Coffee Break: Easy tote

Givenchy easy toteI always think of one of my favorite fashion movies, How to Steal a Million, whenever I hear or see anything Givenchy — Audrey Hepburn and Peter O’Toole are planning a big heist to steal a sculpture (“it’s valued at a MILLION DOLLARS!“) and O’Toole decides Hepburn should dress up as a member of the cleaning crew at the museum.  “What does this accomplish?” she asks grumpily.  “Well for one thing,” O’Toole deadpans, “It gives Givenchy the night off.”  Sigh.  It’s a marvelous movie, everyone should see it. (Oooh, and there’s free streaming with Amazon Prime!)  ANYHOO: I’m digging this “easy tote” from Givenchy, new to the sale section at Farfetch — it looks like a great, structured little tote for work; almost a more feminine version of a briefcase. It’s leather and suede, and on sale for $1,151 (was $1,645). Givenchy easy tote

Here are a few more affordable options if you’re on the hunt.

(L-all)

Comments

  1. Sydney Bristow :

    I love this bag and that movie. Love.

  2. How important is height to you when dating? Are any of you in relationships or married to someone who is very close to you in size?

    I just had lunch with a friend who said she screens her online matches and won’t even consider a guy who’s under five ten (she’s five four). I was shocked, but I guess a lot of women feel that way.

    And I have a date coming up with a guy who’s only two inches taller than I am (and I’m short), and I feel like I need to get over this, because he seems awesome. Curious to hear other stories.

    • The guys I’ve dated have all been at least 8″ taller than me, with some being more than a foot taller than me – I’m only 5’2″. It’s not that I turn down short guys just on the basis of height, but I guess I’m somehow drawn to taller men?

    • Anonymous :

      For me looks are a necessary (but obviously not sufficient) condition. In particular, I am not interested in anyone under 6′ (I am 5’6″). I don’t care how awesome a 5’6″ guy could be, I am interested in an awesome 6′ one. (Gross oversimplification for the sake of the argument but illustrates my point.)

      • Anonymous :

        In the book by Christian Rudder, one of OKCupid’s founders (Title: Dataclysm) he talks about how most women want guys who are 6 feet and over, and how most guys inflate their height on online dating sites, usually by about 1-2 inches. I think everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, but at the same time I’m reading this and thinking that some of these preferences are also narrowing the dating pool while creating a very high competition for people with a certain set of physical traits–which also means some people will inevitably fail. The tall guys are probably also screening out people based on looks and God knows what else. Another pop culture reference: that scene in the movie A Beautiful Mind where guys sitting around a bar table are admiring a group of women, one of whom is very attractive to all of them. They all want to approach this lovely lady until John Nash (main character) points out that if they all approach their *main interest*, guaranteed most will fail. She can only pick one. His strategy, approach her friends first, that way each person is guaranteed to end up with someone. To me this overwhelming preference for very tall men is a very similar scenario.

    • Hey I’m a shortie (5’3″ maaaybeee??) and would never rule out someone for being a certain height but it’s true that I do prefer around 5’10”. I’ve also always theorized that the tallest guys adore the shortest girls and often see very short women with very tall men. (I find it interesting and a little unfair to tall women though!)

      • We find it extremely unfair too :)

        • Anonymous :

          Yes, its so unfair!! I’m 5’11” and have been told by a number of tall guy friends that they really prefer women who are significantly shorter. I have a 6’5″ guy friend who wants to date women who are 5’5″ and under so he can be a full foot taller than them! Men who are 5’7″-5’11”-ish seem to like my height though.

          • My theory – the 5’7″ and 5’11” guys are used to being as tall as women and aren’t intimidated by the fact. The tall guys want height to be their “thing”, maybe?

          • Anonymous :

            @Mpls, I think you’re right.

          • My husband is 6’5″. I’m 5’7″. I’m just responding about height being the tall guys “thing.” My husband realized he gets uncomfortable if there is another guy in the room as tall as him or taller. In college, one of his friends was 6’7″ so he can “get used to it” but his initial reaction to not being the tallest guy in the room is “woah, don’t like this.” I think it’s funny.

          • Plus the shorter guys need access to your tall genes. :)

          • long time lurker :

            ditto ditto ditto. I am 5’11” and always have dated guys about my height, an inch or so taller or shorter. I never had a tall BF… alas.

          • Blonde Lawyer, I just had to check your handle because when I read your post I thought you had to be a friend of mine. Her husband feels the same way and it is a running joke with our group.

          • I’m a shortie married to a tall guy and when he stands beside my tall girlfriends I always think how nice they would look together. So much legs!

        • +1 This is a frequent subject of discussion among my Amazon friends

        • Anonattorney :

          I haven’t found this to be true at all! Maybe it’s a regional thing? (that’s always my fallback on this stuff . . . it’s probably only a “regional thing” 15% of the time)

          I’m 6’0″ and have always dated guys 6’3″ and taller. I just can’t really date shorter guys, and they never seemed to be interested in me anyway. My husband is 6’6″. All the very tall guys I know are with tall women. They say that it’s just much easier to interact with a woman – they don’t have to bend down as far, can actually look their partner in the fact instead of the forehead, etc.

          • Well, I’m not saying its universal for tall guys, but it’s a potential explanation for the phenomenon (which I’ve also seen) of the really tall guys with the really short girls.

            But if you’ve got some tall guys stashed that are looking for a tall girl, let me know ;)

      • I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller.

        Seriously. Every guy I dated (except 1) was over 6′. I’m 5’2″ on a good day. I always feel awkward with my hubs in photos/dancing/whatever where our height disparity is painfully obvious. He’s 6’3″

        • OP here. Where do you guys who date such tall men even find all these guys who are over six feet!? I’m only half kidding. I don’t even see that many of them on the street, honestly.

          And yes, I certainly plan to go into tomorrow night’s date with an open mind!

          • The Midwest (statistically taller than the coasts)? The Netherlands (also quite tall on average, must visit someday)?

          • Ha! I live in the Midwest. I must not be looking hard enough!

            And I traveled to the Netherlands a few years ago, and the height thing was noticeable. Women and men are so, so statuesque.

          • My over 6 foot tall husband is from the Midwest :)

            Although this conversation makes me kind of sad for my son. Unless he has a major growth spurt soon, he is probably going to be short.

