Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

You know, a few years ago when I got my Pucci sunglasses, I said to myself, that’s IT, I will never need another pair of sunglasses because I love this pair so very, very much. And I still love them — but they haven’t quite been the category killer I thought they would be, because I’m still buying sunglasses.  In general I’m not one of those people who spends $100s on sunglasses, although many people certainly do. Instead, I’ve been eyeing the brand Quay for affordable, fun, on-trend sunglasses — everything just seems really cool. I’m currently crushing on these  round sunglasses with cutout metal frames; they are, as Tim Gunn would say, “a lot of look,” but if the rest of your wardrobe tends to be pretty low key, sunglasses are a great place to make an impact. These are $60 at Nordstrom; ShopBop and Amazon also carries the brand. (If even that is too rich for your blood, I got these slightly wacky $10 sunglasses at Amazon a while ago on a total whim and keep getting compliments!) Pictured: Fleur 49mm Round Sunglasses

Psst: Did you know the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale of 2017 is coming soon? Check out our guide if you’re new to the wonder that is the NAS. 

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Comments

  1. Did anyone else suffer from dry mouth during pregnancy? It is absolutely killing me! I can’t sleep because I am so thirsty and then have to drink so much water and then have to get up to go to the bathroom. I calculated it yesterday, and in 24 hours, I drank 335 ounces of water!!! Does anyone have any solutions? I can barely funciton over here.

    • Anonymous :

      Yep I’m 8 weeks now and have a very dry mouth. But if I did the math correctly you’re drinking more than 40 8 ounce glasses per day!?! That’s insane and probably isn’t healthy. There is such a thing as too much water intake. I sip water constantly (but never chug it) and I’ve been drinking about 10 glasses per day, which is what doctors recommend for pregnant women. I get up once per night to pee but it’s not constantly waking me up.

      • Ugh, it’s so difficult. If I don’t drink it, then the thirst keeps me up all night. If I do drink it, then I just have this constant walk from my bed to the kitchen to the bathroom. I. Don’t. Know. What. To. Do. And yes, I was shocked when I kept a tally and saw how much I was drinking. And yes, I’m basically chugging water all day.

    • Vicarious rug shopping? :

      Not dry mouth, but I’m always thirsty too. Not to freak you out, but extreme thirst can be a symptom of gestational diabetes, so might want to mention it to your OB next time around. (In any case, in the realm of pregnancy things to freak out about, GD is not terrible and very manageable.)

      • Anon in NYC :

        Yeah. I’d be concerned about drinking that much water too.

      • Gestational diabetes popped into my mind, too.

        If you have it, it’s okay! It’s completely manageable! Your doctor will advise you to follow a diabetic diet (think low-carb, sugar-free that’s all the rage right now anyway) for the rest of your pregnancy. Like my friend joked, just lots of meat and cheese. :) You can try to follow a diabetic diet on your own and see if you see an improvement after a week or two.

        Gestational diabetes hit several of my thin, active, healthy friends during their pregnancies and they are all back to their pre-baby thin, active, healthy, non-diabetic selves a decade later. They weren’t lazy, or eating all the terrible things, or brought it on themselves in any way. It just happened, and at the end of their pregnancy, it went away.

    • Anonymous :

      Be very careful. That is dangerous. You MUST drink non-water drinks too … juice/sports drinks/milk etc… You can cause yourself to be very ill quickly by drinking that much water.

      Call your doctor. Yes, there are things that can be done for dry mouth. Go to the drugstore now and get Biotene products and see your doctor.

      I would also go right away to get a blood sugar check, in case you have developed gestational diabetes.

      • Was about to recommend Biotene. It’s really great.

        But also agree that GD could be a thing, or maybe you are sleeping with your mouth open–definitely worth a check in with the doc!

        • If you are sleeping with your mouth open, it may help to use a humidifier.

        • Anonymous :

          Second the Biotene. It’s available at drugstores and even larger grocery stores. I also relied on sugar-free hard candies.

  2. Vicarious rug shopping? :

    Another day, another vicarious interior design shopping request. Anyone who wants to spend some of their Friday afternoon internet shopping want to help me find a perfect rug? It’s for my living room, which is small, and it will not cover much of the floor — so only 4×6′-ish. My walls in the surrounding areas are pale yellow and pale green (with a little blue). The couches are greyish/bluish/greenish kind of micro-fiber. Floors are standard-issue light colored oak. I’m thinking of something green — not too warm or too cold. I like oriental, but am open to something more modern. Wool, because I prefer decent quality and no weird chemicals. Since we are doing our grown-up decorating (slowly but surely), I have a decent budget. I’d rather limit it to $1k but could be talked up if I found a perfect, beautiful rug. Any personal shopping takers??

    • Senior Attorney :

      I’ve had great luck with rugs at Home Goods. If you have one nearby just go take a look and see what they have.

    • This one is awesome in person

      https://www.lowes.com/pd/allen-roth-Lendale-Multicolor-Normal-Rectangular-Indoor-Handcrafted-Area-Rug-Common-5-x-8-Actual-5-ft-W-x-8-ft-L/50414768

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve ordered two rugs, and based on my recommendation my good friends ordered two rugs, from rugsusa dot com. It seems like a scam but it’s one of the best online shopping experience I’ve ever had. My current rug is soft, beautiful, was incredibly inexpensive, and arrived in like 2 days. Strong recommendation.

    • Check out Dash and Albert. Great price point and quality. You can sort by color, etc. on their website.

    • If it’s for the living room, I assume it is going where the furniture is (sofa, coffee table, etc.) in which case, I would kindly recommend you do a rug larger than 4×6. Ideally speaking, all of your furniture sits within the rug. It will make your space look bigger and more cohesive/intentional, which I assume is the intent if you are spending grown-up funds on it. You hit the nail on the head re quality – wool will last you better especially in an area with high tread (or else it will mat and pill).

