Coffee Break: Taylor Headphones

frends headphones I got a pair of Frends headphones with BaubleBar credits a while ago, and am surprised by how much I really like them.  The sound quality is good, although I’m not terribly picky about that, and in addition to the stylishness and sheer prettiness of the headphones, one of my favorite features is the cord.  This is an odd thing to call out, but here’s what I like: it’s fabric. It doesn’t tangle or get kinks in it, and it lays flat and is easy to manage.  These “oil slick” headphones are even cooler than the white/rose gold pair I got, and they’re part of the big ShopBop sale: they’re normally $200, but with code SHOPEVENT they come down to 15-25% off, depending on how much you spend. (Arrgh, correction, the 15% discount doesn’t kick in until you spend $250. Here are a few suggestions if you’re looking for small things to add to your cart: awesome fleece tights, hello, shearling insoles for Hunter boots, pretty crawler earrings. This is $65, but I’m kind of obsessed with this pretty pendant necklace.) Pictured: FRENDS Taylor Headphones

Here’s our last discussion on the propriety of headphones at the office

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Comments

  1. Anonymous :

    Best headphones for running? My iPhone ear buds don’t stay in.

    • Anonymous :

      Yurbuds

    • Anonymous :

      Yurbuds. I bought mine 3 years ago and they’re still awesome. Pretty good for $20 headphones.

    • Just ordered these a couple weeks ago. Wildly impressed and $8. Win win win. Panasonic RPHJE120S In-Ear Headphone, Silver https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003EM800S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awd_.pk2wbZHJ7669

    • If you want bluetooth, I love LOVE love my Plantronics Backbeat Fit headphones. Wear them running and in the gym. I’ve had them a year and a half now (average 4X per week) and haven’t had any issues with music cutting out or losing the signal.

    • Anonymous :

      Any of the cheap earbuds that come with different size silicon pieces will work. I don’t understand who the Apple earbugs are supposed to fit! Certainly not me.

    • lost academic :

      Philips Rich Bass Neckband Headphones SHS5200/28.

      Hands down. I’ve had many friends buy them after seeing and using them. All purpose! Go over the ear and around the neck (I can’t use in-ear headphones). Crazy long fabric cord that wraps up really nicely for any particular activity. Never had any ear fatigue. $17 right now.

  2. I love this “four-car train of whoop ass” so much.

    http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/supreme_court_dispatches/2016/03/in_oral_arguments_for_the_texas_abortion_case_the_three_female_justices.html

    • Anonymous :

      Yes. Fabulous.

    • Anonymous :

      Just read this too. So Awesome!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      This is one of my favorite parts:

      HOW THREE FIERCE FEMALE JUSTICES TOOK CONTROL OF THE SUPREME COURT
      SUPREME COURT DISPATCHES
      ORAL ARGUMENT FROM THE COURT.
      MARCH 2 2016 6:20 PM
      The Women Take Over
      In oral arguments for the Texas abortion case, the three female justices upend the Supreme Court’s balance of power.

      By Dahlia Lithwick
      (Continued from Page 1)
      The remainder of the argument basically just consists of the four liberal justices pounding away on Texas Solicitor General Scott Keller.

      Ginsburg begins by asking Keller how many Texas women live more than 100 miles from an abortion clinic. When he tells her that women in El Paso can hop over the border to New Mexico, she stops him short. “That’s odd,” she muses, “that you point to the New Mexico facility. New Mexico doesn’t have any surgical ASC requirement, and it doesn’t have any admitting requirement. So if your argument is right, then New Mexico is not an available way out for Texas because Texas says to protect our women, we need these things.”

    • Anonymous :

      I loved this so much too.

    • Trying again with the link

      http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/supreme_court_dispatches/2016/03/in_oral_arguments_for_the_texas_abortion_case_the_three_female_justices.html

    • Senior Attorney :

      Yup. Boom!

  3. Any Chicago therapist recommendations for the issues of depression/anxiety?

    • Moonstone :

      Laurie Walsh. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/Laurie_Walsh_MSW,LCSW,MSOM,LAc_Chicago_Illinois_35083

    • anon therapy :

      Wendy Wasson. Not sure if she’s taking new patients, but she is the BEST.

      http://www.wendywassonphd.com/

    • Anon for This :

      Jayne Kinsman at the Northwestern Family Institute. She sees patients in the Loop and in some other offices. Or, I just highly recommend the Family Institute in general. Their intake can match you with someone by specialty / location / insurance.

