Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Faux Wrap Skirt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale is going on now (here are our picks for workwear), and although this clearance skirt isn’t part of the sale, you may want to pick it up too. I love the pockets, the flared look, and the small slit in the front, and it’s 40% off of what was already an affordable price of $69, taking it down to $41. It comes in regular sizes 0–16 and petite sizes 00P–14P in black and olive. Faux Wrap Skirt

Here’s an option in plus sizes.

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Comments

  1. Baconpancakes :

    Happy Friday, everyone!

    Ladies, what’s your favorite tee-replacement for work? Something that has short sleeves, opaque enough in white, goes with everything, a little fancier than a tee? My office is casual enough that an actual tee under a blazer is fine, but I’m just not feeling it.

    • short sleeved ribbed or cabled fine gauge sweater

    • Anonymous :

      I would love to hear this too! I tried the Ministry of Supply tee, but sadly, it was too short for me at 5’9”.

    • I’m curious if the AT Piped Tee would work for you. I have misgivings about the height of the neckline, because I’m very busty (fabric shield effect just makes this worse), but I have similar tops from earlier seasons and Loft and they have been my go to. That, or the heavy jersey tops that AT tends to have in the fall/spring in their work section (no consistent naming or fabric content to refer to, sorry).

      • I love the AT Piped Tee. I prefer actual silk tees to polyester, but you can’t beat the price– especially when they go on sale.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Hmm, I’ll keep a look out for AT tops. I’m also busty, so was hoping for a V-neck, but the next time I’m near an AT I’ll try it on.

        • My concern is based entirely on a few customer reviews where people said it was high necked. On the photos/model, it looks ok, but I tend to be wary…

    • Anonymous :

      The Boden Ravello top. It’s pricer than a tee for sure, but great.

    • Anonymous :

      A short sleeved sweater. A rare beast but perfect for the office. I bought 4 from Banana Republic this spring that are a silk-cashmere blend. They’re perfect.

    • I love this one from Amazon https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01D93W5JS/_encoding=UTF8?coliid=IO7EXFEZUVI1C&colid=MOYT8XP4QVML

    • givemyregards :

      I have one of these from madewell (https://www.madewell.com/madewell_category/SHIRTSTOPS/topsblouses/PRDOVR~G0063/G0063.jsp) in white and love it – obviously buttoned up all the way for work.

      • givemyregards :

        Sorry, meant to add that it’s not available now, but I think this is one of the styles they recycle.

    • I like the Worthington Essential Short Sleeve from JCPenney’s. It has a little pleating on the neckline to add interest, and comes in lots of colors.

    • I picked up a couple of the Rib Trim Crepe Top at BR recently. Looks like they’re really cheap right now with the promotion.

    • Talbots’ pima bateau neck tees. Super comfy, super-polished, have 3/4 sleeves and never pill. So not a “regular tee.”

  2. Anonymous :

    What is the actual women’s equivalent of a suit and tie? When I see professionals walking downtown, I’ve noticed that the number of men wearing a suit and tie is probably 10x the number of women wearing an actual matching jacket and skirt/pants. So, women in offices where men wear suits and ties daily: what do you wear?

    • Anonymous :

      I wear either a suit or a sheath dress with a coordinating blazer.

    • Anonymous :

      Those are two separate questions (1. What is the equivalent and 2. What do you actually wear). The woman’s equivalent of a suit and tie is a suit. Women can get away with wearing slightly less formal clothing in offices where men where suits and ties though.

    • Suit and a nice blouse. I’ve occasionally done one of those ‘pu$$y bow’ styles, but for fun/because I like the style, not because it’s a lady tie equivalent.

      • +1. If men are wearing suits, then I am generally wearing one too. Or nice dress with a nice blazer.

    • The short answer is that there is no “actual equivalent.” Women have a lot more options than men on the dressy end of the business dress spectrum, so there’s no one look that will be nearly as ubiquitous as the suit and tie for men.

      • +1. Men’s suits also serve as informal/cocktail attire- it’s one stop shopping for them.

        • +1. There are like 3 dress codes for men, and about 15 for women. “Suit and tie” is ubiquitous because it covers so many more situations than “formal business suit” does for women.

    • Also, I feel like women might be more likely than men to leave the jacket behind when walking outside in decent weather. So some of the women you see out in a pencil skirt/slacks and blouse might have a matching jacket draped over their chair back in the office.

    • A woman’s equivalent to a man wearing a suit and tie is a suit.

      I think the better question is: what is the woman’s equivalent when a man wears a tie, but no suit? I think there are some good answers here – dressier blouses, dresses, etc, rather than simply slacks and a cardigan.

  3. France in September :

    (If my patient coworker recognizes me from this post, hi Darth :) )

    Husband and I are headed to France for 8 nights in early September. Flying round trip to Paris and are debating whether to (1) spend the whole time based in Paris but take several day trips to break up “city” time, or (2) split our trip between Paris (prob 5 nights) and Provence / south of France (prob 3 nights) — if we do this, would likely do the south first so as to use our “adjusting to jet lag” day on the train rather than stumbling around Paris in a “must stay awake all day but not really absorbing the city” fog.

    We’ve been to Paris once before but only for a brief 3-night stop on the way home from Morocco, so are eager to absorb more of the city (and I’m an Impressionist lover so would want to go to Giverny this time around, assuming it’s lovely even in late summer). BUT some time gallivanting around beautiful chateaux / Mediterranean views / perhaps dropping in for a fancy night in Monaco also sounds delightful.

    WWYD? (And any and all recommendations welcome too, obviously!)

    • France in September :

      (also – if this stays in moderation for the morning, as most of my posts do, I’ll repost later!)

    • 5 nights in Paris and 3 in Provence, definitely. Five nights in Paris is plenty to see the city well and take a day trip to Giverny.

    • I’d probably do the whole time in Paris, personally. There is just so much to do and see–especially if you love Impressionism. There are also lots of gorgeous, easy daytrips from the city. I think a day touring Loire castles might meet your beautiful chateaux fix, if not the Mediterranean views. I’ve only heard people be disappointed by Monaco, but that was when we were all very young and poor so perhaps it’s a different experience if you can really splurge!

      If you haven’t been, don’t miss the Musée de l’Orangerie and strolling around the Tuileries Gardens before and after!

      • Musee de l’Orangerie is THE place (in Paris) for Impressionist lovers. I haven’t been to Giverny, though, so I have a limited basis for comparison. :)

    • Giverny 10000000000%. If you want Chateaux, try Loire Valley or just go to Versailles.

    • I would do #1 – stay in Paris the entire time with day trips (or short overnight trips). Giverny is amazing, and Versailles is worth seeing. If you’re into history, you can’t run out of WWI and WWII things to see outside of Paris (Normandy is obvious, but there is a lot more than just that). Mont St Michele is totally touristy but worth seeing, it really is spectacular. Skip the Champagne region, even if you’re into Champagne – it’s not like Napa where you can just stop in for tastings (unfortunately). But really, you could spend 8 days in Paris alone – the museums (obviously go to Louvre and D’Orsay, but the Rodin and Picasso museums are also great), the shopping, just walking around and soaking it in!

      • Agreed with this, but big plus on Normandy.

        We took a morning train from (I think?) Gare St. Lazare to Bayeux and had an excellent–truly!–small group tour of Pont du Hoc, the Normandy beach sites, the American and German cemeteries, and a few other things. Booked through Viator. Kicked ourselves that we didn’t do more! Train in the evening back. About 2 hour train ride either way through mostly beautiful countryside. Totally reasonable pricing and worth it.

        • It sounds like a did the same tour booked through Viator – it was truly amazing and I couldn’t recommend it enough! It was a long day trip, but absolutely worth it if you only have one day to spare!

      • The Rodin museum, specifically the sculpture garden, may be my favorite place in Paris.

    • blueberries :

      As much time in the country as possible! But why Provence? It’s nice, but there are so many great regions that are even closer to Paris so you spend less time on a train.

      Remember that everything (including grocery stores) closes on Sundays in the country.

    • I would do all 8 in Paris or Paris + daytrips. I just got back from two weeks in France. We split it up as follows: travel day + 5 days in Paris + travel day + 6 days in Riviera + 2 travel days (back to Paris, then flight home). We definitely could have stayed in Paris for another few days; there was so much we didn’t see that we wanted to! I’m glad for this trip we split it up the way we did– DH is more of a “relaxer” on vacation than a “seer” and he loved the more laid-back time we spent in the Riviera, and we had a full six days in the South, not just three. But if I were doing 8 days, I’d go Paris all the way.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      I think Provence is a trip unto itself since it covers so many different towns and can mean a lot of time in the car, so I wouldn’t do Paris and Provence. I would either do Paris plus one other city you can get to by TGV so you have an easy trip if you really want to go to one other city (Nice and its surrounding towns like Antibes would be much better than Monaco IMO), or stay in Paris the whole time and do day trips as others have proposed. Versailles, Mont St. Michel, Giverny, and day trips to the Loire valley to see chateaux are all great ideas.

    • Anonymous :

      Oh my gosh! I’m laughing so hard. My team has called me Darth on occasion. I feel better that there are others out there!

    • France in September :

      Thanks for the food for thought, all! I’ve been refreshing and thinking throughout the morning.

      The thought on Provence was to build in some “beautiful views and relaxing with wine and a book” time — as opposed to the firehose of culture that is a week in Paris! But a “lazy” day trip or two (or an afternoon just spent lounging around Luxembourg gardens?) may accomplish the same thing… any suggestions for a chateau that wouldn’t mind us lingering quietly for an afternoon?

