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Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Suddenly, all I want right now for the weekend is light blue jeans that are ankle-length. I’ve seen them in a ton of different styles: whiskered and light, skinny crop, kick flare crop, even pull-on jeans. We’re past the rolling stage, so don’t worry about that anymore; the new thing is just cropped jeans. I like it — I think it looks clean and cool. These jeans from Articles of Society were $68 and are on sale for $40 at Nordstrom (lucky sizes only). Heather High Waist Crop Pants

Two plus-size options are here and here.

Psst: If you’re kind of obsessed with an oversized, slouchy sweatshirt for the weekend (or at least, if you were all spring), this one is great — I just ordered it in a second color.

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Comments

  1. We’re past rolling jeans? Oh no.

  2. Attorneys, does your firm include a little tidbit about your personal life (kids, community involvement, etc) in your website bio? We’re revamping our website and getting rid of the personal tidbits and I’m a bit sad – I think they humanize us.

    • New Tampanian :

      That’s unfortunate. I think all bios should include something personal.

    • Anonymous :

      Nobody mentions their kids. A large number of people mention community involvement, especially if they’re on the board of an organization. A handful of people mention hobbies, but generally only if it’s something really extraordinary and noteworthy. So it might say “In her free time, Jane participates in mountaineering and summited Mount Everest in 2014” but it wouldn’t say “Sarah enjoys cooking, running and sailing.”

      • Jeez, the competition never stops, even in bios, huh?

        • Anonymous :

          I don’t know that it’s competition so much as the fact that everybody has hobbies, so people don’t typically mention hobbies unless they’re really unique. The Mt. Everest thing is an achievement but I’m sure there are examples where someone lists a hobby just because it’s really unusual. Nobody lists cooking, running, traveling, reading, etc. because zillions of people do those things.

          • Senior Attorney :

            I used to list tap dancing. It was a fun conversation starter.

          • Tap dancing is totally good. Generic interests that everyone has/puts down just sound generic. I think you have to be more specific with things that many people would list. To use cooking as an example, it always sounds dull but I can still recall two good variations on this: one was an interviewee who said she was trying to learn how to cook and talked about how clueless she was/what she was doing to learn and a guy I met at an event who said he was spending his summer trying to learn classic French sauces.

    • No, and I’m glad. My interests, thanks to BigLaw, would have been sleeping, hoping for an uninterrupted hour to watch TV in the evening with my husband, taking Saturdays “off” to keep my life running in orderly fashion, and occasionally paying attention to my friends. Somehow I don’t think that would have made it to publication.

    • I don’t really like the little personal things. I just changed jobs and have to include one and it just seems out of place to me on a professional page. It also reminds me of this firm where instead of the typical corporate headshot, it was a photo of the person doing something outdoorsie – here’s Jane riding a horse, here’s Marcus getting ready for a scuba dive. It always made me laugh and may have colored how I felt about personal stuff on bios generally.

      • I would be horrified if I had to use a photo like that on my firm’s website! It would probably just be me watching Real Housewives or something.

    • We include significant community service roles (like board service), but not personal hobbies or family stuff, and I prefer that. Given the nature of my client based (very, very large corporations), I don’t think that’s really relevant to their decision to hire me. I might see it serving some benefit if your clients were mostly individuals or family-owned businesses, where the relationships are more personal.

      • Anon Atty :

        If you are marketing to consumers, they really care! I do a mix of family law and personal injury. I always ask clients where they heard of me. I frequently get the answer that they googled for attorneys, looked at pictures, and I looked friendly.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Ours do and everybody here mentions their families and/or their interests, even generic ones. But we work for institutional clients so they are less of a marketing tool and more of a conversation starter for the down times during long mediations.

  3. Paging the Air Drying Twist poster. Thank you! It really works. I have to admit, I read your both of your posts about it and thought, nah, won’t work on my hair, it will just untwist. Surprise, surprise, it doesn’t! I put in some JF Frizz Ease and twisted away. I work from home so after I put my roast in the oven (JK) I sat down at my computer and let the twists dry. I’ve just shaken them out and it looks great. Not as nice as if I used a curling iron, but no heat was the goal and this will be an easy fix for this summer. Happy twisting!

    • I tried it last night, but I was too close to going to bed and ended up blow drying it. I need to give it a shot this weekend when I can putter while it air dries! Patience is not always one of my virtues.

    • That was me! I’m so glad it worked for you!

      For me, it’s good for the day I twist it and maybe the next day if it’s a weekend day. Depends on how I sleep. Sometimes day 2 bedhead is ridiculous so I either wet it again or break out the hot rollers (I am an Alabama prom queen at heart, despite being a native Californian!)

    • Shoot, I must’ve missed those posts, but this sounds awesome. Can somebody point me to where this was discussed?

      • Basically, rather than blow drying your hair, if you take sections all around your head and twist them away from your face.

  4. Edna Mazur :

    Anyone have any good hacks about making regular nylons work for maternity nylons? I’m in the ‘could go anytime now or still have several weeks left’ phase of pregnancy and most of my work maternity clothes are skirts/dresses (also it is hot as heck here) and, unfortunately, I have to wear nylons. I hate ordering more maternity nylons so if someone has a tried and true hack I’d love to hear about it.

    • Anonymous :

      Can you wear plus size nylons, if you’re not already plus sized? I’m not, but I wear them for regular wear because they’re more comfortable. I bet they would stretch to fit.

    • Anonymous :

      Is it for compression purposes, or because of the dreaded thigh rub? If thigh rub, I strongly recommend the jockey slipshorts instead of full nylons. If for compression, that’s a different story, which also means you need to a bit picky about what you’re ordering. I do like the Spanx ones though.

      • Anonymous :

        And I realize I misread the question and you don’t want to order more. In that case, I’d probably go up to a larger size as suggested above. But frankly, if you’re buying more, I’d just buy real maternity ones. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable the last few weeks.

        • I agree. Chances are good you’ll need the extra room the maternity ones give for a while after the baby is born anyway. With my first I didn’t realize I would be wearing maternity clothes for at least the first month or two after giving birth. It was very depressing.

    • Anonymous :

      I switched to buying thigh-highs.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I can’t deal w/ tight stuff on my stomach due to my crohns. On the rare occassions that I have to wear nylons, I take scissors and cut giant v’s into the sides to make them more forgiving and comfortable.

    • Edna Mazur :

      It’s for company dress code, can’t wear a skirt or dress without nylons or tights, and it is too hot for tights.

      Thigh rub, at this phase in my life, is definitely a consideration though. Not sure jockey slipshorts would work with the bump though, and I’m trying to avoid buying more maternity anything.

      Thigh highs, plus sized, and cutting v’s all sound intriguing.

    • I loved my Berkshire maternity hose during pregnancy but I hear you about not wanting to order more. I think I’m your shoes I’d wear pants or put some bronzer on my legs and flout the rules for the remaining days.

    • I just cut a line down the waist part in the front until just a little waist part was left (if that makes sense) and then wore them under the belly.

  5. Kensington still hasn’t finished recounting! I thought all it had in common with Florida was lots of wealthy retirees….

  6. Are colored pencil skirts with neutral tops a dated look? I feel like I wore them a lot in 2011-2012 but I’m not seeing them so much any more.

