Thursday’s Workwear Report: Lace Blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’ve gone back and forth on the propriety of lace for the office — and you should know your office well before you wear this one. This looks really lovely, though — I particularly like the white, but it also comes in pale pink and black. I like the eyelash border and that it’s a pullover style and doesn’t have any zippers, so it’s really almost a fancy tee. It’s machine wash cold, which is also good. It was $89 and is now on sale for $53 at Nordstrom. (This blouse has a slightly different lace pattern and is full price.) Lace Blouse

Here’s a good discount on a much more basic white shell blouse that we’ve featured before.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous :

    Two judges dead so soon. Thoughts?

    Criminal court Judge Raymond Myle killed

    Sheila Abdus-Salaam, an associate judge on New York State’s highest court and the first African-American woman and Muslim woman found in Hudson river

    • It’s tragic in both cases. But I am not sure how they’re connected or that anyone thinks so. Different cities, different deaths, someone was arrested in the Chicago case already…

      It’s a loss in both instances though. I don’t know much about the Chicago judge but Judge Abdus-Salaam was a really great jurist. Her decisions will live on. It’s just a shame that she won’t be around to make more of them.

    • Anonymous :

      Saw the news of Salaam’s death on a news website. Wondered how that could have happened i.e. if she fell in and drowned? How else does someone end up in such a situation.If I was being sinister I would think she was pushed but by who and why? Very strange case and really sad for her family and friends.

    • Anonymous :

      I think it’s unkind to be speculating that a death they suspect was suicide is a conspiracy. Can’t we mourn instead of gossip?

      • Marshmallow :

        This. My social media is covered with people screaming conspiracy. Maybe I’m too trusting of the official explanation, but it appears to be a suicide. Let her family mourn.

    • Anonymous :

      Pure and utter coincidence. It sounds like Judge Myle was in the wrong place at the wrong time and there’s no indication there was foul play in Judge Abdus-Salaam’s death.

  2. Anonymous :

    Hi Ladies, I need some advice. I saw a job posted on Indeed.com that I think is my job. The job is posted with an outside search firm so the name of the company was not disclosed. But trust me, it sounds like my job, and I’m the only one at my company that does what I do. I won’t go into specifics, but the area it’s been posted (remote/obscure location with my company as the biggest employer in the area), the title of the position, the duties, all of it sounds like my job. I asked a friend who is in the same field to email the contact in the posting to see if she can find out the name of the company, but she hasn’t gotten any response. I’ve been in this job for 8 months and the company is pretty messed-up. I feel like I should just ask my boss about it, but my husband said I should’t let him know that I saw the posting on indeed.com because my boss will think I’m looking (which I sort of am because the company is a mess). I feel like I could just tell my boss that I get emails daily from indeed.com from when I was looking last year when he hired me; I don’t look at them every day, but I happened to look at one (what’s the big deal?) and saw this posting and it sure sounds like my job. Husband thinks I should say “a friend saw the posting and asked me about it….blah, blah, blah” but because the name of the company isn’t on the posting and the obscure locatoin, why would my friend ask me about it? I think I should just come clean and say I got an email and saw it….and what’s the deal? Thoughts? Thank you!

    • Anonymous :

      Could it be your imagination is on overdrive? If it is the same company, what if they were getting someone else but it’s an all new position. You could just wait for your friend to hear from the contact she emailed, that might make it clearer.

    • Anonymous :

      What do you hope to accomplish by asking? I can’t imagine asking, regardless of what the answer is, would make life at company that is already a mess any better for you.

      I think you should keep job searching and applying for other jobs. Also, keep in mind that sometimes recruiters post dummy jobs to get qualified candidates on their rosters.

      • Anonymous :

        What I would hope to accomplish is that my boss says “you’re doing a great job” and there’s no way that’s your job. He’s new to the company too, so he knows what a mess it is. If it was a new position, they would’ve told me because I’m the only one who does what I do at the company. Trust me, it’s not my imagination in overdrive. When your company is the largest employer in the remote area (other than local govt and a jr. college) also on the London Stock Exchange (the posting says that) and it’s the same job title as mine, same duties with a preference for the expertise I have…it’s my job!

        • Anonymous :

          I think you should assume that it is your job. If you ask, they could lie to you and you still wouldn’t know. It’s not worth it to ask. Start applying for new jobs asap.

        • Anonymous :

          And what do you say if he says “yes, it’s your job” or “no, it’s not your job” but you find in a month that it is in fact your job. They probably aren’t telling you because they are only planning to replace you if they find a better candidate who will work for less money. If they don’t get good candidates, they may keep you.

          No good comes of asking. Assume it is your job and up your search.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. No good comes of asking.

      • Yes, what response are you hoping to get? I would proceed as if it really was my job, and step up my applying efforts. If the job is already a mess, this is your kick in the @ss to get out of there.

        Look, in reality, it doesn’t matter if it’s yours. The fact that you actually think it could be, and don’t feel like you can ask your boss outright, is enough of a red flag. This isn’t a good fit for you or your company. Get out.

    • Anonymous :

      Am sorry, that sounds awful. If you ask and they are looking to replace you, then they might give you a fixed amount of time to finish what you are doing before asking you to resign and it will probably make going into work difficult. Alternatively, they could be looking for an additional person like you or the job posting could be old or it might not be for your company. But if you are looking to leave as it is, you might want to up your job search efforts so that you can leave on your terms. I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring it up affirmatively and you don’t need to “come clean” because you haven’t done anything wrong. You shouldn’t feel guilty about coming across the posting. You might want to try soliciting feedback about your work, if you want to know how you are perceived. Even if the posting is for your company, it might not be about you–maybe for example, they need someone cheaper than you and they are looking? Good luck.

    • I’ll be he voice of dissent and say ask your boss. I can think of a lot of reasons it might be out there from nothing to worry about (it’s a leftover from the search for you that didn’t get taken down everywhere) to a big deal (it is your job and they want to replace you). If it’s the worst case, you’re better off knowing and having that candid, direct conversation. It doesn’t mean you quit tomorrow, but maybe you negotiate your exit on your own time line. Or it’s nothing at all and you get to stop worrying. I also think people should know the market and would never think less of an employee for knowing what jobs in her field are active. I’d give zero explanation or apology for having seen the listing.

      • Anonymous :

        Scarlett, thank you. That’s was exactly my gut reaction since I saw the posting. My boss is very nice and approachable but is in another office in another state. He started at the company 6 weeks before I did, so he knows the kind of crap I’ve had to deal with. I feel I can be honest with him and say I saw this posting and it sure sounds like me job and see what he has to say. I would never “confront” him about it like a jerk, just ask him flat out like a grown-up.

      • I agree. I’ve found that when you have an overall sense that you’re dealing with reasonable people, that honesty and openness usually works out best, even if it makes for some uncomfortable conversations. My answer would be different if you thought your boss was a liar or a jerk.

    • Anonymous :

      If you want to hear that you are doing a good job, ask your boss for a review. Either it isn’t your job, and you look nuts for asking, or it is, and now you maybe have forced their hand. Think about the result you want (sounds like you want feedback) and ask for it without mentioning the indeed posting.

      • Agree with this. And it’s not just that you risk looking nuts for asking if it isn’t you–you create the impression you’re actively looking (no matter what “story” you give that’s what it looks like).If they didn’t realize you were looking before, they will now and thus you may create the very situation you are trying to avoid. That’s the risk. You just lost all trust. Truly, there’s no good from this but our own desire to put them on the spot. And I think anyone suggesting that if it is your position asking would trigger them to create a timeline around YOUR needs where they otherwise might not have is being just ridiculously naive. If you’re only 8 months in and they already want to replace you, it’s not like your “institutional” knowledge or rockstar performance would be any kind of a safety net for a gradual leave. And should they have an ad out there already, they’re already ahead of the game with some contenders waiting in the wings.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m on team Don’t Ask for a fairly cynical/practical reason. A friend was in a very similar situation and when she asked about the posting, they fessed up and told her she was being let go. Her last day was that day. If she hadn’t asked they probably wouldn’t have let her go until a new person had signed an offer, which might have taken a couple months. I would focus hard on job searching but not ask about the posting and hope that not asking about it buys you some time at your current employer.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. Employers don’t want a fired employee sticking around for safety/compliance reasons. If they admit it’s your job, you’ll almost certainly be let go immediately.

    • I’m so sorry. This happened to one of my good friends and it was indeed her job. She had been with the company for many years and was always trying to get her salary up, when she saw an internal job posting for exactly her job but for significantly more money. She applied for it!! But then she was told the posting was created to make a spot for someone who had left the company to come back.

      They did hire that person into the job, presumably at the higher posted salary, and then my friend had to train her, and then my friend was let go.

      Remember this next time someone posts that they feel bad for a corporation.

    • When I was job searching and I saw a post that didn’t have the company name, sometimes if I googled the job title with the state, industry, etc., it would come up under other career sites. I could usually find out who the company was. This may not work for this job, but it’s probably worth researching more, because unless you know for sure it’s your job, I would not ask.

  3. Anonymous :

    Follow-up to yesterday’s United discussion – food for thought.

    https://thepilotwifelife.wordpress.com/2017/04/11/i-know-youre-mad-at-united-but-thoughts-from-a-pilot-wife-about-flight-3411/

    • Anonymous :

      She can go straight to he11 in my opinion. Isn’t it nice to know exactly what you would do in a situation you have never been in? She sounds smug, entitled, a little bit racist, and her voice adds nothing to the conversation. There is no other side.

    • I’m a “pilot wife” too (hate that term) and agree with her post.

      I don’t understand what people think the ideal outcome here should have been. We’ve all been on flights where there were too many people and they needed volunteers. Usually people are rational and accept the $1000 voucher for a flight one hour later. If not, then they use an algorithm to decide who gets bumped. This isn’t unique to United or Chicago.

      If someone is refusing to get off a flight, for whatever reason, what is the next step? Asking nicely didn’t work. Involving the authorities and having THEM ask nicely didn’t work. What was the next step? Hold the entire plane hostage and create untold delays until he finally agrees? Offer a million dollars? Deboard everyone else and not let him on the next flight? Apparently he tried to reboard after being removed, so what if he rushed onto the next one? I get that it sucks to be bumped off a flight (usually that’s my pilot husband getting bumped, and that means he’s not making it home that night) but delaying a flight and disobeying flight crew is NOT the right answer.

      • Anonymous :

        The next step is they improve their offer. They were not offering a flight in an hour. They were offering $800 and a night in a hotel and not getting home until the next day. Try $1300 cash plus a seat on a competitor in first class before you call the police. Or a frequent flyer program status bump in addition. There are a lot more different offers they could have made to get a volunteer.

        The flight wasn’t oversold in that it was paying customers they were trying to accommodate. They were re- positioning staff. Instead of trying to haul people off a plane, once they realized they had loaded a full plane of people, they should have bought tickets for the staff on another flight if no one would take a decent offer like $1300 cash plus same day first class on competitor.

        People will react totally differently when there is literally not a seat on the plane and they are inside the airport vs. when they are sitting in an actual seat on the plane and they are told that someone else gets their seat instead and they have to stay in that city for another day.

        Disobeying or disagreeing with the flight crew on a health and safety matter is totally different from a customer service dispute which is what this was.

        • Anonymous :

          There is a max set by DOT as to what airlines can offer.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            That “max” is the max that they can be REQUIRED by law to pay. They can voluntarily offer as much as they want.

          • Anonymous :

            That’s not true. There are caps on what they have to pay, there are no caps on what they can choose to pay. They could have offered passengers $10 million.

          • Anonymous :

            1. United didn’t offer $1,300 in cash, they offered $800 in vouchers, which often come in multiple vouchers (e.g., $400, $200, and two $100) that can’t all be used for the same flight and have blackout dates.
            2. It’s not a cap on what airlines CAN offer. Airlines HAVE to pay certain amounts up to a max of $1,300 based on time delays after an involuntary bump per DOT rules, but they CAN offer whatever they want.

          • Thank you for the corrections!

          • Anonymous :

            The ‘max’ is a floor not a ceiling.

            Airlines intentionally misrepresent this so they can try to avoid paying more. It’s another one of their disgusting business practices.

        • Repositioning staff means they’re getting them to another flight. To fly it. Booking them on a different flight means that second flight is now delayed. It makes more sense for 4 people to be delayed than for an entire flight of 80 people, which is why flight crew get priority when they need to be repositioned. Raising the dollar amount is irrelevant. This was already twice the cost of the ticket, it’s ridiculous to think you should get a free first class trip to Europe.

          I don’t care about the reason for a disagreement/disobedience with crew. You follow instructions. If you disagree, you deal with it via the proper channels, but you don’t get to delay an entire flight because you feel like you’re not getting the customer service you think you deserve.

          • Anonymous :

            “it’s ridiculous to think you should get a free first class trip to Europe.”

            No it isn’t. That’s the point. Airlines need to get their sh!t together and if they don’t they have to be prepared to pay. Airlines are used to using 9/11 as an excuse for their awful business practices.

            And if they can’t figure out how to get the staff there is time, they need to up the offer or figure out the logistics – maybe crew comes in from somewhere else or whatever. Just like they would have to deal if the plane had a mechanical issue and couldn’t get the crew there in time.