      And our Darth will be glad to hear there are others, too :)

      • Vaux-Le-Vicomte for lazing. I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s easy to get to, far less crowded than Versailles or the Loire chateaux, and impossibly gorgeous. You could linger all day in the buildings and gardens with no problem. They also have an very nice and extensive giftshop and the cafeteria serves a surprisingly good cassoulet.

        • France in September :

          Thanks for this and the reply below! Totally agree on the approach – not cramming too much in – which was a fear of changing locations partway through the trip.

          I visited the Orsay and Orangerie by myself last time (husband wasn’t feeling well) and would happily revisit both. Rodin is on the list for sure.

    • We’re headed to France in late September:) Paris is such an incredible place and so full of things to do that we’ve spent four weeks there over three separate trips in the last 4 years and I feel as though we’ve just touched the surface (and we are “seers” not “relaxers”). Our 9 day trip this year will be 7 days in the Loire and two in Paris on the way home just to say hello.

      Obviously, I really think these are two separate trips. Given what you’ve shared, I’d spend the entire time in the city with a day trip to Giverny and possibly another to Vaux-le-Vicomte, which is a wonderful chateau much closer to the city than those of the Loire. Versailles is also quite close but very crowded.

      As you say you’re a lover of Impressionism, don’t miss the Orangerie. Monet’s work is not only lovely but displayed so beautifully in a space he designed himself. The museum is a jewel and included in the Paris Pass, which is very valuable for skipping the ticket window, although you’ll still have to go through security.

      Don’t try to do too much. Take your time, let it all soak in, and make mental notes for your next trip. We’ve missed the Musee Rodin on each of our last trips, so it’s the top of the list this time!

  4. I somehow managed so smash my phone into my head last night, hard enough to leave a cut on my forehead. It’s rainy and humid. I am so tired and unmotivated today. I want to scour the internet for special needs senior pups who need homes, not deal with this poorly translated customer contract.

    On a positive note, on advice of some hive members, I bought a new Shark vacuum and I am obsessed. I also am wearing my super fun teal, hot pink, and white parrot shell today.

    What does everyone have going on this weekend? Distract me with your fun (or not fun) weekend plans!

    • Veronica Mars :

      I’ll be traveling to some writing camps this weekend. Even better, they could as professional development so my company is paying. I’m thrilled to do some creative writing and hopefully have a great time with other writers.

      • Anony Mouse :

        What kind of job do you have that creative writing workshops count at PD? I want your job!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I’m in [different city] for a meeting but tonight one of my besties is driving into town and we are doing a hotel sleepover! Then exploring [different city] or possibly lying in bed watching HGTV? Maybe I’ll paint my nails! We have a reservation at a fancy cocktail place! We will wear dresses and lipstick! Also at some point I think there will be boozy milkshakes. Gonna be so great!

      • Jealz of these plans, especially the boozy milkshakes!

        • Baconpancakes :

          I’ve made them using this recipe and just adding booze to it: http://tastykitchen.com/blog/2011/05/frozen-hot-chocolate/

          Alternately: https://www.buzzfeed.com/arielknutson/26-boozy-milkshakes-that-know-how-to-party?utm_term=.lcRBrgmAOb#.yjZbwKDynG

      • cake batter :

        Ugh I wanna be friends with you, that sounds so fun!

    • ponte python's flying circus :

      I’m working from home today, and have optimistically put on running clothes…this lunch run had better happen or I’ll have been in a sports bra for 5 hours for naught.

      Weekend plans: Long run tomorrow, pool time with the kiddo, coffee date with a friend, maybe a short family hike Sunday, and I’m looking forward to sinking my teeth into a few new library books. #introvertlife

    • KateMiddletown :

      We just got a Shark too and it makes me inordinately happy! I love being able to see all the dog hair one sweep around the house produces. (Ew.)

    • Anonymous :

      I will be at home after a string of travel-filled weeks. I am going to spend the entire weekend doing mundane things like yoga and grocery shopping and cleaning, all with my kid. We may go to the pool. And I am really loooking forward to not eating out.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m indulging in a pedicure this weekend. I usually get them regularly; my budget is really tight lately but…YOLO. It’s summer and I want nice toes.

    • I’m going to the Atlanta International Gift Market! Trying not to out myself, but suffice to say I act as a fashion and jewelry consultant for a relative’s store. My real job isn’t related to fashion at all, but I have a good eye and they’re a small business, so twice a year I go with them to the wholesale market and help decide what products to order for the upcoming seasons. It’s the coolest thing EVER. You get to see all the new collections before they hit stores and schmooze with designers and entrepreneurs. You have to be a buyer, exhibitor, or registered guest to get in, but if you can ever finagle your way into an entry badge, DO IT.

    • WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SHELL?! Sounds amazing!

      • IT IS. A friend who does consignment personal shopping found it for me! It’s Loft I believe, but I have no idea from how long ago.

    • Which Shark did you get and have you tested it on dog/cat hair? I’m in the market for a new vacuum. I have two long-haired cats.

      • I got the Shark Navigator Lift-Away. I ran it over both area rugs and hardwood last night and it was great. It also has a hardwood floor attachment that has pads for cleaning and a pet hair attachment that was very suctiony on the couch. I have one long-hair and one-short hair cat (and still had some dog hair left over). So far, so good! The suction power is very strong IMO.

        • Aunt Jamesina :

          I’ve had the same model for over a year and love it! Anybody who’s interested, keep an eye out for refurb models. We got ours for less than $100 and it was pristine.

    • Thank you for considering giving a senior pup a home! There are so many gentle, well-behaved pups – many of whom have a lot of good years left! – whose lives are cut short just because they are older. I’m sure you will find one that will be a great companion for you!

      • Thank you. I adopted a tiny senior last year who I put down this past weekend. He had many health problems (80% of which I knew about when I adopted), so it wasn’t surprising that he wasn’t with me for longer than a year and a few months, but it was still sad. My house is so empty now (despite the cats). I am not rushing into another dog, but will know the right one when I see/read about him/her.

        • Hugs. We had to put down our senior pup about a year ago. Got her at age 8, had her for almost 8 (!!!) years. Senior dogs 4ever.

    • Senior Attorney :

      My Shark got me through living in my house while it was being remodeled — it was a beast on the construction dust! (Although I admit I threw it away after the project was done because I felt like I couldn’t ever get it clean enough for regular use.)

      I am super excited because we have no plans this weekend. We’ve had a busy week and I am looking forward to some Blue Apron dinners and maybe a nice long bike ride.

    • DH got sworn in as a citizen today! And we’re off the the mountains near us for the weekend. So today things are looking up.

    • Putting sunscreen on a squirmy toddler. I am looking forward to seeing how much animal hair our robo vacuum picked up today.

    • Macademia :

      Wow, I am pretty dull–tomorrow morning I have a training on how to clean and monitor the pool at our co-op club. I want to get a long run in sometime on Saturday. Saturday late afternoon and Sunday morning I am serving at mass. (The double duty means I get next week off, I have no idea what to do with myself.) Tonight we are all going out to dinner with some colleagues of DH’s. I imagine I’ll end up talking to our kiddo a lot.

  5. Embarrassing LGP Question :

    I’m wondering if anyone has ever experienced this or has any ideas. I frequently get yeast infections after LGPs of the oral variety. With other types of LGP, there aren’t any problems, but with oral they seem to come on like clockwork. I’m otherwise healthy and this hasn’t generally been a problem for me up until now with this partner. I feel pretty strongly it’s related to oral because it’s something we don’t do all that often for this very reason, and nearly every time we do I end up with a yeast infection again very shortly after.

    Obviously we’ll both talk with our doctors, but I’m wondering if anyone has experienced something like this and has tips on what worked. I’d really like to keep it in our repertoire, but having to deal with a yeast infection after is a pretty strong deterrent. Help?

    • When you say odor related, do you maybe do too much ‘cleaning’ beforehand? My understanding is that douches and all that stuff is not good for your ‘balance’ down there.

      • Nope, no particular cleaning at all beforehand. I do after though, thinking it might help me avoid this. But maybe that’s part of the problem?

        • Douching is terrible for you, don’t do it. Upsetting the pH balance of your lady parts can cause a yeast infection.

          • Oh no, I don’t do that. I just hop in the shower after and scrub up, like I would in the morning. I don’t use any different products or do anything differently.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Oral, not odor. :)

    • Could it be thrush? Def. talk to your doctors. I’m not prone to yeast infections, but I swear by taking a women’s probiotic – the CVS version version of rephresh pro-b works well for me

    • Anonymous :

      It sounds like thrush for sure. Thrush is basically a yeast infection in your mouth. You and your partner need to be treated.

      • If I’m already treating the yeast infection with diflucan, would that take care of treatment for me? Or is there something else for thrush? (Realize this is a question for my doc, just trying to figure out how urgently I should try to get in.)

        • Your partner may have thrush in his mouth and is reinfecting you. You should both be tested and, if necessary, treated at the same time.

          • How does this work? Do we both get appointments with our respective GP’s on the same day? Is there such a thing as going in together for something like this??

          • I feel like it’s gotta be thrush. Does your office have a messaging/phone system where you can talk to your PCP? I’d just schedule something for yourself, first, then see what they say about your partner. Though it sounds like maybe it’s your partner who has the longer standing problem.

            Thrush is really persistent so you might need something stronger or more specific.

      • This. You’re probably spreading in back and forth to each other. Your partner needs to practice good oral hygiene as well (regularly brushing teeth/flossing)

  6. Raise negotiation question :

    I got a promotion (XX to Sr XX). With this new promotion, I got 30% of my salary in RSUs and a good bonus. But my base salary didn’t change. So no base raise at all. This is after previous year of 2.8% raise.

