Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Oooh: this ribbed tank dress looks kind of perfect for a casual weekend. For some reason I’m seeing it with a big chunky cardigan and Stan Smith-like sneakers (or, hey, combat boots), but I also like the idea of it dressed up a bit with heeled sandals and some delicate jewelry. The dress is $98 at Nordstrom, available in green (pictured) and black.  Tommy Ribbed Tank Dress

(Also, this dress looks gorgeous for a fun slip dress, but it keeps going in and out of stock in black, and I’m not fond of the blue. If you’re looking for a similar tank dress in plus sizes, this one or this one look great; this one has sleeves but has a similar vibe.)

PSST: As some eagle eyed readers have already noted, some Labor Day sales are already starting, including Nordstrom’s big Summer Sale. I’ll try to do a quick roundup with some sale picks from the Nordstrom sale and add them to this post. I’m already noticing tons of great options on sale from lingerie brands like Chantelle, Natori, Hanky Panky,

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Comments

  1. A few days ago I was feeling grumpy that Halloween items are already on sale at most store. But then I saw Modcloth’s Boo-tique. I had no idea that I needed holiday clothes, but boy do I

    https://www.modcloth.com/shop/halloween-clothes-decor/oh-my-gosh-a-line-dress/144073.html?cgid=halloween_clothes_decor_1905&dwvar_144073_color=PRP#sz=36&start=1

  2. That dress screams Kardashian to me.

    • Good call!

    • Don’t shoot me, but for my body type, the Kardashians are not the worst style examples. If you add 3 inches of material to every seam and size everything up, the silhouettes are useful. I own a dress in this vein and it works. The rest of the fashion world offers very little in the way of models for curves.

      • fake coffee snob :

        I wish I had your body type! I honestly like their aesthetic, even though they take it to the extreme (and also recognizing the cultural appropriation moments are awful.) I know they’re fun to hate, but what they wear pretty much defines modern style for me at least for now.

    • Anonymous :

      I am kind of pencil shaped, so this would be very sedate on me. All of my clothes would look Kardashian-like on an actual Kardashian. OTOH, if you are flatchested, it’s hard to look vulgar (and I’ve tried).

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        +1!! Pencil shaped is a very complimentary term to describe my build. I have to buy fitted clothes or I look ill.

    • Eh, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s not a work dress, obviously.

    • I have a wrap dress that will not stay closed on the top, and opens pretty wide on the bottom when I sit. I’ve spent a lot of time looking for a basic tank dress to wear under it – meant to be seen but not a stand-along item. They are harder to find than they should be (basic tank dresses)

      • What about a slip?

        • That’s what I bought but they are always too thin/borderline sheer, and also short.

          I want the weight of a classic men’s “wife beater” – I also prefer cotton to synthetic. It’s surprisingly hard to find something like this.

          • This? https://www.target.com/p/assets-174-by-spanx-174-women-s-in-or-out-shaping-full-slip-black-s/-/A-17186329?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&CPNG=PLA_Women+Shopping&adgroup=SC_Women&LID=700000001170770pgs&network=g&device=c&location=1025354&gclid=CjwKCAjwranNBRBhEiwASu908HhoVkDOA6SqhDmicP2Wbm34xFypPQm7hbej5BwTgA_oMKFJosrRYhoCkN8QAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

  3. Weekend warrior :

    I have a question about how to coordinate being a “weekend warrior.” I love the outdoors and recently moved to an area where I had to buy a car, which has opened up possibilities for more weekend trips. I especially want to go camping more. I have heard people say that it’s always better to leave on Friday night so you can have two nights away, but how does that work if you can’t leave until 6 and you have to drive 4-5 hours? The thought of a long drive after a long week of work to arrive in the dark and have to set up a tent is somewhat unappealing, but I can’t always take a half day on Friday to get an earlier start. Does anyone have tips for managing this process or can you comment on whether it’s worth it to just suck it up? Also, do you do all your chores and errands for the week in advance?

    • Anonymous :

      I think it works for glamping (or for me: motel 6 so I have a locking door and a hot shower) more than actual camping. I haven’t camped since high school but I love motel-based wilderness adventures :)

      Or the Subaru commercial where people just sleep in their car.

    • Marshmallow :

      For us the key is to choose somewhere within a 2 hour drive and try to leave work as early as possible. We pack the car (except for food) the night before. We set up as much camp as we can the first night in the dark, then wake up early on Saturday and do the rest. I’d rather have a late-night drive and wake up in the woods than leave on the Saturday morning. But no, I wouldn’t do a 4-5 hour drive on a Friday night.

      • Weekend warrior :

        The places I want to go (Tahoe, Yosemite) are about 2.5-3.5 hours away from where I live, but the catch is that that is in no traffic. Too bad there is almost ALWAYS traffic in California now, so even if I plan to go somewhere 3 hours away, it could easily take at least 5. I don’t want to give up on trying though since I occasionally luck out and miss the traffic!

        • Lorelai Gilmore :

          There are a million great places in California closer than Tahoe and Yosemite. Try Big Basin, the Sonoma Coast, the Santa Cruz Mountains, all of the stuff in Marin. If you’re in the Bay Area then I think Tahoe and Yosemite are better for long weekends (and book early!).

          • Weekend warrior :

            I agree and I’ve hit up every place on your list multiple times (I used to live here before returning last year). They’re all fantastic, but I especially love the Sierras and want to find a way to get up there more when it’s NOT a holiday weekend. Yosemite gets way too crowded over long weekends.

        • Anonymous :

          I would also pick something a bit closer – pt Reyes, Tomales bay, Santa Cruz.

          That being said we have many times done a weekend to Yosemite or Tahoe. I prefer to leave super early Saturday morning as Friday traffic is just unbearable.

          Nothing better than leaving at 5am and arrive to Yosemite in the cool morning before the crowds.

    • I used to sleep in my car – I had a Volvo station wagon, and with the back seats folded, it worked fine! Do you really have to go 4-5 hours, though? I usually wouldn’t go that far for less than a 3-day weekend. If there’s stuff in the 2-3 hour range, the driving to fun ratio works out much better.

    • Anonymous :

      We go places that are 2-3 hours away and sometimes sleep on an air mattress in the back of the car (with the seats folded down.) It’s hard to set up camp in the dark, haha though headlamps help. I would much rather get there late Friday than arrive on Saturday. We usually leave after breakfast on Sunday and get back with enough time to do chores on Sunday afternoon. It’s not an every weekend thing, but I love getting away for a couple nights every now and then!

    • Anonymous :

      We live in the DC area and we more consider driving 1.5 hrs (to Shenandoah) on a Friday night. I also don’t mind doing just one overnight camping. We also do a lot of hikes within 1-2hrs and then come back home to sleep. So yeh, driving 4-5hrs a way for a two-day weekend is a little much (But I would consider it for a 3 day weekend).

    • Are you in the Bay Area? That’s the drive time to most weekend outdoor destinations. I used to do the “pitch the tent in the dark” thing when I was in my twenties. I don’t have the stamina anymore — partly age, partly biglaw, partly little kids. If I were young or worked less I would probably try to take Friday off on some summer weekends, and start driving out of town at first light on Friday morning.

  4. Any advice for a novice runner who seems to have bad ankles for running? I’ll be jogging at a slow pace (I’m talking turtle through molasses here – I am not a speed demon at all) and my ankles will get sore and achy. If I stop and walk, they eventually be fine, but then if I start running within a few minutes they start to hurt again. Only seems to happen when I run; I haven’t noticed it when I play tennis or with most other types of cardio I’ll do.