          • Anonymous :

            The crew’s next flight was scheduled to leave 20 hours later, so in this case, there would be no delay. There was a flight on another airline an hour later that United could have booked for $100 per person. The airports are 4-5 hours apart by car.

          • If you don’t offer what people are willing to get off the plane for, that’s your fault, not theirs. I guarantee someone would have gotten off for $1300 in cash. Even if they didn’t, why is assault justified?

          • Yes it is. If my product breaks or doesn’t work as it is supposed to, I get a new one of equal value or a refund, not 3, 4, 5 times the value or something at a higher price point. I get that no one reads the fine print on these things, like EVER, but it’s there and the airline is within it’s rights to pull you under the carriage contract. You don’t have to like it and if you don’t like it, start your battle with the airlines/lobbyists. Good luck.

          • What’s the equivalent value here though? In my view, it is a plane ride to the destination as scheduled or as close to possible. So a seat of a competitor carrier would be entirely in line with ‘equivalent value’. And United wasn’t offering a ‘refund’ like you suggest, they were offering vouchers. If someone had been booked on the next flight on a competitor they would have received equivalent value and this whole thing would have been avoided. United ran into problems because they were trying to provide a lot less than equivalent value.

          • It’s not that he didn’t get the customer service he wanted . . . he didn’t get the PRODUCT he PAID for. That’s a huge difference.

          • Yes, and when he clicked I agree when he bought his ticket, he agreed he could get bumped. I am not saying it justifies assault, or that it’s a good practice, but it is what it is in terms of your agreement when you buy a ticket.

          • Actually, as I understand the terms of carriage, he can be denied boarding. That isn’t what happened here.

          • YES.

          • This is United’s bad. If they can’t get crew to another city to man another flight, they shouldn’t resort to beating an elderly passenger–who was still in the hospital three days after the incident. They should have eaten their error, put their employees on another flight (even through another carrier) and delayed the subsequent flight. Now they get to pay the price of litigation, getting dragged on social media and watching their stock price tank. It’s clear that no one at United, up to and including their CEO, thought this through rationally.

        • It sucks getting bumped off a flight but if a police officer asks you to get off the plane, get off the plane. United didn’t bump him so that someone could go on vacation but because there was another flight of people that needed staffing.

      • Anonymous :

        Ideal outcomes: 1) put the employees you are trying to put on the flight on a different flight 2) raise the amount you are offering.3) realize that if you didn’t get your act together before people were seated it’s too late and you’ll have to figure out some other way to get your employees to their destination 4) don’t overbook flights

        • Anonymous :

          The flight wasn’t over booked. This was a deadhead crew that needed to get to another location or that flight would have been cancelled entirely, plus the cascade of other travel issues that would have caused throughout the whole system. Whether people like it or not, removing four passengers from one flight to non-rev a crew to another location is far less detrimental system-wide than that deadhead crew not getting on the flight.

          • Anonymous :

            Buy tickets for the crew on another flight, drive the crew there, or plan better on how to move your people around because that is literally your entire business.

            Not here for airline families defending assault. At all.

          • My understanding is that they HAVE to fly the crew there under the union contracts. They cannot drive them.

          • If they have to fly then buy them seats on a competitor’s flight. Or bring in crew on another flight from somewhere else. Or put the crew on a non-direct flight and fly them to a stopover airport and then fly them to destination. Tons of other options.

          • Nice. There’s no one defending assault. It’s trying to explain that this situation isn’t unique to United, it’s explaining that offering more money didn’t work so they moved to involuntary removal, and then asking exactly what are the options if someone is being asked to get off a flight and they refuse to comply. As a society we don’t have a lot of well-agreed upon solutions for grown people acting like toddlers who are impacting others.

            I get there’s a lot of armchair quarterbacking, saying well if you just offered enough, he would have gotten off and/or they should have put the crew on a different flight, and then it wouldn’t have come to him refusing to get off the flight. Neither of those were options here, which is what people are trying to explain. Whether you personally agree is irrelevant.

          • They were both options. They could have offered more or put the crew on a different flight. Whether you personally think it’s okay to defend a company ordering an assault of a paying customer is irrelevant.

          • “Neither of those were options here”

            Please explain how these were not options. (1) It was 100% an option to offer more compensation to get a volunteer. As has been explained numerous times, the $1300 is not a limit on what the airline CAN offer, it’s the minimum legally required before involuntary denial of boarding is allowed. Plus the passenger had already boarded to there is some debate as to whether he can them be hauled off under that provision. (2) even if flight crew had to fly there. There is NO specific legal requirement for that particular flight crew to be used. United could have re-position another flight crew or put them on another flight to a stopover airport etc.

            There is no excuse for what United did. They had LOTS of other options to get to the end goal. They chose the one they expected to be cheapest and most convenient for them. And now they are paying the price for that.

          • 1) To borrow an example from someone above, if you don’t get a product/service you paid for, you get a replacement or refund. You do not get something 3x the value. He was not going to get the flight he paid for. They offered him a rebooked flight plus another free flight at a later date. That’s more than fair. This is a service, not a good. If your cleaning lady doesn’t come and you had people coming over later that night, you expect either they come later or they refund you the cost of the cleaning. You do not expect 3 additional cleanings for free, nor should you.

            2) There is a combination of FAA regulations on working hours and sleep requirements, combined with union contracts on crew usage and non-flying redirects, that the airline has to navigate through. Airlines cut this as razor thin as possible already. We don’t know the specifics of their various crew scenarios, but it’s very likely this was one of very few options to let that next flight leave anywhere close to on time.

            I’m not denying United chose the cheapest and most convenient option, that is literally what every stakeholder asks every company to do. Yes their stock is down now, but give it a week or two and it will be right back up. People are notorious for “boycotting” airline X until they want to fly somewhere and see it happens to be the cheapest flight, or until they have a similar experience on airline Y.

          • Co-sign Anon at 10:38 a.m. No one is defending assault, which was conducted by the police. Hate United all you want, but it’s not as easy in airline trafficking to grab another crew and slot them in. It doesn’t take 30 seconds. It’s an incredibly intricate system that people don’t complain about when it works, but raise holy hell when it doesn’t work exactly how they want it to. There are thousands of flights daily and the impact of one delay or cancellation is a domino effect. I can assure you that the folks on the flight cancelled because the crew couldn’t get there would be complaining that they were also inconvenienced.

            I mean, no one wins here. The airline industry is complicated and I certainly am not going to sit here and tell you it’s wonderful, because it’s not, but it’s also unlikely to change on a grand scale any time soon unless people stop flying places. We all know that’s not happening.

          • 1) a flight a day later is not equivalent compensation. A same day flight on a competitor is and would have likely been accepted by someone on the plane. They did not offer him a free flight on another date. They offered him low value vouchers (only $800) which is not necessarily equivalent to a free flight.

            2) United should have dealt with it. Lots of other ways to get that crew there or use another crew. Airlines reposition or deal with hours issues all the time. It’s what they do.

            I think you underestimate the harm that will be done to United. I was considering booking them and I’m not now because of their practices in this case. I didn’t care about the leggings thing in the same way. Between this story and Posita’s where they denied her/baby boarding on a flight her DH had already boarded and wouldn’t tell her DH, they would have to be hugely cheaper, like 50% less, the cost of a competitor before I would think about booking with them. I can’t imagine exposing my kids to this to save $100/ticket.

          • Anon at 10:38am -. . .but you DO have rights to 3x, etc. your ticket price here! Protesting what’s “deserved” or not in a normal situation . . . not the case here. It’s literally a law that you get that kind of compensation. Plus the airline is welcome to increase that further!

          • “it’s also unlikely to change on a grand scale any time soon unless people stop flying places.”

            This is not true. Better regulation would make a huge difference. This doesn’t happen in Europe where airlines have to deal with much stricter compensation rules. They adjust their business practices and get you on another flight plus refund your flight cost in cash instead of ‘vouchers’ because the law says they have to.

            People don’t have to stop flying to make airlines change. Government just has to care more about how people are treated vs. businesses making max profit.

          • Anon at 10:54 – I don’t disagree, but we also know that’s highly unlikely to happen anytime soon!

          • Anonattorney :

            [email protected]:38:

            Airlines cut services drastically when oil prices skyrocketed and now that oil prices are down they’re reaping in huge profits. Through a series of federally-approved mergers, we now have an industry dominated by 5 airlines that can essentially do whatever they want to consumers. The fact that United CAN legally do this (although perhaps not, based on LawyChk’s comment below)and consumers essentially have no effective way to boycott them is a problem we should all be worried about — not an excuse or thumbs-up for United.

            I think I’m going to focus my efforts on advocating for better regulations on airlines. This is just getting ridiculous.

        • SFAttorney :

          Did anyone hear the NPR discussion of the situation this morning saying that the airlines should use game theory? Here’s a link to the recording: http://www.npr.org/2017/04/13/523726313/how-game-theory-relates-to-airline-booking

          I didn’t hear it all but the first thing is that people value things they already have more than what they might have. So don’t put people in seats and then try to take the seats away! Better yet, send a text with your offer (a good one) before they go to the airport.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m not nearly as outraged about this as many people are, but I think the ideal outcome is clearly that the airline offers more than $1,000. If no one takes $1,000, airlines should offer $1,500, $2,000, etc. I guarantee you someone would have willingly gotten off that plane for a first class round-trip ticket to Europe and, in the end, that would have been a way better deal for United, since their stock price took a hit in the hundreds of millions of dollars.

        • Anonymous :

          DOT has regulations about how much an airline can offer – specifically, here, 4 times the value of the ticket up to a max of $1350. There is not a never ending ceiling of what the airline can offer.

          • Anonymous :

            No, that’s false, although that piece of misinformation was widely shared on social media after this incident. That’s how much they HAVE to give you in situations like this where people are involuntarily booted. They can choose to offer any amount they want.

            “Federal rules say that airlines must also compensate the booted passengers for the disruption, based on how much later they arrive at their final destination than the scheduled arrival time of the overbooked flight. On domestic flights, the compensation ranges from 200% of the original fare to 400%, with a maximum of $1,350 per ticket.” from http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-united-airlines-bad-pr-20170410-story.html

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            See my comment above. The max is the max they can be required to pay not the max they can voluntarily pay.

          • Anonymous :

            Thank you for the correction!

      • Anonymous :

        The next steps were offering more money, actually asking nicely (lol you think the police were nice) or not boarding the crew and figuring out another solution.

      • Anonymous :

        There were so many options! Offer more money to the guy who was assaulted. Go on to involuntary person #5, 6, whatever on the list. Drive the crew to the other airport since it was 4 hours away.

        • Anonymous :

          Airlines don’t get to pick how to get their deadhead crew to the location of the other flight. The crew has to fly to that other location.

          • Then they can book them a seat on a different airline or offer enough to get passengers to volunteer to deplane or rebook customers on a competitor’s flight

          • You know that saying about how “lack of planning on your part doesn’t create an emergency on mine?” That.

            Signed: wife of a unionized air traffic controller.

        • Anonymous :

          Oh h*ll no to “Go on to involuntary person #5, 6, whatever on the list” ….so you’re rewarding that guy for being an insubordinate a-hole!?! Every person on that plane deserved to get home just as much as he did.

          • Yea, please don’t reward bad behavior. Anywhere, any time.

          • So offer more money to people! It wasn’t worth it to the doctor. Find the next person who values money more than their time. Or get your s* together before people have boarded, and deny boarding instead. You don’t drag people out of their seat.

            I just can’t with the sympathy for the airline here.

          • I totally agree that United should have offered more money, and I don’t sympathize with the airline at all. But if no one takes the amount of money that they’re willing to offer – which is indeed what happened – you don’t go to #5 on the computer because #4 refuses to get off. I wasn’t saying that I think United handled it well by any means. They should have found a price at which people would voluntarily get off and they never should have been in the situation of removing people who had already boarded. But I disagree with your assertion that picking someone else to be involuntarily booted because this guy refused to leave is an acceptable solution.

          • But what’s United’s best option then? If he says no and won’t leave, then you’re suggesting that arrest or assault by the police they called in are reasonable options. There is a plane full of people, all of whom have a price they’ll accept.

          • I think United’s best option was clearly offering more money until they got four people who were willing to get off the plane in exchange for the cash. They should have done that, even if it took offering people $10,000 or $100,000. There is certainly an amount they could have offered at which they would have had plenty of people volunteering to get off the plane.

            But I also think there’s a huge difference between arrest or removal by the police and assault. No one deserves to be assaulted, which it looks like this guy was. But people are arrested/escorted off the plane by police all the time for being belligerent or disobeying crew member instructions. I’ve seen it happen several times and I’m not a super super frequent flier. Ultimately if United can’t find a price at which people will choose to get off (which seems exceedingly unlikely if they go high enough) and they have to boot someone, the person that the computer selects to be booted needs to get off the plane. And if s/he won’t, the airline has the right to call the authorities to have that person removed, and I think that’s a better option that turning to someone else on the plane (who also declined the airline’s best cash offer) and saying “Ok, well, this guy won’t get off so you’re up.” That rewards the guy who is breaking the law and disobeying crew member instructions and even if those instructions are unfair, that behavior should’t be rewarded.

          • Agreed.