          • Anonattorney :

            My 6’6″ husband is also from the Midwest! But 6’0″ me is from PNW. I think there are lots of tall men here . . . I certainly don’t feel quite as freakish here as I did when I went to school in NY.

          • Definitely not on the east coast. My husband is 5’9″-5’10” and always thought of himself as on the taller end of things. And he was… in Washington, DC. But then he came to visit my family in the Midwest, and he immediately commented that the festival we were at was full of giants.

        • “I wish I had a girl that looked good I would call her!”

        • I wish I was a shot caller.

          I do not wish I was taller. 5’11”.

    • Not important. My fiance is 3 inches taller than me, so when I wear heels we can be the same height. I’ve also dated men who were my height (heels = me taller) and was fine with that. But I think it’s about your own attraction & your chemistry as a couple. It might be important to you.

    • I’m 5’4″ and my minimum is approximately 5’8″. I want him to be taller than me when I’m wearing heels. My ideal is at least 6 inches taller than me because I still want to feel like he’s (physically) bigger than me in heels. I feel “bigger” when I can look a guy directly in the eyes, though I prefer us to be on equal footing in every other aspect of our relationship!

      • Yes, this, all of this! Except I’m 4 inches taller than you, so my minimum is shifted up accordingly.

    • I’m 5’10”, so I’m used to looking most guys (up to about 6’2″) in the eye. So, for me, its a little weird to have a guy be taller, though I got used to it when I dated someone that was 6’4″. So, I’d be ok with someone my height.

      On the other hand, I went on a date with a guy who was 5’6″, and it was kind of weird, but I probably would have gotten over it if he had other qualities I liked. For me, if I get to pick I would go my height or taller (I do like to wear heels), but I don’t disqualify someone just for being shorter.

      • Though if a guy is shorter than me, my preference is that he at least outweigh me (so, short but broad build, I guess). I don’t need to feel like a delicate flower, but also don’t want to feel like a bull in a china shop and I’m already leaning that way with being a little klutzy (I hope that made sense).

        • +1. I prefer to be on the delicate flower side of the spectrum, but definitely not feel like a bull in a china shop. I’m a curvy woman (bootylicious, not plus size) and I don’t want to feel like he isn’t ready for this jelly!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I’ve dated people of all heights. My fiancé is almost a foot taller than me, an ex was my height, and I almost dated a little person who was a great friend in college (we didn’t wind up dating, but it was for reasons unrelated to his height). Height never really mattered to me.

    • I was surrounded by taller guys my whole life (very tall family) and dated taller guys throughout my younger years. It was never a conscious decision… but I met my husband who is only a few inches taller than me and fell in love very quickly. The only time I had an issue with his height was when I had to pick my wedding shoes knowing I didn’t want to look taller than him in pictures.

    • Anonymous :

      Not at all, but I’m 5’11”. If I required guys to be taller than me, I’d drastically have narrowed my options (even more so if I required them to be a particular # of inches taller). My husband is 5’9″.

    • I am married to someone that is my exact height. My heel height definitely shrunk after marriage, but that’s been happening because of foot problems anyway. My Dad was 3 or more inches shorter than my Mom, and I always swore I would find someone way taller than me. When it came down to it, I fell in love with my husband, and his height didn’t matter much.

    • I’m surprised most of you have such strong feelings! My husband is my height or even maybe a half inch shorter. He’s great! I know before we met he didn’t think he was into tall women, but when you meet the right person, that person is just the right person.

      • Bewitched :

        Agree! Height seems such a trivial thing. I’m 5’8″ and so is my husband, although I always say that he added a half an inch to the official records! It’s never been an issue for us and I think that some folks could miss out on a number of great guys if you add in a specific height requirement. (But, to each her own!)

      • Me too! Honestly I know that men and women in general have things about height, but its weird to me that so many feminists do too (I am assuming all women on this site are feminists hopefully thats a safe assumption.) It just seems like such an out dated gender thing that the man has to be bigger.

        • Anonattorney :

          Hmm, yes, I agree with you that (1) I consider myself a feminist but (2) want my man to be bigger than me. I don’t know where that stems from. If I was being really honest, I think it is a throwback reason – I like the fact that my tall man can hold me and make me feel small. This is coming from a 6’0″ 200 lb woman. I don’t ever feel small. He makes me feel dainty and “feminine.” Some might, rightly so, take issue with the use of feminine here. I fully realize that you can feel feminine when you’re strong and powerful, I just thought it fit the mold of what I’m trying to say. The throwback definition of “feminine” fits my throwback need to sometimes feel smaller than my husband.

          I don’t know if it’s necessarily a bad thing that I feel that way. I otherwise almost completely run my household and hold my own at work. I’m strong and powerful all the time. Sometimes I just want to take a break and feel like someone is taking care of me. Cuddling up on my husband’s lap makes me feel that way. Looking up into his eyes and putting my head on his chest when I’m stressed or sad makes me feel that way.

          Also, and this is a GROSS generalization, I have found that tall men tend to have a quieter confidence. At least the ones I know. I like that.

          • Bewitched :

            My husband comforts me, takes care of me and makes me feel safe (when I need it) without being taller. That is all.

          • Anonattorney :

            Great! As you said above – to each her own. Also, you noted that you’re 5’8″. I would imagine that you’re not often the tallest person in the room. I am. It’s awesome to be tall, but sometimes it’s also nice to feel small.

          • BeautyIsHerName :

            All of this – coming from a 6’1 attorney who will not date anyone less than 6’0. Sometimes I seek that “conventional” or “stereotypical” strength from a man.

    • I’m 5’1′ and my husband is 6’1″. I have dated guys that were shorter (but still probably 5’6″ and taller), but I found I am much more attracted to someone taller. I don’t know why that is, but it is for me.

    • Hildegarde :

      I’m 5’4″, so most men are taller than I, but it’s not something I pay much attention to or look for. I once dated a guy who was my height or maybe an inch taller, and it didn’t bother me at all. When I was in high school I had a big crush on a friend of mine who was (and is) 5’2″. He wound up marrying a woman who is also 5’2″, and I know when he was dating he preferred dating short women.

      The tallest guy I dated was 6’3″, which I found to be a bit too tall. When we hugged I felt like a kid hugging a grown up. I think a 5’10” guy is perfect for my height, but I would never restrict my potential dating pool based on height.

