Coffee Break: Hazel Pump

This pump from Sam Edelman is very popular, and I love the blue color. Remember, you don’t have to wear navy with navy, but if you prefer to, this color is lovely. Nordstrom has a bunch of colors and patterns available right now, from $59 to $129. The pictured shoe is $119 and comes in a nice size range of 4-13 and three widths. Hazel Pump

(Ooh: note that Amazon has some color options as low as $35, and Zappos has a ton of options for the shoe in regular, wide, and narrow sizes. Nice!

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Comments

  1. Anon 4 this :

    I’m sad today. My hormones are running rampant because of my period and I am reaching the end point of figuring out whether part of my relationship is a price of admission I can live with and I don’t think it is. We get along so well, and he is a genuinely nice, caring, smart, handsome, and ambitious human, but that’s not enough.

    To quote Trump, Sad! (but it actually really is)

    • Anonymous :

      That is sad. Hugs.

    • I’m sorry :( that truly sucks.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Hugs! I’m sorry!

    • I’m sorry. What’s wrong with him or your relationship?

      • Anon 4 this :

        There’s nothing wrong with him, per se, but for the most part he doesn’t like to commit to things ahead of time. This is fine for small things, but it ends up making me feel like I am not important to him in the bigger picture and that is not something that I can live with. We have talked about it, he knows how I feel, and I know why he is like this. He will only change if he wants to and I am not going to try to make him change. I have told him that I am not going to try to change who he is and that I know I need to decide if it works for me. I know he cares about me, he is really sweet, and he is apologetic when he should be, and he tries sometimes, but I am not sure it’s enough for me. It could certainly be enough for someone else, but I think I need more. It stinks because everything else works well.

        • Give yourself some props for having this discussion and evaluating your options now. It’s not easy to walk away from a 95% good thing, but you BOTH deserve the 100% best partner for each of you.

        • You have been thinking about this so no one in the hive is better suited to answer the question but you, and you seem to have done so. I think you are 100% right. You can NOT change a zebra’s stripes, nor are you thinking you can. And he is what he is, and if that is not enough, you deserve what you need. So just tell the guy he is good in a number of way’s but bad in a number of ways, and then describe the bad things. Tell him if he clean’s up his act, you will stay in the realeationship, but if not, it is SAYANARA, with due regrets. That is what I did, and I knew it would be tough, but I have moven on and have not looked back. Best of luck, as there are other fish in the ocean. You just have to make sure you do NOT catch a smelley one! YAY!!!!!!

        • Anonymous :

          I’m sorry! You are completely right to trust your gut on this. My husband has always had a hard time making decisions, and it affects every facet of our lives. From the mundane (he has never once been ready to order the first time a server stops at our table) to the sublime (deciding whether we were ready for a second kid), I’m always waiting for him. It’s very hard.

    • Anomnibus :

      Oh man, I was on an emotional roller coaster this weekend which I’m pretty sure was partly due to hormones! Sending hugs, you’ll feel better.

  2. I really need help finding a unicorn formal shoe. At the last countless weddings I’ve been to, I have been miserable until I’ve had a couple drinks, given up, and thrown off my shoes. I’m over shoes that kill my feet. I’m also the MOH at my best friend’s weddings in 2 weeks and really don’t want to have to take off my shoes.

    So, I’m hoping you guys have recommendations for a shoe that is still attractive but also very wearable. Ideally, criteria would include: any nude-ish or neutral color, preferably metallic or patent; 2.0-3.5 inch heels; more sandal and less pump; wide heel; hopefully under $150 but maybe I should just splurge for Stuart Weitzman.

    I’m sincerely hoping such a shoe exists without being frumpy. Preferably, recommendations would be for shoes that you’ve personally worn while standing or dancing for 4+ hours.

    Thanks!!

    • What about a wedge sandal? Here are a few options on Nordstrom’s – the first 2 have higher heels, the second 2 have lower heels. Bonus is that you can wear wedges in outdoor wedding where you have to walk on grass.

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/isola-floral-strappy-wedge-sandal-women/4507882?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BONE%2F%20GOLD%20LEATHER

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/badgley-mischka-bonanza-strappy-wedge-sandal-women/4467635?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=GOLD%20LEATHER

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/imagine-by-vince-camuto-joan-studded-wedge-sandal-women/4369122?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=SOFT%20GOLD%20SUEDE

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/splendid-justin-wedge-sandal-women/4587493?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=GOLD%20LEATHER

      • Wedge sandals for the win! I have some gold ones that I bought at Target many many years ago and they have been surprisingly comfortable and versatile.

      • Anonymous :

        I have some sandal wedges that I’ve worn to almost every wedding I’ve been to in the past 5 years. Comfortable enough for dancing and they don’t sink into the grass outdoors.

      • I was also going to mention wedges. I have very low tolerance for foot pain and I was able to keep some wedges on almost all night.

    • I’ve had great luck with these: https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens-clothing/shoes/pumpsandheels/patent-kittenheel-sandals/G1115

      and they come in a higher heel, and a similar-height wedge.

      • Come to think of it, I have the kitten heel AND the wedge! Ha! I’ve successfully worn the wedge out dancing, drinking, walking for an epic all nighter in DC….very comfortable.

      • Clementine :

        +1 for JCrew Factory wedges!

        I have the espadrille wedges and the Sylvia leather wedges and would recommend either.

    • Anonymous :

      These are cute. Can’t speak to comfort, but they look like they could be okay. I’ve had pretty good luck with Vince Camuto shoes in the past… http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vince-camuto-corlina-ankle-strap-sandal-women-nordstrom-exclusive/4502494?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=WHITE%2F%20WHITE

    • givemyregards :

      I tried these on in madewell yesterday and they seemed super comfortable – the saleswoman couldn’t stop raving about the pair she had https://www.madewell.com/madewell_category/SHOESANDBOOTS/sandals/PRDOVR~F1925/F1925.jsp

      • Anonymous :

        I wore these as MOH for my sister’s wedding. http://www.zappos.com/p/sam-edelman-patti/product/8674246

        The lower heel helps a lot with comfort, and I rubbed anti-chafe gel on my feet beforehand, and no blisters! I was definitely ready to take them off by the end of the night, but I was pretty happy that I was able to last through a full afternoon of photos and other pre-wedding stuff in addition to the usual ceremony/cocktail hour/reception! Probably 9 or 10 hours total.

    • Caveat – these might be too low for you, but I find under 2″ heel works better for comfort.

      I bought the Sofft Rosaria sandal (1.5″ wedge heel) in the metallic from Nordstrom a few weeks ago and love it (even 30 weeks pregnant)! Wore it to a few work cocktail parties (so, not wedding, but still lots of standing and sorta dressy) and it was so comfortable. Not my first pair of Sofft sandals, so if you can find another style you like I would definitely try it!

      For my wedding I changed into a (multiple seasons ago) version of the Tali Wedge in the 40 mm since the height matched my pretty lace heels I used for pictures/the ceremony/the first dances, etc. Super comfy all night. Might be too low of a heel for you, but I think they make them in taller versions too.

