Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Crocs Sexi Flip Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

You’re going to think I’m mad, but these Crocs are actually some of the most popular shoes on Zappos, and I think they kind of look chic for what they are, which is a slightly fancier version of a flipflop.  They’re super lightweight, with form fitting comfort, and a five-star rating — and numerous reviewers talk about wearing them for all of spring break, traipsing around Europe in them, and in general wearing them everywhere. I think they’d be perfect for the beach or other casual outings. They’re $30 at Zappos, and available in four colors: black, brown, purple, and mint. Crocs Sexi Flip

P.S. Happy Memorial Day to all our US readers — check out our sales roundup. We’ll be back on Tuesday.



  1. Formal Wedding Guest :

    Ah, Open Thread, here we go.
    For everybody who was just as confused by the “no pastel colors” rule as I was.

    Well, the MIL made it up to have an excuse to buy a new dress (or so we assume), neither the bride nor the mother of the bride had said anything about specific colors.

    Bless her.

  2. Lucky Americans with your holiday Monday! I won’t complain though, ours was this past Monday.

    What are everyone’s weekend plans?

    I’m doing a deep-clean of my apartment on Saturday (I’m usually quite haphazard in my cleaning, any tips for being more organized?), and then spending Sunday at a local street fair – it’s a big one, and always well attended, so that should be good (depending on the weather…).

    • Took today off and I’m doing some running around. Going to see Wicked with some friends on Sunday night and probably the new Star Trek movie in IMAX 3D on Monday.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        Fun! I love Wicked!

        I saw Star Trek last weekend and was the only one of my group not in uniform. It was fun to see it with people who are so super into it all just to see the looks on their faces when major things happen.

        • Woohoo! My SO surprised me this morning by arriving at my house on his Harley. I didn’t think I was going to see him until week after next so this was a great surprise.

          And Sydney Bristow, I’m not really a musical theatre fan, but Wicked sounds like fun and I decided that I need to just make plans to do fun things when my friends ask. One friend asked then two more jumped in and it should be a blast.

          Would the Star Trek movie be okay for 8 year old boys? I know it’s PG-13 but wondering what caused the rating. My friend and I saw the Hobbit in IMAX 3D and now we want to see everything in IMAX 3D, but she may have her twin grandsons on Monday.

          • When i saw the movie i was wondering if it would be ok to take my kids to. Early in the movie, captain Kirk is in bed with 2 women. Nothing graphic, but depending on the kid it may spark some questions. Other than that I’d say it’s fine.

          • Interesting. zora thought it was too violent. But all they play with is little people with weapons! They are pretty grossed out by anything s3xual – being 8 yo boys. When I caught beads with a p3nis medallion at a Mardi Gras parade, their comment was, “Is that a crotch? Gross!”

          • Sydney Bristow :

            It is violent, but I’m not sure what people think is or is not appropriate for 8-year olds. It’s probably a combination of that, the bedroom scene Nancypie mentioned, and a scene where a woman is changing her clothes and is in her bra and underwear.

            That’s great that your SO surprised you with a visit! Hope the rest of your weekend is awesome!!

          • I didn’t think it was too violent for most 8 year olds, unless they’re sheltered (for instance, i was surprised but most of the boys in my daughter’s second grade class last year had seen the Avengers). Star trek wasn’t gory with blood and guts, etc. But that’s a know-the-kids in question thing…my 9 year old girl would be bored because she doesn’t like that kind of thing, but my 11 year old would love it. So for me the 3 in bed scene was the problem…

          • Ps that was me, the anonymous, who didn’t think it was any more violent than that many 8 year olds are watching.

          • Thanks, both of you. I ran all of this by my friend and she thinks the boys will be fine. Basically, they’re grossed out by anything s3xual and cover their eyes. They’re totally unfazed by women in their underwear because they are growing up in an entirely female household. So I think we’re just going to take them! They’re funny kids so I’m sure it’ll be an adventure.

    • Training for a 50k in July, so 18 mile run on Saturday and 10 miles on Sunday. Rest day on Monday! Will probably do some work and catch up the household chores, and attending a baby shower. Oh and I have an exam in my LLM class next week so will have to study too. Whew, guess it’s gonna be pretty busy.

    • TO Lawyer :

      This reminds me I desperately need to organize my jewelry drawer – it has become a big mess of everything dumped in which isn’t normally my style.

      I’m going out with a girlfriend tonight, having brunch with some girlfriends tomorrow and have a date on sunday night! but in between all of that, I need to work I think – somehow my to list has gotten out of control and I need quiet time to get a handle on it.

    • I’m going to the river and will be sitting my big pregnant b*tt in the cold water all weekend. Aaaahhh.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Having a bunch of friends over for a BBQ, making red velvet cake, and going to see the new Fast & Furious movie if I have time (no laughing!). It’s shaping up to be a great weekend!

    • Olivia Pope :

      Going to a friend’s lake house with my husband for a no-kids couples’ weekend. Monday will be a BBQ with my family. So perfect!

    • Meeting my boyfriend’s parents. Now if I could only figure out what to wear…

    • Looks like I’m spending it in the hospital, AGAIN. Which means copious blogging and pouting about my lot in life. But oh well, the weather here stinks anyway.

    • A Nonny Moose :

      Enjoying my free weekend til August! Thanks, bar exam.

      • Anonymous :

        Meh, you have all the weekends in June, and July, really. Enjoy!

        • A Nonny Moose :

          I’m working while studying :( But I plan to make this weekend that much more fun to make up for it!

    • Working on Monday despite the bank holiday. But family is up so we’re showing them the city and going to the botanical gardens.

    • We’re visiting my inlaws this weekend. It will be a big picture sharing weekend as they’ve been to China & on a Panama Canal cruise in the 2 months since we’ve seen them last, and we’ve been to Disneyland. Visits with them are always a nice relaxing break as the kids sleep upstairs with my inlaws & dh & I sleep downstairs, so sleeping (or laying) in is definitely on the schedule!

    • Anonymous :

      I’m going to a concert tonight at a semi-outdoor venue. Amphitheater type place and we have seats inside, but it is absolutely freezing here today. As in, winter-like temperatures. I am at a loss at what to wear. Do I dig out the winter outfits? Boots, sweaters?

      • Are you in my city? The weather is miserable today- t’s currently 5C or something and definitely pouring. I wore fleece-lined rainboots, and a down jacket under a waterproof shell today…I probably should have worn mittens.

        I vote for dressing weather appropriate regardless of season, because I hate being cold, especially while outside, but others may disagree.

        • Anonymous :

          Not in your city. Buffalo, NY. It was 38 here yesterday. I dressed for the weather, unfortunately ;). It’s nicer out today, but still unseasonably cold.

          • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

            Being from Buffalo myself, I can tell you that the cold is never unseasonable, even in the middle of August.

          • A Nonny Miss :

            Hi fellow Buffalonian!

    • layered bob :

      working… so ready for June 7, the last day at this job.

    • Working on a proposal (ick), picking up my 3/2 mascaras at Nordstrom, trying on the sunglasses I think I want, picking up shoes from cobbler, family birthday party, and sitting in traffic.

    • I am lawyer, but court hours are short. So, I work in retail part time. Especially on Monday because it’s time and a half.

  3. Has anyone ever started a job and realized two months in that it is absolutely not what you wanted at all? What do you do in that situation?

    • Make the best of it while keeping your eyes and ears open for better opportunities.

      • This. Also, try to learn as much useful and make as many connections as possible while you are there. (I am seven months in at a company that is run by idiots. Looking, looking, and trying to milk this joint for what it´s worth.)

      • Anonymous :


    • When I started at a law firm, I realized very quickly (a month or two) that being a firm lawyer was not what I wanted to do. And then I stayed for five years because I needed the money. By the end, I was frustrated, depressed, and desperate to get out.

      If I could do it all over again, I would start looking at what my other options are immediately, make a more informed choice, and not stay in the job I didn’t like. It wasn’t worth the mental toll. Good luck.

    • Start applying for new jobs.

    • My SO just went through this. He wound up staying at the bad job for just under a year, and started seriously applying after about 7 months. When he was applying to new jobs, they definitely asked about his short tenure. He just had a really good answer (nothing about it being a bad job, but he was at a third party contractor and wanted to go in house for what he was looking for). Anyway, just stay long enough that it looks like you gave it a good go, but make sure you have a good answer as to why you want to leave when it is inevitably asked. Good luck!

    • I’d look elsewhere, try to get as much experience as I can but I’d also probably wouldn’t go as above and beyond as I’d do for other jobs and use the thusly gained free time to develop my own interests and projects.

    • anon for this :

      Don’t ask me… 3 years later, im still here :oP

    • Much depends on whether this is a career mistake (ie don’t want to be a firm lawyer after all) or a specific job mistake (working for a bully, with incompetents?). If you wandered down the wrong career path, you may be stuck there a year at least learning the maximum so it’s not totally wasted, while thinking hard about how to position yourself for something else and what would really be more suitable. If it’s just a specific job mistake, re-awaken your recent job search immediately. Chances are that some other possibility may be open now, they didn’t get who they wanted, the person they got isn’t working out etc :-). Then switch immediately. There will be fewer hard feelings left behind, and you’ll be a lot happier. This 2-month stint never needs to make it onto the resume at all.

