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Rocking the Boat
Have any of you bailed on a relationship after three years?
The guy is great and I love him, but he feels like my brother. Being around him isn’t exciting sexually or mentally anymore. Has anyone else gone through this, and for those of you who have been in a relationship for longer than this, is this a normal part of the ups and downs or should I cut my losses now? I’m 26, in my second year of practicing law, and feel like a jerk because this guy is perfect on paper. I’m just not into the idea of marrying him.
SLCanon
I haven’t done this, but if I were on the other side of this situation, I would want you to break up with me. Everybody deserves to be in a relationship with somebody who is batsh*t crazy about them, and that includes your SO. IMO, you would be a jerk to stay with him and keep him from dating other girls who will love him in the boyfriend way, not the brother way.
Rocking the Boat
Truth.
Anon
I haven’t, but I’ve seen friends who have left SOs after similar or longer amounts of time and they have all ended up better off. I agree with SLCanon, I’d want you to break up with me if I was your boyfriend too! 26 is still so young and personally I’d rather break up with a boyfriend at 26 than a husband at 36 or 46.
I had a boyfriend who broke up with me after about 1.5 years because basically I wasn’t affectionate enough with him. Looking back, I wasn’t affectionate enough with him because my feelings about him had changed over the relationship and while I still enjoyed spending time with him, I just wasn’t into him in the way I should have been. Even though I’m still single now, I’m so thankful that he ended it.
baylaw
The time has come to break up with him. It will be hard and sad but you both deserve to be sexually and intellectually attracted to one another. Eventually someone will come along who does that for you and you’ll break up anyway.
EC MD
Had one of those relationships. He broke up with me. It sucked but was much better for the long term.
Now married. Been with SO 6 years (I know that’s not forever, but still). Still batsh*t crazy about him, even though our relationship has changed from first flush of love. DEFINITELY don’t feel like he’s my brother…if you know what I mean.
Associate
I’ve done this. I broke up with someone (when I was 25) that I had been with for a little over 3 years, for the same reasons to describe. I broke up with him after we started looking for engagement rings. I’ve been with my now-fiance for 4.5 years, and I’m still interested in him on all levels. So in my experience, losing complete sexual and mental interest isn’t a normal part of a three-year relationship. Don’t feel like a jerk.
Calico
Yes, I’ve been in your boat exactly. We even owned a home together, but the writing was on the wall. I was 28 when we ended it. Thankfully we have managed to stay good friends and he’s still in my life. The break up was awful but I’ve now met a great guy who challenges me mentally, introduces me to new things occasionally, and the romantic connection is still there years later.
Also, I would add that I grew a lot as a person being single again in my late 20s early 30s. That free time allowed me to explore new interests. I’ve never regretted my decision- and I don’t think my ex has either.
Monday
Just adding one more vote to the unanimous opinion here–and I have had this experience as well (at the 3-year mark). It ended mutually, and it was for the best.
Anonymous
Yup. Break up was at 5 years, but should have been at 3. We’re both better off, and friends. The biggest impediment/difficulty in our friendship is mutual resentment that we let it drag on. But search your own heart and mind and consider if there is some way to get that spark back. Our issue was WAY bigger than a mere lack of spark.
Rocking the Boat
I hate it when the hard answer is the right one. Thanks all.
Anon
May be too late but I think in a lot of relationship, things die down after 3-4 years. Some people are lucky enough to have that spark all through the relationship, but for many people, it kinda calms down. If you feel absolutely nothing for him any more, then you should break up, but you should be sure that you’re not throwing away a good relationship for that “spark” which may fade after a while with many others. This may sound almost 18th century, but it’s really really hard out there to find someone even halfway decent after a certain age, for both men and women. So if you’re 26, this is a really good time to decide what to do, including walking away, but you need to remember that your selection gets worse as time goes by.. (unfair world, but that’s how it is..)
Rocking the Boat
I am having a hard time exactly because of this. He feels like my best friend, not my boyfriend. The not wanting to have sex thing is worrying me. No meds or anything to blame it on…I just don’t want to.
anon for this
You’re 26–you shouldn’t feel tied down to a guy you don’t feel passionate about. I’m about 10 yrs older than you and didn’t take my own advice–married the guy and ended up finally leaving after 8yrs of a “passionless” marriage when I just couldn’t take it anymore.
SLCanon
I just did something that now I’m wondering is weird. I’m just a law student, but lots of times acquaintances ask me about legal advice. I obviously can’t help them, but one of them specifically asked if I had a recommendation for a real lawyer. I didn’t personally know any lawyers that do that kind of work, so I emailed the attorney who hired me for this coming summer. I’ve spoken to him periodically, and he seems helpful and nice in general. Is this a weird thing for me to do or a faux pas in any way? I’m suddenly very nervous about it. I figure that if somebody at his firm can do it, they get more work, which is good, and if not he can recommend somebody else (which is also good because people often recommend stuff back . . . right?). Yeesh. Somebody confirm whether I screwed up or not, please.
Cat
That’s what I would have done too, for the same reasons.
TCFKAG
Nope. People look for referrals for lawyers all the time — in fact giving referrals is practically a favorite past time for some lawyers.
I’m sure you’re fine.
karenpadi
Nope. In my firm, it’s very common (e.g., once or twice daily) for attorneys to send an email blast asking if anyone has a referral in xyz area of the law.
Referrals are like informational interviews or giving informal presentations. They are a professional courtesy that lawyers do for other lawyers. It’s one of the decent things about this profession.
TCFKAG
It was a running joke that people would send the most OBSCURE e-mails seeking referrals to the firm wide e-mail list at my old firm. As in “I’m looking for a trusts and estate attorney in Djibouti who has expertise in gay and lesbian adoption and end of life decision making” (just as an example).
Equity's Darling
I’m actually laughing, because we get those alllll the time (at least once a week). And I always find them hilarious and pretty bizarre.
Bluejay
Me too. They come over ABA section listservs. “Local counsel needed in Bujumbura,” and then 25 people reply to all, and then three people reply to all telling them not to reply to all. And then it happens again the next week
Anon
I would just tell them to search on Martindale Hubbel. Do this all the time.
Anonynon
I like this dress but it’s got an air of maternity wear – or I think it would if I were the one wearing it. I’m not pregnant, though. So I must pass.
Kanye East
YOU GUISE I’ve been taking depositions for two days in a row with a hair elastic on my wrist THE WHOLE TIME!
//Kanye shrug//
TCFKAG
Imma let you finish, but I heard that Portia interviewed for a job today with TWO hair bands on her wrist. She by far did the best advanced trolling of the day. :-P
eek
Did you wear a reallllllllllly cool scarf the whole time?
Scully
Ladies, can you share any real estate tips? Anything you wish you knew when buying your first house? Horror stories welcome :)
SO and I just got preapproved for the amount we want and found a cute little rehab with some great features (roof deck, parking, etc.). I was looking over the good faith estimate- can I cut out some of the fees for things I can handle myself, like for a notary ($40!) and mortgage recording? We’re also thinking about an FHA as opposed to a conventional loan- any experiences? Finally, any recs for an inspector in Philadelphia?