  4. Sydney Bristow :

    I’m having a rough week for no good reason. I’m just in a bad mood and everything seems to rub me the wrong way. I got annoyed with my husband over something super minor and feel stupid for letting it get to me. On any other week it wouldn’t bug me. My coworkers like to chat and it’s bugging me this week. My current case at work is totally boring but also super complicated and requires intense concentration. I’m so tired for some reason that I fell asleep at 8pm last night despite regularly getting at least 7 hours of sleep. I haven’t stuck to my eating plan at all this week. I feel sort of anxious for no reason. I’m annoyed by Facebook and most of the internet in general and politics is just making it worse. I’m going to try and stay away from the online places that are annoying me but my sister is on vacation this week and I want to see her pictures. I just want to go hang out in a sensory deprivation tank or something for awhile where nothing can bug me. I know none of this is rational, which just bugs me more. Sorry for the rant. Not sure what I’m looking for but I needed to express myself.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Hugs. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up.

    • Anonymous :

      When I feel like this, I go home after work, eat a healthier-than-usual dinner, pour a glass of wine, take a bath and read a fiction book. I avoid tv, radio, my phone, etc. It’s my own version of sensory deprivation. And I find it usually only takes a few hours to feel reset and refreshed.

      • Honey and Tea :

        Yes, reading helps me disconnect and feel calmer.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        This was more or less my plan last night and then I fell asleep early. I’m going to try again tonight.

        • Wildkitten :

          Sometimes when I feel HORRIBLE I fall asleep early and realize I am cranky from being tired. Gretchen Rubin has some thing about we take care of toddles by planning snacks and naps but we forget that we as adults also need those things to not melt down.

    • I know how you feel and normally be right there with you. I’m trying to decide whether to tell you about my day on Tuesday, which was a nightmare – embarrassing and miserable! But it’s so sort of out of the ordinary and not fair to dump on you…

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Go for it. Venting seems to be a little helpful!

        • Tuesday morning I ran for the train, but tripped and fell on the escalator. Didn’t realize I was bleeding profusely until I took my seat (black tights). Got so dizzy my eyes got blurry and then went black.

          Tried to get off at the next stop, but the doors closed too quickly. And then I puked. Tried to use my lunch bag, but missed.

          Luckily, I hadn’t eaten anything so it was all water and I cleaned it up with my gym clothes. Then I got off at the next stop.

          Had a long and miserable journey home. I’ll spare you that story. Outbound trains don’t run as often. And, of course, I could barely move. Plus, I still had to drive when I got to my station.

          Turns out I’d come down with the stomach bug that my brother’s family had. Chills, fever, etc on top of the migraines and period I still have.

          On the bright side, though, I went into work today. At least 4 of the people on this morning’s train were on Tuesday’s train and they didn’t look at me funny so maybe I was really discreet the other day.

          The weekend can’t come soon enough!

          • Sydney Bristow :

            That’s horrible! I’m sorry!

            I’ve fallen on the escalator running for the train before. Likely had a concussion but didn’t have insurance so I didn’t go get checked out. Being sick or hurt on the train is just awful.

          • I tripped and fell in the busiest hallway in my building on Wednesday, during the morning rush. No blood, but I banged my knees so badly that I could barely walk for the rest of the day. Worst of all, one of my coworkers saw the whole thing and got on the elevator with me afterward… #awkward.

    • Anonymous :

      Congrats on your bun in the oven?

    • Ohhhhhhh, have I been there. It sucks. You don’t want to be cranky/easily irritable/anxious, but you are and it’s hard to shut it down. I echo what others have said about trying to recreate your own sensory deprivation tank – bathtub, candle, book (or closed eyes depending on my brain activity), and wine.

      • TO Lawyer :

        I’m having a cranky day/week too. My plan is to get dinner that feels like junk food but aligns to my diet (I’m currently on South Beach Phase 1 so my usual go to, which includes wine, is off limits), sit at home, watch trashy but fun tv and go to bed early. Hopefully we’ll feel better tomorrow! And if not, at least it’s almost the weekend.

  5. Etiquette question :

    I have a question about etiquette and business travelling. I have been with my current company for 5 years. Next month the company is sending us across the country for a conference. This is the first time since I have worked here that we have ever had to travel anywhere. I live in New York and the conference is in San Francisco. The company has booked plane tickets for everyone.

    I hate flying. I was in plane crash in my country of birth before my family emigrated here and I was old enough that I can remember it. I don’t want to fly. It would be no problem for me to take a couple of personal days before and after the conference. Would I be off base telling my boss that I don’t want to fly and would rather buy myself a bus ticket to go to the conference? What’s the etiquette around something like this?

    • Anonymous :

      “Hey boss, actually I don’t fly. I have plenty of personal days though so I plan to use three of them before and after and take the train.”

      But I think your boss will probably just tell you not to bother. And that the time to speak up about this was before the tickets were booked, unfortunately.

      • Etiquette question :

        I only found about the conference and the plane tickets this morning. I wish I had known sooner so I could have asked him before the tickets were bought.

        • Wildkitten :

          If the company bought tickets without checking with you first they are probably refundable. Taking the train long distance is actually really delightful, especially if you can get a train with a sleeper car. Also Xanax.