  4. Liz in the City :

    In defense of Crocs, I have some plain black flip flops (a few years old) that are by far the most comfy flip flops / sandals I have ever owned. And they aren’t hideous. They’ve held up well, despite being traipsed everywhere. And when I had plantar fasciitis, they were literally the only shoes other than my sneakers (with lovely ortho inserts) that I could wear.

    That being said, there are some ugly Crocs out there.

    • Agreed. I have a pair of Crocs sneakers that are my go to shoes in the summer.

      • You know, I have no shoes that are appropriate to wear to the beach or pool. And I am considering some Croc sandals. I wouldn’t wear them anywhere else, though.

    • Anonymous :

      My sil was wearing these at a local amusement park last weekend & looked really cute for casual wear. I never would have guessed they were Crocs. She said they were super comfy.

    • Yay! Open Thread’s! I love HOLIDAY Open Thread’s! And I love Crock’s! Rosa started the trend in the Barshevsky Family, and now even DAD wear’s Crock’s! Dad NORMALLY NEVER wear’s anything that is NOT Brook’s Brother’s (we call it Barshevsky Brothers, b/c he has a brother that is just as preppey, mabye even more so), but now he wear’s CROCK’S! Does that fit? I do NOT think so!

      Anyway, I was forced to stay late b/c the manageing partner wanted me to buff up his slide’s for a NEW CLEINT pitch he is giveing to a new potential cleint. We needed to update the slide’s to list some new CLEINT’s that I brought in (YAY), b/c we did NOT have those cleint’s when we last used the slide’s. I told the manageing partner that we did NOT get the permision to use the cleint’s name’s yet, but he said NOT to worry b/c he would put this into the small print on the May Billeing’s that Frank is sending out, and we would be fine. I am NOT sure about this b/c there is some case law I read in law school that said you NEED permission, but the manageing partner says the cleint does not read case law. I hope he is right.

      Anyway, I have to catch a 5:30 train today and hope it will NOT be to croweded with all of the peeople goieng to the Hamtons. I say it will be to cold, and am glad that Myrna and I are not goieng yet. FOOEY if it is cold or wet (or both) when we go. I want to be abel to sit in the SUN (or at least under a BEACH UMBRELA! YAY!!!!! I do NOT want to have to deal with SKEEVEY guy’s who come over like they did at the Boardwalk who want us to drink beer’s with them. FOOEY! The last thing I need is a drunk guy with BEER BREATHE! DOUBEL FOOEY! I hope MOM is getteing the CHICKEN ready so that I can taste it by the time I get HOME tonite! YAY!!!!! DAD is also goieng to try it, and he is more then a little pickey! So if he like’s it, I will tell PHILIP to get me a 2 KARAT dimond ring when he come’s OVER! YAY!!!!!!! HAPPY HOLDIDAY’ to the HIVE, and I will be sure to REPORT back!!!!!

      • How disingenuous you are. You should cook it yourself rather than have your mom do it. If this Schlub marries you, will you continue the charade, or by then it won’t be necessary?

        • It is Ellen!

          You expect decency and honesty from her?

          • Sunshine Girl :

            Ellen, do not sleep with Philip! Ellenwatch is away and she does not want to find you got knocked by this guy while she is vacationing. Remember, a dime between the knees keeps the OB GYN away!

    • NCoastEsq :

      I’ve got a pair of crocs that look more like driving mocs – and adore them. The only shoes that I can wear all day without my foot hurting. My bony feet are typically limited to flats anyway or I have terrible nerve pain in the toes of one foot. I’ve been thinking about some flip floppy type things for beachy time…

    • As long as we choose the cute ones!!

    • You don’t have to buy the ugly Crocs. And the cute ones are really, really comfortable. They’re my favorite rain shoes, and way up there for casual sandals if I’m going to be around water, or in so much dust/mud that I need something easily washable.

  5. Anon Today :

    In the past we’ve talked about spouses/SOs whose incomes are disproportionate and how that’s impacted their relationships, including how they handle their finances as a couple. I don’t recall conversations about spouses/SOs who come from different socio-economic groups and how that’s impacted their relationships.

    I’m dating a guy who comes from a different socio-economic class than do I. One of us grew up in a blue collar/working class community (parents, family, friends all finished high school, but no one went to college; family earns a comfortable living, but there isn’t money for extras like vacations). The other grew up in more privileged circumstances (father is a partner at a law firm and all family, friends at least finished college, most have grad school degrees; private school education for the children in the family; parents own a vacation home). Both Boyfriend and I finished college and I am a lawyer. We are both in our 30s and employed in jobs we like and that pay well.

    So far, the differences in our backgrounds comes out with small, irrelevant-seeming things like clothing choices, car preferences, types of architecture we find attractive. And we’ve talked about how our respective backgrounds have shaped our tastes on these types of things (and certainly our personalities do as well, regardless of our backgrounds). But I’m trying to figure out whether there are bigger issues that will arise because of our different backgrounds and how the circumstances of our families impact how we see the world and project our futures.

    • also anon :

      In my relationship with my husband, I’m the one from the less advantaged socio-economic background, and I think sometimes it is hard on me, but I don’t think he notices it at all.

      As a direct answer to your question, I don’t think it impacts how we see the world and our future, but it does impact things like holiday time and family visits. For one thing, my parents live in a small apartment; we can never have big family Christmases there. So we always have to go to my in-laws, which is tough for me.

      My family also does not have the money for a birthday celebration every single year for every person in the family, and I had no clue this was not the norm until I met my husband! His family celebrates everyone’s birthday with a weekend together, dinner out or a big meal at home, presents, cake, the whole bit. So, we go to his family’s house for every Aunt and Cousin’s birthday, but never to my parents’, because it would be a financial burden on them.

      I think most of the perceived hurt or awkwardness is in my head – I obviously have a huge chip on my shoulder about growing up lower-middle-class that I need to get over- but I think it is nice if the person from the more advantaged background recognizes this. And introduces the other to things like, Oh dress codes at the golf club (did not know that was a thing) in a nice way, rather than my MIL being like, “You absolutely cannot wear those shorts to the club.” and im like well, lady, those are the only khaki shorts I own. Sorry.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 to all of this. I am in the less advantaged position as well, and I felt especially awkward when SO’s family threw me a birthday celebration complete with a gift that cost more than twice as much as any gift my parents ever gave me exception for my high school graduation. But it’s just normal in his family. I can’t even express how strange it was and how uncomfortable it made me, even though I know they mean no harm. It would be nice if my SO understood this a bit better.

      • That makes no sense, also anon. I’ve been the disadvantaged partner plenty of times, and it’s never interfered with family holidays. So you need to stay in a nearby motel and only hang out there, what’s the problem? At least it should be cheaper than if you were doing that at the in-laws :-). If push comes to shove, you can also take everyone out for a nice Christmas dinner. Presumably you’re making enough money now yourself to contribute to the holiday in a manner that’ll accommodate everyone. Do you have other longstanding family issues that make you uncomfortable there? Are you ashamed of them? Is your SO acting huffy around them, feeling superior? Some of the best parties I’ve ever been at included being piled up with loving people in “not enough space”, so there’s got to be something else with your discomfort..

    • A couple of things that I think all couples should discuss, but where your upbringing could affect your answer. How do you handle debt? How do you approach savings? How do you approach budgeting? Do you have similar wants vs. needs? Do you want to pay for tuition for future children, be it at private school or college? When do you want to retire? Would you rather travel to different places for vacation or would you rather buy a second home with that money? What is the expectation to care for aging parents? Will one of you want to stay home with future children?
      My husband and I come from different backgrounds. It really hasn’t been an issue because we both want similar goals and handle money the same way.

      • +1. I come from a lower-middle class family and my husband’s family is well-off. We do experience some awkwardness sometimes with things that “also anon” discussed above. For example, his parents give me birthday gifts far more extravagant than I would ever buy for myself or than I have ever received from my family. I think this makes my Dad feel self-conscious, and it makes me feel awkward as a result.

        However, besides that, it is not a problem for my husband and I at all, in the practical sense. We have the same goals with regard to the standard of living we want to maintain, how and how much we want to save, etc.

    • Anonymous :

      My SO’s family is more blue collar than mine. We both have good, well-paying (not 6 figures but still good) jobs in fields we enjoy. I think what’s most important is that you are both on board with how you spend/save money and if you are not, figure out how you will remedy that. Thankfully, BF and I are pretty similar with how we manage money: we save what we can, don’t impulse buy, and started saving for retirement from day one of our careers. One area that I see a difference is that he wants more material things than I do (i.e. a fancier car, a bigger house, a nice watch, etc…). You think it would be the opposite since I grew up with those things, but my theory is that because I am used to having them around I’m not very impressed by them whereas he is. I think that areas it could affect are if one set of inlaws gets jealous of the others (but this would be more dependent on someone having terrible parents). It could also be worth discussing whether you will pay for your kids college, first cars, etc…

    • This is my husband and me. He grew up poor/blue collar and moved out of the family home at 17 with a high school diploma to work having never gone on a vacation. I grew up privileged, parents own a vacation home, parents paid for college, we went on yearly vacations skiing and to the beach.

