colleagues

Navigating the Murky Waters of Being Friendly With Staffers

by C on 03/02/2010 · 53 comments

in CoWorker Problems, Fashion, Networking, Success

Can you be friends with your secretary? We got this e-mail from Reader A and it raises a lot of interesting questions, such as how to treat your assistants, how to behave in a male-dominated field where you’re one of the only women who isn’t a secretary, and so forth….

I’m wondering how one is friendly with colleagues at work without becoming friends with colleagues at work. I’m an attorney and have recently moved to a firm where I’m the only female attorney, and the staff is comprised almost entirely of women. I was warned in a joking manner by one of the partners when taking the job to beware – previous female attorneys at the firm have fallen victim to being ‘friends’ with staff (regular lunches, after-work drinks, etc) and then later suffer the wrath should someone need to be called on the carpet for job performance or with claims of favoritism.

So far, I’ve gone to lunch with only a couple of people who have initiated the invitation, and I avoid discussing others in the office and steer conversation away from that topic. However, I plan on being here a long time, and I wonder if you or your readers have insight that might help me or have found themselves in similar situations.

Right? Great e-mail. So far, what reader A is doing sounds great to us. Here are some further tips:

There’s nothing wrong with finding a friend who happens to be a staffer. Like our dating advice a few weeks ago, though, we would not recommend looking for a best friend at the office (really, among the staffers or elsewhere). Aim for collegiality. You’re all in this together, and you all have your own jobs to do, and it’s often best if emotions are kept out of it. Friendship can be harder with people you supervise directly – it’s important to see both their skills and weaknesses as clearly as possible, so you can compensate and better manage, either by delegating things in certain respects, or knowing to phrase your requests in a certain way.
If you are the only female supervisor you have to recognize that they’re going to be looking at you completely differently. What you wear? Open fodder for discussion. How you act? It’s likely to be subjected to some judgy attitudes — e.g., if you don’t cheerfully smile you’ll be branded a bitch; if you don’t act grateful then you’ll be seen as too good for yourself. You have to walk a delicate line. Be friendly and, importantly, be cheerful whenever possible. Remember details about the staffers you work with as carefully as you would remember the details about a superior — the names of their children, their husbands, their pets — these are important things. But: be careful about partaking in activities that your male colleagues are not partaking in. Skip the manicures, girl’s night drinks, or any sort of bakery circle. Our reader is particularly very smart to avoid the gossip.
Age differences can be even weirder with staffers. Do your best as a manager to treat everyone the same, regardless. We’ve had assistants who were just out of college, and we’ve had some who were old enough to be our mother. Try not to treat the young’uns in a mothering way, and if your assistant is older than you don’t let her treat you in that way (i.e., tidying your office if it isn’t part of her regular list of tasks).
Seek alliances where possible. With everything above said, recognize that there are likely some very powerful women among the staffers. Perhaps they’ve been there 20 years and everyone looks to them for how to act and what to say. Perhaps they’re the top partner’s assistant and they have his ear. Either way — if they’re the one asking you to a manicure, you might want to accept.

Readers, what are your thoughts? What’s your best advice for dealing with staffers and assistants, whether you’re the only female lawyer on staff or not?

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What to do when your male boss tells you you dress “too well”

by C on 02/18/2010 · 175 comments

in Fashion, Wear to Work

Today’s reader question comes from a reader in a small, private firm on the East Coast…

I’ve been at my first job out of law school for 15 months. I’m 26 years old, but have a young face and often get asked if I’m an intern instead of an attorney. I am a litigator and I wear suits when I go to court, which is roughly twice a week.

Joking in the office one day, I mentioned to an Of Counsel with whom I am comfortable that I got the intern comment again. He said that, while I do have a young face, I dress “too well.” He said that I need to “be a little frumpier or dowdier.” That, while I dress well for a young, female professional, I dress TOO well for a young, female attorney. The analogy was made that I dress similarly to a middle aged male attorney who wears a blue pinstripe suit, blue shirt with the contrasting white collar and French cuff, cuff links, and a giant diamond pinky ring – just “a little too cheesy.”

