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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Waverly Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. 

This looks like a great, simple, very sleek collarless blazer from Rag & Bone. I love the darts and the seams on the back, and also the textured edging. (Note that it’s marked “dry clean” and not “dry clean only.”) The blazer is $595 at Saks and comes in sizes 00-12. Rag & Bone Waverly Blazer

There’s a more affordable option here (also in plus sizes).

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Comments

  1. Photo Book Recommendations? :

    I know this has been discussed before but I can’t seem to find it. I’m trying to put together a photo book for a gift and wondering if there are particular sites people like for this. Any recommendations?

    • I prefer mixbook. They frequently have sales, so I will make my book and just wait for a sale to purchase.

      • I second mixbook. I have made lots of books with them and they have turned out really well. I researched a lot of different websites for photo books and liked Mixbook the best because everything is so customizable.

    • I like artifact uprising’s books – they have both a wedding/hard paper line and a more casual/soft pages one too.

      • Second artifact uprising. They are pricey but beautiful.

        I’ve also really liked shutterfly and mixbook, preference probably for shutterfly?

        • Senior Attorney :

          +1 for Shutterfly. For a small fee they will do a first draft and then you can play around with it.

    • Adoramapix is my preferred site. Coupon codes change about once a month.

    • I used Snapfish and, while designing the book took some time, the results were awesome.

    • Photo Book Recommendations? :

      Wonderful, thank you!

  2. Anonymous :

    Is there a way to communicate to my biglaw office that my planned “vacation” is a mental health break, not a fun vacation, such that the partners might actually leave me alone? The partners I work for are generally pretty good, it’s not like they’re asking me to draft briefs on vacation, but they’ll ask me to jump on a client call “for just a minute” (read: an hour, and I have to prep for the call and get back to the hotel etc. – so it’s a good half day gone). And of course all the partners do this, but no one communicates so everyone thinks I’ve had all this time off except for that one call, when really most of my vacation got eaten up. Generally it’s fine, I’m glad to be indispensable, I just do my best to plan around it.

    But this “vacation” is different and I’m not sure how or if I can communicate that. I planned this time off around the days that my divorce is going to be final. I’m barely holding it together. I’ve been trying to take a day off and haven’t been able to, even on the weekends. I’m getting increasingly anxious, irritable, and distracted. I cry daily. Is there a way I can communicate, “No really I’m not available this time and don’t act like this is a happy fun vacation because it’s not and I’m going to jump off the nearest building if I get another ‘just a minute’ request.”

    • anon associate :

      Don’t. There is NO way this will be good for you. The only thing it will do is raise a red flag to them that you can’t hack it/aren’t a team player (yeah, it’s total BS, no, that doesn’t matter in biglaw). Unless you have a partner you truly trust who has a consistent record of supporting you, recognizing and respecting you’re a human being with emotions, and who has gone to bat for you and has the power to protect you, don’t.

      I would lie and say a family member is having surgery or something and say you won’t be available. YMMV, at my former firm that (or even death in the family) wouldn’t have been good enough for some partners. Others would have respected it.

      • I am out of the office until X, with limited availability. For emergencies, please contact (my admin), who will know how to reach me.”

        No one will bother tracking you down.

    • Anonymous :

      “I am not going to have access to email or cell service as I’m traveling remotely.”

      • The thing is, then they ask where I’m going, why won’t I have email access, I must have reception SOMEWHERE, just let them know when I have cell reception and they’ll work with my schedule.

        • Anonymous :

          “The woods. I won’t have cell service, and I’m not available. BYE.” Be firm.

          • Thanks. Do I include that in my out of office message too? Usually I say, I am out of the office and have limited access to email, please contact ___.”

          • Anonymous :

            I think that message is fine. And then don’t reply to emails!

          • Anonymous :

            OP, I’d go with “I am out of the office and will not have access to email or cell phone. I will be back in the office on DATE. Please contact________ for emergencies.”

          • Not just don’t reply – don’t check. If you check, you’ll get stressed.

          • Don’t even say limited access. Say no access to email.

        • Veronica Mars :

          I’m going camping with no way to recharge my cell.

        • “I’m going to spend a few days at a friend’s cabin in Aroostook county in Maine.” There is no cell service there.

          • I have a friend who went to the Amazon jungle – literally – to get away from her job last year. See also:
            – I’ll be at a yoga retreat at a ranch in Montana, no cell phones allowed
            -I’ll be hiking the Appalachian or Pacific Coast trail
            -I’ll be on a remote island in the Florida Keys/Caribbean/South Pacific
            -I’ll be hiking the Scottish Moors/in the Caucasus Mountains/in the Gobi desert/in a remote part of Costa Rica or Vietnam

            I would recommend you consider actually going someplace they can’t reach you, if the problem is this bad.

          • When I worked for a law firm headquartered in Minnesota, every attorney went to the Boundary Waters every summer. I know the Boundary Waters are awesome but…every summer? Instead of going to their lakefront cabin up north?

        • Anonymous :

          Cuba

        • Anonymous :

          “I won’t have email/cell access because I plan to unplug completely. I’m letting you know this so you don’t expect to get a hold of me like you did on prior vacations.”

          • I wouldn’t use this passive-aggressive phrasing. Say it’s a camping trip instead like others suggested. I’m sorry it’s been rough for you and I hope you get to unplug – you deserve it.

          • Wow, I wouldn’t say it this way even at my low-key company. This is both passive aggressive and flippant.

        • lost academic :

          Cruise.

        • lost academic :

          “I am not taking my cell phone.” Full stop.

    • Oh, that’s tough. I’m so sorry. Do you have one partner that you’re closer with that you could share the information with and let them spread the word? If not, maybe just give clear warning that you won’t be reachable at all on this “vacation.” Blame bad cell reception in the area. And then turn your phone off.

    • Could you say it’s time off for a medical reason, or even medical procedure (people may look for plastic surgery when you return), and if asked, oh, what, you can say it’s minor or not something you wish to discuss and change topic. Mental health counts as health so I don’t see this as dishonest. Guys esp are unlikely to probe into medical stuff for women so you shouldn’t get too many questions.

      • The words “minor” + “routine” + “medical procedure” are glorious when it comes to stopping questions.

      • S in Chicago :

        +100000 no need to run the risk of someone “vacationing” in their past at the one spot you would happen to pick for a cover story. It’s also more understood if you don’t come back ready to run at full speed again. Good for you for recognizing you need this. Take care of yourself.

    • Using the woods as an excuse is a good idea. And you should probably hang out in a forest and take the time to cry and be by yourself. Put your plane in airplane mode or something so that no calls go through and shut off email notifications.

    • It’s health related, I don’t want to get into it but I’m not going to be available to the office while I’m out. I’ll schedule a meeting to get caught up as soon as I get back.

      • This.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        I like this too. Medical leave, can’t work while out.

      • I think you need to say something about mental health or a difficult personal situation. And my former Big Law office, it was simply unacceptable for associates to take vacations where they were completely off the grid. There were people who took cruises or went to the Maine woods but they were paying through the nose for wifi access on the ship or driving into a town every day to use an internet cafe. You can get away with checking email only once a day or so, but at my former firm it was unacceptable to be more off the grid than that just for a vacation. If your firm has a similar culture, which it sounds like it does, you need to explain that this is not a normal vacation.

        • Yeah this is what I was getting at – how exactly do I communicate that? Or should I expect that they’re not going to respect it anyway so I shouldn’t even bother?

          • Do you have a partner you work for that you have a good relationship with? If so, I would probably tell that person that you need to take some time off in X week to deal with a difficult personal situation and you need to be away from email for that period of time. They can let others know. At my firm that would have been met with a much better reaction than simply saying “I’m going to be off the grid for vacation.” By better reaction I mean both that a) they will be less upset with you and b) they will be more respectful of your time when you’re away. I think you don’t need to go into details about the personal situation, although if you wanted to share, I think people would probably be very sympathetic. A lot of Big Law partners have been divorced.

          • You have my sympathy. That was my firm, too. A lot of canceled vacations. The best I can recommend is saying “I will be gone Days X- Y for medical reasons and will not be reachable until Day Z. I wanted to give you a heads’ up so that we can complete the motion for the Smith file. Do you have time tomorrow to talk about the motion?” This lets them know the date you will be responsive again, is truly about medical health, and changes the subject to the task at hand. Then I would just say in your out of office message: “I will be out of the office from [these dates] and unable to respond to messages. For emergencies, please contact Assistant.”

            Best of luck- I was actually in the emergency room once while at my old job and immediately emailed the partner in the middle of the night to say I would not be in and that this deadline (a client deadline, two weeks before the court deadline) was approaching so that it could be assigned to another associate. The deadline was not reassigned and I worked from home – against doctors orders – for 15 hours the next day to have it done. That weekend, I began looking for another job.

          • Anonattorney :

            I’m not quite sure why she shouldn’t just tell someone that it’s related to her divorce.

          • Anonattorney :

            I’ll elaborate – I’m 100% in agreement with Anonymous at 12:01 pm. I think you find one or two partners that you have a closer relationship with and tell them that you’re vacation coincides with your divorce, and that you really are looking forward to taking this time to recharge. Then tell those partners something like, “for obvious reasons, I’m not going to be checking email or my voicemail during this much-needed break.”

            Then, on your internal away message, say that you will have very limited access to email and voicemail and that if there is an emergency, contact so and so. Because offices gossip, the word will get around. But I think this is one of those situations where people just need to know, because if your work is slipping (which is entirely justifiable), it’s important that your coworkers and bosses know it’s for a perfectly valid reason.

    • Maybe it’s my California background, but I’d say I’m going on a silent retreat where electronics aren’t allowed. They’re popular out here (and if you’re still planning, maybe something to look into).

