is not the determining factor in their friendship. And if it is, maybe it wasn’t much of a friendship after all.

          • Anonymous :

            Inexcusable = there is no excuse. That means we stop speculating “oh well maybe the train ride was just sooooo financially burdensome for them that they couldn’t bear getting a card” or maybe they’re one of the [email protected] people in this thread who take it upon themselves to declare that cards aren’t necessary without considering whether the honoree might appreciate them.

            It’s a stretch to say it means cut them out or give them the cold shoulder over just this. But it does seem like they’re pretty immature and/or self-absorbed, and if that manifests in other ways the friendship may take a hit. If this was an isolated incident, move on and forget about it.

        • Honestly, yes I personally would cut such “friends” out of my life without any regrets. It’s not about the gifts after all, it’s about the most basic of manners.

          • Ha ha ha ha. You would cut friends out of your life for not getting you a card. That seems quite drastic and spiteful.

          • oh good grief.

            this is the sort of crap sentiment that is all over this thread explains why every third day in the summer there’s a post on this site from some poor chick who is agonizing about whether she should spend her emergency fund to go to some girl’s wedding or try to back out. heaven forbid she be cut out of someone’s life because she doesn’t have the most *basic of manners*.

    • My best friend got married a couple of years ago. I hosted her shower and went to her destination wedding, which involved an 8 hour flight and several nights of hotel. I considered these to be my gifts to her; I didn’t buy a gift for her. I’ve never thought that I should have given more or less.

      On the other hand, a much less good friend got married in the city where we live and I drove 15 minutes to get to her wedding and spent the night afterward at my own house. I gave her a gift costing about $250. Again, I never thought that I should have given more or less.

      Traveling (even a short distance) for someone’s wedding is a substantial expense of time and money, especially if hotels are involved. If people came to your wedding and stayed one or more nights in a hotel, consider their presence to be the gift. And even if they didn’t travel or didn’t have to spend money on hotels, please try to let this issue go. Their friendships are more valuable than picture frames, dishes, or vases they may have bought for you.

      • SarahJames :

        I feel the need to clarify–we didn’t have a destination wedding. We got married an hour from where we live (which is, in my experience, the norm in NYC because it’s crazy expensive to get married in the city). People who live in NYC (about 75% of our guests) could take a $20 roundtrip train ride to get there. Most stayed in hotels because they wanted to not worry about getting back that night (though it ended early). I didn’t expect anyone to travel far for the wedding (except my immediate family, who, yes, I expected to be there). But I did expect that people who attended would get a gift–or at least that most would. I think what’s hard for me is that SO MANY didn’t. If it were a handful, I’d chalk it up to forgetfulness, but 40% of my friends is kind of a lot. An entire table in one case.

        All that said, I’ve always given gifts for weddings–even when I don’t attend. I would be mortified to have forgotten to give a gift to a wedding I did attend.

        • You are being a bit of a brat about the whole thing. You obviously view your past participation in your friends’ weddings as some sort of tit-for-tat exchange wherein you traveled and shelled out and gifted, but only because you expected they would someday do the same. That’s not how this is supposed to work.

          Should your friends have written you a card? Absolutely. Is it worth feeling so hurt and upset that four months later you are defending your outrage to internet strangers? Probably not. Try to work out why you’re so upset — do you feel like it’s unfair? Rude? A sign they don’t love you as much as you love them? Did you just really want the gifts? It could easily be a combination of some or all of these factors, but it’s worth figuring out why this cuts you so deeply.

          I was so happy to have all the people I loved celebrate ourwedding that I didn’t care at all which of my friends followed the proper etiquette.

          • SarahJames :

            Well, you must be a much better person than I am @Anonymous! Thanks for the name-calling!

          • Anonymous 2 :

            This, x 1000. You’re dwelling on the gifts an awful lot for stated reasons that don’t make a lot of sense- that they didn’t acknowledge your wedding. But they did; they were there to share the day with you.

          • Twinkletoes :

            This. Anonymous is calling it as she sees it and she’s right. You’re being a brat. If these people were close friends that didn’t even attend the wedding, I could see your side. But these people “acknowledged” your day by actually showing up and spending their *day* on you.

          • Anonymous. You almost had me going there for a bit. But clearly you’re just on looking for a rise. Well done.

          • Anonymous (11:34) :

            I really and truly wasn’t. Maybe the whole response would have been more effective without the first sentence, but that response (in its entirety) is for sure what I’d say to my sister or best friend who was presenting the problem the way SarahJames has.