      • Haven’t tried this shoe, but +1 to Sofft as an amazing brand for comfort with some style. My go-to black pumps are Sofft and they’ve held up for 5 years of regular wear and still feel great.

      • Yes to Sofft! I just discovered them a few months ago when I was looking for nice sandals. I walked all over Europe in my 1.5″ wedges.

      • I have a similar Sofft sandal (fewer straps; just one x at the ankle and a single strap across the vamp) and they are very comfortable. I have very high arches and I find that after a lot of walking, I get a little pinchy in the ball of my foot. But overall great shoe!

    • Country Biscuits :

      Naturalizer Tami, Pressly, Danya

    • These are comfortable: http://www.zappos.com/p/clarks-mayra-poppy-gold-metallic-leather/product/8817180/color/21224 or http://www.clarksusa.com/us/womens/womens-sandals/womens-sandals-wedge/acina-newport-gold-metallic-leather/p/26125768

      These aren’t as high as you’d like, but they’re my holy grail shoe and are truly 100% comfortable and are a pleasure to wear. You can find them cheaper around the web: http://www.kennethcole.com/women/shoes/sandals/lily-moon-mary-jane-GS00942LE.html

    • http://www.ebay.com/itm/Ladies-Rieker-Antistress-Casual-Shoes-49780-/172715668820?_trksid=p2385738.m2548.l4275

      Rieker Mirjam is the most comfortable shoe I’ve ever worn. Would this shade work for you?

      • Rieker womens sling grey size 39.0 EU https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016QD8RFY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_BWUpzbTC3BY5Y

      • You can find lots of colors all over the web. I wear a size 10 us and a 41 or 42 in these.

    • Anonymous :

      Cole Haan are the only heels I can wear comfortably, especially the wedges. Bonus if you can find the discontinued Air Nike Cole Haans at an outlet store or on Ebay. They were made with Nike technology/comfort and they are amazing.

      • +1 All my most comfortable shoes are Cole Haan. Get thee to a department store or Cole Haan outlet and survey the goods. The wedges, in particular, are amazing.

    • I have loved this show. Paid full price and it was worth every penny: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/pelle-moda-alera-pump/3572802?cm_mmc=google-_-productads-_-33067288789_-_-85754848&rkg_id=h-ad7b6bf1595500a293d4156008d7831c_t-1497296751&adpos=1o1&creative=145503081281&device=c&network=g&gclid=CM7u7YeJudQCFRqHswodjXwOEw

    • Anonymous :

      I wore cole haan for my own wedding recently. (3 ” heel – straps etc.) I just know that I can walk in Cole Haan because 1/2 my work pumps are from there.

      Similar to Grace on normal site / actually got the hellen on the outlet site (and there was another iteration in department stores). at 1 AM I switched to an older pair of cole haan nude wedges. I was also totally sober (and pregnant).

      Basically buy from the same brand you have work shoes that you can actually walk in.

      I had planned on Stuart Weizman…. and GOOD LORD, my feet hurt after 2 mins in the store.

    • layered bob :

      I don’t have a link handy, but in the past my best shoes for scenarios like this were a pair of “character shoes” made for dancing. I got them for a community theater musical I was in years ago and they were amazing. I think the heel is placed further under the foot. They can be a little fug/frump but some dancewear brands (Capezio maybe?) have some decent looking options.

      • Remembering how much I loved the dance shoes I wore for high school music and theater events, I looked them up. This site has a variety of options that are more formal and are surprisingly affordable. I’ll have to try them next time I need new shoes.

        https://www.dancewearhouseusa.com/store/cat/01DFTW/01BLRM/DANCE+FOOTWEAR/BALLROOM

    • Anonymous :

      Honestly, I’ve given up heels, period. I have had very good luck with Ziera flats and Aetrex very low heel (under 1″). Right now Ziera has very cute patent flats, and they have been my go to for both interviews and other formal occasions, and I can dance in them all night long.

    • I am a big comfort shoe person, and I will always choose a more comfortable shoe over a more attractive one. I wear heels only a few times a year. For my own wedding I wore the mimosa t-strap show from BHLDN and they were SO comfortable. They reminded me of character shoes that I wore for high school plays that were also really comfortable. I have need a wide toe box, and at the time of my wedding I was recovering from knee surgery.

      I bought them fully intending to wear them for the ceremony and then change into sandals, but I wore them for probably 10 hours and felt great the whole time. I’ve also worn them to other events and have found them equally comfortable. These are more than what you’re hoping to spend, but depending on your style you could wear them to lots of events.

    • I, along with several of my friends, have these shoes and no one has ever had anything bad to say about them. We all have variety of feet (flat, arch, etc.) and I wear high-end designer shoes all the time. These beat them all hands down and are cheap to boot. I actually have 2 pairs of black and 2 pairs of nude just in case they ever stop making them.

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bp-luminate-open-toe-dress-sandal-women/3876512?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLUSH%20PATENT

  3. men's winter wear? :

    Reposting from this morning since I didn’t get in with my question until late …

    For those of you in cold weather cities, what do men wear for coats and boots on a daily basis? This would be their work-to-evening outerwear. What colors do men tend to wear for winter wear? What materials?

    I am moving back to a cold weather, urban location and know what women wear but cannot for the life of me remember what men wear. Thanks!

    • My husband wears waterproof chelsea boots and doesn’t change when he gets to the office.

    • Anon in NYC :

      Lined wool coats (depending on how cold it is, perhaps Thinsulate type lining) and/or a puffy coat like a North Face or something similar in a dark color like grey or black.

      My husband is in a casual office and wears comfortable shoes, but chelsea boots are good. Alternatively, he can wear warm boots and keep a change of shoes in his office.

    • DH has had three different versions of this boot.
      https://www.timberland.com/shop/mens-footwear/mens-earthkeepers-original-leather-6-inch-boots-brown-15551210

      Not sure how cold you’re talking but he wears either a wool pea coat (warm-cold) or a down filled bomber-style puffer when it’s cold-cold. (We live in Chicago.) Truthfully, I think you’ll have trouble finding a good winter coat in the northern hemisphere right now. Maybe he should buy when he arrives?

      • men's winter wear? :

        Yeah, he’ll wait to buy for when coats are out again, but I wanted to give him some idea of what to expect. It’s going to be a big weather shock for him so I’m trying to ease him in!

        This is super helpful. Do men ever layer wool coats? I think he likes that style better but … similar location to you and again, weather shock.

        • Anonymous :

          What do you mean by layer wool coats? If you mean a sports coat and then a wool outer coat, sure. If you mean two outer coats on top of each other…no.

          You’d be more likely to layer a sweater under a sports coat/suit jacket and then an insulated wool coat.

          But then some guys run really warm and wear way less than (to me) seems reasonable.

          • men's winter wear? :

            Oh, I mean like I have a wool coat but do a lot of sweater things underneath.

          • Absolutely! On the coldest days it’s t-shirt/long johns + button shirt + sweater + coat.