    • What a tangled web we weave. I would not make up a story. Just tell people the dates you will be out and that you will not be on email or otherwise available. If someone asks you for an explanation, say you have personal or family business to take care of.

      • +1 THIS

      • Mrs. Jones :

        Me too. No need to lie.

      • The thing is, I worked for a non-profit – not even close to being like BigLaw – where that wouldn’t have flown. If you were going to be unavailable, there needed to be a reason. I never could have gotten away with saying “sorry, won’t be on email, see ya!” without hearing about it later – most likely in my performance review. Lots of places are like this, these days.

        • Yeah, but it’s perfectly ok to go on vacation to some place that doesn’t have email access. So it’s sort of weird and arbitrary that it’s ok to not be checking emails only-if-you’re-flying-somewhere-far-away, but not ok to do this if you are on a staycation.

          • Former Biglaw :

            If add entitled to weird and arbitrary, you get life at many biglaw firms. At my prior biglaw firm, associates would actually buy a plane ticket to go somewhere for each vacation because then there was an actual price that the firm had to pay to cancel your vacation. Staycation meant that it was easy and no cost to the firm to call you back to the office.

    • I would NOT say health issues. You know your firm best but a “secret” health issue – where you can’t say – oh it’s a simple endoscopy or whatever — can at many firms lead to them questioning the ability and stamina of someone that they purported to love and support 6 months ago. Just say — I’m out from x date to x date without email access. Then don’t reply even if you’re getting emails (frankly I wouldn’t even read them bc if people put read receipts on them they’ll know when they were opened and realize you do have service). Don’t get into the back and forth while on vacation re – oh I won’t have service – bc in order to respond you’re using service and that’s what leads them to say – that’s ok, we can wait until it works for you (bc they do know that you are able to respond so you have SOME service). And your out of office should be — “out from x date to y date with limited access to email” or “out from x date to y date and will check email when I am able.”

    • I would not lie. I’d just say, “I’m writing (calling) to remind you that I’ll be out of the office next week. I won’t be reachable by email or phone from X date to X date but if you have an emergency X will be able to help you out.”

      If you say you are going to the Amazon, someone is going to ask you about it and you will have to continue the lie. Not worth it. Just be firm, professional, and vague.

      Have contingencies in place and make sure your assistant and/or colleagues have what they need from you to jump in if necessary. They should have an update/status on everything you are currently working on. Check your email once a day, resist the urge to reply unless it is an absolute necessity.

      Good luck and sending internet hugs to you!

      • OP, PLEASE do not do this. Do not check your email once a day. Do not check at all. And whatever you do, do not reply. It is not a necessity — your mental health and sanity and survival are.

        And do not say “with limited access to email” on your out of office message. Say, “I will not have access to email or voicemail.”

    • Maudie Atkinson :

      OP, I just want to say I’m sorry: Sorry that you’re going through this painful situation, and sorry that you work in a place that isn’t understanding of its employees being human beings.
      I also want to say that you have other options. I cannot imagine this happening at my firm. And I have to believe that in any market you could find some place where you could still the sophisticated practice (and other things) BigLaw offers but be treated better.

      • Selena Meyers :

        +1,000,000 to Maudie.

        Signed, BigLaw Equity Partner Who Supervises Associates And Would 100% Respect This Request For Time Away

        • I totally agree (and have respected associates who have made this exact request), but I know there are partners in my group who would not and did not. The same partners who emailed me on maternity leave to “just look at one thing.”

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        Yeah this. I am glad there are partners like Selena Meyers. I am a mid-level, and take vacation regularly (2-3 solid weeks of a year, and a few extended weekends. I do my best to take vacation at the “right” time-i.e., not during summary judgment briefing or a month before a huge trial. If partners/more senior associates were bothering me with non-urgent stuff and asking me to join meeting where I could filled in later, it would be a BFD.

        I work hard, believe I am good at my job, and bill at or above my target every year. Lack of respect for personal time would send me searching for a new job.

  3. Good morning, ladies. I am a long-time lurker, but first time poster. I have a dilemma at work. I am a 3rd year associate who has just been assigned to a new partner from the satellite office. I find him very attractive; we are both single and I can really see myself with him for the long-term. The problem is that I am not sure he sees me in the same way just yet, though he certainly has given me signals that he would be interested in a romp. I do not want that, but need to remain professional. At the same time I worry that my heart and hormonal instincts will get the best of me and I might do something to ruin my professional career; particularly if he does not ultimately want me for more than a fling. Any ideas how to balance these issues? I surely can’t be the only lawyer who has faced this kind of professional dilemma. Thanks in advance.

    • Anonymous :

      Absolutely not. He is YOUR BOSS. You don’t balance anything, you keep you $hit together and don’t f*** your boss.

    • anon associate :

      WTF? Sorry, are you trolling? You sound like all of our trolls. First of all, you cannot “really see yourself” with him for the long-term, because you don’t know this person at all. You’re building sandcastles in the sky. Stop it. Second of all, he probably DOESN’T see you in the same way, unless he’s turned on by the prospect of blowing up his career and getting the firm sued.

      There is no way in the world whatsoever that you can have a “romp” (ugh) with your BOSS and remain professional. You might actually be the only lawyer who has even considered this a “dilemma” rather than just keeping your head on straight and not entertaining the idea of pursuing a relationship with your boss.

    • Forget about him. The only way I could see it working is a change in your professional relationship (him not being your boss anymore due to any of you two leaving the company or changing the position so that he’s not your direct boss). I’m saying it as a person, who is engaged to my (soon to be former) co-worker: dating at work requires a lot of caution, can be done only once (i.e. with one person only) and should never involve people who report to each other or work closely together.

    • Do you value your professional reputation? What about your personal reputation? If yes to either, then just say no to continuing to toy with this idea any further.

    • Anonymous :

      You just met him, You don’t really know that much about him, so you don’t actually know if you want to be around him for the long-term. This is a crush; this too shall pass.

      You don’t bone your boss unless that’s all you want to be known for. Because if it gets out (and it usually does), that piece will drown out all the hard work you did do.

    • You can absolutely date him! After you get a different job. If you’re not interested in moving then sorry he’s not an option.

      As for what to do about it – crushes happen to everyone so don’t feel like you’re alone. It’s tough to be friendly-professional with a crush. Too gruff and you’re not likable, too friendly and you risk coming off flirty. Focus on tone of voice, avoid long conversations, and limit talking about your personal life. When you really click with someone it’s easy to tell yourself that you can be just friends. You can’t. You’ll want to keep some distance until the crush passes.

    • A partner who is signalling to an associate that be would interested in a fling (so basically D T F, in terms that probably would get me moderated) is NOT someone you want to be in a relationship with. No no no no no.

      And distance yourself from him professionally as if he gets pushy and you turn him down he may retaliate against you.

      • Cosign.

        I married someone I used to work with (not my boss though). You can’t fling with this person. If you were to have a real relationship, you have to start by dating in this context. And the dating has to be really, really G rated (like if you are from a conservative religious sect) to start with. Public places, not getting wasted, maybe drive yourself home so there’s no fling potential. If you connect without the fling-ness, maybe you could have something with this person. But if it starts with the fling or fling-adjacent things, it won’t end well for you.

    • You haven’t even gone out with him yet and you see yourself with him long term? Girl. Slow down crazy.

  4. pugsnbourbon :

    Yeah I’m not taking any chances with a $600 blazer. It’s getting dry cleaned.

  5. Spiral hair ties :

    Those phone-cord hair ties – I used to think this is just the latest hype for teenagers, but they’ve been around for a while now and I am beginning to wonder. Google gives me nothing but ads, but maybe some of you have used them, to work out or on weekends? I am using the classic ties without metal bits – are the spirals any better? If so, how?

    • Waste of money, I have super straight hair and these made it a tangled mess. And didn’t hold. I got suckered by one of those ads too.

    • I like the spirals for a loose ponytail or just pulling my hair out of my face at night. I’ve got thick, wavy hair and they seem to do the trick. The ribbon ones are good as well.

    • Anonymous :

      Like invisibobbles? I have them; don’t love them but I do use them. They still make me lose hair to breakage.

    • I use them some. I keep them in my purse because they don’t crimp my hair as much as the normal pony-tail holders so they’re good for during the work day or when I need to pull my hair back briefly.

      They don’t work as well (for me) for workouts as regular pony-tail holders. I received them as a gift, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to buy them.

    • I have thick (Indian) shoulder length hair, and they are comfortable for casual use but yeah, they didn’t hold as advertised.

    • I’m still on team ribbon hair tie if you’re looking to update the classics. When they came out a few years back I ordered a bunch of the ribbon elastic online in a color that matches my hair, so I just tie my own. Cheaper than paying $12 for 3 ties (or whatever the ridiculous markup is), and doesn’t look totally insane if they end up on my wrist. That’s one of my gripes with the spiral ones- who can get away with having that on their arm?

      • Thanks for sharing! I have ribbon elastic in a color that matches my hair from a craft project. Now I won’t have to buy hair elastics for a while.

    • Spiral hair ties :

      Thanks everyone, now I can get on with my life and my standard hair ties!

      • I always thought they looked like you ran out of hair elastics and so you cut up an old phone cord in an emergency.

    • Pro tip: they make great cat toys.

    • lawsuited :

      I use them for when my hair is driving me crazy at the office and I need to get it off my neck. They hold your hair well enough if you’re just sitting or walking around (but would not survive a workout) and leave no evidence that you had s hair tie in your hair once you take them out.

  6. JobHuntDenver :

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a good recruiter in Denver? I’m currently an in-house lawyer at an oil and gas company in Houston. My SO got a job offer in Denver, so I’m on the hunt. Ideally another in-house position, but am willing to change industries.

    Recs and tips much appreciated!

  7. Please don't judge :

    I posted last week about yoga and pelvic floor issues. Following up to recommend yoga therapy.