            I’m not trying to be harsh, but I don’t know how to get around that she is literally comparing what she’s done for these people in the past with what she’s received. She calculated the percentage of her friends who failed to honor her wedding enough. She repeated that 40% multiple times on this thread. She feels how she feels, and I feel badly that she’s so hurt by this — I was just suggesting maybe she should try to understand why.

          • SarahJames :

            The 40% was an estimate–it was a little less than half. I also think you’re overstating how upset I am. I said I was upset by it but trying to move on, and wanted a reality check. But just because I know I need to move on doesn’t mean that I’m not right to find it rude. I never said I found it unforgiveable–I just found it rude.

    • A Practical Wedding had a very wise response to this issue a few months ago:

      http://apracticalwedding.com/2014/07/friends-didnt-bring-a-wedding-gift/

    • I would be very offended as well. I think at least a card acknowledging a friend’s wedding is expected. Perhaps not everyone is in a position to give a gift but a $1.00 card with well wishes (that can be picked up at any store on the way to the wedding) is not too much to expect from close friends or even acquaintances who actually came to the wedding.
      I got married 6 months ago and agree that some gifts will come after the wedding–but not more than a few within the next several months in my case. But even those people who sent us gifts after the wedding, still left a card at the wedding. In fact, I was genuinely surprised to get those gifts later because I thought the cards were enough.

      • Agree completely that at least a card acknowledging friend’s wedding is the least any invited guest should do. If a guest goes to the wedding, it only takes an extra 5-10 minutes to detour to a drugstore or supermarket, buy a card, and write “congrats on getting married” and give it to the newlyweds.

        • I seriously don’t get this…. The friends attended the wedding, isn’t that acknowledgement enough? I’ve never been to a wedding that didn’t cost me way more to attend than any gift I could/would have gotten them. So I tell them all my warm and fuzzy things in person instead of giving them a card. I really do not get this, since it’s clear that the wedding/marriage was acknowledged

    • WestCoast Lawyer :

      Your post reminds me that I still really need to get a gift for a close friend (although I guess I technically have a few months left). Just to put it out there, I am the worst at buying wedding gifts for my closest friends, particularly if there’s nothing on their registry and in my price range that I feel like is special enough. This is definitely a case of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, and I know I should just get them something and be done with it, but I keep thinking “gee, they are like family to me and I want to get them something I know they will love and cherish forever.” Maybe if you frame it this way it will bother you less.

      • Sorry but the fact that you can’t find something is a bad excuse. This couple has actually made a big list of items so that you don’t have to *find* them a gift, it’s called a registry. It may be something that’s boring like a colander – but then they’ll think of you every time they make spaghetti. I don’t care who you are, everyone eats spaghetti more often than they use their fine china.

    • I’ve had friends do similar things and I do think less of them for it. It’s not that I really cared about the gifts, it’s more about the token acknowledgement, but I think the reason is just that they were being self-centered and thoughtless. They’re not poor people, this is customary among our social groups, but they didn’t feel like doing it. There’s really nothing you can do, but realize that this is the way they are. If you said something subtle, you’d probably still feel bad whether they did or didn’t give you a gift, so there’s not really a point.

      • SarahJames :

        True–which is why I’m not going to say anything. But it does make me think a little less of some of my friends, which is unfortunate. Trying to focus on the love I felt at the wedding.

        • “Trying to focus on the love I felt at the wedding.”

          Are you? Because it really seems like you just want more stuff. Honestly, is a new set of napkins really going to make you think that your friends love you more than the fact that they took their time and money to go to your wedding and, in your own words, showed you love at the wedding?

        • nylon girl :

          Hello, I’m with you Sarah James. In my opinion, no gift or a card is just plain rude.

    • I traveled for friend’s wedding a couple summers ago and it cost $500+. Which is WAY more than I would ever spend on any wedding gift. I didn’t get her a gift, because honestly the $500 was out of my budget but I spent it because we are friends and I wanted to be there for her wedding. I hate to think she doesn’t think I acknowledged her wedding. I took time off work, drove across four states to get there, and spent a crap ton of money on a hotel in the super expensive city she lives in.

      Traveling can be very expensive, is what I’m saying. Maybe consider that your gift from those people?

    • This happened to me too. There are quite a few guests who haven’t given gifts for my wedding and although I know they have a year (per etiquette rules), I just somehow think that it’s less likely they’ll give gifts as time goes on. It makes no sense to me because I would NEVER attend a wedding, regardless of how long the ceremony is, how far away it is, how annoying it is, etc., without giving a gift. That being said, I’m sure we both just need to let it go, although I know I’ll be annoyed when it’s my turn to buy a gift for these people at their weddings.