Is the Of Counsel right? Do I need to wear silhouettes that are more boxy, as he also suggested? I want to be taken seriously as an attorney, but don’t see the reason to cater to ultra-conservative views on wardrobe when I would be uncomfortable in such things, as it is not my personal style.

(We’ve edited her e-mail for space; she also notes that she has a second job working at the local Express, and owns much of what is sold there; she attached the above blouse as an example. Essential Stretch Striped Shirt, $49.50, Express.)

First: We’re not going to comment on the many, many, many things we might say about the of counsel, the propriety of his remarks, or what kind of working environment it must be. Maybe he’s like your frumpy father or big brother and only meant to be helpful — for example, if he had stopped at the cufflinks/gold pinky ring comment we probably wouldn’t have a problem with this. Maybe he’s a jerk, which is the vibe we’re getting from his suggestion to wear “boxy” clothes, i.e. “less sexy clothes that hide your figure.” We don’t really know. We might just link to this fact sheet from the government about “when to know if it’s sexual harassment,” however. We might also suggest you contact your alumni career office to see how they recommend dealing with the situation (and perhaps if they can recommend a good recruiter).

Second: Sigh. The fact remains that he’s a superior to you, you still have to work with him, and worse, whatever it was that he’s projecting may be something that a lot of men (and women) around you are projecting. So it’s time to do some soul searching — are you wearing your clothes too tight? You may want to start buying a larger size at Express (or two) — clothes will still have a fitted, tailored look, but won’t be painted on (as they are in many of the models). Another thing to watch out for is whether your clothes are too low-cut. Express can be a mixed bag — there can be some great work basics in there — but there can also be some sexy going-out clothes in there. Steer clear of the going out clothes. You may want to peruse the website at far more conservative places like Brooks Brothers and then view your closet through those eyes — would BB sell a frumpier version of it? With the top above (a simple fitted shirt), the answer is absolutely yes.

Finally: We hear from a lot of women that they have issues with looking too young, and we’re going to ask our readers — how do you deal with this? Our suggestions: Pull yourself up tall — really work on your posture and conveying authority through your body language. Make sure that all aspects of your outfit — your coat, your shoes, your bag — convey “grown up.” (For example, avoid a puffy coat and a backpack.) You may want to keep your hair pulled back in a neat (and intentional) low ponytail.

Ok, readers, we’re sure you’ll have thoughts aplenty — what are your thoughts on her e-mail? On changing her appearance for her (current) boss? About looking too young?

(L-0)

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Etiquette Flash: Should you invite your colleagues to your wedding?

by C on 02/08/2010 · 47 comments

in Being Girly, Business Etiquette, Career, CoWorker Problems, Fashion, Networking

Today’s reader mail has to do with whether she should invite colleagues to her wedding…

Long story short, I just got engaged to another attorney at my mid-sized firm. We are both junior associates and we met as summer associates in 2007. Obviously, there are associates that we socialize with that we’d like to invite to the wedding. However, we’re not quite sure about whether to invite partners. Since we’re both quite new at the firm, we do work for lots of different attorneys. I’d hate to offend someone by not inviting him…especially in this economy!

Congratulations! The answer to this question depends on a lot of factors, the big ones being:
a) do you think you could make partner at this firm?
b) can you afford to invite a lot of work colleagues to your wedding?
c) how do you feel about mixing your wedding (and your grandparents and your college friends) (and any princess fantasies you’ll be indulging that day) with your work colleagues?

Pictured: Style 1302, Mikaella Bridal.

Your future with the firm is the first consideration, we think. Even if you’re fairly junior at the firm, you and your fiance should have an idea of whether you could make partner if you wanted to, versus just hanging out until a better job opportunity comes along. If either of you are going to try to make partner, you should look at your wedding as an opportunity to create important relationships — to show the powers that be at the firm that you consider them to be part of the family. If neither of you is gunning for partner, however, we’d say to evaluate your relationships with the partners. Are they mentors to you? Are they like family anyway? And then we’d proceed on to question two…

[click to continue…]

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Reader mail: Which co-workers get a holiday card?

by C on 12/08/2009 · 57 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Fashion

Reader J writes in with a request for help on holiday cards…

I wonder whether you could post a very timely comment thread. I sat down, as I do every year, to address and send my holiday cards – only to realize that as a first-year attorney at a rather large firm that I had no idea who I should include on my mailing list. Likewise, I’ve accepted a clerkship in the relatively near future – would it be appropriate to send a card to the judge or to the chambers? I’m very curious to hear others’ thoughts on whom they include on their lists and why. When is it thoughtful to send a card to a higher-up, and when is it just kissing behind? :) How does one cull the list – it can’t be that one sends a card to every person one has ever worked with!