TCFKAG
You probably CAN cut out some of those things, but I’m not sure you should. Its a stressful, complicated process and even if you feel pretty confident, it can be an overwhelming day. We did not hire an RE attorney when we bought our first place as I’m an attorney and the mortgage company hires an attorney that basically has the same interests you do (they registered the deed for us btw and I don’t think we paid for that).
If you have the cash to put down 20%, I would to avoid the FHA loans. First of all, FHA loans can be complicated, they can require multiple inspections, and it can just be a mess. In addition, the points add more to your monthly payment then you would think. A traditional mortgage worked much better for us.
CA Atty
That’s so interesting re: FHA loans. I have one and it was the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Now, I haven’t done a conventional loan and it was new construction so we were not exactly worried about wear and tear type damage, but still. Also, I had no points at all.
The only thing I don’t like about the FHA loan is that you have to have mortgage insurance until you’ve paid down something like 78% of the loan, which I was told in writing by my lender was only 5%. If I could get rid of mortgage insurance I would save like $75/month and apparently that’s going to go up dramatically in April. So, that’s irritating.
Seattleite
Don’t do a rehab unless you genuinely *love* doing rehab work. Like, seriously love it.
Rehab takes twice as long and is twice as expensive as your very best estimates, and if you’re doing it while you’d rather be snorkling, biking, walking, reading, vegging, theater-going, drinking, or having s*x, you will end up hating the house and/or each other.
Also, don’t do it if the enthusiasm and self-starter level isn’t the same for both of you. My XH was wildly enthusiastic on the front end, but he wasn’t a self-starter. I lacked the strength and skill set to just do it myself. (We had no bathtub for 11 months with two toddlers, and I got a tub only because I threatened to move to a hotel.)
OTOH, if you can afford to pay someone to actually do the work, go for it. When I’m rich enough to afford designer duds, I’m spending that money on rehabbing a craftsman bungalow.
~former rehabber
Scully
Sorry if I wasn’t clear. It’s already been rehabbed for us. I don’t plan on doing anything other than changing the paint
MJ
Scully, at least in my state, CA, it’s illegal to notarize a document in which you have a financial interest. And, if you do hire a notary, notaries are allowed to charge $5-10 per signature, and if you’re handling title and loan docs as part of a closing, $40 is a bargain. I’m just sayin….
My mother is also a realtor, so I’ve heard it all. You are on the right track–her #1 tip: Make sure you do a very, very thorough home inspection with a trusted, reputable, recommended home inspector. Test every light switch, faucet, disposal, appliance hookup, doorknob, cabinet, window, vent, check roof/foundation, etc. You will be on the hook for _everything_ that doesn’t work after the deal closes, unless you negotiation a holdback/escrow for something specific. This can save you thousands of dollars and a lot of post-closing headache, and is super-important! Good luck.
FHA vs. conventional loan will largely depend on $$ value. Out here in CA, it’s hard to even get a conforming loan due to real estate prices.
CA Atty
Usually though if you go to a bank that you have an account with they’ll notarize for free.
so anonymous
Yeah, but when you are sitting at a real estate closing, you can’t excuse yourself to go have a document notarized (a document which the bank brought to the closing and you would have to take away with you).
AIMS
You can bring your own notary! Many lawyers are notaries. If need be, find a friend.
CA Atty
Really? I was a notary and was advised when I became an attorney that I should give up my notary license. Many lawyers employ notaries in their offices but I don’t think I’ve ever met an attorney who is also a notary.
eek
Ditto Seattleite – plan to spend more money/time on rehab than you budget. I’m glad you’re getting a home inspector – at least you’ll know all issues even if the seller may not fix them. I have a friend that negotiated a waiver of most of the junk fees, but when closing time came she and her husband were charged the fees. Paperwork was amended, all turned out well.
imho
Consider opting out of owner’s title insurance. We looked into this issue carefully when buying our first place and decided that in our case it wasn’t worth the price.
lucy stone
The attorney who does closings for our CU waived the notary fees for us. Yours may as well.
CA Atty
I’m going home!!! No more computer till Monday!!! It’s 70 and sunny and perfect here and I’m going to spend every second of the next two days enjoying it!!! Peace out homies!!!
(PS if you’re looking for exclamation points over the weekend I’ve used them all up with this post!!)
cbackson
Noooooooooooooooo!!! It is so cold and gross here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(see, there were still a few left)
Cali CPA
It was 81 degrees in LA today! But sadly I did not leave my office once. Enjoy your weekend!!!!!!!!!!!
CA Atty
Thanks guys! It’s cee-razy how much more I look forward to the weekends now that I’m not working through them and only see me SO during them! It was a fabulous weekend and I am sad it is Monday, although now that I’m not working weekends I actually enjoy my weeks (yes, even including Mondays *gasp!*) a LOT more. :-)
CA Atty
*my SO not “me SO”
Anonynon
PSA – Did you know it’s daylight savings time this weekend ? Spring forward – i.e., we lose an hr (unless you’re somewhere that doesn’t do daylight savings)
Bluejay
Crap, really? That completely and totally sucks.
PCV
Aargh. No daylight savings where I am, which means the time difference between me and bf will be 8 hours. 9 was baaarely manageable–at 10 p.m. his time it’s 7 a.m. mine, but early morning calls will be so much harder now!
AT
My bf and I are on the same time difference as you, so I sympathize — it’s really hard! At least my time change will catch up in a few weeks.
Bluejay
If it used to be 7am his time when it’s 10pm your time, now it will be 8am his time. DST is an hour ahead of standard time.
meme
I don’t like losing the sleep (esp. because I have a newborn), but I loooove that it will stay light later. I vote for DST all the time!!
sad for boss lady
I have a strange problem (?) and I was wondering if anyone here has had experience with the same sort of issue.
I am working part time as a bookkeeper at the local branch of a national NFP org. This is a job I expect to leave in the next 6-12 months. I report directly to the VP for Finance. I like her a lot as a person, and I wish her well in her career. However, she is very obviously insecure, and is a poster child for the “before” stories in NGDGTCO. This didn’t really bother me until I had to do a bunch of financial reports that involved me getting payroll information. Now I’m angry on her behalf. She is getting paid what I did when I was the assistant manager at a coffee shop, which is jack squat. And it’s not that its a NFP with no money to pay people. The president and other VP make 6 and 3 times what she does, respectively. She has access to the payroll information too, of course, so she knows this as well.
So here’s my question: Is this a situation where I just need to keep my trap shut and just vow that this will never happen to me, that I will always negotiate salary when getting job offers, etc? Or could I casually leave a copy of NGDGTCO in my desk on my last day and hope she reads it? My jaw literally dropped when I found out how little they were paying her, and I wish there were something I could DO to help her without embarrassing or upsetting her.
Thoughts?
Anon
Wow, I was just thinking about this type of thing. I watched Sheryl Sandberg’s TED talk about succesful women. It was forwarded to me by my little sister, who is in her last year of university, and has previously told me that “people don’t negotiate in my industry”. As it happens I think that is dead wrong, since she’s in one of the few industries that IS growing right now.
I’m hoping this means little sister gets it now!
Anonynon
Hmmmm…my inclination is to say leave it alone. It’s not your place to come to the rescue and she may not appreciate it. But I understand why you feel the way you do. I would too.