    • Add this to the list of reasons I would be happy to never be invited to another wedding in my life.

      My plan is to do a courthouse wedding (or a reception that is super quick and simple and not really part of the celebration) and then throw a BBQ/casual party for my friends. I don’t care if people get me gifts, I don’t care if people get me cards, I care if they came and had a good time. You can consider it rude that they didn’t get a gift or bring a card and you can let the friendship suffer for it or you can remember the joy of your actual wedding and seeing the people you care about sharing in your joy. That is your choice and your choice alone – I respectfully suggest you go with the later.

      • bananagram :

        If it’s a one-time thing, I’d try to let it go. We all want (and deserve) friends who value us and are willing to give us their time and energy. If this is part of a pattern where you consistently feel under-valued by these folks then keep it in mind for future interactions with them.

      • I fully agree with the sentiment expressed here.

    • Does anyone else think cards are a regional thing, or at least not a Southeastern thing? I have never done them (always send a gift); we received a couple at our wedding. It never occurred to me that not giving one would be rude.

      • Agreed.

        Not much to add on this whole matter except that, after I was through with the process of writing thank-you notes, I honestly could not tell you which friends sent me gifts for our wedding and which did not. And several years later, I absolutely could not tell you who got us what other than a few gifts.

    • “also don’t know how to not feel hurt by so many of my friends not acknowledging our wedding. Trying to focus on the fact that many of them traveled from out of state for it…”

      These two statements are inconsistent. Someone who flew out of state to attend your wedding acknowledged your wedding (and they may have broken the bank to do s0).

    • Another Recent Bride :

      SarahJames I’m 100% on your side, I know other posters agreed throughout the thread, but just wanted to add another vote to this column. As we’ve found on this s!te, many of these wedding issues are regional – I’m in your region and you are right.

      We did actually receive a few gifts in the 8-12 month range, but not from everyone. Also, I wrote thank you cards to every single person who attended my wedding – either thanks for coming/gift, thanks for gift (for non-attendees), or thanks for coming. In my view, it’s a breach of etiquette on your part not to send a thank you note for attendance – if their presence is really their present, why wouldn’t you acknowledge that in the same manner as every other gift received?

      • purplepear :

        I concur. I think it’s rude. This thread is out of control with anon posters.

    • Wow. I am glad I’m not your friend, especially one of the ones you are now “thinking less of”. Friendship is not keeping a tally of who sent this gift.

  4. Need to vent: I’m seriously concerned that snow-pocalypse is going go prevent me from finding a place in time to move out of my rental :( There are like no condos listing in Boston for the past month. I really hope it picks up soon! All those of you also buying right now, how have you found it?

    • Force Majeure :

      Any chance your rental agreement has a force majeure clause and that you can invoke it for snow-pocalypse to turn your rental into a month-to-month until you can get out?

      • I can actually go month-t0-month on it…for a pretty hefty premium (like an extra $400 more than I’m paying now per month, plus the company would be able to raise the price any time they wanted if I need more than one month). It’s not great, but you’re right, at least I have somewhat of an out.

        • I’d jump at the chance to go month-to-month if you can. It’s expensive, but it will be worth it in the long run to take the time to find a condo that you like and not feel rushed about the process. Also, with the shortage of listings right now, there will probably be some fierce bidding wars, so having the flexibility on closing will give you a little bit of bargaining leverage.

          • Also, wouldn’t the landlord have trouble replacing you if you did move out given the snow?

    • Anonymous :

      Talk to your landlord. It’s not like they’ll be able to find someone to move in given the weather. Maybe they’ll negotiate.

  5. Staff Attorney :

    Does anyone know whether arbitrators (like those with JAMS or AAA) have staff attorneys? I’ve looked online and can’t find any information about this. Perhaps the arbitrators do write their own opinions, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there are staff attorneys (like career law clerks for judges) who do the writing for them.

    • Sure some of them do. It varies. I know for major corporate arbitrations I’ve been involved with the arbitrator has sometimes has a couple associates helping them.

    • The arbitrators we’ve used have not had staff attorneys but have had students or associates help them, depending on what else they do (e.g., we’ve had a law professor as an arbitrator and he mentioned his student research assistant; we’ve had a law firm partner who mentioned his associate who was working on the matter with him).