          • You're kidding, right? :

            “Insubordinate”? WOW. Just…. WOW. Insisting on his legal right to a service he had paid for was “insubordinate”? You, my dear, are exactly the kind of person who is just lining up to grovel your unworthy self before to your corporate overlords in the New Trump Police State. I suppose Rosa Parks should just have shut up and gone to the back of the bus like a good little negro, too.

          • …nice try, except he wasn’t fighting for civil rights and he actually doesn’t have a legal right to that service. There are all kinds of terms and conditions in airline tickets that basically say they can bump people from flights whenever they need to, they just have to give a certain amount of money to you. And even if he did have a legal right to be on the plane, the correct thing to do is to comply with the instructions of officials, get off the plane and then later obtain compensation for the violation of his rights, including suing the airline if he has to. Not to refuse to move and hold up an entire plane full of people.

        • I think there are FAA regulations that say the crew has to fly to the location, they can’t be driven.

          • So what about driving four passengers to the destination instead? I’ve had numerous flights from MSP to bumblef#ck changed from “airplane” to “everyone get in a 15 passenger van for 3 hours.” Yes, people would get home a few hours later but they wouldn’t be missing a whole day of work. It’s not that hard to find a better solution here.

          • SFAttorney :

            I wonder how much of this problem of needing to get a crew to the right airport comes from allowing them to live in cities far from where they’re based. It isn’t always a case of getting them where needed unexpectedly; I think it is built into the system.

          • I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but short answer is no.

            1) Redirecting crew has nothing to do with where they live. It is not a must-ride situation just to get to your base. It is a must-ride when your original flight to a city (as in, one that you were the pilot/attendant on) cancels delays or otherwise changes.

            2) Assigned bases change incredibly often, and often with only a few months notice or less. While some are lucky, in recent years most crewmembers have changed bases 2-3 times every 5 years. That is extremely prohibitive to having a spouse with a career, kids in a school, or having any sort of roots in a community.

      • The airline is the expert here. The passenger is not. The airline has expertise in routing, booking, predicting no shows, dealing with weather and all of those things. The passenger does not. It’s not the passenger’s fault that the airline screwed up and the passenger shouldn’t be the one suffering.

        Yes there’s a contract that says the airline can kick you off. It doesn’t mean they should. It doesn’t make it good business practice. And people are free to voice their displeasure with business practice.

        United was lazy. United did not sweeten the offer enough to tempt people to take it. Everyone has their price and someone would have taken a better offer at a price point well below the $800mm stock plunge United experienced after this fiasco.

        This is the reality of a world where everyone has a high quality video camera in their pocket and the means of easily posting that footage where everyone can see it. It’s exposing bad behavior and at the end of the day, that’s the only thing that’s going to prevent it continuing to happen.

        • This. Everyone is citing how complicated the problem United was trying to solve as a way of justifying their actions…but that’s ridiculous.

          As another pointed out, it’s literally United’s job to manage their logistics. And in this case they are managing their logistics very poorly. Anyone who works in an industry where logistics matter understands that you also need contingency plans and creative back up when the highly unexpected corner cases occur…because statistically they will at some point. This was a very unusual situation, but as others have pointed out there were multiple solutions that could have worked. My own interpretation is that low morale and lack of employee empowerment are part of the issue here. Whether legally able to or not, I’m betting United has issued strict guidelines to their gate agents not to go above $800 in compensation and not to endorse people to fly on other carriers. [Aside: I don’t know if it’s still the case, but it used to be that if you asked an airline to endorse you onto another carrier for the same route, they had to do it (I’ve taken advantage of that in the past).] Those gate agents have probably been cowed to the point where they are no longer ever given the freedom to think for themselves, so this is the completely inhumane outcome. We don’t need robot overlords if we force people to act against their human instincts.

        • + a million.

        • Anonymous :

          +100

      • In Asia, people are bumped off at check in. They’re usually offered vouchers or cash politely. No rough handling like United did.

      • Agreed 100%.

    • Anonymous :

      Eyeroll. This person has zero expertise to opine on this matter, and raising 9/11 as an emotional manipulation is entirely irrelevant.

      She’s entirely missing the point that United had options in how it dealt with its customers, and it picked the worst of the options. United could have made these decisions before people boarded the planes. United could have offered additional incentives to entice people to take a later flight. United could have purchased fares for the disrupted passengers (or their crew) on another airline.

      The fact that United apparently can do what they did does not mean United SHOULD do what they did,

      • Anon for this :

        I agree that raising 9/11 is eye roll worthy. I also agree that there is no excuse for law enforcement bashing the guys head, making him bleed. I disagree with the people that say law enforcement should have never got “hands on.” From their perspective, they don’t know what United did or didn’t do. They are told their job is to remove a passenger from the plane. Said passenger refuses to leave. After spending 10 minutes or so trying to convince him, you just have to remove him physically. That said, it should have been done in a very different controlled manner that does not lead to injury. Properly trained law enforcement can do that, particularly with someone who is not being physically combative.

      • I love how you dismiss her opinion as having zero expertise, and then go on to state your opinion without listing your relevant expertise.

      • +1

      • anonymouse :

        yes +1

    • United’s own policy says they have the right to prevent people from boarding in the event of overbooking. The victim was already boarded and the flight was not overbooked. United did not have the right to remove the passenger to make room for unticketed United crew members. They certainly didn’t have the right to remove him through forcible assault.

    • Her characterization of this is entirely inaccurate, and as someone who doesn’t even work in the industry she has zero basis for her purported knowledge. I have worked in the aviation industry before and am familiar with the regulations at play here.

      This was not an involuntary denied boarding per their own contract of carriage and the regs, and there is no FAA reg that requires airlines put their crew on the plane to deadhead. He was not denied boarding.

      She is just flat out wrong.

      The gate agent handled this incorrectly and should have gotten a supervisor involved. Even moreso, United’s handling of this was a complete mess from a PR and legal standpoint.

    • Not on topic, and I get why they do it, but I HATE when women brand themselves as “[husband occupation] wives”. (Doctor’s wife, Pilot’s wife, army wife, etc).

      • +1

      • I have serious issues with it, but completely understand. Those three professions you listed (and more, like police/firefighter/etc) specifically are structured so that the spouse has to take on an inordinate amount of second shift work in order to allow the person to do the job. Even more than a “regular” working spouse. It ends up feeling like the entire family (spouse and kids) is held at the mercy of that job.

        Having a support network who understands that kind of powerlessness is key. Most spouses of those professionals end up either quitting their jobs, or putting them on the complete backburner, especially once kids come into the picture. It’s impossible to hold your own career and make sure kids are covered if your spouse moves every two years thanks to the military, or if your spouse works a 24+ hour shift because some kind of emergency happened.

        But geez. I hate when women especially let their identities be consumed by their relation to someone else. And I hate industries that totally take advantage of that fact.

        • Plenty of doctors married to doctors and both working (often both fulltime), so I don’t get that at all.

          • marketingchic :

            I would think that two doctors would have resources for help (nannies, etc.) that firefighters and members of the military generally could not afford.

        • As the child of two doctors, even I know more about medicine than the average person…but I would never cite that as a credential for having an opinion on some medical technicality.

          Regardless, your description of the reasoning doesn’t make much sense. “Second shift” work means you are taking care of the kids and house…it gives you no special technical insight into your spouse’s profession. An example is that DH and I both have PhDs in the same field, but we now work in very different sectors. His job is much more demanding hours- and travel-wise, which means his job hugely impacts our lives. I *do* have special insight into his job because I have the educational background to understand it and he frequently asks me for help on technical issues related to his job…but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m currently on my fifth day of going solo with an infant and pre-schooler while he’s in Asia. Also, I still wouldn’t claim to have expertise in his sector, even though he actually has a patent based on something I helped him with.

          • My comment was in context of calling yourself a [occupation] wife in general, not in context of the specific blog post mentioned where she gave her opinion. I also don’t agree that merely knowing more than the average person makes you an expert. (Which is why I yell at so-called CNN experts in my own field.)

            That said, I love the hypocrisy of multiple people saying she seems to know exactly what to do in a situation she’s never been in, while in the same comment saying they know exactly what to do in this situation they also have never been in.

      • Anonymous :

        I feel very sorry for that woman, who apparently has no identity of her own and has had to fabricate one based on what her husband does for a living. Sorry, but I can’t take people like that (or their opinions) very seriously. If she was the pilot and was writing, my opinion would be different. Hope her husband doesn’t dump her; then where will she be?

    • Regardless of United’s missteps, that guy needed to get off the damn plane. Refusing to follow the instructions of airport officials or airline personnel will never end well. There are channels to express your outrage; refusing to leave the plane, and then running back on the aircraft (good god) is not it. Ever.

      Quite frankly, the kind of passenger who feels that this kind of behavior is acceptable is one that I don’t want on my flight.

      • +1.

      • Anonymous :

        I have less than zero sympathy for this guy. Yes, it sucks that he got bumped and United should have done things differently and found a price at which someone would be happy to get off, but he is clearly looking for a multi-million dollar payday. Running back on the plane after he’s been removed and allegedly assaulted in the process? There’s no justification for that except trying to get into further physical altercations that will get him more money. And as for his lawyer saying this was worse than attacks by the Viet Cong? PUH-lease. That’s a Sean Spicer moment if I’ve ever heard one. If I were on the jury I’m not sure I’d give this guy a dime, I certainly wouldn’t give him millions just because when cops asked him to leave the plane he slammed his head into an armrest and started bleeding.

        • Anonymous :

          YEAAAAP

          • Anonymous :

            Also, the lying about treating patients as to why he had to stay on the flight? He currently has no medical license, so he lied to try to get preferential treatment. That doesn’t sit well for me. Sorry, but everyone’s time is important.

        • Anon in NYC :

          I disagree with your sentiment, but as for your point about him getting back onto the plane, reports have come out that he had a concussion so it’s not clear that he even really knew what was happening at that point. Granted those statements have come from his attorney, but I’m sure they’ll be backed up by medical records at some point.

          • Anonymous :

            + 1 to concussion causing confusion. I’m not sure he wasn’t just trying to get away from the guys who roughed him up.

        • I think this troll needs its nap

      • I dunno. I would have left, but I’m a small town lawyer with coverage for court or meetings if necessary.

        If I’m a doctor, first-responder, or other person who is affecting others’ safety with my ability to arrive at work on time, well-rested, and ready to go? I’m less likely to be OK with being removed contrary to the contract I have with United (which says you can be denied boarding due to overbooking, not removed from the plane because of it). I’m less impressed when that decision is made entirely because of the airline’s failure to plan.

        And finally, a situation in which I did make a big fuss: I was flying with my father a number of years ago. Due to the fact that we did not book our tickets at the same time, we were seated in different areas of the same flight. We were catching a connecting flight to our final destination. He boarded first, and I found out as I tried to board that they had bumped me. OK, fine. But we had planned on one rental car at the location, in my name, and I needed to arrive with my travel companion. Still no big — I asked if they would please alert my father so he could deplane. They refused.

        I ended up stranded overnight without my family member, who was deeply confused as to why I wasn’t on the plane. You best believe I was downright upset with the gate clerk, who was really quite terrible. I remain, all these years later, absolutely not sorry for being a pain in the rear to her, because she refused to show even a little human decency.

        • Anonymous :

          Was this United? Posita posted a similar story a couple days ago with the same issue of them refusing to tell the family member on the plane that she had been denied boarding. Crazy. Like what’s the harm in telling someone what happened to their family member?

          • This was United. I haven’t flown with them since, for obvious reasons. I was given a hotel room and travel vouchers for my inconvenience, which I would have been fine with, if they had told my dad what had happened. I understand that things happen. I do expect basic human decency, even from an airline, though.

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          POSITA posted a similar story. This is awful. I guess it’s a wake up call to all of us that if we ever separate for boarding that we keep all of our own stuff with us and make sure we each have cell phones on that we are paying attention to. It’s also a reminder to book on one ticket when at all possible but I don’t think it mattered in POSITA’s situation.

          I don’t know what else you could do. Maybe beg another passenger that was boarding to make an announcement for you? And if your father did get off, would they consider him forfeiting his ticket like they did with POSITA? What airline was it?

          • United. I haven’t flown with them since.

            I was lucky that I had all my true essentials with me, and they gave me travel vouchers and a hotel for the evening. I wouldn’t have been nearly as upset if they would have just told my dad, and let him make a decision whether to go on without me or get off the plane. I don’t know if they would have told my dad he was forfeiting his ticket — the whole thing was just surreal.

            I’m not one to necessarily volunteer to be bumped from a flight, but I get that things happen sometimes that require it. My husband works in aviation (though we were not together at the time) and we tend to be understanding of things outside the airline’s control. Being a decent human to customers is within their control. Full stop.

      • Anonymous :

        Wowza. He was sitting on the plane waiting for takeoff. I don’t know about you, but I don’t look for ways to have a multi-million dollar payday when I’m in that situation. Considering he apparently got a severe concussion which could put his livelihood in danger – even as a 69-year-old, a doctor could have substantial lifetime earnings potential – he deserves every cent in my mind.