      The main issue we have is that he feels like we can’t do anything new together because I’ve already done everything/been everywhere, but obviously I would love to do those things with him. He’s started to let it go as time as gone on, but it still comes up. I think the second biggest issue is that I like to spend our discretionary money on intangibles (vacation, eating out, going to the theater) and he prefers to spend money on tangible items so that he can see where the money went (tools, man toys, home improvements, etc.). Luckily, we’ve been able to balance this and compromise really well.

      For lesser issues, this might be because I like to eat, but it’s come up a lot regarding foods. He had never had Thai or Indian food before meeting me and while I think of myself as not cooking anything too fancy, he frequently had never heard of stuff I cook (risotto, chimichurri, etc.) and still often asks me what various ingredients are in menu descriptions when we go out to eat.

      It also comes up in regards to certain parenting things. We generally have very similar approaches/styles, but he doesn’t think we should pay for his daughter’s college because no one ever did that for him, whereas I think if we are in a position to do so (and we are trying to get there), that is absolutely something we should do.

      I am the breadwinner, but he handles all the finances and we are both really happy with that. He feels less stressed about money because we have plenty coming in and I respect him enough to stick to the budget he gives me (something I never did with budgets I set for myself). Because we do generally agree on what is a spending/saving priority, it works well for us, but there have definitely been some uncomfortable moments along the way when we occasionally realize just how different our upbringings were.

    • I’ve experienced this with my SO, whose family is a firmly blue-collar, immigrant family (his parents didn’t even have an opportunity to go to high school in their home country). SO went to college and is a health care professional, and I am a lawyer.

      The biggest difference I have found is in how we think we should spend our disposable income (after savings). For me, every bit of disposable income is an opportunity to travel or otherwise do something that could be viewed as somewhat frivolous (shopping?). For him, disposable income is always an opportunity to invest further in our current assets – e.g. home improvement – and if no such investment is necessary, the disposable income should sit there for a rainy day. I guess the difference is that in his family, there was so little disposable income that what there was had to be conserved carefully, whereas in mine, disposable income really was that.

    • Anon for this one :

      My ex was from a very, VERY well to do family. I grew up in a middle class family but we also had some really rough financial patches when I was a teen as a result of my mom’s divorce and subsequent re-marriage. For us, the educational backgrounds were not dissimilar as most of my family members had at least a college degree, and most had higher than that. But my parents went into professions like teaching and social work whereas his dad was a real estate developer and his mom had various trusts to support her international outreach NGO.

      For the most part, none of this was ever a problem, except that we had very divergent views on how to raise our kids as far as public vs private school was concerned. He went to very elite private schools and assumed our child would do the same. I went to public school my whole life and wanted any child I had to experience that same diversity. Our definitions of what constituted enought money/space to have children were also different. For instance, I grew up in a two bedroom apartment and thought that was fine to live in. He couldn’t imagine having a child with anything less than three bedrooms. We never did have kids, but I suspect this would have been a source of contention and that I would have ultimately been the one to give in on all points.

      The other big thing was that we did spend more holidays with his family and he did not enjoy going to my neighborhood to drive me home to my parents, nevermind to actually visit. When I complained he always offered to give me money to call a cab, but I don’t think he ever understood that I just wanted *him* to drive me home. I suspect this was more to do with him personally, but because my neighborhood was a bit further out and not quite glamorous I think I always felt an inherent judgment in his refusals.

      Like others mentioned, there was also quite a disparity in terms of generousity of gifts from his family to me vs my family to him, but I never minded that. If anything, I thought it was rather sweet when he would give my mom really lovely gifts and lavish flower arrangements.
      We ultimately separated after many good years together but I am very grateful to the inherent education I received as a result of our time together. There are many subtleties I learned from him that I doubt I’d ever have discovered on my own. If we stayed together, I think we probably would have had some issues about raising kids, but all in all I don’t think it would have been insurmountable.

    • Silvercurls :

      This site has a thread on socioeconomic gaps between spouses which might have some useful insights. Link to follow. It obviously made a lasting impression on me ;).

      I’d love to ask people’s opinions re a variation on this: the sometimes uncomfortable “social dissonance” when your education seemingly qualifies you for entree into the more professional, empowered, or higher-income sections of our society, but due to past choices or circumstances (divorce; disability; unemployment; underemployment; choice to work as a public defender, government worker, or nonprofit employee vs. in an area that brings a higher salary; unexpected health concerns for self, spouse, child, or parents; etc.) you don’t have the so-called equivalent income or lifestyle? It’s easy to say “don’t let anyone make you feel inadequate” but usually the problem is that I’m making myself feel inadequate. I wasn’t detoured by tragedy or near-tragedy (recovering from addiction, abusive spouse, fleeing political persecution) and I have no doubts about my life being worthwhile or useful, but sometimes I wish I had been more career-focused or strong-minded. Maybe this is just job-seeker’s angst.

      • Anonymous :

        This is a common feeling within academia, especially positions outside of the tenure track. They’re hard to get positions that bring with them some degree of prestige, but without that comparable degree of pay. Thus it’s not uncommon to run in circles with people making much much more and enjoying lifestyles way beyond your reach.

      • I don’t think there’s a simple answer to this one beyond your needing to be comfortable in your own skin. I have a very wide family, friendship and social circle which includes people who have never travelled beyond their village to people who have their own airplanes, and really do not observe that social confidence, or lack thereof, is the exclusive domain of any particular group.

        It’s wonderful if a person can cultivate the ability to listen more than to talk, and to have a genuine interest about what’s around them without getting competitive or threatened. But if this is too hard, it may also help to thicken your skin a little and remember that other people aren’t really that interested in your angst about success, failure, paths not taken in life and so on. If you don’t draw attention to it, chances are no one will know it’s there.

    • Silvercurls :

    • SpaceMountain :

      Re: kids, we had issues about whether we’d pay for college. DH had to make it on his own, via military scholarship, part-time jobs, etc., while my parents paid for everything. When our kids came along, I assumed we’d pay for their college, but he thought they should do it on their own. So I just started saving for them anyway, setting up 529 plans, etc., and now that we are close to actually sending a child to college, he’s relieved that we have some money set aside given how hard it is to get scholarships. If one of ours does get a military scholarship, that’ll be great, but our children won’t have to do it if they don’t want to.

    • From reading all the responses before mine, I think I can summarize thusly: It definitely affects your relationship because how you grew up affects who you are as a person now, but it isn’t an insurmountable issue and it affects different people differently. No one size fits all answer for this one.

      I am from the less privileged less educated family and my husband is from an immigrant family where everyone has professional degrees, large houses, and luxury cars. My situation is the reverse of a previous poster in that my husband and his family care much more about status symbol purchases (cars, new houses, latest electronics), while in my family, that sort of conspicuous consumption is seen as wasteful or showing off. In my family, you’re pretty much an adult at 18, 21 at latest. In his family, you’re a child until you get married, maybe longer. But there are also cultural differences that have nothing to do with money. Its hard to separate out what is just based on socioeconomic status and what is cultural.

      I think I am more aware of these issues than my husband is. I second the previous poster who said the “chip on the shoulder” attitude of the less privileged person is responsible for a lot of the problems. You have to know your own bias.

    • It sounds like you’re approaching this in a sensible way and the other folks have mentioned the big issues (kids, responsibility for aging parents, and I’d add inheritance as well if potentially relevant). But I’d also say to remember you don’t need upfront answers to everything in order to make a commitment to your relationship. The answers you get now may well change when the situation actually comes round – it is HARD to hold people to their original positions on subjects as emotional as family and related responsibilities. Whereas shared history and built trust do go a long way in bridging differences in how you may see things.

      For myself, I would not have expected to take so much responsibility for the care of my husband’s aging folks when we first got together. But after nearly 20 years and a lot of growing up and growing together, I find it comes quite naturally to step up and deal with whatever needs to be done. And my husband has certainly evolved his ideas on how they should be cared for, to reflect my input and priorities (and fwiw we’re not dissimilar to you – similar educational and professional achievements, but different family circumstances).

  6. sofa shopping :

    I’ll be trying to take advantage of Memorial Day furniture sales this weekend. Does anyone recommend their sofa? I’m open to all varieties (sleeper, sectional). I just want something for my family room that can hold up to abuse from young kids.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a sofa that I had made custom at Ethan Allen for no other reason than I wanted a color that was hard to find. I had them use heavy-duty recliner fabric in that color, which turned out to be an amazing decision. It’s now about 6 years old and it’s held up very, very well. I have no kids, but I’m really hard on things and tend to spill frequently, so that’s saying something!