    • I’m 5’6″, married to a man who’s 5’7″. Really isn’t something I’ve ever thought much about. I only wear heels about once every 3 years (and then change into flats as soon as I can) so it really doesn’t come up now either.

    • This seemed super important to me (I’m 5’7″ and always thought I wanted someone at least 2 inches taller), but then you meet the perfect person and you realize this is a stupid thing to care about. :)

    • So, I think I may be the only person with this response, but my only limitation on height is a cap, not a floor. I’m 5’0 and I’m just way less interested in dating guys who are 6’3 or taller. I wear heels a lot, but not more than 3 inches, so even with heels I’m only 5’3. My ideal height for a guy would be between 5’8 and 5’11. My most serious relationship was with someone who was 5’7, and almost everyone I’ve dated has been under 6 feet. I suppose I would probably be less attracted to a SUPER short guy (like 5’3 or 5’4), but I haven’t really met any. I’ve been trying to be less “picky” in the last year, and went on a few dates with someone who was 6’5 (!!!!) and then spent a few months with someone who was 6’4. I really really tried to not let it bother me, but it did. I hated that when we were walking down the street we couldn’t hold hands easily, and he had to bend way down to kiss me, and when we hugged my face was basically in his stomach. It wasn’t the reason we broke up, but when we did break up, I thought, hmm, great, now I can date someone shorter. :) I suppose part of this is that dating someone THAT tall makes me feel self-conscious about being short. I was super self-conscious about it growing up because I used to be REALLY short and young-looking for my age (I was still only 4’6 at the beginning of high school), and it brings back that feeling (which I don’t really have anymore now that I’m an adult/full-grown). At least my tall friends don’t hate me? We’re never interested in the same guys, and when we go out to bars we just split up the crowd :)

      • platinomad :

        I completely agree with this. I’m taller than you (5’3) and being with men over 6 feet tall has always been a bit of a put off to me. I hate the way we can’t really look each other in the eyes, the way they have to bend over to kiss me. Most of my boyfriends have been 5’9 to 5’11 (and runner/swimmer builds, my friends tease me constantly about my “type”).

        That said, I agree with a lot of posters, height doesnt matter when the person is right.

    • Yay! I love this tote, tho now I use my associate, Mason, to carry my stuff, so I do NOT need for him to be fasheionable. He carried my shoe’s to court today! At least he is good for something other then keeping Lynn warm at night.

      As for the OP, yes, having a short b/f usually is NOT a plus. It make’s us look even bigger and who needs a shrimpey guy when we need a big guy to protect us on the subway. And a shrimpey guy in the height department is proabley NOT goeing to be big anywhere else — if that matters to you. My mom told me there is 2 thing’s important about a man– (1) having the tools, and, (2), assuming #1, knoweing what to do with it.

      With Sheketovits, he was really not well endowed, which was NOT my beef — he also did NOT know what to do with it either, tho I must say he was VERY energetic, like an Energyzer Bunny. But be that as it may be, I am happy to let some other woman watch him jump around the bedroom and having to clean up after him. FOOEY!

      I did WELL in court today. Oposing counsel was mad that the judge liked me and told me to “turn around” so that he could admire my blue dress. The judge also told me to stand sideway’s when I presented to him so that all in the court could hear me. Counsel said that the bench was biased, and the judge imposed a warning on him to keep his idea’s to himself. I won the motion even tho I never spoke. The judge said that the plaintiff did NOT meet his prima facie proof to support his motion. YAY! Roberta will be pleased b/c I won the other motion’s also. Now I know we can comfortabley bill for all of the hours I did. DOUBEL YAY!

      I still am hopeful the HIVE will give me a lead on a decent guy, b/c I do NOT want to have to twirl around for the judge for the next 10 year’s. I want to have a BABY and maybe I will come back later, but my egg’s are going STALE. FOOEY! Can the hive sugest a guy for me? HELP!

      • Ellen, you should not use your sexuality to get ahead in court (or anywhere else). You should win based on merit, not your body. I think the judge is somewhat of a dirt bag to make you parade around and show your body off to him. Opposing counsel is right to be incensed that you are using your looks to get results. If a guy did that, we would cry foul.

    • la vie en bleu :

      I’m 5’5″ and i have gone out with guys that are a wide range of heights. Mostly I do prefer guys who are at least slightly taller than me, I guess, but it’s less about height than overall size. I went out with a guy who was 5’6″ for a long time, and he wasn’t bothered when I wore heels so neither was I. But I went out with another guy who was 5’5″ but also very slight and I did weirdly feel like I was way bigger than him overall, which didn’t bother me on a day-to-day basis, but overall it just didn’t work out so I think that was kind of part of the problem.

      But I don’t look at height of guys when online dating because in my experience if the guy doesn’t care about height, I won’t either.

      • I’m also 5’5″ and I wear heels a lot, so people tend to think I’m taller. My SO is just a few inches taller than I am (he’s lost some height from back surgery) and neither of us care. He’s a confident guy and he doesn’t mind at all that I am sometimes taller because of heels (in fact, he loves it). Like La vie en bleu, I have more issues with a guy being overall smaller than I am. There’s a guy I know from work who has shown interest in me and he’s a good looking guy but really skinny (like has trouble keeping weight on). I just can’t see myself with someone like that.

    • I was only interested in and dated guys much taller than myself. I’m 5′ 6” and dated guys that were 6′ and up. I actually gave thought to how hard it would be to be a short man because I wouldn’t even consider them.

      But then I met someone who I was really captivated by but was a smidgen shorter than me. My insecurity got the better of me for longer than I’d like to admit, and I refused to think of him as someone I’d end up with. Good thing I just couldn’t tear away from this wonderful person I was spending time with.

      We’ve now been together for 8 years and married for 3. I do think about it when I feel a little too tall/big when wearing heels, but he is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am so grateful I have him and not any other person on the planet. Wouldn’t change him.

    • anonymous :

      I guess I prefer tall men, but the men I’ve dated have been between 5′ 4″ to 6’1″. I’m 5′ 1″, and I think I can look past most not-awful things if I really like a person. I don’t think I’d mind terribly much dating someone similar in size to me, but given my size, the opportunity doesn’t present itself often.

    • Must be Tuesday :

      My ex-husband was less than 2 inches taller than me. I was as tall or taller than him when I wore heels (which I did frequently, including at our wedding). His height was never an issue for us. Other things were, which is why he’s an ex.