        • Anonymous :

          He’s not a doctor. He lied about that. He lost his medical license several years ago for fraud. I wouldn’t normally believe that the victim’s prior bad acts are relevant but since his profession was his justification for why he HAD to be on the plane, it’s relevant that he lied about his profession.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        Yeah, you get off the plane ever if you disagree and deal with things later. I don’t get why people are defending this guy for not listening to airline staff and security. He was likely handled too roughly by the security, fine. United could have offered more money for volunteers, fine. United could have had it together more and bumped the passengers before they boarded, fine. But he still needed to listen and get off the flight like the other 3 people who got off the flight.

        In addition, if it is was really THAT important he be home by the next morning, maybe he shouldn’t have booked an evening flight the day before. What if there was weather? Flight cancellation? Just like attorneys don’t fly in the morning of (or even late at night before) an important deposition or hearing. Or even if he did really need to be back, and had to leave the flight, he could have rented a car and driven if it really was that important to him. And he could have dealt with reimbursement/compensation afterwards.

    • This article explains why United’s removal of Dao from the flight does not comply with governing regs. It is worth a read. https://www.yahoo.com/news/why-united-legally-wrong-deplane-134223391.html

  4. I need help to stop picking at my lip. Professional help as nothing I’ve tried to do on my own has stopped. It’s a nervous tic / addition and I’m not sure where to start. What kind of counseling do I look for to try and break this? I’m so frustrated with myself but as my life gets more stressful, I do it more, and it’s awful.

    • I pick at my face when I’m nervous. I got one of those fidget toys and it helped cut down on it dramatically, although I still do it if I don’t have the toy and I’m super stressed. My mother also picks at her face, and so does her mom. Grandma never figured out a good distraction, and my mom eventually went to a therapist to work on her anxiety, which drastically reduced her face picking. If mine gets back to bad levels, I’m going to get checked for a link to anxiety and see if treating that helps the issue.

    • heatherskib :

      How about super sticky lipgloss, or something that is tactilely attention grabbing to remind you not to do it. Maybe paper grabbers over your fingers when you’re particularly anxious, etc?

    • I would look for a CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapist). Ask your primary care doc or trusted friends for recommendations. I used to pick at my cuticles until they would bleed; it was a manifestation of anxiety and stress. It took two different therapists to find a good fit; with her help, I was able to identify and redirect the urge. I also started a medication for anxiety which dramatically improved my life.

    • Anonymous :

      Try finding something else to replace it with. Those fidget cubes are pretty popular and you could stash one in your pocket or purse.

      • thanks to you and everyone for the tips. I saw someone I know playing with one but I didn’t think much of it. Honestly the worst of it is when I’m at work, just scrolling through documents with one hand and the other just mindlessly picks.

        • You might try a old-school koosh ball. It’s really soothing to “boing” it against your hand.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m going to guess it’s part of an anxiety disorder. I agree with the others to find something to fidget with. That’s what I did.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Hypnosis.

    • I used to pick/bite my cuticles until they bled. What helped me was keeping them trimmed, and using hand cream so I couldn’t grab on to the skin as easily. Would regularly applying a thick lip balm like vaseline help? Also agree with something else to keep your hands tied.

      Cosign to CBT, also. If you’re in DC I can provide a recommendation.

      • I would like a recommendation for someone who does CBT in DC…

      • I’m in nova but with easy access to DC. A rec would be great because I have no idea where to even start.

      • Anonymous :

        Try Women’s Center in Vienna.

      • Anyone have any CBT recommendations in Boston? Chronic face picker, eyelash and eyebrow puller, and cuticle biter here. Just listing all that out makes me realize what a problem I have.

    • full of ideas :

      It might help to know that skin picking is a mental disorder, similar to hair pulling. It is called Dermatillomania and has ties to OCD. Finding someone with experience in this disorder might be helpful.

    • I know a person who does that. They also fear illnesses, so were able to stop picking on trips out of the country… a long holiday travelling around Asia was enough to let the lip heal. After that the person has only picked their lip occasionally during times of intense stress.

      You need help with your anxiety.

  5. Do you use perfume at work? I want to be mindful of the people who might have allergies. Is perfume appropriate for professional women? If yes, what perfume do you use?

    • Anonymous :

      Oh god do we have to do this again? Many of us vocally loathe perfume at work and think it is unprofessional and rude. Many of us wear perfume daily but would stop if asked.

      Please can we just skip this drama today?

      • Anonymous :

        Thank you. This topic is done to death every two weeks.

      • Wow, how about not being vicious b*tches to someone who asked a question. Just tell her there are prior threads on this.

        • Ummmm what? If that’s your definition of vicious life must be hard for you!

        • Not Anon at 9:49 :

          “There are prior threads about this” is the correct response when someone asks for Zika free babymoon locations or advice about building a capsule wardrobe. This isn’t just OP asking a super common question, it’s tr0lling about a topic that always starts a huge fight.

          • Wow! I did not know this was discussed before and certainly did not want to create drama. Anyway, I am surprised to see so many rude posters recently. Chill out ladies!

      • This is indeed a good summary of a recurring thread. For work, I pick cooler, less complex scents (simple lavender, for a long time it used to be Cool Water). I save flowery stuff for the weekend.

      • AMEN

    • If you don’t already wear perfume, why start? It affects a lot of people with sensitivities in general as well as others who may get headaches only when they’re close to you (such as in the elevator). I’m not normally a fan of changing your own behavior to suit other people’s needs, but to me, it’s like smoking – you don’t have to smoke, it bothers other people, and it’s bad for health to breathe in secondhand smoke, just like artificial fragrance (can cause headaches, eye irritation, throat irritation, severe allergic reactions, etc). Yes, fragrance isn’t AS severe, but it’s also not addicting like cigarettes, so you should be able to stop or avoid it easily.

      • +1

        Agree

        I used to wear perfume daily … 20 years ago. In my 40’s now.

        It’s not done in any of my workplaces now, and the few times it has been noted, co-workers usually ask the person to stop wearing it. Many people dislike it/can’t tolerate it/find it triggers migraines etc…. I must admit, I now find it distracting, and there is a tiny part of me that questions why someone would wear it in the workplace in this day and age. It reads a bit tone-deaf.

        Save it for social/personal time.

    • Perfume is not appropriate in the workplace and many workplaces have policies against it.

      • Amberwitch :

        Parfume is perfectly appropriate at workplaces, and only in USA are people insane enough to have rules about it

      • Seriously. And why would you start during prime allergy season.

        Signed,
        Someone who has to take 5 pills to calm down from your toxic artificial scents

  6. Are mid-level designer purses really better quality for the money? I’ve only ever spent about $50 on a purse before, but I’m really looking to get a new one that’s a classic style and will last for years. Are brands like Coach, Michael Kors, Calvin Klein, etc., really that much better, or am I mostly paying for the name?

    • I’ve bought Marc Jacobs, Tory Burch, Kate spade, etc. before and (except for the Marc Jacobs) the quality was not bad. The bags wore out very quickly. After reading many reviews, I bought a Henri Bendel bag which I have had for several months now and I love it. The quality is so much better and they routinely have sales so I would not pay full price.

    • They are usually better simply because of the materials used. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a real leather purse for $50, unless it was some part of super clearance event. By going up in price you’ll typically get purses made out of real leather with nicer linings.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 Look at the materials. All the Label Brands put out junk for people who just for the name, but they also sell truly good quality bags.

        My only purse is a leather Calvin Kline bought three years ago. It gets daily use. I could easily pass it off as brand new because it is holding up so well.

    • I carry Kate Spade and the average lifespan for me has been 2 years of daily use. These bags have held up to the abuse of a toddler and giant breed dog.

    • I have Coach, Cole Haan, and Kate Spade bags. The Cole Haan ones are hit or miss as far as how well they have held up. Coach and Kate Spade have help up like iron under several years of my abuse. Though I do weather proof them all when I buy them and then try to remember to do it once a year or so after that, so that helps a good deal with longevity.

      • Same. I have a Coach briefcase that I’ve used daily for the last 20 years. It’s still in great shape.

    • I’m pretty sure when I bought my Coach bag a few years ago it included a lifetime warranty.

    • I love my leather Coach bags. The last one I had I used pretty much daily for at least 5 years. I have a new one now mostly because I was saying how much I liked it when I was at the store one day and my husband went back and bought it for me, not so much because I needed a new one. I think they are worth the price.

    • They are better. I like Furla (bought at Nordstrom Rack). I’ve also had good luck buying used–there are a lot of “purse people” who rotate and lightly use designer purses and then I can buy one for around $100 and use it daily until it wears out.

    • Yes, they are better quality. A caveat is designer purses at outlet stores. They are poorer quality bags made specifically to be sold at outlets for cheaper prices. You are much better off waiting for a sale at Nordstrom and getting a real designer bag.

    • In-House in Houston :

      Go to eBay!! They have a ton of good purses, all brands. Especially if y0u’re new to a particular brand. There are purses for sale that are brand new, some used. I just got a gorgeous Kate Spade bag that I love for $75; leather and the seller only used it a few times and didn’t like it and could’t return it. Check the seller’s ratings if you’re nervous about buying something on eBay. Honestly, before I buy anything these days, I look at eBay first. Check it out!!

      • Anonymous :

        Beware that eBay is rife with fakes and they will often create an account, sell a few pieces of merchandise, people won’t realize it and will give the seller a good rating, and then the seller will move on to a new account. It can be hard to distinguish what is fake and what is not if you don’t have the experience.

        • In-House in Houston :

          I’ve purchased 10+ handbags on eBay and never had one problem. Ebay will reimburse you if you don’t get your order, and if you use PayPal, that’s extra protection. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are fakes out there, I just haven’t run into any since I’ve been on eBay for the last 3-4 years.

    • I don’t think any person will last forever with daily use but better quality ones will last much longer. I’ve found that leather bags that are meant to soften with age hold up the best. I’ve had good luck with Coach, Kate Spade and Cole Haan on the lower end. I don’t consider Calvin Klein in the same category.

    • I thinkI Coach and (historically) Cole Haan both are higher quality from a durability standpoint. Especially now that Coach has revamped itself. I have had mixed results with some of the other brands. But several years ago I bought a Michael Kors purse on sale from Macy’s (about $150), and it has the most amazing, high quality leather of pretty much any bag I’ve ever touched. It’s unbelievably well-made as well, and the design is quite unique. I haven’t seen anything like this from MK before or since, but it turned out to be an amazing find (that was also a complete impulse buy while buzzed after a HH in the Macy’s at Metro Center in DC).

  7. Gail the Goldfish :

    I went down the rabbithole of researching Vitamin C serums last night. What’s everyone’s favorite, and which ones have you tried that you didn’t like? And are the $100+ ones really worth it?

    • Frozen Peach :

      I have really liked the Paula’s Choice one. I put a drop in with my tinted moisturizer / sunscreen mix in the morning and it has made a noticeable difference.

      • housecounsel :

        Noticeable difference how, Frozen Peach? I have seen these serums but don’t really know what they do.

        • I use one. Here’s what I noticed after I started: the texture of my skin is better, and my skin tone is more even. I don’t feel like I “have” to wear foundation after the addition to my routine because of the improvements. I don’t mix my serum with anything — I put it on after toning and before my moisturizer/sunscreen.

          Note: I know I don’t have to wear any makeup (and am not today — thanks, allergies!).

          • Frozen Peach :

            Same– it has improved my skin’s texture and overall evenness. The Paula’s Choice one has a few active ingredients in it besides Vit C.

            I use very simple moisturizer products and wanted to add a little extra boost. I usually mix 1 part tinted moisturizer (with SPF) with 1 part either sunscreen (for outdoor days) or very basic moisturizer (for office days). Adding a drop or two of the serum has made this mix go on better and has, over a few months, made my skin tone more even.

    • I like the Mad Hippie one – available on Amazon and at one of the Vitamin chains

      • Which is like $30. And I also notice a major difference – for me is is in texture and brightness of my skin.

    • Marshmallow :

      I don’t use one because my dermatologist gave me a very convincing schpiel about how vitamin C is an antioxidant, and it reaches the nucleii of your cells much more effectively through your bloodstream than through the barriers of your skin.

      However! Derm says Glytone is the best because the vitamin C molecules are actually small enough to penetrate. It’s just a question of whether you’d rather spend the money on a serum or take a supplement/ eat enough fruit.

      Has anyone else heard this theory? It makes sense to me but so many people talking about “brightening” effects of vitamin C.

      • I’m going to fess up to not really understanding the terms used when touting skincare product benefits. What does “brightening” mean? Is your skin lighter? And when people talk about improved texture, what is that? I’m sure there are other terms I’m forgetting right now. I’m baffled every time I look at the descriptions on Sephora…

        • It’s all pretty much…… hand-waving….. scamming…. placebo…. etc..

          Hydrate. Sunscreen. Basic lotions. Don’t smoke. RetinA

          Choose your parents wisely to guarantee you have good genes.

          • Yup!

          • Marshmallow :

            Ha! This is exactly what my dermatologist says. Sunscreen, retinol, moisturize, everything else is a scam. I add some chemical exfoliation to that routine because I really do see a difference, but most other products… meh.

        • Brighter in this case means the opposite of dull. Think radiant and healthy.

        • First Year Anon :

          I understand the antioxidant and bloodstream argument, which I think is equally important, but it also works to exfoliate when applied to the skin. When I use it, I notice my skin is smoother (I get flakiness and it helps remove that), and tone is more even- so not as patchy. That is what people mean (I think) when they say “brightening”.