    • I wear them. Although, I also still roll my jeans, per above so YMMV…

    • Anonymous :

      People in my office (myself included) still wear this look. Although this summer I’ve seen more colored pencil skirts with printed tops instead of just neutral tops.

    • As someone wearing a teal pencil skrit with a striped neutral top today, I sincerely hope that this doesn’t look dated.

    • Ummmm I kind of think it’s dated. It’s kind of a “ladylike” look and I think ladylike was a 10 years ago trend.

      • Country Biscuits :

        That’s sad to hear that ‘ladylike’ is a trend.

        • Yeah. I don’t think it is.

          • https://www.google.com/amp/www.glamour.com/gallery/10-easy-ways-to-pull-off-falls-ladylike-trend/amp

            2010 Ladylike trend

          • I’m not going to post a bunch of links but googling ladylike trend gave me a bunch of hits from 2010-2011-2012, and then a couple of articles form 2013 saying ladylike suits in particular were over and the modern (for 2013) suit was more military or tough looking.

          • You sure showed me.

    • I’m wearing this today and had the same thought! I think, in general, anything loud is out – brights, jewel tones, patterns (aside from delicate/uniform patterns). I’m wearing a fushcia pencil skirt with a black top today – I think black with bright colors is out (e.g. cobalt & black trend of 2013/2014ish).

      However, if I were wearing a light blue pencil skirt and an ivory top, I don’t think that would look nearly as dated.

      • PrettyPrimadonna :

        I agree with bright colored clothing and accessories being out. I have been avoiding wearing certain pencil skirts and finally figured out why–they seem dated to me. Even my husband, in helping me choose clothes to get rid of during a closet purge, sort of felt this, too.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t worn my rainbow of bright pencil skirts and blazers nearly as much in the past couple of years.

    • Unless the cuts or styles are somehow dated, I don’t see how this would look dated per se. It’s standard professional gear.

    • I have a kelly green and a hot tamale (red-orange) pencil skirt I’ve worn just this week. I generally pair them both with navy tops, a white blazer, and statement necklaces. I get tons of compliments every time, so I keep on wearing them.

      And if brights are out, I don’t care! My wardrobe is full of magenta, kelly green, cobalt, lavender, teal… Color lover right here!

      • Country Biscuits :

        2nd. I can’t quit color.

        • I mean, you do you, but I have vivid memories of being a kid in the earthtoned 70s and the neon 80s and seeing lots of my mom’s friends sticking to their 60s looks – bouffant hairdos, blue eyeshadow up to the eyebrow, frosted lipstick.

          I just want someone to nudge me gently in the direction of modernidity so that I can make subtle changes, stopping short of being a slave to the latest trends.

    • I found this string hilarious. First, I think you should wear what genuinely looks good on you, not what the Mall Gods deliver each year. So if you look great in bright colors, wear them. Second, the Neiman Marcus summer trend list was full of color — pink, yellow, etc. And the In Style list had cobalt with black as a fresh combination, along with black and white prints, and gingham. So if you followed the advice on this string, you would have just tossed building blocks for current looks. Just remix your older pieces with newer ones so you look like you are evolving.

      • +1. I feel like fashion is starting to demand we totally revamp our entire wardrobe on a seasonal/yearly basis, and a) I can’t afford to do that, time or money-wise, and b) it’s terrible for the environment.

  7. Bah. I think cropped light jeans are cute enough, but they are deeply unflattering on my figure. Add all the troubles of skinny jeans, but with the additional problem of a fabric color that disguises nothing and magnifies everything.

    • Same! I bought a cute pair of really light colored jeans and they make me look awful. Plus I just don’t know what kind of shoes to wear with them. I’m guessing sandals would be best, but I don’t live in a place that’s very conducive to sandal wearing. White tennis-shoe like shoes, like the ones this pair is styled with, make me look very soccer mom.

    • Personally, I think they are a teenager / juniors section thing. If my lower body were amazing enough to pull them off, I feel like I would look like an older woman who pulled her 80’s jeans out of the closet and said, “HA! THEY STILL FIT!”

      • They are. My 16 year old daughter and her friends buy faded vintage 501’s and call them Mom Jeans.

        And for all I know she’s bought the actual pair of jeans her mom wore back in the day. So I guess Mom Jeans isn’t inaccurate, but I sure didn’t feel like a mom when I was wearing them!

        For myself, I will pass on this one.

      • Country Biscuits :

        I don’t know; I got some light slight bootcuts that look great with wedges or cognac heeled sandals. Maybe channeling a little 70’s. But very versatile jeans.

    • I don’t like jeans that light, or that unfinished hem. I decided I wanted cropped jeans so I made my own by hemming an old pair of straight leg jeans that I had not worn in years. And, because I did it myself I was able to make them the exact length I wanted to look flattering on my short little legs! (I’m kinda proud of myself for learning how to hem jeans, too – can you tell?)

  8. Are small delicate necklaces in and statement necklaces out? Someone posted that earlier this week. I’m fashion challenged.

    • I own and wear both styles regularly, depending on my mood.

      But I also roll up my jeans.

    • Senior Attorney :

      That was me. I wouldn’t say “out” so much as “not on the cutting edge.” Take a look at the “necklaces” section of, say, the Nordstrom web site to get a sense of what’s out there. Long pendants are big right now, as are tassels.

      • I never got into the statement necklace thing. I always felt like they were too heavy. But I recently bought a black dress with a higher neck that needed something more, so I bought one. I mostly wear more delicate necklaces. I’ve tried layering, as is supposed to be the style, but they just get tangled.

    • Anonymous :

      Probably, but at my office a lot of women still wear the statement necklaces because they sit under a blazer much better than the long delicate pendant style necklaces that are super trendy right now.

      • Shopaholic :

        +1 – I love necklaces but sometimes my long necklace just gets in the way. I feel like trends are slightly different for the office than for the weekend?

      • Also, b**bs. I don’t like the way a pendant gets lost in the canyon often times.

        • +2 (or +36HH, depending on how you look at it)

          • I’m busty. You just have to get the pendant the right length. It needs to fall below the b00bs so that the thing doesn’t get stuck in your bra or whatever. If large of boob, maybe buy a somewhat bulkier chain or layer a couple of necklaces of similar length to give it the right proportion.

    • I’m taller than average (but not tall tall), a size 14, I have a very large chest. Delicate necklaces get lost on me….sometimes, literally. So I rock statement necklaces constantly, and I have to reserve delicate pendants for higher necklines to visually lower the line and break up the boobshield of fabric.

    • I’m all about the pearls, which I consider classic, though as I have gotten older my pearls have gotten larger :)

      I think a bib-style statement necklace is definitely a dated look, sorry to say. It kind of goes with the brightly colored pencil skirt question above. It’s definitely a look of a specific time, and that time is not now.

      • Yes — five years ago everyone was wearing bright pencil skirts, ruffle blouses, and statement necklaces. If you wear it now it just looks like you haven’t updated your look.

      • +1 on the pearls, I find I reach for them more and more as I age. Should I be disturbed that I am starting to consider “Pelosi pearls” or something like them as a viable 50th birthday present to myself?