      • Vicarious rug shopping? :

        Hmm, thanks for the thoughts. I had the same thought initially, but we borrowed a 4×6 rug from my parents’ house and it seems to look right somehow. Maybe I can find a bigger rug to borrow to compare :)

        • Check out any designer blog and take note of the rug situation. You probably haven’t noticed, but the rug usually has the biggest footprint in the room unless it is a smaller rug layered on top of a larger one, or, the Old Money look of many small oriental rugs creating a visual footprint of a larger floor covering.

          • Vicarious rug shopping? :

            I will spend some more time looking at design blogs, but this is the first thing I clicked on — and the “small living room” layout is sort of what I have in mind, with the rug at the center.

            https://www.onekingslane.com/live-love-home/rug-guide-how-to-choose-the-right-size-rug/

          • Anonymous :

            This is a good guide: http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/how-do-i-figure-out-what-size-rug-to-buy-236044

    • Anonymous :

      A little bigger than you requested, but what about this?

      https://www.rebeccaandgenevieve.com/shop/51-x-84

      • Vicarious rug shopping? :

        Ooh, that is very pretty. Unfortunately probably too big — we have a pretty small living room, part of which is also the passage from the front door to the rest of the house. But we’ll see — maybe nutella has a point, and I should try to imagine a bigger rug…

        • Anonymous :

          Understand! You know your space!

          Saw this one too. Closer to the right size, but don’t know how you feel about the blue/green as accents instead of being more prominent.

          https://www.rugandweave.com/collections/rugs/products/vintage-lilihan-sarouk-33-x-95

    • Check out overstock. I like to type in google or overstoc search bar “color color Persian” and see what pops up. I prefer classic designs because they are timeless and the intricate patterns hide dirt and stains. There’s a reason people have used Persian rugs for centuries!

      • Here’s one

        https://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Heritage-Faded-Persian-Blue-Beige-Rug-67-X-96/9756464/product.html

      • Here’s a more green rug, and now I want this one

        https://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Nourison-3000-Hand-tufted-Green-Rug-39-x-59/7233004/product.html

      • I should also mention that the traditional red-based Persian rugs seem to be true neutrals and go with everything. We moved a red Persian rug out of a room for a while and my teenage daughter nabbed it for her room. Her room is light pastels (blue, green, yellow) and she has this red, blue, orange Persian rug in there and it looks great somehow. Every time she has friends over I find them all sitting or laying on the rug.

  3. I just moved to a new city and have to find a whole set of new doctors. It’s far enough away that my previous doctors couldn’t provide any solid recommendations, and I’m not really comfortable enough with anyone at work yet to ask questions like “do you like your gynecologist?” I need an ob/gyn, a GP, a dentist, and an optometrist (obviously not all immediately, the ob/gyn and optometrist are the most pressing). How would you go about finding a new doctor when you don’t really know anyone in your area to ask?

    • Anonymous :

      Post your city here – you never know who can help. Also – I swear by zocdoc – though I know they’re not in every market; reviews turn out to be pretty accurate on that site prob bc the providers listed have a LOT of reviews so you get a very clear picture of what that provider is like and whether you’d like them or not.

    • Anonymous :

      I do a mix. I ask people for referrals to a good dentist, because that’s the one where I care about my practitioner the most and I feel like dentist isn’t too intimate a thing to ask about. I would also ask about optometrist if I cared, but I don’t, so I just go to the one closest to work because it’s very convenient. I would not be comfortable asking colleagues about an OBGYN, so I usually just find one online that is a) female, b) has good educational credentials and c) is accepting my insurance and new patients. If I didn’t like her I would try someone else, but I was lucky this most recent time and got one I absolutely love via that method. I don’t have a GP, but if I needed one I would ask my OB for a referral.

      • Get a female OBGYN. When I came to NYC I went to a male DR. And after examining me he asked me out. I was mortified that he had already seen all of me before our first date.

    • I’ve had good experiences with zocdoc. But I’d also ask around – are you working? This is something that I’ve asked coworkers about since we all have the same insurance.

    • I’m in the Atlanta area. Reverse commute from Decatur area to Marietta (I know, this is a weird situation), so I’m open to practices anywhere in, around, or between these places.

      • Anonymous :

        It’s too intimate to ask someone a out their gyn – but you can certainly ask around for dentists and eye doctors and maybe a PCP depending on how outgoing you are. Or find a PCP via zocdoc and ask them for a few gyn recs.

        • Maybe my office is odd or I’m lacking in boundaries, but I would not look askance if a colleague who had just moved to town asked me that question, nor would I hesitate to ask a colleague at my level in my organization that question.
          Of course I wouldn’t ask for the details of anyone’s medical history in any area, but I think saying, “I’m new to town and looking for doctors, dentists, [or hair stylists, housekeepers, fill in whatever kind of personal service one might need] and wondering if you see anyone you like.” That way, you’ve left the door open for someone to give a gyn recommendation if the person has one. And in fact, that is precisely how I found the gyn provider I see.

        • I in fact just emailed co-workers last week to ask for gyn recommendations.

      • For gyn (not OB) care, I see Cherise James at Intown Midwifery. My GP is Laura Gandy at Emory Midtown (Laureate Medical Group). I really like and trust both of these women and very much appreciate the way they practice. They listen, they spend time with me at appointments, they ask me thoughtful questions about my physical, mental, and emotional health. I can’t say enough good things.
        I see Mark Hastings in Decatur for dental. He’s fine. I don’t have anything especially great to say, but I have a (thankfully) uncomplicated dental situation and so I fortunately haven’t had to spend much time around him.
        I do have complicated vision issues, so I don’t see an optometrist, but I have seen virtually all of the ophthalmologists at Eye Associates of Atlanta in the Cumberland location, and they were fantastic. They have an optometrist onsite, though, who I’m sure would be good.