Bluejay
If she knows what she makes and what others make, then I’d leave it. Maybe there’s some other reason – like she has a trust fund and only takes a minimal salary because she doesn’t need it and wants the non-profit to keep its money. It can’t hurt to give her a copy of NGDGTCO, but if you do, I’d just give it to her as a gift and say it’s one of your favorite books. Don’t bring up the salary info.
Makeup Junkie
Giving a manager that book would come across as very insulting, I think. Better to just mention that it was read and enjoyed and did the manager read it too?
MelD
Nothing good can come of this. There may be some underlying reason why she has a lower salary that doesn’t have anything to do with negotiation. Maybe they’re expected to work 60-80 hours a week and she can’t put in more than 40, maybe she negotiated better benefits/paid maternity leave, maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable making tons of money in a nonprofit. There are so many possible explanations and if I were in her place, I’d find it really insulting to have someone assume that the reason I don’t make as much as others is because I can’t negotiate.
sad for boss lady
Thanks for the advice everyone. I’ll probably just let it be.
It is possible that I’m jumping to a conclusion about why she is being paid so little, but she works 60 hours a week, has the same or worse benefits as everyone else, has grown children (so no maternity leave), and certainly does not seem to have a trust fund, based on some of the things she’s said about her finances. I think part of what makes me upset is that she seems to regularly let people take advantage of her, and it makes me angry on her behalf.
However, after giving it some thought, I realize that it’s not really any of my business, and I just need to butt out, and leave it alone.
Restructuring, managing my manager
Hi all, a (rather long ) question on how to manage my manager, and what one should do in a restructuring.
We are under going restructuring. It will be a fundamental change to the organisation. About 75% of staff will have to reapply for jobs, of which there will be 25% fewer than before, and the structure will be flattened with less senior roles available. One of the unspoken reasons for this restructuring is to thin out the mid-senior ranks. My manager falls within this category (mid-senior) and some say an example of a manager who should have been managed out years ago. I’m not concerned exactly about not securing a position in the new restructure (I think there will be a job, the question is whether one would want to do more work for same pay, less advancement opportunities).
I am concerned about how to position myself for the best possible job after the restructuring. My manager is not held in high regard by the predominantly male management (nor is she respected by a good deal of female colleagues) and I am concerned that this will impact on my ability to secure the positions I want. My reputation within the organisation is not strong in the sense that I have been out of this office for a few years. I do not have visibility, or as one manager told me on why my last promotion attempt was unsuccessful, my work is at the level above and individual managers absolutely supported promotion, but I’m “not famous enough” and a few months back wasn’t enough to develop that. Unfortunately restructuring is here, and while I think I have built up some credit in the “reputation bank” in the limited time, I am worried that my current manager may be the only one who has a good appreciation of my skills and achievements.
While this is happening, there are a number of projects that must go on, and I must continue to work with my manager who is probably aware that she will have a tough fight to hang on to a job, let alone a managerial position. She is a micromanager, but one that can’t keep on top of the details, or often even the big picture. I struggle to remain patient and calm with the amount of extra work she generates e.g. panicked call at 5pm for an extra 50 pages of briefing notes for her meeting the next morning at 9am, because she is not across the issues (your fault), but will also refuse to let me join the meeting. I don’t want to get on her bad side (as a number of colleagues have, and whom she has tried to sideline) as I will be dependent on her as a main referee in the new restructuring/reassignment process, but I also need to get things accomplished and think of my own reputation.
So ladies, in this position, how would you:
a) manage your manager, who is not particularly good at their job and you suspect would happily hang you out to dry if she thought it advantageous?
b) go about making your achievements know more broadly, without incurring the wrath of said manager?
c) prepare yourself to look for opportunities elsewhere – what specific best steps would you recommend?
TIA
In search of Bunksters bark
You probably don’t want to hear this, but
D. All of the above.
Anonynon
This.
Bluejay
A. Don’t. She’d hang you out to dry? Eff her. Look after yourself.
B. I think NGDGTCO actually has a lot of good pointers on how to do this. If you haven’t read it already, I’d suggest you read it. Then, use the model at the end of the book to develop an action plan for yourself.
C. I’d start looking now. If you’re in an industry that uses recruiters, call a couple. Tell them you want this to stay confidential because your employer doesn’t know you’re looking. And update your resume; make sure it reflects your most recent work and that you use it to sell yourself well.
kiley
My high school mentor just texted me that he is having a baby girl. Would love to send something. Maybe a book? Does anyone have suggestions?
kiley
Oh and do I send something now? Or wait til the baby is born right?
TXAtty
Books would be nice – especially if the high school mentor was an english teacher. Or if you know the baby’s name and/or the nursery colors, a quick search on Etsy for baby blankets, boppy covers, wall art, etc. will give you more options. If it’s a first child though, I tend to buy more practical gifts from the registry. Are you invited to the baby shower? If not, then I think it’s okay to wait to send the gift until after the baby is born. Otherwise, I give a baby gift at the shower and then I send a card and a small gift for mom (like a spa gift card) after the baby is born.
mamabear
I love to send my own kids’ favorite baby books as baby gifts.
They are
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Goodnight Moon
Jamberry
Pat the Bunny
Definitely get the board book style, except for Pat the Bunny, which is its own thing.
Whit
Those are terrific; also try The Going to Bed Book and Moo Baa La La La
Gail the Goldfish
I definitely remember The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Pat the Bunny, and Goodnight Moon from when I was a child, so they must be good. (Apparently after our parents read us Goodnight Moon on a vacation at the beach, though, my brother and I made them drive us around the island so we could say goodnight to everything. Goodnight, ocean, Goodnight, lighthouse, goodnight park by the pier… etc and so forth)
roses
I think a book is perfect for a high school mentor. I have made a habit of giving the first-time parents I know the Dr. Seuss book “Oh The Places You’ll Go.” I like thinking about a parent starting to read that to her child when they are very young and one day the child being able to read it on her own…makes the book so much more true :)
S
Chicka Chicka Boom Boom! Best book ever.
job seeker
I’m looking to lateral from one big firm to another for geographic reasons. I’ve been working with recruiters but am displeased with them for various reasons, so I’m thinking of just mailing resumes and cover letters to all the firms in my desired area that have practices in my area of law. Is this a total waste of time?
AT
I bet if you were willing to post your destination, people might have recommendations. For example, I know of recruiters in LA and DC that I think very highly of.
If you want to go the direct route, I would check law firm web sites — I know that my (former) firm generally posted when it was hiring. And when I applied to firms that had postings listed on their sites, I got responses. I don’t think that — had your resume just come across our recruiting manager’s desk unsolicited — it would necessarily get much traction, but I could be wrong. It’s a different story if you know someone in a target office that can go to the recruiting manager, and the partner in your targeted group….
job seeker
I’d love suggestions in LA. Thanks!
eek
Re: online privacy/tracking
There was some chatter recently regarding plug-ins and browsers. I mostly use Firefox with use the free TACO plug-in (also available for other browsers). The first time you visit a website it will let you turn on/off tracking and remember the setting. Also it can hide your IP address, tell you a website’s risk level and inform you of the social networks trying to track you, ad networks trying to profile you, and companies trying to track you. You can customize settings for each website, use the plugin to pull up privacy data on a site, etc.
Abine Corp also offers other paid products that allow you to delete yourself from the internet, but I haven’t tried any of them.