      • Anon for this :

        Agree with this. Tell your boss you don’t fly. Period. There may be a time to address deeper issues, but it shouldn’t be forced by a random work event. I had a parent die in an aviation crash. I won’t get on that type of aeronautical equipment. Period. Full stop. Non-starter for me. I get it. If you need to get to the event, get there, enjoy yourself, luxuriate on the train (which is a thousand times better than the bus) there and back. If you are pushed on why not, I would go with a straight-forward explanation. Anyone who doesn’t respond with empathy and compassion is a (pick your four letter word).

    • Anonymous :

      Do you absolutely have to go? If possible, I would beg off entirely and avoid the travel. If you do have to go, I think actually being in a plane crash is a completely reasonable reason to avoid flying. I don’t really think this is a etiquette issue – you need to do what you are ok with.

      • Etiquette question :

        I do. The conference is relevant to my work and my department and if everyone else goes and I don’t it will hinder my work and cause problems. I don’t mind going. I just don’t want to fly there.

      • It is very difficult, in this country, to have any kind of responsible job where traveling is not involved. Because the USA is so large–3000 coast to coast, not even counting Hawaii and Alaska, much of the travel has to be done by air, as there simply is not enough time to sashee across the country by rail, bus or car. Things are different in Europe, which is smaller to start with, and which has a vastly better rail system. Years ago, I knew a woman with a similar phobia, and she was transferred to Switzerland, where she managed to avoid air travel entirely for the rest of her career. I would recommend you either 1) get over your fear of air travel; 2) transfer to a jurisdiction small enough to avoid much if not all air travel or 3) take a new job with a company where travel is limited to taking packages down to the postal office. Once you make the right choice, you will have a satisfying career free of this phobia. Alternatively, you may buy tickets to Mega Millions, win it, and live happily ever after. All your choices, gurl!

        • Anonymous :

          I agree. Your fear may be justified (although honestly, if this was 20+ years ago and your home country was less developed than the US at that point, I’m not sure it really is), but either way this presents a huge obstacle for doing your job. I think your best bet is to get a job without long distance travel or move somewhere smaller where train travel is practical.

          • Etiquette question :

            The crash was over twenty years ago but I can remember it more clearly than anything else in my life. I would never take a job where I was required to fly all the time but I have worked here for 5 years and this is the first time I have ever heard of anyone having to travel outside of New York. Some of my colleagues who have been with the company for over 12 years also said they have never been asked to travel before or heard of anyone travelling outside of the state. This is entirely new and may be a one off, so I could handle going out of state since it is not a regular thing, but on a bus or a train, not a plane.

          • Anon for this :

            While time heals most wounds, some it does not. If you have been witness to this type of thing, the memories that remain are not a phobia or an irrational fear, they are a deep seated part of who you are. Therapy helps, but it cannot change the past.

    • Anonymous :

      I do not know the proper etiquette surrounding this, but considering you have literally been in a plane crash, it seems like a pretty reasonable request to ask to bus to the conference. Like I feel that most normal human beings would recognize that your fear is from experience and want to work with you. I would even see if the company would buy your bus ticket.

      • I agree completely. There’s a big difference between “fear of flying generally” and “fear of flying because I was in a plane crash,” in my mind. Any reasonable boss and company would want to accommodate that.

        • It is very difficult, in this country, to have any kind of responsible job where traveling is not involved. Because the USA is so large–3000 coast to coast, not even counting Hawaii and Alaska, much of the travel has to be done by air, as there simply is not enough time to sashee across the country by rail, bus or car. Things are different in Europe, which is smaller to start with, and which has a vastly better rail system. Years ago, I knew a woman with a similar phobia, and she was transferred to Switzerland, where she managed to avoid air travel entirely for the rest of her career. I would recommend you either 1) get over your fear of air travel; 2) transfer to a jurisdiction small enough to avoid much if not all air travel or 3) take a new job with a company where travel is limited to taking packages down to the postal office. Once you make the right choice, you will have a satisfying career free of this phobia. Alternatively, you may buy tickets to Mega Millions, win it, and live happily ever after. All your choices, gurl!

          • Anonymous :

            No, it’s really not. I know plenty of people with “responsible jobs” who don’t ever travel for work. Especially in this age of shrinking budgets/cost cutting and improved teleconferencing technology. Local litigators spring to mind as an example–No one at my old firm ever traveled for work. Doctors who don’t go to conferences. Really anything that just involves local work.

          • Anonymous :

            I have a responsible job. I work for an international company, with offices in 8 countries. I run their international tax department. Other than the totally optional travel I occasionally choose to do for continuing education, my job involves no travel at all. IF you are in sales, maybe you’d need to travel. But nowhere did OP say that, and she’s never had to travel for this job before.

    • KLM is the best airline ever! :

      I landed once with no landing gear. I think we are in two camps — strong love to fly people and never again people. I totally get it though — it is a life-changing experience.