      • Atlanta Anon :

        For Optometrist: Michael Bloom at Ross Eyecare Group (he’s fabulous, far better than my prior opthomologist). Located off Sidney Marcus and Piedmont. For OB, I see Dr. Alice Hood at Atlanta Women’s OBGYN. Linked to Piedmont Hospital, so not near Decatur, but I live there and work in Midtown so it’s NBD. Had both my babies with this group. For Dentist, I like Marvin Winter, who is in downtown Decatur. For GP, I see Adam Leaderman, who is also with Laureate Medical, but up in Sandy Springs. LOVE HIM. Not convenient for you (or me) though.

      • Can’t recommend my dentist highly enough– Dr. Ashpole on Clairmont. She’s wonderful. Also, finally found a gynecologist I’m sticking with– Dr. Archie Roberts at Peachtree Women’s Specialists. He did my IUD insertion and has been great overall.

      • Also in Academia :

        Fellow Atlantan here. Reverse commutes for the win!

        As for recommendations, does your neighborhood have a NextDoor group? That is where we’ve gotten all of our recommendations lately, and in our neighborhood it is not at all odd to ask for recommendations for anything. A gyno recommendation would be totally appropriate to ask for. Speaking of, OB-GYN of Atlanta did well by me during my last pregnancy. I’ve since switched to a doctor in my way-OTP work town for the convenience of it, but if I worked in Atlanta I would have happily stayed with that practice.

    • This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but recommendations have an inherent bias. ie: how many people have really seen more than a couple gynos and can give the end-all, be-all recommendation? Personally, I have had great luck by googling what is closest to my home or work and reading reviews, both for the practitioner and the facility overall.

      After a few years of driving out of my way for dental and optometry, I realized that I was putting them off due to the hassle of traffic and lack of convenience. I now go to places within a half mile of my home that are just fantastic (just as good or better than the highly-recommended places farther away), and I don’t have a problem getting there regularly.

      I have no medical issues, so that perhaps makes a difference in my more lax attitude towards finding the “perfect doc”. Plus, what’s perfect for one person, even someone you trust, may not be great for you. Make your appointment and if for some reason you don’t like the doctor you see, go elsewhere or ask for a different one next time.

      • Anonymous :

        I agree with C – I rely on reviews more than I do on coworker recommendations, unless that coworker is a friend and I know exactly what they are like – which is very unlikely at a new job. Meaning some people like a dr. that just says – do x, writes them a script and then leaves; others really prioritize doctors who stay on time; others don’t mind waiting 90 min if it means the dr. they are seeing has a great bedside manner, makes them comfortable, is chatty etc. while others would look at you like you were crazy bc they don’t want to waste 90 min and don’t want that kind of hand holding. So recommendations are fine when you are brand new in town and need to see someone asap, but may not end up with the type of dr. that you like long term; online reviews are much better for that bc for the drs. out there with 100+ reviews, reviewers end up painting a pretty accurate picture of what the dr. is like. Of course ppl think I’m crazy for thinking so hard about this but I am very open about the fact that I am a dr. snob.

      • Anonymous :

        Uh, nonresponsive? OP isn’t looking for the perfect doctor. She’s looking for a good doctor that people have experience with. Which is what you get when asking people for their recommendations.

        • I was new to a city a couple years ago and have since found found doctors I really like AND who are convenient for me to make it to regularly (and yes, if asked by a neighbor, would recommend). I shared the method of finding them that worked for me. ymmv.

    • It took me years to find good ones in my city because I used online rating instead of referrals. That said, I have found Yelp and Nextdoor to be helpful. You might start with some online reviews, try some out, and once you’re more settled in, ask some folks. I have always gotten good recommendations for service providers from hair stylists for some reason – OB, gym trainer, etc. Anyone with a bunch of kids will probably not be shy talking about their OB by the way.

  4. Anon for this :

    I just had lunch with some friends and I’m feeling a bit down. Everyone seems so happy and positive about their jobs/lives. I feel like I’m in a funk… I’m single and haven’t met anyone decent in a while, despite my best attempts. And I’m pretty unhappy at my job and have been looking for something new for at least a year, but I’m in a niche practice, so there are very few opportunities and even when I find something that may be a good fit, it ultimately doesn’t work out.

    I guess I just feel stuck and like there’s nothing I can do to change my circumstances. Any suggestions/advice/commiseration?

    • What about throwing yourself into a hobby while continuing your job search? I’m thinking of the post the other day where someone said that committing to a hobby at certain times/days each week really made a difference for them. You may meet people that way, but I’d try to pick something you enjoy (or used to enjoy, or could see yourself enjoying) and do it just for its own satisfaction.

    • Baconpancakes :

      For dealing with feeling like you’re stuck: It’ll be your turn. Life goes up and down. I was where you are a bit ago. Now I’m pretty delighted with where I am. When you remember that life is pretty long, and you’ve got a lot of ups and downs ahead, it becomes less important.

      For changing your circumstances: If you’re already in a niche practice, is there any way to translate that to something slightly less niche? Before you reject an opportunity, try to be open to something different being better. For dating, man dating is hard. You date basically every single guy and they’re all duds – until they aren’t. It’s super frustrating, and then it seems like the easiest thing. But it’s not productive to focus on it – which of course you know.

      The hobbies discussion yesterday might be a good place to start – having a hobby you really enjoy fills a lot of that void of having nothing to look forward to.

      Hugs. I know how you feel.

    • I have a group of friends that regularly gets together for dinner. The conversation is always upbeat and positive. It’s when I have dinner one on one with each of these ladies that I find out what is really happening in their lives, and that is not always positive. One person who is happily married with kids and a good job was relentlessly positive at the group dinner, but confided to me later that her son has mental health issues and her job security is precarious at best.