    • Have you been professionally fitted for running shoes? That solves a lot of my aches when I get new shoes. Getting re-evaluated every few years isn’t bad either because your gait/weight/shoe technology may change.
      Are you doing exercises focusing on stabilizing and strengthening your ankles? Or, maybe running just isn’t a great sport for you- that’s ok too.

    • I’d do exercises to strengthen your ankles, maybe go to a PT for that. And just keep at it. It sounds like they need conditioning.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I’d suggest a personal trainer to help you make sure you are running properly, and also getting fitted for running shoes that both fit and are appropriate for your skill level and style.

    • Anonymous :

      I have bad knees and had similar issues when I first took up running about 6 months ago. I started on one of the 12-week couch-to-whatever plans that uses walking and running intervals and increases the duration of intervals over time. That was a good way to condition my knees to run without too much pain, and I’m finally able to run for longer distances now with zero pain. I think the walking intervals are really helpful until your joints get used to taking the kind of pounding that they do from running.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t know that this is good advice, but I went rogue and got “barefoot” sandals. I did a lot of walking to try to build strength gradually. The PT wanted me to use giant orthotics and wanted me to use them literally all the time–thus my rebellion!

    • Your ankles (and all other bones and ligaments) need time to adjust to running. Even running at a super slow pace is still a stress on your ankles which they did “know” before.
      Make sure you wear good running shoes for your type of feet, gait and weight. Women tend to have overpronating feet (ankles bending inwards) and usually will benefit from high-support shoes (eg Asics Kayano).
      Try switching running and walking intervals in the first 2-3 months to help ease you body into running.
      I did not do any ankle-specific strengthening exercises, I just made sure to stretch well (stretching after my runs and I also incorporated yoga into my workout routine).
      If you still feel pain, consult with a physiotherapist.

    • Anonymous :

      There are two reasons a novice runner’s ankles hurt: (1) old sneakers; and/or (2) the runner is overweight. If you have new shoes and are overweight, then you may have to work on dropping some weight first. Start by walking, then walking/running, and then finally running short distances until you can build up to longer distances. Running on a treadmill, at least at first, may help. Alternatively, running on a track or on grass, which are softer and easier on your joints, also may help too.

    • Anonymous :

      I used to have bad ankles (I have loose joints in general). Running made them sort of slip or hurt my tendon. Running backwards on an eliptical put muscle where I needed it and no more pain!

  5. Fly over lawyer :

    Can anyone talk me in or out of having a third child? I know this is a deeply personal decision, however my husband and I seem to swing back and forth between definitely yes and definitely no. We have two (3 and 1) currently. In the yes column, our kids have only two cousins and they live across the country, we want to them to have more family, when we think about the future we like the idea of a big family as well. In the no column, the environmental impact of another human, the current political environment and the threat of climate change, it will make it harder to travel as a family and while we are very financially comfortable with two we would have to budget much more closely for three. I struggled with anxiety after my second child and worry about that as well as the potential strain on our marriage. I guess what I’m looking for is some honest perspective, good and bad, on a third child. (Yes, we are considering adoption as well.)

    • Anonymous :

      The threshold question is whether you, personally, can handle a third child. The considerations you list, including the potential impact on your marriage, are only relevant after you and your husband have each decided that you are individually capable of dealing with another child.

    • Anonymous :

      Do it. You will never regret it. I really regret not having a 3rd and it’s too late now.

      • Anonymous :

        I totally disagree that you will never regret another child. I have several friends who were happy with x number of kids and adding one more upset the balance. Do they love the last kid? Of course. But it has taken a toll on the marriage or the finances or the relationships with the older kids and some of them have plainly admitted they should not have had the last child. You will love any child you have, but that doesn’t mean having one more is the right decision for your family.

    • Anonymous :

      IMO, the global issues aren’t important for having #3.

      The working mom issues are real — at some point, you may have two schools to deal with for many, many years and those transition years are rough. And 3 in college at potentially the same time.

      I barely made it though the early years in BigLaw when the kids had the flu or other serious illnesses (and the minor illnesses / stomach bugs were no picnic). The schedule havoc — that would be my personal breaking point.

      If I stayed home, I’d be on Team Will Take all the Kids I Can Have (I come from big farm families). But BigLaw feels like 2 kids of drama, so that + 2 real children = some days are rough.

    • One point from someone with twins. You don’t necessarily get only a “third.” That what is currently scaring us from trying again. Twins are tons of fun! But also a lot of work.

      • Thistledown :

        Yes! This happened to my work friend. She was trying for a third and is having twins. She’s in the middle of her second trimester and looks exhausted. I can’t imagine twins and plus two older children.

      • This is us. We have twins and I don’t think we could hack it emotionally or financially if we had twins again. It’s scary.

    • Treble chef :

      We actually need for children in this country, especially coming from thoughtful loving parents like you. Our declining population growth rate and misguided clamping down on immigration will be bad for our economy.

      Go for it.

      And work on your anxiety in the meantime.

      • anonymous :

        I hate this way of thinking, and it strikes me as selfish and shortsighted. I would hate to be a child brought into the world as part of some intergenerational ponzi scheme.

        I agree that OP sounds like she could work on anxiety.

        • I don’t disagree with you. I will admit that at times my mind has wandered to thinking we should have more kids because we are moderate, common sense people who believe in science and facts, etc. Although no guarantee that our kids will turn out that way!

          • Anonymous :

            I will say that I really enjoy the dynamics of a family of five. It is more of a mini-community at that point. (The more intense relationship between exactly two siblings is probably a special thing to have as well; I just haven’t experienced it!) I read a study that children with fewer siblings build stronger communities ties, whereas children with more siblings tend to fall back on family. This maps very well onto people I know. There are pros and cons to both experiences.

            I think I picture healthy populations as having enough childless couples and individuals to support some bigger families without wild population growth or too many children for adults to handle. I think our culture needs to stop pressuring (not to mention compelling…) people who truly don’t want kids at all into having them, but that’s not on you.

          • Anonymous :

            I’ve had the same thought and was wondering if that makes me a terrible person.

      • This is a reason to foster or adopt children who already need homes, not a reason to produce more children.

    • Anonymous :

      I actually think your points about global warming and environmental impact are completely solid and the reason my partner and I don’t have children. I think some really good science is pointing to our planet becoming dramatically less habitable in our lifetime, and I do not feel at all good about bringing other people into that.

      • I agree. I don’t think these arguments should be discarded out of hand. Larger families have a greater environmental impact (on balance; of course there are some smaller families with an outsize impact) and we will ALL, small family or large, have to deal with the catastrophic consequences of climate change. I don’t feel good about bringing children into that either.

      • I agree, it’s not the terrorism or gun violence that worries me, it’s the drought, flooding, extreme temps, etc. what kind of quality of life will people have 80 years from now if nothing changes? But as people stated above that could be anxiety talking.

        • Anonymous :

          I’m not someone who struggles with anxiety and this is a key reason I do not plan to have children. My belief that the future will hold a more difficult life is primarily due to climate change.

    • Anonymous :

      Well, I have three and could not imagine not having my youngest! So I say go for it! The change from what my husband described as man-on-man to zone defense took an adjustment. We were suddenly outnumbered by little people! But the change was not nearly as drastic from 0-1. By the time you have 2 kids, your life is accustom to children. One more just adds to the fun (and the stress, but I am already stressed and probably would be without any children as well.)

      • I would like to have a baby. I would settle for 1 child, if I could have a husband. I have been toying with INVITRO, but I vassilate, and think I realy need a HUSBAND to raise a child with me. Dad says he will help, but I do NOT want Dad to spend his retirement raising MY child. He deserves his free time, and he is teaching classes at Columbia, so how much time will he have? I think Mom will wind up doeing alot, and she is busy with Grandma Trudy and also with Grandma Leyeh and her bunions! FOOEY b/c I need a nanny, so I will have to find someone from the ISLANDS to help me, but they are EXPENSIVE! DOUBEL FOOEY b/c I need to have her ON the books so that I do NOT get into troubel with the IRS! YAY!!!!!!

