Suit of the Week: Mixed Tweed Suit

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

Here’s my main question: why so short, Ann Taylor? If this navy cotton tweed suit looks great but for the miniskirt, note that the skirt DOES come in tall sizes up to size 18 (as well as petites, fwiw) — and there’s always the possibility that the model is crazy tall. Other than that, I like — the jacket is $198 and the skirt is $109. (Plus: one of their better sales is happening today — 50% off all sale items — and check out these adorable green heels (also green flats).

Looking for plus sizes? Here’s a tweed suit in plus sizes; and here are two tweed blazers to rock the separates look.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Comments

  1. Cookbooks :

    Dumb question: What’s the best way to pack clothes when moving?

    I’m moving this weekend, but due to come silly circumstances, my stuff will be held by the moving company for 4 days before I move into my new place next week. I have two large suitcases, but I don’t think they will hold everything, and I didn’t want to use wardrobe boxes because I’m moving about 5 min away. I’m staying with a friend in the meantime and only plan on bringing the bare minimum to get through a few days.

    • Flats Only :

      Why not use the wardrobe boxes? What are you doing with the rest of your stuff besides your clothes? Boxes, right?

      • I can’t speak for OP, but they are a lot more expensive than regular boxes. They are great for longer moves because they do keep things wrinkle free, but it may not be worth the price for a shorter move, even if they’ll be packed for 4+ days.

        • Cookbooks :

          Basically what Pompom said. I’ve used them in the past for a long distance move, but this is such a short move, and I’d rather not spend more than I must. If I have to iron things later because of wrinkles, then so be it.

    • For stuff on hangers, I just took big bunches off the bar, kept them on the hanger, and sort of folded them accordian style in the box until they fit, and then I just opened the box and hung them back up. Did this twice in 4 years with big moves and a large wardrobe, and no issues, no major wrinkles, etc. Folded stuff I just put in a box with an old dry cleaner bag on the bottom and on top in case moisture happened.

      • Cookbooks :

        Thanks muchly! I didn’t think of keeping them on the hangers. But that means I won’t end up with just a box full of them.

      • It also helps to put rubber bands around groups of hangers, so that they don’t get tangled, and to stack by placing one group hangers pointing left, next group hangers pointing right, so that they stack evenly up the box (otherwise bulky hangers will build up and the box will be lopsided).

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t have very fancy clothes, but I just threw them in regular boxes. Sweaters/jeans/etc. pack very well in rectangular boxes.

    • I kept all of my hangers together in groups of 5-10 (with a rubberband). Then dropped them into a garbage bag and tied the top around the hangers. The clothes didn’t get dirty that way. I had laid them in my backseat during the move though so they remained relatively wrinkle free.

    • Anonymous :

      When I moved a few months ago, I used the Amazon boxes that dog food comes in. Ask tour friends if they have any.

    • Anonymous :

      amazon sells a bar that you can hang clothes on, and it goes in the back seat of your car (clips on to each of the handles that are above the rear seats that people hold onto/hang their dry cleaning from). super easy to use.

    • Linda from HR :

      Moving myself these days, I put the nicer stuff in wide garment bags, and most other stuff in suitcases. What I did was take a bunch of clothes on hangers, and fold the clothes around the hangers. Some clothing stayed in the drawers and bins they’re always in, some were put in space bags, some were put in boxes around the heavier or more fragile items that were going to my new bedroom. Was it proper? Maybe not, but it’s been working all right.

      Finally, I recommend packing a week’s worth of clothing into a separate suitcase, so you’re not scrambling to find clothes you need when you’re in the process of unpacking.

  2. This doesn’t seem that short to me. It looks like the perfect length for the office. I will say, however, that I work in a very casual setting so my opinion may be a little skewed. This suit is very nice though.

  3. Anonymous :

    Can we continue this mornings 401k thread? It’s helpful to see how others approach this stuff.

    • Anonymous :

      157k at age 33 (single). Started maxing out at 26 post law school – though no contributions for a full yr due to clerking. Long slow slog with no match; have only recently gotten to the point where there’s enough principal that I can see sizeable gains when the market goes up – or losses when it goes down.

      • Wow that’s impressive! I’m similar situation but only at 100K in my 401K. 7 years post graduation, 6 BigLaw and 1 clerking. I’m just now starting to notice the gains/losses too. I didn’t contribute during my first year of BigLaw or while clerking. I threw about 50K at my loans my first year of BigLaw and while I understand it might financially have been better to put 18K of that in retirement the full burden of 190K in law school loans was getting to me and I just needed the number to be smaller for my own sanity. I do now have other retirement savings too and an emergency fund.

    • Anonymous :

      Also, I have a follow-up question on this. I saw that a few people broke out other investments, but most just gave a 401k/IRA amount. Do you all also have additional brokerage accounts that increase net worth/could ultimately become “retirement” funds, or are your savings pretty much limited to traditional retirement accounts?

      • Anonymous :

        I do a 401k and a taxable account – over the IRA limits unless I backdoor which I don’t currently. TBH idk what the brokerage account is for so I don’t count it as retirement savings per se – yet I hope that some % of that will supplement actual retirement savings.

      • I have a taxable account as well as IRAs – one Roth, one rollover – and 401k. I consider the taxable account additional emergency savings (it would have to be a true emergency with no other options for me to raid it, though). It can supplement my retirement savings if needed, but I consider it separate. About 100k in that account, it predates my marriage and it’s solely in my name and will remain that way.

        Otherwise, I’m 33, married, and have around $300k in my retirement accounts. My husband probably has around 100k.

        I started contributing to a Roth IRA when I was about 16. I started maxing it every year when I joined the military at 18, and continued til my income was too high. I’ve had a 401k match since leaving the military at 23, and have always contributed enough to get all of it. I bumped up my 401k contributions when I stopped contributing to the Roth, and have been maxing it (or nearly, in years I had maternity leave) for the last 5 years or so.

        I traveled a lot pre-kids, but I always paid myself first and had an auto-debit to my retirement accounts. For me, the best tactic was to set and forget. Whenever I got a raise, I bumped up my retirement savings by at least 50% of it and pretended the money didn’t exist. Could I use an extra $18k/year? Absolutely. But as far as I’m concerned it’s not mine to spend.