            I strongly recommend long underwear underneath trousers. Otherwise your top is bundled up and your bottom half is freezing.
            https://www.rei.com/c/mens-long-underwear-bottoms

          • men's winter wear? :

            ooh duh I should have considered REI has that kind of stuff! May have to re-up some stuff for me through them too …

        • Of the North :

          Ease him in to it? Isn’t that what the fall season is for? Assuming the move is a done deal and you’re not trying to convince him to move by showing him that Men of the North wear normal clothes?

          • men's winter wear? :

            Just ease him into all of the things you have to consider (clothing, car upkeep, etc.) in cold weather locales & their associated expenses, same as he’s helped me learn about how to deal with the heat here. Obviously at some point it’s one and done, but there’s a lot in my experience you learn as a child/young adult in those locations, you don’t even realize someone else would have to learn!

          • Yep!

            I said this on the earlier thread, but reposting here: if he needs to wear formal shoes, that’s what galoshes are for!

            Also: Chicago weather requires puffy coats, as (I believe) does Boston. You can mostly get away with wool and a good scarf/ hat in Connecticut and New York.

            Signed,

            I left Chicago after Chiberia

  4. Cell phone upgrades? :

    How often do people upgrade their phones these days? And, for those of you who have employers who pay your phone bill, do they purchase you a new phone? I am woefully behind on these things and just found out last week that the carriers don’t offer free or discounted upgrades anymore with contract renewals.

    • Never?

      Like, why?

      No, my employer does not pay for my phone bill. I used to have an employer discount with AT&T, but I left AT&T because I wanted a much cheaper phone plan.

      • You never upgrade your phone? I’m curious what kind of phone you have. Because planned obsolescence is definitely a thing, and frankly I have strong enough preferences for an iPhone that I’m willing to buy a new one every 2 and a half years or so.

        • Anonymous :

          Not the anon above, but I totally had a blackberry I used for 5 years, and could have gone longer (the phone was still working fine) but I wanted a touchscreen smartphone.

      • Anonymous :

        What company did you go to for service? I’m looking for something affordable.

        • Republic wireless

          I do the $10 a month plan, and for the rare moments I want data and am not near wifi (wifi is free), I press a button on my phone to upgrade for that day. Then go back to the cheap rate.

          I bought their MotoG phone. Not sure what you can use now.

    • My firm pays my phone bill but I bring it in every month and get reimbursed. So when I want a new phone, I have to upgrade my phone plan and the cost of the upgrade is rolled into the phone plan.

      • also – I get an upgrade whenever the balance of my phone is down to 0, so usually once every two years.

    • Anonymous :

      That must be a pretty recent development? I upgraded last year with Sprint and just had to pay some trivial activation fee ($30 I think?). I didn’t have to pay for the phone itself.

      • Anonymous :

        Well – most plans have gone to charging you monthly for the phone, until it’s paid off, or giving you the option to buy it up front. It’s the rare plan that just “gives” away a $300-700 phone.

    • You can often get discounts on your bill using an alumni email address. Personally I buy refurbished phones from eBay so I can avoid being in a contract.

      • Anon 4 this :

        I am not good at this sort of thing, educate me? Can you get them reliably unlocked so the service provider will activate it? Do the service providers give you a hard time at all?

        • Anonymous :

          If you can do an in-person swap (I made a deal with someone on eBay who was local to me and picked it up) you can get the opportunity to check the ESN/IMEI, make sure it’s not iCloud locked, etc. I went to the Verizon store immediately after to get a new SIM and they were happy to help me.

        • You can also find unlocked phones, both new and certified refurbished, on sale on places like newegg dot com. I bought my last droid up front, in cash, there. If you buy a model that’s a year or so old you can get a pretty dang good phone for like 300ish.

          I upgrade when the phone is dead, basically. This take anywhere from 2-4 years.

          • My DH gets all his phones from Newegg or buys them used and unlocked from eBay.

      • Any tips on what to look for from sellers? My beloved iPhone 4 is about to die…

    • Anonymous :

      I try to stretch a phone for 2-3 years, if possible I also like to buy an unlocked (not-carrier specific) version of the phone for full price upfront, instead of factoring it into the service plan.

      Android user, currently with a Motorola (Moto X Pure/3rd gen) phone. Will probably got Samsung the next go around, or whoever has and Android with the least amount of bloatware/customization.

    • Firm pays for my bills directly – I never see a statement, but I am responsible for paying for my device in full at the time I upgrade.

      I think every 18 mos give or take, I qualify for the promotional ‘cheap’ upgrade (as opposed to having to pay full price, but still a few hundred bucks). I am a loyal iPhone user, and this has been true since I joined the firm 5+ years ago.

    • I have separate work and personal phones. For my personal, I use AT&T’s plan to pay a portion of the cost each month – there’s no finance charge so I thought why not. Also, AT&T has great unlimited plans right now. I had to give up a Friends&Family discount, but it was still a good deal for 2 of us (my in-laws finally kicked my DH off their plan lol).

    • Not employer related but my family of four all have iPhones on a Verizon family plan. They have switched from the model where you pay a discounted price up front in exchange for a 2 year contract to a per month charge to buy the phone. In every instance they have offered us the opportunity to upgrade well before the 2 year contract is up. I just hit one year with my iPhone 6 Plus and I can’t upgrade yet, but my daughter and husband were both offered the opportunity at just over a year – maybe 1.25 years. My husband just got an iPhone 7, which is really nice and the camera is incredible.

      So to answer your question about how often we upgrade, as soon as we can! I find a year + old phone doesn’t hold a battery charge as well and ends up being a bit buggy due to being dropped etc.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      My firm gives $300 to the purchase of a new device, and pays my monthly bill.

  5. Anyone know if returns are free with MM Lafleur?

    Thinking about buying a few blouses. Can anyone comment on these, and whether they have become workhorses and how well they stand up to handwashing?

    I am pretty petite/flat chested on top.

    Deneuve 3.0
    Walters top
    Blixen top
    Rowling top

    • I’m curious in general if people think their blouses are worth the money.

    • Marshmallow :

      FWIW I think the dresses are worth it but the blouses are less so. I have the Didion in two colors and LOVE it, but I got it on sale and don’t think it would have been worth full price. MMLF really works for my body type so you notice that the dresses fit great (seaming, etc.) whereas I don’t think you get so much bang for your buck with a blouse that you’re just going to tuck into something else. Then again, I do think their blouses are gorgeous sooo… not saying I wouldn’t ever buy, just that if you have limited resources I think the dresses are a higher impact purchase.

      • Thanks for this.

        I don’t wear dresses, and wear a white lab coat all day, so I aim for a clean monochromatic look of a blouse with interest, simple black grey navy pants, and interesting shoes.

        Are returns free?