      I would tell the boss what you wrote: you were in a plane that crashed and you now don’t fly. But please consider a train over a bus. The train will be annoying and slow, but the bus will be a million times worse.

    • Alternatively, you might look at this as an opportunity to address your fears. A few quick sessions of CBT could really help, and not just for this specific trip.

    • traveller :

      Taking the bus cross country and will put you out of the office for too many days. Better to beg off from the conference altogether. Or face the feat and fly anyways.

    • Etiquette question :

      I appreciate all the replies from everyone. Respectfully I won’t be trying to get over my fear or take anxiety medication. I will talk to my boss to see what my options are for not flying. I would never take a job where I was required to travel lots because I would have no choice but to fly, but I think this may be a one off because this is thr first out of state travel I have heard of in 5 years of working here and I have collegues who have been here 12+ years and it’s the first time as well.

      • Anon for this :

        Just… hugs.

      • Anon for this :

        And one more thought: it royally stinks to have your past unexpectedly take center stage at work and to have to work and think through these issues. There is no easy answer, but it sounds like you are being thoughtful.

      • First Year Anon :

        I love travelling and have no fear of flying- anyone saying you should just get over it or get a new type of job is being ridiculous. I would be completely sympathetic to your situation- just because your job randomly asked you to travel once does not mean you should have to move somewhere where plane travel isn’t as common. I totally get why this would be an issue for you.

        I would talk to your boss.

      • Anonymous :

        Honestly, I think most people will understand that you were in an actual plane crash. Ask to switch your ticket to a train (not bus unless you have to!) ticket and tell them you will not charge your labor for the duration. If they didn’t check if you were free, don’t feel bad about the plane ticket.

      • I’m in the aviation legal field and have written much about how safe commercial aviation is in the USA, but that said, it’s possible you have lingering emotional trauma from the accident you were in, and would have a medical exclusion from flying, should your employer attempt to make you do it. You might want to bring it up with HR if you get any push-back. And also, a sleeper train would be much better than the bus.

      • Anonymous :

        Just throwing this out there – it sounds like you may have PTSD from the plane crash. I know where I live, PTSD is considered a condition for which the provisions of the ADA require my employer to make reasonable accommodations. Traveling by train seems a perfectly reasonable accommodation to me given your situation. And I would hope your employer agrees. If you have an HR department, maybe speak with them?

        • Coach Laura :

          I love this response and ORD’s response above. This s!te is so great with information. I agree that you should push back, take the train (I love Amtrak but it is slow going all the way across the US) and go if possible. If you have to use vacation time, load up your kindle or your iPad and enjoy the ride.

          BTW, I’ve worked for Fortune 100 companies, medium companies and small companies and have never, ever worked at one where they booked people on a flight without clearing dates and asking beforehand. The fact that they did not should not be your problem. If they used a travel agent, I think they should be able to get a refund on your ticket.

      • I agree that not flying should be a reasonable accommodation for you. But, I think you should tell your boss why you don’t fly. Otherwise they may not be as respectful of your situation.

        Also, if you don’t mind me asking, if the plane crash was in your home country, how did you get to NY? Just curious if you had to fly again, one last time. If so, that is amazing. Well, you are amazing either way but holy crap.

        I have one of the irrational fears of flying but I still fly. I’m so afraid that I will fly somewhere far from (yes with Xanax) and then have my fear become overpowering and not be able to get home. There was a news story about a young boy this happened to. He would have such a powerful anxiety reaction that the airlines weren’t letting him fly and his family was stranded at their vacation destination. So, just super curious how you got from home country to here, though I recognize for any of South America or Canada, the answer could be car/train/bus.

        • Etiquette question :

          We came to the United States by boat. We landed in Florida first but settled in New York because my parents knew people there. My parents won’t fly either after the crash. My brother was too young to remember anything so he doesn’t mind flying at all. But my parents and I don’t ever want to fly again.

      • If it helps I had a young employee who I was delegating interstate trips to in order to raise her profile. I went with her one time and realised she was terrified of flying (even without your awful history). Ever since I have limited her travel to things we can plan for (eg. She goes on Sunday via train rather than Monday morning by plane) . I wish she had told me earlier, I hope your boss feels the same.

        Many hugs to you! To

  6. Anon for this :

    My brother in law is dying of brain cancer. They are on the other side of the country. My mom is there now and keeps texting me horrible updates.

    I hate all of my clients and work in general.

    I want to be a SAHM (yes, admitting it here of all places) and I never will be because A) I’m alone in the world and B) even if I weren’t I’d feel too guilty to give up working when I still have student loans.

    I’ve gotten almost nothing done and no hours billed this week because I’m so miserable and depressed all the time.

    I run, do yoga, and play with my dog and cats. I eat healthy food. I watch my shows. I’m still miserable.