      No one has a perfect life. And comparing yourself to others when they are putting on their shiny best self … that way lies madness. I’m not saying you shouldn’t work on the issues that are making you unhappy, just that comparing yourself to the projected images of others doesn’t help.

      • super anon :

        +1, see my post below. Group dinners are fun and all, but people tend to get way more real one on one. I have so many friends whose lives look perfect on Instagram but have confided in me about huge fights with their husbands, money troubles, job issues, kid stresses… but you would never know it if you just saw the outside.

    • Anonymous :

      Times in my life I would have given any thing for friends to go to lunch with!

    • super anon :

      Sorry you’re feeling this way. I have so been there. A few thoughts/ideas:

      Were the friends at lunch close friends? How many people were there? Something about a quick lunch amps up the pressure to wrap everything up in a neat and tidy bow. I find that in either larger groups or when the people are more acquaintance level, there is a tendency to put on a bit of a show about how well things are going. That’s not to say that your friends aren’t mostly in a good place, but it could be just slightly artificial. Like one of them might have a family issue or a fertility issue that she’s not comfortable bringing up. But if you were one on one, she might tell you.

      Definitely not trying to diminish their happiness, though. It could be that they really are that happy! But that shouldn’t take away from your ability to be happy or find happiness. There’s always more to go around. So what can you do to make yourself feel better? One idea: all the hobby talk recently is spot on. There are definitely situations in my life that are not the way I’d like them to be, but when I write, draw, or bake something, I always feel better because I enjoy both the process and the end result. I feel control over my tiny corner of the universe. No one can take that away from me. It’s both fun and empowering.

      Plus, there’s a real joy in building your life outside of work and romantic relationships. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to find a better job or a boyfriend, things just haven’t worked out (important note: YET). So in the meantime, while you keep trying on those fronts, invest some time in something that is sure to give me something in return. Like if I play tennis every week, I notice myself improving and that’s satisfying. Or if I volunteer to help plant flowers in a park. Of course planting flowers in a park is not going to change your job or relationship situation, but it may change your perspective, which will make you happier where you are, which will make the time until the right guy/job does come along that much richer and more fulfilling.

      Lastly, I try to be pretty honest with people. Radical honesty seems to inspire others to do the same (conversely, if everyone is putting on a happy face, no one feels comfortable being authentically themselves). I’m not saying you should pour your heart and soul out at a coworker lunch, but I think it’s okay to tell people that you’re not feeling as positive about X because of Y, but you’d love advice, or you feel a bit stuck with X but you’re really excited about Y. It’s okay to show that you’re a real person.

      Hope you feel better soon.

      • I have been like the OP here. If everyone else is super happy or putting on the happy face and you are real, you are then The Downer Friend. This is why I just keep it light and fluffy now and never, ever talk about work. Signed, Still Stuck.

      • I second this OP. The First OP should think positive, like I do. Yes, things could be better, but guess what, they could be worse.

        First, I have a job that works me way to hard, but I do take home a decent pay check.

        Second, I do not have a boyfreind, but on the other hand, I do not have to replace my Egyptian Cotton sheets every month b/c said ex-boyfreind always soiled them beyond recogntion.

        Third, I currently live in a 2BR apartement that does not have a balcony and does NOT have a guest room b/c Dad makes me use it as a deductiable office, but on the other hand, he IS buying me a 3BR 3Bath apartement with a balcony that WILL have a guest room, and an office.

        Fourth, I do NOT have everything I want, but I DO have everything I need.

        Fifth, I do not have the svelte body I desire, but on the other hand, there are plenty of men that continue to oooogle me in NYC, includeing the judge which I have mabye 90% of my cases in front of!!!!

        So if you always look at the sunny side of things, it will really turn out OK in the end. YAY!!!!!

    • Anonymous :

      I’m feeling similarly, and my short-term plan is to keep this entire weekend open and use it to get my home life together. I’m going to deep-clean my apartment, do some much needed grocery shopping and several loads of laundry, catch up on ironing, and organize my paperwork files. I hope that a clean apartment will at least give me a feeling of control in one area of my life so that I can keep pushing forward in others.

    • Anon for this :

      OP here. Thanks for the supportive comments.

      I think my feelings are not really the result of me trying to compare my lives with those of my friends – I get that we’re all in different stages and I’m happy for them. I feel stuck pretty much constantly but seeing my friends happy in their jobs just made me feel a bit sad today which inspired me to post.

      I’ve tried some new things, and I work out pretty frequently which I enjoy. But I don’t really have any hobbies… after work, if I’m not out with friends, I tend to spend the couple hours I’m free and awake at home, either reading or watching tv. Maybe trying to find more hobbies is a good idea…

      • Baconpancakes :

        I’m a pottery evangelist. Working with clay is so amazing. I really recommend it.

        • Real talk question. This is something I’ve wanted to try. I have never done it. I will likely be terrible at it (I am not artistic generally).

          Is this the norm in beginners adult pottery classes? Or will I get laughed out of the room?

          • Baconpancakes :

            Absolutely the norm. I started a mixed-level class last night. A couple of us had taken classes before, and others had never used a wheel before. It takes multiple tries before you can even center a piece of clay on the wheel (getting it exactly centered and domed is what lets you create round things), and it’s perfectly normal to spend a couple of hours even trying to get it centered the first time. But once you get that clay whispering smooth under your fingers, it’s as if all is right with the world, and everything just sings.

          • Thanks, Baconpancakes. I think I’m gonna try it. It seems like it would be really soothing.

          • Baconpancakes :

            Just a warning, it can be really frustrating when it’s not going right. You have to learn to give in and do what the clay wants sometimes. Overall it is soothing, but the first two sessions can be really frustrating, so don’t give up immediately.

          • I used to do this and love it, too. My advice would be to take a class where you’re throwing on a wheel (ghost style) as opposed to shaping a hunk of clay. The wheel is a lot easier (except as bacon pancakes mentions it’s not) and really satisfying when it comes out right.