    My manager said they looked at the market and I’m in range, and in half in the upper half of the range. I do not doubt this. I also came into this role with a higher salary than for my title.

    I got a really good review – I was rated a 1 out of 3 in Potential and a high 2 out of 4 in Performance. And according to company comp guidelines on the intranet, this combination can get a 0% to 4% raise. For context, I’m at a big tech company that is doing well, but not like a Google or a Facebook.

    I told my manager I’m very excited about the new opportunity, I’d like to digest the information, and we’ll tak again in a week when he gets back from conference.

    So my question – what is the best way to negotiate this raise, and what is the phrasing that is helpful? I have an excellent relationship with my manager and I like my job a lot, and I am excited about my future at this company. I am dissapointed I got no raise despite a promotion and a very strong rating.

    • anon a mouse :

      Any chance they would guarantee you a bonus amount that could stand in for a raise?

    • I used to work for a very large ~Fortune 50 (if not 25) and this was how all upper level promotions worked there – all increase in performance bonus and little to nothing in base. We also had short term and long term bonus, and the higher up you were, the higher percentage was in long term.

      Obviously the idea is that your compensation and reward is directly tied to the results of the company. And the longer term stuff is a way of keeping you there to collect on your bonuses.

      I’m not saying it’s fun or right, but it is very typical.

      i will tell you that in my situation, the long term incentives turned out to be very lucrative as the company’s stock value increased.

      • Yes, agreed. Not sure exactly what level you’re at but at some point, base flattens out and most additional increases come from other incentive compensation.

        It will likely be tough to negotiate anything higher in terms of base. The likely response will be that you need to look at total comp, and unless you can somehow make the point that your total comp is out of alignment with what it should be, it’ll be a no-go.

  7. Ugh, Nordstrom is now offering 10x the points today because of their major malfunction yesterday, but I was one of those who tried and tried and tried all morning and finally got my purchase made yesterday. So irritating.

    • KateMiddletown :

      Hell yes! Thank you for letting me know. I’m going to buy today. You should call them to complain – they are great about this kind of thing – I’m sure they’ll honor it for you.

    • Anonymous :

      Ugh. Read better! It’s retroactive including all purchases made yesterday!!

    • Oh man! I wonder if they will let me re-take my triple points day then??

    • Oh wow, that’s really interesting. I had so many problems submitting an order yesterday. First, it kept reverting to an older version of my shopping cart with an item that I had ultimately decided not to buy (beautiful but I think only would look that way on me in my dream life), then I tried to see if a gift card I had still had money on it and it said they weren’t accepting gift cards (pretty sure it was used up anyway), then it took about 4-5 tries and waiting a while to get my actual order would go through. I couldn’t get through on chat or the phone, so it was just sheer force of trying.

    • I tried yesterday morning for an hour to place an order and tried to submit it multiple times, always getting an error message. Turns out I placed four orders. I called Customer Service however and they cancelled the duplicate orders. Would be nice if I did get 10X points. i have not received anything indicating that.

  8. TorontoNewbie :

    Any suggestions of a place to get a walk-in manicure in NYC? Unexpectedly have the morning free. Staying by Madison’s square park but am willing to walk around and explore. Préférence to cheap & clean over fancy / luxurious.

    (Also, any NYC tips welcome! This is my first non school trip. I’ve seen the tourist hubs but have a weekend to play. Love museums, history, and food.)

    • Wonder Woman Style :

      The Frick Collection. It’s a museum that often gets overlooked. Or The Cloisters.

    • One of the beauties of NYC is that there are literally walk in nail salons everywhere.

      I usually shy away from the dirt-dirt cheap nail places, but frequent the following:
      Blooming Nails on Park btw 20th and 21st
      Wabi/Bellagio Spa (not sure what the real name is because both are on the awning) on 23rd between Madison and Broadway
      Think there are a few more on 22nd between Park and Broadway
      There are a few “Dashing Divas” around that I find tend to be very clean — think there may be one on Third Avenue.

      • Yep, this. I generally just yelp a place by distance and reviews if I’m not by home/work and want a manicure.
        For something fun to do with the morning, you can do some shopping walking down broadway/5th in the direction of downtown, the Rubin museum is not far and is awesome (& has a great gift shop); you could take crosstown bus/walk to the new Whitney and have lunch at Chelsea market after (Los Tacos No 1 would be my recommendation but you’ll have lots of options).

    • Just pull up yelp and go to your nearest decently rated nail place. There are very few locations in Manhattan where you are not a few blocks away from a place to get a walk-in manicure.

    • I’m usually a NYC hater (just not a city girl), but the most fun I’ve ever had there was when some friends and I did a dessert dinner in Little Italy. We planned nothing in advance, just decided we wanted to stop by a bunch of places and try different desserts. We ended up having 5 “courses,” each at a different restaurant, which included cheesecake, gelato, cannoli, tiramisu, and affogato. I don’t remember the names of everywhere we went, but Ferrara is obviously a must.

    • The Georgia O’Keeffe exhibit at the Brooklyn museum is very good. You could hit up Smorgasburg in Prospect Park before or after, if you go on Sunday.

  9. Promotion without base raise :

    I got a promotion (XX to Sr XX). With this new promotion, I got 30% of my salary in RSUs and a good bonus. But my base salary didn’t change. So no base raise at all. This is after previous year of 2.8% raise.

    My manager said they looked at the market and I’m in range, and in half in the upper half of the range. I do not doubt this. I also came into this role with a higher salary than for my title.

    I got a really good review – I was rated a 1 out of 3 in Potential and a high 2 out of 4 in Performance. And according to company comp guidelines on the intranet, this combination can get a 0% to 4% raise. For context, I’m at a big tech company that is doing well, but not like a Google or a Facebook.

    I told my manager I’m very excited about the new opportunity, I’d like to digest the information, and we’ll tak again in a week when he gets back from conference.

    So my question – what is the best way to negotiate this raise, and what is the phrasing that is helpful? I have an excellent relationship with my manager and I like my job a lot, and I am excited about my future at this company. I am dissapointed I got no raise despite a promotion and a very strong rating.

  10. In-House in Texas :

    This is a weird question, but I feel compelled to ask. At night I take off my eye make-up with Neutrogena make-up remover with a cotton square. Just my eye make-up, then I was my entire face with a Neutrogena scrub. A friend of mine says she takes off her eye make-up and then uses the same cotton square all over her face/neck, then washes her face. She said that the scrub I use isn’t taking off all of the make-up. My skin is in pretty good shape, as in I don’t have any blemishes. But I just wonder who many of you use make-up remover on your face, then wash? It seems redundant to me and maybe drying? TIA!! Happy Friday!

    • I use micellar water to remove my make up, use a gentle cleanser after that, and then swipe again with micellar water. The last swipe is usually not crystal clear, so that makes me think all these steps are necessary to get the grime off my face. I use a nighttime moisturizer and gentle cleansers, and do not seem to have any dryness issues. My skin trends dry FWIW.

    • Anonymous :

      I definitely believe in double cleansing. You need something a bit oily that will take off your makeup since regular scrub or cleanser doesn’t really “grab” the makeup. If you’ve ever gotten makeup on your hands and tried to wash it off with just soap and water, you’ll still have residue. Same goes for your face. I use a makeup removing wipe on my face followed by my regular cleanser.

      Also, rethink using a scrub on your face -it’s so damaging.

    • KateMiddletown :

      I like a two step whenever I have time for it. Last night I was tired and did Cetaphil with a washcloth, which took off everything. (I should do a toner after but too tired.) Often I’ll do coconut oil or some sort of creamy moisturizing cleanser or a wipe, then wash with Bliss Fabulous Foaming (which I like right now b/c it’s a mild scrub).

      If you don’t wear that much makeup and you’re not noticing any blemishes, I would just stick with what you’re doing though… when I change my routine unnecessarily my skin can get inflamed.

    • IMO your friend is right. I take off all my makeup, THEN wash my face to remove any makeup remnants.

    • I wash with my cleanser, then finish with micellar water. My cleanser is great for my skin, but not so great at removing waterproof eye makeup, so that extra step removes the raccoon look.

      • This is what I do as well. I started doing this after I started using a BHA exfoliant and realized my Cetaphil was leaving an insane amount of makeup on my face.

      • I do this in the opposite order –

        first use micellar water to remove makeup. One cotton pad for eyes and a separate one for skin (I wear tinted moisturizer). I use the garnier micellar water recommended here and I really like it.

        then I wash with a mild cleanser

        I usually have terrible skin and this is really working for me. My skin has never looked better.

    • IMHO, yes, two step cleaning is necessary. I use an oil cleansing balm first to get all my sunblock,makeup, grime off, wash that off, then clean with my facial cleanser.
      I also use a juicy apple scented oil cleanser to get my son’s sunblock residue off after camp, otherwise I swear that spray stuff lasts FOREVER.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I only take off eye makeup, then just wash at night (or take makeup off with micellar water and call it “washing”). For my skin, less is more, and I don’t want to do something unnecessarily harsh to “remove” the makeup (usually just BB cream that’s already rubbed off throughout the day).

    • Baconpancakes :

      I use Tatcha Camellia Cleansing Oil all over my face, which gets off 95% of my eye makeup and leaves my skin really clean, then if there’s eye makeup left a little regular makeup remover there (4 out of 5 nights there isn’t), then a tea tree toning spray with a cotton pad. If I’m feeling ambitious I’ll use FAB cleanser after the Tatcha, usually with my Clairsonic, but the Tatcha leaves my skin so clean when I use the toning spray the cotton pad comes off without any makeup on it, so I feel comfortable with just the one wash.