          • Yes, this is what I mean. My skin looks over all healthier and not dull.

          • Marshmallow :

            Yup, I was thinking because it has a mild acidic quality it is slightly exfoliating. I use glycolic acid for that, but I think that’s probably the only “real” result of using a Vit C serum.

    • I got DermaDoctor because it was reviewed well and I could get it for a good price through Costco. So far so good. I feel like my skin looks brighter.

      Costco occasionally has the Skinceuticals serum that seems to be the gold standard but I’ve been happy with DermaDoctor and don’t plan to switch.

  8. Anonymous :

    I’d like to replace my AGL flats because they are too small. Does anyone know what the flats are called that have the decorative strap, but not a buckle strap on the toe, and are about a half inch high? The heal is different than the one on the pointy toe flats.

  9. Desk Acoutrements :

    I need something to hold and organize business card’s and something to hold a pile of ANSI E size papers (44″ long rolls). So far the only things on my desk are a couple of cheap black picture frames and my black electronics. Suggestions? Thanks!

  10. Can't cook? :

    There have been lots of ladies posting lately that they can’t cook. So how do you feed yourself? Husband/wife cooks for you? Take out? Frozen dinners? Does it get expensive or unhealthy?

    • Frozen Peach :

      Why do you ask?

      • Can't cook? :

        Mainly curiosity. I just remember being a 17 year old in my dorm figuring out that I could add frozen broccoli to my Mac and cheese or tofu to my instant ramen. They are pretty formative memories and served as a foundation to becoming who I am today

        • anonshmanon :

          Yup, I have memories of sprucing up boxed noodles by adding canned mushrooms. What culinary genius!

        • anon associate :

          Your question seems phrased to imply that we are incompetent or somehow not adults, which is troubling. Nonetheless, I’ll bite: I think most people who are asking for advice on learning to cook know how to add frozen broccoli to mac and cheese or instant ramen. That’s not what most people consider “cooking” and isn’t hard to figure out.

          I’m a person who says she “can’t cook,” but I can prepare basics for myself. For example, I can cook pastas and add veggies/meat, I can cook quinoa and add things to it, I can do steaks and fish to my liking. A (very) easy dinner for me is to cook a bunch of kale/spinach and some kielbasa. I do make a pretty good soup. I do a lot of “tossing together”- i.e., avocado, tomato and mozzarella cheese as a “salad.” Combine that with eating out, left overs, prepared food at the store, I seem to have survived. I’m also single, so there’s an economy of scale factor- it will be more expensive for me regardless. I also work pretty long hours, so I’d rather pay a few dollars more to get some excellent pre-made chicken salad than take xyz hours out of my day to prepare it.

          But I am bad at things that are more complicated- recipes that require really combining ingredients to make something new, or cooking a certain type of meat just right. If you gave me a scallop, I could cook it so that I could eat it and not get food poisoning, but it probably wouldn’t taste great. I also wouldn’t really serve my food to someone else and be proud of it. Some people have a knack for looking in their fridge/pantry and seeing whole meals. Some have a knack for seasoning and combining flavors. I don’t.

          • Can't cook? :

            I obviously don’t still cook like that. I was fondly remembering my beginnings and learning to combine flavors. Like a marathon runner remembering their first 5k.

          • anon associate :

            ……..are you a chef or something? I guess I just don’t identify with adding broccoli to ramen as “formative.” I did this in college, too (and middle/high school because it’s extremely basic).

          • Anonymous :

            Stop saying you can’t cook then! You can! Perfectly adequately.

          • anon associate :

            Why do you care? I’ll say I can’t cook as long as I want. When I’m having a conversation with people who know how to use context clues, I say “I can’t cook” to describe that my cooking skills are fairly poor and most of what I’m doing should be thought of as “preparing food.” These people understand that I can still feed myself. There’s a world of difference between being an amateur at home chef and someone standing around like a simpleton with a bag of rice in her hand, not knowing what to do, content on starving that evening because her husband isn’t home to cook for her and her favorite take out place is closed.

            I’m really confused as to why OP and “Anonymous” are so invested in insisting that we can all cook.

          • Anonymous :

            Some people have a knack for looking in their fridge/pantry and seeing whole meals. Some have a knack for seasoning and combining flavors. I don’t.

            This! I can make foods and put them on a plate (the other night I baked salmon in foil, roasted cherry tomatoes on the same tray, and made broccoli and peas in a pan). And I can make a complex dish if I follow a recipe, I’m not an idiot. But I don’t particularly enjoy or see the point of doing the latter when it’s just me and I can’t do the bish-bash-bosh thing and throw together a lovely meal out of nothing. I would say I ‘can’t cook’ if asked because I don’t care about it at all.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      I *can* cook, I just don’t like to because of time (I usually don’t get home until 7). So it’s a combo of frozen dinners (Trader Joe’s mainly) + very basic meals. Last night was zucchini noodles +ground turkey+bell peppers and a jar of sauce. Easy and doesn’t take a lot of time, because the spiralizer is the greatest Kitchenaid accessory ever. I’m usually doing something like that I can cook on the stovetop in under 15 minutes. I generally avoid the oven.

      • Anonymous :

        So, you can and do cook. You literally just described cooking a meal.

      • housecounsel :

        I can cook, but I just don’t have time most nights, because from work I go straight to shuttling kids around to various activities. I rely heavily on semi-prepared meals and entrees from Whole Foods and other fancy schmancy grocery stores. I feel lucky to live in a place with many grocery stores actively trying to compete with the meal kit delivery services.

    • OG Monday :

      I prepare food at home, but “cook” is a strong word and I don’t enjoy cooking. I put together a lot of very unimpressive salads and wraps. I make one large meal maybe once a week and dole it out as lunches for the rest of the week–think pasta or rice. I actually save a lot of money on food, though it would be unacceptable to a lot of people who really enjoy cuisine. Any unhealthiness is really on me and not part of the setup.

      • This first sentence is also me. I often make dinner, but it’s definitely not cooking. I’ll heat up a cup of microwavable rice and a small can of veggies (or steam frozen veggies) in the microwave. Or make a salad. Otherwise, I rotate takeout from my favorite sandwich, taco, and hibachi places. I can get two meals out of the hibachi.

      • I like this distinction. I too prepare food but don’t really cook. Our dinners tend to be simple: salmon and vegetables, pork loin, spaghetti, etc.

        • Is this some odd extension of the over-achieving everyone has to be Martha Stewart identity, where an activity only counts if you are doing it to the utmost? Like, jogging a mile or two doesn’t count as real exercise, you have to be running a marathon to actually be acceptable as someone who runs. To me it’s like saying “oh, I don’t do laundry,” and then someone else asks, “oh, do you just take it to the wash and fold or does your husband do all the laundry, or what?” And you answer, “oh, well, I run a couple loads a week, I just don’t pretreat or do hand wash stuff, and I take all my work clothes to the dry cleaner” That is doing laundry, my friend. Cooking a tenderloin is cooking. Making soup is cooking. Preparing food to eat using a heat source is cooking.

    • I do cook, but can’t every night. I am a student and I have work to do all the time (plus I’m not a great cook so most of my meals are somewhat meh). We eat Trader Joe’s frozen pastas and lasagna on nights I don’t cook – used to go out to eat more but watching the budget. Yes, it does get unhealthy. Unfortunately, my husband thinks the raviolis and risottos from Trader Joe’s are delicious (which, admittedly, they often are), so it can be hard to psych myself up to spend more time cooking something from scratch that just doesn’t have the same good flavor. I deal with it by reading labels, trying to get the least processed and/or organic options, and also researching quick and easy fail-proof meals I can make when I have time.

      Also, husband can’t really cook, but is more than happy to be the one to make the Trader Joe’s meals and do all the cleaning when I cook. Works for me.

    • I’m one of them. I *can* cook but it’s one of my least favorite activities. So as part of our overall division of household labor, husband cooks. However, most of his “cooking” is make-ahead meals on the weekends. So at night it’s a mix of reheating the made-ahead meals and putting some salad on a plate.

      When we’re not in the mood for made-ahead meals, on-hand staples are typically easy meals from Trader Joe’s –raviolis (mmmm butternut squash), veggie burgers, or naan with Indian dip/spread.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I like to cook and when my husband is home we (he or me) cook ~4-5x per week. When he travels though, I barely cook and subsist on takeout/frozen meals or cook very basic meals (eggs, avocado toast). I don’t know that I would want to eat like that for months on end, but at least for short periods of time I do not have the incentive to make more elaborate meals for just myself. I also find a direct correlation between how much prep we managed to do on a Sunday and how much I’m willing to cook during the week. Somehow the act of dicing an onion on a Tuesday night seems like an insurmountable burden and I’d rather do anything else.

    • Yes, I cook most meals for myself. I work from home, so it would be more work to go out to lunch, plus eating out is usually quite unhealthy even when you get things that seem healthyish. I travel a fair amount and when I come home from a trip I always feel bloated from eating all that salty restaurant food.

    • I “can” cook but don’t like to and it’s been ages since I’ve made anything more complicated than pasta or scrambled eggs. We do a combination of restaurants/take-out (usually 2-3 nights per week), husband cooking (2-3 nights per week) and scrounging on leftovers/fridge and pantry staples (1-2 nights per week). I take frozen lunches to work.

      • I like to bake but am not an experienced cook. This is compounded by the fact that my husband spent a decade in the restaurant industry and is a phenomenal cook; planning and shopping for and making meals is his favorite “chore.” I very happily serve as chief dishwasher.

        As husband is now in a super-intense grad program, we’ve shifted the balance of cooking responsibilities somewhat, and I’m in charge of dinner at least one night a week and usually more often. (We’re both out of the house 2-3 evenings per week.) This has been daunting but also fun. I don’t sense that my prep is getting any faster–I will never rival my husband’s knife skills–but I’ve felt more confident reinterpreting recipes and finding new ways to balance our various dinner preferences (mostly vegetarian because we try to be moderate about meat, seasonal, makes enough for lunch leftovers, not so complicated that we’ll eat at 9:30pm, etc.). And I’ve had a couple real successes–mostly from Smitten Kitchen or Dinner: A Love Story–which has been nice. It’s certainly a good ego boost to be able to impress the person who makes his own homemade mole (and ice cream, and pickles, and ricotta, and pasta, and . . . ).

    • JuniorMinion :

      So I do cook but I will bite – Freezing technology / prepared food technology has never been better. Flash freezing of vegetables and the like actually sometimes makes them better than some fresh produce that has sat for a while / been transported far.

      I also think when sometimes people say “I’m not a good cook” or “I dont really cook” they may throw some chicken in a pan and steam some veggies in the microwave. I wouldn’t necessarily say I “cooked” if that was what I was making. I also don’t consider the bulk of what people like Rachel Ray and Sarah Lee do to be “cooking.” – You get all the downsides of some pre prepared food (high sodium! Processed ingredients! Lack of control!) without the upsides (No prep).

      I am also uncomfortable with making people who haven’t learned to cook for whatever reason feel shame about this and I think your question sort of does that. It is always really daunting to pick up something that you don’t know how to do and I commend anyone who is trying. I remember what it was like to be a beginning cook and have everything feel foreign.

      • +1.

      • +1

        I enjoy cooking and cook almost all of my meals, both dinner and lunch (though usually in batches that require reheating). But, I didn’t really learn most of what I know now growing up, and it’s taken me about 10 years to get from “what does cream the butter and the sugar even mean?!” to the point where I can take a look at a food blog post for inspiration and then make something up that’s more precisely suited to my specific tastes and skills. Cooking is a skill that takes years of practice to learn and improve. Some people don’t like doing it or don’t have the time but that doesn’t mean that everything they eat has to be expensive and unhealthy and the implication that it does mean that is a bit … unnecessarily shame-y.

      • ponte python's flying circus :

        +1. I enjoy cooking and the associated creativity, experimentation and skill-development, and I find it relaxing, but many people don’t. I think it’s great that today there are plenty of ways for a middle-income person to keep herself fed and healthy if she doesn’t enjoy cooking. Thank goodness for Trader Joe’s, eh.

      • Rachael Ray is definitely cooking. She almost never calls for preprepared food. In fact, I cook from her cookbooks a ton and can only think of one instance, which was when she says to use a rotisserie chicken in some Asian pasta.

        • JuniorMinion :

          Apologies in this case – After a spin through her website it looks like I am incorrect – for whatever reason in her early days she got a lot of flak associated with her “30 minute meals”

      • Sandra liked to jazz up Cool Whip by opening the container and stirring in a capful of vanilla extract. Semi home made! LOL. Oh, early 00’s cooking shows…

    • I’m perfectly capable, but don’t particularly enjoy cooking unless I’m doing it for a dinner party or big event. I don’t see the point in cooking a real dinner every day if it’s just me; it’s such an ordeal when I’ve just gotten home from a long day. I actually think I’m both healthier and less expensive the way I normally handle supper: I tend to eat much less food, typically sliced veggies, or maybe a little bit of cheese with an apple. If I’m a little hungrier, I’ll scramble an egg or two.