    I’ve been to therapy and I hate it. It doesn’t help situational depression.

    I don’t know why I’m writing any of this.

    • But is it situational or has this been going on for a while (and is now worse because of the crappy stuff you’re going through)? Can you try a new therapist? Can you try to get a short-to-mid-term prescription from a psychiatrist?

      • Anon for this :

        I’ve tried three over the past two years. I’d rather save the co-pays at this point. I was on Celexa for about 6 months and felt no differently. I know almost everyone things some kind of therapy/meds combo will work for every problem, but sometimes they just don’t.

        • Anonymous :

          Because you are depressed. Keep trying.

        • Anonymous :

          Then you needed a higher dose, or a different medicine.

          Your negative midset is working against you right now. You are not that special of a snowflake.

          You can afford the co-pay. Try again. There is nothing in your life more important than this right now.

          Ask me how I know.

        • Meg March :

          If you were in physical pain that was LITERALLY PREVENTING YOU from doing your job, would you pay the copay? Seconding all the recommendations to keep working with your psychiatrist to find an antidepressant that works for you. These things take time and yes, trial-and-error.

      • have you tried a ssrn like wellbutrin? keep trying. not all drugs are created equal and you need to believe that things will get better. you are in a shitty shitty situation with your family but it sounds like you have more than just situational depression. it CAN get better and you should keep trying!

        – realized my depression was a problem because of situational stuff, got on meds, and realized how life changing it was for the rest of my life even with the situation resolving itself

    • Anonymous :

      Do you take anti-depressants? Because it sounds like you are in desperate need of them.

    • (not that) Ellen :

      Because you needed to be heard. You’ve been heard. I don’t have anything helpful to offer, just sympathy and hugs. I’m sending you healing energy, if you are amenable to that sort of thing.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m so sorry. Could you move? It sounds like a lot of your unhappiness is (understandably) stemming from being so far from family during a very difficult time and you don’t like your job, so it might be worth starting over somewhere else. Alternatively, could you take a leave of absence from work to be with your mom and sibling while your BIL is very ill? Most large law firms grant leaves of absence pretty liberally in those situations and I think anyone with even half a heart would be understanding of what your family is going through right now.

      • Anon for this :

        Thank you, but I’m not in BigLaw and a leave of absence isn’t an option for various reasons. I like where I live (my mom actually lives here and is staying/helping on the other coast during all of this). Everything just sucks, and I’m tired of dealing with other people’s dumb legal problems all the time when they’re the ones making terrible decisions. I do everything right, and my life still blows.

        Yes, I know, it’s depression. Functional depression. Everyone tries to help by telling me to go to therapy and go on meds. I need people to just commiserate and say I’m sorry, that sucks. But as a 30 something with no friends close by, that doesn’t happen more than over occasional text.

        F-it. I quit for the day.

        • Anonymous :

          Get off this “Functional depression” excuse. You are depressed. It doesn’t matter how you got there. Your brain has the same dysfuction regardless of the cause. There are options to get out of it.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I’m so sorry.

    • It’s OK to be sad. You have some real life events happening here and it’s not necessarily an accident of your brain chemistry that they make you feel sad.

      Talk therapy may help, or talking to a non-therapist and just getting it off your chest, like you did here.

      Your brother in law will eventually die and your family will grieve him but this particular tragedy has an end point. Don’t make decisions about everything else until the crisis has passed.

      • Anonymous :

        + 1 million. I don’t know why everyone here thinks anti-depressants are the answer to everything. They fix you when you are sad when you shouldn’t be. Sometimes it’s completely reasonable to be very, very sad.

        • Anon for this :

          Thank you. The bottom line is that I take care of everything for everyone – shoulder for mom and sister, lawyer for my idiot clients, guardian to my pets (who I love and adore and they love me). But no one takes care of me and I’m getting to the point where I can’t take it.

          • Anonymous :

            Ok, so this will sound really trite, but it honestly helps me a lot with that feeling. Full body massage. Just having the focus of 75 minutes being someone else paying attention to my body in a healing way is so emotionally rewarding.

            Having no one to turn to is really hard. I’ve been there. Lots of things to do about it long term but this helps me through the short term rough patches.

          • Wildkitten :

            Tell your doctor or psychiatrist. The meds you are on are not working and you need different meds. Life can be HARD but it is bearable. What you are describing is a hard situation piled on top of depression. You need new meds.

          • Coach Laura :

            Anon – your brother in law’s brain cancer has put you into a caregiving mode even though you’re not there physically with him. Other than trying a different anti-depressant (they aren’t all the same, no one-size-fits-all) and a massage – great idea – what about finding a cancer support group for family members? Many hospitals have them and it might be a free place to go and get support. Hope some of the support here helps too.