Mamma Mia
As was foretold by the wise and powerful Corporettes that went before me, going off the pill has really made my face break out, and completely grosses out my whole look. Help! What can I do about this?
Anonymous
Clarisonic and Paula’s choice to try to mitigate the damage :-(
AT
The single product that has made the most difference in my skin is a zinc-vitamin C serum. I randomly discovered a company called Malibu Wellness because my mom’s derm recommended their C-serum to my mom after a surgery or procedure (I can’t even remember know). I googled and decided to try their Zinc-C serum, and while my skin is not perfect, I have really not had any serious breakouts since (an occasional whitehead, or hormonal cyst, but nothing like my skin would erratically erupt before), and I’ve been using this serum for at least 3 years now. It costs around $30 per bottle, and a bottle lasts me over a month (but not quite two) used generously once a day over my face, neck, and decolletage.
Also, I have started using my Clarisonic again, and am wondering why I ever stopped.
AT
ETA – My skin apparently responds well to zinc. I previously posted about Head and Shoulders original version working better than anything else on my bacne. FYI, I’ve also had success with glycolic acid (Jan Marini) and various salicylic acids, but benzoyl peroxide has never worked well for me. I don’t use any of that now though, just the zinc-C, plus whatever night treatment I am cycling through (currently Somme Transport, previously Philosophy Miracle Worker pads, before that Philosophy Help Me), a moisturizer at night, and either Smashbox Photofinish Light or Philosophy The Present in the morning.
Bunkster
So 3 weeks ago when I was up at Sunapee with my nieces while their parents were in the Caribbean, I accidentally broke a lamp.
It was on a table next to the couch in the rental house that my sister has this winter. I learned the next morning that the table it was on was already broken. Apparently, that happened earlier in the season when one of the kids sat on it.
So when I leaned back on the couch against the table, the table collapsed and the lamp broke.
Today I got an email from my brother-in-law with a link to the lamp, which is sold out and was $100. I just searched online for it and spoke to customer service at the company. I’m going to send him a check, but I honestly don’t think it’s fair. The table it was on was broken. They shouldn’t have put the lamp back on it.
Plus, I didn’t get paid for the babysitting.
P
No idea what your relationship with your brother in law is, but if I were you, I’d tell him exactly what you wrote above — it’s a little ungrateful for them to want you to replace a lamp that you broke under perfectly understandable circumstances.
eek
I don’t think it’s fair either, it’s actually really petty given the circumstances (broken table and you helped out with kiddos) and they were on vacation in the Caribbean. Not like you were dancing on the table, Bunkster!!!
I have sisters and I rarely communicate with my BILs, so if that were me, a sister would be the go-between. I am also confident a broken lamp would be overlooked. A few thoughts: 1) reply back and say that yes it did happen while you were there, you’re surprised to see the e-mail expecting a replacement given the circumstances; there was a known problem that wasn’t fixed. 2) reply back with a tally of your expenses and a link to childcare costs for a week and deduct the cost of the lamp from your expenses. Tell him you can accept a check. 3) If you still end up giving money, consider going to the bank and getting it in rolls of pennies. Well, that’s passive aggressive, so don’t, but it’s a funny thought.
Finally, it seems like you see your family a lot, particularly when it comes to helping out with nieces/nephews. A lot of families don’t have family members that are dependable/willing to help out, so he should be a little more grateful.
karenpadi
This.
TCFKAG
First of all — I don’t think YOU broke the lamp — but that’s probably neither here nor there.
In situations like this I try to figure out how important the issue is to me vs. how much money it is. I guess I’d probably not pick a fight with family over this much money — BUT, they are being total idiots especially since you volunteered to watch their kids for them! They should be nicer to you since next time you might think twice.
But that’s just my two cents.
KK
yeah I agree– if the money isn’t a big deal for you, just send the check and let it go. It’s not worth the family drama. If the money is an issue or you really can’t let it go, I’d suggest talking to your sister about it. I would call her and have an actual conversation, forget email. It’s much easier to tell how someone really feels on the phone (when you can hear voice tone, inflection etc) than email.
Bunkster
Yeah. I was just mostly posting to vent. I’m going to suck it up and send $100. That kind of money is kind of a lot for me, but it’s not for them. Their combined annual income is about 4 times what mine is.
Plan B
One question – does your sister know he has asked you for the money? I can see my BIL doing this same thing, but if my sister knew about it, she would tell him he was being a jerk and wouldn’t let me pay. If she does know and agrees with him, I would probably pay too, just to avoid contributing to family drama, but I’d also mention to my sister that they shouldn’t have left the lamp on a table that was broken. I would also be less likely to babysit for them again, much as I love my nieces and nephews.
Bluejay
WTH? I wouldn’t send it. I know from your previous posts that you don’t have a lot of extra cash, and if they have a lot more than you, they’re being ridiculous. Also, I agree with the commenter who wondered if your sister even knows about this?
eek
I’d like to amend my statement to add that he’s tight (in addition to being petty). And I’m glad it was *only* a lamp. Some people are just tools.
This.
Please do not do this!! The resentment will sting for years. Talk to your sister.
Sister
This. Talk to your sister. Tell her it is not about the money and you’d be happy to send a check if they insist, but that you want her to know how you feel about this. Better to talk about it now than for you to feel resentful about this (especially if your sister may not know).
Really, you were helping them have some time together in the knowledge that their kids were om good hands and without incurring any extra expenses. This is true regardless of how much you enjoy spending time with your nieces. I love my nieces and nephews to death, but trust me, when I’m spending more than a day with them I’m doing their parents a favor.
Bluejay
That sounds really petty. I’m sure he will be charged for it by the rental company, but still. I’d talk to your sister and see if you can find out why he’s being petty about it, rather than confronting him directly. And maybe don’t use the word petty, at least not right away.
karenpadi
Are you bl**ping kidding me? I’d ignore his email and mentally dare him to bring it up again.
If he does, I’d vow to never babysit for free for him again. And I would pay it. In 100 monthly installments of $1.
TechAnon
I would start with a reply email to BIL and sister that says, “Wow. I feel hurt by this email.” And nothing else. Move it from the realm of financial accounting to the realm of family feelings and obligations. Then wait and see how they respond.
You aren’t committing to paying or not paying, simply saying how you feel at the moment, which is totally valid.
While breaking the lamp has consequences, so does the request to pay for it. All the consequences should be brought to the table fairly explicitly with all the parties present.
Lilypad
Respond to his email with the going rate for overnight sitters and let him know he can take the $100 out of your pay.
Coach Laura
D@mn, it’s SOOOO hard to get capable household help these days! Can you believe that the babysitter was so klutzy and broke our “prize” lamp?
I agree that talking (via phone not email) with your sister is the best course of action and sending a check if it gets too intense. It’s too bad if it keeps you from seeing your nieces as often or keeps the nieces from getting to play with fun Auntie Bunkie.
Divaliscious11
I’d send him the $100 bucks, plus an invoice for the babysitting, including overtime for every hour of 8 per day…… What a jerk!