      • We have retirement vehicles, a short term savings account that is also our emergency fund, and a long term savings account that is “everything else.” Our balances are something 450k in retirement, 80k in short term savings and $150k in long term savings. We purchased our “forever” house (big house for the family) two years ago and prior to that had an additional $200k in there. We’ll rebuild the LT savings but not as fast as we built it up since our income is lower than it used to be.

      • Anon for this :

        I have about $60k in a trust that I inherited when my grandmother died. I can use it at any time. I do not contribute anything to it because my husband and I are not yet maxing our tax-advantaged accounts. Once we are able to max, we will probably explore other investments.

        I’m curious how many people had some sort of inheritance or help, especially those who started contributing early to Roth IRAs. I was putting money in my Roth in college, but only because my parents were covering my living expenses. There’s no way I would have put $3k into a Roth when my take-home salary for the summer was $4000.

        • I started early- just a few hundred in college and definitely not the full 5k when I graduated and made 27500/yr. But i contributed to my generous 403(b) up to the match (it was a really good match) and I did both IRA and 403(b) Roth.

          I had no parental help and $25k of loans coming out of undergrad. I made $27500 at my full time job, and worked a part time job and babysat as a side hustle. I had basically no life. Then I went to grad school part time while working (for free; I worked at a big university) and kept working my side hustles. I then got a better job, made 55k then 65k then a job making 85k/90k/130k/180k over a 7 year tenure. Now I have my own business and have a self employed 401k that I max out.

          I did it from the beginning so I’ve never known any different.

    • Anonymous :

      My boyfriend and I compete to see how much we can save for retirement so it’s a pretty fun topic for me.

      I’m 26 and have about $57k between my retirement accounts. I save between 10-20% into TSP at any given time and max out my IRA. Even though my parents helped me quite a bit by paying for school, I like to think I’m doing pretty well for a GS-9.

      Part of what drives me to save for retirement is the idea that I can be working longer than I’ve been alive. I’d like to give myself the option of retiring early if possible.

      • You are smart, but you need to save even more if you have a goverment job. I was a GS-5 in the summer job, and I had NO money. Dad had to subsidise me for the summer b/c I had to rent an apartement. If you are carful, you will be OK, but make sure if he does not drink, to MARRY your boyfreind and then you will be settled. I must find a boyfreind who saves, like yours, not drink’s like my ex, Sheketovits. FOOEY on him. I gave him everything, and wound up with squat! Tripel FOOEY on him!

    • a millenial :

      I’m 28 and have 56k in a rollover IRA (from a previous work 401k) and another 10k in my current company’s 401k, making a total of 66k purely for retirement. I have 37k in a roth IRA but plan on removing the principal (34k) for a down payment in the next year or two. I had additional brokerage + savings accounts totaling 25k, but that’s also earmarked for a downpayment.

      I started contributing to a 401k at 22 at my first job for 2 years, did 3 years of grad school in which I just contributed to my roth ira, and now have been working again for a year (401k + roth ira contributions). I live in SF and work at a near public sector job so I have pretty moderate pay for the area – but I’ve saving as aggressively as possible and plan to continue to do so for when I move again and can purchase a home. my down payment goal is $60k by end of 2018.

  4. Cookbooks :

    Er, SOME silly circumstances.

  5. Anonymous :

    157k at age 33 (single). Started maxing out at 26 post law school – though no contributions for a full yr due to clerking. Long slow slog with no match; have only recently gotten to the point where there’s enough prinicipal that I can see sizeable gains when the market goes up – or losses when it goes down.

  6. Baconpancakes :

    Looking for two recommendations:

    1) favorite mattifying primer with SPF
    2) foam roller and how best to use it. I recall the last PT I went to suggested it, but I’m not sure what to get and I’m no longer seeing her. Bumps? No bumps? Big? Small?

    Any suggestions would be appreciated!

    • On the foam roller, I have the “extra firm” one in 36 inch length. I find it plenty intense. The bumpy ones, IME, are usually more intense, even painful.

      https://www.amazon.com/LuxFit-Extra-Roller-6-Inch-12-Inch/dp/B00KAEJ3VI/ref=sr_1_5?s=exercise-and-fitness&ie=UTF8&qid=1503517146&sr=1-5&keywords=foam+roller

      What muscle areas are you wanting to use it for? I ran a quick search and this looks like pretty much everything I use mine for I think.

      http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/foam-roller-exercises/slide/8

      • Also, depending on what you want it for, you may want to get a lacrosse ball as well. I use one sometimes on particularly tight areas (lately that tends to be my rhomboids, but sometimes it’s glutes or hips), and on my feet. They’re like five bucks or something, and well worth it.

        • Baconpancakes :

          IT band, adductors, quads.

          • The foam roller is probably your best bet then — a lacrosse ball might be too intense for IT band especially.

          • I strongly recommend you do not use the foam roller on your IT band. You don’t know me. I am not a doctor or a PT, but I had significant IT band issues last year and foam rolling did nothing but make it more painful.

            You can Google and do your own research if you’d like. Here’s one article http://www.stack.com/a/foam-roll-it-band

          • Interesting link, thanks CountC. Personally, my IT never really bothers me, but I do have a lot of tightness in my glute medius (which I ended up going to PT for 5 or 6 years ago), and foam rolling my hip makes it feel way better.

    • KateMiddletown :

      the best foam roller is the high density black one they sell on Amazon. it’s like $18 and the high-density can’t be beat. (don’t screw around with anything that squishes in when you touch it – it will compress into a not-perfect cylinder over time and thus won’t roll.) you can youtube some good foam rolling videos (tone it up has a good one) but i like just laying on it either vertically or horizontally and rolling it up and down or side to side on my back. i also like to do my hams and quads – put the roller under you and just move your body back and forth on it. it looks v dumb so do it at home vs the gym!

    • Anonymous :

      As a follow up to your question, this is probably dumb but is it important to use a foam roller after working out? Should I be doing that?

      • Maddie Ross :

        Should you? Meh. Does it help? I think so. But not necessarily more than other stretching or yoga in my opinion.

      • Not dumb at all!!