    • Anonymous :

      I think if you aren’t sure you’re done, then you’re not done. You won’t regret it once the baby is here! But I also agree that twins or a special needs child is always a risk. It’s gonna be crazy but I say go for it. And you didn’t say you can’t afford the third, just that you’ll have to budget closely. You can do it.

      • Anonymous :

        I have the opposite view–if you aren’t sure you want another kid, then you don’t really want it.

        • Anonymous :

          cosign

        • Anonattorney :

          I don’t think she’s saying she doesn’t want a third, I think she’s trying to figure out if the cons outweigh the wants of having the kid. I am currently pregnant with my second, who I 100% knew I wanted, but before we pulled the trigger on TTC we had to have discussions about whether we could realistically make two work with our budget and lifestyle.

          The kid decision is so hard – for me personally, I surprisingly love love love having kids. I like being pregnant, I love being a mom. All of the problems created by kids typically relate to time and financial concerns. If I had unlimited time and money, I would have all the kids my body could handle (not really, I’d probably have 4). But I know that my budget can’t handle more than 2. I can’t comfortably save for retirement and college, and afford decent childcare for more than two little people. That’s my

        • Your perspective on this can change over time. I knew we were done after two, mainly because I had my second just before I turned 40. For a few years, I did feel a strong pull to have another child and had a lot of mixed emotions about it. But that dissipated by my mid-40s (maybe it’s hormonal?). Now with two teenagers and eight years of college tuition looming, I am really glad we didn’t have a third and have no regrets.

          • Anonymous :

            Several of my friends and I have talked about this – even in situations where there was an intentional childfree situation, or where there was no chance of having another child due to a partner’s vasectomy or an endometrial ablation, most of us went through a period in our early 40s where we really wanted another baby. One of my friends who is not married and is very happily childfree started researching sperm banks! Then she told me, “I decided it had to be like being on d r ugs – you have to know when the chemicals are doing the talking.” I think there’s one last hormonal push tp reproduce before perimenopause that happens to some people.

            I am 40 with an intentional only child and while I sometimes think we maybe should have had another, I also pretty much knew we were done and our family was complete as soon as our son was born. I don’t know anyone who has ever admitted to regretting having another baby, but I can’t imagine starting all over again at this point.

    • special needs :

      Think about how you would feel if you have a child with special needs. There are no guarantees that anyone stays healthy, but that would be a dealbreaker for many people.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        I guess it depends on the type of needs we are talking about though. There are lots of tests available early on in pregnancy that could allow the OP to make that decision when the time comes. Although admittedly, there are lots for which there are no tests, so you do have to consider that as a possibility.

    • One of my favorite authors on time management, Laura Vanderkam, started a podcast recently and one of the first episodes was about why she and the cohost chose to have more than two children. The podcast is aimed at how working moms do all that they do and have full, rich lives. The podcast on 2+ children was so useful to me in confirming I am not them. Podcast is called “Best of Both Worlds”

      • Housecounsel :

        Three kids was really hard when they were young. I have a big gap between 2 and 3 (unplanned but very welcome), though, and that helped. I just flew home from moving my first into her college dorm, across the country, for freshman year. She is thrilled and happy and thriving. I feel unmoored, and so grateful for a lot of things but right now expecially that I have a lot more years of hands-on mothering left. I am not ready for this stage of parenting to be over.

      • Thank you I will check it out!

    • Anonymous :

      Your points about the environment impact of a child are valid, but you’ve already had two. The earth is already f&cked.

      • Anonymous :

        I sort of agree. I think I am so pessimistic about something terrible happening that decimates the human population that I’m not entirely sold on preventing this with family planning. We’ll need every tenth person around when the plague hits! As far as humans are concerned, having more kids seems strategic at this point.

        But until then, there’s everything else that lives on earth to consider.

    • Greensleeves :

      I will disagree with an earlier poster and say that I found going from 2 to 3 the hardest transition. We were doing great with 2 kids, had a solid routine, and the third upset that to a surprising degree. I’m sure it didn’t help that I had post-partum anxiety and trouble breastfeeding, or that my second was still in diapers when the third arrived.

      That said, I really do think it comes down to you and your spouse and your personalities. We are introverts and while I multitask well at work, I get overwhelmed pretty quickly at home when multiple people loudly want/need something all at the same time. Which is a frequent occurrence with three kids!

      On the practical side, you’ve already noted that it makes travel trickier and more expensive. Also, once they’re in school, you know have another set of classroom events, parent-teacher conferences, sick days, homework help, etc to deal with. It complicates the juggle of being a working mom. Something you may not be thinking about yet, as yours are still younger, is that as they get older and involved in activities, it gets incredibly crazy sometimes. Compared to many of our neighbors and peers, we really limit our kids’ activities. But even if you only allow each kid to do one sport/activity, as they progress they will need to be there more than once a week, and sometimes two adults isn’t enough to get everyone where they go when three kids have to be in three different places at overlapping times!

      Best wishes as you decide!

      • We have 3 and 1 to 2 was the toughest. We had our routine down with 1. She was a mild mannered kid who liked to play alone and read and snuggle. She was even potty trained when 2 came along. But 2 was a poor sleeper and full of p*ss and vinegar. Still is. She spent the first 18 months of her life on a death mission, putting literallly everything in her mouth, forks in plugs (TRYING to, of course we were childproofed), climbing stairs, doing pull ups on tables, learned to open cates and doors before her first birthday allergist (dragging a stool to the door to open it is apparently very advanced. The doc tried to make me feel better when I complained!). She literally yelled instead of spoke until 16 months.

        For some reason we decided we could handle another #2. But instead we got # 3 who is more mild in temper and somehow acts as a peacemaker between my older 2. Plus the oldest was 6 when #3 was born and could really help and fend for herself.

        I often find myself wondering which kid I’ll have to bail out of jail- #1 for some kind of crazy legal scenario involving a long con and extortion #3 for hacking or #2 for carjacking and bank robbery.

        • This post was not intended to be funny, and I really appreciate your perspective…but this post was hilarious.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      Not sure how much help I’ll be. My husband and I were happy with no kids. Then a close friend of mine passed away, and we became the guardian (and eventually adopted) her two boys. We were happy with two kids. Then I got pregnant (entirely unplanned) with twins. Now we are happy with four.

      Four boys..it’s something else! My advice if you do go for another would be to really be OK with getting outside help for whatever helps you. As for planning kids’ activities and school, I really do think about convenience so we can have time together as a family and our lives are not hectic. My two oldest can walk/ride their bikes/take the bus most places they need to go, and school/activities are otherwise a very short drive within our neighborhood or to an adjacent neighborhood. We live in the city, so everything is close by, and to each their own, but it amazes me how much time some of my (biglaw) co-workers spend driving their kids around.

      • Wow, I am in awe.

      • You are an inspiration!! So amazed.

      • That’s amazing! Reminds me of a childhood friend, whose parents couldn’t have biological kids, so they adopted three, then shortly after their third, took in their three nieces/nephews when their parents died in an accident. From zero to six in less than three years! Hats off to you :-)

    • Anonymous :

      Three kids is a lot. A lot.

      If you are on fence stick with two.

    • We have 2 (1 and almost 4). We just had this talk and landed on pulling the goalie and seeing what happens. We love our 2, and they are awesome. Why not have a 3rd? We don’t roll in money, but we have room in our house, our childcare situation will be about the same with a 3rd, and yes, more kids = more money but our budget can absorb it.