    • I deal with a lot of labor arbitrators and have never heard of one with a staff attorney. On occasion, they may have someone working as essentially an apprentice for a period of time to gain experience and maybe entree into the field (and there are one or two older arbitrators who are rumored to use others in their law firm or office-hearing arrangement to ghostwrite for them). Things may be different in commercial or securities arbitration.

    • Some do. The big international arbitrations’ arbitrators have attorneys that work with them. But it’s my understanding that they are mostly associates that work in their same law firm rather than their clerk.

      That said, the World Bank has openings posted at least a few times a year for staff attorneys to work at ICSID, if investment arbitration is your thing.

    • I worked with many arbitrators and never met one with a staff attorney. Many have had apprentices or law students with them for the experience. In my state (MN) labor arbitrators are required to apprentice for awhile to get certified, even retires judges do apprenticeships for awhile.

    • I’ve worked with JAMS twice (both panels with multiple arbitrators) and there were no staff attorneys, but they did have law clerks (students).

  6. I realize that it’s some kind of rule that it is/should be DH’s job to deal with my in-laws as it pertains to things that affect me. In my case, DH is perfectly willing to handle these things, but encourages me to do them because we have noticed that they generally respond much better to me and I’m able to get better results. I would generally like to be less involved with his family, as they’re sort of heinous. Should I be concerned that I’m inviting more trouble than I’m solving by handling these things myself? I’d really, really rather not be involved, but I do find it compelling that I seem to be best equipped to handle these issues. If it were you, would you rather concede a more contentious relationship with your inlaws than have to get involved every time something goes wrong?

    • Wildkitten :

      Are the things you are fixing worth getting individually invested with these heinous people?

      • I honestly don’t know. I mean the issues are pretty huge, and if we were family-oriented people, the answer would definitely be yes. I realize this is unconventional, but we’re really considering indefinite avoidance as an alternative, and we’ve already done that with some relatives. It’s more me avoiding, but he does his fair share as well. So I guess it depends on how possible it is for me to never see them again. Probably more so than not.

    • I’d like my partner to step it up, acknowledge what I’m doing better, and try to do the same. Not all the time but at least sometimes to lift the burden.

      • Hmm. I think part of it is that they’re more receptive and open to any non-DH party.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I would rather have a more tense relationship with my in-laws where my husband is in charge of managing them than a more peaceful relationship that I have to be more directly involved in. Especially if I didn’t particularly like them.

      Also, if you get more involved at this stage, life changes may affect your willingness to have a leading role in that relationship as well, which can lead to a tense relationship. My husband’s brother is really bad at communicating, so BIL’s wife took over basic communication/social calendar with my in-laws. Almost immediately post-kids she didn’t want that role anymore and BIL didn’t pick it back up. MIL has been really passive aggressive about it for the past 5 years, and the tension is palpable when we’re all together.

    • I suspect they respond better to you because they feel less comfortable around you than around your DH. If you keep acting as the heavy for you and your DH this effect will probably disappear. (Note that I withdraw this comment if, for example, you’ve been married 20 years and you’ve gotten better results the entire time.)

      • Yeah. My out-laws can be difficult but when I am around, they are on their good behavior, at least so far. You may not yet be familiar enough to them to receive the brunt of their contempt. If I were you, I’d want to preserve that at all costs for as long as possible.

      • Agree — this is probably a temporary improvement, and in a short while you and DH will start getting similar treatment.

    • AnonAnti-IL :

      I’ve been there. Just back off. Follow Husband’s lead. There’s a reason why he doesn’t deal with these people the way you could and the way you prefer. You’re not winning any friends with people you’re not close to, anyway (the in-laws) and you’re probably stressing out DH because it’s causing change to his foundational relationships – the ones that prepped him and taught him to be ready for you. Unless it’s an emergency, or something so, so minor, just follow Husband’s lead when dealing with his family.

      • Well the real issue here is DH wants me to take the lead, not that I care much how he deals with things. He’s not really taking the lead and he’d rather I do it because he says I do it better. Thus far, that’s probably true, but all else equal, I’d rather not. Incidentally, this all started because his family started seeking me out as the person to work through issues with, so I didn’t invite it and even though I agree with you that I should back off now, I’m not really sure how to.

        • Anon in NYC :

          Direct them to your husband, or say “we’ll get back to you after I discuss it with DH.” Then tell DH get back to them because you’re not going to do so.

    • Seventh Sister :

      As a person who has very difficult in-laws, I would encourage you to have your spouse deal with spouse’s parents as much as possible. My in-laws tried to suck me into their drama when we were first married, but stopped when they realized that I was going to run their crazy scheme / command performance / complicated holiday demand by my spouse every.single.time.