      • Yep, which is why my comment is that height doesn’t matter. The other crap is what causes divorces. Height is shallow to have as a “deal breaker.”

        My ex husband was about 5 inches taller than me. Total asshole, in retrospect. He is sarcastic, lazy, verbally abusive, and an alcoholic (now recovering). My boyfriend is 3 inches taller than me. He’s a much better human being.

        • Anonattorney :

          So, do you think that having any standards for looks is shallow? I just kind of lump this in with physical attraction – I’m just not physically attracted to smaller men. I’m also not physically attracted to men who smell a certain way; are very overweight; have bushy beards; have extremely hairy back; etc.

          Even if it’s shallow, I still say that looks matter to everyone. And height is just a component of “looks.”

          • +1

            Yes, when I’m scoping out guys at the bar, I take height into consideration, because I don’t know what their personality is, just their “look.” And the “look” I’m attracted to is taller than me. Am I going to blow off someone who approaches me just because he’s short? No.

      • Love this comment!

    • lucy stone :

      My husband’s only about 2″ taller than me…I’m 5’6″ and he’s 5’8″. It’s a non-issue for me, obviously, but it is annoying there is nobody tall to reach things!

      • Baconpancakes :

        Yes, this is true. My ex was 6’1″ and was very handy for getting things off of top shelves.

    • My ex-bf was shorter than me (I’m 5’4″) and left me in the worst way imaginable. To this day my mom feels that he acted this way because he felt that he wouldn’t measure up in the long term. I would hesitate to date shorter men now due to their own ego issues and related dysfunction.

      That said, I am now dating someone who is 6’1 and I wish he were shorter. Around 5’8 to 5’10 would probably be my ideal.

    • I’m short (5’3″) and I don’t have any particular preferences for height, BUT I’ve found that if you are short and willing to date short men, you can have a lot of success and find some great catches in the shorter pool. My now-husband is quite short (5’5″) and when I met him, I was stunned that he was still single in his early-30s because he’s so great (educated, professional, hilarious, etc.). He has told me that he had terrible luck dating because many women would rule him out right away for height, whereas his 6′ best friend had too many dates to handle.

      So for OP – date that short man! He sounds great.

      • Senior Attorney :

        This. I’m 5’2″ and don’t much care about height. The Former Mr. Senior Attorney is 5’7″ and was quite sensitive about his height, which couldn’t have been less of an issue for me at all. In my very tallest heels I was about eye-to-eye with him, which was okay with me. And I guess his love of high heels overrode his sensitivity about his height!

        New Guy is 6′ and honestly if I had my druthers I’d prefer less of a difference in height. Although I have to admit it was pretty awesome the first time I was about to drag out my stepladder and he just reached up grabbed the clock off the wall an inch from the ceiling!

      • Completely second this. I’m 5’8″, and my theoretical ideal (if you had asked earlier in my life) would have been around 6′. However, my three most significant relationships were with men who were 5’7″, 5’8″, and now 5’3″. My current boyfriend is absolutely perfect for me, and I too couldn’t believe he was still single, so now I say my ideal height is 5’3″ for men.

        I will say though that confidence matters a great deal to me. The 5’8″ boyfriend hated whenever I wore heels since he wanted to feel like he was just a bit taller than me, and that got very old. My 5’3″ boyfriend accepted very early on in life that he was just not going to be tall, and has never once let that hold him back. I knew he was a keeper when he gave me a pair of 4″ heels for Christmas one year after I had mentioned in passing how much I was coveting them.

        So give your date a chance! No one can control the height their genes gave them.

    • Wildkitten :

      Not at all. When I date guys shorter than me I don’t wear heels, so if I were to marry someone shorter I’d have to think about if I wanted to give up heels forever, but for dating? Not at all.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Wow, we have a lot of opinions on this!

      I used to swear I’d only date people at least 4 inches taller than I am, since the tallest heels I have are 4 inches, but then I started dating my current feller. I didn’t realize he was only 2 inches taller than me until I put on the 4 inchers, and I know I’ve got at least 15 lbs on him (hopefully New Rules of Lifting for Women will help with that?), but I really don’t care. I’d rather be a happy Amazon in my relationship than keep looking for someone to make me feel small.

    • Former Height Snob :

      I always dated guys who were at least 6 feet tall (many of them 6’2″ and up). I’m a little over 5’6″ and with heels, I’m close to 5’10”, so I always thought it was super important to me to date someone who was AT LEAST 6 inches taller than me.

      However, turns out that the man I’m marrying in a few months is 5’10. As I got to know my fiance and became open to the idea of dating him, I figured out that my weird fixation about height was really a thing about wanting to feel petite/feminine next to someone. My fiance has really broad shoulders, so I still get that feeling around him, even though he’s not towering over me. It’s funny – I had pretty much forgotten all about my former height obsession until this thread.

    • I’m tall and always dated tall men. But now I’m getting married to the most fantastic person who is my height. I’d seriously recommend not caring about this. And I say this as someone who used to have it “on my list” of criteria.

    • Brunette Elle Woods :

      Wow! I can’t believe this is an issue! I’m 5’8″ and dated someone who was also 5’8″. It just meant I tried to avoid heels when we went out, but not all the time. My friend is also 5’8″, but married an amazing man who is 5’7″. If height is such a big deal, then you’re missing out of some great guys who just might not be that tall. I feel like it’s your loss if you’re making it an issue!

    • Killer Kitten Heels :

      I’m 5’3″. Mostly I dated guys around the 5’10″ish mark (tall enough to be “tall,” but not, like, “I only come up to your belly button” tall). Through online dating, I met my H, who is maybe sort of kind of 5’6″ on a really tall day. Weirdly, I find I like being relatively the same size as him – we just kind of fit together without having to think about things too much, and when it comes to things like buying furniture, hanging art or shelves on the wall, etc., we tend to have an easier time of it than height-disparate couples I know because we’re not in that constant push-pull of “what’s comfortable for him is too tall/big for me” and vice-versa. (My 5’11” brother does joke that our house is like “a midget house” because everything is hung at *our* eye level, which is lower down than most, but that’s about it as far as problems-related-to-our-height go.)