    • Delta Dawn :

      Returns are free. Agree with the comments that the blouses are beautiful but not quite as much bang for the buck as their dresses are. I tried on the Deneuve and LOOOOVED it (probably the most bang for buck of their tops, because of all the structure and draping), but I didn’t buy it because it was dry clean only. I tried the Blixen– it is also a lot of structure, almost a swimsuit type fabric (in a good way,) but I didn’t keep it because it had the feel of a ruched maternity top, to me. I have the Rowling. It is lined and in my opinion worth the money. It did get a teeny tiny snag in the delicate fabric (I think it caught on my ring) after the second wear. I haven’t emailed MML yet to see if they will do anything for me about that.

  6. Breakups really suck. I just ended a long relationship this weekend. I really, really wanted it to work, but I really should have known that if the actual relationship was so far away from what I envisioned it being, that it was never going to get there. Of course, even when you know that rationally, it takes time to accept it and now I feel like I wasted a good deal of time. Also things got mean and ugly over the weekend as we both realized it was over.

    • Anon 4 this :

      I’m sorry. Hugs to you.

    • Wildkitten :

      When I had a breakup last year my therapist recommended the book “Coming Apart.” I found it *really* helpful, especially for the feeling like you’ve wasted time. Also, that was like 10 months ago and while it hurt like h*ck at the time, I am now really grateful that I did it. It gets better.

  7. Kitchen Mission :

    Kitchen reno is underway! I’m going to be without a functioning kitchen for about 5 weeks and need meal ideas. We don’t have a great dishwashing setup, so I’m looking for things that can be made in disposable dishes or with minimal cleanup. We have the following: microwave and grill, fridge/freezer, and rice cooker. I’m thinking salads from TJs with pre-cooked chicken, fish on the grill (I hate the idea of having to wash chickenized utensils in my current setup), sandwiches….any suggestions? We have a TJs and a grocery store with a decent prepared foods section.

    • Kitchen Mission :

      To be clear, no dishwasher, no sink other than the bathroom which is a pedestal, not much space to work in other than the width of a cutting board (our dining room table has become the de-facto prep area/storage area/everything area).

    • It sucks. Be prepared for So Much Dust. I know they try to seal it off with plastic and that’s cute but no.

      We had a microwave and a mini-fridge in our living room and used paper plates and disposable cups and utensils. I know it’s bad for the environment. We didn’t have dishwashing abilities at all. We ate takeout or went out to eat A LOT.

      One thing I can tell you from my experience is that while it’s tempting to go on vacation and get away during construction, you need to be there every day to check on it. We went away overnight and came back to an open back door, all of our framed photos knocked off the mantle and a dead rat in the corner. Apparently the rat and my cats had a battle Royale. The contractors left the door open all night and for the entire day we were gone.

      Or maybe you can go away if you have a reliable neighbor to check on it for you. Going away will look pretty good to you by week three

      The positive side is that you will be so psyched to cook in your new kitchen after all that takeout, you will save lots of money for the first month or so. Which I’m sure you will need because there is no such thing as coming in on budget.

    • anon a mouse :

      The fact that you have a grill is huge. You could do a ton of meals with grilled meats plus one of those microwave-steamer bags of veggies. TJ’s has a good selection of meats in marinade. Kebabs are another option. Also, that way you are really limiting the amount of potential contamination.

      • Also, cast iron cookware works just fine on the grill. You can’t cook anything that requires quick, precise temperature changes, but sautéing and simmering are possible. If your grill has a side burner you can just flat out cook with your grill. I went 6 months with only a grill, microwave and crockpot. Even threw a dinner party that pretty much just came off the grill, but wasn’t “grilled” meat and veg.

    • We did this 4 years ago, except we didn’t have a TJs nearby.

      The grill is your friend. We bought pre-assembled kebabs, burgers, salmon patties, crabcakes, etc from the grocery store’s butcher case. Don’t forget you can put a cast iron pan directly on your grill too. (The cast iron holds heat more evenly than other metals, making it a good choice on the grill).

      We actually found it hard to make our own salads because it’s hard to wash all the greens and vegetables in a small sink. But you can load up on the salad from the grocery store salad bar. Or make a grain or lentil salad with TJs pre-made lentils/quinoa + dried fruit + cheese + handful of (thawed) frozen veggies + pre-cooked meat.

      Admittedly, we just gave up on dinner pretty quickly and used the opportunity to explore neighborhood restaurants throughout the city. We also convinced family members and friends to have us over and cook for us. (We’ve more than returned the favors since.) Our renovation spilled over into the living room, and we don’t have a separate dining room, so there was nowhere to sit besides our bedroom, and everything was dusty and messy and crowded.

    • A single burner camping stove is only like $25 on Amazon. For 15 weeks, personally, I’d consider that $25 extremely well spent and just buy one to cook on.

      • https://www.amazon.com/GS-3000-Portable-Stove-Carrying-Approved/dp/B00BS4RP7S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1497295572&sr=8-1&keywords=single+burner+stove

    • Anonymous :

      Honestly, I would get paper plates and plastic utensils. Terrible for the environment but so much easier, and it’s only temporary.

      • WestCoast Lawyer :

        Or buy compostable plates/utensils. Not a perfect solution but better than straight plastic.

        • Yes, I bought a lot of recycled/compostible plates/utensils/cups. Our area doesn’t recycle that stuff but it will biodegrade.

          The biggest problem isn’t cooking, it’s cleanup. I really don’t have sufficient place to wash meat covered or chicken juice covered plates or dirty skillets. The pre-made, pre-cut meats idea is actually a great one. If I don’t have to touch it too much or plate it or cut it up or marinate it that makes things a lot easier.

          • Anonymous :

            Just a note – I don’t think even biodegradable things break down in a landfill – they get buried instead of getting needed airflow.

    • We ate a lot of regular and grilled sandwiches while going through a kitchen reno. Deli meat+deli cheese+bread was probably 4 nights per week. I bought fruit and salad greens already prepared and would raid the grocery store salad bar for hard boiled eggs or smaller quantities of prepped veggies. Cereal was also a common meal. Purchase disposable everything for tableware.

      I didn’t have access to a grill, but if I did, I would buy meat and other grillables from the butcher counter in individual or the exact quantities you need it. The only utensil subjected to raw meat is the tongs that you use to flip it. It’d be easy enough to make protein+grilled potato+steamfresh veggie.

    • If you have a grill, do you have a yard? When my parents remodeled their kitchen, we washed our dishes in the backyard with the hose. Not ideal, but it worked for a few weeks.

      Also, not sure if your grocery store does this, but mine has a grill in the store and will grill your food for free while you shop. Even though my kitchen is not being remodeled, I will often have them grill 1 lb of chicken breasts (with salt and pepper), and then use them in recipes throughout the week.

  8. Coco Chanel :

    As I get older (into my late 30s), my PMS has gotten insane – basically, it comes with enormous sadness and/or anxiety. It’s really, really terrible. I can feel a palpable relief when I finally get my period. Has anyone struggled with this and is there anything that you’ve done to mitigate it? I’m currently not taking any medication at all, FWIW.

    • Right there with you and it s*cks. My doctor recommended a low-dose of anxiety medication during the second half of my cycle. It didn’t work for me because it just takes too long to ramp up, only to go off the medication on the day my period arrives. However, I know it has worked for others.