          • Anonymous :

            Well, I felt the same way for a long time and I finally yelled that I am not Jesus Christ. And, you know what? It helped. Because I realized that I really am not Jesus and I can’t fix everyone’s problems. So I learned to say no sometimes.

        • Anonymous :

          This. Having a family member who is dying and being the family support system as a result are stressful, sad events. And it’s totally normal and expected to be sad and distracted by these things. That does not necessarily mean that you are clinically depressed. Maybe you are. Maybe you’re not now, but your reaction to the stress will make you clinically depressed in the future once you’re through the eye of the storm. But maybe you’re just human. Frankly, it scares me a little that everyone (on this site and in the world at large) jumps to the idea that medicating is a good idea. Maybe we just need to accept that death is sad?

    • Also, do you actually want those updates from your mom? Can you, instead, tell her to only update you if there is a MAJOR change, or if you ask her for an update?

    • Anonymous :

      I’m sorry to hear about your brother in law. Is there any way you can take a short leave? Also, I don’t mean to sound patronizing, but I have been there and I get it. For me it was not being a SAHM but having a partner, and it really sucks when you want something but just don’t have it and it’s not entirely in your own power to get what you want, and you’re faced with an event that makes you think about the bigger picture of life. Is there anything you can do to work toward not being “alone in the world”?

      • Anon for this :

        It’s more the partner thing than the SAHM thing honestly. I probably wrote that bc I hate work so much right now. But I do think about that too. There is no pill or talk therapy fix when you want a partner. I date a bit here and there. Nothing has stuck.

        • Anonymous :

          It probably took me about five years of concentrated effort to get somebody to stick – I don’t know if that is depressing or reassuring! But, I think there’s also a larger social need, not just a partner, but having more friends. I really had to put myself out there a lot, both to make friends and find a partner, but I do have more friends now than I started out with which is also helpful. You really do need people. And also, the other commenter is right- getting massages is good for you mentally. I really recommend it.

        • I hate to push this, but if you’re depressed and not finding a partner, it’s not crazy to think being depressed is at least somewhat hindering your search. Therefore, in this case, there may be a pill to fix not having a partner.

          You are not just sad because your BIL is dying… you’ve tried therapy/meds for the past 2 years. You are depressed. It’s super hard to keep trying things that aren’t working, but you’ve only tried one med. Sometimes it takes 3-4 med changes for people to see results, and it can take up to 4-6 weeks.

        • Yeah I was going to ask whether the SAHM thing was more of an escape fantasy for you. I agree that you should explore depression further as a cause I’m sorry you’re going through this :(

          • In-House Europe :

            I’m not even going to go anon for this, this is something way too dear to my heart. My father committed suicide when I was 20 due to untreated depression. This is a disease that kills. Seriously, honestly, kills people. And reading your posts sounds so much like where he was at in the months before his suicide that it scares me. It’s been said so often that it’s almost trite, but if you had diabetes, and the first medication you tried didn’t work, wouldn’t you try more until you found something that did work? Please, as someone who has had to live with the fall-out for 20 years, take care of yourself. Go back to your doctor and get some medicine that works. I realized early on that I also have depression and over the years have taken various medications. What worked for me was a combination of a dopamine (Buproprion) and a seratonin/SSRI (Escitalopram). But it took me years to find the right combination. Just this morning I was in tears due to things that normally wouldn’t bother me as much, and I realized I had skipped 3 days of medicine (this is not recommended!!). Please don’t do this to yourself and your family – take this just as seriously as you would take any other disease.

  7. purplesneakers :

    Does anyone have suggestions for what should go in a basic professional make-up kit? My (well-intentioned but clueless) aunt just gave me a Sephora gift card, not realising that I pretty much only ever wear liner and lippy. I’d like to take advantage of this to put together a small collection of good quality makeup basics.

    I didn’t grow up wearing makeup, but I would like to learn, so any tips would be helpful. (I am South Asian, with clear skin and a round face, if that helps.) Recs for drugstore brands/non-Sephora favourites also welcome. TIA!

    • Anonymous :

      Personally, I’d spend all of that money on fancy sunscreen and shampoo!

    • More lip liner/gloss/stick. Buy the stuff you’re going to wear. Good facial oil. SUNSCREEN. Blush takes everyone’s face to the next level – I like Josie Maran’s stick blush leaps and bounds over anything else. Since you have great skin, I wouldn’t mess with foundation and primers that would muck it up. I would also say eyeliner/shadow/mascara for fancier occasions but not from Sephora since you’re not into it. If you like palettes, I love Kat von D and Too Faced a lot more than Urban Decay.

    • I would get a good tinted moisturizer and blush. I wear those along with mascara on the days that I want to feel more put together (I have okay skin but when I want to look super polished the TM helps it look really even and nice). I use the clinique stay matte TM, NARS blush and high recommend them.