Paging hip hop anonymous
Posting this early enough so that maybe you’ll see this sometime before Sunday afternoon — the plan is to go to Go Vertical at 4pm on Sunday. I just realized — if you participated in the Philly ‘rette meet-up thread, my first initial is P and you can totally email me at that address so we can coordinate. Neither my regular partner nor I are particularly good (we just barely claw our way up 5.7s), so we’re totally thrilled to have a beginner along. Hope to hear from you!
anon
I accepted a new job in my department and started this last week. Went home crying every night, I hate the job so much. I spoke with my old boss yesterday and she says that the person they hired to replace me (who hasn’t started) would be better suited to fill another, equivalent open position and she would love to have me take my old job back. I’m planning on telling my new boss on Monday. Does anyone have any advice on how to break the news? I know this is going to be a little ugly for my career in the short term – my new job had been announced to the 50+ people in the university I would have been working with and I’m going to look a little flakey. However, this job is taking my career in a direction I don’t want to go. I’m pretty sure this is the right decision, but the whole situation is a bit embarrassing, made worse by the fact that it’s the same department so I’ll see everyone involved on a daily basis.
Bluejay
I do think you made a good decision, and it isn’t that unusual. I don’t think it will hurt your career in the long run, but it will be awkward for a while. I would sit down with your new boss in person on Monday, and say something like “Old Department has offered me my old job back. It was a hard decision, and I am really grateful for the opportunity to work in your department, but I have decided to return to my old job.”
Honestly, if you hated it, your boss probably didn’t love you anyway and he may even be relieved that you found an out. Good luck!
TechAnon
If other people in the department question you about it later, you can say something like, “Oh, it was sort of a temporary trial to see if I was a good fit doing XYZ. Turns out it wasn’t an ideal match, so we returned to the status quo. Live and learn!” All delivered with a chipper smile, like it happens all the time.
Because, let’s face it: any new position is a cr*pshoot. What looks great in an interview may turn out to just be a bad fit.
Anne Shirley
Hold up a sec- you started a new position last week and are already set to quit? Why did you take the new job? I think the first few months in a new role often majorly suck, so if the things you thought when you took it are still valid, you need to stick with it and have a make it work moment. To me this looks flaky, and is a crap thing to do to the person who has been hired to do your old job. Sure, your old manager thinks they’d be better at a different one, but they applied for and got yours!
NOLA
Shout out to the person who recommended the Halogen Carryover Scarf (back when Kat recommended a heavier scarf). I ordered it in Cloudburst (sort of a dark gray) and it’s perfect! I took it to Boston with me, and even wrinkled in my luggage and stuffed in the top of my purse and carried everywhere, it looked great and went with everything I took. It’s linen, so not too heavy but warm enough when I needed it. Lots of pretty colors still available.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/halogen-carryover-scarf/3219656?origin=keywordsearch&resultback=152
TechAnon
Pretty! I love the Green Oasis color.
CustomSuiting?
I recently got contacted by a sales person from Tom James trying to sell me custom suits. I have male friends who have used them, and swear by their shirts. Has anyone used them for female suiting? I am petite, but otherwise not that hard to fit, and the suits are above my usual price point. Is it worth the splurge for custom?
cracked
There has been many complaints on corporette about the womens custom suiting
TXAtty
they suck. that is all.
okay, if you actually want more, there was a thread about them a month or so ago – i had a really bad experience with them that ended with them acknowledging they aren’t very good at women’s suits.
phillygirlruns
i ordered a suit from a tom james rep based on the recommendations of a well-dressed, but male, partner friend of mine. in the wrong order, i then came on here and asked for opinions and got a whole lot of horror stories. i’ll definitely post a review once i get my suit, but i probably would have just avoided the whole thing if i’d thought to post here first.
Bella
I’m considering having either part of my ovaries, or some eggs vitrified in a year or two. I know it can sound kind of weird, but I do like the idea of having 32yo eggs until the age of 45 or 50. Though I’d prefer to have kids in five years or so, I havent met the right guy for me yet. I also feel I have some working on myself to do before marriage. If I met him later, I might be hesitant to have a child after 40, because of the risks.
It’s a bit strange, but I’m not even sure I really want to have kids, but I do want to have the options. I have PCOS, so if I did want kids, even in my 30’s I might need IVF anyway and am insured for that. So for me, it is only a very small extra medical treatment. It’s fairly expensive, but I could save for it and have it done when I’m 32. I do think I might be better of investing that money for retirement, but on the other hand it is not a huge amount of money in the grand scheme of things.
Have any of you considered it? What are your thoughts?
Anonynon
All I can say is that if I were in your shoes I’d go for it. I’m 40 y.o. now. Didn’t meet my SO til I was 37 and still not sure about kids but it sure would be nice to have the option.
Jc
Thank you ladies for creating such a fun and intelligent community. I’m having a very Corporette weekend: first time trying to wash a suit using Laundress and started using the Clarisonic Mia.
A question… Has anyone had luck with removing pills from knitwear and sweaters? I tried a small electric clothes shaver from Target 10 years ago and the results were underwhelming. Have they gotten better? Any specific brands? Other techniques?
TCFKAG
A friend recommended the “sweater stone” to me (bought it off Amazon). Didn’t have amazing results on my first cashmere sweater (that is super-pilled to be fair) that I tried it on, but she SWEARS by it, so I wonder if I’m doing it wrong.
D Train South
D-FUZZ-IT sweater/fabric comb. Very inexpensive, but priceless.
Anonymous
I have one, from Ebay. It’s great.
LifeCoach
Oohh…love the weekend thread! I’d love some input!
I just saw several references to MagicJack on a “year ago” thread. I do lots of phone meetings from my home office. I’m often on the phone for 60-90 minutes at a time, and a good clear signal is important, so I’ve kept my landline. But I’m also trying to trim costs wherever possible and I’d love to get a cheaper phone service. Does anyone use MagicJack and do you have any experience with the quality of the connections? Or…are there other options that I may not have thought of? (I have wireless internet through AT&T, if that matters.)
TIA
AT
I live overseas and have good highspeed internet in my apartment, so I do all of my phone calls to the US via my googlevoice #, through gchat. It’s currently free… they keep saying they will charge eventually, but last I heard it’s free to call US and Canadian numbers through 2012. Anyway, the sound quality is very good almost all of the time — there have only been a handful of calls that have had problems, and they were all to cellphone users, so it’s anyone’s guess where the problem originated. I am sure sound quality would be even better if I actually used a headset instead of just using the speakers/microphone on my Mac. Maybe try signing up for a google # since they’re free, and try it out with friends/family and see if you feel confident enough in the quality and in your headset, etc., before you switch over to something else.
Bluejay
I also use Google Voice. I use it for international calls, and can actually do it via my Android phone as well as my computer. Their international rates are much lower than the rates for a landline or with a calling card, and in some cases even cheaper than Skype. I don’t have any sound quality problems, but I guess that would depend on the strength of your internet.
coco
A friend of mine has magic jack because she lives in an area without cell coverage and it’s cheaper than a landline. It might be her internet, it might be her phone (which is older), but the connection is terrible. It constantly gets all cut up – I hate it and I think she does too.
C
I just got back from the mall and saw an interesting trend several times.
It was jean shorts, tights, and flats.
Have you ladies ever rocked something like this?
Makeup Junkie
Yes.
In 1985.
Supra
Ha! I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but I wore jean shorts, white tights, Bass “bucks,” and a striped Oxford blouse on my first date. I was 13 and it was 1988.
D Train South
This.