      We talked about (of course) the risk of something going wrong. We also talked about how it might mean lower key (ie lower cost) family vacations and it also might mean we don’t pay for 100% of private college tuition for everyone. We won’t get to ease up on childcare when the2nd goes to preschool, but at this point we’ve been forking over so much money for childcare we’re used to it. And we will have the last of our student loans paid off this December.

      I hate being pregnant. And my second was a really hard baby until 9 months. But at the 1 year mark, I realized how easy and fun she’d become and was ready to talk about considering a 3rd.

    • Having another kid won’t necessarily increase your family’s environmental impact; in fact, you’ll probably have less time and money for 1) airplane travel; 2) a big house that uses lots of electricity and water; 3) all the clothes and STUFF that we are made to feel we need; 4) shuttling kids around to activities and using tons of gas. Your kids will get used to hand-me-downs, doing without, making choices based on conservation and scarcity, learning that people are more important than things, etc. This is not meant to be a blanket “people from small families are selfish” statement, just another perspective. You can raise your kids to be good stewards of our environment — and frankly, this country needs MORE people like that.

      • Anonymous :

        The environmental impact of a single human fat outweighs regular airplane trips, gas, etc. By many orders of magnitude. There are lots of charts online that compare this.
        With three you are also contributing to population growth in a way you are not with two.

      • Anonymous :

        The environmental impact of a single human far outweighs regular airplane trips, gas, etc. By many orders of magnitude. There are lots of charts online that compare this.
        With three you are also contributing to population growth in a way you are not with two.

    • The friends I know with three kids look dazed and overwhelmed every time I see them. Their kids have become little terrors and it’s unpleasant to be around them for more than an hour. I like kids and grew up in a big family but I think the reality is sometimes very different from the fantasy.

    • You said “Talk you out of a third” versus “Talk you into a third” It’s obvious where your preference lies. Love is illogical. If you feel you have that love inside you for a third you shoudl do it.

  6. Anonymous :

    How do you deal with a manager who flat-out refuses to manage? The head of our division doesn’t like being a manager and is terrible at it, and lashes out at me whenever I ask him to do even the tiniest thing that is his job. Example: I asked him to fix the permissions in a system he administers because a particular person had accidentally been granted improper access to certain areas of the system. His response: “Deal with the issue like a professional, stop squabbling, and don’t come running to me with stuff like this.” WTF, just fix the security issue you created! Nobody was squabbling, and talking with this person isn’t going to do any good because he can’t fix his own permissions. Communication issues like this tend to occur primarily over e-mail, but I can’t just deal with him in person because he is almost never physically present in the office. I am at a total loss here.

    • BeenThatGuy :

      He sounds like real jerk; sorry you have to deal with this.

      My only advice would be to send an email stating, “I cannot fix this. You are the program administrator. If you would like to assign me as the program administrator, I’d be happy to resolve the issue. I’ll await your response.”

    • You look for a new job. No such thing as a good job with a terrible manager.

    • I’m hoping you get more responses because this is my boss exactly, down to never being in the office in the first instance.

    • S in Chicago :

      Try to identify communication style. My former boss like this would listen more if you started with a joke or talked something non-work when you got the rare face to face. In email, I would keep everything super short and use bullets with any requests very clear at the start. In this instance, I’d ask him to change permissions and give super simple directions on how.Wait a few days and go to IT and ask–so hopefully someone there chases him, too. Treat most decisions like you would approach a child, either a or b; silence is met with you doing the decision then as often as you can get away with or diverting to someone else to try to get a decision. Don’t waste time commiserating with coworkers or trying to get the powers that be to see. You’ll only risk your own energy and reputation over him. Just get out. An OK boss isn’t even the best for your career–you need someone who is a go-getter and can lift you with example and inspiration. Also, a good boss plays an important role in advocating for resources and opportunities that you’ll otherwise miss (best projects, external education, award applications). Most important, a rotten boss like this isn’t just holding you back from the ideal but actually eats against it for your long-term career success. He will normalize extremely poor behavior and gradually chink away at your drive. At the most practical level, when you need someone as a reference he’ll be absent (and probably wouldn’t know detail enough to be effective anyway) or if your network bumps against him it will be negative (or at the least not of benefit). You don’t want someone else’s reputation bringing you down. Get out. The answer isn’t how to make the current situation work better; it’s how to find a better one quickly.

      • Minnie Beebe :

        S in Chicago nailed it: “Most important, a rotten boss like this isn’t just holding you back from the ideal but actually eats against it for your long-term career success. He will normalize extremely poor behavior and gradually chink away at your drive.”

        I’ve been working for someone like this for years, and it’s destroyed me. Shame on me for putting up with it for as long as I did– at first it wasn’t too awful, since I was one of 23 (?) direct reports, and I had complete autonomy. But a couple of years ago, we restructured, and I became one of only 3 direct reports and I had a new role. I got essentially NO support from my manager (but naturally was accountable for everything, and therefore to blame for the myriad problems which arose.)

        I’m finally getting out, transferring to a new department. It’s a lateral move, but is the best I could do right now. I’m just trying to get my mojo back after years of gaslighting. It’s a struggle, to be sure.

        TL/DR: Do what you can to get out. Now!

  7. Anyone want to help me plan a few days outdoorsy/laid back/spa type vacation in California ( within a few hours of San Francisco) for mid October? I was thinking Yosemite but looks like forest fires will still be s concern st that time… few hours travel could be driving or flying. Also not interested in wine country. Thanks for any suggestions!

    • Lassen Volcanic National Park is amazing, and about 4 hours from SF. Stay in a bed and breakfast nearby with a hot tub if you want a bit of a spa experience.

      • Any specific Lassen recommendations for things to do? I’m going there in two weeks!

        • We did a bunch of the day hikes in the southwest part of the park, including the Lassen peak hike. Loved them all. There is snow on the ground, even at this time of year, but the weather should be warm. So pack appropriate footwear.

          We didn’t do any of the geyser hikes but I wish we had!

          We stuck to hiking but they have various events throughout the year, including an art and wine festival on September 16, according to this page: https://www.nps.gov/lavo/planyourvisit/special-events.htm

        • We did a bunch of the day hikes in the southwest part of the park, including the Lassen peak hike. Loved them all. There is snow on the ground, even at this time of year, but the weather should be warm. So pack appropriate footwear.

          We didn’t do any of the geyser hikes but I wish we had!

          We stuck to hiking but they have various events throughout the year, including an art and wine festival on September 16, according to their website.

        • Anonymous :

          I like Bump Ass Hell in Lassen

    • Anonymous :

      Unfortunately for you, wine country = wine + spa, so there aren’t many huge, luxury spas outside of wine country once you get off the beaten path. Even if you aren’t there for the wine, Napa + Sonoma have some excellent state parks nearby that are definitely worth an afternoon.

      I would look to the Mendocino coast. There might be one or two very small spas in Fort Bragg? The area around Fort Bragg is beautiful! Easy hikes and wonderful seascapes. For similar but closer, Tomales Bay is an option.

      If you are looking for fall colors, Tahoe is another option. I’ve never been there in the fall but I do enjoy going up there in the summer.

      Monterey is less nature-y (but it does have Point Lobos State Park and lots of beach) but I am willing to bet $100 that Carmel has a really good spa in town.

      • Lorelai Gilmore :

        Go to Carmel. Hit up Refuge for the spa experience, hike in Point Lobos for the nature experience, or hike out to the beach at Andrew Molera State Park. Perfect.

    • Weekend warrior :

      Big Sur, but check on the road conditions first. I think the main route in from SF might still be closed.

    • I think there is a glamping place to stay in a yurt somewhere north of big sur. Can’t remember the name and don’t have personal experience. I would choose that over Lassen.

