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Update: We still stand by this discussion of the importance of not being called the wrong name — but you may want to check out our more recent discussion on how to handle being called the wrong name at work.
It stinks to be called the wrong name — but what if it’s your colleague or boss who’s doing it? How do you correct them? Obviously, we had to wait to answer this reader mail until we started using our name with the blog…
I’m wondering how to handle correcting people on my name. My name is Diana, and I am constantly called Diane. This seems to happen most often in email of all places, where my name is automatically generated by Outlook in the To line, and where often my signature block is in the thread. Both coworkers, including HR of all places, and opposing counsel get it wrong with some frequency. Apparently this also happens a lot to my friend Julia, who is often called Julie. Diane and Julie are lovely names, but they aren’t ours.
When and how do I correct HR/partners/opposing counsel? This is really starting to drive me up the wall.
How to Avoid Being Called the Wrong Name at Work
As a “Katherine” whose only nickname has ever been “Kat” — never Kathy or Kate — this author feels your pain. For our $.02, the trick is figuring out when to care if someone has your name wrong.
For example, that random guy who responded to my e-mail last week “Thanks Kathy” — not a big enough deal to correct him on my name. However, when I started at my old firm, the partner assigned to be my liaison (and help me round up work) mistakenly thought my name was Kathy.
(Or perhaps that all Katherines like to go by Kathy? It was never clear to me.)
He immediately began promoting me to other partners as “Kathy” — which made me cringe every time, and required correction. In your situation, we would say that HR is a big deal because they are likely to introduce you to other people — but opposing counsel isn’t such a big deal, because if s/he uses the name in court, the names sound similar enough (Diane, Diana) that no one will notice. (Or just think he or she is being a jerk.)
Now, when it does matter that you correct the person on your name, it’s difficult to do it in a way that doesn’t come off as conceited, self-important, passive aggressive, or petty. (At least, it always feels that way.) Some suggestions for you:
– With a friend or colleague: Tell a story about yourself, and refer to yourself in the third person. As in, “My friends were all like, DIANA, stop it, you’re killing us!”
– With an introduction: “Hi, Diane, it’s great to see you. Meet my colleague ____.” Then you turn to shake the colleague’s hand and say, “Hi, Diana __.” Repeat your full name, even if the person before just said it.
– Through voicemails. Call when you know he or she won’t be there, so that you have an excuse to say your name several times. “Hi __, it’s DIANA __. I just thought I’d call to respond to __. Again, this is DIANA ___, please give me a call back at ___.”
– Direct. Sometimes the only way to do this is to be direct, where you have to have a conversation with the person. We would advise doing it in person, so your tone will not be misunderstood (and your tone should be light). Such as, “Hi, HR person.” “Hi, Diane!” “Oh, ha, my mother would have a heart attack if she heard that — she fought tooth and nail against every grade school teacher who tried to call me that, which is why I staunchly insist on ‘Diana’ today. Anyway, I came by to drop off this file…”
Readers, any other tips?
GG
Two people I know have last names Humphrey and McMaster; most people they encounter INSIST on calling them Humphreys and McMasters. I booked Humphrey to speak at meetings I ran and McMaster reported to me. I was constantly/repeatedly correcting people with the fact that there was ONE of each of them, plural wasn’t required. This went beyond inattention to detail; it seemed that people had mental templates regarding what names should be and simply couldn’t overpower those with reality.
jimtherunner
I have a popular (not common) first and last name. I also use my middle initial in formal work so I’m James H Smith. Informally and speaking to coworkers I’m Jim. I don’t mind getting stuff sent to Jim Smith or James Smith or James H Smith. What makes no sense whatsoever is getting stuff sent to Jim H Smith. There is no point in mixing an informal Jim with a formal middle initial. Do it one way or the other.
Kara (Care-uh) and Tamara (Tam ar uh) can blame Kara (Carr uh) and Tamara (Tuh mair uh) for their troubles and vice versa. By adding the extra t and e Monette’s parents went out of their way to indicate that her name should be Moe Net instead of the Moe Nay she wants; blame them.