      Even if they start out reasonable (like my in-laws did), that goodwill tends to disintegrate over time. My narcissist MIL thought I was this sweet little cupcake who would just do whatever she said without complaining. Now she’s scared of me because I’m “mean” and don’t do what she says I should do.

      If you decide to be the point person for the in-laws, being point person could be your job for the rest of your marriage.

  7. Off to Bali for the long weekend….yay! Happy Lunar New Year to all those who celebrate.

  8. I just sent my boss on his coffee break after I gave him the option of meeting before or after coffee. He said that my meeting will probably make him angry so he’ll go get coffee and come back in a good mood to deal with my project. He said that he liked the way I think.

    I want my underlings to send me on coffee breaks.

    • Way to manage up. I just want minions

    • Why will your meeting make him angry?

    • Ha ha. We used to make my boss take naps.

      • Greatest assistant I ever had left a note for her replacement with detailed instructions on reminding me to eat and a list of appropriate foods to purchase as my ability to coherently ask for allergy safe foods I like diminishes after too long without foods. My appreciation for her was limitless!

  9. DVF Question :

    Can anyone comment on how DVF sheaths fit compared to wraps?

    I am finding that an 8 wrap is too big on top, but an 8 sheath is very body-con (so I’d get a 10). Just wondering for this dress. I couldn’t ever find my right size in the Bentley dress, but I like one of the ceramic sheaths on the DVF site right now (but this might be a good lower-cost alternative).

    Also, how returnable are things at Last Call?

    • Can someone tell me how DVF fits in comparison to brands like JCrew or BR? I might buy this dress buy I’ve never bought anything DVF before.

      • DVF Question :

        I’m a 4/4P in BR and nowhere near a DVF 4. I’ve had some mail order luck (and lack thereof), so I’m stumped. But in general: larger. I seem to be more flatchested (30D) than they design for, but I have ample hips and a bit of tummy relative to my top.

        • Dude, in what world is 30D flat chested.

          Who are they designing for Dolly Parton?

          • Smaller bandsize means a 30D ultimately has less volume than a 36D. But…I wouldn’t call it flat chested by any means.

          • DVF Question :

            The volume of 30D is 36B on much smaller ribs. So not a lot on top and no shoulders. And when you have to size for your hips, the top can easily flop around. I agree — not flat-chested, but not the figure most patterns envision.

      • I have to go a whole size larger in DvF compared to J Crew and BR, primarily to accommodate a not-so-flat tummy. I have a pretty slim lower body and find that, even in the larger size, her sheath dresses are fitted through the hips and thigh.

        • Should an hourglass shaped person go up 2 sizes then?

          • Snowbound :

            I’m a 33-26-35, and I wear a 4 in DvF. I wear a 0 in J. Crew and Brooks Brothers and a 0/2 in Kate Spade, if that helps.

          • Yes, though it may require tailoring at the waist. Not sure if it’s worth it to you.

    • Yes, size up from BR. Lastcall dot com items can be returned to lastcall stores within a timeframe. 30 days?

  10. Changing my name :

    I will be changing my name when I marry (to First, Middle, HisLast, if it matters), and I seem to recall someone here mentioning a good website/resource for a checklist of how to change your name on various documents/the best order to do things in/etc. Searched to no avail. Anyone remember what that was?

    Thanks in advance!

    • I used MissNowMrs dot com and found it helpful. Worth the $30 to me for a guide to the process.

    • I don’t, but I googled it, pulled up three checklists and cross referenced to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. I changed my drivers license first, then with that all my banks/credit cards, then my social security (just because it took a few days before I had time to get to this), then my health insurance, and then everything else as it came up (other insurance, store email lists, facebook, doctor/dentist records). It’s been 6 months and I still need to do my passport.

      • Changing my name :

        Thank you both! I’ll need to do passport fairly early on because I travel overseas regularly for business, so I’ll look into changing that as soon as DL and SS# are done. Appreciate the responses!

        • 15 years ago, I had to change the social security card first before the DMV would process the name change. Look at your DMV website to see if there is a frequently asked questions section that addresses this – I was pretty grumpy to have waited in line for 1+ hours only to be told I had to go to Social Security first.

          • Anon from above :

            I almost added this. I think different states have requirements on whether you have to/can do the drivers license or social security card first. In my state I just had to have the marriage license at the DMV so I did that first, which seemed to be easier because I then immediately had a photo ID in hand with my correct name on it.