      Keep in mind that mid October could be rainy.

    • Due in December :

      Since you are open to flying, I would do Joshua Tree for sure. Fly into Palm Springs if you can find decent flights and rent a car.

    • I love the coast between SF and Santa Cruz. If I were you I’d rent a house somewhere on the rural side of things (ideally near Pescadero), pack some wine and bread and cheese and just chill.

    • Anonymous :

      Nicks Cove on Tomales bay.

      Mendocino.

  8. Recs for shirt for hiking in hot weather? :

    I’m looking for a shirt for hiking in hot weather (100% cotton is fine, I’m not worried about getting cold if it gets sweaty).

    Ideally, the shirt would have long or 3/4 length sleeves for coverage from sun and would look good with black leggings (i.e., not a button-up hiking shirt type thing, more of a workout/yoga look). Bonus points if it is fairly long and hangs away from the body so I am not wearing form fitting clothes top to bottom.

    Thanks in advance!

    • Anonymous :

      Lands end has some longer workout shirts with long sleeves. And so does Athleta.

    • Anon in NYC :

      Have you checked REI?

    • Talk to a runner friend or go to Goodwill. Tech-fabric t-shirts are becoming the norm for race t-shirts and anyone who runs is likely to have more than they know what to do with. 100% chance of finding what you’re looking for at any neighborhood Goodwill.

    • Anonymous :

      I have something ancient similar to your description that is a lightweight Patagonia capilene top. I sized up so it’s looser.

    • Anonymous :

      Check out shirts made for horseback riding called “sun shirts”. I like the ones from the brand “tailored sportsman”. Long sleeve and high neck for sun protection but light soft material and mesh under the arms. I size up for a looser fit

  9. Any suggestions for how to convince your parents to finally put together a will?

    My parents are now coming up on 70 and shockingly they have never had a will. They have a number of animals (dogs, cat, horses, chickens, goats) and other assets (the farm) that would have to be rehomed or sold. None of us live nearby so this would be a non-trivial undertaking. Dementia runs in my mom’s family and I suspect traces given recent changes in her personality. My dad had cancer last year and also has ongoing heart issues. My mom had two major surgeries last year. Both parents ride and have been injured by their horses in the past. (My mom actually broke her back after getting thrown from a horse a few years ago, though she has now recovered.)

    My siblings and I sort of get along, but there has always been an undercurrent of competition (encouraged by my parents). If something happens and we have to deal with my parents’ affairs unguided, I think the negotiation would likely be the end of our relationships. We just don’t communicate or compromise well. It’s better if we keep things light. My parents know this and I’ve explained this to my mother.

    Given all of this, I don’t think it’s crazy to expect my parents to put together a will. My mother keeps telling me that she doesn’t have time. (She doesn’t work–her chief occupations are caring for her animals and riding.) My father is useless at this type of thing. I think my mother is convinced that a will means telling a lawyer who gets *every*single*item* in their house, of which there are millions. I think she finds this concept overwhelming. I’ve told her that we just need broad guidelines for how to handle things (i.e., who is executor, what should we do with the animals, how do you want things divided, what accounts/policies exist) but I’m not sure she believes me. I’ve been bugging her about a will for two years now, to no effect. I don’t really care what the will says. I just want to know what they want done so I don’t have to fight about it with my siblings. Any ideas for how to get her moving on this?

    • A few ideas.

      First, find an elder care/estate lawyer so they don’t have to go looking for one.

      Is there an older relative that they are close to/listen to that might be able to encourage them to do this? Sometimes it is more effective than coming from the kids.

      Is there an example from your extended family where things were not managed well, and there were problems or fall out? This can be brought up and discussed.

      Can you say you are doing your own will/POA and would like to talk with them about what YOU want if something happens? And then transition to talking about setting up theirs? You start with the POA/medical POA, which are totally appropriate using the recent medical issues as reasons for why they are needed. You can even make an appointment with a lawyer together.

      And then sometimes, you bring the whole family together, you sit down together, and talk like adults. Calmly. While everyone is healthy, and still cognitively intact. So all siblings need to be on the same page.

      This is very hard for a lot of families. In our family, the will was never done, and the first parent died. It was not a total disaster, as in most states most goes to the spouse in this scenario, but was pricier and a bit more complicated because of no will. Anyway, then the surviving parent finally appreciated why a will was useful, and that was our window (soon after first parent died) to push the surviving parent to get organized and make a will and put beneficiaries on all accounts. It was a painful, painful, painful and loaded process though.

      It is very important to start gathering financial information, and it can be complicated. If a parent has been married before, sometimes “mistakes” exist where old retirement accounts have the first wife as beneficiary and were never updated. In some states if parents dies without a will, everything goes to surviving spouse, while in others, non-retirement assets are split between spouse and kids. So you could find out what happens in your state. For my sibs and I, we were all on the same page. In my situation, when first parent died, we had already agreed that all monies went to surviving parent, regardless of our state law. Made things easier.

      • Very helpful. I struggle because my parents have actually watched this play out in a terrible fashion with two recent deaths. First, my uncle (my mother’s brother) died without a will. His first wife ended up with everything because he had been unwilling to face his own mortality and draft a will. His kids ended up with nothing that they were supposed to get including the photos of their childhood, portraits that my uncle had painted of them and their mother, or his family-heirloom musical instruments (his kids were talented musicians like him; his second wife had no interest in music). Then a year later my other uncle (my mother’s brother in law) died without a will. He had not only failed to put together a will, he failed to communicate any details about his accounts or insurance policies to his surviving spouse during his 2 years of treatment for cancer. My aunt almost ended up homeless when her accounts were frozen after his death. It was a giant mess that still isn’t sorted. None of this has provided her any motivation. If anything, it seems to solidify her impression that people ask you to draw up a will when you’re going to die.

        • That should say *second* wife ended up with everything…

        • It’s so important to not just have people you love make a will, but write down the where they have accounts. We are dealing with a situation where my FIL – who has been dead for over 15 years, and who died without a will – had a retirement account we had no documentation for whatsoever. The account administration company tracked us down through the courts in the state where he died. When he didn’t start withdrawing benefits at age 72 they looked up his death record, and then got ahold of us. We’re going to have to go through who-knows-how-many hoops and headaches to resolve this – most likely we’ll have to reopen his estate, which has been closed since 2002 – which my husband (as the executor of the estate and sole heir) is legally obligated to do.

          Please, folks, make a list of where all your financial accounts are – you don’t need to put down account numbers, just what institutions hold the accounts – and put it in a safe place. I don’t care if you are 24 years old, please do this. We also found out through this process that despite our exhaustive efforts to research all of his accounts and property, my late FIL had assets go to Unclaimed Property in his state and we now have to go through the process to try to claim that. It’s a huge, huge pain in the you-know-what.

    • Flats Only :

      Guilt? Don’t you want to let us know what to do with Trigger?

      Hatred of Government? Do you want the state to take all the money?

      Since you don’t care what the will says, you could just let it rest. Don’t “negotiate” with your siblings if doing so will ruin your relationships with them – just let them have what they want after the state and the tax man are done.

      Also, maybe they think that since you keep asking you DO care what’s in the will, and will judge them for it. Thus the stalling.

      • As the sole lawyer in the family, I’ll be judged as selfish if I try to stay out of it by my own accord. I either need direction from my parents that I have the authority to handle their affairs or they need to tell another one of my siblings that they’re in charge so I can stay out of it. Some version of me being expected to advise my siblings while they do the exact opposite of what I suggest because of childhood grudges is my nightmare.

        I have no doubt I can handle the legal issues. I struggle with the family politics.