    • Microsuede. It’s indestructible. I have three kids and a big slobbery dog, and my navy microsuede couches still look pristine. Mine are from Mitchell Gold, and I think the quality is great. But Pottery Barn has some good microsuede options too.

      • Gus – good to know about Mitchell Gold. I just happened to walk by their DC location and loved the couch in the window, so I grabbed a catalog. I want all the sofas.

  7. Has anyone used the GlamGlow mud mask? Not the tingling one. If so, what’s the verdict?

    • A Nonny Moose :

      I have. I liked it. CHS raved about it, and I’m not sure it’s The! Best! Mask! Ever!, but it was fine. I think it was pretty expensive, and I’m not sure I’ll repurchase, although I don’t really need masks, I tried it more to see if it was a miracle product.

  8. Anyone want to do some office decor shopping for me? There is one particularly dark wall in my office that I’d like to put a large mirror on. The wall is about 6 feet across, so I’m thinking a round mirror with a decorative edge 3.5-4 feet in diameter. I really don’t want to pay more than $150, and I’m having trouble finding something I like in that price range.

    I’m open to other shapes/multiple mirror configurations. All of the other art in my office is framed in black, wooden frames, and is mostly of mountains.

    Thanks in advance!

    • just Karen :

      We have this hung sideways in our entryway over a table, and I love it – it’s a little over your budget, and smaller than what you wanted, but it’s so beautiful in person, I had to share anyway.

    • Orangerie :

      Have you tried HomeGoods or Marshall’s? I think for a mirror that large, $150 will be a tough budget to work with at most stores. You might be able to find something big enough and within your price range at one of the discount stores.

      This one from Overstock looks nice, and is $148 with an extra 10% off. The diameter is only 34″ across… so a bit smaller than your ideal range, but it seems like a good option otherwise:

      • That’s where I’m headed this weekend. I was just kind of hoping that the price range wasn’t as restrictive as I suspected it was…

    • Ikea has a rectangular and a oval one that are really nice and inexpensiv

      • Anonymous :

        I always drool over ikeas mirrors. If I bought all the ones I like, I would look so vain!

  9. Anon for this :

    Threadjack: my husband’s parents (who are in their mid 70’s/early 80’s) and living in a retirement community, just sent us a note saying that due to price increases in their facility and their recognition that they have been going through their reserves too quickly, they can no longer send birthday or Christmas gifts to the kids (all teenagers). I’m fine with their decisions-the kids have plenty and have a warm and close relationship with the grandparents, and won’t suffer from missing the extra $$, but I’m feeling bad/guilty over whether we should do something to help the in-laws financially. We are paying college tuition/facing more tuition bills, but are reasonably comfortable financially. On the other hand, we tend to scrimp and save alot (limited dinners out, no cable TV etc), while the in-laws have been prolific spenders on all kinds of unnecessary crap for years. My husband doesn’t seem bothered by this letter but I am. My inclination is to sit back and let him take the lead-if he wants to send them an annual check of a reasonable amount, I’m OK with that, but I don’t think we can do much more. Of note, my parents are both still alive and may face similar circumstances in the near future. We both have sibilings who also factor into this equation-of varying abilities to help financially.

    • I wouldn’t do anything now. If they have to tighten their belts a bit because they’ve made some unwise (at least in your eyes) spending decisions, then that was their choice. It sounds like you’d step in if they were facing real consequences — for instance, not being able to get needed medical treatment or having nowhere to live — but short of that, I don’t think you need to feel guilty about not helping on based on choices that they made.

      • That sounds like good advice to me. I’d also talk to your husband again and make sure he knows that you’d be definitely willing to help out (within reason) but that you trust his judgment to take the lead on this.

    • Your take sounds entirely reasonable. But you may need to buckle up mentally that you’ll be called on for support if your in-laws or parents turn out to need complex/ costly care later on.

      I’ve had an elderly in-law whose retirement home declined care as she became less functional in her 80s -we had a fairly costly stint with live-in help and a day-time nurse for her for a couple of months last year, before a spot opened up at another home. And I find many of my peers in their 40s and 50s have similar stories …

    • In-laws = not really your decision. That is, you’d have some veto power if you thought it necessary. But let your husband think things through on his own, and bring up the topic of support himself, before you come up with suggestions.

  10. Question – trying to figure out what is reasonable in this situation. My in-laws were supposed to come to town tomorrow to celebrate a landmark birthday for my MIL, and we made reservations for dinner tomorrow night, for a party of 8, at a very popular place that required a credit card. This morning, my MIL came down with a serious stomach bug and they are no longer making the trip (and so neither are other relatives who’d planned to come). The restaurant required 72 hours notice to cancel, but we called and asked that they please not charge under the circumstances (giving about 36 hours notice). They refused and said they will charge us $50 a head (i.e. 400 bucks). This is a place that only takes limited reservations, and otherwise has an up to FOUR hour wait for dinner every night, so it’s not like they can’t fill the seats – I understand they have this policy and should have thought twice making the res (although the likelihood that this would happen was miniscule), but do you all think this is something we just have to suck up now, or is it worth trying to argue about it further?

    • Anonymous :

      I would definitely argue it. Its $400! And call your credit card company and explain the situation and that you didn’t sign anything saying you would pay $400 for a canceled reservation. You didn’t receive any goods or services in exchange for that money. I can see them charging $50, not $400. If I were you I would go to the actual restaurant and speak with them during non busy hours (like 3-4pm) because that sounds ridiculous.

      • Thanks all for the responses and suggestions. I will definitely try to speak to someone different there. It’s a huge amount of money… but apparently the confirmation email (which my DH did not look at carefully) did say that they “reserved the right” to charge 50/head. Does that mean we are SOL as far as the credit card company is concerned?

        • Never say never. Call the credit card company anyway and see if you can dispute the charge. And definitely speak to someone else in the restaurant.

    • Anonymous :

      Its $400! Yes you should argue this further. And contact your credit card company in the meantime and tell them that you never signed anything or agreed to be charged $400. Ask to speak to the restaurant manager (and call during non-busy hours).

    • That sounds extremely unreasonable. Three options to consider:

      a) Invite a bunch of your friends – telling them they’re limited to $ 50 if you wanna treat them or offer them a $ 50 plate for 25$ each – and take them there, because you’re spending the money anyway.
      b) Go to the restaurant and try to pick out 8 people of the queue who’d be willing to share for let’s say a 40% discount
      c) Go alone w your SO and have a $400 dollar dinner and wine on an eight people table – an experience and story you’ll share for the rest of your

      If you don’t wanna put in the time or money – ask for management and subtly mention your excellent connections to the local press when calling or ask whether it’d be at least possible to receive the $ 400 as a gift certificate to this place.

      • And of course, the credit card company ….

      • Love this idea. You may actually need 8 people because they might not seat you until the party is “complete.” Also, if you’re far off from hitting that amount, order the most “takeout” friendly meal x 10 and drop it off at a homeless shelter. Seriously. We had a dinner out that a bunch of people bailed on (there was a minimum) so at the end, I ordered like 30 kids meals and dessert and took them over. Call ahead because not all places are cool with this.

    • Ask them whether they have rebooked the table, and don’t let them not answer. If they rebooked that table, then ask what the $400 is for. It’s obviously pure profit for them, and make them own up to that. Maybe it’ll make them uncomfortable enough to cave.

      • A Nonny Moose :

        +1. Eyeroll, but this brings me back to first year contracts and the duty to mitigate. If they manage to rebook, I don’t see how they can get away with still charging you.

    • A Nonny Moose :

      Yes, and I’d also publicly complain. Facebook/Twitter, go nuts. In DC there is a dining chat that is very popular (through WaPo) and this issue has been raised on there; it ensured that other people in the crowd of upscale diners would see it and note that it was an issue.

    • This is horrible and I would definitely publicly complain and keep complaining to the restaurant/your credit card until it is resolved. It’s one thing to charge a small courtesy fee in the event of a cancellation ($50 or so seems reasonable to me for a very expensive restaurant), but $400!?!? I also find it very surprising that they would not be more understanding that the event was cancelled because of illness. Its not like you just on a whim decided not to go. And 36 hours is really a lot of notice. Most restaurants that are this hard to get into keep some sort of waitlist and 36 hours gives them plenty of time to fill the table off that list. If its in the SF Bay Area please let me know, I’d like to make sure I don’t patronize them.

    • Anonymous :

      And yelp about it, too!

    • See if you can just reschedule (not cancel) for Thursday. Then call and cancel. This is how you get around such restrictions at hotels!

    • Call the credit card company and either block the charge or cancel the card. Just tell the CC company what happened and that no services were rendered. They will take on the restaurant much more effectively than you could.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      Have you had any luck with these suggestions?