        • I second this OP. The First OP should think positive, like I do. Yes, things could be better, but guess what, they could be worse.

          First, I have a job that works me way to hard, but I do take home a decent pay check.

          Second, I do not have a boyfreind, but on the other hand, I do not have to replace my Egyptian Cotton sheets every month b/c said ex-boyfreind always soiled them beyond recogntion.

          Third, I currently live in a 2BR apartement that does not have a balcony and does NOT have a guest room b/c Dad makes me use it as a deductiable office, but on the other hand, he IS buying me a 3BR 3Bath apartement with a balcony that WILL have a guest room, and an office.

          Fourth, I do NOT have everything I want, but I DO have everything I need.

          Fifth, I do not have the svelte body I desire, but on the other hand, there are plenty of men that continue to oooogle me in NYC, includeing the judge which I have mabye 90% of my cases in front of!!!!

          So if you always look at the sunny side of things, it will really turn out OK in the end. YAY!!!!!

    • Anon, I totally relate. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling super frustrated with my work life and dating life, feeling like I wasn’t at all where I wanted to be, feeling down and frustrated in spite of my best efforts. On top of that, it can seem like friends and others are doing so well and “have it all.” For me what has helped recently is stepping away a bit: taking a break and putting my focus on “life care”, whatever it means for you. For me it was exercise (endorphins!), getting enough sleep, meditating, chats with close friends, and going out and doing things I liked doing. I’ve also reminded myself to trust that things happen in due time, that maybe I’m exactly where I need to be, and to appreciate where I am now. It’s helped me feel more refreshed and that I can go back to dating and figuring out my career with more optimism and lightness. We’re told to be proactive and #hustle, but focusing and dwelling so much wasn’t great for me, and I think what we need sometimes is to be gentle with ourselves and take a moment.

    • Perhaps this falls in the advice or commiseration category. I distinctly remember sitting with one of my friends from law school when we were about 5 years out, while she cried into her wine glass. She was dating an awful cheating guy at the time and felt stuck in the relationship, she was unhappy in her job, worried about being laid off and severely underpaid, a lot of our mutual friends from law school were no longer speaking to her. Fast forward one year later, she had a new job with a team that respected her and paid her well, met a new guy who is totally dreamy (I don’t say that lightly, he is good looking, smart, kind, a real catch – they’re married now!) and through him made a whole bunch of new friends. Point is, things can totally go 180. Your time will come!

  5. Repost from the Weekly News Update thread because I forgot how Corporate works.

    I have been going to One Medical for everything health-related, including BC, and I’ve finally decided to see a gyno. I found a doctor at a big OB/GYN practice. I made an appointment and had an initial consult, but now I’m stuck in this weird scheduling limbo. I want to get my IUD removed and get an alternate form of BC because I am having bad side effects, which the doctor already agreed with. I called and they said that IUD removal is a 15 minute appointment and they can’t guarantee that I can get the new BC prescription in the same appointment. My options are to schedule two back to back appointments (but insurance only covers one, so this would be expensive), or come back on a different day for the new BC. Additionally, the BC I want to switch to (either the shot or the implant) requires a consult, so I would have to schedule two appointments before finally getting put on new BC. I am unable to schedule the new BC consult now because the doctor MAY be able to fit me in in the IUD removal appointment, so I’m going to have to schedule the next appointment the day of my first appointment. Their schedules are tight to begin with so the next appointment is often several weeks out, and their hours are a huge inconvenience for my schedule to begin with.

    This seems like total madness to me. I don’t like that I’d have a several month gap before I can get put on a new BC. I also don’t like this inflexible scheduling for a long term relationship with a gyno. Is this reasonable or am I out of touch? I live in DC and this is my first time seeing a gyno here, but in my hometown (big southern city) I never encountered such inconvenient scheduling rules.

    • CorporETTE! Jeez.

    • Anonymous :

      Welcome to DC. Perpetual doctor shortages mean if you want to see them, you’re jumping thru hoops.

    • This seems crazy even for D.C.

    • Anonymous :

      There is one particular OBGYN DC practice where this description would fit the bill. I made an appointment for a pap, waited several weeks for said appointment, and then showed up for said appointment and they refused to see me because I hadn’t sent over prior pap results (which they never asked for). That place is a sh*tshow, and I would encourage you to explore other options if you can.

    • I don’t know anything about DC, but I would switch doctors over that.

    • anon a mouse :

      Honestly, that place sounds cray (why would you remove one BC method without even discussing a replacement or whether you were TTC?!) but I would stick with the one appointment, and then be aggressive about getting your RX for the new BC in hand before the IUD removal. The other option would be to schedule two appointments and try to argue with your insurance company that it was really one, but that is more work for you.

  6. Under eye bags. Just saw a picture of myself and mine look terrible. What can I do? I think a lot of this is genetic, my mom has them too, but I just want mine to look better. I have some dark circles too but that’s easier to camouflage with makeup.

    • Sassyfras :

      Injectable fillers are the only non-surgical fix I’ve seen that actually works.

    • Anonymous :

      What kind of lighting were you in? Overhead lights are no one’s friend. It might not be as bad as you think. :)

      • It was natural light. Alas.
        I don’t know if I am comfortable injecting something in my face.

        • Yeah, sorry. I was going to say lower eyelid tuck (blepharoplasty) is pretty much all that works.

          Short of that, you might play around with concealer and highlighters to see what helps. I find the tris h m cev oy triangle of light videos helpful (sorry for the spaces, this brand name will get you in mod around here)

          • So that’s what it’s called! I may save that for my later years.
            I’ll check out the videos meantime, thanks!