        I probably do it … a couple of times a month. The principle, as I understand it, is that sometimes when you have a knot in your muscle, stretching alone won’t release it. Instead it requires pressure from a massage or a foam roller to get it out. I would not say it’s a requirement, as far as I’ve ever read, but if your muscles feel tight you might find it beneficial.

    • I would love to hear your thoughts: :

      1)Hourglass Mineral Veil Primer has SPF 15 I believe or Becca EverMatte
      2)Use it for back pain with no bumps – got a black foam one from amazon

    • Love my non-bumpy foam roller from Amazon. Check out r/flexibility, from where I’ve started doing this routine to improve my agility: https://www.t-nation.com/training/defranco-agile-8 (warning – pic of huge muscular dude at top of that link but the YouTube video is A+ to see the exercises in action)

      My PT actually said these exercises are good for my particular area of need (pelvic flr).

    • anonypotamus :

      I have a shorter foam roller thanks to space considerations in my studio apartment, but honestly, for glute/IT band issues, I actually prefer to roll with a foam ball I have called the Orb. I have the 5inch one and its perfect for digging into my hips/glutes without being too intense. It also works great for the hamstrings and in between the shoulder blades.

    • Anonymous :

      For the mattifying primer, I swear by Chanel Le Blanc. It’s perfect and even on the hottest of days in the Texas summer, my foundation stays put. Worth every penny.

  7. Anonymous :

    Did you have a labor/delivery like your mom’s? My mom was two weeks late with me and then had a really long labor and I’m curious to gather some anecdata about whether I can expect the same thing (or at least an induction at 41 weeks and change because my OB seems disinclined to let me go to 42 weeks).

    • No, my mom had both my sister and I within a day or two of her due date and I was 6 days late. My mom had super fast labors (6 hours and 4 hours) and I was in labor for 26 hours.

    • I haven’t had kids but my mom and sister had pretty much identical labors. Mom was in labor with older sister for 36 hours and then with me for 45 minutes. Sister labored for her first for 32 hours and then had the second one in 90 minutes.

      • Anonymous :

        This was my mom with me (older) and brother (younger).

        I feel like I hear about first-time labors just being longer in general, with the subsequent going more quickly. Obviously not true for everyone, but I’d be curious what the data has to say about first-born vs subsequent.

    • Not even close. My mom was overdue with all five kids and we were all routine vaginal births. My two were each about two weeks early and ended up as c-sections because my membranes ruptured, but my uterus couldn’t be bothered to show up to the party.

    • My mom was a chain smoker, had three < 6lb babies and got knocked out completely to give birth. I was born I. 1965. My kids were born in 1995, 2001 and 2002 and it was nothing like that!

    • Yes, both times.

      My mom was late with all 3 kids (3 weeks/1week/4days). I was 11 days late with the first and induced at 41+6 with the second.

      Manageable deliveries both times (mom didn’t do an epi, I did but the second time especially I probably could have gone without).

    • Not really. I was born 2 weeks late, and it was a tough delivery involving forceps. My first was 4 weeks early and no trouble at all getting her out (I’m sure it helped that she was 2 lb smaller than I was at birth). My mom’s second L&D was easier but probably 12 hours. My second labor was 3 hrs. So we are not really much alike at all! Interestingly, my labors were much more like my MIL’s.

  8. Agree with Kat. This is too short. It’s for pretend business ladies, like ladies who lunch doing board work, or basically Legally Blonde.

    • Flats Only :

      Or for those of us who are 5’1″! Ha ha ha – shorties win!

      • Good point. 5’11” me would look like Lurch in this – sleeves too short, skirt too short.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      It would work with black tights.

      • Anonymous :

        That might look too stark. I love me some black tights, but here I think they only fix the length issue (but create another one).

      • I mean, CAN you wear this length? Probably. You probably wouldn’t get sent home to change.

        But for the young women on here wanting advice about how to look more professional, serious and established, just don’t wear really short skirts. That is just about all the men will remember you for, I’m sorry to say. I came up during the Ally mcBeal era and learned the hard way.

      • Except it’s navy, so it’d look really off w black tights.

    • Anonattorney :

      I was in London recently and I was surprised at the number of short skirts + black tights. I get that black tights can sort of make up for a short skirt, but I still thought they were rocking some skirt lengths that I haven’t seen stateside (or at least in my region).

    • Anonymous :

      Hey! Elle Woods always had work appropriate length skirts. Just sometimes they were pink.

  9. Anonymous :

    Is there anyone in Houston with a good therapist recommendation? I fear depression is popping up again… thanks in advance!

  10. Anonymous :

    If you’re craving chickpeas – like Indian style Chana masala or a similar dish – do you think that implies a nutritional deficiency? If so – for what?? I am the type of person who craves food that I need – burgers, spinach for iron etc. Not sure if chickpeas fall in that category. Earliest I can get Indian food is Friday due to lunch/dinner commitments btwn now and then; had falafel earlier in the week and it did not hit the spot for the craving.

    • Buy a can of chickpeas, throw some salad dressing on them.

    • Can you get those roasted chick pea snacks at the market? Saffron Road makes some (I swear I don’t work for them!)

    • Hmmm maybe you just like Chana masala? I’m not a big believe in your body craving what you need (I call BS on my body “needing” Reese’s peanut butter cups and gin and tonics) but offhand I’d say protein, fiber and maybe whatever turmeric has in it that’s supposed to be good for you.

      • Anonymous :

        I think the think about your body craving certain foods applies to craving healthy, vitamin/mineral dense foods. It doesn’t apply when you crave cake – bc then you just want cake and presumably the sugar. I think the craving thing is true when it’s for random healthy things that you don’t otherwise eat.

      • I dunno, I think my *mind* needs the garbage and the booze more than my body. And my mind is part of my body, right? ;-)

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t think there’s any scientific evidence that your body craves what you need, except that you need water when you get thirsty. I crave a lot of unhealthy foods and also get random cravings for healthy foods that I don’t believe are linked to any nutritional deficiency. But if you want to eat chickpeas what about hummus? It’s made from chickpeas.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I don’t think that all cravings are tied to a nutritional deficiency. Sometimes I just want to eat a particular food. But from a brief google search, if you’re craving chickpeas it could be a sign that you need omega-3s or calcium. So, if you can, eat salmon, nuts, lentils, leafy greens, flax, or dairy.