      What has worked best for me is to give myself ridiculous amounts of self-care during the week before my period. I go to bed early, journal a lot, meditate, and constantly remind myself that it’s a hormonally-induced mood, not my life. It helps some, but I’m also crazy with relief when my period finally arrives.

    • Anonymous :

      Birth control pills can help. There are many types if a particular one you tried didn’t work for you. Mine is ortho-tri cyclen lo.

    • Anonymous :

      Birth control for sure. I don’t have PMS anymore ever.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Just empathy! I am not sure what to blame — had a kid 2 years ago? — but like, I have all these new, ridiculous symptoms! Almost crying in the office about the fact that children grow up — thanks, PMS! When I have my period, I now get “should I go home from the office?” level cramps! And new today, nausea with all of that! What a scam.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I’m having that in the last week- I’ve had a looooooooooooong PMS (usually 1-2 days, on day 4/5 now), with massive sadness/teariness/anxiety. I cried listening to Ed Sheeran twice on Wednesday. Full, bawling “HE’S JUST SO SAD” tears. I’m on Celexa and otherwise doing OK, with some low-level anxiety most of the time. The super PMS is new this month and I’m 1 million percent not a happy camper about it.

      • Hahah I’m laughing with you and not at you, but that Ed Sheeran thing is hilarious.

        If you start crying to a Justin Bieber I think it’s time to seek professional help. :)

    • I’m right there with you, OP. My GYN nurse practitioner recommended that I use progesterone cream from the compounding pharmacy, a pea-sized dab rubbed on my inner arm every day for 7 days before my period. Her theory is that as hormones change, the “crash” from falling progesterone is harder, and the cream helps keep things leveled out. I’ve been doing this for three months and it helps. I had started having hot flashes (at 39!) and haven’t had them since I started the progesterone cream.

      A friend of mine got on progesterone-only birth control for her perimenopause symptoms and had a lot of success with that.

      I would make an appointment with your gyno if you haven’t seen them in awhile. My practice has a special focus on menopause management; they’re very big on the idea that women should not have to suffer as they’re going through menopause any more. There are more options than there used to be.

    • Coco Chanel :

      Thanks, all – this is really helpful. I probably need to see my doctor and talk about this stuff. This last cycle totally walloped me – anxiety, insomnia, sobbing in the car, endless churning negative thoughts – and I know that’s not who I really am now, but it was so hard in the midst of it.

  9. Attornies and everyone else that tracks time- Any suggestions for newbie time-trackers?
    I’m using a google doc and leaving it open all day to add stuff as i go.

    Background: I’m in an industry and role that doesn’t tracks weeks or days rather than hours(Tech, non-Client Service role)but the person managing the org is crazy and one of the ideas is time tracking in 6 minute intervals (crazy given the nature of work and because it is extremely difficult to “bill” and task to a “client”)

    • To clarify – you are required to track your time, so on a given day you’d have, for example, X hours for Client A; Y hours for Client B? However, it sounds like you don’t have a specific software program for this.

      We have a specific time keeping/billing software for our timekeeping. Specifically, I use the timer feature within the software to keep track of my different deals, each of which is tied to the client/matter number for that deal. The client/matter number is set up to record in either tenths of an hour or quarter hours, depending on what the agreement is with the client.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Everyone has a different system, but here’s what worked well for me:

      1) Notepad always by my side. Any time a task begins or is changed (phone rang, boss popped into office to ask for meeting) I write the start time/end time. So it’s a messy sheet that will say:
      7:48 – email KT re stuff
      7:55 – call OC re 6/15 hearing
      8:00 – draft thing
      8:40 – call PO next mtg
      8:45 – meeting Jack
      9:45 – more KT email same
      10:00 – draft thing reserach
      etc. etc. It’s jumbly and messy and only comprehensible to me, but it adds only like 2 seconds of work to each transition, and it becomes a habit really fast.

      2) I am not allowed to leave the office each day until I have translated that jumble into something comprehensible. For me that meant entering it onto a digital timesheet; for you it might be a google doc. The rule that it must be done every day was what allowed the very slapdash initial recording — if I let it go longer my notes wouldn’t be good enough and I would forget what I had done.

    • I think you really need time tracking software – there are tons of options for law firms and accounting firms, from simple to complex – may one of those could be adapted to your org’s needs?

      • Legal Canuck :

        I use billing software to track my time but a note pad helps to keep me on track as well. At the end of each day, I enter my time.

  10. I need help styling a cream blouse. It’s the LOFT utility shirt, of which I own several. But the ivory is really sheer and I can’t figure out how to make it office appropriate. A white tank stands out and looks like an undershirt. A white cami still has a distinctly “bare” vibe despite being fully covered. I’ve also tried a pale pink and nude, and neither quite work. I can get away with it under a jacket, but I’d really like to wear it on its own. Is this shirt a lost cause?

    • Yes. Sorry – i feel your pain.

    • Anonymous :

      Wear a colored tank/cami underneath with the shirt unbutton halfway (ala CJ Cregg) so you are deliberate in showing you have a colored tank/cami.

      Otherwise, it sounds like it won’t work for you.

    • Wear a tank or cami under it that matches your skirt or pants. It will look intentional and give you an unbroken line. I was advised to do this by a personal shopper and it was such a lightbulb moment for me.

      • hmm, so a navy cami with a navy skirt and white blouse over? never would have thought of that.

        • Yes that is the idea. I do it all the time now and I think it looks nice. Last week I wore a pale green blouse with a navy tank and navy skirt, so it’s not just reserved for the white pieces.

    • I have this and I’ve worn it with a black tank and black pants/skirt. I also don’t think it looks bad with white tanks as long as it’s the right material.

    • Marshmallow :

      Maybe this would be terrible in practice but could you put a black tank under it and leave it partially unbuttoned so the black looks intentional? I’m picturing kind of a safari-jacket-over-tank vibe.

    • I would wear nude along with the attitude that, “yes, I have breasts and wear underwear and I will not apologize if my clothing affirms that for you.”

  11. Dealing better :

    Hi hive. I’m the poster who posted a few weeks ago about having a hard time with my energy levels and my husband and son. Since (almost) everyone was so kind I wanted to do a little update. I talked to my husband and he agreed to make time most mornings to take my son to daycare-it gives me time to take a long walk, shower and drink my coffee. Also I gave myself permission to eat dinner first and let my husband “fend for himself.” I relax on the couch when he eats in front of the tv but you know what? It’s ok, I’m much happier. Thanks everyone, I’m looking into counseling,etc, but this was a big first step. Thank you.

    • Anonymous :

      Congrats!!

    • Good for you! Perfect is the enemy of good enough. I’m glad you’ve found your good enough place.

    • I remember this! I’m glad that you two were able to work out a new routine that fits this stage of life.