  11. TO Lawyer :

    This may be a long shot but has anyone been to the Advocates’ Society dinner in Toronto? The invite says black tie but I’m not sure if women typically wear longer dresses or fancier cocktail dresses. This is giving me serious anxiety – are strappy sandals ok to wear? Some of my cocktail dresses are either strapless or one-shoulder – I’m not sure if either are appropriate. It’s at 5:30 on a Thursday and I don’t want to be over or under dressed. Almost wish I was a guy so I could wear a dressy suit or a tux and be done with it.

    • I went last year- some women wear long dresses, but most don’t. I wore a cocktail dress and pumps (I was invited very last minute). Strappy sandals would be appropriate. Any of what you suggested will work and you won’t be out of place.

    • I went last year- some women wear long dresses, but most don’t. I wore a c * cktail dress and pumps (I was invited very last minute). Strappy sandals would be appropriate. Any of what you suggested will work and you won’t be out of place.

    • There’s a range of gowns to cocktail dresses to just-come-from-work suits. You’ll blend no matter what you wear (maybe not jeans).

  12. Coach Laura :

    Kat, you are crazy. :) I bet you ordered them in purple!

  13. Where is karenpadi? :

    kpadi–I just wanted to say I miss you and your sage advice/hilarious Silicon Valley stories…where have you been?


    • NCoastEsq :

      Anyone have any experience with the Coach repair service? The website says send your stuff and $20… I’ve got a 15 yo briefcase with a side seam that gave out. Rrrrriippp. Its been sitting in the corner for nearly a year, and I need to figure out what to do. And I promise not to stuff so many files plus the laptop into it next time :( It was a workhorse for those many years, but also has sentimental value (is that possible with a briefcase??) and I hate to just chuck it. Any suggestions appreciated.

      • No experience with Coach, but with Longchamp, I was able to get fantastic repair service on a three year old bag at no cost — just dropped it off and picked it up at my local Longchamp store. I would call Coach and learn more about their policy over the phone. If they can’t fix it, usually they’ll send you a gift card for the value of the bag — so you could probably request the bag back instead of the gift card, if it has sentimental value.

        • Years ago (ok I mean decades ago) my mom and I used the Coach repair service and it was stellar. I haven’t heard anything about it going downhill.

      • SpaceMountain :

        I sent my favorite old Coach bag to them, paid the $20, and they RETURNED it to me unfixed with a note saying they couldn’t fix it (the leather was peeling off the strap — I thought they could repair the strap). I think I complained and they sent me a coupon or something that I never used because my local store wouldn’t take it. Save your $20.

      • I paid $20 to have a purse fixed (the zipper was fraying) and they sent me a letter saying that they couldn’t fix it, but that they were giving me a gift card for the entire amount of the purse. They also told me that if I would prefer the damaged purse, to let them know and they would send it back to me (but then no gift card). I thought that was more than fair, honestly.

    • Anonymous :

      There are a lot of “regulars” missing lately. I also notice generally less comments lately, at least on some posts where before there were always a lot of comments on every post….

      • anon for this :

        I think a number of people stopped reading/commenting and/or changed their handle after a little kerfluffle (sp?) a few months ago…

        • What was the kerfluffle?

          • Anonymous :

            There were so many kerfluffles, with K in Transition, and E. Pontillier, Bunkster too? The weekend threads can get mean, I can see why it would alienate regulars and make them JSFAMO.

      • Anon for this :

        Nope. the e_pont situation was a trainwreck of many people’s (including her own) making and I’m actually glad the posts are no longer taken over by one set of marital problems played out in real time.

        The posts are down because whatever happened to the site a few months ago has STILL not been fixed. I do not see new comments on firefox most of the time.

    • Aw, thanks MJ! I’m touched! Really!

      I still look over the comments occasionally but I don’t post. I did buy this morning’s vince blouse in purple (yay!). I do enjoy the FB dating group and hanging with Bay Area ladies (one messaged me about your post).

      Alas, there was a bit of a kerfuffle that discouraged me from posting–too many “anonymous”-es were too snarky/not constructive on top of unfounded personal attacks towards me and others. After I floated the idea of a Bay Area meet-up and got no responses, I figured I’d move on. My skin just isn’t as thick as Ellen’s.

      I am happy to see those attacks lessening and to see fewer “anonymous”-es. So congrats to the community for beating back the bullies and the mean girls.

      Anyway, y’all know how to reach me and I’m open to coordinating a meet-up if there is interest. If anyone is in the Silicon Valley and wants to meet for lunch/dinner/whatever, I’m very happy to do that.

      • K-padi, if I ever am out Silicon Valley way, I’m totally looking you up. Just so’s you know.

      • anonypotamus :

        I’d love to do a Bay Area meet-up sometime! I’m a fairly recent reader/poster and was a little shy about meeting up in person, but I think it would be fun!

        • cool! Where are you? South Bay, Peninsula, SF, Oakland? It’s great to meet new people!

      • kpadi, I’m definitely up for a meetup, I think just the location last time didn’t work out for me (our commutes may be the reverse of each others!). But please plan away, and I’ll try and make it!

      • Agree re meetup–the dates _never_ work for me. But holla if you are up by Palo Alto anytime and we can meet up. I’ll send you an email.

      • Saacnmama :

        I always appreciated your posts & vicariously divig the world through you. I know what you mean about the nasties. Don’t know how I’d get in touch if there ever was a reason, mostly miss your distinctive voice in the mix

        • Thank you! I’ve been reading your comments since you posted in the Juggle!

        • Sydney Bristow :

          I miss your input too, K-padi! Your voice is a valued one of experience around here as far as I’m concerned.

      • A Nonny Miss :

        What is the FB dating group if you don’t mind sharing?

        • Hi A Nonny Miss, if you are still reading this: we have a private/secret group on facebook for discussing the thrills, and pitfalls, and horror stories of dating. We have kind of a diversity of people, some are dating pros, some of us are just getting back to dating after short or long breaks. It’s open to anyone from this site, but because it’s secret, you have to ask one of the current members to ‘invite’ you on fb. If you (or anyone else) wants to join, you can email me at zoradances at the mail service starting with G. we laugh, we cry, we share horrifying online dating profiles, all the good stuff, and the more the merrier. ;o)

    • Lady Harriet :

      Yes, I was just thinking of you today when I posted about people who scuba dive in Devil’s Lake. I know you’re originally from WI, and that was the first place I ever saw the term PADI.

  14. TJ: What do you say to a professor who gave you the highest grade? He emailed me yesterday (before grades were posted) saying something like, “hope your semester ended well. Look forward to working with you next year as my research assistant” because I plan to be his research assistant next year. I responded right away but I feel I should email him again now, acknowledging my grade. What would be appropriate?

    • I don’t think you need to email to acknowledge your grade. You already emailed him back in response. Your grade is not a present, you don’t need to “thank” him for it.

    • Anonymous :

      nooooo don’t. Aims is right

    • Great, thanks ladies. That’s what I thought, but the timing of the email made me think the Prof is expecting something and I appreciate the gut check!

  15. Anonymous Poser :

    Okay, I feel a bit silly asking something so specific, and yes I do plan to go to Sephora and Aveda to check this out for myself.

    Does anyone here who is into more “natural” (i.e.,no parabens, no chemical sunscreens) cosmetics also have fair skin with an olive undertone and a BB or CC cream or tinted moisturizer you like? I want the option to step up my game a bit on days when my usual primer + powder just isn’t doing it for me.
    Oh, and I do plan to wear sunscreen underneath, so suggestions without sunscreen at all are welcome.

    • Korres used to have some great tinted moisturizers and foundations. I think they’ve since changed their lines since I last bought it, but it might be worth checking out. It’s a Greek brand and they have olive shades.

    • Boscia BB cream works for me, it’s ‘natural’ (no parabens, sulfates etc.) and one color fits all. I’m probably darker skinned than you but it works very well for me.

    • A friend of mine just recommended Clinique’s CC cream to me; I’m going to ask for a sample tomorrow.

      • Clinique’s has chemical sunscreens. I really like Tarte’s BB cream.

        • oh crap – nevermind then. Thanks for the head’s up. I’m a physical-only sunscreen person only, too.

    • Check out the blog called nomoredirtylooks. You can search past posts and comments. Lots of good suggestions.

      I remember them calling out a juice beauty cream that I want to check out.

  16. Interested in the experiences of those ladies on here who have travelled while 6 or 7 months pregnant.

    SO and I were originally planning on travelling to SE Asia in February or March of next year. As our baby is due in January, we are thinking instead of moving the trip up to end of September or beginning of October. I haven’t had my first OB appointment yet and will of course talk to my doctor about these plans, but wanted to canvass those of you who did travel around that time about your experiences and any tips or ideas.

    For reference, I’m not really looking for ideas re places to go – I’ve been to SE Asia many times before, am a happy and confident traveller, and am familiar with Thailand/Malaysia/Singapore and very comfortable there – this trip was planned more because SO has never been there and we want to visit some friends currently living there. I’m more interested in your specific experiences re travelling while pregnant.

    I also know vaccinations could be an issue, but I’m pretty up to date so would obviously chat to my doctor about that too.