    • givemyregards :

      Just did a quick search for nutritional value of chickpeas and it looks like they are relatively high in iron, magnesium, phosphorus, and copper, and very high in manganese. Another quick search reveals that manganese deficiency is pretty rare, and since you’ve craved foods rich in iron before, iron would be my guess if it’s a nutritional need your body is signaling.

      Having said the above, I get really strong cravings for random stuff all the time (sometimes lasting for a few days or a week) and chana masala is delicious so maybe you’re just craving it for no reason? My guess is it’s not related to a deficiency.

    • Hummus cups!

    • Get the frozen chana masala from Trader Joe’s! I find it comparable to restaurant chana masala.

    • Anonymous :

      There is no evidence that craving things means that you are nutritionally deficient. Sometimes we want foods because they taste good.

      • Anonymous :

        Although there is an observed correlation between the craving to chew ice and iron deficiency. Don’t know why there is, but it’s there.

  11. Anonymous :

    I have realized that button-downs hang a lot better on me if they have no back pleats (either center or side).

    Where can I buy some silky (rayon/polyester/etc) shirts, classic button-down with collar, that don’t have back pleats? Unfortunately this seems hard to find — a lot of the silky button-downs I see recommended here (eg Uniqlo rayon blouse, Banana Republic Dillon) do have a back pleat.

    • KateMiddletown :

      equipment?

      • Anonymous :

        It looks like their main styles (Slim Signature Silk Shirt and Essential Silk Shirt) do have back pleats. And I’m more in the $20 range than the $200 range. They do make lovely shirts, though!

        • KateMiddletown :

          Fair. I borrowed a really nice one from my sister a few years ago from J Crew – they release it seasonally I believe. I’m not a good button down girl though because of bust issues. They make me look like a tent!

          • KateMiddletown :

            Oh – Lands End is one that didn’t work for me but they don’t have pleats. Good luck!

          • Anonymous :

            Thanks for the suggestions! I just checked the J Crew and Land’s End websites — they don’t seem to have anything now, but I will check again when fall hits.

        • I would love to hear your thoughts: :

          Nordstrom Rack almost always has equipment for the cheap!

    • Anonymous :

      LOFT Utility Blouse

  12. How soon is too soon to get another pet after putting one down? I’ve consistently had a pet (or two) most of my life. I put down my senior cat a couple weeks ago, and someone tell me that I’m being insane thinking about getting another cat within the next couple weeks. The house just feels so strange without a pet.

    • Anon in NYC :

      The right time is whenever you want to get another pet.

      • Anonymous :

        When you want a new pet as opposed to a replacement pet. That was the advice I got and found it helpful.

    • Absolutely. Get another cat and screw the haters. (But not literally. They don’t deserve it)

    • Anonymous :

      A new kitty will help you heal.

    • Anonymous :

      Exactly. It can be really healing to have another little body around. I started looking for another cat within weeks of mine passing, too, and it was the right decision.

    • I think you should go ahead and get another one whenever you feel ready. I rely so much on my cat for comfort that I can’t picture not having one for even a few weeks either. One piece of advice I’ve gotten is just not to get a new pet who looks too much like your recently deceased one. You want to make sure this new friend gets to have his/her own identity and a new place in your heart.

    • AnotherNon :

      Anytime you’d like. Even the day after.

    • Baconpancakes :

      A cat is not a spouse. You can get a new cat. But as Monday points out, maybe get one with a distinctly different personality or different coloring.

      • Anonymous :

        There is a fashion/lifestyle blogger I follow whose husband died of cancer and she remarried something like 84 days later. 84!

        • Freckled fox? Whose new husband managed to shoot her in the knee while cleaning his gun in the dining room? I am all out of words for her.

          • Anonymous :

            Yes!! I feel HORRIBLE for the kids in that family but man, the schadenfreude is delicious.

          • WHAT?!?

            As someone who is relatively comfortable around guns and knows how to clean them, you don’t accidentally shoot someone while cleaning a gun. That is not a thing.

          • Anonymous :

            Torin, she was in the kitchen with the KIDS and he managed to shoot her in the knee.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            @ Torin, I don’t know anything about the incident in question but people w/ glocks have been known to shoot themselves if they don’t properly clear the chamber since you have to pull the trigger to take it apart. Some people pull the mag, forget the round in the chamber and pull the trigger. That’s why smart gun owners always treat it as if it was loaded and point it at the ground (if on the ground floor) while taking it apart.

          • Ah, TBF, I don’t own a glock. I SUPPOSE that makes sense. If you’re a careless idiot.

          • Anonymous :

            I’ve also heard never point at the floor — downrange only.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            @ 5:00 pm. You are probably right. I was just a part of a conversation about the pros and cons of various models and I remember hearing the above about how you have to be extra careful taking it apart to clean because you have to pull the trigger and make sure it is safe to do so.

            I was curious and read her blog post. He managed to shoot himself too with the same bullet so I’d be really surprised if he was intending to shoot her.

        • Don’t judge. You don’t know her life. Seriously with what happened to Patton Oswald… I just can’t. You do not know what you would do. Nursing someone through terminal cancer – she deserves whatever she wants.

          • Anonymous :

            Going out and marrying a Daddy replacement would probably not be my first instinct.

          • Anonymous :

            Patton Oswalt is totally different. His new fiance seems sane and not abusive, and his engagement happened about a year after he lost his wife. I don’t think this is really about how long it’s “appropriate” for a widow to grieve. Widowed or not, I simply wouldn’t marry someone who my kids had known less than three months if I had children under 18 living at home with me. It’s not long enough for the kids to get to know the step-parent. If you’re childless or have adult kids, no judgment, remarry as quickly as you want. But it’s different with young kids in the picture.

        • Freckled Fox? :

          That whole situation is crazy. Not just the remarrying-super-quickly thing, but also new husband seems crazy and maybe abusive? The whole “accidental” shooting? Eek. I feel really bad for the kids.