      I personally think that Family Dinners have become an idol that most parents beat themselves up about. We all have weird work schedules, out of sync commutes, kids who have lunch at 11 am and come home starving…add in after school/after work appointments and the whole thing becomes impossible. When I stopped worshipping at the feet of Family Dinner, my weeknights improved a thousand fold. I save the family meals for weekends, and if we manage to throw one in mid-week–AWESOME! But I don’t beat myself up about it anymore.

  12. Birth control pill question. My teen daughter takes the pill for acne. She decided unilaterally to take a month off the pill. Before she was on the pill her periods were very irregular. Do we have to wait for her to have a period on her own and finish it before she starts again?

    I have a call into her derm who prescribed it, but I thought I’d ask all of you if you’ve done this.

    • She can start it at any point – with acne, you’re just taking the hormonal fluctuation out, so it doesn’t matter when she starts. If you think there’s any chance she’s using it for birth control, how quickly it’s effective depends on when she starts it. If that’s a conversation you’re not comfortable having, the leaflet in the pill pack should explain it and it should also be on the pill manufacturer’s website; you could always suggest she take a look at that for unspecified reasons and allow her to process that information herself.

      • I would say there is a chance she’s using it for BC, but I don’t think she would have gone off of it so blithely if she really were. (She has a boyfriend but they seem pretty innocent). Good to know she can start back on it any time. It will be interesting to see if she’s less emotional off the pill because she has been super emotional at times on the pill, but it’s hard to tell whether that’s just being a teenager.

        • It’s probably worth making sure she understands when/how it becomes effective even if she’s not using it for BC now but might in the future. The advice on that has actually changed since our younger days (when I started on the pill, they said you needed to wait 30 days for it to become effective; the advice is now, in some cases, that it’s immediately effective if you start it on the first day of your period), so you might want to brush up on it as well in case you need to provide advice (to her or to her friends…you never know who’s going to ask). Either way, just nudging her to look at that info might help. Scarleteen is also a great website on this. Even if that’s not where she’s at, it’s also good for her to have a full understanding of how the pill works, since it’s medicine that she’s taking, whether she is s*xually active or not.

          FWIW, I took the pill in high school and wasn’t active (trying to regulate periods), so I’m not one of those people who thinks all teenage girls on the pill are having s*x – I just think it’s important to have full information about health stuff.

    • I hope someone else has the answer to your question, because I don’t!

      That said, I’m nervous writing the following, but hopeful that you (or someone) takes it to heart.

      I was your daughter. I’m now multiple years into fertility issues at 33 years old. All I suggest (ask? humbly beg?) is don’t disregard the root cause of the irregularity. You don’t need to do anything about it today of course, but maybe sometime later in her life… in her 20s? after college?… if you think she might want kids at any point in her life, remind her of the irregularity and consider suggesting that she talk one-on-one to her GYN about the issue. Maybe the root has nothing to do with fertility (or is no big deal whatsoever), but it’s worth asking questions when the time is appropriate.

      My irregular periods were a giant red flag and would have spared me a whole lot of heartache (and a heck of a lot of time – we’re talking years) if the adults in my life when I was 14 were less worried about my acne and were more thoughtful about what my body was trying to tell me. I had been on BC for 12 years before TTC, and I had no memory of my periods before BC because I was so young and it was new and everyone (the doctor, most significantly and disappointingly) only cared about the acne and getting my periods under control because ‘it’s just easier if they’re regular.’

      • Thanks. What would you have done differently at 14 to help with your fertility later?

        If there’s anything to fertility being hereditary she is more than ok (most babies in my family were unplanned – lots of teen pregnancies) but it has occurred to me that this might indicate a problem and I just don’t know what to do about it for a kid who is not looking to get pregnant.

        She’s also an athlete, which is why her pediatrician shrugs off the irregular periods. She still has a reasonable amount of body fat but she is very muscular. (Not a willowy thin type)

        • I took myself to an obgyn at 15 because there was a *chance* I might decide to become sexually active at 16 (different than your stated reason, I know, but there’s always a chance! I had an innocent seeming bf too!) My pediatrician was awesome and presumably very well trained, but I wanted someone who was going to examine my health through the lense of sex and fertility. You know your daughter better than us, obviously, so if you are still concerned in a year or so that the pediatrician is brushing it off, consider seeing a gyn.

          My mom didn’t know I went to the gyn then, and I felt like I had to sneak around. It would have been nice to just have it handled like any other health issue, but #puritanicalgarbage

          I married that innocent bf, by the way ;-)

        • Anonymous :

          It’s also possible that her doctor is not concerned because it’s extremely normal to be irregular – especially if you’re 14 and especially if you’re an athlete. If you’re concerned, get a second opinion, but it’s more likely than not to be not a big deal.

          • That was along the lines of her pediatrician’s response. It’s normal for them to be irregular for the first few years. She’s been menstruating for 2 years. Six months on the pill.

            She emphatically does not want to go to an obgyn. She doesn’t want a pelvic exam.

            I am 100% fine with her being s3xually active if that’s where she’s headed. She is responsible and mature for her age and has a nice boyfriend who is nice to her. No puritanical hang ups. I’m just guessing that they’re not quite there yet.

            My daughter and I do talk about a lot of stuff but I sense some hesitation on this particular topic and I just let her take the lead.

          • You sound like an awesome mom!

        • Irregular periods are very common after menarche. How long has she been menstruating? I think that it’s worth keeping an eye on and if her cycle hasn’t settled by the time she’s been having periods for 4-5 years, it could be worth a visit to the GYN. You won’t know this while she’s on the pill, of course, but presumably she’ll go off it at some point for one reason or another and will have a sense of where things sit.

        • I completely, totally agree it could be 5000% normal and nothing to be concerned about. My point is just don’t forget about it 5-10 years down the road, because she likely won’t remember. And it COULD – very well may not be – but COULD be a sign of something else, because it was for me.

          I don’t wish anything was done differently at 14 to help where I am now. What I really wish, and will forever be angry that this didn’t happen, was for someone to have recommended that I stop taking BC for no less than 6 months when I was 18, or 20 or even 25, so that I could experience my natural cycle as a physically mature woman. With this, I would have seen a definite pattern and could have absolutely prevented a lot of what I’ve had to endure these last two years.

          I have two things going on: (1) severe PCOS, often hereditary and passed down the father’s side with key warning signs being male baldness and being overweight; (2) septate uterus – a deformed uterus, non hereditary, found only on a scan (a scan that they used to diagnose my PCOS and incidentally found the septate uterus), and must be surgically repaired.

          Both things independently could have caused the irregularity so I’ll never know what it was exactly. But, even knowing about the irregularity before going down the TTC rabbit hole would have prompted me to ask questions, and maybe I could have caught/been diagnosed with either of those things in my 20s and not in my 30s after months of TTC the ‘normal’ way.

          • I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Thanks for spelling it out for me. Hugs to you.

      • Anonymous :

        That’s a fair red flag to wave, but it could also be nothing at her age. I was very irregular (went from super short 2 week cycles, to super long 8-9 week cycles) throughout my teen years and into my early 20s. Went on the pill for 10 years. Came back off to TTC and was regular as a clock. So yes, it could be something, but it also could be nothing.