      • Anonymous :

        Wait your regular dinner is maybe a little bit of cheese with an apple? When do you eat actual food?

        • That’s all I’m really hungry for that late in the day. My lunch and breakfast are both normal sized, so I guess proportion-wise I get 60-80% of my daily food intake before 2ish. I really don’t need much more food than that, but will eat it if it’s available.

          • Anonymous :

            I do the same thing — don’t eat a real dinner, just a snack-like dinner. I’ve asked my doctor about it, and he said it’s actually better for your metabolism and your sleep to frontload your calories earlier in the day.

    • I can cook, I just don’t like to… idk, regular weeknight cooking is just kind of boring for me? In contrast, when I have time I do enjoy baking or making something “fancy” for fun, but that’s usually weekends or holidays. I think it’s when it becomes a chore that I stop enjoying it.

      In contrast, my partner does like to cook, so he does pretty much all our “regular” cooking. About a year ago, I did offer to get Blue Apron or something similar and do meals 1-2 nights/week to help out, but he said he’d rather make up his own meal plans and put the same amount of money towards things he picked out himself. So my contribution to making dinner usually involves opening a bottle of wine, occasionally chopping veggies when asked, and doing dishes & kitchen clean-up afterwards.

      When left to my own devices, I basically just go super simple: bagged salad mix from Costco, tuna fish sandwiches, cereal for dinner, etc. It’s functional and reasonably nutritionally balanced, just super plain and occasionally repetitive. Sort of like a stereotypical 1950’s bachelor.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m another person who can cook – pretty well, actually – but I don’t like cooking on weeknights. Husband and I had a big discussion awhile back and decided that the enjoyment we get out of every-weeknight cooked meals is not worth the stress that creating those meals causes, especially as my son gets older and has more evening activities (he does chess club once a week and karate twice a week). At the same time, we don’t want to eat out constantly. So, Tuesdays and Thursdays we make sandwiches or quesadillas, heat up soup, or make fish sticks and macaroni and cheese (we always have fruit with meals; we are basically fruitatarians at our house). Wednesdays we get takeout. DH cooks dinner on Monday and Saturday (real cooking, from scratch) and I cook dinner on Fridays and Sundays. Usually on Sunday I will make a big batch of something (soup, pasta, enchiladas, lasagna, etc) that can be used as lunches or quick dinners for the next few days. This works well for us.

        I used to pressure myself to make a homemade meal from scratch every night. It made me hate cooking. I enjoy it more now that I do it less, when I have more time for it.

    • I’m a fairly accomplished home cook and can get a healthy dinner on the table from scratch (meaning nothing from jars or cans other than olive oil) on the table in 30-45 minutes. If I’m not traveling. If I’m not working late. If there are groceries in the fridge. But all the nots of those things unfortunately happen more than I would like, so my husband “makes dinner” for himself and the kids pretty frequently.

      The air quotes seem unkind, but he himself would put them there. He doesn’t consider what he does cooking. His dinners are – canned chili with chips, jarred pasta sauce over cooked pasta, chicken apple sausages and canned baked beans heated up in the oven, “breakfast for dinner”, cereal, takeout burgers or seamless Chinese or Thai.

      I would argue that some of his cooking is actually cooking – like breakfast for dinner involves cooking bacon and frying eggs and making toast – but he is resolute in saying he does not cook.

      • Anonymous :

        “If I’m not traveling. If I’m not working late. If there are groceries in the fridge”

        This is so much the case for me. Actually having enough fresh food that I can combine into a healthy meal everyone in my family will eat requires planning and forethought that just doesn’t happen in our house sometimes. The people who say “oh, but it’s so easy!” must have some kind of system I haven’t encountered. If we’re sick, if one of us is traveling or working sequential 12-hour days, if there’s a tournament or a family gathering on the weekend that makes shopping hard to complete, then the daily wholesome home-cooked meals probably aren’t happening for us that week. We’re all healthy and we don’t eat much junk, so I’m fine with it.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      A mix of eating out, frozen meal so (TJs) and simple meals. Chicken parm with TJs chicken strips and sauce and pasta, chili mac, risotto (the one thing I can make well), salad with cut up chicken strips and nuts.

    • I listened to this great episode of the Food 52 podcast (Burnt Toast) last year, where the guest had challenged himself to “cook” all his food for 30 days. There was a great discussion of how we define cooking. For him, anything that transformed raw ingredients into a meal counted. So a tuna sandwich or a quesadilla counted as cooking. I think when people say they “can’t cook”, they mean getting out recipes, chopping up a bunch of ingredients, and cooking a full meal from scratch. But I think many, many people feed themselves in the much more simple way of throwing together a few ingredients (like pasta + jar of tomato sauce) and calling it a day.

    • I posted yesterday about cookbooks for the hapless and novice cook. I generally have a mix of take out, salads, sandwiches, pasta, simple things like that. Sometimes family or friends when visiting will leave me with a ton of food I can freeze. I asked for cookbooks and suggestions because I can’t be hapless forever, and since I have the free time, I may as well use it wisely.

      • JuniorMinion :

        I give you major props! It took me a lot of effort to get up the learning curve with cooking as I too didn’t grow up cooking with family members etc. I’m still learning and things still fail all the time – I am guessing this is a lifelong process for me.

        • Cookbooks :

          Thanks! My mother is an elaborate and intuitive cook. She’s tried to show me some simple stuff, but it’s a lot of “you just know,” which gets me nowhere. So I wrote cooking off as a tedious and futile exercise and never really gave it a shot because I didn’t know where to start.

          • You might really enjoy Julia Turshen’s “Small Victories” cookbook. Great for teaching basics and then how to apply those skills to make something similar/change it up/substitute things you have on hand.

    • I like to cook, but with a three year old, a baby, and a full time job, I don’t have time or energy. My husband loathes cooking. We do a weekly meal delivery service – fully cooked entrees delivered to our door once a week – and make a salad to go with every night. It’s expensive but right now time is my most precious resource, not money, so it’s worth it to me.

    • define cooking :

      Seconding all of this, “cooking” is kind of hard to define. I’ve always said that I don’t like to cook and that I’m not a good cook, yet I have a reputation for making delicious food, sharing tried-and-true recipes, and generally being able to “throw together” dinner. For me, I think of “cooking” more in the science-y way, that some people just know how to mix certain ingredients in specific ratios, bake/saute/whatever at certain temperatures, etc. and that’s how they make AMAZING food. So sure, I cook, but I don’t really consider myself a chef. Maybe that’s the difference, the standards between taking raw ingredients and putting them together in a safe/reasonably tasty way vs. a culinary masterpiece. And honestly, for me, there’s a huge gender component associated with my reason for still proclaiming that I’m bad at cooking and I don’t like it. Namely, I grew up in the South, where good girls cook meals for their hard-working husbands while raising well-behaved childrens. Sorry, but I’ve got a career to build, and my husband is a functioning adult who can feed himself. He doesn’t need or want his little wifey to have dinner ready when he walks in the door… and I have no desire to be a wifey that has time to cook scrumptious dinners every night of the week.

      • Anonymous :

        Oh please. You’re a good cook and you know it. Not a chef sure but you aren’t bad at cooking

    • Anonymous :

      I do not cook. I don’t know how to cook, what little I’ve done I didn’t like, and I have no plan to learn. My husband cooks, or I have cereal, toast, or frozen pizza.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t cook. I also don’t ever eat what most people would consider a meal. I eat 5-7 smaller meals throughout the day, what most people would consider snacks. Greek yogurt, hard boiled eggs, lots of raw fruit and vegetables, grocery store prepared small salads, raw nuts, etc. Rinse and repeat every day.

    • I think a lot of people who say they “can’t cook” mean different things from what the OP is implying. When I say I “can’t cook,” I mean that I am uncomfortable preparing a meal for a group of people. As an adult with a functioning kitchen, I can in fact feed myself without eating takeout for every meal, but I’m not hosting any dinner parties. There are a lot of meals that I make that I don’t consider “cooking” (see similar things to what others posted about pasta, frozen veggies, and salads), but do sometimes involve me turning on a stove or breaking out a knife and cutting board.

  11. Primary care questions :

    I’m seeing a new PCP for the first time this afternoon. What questions do you ask your primary care doctor? I have a thyroid condition so I’m going to ask her to check that, but what other blood work should I be asking for? Will also ask her for a pap, of course. Thank you!

    • Ask him/her what is the number one thing you could be doing to improve or maintain your health.

      Your doctor will know what tests to order based off what information you provide (your age, medical history, family history, among others). Yes, of course, ask about your thyroid and ask if you are due for a pap, but use the time to ask questions that can help you get/stay healthier, rather than asking her questions about what to order.

    • Some of what to do depends on your age, family history, and personal risk factors. So come in prepared to tell the doctor your history.

      I would talk with her about what her traditional recommendations are for screening (which is the main job of a primary care doc these days).

      How often should I have a PAP and why? Will you do that, or is there a GYN you recommend?
      When should I start mammograms or how often should I get them and why?
      When should we check my cholesterol, blood sugar and why?

      They should examine you, check your blood pressure, and check your weight every visit.

      If you know you have a thyroid condition, let her know if you will have an endocrinologist following you to manage that long term. If not, discuss with her how often to follow your thyroid tests.

      And then I completely agree… talk with her about what other things you should be considering to keep yourself healthy. A good PCP should be asking you about diet, exercise, substance use (ex. smoking/ETOH/rec drugs), mental health every visit.

    • full of ideas :

      Why would you get a PAP from your PCP? I only get vag exams from a GYN

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        I typically get my pap/pelvic exam/breast exam from my PCP. I just get this done at my annual physical. Saves a doctor appointment. Obviously this is different if you have concerns or issues that require a specialist to evaluate them.

      • A well trained PCP does pelvic exams. They are not technically difficult. If you don’t have any specific issues/GYN disorders, then going to only one doctor per year instead of 2 is very convenient.

        But most GYNs should NOT be your primary care doctor…. This is a mistake many younger women make. Get a general PCP.

  12. Desk Accoutrements :

    Sorry for the spelling error

    • housecounsel :

      I’d want my cholesterol checked, and depending on your age you might be due for a mammogram or other baseline screening. Perhaps just ask about what preventive maintenance she suggests? I’d want to make sure I am not prediabetic, but I am not sure what that blood test is called.

    • This is the most confusing thread.

  13. So, I can be obsessive about a lot of things. Random things, even. For example, I’m wearing a new dress today. I LOVE the color, but does it really fit? I sized up when I bought it, and now I think it needs to be tailored. But does it really? etc. I already decided to take it to the tailor later along with other tailoring I have to have done. So it’s not like I’m trying to make a decision. I just can’t let this one go! And I’m like that with various things most of the time. At least right now I’m obsessing over something relatively benign and not how awful my inlaws are to me or something like that. This doesn’t really impact my life a ton, and my life is pretty great. But I’d really like to not obsess so much.

    Any practical tips that don’t involve therapy?

    • Medication.

    • JuniorMinion :

      I have a tendency to get up in my head as well. I would say try to redirect yourself when you feel these things coming on. Go for a walk, accomplish something, do a workout, etc. Also take some time every day to meditate or do something like it (yoga / breathing exercise / etc)

      You aren’t going to like this but part of what has helped me in life is having real problems. My husband has been struggling from a job perspective and I have crappy parents and I can’t do a d*mn thing about either of these situations – no amount of worrying / mental activity on my part is going to fix them so I have had to get better at letting go.

    • I’m like that. When I find its interfering with work or other functioning, I make a list of everything I need to get done. Like, today’s list has work items, Saturday’s list has take things to the tailor.

      Once the obsessive thing is on the list it helps me let go of it and focus on the satisfaction of checking things off my “do today” list.

  14. Can anyone in Washington DC advise me on how to dress for a luncheon hosted by the congressional club at the Washington Hilton? I’m thinking of renting a sheath in a spring-ey color from RTR. Is that on the right path?

    • Business formal. what you are thinking could work but this depends more on your industry. I alwayserr on the side of formal for anything Congrgessional Club and the like.

    • Wildkitten :

      Is it on a weekday?

      • It’s on a Wednesday. I’m not going in a professional capacity, it’s for family/guests of family of congresspeople. I was thinking it might be sort of a ladies who lunch vibe, but that’s only because it’s specifically for spouses of congresspeople.

    • I’d do a solid-color sheath dress and blazer. Probably no need for a statement piece if thats why you want to do RTR.

      • Anonymous :

        This is what I wear to every event in DC during the workweek basically, unless it’s black tie.

  15. new poster :

    One of my friends reads this blog every day and told me that posters here give good advice, so here goes: At what point do you move the education section to below the professional experience section on your resume?

    Context: I’m 8 months into my first post-college job (graduated last May & started the job in August) It’s not working out for a variety of reasons, so I’ve decided to start looking elsewhere. I went to an ivy league school, so maybe it’s better to showcase my academic credentials rather than highlight that I’m looking again after only 8 months on the job. However, I also want my resume to show that I have nearly a year of professional experience at an internationally known company (in addition to summer internships) so that it’s clear I would bring more to the table than a 2017 grad. Searching online for resume templates didn’t yield much that applies to my specific situation and alumni career services are nonexistent at my alma mater, so I’m turning here for advice.