      • I didn’t want to love that Tatcha cleansing oil, since it’s not that cheap, but nothing has worked better at getting my makeup off. I don’t have to wash again after I rinse it off, either.

        • Baconpancakes :

          God I know. Some ridiculously beautiful woman with a seemly effortless and gorgeous Brooklyn life listed it in her routine and I bought the travel size, loved it, tried 4 other cleansers and went back to the Tatcha.

    • Have you checked with a white cotton ball dipped in toner afterward? If you swipe your skin after you’ve done your regular routine and you still see make up coming off, you might need another step? It could also be that whatever makeup you are using on the rest of your face can be removed with the scrub, if the cotton is relatively clean.

    • I use Neutrogena’s combination makeup remover and facial cleanser, so it’s just one step for me.

    • I use cold cream now, plain old Pond’s, based on advice from this board and I’m never looking back. It takes off every stitch of my makeup, including my tough to remove mascara with no tugging.

      I apply it to a dry face and really rub it in in a circular motion, including all over my eyes and eyelids. Then I wipe it off with a well-saturated warm wash cloth. That’s it. I don’t have a stitch of makeup left and my skin is soft and not all irritated.

      I would like to again thank whomever recommended it around here. It’s been a year and this was the first winter where my face did not get all dry and flaky.

  11. KateMiddletown :

    I’m in the process of changing my name legally (married July 1, woop). I am awaiting SS card and then will be able to do all the things that require new driver’s license, which is actually fewer things than I thought. Bank accounts are good to to. I just changed over my email @ work, and unfortunately our system only forwards emails for 3 months from the old email. I updated my signature so anyone who emails me will know, but how do I best communicate the name change to my contacts without getting all “I got married, check me out”? Anyone had success doing this in business?

    • FYI if you have frequent flyer accounts, they are more of a PITA than you might think to change. And Amtrak’s was so annoying that I just gave up and travel as a “guest” (I wasn’t earning enough points to redeem for anything anyway).

      As far as the email – I’d say something like “Hello all – I wanted to let you know that my name is now Kate Cambridge [optional: including “due to my recent marriage”] and my email is now x. Please update your contact info for me as my old email address will no longer be active starting y.”

      • Anonymous :

        Fwiw, I left all my hotel rewards cards in my maiden name when I got married 7 years ago and it hasn’t been an issue. I just make hotel reservations under my maiden name and I never have a problem checking in. My maiden name is my legal middle name though and is on my driver’s license and passport. Flying is obviously different, since the ticketed name has to match the identification exactly.

        • KateMiddletown :

          Hopefully this is a non-issue @ hotels – I’m doing First Maiden NewLast so fingers crossed non-government and non-banking accounts are okay.

    • Wonder Woman Style :

      Can you change how your name displays in e-mail?

      Like the e-mail still is [email protected] but it displays as Jane Doe Newname?

      I’ve seen people do that.

      For guys, I’ve seen some unfortunate [email protected], so the solutions are often clunky and bad. But no one thinks that Bob’s last name is actually Doe2.

      • This is what I did. Email address unchanged but displays as Jane Doe Newname (because I went double last name). If you fully change your name, it makes more sense to change your email address but talk to your IT because mine is set up to have multiple emails funnel to my account – Jane Doe, Jane Doe Newname and Jane Newname (correctly spelled), and Jane Newname (common misspelling) all come to me. I always provide Jane Doe as my email (Newname is prone to spelling mistakes).

    • Congrats! Wishing you a very happy and fun life together :)

      I think there’s two ways you could handle this:
      1) Send out an email with your new contact information, something to the effect of “please update your address books to reflect my new contact information” – you don’t actually have to say anything about your relationship status
      2) Do nothing; just make sure your online info on company website, etc is up to date. After the three months, people will get a bounce back of emails to your old address, and they’ll either look you up on the website or contact someone else in your company.

      I waited a while to change my name because I was dreading this issue. It wasn’t a big deal at all. People who needed and wanted to find me always seemed to be successful in doing so!

    • Ask the IT team if they can set up an auto-reply from your prior email address to say “My new contact information is [email protected] Please update your address books as this email will no longer be active as of Z.”

    • Very unrelated, but did you have the donut cake after all? How was it!?

      • KateMiddletown :

        Yes! We got an oreo donut cake just for us (literally one large donut, Ill post a link below) and shared leftovers w/ guests. We also got 4 dozen fancy donuts and had some number of mini-desserts (cheesecake, key lime pie, pretzel brownie) that the restaurant provided. I can’t even remember if I had a whole piece or just a bite of the piece I shoved into his face, but there weren’t any leftover donuts with our party of 85. (Hear that, mom? People prefer fancy donuts to stupid mini key lime pie.)

        • KateMiddletown :

          Kind of like these but not filled and crushed oreo cookies on top:
          http://tulliospastry.com/portfolio/homemade-donuts-and-donut-cakes/

    • If you are changing your email address, be sure you can first change any website that uses your email as a log in. This is harder than it seems that it should be.

      I recently changed jobs and have had trouble switching over everything.
      My Marriott account is the worst, as it has a significant number of real points attached to it. I changed the mailing address etc but still have to login with my old email & my old boss gets the email confirmations whenever I travel.

  12. I wash with plain old bar soap, then use Clinique’s purple makeup remover to take off the resulting eyeliner and mascara smudges. My skin is in pretty good shape too – occasional blemishes but nothing to really complain about.

    The proliferation of makeup removal wipes and scrubs as a second washing step seems really forced to me.

    • Whoops – this was obviously for In-House in Texas

    • Anony Mouse :

      I’m with you. Neutrogena eye makeup remover plus Trader Joe’s All-in-One Facial Cleanser are all I need. Granted, I wear natural-based makeup and non-waterproof mascara, which are both easy to clean up.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      I’m a monster and just wash the Cetaphil! I do a swipe or two of eye makeup remover if it’s really stubborn. Non-waterproof mascara with oily skin here, which means eye makeup seems to slowly wear off throughout the day.

  13. I have some happy news I just want to share with someone. I have a regular job, nothing like big law paycheck, 2 kids, and everything that goes along with it. I have a trip planned to London with a friend and was stressed because I don’t usually spend much on myself. Today I got a bonus that more than covers the cost of my plane ticket! This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I want to spend bonuses on :)

  14. I definitely have a love language of gifts (and mail and small thinking of you’s) compounded by living far away from a lot of my friends. Someone posted about “You GOAT Mail” recently and I thought it was delightful! Does anyone have other similar favorites of small mailable gifts?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Punk Post! Hand lettered cards. They’re so cool and people are just delighted to receive them!

    • My friend absolutely loved You GOAT Mail! She had been posting on Fb about wanting baby goats and peacocks in her yard so I sent her a goat. It was adorable and the anonymous part made it even more fun.

    • Potato Parcel!

  15. Frustrated with fitness :

    My DH and I have been making better lifestyle choices this summer and trying to get healthier. Today my DH is super proud of his 10-lb. weight loss, which, good for him, but I am so frustrated. We started this at the same time and he has literally lost twice as much weight as I have, with half the effort. I’m also busting my tail to get out of bed at 5:00 a.m. to work out every day while he snoozes. And I’m freaking TIRED as a result, because I’m getting between 2.5-3 hours less sleep per week than I was before!

    DH is yammering on and on about how great he feels, that his energy is through the roof, yadayadayada. And this morning I kind of snapped and asked him to stop talking about it because it’s like salt in the wound. And then his feelings were hurt because why can’t I just be happy for him? My physical fitness is better than it was, but because I have the misfortune of being a woman with hormonal issues, losing weight is going to be harder.

    I’m also feeling pretty salty toward my neighbor/running club friend. She’s always going on and on about what a slow runner she is, when she knows darn well that she’s leading the pack every week and I’m usually bringing up the rear. Like, how does she think that makes me feel?

    I’ve been very low key about my whole effort to get healthier and lose weight. Frankly, it’s something I’d rather not talk about, period. I’m borderline overweight and not at all athletic. This is hard enough for me without comparing myself to others.

    • No advice, but sympathy… my dad wants/needs to lose 30 pounds so he just threw out “so I’ll cut out desserts at night and some snacks so I’ll be in good shape by the holidays.” And it will probably actually happen. Maddening.

      Meanwhile, after a year of improved eating habits trying to lose 35, I’m down 17 pounds. I know that halfway to my goal is great progress but UGH WHY is it so much easier for men???

    • That is hard. I am a short round-ish person married to a tall thin guy, and this is my life. At one time I was dieting hard, he was lifting, and he thanked me for the food I fixed and said “but I need more calories than this”. My reply was half joking and half serious and is not something I would want to reproduce in print. I have no advice, but lots of commiseration.

    • Ok, some tough love for a second– try to remember it’s not about you. Your husband’s weight loss success is not about you. Your friend wishing she could run faster is not about you. When they talk to you, they’re not thinking about how their situation relates to you. They are talking to you because you are their friend. When your husband is excited about his success, he is not gloating or trying to make you feel less-than. He’s just excited and wants to share that with you. When your friend talks about wanting to improve her speed, even though she’s already fast, she is not trying to make you feel slow. She’s just trying to improve and wants to share that with you. They are not comparing themselves to you, and you don’t need to compare yourself with them. You can do this!

      • Frustrated with fitness :

        I know y0u’re right; it’s just such a trigger for me right now. I’m proud of sticking to my exercise routine, but it is such a mental struggle to not “see” much progress. I know it’s there, but I’m still a good 10-15 lbs. heavier than I want to be, and exercise has not been the magical cure for energy that everyone says it is.