        • Legal Canuck :

          I was irregular in my teens. In my twenties when I was TTC, i was like clockwork. Then 3 MC later and 2 babies later, My periods were 14 days long and only 2-3 days in between. Now I have an IUD and waiting for the time when I can get an ablasion done (my doc will not do it before the age of 40).

  13. Anonymous :

    I’ve gained 10 pounds in the last 6 weeks thanks to a temporary (minor) injury that kept me from my normal work out routine and 3 weeks of travel that resulted in lots of extra wine, dessert, etc. I need to get back down to my normal in the next two weeks because I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding and the dress has no give. (None of my other clothes are fitting right, either.) I can get back to my normal exercise now, but need help on the diet. What do you absolutely eat/not eat when you are trying to get your weight down quickly? I’ve heard no carbonation as it can cause bloating, but any other tips? I’m a pretty healthy person generally, but I have been doing so much extra snacking lately that I’m having trouble getting back to my old routine.

    • I cut out alcohol and simple carbs. Focus on protein and veg primarily.

      • Anon in NYC :

        Agreed. Also, watch out for sodium (bloat/water retention), and dairy makes me bloat but YMMV there.

        As for snacks, I’d eat veggies + hummus or guac, apples, or lara bars.

    • Anonymous :

      I focus on eating vegetables, fruit, chicken, fish, olive oil, and Greek yogurt. I absolutely avoid alcohol, grains, refined cards, and anything with added sugar except my Greek yogurt. And zero snacking on anything except vegetables. I actually do better with just no snacking at all. One less decision to not have to make.

    • Clementine :

      I’m very much a ‘healthy food and healthy lifestyle’ person, not a diet person in general, but I’ve had a bit of luck with something called the ‘Fast Metabolism Diet’. You get lots of food, I took it out from the library. It’s (supposedly) designed to reset your metabolism.

      It’s all real food but no added sugar,dairy,booze,caffeine,corn, junk, etc. Basically 2 days higher (healthy) carbs like fruit, 2 days protein and veg and 3 days of healthy fats. Sounded bananas but is finally budging the scale after a year of trying to loose the last 5-10 pounds of baby weight.

      Hopefully you’ll be lucky like my friend who legit lost 5 pounds in 5 days (and has kept it plus another 10 off for a year), but I’ve actually managed to lose 4-5 pounds in 2 weeks while eating a ton of food.

    • Anonymous :

      To lose weight so quickly, your best bet is low carb/ketosis. It’s tough, but you can stick to it for 2 weeks.

      • Yep. These diets do not work for me long-term, but they can get you into a bridesmaids dress. It seems like they’d also work in your situation–getting back to a weight you’re happy with after a short-term disruption in a healthy routine that works for you.

  14. I just got a robo call from “officer brown of the criminal investigations dept of the IRS”

    If the actual IRS, they would write a letter, not call, correct?

    • Dealing better :

      Correct. “Officer brown” pulled this with me;told me I was being sued. I said I never got a summons and complaint. I kid you not, he said” if you don’t believe me, just hang up.” Laughed my butt off then reported it as a scam to re authorities.

      • I hung up before I got to the meat of the discussion and then briefly had a second thought, because I had federal tax identify theft a year ago (someone filed for, and received, a tax refund using my SSN. It made filing my taxes very… interesting)

        But I googled Whois 301-307-1754 and see that others have reported this as an IRS robocall scam number so I feel better about hanging up immediately.

        Thanks!

    • Anon in NYC :

      More than likely, yes. I’d report the number. See https://www.irs.gov/uac/report-phishing

    • That is my understanding, yes. The IRS either mails, or shows up!

    • They also wouldn’t robo call!

  15. Frustrated :

    I am so frustrated. I cannot ask my husband to do anything– ANYTHING– without pushback or flat out refusal. Will you unload the dishwasher please? Not right now (aka never). Will you call the pediatrician to make the baby’s checkup appointment? No, why can’t you do that. Will you change the porch lightbulb that has been out for two months please? No, I don’t care if the light is out.

    I CANNOT TAKE IT. I finally accepted that I just can’t ask him to do anything. I hire people for everything. I have a handyman (porch light), a housekeeper (dishwasher), and I’m looking into a personal assistant to do things like pediatrician appointments. But the ONE THING he manages to contribute to household upkeep is picking up the online grocery order. Mind you– I make the list, I keep up with what we need, I determine what we will eat and add it to the list, it’s entirely my labor– yet once a week he agrees to drive to the store, let them put it in his car, and drive it home. AND TODAY HE FORGOT. And now I have to go to the store tonight after work because if we don’t there is no food for me or for the kid.

    I don’t understand how someone can be so completely worthless. Or how I can be married to someone so completely worthless. Ugh.

    • Boy I am sorry to hear this. It would be an absolute 100% deal breaker for me.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      Some questions: Why is he not doing anything else around the house besides picking up the groceries? Does he not help with anything with caring for your child? Does he work significantly more than you?

      • Frustrated :

        He is very hands on with the baby– like, spends a lot of time with the baby while I bustle around in the background doing literally every single other thing that must be done. Consequently, the baby likes him more than me (great). So, he does serve that one function. He does not work more than I do– in fact, he works from home about four days per week. One would think he could throw in a load of laundry every once in a while, but this appears impossible. The other days, he travels, so he’s not here to manage the baby while I am (still) doing the entirety of everything else. I am in mid-law.

        • Anonymous :

          Stop doing other things take the baby and play with it. Also divorce him

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          It sounds like he doesn’t want the responsibility of being an adult. I am not saying it is bad he plays with the baby, but if that is all he does that is insane. It sounds like you have two children-one just happens to technically be an adult.

          • Anomnibus :

            Right, playing with the baby is definitely part of parenting, but it’s the fun part. He seems to want to do the fun stuff without any of the less fun stuff, like picking things up for the baby or taking the baby to the doctor.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m sorry, that sucks a lot. This is super petty, but can you get just enough food for you and the baby and leave him to fend for himself and/or go get the groceries?

      • I did this with my husband. It totally works. Here’s my story:

        My husband is a genial, sweet, mostly-helpful but sometimes absent-minded guy. He was great at doing what I asked him to do and was generally very helpful – until he lost his mind, or something, when our kid was about three years old and he suddenly turned into a sulky, mouthy teenager who refused to do anything. As with the OP, any request was met with “I’ll do it later,” coupled with a huffy sigh, and then “later” never arrived.

        I rolled with it as best I could for about four months. We had talks. I tried to explain how I felt. We made chore lists (he would never do what was on his list). We’d have another talk. I told him I wanted to see a counselor (which he didn’t think was necessary). I was at my wit’s end.