    • I’m not a resume expert, but I’m 15 years out of college and more than 10 years out from my grad degree, and the education category is still first. I thought that was just traditional.

    • I don’t think there’s a firm line, but there comes a point where employers are more interested in your work experience than what you did in school x number of years ago. I did it about 5 years out of law school.

    • I switched my education (Ivy undergrad and law school) to the bottom after I started in Biglaw.

      For you, I’d keep it at the top for now, but don’t list Every Single Thing you did in college. Make room for more substantive topics underneath your two “real” jobs.

    • Yay Kat! I ABSOLUTELY love this blouse! I will get it even if the manageing partner does NOT reimurse me for it b/c it is beautiful!!!!!! I just have to remember NEVER to eat spagetti w/Marinara sauce wearing this blouse. FOOEY!

      As for the OP, let me help. Once you have 1 or 2 RESPONSIBLE jobs, you can move the “education” portion of your resume down below the “expereince” portion. Dad told me that as a lawyer, once you are more then 8 year’s out of school, no one cares where you went to law school but what you have DONE for the last 8 years. I am now 8 years out and do NOT have a resume prepared, but my old one had my schooling up front, primarily b/c the onley law jobs I had were summer jobs and serveing subpeenies, which was NOT that impressive. Now, Dad says, if I put together a new resume, I will show my job here, includeing both my status as an associate and a partner for my firm.

      Good luck to you, as I am sure the HIVE will have different views on this, but these views are my DAD’s, and he is MENSA eligibel. YAY!!!!!

    • http://www.askamanager.org/2013/11/when-should-i-move-education-to-the-bottom-of-my-resume.html

    • I think you’re too junior to move education to the bottom, plus the fact that you went to an Ivy is a plus and that should be prominently displayed. I would leave it as is. I’m 8 years out of law school and still put my education first.

      • Outside of the law field (or maybe academia?) I can’t imagine doing this. I’d roll my eyes hard at somebody who put their education above their practical work experience “because it was an Ivy,” and if their resume came across my desk I’d think that was tone-deaf in general.

        • JuniorMinion :

          I’d probably think they were Andy Bernard in the flesh….and would decline to interview them as I would suspect they suffered from special snowflake syndrome

        • But she’s only 8 months out of her first post-college job. Not sure why she would put her education at the bottom of her resume. Also, to clarify, I most definitely did not go to an Ivy. :)

          • Anon in NYC :

            I agree – 8 months out of college, education still went at the top of my resume. I changed the format of my resume about 4 years post-law school when I was looking to move from Biglaw.

          • JuniorMinion :

            In business fields (My experience is in finance strategy), you put your education at the bottom of your resume because you acknowledge that the most important thing to employers is going to be your relevant work experience. I know there are fields where education is important on an ongoing basis but the view in finance is that education serves as something of a gatekeeper – but any work experience (even internships) is more valuable than schooling.

            If OP only had internships they should still be the bulk of the material on her resume.

        • I’m ten years out and my education is still at the top of my resume. The difference between now and ten years ago is that my education is now just two quick bullet points. I’ve long since ditched any detail related to education besides the degree, the university, and the years attended.

    • You move it when your professional accomplishments significantly outweigh your academic ones and your education is long past. A year out of school probably isn’t time. The goal is to have people read the “best” part of your resume first before they get bored, and the presumption is people won’t read the whole thing. Personally, I’ve always reviewed the whole thing and I think it’s a “doesn’t matter” issue. That said, I don’t remember exactly when I flipped education below experience, but it was probably after a couple of professional jobs, so around 10 years out.

    • JuniorMinion :

      My education is last and that is standard in finance for anyone in the workforce. The only caveat to this would be if you had leadership positions in college you can leave them on your resume still at this point right below education so the sections should go Relevant Experience -> Education -> Leadership (aka non work important things you did in college -> Skills and Certifications (Don’t put microsoft office here. If I see another resume with microsoft office listed as a skill I will cry – It’s like saying “skilled in breathing”)-> Interests.

      If you are in finance / business / something adjacent wallstreet o a s i s. c o m (delete the spaces) has a great resume template for professionals that should suit your needs – search for “WSO Experience Resume template”

      • JuniorMinion :

        Sorry that’s ExperienceD resume template – clearly I need more coffee. One more thing – and this may be field specific (ie in medical / law / specifically certified fields degrees matter more) but in anything business / finance oriented good schools are valuable in that they help you get your foot in the door but it doesn’t necessarily translate into many advantages after that. I would caution you against putting too much weight on where you went to school and would spend more time articulating on your resume the things you have done / learned in your current role and making sure your “story” of why you are looking to leave your first job post college in less than a year is strong.

    • I went a well-known university and moved my education under my experience at my first professional job, post-internships. I later earned my graduate degree full-time but just added it to the top. In my professional field, after you’ve been working for about a year, nobody cares where you went to school.

      OP, can you as some colleagues in your industry what’s standard? A mentor, somebody on your team who is a year or two ahead of you, etc?

      +1 to reading askamanager!

    • Seven years out of law school and I still have the education section first. My guess is that I’ll always have it first. As a 2017 grad, there is no way you shouldn’t have it first. They’ll still see your professional experience too.

    • Welcome!

      Might depend a little on the job you’re applying for – for jobs that have your particular education focus as a minimum qualification, highlight that up front. If they are looking for someone with x years experience in the field you work in, highlight that first.

      If the minimum qualifications are unclear, I would err on the side of education first, for someone at your level.

    • This sounds like an excellent question for the blog AskAManager

      • It is, and in fact somebody already commented with her answer: http://www.askamanager.org/2013/11/when-should-i-move-education-to-the-bottom-of-my-resume.html

    • Keep in mind that these days, many companies machine-scan resumes and then use software to search for keywords related to the position. So probably where your education is placed in the resume isn’t important as having the important keywords in there somewhere. As someone who has read bazillions of resumes, I prefer to see the person’s relevant skills and experience in bullet form first to save me from searching all through the resume for what I want to know.

  16. Following on a similar post yesterday- how much do you think being attractive/ generally good looking matters for a woman’s upward career mobility?

    • Really? What is to gain from this thread?

      • +1. OP, I’ve heard of studies about more conventionally attractive people being hired/promoted more frequently, etc. but that is hardly the way the world should work or the message I would send people. As long as you are generally well-groomed, that is all that should be expected.

      • Anonymous :

        +1000

    • I think this is something maybe implicitly biased for both women and men. Is this something that I want to support? Obv not.

  17. How often do you reach out to your busy friends – the types w executive jobs, young kid, active extended family life? I have such a friend that I love and we see each other maybe 4-6 times a yr now that we’re in the same city – 2-3 of those times will be at industry events while the rest will be drinks/dinner w just us. Just got drinks w her a month ago and already I’m feeling like – wow I miss her. She’s fun to hang with plus I’m going thru a rough patch professionally (very common in our field) so it’s good to be able to chat w someone who gets it. She’s the type who is everyone’s mentor and advisor at work, family, in life – I know she loves that role but I do think there are times it’s too much bc she does complain about junior employees who feel ok complaining to her about everything in life from work to boyfriend issues. So point is – I’m looking to maintain an equal friendship – not a therapist or career counselor relationship. How much is too much in terms of reaching out?

    • I honestly don’t think there’s too much unless you’re reaching out multiple times a week/month depending on how your friendship works. If you’re both friends and enjoy each other’s company, I think once every 3-6 weeks is probably ok to hang out if you both have the time. Just reach out and say you want to grab drinks and gauge her response.

      • Agree with every 3-6 weeks. Lunches during the week are the easiest thing for me to say yes to as it doesn’t involve switching up kid logistics on the weekends/evenings. Maybe alternate a place close to her office and one close to your office and dinner/drinks on occasion.

    • I call/text/email my friends whenever I want to communicate or see them. If they decline, I don’t push. Don’t avoid inviting her out because you’ve judged she doesn’t have time for you. But when you do hang out treat her as a friend not a dumping ground for your issues.

      • +1 If she’s too busy, she’ll say no. If she doesn’t say no and is overwhelmed, she needs to manage that, not you.

    • Marshmallow :

      Do you text periodically in addition to getting together every couple of months? Keeping up a text conversation every week or two can be a nice middle ground instead of trying to work another get-together into both of your schedules. It sounds like it might help to bounce things off each other on a more regular basis. Maybe wait another week or two and then suggest meeting up within the next few weeks when she’s free.

      Honestly, and I’m sorry this won’t be what you want to hear, but friends who tell me how much they miss me or try to arrange another outing when we’ve JUST seen each other can get a little annoying to me. My weekends are already booked out for at least a month and I work late most weeknights. Seeing friends every 2-3 months is often all that fits in my schedule and I don’t like to be made to feel guilty about it.

      • I agree with keeping the convo going by text. I am a busy mom and professional too, and I have friends I consider good friends who I only see in person twice a year!

      • I think OP DOES see this friend every 2-3 months. Not too big of a deal to reach out a MONTH after an outing and try to schedule another one in a few weeks — by the time it gets scheduled it will have been 1.5 months or more since the last get together. I do agree re – “OMG I missed you so much, let’s do this again, how’s next week” being tough when you’re working long hours.

    • If a friend I see 4-6 times/yr (so every 2-3 months) reached out 1 month after we got drinks and wanted to plan something – I would view that as excessive. If you reach out now or next wk – it’ll be 5 wks since you hung out; sometimes w busy ppl you have to schedule a week or 2 in advance -so you’re looking at meeting up 6-7 weeks after last time. Not excessive AT ALL. Excessive is when you get drinks on a Thursday and then email again on Monday for another happy hr that Thursday. That tends to annoy even the nicest of busy parents bc they are thinking their spouse JUST covered bedtime last week so they could go out or they missed last weeks soccer practice for some me-time and can’t do that weekly. Plus it’s good that you ARE thinking about the fact that it should be an equal friendship, not you just sharing your stuff bc she’s a good advisor. Reality is even the best of advisors want to be asked how they’re doing – and if there’s nothing to share them they appreciate talking about pop culture or news or whatever just like anyone else.

  18. Thanks for everyone’s thoughts in response to my question about pharmaceutical company’s yesterday! I can’t say I agreed with everyone’s opinions, but I learned a lot and ended up discussing this with my SO as well. I appreciate the community we’ve got here.

  19. I’ll have a free weekend at the tail end of a work trip to Greece this summer (tough life, I know). What should I do? I don’t want to lay on a beach the whole time, but all I hear is that you can’t go to Greece and not visit the islands. I like hiking and history, and should have time to visit the Acropolis during the week so don’t need to carve out space for that. I’ll be traveling solo if that matters for your recommendations. Thanks in advance–I’ve never been before and I’m so excited!

    • Fly to Santorini! It’s one of the most beautiful places on earth, and has great hiking as well. There are beaches but it’s not a “beach place” in the way the Caribbean is.

    • Island + beaches + night life = Mykonos

    • Anonymous :

      Get the heck out of Athens as soon as you can ;)

      For hiking and history, Crete is the place. You can go to Knossos and Chania for history, Samaria Gorge for hiking, and elafonisi beach for sand. I’m concerned about being able to do it all in a weekend, though.

      For a weekend in Greece, you really should just relax on an island. Santorini is relaxing, but it’s for lounging by the pool with wine and watching the sunset – not going to the beach (which are pretty awful, actually). And it’s mainly couples. I’d think about Mykonos.

    • Anonymous :

      For someone who enjoys hiking, I’d definitely recommend Santorini over Mykonos. The latter is really all about the club scene. I know some people love it but it was not my cup of tea at all, and I would not recommend it at all unless you would say that nightlife/partying is a major interest of yours.

      I went to Santorini with friends so I feel like I can offer a bit of perspective on the romance thing. The island is definitely a romantic spot and there will be lots of couples, but we also saw lots of families (thanks, cruise ships), 20- and 30-somethings traveling with friends, and solo travelers. I didn’t feel like an oddity being there without a partner. We took a scenic boat cruise around the island that we loved. We had a great time doing the hike from Oia to Fira, which is very scenic and also a good workout. We also rented motorbikes and drove around and that was surprisingly fun despite not being something I would normally do. The beaches are not as nice as on some other Greek islands and definitely nothing like tropical beaches, but they are still fun to visit, and in the summer the water will be really nice for swimming. We did spend some time lounging by the pool, eating apps and drinking wine, which was fun. I think you can see Santorini very nicely in two days, which is probably not true of Crete (but I haven’t been to Crete).

      I am that weirdo who actually loved Athens, but I agree that if you’re spending the better part of the week there for work, you should try to see Athens in the evenings and then go somewhere else for the weekend.

  20. Nail polish recommendation needed please! I’m obsessed with the blush/pale pink trend for spring, and I feel like every pale pink nail polish I try (OPI, Essie, etc) doesn’t “finish” well. I’ve found this before with solid (non-shimmer) pale pink nail polishes…it ends up looking kind of “chalky” or “streaky”. Do you know what I mean? Any holy grails?

    • I do know what you mean and the only way I can get those shades to look good is to get a professional mani.

      Watching what they do, it’s a thin first coat and a thick second coat, but I still can’t recreate that perfect look at home.

    • This is why I switched to gel nail and ultimately dip powder — I definitely noticed this more with traditional nail polishes. No advice on polishes that don’t do this. I found doing two extremely thin coats followed by a thicker coat then a top coat helped a bit?