    After years of 1-step-forward-2-steps-back with endometriosis and interstitial cystitis, surgery, hormones, antibiotics, and physical therapy, I tried yoga therapy.

    Now I’m pain-free during LGPs! Still planning on going back to work on more issues, but wow, a major life change.

    • Same here :

      That’s wonderful! Congratulations! Is the yoga therapy a local place or did you find videos that helped?

      • Please don't judge :

        Local, and I’m afraid I live in the middle of nowhere, so I can’t give a specific rec without outing myself (not to mention I doubt there are any other rtts in my area)

    • Is this a special type of yoga or just regular yoga?

      • Please don't judge :

        It’s different- I went in for an individual appointment, and I basically just laid on the floor while the yoga teacher bent me into pretzels. I was able to bend much much further when all I had to focus on was relaxing, and someone else did the work of pushing into the strech. There’s also a healthy element of human touch, although it isn’t a massage.

        I worked with someone certified by yoga alliance. I don’t know how different any other approaches might be.

    • Thanks for sharing this. What a useful rec.

      Congrats!

  8. Any ideas for a bday present for a 70 year old man? Doesn’t really drink, doesn’t golf, doesn’t smoke cigars… This will be a restaurant birthday party so it feels odd to get something experiential like a restaurant gift certificate and I don’t think he would take advantage of theater tickets or a museum membership. Looking to spend in the $100 range.

    • TorontoNewbie :

      Any hobbies at all?

    • Off-key Valkyrie :

      A drone with a camera. My grandpa (80+) bought one, and FIL (70ish) thinks it’s the coolest thing.

      • Anonymous :

        This was a HUGE hit with the old men at my 10 year old nephews party! I think this is a great idea!

        • He’s not very tech savvy, so not sure how well that will do. Maybe one of those photo picture frames though? Any recommendations for something that would sync with an iPhone?

    • A kindle?

    • Senior Attorney :

      What’s your relationship to this person? If it’s a relative, maybe a photo book of family photos?

    • IP Associate :

      A bit above your price range but the NY Times birthday book was a huge hit for my grandfather’s birthday: https://www.nytimes.com/store/the-ultimate-birthday-book-the-times-of-your-life-nsap2176.html

    • Hamilton, the book that the musical was based on. Anything about WW2.

  9. I’d like to get some life insurance but not sure where to start. Does a term life policy for someone in their 30’s require a physical? Anything else I should know about?

    • I have life insurance through USAA. Required a nurse home visit with a weight check and blood draw for some routine tests. Very reasonable rates.

    • Yes, it does. The company sends a nurse to your house to draw blood, take your stats and get your medical history. You can get rate quotes online — I believe there are aggregators that help you find the lowest ones, although you won’t be able to know for sure what your rate is until they do your physical to assess your risk. There are a few websites that will help you out with rules of thumb as to how big and long of a policy you should get, that you can find by googling. If you have a financial advisor, they may be able to give you advice as well. You can call any of the companies you are considering, and their salesperson will walk you through the process, which is pretty simple.

      • Thanks! Does it make sense to go to a doctor first (I haven’t had a physical in a while) to make sure all the things they might check are okay (cholesterol, etc.) or is that really silly at this point in my life?

        • No Problem :

          It is never silly at any point in your life to get an annual physical.

          • +1 I get one every year. With the (current) ACA, there is no reason not to.

          • Ha. I don’t disagree. But the next available appointment at my doctor is at the end of June. So was just wondering if I should hold off insurance until after.

        • It’s never silly to go to the doctor except right before you life insurance exam, because a recent doctor visit (which they will see because you grant them access to your medical records) plus the desire for life insurance within a short time frame indicates you got some terrible news at the doctor and decided to get life insurance. That is exactly the kind of red flag an isurance underwriter is looking for.

          So get the term life, then schedule an annual physician visit this year, and every year

          • Hmm, thanks for this! Do you think it matters that I have on the books for late June? If I do this before?

          • I don’t think it matters if you have an appointment scheduled. Just don’t do the blood draws etc ahead of your policy being issued. And wait until the policy is actually issues before anything, even if that means moving your physical to July.

      • When we got our insurance physicals, the person helping us suggested that we don’t do any additional doctor’s appointments so that we didn’t get diagnosed with something that would affect our rates. We did a blood draw and a basic physical exam for our insurance.

        YMMV.

    • I used Select Quote to shop and compare, and I was happy with the service. My husband and I ended up with a Voya policy. They sent a nurse to the house.

    • I am in the process of getting some life insurance through Selectquote. Just start on their website and they will take you through it. They give an estimate based on your answer to basic questions (age/ ever smoked/ do dangerous hobbies/ parental health) and then will send someone to your house to do testing (height/ weight/ cholesterol, etc.) before finalizing the policy.

    • Your doctor will not uncover anything at a routine physical that you want included in your medical history immediately before trying to get life insurance. It’s fine if your next annual is scheduled; don’t rush it. Get the insurance first. They care about your height, weight, blood pressure, and they’ll take a blood sample and a urine sample. The urine sample is mostly to make sure you aren’t lying about whether you smoke. (If you smoke occasionally/socially, don’t smoke for 3 weeks before the life insurance nurse appointment, and it won’t show up in your urine so you’ll get a much better rate.)

      • Thank you.

        • And try to eat healthy for the day before your blood tests. No high fat/cholesterol, nothing after dinner, expect that the lab tests will be fasting the next day.

          I was stunned to see what happened to my cholesterol tests after eating a bunch of Haagen-Das ice cream the night before. My tests were really high. So we rechecked the tests, and I ate very healthy the day before. Tests were back to normal.

          • Thanks BB! The select quote guy I just spoke to gave me the same warning. He also said to watch the alcohol intake the day before. I’m going to try to use this to motivate me to eat better until my exam.

      • Not a lawyer but used to work for an insurance company :

        If you smoke occasionally/socially, don’t smoke for 3 weeks before the life insurance nurse appointment, and it won’t show up in your urine so you’ll get a much better rate.)

        Do not lie on your insurance application. That is fraud. I was in the jury pool for a homeowner’s insurance case where the house had burned down or something (can’t remember details). The homeowner had not disclosed that the house had been broken into and the insurance company was claiming fraud and that the policy never existed.

        Do not take this kind of risk. If they issue the policy and you die and they somehow find out you were a smoker, your beneficiaries might be screwed.

    • I used (and would recommend) Haven Life. It’s a subsidiary of Mass Mutual and basically designed for younger people. The application took ~20 minutes on my iPad, then they send a nurse to do the health screen. I browsed around a bit from the usual insurance companies, and the rates were all within $5/month from each other, but all the other ones required I go through an agent of some kind. Haven was just so much easier and I like the buying direct. I should also add though that I have a super-simple situation with no kids or extended family really, so for me the ease was the key selling point.

  10. Does Athleta ever issue coupons? I’m looking at bathing suits so waiting until end of season sales isn’t an option. I’ve never seen a site-wide sale, but figured I’d check before hitting purchase.

  11. another bride :

    Fun update about my lovely (sarcasm) future SIL, who acts bizarrely jealous of my place in her brother’s life. She and my sister are our entire wedding party (SIL is the “best woman”). Planning has been this:
    1) I suggested they both wear a similar dress and linked to a site where they could choose their own style in the same color/fabric. SIL said that the quality of those dresses was terrible, and she wouldn’t buy one.
    2) I suggested that SIL wear any gray dress she liked, to match my fiancé’ suit. She said she looked but that all gray dresses “look like wedding gowns” so she wouldn’t buy one. (what? There are so many pretty and appropriate gray dresses…)
    3) I said to both SIL and my sister, please where whatever you like and are comfortable in. My sister is post-partum, and this seemed like the best solution to make everyone happy. SIL said, you’re not giving me enough guidance as to what to wear. At this point, I told my fiancé this was his issue and wouldn’t discuss it further.

    Well, SIL just sent my fiancé a picture of her dress that she’s bought. It is ultra ultra light gray/silver to the point of looking white, and so bridal. WTF. It’s so passive aggressive and she is going to look so ridiculous. I can’t even with this woman. I really am trying to just let it go. Our wedding will be lovely. But.. raaaah.

    • Your fiance needs to deal with her. Tell him that the dress is inappropriately light/bridal, and he should tell her so (but it should come as his opinion, not yours). Is his suit charcoal gray? There are tons of charcoal gray bridesmaids dresses- check out bella bridesmaids or Dessy.

    • Is there a MIL in the picture you and fiance could appeal to? If you have a good relationship with her she might be able to smooth some things over with SIL.

    • What is wrong with people? He should respond with “what is wrong with you, you obviously can’t wear it, it looks white. Why are you being so weird about this?”

    • I know this is a vent, but on one hand, you said wear any gray dress you like, but now you don’t like the one she picked. While you can pawn this off on your brother, it does seem that you have expectations for her dress, and it would be easy for those to go unmet if you aren’t involved.

      I encourage you to think of relationships as being “systems” where she may be just as frustrated as you are.

      • I would agree with your first paragraph if the bride hadn’t already given the SIL very good guidance about what she wanted. The bride gave up that guidance because the SIL was being a giant PITA. The fiance should tell his sister that the dress is not okay and that she needs to pick a truly gray one in any style she wants. This is not hard. We all need to stop rewarding bad behavior.

        • Ok! But the relationship can be the cost of this approach. You can be right or you can be happy.

          • Based on the previous posts by the OP, I don’t see the two of them ever having a joyous relationship. The SIL is crazy jealous of the OP’s relationship with her brother and IME, that doesn’t just go away once you get married. I am not even remotely someone who is all OMG IT’S MY DAY when it comes to weddings, but the OP has been very reasonable and the fiance needs to tell his sister to get bent (in a relatively nice way).