    Thoughts and tips appreciated!

    • Anonymous :

      I would definitely clear it with your doc. Traveling while pregnant is quite different from traveling to a developing country while pregnant. Many bugs that would make you normally make you unpleasantly sick to your stomach could land you in the hospital or worse while pregnant. At 7 months isn’t there some risk that you’ll have the baby early? I thought US airlines generally started restricting travel without a doctor’s note at that point. I can’t imagine going into labor and having to give birth there with all the associated risks with sterilization, etc. I’m an adventurous traveler and I would never go to SE Asia that heavily pregnant.

      • WestCoast Lawyer :

        Last time I looked into it the airline (Virgin America, I think) only required a doctor’s note if you were within 2 weeks of your due date. I wasn’t that close, but got a note anyway since I didn’t want to get into a debate with an airline employee about when I was due and “how pregnant” I really was.

    • Saacnmama :

      I didn’t travel at that point in my pregnancy other than to drive the 8 hrs it took me to drive to where I was taking a new job. I had a moving company, but I unpacked tons of books at home & in my office. I had plenty of energy & steamed ahead. One mistake I made in the final weeks was getting a handicapped parking pass–should’ve kept up the walking & exercise.
      Women get pregnant & have babies in the places you’re going every day. If you’ve been there, you know how you can handle local bugs and you’ll have the benefit of good medical care. Have you started looking into travelers health insurance? You will want to make sure you get plenty of good sleep every night, might want afternoon naps, etc. Swimming during pregnancy is wonderful–you’re weightless, don’t have to squirm to find comfortable position. If it was me, I’d look into local traditions about pregnancy and try some of them.
      Enjoy your last fling with just you & hubby!

    • hellskitchen :

      I had asked about traveling at that stage a few months ago. I traveled from Asia to US while about 6 months pregnant. I flew Virgin Atlantic and carried a doctor’s note with me. I also emailed it to their customer assistance department so when I checked in, I had the option of taking a bulkhead row seat if one was available. It allowed for more leg room but it is also the row with small babies which means a lot of clutter on the floor, crying etc. On one of my legs I decided to take a regular aisle seat even though a bulkhead one was available. Other travel tips – graduated compression socks can be very helpful. In terms of actual travel in Asia, make sure you are always staying hydrated as you can easily get tired and dehydrated walking around… Drink lots of water regularly and do not anything that is not hot or freshly cooked food.

    • I have a home in one of the countries you mentioned and we’ve just hosted/ lent it to cousins who travelled from Europe with their 3-month old baby. It seems to have been a terrific trip for them because the baby is extremely portable at this young age – he sleeps lots, doesn’t require a lot of chunky equipment to move around, food isn’t an issue since he’s only having breast milk and he is really sweet-humoured about being handled by unfamiliar folks (possibly because he may not be recognizing faces yet).

      On the other hand, I think at least some regional airlines disallow travel after 6 months, or at least require a doctor’s note. So don’t rule out keeping your original travel date, provided the birth goes well and you and baby are in good shape.

    • I am currently 7 months/32 weeks pregnant and just finished a long few months of business travel. I think that you would be fine traveling any time in the second trimester, but once you get past 28 weeks (and into the third trimester), it just gets harder. You get physically bigger and less comfortable, and long flights are hard on a pregnant body. I also find that once you get bigger, lifting and carrying things is really harder. And this may be limited to second pregnancy, but I’ve found that the round ligament or muscle pain in the second pregnancy is a real difficulty. You may also want to just figure out your best option for emergency medical care, just in case – you probably won’t use it, but you will be happier if you have the name of the best hospital in your bag.

      If there’s any way you could time it before you hit 28 weeks, I think it’s definitely worth going and would be lots of fun. After 28 weeks, I would have some reservations. At 32 weeks, I wouldn’t go.

    • Thank you everyone – I really appreciate your responses. It is reassuring to know that it can be done. I’ll see what my doctor has to say when I see her later this week, but in the meantime this is a great start. And ss – yes, I’ve also considered your suggestions about keeping the original travel dates – I haven’t ruled that out entirely yet, but I do kind of want to do the trip just with SO!

      • Malaria is the big thing I would be concerned about – for a healthy person from a developed country, it’s generally less of a big deal if you get it (I’ve had it), but pregnant women face different risks. And the strain that’s prevalent in SE Asia is one of the more serious types. I’m not sure what your options are for prophylaxis during pregnancy, either.

  17. Anyone familiar with the Dallas Botanical Gardens? I will be attending a wedding there in 2 weeks. I’m not sure if it is inside or outside; is outside mostly going to be grass? I believe it starts at 7pm, though that sounds a bit late so maybe I’m wrong, but how it the weather in the evening?

    • I have not been to Dallas Botanical Gardens but I think it’s inside. If you’re going to be here in two weeks, expect hot and humid weather. All of our cool weather days are over for a few months. Welcome to Dallas and have a fun weekend! (and that sounds like I work for the visitor’s bureau or something).

    • I live in Dallas and have been to several weddings there. It’s mostly outside, and I don’t think any of the weddings are inside. The wedding chairs themselves are typically on grass, but all of the walkways are stone. It’s mostly flat, but unless you are really good in heels I would have some reservations about wearing heels. If your not from the area, it will be hot and humid most likely, so be ready for that. I think some of the different areas have inside spaces for the reception, but most of the receptions that I have been to have been on an outside patio area.

  18. Anonymous :

    Wedding related post; sorry but those wedding boards are nuts so I figured I’d ask here.

    What the heck do you wear for your engagement pictures? Ideally, I’d like to look cute and casual, but everything I’ve seen either looks blah or completely overdone. I’m also having a hard time picking something that is classic, but not so much so that I look boring versus something with some edge/trend, but don’t want to look dated in a year.

    • I’d definitely err on the side of boring versus trendy. I think photographers normally advise you to wear solid colors as opposed to prints or stripes and to stay away from white and very light colors as they can make you look bigger than you are. I wore a medium blue knee-length jersey dress. I love the dress on me but I didn’t love how it photographed. It was very windy where we did them and so the dress kind of billowed out, making me look larger than I am. If I were doing it again I’d probably wear jeans. I think skinny jeans, knee-high flat boots and a pretty solid-color blouse or sweater would be a great look, but I guess that’s more of a fall-winter look. I wouldn’t wear colored denim even though I think its wicked cute because I think in a couple of years it will look SO 2012.

      Oh and I’d highly recommend paying for hair styling/make up if you’re not good at doing your own. I’m really terrible at it but I thought I could just blow my hair straight and it would at least look better than it normally does. It didn’t look very good (and the wind really didn’t help). And then on my wedding day it rained and my professionally-done hairstyle got ruined…oh well maybe my maternity photos will have nice hair? :P

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

      Check out www. weddingbee. com (remove the spaces). A lot of the bees have done engagement pics, so you can get some ideas from there.

  19. The bf and I are planning a trip to Iceland and to Greece this summer (last week of August). Any great suggestions for activities? We’re planning on staying in Reykjavik and Athens, respectively, but are open to day trips.

    • Iceland and Greece are two of my favorite countries! It was awhile ago that I went to Iceland and I was pretty young at the time but my favorites from that trip were Jokulsarlon (glacial lagoon – not sure if this is close enough to be a day trip from Reykjavik) and the Blue Lagoon which is definitely near Reykivak. In Greece, Delphi is a great day trip from Athens. I thought seeing more ruins would be repetitive after going all over the Acropolis and Parthenon the day before, but we got to see the mountains and experience a very different part of Greece than Athens or the islands we went to later, so it was really worth it. You can hire a guide to take you there and drive you around to whatever you want to see. I think it was around $200 for two of us. The tour buses cost nearly that much and you sit on a bus with 30+ people being herded on and off and around the attractions, so I definitely recommend a private guide. In Greece, I also highly, highly recommend going to the islands, especially Santorini. I hate Athens less than most people I know but I really felt that two days there was very sufficient to see everything we wanted to. Its pretty compact and easy to see everything you want to. You can do a lot of day trips to fill your time but I think it makes more sense to do a few days in the islands. I don’t know anyone who regretted cutting their time in Athens so they could add in a visit to Santorini.

      • nice cube :

        athens is small and really, really walkable – we spent two and a half days there before hitting the islands and we did all the sites at a leisurely pace. i loved it! people there were so warm and welcoming. we also visited mykonos (party island, pretty but kind of trashy), santorini (hiked the volcano and visited the main island, great views), and rhodes (awesome walled-in island, lots of history, very cute). Enjoy!

  20. These AGLs are on sale. I have them in the nude color and they are so comfy. They do run small, as stated.

    There are also some ridiculously cute pink flats on sale, too.

  21. hadderlee :

    AZ ‘re tt es! We are making a driving itinerary for mid June and are going from Las Vegas to OK city. We would like to stop at either Canyon de Chelly or Petrified Forest! Which do you recommend? Will we die in the heat? TIA!!!!!!!!!!