    • Maybe try The Ordinary Caffeine Solution 5% + EGCG?

      http://theordinary.com/product/rdn-caffeine-solution-5pct-egcg-30ml

      I use it mainly for dark circles (the jury is still out), but the reviews I read were very positive re: improvement of bags.

  7. I posted this late on the morning thread so I’m reposting because this is a good deal for a nice work dress

    Dress recommendation.

    I ordered the Lands End Women’s Cap Sleeve Knit Tie Waist Dress in Navy and it’s a winner. It’s a jersey knit, not a pointe knit, and it’s good for my Friday wear at a business casual office. I’m wearing it with a longer cardigan. The ties are the best part – give a defined waist and a bit of belly-flage.

    I’m 5’11” and usually wear a 1x. I ordered XL tall and it’s the perfect knee length. The shirt tail hem is less exaggerated than they show on the model.

    On sale for $29.99. Link to follow.

  8. unattainable looks :

    So I happened to see some pics of celebs without makeup and I was shocked. I was like, wait, they look completely average. They look like me or any other regular person. They do NOT look like themselves. They are wearing so much makeup/airbrushing/hair extensions/fake lashes that they have turned into another version of themselves. Examples: Katy Perry, J. Lo, Jennifer Garner, the list goes on.

    And it’s messing with my head. Between magazines, Instagram, TV ads, I’m realizing that my idea of what the ideal woman should look like is not real. I don’t even mean Kardashian level fake. I’m just talking what I consider to be averagely pretty. It requires a ton of work and time and it’s not even real!

    I am a decent looking 30something, able-bodied, healthy, active, and when I’m out in the world I feel reasonably okay with how I look, but then I spend time online and I’m horrified by my own face.

    I feel much better when I limit my consumption of media, especially fashion magazines and Instagram. Being around real people, like my friends and family, in real situations, makes me realize that no one looks like these people IRL.

    But like most people, I indulge in a tabloid at the gym or scroll through Instagram in the waiting room, and the feelings come back. So my question to the h i v e : How do you get past comparing yourself to a look that is ultimately not real or attainable? I have a long way to go.

    • Have you seen the “you’re not ugly you’re just poor” meme? Same idea.

      I really think so much of self acceptance is about accepting other parts of yourself and not focusing on trying to think of yourself as physically beautiful. Things like, I’m smart, I’m strong, I’m funny, I am a good friend, etc. I find for myself (overweight, big nose) that when I project confidence in myself, no one cares about my looks, and I forget about them as well.

    • Anonymous :

      I know this is not your point but I agree Katy Perry looks like a completely different person w/o makeup but I think Jennifer Lopez and Jen Garner actually still look like themselves, just less glam and more down-to-earth. (Caveat that I fully understand that even the “natural” looks of celebs include many enhancements like veneers, extensions, Botox, etc.)

    • I used to think I was immune to this kind of harm, but I’ve noticed a huge difference in my self-criticism since I stopped reading all fashion magazines and started following only plus sized models on Instagram.

      • +1 take IG off your phone or if you don’t want to do that, unfollow anything tabloid or celebrity-related. Bring your own reading to the gym/waiting room. Just keep a book or a non-fashion/beauty type magazine in the car for these types of situations. I agree with the poster above that it’s also important to think of yourself in ways that are not related to physical appearance, but you know the trigger, so to speak, so you can and should remove it while you also work on reframing how you think of your own self-worth.

    • Anonymous :

      What about a simple, short term fix of stopping tabloids and Instagram-scrolling? Remove the temptation. Bring a book in your bag for times you are tempted. Or pack a magazine – maybe subscribe to something like Bust or the New Yorker.

      Sounds like that’s a trigger for you, so my first stop would be to eliminate that trigger.

    • I think I’ll get pushback on this, but it helped me a lot. Make yourself look like that, then once you see how much work it takes and how little you feel like yourself, it’ll lose its appeal.
      When I did this it wasn’t intentional. I wanted to look super glam and Insta-perfect for an event so I went all out and hired professionals to do hair and makeup. Fake eyelashes, a million layers of contouring, Pinterest-worthy smoky eye, hair extensions, the works.
      After it was done, I looked like a celeb, but I didn’t look like me at all. In all the pictures from the event, I looked absolutely perfect, but I barely recognized myself and I didn’t like that feeling.
      Basically, what this experience did was make me feel like the look was attainable, but that I didn’t want to go through the time, money or effort that it took to attain it. It made me look at all of the perfectly-curated images through the lens of “how long did you have to sit in a makeup artist’s chair? how much did those extensions cost? why does your skin look like plastic?”
      Now I see them as “yep, I could look like that. But I have better ways to spend my time, money, and effort.”

      • Agree with this advice. And you may find you like doing some of the extra stuff. I have otherwise low maintenance friends who love getting eyelash extensions.

        Anecdote time, tho— I work in a small industry that has a lot of events, so we all sort of know who everyone else is. There is a young woman who always looks perfect. Model perfect. As in, the business did not need to hire a model for their website “generic gorgeous business woman shaking hands” stock photo, they just used her. I always wondered how she looked that great all the time, because it comes across as so effortless. Then I met someone who used to live with her. Her getting ready in the morning routine is 2-3 hours long. Every. Single. Morning. That sort of “perfection” is possible for many of us, but it is costly, time consuming, and artificial.

        So try it. See what you think. Is it too much of a hassle? Probably. But you may find a few tweaks that work for you and then call it a day.

        • Also, I have this article saved, because it talks about how much work it is to maintain a certain kind of image, and how guys want women who are “effortlessly perfect”… which of course does not exist. (TW: eating disorder stuff)–

          https://thenewinquiry.com/blog/youre-right-i-didnt-eat-that/

        • My niece who is a single mom spends a similar amount of time getting ready. There are false eyelashes, layers of artistically applied makeup, hair straightening then curling for just the right amount of wave, and on and on. She’s in her twenties so already looks pretty perfect to me without all of that, but she does look like a different person. It’s to the point now where she won’t really leave the house without this prep routine because of how vastly different she looks.