          • So – just checking here – your contention is that the OP should allow her SIL to wear what looks like a wedding dress to her wedding? Would you do that,if you were in the OP’s position? Somehow I doubt it.

            OP, I agree with others that this is your fiance’s problem to handle. You gave her options and she rejected them; her option is not going to work. She can find a different dress or she can decline to participate in the wedding.

          • My contention is that if she wasn’t more clear in her directions about gray dresses – “what kind of gray is acceptable” – she doesn’t have a lot of “relationship leverage” now to complain. In her telling of it, the *SIL* was the one who said the gray dresses were too bridal, NOT the bride. Hopefully the bride pushed back on that concept too. Otherwise, seems she tacitly OK’d that.

          • Yea, and then the jerk SIL went and bought a dress THAT LOOKS BRIDAL. So nope, I am Team OP.

      • I agree with you in theory, particularly your second paragraph. But there is no reasonable misunderstanding happening here – gray best woman dress =/= silver wedding gown looking dress.

        FSIL obviously wants attention and OP is obviously frustrated with the constant cries for attention. In a perfect world with unlimited time and energy, OP would’ve met FSIL for a drink to look at dresses online. But it’s not a perfect world and it’s reasonable to expect that an adult will be able to appropriately attire herself. I agree with OP that she should get fiance to deal with his sister.

      • lawsuited :

        I’m pretty sure every answer to the question “what should I wear to your wedding?” includes the footnote: “not a wedding dress”.

    • Is she younger? Or insecure with her body type? I was SO mad at my younger SIL when we got married b/c she refused to do any shopping trips to try on dresses, waited to the last second to order (to the point where my husband, her older sister, and her mom had to tell her to do it) and was super uninvolved/passive aggressive about the bridal events (low key shower at a bridesmaids apt. and a girls night out in the city that we paid for). The dress was JCrew, graphite, and I provided the bridesmaids with giftcards to buy the style they liked best in the fabric/color of my choosing. Easy, right?
      Turns out she assumed all my bridesmaids would be super tall/thin and would make fun of her weight/body type. Nope. Bridesmaids ranged from a size 2-12 (she was also a 12). She was just insecure about her weight (she went on to lose a good amount) and in a not great relationship at the time. She’s since become friendly with more than one of the bridesmaids, and has morphed into a super aunt and an overall lovely SIL. It was really just a combo of immaturity/insecurity and I am SO glad I mostly kept quiet about my irritation. Marriage (and inlaws) are around for a lot longer than a wedding.

    • If you’re wearing a wedding gown, I would not worry about someone looking “bridal” even in a very light grey formal dress. IF you’re wearing an evening / cocktail dress, I might be more concerned. But even so, she’s standing with the groom, not you. No one will be confused. (If you are upset for other reasons, that is so fine, but I wouldn’t stand on this reason, it’s really not sound).

      Also I doubt FSIL has everyone so snowed that they don’t understand how controlling & difficult she is. Yes, this is YOUR wedding (which, of course, is what is bothering you), but if you can relinquish a little control and be magnanimous about this, I think it will serve you best with all of you future in-laws.

      Finally, see what your sister is going to wear. Between the two of you, you can make SIL look petty and silly and disrespectful just by what you choose to wear and how you hold your head.

      • Senior Attorney :

        I tend to agree with this.

        She chose that dress because she was looking for a fight. So… don’t fight. Take the high road. She will look like an a$$ and you will look like a saint.

        • Sorry to comment twice on the same thread but I just remembered a post I saw – on Reddit? APW? The interwebs somewhere – about a MIL who wore a long white gown to the commenter’s wedding. MIL insisted the dress was pale yellow and couldn’t understand why anyone would be upset by it. The couple had the photographer photoshop all of the pictures of MIL to change the color of her dress to light yellow. Maybe OP can consider something similar here.

    • Sorry to hear this. I would echo what others have said – let your fiance talk to her and have it be his opinion (not re-stating yours). This is important too for him in signaling for the future that he can be a loving brother and son but that in marrying you, your relationship is priority and you are on the same team and same page. If she needs to compete and make it about her, that is her problem.

      If that is unsuccessful, you can either ask her not to ‘stand up’ in the wedding or go as planned and she wears her dress. I’m a bride too and I honestly wouldn’t worry about it because whenever I see someone at a wedding in white or silver or something that looks bridal or white, I give THEM the serious side eye and think she is the cuckoo one, not the bride. It sounds like if your SIL wears that, she will get all the judgment she deserves and you can butt out of it.

  12. Is it rude to walk fast in an office?

    I’m a naturally fast walker. I can slow myself down when I need to, like if there’s someone in front of me or if I’m walking with someone, but if I’m just going somewhere by myself, I walk quickly. I’m not in a hurry, I’m not stressed, I’m not doing it on purpose, it’s just how I walk.

    But this morning I was on my hourly Fitbit stroll around the office, and a guy said “woah! slow down, slow it down.” He’s not the first man to say something about my walking pace, one day on my way to the grocery store I passed an older man on the sidewalk, and when he caught up to me at the crosswalk he said “don’t hurry!”

    I’m certainly not the only woman to walk fast in this office. I’ve seen people speed walk or even run when they’re having a busy day. Again, I’m not generally in a “hurry” to get anywhere, I don’t think I’m posing a threat to anyone, but maybe my fast walking is stressing other people out.

    Do these men have a point? Should I make an effort to walk slower and more calmly?

    • Um – no? Who cares what they think? I mean obviously you need to be polite enough to walk at your coworkers’ speed when you are walking with them – don’t make them run bc some people really can’t – but it sounds like that’s not the issue. Who cares what random men at work or otherwise think?

    • Well the old man’s comment was gross. Like telling you you should smile more. Because women should be pleasing to men in all respects at all times.

      But wrt to your actual question – is it rude to walk super fast in the office – maybe a little? You risk running into someone (ymmv, my office has a lot of blind corners). And for the love of god if a subordinate is walking with you please don’t make them run to keep up with you.

    • Delta Dawn :

      No, they do not have a point. This is another version of telling you to smile.

      • +100000000000000000000000000000000000000 They’re just trying to exert some control over your existence, even if they’re not conscious of it. They can f off and you should walk as fast as you want.

        • That’s kind of what I suspected, but I wanted to check with some other people before dismissing it, in case walking fast was actually super unprofessional and I just had no idea.

      • Off-key Valkyrie :

        You’re fine; they’re sexist jerks.

        But funny story, last time my (male) boss was directly in front of me in the hall, he turned around and told me, “You’re very fast and quiet. We need to put bells on your shoes for people like me who startle easily.”

        • Baconpancakes :

          Ha, have you seen the easily-startled Norwegian guy? Basse Andersen? The videos of him are adorable.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Heh. I usually click-click-click down the linoleum-covered hallway in my high heels. A couple years ago I broke my ankle and had to wear flats with Das Boot, and my staff complained that I was sneaking up on them!

          And yeah, the guy in the OP’s office is a jerk.

    • I’m going to add a dissenting view that may or may not apply depending on your role. I think constantly looking like you’re in a hurry can be good early in your career, but as you rise in the ranks, it can look like you don’t have your sh*t together and it could potentially increase your executive presence if you make conscious efforts to slow down your speech and walking. I still don’t support a random guy telling you to slow down. Can I ask a question too — is a “Fitbit” stroll more for moving around/exercise than getting somewhere? At our office, we had a place for that kind of movement, because we had people that were walking for fitness and there were some traffic jams with people walking at a more normal office pace.

      • It’s for moving around, it wants me to get 250 steps an hour and will remind me to move if I haven’t gotten them in at ten to the hour. But very few people in the office have one, so it’s not as though we all get up and start walking around.

        • I’m going to add a bit to the dissenting view. I prefer to be in my own space when I’m walking around — I don’t want to talk with people, greet them, or stop to chat (I’m usually still ‘working’ in my thoughts — I get better ideas when I’m moving around). I have had to (reluctantly) learn that the hallway is public space, and that you simply can’t ignore your coworkers and wish they’d all go away. And yes, I’ve also had coworkers who moved everywhere and did everything at high speed. It gave the impression they had zero interest in relating to the rest of us and thought we were simply obstacles that should get out of the way. So. … don’t forget to be human with your coworkers. (doesn’t apply to random guy from the next department telling you to slow down.)

          • Senior Attorney :

            That’s a great point. I once had a co-worker confront me about something similar. I was dumbfounded but it was a good lesson.

          • oh goodness, I certainly wouldn’t treat people like obstacles who are in my way! I tried to head that off in my initial comment, that I do slow down if someone’s in front of me, and I wait until I can pass safely. I live in a city where people are sometimes super rude when they pass others on the sidewalk, like they’re SO IMPORTANT and anyone who gets in their pass clearly doesn’t respect “their betters” or something. I also do make a point of at least making eye contact and smiling.

      • Yeah, I’m going to agree with the perception of it looking like someone not having their sh1t together. It just looks like you’re in a rush. Also, some people have a very heavy foot when they walk quickly so it could be audibly distracting.

    • I got dinged on a performance review once for walking too fast because “it stresses people out.”

    • Well, one of my younger, male colleagues nearly ran me down when he started up the stairs too fast. (He is taller and larger than I am). So, don’t walk fast to the point that you’re at risk of trampling your colleagues. That actually is rude – and in general, there is no business reason to be practically running around the office.

      But otherwise, I walk and talk fast myself. Just be aware of the people around you.

      • Anomnibus :

        I’ve noticed that some people will walk at a “normal” speed on a flat surface, but the second they start going up or down stairs they start charging! Why? Are they bad at stairs? Are they trying really hard to fight gravity when going up, and letting gravity drag them down the stairs? I used to deal with this at old job, where men would insist on running down the narrow stairwell in the parking garage, and I had to run as well to avoid getting trampled. Hated it.