    • I agree that both can be stylish depending on the piece itself and how you wear it. I love a statement necklace but I typically stick to plain beads. J Crew Bubble necklaces or giant daytime crystals I’d say are going to look dated. I feel like the big plastic chains are having a moment right now.

  9. D. Meagle :

    Looking to replace my Longchamp nylon tote with something similar, but leather. I’ve been looking at some bags from Cuyana – classic leather zip tote, small carryall tote, or oversize carryall tote – and trying to get a sense of size. I want something similar in size to the large Longchamp tote that I can wear on my shoulder. The classic zip tote and oversize carryall tote seem like they are maybe too big, but the straps on the small carryall tote might be too short. Anyone have insight on these bags?

    • Anonymous :

      Annabell ingall! the large tote holds a legal sized redweld :) The small one is a good size as well and both can be hand bags or over the shoulder. They come in a ton of colors as well.

    • I live by my Tumi tote

    • givemyregards :

      I think the Class Leather Zip Tote is the closest in size to Longchamp – I went to their showroom in SF and was strongly considering getting one to replace mine (which someone should really rip out of my hands and throw away). I was a little concerned that the straps would stretch out if I overloaded the bag sine they’re just a single piece of leather, so I didn’t pull the trigger, but I honestly may have been overthinking it. It’s a really gorgeous bag and if you want a tote with a zipper, I think it’s a good option, particularly for the price.

  10. Anonymous :

    I have a pair of jeans JUST LIKE THIS.

    I use them for gardening.

    That’s real gardening, as in outdoor landscaping, you gutter minds.

  11. Folks: Strategies for dealing with someone above you who is not a team player and does petty things.

    EX: you cc a higher up (than non-team player) on a project you are both working on, and non-team player takes the project behind your back, completes it, and does not copy you

    EX: non-team player regularly leaves you off emails for a case/deal you are working on and does not include you in meetings

    What can I do? Do I confront this A-hole? Again, I am not the type that drops the ball or has bad relationships, but he seems to be actively undermining me, and it’s both frustrating and hurtful. What would you do.

    And please don’t tell me, find a new job. This is biglaw, I’m junior, I can’t lateral because of one a-hole midlevel above me. Thanks.

    • When you say “above you,” do you just mean that he’s more senior to you, or do you mean that he is supervising you on this deal?

      • He’s senior, but is not supervising. But he’s just NEVER a team player. Ever. It’s super-frustrating. I understand the junior shouldn’t be involved in everything, but he’s literally stealing my work and my hours (and the partner seems not to care). I guess I shouldn’t care either, but I’ve never experienced anything like this.

    • Anonymous :

      I would first consider whether this is about him not being a team player or whether it’s about you being on a need-to-know basis. Yes, it’s nice to be included in everything on a case, but there could be other things going on. Maybe he views your role as handling only discrete issues that you are assigned. Maybe it’s difficult to justify to the client billing your time for the same meeting.

      Figuring out whether the issue is a personality thing vs. a legitimate work/chain of command thing will help you know how to address it.

      Assuming it’s a personality thing, I would confront it indirectly. Find a way to make it about you learning more from the senior associate/stroking his ego than about him leaving you out. Something like, “Hey Senior Associate, I am really interested in [learning more about X] [taking more ownership of the matters I work on] [seeing how this part of the matter works through]. I think I could learn a lot from you by being included on more emails/in more meetings/handling this part of the project. Would you mind cc’ing me on all communications about the case/including me in all team meetings/letting me handle this piece?” You are more likely to gain traction with a jerk by making him feel like you think you have something to learn from him than by saying something that will make him further threatened by you.

      If it’s a legitimate work thing, you could use a similar approach but offer to not bill for your time in the meetings or ask if he would bcc you if it’s an issue of the client seeing too many attorneys on an email.

      If that doesn’t work, you could take the same approach with the partner on the case. Some partners can be sticklers for team communication/mentorship opportunities, and they may get after the SA for leaving you out/taking your work. I had partners chew out a fellow associate for her repeated failure to include key team members on emails.

      Good luck.

    • I would talk to him in the moment. In your first example – when you find out that he did the project himself and cut you out, I would say something like, “hey, I saw you completed project X. We had discussed splitting it up. I was really looking forward to working on it/learning more about Y. What happened?” Keep your tone light – in person or phone is good for this – and see how he responds.

      As for your second example, this happens all the time on cases. Most of the time, it is completely innocuous –
      a lot of clients don’t want to see too many people on emails so the juniors are left off. But you can find this out. Just approach this guy and ask him if he will CC you and invite you to meetings so you can stay in the loop on the case. He might say no and explain why. If he says yes, and still leaves you off (and it seems intentional), you could consider going above his head. Depending on how closely you need to work with him in the future, this might not be a great idea. But I know of people who have done this – gone straight to the partner when they’re not getting good experience from the senior associates – and while their relationship with senior associate was not great afterward, they got better work from partner going forward. So weigh that before proceeding.

      One last point – if this guy is senior to you in associate years, he probably views himself as your supervisor on this case, even if it has not been explained to you that way. That’s just the (very hierarchical) nature of many law firms.

  12. PSA: The Antonio Melani cardigan linked to earlier this week is on “permanent reduction” for $54. So are quite a few of the AM pieces.

  13. Tipping haircut :

    In my LCOLA, my haircuts only cost $12. How much should I tip, for a good, time-consuming (because I have extremely thick hair) cut? Anything percentage based seems too low…

    • I might round up to $20 if it was stellar.

    • $12? Seriously?

      My father goes to a place like that and he just gives her a $50. To generous, but he feels bad for people who do good work and get paid terribly.

      Honestly, I would give her at least a $20. And maybe a nice bonus at Xmas.

      • Tipping haircut :

        I know! I’m still trying to get used to the prices here. I just dropped off a pair of leather heels for repair, and the guy warned me it might be more than 10$, if he had to hand-stitch it!

    • May I ask what area? Also, I agree with $20 but you might spy on other people and see what they tip. You don’t want to drive up prices for the locals.

      • No that’s obnoxious, she shouldn’t under pay someone because that’s what others do. Give a $20, because there is no way someone is getting a living wage for a $12 haircut.

        • +1 Also it’s totally condescending to say she might drive up prices for “the locals”.

          • She is, after all, a local now!

            Go with $20.

          • Well, it’s great that you can both afford to pay twice the amount, however I think that you do need to be sensitive to the location, what others pay and creating expectations. Especially if it is a small town. And “obnoxious” and “condescending” are both a little much here, but thanks.

          • I’m with you on the language choices. We can disagree without being hyperbolistic, afterall.

          • Hyperbolic?

            Eyerolling myself.

    • Anonymous :

      What kind of place is this? More like a Hair Cuttery or more like a nice salon? Sorry but there’s no way I’d give $50 for a $12 haircut – likely not even $20. While wages should be hire etc. etc. I’m not taking that burden upon myself – that’s the employer’s burden to pay more and raise the cost of services. Depending on the service, I’d pay $16-18. That’s a 33-50% tip which is overly generous.

      • It just seems so petty to ask for $2 back from a $20 bill. Like, I will not miss that $2 at all, might as well just add it on to the tip.