        • I finally got my mom to make a will by telling her I would pay for it myself (she had the money but did not want to spend it on something like that which she considered of no benefit to herself.) She chose the lawyer and finally did a simple will. (She may have actually paid for it — I don’ remember). It is a simple will and no family issues that made it difficult. I just did not want to deal with an intestate estate, which I did when my dad died.

          My twin sister died earlier this summer, after a long battle with cancer. She waited until almost the very end to get her will done. I think her delay was due partly to (1) thinking it meant she was giving up and (2) trying to decide who got what personal items or what she should give close friends.

          In dealing with people who have terminal illnesses, these two concerns seem to be uppermost. I have had clients with terminal illnesses who came to see me but could never get around to finalizing the will. It always creates more of a headache and expense for the heirs.

          I find it helps (it did with my sister and some other clients) is to send a “form,” a very simple will with blanks, which makes it much easier for them to focus on what is really an issue: the executor, who gets personal items, how pets are handled (a really big issue for my sister — I have both cats brought across country), any specific item bequests to friends (one friend never liked any gift she ever got her — I suggested a provision that this friend could choose any personal item in the house), and the residuary. (Of course, a lawyer in her state actually did the will for her, but having a form I think finally got her to get it done.) This type of form makes it seem a lot less of a monumental undertaking.

          Good luck; especially with family politics, it is not easy.

          • Great idea about the form. I take it you are an… estate lawyer? Is this a form you use, or something you made up for each client?

            Would love to use something like this.

          • I am really a litigator, not an estate lawyer, but over my 35 plus year career, I have done enough fairly simple wills (never for anyone with a huge estate who would have had tax issues to be concerned with) that I have common provisions: (1) appointment of executor; (2) specific bequests; (3) residuary, (4) guardians if minor children involved, (5) trusts — naming of trustee, when trust assets are distributed — staggered ages or lump sum, (6) how to handle life estates, etc.

            People, especially those who are ill, seem to think a will is just more than they can tackle. When they see the basic provisions and alternatives laid out with blanks in a simple format, they are able to focus and realize it is not really all that hard to do.

    • A little bitter :

      You don’t (convince them). Tell them if they do not have a will everything they have (animals, farm, personal possessions) will probably be sold at auction to the highest bidder, the animals with no market value put down, and whatever is left after the expense of the auction and court-appointed executor will be distributed among their children. Point out that if they both get killed in an auto accident, nobody is going to have authority to take care of the property/animals until the court intervenes. Ask them who is going to care for the animals pending sale because you and your siblings cannot afford to pay for their food and care out of your own pockets with no guarantee of reimbursement (put this gently).

      If you raise those issues and they still won’t listen, then start reconciling yourself to the inevitable issues and start disengaging from any emotional attachments to the outcome. Figure out what the process is for probate in their county and wait.

      This might sound bitter (and it is a little) but I was in your shoes with a grandparent and the only thing that kept it from being really bad was that the uncle who would have caused the problems was diagnosed with a fatal disease right before his mother/my grandmother died. It was still a massive headache and cost thousands of dollars out of the estate unnecessarily. But you cannot make people do things they simply refuse to do and continuing to bug her will only make her angry and will probably not help.

    • I’m in the same boat! My parents are in their mid-70s. Dad has always been the financial gatekeeper and his health is declining. I’ve brought up the idea of the will/living trust multiple times and Dad has acknowledged the need for one. Last time I mentioned the will, he said found a lawyer. Unfortunately, this was 3 years ago and there hasn’t been any progress.

      My mom isn’t helpful because my parents have a terribly dysfunctional marriage. She agrees with me and my sibling that a will/living trust needs to be set up asap. Unfortunately, my dad is not someone you can force, cajole, convince, bribe, guilt into doing something.

      So basically…My post is really just a commiseration with you. My parents have several assets and my Dad’s filing and organization system is very sloppy. My sibling and I get along so I’m not worried about that but I imagine it’ll be a complete cluster F when my dad passes since none of us (mom, me, sibling) have a complete picture of what’s going on with the finances/assets. =(

    • I have no help. My MIL raised my husband since he was five but never adopted him. Her daughter hasn’t talked to her in 20 years. During a will discussion I reminded her that DH is not really her son so all her property will go to her estranged daughter. She yelled at me that it was the meanest thing she ever heard. So . ..

    • Anonymous :

      You may want to start small. First ask your mom or dad to first put together a list of their bank accounts, credit card accounts, 401k/pension accounts, insurance policies, etc. It could even be hand written. Then you and your siblings hold on to it so if something happens, you at least know what you are working with. If they are resistant to that, you can always look through their bills and papers when you are visiting and write things down yourself. You can also help them organize all those papers into one folder in a specific draw, for example, so your you and your siblings could locate it if something happens.

      Second, ask them to fill out a health care proxy. Many states have do it yourself forms online. When you visit, you could actually fill it out for them (after discussing with them first) and then just have them sign it in front of witnesses (who could be anyone, including your siblings, as long they are not named in the health care proxy).

      Third, if you are worried about your mother having dementia, ask her to sign a power of attorney. Again, I think this is something you could draft yourself. You would just need her to sign and have someone witness.

      If you can get these things, then keep working on them with the will. But if you can’t get a will and you have the foregoing items, at least that will help some.

  10. Looking trashier :

    I am a very modest dresser and have a bony upper body. I want to look a bit trashier (not quite the right word) for an upcoming date and can’t quite pull it off.

    I am thinking that this isn’t something that a Nordstrom shopper could help with. And I’m a bit old for F21.

    The old easy trick of just going bra-less isn’t an option — the girls need some lift.

    HELP

    • I would pick one thing to highlight. Like you, I have a bony upper body, so low cut doesn’t really look….. good.
      But my arms/shoulders/neck are nice. So sometimes an off the shoulder or bare shoulders can be nice and it seems like a lot of skin. But then keep the bottoms simple. But they can be snug skinny jeans.

      Alternatively, I wear something more conservative on top or a shift dress, with a pretty short skirt and great looking legs with heels that go on for miles.

      • Anonymous :

        Identifying your best attributes and highlighting them is the way to go. If you try to wear something that isn’t flattering to your body type you won’t achieve the look you’ll want, and you will look like you’re trying too hard or are out of touch with fashion. Short skirts and off-the-shoulder or halter looks are a good place to start. I am flat-chested with relatively toned shoulders and legs, and my most flattering date-night dress doesn’t fit too closely but isn’t big and floppy either, with a halter neckline and a short hem.

        If you want more voluminous hair, try a spray-in volumizer and blow-dry with a round brush. A blowout shouldn’t necessarily be “flat.”

    • Definitely not Nordstrom, or sheath dress + blazer (always suggested on this s*te, but not right for this.) Some ideas: compensate with makeup (bright lipstick or smokey eyes), try tighter (esp. in a darker color), try bigger jewelry. Off the shoulder is everywhere and might actually work with your body type. another option is tight jeans + booties with a heel (or heels) + a looser top. or a short skirt with flats (tights if you want them but it’s kinda early). H&M and Zara could be good bets for tops or dresses. avoid loft, brooks brothers, nordstrom, probably banana.

      • +1. I’m the same way and I’ve sort of given up on the idea of so-called sexy clothing. If I feel ridiculous, or even just mildly uncomfortable, it’s going to show and that’s the opposite of sexy. I would focus on finding a cute, trendy top that feels more special than something you’d wear every day. I agree with chic’s suggestion about focusing on another body part. I hate showing my chest, but I feel 100% myself when I show off shoulders, or collarbone, or even my upper back. Then focus on hair, makeup or accessories.