        • Tech Comm Geek :

          There has actually been a study about this! I don’t have time to dig up the link, unfortunately. Basically, many people default to holding their breath while they go up and down stairs. So they rush before they run out of breath. It’s a balance/proprioception issue according to the study.

          Weird fact of the day!

          • Thank you for posting this weird fact! I have been realizing that I do this, but I had no idea it was a thing.

    • Anonymous :

      No it’s not rude as long as you’re not barreling around blind corners crashing into people. And anyone with enough time to notice and comment on the speed of your walking in the office needs to be assigned more work.

    • Speed walking around an office reads is rude of men and women and signals poor nonverbal skills/awareness in many ways that many commenters have already touched on. Walking efficiently is fine, but don’t blow through hallways and around corners at two standard deviations above the office norm and expect it not to be mentioned.

    • I don’t think it is rude, but it does attract attention. I have a male colleague who walks very fast at all times even without having somewhere to be. While it doesn’t bother me, it has attracted my attention, I now perceive him as the guy who walks fast. He also recently received a complaint by another male colleague for his walking. All this to say, I don’t think the comment was because you are female, though it doesn’t make it less cringe worthy. You do you, and keep it up on staying active!

    • Anonymous :

      You’re not walking fast in the office normally, you’re exercising in the office. Is exercising in the office unprofessional? Different question entirely.

      • Anomnibus :

        Well, jogging in the office is unprofessional. Putting on workout gear and doing laps is probably unprofessional. I’d hate to think that getting up and walking around for a few minutes is unprofessional. Are we really supposed to be seated at all times unless we absolutely have to get up to go to the bathroom, get water, or meet with someone?

        • Anonymous :

          Getting up and walking around for a few minutes, sure fine. But depending on the layout of the office and the intensity of the exercise, it could be distracting. Maybe OP needs to take it outside. It seems disingenuous to ask this as if it’s just walking from one office to another at a brisk pace.

          • Anomnibus :

            It’s a pretty big office, I could easily walk around and to the others working on our floor, it would probably look like I’m just walking to the restroom or to a meeting. In fact, the restroom is often included in these walks because hey, why not? I’m going in that direction anyway. I’m on the 6th floor so going downstairs and outside just for 250 steps seems a little silly.

      • Yeah, depending on the size of your office, maybe consider walking outside for your Fitbit breaks? I work in a small office and if someone was power-walking around to get some exercise, it would be disruptive and distracting.

  13. Anyone else completely sick of hearing grown women say “I can’t even” or “I can’t.” Yes sweetheart — you can. You can deal with Trump being president (bc you are – you haven’t renounced citizenship and moved away) or your sister in law’s gray dress or whatever. Where did this phrase start and when will it end??

  14. I can’t even… *eyeroll*

  15. Blonde Lawyer :

    I bought the Dillard’s suit (light blue) that was featured a few days back. I’ve been spoiled by Nordstrom and didn’t really consider much that Dillard’s does not do free shipping and free returns. I spent $13 to have it shipped to me, it didn’t fit me right (awesome suit, just didn’t work w/ my shape), and it cost me $25(!!!) to ship it back via Fed Ex. Is that the normal price to ship a box? I was shocked. I essentially spent $38 on nothing.

    • Yeah, that’s about normal. I grew up with Dillard’s and LOVE their Antonio Melani line, but the closest store is 2 hours from me, and I refuse to pay for shipping in this era, so I just don’t shop there anymore.

    • Yep, that’s about right. I don’t order from 6pm anymore for this reason – they make you pay to ship back things that don’t work, and the last time I had something I wanted to return, the return shipping cost was as much as the item. I don’t necessarily believe shipping should always be free, but bad return policies are a big reason for me not to shop someplace twice.

      • A lot of 6pm.com items are on Amazon with Prime (if you have it). I always search the exact item name that I found on 6pm.com on Amazon and order through them.

        • Anonymous :

          Yeah, that’s helped me out a few times but there have been a couple of things I’ve found on 6pm and not on Amazon. The thing is, Amazon owns 6pm (and Zappos) and so you’d think the 6pm return policies would be similar. But they’re not. Amazon lets you return with a $3.95 preprinted shipping label; 6pm won’t even let you print a label with the shipping address on it. If you want to return, they’re like – here’s our address, good luck! It’s ridiculous.

      • Anon in NYC :

        I found a pair of shoes on 6pm that were $50 less expensive than on Zappos or Amazon. But it’s a new-to-me brand and I’m not sure what my size is, so I’m really reluctant to try them out. And they make the return itself so hard (no return labels)!

    • Well, you probably could have picked a cheaper way to send it back, but yes, shipping things does cost real money.

      • That was rude and unnecessary. She knows it costs real money. She is saying she prefers Nordstrom because THEY pay the real money for shipping instead of her having to pay it. As do some other companies. Don’t be petty.

        • If you think Nordstrom pays for shipping out of the goodness of their hearts and doesn’t pass on that cost somehow then I have a bridge to sell you.

          • Of course Nordstrom builds something into their pricing to offset the costs of shipping, including returns. But that doesn’t necessarily make other stores’ prices cheaper. Nordstrom has huge shipping contracts and pays a much cheaper rate than a regular consumer who has to go to the post office or UPS to pay to return something.

  16. Linked In summary :

    Linked In changed their format and recently I discovered that I could not edit the summary that I wrote under the old format. I looked through all the settings and could not find a way to change it. Has anyone else faced this issue or am I missing something? I actually miss the old format of the site. I know you can include a description of duties per position listed but I like having the summary, because I can also list other interests I have that are exactly reflected in the positions I have had. For context I am in academia where it doing this is not unusual.

    • How I edited mine on the mobile site (not the app): at the top right is an icon of a head in a circle – click there to see your profile. To the right of your profile pic is a pencil – click there to edit your intro. Scroll all the way down; second from the bottom is your summary.

    • The redesign is terrible. I hate that I keep getting birthday notifications for people I barely know. (I know it’s not their fault; it was LinkedIn’s decision to start doing that.) I had to search and search to figure out how to make my birthday private, and it turned out I hadn’t even entered it.

      • Same here! It’s nice to have friends wishing me a happy birthday, and it’s nice when it comes from acquaintances on Facebook, but I have a big network and I don’t really want every grad student and sales consultant I’m connected with wishing me a happy birthday just because LinkedIn told them to.

  17. I have been with my current employer for a long time and I’ve accepted a new position. I’ll be moving from the midwest to the south. I have family there, visit often, and this will enable me to be near my aging mother while she is still in great health and I can enjoy her company. This is also a step up in position. I’m divorced and childless so there are no ties (except long time good friends) keeping me in this area. I’ve wanted this for a long time so this is a dream come true. Now I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Thankfully I rent so I don’t have to sell my house. Any tips for dealing with a big life style change like this? I have a couple of months before the move and I’ve already started to purge things.

    • Get rid of things that you don’t absolutely need. See it as a fresh start so you can get rid of things to give yourself the opportunity to get something new or different wherever you end up. Spend time with your old friends and plan ahead to new things you want to do in the new location. You can use sites like meetup to meet new people, and I have found that in some areas, people use Facebook groups centered around a certain activity e.g. hiking. Above all try to be positive about it. It’s normal to feel abit overwhelmed but this is what you wanted embrace it.

    • I’ve had to make several significant moves over the last few years, and I’ve developed a little checklist to work on feeling at home wherever I go. It includes finding a good local coffee place, getting a hair salon I click with, getting involved with a local museum, etc. This not only helps me keep my routine, but also helps make new friends in the community with similar interests.

    • Selena Meyers :

      So I believe in getting things that you don’t need — but I also think that purging can be stressful and moving can be stressful. If you need to abandon the purging process to get through the move, then just remember that you can always throw things away from your new house!

      The last time we moved cross-country, I purged a lot – but I got to a place where purging was really hard and stressful. I just gave up the purging, and had the movers just move everything that was left, even a drawer full of pretty much junk. There was something so liberating and restful about just deciding to give up and move it all. And when we moved into the new house, I unpacked things and put away what I really wanted, then gave away the rest.

      I guess the bottom line is: Moving is stressful. Be gentle with yourself. Hire movers.

  18. Wildkitten :

    So – I’m trying to get some property back from the former Mr. Kitten (we were not married) and I think I need to file in DC Civil (because I want specific performance, not $$ from small claims). Does anyone know how long it usually takes between filing and the actual court date? THANKS!

  19. I made a stupid, reprehensible mistake two years ago – a one-time drunken hook up with a friend who had just begun a long distance relationship with X (horrible, I know). I told no one and vowed never to do such a thing again. We also decided to stop being friends and never speak to each other again. This weekend, I received a call from X, who demanded to know when we stopped sleeping together. Whoa! No idea how she found out or got my phone number. I told her that I hadn’t seen or spoken with him in two years. I’m having trouble taking my mind of the guilt and I’m emotionally spiraling. I have this fear of a scorned woman trying to blow up my life or harassing my guy. More importantly, I hate that our selfish indiscretion hurt her and may be ruining their relationship.

    I’d appreciate any tips for how to manage this situation since I can’t discuss with anyone IRL. Thank you in advance.

    • If you respond any more you bring yourself back into this situation. You will not feel better and you have been working on getting past that bad decision. Better not to respond at all and block her emails. Do not get sucked into this again.

    • Block her number and ignore her. Unless she contacts you some other way, there is no situation to manage here.

    • I’m sorry. It sounds like you’ve been very responsible in trying to fix it. Give yourself a break. You are not responsible for X’s relationship. That’s on her partner. And I can’t tell from your post if you were involved with your guy when this happened, but it sounds like you weren’t and so I don’t see why something you did 2 years ago should ruin anything with him. Adults have indiscretions. Sometimes regrettable ones. It’s okay. My thinking on these things is always: you didn’t give or get a disease; you didn’t end up pregnant; you aren’t doing this anymore; it can all have been a lot worse and this is not something that you should torture yourself about anymore. If she contacts you again, just say that you’re sorry this has caused her pain, it was a one time incident a long time ago, you both agreed immediately that you regret it and wouldn’t be doing it again and you moved on with your life; she should please leave you out of this from here on out.