      I was a little concerned before our first date that I’d be “too tall” for him in heels and would have to give them up – turns out, well-adjusted short guys get over the whole height thing pretty quickly in life, and he’s more than happy for me to throw on the 4 inch heels when we go out. The only time he requested flats was the day we got married, and frankly, I was planning to wear flats anyway for comfort-related reasons.

    • As long as he doesn’t make a thing about it, I don’t care. If my being taller, or taller when in heels, sparks a flurry of comments about whether I’m “allowed to wear heels” or demonstrating his insecurity in other ways, I’m turned off. Otherwise, I’m not hung up on his height.

    • Honestly, I preferred dating a guy who was my height. My ex was 1 inch taller than me and I was wearing 3″ heels for work at the time. So I was normally “taller” than him. It was easy to look into his eyes when standing, to walk with him (shorter legs/stride), and to not have things end up on the top shelf.

      My current boyfriend is 10 inches taller than me. Our hello/goodbye kiss has to be performed at the foot of the staircase. When we fly together, he needs an aisle seat, so I get the middle seat. And while it is helpful to have someone to reach the top shelf, he does store things up there.

      So there really are benefits to having a shorter boyfriend.

      • We are both tall and try to book aisle seats across from each other. Nobody wants the middle seat.

    • I’m 5’3″ and married a 6’1″ guy and when I was young only saw myself with tall men, probably because my dad is 6’4″ and my mom is only 5’1″. My son ended up being 6’3″ and my daughter 5’10”. But I’m most likely short due to nutritional deficiencies caused by undiagnosed celiac/gluten intolerance as a child.

      I think there are two schools of thought, at least as far as tall guys go: Some want the woman to be much smaller because they like to feel tall and impressive and others want a tall woman to pass on tall genes to their kids.

    • I’m nearly 5’6″. When I was online dating, I too would screen for taller men. Except not a lot of them contacted me back. Once I was a little more open, I found a great guy who’s 5’5″ — and now my husband. When we first met, he told me a lot of women were put off by his short stature, but since that was literally something he could never change, he wasn’t all that bothered by it since it was the date’s problem, not his.

      That said, I went out with another guy who claimed to be 5’7″ — and turned out to be at least three inches shorter than me. I wouldn’t have been as flummoxed if I had known ahead of time not to wear high heels.

    • To turn this discussion in a different direction, how about height issues with male co-workers? I am just under 5’6″ and do not consider myself tall, but in heels I am taller than a couple of my senior male co-workers. These are older men who have a difficult time accepting women as colleagues rather than as secretaries (this is an issue they have with all of the female professional staff, not just me), and I feel like my height just makes them feel even more threatened. I am not going to start wearing flats just to make them feel better about themselves, though.

      • I’m just under 5’7″, and my male boss is about 2 inches shorter than me. So when I wear heels it’s more like 4-5 inches. I felt weird about this at first, and considered only wearing flats to work. But I realized if I had a female boss who was shorter than me (which I have several times in the past) it would be a total non-issue. So +1 don’t worry about them and wear your heels!

        Also, has anyone ever said anything to you about the height issue? Maybe they are just feeling threatened because you are a smart, competent professional woman. In either case it’s 100% their problem not yours.

      • I’m 5’9″, so a similar height to quite a lot of men (especially in my parents’ generation and older, for some reason younger guys seem to be taller) and it took a bit of getting used to. I had always been used to more important people being taller.

    • 5’10” here, and my SO is also 5’10”. It’s very convenient.

      I dated a guy who was 5’2″ for a little while. I knew he was going to be short, because he didn’t fill in his height on his online dating profile. I didn’t realize he would be THAT short, but I really didn’t care. He cared though. when we broke up that was one of the things he said was wrong with me – I was too tall. I was like, did you JUST notice that? It’s not like I have been standing in a trench this whole time!

      Short guys are perfectly fine as long as they own it and are comfortable in their own skin. Sadly, in my experience, a lot of them are insecure. I don’t want to ever hear again “Would you mind not wearing heels when we go out?”

    • I’m about 5’7″. My ex boyfriend was the same height as me and it bothered me a small bit at first (but not enough to not go on a second date with him.) When we had our first kiss, I had been wearing one of my taller pairs of heels and he joked that he had to stand on tip toe to get at me.

      But, if I’m looking at guys now, yea, I prefer a taller guy. That’s not to say I would by-pass a shorter guy, but if there were two with the exact same personality, I’d go for the taller guy.

    • anon not to out :

      My husband is 1 inch shorter than me (and about 100lbs skinnier). He is a small dude – think man’s waist jeans size 28. Funnily enough, even on my wedding day, my friends expressed concern that he wasn’t good-looking enough for me because of his height (although I am big, I have Christina Hendricks exact measurements). I realized that I would rather go through life with man who is 100% invested in me and our relationship than a more conventionally attractive man. This is my personal decision and I have not regretted it for a second (I have ditched those friends though, all of whom are married to men who have affairs and haven’t been involved dads. The funny thing is that at least two have lamented “why can’t my husband be like yours”).

      Before my husband, I had only dated men 6″ or taller.

    • This thread cracks me up. I’m 5’5, my husband is 5’6. When I was dating, I knew that I really wanted to marry someone Indian, like me, and I also knew that the average Indian man is 5’6. :) So while I probably preferred taller guys (like in the 5’10 range), I suspected that I wouldn’t end up with one. It’s a shame that so many of you care this much about height! Totally understand that you’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, but there are so many great guys who aren’t 6 feet. H is supremely confident about himself, which I love.

    • I have been happily married to my 5’6″ husband for eight years now. I am 5’5″. :)

  3. Mirena users? :

    Curious about any one with experience with the Mirena IUD….
    I just returned from my pap test & my doctor suggested that I think about getting it inserted.

    I’m in my late 30s. Married / with my DH for 15yrs total. No kids, no plans for kids.
    Have been on Micronor for the last 10 yrs or so.

    Pro’s? Cons?

    • I love mine. Insertion hurt for the time it was actually being inserted and then some cramping for the next few hours. I have had 3 kids though. I don’t think I have had any negative side effects at all and love that my period is basically gone. I have had mine for 4 years. Previously I had the copper IUD (paraguard) and that made my periods heavy and miserable. I will get another Mirena next year unless my husband decides to go through with a vasectomy.