        • Anonymous :

          Most people pay on a card so they aren’t asking for anything back. Besides if you pay $20 for $12 – you are getting back $8 — one $5 and three $1s. You could just leave the $5 and take the ones and still be pretty generous.

    • Anonymous :

      I also live in a LCOL area and my haircut is $12. I tip $15, which is 25% and I always thought that was pretty generous, since I normally tip 20% for most other things (restaurants, cabs). It would never occur to me to give $20.

      • Anonymous :

        I mean, I pay $15 including the tip, so a $3 tip.

      • Anonymous :

        Also to add to this – I never tip less than 20% unless service is poor, but people in LCOL areas tend to tip much less than people in big cities. A lot of people I know around here do 15% as a default, 10% for poor service and give 20% only if the service is really excellent.

        • But don’t you want your hair dresser to be able to pay her bills? Just because it’s ‘normal’ doesn’t mean it’s okay. I’d feel terribly guilty if I didn’t do my (small) part.

          • Anonymous :

            Why do I owe someone a 66% tip? And why do you think this hair dresser is worse off than a waitress or a cab driver or anyone else? LCOL areas are cheap all around. Sometimes my husband and I go to a diner for breakfast and it’s $12 for both of us. Do I owe that waitress $20 too? It’s absurd to say that I should be tipping 66% everywhere I go because things are cheap. And I’m not sure where the “living wage” argument that you owe more on cheap services comes from – someone living in middle-of-nowhere Alabama on $7 an hour is doing a heck of a lot better than someone living in SF on $20/hour.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            I would assume that low cost of living means that $12 goes a lot further. Her rent might be $500/month instead of $1200/month.

          • I suppose I just value doing the good and kind thing. On a $12 hair cut that employee is certainly being paid minimum wage when overhead is accounted for. Hair dressing isn’t just some low skilled job, it takes talent and cosmetology school. I value talent and education.

          • Anonymous :

            It’s not even $500 vs $1200 rent. Money goes about 10 times as far here as it does in NYC. When you get a $120 haircut in New York, do you give the hairdresser $200? If not, don’t act so smug about doing a “good and kind thing.” I give plenty of money away, but I do it to causes I care about.

          • To Anon at 4:06: “Well, it’s great that you can both afford to pay twice the amount, however I think that you do need to be sensitive to the location, what others pay and creating expectations. Especially if it is a small town.”

            What does being a small town have to do with it? Haven’t the small towns of America done enough damage to us so far based on last year’s election? I feel no compulsion to do things “like they do in small towns” or to think that the way small towns do things is anything to write home about or live by.

    • So many assumptions about what people in small towns here do or what they can or can’t afford! Ladies, your class biases are showing. People in small towns do not need you telling others what they can or can’t afford. And LOL to the argument that one person leaving a generous tip is going to cause major havoc and price increases.

      • Well, if they could afford more then the price of a haircut would be higher. The assumptions above imply that the hairdresser is destitute. Having experienced small town living and coming from a poor background has put me in a position to understand. Maybe they don’t need your charity? I mean, that’s how I would take it and word travels in small towns.

        • My company charges my work out at like 75/h and I make 25/h. A client of mine knows this and often slips me a 50 when I go on site visits or above and beyond, it’s not because she thinks I’m clarity, it’s because she values my work. Likewise I give good tips because I value my hair dressers skills (and my cobbler and my tailor etc). It’s not ridiculous to think “hey this person does great work and I’m going to give them what they deserve.”

    • I grew up in a small town (but on a coast, so not Midwest level LCOL), typically pay between $12 and $15 for a haircut for my pretty easy to cut hair, and always round up to $20 with the tip. I also frequently tip well above 20% at breakfast places because the bill is so low. I think my approach to tipping is pretty normal around here, so don’t assume you’ll look out of touch with norms if you give larger tips on low bills.

  14. [email protected] :

    How often do your kids see out of state grandparents? My husband and I recently moved from the same city as his parents to my hometown which is about a 7 hour drive. My parents didn’t mind the drive and came up to see us all the time. My in-laws saw us maybe twice a month when we lived in their city and did not offer to help with regular care of our daughter when I went back to work, though they help out a few times when she was sick and couldn’t go to daycare.

    Now that we are in a different city they are really giving my husband a hard time about coming us coming to visit – particularly complaining that it’s not fair that my parents get to see my daughter more and generally being really aggressive and hurtful about us coming to visit them. They came to see us once for a weekend and we are planning to visit them at least once more this summer. They are both near the end of their careers and have said they have flexibility, and they don’t seem to have any money issues or health problems that would prevent them from making the trip. Is it unreasonable to expect them to visit us more often than we visit them? My husband and I both started new jobs, have limited time off, and are really trying to save money. We have made clear they are invited to come any time and for any length of time, but we only have a two bedroom apartment so we have not offered for them to stay with us. they have said we need to do our fair share by coming to visit them. My husband doesn’t seem to care or feel any strong need to make plans to visit them, but I feel guilty about it and don’t want them to be upset. I feel like i should probably not worry about it and just let my husband make the plans he sees appropriate but I can’t stop feeling bad about it.

    • For a time, we lived about a 7 hour drive from my mom’s mother. IIRC, she would come down maybe twice a year and we would usually go up once in the summer. Now, I don’ t know what the dynamics of those visits were in terms of my grandmother coming (though my dad always joked he actually liked it because it was the one time that dinner was ready when he got home – which is also probably a contributing factor to why he and my mother are divorced now, but I digress…) and us going up.

      But, TLDR – same distance for a time and max 3 times a year – twice her coming down, once to her.

    • “I feel like i should probably not worry about it and just let my husband make the plans he sees appropriate”

      Go with this feeling. Also, try to stop keeping score on how much your parents do vs how much his do, and who visits whom more often.

      I don’t have kids, but growing up I saw my out of state grandparents probably about a couple times a year for a week or two at a time.

    • Anomnibus :

      I grew up with grandparents in another state, about 6 hours away. They came up here a few times a year, we went down there a couple times a year. It stinks not getting to see that part of your family that often, but that’s the reality when a visit means a day-long car or train ride. You only have so much money and vacation time to use for travel.

    • My parents live OOT (11-hr drive or 1.5-hr flight). We see them every 3 months or so. They almost always visit us for the reasons you describe — we can’t afford the flights easily, it’s harder to drive with a baby than just 2 adults, and we have limited vacation time. My parents don’t seem to find this unreasonable. We also aren’t able to host them because we have a 2-bedroom apartment, but they are sometimes able to stay with my in-laws, who live in town. They usually stay 4-7 days. We visit them about once a year, so the ratio is at least 3 to 1.

    • FWIW, I only saw my paternal grandmother twice in my life (she lived overseas) and my maternal grandmother probably 10 – 12 times (she was not particularly pleasant), but then again, my family is not really one for non-holiday family gatherings and we are a small group!

    • We’re a 12 hour drive from one set of grandparents. We aim to visit them 2 times per year and they try to visit us 1-2 times per year. The family is spread out in general, so there is usually 1 more family gathering for a total of 4-5 visits per year.

    • We live far away from both sets. We don’t have the same money problems, though, so we splurged on a guest bedroom in our HCOL area. Result is that each grandmother flies in every 4-8 weeks, minimum. (Both sets of grandparents can afford it and it’s a financial priority for them, too.). So we have tons of houseguests, but we don’t mind it. I know you said you’re saving money, but sometimes renting a slightly larger place doesn’t cost as much money as you think…might at least be worth looking into.