    • You could do tight on the top but not flash a lot of skin (i think that’s why you’re mentioning bony? Wear a tight scoop neck tee/top, maybe showing a bit of lacy bra at the neckline, or if you don’t want to go that far, just tight will work. Buy a size or two smaller than you otherwise would.

      Don’t spend a lot of money on the trashy look until you know you’re comfortable with it. I’d personally spend more money on a really sexy bra than in the top to wear over it.

    • Looking trashier :

      Keep these ideas coming!

      I am so buttoned-down that not having an identifiable part in my hair = WHOA look out (but so subtly coded as to generally go unnoticed). And my hair is so fine and flat that my bedhead looks flatter than most people’s blowouts.

      • Do you have great legs? A tight tee shirt and a miniskirt would more than work for most guys. (I’m making a hetero assumption here, correct me if I’m wrong)

      • have you tried Bumble + Bumble pret-a-powder? It really helped my hair! also, less washing and fewer products (at odds with the powder, I know).

        try wearing lipstick around your house to get used to how you look in it.

        try shoes in a bright color (babysteps)

        do not wear a blazer or any pants that could be called “slacks” by anyone.

        fun earrings are cheap and can make your look more fun or s*xy — I like the tassel ones that are everywhere. I got a great pair at old navy for like $6.

        maybe part of your problem is fashion right now is either trashy s*xy or sort of androgynous (like an everlane to the Olson twins look?)

      • Goodness, lady. Just wear a mini-skirt and a sexy shirt. Or a short dress. Wear what makes you *feel* good and bold. Like you, I wear professional clothes to work, and don’t even prefer wearing sleeveless at the office, but when I am going out, I am so happy to wear my party clothes. Think NYC/Euro clubwear. Oh, yes. That’s a good time.

        For a non-expensive outfit, go to H&M or Express.

        Who cares that your upper body is “bony”? It’s your body. Wear what you want to and what feel comfortable to you.

      • backless deep backless
        deep vee in front
        lacey bralette under a loose top that shows when you move

      • What about “leather” leggings, booties, bralette, and top with an open back? Or leather leggings and a crop top? Maybe a cute blouse and tight jeans or shorty shorts and wedges or sandals? http://www.hm.com/us/product/76404?article=76404-C

        Don’t underestimate the power of slightly messy hair, soft brown eyeliner (top lid only), and a glossy, sheer lip. (Red might make someone think twice about messing it up. Glossy is sultry).

    • At first I was thinking you meant looking more overtly sexy? But the bra-less thing lead me back to your trashy comment.

      What’s the context? Is this for a party? A “stay-in” date? What is your budget?

      Right now I’m considering everything from this:

      https://www.dollskill.com/rave-club-exx-dancefloor-lamour-strappy-hot-shorts.html

      to this:

      https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/herve_leger/crimson_sunset_sheath

      • Looking trashier :

        :) I never did the bra-less thing, but a friend swore it was how she spiced up outfits (the key: it had to be obvious to others somehow) without wearing an otherwise trashy outfit. In theory, I like it b/c it’s a very Marie Kondo like solution.

        But I feel like my girls disappear into my armpits without some sort of lift and shaping.

        I think I can do leggy-with-short-skirt. I assume with some sort of open-toe pretty sandal?

        • Depends on the temp and where you are going. In the summe,r yearh, some sort of high strappy sandal. Heading into fall, I’d lean more towards something like this, if you are really trying to up the sexy factor.

          https://www.tidebuy.com/product/Studded-Pointed-Toe-Stiletto-Heel-Booties-11617097.html?c=USD&tb_from=paid_adwords_shopping&adword_mt=&adword_ct=101682690014&adword_kw=&adword_pos=1o3&adword_pl=&adword_net=g&adword_tar=&adw_id=7283679273_633965493_30626241974_pla-61161637960&gclid=Cj0KCQjwiqTNBRDVARIsAGsd9Mptg5eZsD4TsIYOMtCCyteR4TnUjAGByABaAldZMxqcj7eRAXgMIz4aAnzYEALw_wcB

    • Not trashy, but sexy/edgy?? I’m 34 and when I want to look more sexy/edgy for a date, I tend to go to nice department stores and buy certain brands in the contemporary section–Alice & Olivia, Maje, etc. I tend to look at Bloomingdales, Cusp (Neiman Marcus), Saks, Intermix, etc for those (few but important) outfits. I think Nordstroms could do it too! I feel like I’m too old to wear a sexy cut in a cheap material- it’s too much like college!

      • Anonymous :

        If you want a more contemporary look, try Anthropologie. Some of their stuff is too ’90s or otherwise way out there, but if you look through everything you can usually find a cute and unique top or dress.

        • Looking trashier :

          For some reason, Anthro seems very Stuff to Wear on Girls’ Weekend (or that’s how it looks on me)

          I think I’m looking for a grown-up version of Bebe? Or a cross b/w Bebe and . . . St. John (or would that be DVF?).

          Gaaaahhh

          I know: easier just to cook dinner for him but I want to get a nice relaxing dinner before it’s showtime

          • Go on the intermix website and get inspired. They have so many looks right now that are hot and sophisticated.

      • Anonymous :

        As you get older it’s more about having the right amount of edginess in the overall silhouette of the outfit than about how much skin you show. Department stores aren’t great for this type of thing. Are there any small independently owned boutiques in your area?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      OH I think I know the answer: dress or top with an open back and a visible bralette.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        http://fashiontasty.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Black-Bralette.jpg

        https://americaneagleoutfitters.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/skirt-the-rules-aerie-bralette-1.jpg?w=672&h=1008

        https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/b0/6f/60/b06f60bc869d57547390e277f0426064.jpg

        • pugsnbourbon :

          Yes – I was thinking one of those cage bras with lots of straps in the front.

          Or something with cutouts? Love the idea of a black, long-sleeve shirt with a cutout either below the bra line or at the sides.

          • pugsnbourbon :

            Returned to say that I realized my sister’s bachelore++e party is this weekend and ordered a backless tank and strapped bra to wear out bar-hopping.

      • KateMiddletown :

        +1 this is exactly what i was thinking. I wish i could wear bralettes and the fun strappy back things right now. I’m also a huge fan of the high-neck sleeveless look that’s very in right now.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I’d do all black, well-fitted, and bold makeup with a pair of brightly colored pumps. I am built similarly.

    • Anonymous :

      Sleeveless high neck top or dress with a short skirt. Heels. Put some bronzer or highlighter on your legs and shoulders. Bold lip.

    • I would wear a v-neck sleeveless top or do the open back + bralette option mentioned above. Trust me, don’t take it from 0 to 100 or you will feel as ridiculous as I do when I try it! I also dress modestly and feel like a little girl playing dress-up when I try to look sexy.

  11. Anonymous :

    What would make a better under-the-plane-seat bag: the cuyana zippered tote or the L&S OMG? I have a few international plane trips coming up and in addition to carrying one big checked bag I liked to have a nice looking and sturdy under the seat bag that can double as a commuting bag in my real life.

    • I might be the only person in the universe, but I really, really did not like the OMG when I saw it. I thought the opening was too small/narrow/awkward and I thought the bag was too structured (no smush/give to the shape at all, which could be particularly problematic going under a seat).

      • Same here. I ordered and returned it. It just took up too much room compared to the volume it holds. I went with a kate spade nylon bag instead.

      • BabyAssociate :

        Really, really did not like it. It screamed DIAPER BAG to me.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Once at a meeting a woman came in and I was like “it’s weird that she brought her gym bag in here.” Then I noticed it was the OMG.

      • I have and hate the OMG and have and love the Cuyana zip tote. It’s perfect for travel, and you might end up with it as your everyday bag.

    • I say this all the time–check out the Victorinox Divine. Yes, it’s square, but it fits so well under the seat and has a million helpful pockets and I use it (much of the time) as my daily commuter. And it fits legal-sized redwells and big laptops. It’s great.