    • I’m getting my current one replaced next month when it expires. I love having it because I don’t need to remember the pills and I haven’t had a real period in almost 5 years (every few months I do get a little spotting). Cons – It’s not a comfortable procedure, but the discomfort only lasts a few days. Also, the string poked my DH at first and had to be shortened.

    • Love it! I’m a Mirena evangelist! Early 30’s, single, no kids or plans for a while. I’ve had it for almost 3 years now and I love not having to think about birth control ever! After a few months of occasional spotting and increasingly lighter periods, I’m not almost period free, which is another bonus. It was definitely uncomfortable when it was inserted (inserted Friday afternoon, spent the weekend at home, back at work on Monday) and I had a few months of heavier than normal cramps, but after the adjustment it has all been smooth sailing. Totally worth it and I definitely plan on having it re-inserted, assuming that I’m not ready for kids in 2 years.

      IUD’s are discussed a lot on this site, including the weekend open thread from January 30, so you should also do a search.

    • amberwitch :

      I’ve just gotten my second one, and has been/is very satisfied.
      No pregnancies, no more periods, no more period pains.
      Occasional spot bleeding, which can be a bit unpredictable, and which tends to be sort of ‘old’ blood that smells weird.
      Still have other period symptoms – for me, sweaty restless nights at ovulation time, and swollen breasts after ovulation time.
      It hurts a bit to have it inserted, but no more than an ordinary IUD.

    • Highly recommend. I’m early 30s, no kids. The insertion day and one day about a week later (when my body realized what had happened?) were tough, otherwise generally fine. Definitely plan to have mine replaced when time is up.

    • la vie en bleu :

      I am a major Mirena evangelist. ;o) I love mine, had it over 4 years and I am so happy with it, I hope to have them for the rest of my life. I have never had kids, and insertion was uncomfortable, but not that much worse than a long pap smear, and in my experience so worth it.

      I used to have pretty severe cramping and bleeding, now most of my cycles I barely even notice, a few each year are pretty normal, but not as bad as they were when i was on BCP.

      I never even notice I have it anymore. I don’t plan to have kids, so it’s so nice to never think of it. I also had bad reactions to most BCPs and trouble remembering to take it consistently, and the Mirena IUD hasn’t given me any of those problems. I still use c*nd*ms since I am not in a serious relationship, obviously, but it’s nice to have one thing I NEVER have to worry about and I can focus on STI concerns. I definitely plan to have another one inserted when the time comes.

    • I’ve posted about this before, but I’m that rare person with a very bad Mirena experience – really unpleasant insertion, cramping and spotting virtually nonstop for over a year, hairloss, acne, etc. I don’t know if Micronor is a progestin-only pill, but it might be worth trying a POP for a bit to see how you tolerate a non-estrogen hormonal approach before pulling the trigger on Mirena.

      • la vie en bleu :

        Oh, and my sister had a bad experience with insertion. Apparently for some women the way their uterus is shaped just doesn’t work with it. She had a lot of cramping that continued for several days and finally the dr decided they just had to remove it, so she went back to BCP. But it is a very small percentage of women, and sometimes, they just don’t know until you try it. So yes, it is a possibility that it just won’t work for you.

      • Mirena users? :

        Yes, Micronor is progestin only.

      • I’m another. I had to get it taken out a few hours after insertion because I was literally curled up in a fetal position, shaking, and dry-heaving (after vomiting) from the moment it went in to the second it came out. I’m no one’s idea of a wimp about pain and I have literally never, in my life, had that strong of a physical response to ANYTHING.

        But there’s no way to know that until you try it and IUDs really are the gold standard in low-maintenance birth control. My doctor said she’s been doing IUD insertions daily for 15 years and I’m only the fourth or fifth person she’s ever seen with a response like that. I wish it had worked but no dice.

    • No experience with Mirena, but just curious – is there a reason you wouldn’t want a tubal ligation, or have your husband get a vasectomy, if you definitely don’t want kids?

      • Miss Take :

        Not the OP, but why is it any of your concern whether (or why) she or her husband don’t want to have surgery?

      • Not a concern, just bringing it up in case she hadn’t considered it. No judgment.

    • Wildkitten :

      Love mine. http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/a35806/should-you-get-an-iud/

    • love it–had it for not quite a year. Insertion was awful. I had to take the rest of the day off work (my appointment was midday) and take narcs because the cramping was so terrible. Even as compared to my experience with unmedicated childbirth.

      FWIW, Mirena is more effective than vasectomy. I prefer the non-permanence of it, though I know fully we are done with kids. I also prefer not ever having a period again. I’m totally irregular now, but that’s ok. I never have a period longer than about 3 days, and it’s never heavy. Usually about 6 weeks between maybe? I still get hormonal swing acne & moodiness, even if Flo doesn’t show up for real.

      I should also add that the last 4 years of my being on BCP was horrendous. Never had regular cycles, always heavy (despite BCP), and sometimes was getting periods every 2-3 weeks for about a year. Tried about 4 different formulations in that time span too.

      • la vie en bleu :

        FWIW, I am just over 4 years, and in the last 4 months my cycle FINALLY synched up to a regular schedule, just at 29 days. I use a paper moon-calendar on my wall where I circle the dates to track it, and it was all over the place for a long time, but it has been like clockwork for the last 4 months.. so just saying yours still might regulate it just might take a while. ;o)

    • No comment about Mirena, but saw this in the NY Times recently and it reaffirmed for me the IUDs are the way to go (provided you don’t have other complications as some commenters here are mentioning). I was in the process of researching them when I met my current beau, who has had a vasectomy, otherwise I definitely would have gotten one. Probably the copper one though.

      http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html?_r=0

    • How timely! I actually just had Mirena inserted this morning. I’m 26, no kids.

      I was VERY surprised at how painful insertion was. My gyno had to do the sounding (the measuring before the IUD is placed) twice, and I almost noped the heck out of there. She compared the feeling to a contraction, and if that’s how bad it feels, I have no idea how women have more than one child.

      Made it through, but immediately was very nauseous and ended up vomiting at the doctor’s office. I rested in my car for a long time before I felt comfortable driving. Unfortunately had to go back to the office, but around 6(ish) hours later and I’m feeling just a little crampy, but much better.

      My recs, make sure you eat something before your appointment, and in a perfect world have someone to drive you home and take the afternoon off.