    • You made a big mistake but you know that and beating yourself up about it isn’t accomplishing anything further. You’ve done what you should – cutting off contact with the guy and being honest with his GF when she asked you what happened. Now you need to move on and worry about yourself, not them. If you think there’s a real risk of her contacting your current guy, I’d probably tell him what happened, because I think it would be better for him to hear it from you than from her. Therapy could help if you’re really having trouble taking your mind off the guilt.

    • Brunette Elle Woods :

      Ugh I understand your guilt but at the end of the day you didn’t do anything wrong. Hehad the GF so technically he’s the one who cheated. You don’t owe her anything. You don’t have to beat yourself up two years later. Obviously something happened on their end but I would stay out of it and forget about it.

      • I disagree that OP didn’t do anything wrong. I agree she doesn’t need to be beating herself up about it two years later, and it sounds like OP has really gone above and beyond to take responsibility for the situation and has done everything right since the hookup. But sleeping with a person in a committed relationship is doing something wrong. X’s boyfriend may have been even more in the wrong, but it doesn’t mean OP’s actions were ok.

        • Nah though. You have no obligation to suss out the relationship status of a drunken hook up. He just got together with the other girl long distance. How’s she supposed to know they’re exclusive?

          • I assumed she knew about his relationship with X because he was her friend. I agree it’s different if he lied to OP about his relationship status, but I didn’t think that was the case.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        I am with Elle on this. It is on the person who was actually in a relationship to act as such, not on the OP.

    • What is there to manage? You made a mistake, acted responsibly in the aftermath, and told X the truth when asked. Honestly, you’ve done all you can. And the blame for the “selfish indiscretion” is really on your friend, not you. He was the one in a relationship, not you (or at least, that’s what’s apparent from your post).

    • Um what? You’re beating yourself up way way to much. Block her number, do not engage, do not apologize. He cheated on her not you.

    • I think this is one of those scenarios where you just have to take the punches.

      After your initial mistake, you handled it pretty well. Part of you knew a call from X might happen at some point (how did she find out?!?!), but that is likely the end of it for you fortunately. It may cause some damage to friendships if here are mutual friends who learn about it. Just get your pat response down, if asked about it by other friends, and make it short, simple, contrite.

      And I hope you have modified your drinking behavior to help prevent things like this happening in the future.

      When you feel yourself ruminating, get up, get outside…. And move! Walk. Run. Exercise. Get sunshine. Move forward with your life.

      We all have scabs accumulated in life. Only you can stop picking at it.

      • Oh please get off your high horse. She hooked up with a friend who was barely even in a relationship. She doesn’t have a drinking problem and she gets no punches.

        • +100

        • I disagree.

          It sounds like the OP knew this guy was off the market, but didn’t care and slept with him anyway. I don’t know if that is her personality, or by mentioning being drunk she was suggesting she was unable to use good judgement.

          I think it kinda stinks to mess around with people who are in relationships. That’s me. And obviously the OP must agree or she wouldn’t feel so much guilt.

        • I don’t know…. When I was in my 20’s I had a few female friends that slept around with married men / guys already involved and didn’t care. It led to a lot of pain and heartache, but most of them didn’t care as long as it didn’t rub off on them too much. Of course I blamed the guys, but I also blamed the women. Do we really need to be doing that crap to each other?

          Alcohol was involved a lot in college, and at older ages, my free-wheeling friends mostly hooked up alcohol-free, with clear intent. We grew apart.

          • Honestly, it seems clear to me that the OP feels she did something wrong so I’m not even sure why it’s helpful to debate whether she did or not. Regardless of anyone else’s view, she wasn’t comfortable with her actions and immediately took steps to distance herself from this person. I know people are trying to offer some reassurance to her, but I think it makes more sense to just affirm to her that it is actually okay to move on from mistakes and actions that you regret.

            I would say that I don’t think a single mistake that she immediately sought to rectify means that she has to take “punches” two years later from this person’s current or former GF, though. The relationship is not her responsibility.

        • I don’t think she has a “drinking problem” in the sense that she needs to seek external help or abstain completely but if you’re doing things you regret when you’re drunk, it might be time to reassess your drinking patterns and consider whether you want to change your drinking habits. I think Bb’s observation was fair, since OP clearly regrets this decision made under the influence of alcohol.

      • Holy crap. Just stop.

      • Your advice would make more sense if the initial hook-up had just happened, but this was two years ago and it seems like the OP took immediate steps to cut this off. I wouldn’t assume she needs to change her behavior now – it seems like she made changes ASAP, probably because she didn’t feel good about what had happened.

    • JuniorMinion :

      So I can understand why you feel guilty – your impulse is human one and likely because you are an ethical person, but its worth noting that you, the single person, aren’t the one that broke someone’s trust. He is the one who cheated on his significant other, and as the person in a relationship the onus was on him to maintain the trust in his relationship. I’m not advocating homewrecking, just that the person who erred most egregiously in this scenario was your friend.

      I would disregard X. Tell her not to contact you and that if she has a problem with trust in her relationship she needs to take that up with her significant other. So often the wronged party in a relationship seeks to blame the third person as opposed to their significant other – where the blame really rests as its easier to think its a stranger’s fault than that your significant other can’t be trusted / isn’t that into you. Someone who isn’t in her relationship can’t ruin her relationship without a member of the relationship’s permission.

    • I’m sorry you’re going through this, but don’t beat yourself up. While I wouldn’t be happy in X’s situation, I think that two years after the fact there’s little to be gained by her confronting you. There’s no amount of talking that’s going to make this better, so I agree with blocking her and refusing future contact. This is something she needs to work out with her partner/your former friend, who’s the one who committed the offense. And don’t keep thinking about this. It wasn’t like you’ve had an ongoing two-year affair with this person and just got found out. It was a mistake, you did the responsible thing.

    • Just want to agree with everyone here–stop worrying, block her number, and move on with the fun things in your life. this is his problem to manage.

    • This is not your problem. Seriously. Don’t feel pressure to talk to her or respond to her in any way.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      OP, you have seriously punished yourself enough. I do not think what you did was “reprehensible”. It sounds like they were in the very early stages of a long-distance relationship and you were not cheating on your own partner. So maybe just give yourself a break.

      I honestly cannot believe that you stopped being friends with someone just because you drunkenly hooked up. That just seems so extreme to me.

    • Good for you for realizing the mistake and moving on. I don’t think you have any more obligation to these people and should ignore the girlfriend. She should be talking to her bf, not you. He is just as much at fault.

    • You’ve answered her. If she harrasses you tell her you are sending her email address to spam and will not see any further emails from her.

      And then really do that.

      Do not beat yourself up. You did not do the deed by yourself. This is not your fault. It’s X’s partner’s fault and you should stay out of it.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I recently confronted someone who wronged me a long time ago. He handled the confrontation just about as well as anyone could: he apologized, said “if you need to talk further, I’m here, but if not, I will disappear” and did just that.

      Getting texts from him was pretty upsetting, so I have appreciated how he has not initiated any contact. But also, I *did* need to ask something of him like a few months later, and I appreciated that he hadn’t blocked me.

  20. Birthday gift for new BF :

    My new boyfriend’s birthday is at the end of May. He will be away for his actual birthday so I would like to get him something early. He flies often for work and to see friends so I would love to get something that will make travel easier. Any suggestions? What makes your flights easier/more enjoyable? I unfortunately rarely fly these days.

    • really good headphones (but can be $$). nice dopp kit (unless he already has one).

    • What about access to one of those frequent flier clubs or whatever they’re called at your local airport? If he’ll be travelling on his birthday or around that time, it will be a nice way to do it and it’s low commitment for the newness of the relationship (I think? I have no idea how much this costs but it seems like something that should be manageable).

      • OMG. THIS. I would love this. As someone who flies on so many short trips on so many random airlines that I don’t have status – I always wonder if I should just pay to use the first class lounge. And depending on how much it costs at your airport (or an airport he connects through frequently), you can buy as many passes as you want/as your relationship warrants – one or a few.

      • That’s such a great idea! Those are usually only about $50 bucks for a day pass, and they’re usually good even if you’re visiting more than one airport in a day (I know Delta is an exception to that, though). I’d be tickled if someone gifted me one, because it’s a luxury I’d never pay for myself.

      • Counterpoint – I fly a lot and I think these are an enormous waste of money. I think they’re normally around $50 for a single day. An annual pass could be more worth it if he really flies a ton, but that would be an enormous gift to get a “new” boyfriend. Most airports now have free wifi, so all that $50 is getting you in a domestic lounge is drinks and light snacks. If he’s a frequent flier he may get upgraded and get free booze and a much nicer meal on the plane, and even if he isn’t he could get better food and drink at an airport brewery or wine bar for much less than $50.

        • If your local airport has restaurants/bars that do gift cards (I know in DC that is the case bc the airport restaurants have branches all over town) – you could get him those. But personally I’d like first class lounge passes better. I know you aren’t getting awesome food or drinks but sometimes just being out of the main gate area into a quieter, cleaner area w/o people’s screaming kids and without inexperienced travelers pacing at the gate – just hits the spot – esp when you travel all the time.

        • I don’t know, I just used my Priority Pass (lounge access) for the first time and it was amazing. Faster wifi, comfy chairs, well-stocked fridge, clean bathrooms, no screaming kids, nice snacks, ample plugs for charging various devices…if I could buy a day pass for $50 I would, but I think they are usually closer to $100 for a day pass. I think it would be a really good gift.

      • Stealing this for a future gift idea. Genius.