          I mean, I get it. I don’t love running around without at least some mascara and something to smooth out my blotchy facial skin, but it seems like my niece is in a self-made prison.

          You’re better off never going down that road, IMO.

          • lawsuited :

            I have no idea how she manages this as a single mum! Having a baby is what got me to re-think my high maintenance hair and makeup routine, because I’d rather spend that time playing with my son and he really doesn’t care what I look like (and I’ve since realized that neither does anyone else).

      • I agree with this advice– try to achieve “perfection” one time and see how much trouble it is. This is a touchy subject around here, but I used to compete in pageants, and it was basically a full-time job to get ready for the big ones. Trainers, hair people, makeup people, wardrobe consultants… if you won a big competition, they might pay for it, but it was lots of $$$$. And LOTS of time. Yes, I looked amazing– but who cares?

        It was a fun hobby when I was 20, but as a 30 year old professional (and mother), I would seriously rather take a nap than mess with any of that now. I spend 20 minutes getting ready in the morning– and because I take care of my body and my skin, I feel like I look pretty great for real-world standards without all that time and money and effort. It’s just not worth it– what is the tradeoff? More attention? Compliments? I will trade you attention and compliments for a nap.

        • Agree with this advice! I went on a bachlorette trip with a totally gorgeous friend. I discovered that she curls her hair twice a day. The first time it takes an hour. The second time is 30 minutes. I am so not willing to spend that kind of time. I slept an extra hour and she looked way hotter in all the photos. I was totally cool with that.

          I got my makeup and hair done for a formal event last year, not the usual sort of wedding hair and makeup, but the celeb type glam thing that others have mentioned. It took 3 hours, and I looked like a total stranger. There were three layers of fake eyelashes. The stylist decided that my eyelids looked droopy and TAPED them open. Ohmigawd. I usually wear pretty heavy makeup and after that experience, I went pretty natural for a week. My friends barely recognized me at the formal event and one friend said I looked like someone out of a Telenovela. Glam look accomplished but I felt so strange. Haven’t done it since.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        Unpopular opinion time. If you want that look, just make yourself look like how you want to look. Makeup can really change your appearance, and can be a lot of fun. It may take a lot of time once you are getting started, but you may learn tips/tricks that save tons of time (for me, that has been brushes that do what I want them to do quickly). I typically wear a full face of makeup, and I use a lot of different color palettes and like doing different looks based on where I am going, the weather, my clothes, my mood, etc. And I really do look like a different person without makeup.

        I think hair is harder because it can be so time consuming. I could never get my hair the way I wanted it when it was long and would spend over an hour every day straightening it and then putting it in hot rollers. That was took much for me (and it got frizzy anyways), so I went for a short chic cut instead. Still fits my style and is fixed in 5 min.

        If you went this route, try to be flexible with making adjustments along the way as you figure out what works and what doesn’t. And because trends do change.

      • The only time I’ve had my hair and makeup professionally done was for a friend’s wedding and I hated the way I looked so much when the makeup was done I took it all off and redid it myself. I looked like a plastic doll. A plastic doll with perfect skin, but still, fake, and not me. It also took her at least an hour to achieve this plastic doll look, whereas it takes me 2 minutes to get ready in the morning (color correcting sunscreen and eyebrow pencil) and 10 to put on a full face of make up for an event. Truly, I do not have any desire to make the kind of time required to look like a plastic doll every day.

    • Anonymous :

      Look at the people around you in real life instead of at celebrities . There’s a lot of hair, makeup, and lighting people involved in video and print mediums. It’s not reflective of real life.

    • As a recently retired NFL Cheerleader, I can promise you that it takes SO.MUCH.WORK to look like that on a daily basis. I didn’t realize how much work/time/money I was actually putting into the whole looks part of that job. And admittedly, I sometimes struggle with accepting that I no longer need to look “perfect” all the time. But I kinda enjoy this side of the aisle. The amount of money and time that it took to look “naturally beautiful” was asinine. And while we did get discounts with sponsors, we still paid a lot out of our own pocket, not including the time away from work that it took. I always wondered how celebrities, etc. looked SO perfect all the time, and it is because there is truly a service/surgery/injection for everything. Very little of the perfection is “natural”. But the maintenance is brutal. So all this rambling to say, I much more enjoy the time I get to spend sleeping in a little more, getting to spend more time with family/friends, basically whatever. However, I have found that the little things do help me feel a little more “celebrity like” on a day to day basis-eyebrows done, nails done, and a little concealer go a long way.

      • This is fascinating to me. I can understand your investment in grooming/makeup etc since it was your career. But now that it’s not, it must be a very difficult habit to break.

        • Anonymous :

          me too – i want to know more!

        • It definitely is a hard habit to break-I am honestly still working on trying to find a middle ground. Especially when so much of your “value” (I use that term very loosely), is tied to appearance, it starts to become a personal belief and then it starts messing with your mind. I absolutely loved my time on the team, but I am glad to now find other things to tie my value and worth too!

      • Also fascinated by this and wanting to learn more. Were guys hitting on you all the time? Was it a stepping stone for your career or was it just a side job or hobby for you? I’ve never met a former NFL cheerleader IRL but have thought it must be such a glamorous life!

    • Am I horrible? :

      I find this not only when I look at celebrities made up, but the instagram accounts of my own friends. The person on instagram and the person in real life look completely different. I personally do not like makeup and most of the time am happy about the fact that I don’t wear any. Sometimes, though, looking at my friends’ instagram accounts makes me feel sick. Until I see them in person again.