          • No judgment on the remarriage here. They knew each other for a while before even her first marriage, I think.

            BUT THAT GUN THING?! eek.

          • Also the post detailing every last minute of the weekend leading up to the incident smacks of “I guess I should get my story straight…” which is totally creepy. This poor family.

        • Thisperson1 :

          And… googling “Freckled Fox” right now…

        • I think this is unfair. I’ve never had a spouse die from a terminal illness but I’ve watched a parent and an aunt nurse their respective spouses through terminal illness. In both cases a lot of the moving on happens before the spouse dies. The grief is just different once the person is gone. Especially in the case of my father, my mother was bedridden and didn’t know who he was for the last year of her illness. My mother died in most of the meaningful spousal ways long before her body gave way.

          • Anonymous :

            HER NEW HUSBAND SHOT HER. In front of her kids.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            He shot himself, in the exact same shot, in front of his friend, while they were cleaning their guns. It really sounds like an accident unless you are super creative.

          • AND SHE POSTS ABOUT IT ALL ON THE INTERNET. Totally different than Patton Oswalt. (Although that also rubbed me the wrong way a little bit.)

          • Anonymous :

            The thing that creeps me out about Patton Oswalt is that his fiancé looks exactly like his dead wife. Also she’s reportedly a grief counselor which makes me wonder if she was HIS grief counselor. The timing doesn’t seem that unusual to me though.

          • Senior Attorney :

            I think it’s not unusual for people, especially men, to have a physical “type.” I could be the sister of my husband’s late wife, and the woman he dated in between could be our third sister.

          • Anonymous :

            If you think that Patton Oswalt has a type, have you seen Lance Armstrong’s exes? They all look like Tory Burch (also an ex). It is almost shocking how fungible they are (with a possible variance of Sheryl Crow, but it’s not like she’s a non-thin non-blonde person).

    • I feel like it’s very odd to judge someone for getting a cat too soon after losing a cat. I mean, there are plenty of people who have more than one cat at a time. It’s not like a husband.

    • I had picked out a new dog within a month of putting down my last dog, and he was home with me a month later. I think you know.

    • I thought I would wait a while to get another dog after I put my dog down and month and a half ago. Welp, my house was an empty hole and I adopted a dog three weeks later. No regrets.

      If you want to get a cat, get a cat! She/he isn’t a replacement for your last cat, she/he is a new friend :)

  13. I’m at the beginning of my second trimester of pregnancy and I feel uncomfortable and breathless after eating even a small meal, like a 300 calorie frozen lunch. I’m ok with a snack like a banana or a string cheese, but basically if I eat anything resembling a normal meal I feel very very uncomfortably full for 2+ hours afterward. It’s easy enough to avoid buffets and large meals but it’s becoming very frustrating that I can’t eat more than a few bites in one sitting. I’ve heard of this happening late in the third trimester when your uterus is so huge there’s no room for your stomach, but my uterus is just barely above my pelvis at this point. I plan to ask my doctor about it at my next appointment but was wondering if anyone had any advice or had experienced a similar thing.

    • Yeah, it’s a normal pregnancy thing, in my experience. It can come and go, as baby and organs shift around and settle. Sometimes accompanied by heartburn too, which is fun. Always good to check in with your doctor, but just wanted to give some hope that it might not stay this way the whole time.

    • Two thoughts – reflux or allergies.

      Reflux can happen earlier and the burning feeling in the esophagus can feel like fullness.

      Allergies to ingredients like wheat (for me) can make me feel stuffy and like I can’t take a deep breath.

    • Anonattorney :

      I had shortness of breath during my first pregnancy, way earlier than I was supposed to be getting it. Just weird minor shortness of breath, but enough that it was noticeable and distracting. I talked to my doc and she said it was probably in my head. Now that I’m pregnant with my second, I’m having it again at 11 weeks. I don’t know what it means, but I think it’ can be a thing.

  14. Anonymous :

    My department is trying to hire an additional person in my role and aren’t having any luck; do I tell them it’s because the pay is laughably low or do I let them figure that out on their own, because right now everyone is standing around going “We haven’t had any good candidates, it’s so weird!”

    I mean, I won’t actually say anything but come on guys let’s be real.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Why wouldn’t you tell them?

    • I have had this happen, twice (once when backfilling a position I was promoted out of; again, when I was helping recruit and hire a replacement for when I moved and went remote/downshifted with the org).

      My boss kept saying things like “ooh, maybe I can try to get more money for this position” and I was not-very-secretly saying “…yes, but all the people who are already here, working for laughably low pay, need raises first/too.” It can be hard to advocate for your existing role while trying to participate in recruitment for a similar one when all-around pay is too low.

      It didn’t happen. The backfill position was vacant for a year before they filled it, and the person is apparently not very good.

  15. Donors Choose fans. There’s a match on today from Bill and Melinda Gates, up to $40 per project, using code GATES

  16. I would love to hear your thoughts: :

    What is something you wish or hope to do for yourself as a woman before having kids? For me this was travelling to my list of dream destination spots, even as silly as get all my “indulgent things” like that certain bag which when I am a mom I may or may not feel mommy guilt about getting. As well as receiving an advanced education and doing extensive therapy to unpack my trauma and childhood issues before family planning. But are there other things? They can be small and silly all the way up to deep or big stuff like finances or whatever.

    • I know you have received therapy but I really wish I had started anti-depressants before having kids, rather than holding out for as long as I did trying to stay “natural”.

      In terms of silly things… maybe figure out a low maintenance style for yourself. It seems shallow to worry about “letting yourself go”, but these type of things have a compounding effect on your mood, and it’s a tough rut to climb out of.

      I kind of wish I hadn’t bought so many handbags pre-kids. By the time I got back to carrying regular purses over diaper bags a lot of mine were out of style or simply weren’t what I wanted to carry anymore. Definitely don’t hoard designer shoes as your feet can change. Mine flattened out to around half a size bigger.