        Finally, I decided, you know what? He’s a grown adult and if I was not here, he’d have to figure this stuff out himself. So I quit doing anything that helped or benefited him in any way. I quit buying the food he liked. (I wouldn’t even tell him when I was going to the store,or consult with him on the shopping list.) I quit making dinners he would eat, and the kid and I would eat without him if he didn’t get home in time (and I wouldn’t leave him a plate in the microwave, either). I bought stuff – groceries, soap, towels, etc. for me and the kid – nothing for him. Didn’t do his laundry and wouldn’t put his dishes in the dishwasher for him. I went on two trips with just me and the kid and didn’t even tell him about them until the day we left. I took him off my car insurance and health insurance and told him “I strongly suggest you get your own coverage ASAP, but if you don’t, I’m not going to help you pay your bills if the worst happens.” We already had mostly-separate finances and I quit putting money in the joint account we used for the house. When something needed fixing, I wouldn’t even ask him – I’d fix it, or I’d hire someone. I bought a new bed for the baby without consulting him.

        After three months of this, he exploded. The baby was with my mom for the weekend, I hadn’t cleared this with him first, and he lost it over being treated “like a non-entity in his own home.” I stayed calm and explained, in detail, how we had gotten to that point. We fought alllll weekend (one of those where you go to sleep angry and exhausted, only to start fighting again within minutes in the morning) and I told him, there’s only two ways this ends: shape up, or ship out. He agreed to see a counselor with me.

        That was 10 years ago and while nothing’s perfect, things have never gotten that bad again. He was going through some kind of midlife crisis where he felt “penned in” by his life; he had to work through that. But I rarely have to ask him to do basic stuff any more, and when I do have to ask, I never have to remind.

        OP, I don’t know if this will work for you or not but one thing my husband said about our rough patch is that it helped him realize what living by himself would be like, and he didn’t like it. If you’re making things too easy for your husband, just stop. Stop doing anything that benefits him and leave him to his own devices. He’ll either like it, and leave, or get scared and want to fix things. I hope it’s the latter. Good luck.

        • Senior Attorney :

          You are awesome. This is epic.

          • Let me just add – it felt awful, awful, awful at the time. Like literally every day I woke up thinking this was the last day of my marriage. I cried so much those months. But – to me, if I’m already living like a single parent, let’s take that to the logical conclusion. I was so angry and resentful of him, because he was living like a sullen teenager when he was an adult with responsibilities. To me, you don’t get the benefit of being married and having a partner without contributing. Plus, the attitude he exhibited – ugh. I couldn’t take it. I felt continually disrespected and dismissed. I’m willing to hang in with my own child through the tough teenage years. But not with a 40-year-old man who should have gotten that out of his system.

            A ton of stuff came up in counseling, including the degree to which my husband had to be the parent/responsible adult in his house when he was a child. The therapist pointed out that some of his behavior was probably related to the stress of becoming a parent, and also that he felt I was “safe” and would take care of him no matter what, unlike his own parents. I came out with a more empathetic view of him. But when I say our marriage barely survived this, I mean “barely, as in by the skin of my teeth.” This approach is not for the faint of heart.

        • This is an amazing approach, and must have been incredibly difficult. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this, but your thinking about why it makes sense is just genius.

        • YOU ARE AWESOME.

          I love it because you were just moving on with your life. No matter how he reacted (or didn’t) you weren’t passively waiting for signals from him on what to do next, or bottling up your feelings.

          • I had the same issues with my husband (and still do to some degree)

            I’ve tried smaller steps around the same theme. Like, I stopped doing my husband’s laundry, stopped asking him to do stuff and just hired people to do it. I even separated my finances from his completely.

            The result? He began to retaliate and escalating. I tried explaining my reasoning and he couldn’t grasp that my behavior was a reaction to his lack of cooperation. Long story short, it blew up in my face.

            Be careful if you decide to attempt this ;)

    • Is this attitude from him new or has he always been this way? If new, what has changed? I just don’t think I could take this at all. Any other redeeming qualities would be moot compared to what you have described. I’m sorry.

    • Whoa, that’s not right. Why is all of this on you? Does he even realize that this is a major issue (i.e., a dealbreaker)?

    • Anonymous :

      You can fix this anytime. File for divorce. You’re already a single parent. You are worth more in life than parenting a manchild.

    • Anonymous :

      Also for today tell him to go back. This is his one job. And or buy takeout for you and baby and not him. And tell him to find somewhere else to sleep.

      • Senior Attorney :

        This this thisity this.

        If you go back for the groceries today, he will never pick them up again. I guarantee it. There must be consequences to him for forgetting.

        I suggest filing for divorce, but at the very least they should include having to go back and pick them up.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 why can’t he still pick them up?

      • I agree. I’m so sorry, this sounds horrible. I’d make him go back and pick up the groceries, and then when he comes home with them, ask him to go elsewhere for the night. I think he should move out and do some hard thinking about what his marriage is worth to him. Your home workload will probably actually feel lighter with him gone.

    • Anomnibus :

      That sounds awful! I’ve only recently realized how much emotional/mental labor goes into running a household by yourself. It’s exhausting, and you don’t realize it until you feel 120% DONE with everything. It’s not just that you’re doing everything, it’s that you’re the only one who thinks about what needs to be done and when, and he’s not thinking about it at all. He might work hard at his job, but he’s turning his brain off and coasting at home. Not cool.

      I’m wondering, in this situation, has he always been this way? I’m hesitant to advise you to play detective and find the root of the problem, on top of all that you do, but you should make it clear to him that you need him to do more around the house, especially when asked, and it’s not acceptable to flat-out refuse or put it off forever. He might be thinking either he works harder and should get to relax when he’s home (nope, you didn’t agree to a housewife role, he needs to do stuff), or he’s thinking you’re “just better at that stuff,” which is also garbage.

    • Senior Attorney :

      “I don’t understand how someone can be so completely worthless. Or how I can be married to someone so completely worthless. Ugh.”

      If this is how you feel, your marriage is over. You should make the call and put it out of its misery. Which, based on what you have described, is probably the right move.

      • +1.

        But yes, in the short term, tell him to go to the grocery store.

      • I am getting divorced for just this reason. Just found out (post filing) that he was also having multiple affairs, which validates the divorce decision. But the original reason is that I was sick of doing everything (and making all the money). Mine was also an addict and I found out post divorce that he was also continuint to use. You might not have all those other bad things (I hope you don’t.) In hindsight, my only regret is I didn’t do it earlier.

        • How did you make out in divorce proceedings? I have not personally been in this situation but have one friend and one close relative who were in similar situations, and the loser dad got alimony and child support as well as unsupervised time with the kids. One even fought for full custody because, ya know, he was unemployed and therefore home all the time, while his “b1tch” wife worked all of the time (to support his lazy ass.)

          • (To be clear, loser dad did not actually want the kids all or even most of the time. He just wanted full time child support)

    • DTMFA

  16. San Leandro? :

    Hello! Does anyone here live in San Leandro, CA? Fiance and I are debating moving there in the next few months because Oakland housing prices are ridiculous and Castro Valley is bit too far away for us. If you live there, do you recommend it? Thoughts on the local middle school and school? TIA!

  17. Thinning hair :

    My hair is thinning. My scalp is healthy (per dr). Any suggestions for vitamins, potions, or other sorcery to help restore my locks?

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