  21. Target $9 blazer :

    Ha, so I guess you get what you paid for? While driving to work, the right shoulder sleeve felt off for some reason. At work check in the mirror and the seam has completely unraveled and I an holding on sleeve right now. LOL

    • Oh dear. This just made me burst out laughing. Thanks for the heads up on this one.

    • Anonymous :

      Eek, I bought two and the tags are still on. I was debating them but now they might go back.

    • PrettyPrimadonna :

      LOL! This is funny because I bought this blazer and have worn it only once. I guess I have this to look forward to, ha.

  22. Does anyone have a recommendation for a pointy-toe flat? I’m looking for something comfortable with a little bit of support.

    • Rockport Adelyn Total Motion. It’s like a sneaker hidden in a flat.

      • http://www.rockport.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-RockportUS-Site/default/Product-Variation?pid=tmadelynballetoutlet&dwvar_tmadelynballetoutlet_color=tmadelynballetoutlet_eiffeltowerkidsuede

      • Keeping in mind Rockport does not offer free returns if you don’t like them. I just bought a pair and I found the vamp to be very high and sort of matronly, well above the toe line.

    • I do like the Rockport flat too, but depending on your foot shape, you may need additional support.

      In general, I find flats uncomfortable because I have high arches and heels actually feel better. So even though the Rockport flat has a very nice flexible and padded sole, I have to add an additional insert for some arch support.

    • I have a pair of comfortable cap-toe pointy wedges (slight). Wearing them today. The inside says they are called the Anne Klein “Valicity”

  23. Y’all its not even noon I am having A Day. Grrrr…

    • Ugh, I’m sorry. I hope the afternoon is better.

    • Seattle Freeze :

      Mmm-hmm – same here. Needed to wake up at 5:30 for an early meeting, so of course someone calls my cell at 4 effing 30! Never got back to sleep, so now I’m trying to figure out how to fit in a nap or I’ll never make it to my afternoon call.

  24. So tired of asking a friend to grab a drink one day after work and the response is — sure let’s plan something, how’s 5 weeks from next Monday? Doesn’t anyone do anything semi-spontaneously anymore? I don’t mean that we can just hit happy hour tonight, but if someone suggests drinks to me on Monday — if it isn’t a travel week for me — I try to make it work by the end of the week/early next week. Yet when I initiate (with friends I enjoy – who like me too so it’s not about avoidance), I always get a date 2 months from now. And to be clear – these people aren’t parents and in some cases aren’t married so it isn’t about kid time – which I totally respect. Why do you all do this??

    • I’ve noticed this too. Better than saying no, right? Ime people are either available rightthissecond or they’re available in 2 months. It’s hard to plan anything ~a week out. Coffee dates work well for people who work close to you.

    • I don’t know but these people are even worse when they have kids. But keep asking. I have a friend who is particularly terrible at this – planning dinner will sometimes mean looking 10 weeks out but he will also randomly suggest activities very last minute. So I think some people just schedule things far in advance but it doesn’t mean they’re opposed to a last minute invite if it works out.

    • What if she has a standing Monday commitment and isn’t free until five weeks from now? Also, single with no kids does not mean no life. I (single with no kids) need to see my financial planner, and Saturdays are the best day for me to go. I just realized I don’t have a free Saturday until mid-June.

    • BabyAssociate :

      People without spouses or kids have time commitments too…some people are just busy and like to plan ahead.

      • Exactly! If anything, one could argue that people without spouses or kids have MORE time commitments because they are always out doing things whereas people with spouses and kids tend to spend family time at home as a default. Just stereotypes, though

    • You may not want to hear this, but it’s because you are not at the top of my priority list. I am crazy busy right now with things that are more important to me. A friend of mine, who I love but only see sporadically, emailed me to get together. The best I could give him was three or four weeks from now. I’m already stretched super thin and when I do actually have unexpected free time, I want to do what I want to do with it (usually read or stare into space).

    • I am this person. I have 2 young kids. I need a long lead time to ensure that I have child care coverage, dinner logistics, etc. all handled before I can do ANYTHING after work. It stinks, but trust me I don’t love it either.

    • Chiming in on the kids thing, if it’s relevant to your situation. Until 18 months, I raced home after my work to my baby to BF him. Since then, my husband and I have a pretty tight schedule of pick-up and dropoff from daycare. We have a default schedule that would allow me a max of 2 evenings to do something after work. But even a drink plus my commute means missing bedtime and not seeing my son until the next day. I’m all for doing this occasionally, to keep up with my friends, because they’re so important, too. But I feel guilty and I miss the connection with my kid, and I also really need to plan ahead (NOT 5 weeks, but sometimes one week) to respect my busy husband’s schedule too.
      If you try this with asking people to lunch, which is more flexible for most (I do it all the time), then you might get different responses.

    • Maybe also open your invite to include weekend brunch in addition to just happy hour? To be honest, if someone were to ask me out to do something, the date would be a few weeks out. Spring/summer get busy. Graduations, weddings, memorial day plans, etc.

    • anon associate :

      I have been in your position and am also the friend who annoys you. I don’t have kids and am single, but I often need to plan simple things weeks in advance. Right now, I’m booked all week, gone this weekend, and already booking next week. Then I’m gone for vacation. A usual week for me has a date (yay internet), when I’m doing that, a dinner with friends, and yoga. I’ve also had weeks where I’ve taken dance classes, which take up another night. Right now there’s lots of political stuff going on. If I need a day off to do chores, or just chill, there goes another day. I usually like to reserve at least one day for potentially working late. I might also look at my schedule for next week and if I have a hearing, won’t be scheduling anything for a few days prior so I can prepare.

      On the other hand, sometimes I do run into slow weeks with the chance to do something spontaneously. But all my friends are like me so I don’t count on being able to meet up.

    • I’m so sick of people who invite me to things hours before they want them to happen. First, because I often already have plans (even if it’s just a plan to go to bed early) and second, when it’s the same people doing it all the time I can tell that seeing me isn’t that important to them. If it were, they’d try to plan ahead every once in a while.

      • anon associate :

        +1

        Also, I’m a lawyer in private practice so my work day ends between 6:30 and 7:00, generally. Traffic in my city is awful. If you’re asking me to join you for something that starts before 7 (or god forbid, between 5-7), you’re basically asking me to leave work early, which may or may not be feasible, and THEN fight traffic. At least with more notice I can plan ahead and come into work early or stay late the day before.

      • Anon also :

        +1, if people only invite you last minute or to something they’re already doing and then guilt you about not hanging out with them more, it’s on them because they didn’t make you a priority.

        In my mid-thirties, married and no children, I often have to make plans 3 weeks out because my schedule is full of career goal time that is blocked out, family time, husband time, time with friends who actually commit to plans with me (opposed to hey, come hang with the group whenever because we’re already doing it anyway), and other firm appointments like doctor’s appointments, gym time, and club meetings.

        You could take this personally (poor me, I’m not a priority) or you could change your behavior, which you can actually control, if you want to keep this friendship.

      • So. Much. This!

    • My evenings fill up quickly, and I often have tough decisions to make about what I’m actually going to do sometimes. Some things are fixed, like dance classes, or shows I’ve already bought tickets for, and I hate bailing on people after agreeing to do a thing (and guhhh I hate people who respond to invites with “yeah, I might be down for that” or “we’ll see . . .”) And if I don’t set aside one evening a week for some me-time, mid-week lunch prep and errands, and actually getting to bed at a reasonable hour, I get overwhelmed. So yeah, sometimes it can be tough to make last-minute plans. But I do try to make some for someone sometime in the next couple weeks or so. Proposing a date 5 weeks from now seems a little nuts.

    • Baconpancakes :

      I think we’re just more scheduled than we used to be. Between gym classes, hobbies, continuing education, standing social events (like book clubs or board game night), making time to schedule date nights with our SO’s, and the wide circles of friends many people have thanks to the ease of keeping up with people on the internet, there’s just more STUFF.

    • I hate this, too.

    • I feel terrible about this, but I’m secretly avoiding my friends. We went to school together, and I was always older than the others, but I was always the life of the party. Now that I’m entering my mid-30s, I’m feeling REALLY older. I love my condo in the suburbs, I love going to bed at 9 and being productive early the next morning, I love having a quiet conversation somewhere chill. I had the best ever Friday night last week: went home and ate a bowl of my slow cooker dinner while sitting on the front porch having a glass of wine with my also mid-30s neighbor. I declined 2 happy hour invitations for that and don’t feel bad. So to go to a bar for happy hour really requires me to psych myself up…hence my delay tactic.

    • planning drinks :

      I’ve been the super-short planner and the friend who always says “no thanks, how about 3 weeks from now”. My hobby goes in bursts, so my friends know that if I’m in Hobby Mode, I can’t do things on short notice. When I’m not in Hobby Mode, I try to plan things a week or two in advance, but sometimes I’ll send a text to see if someone can meet up for lunch, drinks, dinner, whatever. None of us have BigLaw-type jobs, but if work is crazy, we generally just say that. But this is with my go-to group of friends, so maybe we just cut each other more slack? I have had friends and my DH complain that I NEVER accept invites (said in the little kid whiny voice, intentionally), even though they all know that’s not true. It sucks that when I’m free and in the mood to just randomly grab coffee, my friends aren’t, but at the same time, I’m the friend that can’t do things 2-4 weeks in advance because of Hobby Mode. I will say that this is very different from college, when everyone lived on campus or near campus, and we didn’t really have evening commitments. It was a huge adjustment to realize that we wouldn’t just grill on the weekend and people would show up, or you couldn’t just walk down the hall until you found someone doing something fun. I’m 10 years out of college and I still sometimes wonder why I actually have to “plan” and “host” instead of just randomly happening upon a fun thing to do with friends/acquaintances.