    • On my third. Got each one after I had a kid. Love it, love it, love it. The insertion is painful as was mentioned; I’d put it at more than a pap or equivalent to a mid-labor contraction (those fearing for birth–they have drugs for that). Had some cramps that day but took ibuprofen (and later, a drink!) and was okay. Spotted for about a month afterwards but then no period for a while (~1 year) then maybe a light (2-3 days) period for a bit when things evened out. I am also an evangelist for Mirena and when the time comes would push hard for a teen daughter to choose that as an excellent form of BC.

    • LOVED mine. Got it at 21, no kids. Insertion hurt tremendously and I had awful cramps for about a week (was prescribed one of the “good” painkillers but even so). After that, periods got lighter and shorter until they just about disappeared. Only had it removed after 5 years when we decided to try for kids.

      Note that my DH did complain occasionally about the string poking him, even after it was trimmed shorter.

  4. Does anyone here (who is not independently wealthy) have a pre-nup?

    I’ve been thinking about one for me & my fiance (he would be fine with it). The way I see it, you can choose where you get married but it’s unclear how the government will treat your property, since that can change if you move. A prenup is a way of agreeing on the way that you treat your property no matter where you are living (obviously contemplating divorce, but a good way of thinking about how your money is combining pre-marriage too).

    Does anyone have a simple pre-nup that just spells out what is shared and what is seperate, without major assets? Is there a reason (beyond lawyer expense) not to do this?

    Also if anyone has recommendations for lawyers who could do this in NYC, they would be welcome.

    • So I considered one, and met with a lawyer (Margaret Donohoe, Donohoe Talbert, highly recommend) to discuss. I ultimately decided it wasn’t necessary, but I’m really glad I spent the money for an hour of her time to talk it through. In short, her advice was: unless you’re bringing something substantial to the marriage (like a family-owned business), it’s probably not worth the legal fees (which run around $5-8K) or the potential emotional issues.

      • Thanks. Did not realize the legal fees were so high! I was thinking it would be in the 1k-2k range.

      • As a former family-law lawyer, this is basically what I tell people, too. Unless there are major assets or things with some stability (i.e., land), things change so much over the course of a marriage that it’s really hard to guess what you could be fighting about down the road. I definitely wouldn’t advise against meeting and talking it through, like Nancy did, though.

        On reasons not to, I would worry about binding yourself to an agreement that made sense at the time, but did not account for changes – for example, a lot of them agree to no alimony, which makes sense when there are no kids and both people are well-employed, but if one of you decides to take a step back for the sake of the other’s career (i.e., leave your job to move somewhere where the other gets an offer) or family, and you don’t update the agreement, it could leave that person in a really tight spot.

      • Wildkitten :

        This is great to know. I will cross that off my list of things to worry about, if the time comes.

  5. Question for you ladies (not looking for medical advice, just anecdotal info): Every once in a while, I get red spots on the skin around my eyes. (In the under eye area and the brow bone area.) It never extends past the softer tissue around my eyes, and they tend to last a while. They’re not raised, so they’re not pimples or anything.

    I looked in the mirror this morning and I have a ton around both eyes. I can’t figure out what causes them, or what they even are. Has anyone ever experienced this? Any idea what it is? I don’t wear makeup, and I haven’t been using my eye cream, so I don’t think it can really be a product reaction; though I do use acne medication on my face.

    • Dry skin? Not sure what climate you live in, but even a mild winter can be hell on your skin. My eyelids get red and peel if I’m not careful. The best thing I’ve done is to limit outdoor exposure and wear sunglasses to block some of the wind. I’ve seriously contemplated getting goggles this winter.

      • I doubt it’s weather. I’m in Southern California and it’s been a very warm winter so far. Dry skin is still possible though. I will have to try moisturizers.

    • Could they be broken capillaries? Have you been blowing your nose a lot? Maybe the dry winter air is bothering your eyes and you are rubbing them in your sleep (and therefore bruising)?

      • They could be broken capillaries…I can’t really tell. It almost looks like when you stick yourself with a needle and there’s a small red dot…just a LOT of them. I haven’t blown my nose much…it could be something I’m doing in my sleep though. I don’t know if they showed up when I woke up or after my shower/morning ritual. I’ll have to pay attention tomorrow morning to see if they’re worse.

    • I got them when I did Aerial yoga. They were little red pinpricks. I think they were broken capillaries and they went away after a couple weeks.

    • Sounds like an allergic reaction. Maybe to your detergent on your pillow case?

      • Wow, I never considered the detergent thing. I was in a hotel last night, so it was most likely a different detergent on the pillow case. And I have horrible allergies.

  6. ExtraAnon :

    What do you do when you just *feel* so fat you want to cry? When you are so insecure the prospect of being at work in fitted clothes almost causes a meltdown. This is only a feeling that happens once or twice a year but when it does happen and I have tried on everything I own I just don’t know what to do

    • Can you figure out what causes these feelings since they are so infrequent? If I look in the mirror and feel like nothing looks right I usually remember I’m PMS’ing. Just recognizing that can help. If it happens that infrequently, maybe give yourself a mental health day? Or, keep a set of bigger clothes on hand that you do feel comfortable in on days like that? I think you need to be kind to yourself here. If this were an everyday or even monthly issue, my advice would be different.

      • ExtraAnon :

        Its 100% PMS, plus I’m puffy since I accidentally dehydrated myself yesterday and I’m holding onto water today to compensate. So I’m extra puffy on top of the usual PMS related symptoms

    • Therapy. That does not sound healthy.

    • Anonymous :

      Eat.

    • I just tell myself it’s a fat day, complain to one of my friends, and move on.

    • Hugs girl. I’ve been there. It is an awful feeling, and no amount of people saying “get over it” is going to help. What worked for me is actually trolling pinterest for new fashion ideas. I’d search for outfits containing a certain piece that I knew I liked, and tried to build outfits with new ideas. Try something totally new. Add some new jewelry, some new scarves. If you have some extra money, buy some inexpensive transition pieces. Wrap dresses, forgiving knits. I didn’t wear a button-down top for about 7 years because my bust was too big, in proportion to my body, to fit right. I wore almost exclusively knit shirts, or drape-y pullovers/shells.

      In the end, though, you’ll have to face the issue itself. I understand that there are fluctuations (some lasting days or weeks) when nothing seems to fit. Those are the hard times for sure, but when you recognize that it’s approaching, then monitor your eating and/or ramp up the exercise.