        • I wrote a long post that may have gotten eaten but the gist was:
          1.hugs
          2. I never lost a pound with running- better to count calories (for me). Your sleep matters too.
          3. Calorie cutting made me a less emotionally generous me. When I cut out bread and grains dieting was much easier and I was much less moody.
          4. Of course ymmv, but I was where you are and wanted to share my experience.
          5. Good luck.

          • YES to number 1. If you are on a sleep deficit, you won’t have any energy spending it on exercising. Focus on getting good sleep and drinking plenty of water and eating right. Those should be your main focus and then you can add in exercise a couple times a week. I honestly think weight loss is like 80% diet. If you are already dieting, I’m sorry you are frustrated, but keep up at it. Everyone has different paces (in weight loss and running); focus on you and loving yourself.

          • Anonymous :

            Preach on #3. I am an awful person while calorie cutting, I can’t even stand to be around myself. The only way that I’ve been able to “eat better” in a way that’s helped finally jumpstart my weight loss was to eat ~1700-800 calories a day so I’m not constantly hangry, and to make sure that I’m getting at least 100-130 grams of protein a day.

        • Rainbow Hair :

          Can you come up with a very concise thing you repeat to yourself when you start to make those comparisons? “I’m proud of how I am improving every day” or some such thing? When I’m bitten by that bug it helps to already have prepared the response I’ll make (in my head, to myself) so that my feelings in the moment don’t derail me.

          Empathy, too. I’m in a new kind of fitness class that is waaaay outside my wheelhouse (and beyond my fitness level), and I’m the worst in my class, like literally cannot do some of the things in very obvious way, and I’m covered with bizarre bruises etc. etc. It is definitely a mental challenge to not get discouraged when I “fail.” But I have been giving myself hearty compliments: “I’m so proud of how I keep trying even though it’s hard. I’m so proud of how I’m not getting discouraged when I keep falling.” etc.

          • Spirograph :

            re: your new fitness class and OP being near the back of the running club, please know that the people who are better than you at [activity] are probably either 1. so focused on their own goals that they haven’t noticed what you’re doing, or 2. wholeheartedly rooting for you.

            Seriously. I regularly go to an all-levels yoga class. Sometimes I notice someone in a more advanced variation of a posture or someone who is obviously new, and… I have equal respect for both of them. Good for you if you’ve practiced enough that your great, and good for you that you’re starting something new for yourself or sticking with something, even knowing that you’re “publicly” not good at it yet.

            Also, Rainbow Hair, I’m wildly curious what your class is. Based on the bruises, I want to guess some kind of martial arts, or pole dancing. Am I close?!

          • Rainbow Hair :

            Your latter guess is closer!

            Outing myself: it’s a circus bootcamp — aerial stuff and silks and all that. The backs of my knees are bruised from attempts to get myself sitting in a giant iron hoop hanging from the ceiling. And I have an unexplained bruise all down the outside of my left arm, perhaps from a trapeze? It is brutal but I think I love it.

          • Spirograph :

            Wow, I’m impressed and also that sounds SO FUN. There’s a trapeze school sort of near me that I keep meaning to find the time and guts to try out. Now I have renewed motivation!

          • Rainbow Hair :

            I’m pretty much an expert, now, having fallen off a trapeze twice and whined about it on the internet, so I say GO FOR IT!!!

      • This is all good, but I’m in a similar boat to the OP and my rational side is not exactly what’s driving this issue.

        I get that it’s not about comparisons, but it’s HARD to watch someone put in less effort and get better results. Especially when you live with them and know exactly how much effort that is.

        I don’t have any advice OP, only commiseration. I’ve lost 10 pounds to my DH’s 23 (!!!!) so far this year, and it’s maddening. I am counting calories and forcing myself to workout 4 days a week. Meanwhile he still eats lunch out once a week and plays racquetball maybe twice a month. I’m mainly jealous about how obsessive I need to be – this is taking so much mental energy, but I’m overweight and need to do this for my health. I’m jealous that I can’t be more carefree about this, or have a “day off” and not worry about it. It’s so frustrating.

        • More tough love because I’ve been in your shoes and I need to type it out for myself too.

          Stop comparing yourself to your husbands and friends, seriously. Your caloric needs are different, your calorie burns are different.

          The only person you are competing against is Yesterday’s You. Remember, health is a lifestyle. You should build habits you can follow for the rest of your life. Go to bed earlier or switch up when you work out. Weightloss, maintenance, and your health are very personal – so stop looking at other people. Look at 5lbs heavier you, you’ve come a long way even if you don’t realize it. Deciding and following through with your plan to meet your goals is laudable – you’re already a different person for committing to be healthy. Did you ignore your brownie cravings today? Did you work out longer or do more pushups? Did the last mile not burn as badly? Did you go to the gym when old you wouldn’t have? Not all weightloss goals are measured by the scale or the size of your pants.

          Keep your head down, put your blinders on, and stay the course – you WILL get there.

      • Yup, I was going to say something similar. Your runner friend may not even realize she is humble bragging. (And she probably does want to get faster.) You could politely point it out to her, but yes, it isn’t about you. She might be mortified to hear she’s making you feel bad.

        About your workouts – maybe try not going every single day so you can get more sleep? Sleep is just as important and if you aren’t getting enough, you won’t get the results you want.

      • FloridAnon :

        Fast-girl humblebragging is a really obnoxious thing that happens all. the. time. in the local running scene here. That, along with hyper running-clothes fashion consciousness and food-talk that is really eating disorder-ish means that most of my workouts are solo. Don’t work out with those people, especially when you’re at a vulnerable point in your training or just developing the running habit.

        Be very choosy about who you do work out with. Steer clear of those who don’t model safe, healthy behaviors, but do try to find people who are at or beyond where you eventually want to be (who are safe and healthy about it) and see about syncing up their easy workout day with your hard day. If you are in my town, I’d definitely say let’s go for a run. Your easy day might be my hard day :-)

        I’ve been at the point where you’re at and it SUCKS. If you keep up what you’re doing (and very slowly increasing length/distance/intensity), though, you’ll break through the plateau. The weird thing is that there’s no way to know when that’s going to happen. It could be next week, and it could be months from now.

        I feel where you’re coming from OP and offer all the encouragement one can via the internet. You’ll get your goal eventually.

    • I hear you. Being a woman sucks sometimes. DH and I have been on the same diet all year, with almost the same cheat days, and he’s lost 60# to my 25#. SO FRUSTRATING.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      Oof, that sucks and I think your reaction is exactly what mine would have been. I think it’s fair to ask your husband to tone down his comments. You can be happy for him and still be envious.

      I’d tell your friend how you’re feeling about her running comments. “Friend, I completely understand that you’d like to run faster, but it’s hard to listen to these comments when your ‘slow’ is faster than my fast.” And if her comments don’t change after that, she’s being a jerk.

      Please make sure you’re getting enough sleep! Sleep is really the linchpin of good health.

    • Anonymous :

      1) Exercise while super important for a healthy life does not equate to automatic weight loss. 2) The resulting tiredness weakens your defenses to over eating because the body has trouble distinguishing tired from hungry when low on energy. 3) Try intermittent fasting. Go 12 -16 hours without eating. Your body will run through it’s glycogen reserves in the liver and start burning true fat. No matter what always put a 12 hour gap between last food eaten at night and first food eaten in the morning. You CAN do this.

    • Get a 5# bag of sugar or flour. Or a couple cans of tomatoes.
      Make yourself carry it around the kitchen while you make a meal. Or when you go up stairs. Or while you try to get out of the car.
      It’s amazing what a PITA and how heavy even 5# pounds can be.
      Every pound is a victory! Keep your eye on you and your goals. Turtle wins the race, right?

    • Anonymous :

      Focus on yourself and what works for you. I love running but I HATE running with other people. DH gets up early and goes for trail runs. That would make me miserable. I run/walk by myself in on the treadmill in my basement while watching Real Housewives episodes. DH would be miserable doing that but I love it so much.

      Don’t focus on the scale, focus on what your body can do. Don’t compare yourself to others, compare only to what YOU used to be able to do and what you can do now.

      On the weight loss, most weight loss is diet based, so I would focus on exercise for health and diet for weight loss (as in long term sustainable changes, not crash dieting). Regardless of your weight, exercise is an important part of health.

  16. Kat posted a link to an older post on Fb and I was surprised to read my own comments there. Sheesh, I used to have a lot more time to participate here and I had more interesting things to say back then. Can I have my old life back?

  17. Blonde Lawyer :

    I know a lot of posters on here have food allergies / intolerances including some with Celiac. Do any of you get fevers with your reactions?

    I’m working with my actual GI on this issue but I’ve found that in this arena, I need to figure a lot of things out myself. Plus, I’m not seeing him for another month.

    Twice in the last month I’ve eaten something (both times at the same restaurant) that left me sick all night and the next day. I know I can’t eat gluten or dairy (and I have crohns) but usually cross contamination just makes me mildly sick. This most recent time included both vomiting and diarrhea as well as a fever that got up to 101.3 the last I checked before I finally fell asleep. That’s including with tylenol but I may have thrown that up.

    Because of the fever, everyone thinks bug or food poisoning but I think I might be developing a new food allergy / intolerance or somehow got really badly glutened.

    • where are you located? Maybe it was gluten + e.coli? There was a big flour recall in Canada recently so if a restaurant wasn’t diligent maybe it was gluten + e.coli?