      • Thank you so much for *getting it*. About the anti-depressants, did you feel like after kids you realized you wanted/needed it or do you think just overall you wish you started sooner? Good point about the bags. For me it was just one bag that is widely known for some as a classic and so I decided to invest while still having the disposable income for it. Not interested in designer shoes at all, and definitely a minimalist – my whole wardrobe can fit in 2 suitcases. The “letting yourself go” thing is like the biggest thing – especially now as someone who works out alot. I worry about not having time to be able to keep to that routine not living close to family. I wonder how most women combat that feeling of “letting themselves go” or not “feeling the same”.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t mean to pick on you but your question really rubbed me the wrong way. Look I was with you on the first sentence, I was even with you to some extent on the travel thing. Yes I know you can still travel when you have kids but maybe I want to be past the drinking (etc.) my face off in Amsterdam phase of my life before having kids. Cool, I get it.

      But when you start talking about not occasionally treating yourself because of “mommy guilt”… no. I cannot stand this attitude that mother is another word for martyr, and if you don’t completely sacrifice everything that makes you an individual then you’re doing motherhood wrong. You’re not preparing for the end of your life here. You’re preparing to welcome a new person into the world, and that new person will open all kinds of doors for you.

      • PLEASE do not get your panties bunch here. I know mothers can do all of these things. What I am trying to say is what made you feel more ready and less apprehensive. for ME, when my mother had kids she was not able to go back for her PHD like she originally planned and she did not unpack her trauma and it was taken out on me. AGAIN, mothers can do all these things I am aware!!!!

        • Sounds like you should perhaps return for a bit more therapy first…..

        • Anonymous :

          I am saying this out of a place of love. I think you need more therapy before you become a mother. Dragging all your stuff from the way you were parented into parenting your own children makes becoming a mother so much harder. You seem to still be struggling with anger reactions triggered by memories of your own upbringing – please get some more help with this before you move forward with having children. Thinking good thoughts for you.

    • Mothers can and do accomplish all the things you listed here. Mothers can travel and go to school and buy bags.

    • OP CLARIFYING :

      LET ME RE-PHRASE BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO DEFEND MY QUESTION ALL DAY LONG:
      -I am wanting to hear YOUR thoughts on what made YOU feel more ready/less apprehensive about starting a family.
      -I am NOT asking for help or suggestions! I already listed what I have done and what made me feel less apprehensive
      – I am 100000% aware mothers can do ALL these things and MORE.
      – I am saying that extensive travel and therapy are among things MY mother didnt do which I felt I wanted to do so that I would feel BETTER POSITIONED AND LESS APPREHENSIVE AS A CAREER DRIVEN AND CURRENTLY INDEPENDENT WOMAN :)

      Hopefully I made that clear and now people who *get* what I am saying can comment and we can trade anecdotes. This is a HARMLESS QUESTION about your personal stories of feeling less apprehensive and MORE READY about this new chapter. THATS ALL! I COME IN PEACE, OKAY?

      • Deep breaths, OP. Deep breaths.

        • *takes deep breaths* when you literally just post a question – not trying to offend every mother in life and you get skewered omg lol!

          • I don’t get what you are trying to get at with your question. I also think it silly, and and with the other posters who say that you need more therapy.

      • Anxiety or bad job? :

        Yeah, I still don’t completely get what you’re asking, but I’ll bite. It is impossible to feel completely prepared. Most of the things that I worried about prior to motherhood didn’t come to pass. Other areas, where I felt competent and prepared, posed real challenges and issues that I couldn’t have possibly anticipated. I really think you could make yourself crazy trying to plan for all the ways that you want to treat yo’self as a woman before motherhood.

        • Oh gosh, that is an interesting point. So how exactly can a Type A prepare? Everyone I know says there’s no preparing but they did say what they wish they did like *”get all your sleep now!”* *”take your time!”* and things like that.

          • Anxiety or bad job? :

            Learn how to be less Type A? ;) I kid, I kid. But seriously, learning to let go and getting better at not sweating the small stuff would’ve helped me more than anything.

            If I could go back in time, I would spend a lot more time thinking about what kind of support I’d need after kids, both emotionally and logistically. Some of that you just can’t know, but when sh*it hits the fan, you’re dealing with it while incredibly sleep deprived and possibly at a reduced capacity than what you’re used to.

      • Things to do before motherhood: get a handle on your temper.

        • Thank you internet stranger that knows me in real life… in which I don’t have a temper?! lol

          • Wow, you may not have a temper but you are the most defensive person I’ve seen here, and that’s saying something.

      • Somebody should disable your cap locks key.

        • Lol… I may seem defensive but seeing as how we don’t know each other – I do not think that’s for you to decide. I was trying to stop my question/thread of being derailed! I dont have a temper nor do I have anything to be defensive about to anonymous posters. But on this site, threads get derailed verrrrry fast once 1 or more people take it the wrong way.

        • I may be Caps happy when trying to make a point but I wonder what flaws you can post here to be criticized about. Let’s not judge people – especially ones you do not know.

      • What made me more ready for the motherhood is getting a raise that brought my salary to the point where I could afford to be a single mom if the worst had happened. My grandma told me when I was a teen – never have kids until you are in a place where you can raise them on your own. In life shit happens – people divorce, people die. You have to be able to provide for your child on your own before having them.

    • Anonymous :

      I get your question and don’t take offense to it. I think it’s an uncontroversial statement that 1) it’s possible to feel more prepared after accomplishing certain things and 2) it’s not impossible, but it is harder to do bucket list items with a full time dependent.

      Things I want to do:

      1) Own a home and settle into it for a bit. I know too many people that buy a house because “crap we need more space with kid” and end up half renovated/painted/moved in when the kid comes.
      2) Travel solo more
      3) Build up an emergency fund of 6 mths income
      4) Get life insurance

      • THANK YOU. You get me.

        Agree 100% on the house and solo travel! Income too and all the insurances. 401K’s and investment streams too the way daycares & nanny prices look these days.