      • AnotherAnon :

        Would like to know more about Clinique stay matte TM. I was a Clinique wearer for years, but the superbalanced just wasn’t cutting it for me anymore. Was oily as a teenager, then combo (because of accutane) now I’m back to oily. My skin isn’t great, but not terrible. I’m used to medium coverage from foundation. Do you think stay matte could be for me? Maybe I should just go to the Nordstrom makeup counter instead of grilling you :)

      • Platinomad :

        Yeah, my basic professional makeup is a tinted moisturizer (i swear by Laura Mercier and it is available in a lot of skin colors, available at sephora), blush (i like NARS), and a nice mascara.

    • I would suggest investing in a good foundation or tinted moisturizer. From Sephora, I love Makeup Forever HD foundation. Drugstore – I’ve had good experiences with Revlon ColorStay and L’Oreal True Match. I’m Indian and my skin has yellow undertones and I’ve found the drugstore brands actually decent color ranges. If you go to Sephora, they can help you find a good foundation match and and you can try the colors. Also, I like using a brush to apply foundation. I have one from Sonia Kashuk that I like.

      I like some of the “neutral” palettes from Too Faced. They come with some basic instructions that are helpful. Maybe also get some brushes to apply the shadows.

      For wearing makeup, I like watching You Tube videos. Lisa Eldridge is good. Some other channels I follow are Makeup by TiffanyD, Tati, Leyla Rose.

      • naijamodel :

        Seconding the Revlon Colorstay recommendation for foundation. If you are within the color range, the Cover Girl Queen 3 in 1 is a great foundation…but you sound like you don’t need that much coverage…

    • naijamodel :

      Oooo, this is fun, I love makeup shopping!
      A neutral eyeshadow palette. Get one that is brown girl-friendly. I would either swatch them all on my hand without primer, or ask the associate to do a simple work eye for you. You might like the NAKED palette (many people do), but it does absolutely nothing for my dark skin. If you are really unsure about eyeshadow, try these drugstore brands – Milani, Wet n’ Wild and NYX. No need to waste the gift card!

      Eyebrow pencil – Anastasia Brow Wiz. Changed my life. They have many brown-girl friendly colors.

      Great mascara – I love Benefit They’re Real

      Eye makeup remover – one that takes everything off with minimal tugging/rubbing

      Work blush – For me this is a matte burnt orange. Pick something without sparkles/glitter (I hate mauve…don’t get mauve :-P ). Try something from Make up forever, Tarte, NARS.

      What liner do you use? I upgraded to Benefit’s Push Up Liner and I can’t live without it now.

    • Anonymous :

      My VIB Rouge status is about to come in handy… :P
      First thought – brows. Not necessarily the Instagram brow with the fifteen products and the sharp lines (tbh that’s way too harsh for everyday anyway) but having your brows done neatly makes your whole face look more put together. Sephora’s house brand makes a really good tinted brow wax pencil that I like, they call it ‘brow freeze’ or something like that. You just swipe the stuff over your brows, spoolie, and done.
      I also like their house brand blushes, too. Lots of colors, good payoff, big enough tin that it lasts for a while. If you want to look into contouring, you can use their bronzy shades with a shimmery highlighter.
      Speaking of powders, Sephora’s brushes are really nice too. A little pricey, so I usually grab the travel kits to get a little less handle and a lot more brush for the price.
      If you already wear lipstick, I LOVE their house-brand cream lip stain. Fantastic color intensity, lots of shades, doesn’t really move at all unless I eat something greasy.

    • AnotherAnon :

      Congrats on clear skin! You don’t need makeup! You could trade in your Sephora gift card for cash or a different gift card using one of those card exchange sites. But since you asked, here are my drugstore favorites (and one splurge): Cover Girl Outlast Stay Fabulous 3-in-1 liquid foundation, CG Clump-crusher lash extensions mascara, L’Oreal Paris True Match super blendable blush, Revlon illuminance creme shadow (put powder eyeshadow on under, otherwise it creases pretty badly), splurge is Kat von D’s liquid eyeliner, which I usually order on Amazon, though I think Sephora still carries it?

  8. Follow Up - Friend Took Money :

    So, following up from yesterday’s saga about the friend I had already lent a significant amount of money to using my credit card to pay an additional $1,000 of bills…

    She was working last night, so we didn’t get to speak in person. I sent her a message asking if she had made the purchases on my card, and she responded that she had made them and forgot to mention it to me. She also mentioned that she wants to start paying me back for everything she’s borrowed. I’m planning on letting her know that her using my card without asking first was a breach of trust and I’ve cancelled the card. Anything else I should say?

    I do have the money sitting around right now because I’m saving up for some large purchases, so it isn’t really putting me in a bind right now. I do feel bad because I know she needs the money, but at the same time, her parents have cut her off from borrowing, and I don’t want to lend her any more of my own money.

    • Wildkitten :

      Did she ask to borrow more money? I don’t see that in your story. It sounds like she wants to start paying you back, and so all you need to do is tally up what she owes you and work out a payment plan that is manageable for her.