We have a relative, Deanna, who parents called her Dee nuh. If they had spelled it Deana she wouldn’t have had any trouble. All her college friends called her Dee anna which is how her name is spelled.
ruth
I agree with the suggestions that it is appropriate to correct opposing counsel/partners/HR or anyone directly and immediately, but it’s especially important to be direct with the HR people. I guess it depends on the structure of your workplace, but I can see HR being right at the root of the problem and the solution.
Anon
What about when people get your name wrong entirely? I am often called by the name of the only other Hispanic girl in the office. We do not look alike, our names are not similar, we don’t socialize in the office and we don’t even work on the same team! It can really be demoralizing to think that I am identified by my gender and race – not as an individual who does great work. Usually I don’t even bother correcting the person because I feel like it’s not worth bringing it up and embarrassing the individual. But it can get pretty bad when a partner says says, “…so I was talking to Anna about your work…” when my name is Anna!
Joy
My given first name is Joy which didn’t used to be as common as it seems to be now, and I have constantly been called Joyce. I just correct whoever it is and don’t see anything wrong with doing so. Another peave is that I was divorced 16 years ago and reverted to my maiden name at that time. I then remarried around 3 years ago and hyphenate my maiden & new married name. I sign letters that way and I’m on the office e-mail that way. I have worked in the same place for over 20 years and still have people who should know better calling me by my old married name or introducing me to people by my maiden name. I just correct them too. Like I said, they should know better and I don’t necessarily want to embarrass them but I want to make sure that who ever I’m being introduced to gets the name correctly otherwise they will have a hard time trying to contact me.
Someone
And I’ll add to this year-old topic. I’m Suzanne, and have had to battle the constant calls of “Susan,” even IMMEDIATELY after I mention my actual name. People really don’t listen.
After so many years of this I am VERY direct and correct people swiftly with a straight “SUZANNE” with no preamble. If this sounds terribly blunt, in my defense there is a linguistic complication in the fact that the syllabic stress in my name is on the second one, which is unusual and makes it difficult to be clear in speech if I put anything before the name itself. In practice, this correction is more like ripping off a band-aid, it passes quickly, and nobody has taken offense. (And why should they? It is I who am being elided by use of the wrong name. I never understood why someone else should be offended if they get corrected!)
I noticed that the problem was a lot worse when I spent time in the Midwest, and I chalk that up to the interest in conformity there. Since my name isn’t mainstream, it didn’t get across, even when (as others have also had happen) it was RIGHT THERE in my e-mail address or signature.
Know what also bugs me – Google Alerts does it to me too! I am always getting notified about some “Susan Mylastname.” Ugh!! Thanks a lot, Google. (Yes, I see why that could be useful, but it’s extremely grating.)
Linda
My daughter, Julia, just received a scholarship award letter addressed to “Julie”. Any suggestions on a tactful way to word her email to the school?
Anne
My biggest gripe is when friends and work colleagues call me Sue, even when I’ve known them for years! It has happened so many times over the last 20 years that is becoming annoying. At recently as last week I had a friend call me Sue and when I asked him why, he didn’t know. He said he didn’t even know a Sue, let alone why he called me Sue. Neither do any of the others. My daughter is convinced I was a Sue in a previous life. Must have been a bloody awful person as I really hate this name, and always have!!
Diana
I get called Diane all the time but I don’t care because it’s pretty and really the same name. I think it’s very easy to mix up the last A or E. Believe it or not I’ve done it myself! So I’m not angry at people for calling me Diane. It’s not a big deal, just Diana translated into French language. It’s true, when the French wanted to name their daughters after the Goddess of the Hunt and Moon they translated the Latin Diana into the French language Diane. I don’t mind at all. They are both beautiful “Divine” names. : ) We Diana/Diane’s should stick together not hate each other! Haha
Diana
I get called Diane all the time but I don’t care because it’s pretty and really the same name. I think it’s very easy to mix up the last A or E. Believe it or not I’ve done it myself! So I’m not angry at people for calling me Diane. It’s not a big deal, just Diana translated into French language. It’s true, when the French wanted to name their daughters after the Goddess of the Hunt and Moon they translated the Latin Diana into the French language Diane. I don’t mind at all. They are both beautiful “Divine” names. : ) We Diana/Diane’s stick together!