          • Changing my name :

            Thank you!

          • anon-oh-no :

            i was going to say the same thing. I did this 10 years ago in NY, but I was not permitted to change my DL until the SSC was changed

  11. Elder Law Attorneys - DC :

    Does anyone have any recommendations for a lawyer specializing in elder law in the DC area? I anticipate going through a contentious battle with family over the care of a parent and would like to make sure they are protected. Thanks!

  12. I’m on the other side of the wedding gifts question above. I’ve given gifts for every wedding I’ve attended except one… the wedding of two of my closest friends from college, who got married to each other about 6 years ago. I was in grad school at the time, and money was tight, so I didn’t get a gift before the wedding, and then I forgot until enough time had passed that I was too embarrassed about my omission to send one. I love them both dearly and still feel really bad about it. They live far away from me, but I have kept in touch with them regularly and I’m pretty sure they know that I care about them and they are important to me. They have a child now, and I sent them a baby gift and then flew across the country to visit them and meet the baby. I certainly plan to send gifts for all of their life events going forward. At this point, is there any point to apologizing/sending them something/acknowledging my lack of a wedding gift in in some way? Do you think they would still remember/care after all these years?

    • You definitely remember/care much more than they did. And considering you were a grad student at the time and a close friend, I’m sure they understood.

      But since this has gnawing at you for so long, how about sending them a belated “wedding” gift on their 10th anniversary when it comes up? Or since you are anxious now and may not be able to wait 10 years, how about do it for their next anniversary? You can include a cute card and an “apology”. I recommend a gift certificate for an experience they can enjoy… their favorite restaurant, tickets to the opera, whatever they like to do…

      Promising to send them gifts for the rest of their life sounds a bit… extreme. You do not deserve this punishment.

    • If they had remembered the lack of a wedding gift at all, you’ve more than proven yourself to be a caring and generous friend by your subsequent actions. Think of it this way – what if you had a really friend that never congratulated you on finishing grad school, but the next year took you out to dinner for your birthday? Yeah, you might not completely forget her oversight for a few years, but it would be petty to hold that against her when she’s shown that she cares in the future.

    • I will say, we do remember the one friend who did not give us a gift for our wedding, but only because he was the only one and a bit of a flake so it kind of became a running joke. We certainly don’t dwell on it or hold it against him. But if it’s bothering you I like Carrie’s idea of an anniversary gift with a cute card – not “OMG I’m so sorry and I’m the worst friend” but more lighthearted.

    • My H and I do remember the one guest who didn’t give us a gift (and one guest who gave us a gift really late) so your friend may remember (depends on the size of the wedding/how remarkable it was to not receive a gift). In our case the non-gift giver was H’s close friend who we are still in touch with, and if he ever said to us “hey by the way, sorry I didn’t get you a wedding gift way back then” I would think that was pretty big of him. As of right now we just chalk him up to being lazy/forgetful but we love him anyway. So I doubt they’re holding it against you, but why not bring it up if you’re still thinking about it?

  13. Dealing with the silent treatment :

    Does anyone have any tips for how to deal with a self-involved “friend” who gives you the silent treatment for minor arguments? I’m mostly looking for ways to make myself less mad about it all…it’s so frustrating and yet, it’s hard to throw away a >20 year friendship over it. Do people who give the silent treatment ever change/mature (in your experience) or am I better off looking for new friends?

    ETA: Apologies if this posts multiple times, but it doesn’t seem to be showing up (despite me receiving a duplicate message).

    • Dude, you need to dump your friend. Full Stop.

    • Depends on how minor the arguments in question are. But I think it boils down to whether they are a bad friend or you are.

    • Clementine :

      So someone once told me this, and I’ve used it to deal with difficult people, family members, etc.

      If someone walks up to you and kicks you in the shins, what’s your reaction? Mad, hurt, questioning why they did this, wondering if you deserved it, embarrassed, scared, etc., right?

      If a five year old walks up to you and kicks you in the shins, what’s your reaction? For most people it’s still surprising and hurts as much, but hey- they’re only five. What can you expect sometimes?

      Some people are always that five year old. Rather than letting yourself spiral into the self doubt and negativity of the first scenario, realize that it can still hurt and you can acknowledge that, but sometimes- that’s just who they are.

      • This! Sometimes responding like she’s a 5 year old can lead to positive results. In this case, ignore her when she gives the silent treatment. She’s doing it because she wants attention and wants you to be apologetic, try to make it up to her, etc. If you don’t engage in her games and wait for her to contact you, she’ll either change her behavior (win!) or just stop contacting you (also win!).