TCFKAG
Funny story — I was out with my sixteen-year-old mentee two weeks ago in Harvard Square (think super trendy/super hipster) and we were eating ice cream in the window of an ice cream shop. A girl walked by in that look and I was just like “EEEWWW” and she was like “that’s a thing” and gave me the weirdest look. By the time we had finished our ice cream, at least four-five more girls had walked by in that look.
So its a thing. A terrible thing, but a thing none the less.
eek
Rihanna has been rocking jean shorts with thigh high leather boots. And by rocking them, I mean.not.at.all.rocking.them in this universe and all others.
mamabear
I went to a Lego Star Wars event at my local mall today, so I can’t say that I saw any current fashion. I did, however, see several members of a Star Wars reenactment league, in costume and in character. Single ladies, I guarantee you, these guys are available.
a.
As much as I love Star Wars, I do not know if I’m the single lady to bring love into their lives.
mamabear
You’d probably have to wear a Princess Leia wig every time you wanted to get it on.
Accountress
You know what? I’m kind of into that. I’m gonna find me a Han one of these days, and ensure that he is no longer Solo.
mamabear
If these guys had any sense they’d all dress up as Han Solo, but they were all dressed as storm troopers and Jedi knights. My son thought it was the coolest thing ever (he’s 9, and that’s why we were there) but it gave me worries about his future.
Dahlia
I think it looks great… on the 15-16 year olds I see it on all the time. If I was that age, I’d probably rock it too. At 27? Not so much.
a.
That’s been around for a few years, surprised you haven’t seen it before! I’ve only done it a couple of times, but I always wore jean shorts + tights + (very casual slouchy) boots, not flats.
Unsure
I need some advice.
I’ve just started a big project at work with a male colleague. (I’m a lawyer, and I took a case outside my practice area, and the male colleague is co-counsel because he knows the area.) Male colleague doesn’t work in my office, but he’s someone I see fairly regularly on a professional basis.
About 2-3 years ago, I used to have a big crush on this male colleague. I made a move, we had a beer together, but we didn’t do much more than that, and now he’s married to someone else. I met his wife once, at a local professional group Christmas party.
Is there any reason I should tell my (non-lawyer) boyfriend about how I used to have a crush on my colleague? I’ve been with my boyfriend about 8 months, and we are thinking of moving in together in the summer. We’re committed.
Boyfriend knows about my big new case, and knows I’m co-counseling with a guy, but doesn’t know I used to have feelings for the colleague. I have no romantic feelings for the colleague any more.
I kind of think there’s no upside to telling my boyfriend about the history. Nothing is going to happen between me and the colleague, and it may just worry boyfriend.
What do you think? Should I tell my boyfriend? (Would he want to know?)
Anon
My SO would NOT want to know. I just advise you to be very careful: no late night private meetings, no just-the-two of you drinks. But no upside to telling about this very nominal history.
mamabear
Oh, no way. There’s nothing you can do except hurt your boyfriend’s feelings. I can’t imagine what good would come of it.
eek
Agree. It’s got nothing to do with you and your boyfriend.
TCFKAG
Nope. I’m firmly in the camp that you don’t owe SO’s full disclosure of every s*xy-time thought you’ve ever had — and this one sounds like it would needlessly cause strife. Agree with above, just keep the relationship wholly professional and you’re fine.
My husband has actually met every guy I’ve ever “been with” been with — but he doesn’t know who they are. And I don’t know who his are. I think some things are best left in the past, but that’s just me.
Diana Barry
Nope, don’t tell him. :)
True Confession
My SO and I just had an exciting conversation about us getting married this am. After he went home, I went on gmail and created some possible gmail accounts for when/if we get married: myfirstname.middleinitial.hislast name, my initials.hislastname, etc.
I feel a little insane, but this definitely falls into the “well, if it doesn’t hurt anyone” camp. Except, of course, others with my first name + his last name.
PS: Lest I sound like a small, dumb child, I am a lawyer, 34, and nobody expects me to change my name (outspoken about my progressive politics). But I secretly want to: his name is much nicer than mine is and my I haven’t seen/ spoken with my father or his family since I was 11. I say time for a new beginning with my love.
Anon
Congrats! I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I have had tons of problem with gmail and using a “.” in your address. For a long time my email address was firstnamelastname, and someone else with the same name had the address firstname.lastname and I got her mail ALL THE TIME – personal mail that I’m sure she didn’t want anyone else to read – and then events her friends invited her to got added to my google calendar.
Long story short – I don’t think you’re insane, but I’d make addresses without the “.”.
Gail the Goldfish
Periods don’t matter in gmail addresses–it must have been something slightly different, or they’ve changed. Gmail just ignores the dots entirely:
http://support.google.com/mail/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=10313&ctx=mail#
a.
This. My gmail is firstinitial.ridiculouslylonglastname. Sometimes people miss the period, send me email at firstitinitialridiculouslylonglastname, and I always get it. I’ve had that address for five or six years, too, so if there was going to be an issue it would have shown up by now.
eek
This is one of the reasons that I changed my gmail e-mail address about 18 months ago. It was ridiculously common and I had at least three other legit people that I would get mail for. One was a woman in the UK (she owned several properties that she rented and was a frequent traveler), the other was in NYC (I got invited to A LOT of fabulous parties), and I can’t remember where the last one was. One of them got really indignant with me over e-mail…hello, get some manners and stop flexing your keyboard muscles. I e-mailed google, they said it wasn’t them. Also, I had this guilt that I was getting other mail and the sender was thinking “wow this person sucks because they never respond to me and I am going to write them off forever.”
And, enjoy the crazy jumble waves of happiness that you’re experiencing!
anon@anon.com
fyi – if you have firstname.lastname@gmail.com, you also have firstnamelastname@gmail.com. the dots are not recognized by the gmail filter. :)
anon@anon.com
see here: http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/1-awesome-gmail-tip-you-dont-know-about-seriously/
Married, took his name
I was one of those women who never really cared much for marriage or “following the rules”. After living together for 8 years, he wanted to get married. It also mattered to him that I change my name. Never thought I would, but I did it.
And, you know what, I love it…..it gives me a little thrill whenever we can refer to ourself as “The Smiths”
TCFKAG
This is like the modern day equivalent of writing your name as his in your notebook. (Just kidding, I say this is just good sense!) I wouldn’t tell him though…just in case he’s the type that frightens easily. ;-)
zora
you are not insane, you are ADORABLE! ;o) enjoy it, and that sounds like an awesome reasoning for changing your name, yay, so happy for you!!
KK
I did this before I got married (or officially engaged)! My husband actually wanted met to… he got super excited about it. I was worried I would like jinx us or something. So far so good.
I still haven’t completed the transition though. I just forward email from the new gmail to my old one. I know there’s some way to import all of your contacts/archives etc from one gmail account to another, but I’m too lazy to do it.
Homesick
Connected with a recruiter this week and am meeting her next week. Turns out she has placed two former coworkers, which I find very encouraging. I have worked with several recruiters in the past and not gotten very far, so hopefully this will go better. Have other people actually had luck with recruiters? It seems that they just want to stick me in one of the five jobs that they have available, even though they are not what I’m looking for and then get annoyed with me when I tell them that. They are off by things like location (I don’t want to move! or commute two hours a day), hours (I’m trying to work less, not take a job that’s 50+ hours a week all year long), etc, not necessarily the work itself.