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        When it happened a few weeks ago my GI ran a bunch of tests and ruled out e.coli, salmonella and parasites (ew). This time I also feel much better two days later. Still weak and fuzzy headed but stomach wise much better. Though I haven’t eaten real food yet. That will be the real test. I’m in the northeast US.

        First meal was lobster role on gluten free bun with hard cider.
        Second meal was chicken salad on gluten free bun with hard cider.

        Previously had the hard cider no issues. Had the chicken salad in between with no bun and no issues. Asked what type of bun they used and it was Udi’s which has been fine for me in the past and I eat it at home. They could have buttered it or used a cross contaminated utensil but that doesn’t usually result in that level of issue.

        I also had a kashi frozen meal for lunch (this most recent incident) that wasn’t listed as GF but had no gluten containing ingredients. I didn’t get sick until after dinner though.

        • I don’t have any advice, but I read something the other day noting that you won’t get sick from something you ate until more time has passed than you would think. You don’t get sick until your body starts to digest it, and that can take some time, so it could have been your lunch?

          • It varies a lot. You can get sick within a couple hours, or two days later. So definitely could be lunch but could be dinner and getting sick twice after eating at the same restaurant is very suspicious.

          • Sloan Sabbith :

            I had E. coli a few months ago and had to give a food diary or everything I’d eaten in the three weeks prior.

        • Both a lobster roll and chicken salad have mayo, which is a notorious cause of food poisioning. My money’s on that. There are bacteria besides E. coli and salmonella that cause food poisioning, so ruling those two out does not conclusively rule out food poisoning.

          • Listeria?

          • This mayo thing is from the fifties and sixties when commercial mayonnaise was still actual mayonnaise. The modern product is not very interesting or anything like real mayonnaise (made with raw eggs and high quality fats) but it’s definitely a safe food due to all the processing and the way it is bottled/canned.

          • Aunt Jamesina :

            Yup: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/01/health/01real.html

        • My husband’s allergist told him that alcohol consumed in combination with an allergen can make the allergic reaction more severe. I have no idea whether this is true.

    • What does your GI say? I thought fevers were not uncommon with crohns.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        Waiting to touch base about the fever that is now gone. When we spoke after the last incident he didn’t think it sounded like a flare. I’ve been in remission for years. I have a 5 year routine scope that he moved up to August from November to double check.

        • Anonymous :

          That sounds like a good plan.

          One time fever….. ok, maybe not worry about it. But 2 times with fever/GI issues. I would think it is Crohn’s related.

          Disease can change over time. Doesn’t mean you are on a downturn, but just may need a tweak or two.

    • I have no diagnosed food allergies but will often get similar symptoms minus the fever after eating at certain restaurants, mostly chains. My guess is that there is some preservative or chemical in processed foods that causes it. Mayonnaise is often involved. I quit eating at those restaurants and everything is fine.

    • My SO has a fish allergy that causes hours and hours of vomiting and sometimes a slight fever. 101.3 sounds high though.

    • My sister is Celiac and she has developed a fever after eating gluten before.

      She also has lupus, and if she gets a massage with too much pressure from the therapist, she will also get a fever that night and the next day. It’s happened multiple times.

  18. Baconpancakes :

    More wardrobe questions because today’s the first day in three weeks I don’t have a single meeting all day:

    Someone posted here about outfit ideas for bright red pants a while ago, and after wrestling with myself for awhile, yesterday I decided that yes, I am the kind of woman who will wear red pants. Anyone remember where they were from?

  19. Conversation topics with pregnant friend? :

    This is probably a stupid question, but for the first time I have a close friend who is pregnant. I’m childless and none of my other good friends have been pregnant. Every time we talk I make sure to ask her how she’s feeling and other general questions like how the baby is doing but I’m not sure what else I should be asking. I asked when she would find out the gender and then when that date came, I texted her to ask what the gender was and she told me, but that’s been about the extent of our conversation about it. She doesn’t really bring up her pregnancy and I’m afraid she thinks I’m uninterested in talking about it, which is definitely not the case – I just have no idea what to say! (This friend and I are long distance so our communication is mostly via email/text).

    • Er, if you ask about it and she answers you, I’m not sure why you think you’re coming off as uninterested?

    • She is still a person, not just a baby incubator, so she would probably like to discuss topics other than her pregnancy.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Let her lead by asking general questions. “How’s the whole pregnancy thing treating you?” Assuming she’s partnered, “How are you and Partner feeling about baby?” “Is work being cool about it?”

      I would counsel you to avoid questions/phrasing that might make her feel like she’s behind, like, “Is the nursery ready?” But more general stuff like, “Whatcha thinking about sleeping arrangements?”

      So things I thought about while pregnant:
      – fear of birth and anxiety about the pregnancy
      – interactions between work and pregnancy/mat leave
      – how unprepared I was for bringing a baby home
      – how amazing tiny baby clothes are!
      – big schemes and dreams for baby and me and my partner as parents

      • Rainbow Hair :

        But yeah, I suspect you’re over-thinking it — because you want to be a good, supportive friend. It might be nice to even say that, “I want to support you with your pregnancy and baby! What can I do from here?”

    • It could be she’s the one not really interested in talking about it. I’d follow her lead.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Good point. When I was pregnant I went through weeks (months?) where I was so deathly anxious about it (and hormonal and *fragile*) that I just didn’t want to talk about it.

      • Yeah, the best way is to just ask her, “How are things going?” and then she can talk about everything from preparing the nursery to the N0rdstrom sale or whatever she wants.

        • Spirograph :

          A million times this. Talk to her exactly like you did before she was pregnant. If she brings up her pregnancy or baby preparations, follow that thread of the conversation as long as you like, but you don’t need to introduce the topic. Everyone she encounters is asking her about her pregnancy, and she’s probably tired of it.

    • Honestly, I got tired of talking about my own pregnancy. Check in with how she’s doing overall, but talk to her about other things in her life, whatever you talked about pre-pregnancy.

      • Delta Dawn :

        +1, just talk about what you normally talk about. You can throw in a baby question here and there, but you don’t have to. Everyone else is talking her to death about it, I promise.

    • No more helpful responses that I can give, but you sound like such a good friend!

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      Lots of women get tired of being treated like a baby incubator for nine months, so I think what you’re doing is just right.

    • I like “how’s bebe today?” Meaning the fetus – it can be answered and lightheartedly or seriously.

  20. Reading Glasses -- need small purse recs :

    I have 20/20 vision, but need reading glasses now (presbyopia — old, tired eyes. It’s a thing).

    I keep a pair at work and at home (cheap +1.5 glasses from the drug store that my eye dr is OK with). But I find that I need them in restaurants at night (cannot read the wine list or the bill — low light / low contrast = bad) and I’m finding that I like having them for reading my phone screen.

    I’m just used to carrying a clutch wallet that holds my phone. But now I need to go to full-out purse to hold a pair of reading glasses. I carry an OMG already back and forth to work and hate the idea of another full-sized bag.

    Can anyone recommend a small purse or clutch that will hold a clutch wallet and a pair of glasses (and, I guess, my keys)? My aesthetic tends towards crazy things like the Balenciaga envelope purse, but my budget is more MZ Wallace (and would be happy with anything I could use my Banana / Gap / Athleta gift cards on).

    • They sell really compact reading glasses that are stored in little tube not much bigger than a fat pen. They’re not the most gorgeous things but would get you through reading a menu.

      Look up “small reading glasses” on Amazon

      My vision’s the same as yours. I considered doing the two different contacts thing (have you heard of this? One contact for reading and one for distance, if needed) and apparently your brain adjusts and learns which eye to rely on for distance vs close vision. For me personally, the thought of that was too torturous so I eventually ended up with progressive lenses and I just wear glasses all the time now. I do have to carry a full handbag because I have separate prescription sunglasses that are also progressive lenses. I can’t stand not being able to read in any situation!

    • You can use your phone’s light (screen and/or flashlight) to read the menu. the camera doubles as a magnifying glass.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Presbyopia, man. Worst thing, by far, about aging IMO.

      I buy reading glasses by the half-dozen on Amazon. Also: I had a waiter recently who had a pair in his pocket when it turned out I had forgotten mine! Smart man! Big tip!

    • If you’re already a Lo & Sons person, I really like the Pearl. I actually ended up liking it a lot more than their larger bags.

      If you wanted to try to use your gift cards, this looks like a nice small bag from Banana (and it also comes in a snakeskin option if you wanted something “crazier.”) http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1005878&pcid=13915&vid=1&pid=781121002

    • Anonymous :

      Try a lorgnette. It’s functional jewelry. Some of them are so pretty.

      • Anonymous :

        Um…what? How are you supposed to get anything done if one of your hands is holding your glasses?

    • You could get smaller glasses. I have these folding reading glasses in my purse. https://www.readers.com/The-Edinburgh-Folding-Reader.html?on=Grey

  21. Rant because today is just ugh. There’s a family event I wanted to be at this weekend, but I don’t have enough PTO to take today off. Had fight with the BF last night and got basically zero sleep (we both decided to stay up and work it out, which was good for us but bad for our jobs). Was hoping for a quiet day today, but a new software program crashed first thing this morning so I have to work on getting the program fixed and do some hand-holding of people who seem to think this is the apocalypse. I’m not usually a stare at the clock and count the minutes kind of person, but today I can’t wait until 5pm.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Ugh. I’m sorry. TGIF. For sure.

      • Yes, I agree with Sloan Sabbith. BF turmoil is the name of the game, I had more then my fair share with my ex. But you seem to have gotten over it with him. I think I would like another BF, but the ones I am meeting are not interested in doeing more then seeing me for the evening, and then vanishing into the night. I sometimes feel that Sheketovits might not have been to bad, but I then wake up and say FOOEY; I deserve more. So we all have our issues, and I am glad that you worked your issue out. YAY!!!