Smriti
My name is Smriti and in e-mails, they write “Smirity” some of them are generous using extra “i”write “Smiriti” the worst is “Smrithi”. I still have no idea how to correct them and stop them from writing wrong name!
Sarah
This is late, I know it. I just love finding articles like this though.
My first name is Sarah, with an H. I have very rarely had to make that clear until I entered High School and College. My middle school, and elementary school automatically just put an h. Of course, that spelling was most common in my birth year, so that is probably why.
My favorite variation of my name happens to be Zara, or Sarita, honestly, but I personally won’t go by Sarita at work. I get called it by my Great Aunts and Uncles and I am just fine with that.
I also am not one of those who go by their first and middle names. It is just not what I have been used to, of course if it gets so completely confusing. I will in fact go by my first and middle names. And I have a second middle.
In addition upon marriage I hyphenated my name. This is where it all goes bonkers. Please, please, please when ever you address a new married couple. Unless they tell you what they would like to be called Last name wise, only write their first names on the envelope. It would help to avoid assumptions about their last name choice. You avoid embarrassment when you find out its not what you thought, and they avoid banging their head a thousand times against the desk (figuratively). My Husband also hyphenated. And that is a whole other story.
Needless to say. If anybody finds this comment I just want to say if you are a Bride and Groom, please announce your new name in your invitations. I should have, didn’t, and regret it. Now I am sending out Thank You’s, with our Hyphenated last name on it. Hoping people get the hint. If you want to avoid this I have come up with a way you can say it in your invitaiton:
Mr and Mrs Smith, along with Mr and Mrs Jones
Announces the marriage of their children
Barbara and Allen
who will become Smith-Allen upon marriage
and Cordially invite you ….
Hope that helps. Maybe I should go put this on another more specific forum.
Susanna
My name is Susanna, yet I’m constantly being called Suzanne. It’s my biggest pet peeve. Even when I introduce myself as Susanna, I get hello Suzanne. Is that what I just said? It’s really annoying! People just don’t listen.
I usually correct them, but if they don’t get it, I’d just prefer not to deal with them. It just shows this lack of respect somehow or stupidity. I can never decide which.
Elena
My name is Elena (simple isn’t it?), and my last name starts with letter N.
And my work email address is elenan@…. All my colleagues emails are their first name+the first letter of their last name, but only I’ve got this ‘problem’))
Despite of my full name signature at the bottom and additional mentioning of my first name, people keep writing “Dear Elenan”. Is there a short, polite and acceptable for business correspondence way to correct them?
David, not Robert
You have it lucky, your name is at least remotely close to what people are calling you. Whenever I haven’t seen someone in a long time or don’t generally talk to someone, they will call me Robert. My last name is Roberts but my first name is David. Why is it so hard for people to remember that Roberts isn’t a first name!? It has happened to me as a child and still happens to me as an adult. If people would think for a second and say Robert Roberts, honestly, think, that doesn’t make any sense!
Isaac W.
I’m a transgender (FTM) and began the transition when I was 15, three years ago. Although I legally changed my name to Isaac, people still call me by my given name (Rebecca), even my parents. I feel offended when people refer to me by my former name because that person isn’t me anymore, but I feel like I’m coming off as exceptionally harsh when I correct someone, even if it isn’t the first time they mucked up my name. Is there any way that I can correct them without feeling bad afterwards? Thanks for any help.