    • At least it doesnt sound like you are being asked to pay? My inlaws complain they dont see our kids enough but we actually fly them down and put them up at the in-town grandparents house (who are usually traveling when this happens). It annoys me my inlaws wont make this a financial priority since they just bought an over $1 million house. FWIW, we can afford to fly them down. It just annoys me thats the only way to get them down.

      Anyways, they visit twice on our dime and we visit one to two times (baby and toddler and 3 hour flight).

    • My kids are 1 and 4. We live a 3 hour drive from my parents, who still work, and a 4 hour flight from DH’s parents, who are retired.

      My parents (often just my mom, who has a super flexible work schedule) see my kids at least once/month. I’d say we go down to them once a quarter, maybe slightly more. But where they live is where a LOT of my family lives- my only living grandmother, 3 of my aunts, my brother, many cousins. So if it’s a major holiday, we generally go to see my family since we can see so many of them.

      We go to visit DH’s family 1x/year, sometimes more if there’s a big event (75th b’day/death/etc), if I have a bunch of points burning a hole in my pocket for airlines, and/or if there is some kind of good deal on flights that coincides with a good time to take vacation. My MIL comes up solo at least 1x per year, and my FIL and MIL come up togehether every 12-18 months.

      We have a guest bedroom in our house that my parents and family always use. When MIL comes to town, she stays with us. I’d say 50% of the time when MIL and FIL see us, they get a hotel (their call, and I’ve learned to love it).

  15. Dry Spell :

    This may be TMI but I am going through the longest spell of ummm not having a gardening partner since before college (looooong time ago).

    I. AM. DYING. Solo gardening is fine but I have such a better time with a partner. I just signed back up on Bumble lol. AAAAAGH.

    • Well the great thing about being female is that you can get laid just about anytime you want to. All you have to do is lower your standards! Ha!!

      No seriously, I think there’s Mr. Right and then there’s Mr. Right Now, and both of these misters have their function. Be safe and get on with your bad self!!!

      • Dry Spell :

        I am trying to call in the troops from other parts of the country. HAHA. Dear lord I need this to pass quickly. I can’t function at work.

    • I just spent 5 days active on Bumble last week and I was approached for gardening at least 15 times. I bet you’ll be reporting back to us on Monday that your dry spell is over!

  16. Need Cozy Officewear :

    I am freezing in my office and workshop area. I work in a casual-business casual environment, and I’m often turning to my light down jacket or, worse, an oversized fleece for warmth. My office is ~67-68 when I arrive in the morning, for example, and the people who do manual labor in the workshop often keep the door open in 50-degree weather. (OK, I will have to keep wearing a coat for that).

    What do you ladies wear to keep warm on top? How cozy can you get while still being in the general spectrum of business casual, or even the more casual end of that? (Casual example – no one has mentioned the fleece, even though I’ve worn it for the last few weeks, but I feel super frumpy).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I love a jersy-ish blazer (the fact that it’s stretchy makes it more casual) and a big light weight scarf.

    • Could vests work? I have a few in/outdoor vests that keep my core warm in weird office temps, but they don’t look like utilitarian outerwear (see, eg a chocolate brown leather moto vest during colder months). Obviously, you’d need to layer, but maybe?

      I also see a lot of suggestions here for the UNIQLO base layers worn as long underwear. I’ve yet to try it, but I bet something like that under a LS top/light sweater would work.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Costco has some great base layers that I wore A LOT this winter- their V-neck long sleeve tee below a button up half-buttoned shirt with a vest or blazer, or a crew neck below a blazer or cardigan with a necklace. I have two thick sweaters from Nordstrom Rack (Sweet Romeo’s open stitch sweater, $11.60 right now). I also liked turtlenecks and scarves. I felt less hypothermic when my neck was warm. I have a Free People pashmina in my office that is unabashedly wrapped around my shoulders and arms (and sometimes hands) when it’s cold. Fleece tights or leggings below EVERYTHING, including pants. And a constant rotation of hot beverages or even a mug of hot, hot water that you reheat when it gets cold.

    • cat socks :

      I sit on a heating pad and will sometimes use a blanket on my legs. Cap Hill Style had a post recently about staying warm in a cold office with some recs cozy sweaters.

    • This looks warmer but nicer looking than your typical sporty fleece jacket:
      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/caslon-knit-drape-front-jacket-regular-petite/4465374?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK

      Also this:
      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/caslon-stella-knit-jacket-regular-petite/4504547?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=RED%20JELLY

    • Anonymous :

      I wear a shapewear tank top – they’re really warm. Also, a merino wool or cashmere sweater or cardigan.

    • Ok I like to be fancy but I wear a wrap. A pashmina type thing. I also drink hot tea if I’m super cold but the wrap usually does it. I have lots of these things so I just keep a couple at work.

    • I sip hot tea all day when my office gets cold. That and a wool wrap around my shoulders.

    • This is sort of specific but I bought the Athleta studio wrap for this and love it. I am going to buy another to have at home.

    • Bobeau fleece one button wrap. Comes in multiple colors and patterns. Warm and cozy.

    • Cashmere ruana! Like Brooks Brothers–and it covers thighs when sitting.

  17. I know there are a few on this board who have IBD. I recall someone saying that they have found great success with dietary changes, and I would love to learn more. My son was diagnosed with Crohn’s in the fall and is doing great with medication, but I would love any resources or recommendations from those who have been through this.

    • Anonymous :

      Sorry to hear about your son. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in college and it was rough, but I’ve managed very well on (oral) medication with the occasional suppository during a flare. For diet, I think it will have to be trial and error for him. I found that my gut is happier when I avoid greasy or sugary/processed foods, and popcorn is an absolute no no. Too many fruits/veggies (especially fiber rich veggies like broccoli) can sometimes cause discomfort as well. Did his doctor give you a primer on low residue diet (e.g. http://www.webmd.com/ibd-crohns-disease/low-residue-diet-foods#1)? I also recommend the book Breaking the Vicious Cycle, which my mom got for me when I was diagnosed – it has some good ideas. My worst symptom is actually gas pain, and I find that peppermint oil capsules help more than anything OTC like GasX. I hope your son continues to do great with medication!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      That may have been me. I have Crohns. I finally went into remission when I went 100% gluten and dairy free. I also figured out that I’m allergic to avocados, among other things. Three of my hospital visits were within 24 hours of avocado consumption. I had blamed the Crohns or other things I had eaten with the avocado. (Bad mexican food, bad sushi, bad airport sandwich). I also get very sick if I eat deli meat that has been sitting out for awhile. It’s just enough bacteria that healthy people fight it off but I don’t. I eat deli meat but never from a Subway at a rest area in northern vermont that gets 10 customers per day for example. (That’s a real example of a lesson learned.) I’m happy to talk more. There is also a group of us that met on here that email when we are having issues. You can email me at projectmundaneart at gmail and I’ll get you on the list.