  22. Friday night blues :

    I got called back early from my family vacation for work reasons so now I’m back at the mother ship while my husband and kids are posting pics of their adventures.

    It was my decision to do this based on the urgency of the work situation and I know it was the right thing to do, but I’m still a little bummed out.

    The immediate crisis will be resolved by end of business today and now it looks like I have Friday night and Saturday morning to myself before my family returns. I leave on a long-planned business trip Sunday morning.

    So I would like to do something a little indulgent for myself tonight. What would you do with this unexpected night and morning to yourself?

    • glass of wine, bubble bath with netflix, read a good book, run and get my nails done in the morning.

    • Change into comfy PJs, light candles, order takeout that the kids and DH hate. Eat on the couch, read or watch whatever I want on TV, and revel in the lack of interruptions.

    • I would treat myself to takeout from a place that I love, but which is not my husband’s/family’s favorite. and yes, nails, blowout, netflix, etc.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Yes, this. My SO is not into Indian takeout (but likes the buffet – shrug) so I would get Indian takeout, a half-bottle of wine, and stream a show he rolls his eyes at tonight, do a beauty day and get some pretentious juice bar smoothie and spend the day browsing stores tomorrow.

    • Anonymous :

      I would go see a movie or go shopping, eat out, sleep in, have a leisurely brunch while reading US magazine and then get nails done or a body scrub or something.

    • I’d probably go to the mall. It is insanely hard to make time for that with a little one and there are some things I don’t want to buy online without trying it on first.

  23. The Shark vacuum discussion reminded me… I have a roomba for my apartment which I love, but it obviously useless for getting pet hair off of furniture and out of tight corners. Any recs for a good handheld for just these uses?

    • I have this one and am happy with it. It’s pretty powerful.

      https://www.amazon.com/Dirt-Devil-Scorpion-Handheld-SD20005RED/dp/B002D47XOM

    • I have this one and love it. It’s super powerful and the battery lasts a long time. https://www.amazon.com/BLACK-DECKER-BDH2020FLFH-Lithium-20-volt/dp/B00JILGZOC/ref=sr_1_9?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1500047982&sr=1-9&keywords=black+and+decker+handheld+vacuum

    • KateMiddletown :

      We have this and it’s really powerful, but awkward to store (upright only) and probably not the best thing for getting pet hair off furniture. (We have a microsuede couch and a goldendoodle – my freshly folded laundry is consistently hairy.)
      https://www.amazon.com/BLACK-DECKER-CHV1410L-Cordless-Lithium/dp/B006LXOJC0/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1500048138&sr=1-1&keywords=black+and+decker+dustbuster

  24. I was just convinced to buy this dress by my Trunk Club stylist and now I’m having second thoughts. I’m not sure how professional the asymmetric hem is. It’s not as short on me as it is on the model. My office is business casual but I could see myself wearing this on a day when I had an event or a date after work or to a client meeting. What does the hive think? Sometimes I overthink these things and I can’t tell if this is one of those times :)

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/betsey-johnson-asymmetrical-dress/4614200

    • Totally acceptable in a business casual office.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      I really, really like that dress. It’s well out of my budget but if it were in black I’d be sorely tempted, and I would wear it to work for sure.

    • Oh that is really cute. If it’s a good length on you, rock that. I’m super tall so it would be inappropriate on me, but I like it a lot.

    • givemyregards :

      I love this dress! I have a hard time buying styles like this online because I’m tall and the waist never hits in the right spot, otherwise I’d order one myself. And I think it’s totally office appropriate for business casual.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Oooh that’s beautiful. I would wear it with high black heels and pretend I’m a secret punk rocker.

    • If that dress is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

    • LOVE it. I would love it with black tights in the winter

    • OP here – thanks for all the support! I guess I’m keeping it :)

  25. I like it.

  26. Eileen Fisher crepe pants sizing? :

    After several recommendations here, I’m going to order a pair of the Eileen Fisher washable crepe ankle pants. Wondering about sizing – I’m a 4/6 J Crew or 6/8 in Theory. What size should I order? I know their shirts run way big (I’m an XXS or XS) but not sure if pants are the same.

    • I have these pants (and love them). I am typically a 12, currently a 14ish with more weight in my stomach postpartum, and I ordered the large. They are comfortable and a bit roomy. The waistband is pretty forgiving (why I bought them). Probably in normal life I would have ordered the medium. If you are ordering from Nordstrom, maybe order both the XXS and the XS?

      • Agree. I’d order both sizes and try. They’re meant to be a bit loose but you might like them closer fitting. I do size down but I’m a borderline size so I just wear my size on the lower end of the border.

    • I LOVE EF CREPE PANTS!!! I’m a size 8 (10 in Theory) and the size S in EF crepe pants works great for me.

  27. Sloan Sabbith :

    http://www.seattletimes.com/business/panicked-brides-race-to-grab-dream-dresses-before-tukwila-store-closes/

    These poor women. :( What a horrible situation.

    • The place where I bought my dress is having a special discount for women who lost their dresses because of this. It would be devastating!

    • pugsnbourbon :

      Something similar happened when my mom was buying her dresses – the store went bankrupt and sold off items that were already purchased or in for alterations. Mom had her own dress and was able to get the bridesmaids dresses still there, but she remembers another woman sitting on the curb outside and sobbing. Her dress was gone and she was getting married in three days.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Good grief. That’s horrible.

    • Baconpancakes :

      I mean, this can’t be legal, right? They already paid for the dresses. You can’t sell something that you don’t own, which is the case for these dresses.

      • It’s a breach of the contract of sale (you pay me $X and I give you a dress on X date), but if the company has no money for refunds and no dresses for people, there isn’t much you can do. You’ll spend more on a lawyer than you’d get back and you still wouldn’t have a dress for your wedding three days from now. It’s awful, but I am not sure there is a good remedy here.

    • Linda from HR :

      Title is slightly misleading, at first I thought the store was just having a one-day clearance sale that people went crazy on. Losing a dress you already paid for, when you don’t have enough time to pick out another one before the wedding, is just awful. I’d be having a meltdown.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      I find it so unbelievably sh1tty that corporations can leave people scrambling like this. Not just the customers, but the employees! They found out they were out of work the same day. The company obviously knew this was in the works, how could they not tell them? Pretty sure The Limited ended like this, too.

    • Anonymous :

      At least they called and told the brides. I’ve seen it happen where they found out from a post-it on the store’s locked door.

      • Pen and Pencil :

        I am part of a bridal party affected by this. Luckily the bride got her dress somewhere else, but all together we are out probably $1k, the stores aren’t answering phones, the headquarters isn’t answering phones, there is absolutely no communication. Now we have to scramble to find bridesmaid dresses for a wedding two months out, with people that live in 6 different cities, with no leads for other dresses that we like. Surprisingly the bride has been fairly chill about it, but mother of the bride on the other hand….

    • Anonymous :

      My bridal party got there dresses from here (though I didn’t, thank goodness), none of which have been shipped. They did not call anyone, we all found out via press releases. It’s incredibly disorganized, just trying to figure out what to do with only a few weeks left…it’s a PITA.

  28. DC trip next week :

    1) any cheap nail places on the hill or in Alexandria?
    2) Best family friendly attractions (7 year old and two teens) – planning Zoo, Natural History Museum, and Spy Museum at least (is Newseum good for young kids?)

    • I love Pen Nails near Eastern Market! I live in Alexandria and cannot for the life of me find a good nail place – I’m curious what recs you get.

      I don’t have kids, so I’m not sure on the family friendly activities, but if you have history lovers and want to drive 25 minutes out of town, George Washington’s Mount Vernon is wonderful! I used to have an annual pass – there’s so much to see and do there.

      • No Problem :

        I got a manicure at Pen Nails 3 weeks ago this Sunday and it is still going strong. Regular manicure, not gel manicure. I’ve added a layer of top coat once or twice but otherwise nothing. Best manicure I’ve ever had and will definitely go back even though it’s nowhere near home and I don’t get manicures very often.

      • +1 Pen Nails. It isn’t fancy but they do exceptional work and a regular manicure there will last me 2 full weeks (I’m nightmarishly hard on my nails) and is $15 + tip.

    • Flats Only :

      A hint for the zoo, as it will be hot next week. If you’re taking the Metro, get off at the Cleveland Park station and walk downhill on Connecticut Ave. to the Zoo. When you’re ready to leave the zoo, walk downhill (turn left at the main gate) on Connecticut Ave. to Woodley Park-Zoo station. That will save you walking uphill to the Zoo when you get off the Metro.

    • Also visit the Air & Space Museum on the National Mall with your kids!

      Newseum isn’t good for young kids because it’s pretty reading heavy, so I would actually visit the National Building Museum instead. The National Building museum has a hands-on exhibit, and is currently showing their “summer block party” event Hive which is kind of interactive I believe.

  29. Has anyone been to Bryce Canyon or Zion National Parks? Would love recs on places to stay, activities, etc. Thanks!

    • LOVE that area! I haven’t been in a few years and would camp when I went there so can’t really recommend hotels. I’m so jealous if you’re planning a trip! Once upon a time, I found a website that ranked hiking trails like the ski resorts, so maybe look for that?

      Zion – The town of Springdale at the entrance is really cute. There are several hotels and restaurants. You can’t drive your car in the park but there is a shuttle system. One thing I like doing at national parks is hit all of the high points (that are accessible) and then going for a hike. Angel’s Landing is one of the more scenic hikes at Zion. I went horseback riding there and it was kind of fun if you’re into that.