    • hadderlee :

      Oops never mind- from the fodor’s forums DH was reading it looks like we can easily do BOTH!
      More = Better!

    • Saacnmama :

      You might also like Palo Duro Canyon in the TX panhandle. It will break up the monotony nicely.

    • Anonymous :

      Canyon de Chelly is kind of out of the way. I’d do Petrified Forest and Meteor Crater. If you want to see really fascinating Native American ruins, I’d look into Walnut Canyon.

      Summer is the perfect time to see Norther AZ — in fact, you may be kind of chilly, especially at night. Pay attention to the highs AND lows when travelling in the desert. Just as many people die of exposure as heat related illnesses. Also, make sure you have 5-6 gallons of water in the trunk and a blanket. There are still plenty of parts of AZ with unreliable cell phone coverage.


  22. Poll d

  23. Poll for the hive: how often do you talk to your parents? I average every two weeks I am a young peofessomal, recently graduated frm law school. How about you?

    • Email once or twice a week, phone about once every 2 weeks, and I see them in person every few weeks.

    • 1x day/every other day, probably for 5 – 10 minutes, unless something more pressing is going on. early 30’s professional. But we live in the same geographic area. So she’ll call to say X is on sale, or something is happening.

      • Alanna of Trebond :

        Yup–same. At least once daily, and it’s usually about little things. Has been somewhat less frequent when I’ve been super busy at work. Mid-20s, professional.

    • If you don’t get many answers to this question, it could be due to the fact that this same question was asked within the past month or so. Tried to search for it but I may not be using the right words.

    • Only when I call usually. My mom will call if there is some kind of natural disaster in my area, or someone dies, or she wants to borrow money. In my twenties I used to call once per week on average. Then over time, and with the aid of some crazy family hijinks, I decided I wanted some distance from the dysfunction and I was sick of being the one to constantly make all of the effort. Half the time when I used to call she’d be watching TV at the same time, totally distracted. Ugh, I have better things to do than hear your narration of some mindless reality show. Now I call once every 1-3 months when there’s something specific I want to talk to her about. It’s much easier this way to avoid getting emotionally tied up in the crazy. I usually hear about the crazy stuff (evictions, family feuds on Facebook, arrests, court dates, drug abuse causing major problems) only after it’s happened. If something really big is going down and I need to be involved, my brother will call and let me know. I talk to him 1-3 times per month. He’s normal.

    • Weekly, usually 30-60 minutes. Email every couple days.

  24. Poll for the hive: how often do you talk to your parents? I average every two weeks. I am a young professional, recently graduated from law school. How about you?

    • big dipper :

      I talk to my mom on the phone every other day and I talk to my dad every 5-ish days on the phone. My dad and I email back and forth every day or so (we exchange articles we read), so that’s why we talk less frequently.

      I just graduated from law school, but the same has held true since I went to college, worked for a year, etc.

  25. Spilled milk :

    I made an unnecessary stupid “mistake” (not sure if that’s the right word) and can’t stop beating myself up for it.

    I have a job and on the side, I’m doing contract work for another company. I mistakenly thought I would have to report this contract work to my insurance company, so I did. Turns out you only have to report if you are above a certain income threshold, which I am not. Now the insurance company is doubting whether what I am doing for the contracting company really is contract work and not some sort of legit employment. (The latter would probably result in a fine and me having to pay more insurance. I’m not in the US, so don’t know the equivalent terms but that’s the gist of it.) This is somewhat baffling because I didn’t even consider what I am doing anything else than independent contracting and my contract matches the definition of “contracting”, but apparently the distinction is not clear cut and decided on a case-by-case basis.
    To make a long story short, my hearing was yesterday and now I will have to wait for the outcome because they need to interview the contracting company as well. Then they either decide I really do contract work or that I will have to sign an employee contract which would result in a lower pay due to the higher insurance payments. So either I have just created a lot of bad blood and extra work for the company (the investigation, the hearings, etc.) or I made my employment terms worse (if they even keep me as an employee).
    All of this could have been avoided if I hadn’t reported the contract work to my insurance (which again would have been perfectly legal) and right now I just want to go back in time and tear up the form where I reported my contracting. Of course I can’t do that and realistically, there is nothing to do but sit back and wait for the decision which may take up to a year. Still, I can’t stop worrying about it and my heart starts racing (in a bad way) every time I think about the hearing and possible outcomes. I just want to bury myself and never get up again because all of this didn’t have to happen. But it did because I made a stupid mistake.

    (Sorry for the novel.)

    • Mmm – do you work in France :-)?? Anyway, bureaucratic mistakes will happen, there’s no use retrospectively wishing you hadn’t. But maybe you need to hire a better accountant, who could have warned you? Subscribe to a forum for people in your position which might provide more timely advice?
      Good luck on the hearing results anyway!

  26. Question: has anyone had experience with steam presses for residential use? I have a Jiffy Steamer which has changed my mornings and greatly reduced my drycleaning bill, but it does not give you that pressed look you get from drycleaners. I was looking at a steam press so that pants, in particular, would look more pressed.

    Thanks in advance.

    • I have a Jiffy (the floor model) and the only thing it can’t do is press in creases. Otherwise, it’s all technique to get it to look good.

  27. sad lawyer :

    By any chance, does anyone have a story about a judge ripping you a new one in court that you would like to share? I could really use some commiseration.

    • Do you have any friends who are criminal attorneys? Anyone who is in court a lot (like prosecutors and defense attorneys) will have a story to tell about being reamed by a judge. I would share some of my more spectacular stories, but they would definitely out me to the coworkers I know read this site.

      I have been yelled at by a judge when it was completely deserved, and I have been yelled at because judge is human and having a bad day. The important thing is to know whether you screwed up and how you can avoid doing it again, or recognizing that it wasn’t you and you were just caught in the crossfire.

      It probably looms much larger in your memory than it does for the judge and his/her staff. Have a glass of wine, but don’t lose any sleep over it. It will be fine.

  28. Requesting info interviews :

    Regular here, going anon for this because I feel I should know this at this state in my career.

    I’m considering switching fields, but don’t know anyone in the field I’d like to move into. The new career would probably require me to move. I’m fine with that, but it makes networking difficult. This summer, we will be vacationing near a center of the “new” field. I’d like to do informational interviews & have a good idea of what to do and say in one from past threads on here. The question is how to get them. I tried sending very brief emails on a different trip, sent to the firm’s general address. It was forwarded to HR, who wrote me to say “we don’t have any open positions right now”. I did not mean to imply that I was looking for a job; I just wanted to talk to someone about how the field is set up, who some of the other actors are (it’s what you might call a “hidden” profession, not one that had a career track that’s clear in school with major set up for it).

    How should I proceed? Should I call and be gently insistent on talking to the big kahuna until I get someone besides a receptionist & can explain what I want and set up a time? Should I try another email? How should I react if I get dumped & rejected again? If I write an email, should it be a full page letter, telling about my experience and how I think it relates to the new field or should I do like last time and write a short email hitting the highlights & attach my resume?

    I think I should avoid the phrase “informational interview” because it seems likely that the word “interview” will send me straight to HR, who are less likely to be able to tell me about the industry than one of the higher-level officers. What else should I avoid or be sure to include?

    Finally, some of the companies don’t list the names of heads of various depts on their website. I doubt the big heads of everything would meet with me, and talking to the head of the depts I’m interested in would be at least as good. To whom should I address/send the letter?

    Thanks for your help!

    • goldribbons :

      No experience with this exact scenario but it seems like you might want to try networking toward your desired “big kahunas.” Do you know anyone in New Location? Do you know any employed professionals in New Location? Does your alma mater (undergrad/grad, whichever is applicable) have any info on who else from your class year is employed in New Location? I think “informational interview” will actually allow you to circumvent HR because everyone knows “informational interview” is different from a regular interview. I think “getting information about certain work” makes you sound a bit more wishy-washy. YMMV, but hope this helps. Good luck!

      • Anonymous :

        Networking towards the biggies as fast as I can, but I doubt I’ll make it to them before the vacation. Wish I would’ve thought of this when I was scheduling it!
        Thanks for your comment.

    • If you have no connection with any of these people, it will be hard to convince them to make time for you, especially if they are busy, high profile people, and they may be wary of how much you will be expecting of them in terms of time and favors since they have no idea what your personality is like (and we’ve all come across semi crazy people in our lives and want to avoid them in these kinds of things). I would start with your network. Ask all you family and friends and see if they know anyone who knows anyone who has connections to anyone in this field or even just to this general location you want to move to. You can always try cold leads, but it’s not reasonable to expect people to make time for you if they have no connection with you at all. I wouldn’t press too hard with HR. They have no obligation to you and their job is to protect the interests of the company and the people working there.

      • HR is absolutely what I want to avoid!

        It just seems like such a shame to be right there and not at least have tried a few cold calls.

    • Both the “interview” terminology and the attached resume will make it clear that what you want is a job, and so you will get (properly) referred to HR. I’d see whether you can hit some sort of professional meeting/conference instead, that’d be a much better way to get to know people, who then may be willing to give you the info you need. If you don’t know any such meetings, that’d be a good question to ask.