      Also, for anyone else with IBD reading that has not seen success with diet, I know it doesn’t work for everyone and I by no means sell it as a cure. I know others with IBD that would strangle the next person that suggested gluten free. For me though, it was like a light switch and it made me wonder if my negative Celiac test had been wrong and if that’s what I had all along.

      • I love fries :

        You should be re-tested. It would be useful information for your doctor to know.,,

        • celiac tests are not 100% and inaccurate if you have been avoiding gluten

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          I thought so too my doc basically said if the diet works, that’s reason enough to do it and he didn’t seem to find it super important to know if it was actually Celiac or not. I also wasn’t very keen on the idea of eating it again and getting super sick again just to be tested. There are some genetic tests that don’t require eating it. It can rule out Celiac but can’t positively confirm it. My doc didn’t seem to think it was worth the money. If I didn’t have Crohns I think they would care more. Many of the precautions docs take with Celiac patients (intestinal cancer concerns for example) are concerns they already have for Crohns patients.

          • Anonymous :

            I am one of those folks who has a positive blood test for celiac but didn’t get the biopsy, as I quit gluten right after I had the blood test (the wait to get the biopsy was three months and I was so sick I almost couldn’t work as it was; I didn’t want to wait any longer), and did so much better off of gluten that I can’t imagine going back to eating it, even small amounts, for the 6-8 weeks I would have to for the biopsy to be accurate. Before I quit gluten I also had the herpetiformis rash on my inner elbow, which went away a few weeks after I stopped gluten (after no other treatment had helped – I’d had the rash for years). Two doctors – my GP and my gastroenterologist – said they felt that was conclusive enough to advise me to stay off gluten for the rest of my life. My GP’s main concern was about my son, who may have celiac if I have it, but he’s never had symptoms. I may have celiac or I may not – I don’t tell people that I do – but I can tell you that both by how I feel and my health metrics I have gotten so much healthier off gluten that I can’t imagine ever eating it again. At one point, my gastro was going to refer me to a rheumatologist because I was having such severe joint pain in my shoulders and hips that he thought I had rheumatoid arthritis – I didn’t; that went away when I quit gluten. I know there’s a lot of skepticism around the idea of people who don’t have celiac quitting gluten, and that’s fine. I couldn’t care less what others think. I know what works for me, and my body, and gluten doesn’t work for me. And I went through two years of some really awful testing (two endoscopies, a colonoscopy, and a barium swallow) and a medically-supervised elimination diet where I drank the grown-up version of Nutrimagen allergy-free formula for two weeks to figure that out. I’m pretty good with my choice.

          • Anonymous :

            Sorry, this wasn’t meant as a reply to Blonde Lawyer but to the comments above hers!

  18. TO Junior :

    Just some good news to share, as I’ve posted here before about my job search: this week, I received an offer from a great firm! I’m really excited about the role, and both the work and the people I’ll be working with at the firm feel like a way better fit for me than any other the other firms I’ve been interested in.

    Thank you so much to everyone who provided support and encouraged me to keep going. I know that we’re all internet strangers here, but the kindness of the community has meant a lot to me in the few times I’ve posted.

  19. Cookbooks :

    Haircut update! I went and saw my stylist and she was more than happy to fix things by adding in layers. She was like, “I’m glad you came back! And don’t feel bad–I told you to come back if you thought you needed it.” Once she started, she agreed that layers were badly needed. Best of all, she did it free of charge–at her insistence; I was ready to pay.

    But thanks to the ladies in the earlier post for the push! I didn’t want to make her feel bad, but it turns out we’re both much happier with the fix.

    • Anomnibus :

      Generally, stylists are happy to fix things for free, it wouldn’t be right to charge you for their mistakes, or errors in judgment. Now, if you had refused layers and she insisted, you may have needed to eat the cost as well as your words, but that’s not what happened.

      • Cookbooks :

        I’ve never had a hair cut fixed, so I wasn’t sure what to expect payment-wise.

        How goes your apartment hunt?

  20. Going to a spa next weekend where I have booked a facial, massage and pedicure. Total cost for this package (plus lunch) is $265. Each service will be provided by a different person…so how much should I tip each person? Should I just look up what each individual service would cost and go from there & do 25% or so?

    • In these situations, I tip 20% on the whole and ask whoever is taking payment to divide it up with 20% for each service. Ive never had a problem with this approach.

  21. SE DC Mom :

    Suggestions for bi-weekly house cleaners in the DC/NOVA area? 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom townhouse. Thanks!!!

    • In my experience in this area, this is hyper local — I would post on a neighborhood board. Good luck!

  22. On the subject of Bumble: I get, like, no matches on that app. Maybe a few here and there. I don’t mean guys don’t respond to my initial messages, I mean they don’t swipe right at all.

    In the past, I’ve gotten lots of matches (although not necessarily good ones) on Tinder and OkCupid, and a few years ago, on eHarmony. I did not have good luck with Match. Friends have looked at my profile/photos and think they’re okay. I am not sure I would allow them to re-write it if they offered.

    It’s possible my “standards” are too high, but for purposes of this question, let’s assume they’re reasonable.

    I will say I don’t think I have the right personality for online dating. I’m not in a big city, although I’m less than 50 miles from one. Most of the guys I see on Bumble are located in that big city.

    So, what gives? I’m too old (33)? My profile is unappealing? My location? I’m aiming “too high”? I don’t find myself eager to go back to online dating (again), but I also really have no idea how else I might meet someone.

    • 50 miles would’ve been way outside of the acceptable geographical range for me when I was online dating, FWIW. Thought it’s weird that that only seems to be a problem on Bumble.

      • Right? The fact that I’m unpopular on Bumble, specifically, bothers me. It could be that Bumble is not popular in my exact location – the guys I’ve met from other apps have been geographically closer. (Also, Big City is less than 50 miles, but I’m trying to be a little vague).

    • I would guess that the issue is that Bumble isn’t popular in your area for whatever reason. So has nothing to do with you, but if only five guys see your profile, you are unlikely to get matches. Try the other apps, like tinder, again and see what happens. Based on talking to friend all over the country, the guys on each appp vary widely area by area.

    • Anonymous :

      Are you waiting for matches on OKC? You can search through everyone – go out there, find your top people, and start messaging them. It’s better if you’re proactive.

    • Speaking of dating apps being different in different places… I just moved to Philly and I’m single. What do people use most here? What’s best for finding interesting/intelligent guys for actual dating (as opposed to hook-ups)?

      • Soooo, the big city I was referring to is Philly. I’m less than 50 miles away, but not in an immediate suburb. Two of my guy friends in my town both met great girls in Philly using Bumble, so I figured it’s where the normal people are hanging out… but I think this thread convinced me that guys in Philly may not be seeing my profile because they could have set their distance settings at 10 miles or something and never seen my profile. Or I’m super not date-able. Who knows! ;)

        • FWIW, I think it’s the distance. I just checked my bumble and my geographical limit is set to 15 km, which is less than 10 miles. I really don’t think you’re un-dateable! Have you tried using bumble when you’re in Philly?

        • Absolutely the distance. Change your parameters to be closer so you’re not sifting through tons of guys who are never going to swipe right on you because you are too far away.

        • When you get to 50 miles, you’re not really even in a Philly suburb at that point – maybe that is why people aren’t matching. People would assume you’re in another smaller city. FWIW though, I am from Philly and I met my husband on okcupid.