  14. I joined a volunteer group that involves a large number of people all over the country. They rely heavily on email to communicate with one another and have a tendency to abuse the “reply all” function for emails that don’t need to go to the whole email list. I have had over 100 emails in one day and it is making me nuts. As I am brand new to the group, I am not going to ask them to change their practices to accommodate me. Is there a function in gmail that anyone is aware of that will allow me to automatically send certain emails (or emails from certain people) into a specific folder so they aren’t clogging up my email?

    • You want Filters in Gmail. First, create a folder/label for the mail to go to.

      Then, choose Settings. Click the filters tab. At the bottom, choose “Create a new filter”.

    • nyc nonprofit party wardrobe problem? :

      if it’s a google group you can change your setting to the digest version as well and just get it weekly.

    • Yes- create a label for the group, then use filters to apply the label and “skip the inbox”
      You can filter by person, by email address, by subject line or by keyword. If you hit a message at the beginning of the flood, use “filter messages like this” to filter everything with that subject line and then the rest of the chain won’t go in your inbox, but you can still see how many new messages there are because the label for the group on the left will be bold with a number of new messages.
      https://support.google.com/mail/answer/6579?hl=en

      • I cannot express enough gratitude for this. I am a type A person who needs a clean email box and was about to lose it over this.

        • For an extra fancy gmail trick, try adding periods – for instance, I give out megmurry @ email most of the time, but meg.murry to places I think might generate extra spam-ish stuff, but also legit messages (like on my resume that is posted online on Monster etc)
          Both megmurry@ and meg.murry@ go to the same gmail account, but I can filter or flag all messages sent to meg.murry separately. There is also a whole separate level of adding a +string to your address to take this to another level for mailing lists etc, but I found it easier yo have a separate throwaway gmail address for that that I only check once a week or so.
          http://gmailblog.blogspot.com/2008/03/2-hidden-ways-to-get-more-from-your.html?m=1

      • Anonymous :

        I believe you can also “mute” conversations in Gmail so that further replies won’t show up as new. I’ve never actually had occasion to use it though, because my issue is with people who don’t use Reply (or Reply all) but rather start a new e-mail for e-mails that in substance are replies, or must start new e-mails for every separate thought (yet all sent in a span of 5 minutes). They don’t use Gmail so they don’t understand the value of threaded conversations and how the separate e-mails throw it off. I’m looking at you, older relatives who I love anyway but who have spurred me to request from Gmail multiple times the ability to manually group separate messages into a single conversation. Gotta love it.

  15. Litigatorix :

    Has anyone successfully transitioned from a litigation position to in house corporate counsel? If so, is there a way to characterize my litigation skills as being helpful to a more transactional position? I want to make the transition to an in house position, and I am getting ready to apply to one but I am stumped about what to include in my cover letter. This new position would be a reach for me, but I am hopeful I will at least get a chance to interview!

    • Are you at a place where you can get some business or transactional experience, even if it’s just reviewing contracts? I would focus on those skills and your ability to “spot issues” and come up with creative solutions, etc. Just portray yourself as an all around good athlete and it will help. Knowing someone at the new company will also get you much farther than just submitting your resume, so try and reach out to your network and find any connection you can with the company.

  16. j crew v theory? :

    I need a new suit (well, really two or three, but I will start with one). I have been wearing J. Crew but have not been quite satisfied with the fit or quality. It must be a skirt suit because I am allergic to wool and no one lines their pants anymore, not even Brooks Brothers. I am contemplating taking the plunge and ordering a Theory suit from Nordstrom, since no stores in my area carry the brand. Is the quality really worth it? Will the fit be any better for a straight-up-and-down figure? And how far should I go up in size? I am between sizes in J. Crew, which is causing most of my fit issues. I am not sure whether to try the larger of the two sizes between which I fall in J. Crew, or to go up another size.

    • IMO, Theory is not worth it and they do not line their items either. Consider Boss suits.

      • +1 I see no noticeable difference in quality between Theory and JCrew suiting – perhaps the Theory fabric is a little smoother, but neither uses a lining.

    • Rural Juror :

      Personally I don’t find much difference in the quality of the two. For sizing I usually go up one full size for Theory so if you are between two sizes at JCrew you will probably also be between sizes at Theory. Sorry this probably hasn’t helped you at all!

    • Yes, Theory is worth it. It’ all about the fit. Theory suits look so sharp and modern, nothing else compares.