      • OP – I agree that sometimes folks jump all over you for an innocuous question.
        Yours may not have been worded exactly right but I agree with (2) as phrased by Anonymous above.
        I would add to the above list:
        – do some rugged travel that is harder to do with very young kids. For example, hiking or backpack camping is hard when you have kids that need diaper changes and can’t walk too far without having to be carried.
        Even skiing is hard with babies or toddlers until they are of an age to get on skis themselves, so what with pregnancy, it was easily 4-5 years before I could ski again (and then you may have baby #2 to contend with). Traveling in East Asia and eating street food and living in youth hostels if that’s your kind of vacation.
        – do some fancy or romantic travel: Paris for example. Young kids get bored in fancy restaurants and the experience is not as much fun for you.
        – do a sport that requires daily training: for example running a triathlon or getting your yoga teacher certification or going away to a meditation retreat for 3 days.
        – watch marathon movies in the theater one after another
        – learn a new skill like rowing or sailing or roller blading or whatever you wanted to learn as a kid

    • I GIVE UP. Thanks for the people who *got* my question. Clearly there were mothers on this thread that somehow felt it was a slight to them which is really frickin weird because I stated “What is something you wish or hope to do for yourself as a woman before having kids?” which I really don’t see how that is offensive. Instead of putting words in my mouth and saying I am “patronizing” or that “mothers can do all of these things too” obviously! I stated exactly what I was asking…. what you wish you did for yourself BEFORE becoming a mother. Sigh… this can be a weird site. Its great sometimes and them sometimes random people jump on you and tell you you have a temper because you are CAPS HAPPY but really you just find it amusing when trying to drive a point to strangers on the internet? Lol

    • Well that escalated quickly.

  17. Rainbow Hair :

    Hey, remember that purple Lauren Ralph Lauren dress that I bought for the “black tie optional” and “formal attire requested” events I’m going to for work? I got Macy’s to price match and ship for free (so that returns would be possible) and I *love* it! My husband said, all shocked, “you look so… elegant!” Next stops, shoes and hemming! [dancing lady emojis x many]

  18. women's work :

    I think as women we get stuck with so many administrative duties simply because we are the first to remember or think about doing them. I’m talking about things like preparing meeting agendas, minutes, things that men don’t find important until someone doesn’t do them, and it feels like if I don’t do it then I will get blamed for it not getting done. Doesn’t seem to matter how senior or experienced I am compared to the men in the group either. Must be nice to be a man and never have to worry about administrative logistics.

    • I would love to hear your thoughts: :

      AGREED. On my team seems like I get stuck with the “busy work” which has been fine for a while because I was balancing school with work but now I am increasingly more annoyed with what is clearly about gender here.

    • Lorelai Gilmore :

      Dude. STOP DOING THIS. Find the most junior man on the team, and sit him down in your office, and say, “Hello, Junior. As the junior person on this team, here are some of the things I expect from you. You will prepare and circulate meeting agendas in advance; take minutes during the meeting; and circulate them after the meeting. Agendas must be circulated one business day prior to the meeting and minutes have to go out within 24 hours of the meeting. This is an important role and I’m glad you’ll be taking it on.”

      Then hold him to it. Depending on how senior you are, tell your boss that this is happening. Or just delegate if you are senior enough.

    • Anonymous :

      Make yourself not good at it. Seriously. I will always remember that advice from a female partner at a major NYC vault firm in her 60s. Back in the day where there weren’t computers at every desk (though every atty had an assistant), it was assumed that any briefs etc that needed to be typed up fast/after hours when assistants were gone would be done by the female associates. She played the — sorry I don’t know how to type, I guess you’ll have to wait until tomorrow — card every single time until people stopped coming to her for typing and assumed – okay you can research and write the brief but we’ll wait for the assistant to come in tomorrow morning to type it up.

      I am not that blatant but I am similar in terms of being “disorganized” enough (but not so disorganized that ppl won’t trust me) and having enough “attitude” that you don’t want to turn to me for a agenda or to set up the conference call/meeting invite unless you absolutely have no other option.

      • Anonymous :

        Yep at I do what 4:48 did – if I’m assigned a junior associate/legal assistant task, I hand it off to a junior – even if it is a male junior. You do that enough times and ppl start bypassing you and going to the junior directly.

      • I have never learned how to transfer a phone call without hanging up. Same strategy, and it works!

        I am now fortunate to be the only woman on a team of 4 managers, and am the most senior of them. The guys are all falling all over themselves to make sure they don’t seem sexist, and I delegate administrative tasks to them or our staff all the time.

    • To me, it’s because you only think about the stuff you’ve been taught to care about. Men are able to look at the grass and realize it is too long. They are also very capable of looking at the fridge and realizing you need more milk – they just haven’t been taught to care about it. Same at work. They can look at a document and write down the need for a different note in the footer, but they can’t look at an agenda and write down the resolution to the topic? No. They are capable of remembering and thinking about it, they just don’t because they’ve been taught that someone else will do it for them. (And that “someone else” is almost always a woman, for laundry or food or notes or whatever. Hence the gender problem.)

      I don’t know how you fix it because as you said, you get blamed if you don’t do it. But I’d rather take the blame and act surprised that they expected me to do it in the first place. “Oh you set up the meeting, I assumed you had an agenda in mind.” “Sorry, my handwriting is terrible. John, why don’t you take the notes this time?” “What a shame no one cleaned up the meeting room! Did you arrange that with someone ahead of time? Do you think you should put up a note?”

      • Anonymous :

        Why do people (women) care so much if they get the blame? I mean I’d care if I was in a brand new job in week 1. But if you’re an established person at your job and pulling your weight, why can’t you take an attitude of doing admin BS and/or just not do it and then act like — I’m sorry no one asked me to do it, and I’ve been busy getting the brief out the door, perhaps someone else can type up your notes? Sure you won’t be seen as the nice smiley female, but so what?

        • Sure, you can do this, but it’s going to come with its own set of consequences.

          • Anonymous :

            It does but I’d rather have those consequences and be seen as not the friendliest in the world than to be typing up notes for the 1000th time and complaining about it.

          • women's work :

            I think the consequences are not seeming unfriendly, but coming across as too good for certain types of work. Our job descriptions are vague enough and do not specifically exclude admin work, only the top executives get an assistant and they are often too busy to help anyone else.

      • women's work. :

        Yes, that is it, exactly. And also a little of wanting to do things right the first time.

        I have only been at this job for a month so it’s not crystal clear yet who I would delegate this to. I also don’t want to seem like I am snubbing work. I try to look at certain drudgeries as important contributions to the team, and not be a snob about it.