      Bryce – There are several hotels at the entrance. I would pick one of those instead of in a nearby town (which is at least 20 miles away). The hotel inside the park might be neat too; I ate breakfast there. Definitely go for a hike in the canyon among the hoodoos.

      Highway 12, the road leading to Bryce, is supposedly one of the most scenic drives in the country. If you have more time, go up to Escalante National Monument and hike a slot canyon. I would also recommend buying a Utah Road and Recreation Atlas. Google maps doesn’t show everything in those parts.

      Have fun!

      • We stayed at the Desert Pearl Inn in Springdale for a family wedding and it was fantastic! Really nice people and right alongside the river, so you can fall asleep to the sounds of burbling/rushing water.

    • Zion is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. We have hiked the west rim trail (and just a bit of Angel’s Landing, but holy boats, others are far braver than I). The crowds really thin out after Angels Landing, so I highly suggest you keep going. Start any hikes super early in the morning to take advantage of the shade.

      We’ve also hiked the Narrows, which is incredible. The Virgin River is your trail and we started at the bottom and hiked probably six or so hours roundtrip. Would love to do one of the guided hikes from the top at some point. We rented shoes and hiking sticks from one of the local outfitters. We took the left fork when the canyon forked. For hotel, we have stayed at Cable Mountain Lodge and had a great room. We have also used Vegas as a home base with a daytrip up to Zion. It’s about a 2.5 – 3 hour drive, which can make for a long day, but it’s definitely doable.

      We drove up to Bryce Canyon from Zion once and was a little underwhelmed (but we REALLY love Zion). We’ve also spend quite a bit of time in the Bandlands, so it’s possible our judgement was clouded because it didn’t seem significantly different. Bryce is at a much higher elevation than Zion, so it’s important to make sure the snow has melted and the mud has dried before planning your hikes.

  30. ChristinaL :

    Need some advice from the Hive. I am turning 50 this year and I need reading glasses for the first time ever. All of the ones that I have seen (Target, Costco, TJ Maxx, Loft, Nordstom, Drugstores) are pretty ugly on me. Does anyone have a source for cute reading glasses? (I am also considering trying out progressive contact lenses. I have progressive glasses, which are OK but I don’t really like wearing glasses that much). Any advice appreciated; the ugly readers make me feel even older.

    • The struggle is real! I finally landed on the Peepers brand, which I found at a boutique but also is on Amazon. They look like regular glasses — not too twee or too old-lady, like many of the other readers I was finding. I like their Navigator style on my face.

    • Anonymous :

      Have reading glasses made by your optician with your choice of frames.

  31. How do you terminate a call with a particularly difficult person?

    A woman who called me yesterday was extremely fussy and argumentative. She was demanding, among other things, answers I could not provide (because I shouldn’t be giving her advice on those matters, it’s improper for me to do so), and I lost control of the conversation because she started getting agitated and unreasonable. It went on for quite a while, and since I’m in cubeland, when the call finally ended, my coworkers spontaneously applauded; several had dropped by me desk to whisper, “hang up on her, it’s not your job to deal with this kind of crazy.”

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I use, “I understand your concern, however, as you know, [brief reason you can’t talk about it]. If we can’t discuss [reasonable topic of discussion] I’m afraid I’ll have to end this call.”

      • Rainbow Hair :

        In my head I pretend there’s like some rule, like “I literally cannot continue this call. I’m so sorry, but that’s the hard and fast rule and a robot will hang up my phone if you don’t go back to the thing we’re supposed to talk about.”

    • I feel like this is a question for your manager or more senior work colleagues. In my personal life, I’d just hang up if someone was getting rude, but if this is a work call and you’re representing your company you probably can’t do that. Or at least I wouldn’t do that without express permission from your boss.

    • i lower the volume, mute it, roll my eyes, let them get it out and then ask, ok, sorry you feel that way, how do we get X done, tackle the next step, etc.

    • Shrink Anon :

      Psychiatrist here :) (so I very much know what it’s like being in that position, it’s part of my job!) Don’t be afraid of interrupting to redirect the conversation, give a warning that you are going to end the conversation (example,
      ” I have a meeting in 5 minutes, so we will need to wrap up this conversation soon and we can speak again at _ time on _ date”) and then interrupting again to say goodbye. It gets easier with practice, good luck next time!

      • Hilariously, I tried that twice. A coworker came by and loudly said, “Cookbooks, I need to in the meeting right now.” Then came by and said it again. I told her I was needed in a meeting. It didn’t work, she just barrelled on. Finally, same coworker took the receiver and told the woman she was my director and I was needed in a meeting, good bye. Call ended. That’s when everyone else applauded.

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          You’ve got to be more firm then just suggesting it. People think they are more important than you and your obligations. You’re going to have to be aggressive, if at all possible- it doesn’t feel natural to me to interrupt clients, but a firmly-stated “Sir, SIR, /SIR/,” until they pause (or their name or whatever) can do wonders.

          “Ma’am, I’m needed in a meeting now, so I have to go. Have a good afternoon.” Call ended.
          “Ma’m? Ma’am? MA’AM. I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have to go to an important meeting now, so I have to end the call. Have a good afternoon.” Call ended.

          • I’m working on being more assertive, but I’m not always successful.; I fall back on being more accommodating than I should be. You’re totally right though about people thinking they are more important. I work in government on the legal side and was once accused by a caller of “doing nothing while sitting around making $100K.” Because yes, that’s absolutely what goes on here.

            I might put these on a post-it note by the phone as a reminder. Thanks, Sloan!

          • Sloan Sabbith :

            It takes practice, and it sucks- I’m always a bit shaken after hanging up on someone, because OMG I just HUNG UP ON SOMEONE AT WORK. My clients accuse me of doing nothing/hating them/being rich/etc constantly. My colleagues and I commiserate about it and try to move on.

          • Anonymous :

            If you have given them a chance to calm down and they refuse to take it, you should not feel badly about ending the call and hanging up. You are not their punching bag and you do not deserve to be treated disrespectfully just because you happen to be on the other end of the phone. When someone disrespects me, they lose the right to take up my valuable time. Your time is valuable too!

          • Cookbooks – I’m in government too and Sloan’s advice is spot-on. I don’t get these calls so much anymore, but I used to work on a file where I got a lot of people calling to vent and they would go on and on about unrelated issues. The amount of actual help I could give them was limited beyond redirecting them to a more appropriate level of government (think someone calling the Department of Ed for a local school board issue). I did a lot of sympathetic listening, but at some point it’s a waste of time. Luckily most of them didn’t direct their ire at me – if they did, I would say “I understand your frustration” and if it was on some concrete policy issue I would say “I will certainly make a note of your feedback and share it with the right people.” Several times I used the “I do have to go into another meeting now, so I encourage you to call X and I wish you all the best” when they wouldn’t get off the phone.

            And as someone in government who relies on legal counsel – thanks for all the hard work you do and for putting up with constant requests from your policy-side/program area clients ;)

        • Senior Attorney :

          One of the very best things I ever learned was that “no” is a complete sentence. I don’t have to make the other person agree, or make them happy to hear it. I just have to convey the information. When I finally figured that out, my life got so much simpler.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I’m in legal aid. I deal with this a LOT. I was previously told these are “condescending,” but I have boundaries: my clients or potential clients don’t get to scream at me or verbally abuse me. If that means I’m condescending, so be it.

      “Sir/ma’am, I’ve already provided you the advice/referrals/information I’ll be able to provide. I have other appointments this afternoon, so I’m going to have to let you go. I hope this information was helpful, have a good day.” Then hang up.
      “It sounds like you feel very strongly about this. Unfortunately, as I’ve said, I can’t provide you advice on it. I’d recommend you (go to the place I already sent them, call the Bar Association for a referral, look at the information I sent). But since I can’t provide any advice, this is no longer a good use of time for you or me. To be clear, I advised you on X and Y; do you have any questions about that? If not, I’m going to let you go.”
      “Sir, we can’t have a conversation when you’re yelling at me. If you continue yelling, I’m going to end the call.” And then, if he (or she) continues yelling, say “I’m ending the call” and hang up. Write a letter to summarize what you said about whatever you can help with.

      “I’m going to let you go now” has the effect of making people think it was their idea.

      • Anonymous :

        I don’t like “I’m going to let you go now.” It is a passive-aggressive, condescending expression that really means “you are talking too much and need to let me go now.” Much less rude to be direct: “I need to go now.” That gets the message across without implicitly criticizing the other party.

        • Baconpancakes :

          …are you replying to the same thread I’m reading? Passive-aggressive is way more polite than this person deserved.

        • Aunt Jamesina :

          Yeah, I guess I read the expression “I’m going to let you go now” quite differently from you. It reads to me as fairly neutral (depending on tone, of course). And I agree with Baconpancakes that a bit of passive-aggressive is just fine in this situation anyway!

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          But the issue is “I need” puts your needs front and center. “I’m going to let YOU go now” makes it about them. And when people are being b*tshit crazy, make it about them so you can escape.

  32. Sloan Sabbith :

    But the issue is “I need” puts your needs front and center. “I’m going to let YOU go now” makes it about them. And when people are being (f-ing) crazy, make it about them so you can escape.

    Definitely went into mod because I *ed out the wrong vowel in a swearword.

  33. A note of thanks to a formal shoe comment thread a few weeks ago- I ordered the Pelle Moda Aleras in white for my wedding in September, and they are perfect. Beautiful, comfortable, and didnt cost me an arm and a leg. The blue soles are a nice touch, and I’m much more comfortable in these than in the similar (but much more $$) Kate Spade Sala.

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