Coalea
I have worked with several, all during my period of unemployment last year. Overall, I found the process much as you described, and it was very frustrating for me. If I had a dollar for every email I received trying to sell me on a job that wasn’t right for me, I would not have needed unemployment benefits! I think it’s important to keep in mind who is paying the recruiter’s salary – obviously, they are going to be more motivated to find candidates for their clients than they are to seek out the ideal position for you.
I would make sure you are clear and firm about your desires and deal-breakers – and tailor your resume, LinkedIn profile, etc., so that any recruiter who comes across your name will have a better idea if you are a good match for their openings.
In the end, it was a recruiter who helped me get my current position – but she was one out of more than a dozen that I interacted with over 6 months.
TCFKAG
I think the issue with recruiters is that you have to remember what THEIR incentive is, which is to place you as quickly as possible, not necessarily in the best possible position for you. They will also invest more time and energy in your search if you are a better candidate (i.e. more likely to earn them a commission). So if you go in understanding those things, it can be an okay relationship, but I wouldn’t trust my entire job search to one!
I also think that a lot of jobs that are listed through recruiters are either for positions that are particularly hard to fill OR are work-places that aren’t big enough to have their own HR staff to do the search. The prior is great if you happen to be one of those in-demand people (but then you might not need a recruiter to find a job at all) and the latter is worrisome because small companies can vary wildly in their quality of work experience.
Anyway — thats just my two cents. :-P
so anonymous
I am interested in recommendations for DC recruiters (legal/corporate). TIA.
Divaliscious11
Just getting the post number off of 666
TCFKAG
This has got to be one of the most active threads ever. Now I’m just posting to see if we can hit 700! Are we all just really bored this weekend??
Divaliscious11
I can only post during the day from my iPad, but I’ve been so busy, I barely have time to read. Came over and was like need to move this needle a bit…..
Coach Laura
Should be 700!
manomanon
oh it’s over 700 lol
I came back and was shocked- why are we all here?
btsbsc
ladies, any ideas for a quick ice-breaker at the beginning a meeting? about 20 people in attendance and they all work together, but want to get to know each other a little better, (so beyond just introductions.)
TCFKAG
Two truths and a lie. (Each person tells two truths and a lie about themselves and you guess which is which.)
Or else, we did one where pairs sat together and then wrote on cards three things they learned about each other that they hadn’t known. We then exchanged the card (blind) and read them out and people guessed who each person was.
Dawn
One of my faves is People Bingo, but you need to know something personal about everyone if you are the planner. You hand out a piece of paper to everyone and there will be 20 boxes with a little phrase (ie. Has two cats or born in Australia). Everyone has to run around getting the person who fits the box to initial their paper. It is chaotic and gets the energy up!!
TechAnon
Oh, ladies, I am so sad. We had to have our little old dog euthanized this afternoon. We knew the end was coming, but it was still so hard.
My husband bawled his eyes out and I was overwhelmed by his intensity. I’ve never seen him this emotional before. After 15 years, there was this deep well spring of grief tapped in him.
We still have our two cats and they are getting extra cuddles tonight.
Dawn
Aw, sorry you are going through this. I have been there, and it was one if the hardest days of my life. But it will pass eventually and you will have great memories of your little friend forever. I am sure your dog was also very lucky to have you guys and lived a wonderful, happy life.
zora
i’m so sorry :o(
TCFKAG
I’m so, so sorry TechAnon. When I was a teen and we had to put our 16 or 17 year old miniature poodle to sleep, I cried so hard and so loudly, I think I scared the vet techs. When you’ve had a dog that long, its like losing a family member. Allow yourself to grieve in the same way — but also remind yourself that you did do what was best for him or her.
But yeah — all that’s to say, I’m just so, so, so sorry.
Plan B
I’m so sorry for you and your husband!
a.
I’m so sorry.
NOLA
So sorry. Been there. Hugs to you and your husband.
Houda
So sorry for your loss
far west
Corporettes, I have a job-related legal problem. I work as a litigator for the Executive or Judicial Branch of the federal government (keeping it vague.) Our office has a very limited charter. We are specialists. We earn 28 days per year vacation, 12 days sick leave. We are six lawyers and seven paralegals, one political boss and only one supervisor whose had this job his whole legal career.
An odd thing is occurring between me and the supervisor. I work a minimum 8 – 10 hours per day, lots longer while I writing specialized documents or preparing for or am in trial. The supervisor spends part of the day purveying his private business (pretend he sells golf clubs, on-line, over the phone, with drop-in clients, using our telephones and printers.)
This past two months, my supervisor has had his secretary send me emails like this: ‘FarWest, you came to work 5 minutes late on Monday, and 6 minutes late on Friday. Please compete your timesheet for this time.”
Well,Corporettes, there is no timesheet for 1/10 if an hour. Our minimum billable event is ed.25. So, I am being order to delete a half-hour of vacation pay because of allegedly being late for eleven minutes. Mind you, I disagree that I’m late at all. The clocks are all set ten minutes fast so that the secretaries can leave early. And I refuse to rat myself, so the boss overrides my refusal.
Is it even legal to take leave pay from me when I work a full 8, 9, or 10 – 12 day? I’ve never shorted my office for a minute. Morever, my trial results, my writing results, and my reviews from clients are all outstanding.
Do you know what type of legal specialist I could speak with? I tried to Westlaw this on my own, and was helpless. This is depressing the hell out of me; I dread coming to work, and I feel my boss is trying to shame me to quit.
Any advice will be gratefully embraced.
Thanks!
TCFKAG
Jesus Christ almighty that’s ridiculous. Especially for someone who I presume is salaried. I would post this again Monday as you will get better results, but your best bet would be finding a friend who does employment law and chatting with them about it. My memory is that this would probably violate the wage and hour laws, BUT, that the Federal government is not covered by that if I remember correctly (but I don’t cover it).
I think the more critical issue is how to manage this situation. It frankly sounds like your boss is trying to harass you out. Other than starting to apply for other jobs or seeking a transfer within the agency, I’m not sure what to do.
J
If you’re a federal employee aren’t you in a union? They will have a board you can take a grievance like this too. I’m almost sure it violates the rules, even if it’s not actually illegal.
DA
Your agency should have an omsbudman. Start there.
far west
Naw, federal lawyers aren’t in any union. Yes, the job is salaried. And, we are too small to have a human resources department or ombudsman.
I’m having a yearly review with him on Monday (the first ever in 15 years). I think I know our likely topic.
But still unanswered, is this practice — however absurd — even legal? I’ve searched all sorts of legal employment journals, and specialty employment law sites, but I can’t find a single thing on or near point. . . . And I thot I knew how to research. I can approach him with the idea that docking my vacation for 30 minutes if I come to work 5 minutes late is shamefully ridiculous, but I’d rather approach him with the fact that it’s not even legal.
Thanks for your suggestions!
But still. . .
Anonymous
I think this might violate the FLSA in the private sector. Docking a salaried employee’s pay turns them into an hourly employee eligible for overtime, so while you might lose the docked pay, you would also gain by getting paid time and a half for every hour over eight you worked. But I don’t know if federal employees are covered — as stated before.