    • Anonymous :

      Meet them where they are. If they can only make plans 5 days out do that.

    • Anon also :

      What do your invitations sound like? Are they like “let me know when you want to get together”? Or are they more like “How does happy hour at 5:30 at X place on Y date sound?

      I feel for you. I also wonder if there is anything on your end that could make it easier for your friend to make plans with you? I am pointing this out because I am up to my eyeballs in frustration with a friend (who could be you) who refuses to do the emotional work of making plans. She invites me to invite her places, every.single.time. It gets old. This probably isn’t your case, but if it is, I hope this is helpful.

      • Anonymous :

        I’ve done both. I prefer – how about drinks/dinner/whatever on X date at Y time. Then I hear all about how they need to go home to do laundry or brush their dog’s hair or whatever. So then it turns into — give me a few dates that work for you and then I get a date for 5 weeks out, when the dog’s needs will be taken care of.

        • Anon also :

          Well, I feel your frustration then. You’ve done the work and made a good effort towards being a good friend. It’s a tough situation, tougher than it seems like it should be. I hope you treat yourself and don’t let yourself dwell on something/someone you can’t really control.

    • Anon booked ahead :

      Does your annoyance change if the date 5 weeks from now is actually their first available happy hour slot? I’m your friend, if you asked me to schedule a happy hour today, my first available weeknight date would be 5/24.

      Is your annoyance that they need time to psych like 30-something porch anon above, or that your friend books out too far in advance?

    • What sort of job do they have? When I worked for a consulting firm (though not traveling), I had to seriously work late on the other three Monday-Thursday nights in order to get out early enough for social events on one of those other four days, so ostensibly I had one free non-weekend night per week. Throw in an alumni event, a family member’s birthday, and spin class I’ve already registered for, and yeah – you may be a high priority for me but we were going to see each in a month.

      On the flip side, I sometimes had totally unexpected pockets of time completely randomly and never felt like it was acceptable to reach out to some friends spontaneously (some of the attitudes above reflect why), which didn’t help the chance we’d see each other. Maybe make it clear that you’re also open to those unexpected breakfast slots or sudden-notice evening strolls, if you are.

      • Anonymous :

        Good point about the job. Some friends want to schedule meetings for local charitable things or happy hours in the short time period between work and bedtime, but I just can’t manage that. Generally, they are state attorney types who work maybe 35 hours a week, in the kind of jobs where they’re always out to long “networking” lunches or playing fantasy football. They don’t seem to get that work takes closer to 55-60 hours a week for the rest of us and that there isn’t a lot of free time left after working, commuting, household maintenance, basic needs like getting food and sleep, and maintaining a relationship with a spouse.

  25. Sloan Sabbith :

    On Friday, my supervisor (male) and I were chatting about a former member of our team (also male). Everyone else on the team was and, except my supervisor, still is, female. We work in different offices but practice the same type of law. One time, supervisor and former member got frustrated that no one was making a decision and made it (it was when to schedule a phone meeting or something else relatively minor). Supervisor said “The others got so irritated- us taking charge. It was the guys telling the girls what to do. But we wanted a decision!”

    In the moment, I raised my brow a bit but didn’t say anything about “girls” because in the context of the sentence, it seemed innocuous and I would have done the same thing they did. If I had said something, it would have just been “…Girls?!?!” or something equally light but still noting the terminology. He would have been totally okay with me calling him out. He’s generally really good- he recognizes his white male privilege pretty often, if he doesn’t and I point it out he’s attentive to it going forward, and he’s an all around good guy.

    Would you have said anything?

    • no… “guys” and “girls” are on equal footing, in my book. If he had said “men” and “girls,” then maybe I would have said something. this is not worth getting upset over.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        That was my thought. Guys and girls, to me, is totally fine.

        Not upset- just been thinking about it this weekend and trying to figure out if my response was correct. I tend to not call things out when I should.

      • I agree. “Girls” does not bother me when said alongside “guys.”

    • Baconpancakes :

      Yeah, I think this was a minor slip up but agree that raising your eyebrow and saying “…girls?” would be appropriate, because he differentiated between the two as if there were expectations for each gender.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I think that’s what he was trying to get at- that the women felt like they were being typical domineering dudes and he understood the optics of the situation would read as off if you didn’t realize they just happened to be the ones willing to make a damn decision.

  26. This might be a little TMI but I know we’ve discussed other “gardening” issues here. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable and I’d like some outside perspective. I recently started seeing a great guy. The LGPs are mostly great but he doesn’t really give me any external stimulation. He’s only done or*l once. I’ve done it several times. He’ll use his hands a bit but he stops pretty quickly.

    He knows I have a gardening tool for external use (only – it’s not ph*llic at all). I suggested using it and he got very weirded out. He thinks he should be enough. I tried to reassure him – you can’t do everything at once so this will be an extra tool for you, and it’s external only which is great for when that area’s not as accessible. He begrudgingly said he would do it if I really wanted to. I said well obvi I want to, I suggested it, but I told him I didn’t want him to do anything that made him feel uncomfortable. He proceeded to not use it. I thought maybe he needed time to think about it but no we’ve hung out a couple of times since then and nothing.

    Like I said this guy’s great but I’m freaking out a little. I can’t see a future with someone who won’t use toys. I’ve been with other guys who thought that toys were a slight to their masculinity and it’s just so eye roll worthy. I think I want to attempt another conversation about this when we’re not in the mood. Help me presume good intentions and have a constructive conversation?

    • Wow that was long, sorry guys. Guess I have a lot more feelings about this than I realized.

    • Shoot. I would feel the same way you do.

      Is he very young and less experienced? Or is he embarrassed?

      This reads as selfish and insecure behavior to me, and would actually be a deal breaker if it didn’t change. Agree with trying to talk about at a separate time. Some guys don’t realize that women tend to need different simulation.

      • We’re both mid-30s. Idk how experienced he is. He seemed to legitimately not know what to do with or*l. I’ve been trying to give lots of encouragement and some light directions. I think some of this is a lack of confidence and maybe knowledge? We watched the Dave Chapelle special on Netflix and apparently that tuned him into the fact that maybe he’s should acknowledge that whole “bean” thing Dave was talking about.

        • Maybe he doesn’t know how to use the tool? Before you make any major decisions about this guy, why don’t you use the tool while gardening, so the pressure is off him. (Unintentional double entendre there! ;-)) I would hope that the demonstration would help him get it, both from a concept and execution perspective, so he can take more initiative in the future.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Nope nope nope. If he’s not willing to do what it takes to please you in bed, he’s not. willing. to. please. you. in. bed.

      Your responses aren’t about him. He needs to get over himself. Some people are perfectly content gardening with just hoses, but most people’s gardens don’t just grow from that. So… no.

      If you really, really, really like him, and he’s not selfish in other areas of life, you can try to talk to him about it. You can explain that despite what the industry has told him, his hose is not god’s gift to women, and that 60-70% of women (depending on the statistic source) need other things in bed, and that you, personally, the woman he is sleeping with, WANT other things in bed, and that should be enough of a motivation for him to try other things. BUT unless you guys are 19 years old, it’s unlikely that he’s just that clueless, and instead, it is most likely that he is selfish and egotistical in bed.

      Source: I had a LOT of pretty great LGPs in my early 20’s, but once I started with my SO, who is patient and actually interested in what I want in bed, it was a completely different game.

      • This. This is not a great guy–this is a selfish guy who, even if this is coming from a place of inexperience or intimidation, is willing to let inexperience and intimidation win out over actually attempting to make your gardening life work for both of you. And that is unacceptable.

    • Find yourself somebody who’s GGG. This guy does not sound at all like he is.

    • Anonymous :

      He doesn’t know what he’s doing, is what it sounds like to me. Or he’s just selfish. I’ve been married a long time, but in my dating days the only guys who wouldn’t give o ral, wouldn’t use their hands, and freaked out about toys were either crazy inexperienced (usually as a result of a conservative upbringing, which is hard to overcome) or flat-out didn’t care what I wanted or what felt good. One actually told me that in his opinion, gardening was for guys’ benefit and since most women just “went along with it” anyway, he wasn’t really worried about what worked for me or didn’t. There was definitely an “only bad girls like gardening” subtext there. (To which I was like, boy, bye.)

      I’m gonna break it down here: by the mid-thirties a guy who has hangups about gardening (i.e., it’s dirty) or who isn’t good at it, or who doesn’t care about “getting you there” is probably not going to change. What’s happening isn’t totally working for you. He should want it to work for you; that should matter to him. When I brought up toys with my now-husband, his only reaction was “heck yes.” He had no problems with it whatsoever. This issue deserves more exploration, but in my experience this is one of those relationship problems you can’t fix. Either he cares about making it good for you enough to make it good for you, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t – boy, bye.

    • I require LGP tools to successfully garden. If a man is not comfortable with that, then he’s the one to go not the tools. If he can’t get comfortable with it in a few weeks, find yourself a new gardening partner.

  27. Keilexandra :

    An FYI about the “dry clean” vs “dry clean only” thing: Online descriptions are NOT reliable in distinguishing the two! For example, Anthropologie always marks things online as “dry clean” but most of their dry-clean items actually say “dry clean only” on the care label itself. I think I’ve noticed this at Nordstrom too, so I now assume that it’s true for all online retailers.

  28. Finger lakes :

    Do you think this would be fun for the weekend with my husband and one year old? I went wine tasting there once and thought it was beautiful and low key. I found a cabin with pretty views and a grill. Was thinking early June- am open to other ideas too- thanks!

    • JuniorMinion :

      I love it there – I went to Cornell and I think the finger lakes region is seriously beautiful. It’s very low key / outdoorsy but fun in my experience and I am biased but would jump at the chance. June is really beautiful there – just be aware since the finger lakes are deep the water is COLD there. It is still cold in July and August as well.

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