    • DVF Question :

      BR lines their wool pants. If they released some other colors or styles (BR: ARE YOU READING THIS???) I would buy the whole set: dress + jacket + skirt + PANTS.

      Also: check out pendleton — high quality and they line their pants (as does Lafayette). Neither brand fits me well, but it’s better fabric / construction than what you usually get.

    • I posted this a while ago, but I am SO pleased with the dress suits I purchased from the Limited. I get compliments every time I wear them and the sheath dress part of the suit is machine washable (!). They are fully lined and flattering.

    • Anonymous :

      Love my Theory suits, hate the one J Crew suit I ever bought. The quality is not that drastically different but the fit is 1000x better. Like you, I’m straight-ish figured and in between j crew sizes. The Theory suits fit me perfectly, super flattering, no tailoring at all. I could never get my j crew suit to fit me quite right, even with tailoring.

      NOTE: I’ve had issues with ALL of my Theory skirts (tiny tear in weird place, zipper broke after a couple wears) but they’ve required minor fixes. It’s annoying because it’s a $200 skirt that shouldn’t have those issues, but I also have yet to find another suit that I like as much, so I put up with it. And once I fixed the issue, they’ve lasted forever.

      Order one size up from your normal size for Theory. Also, like others have said, the skirts aren’t lined.

  17. Can anyone comment on the J.Crew flats currently being offered? I’m looking for some stylish flats and I was wondering if anyone can speak to the quality, comfort, etc. Recommendations for other flats in a similar price range are welcome too.

    • anonymous :

      I have the Harper scalloped flat in suede. They’re very cute and stylish. They’ve held up well but I didn’t (and wouldn’t) pay full price for them. They’re comfortable if you don’t need a ton of support. I dont commute in mine and just wear them around my office, and they’re fine for that. The times I’ve worn them out and about, I’ve really just be all right with comfort when I’m not walking a lot.

  18. anonymama :

    I just went down an internet rabbit hole and ended up at this fantastic obituary:

    http://www.nytimes.com/1996/01/18/us/josephine-patterson-albright-colorful-journalist-dies-at-82.html

    Josephine Patterson Albright, who flew the mail, shot tigers in India, covered Chicago crime in journalism’s colorful “Front Page” era, ran an Illinois dairy and pig farm, bred horses in Wyoming, wrote a column about her family and helped establish a foundation for journalists, died on Monday at her home in Woodstock, Vt. She was 82.

    Like Alicia, who was seven years her senior, Josephine was told by her father that journalism was not for women. Both proved him wrong.

    When Josephine earned her spurs in Chicago in the early 1930’s, interviewing killers like George (Baby Face) Nelson and covering murders and the criminal courts, she worked not for her father’s newspaper but for a rival paper, The Chicago Daily News, whose staff members served as models for the characters in the classic Ben Hecht-Charles MacArthur comedy “The Front Page.”

  19. Has anyone here used Mopp or Handy for home cleaning services? Gilt is offering a discount code and I’ve been considering hiring someone. Any thoughts?

    • I used Handy and it was okay. The person did a great job, but the website had a lot of kinks. After I discontinued my service (it auto signs you up for reoccurring services) I would get emails saying that week the cleaner would be at my house. I’d have to call/email frantically to try to get in touch with someone, even though my account no longer existed.

    • I was not terribly satisfied with Handy. The cleaning was a lot less expensive then what I was paying my previous cleaner, but there was a corresponding decrease in the quality of the work. I think it might have been worth the (cheap) price, but I had a few issues and was not satisfied with how Handy responded to my complaints and cancelled the monthly service as a result. Specifically, they asked me how the cleaning went and I gave a low mark after the cleaner skipped a bathroom and the only response I got was an email saying “great, thanks for responding!” which really irked me. Then I had a similar thing after my next cleaning where I pointed out some specific omissions and it was never addressed.
      However, I used Handy to book a plumber and painter and was satisfied with those services.

      • I’ve had the opposite experience with Handy. I’ve been using them every other week for about a year and the two times I’ve had issues they’ve refunded an hour of my two hour cleaning. I give detailed instructions about what I want them to clean and how (e.g. sweep floor instead of just vacuuming) because individual cleaners can sometimes be inconsistent in their approach (e.g. occasionally someone won’t take out bathroom trash.) On the whole, I’m satisfied with the service I receive.

        • Suzy Hatfield :

          All I wanted was some acknowledgement of my complaint! Glad it worked out better for you. I’m still looking for a cleaning service. (My previous person was great, but unfortunately for me switched to a different line of work.)

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