      If you want something more polished/fancy (and heavier) Cuyana. But if you’re OK with nylon, try the Divine. it goes on sale on eBags on the regular.

      • I’ve somehow missed your previous posts about it. The Divine does look fantastic. I love that it has a full zipper and lots of pockets!

    • Anonymous :

      Love my black Cuyana zippered tote for traveling. I’ve used it on every single flight I’ve take (work and play) for the past 2 years and it hasn’t shown any wear. I’ve taken it on a 12 day international trip last year and a number of shorter weekend and work trips (probably 60 flights total). I know the L&S OMG is beloved, but I’ve just never loved the nylon look for work trips (though that’s totally personal preference).

      • I also don’t love nylon bags. I got the OMG when it first came out and ended up giving it to goodwill.

        Thanks for the rec on the cuyana. I am thisclose to ordering it.

  12. We recently (within the past few weeks) decided to TTC. My husband is a bit of a worrier, and asked last night if we could put efforts on hold until I get an all-clear, no undue concerns thumbs up from my dr (even though i said i’m certain no issues – eg No know genetic issues in my family history).

    I agreed bc i have an appt next Friday so i figured what’s one week. And i stopped the pill when we decided to TTC so who even knows when i’d ovulate?

    Except both OPKs told me today that my LH is surging.

    Ahhhhh. I’m trying hard to remind myself that letting this one opportunity pass is not a huge deal (and frankly i’m just happy i’m ovulating so quickly!) but i’m a little bummed not to be able to try and make it happen this time.

    • Get him drunk and convince him ?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      There’s no guarantee you’d conceive if you did it this time — it’s just practice! :)

      (Also though is he getting genetic testing or just you? I didn’t do it so I don’t know how it works.)

      • He isn’t – he talked to his dr to see if there was any genetic testing he needed. Based on his responses, his dr said no but that i should also talk to my dr and confirm same for me. Based on my knowledge of my family history and my years of gyn appts, i’m 99% confident that the answer will also be no. However, i’m trying to be understanding of the fact that while he is really excited, he’s also a little anxious, and me having this conversation and waiting a bit is NBD in the grand scheme.

        • Anonymous :

          You should be aware that there is a good chance that your test will come back positive for some likely very rare diseases that are carried by regressive (I think that’s the word) genes. Once I was already pregnant, my husband and I both got tested and we both had positive results for a few very uncommon diseases but, as expected, nothing that matched.

          • Other Anon :

            Recessive, not regressive. But it sounds like TTC isn’t having testing done – just checking with the doctor to see if testing would be warranted based on family history.

  13. Unless my doctor thinks i need testing for something, i’m not getting testing. He literally just needs the reassurance that my doctor listened to me describe my personal and family history and, based on that, determined that there are no high risks.

  14. Student Loans Gone! :

    I paid off my student loans today!!!!

  15. Rant ahead! So given the long weekend I decided to bring cookies to the office yesterday to boost morale. I brought my famous double chocolate walnut cookies. The whole batch (40 ish cookies) were eaten within 10 minutes by my 12 coworkers. A few asked for the recipe so I happily wrote it out and photo copied it. Upon realizing it was vegan ‘oh I knew they tasted funny’. No *Sandra* they didn’t taste funny, you ate 5 cookies. Also why would they think the cookies weren’t​ vegan? Why would I bake cookies I couldn’t eat myself. Rawr

  16. One Month Shopping Ban :

    Not sure how many will see this over the long weekend, but here goes anyway.

    The way I’ve set up my budget, I have a certain amount of money each month for kind of miscellaneous, fun stuff – getting my hair done, clothes, etc. I’m a member of several organizations with dues all due this month which leaves me with basically nothing for anything else. So I’m trying to self-impose a month-long shopping ban. I’m trying to make this so it feels like kind of a fun challenge as opposed to a chore. Anyone have any tips?

    • Unsubscribe from all the retail emails you get. Play dress up in your closet and make new outfits. Maybe buy 1 or 2 inexpensive accessories – a scarf or great necklace – to freshen things up. Get things drycleaned so everything feels fresh while you make outfits this month. Remind yourself that nobody notices when you wear the same thing 2x in a month.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I did this in May. I decided I wasn’t going to buy anything I couldn’t function without (so, I bought some workout clothes because I had none and needed them). Otherwise, I just didn’t shop for clothes. I’m doing the same for September. If something like a chart where you star every day you don’t shop works for you, do that. Or, just pull cash and take what you think you’ll need each day- if you think you’ll have an emergency, bring a low-limit credit card, but make a rule that it’s ONLY for emergencies.

    • Anonymous :

      Download a clothing organizing app like Stylebook. Once your clothes are organized and catalogued you will see how much you really do have and that you don’t really need to shop so much as make outfits out of existing clothes.

  17. First Year Attorney :

    What shoes do you wear with suits/business formal in the winter? For context, I’m an attorney in Chicago. Most days I go straight to court in the mornings, which involves walking 2 blocks from my apartment to the bus, and then walking about 10 feet from the bus to the el (underground). For days when I don’t have court until mid-morning, I usually go to the office first, and then take an uber to court (my office is ~.5 miles from the court house).

    • First Year Attorney :

      Also I should add, I pretty much exclusively wear dresses (with a jacket) to court

    • Mineallmine :

      Plain leather ankle boots or booties that preferably match your tights if you’re wearing a skirt suit. As unobtrusive as possible – no fringe or embellishment, and close fitting to the ankle so they are sleeker than wide-topped ankle boots (which I like with other outfits). I also have some lace up heels (shooties?) with rubbber soles that work well. I would even wear some relatively non-chunky wingtips type shoe. For me, it’s all about being able to walk safely in bad weather, and I think as long as your shoes are unobtrusive and plain leather, they should be fine.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      In that situation I always wore knee high black boots – neither super s*xy nor super casual, just kind of plain. I prefer wearing skirts/dresses on days like that because there’s no chance of wet hems.

  18. First Year Attorney :

    Second Question: is there a trick to wearing waist belts with dresses? Maybe I need smaller belts because the ones I have (which I think are all size XS) are all too long so the end kind of flops around, if that makes any sense.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Belts aren’t meant for waists, they’re meant for hips. So, they’re all probably going to be too long unless you buy ones that are particularly meant to cinch a dress.

      Notch the belt as tight as comfortable so that it doesn’t droop down. Tuck the tail of the belt up and under the belt. You’ll now have a loop. Pull the end of the belt through that loop and cinch it so that it’s secure. It’ll still be longer, but looks intentional rather than bizarre. And the loop really, really shortens the length of how much belt is left.

      There are also other methods to make it look cute, but that’s the one I use.

    • I have some floppy belts so I buy fashion tape (any double stick tape will do but fashion tape I find easier to get the little paper tabs off), and stick the floppy end to the rest of the belt.

    • Belts that have elastic and a clasp rather than a regular buckle work better with dresses for me (and also are more comfortable.) anthropologie usually has a few varieties.

  19. Cleveland? :

    Going anon for this…

    I just threw my resume in the mix for a highly desirable position within my industry in Cleveland. While this is early, I think I have a really good chance of getting the position. So I want to get some insight into the city.

    I would be working downtown. I have lived in multiple cities and states over the years in the NE and SE. Do any of you ‘rettes have the skinny on Cleveland? I am single, mid 30s. Where are the desirable areas to live? For context, my office would be near the Q. I am thinking a 2+ bedroom apt or townhome to rent. Anything I should know about beforehand?

  20. This dress is so simple, but I have a feeling it would look so good on! It’s sold out now but hopefully, Nordstrom will add it back later.

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