Whistleblower
File a whistleblower claim against him for using govt resources to run his business. But then he will come down hard on you about allegedly being late. Is there any way for you to prove that you are in the office on time? If so, start documenting it.
coco
Washing the Gap Perfect Trousers –
It says warm water on the tag…but I’m terrified. I have a worse-than-laundromat machine in my apartment building so I was planning on washing on cold. That’s not going to ruin them? Or should I go with the instructions? (These are like the only pants that fit right now, so I really don’t want to screw it up. Although 4 more pairs to try on are in the mail – thanks to whoever posted about the 30% off at Gap this weekend!).
Thanks!
Seattleite
Generally, the laundry tag specifies the hottest safe temp for washing. So if the tag says warm, both cold and warm water will be fine.
If the inside of the washing machine drum is rough and snags your clothes, consider getting an extra-large mesh bag and washing the trousers inside that.
J
I have these and I wash them in warm. Cold would be fine too if you prefer that, but I’ve never had problems with them shrinking or running in warm.
coco
Thank you for the reassurance!
lucy stone
I’m sorry. :(
AlmostWed
Do you ladies have any advice for dealing with a co-dependent soon to be mother-in-law? She lives across the country from us, but is in constant contact (calls my SO literally every.single.night. right before bed) and is very manipulative in her relationships with her 3 kids (ex: blowing medical issues way out of proportion and having the kids fly out to take care of her at least 3x a year at the drop of a hat). She’s a single mom and I give her credit for raising 3 great boys all by herself, but I think she is over-invested in their lives (given that they’re all 25+ years old) and depends on them way too much for her emotional well-being. She doesn’t have many friends and hasn’t had many romantic relationships in the past 20 years and rationalizes it as a sacrifice made for the sake of her kids, but now it seems more like a crutch that allows her to avoid ever leaving a comfort zone, while also making her kids feel responsible for her loneliness.
I’m really nervous about her reaction to ways that I know the family dynamic is going to change post-marriage. We’ll be splitting holidays between our two families, taking some vacation time to ourselves, and be focused on building a life together and I’m nervous that she is going to react badly to this normal process of her son becoming an independent adult. Any words of wisdom?
Diana Barry
I think some of the recent threads about overbearing moms would be helpful for you (from sometime this past week or 2, I think).
The most important thing I’ve learned when dealing with my MIL is to let my DH talk to her. You talk to him, but he talks to her. So he is the one to take the call or press ignore every night, etc. etc., he is the one to tell her about your holiday plans, etc. :)
DJ
I think you’re right to be concerned… sounds like she already has issues with him becoming an independent adult (after all, he’s already an adult, isn’t he? If not that firm on the independent part!) and, I’m sort of reading between the lines, but it sounds like he hasn’t been real consistent with setting boundaries.
Does your fiance see things the way you do? Before you get married, he should start setting some of those limits NOW, and occasionally tell her ‘no’ when she gets demanding, rather than have it be a shock to her after you get married. If he’s very submissive to her now, to not ‘rock the boat’, then suddenly starts standing up for himself after you get married, she’s very likely to blame you for all of it, no matter what he says.
Good luck!!
Hel-lo
I think the really important thing to remember in this scenario is that there is nothing you can do to change her.
And there is nothing you can do to change her relationship with your fiance.
Think long and hard about whether you want to marry a man with this close of a relationship with his mother. And think, seriously, about whether it’s ok with you that he calls her every night. If it’s not, then you need to tell him. But don’t expect this 25+-year behavior to change just because you don’t like it.
It’s a tough situation. But you can’t change other people, just your reaction. So if it’s going to be an issue, make sure your fiance knows. But if you love him and want to be with him even if this behavior continues (which it very well may), then it’s small stuff about which you should not sweat.
I agree with the other poster – if tension arises between him and his mom, you can guarantee that someone will be blaming you.
In-laws are a pain in the ass. That’s just a fact. They have always been, and they will always be.
But you get to decide how you want to react, and whether it’s going to bother you. If it bothers you, your fiance needs to know.
sadie
Anyone out there who could comment on the differences between San Francisco BigLaw (litigation) and NYC BigLaw (litigation)? Am thinking of moving from NY to California, and am horribly uninformed. (I’d be moving for family reasons, not necessarily career reasons.) Seriously, I’ll take any comments/thoughts/reactions/gut feelings.
karenpadi
No personal experience. But I haven’t heard that there’s much of a difference. I think the biggest hurdle is the CA bar exam. But in the SF Bay Area we have great restaurants, no winter, and Napa Valley.
Anonymous
Interesting article about the brainwashing cult of SATC:
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/carrie_away_F2mbhFEqbCj9cC52y8wAFO
Gail the Goldfish
What’s the website that tracks the price of an item and sends you an email when it drops? There’s a shirt at White House Black Market I want to stalk.
Anon
shoppingnotes.com is the one I use
EK
It’s time to say goodbye to my black flats and I’ve come across the Croc Marnie. Anyone have experience with them? Do they look like something professional I can go to court in, and do they make a lot of noise when you walk (like some commenters on piper lime have said)? I like the price ($40), the footbed support (I have high arches prone to falling and sciatica heavily exasperated by flat soled shoes), and that the soles are more heavy-duty than most flats. I am a NYer and definitely need shoes that not only feel good to walk in, but also will stand up to heavy mileage. I know a lot of ladies here are big fans of Cole Haan, but I find that their shoes are too small in the footbed for me (I’ve gone through, and given away, about 4 pair now).
Thanks in advance, ladies!
Link here: http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=36918&vid=1&pid=782183&scid=782183002
EK
ETA: Meant to have a line in here asking if anyone has suggestions for other super comfortable flats (it’s been a LONG weekend!)
J
Oh, I actually used to have these. I couldn’t wear them without socks. They are just rubber on the inside, and your foot gets sweaty and clammy and then it rubs and gets a blister. You can definitely tell they’re rubber; I had “brushed rubber” ones that looked a bit less-rubbery, but you could tell. I definitely would not wear them to court.
I find that Merrells are the best brand for shoes that I can walk in and are also professional enough for court. My current favorite pair is the Angelic Emme, but that has a slight wedge heel so it may not be flat enough for you. But all Merrells have remarkable arch support and good soles.
J
Or if you really like Crocs you could try these, from their non-rubber line: http://piperlime.gap.com/browse/product.do?searchCID=4016&cid=4016&vid=1&pid=909213&scid=909213002 (Crocs Semmy in case the link doesn’t work.)
MelD
Cole Haan tends to run very narrow in the footbed. You may want to try Born or Nurture (Dillard’s brand) flats. They are a bit roomier in the footbed and have a lot of arch support. Merrell shoes are also very comfortable, but in some seasons they don’t seem to have anything that would be appropriate for a workplace, much less a courtroom.
EK
Thanks for the input, ladies. GREAT info to know, J! Saves me $40. I’m leaning towards the Sperry Palmdale (my sperry topsiders are my most comfortable shoes right now), but I don’t know how I feel about spending another $100 on walking flats that may or may not last for a whole year again. Thanks for the brand suggestions, MelD! I will definitely look at their styles.
Giovanna Montelongo
Major thanks for the post.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.
Alycat
Im visiting asheville, nc this weekend. Anyone have any restaurant or “must dos” recommendations?