We sympathize — office politics are incredibly difficult to navigate come holiday-time. First, we stand by our advice last year on how to address the letters, what kind of letters to pick, and so forth. (Pictured: New Year’s Fireworks, a pack of 8 available at MomaStore.org for $17.95.)

Secondly: Of course you don’t have to send them to everyone you work with, the possible exception being when you’re the owner of a business. But presumably, you would know everyone then — which is most likely not the case now. For our $.02, we would build the co-worker card list as follows:

Good friends who you also see outside of work.
Your secretary (and her cash gift or gift card — our old poll on this (with lots of comments) is here…)
Co-workers with whom you actively work — if you’re on a team of 50 people but directly report to 2 people, and work with another 3 people at your level, we would include those 5.
Bosses who know your name, even if you only report to someone below them. Ask yourself this question: If this boss were to call you out of the blue to ask about some work assignment you’ve done, how odd would that be? (On this point — we would send a card to your future judge. The absence of a card certainly won’t be missed, but your best wishes for a happy year in 2010 are certainly not going to be seen as unprofessional. In fact, you may want to send a card to the judge’s chambers, rather than to his or her home — that way the current clerk, the secretary, and everyone will appreciate your warmth.)
Old mentors. If you worked with someone over your summer internship and liked them, send them a holiday card — even if you haven’t talked to them in a year. It’s a good way to stay present in their minds — always useful for networking — and helps pave the way from “colleague” to “friend.” You may even want to use the opportunity to casually suggest lunch.
Also consider: Department-wide cards to essential departments in your company. The mail room — the duplicating department — the library — they’ll all be happy you thought of them (and, hopefully, will remember it when you need something). (You can probably interoffice these — every other card should be sent by mail.)

Cards and stamps are expensive, and hand-addressing them (both on the card and the envelope) takes time and energy — so don’t kill yourself on the project. At the end of the day, if you have to cut people, our first cut would be to the people who are at your level who you don’t know that well. Try to remember who talks to who, also — the last thing you want is for Boss #1 to say to Boss #2, “Wasn’t J’s holiday card great?” and then Boss #2 to feel slighted because you didn’t send him or her one.

Readers, weigh in — are you doing holiday cards? How do you figure out which co-workers to send them to?

(L-0)

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Poll – You’ve Kept Your Job, But How to Handle Your Colleagues Who Didn’t?

by C on 01/27/2009 · 6 comments

in Business Etiquette, Career, Polls

We live in scary times. Every day there are thousands of people laid off, from law firms and banks and every company imaginable. The Wall Street Journal tells us that young women are more vulnerable to layoffs. If you’re slightly lucky, your company is ‘fessing up to the fact that the layoffs are economy based, and not performance-based firings. If you’re VERY lucky (or perhaps indispensable to your company) you’ve survived the layoffs and cuts — for now, at least. Our question today is one we’ve never even had to consider before — what is the appropriate way to deal with the colleagues who didn’t survive this round of cuts? (And by colleagues, we mean someone who never rose to the level of “friend” with you — you never hung out with them on a one-on-one basis, but you were friendly with them in the office and would acknowledge them with a happy wave if you saw them across the room at a public event, but not necessarily go over to say hi.) They may be the “walking dead” — allowed to keep their jobs for 3 months, ostensibly, to look for another job — or they may already be out the door but still coming to social events with other co-workers, like baby showers — but in both cases you’re still seeing these people. How do you handle? What do you say?

poll by twiigs.com

Photo credit above: My old office, all packed up, originally uploaded to Flickr by yksin. Note: The editors of Corporette have no idea why the photographer packed their office up, and do not intend to imply that the person was fired, laid off, or otherwise terminated from their position.

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