    • Anonymous :

      b, I think that’s all you can say. “I’m hurt that you took my money without asking. I appreciate your efforts to pay me back”

      And next time she asks for money say no.

      • Anonymous :

        +1

      • Anonymous :

        +2. My family is like this. In their case, it will never, ever, ever, end, largely because they irresponsibly manage their resources. I can’t run their lives or micromanage their spending, and they never even attempted to pay back the substantial amounts they borrowed (I knew this would happen, but I also knew them having never paid me back would quickly shut down the next conversation), so I’m done “lending.”

    • I honestly just can’t believe that she doesn’t see anything wrong with spending your money without ASKING you. She didn’t say she forgot to ask you, she said she forgot to tell you. She’s not apologizing. I would be absolutely livid and would have no sympathy for her, if this happened to me. “Breach of trust” would not be strong enough wording. I would tell her that her actions were completely unacceptable, and give her a deadline for when she must pay you back, at least the $1000. The repayment for the authorized charge can be more lenient, but she needs to give you the $1000 back ASAP. We would also not be friends anymore.

    • Coach Laura :

      Follow Up – Friend Took Money – I read most of yesterday’s thread but wondered if you might help her access some resources. Many cities/municipalities have “eviction prevention” programs. Some churches/temples have utility vouchers, Salvation Army has programs as does United Way, there are food banks. Seattle Times (newspaper) has a community support fund. My utility has a program where people can pay extra every month to a “warm-home” foundation that pays utilities for those in need. Maybe doing some online research and forwarding those references to her might do something positive and help you not feel back about cutting her off. (Not saying you should or shouldn’t feel bad…)

    • AnotherAnon :

      You have done your good deed, and you’re handling it graciously. Please don’t lend her any more money; She took advantage of you! No one “forgets” that they took $1000 of someone else’s money. I second that the best way forward is telling her your trust has been broken, you will not lend her any more money (so please don’t ask) and then asking what her plan is to repay you. You’re handling this really well. Thanks for the update.

  9. I’m so lost and there seems to be no solution for my problems but am reaching out for any way to cope. Already in therapy and taking meds. My husband has fallen off the wagon once again. He made it a whole week sober after another stint at rehab. He was supposed to go to a meeting tonight but instead is using my ATM card all over town. What complicates things is that we are adopting a sweet little baby girl that I am completely in love with so if I report him to the police, I will lose her. At this point, I’m coming to terms with the fact that my marriage is over but I can’t lose the baby too. I’m trying to make it long enough until the adoption is finalized and then get a divorce but even getting through each day is really hard. I have no family that can help.

    • Anonymous :

      Stop. Now is not the time. Do not bring a child into this mess. You need to change your credit card numbers, change the locks, and get a divorce. The baby is a tragedy. Do not compound it. You know this is the right thing. You are strong enough for this.

      • Sorry, my earlier post, below, didn’t go in an as a reply.

        It sounds like the baby is already with you, yes? I understand where the above commenter is coming from, but if you think you can manage single parenthood, you have bonded with this baby and the process is well underway, I don’t think you need to abandon the adoption because of the problems with the marriage.

    • Oh man, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’d call the bank and cancel the card. Best of luck.

    • Reply got lost, and earlier reply was accidentally posted as a separate comment, sorry.

      I understand where the anon at 8:08 is coming from, but if you think you can manage single parenthood (it’s rough), you have bonded with this baby and the process is well underway, I don’t agree that you need to abandon the adoption. But you do need to do everything possible to protect yourself and the baby and find some legal and emotional support.

      • +1. If you can get through this then move on, and you’re 100% okay with single parenthood, the baby will be fine. She’s not “a tragedy,” she won’t remember the divorce. She’ll remember feeling loved and cared for.

    • Definitely willing to single parent and pretty much have been. It is tough but we’ve managed. We are really bonded now and would never endanger her.

  10. Oh, honey, this is a rough one. It’s late, you won’t get many replies, but here are a couple of thoughts:

    – take away the ATM card as soon as you can.
    – if you don’t already, get some money into an account H can’t touch (and get a decent amount of cash hidden somewhere) immediately.
    – see an attorney about how to protect yourself, your assets and the baby.
    – if you have any friends you can confide in, do so — having at least some emotional and moral support will help a lot.
    – repost this tomorrow for more ideas and support and include your city — there may be ‘r*ttes who are close by and will give you some in-person support.

    Sending you internet hugs .

    • Agree with all this. You can report the card lost if you don’t want to go to the police.

      • Wildkitten :

        Agree with everything both of these ladies said. I report my card missing all the time (I misplace things and would rather report my card stole when it’s in my winter coat than not report it missing when it is.) Its NBD to do that. Take care of yourself and your baby. Congrats on the pending adoption.

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