David
I’m really sorry to hear that Isaac :'[ especially your parents. If they do it on accident and correct themselves, I think it would be fine, after all for the first couple of years of your life they had been calling you Rebecca. If people don’t understand the situation you are going through and are calling you by your given name, I think you have every right to correct them.
I’m sure eventually people will catch on, even though three years seems like a lot of time, some people take longer to adjust :) stay strong!
Em
I am frequently being called the wrong name. The only person who ever said my first name right was a boy in first grade. My name is not as weird as most people think. It’s Elise. I’ve been called Elizabeth and Beth on numeral occasions. Also at school the attendance sheet is mixed up and on some sheets I’m the only one whose middle name is on the sheet and I get called Elise Middlename a lot. As a double first name. The way I pronounce my first name is El leess. Now don’t get me started on my last name almost everyone I know has either spelt and/or said it wrong. And it’s really common. The worst I’ve been called is Elisabeth Marise Karrle. I’m considering being called Em, E for Elise, and M for my middle initial. Please tell me if that is strange for Elise. Another thing is it doesn’t help that’s e-mail is Summersea.
MarginFades
Has anyone had the privilege of addressing a relative in a professional setting – specifically, in correspondence? If you have, I would appreciate your idea on how to do so properly (and if possible, without sounding disrespectful of the personal relationship). I’m in the process of addressing a request for a professional consultation to a close relative’s colleague. My current thought is to write a formal email, then follow up with an informal one that contains our usual (personal) address, to frame the reason for the request. Example:
Email #1:
Dear Mrs. ____,
I would appreciate getting to know your colleague, Mary X, whom I met while in your company last weekend. It’s always a privilege to learn from professionals in Z industry. Do let Mary know that I’d like to be in touch with her.
Sincerely,
Margin Fades
(followed immediately by Email #2)
Aunt Dee,
I’m so glad you briefly introduced me to your colleague, Mary X, at the mall last weekend – I look forward to getting to know her background and role at your company better. Thanks for introducing me to her!
Love,
Margie
Too much? Too little? Thoughts?
MarginFades
(One edit – change Mrs. to Ms.)
Donnie
My name is Donnie. My inlaws keep calling me don. I’ve them and my wife has them I go by Donnie. But some of them continue to call me don. Why do they do this?
Cate Barlay
lol the name on my birth certificate is Catriona (pronounced ka-TREE-na) which I love, being a proud Scot, but this name is only for legal documents, and formal introductions lol I go by Cate, not Kate for the same reason, e.g. my Signature is C Barclay , stops any subsequent confusion lol
So I go by Cate.
I don’t even mind, in fact I prefer Cat lol but all I get from 95% of ppl is Katy (my husband is the worse for it lol) lol nothing wrong with the name, some ppl suit it, but I hate it for me ! lol
so I like your solutions :)
Raquel
This article was very helpful! My name is Raquel not Rachel. I have had college professor, friends, and business partners spell or pronounce my name incorrectly, or use the wrong name all together! It is difficult to use an example of a celebrity with the same name because “Raquel Welch” is only recognized by a few generational colleagues. Any suggestions from Raquel’s on how to avoid the Rachel default? Or vice versa- any Rachel’s who have been called Raquel?
tricia
I am a Patricia who has always gone by Either Tricia or Trish… I totally hate it when people try to call me “Pat” or “Patty”. they think they are being “Familiar with me” when to me it cries out “stranger stranger”, because Pat or Patty is totally not a name my friends or family would ever call me.. in fact, my Friends and family wouldn’t even know who you were talking about… When I was younger, i wouldn’t have known either (it happens so much im getting used to it now).. the reason i dont like this isnt because “its reserved for friends and family”, just the opposite, its something only a stranger or person who doesn’t really know me would call me…I wouldn’t mind being called a diminutive if it were the Correct one! but if you dont know, then its rather just be called my full name, then for you to guess at a dimutive that simply isnt me!