      • Soooo, the big city I was referring to is Philly. I’m less than 50 miles away, but not in an immediate suburb. Two of my guy friends in my town both met great girls in Philly using Bumble, so I figured it’s where the normal people are hanging out… but I think this thread convinced me that guys in Philly may not be seeing my profile because they could have set their distance settings at 10 miles or something and never seen my profile. Or I’m super not date-able. Who knows! ;)

        • I’m right outside Philly too! (Work in the city, live ~15 miles outside). I’ve had a ton of success on Tinder and exactly zero on bumble – same pics, same profile. I just don’t think it’s as popular here for some reason.

  23. Fast or Slow :

    I’m wondering- with a little trepidation- if the hive could offer their opinions on my current relationship. I’ve known the guy for a bit over 6 months and we’ve been dating for about the last month of that time. I feel great about the relationship, but when I take a step back (or talk about him with friends) it seems like we’re moving pretty fast in terms of gardening, how much we see each other, etc. We’ve talked about this and we both agree that it seems fast but we’re happy with how things are going. I think society has skewed my perception, because part of me thinks I should be nervous about things going too quickly, and the rest of me says those rules are stupid and outdated and I do whatever I want. He’d be fine slowing things down if I wanted, and vice-versa, I’m just not sure if I actually want to slow things down or if I just think I should be slowing down. Thoughts?

    • Go with your gut — the speed a relationship should move is entirely idiosyncratic to that relationship IMHO.

      • Fast or Slow :

        Unfortunately, my gut has a pretty bad track record with this stuff.

        • Iono, you didn’t give much detail, you just said you’re happy but you feel like society is telling you you shouldn’t be. Eff society, says I.

          If there’s some other reason you want to slow down, that’s a different question.

        • Anonymous :

          Then just make sure that you try to keep your eyes open to potential red flags, and don’t move in or get married too fast. Otherwise why put brakes on it if both of you enjoy it?

    • Well, if you don’t think you can rely on your gut, one way to try to figure it out would be to slow it down for a little bit – maybe see each other slightly less, or stop having sleepovers, or whatever it is that makes you question yourself, and see how you feel then. If you feel like you’re just being artificially slow for the sake of Society, or whatever, then go back to whatever you were doing.

      Also, since you knew each other for 6 months before you started dating, I think you’re in a different situation re: pacing than people who met on a dating app.

    • I think the fact that you’ve already known him for months makes it a) easier to go faster, b) safer because you know this person’s character and already have a head start in understanding your comparability. Definitely different than someone you just met 1 or 2 months ago. Don’t borrow worry.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I did half of a master’s program in marriage and family therapy a few years back, and the one tidbit that has stuck with me all this time is this: If you meet somebody and you immediately feel super comfortable and like you’ve known him or her forever, it’s likely because that person reminds your subconscious of somebody in your past. That may be a good thing (New Guy is just like your dad, who adored you and treated you like a queen and taught you to have high standards) or it might be a disastrous thing (New Guy is just like your mom, who told you you were too fat and too loud and too everything and that everything bad in life was your fault).

      So… does this ring true for you? Who does your New Guy remind you of? Is it somebody positive in your life? If so, then full speed ahead! Or might it be somebody not so positive, in which case you might want to tap the brakes.

      • This explains why you are always so wise in your advice.

      • Wildkitten :

        Interesting! I listened to a podcast once that said if you were raised in a family where mom and dad loved each other and you and you had family dinner every night at 6pm together, etc., go ahead and elope with a stranger in Vegas, but if you had some issues, take more time. That resonated with me, but this is a more official explanation of why!

        • Maybe this is why dh & I work so well! Both of our parents came from happy marriages and we were married less than a year from meeting (1 month dating, 4 month engagement). We celebrate 23 years of marriage later this summer. Oh, and we were both super young (19 & 20). We like to say we’re the exception that proves the rule that you shouldn’t get married young. I guess we can blame our parents? :P

    • Carolyn Hax once gave some advice that I found really helpful for relationships. She said to imagine the person as a room.

      It sounds bizarre, but it made me realize that the guy I was with at the time would be a room where the furniture looks soft, but isn’t comfortable. Basically he seemed great but I couldn’t rely on him. I broke up with him later (stuck with it for longer than I should have). As someone who often questions her gut and opinions, this was a way to get to the truth of my feelings about someone else.

    • Anonymous :

      I gardened with my husband on the second date and basically moved into his house the next day (not officially, but from the second date on we pretty much only spent the night apart if one of us was out of town for work), so I don’t think you’re necessarily moving too fast. I’m a big believer in knowing immediately that it’s right. I would caution you not to get married or buy property together ASAP as those are more complicated things to get out of if it goes south. Enjoy! It sounds great.

    • You’ve known him for six months. How is this possibly too fast?

    • I married my husband 6 months after we met. Call it fast, it was, but when things are right go with it.

  24. Not sure if anyone will see this but really need help. I’m suffering from serious burnout at work + personal life stress which may all be magnified by a bad reaction to hormonal medication that is throwing off my moods. It’s getting realllllly bad. I’m barely sleeping (partially from work keeping me up late and even when I’m not working late I’m in too much distress to sleep). I’ve always been a happy person and I can feel myself slipping into a depression and I’m terrified. I don’t recognize myself anymore and I need to make an effort to get better before it gets worse or my thoughts get darker…

    I talked to my therapist today and I’m in such a bad place today she asked if it would be possible if I could leave work early. Unfortunately not. But I planned to make tomorrow all about me. Escape from my city for the day (I haven’t taken a vacation in almost a year…) and just see some local sites.

    My manager has just told me to be available to work tomorrow and I tried to pushback but he said it had to be done tomorrow. I understand that is the nature of my job but I’m so worried about my mental health and I desperately needed this day. Any advice? I’m drowning.

    • Meant to post this as a follow-up to my post:

      I should add I’ll also need to be available Sunday which means this weekend is out.

      I could probably squeeze in some me time at home. But I really need a true escape at this point. I think being home won’t really help my mental health.

    • I just want to say that I’m here and someone saw this. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. Does being available to work mean you have to go into the office? Maybe you could wake up early and get a pedicure or something to treat yourself before going in? Just remember that today is not forever — things are constantly changing and whatever you’re going through now will inevitably pass or look a whole lot different as time passes. Good luck — hugs.

    • I don’t know the nature of your work, but it sounds like this is a critical situation. This is when you call in sick/use personal time. Lie, if you have to (don’t recommend but it might be the only option in some environments). You can’t be available, you have an ill relative. You’re sorry it’s short notice but you just got the call and have to hop on a plane/train and you’ll check in if possible (it isn’t).

      Not knowing the severity of your personal situation or the pulls of your job– I really would encourage a full pushback here. Your life/wellbeing is not worth a deliverable. If not being available for work this weekend will truly result in you being fired (i doubt it), then it’s worth weighing your options a bit more seriously.

      • Anonymous :

        I second this. Your mom/dad (any relative who is geographically removed) was in a car accident and needs help for a week. USE them, they will understand and support you. And use that time to look for a job that respects boundaries, and work-life balance.