    • Look for a pink that doesn’t use white as a base. I find that the ones with white as a base are streakier. I’m sorry that I can’t be more helpful and offer you any actual suggestions though (because all of mine do this and I just live with it and apply three really thin coats).

    • Pastels ALWAYS do this on me, even professional manicures. I therefore use sheer pinks (e.g., Essie’s Sugar Daddy) rather than white-based pinks.

    • My favorite is the Fairy Tailor Essie gel couture (the twisty bottles). Unlike other gels it comes off easily with regular remover.

      • It’s not true gel/shellac then, just a marketing twist on regular polish. :-)

        • Nail Polish Obsessed :

          It is not a true gel, but OMG IT IS SO GOOD. I am someone who is super hard on my nails. With normal polish (even normal essie polish) I can keep a self mani looking respectable for about 2-3 days maz. I have gotten 12 days out of Essie Gel Couture, with only minor touch ups. I can easily get a full week out of it without any touchups. I recommend trying it! Also the UV lamps used with gel make me worried about skin exposure, so this system skips that part!

        • Wildkitten :

          I think about this a lot and I think that while it is a marketing twist to use the word “gel” there is also lots of new nail polish science and I think it is better than regular polish.

    • essie amusing bouche

    • Anonymous :

      I just had this happen to me with a pedicure that I did myself, it was yeeecch. I just decided to go with more shimmery/pearlescent colors from now on, as I’m too cheap to go get my nails or toes done.

    • anonypotamus :

      I’ve had luck with essie’s topless and barefoot – its a blush/pinky nude and was not streaky on me. I try to put down a thin layer first and a thicker second layer. I also started using a non-clear basecoat for certain colors. I purchased it on accident but found that it created a better layer under many of the pastels/pearly colors.

    • Essie Sugar Daddy. use your favorite base coat or not, then I do one coat for light, my nails but nicer, and two coats for a nice pink, topped with the essie top coat.

  21. Overthinking :

    I need to hire a dog walker but my apartment has some complicated (to me) security. We have an electronic key to open the gate and then a physical key to the apartment. I can make a copy of the physical key, but we have a strict one gate key per leaseholder policy . The leasing office is separate from the apartment building, so there is no super or anyone to ring. This means the dog walker would have to use the call box, which forwards to my cell phone, and wait for me to buzz them in remotely every single time. I know I’m overthinking this, but has anyone done this? It sounds like such an inconvenience to the dog walker. Obviously I would know around what time to watch for my phone but work stuff happens. Should I offer to pay more? Would this turn you off to the job?

    • Veronica Mars :

      No. Just explain. If it’s during a busy period, they might be able to walk in when someone else walks out as well (for high rise and high occupancy buildings)

    • Has anyone else in your building navigated this? Maybe with cleaning service or child care? I’m not a dog walker but have a low threshold for inconvenience. I would probably reject this job if there are easier ones I can do instead. I also think it would be pretty irritating for you after a few times.

    • This level of security actually sounds really standard to me. Most friends I know who live in apartment complexes have similar set ups. Ask the dog walker you’re thinking about hiring how she/he handles it; I’m sure they’ve encountered it before.

      • Agree, or ask your neighbors what walker they use, and hire the same one, since they already have found a way to get access.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Thinking creatively here. Will this be a daily situation? If so, do you have the ability to buzz yourself in from your phone as a visitor? If so, give your gate pass to the dog walker. When you have to get in, buzz yourself and use your phone to let yourself in.

      • Agree that there’s a creative solution. Say that you lost your old swipe in order to get a new one? Tell them you have a friend staying with you for a few weeks and need a temporary access swipe for her? This level of security is standard for apartment buildings, and they all usually guest badges or work-arounds. I’d also talk to my neighbors and find out what dog walker they use…then the walker already has a badge (or, if you don’t want to use the same one, you can find out how their dog walker gets access to the building).

    • Talk to your leasing company/property manager. We had the same set-up with electronic fobs and physical keys – $50 and a copy of my dogwalker’s driver’s license later, and we got an extra fob for her exclusive use.

  22. Great story on BackChannel on Sheryl Sanberg’s new coauthored book Option B. I cannot wait to read it!

  23. Lularoe amelia dress in a solid color. This should be okay for my office that’s business casual, right? Thoughts on price/quality?

    • I bought one thinking I could wear to work and honestly, I think the fabric is super cheap for the price. It’s what I would expect in a $30 target dress, not $65. Beyond that, was not a flattering style on me ( if you are busty or short waisted run!) so I ended up reselling on Poshmark.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Should be fine, but I’ve seen a bunch of articles recently that Lularoe is TERRIBLE quality. Plus the MLM angle…

      I find this kind of dress at Nordstrom Rack, Target, and Gap.

      • I usually avoid MLM like the plague but a friend bought one at a party and it’s too small for her. Can’t decide if I want to buy it from her.

      • Baconpancakes :

        After I looked it up, I was a little interested in the Amelia, but I’m loathe to buy it from my friend throwing a party next weekend because I think it will encourage her. She’s trying to supplement her income after she and her fiance broke up, but it’s taken over her life and I think it’s not a good choice. Not finding anything similar right now, though.

  24. Anonymous :

    I’m finding myself with hurt feelings in friend situations lately and I’m wondering how much is normal and how much is me.

    I like to have a few close friends. My BFF passed away a few years ago. After that I went into business with a friend. We had different expectations regarding workload and the friendship ended. My other close friend at that time said I was being judgy and sided with the other woman so that relationship also ended. (My expectation was if you own a business you work on it at least full time, not hire and walk away)

    Since then I’ve been friendly with coworkers and other moms but haven’t had a close friend. Recently 2 moms and I have been developing a friendship but I’m finding myself feeling left out (my son wasn’t invited to one of their sons bday party this week is just an example, I invited them over a few weeks ago, 4 families were invited only 1 came no one rsvped anything) I feel like ghosting because my feelings are hurt but I would like to have women to do things with.
    As I’m writing this I’m thinkingtherapy might be the answer. I went after BFF died but mostly for grief.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Therapy is almost always helpful! Give it a try and see where it leads!

      I’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now!

    • I’m in therapy because of this issue! I’ve been going for about 4 weeks and I think it’s helping me. My treatment plan is out until July, which sounds like forever, but I’m hoping to end treatment with a few friends and a feeling of peace/self-confidence/trust about my friends!

      I have past trauma around close friends “betraying” me, starting with mean-girl-out-of-the-blue shunning in 7th grade…typical shifting of alliances in high school and college…cheating boyfriends…and finally, a close female mentor breaking my confidence to publicly confront another close friend of mine. I feel incredibly burned and I know I’ve put up walls around myself, but at the same time I’m really lonely. I don’t want to live like this.

      Go!

    • As far as these 2 specific Mom friends, I would say to write out what you’re feeling about each separate situation (Kids Party, No Shows at Your Party). Think about your emotional response, what unhelpful thoughts kind of pile on to make you feel worse, and then list the “evidence” of your interactions with them.

      You’ll probably step back and see that you’ve had multiple POSITIVE interactions with them, and then be able to calmly put the lack of invitation/no RSVP into perspective as signs of busyness/cluelessness rather than deliberate snubs. But again, I think a therapist is the best to help with this!

      • Anonymous :

        Thank you so much for this. There have been so many more positive interactions but I’m hung up on these silly little things.

    • I’m so sorry about your bff.

      I love therapy, so if you are open to it, I don’t think it can hurt to go talk to someone.

      Otherwise, are you reaching out to these women to make plans? If you aren’t, then I would start there. Does your son know their sons? Presume good intentions and start asking them to do things with you and go from there.

    • I feel like making new super close friends is really hard if not impossible later in life. People get busy and don’t have the time or energy to devote to deep, deep friendships.

      Like, I have a long time friend whom I love dearly. Over the last couple of years, she had two bad relationships in a row and needed lots of girlfriend time (you know, the kind where you drink a bottle of wine and go over every nuance of every word of a text message) and I just did not have the time anymore. I wish I did and I wish I could be there more for her, but I have kids and a full time + job with travel, and I already can’t find the time to work out.

      I might get a girls night out maybe once a month but that kind of deep friendship takes lots and lots of one-on-one time together and as we get older, we pick up more responsibilities and just can’t fit all that in

      I think you are expecting too much from the women you meet socially. Spread your circle wider and keep it light and casual. Over time, and I’m talking years, you might find you have a closer friendship with some member of your very wide circle, but it needs to happen organically. You can’t force it. I would think it was very weird and off putting if you were trying to go deep with me early into a casual friendship.

  25. Wardrobe Consultant :

    Hoping this is not a repeat thread. I need to upgrade my work wardrobe for a likely promotion when current GC retires. We are business casual except at very top. Has anyone used the services of a wardrobe consultant? Don’t want a store stylist bc will feel compelled to buy, plus want to ensure access to online sites like m lafluer. Good or bad experiences? Experience with virtual consultant? Am exhausted trying to figure this out on my own and I keep making expensive mistakes.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Nordstrom Personal Shopper is recommended here allll the time.

    • There are bloggers out there who do wardrobe consultations but I haven’t seen one who has a clue about how to dress professionally and elegantly in the way that you’re looking for. I might start with a Nordstrom shop, or Saks or Neiman Marcus if you want to go higher end, which you might, and get the business fundamentals covered. Then ad hoc fill in your wardrobe after you have the basics down

    • If you do Nordstrom, ask your friends to recommend a consultant that they have had good experience with. And when they ask for your preferences/details before the appointment on email, skew them conservative/work-appropriate. Even research the departments ahead of time to be sure you are assigned a person from the department who will be appropriate.

      I learned the hard way. I did a consult in my 30’s, and my very young Nordstrom employee brought me tight skinny jeans, long flow-y tops, and lots of Theory stuff. I am a pear shaped doctor and none of these things was appropriate for work-wear. She was from the wrong department.

      I also felt compelled to buy, and spent a crazy amount on one pair of Theory pants (almost $300) which of course didn’t fit me right but they tailored them on the spot. And after tailoring, they didn’t fit well and I never wore them once. A better consultant would have taken the time to look at my body shape and know Theory was not the line for me.

    • Angie at YouLookFab does this. She is based in the Northwest US ( Seattle maybe?) and posts a great blog with more general style tips, but her main thing is wardrobe guidance.

  26. I’m struggling to find a restaurant for graduation weekend in DC for a Saturday night in May. We have a party of 10. My two options are at Convivial for 5:00 or Osteria Morini at 9:30. Both times are pretty inconvenient, and Opentable is pretty sparse. Any out of the box ideas? Right now I’m considering catering and using my apartment’s party room (though that’s not at all cheap with my building’s ridiculous room rental rates).

    • Anonymous :

      Yeesh, it is always so hard to get reservations in DC, let alone for 10 people. I loved Convivial, FWIW. Out-of-the-box ideas would be to arrange some sort of a picnic in a park in the city (but you’d have to find a place where you could have cover if it rains) or at a vineyard 45 minutes or so away in Virginia (some have covered picnic areas you could use, I think). The second would probably mean also arranging transportation.

    • ALX emily :

      No good suggestions, unfortunately, but maybe try calling some places directly? They might just not accept Open Table reservations for such a large group.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. Also, a lot restaurants only set aside so many tables for reservations, but for a large, profitable group they may be willing to accommodate you if you call.

        • Yeah, I’ve only had success so far with calling. That’s how I was able to snag those two. Calling helps, but they cant accommodate anything extra at the main time window (6-9).

      • Anonymous :

        Also this. A lot of places won’t take parties over 8 via OpenTable.

    • Anonymous :

      Osteria Morini is one of my favorite restaurants in the city — you could call and see if they could get you in earlier. 10 people is enough to put you in private event space for most restaurants (we did this recently at Rasika)

    • Anonymous :

      Would you consider another place? Zatinya is great and will easily fit 10.

    • Carmines?

    • I recently had a reservation for 18 at the Majestic in Old Town— it was very fun, and I made the reservation just a week in advance for a 5:00 p.m. Saturday dinner. Highly recommend, and you can enjoy other things in Old Town as well.

  27. I think I handled a situation really well, but I feel somehow really bad about it. A (slightly younger, male) colleague came into my office to make a joke that relied on a negative stereotype. I called him out on it and compared it to making a joke with a more universally understood negative stereotype, and asked him if he could see that it was similar. He said he did, and apologized for offending me – I said I wasn’t offended, but I didn’t appreciate the joke and think it’s important to actively combat stereotypes. The conversation was a bit longer than that and looking back, I wouldn’t really do or say anything differently – I’m glad I pushed back. Is it just conflict-aversion that is making me feel so bad about it? I almost wanted to go apologize for making him uncomfortable, which obviously makes me feel like a bad feminist.

    • Anonymous :

      Good job :) Definitely don’t apologize, but maybe make an effort over the next few days to be friendly so that he knows you still like and respect him (or at least that you aren’t offended by the sight of him…), so that it doesn’t develop into a weird “thing” around the office.

      • Anonymous :

        +1

        Confronting stereotypes can feel awkward but it is important. His reaction was good so don’t worry/feel awkward about your interactions with him going forward.

    • Thanks, ladies. That’s what I needed to hear!

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