Tricia/Trish
Daphne
As a Daphne, I’m constantly mistaken for Stephanie, and am subjected to various misspellings – “Dafane”, “Daphane”, “Defini”, “Defane” etc.
I once had an encounter while trying to make a restaurant reservation where the lady taking the call kept hearing my name as Stephanie. After correcting her multiple times, I told her I would spell my name. “D-A-P…” only to be interrupted with “but Stephanie starts with S-T”.
Alexandra
I never comment on threads but I had to on this. I have had this problem all my life and its drives me insane. I find it rude and I think its dreadful that we all feel rude for correcting people rather than other people thinking they would be rude to assume you like to be called by something else. My name is Alexandra but all my life I have been called Allee. Spell it how you like, Ally, Allie, Ali, Allee, doesn’t bother me, I go by Allee which a friend made up when I had a lot of friends called Alison but spelling doesn’t bother me. People insist on calling me Alex. I HATE it, it is not me, I have always been Allee, as everyone else says, nothing wrong with the name but it is NOT mine. I have tried everything but people carry on calling me Alex so I just don’t correct people any more and just feel annoyed to myself everytime someone uses Alex. I have tried everything including asking people to call me Alexandra which I am happy to be called but they still shorten it to Alex. People also seem to have an issue with Allie being a shortening for Alexandra even though I know other people with that shortening (Sean Astin’s daughter for a celebrity example). I have tried introducing myself as just Allee and somehow even then they call me Alex. I also get the Alexander thing which people don’t seem to realise is the male version and is actually pronounced differently (DER DRA). I also have a Lithuanian surname (never even been to Lithuania, never met a Lithuanian until I was 19) so I have the name problem that end too but I understand peoples problem with that, I do not blame them, however to assume I want to be called Alex, especially when I introduced myself as Allee and everyone else aorund you is caling me Allee I find pain rude. Also someone at work has started calling me Kim for some reason which I would also prefer to Alex haha.
As for emails, my signiture reads Allee Surmane. My email is alexandra.surname. If you can’t be bothered to see how the person has signed their email and use that, please do not make something else up, at least use the actual email name ie Alexandra.
carol
When introduced mistakenly by a colleague as Karen. I would say, “Nice to meet you, Mr. Jones, please, call me Carol”, and let that be it. No reason to call attention to the mistake any more than that.
Rachael
OKAY! YAY for names sounding alike and gender same names!!! How about my issue…. WHY have my past teachers and now my current boss always referred to me as Erica? MY NAME IS Rachael.
Diana Mason
My name is Diana and I can 100% relate to this!! I HATE being called Diane. Not that I have anything against that name – but it’s NOT my name. I have found, over the years, it’s best to correct someone RIGHT AWAY and to be just a “bit” stern about it, too: “Actually, it’s DianA, NOT Diane”. When you’re a bit assertive in your retort, they know it WASN’T okay to call you Diane, and, also, they know it ever-so-slightly annoyed you that they didn’t listen attentively enough to begin with!! LOL! I know that sounds a bit mean and passive/aggressive, but trust me, it works! I used to do the shy, “oh, I’m sorry! It’s actually ‘DianA’ not ‘Diane’ “, and that got me nowhere! I STILL got Diane! So I found the more aggressive alternative the way to go. Works every time. And obviously not just with Diana, but with the countless other names wrongly said back (Julie/Julia, Kaitlyn/Kailyn, Christine/Christina, Kiersten/Kristen, etc…..). Sorry, but your name is YOUR NAME and NO ONE should call you anything but what you want to be called! :)
JUDr. Oldřich Ševčík
Hello,
it is very rude to call a grown man or a woman by a first name. I do not even speak about some “nickname”. I spent some 10, 11 years in the US and it is always refreshing, when you get to Europe, or Afrika. People are more polite, they call you Sir, Mr. So and so and more. If somebody calls me by my first name, I try to avoid him or her. Since I am a rich man, not to many people do that.
Sincerelly yours
dr. Ševčík
Czech republic