      • Anonymous :

        Thanks for the idea about seeing if they happen to have a conference going on while I’m in town.

        I think the faulty logic I ran into last time is the same as yours here–hoping to get advice on the field, where I best fit with my background is related to eventually applying for positions at firms in this cluster, but not now. I don’t know if I’d even be ready to apply for a job today.

  29. I’m looking for khaki capri pants to wear rather than shorts when it’s hot this summer. I’ve looked at Ann Taylor, the Loft, and Lands End websites — any other suggestions?
    I hate the ones with ties at the bottom and am a size 8 or 10 and on the pooch-ier side. I’d like to spend $50 or less/pair so I was hoping to find sales this weekend, but I’m stuck working so they need to be online. Any help very appreciated!

    • I should have said that the pants are to wear on weekends and on vacation in a hot climate — not to wear to work.

    • Try Eddie Bauer, LL Bean, Macy’s.

    • The Gap went all in for the shape they’re calling “skimmer’ this summer. They come in khaki and stretch denim, and are on sale this weekend for >$50.

    • Did you look at Patagonia? I know I’ve seen them there before.

  30. I know this will make me sound insane and neurotic. Please regard this with an open mind.
    I helped a friend of mine, “Mary,” get a job at my company. Since she started there we haven’t been very close, and she’s become very close with another gal with whom I’m also friendly. I was a bit surprised that Mary hasn’t really made the effort – heck, she didn’t even get me a coffee or lunch or anything and I really went out of my way to help her get this position – but what can you do.
    This is the silly question that will make me look insane and beyond petty. So every time Mary sends an email to both me and this other person, she puts in her name first. I swear I don’t usually note this sort of thing but I noticed it early on and now I see that every single time she emails the two of us — and it’s been a dozen emails, at least – she puts in her name first. My name’s ahead alphabetically, and it’s just weird. I mean, every time? Yes, it’s no weirder than me noticing but – UGH. At some point it just seems like it’s by design and it’s obnoxious. I’m okay with her being closer to this other friend — frankly, I don’t feel I have as much in common with her now – but to make such an effort to put her name in first every time is getting on my nerves.

    • Anonymous :

      It would actually be much more of an effort to alternate or something. Please dont take it as an intentional slight

    • This is a situation where focusing on this kind of thing will only hurt you. Let it go. But I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s a huge favor to put your reputation on the line and help someone land a job. You would hope they would stay friendly with you and give you some kind of appreciation. Just be the bigger person.

    • Don’t think about it. I’m sure I always refer to people in the same order (and it isn’t alphabetical). It could be anything- maybe when she thinks of the two of you, the other person’s name pops into her head first. Maybe your name is shorter/longer and it sounds funny in reverse (Elizabeth & Sara, vs. Sara & Elizabeth).

      If she spelled your name wrong, or left you off important emails, then I’d worry about it.

      • saacnmama :

        I do this too, like with my nephews who I (& pretty much our whole family) refer to as [younger bro] [older bro]

        • Thanks so much for your replies, ladies (and gents possibly?), and for being nice about what might seem like a minor and mockable thing.

    • Plus she could have for some reason set up a group that way in her contacts and that’s why it’s so consistent. Or her mailer sends in a specific order (email alphabet?) that nobody has any control over. I understand your ambiguous feelings about the whole thing (although gratitude should never be -expected), but you’re definitely reading too much into the email thing. And maybe she wants to make sure she’s not professionally imposing on you too much further by clinging like a limpet?

    • Maybe when your friend got the job she felt that she was the “guest” and you were the “host” since you were already at the company. Maybe she feels slighted that you weren’t interested in interacting with her and now thinks of you as being less of a friend.

      Either way, you should let it go.

    • Your feelings are hurt so just acknowledge it. My feelings would be hurt. But you still have to shrug it off.

  31. That could be true, thank you for replying Anonymous.

  32. Anonymous :

    If everyone’s skin was as thin as Sara’s, then 5 people in this thread are feeling POed by only 1 anon being thanked.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

      Or the other five people are adults who understand that on this site, sometimes you cannot see all of the comments and so maybe Sara was thanking the person whose comment she could see.

  33. Anonymous :

    I actually did thank the rest of the kind repliers, anonymous- unfortunately all my comments undergo moderation review- not sure why. Replying from my phone now. I certainly wouldn’t think to neglect the others, given that’s the very thing I was whining about.

    • Anonymous :

      No worries. Just realize that such “slights” can be entirely unintentional & the offender might not even realize they’re happening, or could be powerless to stop them.

  34. Anonforthis :

    Hi ladies, somewhat regular poster here. I have a close friend that has three children under 5. I have reason to believe, many reasons actually, that her and her children are not safe with her husband. He is actively threatening her, the wife, and has done other things in the past few weeks, as well as something today that make me (and her) very uneasy. What do I do in this situation? I am at a loss, and I honestly am scared for her safety. I do not want to isolate her (she knows they’re welcome at my house any time and do not want that jeopardized), but I feel like I really need to do something to push her to seek help. They have been in marital counseling for about a month to a month and a half, but he is becoming more and more violent.

    • Anonforthis :

      Obviously that should be “she and her children.” Guess I’m a little distracted, apologies for the grammatical errors. :)

      • saacnmama :

        If she’s feeling “uneasy” at what happened today, then he’s already pushing her to seek help. I assume you’ve already let her know that she’s generally welcome. You might want to have a more specific conversation, perhaps asking about her kids’ preferred sleeping arrangements or offer to have a couple outfits and toiletries on hand for them all. I once worked out an agreement with my upstairs neighbor about how she would signal me if her boyfriend tried to hit her again, what door she’d come to, etc. I’m sure it’s very hard to watch so upclose–people on this board get nervous just hearing about somebody they know only through here being mistreated. I think it’s important to let her know both that you are ready to translate caring for her into concrete action and that you respect her decision and want her to be in control of her own life. Best wishes to you both, and the kids!

        • I should’ve mentioned that the neighbor started that conversation, not me. I think you’re right to be worried about pushing her away if you act too worried. Maybe you could couch it all in terms of in case she decides in the future that x is necessary, then you could do x

    • I read your post, then I read this article off Google news:

      I don’t mean to seem alarmist or melodramatic. But what happened to Susan Powell and her boys can happen to anyone in a relationship with a controlling abuser. Susan saw it coming and others knew the situation was not right. Nobody acted until it was way too late and now five people – three adults and two children – are dead. In these situations, I feel like the most important thing is to protect the children from their violent parent. If that means the other parent loses custody and the kids go to a relative or to foster care, to me, then so be it. At least the children will be alive and hopefully that will trigger the abuse victim to get out. So the story does not end with one parent buried God-knows-where, probably never to be found again, and two little boys dead after being attacked with a hatchet and blown up by their father. If I were in your situation, I would present it as: I have to do what I have to do to protect your kids. So either you can come stay with me, or I can find you a shelter that will take you and the kids, or I can call CPS and tell them your children are in immediate danger. I know that seems harsh but we have all seen, over and over, how terribly these stories can end. Why take the chance? No one thinks it can happen to someone they know until it happens. Big hugs to you and sending out many vibes for strength and peace.

    • Anonymous :

      I think you should offer to take the kids for a sleep-over. Rent a movie (My Neighbor Totoro) and have them over. Serve them pizza — don’t make it hard or complicated. If you have to, tell her it’s so she and her husband can “work on their marriage.” See how he reacts. See how the kids act. Make it clear to the kids that they are safe and cared about.

      Then marshal your forces. Are the kids in preschool/daycare? Their teachers will be mandatory reporters. Contact your friend’s marriage counselor (also a mandatory reporter). Call up your local precinct and ask about safe houses, restraining orders and response times. Call your friend’s parents, siblings, and religious leaders. Just say that you’re concerned and ask if they are too.

      Look at this website: There are lots of resources, both emotional and institutional.

      Yes abused women don’t often leave until things have been really terrible. Or never leave at all. But she has kids, and at that point it really doesn’t matter what she wants. If she can’t understand that, then she’s not the victim, she’s the enabler. I’ve known way too many people who grew up in homes like this and the results are horrific — drug use, teen pregnancy, anger issues that land kids in juvie, PTSD and alcohol abuse that makes people unemployable, suicide, becoming abusers themselves, and court martial/Federal prison. It’s easy to mess up kids. Don’t let your friend’s husband or your friend do that.

  35. Guinness Girl :

    Don’t wait. Call DCS, or DHS, or CPS – whichever is the agency to report suspected child abuse in your state. Look it up on your state’s government website. You do not have to have evidence, and you do not have to give your name – i.e., the family will not know who reported (could have been a teacher, daycare provider, church friend, other neighbor, anyone). Keep the kids safe, even if your neighbor can’t yet make the call for herself. Women return to their abusers an average of seven times before taking a permanent step away – but the kids should not have to suffer in the meantime.

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