    • Tell him you made a Saturday doctor’s appointment that you just can’t move b/c the next available appointment is too far in the future (very close to the truth) then just don’t look at your phone and take the time you need.

    • Sending hugs. In a similar situation, I sought out a naturopathic doctor who helped me handle the stress better by addressing sleep issues, energy levels, vitamin deficiencies, stomach problems, and more. She was able to support me with some immediate relief and also work on longer term goals like reducing inflammation levels. Your experience may be different than mine, but it was groundbreaking for me to finally find a doctor that listened to me, esp. at such a low point where it felt like my whole body was failing me.

      Definitely not a replacement for your therapist, but I found the holistic approach really helpful.

      It’s been 8 months since I sought help and I have seen a vast improvement in how I feel physically and emotionally, even though I’m still in the same crazy stressful job.

      Take care of yourself, even if it requires some tough decisions. No one else is going to make your health the top priority. Good luck!

    • Anon for this :

      I had a coworker get a concussion during a sports game and she needed to go on “brain rest” for a week to recover. No tv, no phone, no email. Could you tell your boss that you sustained a head injury and to prevent it from getting worse you have to go on total mental rest for x number of days? It’s not really a lie. Mental health is in your head and you are currently “injured” in that department.

      • I would really hesitate to use this as the reason. You wouldn’t want your bosses later thinking that you have neurological or cognitive issues that could affect your work. I think there’s a big difference between taking a personal day or two and claiming you have a head injury or concussion.

        • Anonymous :

          +1. Lying is never good and specific lies are worse than vague lies. Just say you’re not healthy or need a personal day, don’t make up a specific injury you don’t have.

  25. I should add I’ll also need to be available Sunday which means this weekend is out.

    I could probably squeeze in some me time at home. But I really need a true escape at this point. I think being home won’t really help my mental health.

  26. First, thank you to everybody about tips for eye twitches. I think more sleep was the key, and knowing what the anxiety/stress triggers are.

    Second, exercise. I’m in a small town, so not a lot of options. I’m curious what your favorites are at home? I haven’t made this a priority and I think it will help with the stress at work. Favorite videos, websites- I’m not sure where to start. I think yoga mixed with something more cardio would be good.

  27. Dear Summer Interns :

    Dear Interns,

    If you have a tattoo on a part of your body ordinarily covered by clothing, your clothing should not be so sheer that I can see it. Similarly, I should not be able to describe the pattern on the (definitely not white) underwear you are wearing under your white pants. Finally, a camisole is not an appropriate top for a workplace and your bra is not a fashion accessory.

    Thank you,

    The Person Who Will be Told to “Have a Word with Them” if This Goes On.

    • Wildkitten :

      Do you not have a dress code that gets sent to interns? Cap Hill Style had some good ones back in the day.

    • Anonymous :

      Already been there this summer. Not in law, but had to counsel an intern who showed up in a clingy, nearly-sheer white skirt with a red thong on underneath, clearly visible. With a red spaghetti-strap tank top, no bra. Her poor manager could barely explain to me what the issue was and finally just said “go see for yourself.” Intern asked me if it was okay for her to change into her workout clothes – running tights and a sports bra – because those were the only other clothes she had with her. Um, no. I advised her she could either go home and change or run to the Target close to our office and buy some work-appropriate clothes to change into. She at least didn’t get indignant about it.

      The other problem we’ve run into is more than one male intern wearing shorts and open-toe man-sandals to work, in an environment where they can be called into a lab or into a shop floor environment as part of their learning. This was all clearly spelled out both in their paperwork and their orientation – no shorts; no open-toe shoes. Sigh.

      • Wildkitten :

        Kids don’t know how to dress for work. It’s our job as adults to teach them. I was raised by a blue collar single mom and there’s no way I would know what to wear to white collar work without instruction.

        • Even as another kid raised by a blue-collar single mom? I knew enough not to wear a skirt that would let my underwear and butt cheeks show. That isn’t a problem of “doesn’t know” so much as it is “doesn’t own a full-length mirror, or at least doesn’t check it before leaving for work.”

          • Wildkitten :

            Really. I definitely didn’t own a full length mirrior when I was an intern, and didn’t know to check my outfits before leaving for work.

  28. Travelmom :

    Moms site is quiet this weekend. Any suggestions on how to handle sleep during travel with a 2 yr old going to the west coast from the Midwest so we will have a 2 hour time difference. We will be there for about 5 days. Do I put him down for naps and bedtime at his usual Midwest time and try to move closer to pacific time each day or just start at putting him down on pacific time? TIA

    • Another BigLaw Parent :

      For only 5 days, I’d keep him on midwest time. We do this the opposite direction — when traveling from west coast to midwest or east coast, we stay on west coast time (which allows us to bring kiddo out to dinner before she crashes.) It may mean that you have to be a bit more creative with meal times for adults, but it’s worth not dealing with the jet lag. In only 5 days, by the time you move him closer to west coast time it will be time to shift back to midwest time.

    • I’ve only done this with one kid, but she’s a reasonably good sleeper (other than waking up early) and usually is q

      If going west we try to get there when it’s still light out, let her get some sun exposure and put her to bed based on the new time zone. It’s worked for us for a few 2/3 hr time difference trips where we couldn’t have kept her on our time.

      When we went to Europe which was 6 hrs ahead we ended up only adjusting her sleep by about 3 hours, which was perfect for a late nap then a later dinner.

      Caveat – wouldn’t do this with a finicky sleeper or one who was very sensitive to schedule changes. And IME, exposure to natural light was important.

  29. Sloan Sabbith :

    Had a very nice first date and I’m trying SO HARD not to get all anxious about it. It was a good first date, I like him. Trying to remind myself to just leave it there and not over think and stop googling “Should I text him?” “How soon to text guy” “First date hints,” etc. But god he was cute.

    • Good luck! I know, it’s hard and the game playing can get tiresome. I hope it works out for you.

  30. MM LaFleur SF Popup :

    Reporting in. Went to my second MM LaFleur popup shopping trip in San Francisco. I bought about 5 items last year and another 3 this time. Got the Narie dress, Greenpoint skirt and Didion top this time. I love their clothes. They are work appropriate, stylish without being trendy, and comfortable. A one hour appointment is a very efficient; I probably tried on at least 12 or 15 items.

  31. Hi to the Hive! I just got back from Ellenville, NY — Dad says they could have named it after me — he was kidding. It is a cute place in the middle of the Mountain’s upstate. He showed me where his parent’s took him when he was a kid. Not anything fancy, just like an old summer camp! He said that the first time he had s-x was in one of those cabins with a girl who was 5 years older then he was — and he was onley 13! He did NOT recomend that women do this to young men b/c he was very impresionable, and that is why he kept sampeling women both in the USA and Over seas ever since then. Mom got mad, b/c he did NOT have s-x since he was MARRIED years ago. YAY!!!

  32. Sounds wonderful. Definitely not a time for playing hard to get :) Maybe a quick text to thank him for the date and that you enjoyed yourself after a day or so.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I sent a quick message last night letting him know I was watching Moana, which we talked about but I hadn’t seen. Buuuuut, no message. So. I’m going to take a walk with my adorable puppy, look awesome, and keep swiping. And it’s only been 24 hours soooooooo not giving up ALL hope, just 99.99%.

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