        And it’s not like the work is HARD. I could do it in the amount of time it takes for me to find someone to delegate to. It would just be nice if someone else thought of it and offered first. That doesn’t seem like it is worth complaining or causing a strained work relationship or leaving work undone.

    • As someone who used to be asked to coordinate office birthdays just because I am a woman, this rubs me the wrong way. IANAL but my last two project managers have been male, and more senior than me. They are really good at: note/minutes taking, keeping up with the project plan, reminders, scheduling, coordinating meetings, etc. Is that what you’re referring to? Honestly, if I were you I’d just stop doing all these administrative things. Either they will get done or they won’t. It’s not your responsibility either way – if you keep up with the work you are responsible for, I’m not sure you will suffer at all by not taking minutes. If you hate doing it, stop. I think it will turn out better than you expect.

    • Woman doing work :

      I was just thinking about this today. I feel so run ragged at work lately and I’ve realized it’s because without a clear hierarchy on my team, I’m doing the managing AND execution of a lot of simple tasks that just keep things moving. On top of my substantive long-term projects. It’s exhausting. I have a team transition coming up anyway in a few weeks so it’s not really worth addressing now but I need to change this in my next team.

    • Anonymous :

      If you think someone needs to take notes, you don’t have to take it upon yourself. Discuss it during the meeting – do we need meeting notes? Who is in charge? Shall we rotate doing them? etc. You don’t have to execute every idea you have. You can say, “Hey Bob, I took notes last week. Do you want to handle this week?” If someone tries to blame you for not doing it, you can certainly ask why it was assumed it would be your responsibility, and if so, why this wasn’t adequately communicated.

  19. How do you pass time at work? I know we are supposed to be working for every second of the 9 hours we are at work- which I do, do my work and drop whatever I am doing to respond to emails also but in down times or days when work is particularly cr*p how do you pass time?
    So far for me it’s delicious snacks/lunch, podcasts, spotify, this s i t e & messaging with my best friend who is on another coast! No judgement please dear friends.. —-signed someone who has been working since 15, is pretty burnt out, but still has to work so we can be independent, still does her job but needs side entertainment too.

    • You pretty much listed the things I do. Maybe add taking a walk around the block? I think everyone is entitled to a 10 minute break to take a walk if you need it.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a lot of downtime but also need to look busy every second of the day…it’s a constant battle. I spend a lot of time reading this s!te, Ask a Manager, the news, taking a lot of water/bathroom breaks, and organizing my email.

    • What about sites where you can do volunteer work remotely? Volunteermatch sometimes has them and maybe you can do that at the same time?

      Otherwise, um… email penpals? Offer to be someone’s mentor via work or here or somehow otherwise contribute while killing time?

  20. Should I start my own company? :

    I’m a freelancer. Last year I made about 48k before taxes. I get paid via paypal or direct deposit. I typically work for companies that either don’t pay taxes for me, are in other countries, or are underground, though the work I do is legal (think ghostwriting, ghostaccounting, ghostbookkeeping, etc.).

    When I deduct for everything I’m allowed since I work from home, I am able to deduct almost 50% of costs since I live in a HCOL area and have a small apartment, much of which is dedicated workspace, plus work expenses.

    My student loan payments are based on my income before deductions, which makes me think I should create my own company and then take a paycheck from the company (letting the company pay the bills I have been able to deduct previously). I have no clue whether that makes sense or whether it’d be a bigger hassle to pay to create a company and pay for individual and company tax help every year.

    Advice? (And no, I’m not going to switch careers, nor will the companies change how they do business, and asking would be career suicide, before anyone suggests such.)

    • Anonotyourlawyer :

      I’m always a proponent of incorporating or whatever in situations like you describe.

      Some considerations:
      – how will it impact the taxes you pay — can you run through the math?
      – how important is the protections the corp will give you? (that is, how valuable would it be to you to be able to say, “Company hired Corp, not me, to do the work, and now that you’re suing Corp, it’s only Corp’s assets that are on the hook.”)
      – is it helpful for your customers to have you working through an LLC or whatever form — I have a slight preference for working with independent contractors who are incorporated, because it makes it more clear to everyone that we really don’t consider them an employee.
      – does it give you room to expand your business, bringing on other employees/contractors as needed?

    • I don’t think there is a lot of hassle necessarily, and the startup costs for a simple corporation you complete online through LegalZoom or something similar would be fairly minimal. But the additional costs of having a business entity could eat up what you’d save in loan payments.

      How much less would your loan payments would be on the lower gross income? By the time you pay for keeping books and running payroll (so at minimum a copy of Quickbooks and their payroll subscription, up to hiring a bookkeeper/payroll provider) and annual entity tax returns prep there may be little to no cash flow savings.

  21. Anonymous :

    Just need to vent. My firm has had this really annoying high maintenance client for years. We need some information from them for something that is due in a couple of weeks. They should have been able to provide the information months ago and we have asked for it repeatedly. My coworker was short tempered with someone at their office on Friday, it blew up into this huge Thing, and now all their work is being transitioned away from my coworker to me. Yay. So if we lose them as a client (which is possible because they’re really angry) it’s going to be on my watch. Terrific. Happy Wednesday. If you need me, I’ll be over here eating Tums like it’s candy.

    • Sounds like maybe it would be best in the long run to lose them?

    • I once pissed off an internal client, so much so that he told me he would never work with me again*. I really thought I had gone too far and had a huge pit of dread in my stomach as I went to tell my boss what had gone down. My bosses reaction: “Lucky you!”.

      *Darn it, he had forgotten his threat/promise a mere two months later.

  22. Nordstrom makeup counter :

    Which makeup counter at nordstrom do you recommend? I’m 42, fair, professional. I know this has been discussed before but I wasn’t successful searching. Thanks

  23. Anon for this :

    This is probably a tmi question, but here goes: I have never been able to [email protected]$m from sex alone. [email protected], yes. But p-in-v, no. I know that’s not uncommon for women, but is that something that can be learned? Is it physical or mental? This is something DH and I would really like to happen, and I know it could with [email protected] stimulation during sex, but I want the p-in-v kind of [email protected]$m, which I’ve heard feels different. Any suggestions?

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