      Ultimately what worked for me was crossfit. That’s an entirely different story altogether, but it helped me lose 60 pounds and go from overweight according to BMI, to the low end of healthy, which is a better build for my frame anyway.

      • ExtraAnon :

        I should have noted I’m a fit size 2/4 runner and it really is just *feeling* fat.

        • In that case, there is only one answer: THERAPY. You do not have an accurate perception of yourself and that stems from somewhere unhealthy.

          • ExtraAnon :

            I don’t think a once a year occurrence requires therapy…

          • As another fit, socially-acceptably-sized runner if that will make you take me more seriously….GO TO THERAPY. That is not normal. I had an eating disorder in high school and, even though I don’t know that I will ever be able to relax my vigilance against the eating disorder brain weasels, I have only ever had ONE (1) meltdown of that magnitude. I was anorexic when I was around 16. I’m 26 so I have 10 years of data. GET HELP. You don’t need to feel this way.

        • SuperAnon :

          #humblebrag

        • Sounds like PMS to me. Twice a year? Does not require therapy unless you are doing anything else except for cry. Go to a work out class! Would be my advice.

    • I’ve been in your shoes exactly *hugs*. Try to find a few pieces you like in a store and buy them — that fit the shape you’re in and are stylish.

      Then, if you can, try to evaluate your eating habits and if you can do anything healthier — not necessarily to loose major weight, but to make yourself feel better.

      I used to feel like this once a week (and scared to put on my pants for fear they had shrunk/I had grown overnight). I got a nutritional therapist, a regular therapist and a psychiatrist who specializes in disordered eating. I’ve lost 50 lbs so far. I’ve been stalled for a bit, but I don’t get those overwhelming feelings of hating everything in my closet (or how it looks on me) nearly as often.

    • I go through this sometimes. In no particular order:
      1) Eat light that day and notice how less bloaty you feel tomorrow
      2) Wear black (I have a couple of “Fat Day” dresses that are my go-tos when I feel like this)
      3) Wear shapewear
      4) Put on extra makeup/jewelry/things that make you feel pretty
      5) Wait for period to arrive :)

      • ExtraAnon :

        This is so perfect. Thank you so much!

      • I actually have clothes that I save to wear when I am on my bloaty days so that my pooch doesn’t appear as big. Save meaning.. I wear all my other clothes during the rest of the month, but save those for when I wake up and look (and feel) bloaty.

  7. Your friend is ridiculous. Height is a minor thing and has nothing to do with WHO a person is. Especially at 5’4″, I can’t see screening out everyone between 5’5″ and 5’9″ – that’s a lot of men she’s ruling out. She’s pretty short to exclusively date men of above average height.

    I am 5’7″ and my preference is to date men who are 5’7″ and above.

    In my humble opinion (as a divorced woman who has been there, done that), dealbreakers are things like work ethic, personality, kindness, addiction issues, likes kids, same religion (if you care about that, it’s important), no social conservatives, educated (at least a college degree)…

    Nice to haves are height, weight, makes more money than me, age (no more than 10 years older)… None of those things truly impact who the person is. You can’t have “Everything” so you have to prioritize what’s important. Height is not important.

  8. Hildegarde :

    I hesitate to bring up wedding gift-giving etiquette after yesterday’s discussion, but this seems less controversial. A friend of mine (not close, but still a friend) is getting married tomorrow. Her fiancé is from another country, but has been living here for a couple years. They got engaged a few weeks ago, and are having a private (just her parents) ceremony tomorrow, a brunch at their house on Sunday, and a “renewal of vows, traditional Jewish wedding, and reception” in summer 2016, when his family can travel from his home country.

    Regardless of your thoughts on basically having two weddings, do I bring a gift to the brunch on Sunday? I assume they’ll do the whole registry thing next year, they are not registered anywhere now, and have lived together for over a year. I am thrilled for her and happy to celebrate with them, but I have no idea what I’d get. Should I just pick something, get them a gift card, or do just a card now and a gift next year?

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I think you can do whatever you want here. My sister and her husband got married on Vegas on really short notice and only her mom could be there. They are having another wedding next summer for everyone to attend. I got her a present (Amazon gift card) and sent it to her. There wasn’t any event that I attended. If you don’t want to do gifts twice, I think a card to commemorate the occasion is fine.

    • Anonymous :

      I would do a gift now, and a card at the next round of omg we are so important we must provide everyone with an opportunity to see us “marry.”

      • I like this and Cynthia’s idea below. a gift at one and a card at the other, either way.

    • I think I would do a bottle of nice champagne – if they haven’t done a registry I like consumable gifts.

    • Honestly, I’d only attend the brunch and be busy for the “renewal” in 2016. I’d bring something consumable to the brunch, and then send a card and gift in the next month. I understand that they want to have a celebration more people can attend, but I have a one-wedding/couple policy.

    • I’m getting married in a similar way (private courthouse and a party later). Personally, I wouldn’t expect a gift or a card for either event – I think when you’re less traditional those things matter a lot less and you just want your people at the things you invite them to.

  9. Katherine K :

    Commenting solely to tell you how much “How to Steal A Million” rocks my socks off. Have you seen “Charade”? It’s been my favorite movie since I was a kid, and Audrey’s clothes -as always- are amazing!

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Charade is one of my favorite movies!

    • girl in the stix :

      I don’t know how many times I’ve watched Charade–AH is so flawless! Also for clothes, I love Rear Window (Grace Kelly), Casablanca (Ingrid Bergman), Funny Face (AH again) and Chinatown (Faye Dunaway). Hmm, having trouble coming up with clothes from more recent movies–jog my memory!

  10. I’ve got prenup troubles….

    In a prenup, is it common to keep 401k as separate property when money being contributed to the 401 would have been a joint asset.

    FWIW, I have been open to signing a prenup due to his family’s wealth.

    • If you are not separately represented in negotiating the pre-nup, you should go ahead and get yourself a lawyer in your jurisdiction.

    • Diana Barry :

      How would the 401k contributions have been joint? It comes out of only one person’s paycheck.

      • Anonymous :

        In community property states, wages/salary are 50/50 to each spouse. Any money that goes into a 401k during marriage in lieu of taking it in your paycheck will also be treated as a joint asset in the account, barring an agreement to the contrary.

    • I was told you can’t include 401k assets in a prenup in my community property state.

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