      • real life insta :

        So, sometimes that happens to me when I look through friends’ feeds, and visa versa. I actually just asked my best friend a question about a picture that I saw of myself. I’m generally a fit person, but I was holding something heavy in direct sunlight, and my arms just looked absurdly muscular. I asked her if I actually look like that, or if it was just the picture, because honestly, it looked ridiculous to me. She confirmed that it was, in fact, the picture, and I look fit but normal in real life. I take all pictures with a grain of salt because lighting, angles, whatever make a huge difference.

        I actually love the trend now of bodybuilding competitors posting flexed vs. unflexed, posed vs. unposed, morning vs. night, etc. pictures. It shows that they don’t walk around stage-ready all the time, and that real people don’t have these perfect lines and muscles all the time. Everyone posts their highlight reel on social media, whether that’s a picture from an event looking AMAZING with makeup and hair and the whole thing, or a flexed, posed, well-lit picture after an 8 week prep for a bodybuilding competition. My husband actually does an awesome job as a sounding board when I start down the path that I’m not as fit/lean/strong/whatever as the people I follow on Insta. In many cases, it’s their job or only hobby to look that way, and I’ve chosen to fill my life with many other things. I applaud their dedication and success, but realizing the work that I’d have to put in to look like that and knowing it’s not how I want to spend my time has improved my perspective.

  9. Anonymous :

    How do you balance (mentally) – hating your job (huge step down from prior job; boring; mediocre colleagues; zero learning) with at least I got a job after 15 months unemployed and these last yrs at this gig have been a slog but have allowed me to save again the amount of savings I spent in those 15 months. I know I should be grateful but I am so miserable at this job – miserable enough that even looking for a new job is daunting.

    • Country Biscuits :

      Oooh, this is me. Right now I’m grateful to have time in the mornings to work out and walk the dogs. I have a ton of jobs open on my phone and saved on LinkedIn, but yes it’s daunting to think of sitting down and going through those. I don’t want to make the same mistake again but like you I felt I had to take it. Hoping the right thing pops up or drops in my lap. LSS, just commiseration and hugs!

    • Anonymous :

      Oh, I’ve been there. Spent years there, actually. I used the time to gain skills and networking opportunities that eventually allowed me to transition to a job I love. But at my last job, it got so bad that I had an ‘acute depressive episode’ and had to be medicated and put on leave by my doctor. While on leave, I did a bunch of interviews (didn’t disclose to them I was on leave) and ultimately quit the first job when the leave came to an end, and then immediately started the new, awesome one. I stayed on the medication and now I’m thriving.

      Hang in there, get support, reach out to recruiters. You can do it. Lots of people have setbacks in their career and recover, so try not to let it impact your view of your own self worth, or catastrophize about the future. You’ll come out of it.

    • Just hugs and support. I have no good advice here. Just praying that a good opportunity opens for you.

    • Anonymous :

      I never get very far with reminding myself I should be grateful – maybe just accepting that this job is miserable will be freeing? Or allow yourself at least to list its good and bad points without self-judgement. Honestly, I spent 3 years looking for my current job, while employed at a job that I was really bored at and growing to hate, and it was really hard. But the happy ending is, I love my new job. Love it. It’s been 2 years now and I’m still waiting for the honeymoon to end. So try not to loose sight of the fact that you WILL be happier once you find something better, you WILL enjoy your life more, and you do have options. Keep looking, focus on what makes your job bearable — if any of your colleagues are remotely interesting cultivate those relationships — and be kind to yourself.

      I find being bored at work particularly hard because I always feel like I’m a bad employee for not scrounging up more work to do, so then I am bored and guilty.

    • I was in the same place once too. Unemployed, took a job, hated said job, but stick there for 5 years before getting to a much better place. What helped for me was meeting people for coffee or lunch during the day (is your office near other firms/companies where you might be able to get a job)? Networking will enable you to hear about openings that aren’t posted and will also give you the inside scoop on whether people are happy there. I also went to a weekly toastmasters meeting, where people are so supportive and funny, and joined a board of a professional organization, which led to my next job. I as also bored and crying at work a bunch, but it helped to spend time out of my office and away from toxic people.

  10. Heading to Victoria & Seattle in the coming weeks for a family vacation (us + 1 toddler). I’ve been to Seattle a few times, but never Victoria. Any must-dos? Plans to hit up Butchart Gardens and have tea at the Empress in Victoria, maybe hit a yoga class.

    We are very relaxed when vacationing (…with our kiddo) and mostly walk around/eat food/find playgrounds & used bookstores.

    Toddler is almost 3; I’m vegetarian and knocked up – so no heavy boozing. thanks!

    • J in Seattle :

      Downtown Bellevue – just across a bridge from Seattle. The city just revamped it’s downtown park and the playground is unreal. Plus the downtown area has fun stuff for all ages.

    • Whale watching!! Orcas are in town, migrating with their babies in huge pods during the summer months, which means that whale watching around the San Juan Islands (near Victoria) is absolutely spectacular. And unlike the California greys that look like (glorious) lumps in the water, orcas are really spot-able, so your toddler will probably be really excited.

      Also, the aquarium in Seattle is pretty fun, as is the underground tour.

    • Just did Seattle with that aged child. So many great playgrounds. There’s a cool one on Bainbridge Island that you can combine a ferry ride with (you’ll need a car). There’s also a good zoo and the Museum of Flight is great if the kid is into airplanes or space. I just wish I had time to read the exhibits.

    • Seafair is happening in Seattle so there’ll be some cool activities. The website has an event calendar.

      If you’ll be in Bellevue, I’d recommend going to Larsen Lake Blueberry Farm to pick blueberries – might also be fun for your kid. You have to call them in advance to see their hours but they should be open July-Sept.

      Also, Pacific Science Center is pretty cool – they also have programs tailored for the younger kids so might be worth a visit.

      • Senior Attorney :

        +1 Pacific Science Center

        Also the rotating restaurant at the top of the Space Needle was unexpectedly fabulous if your child can handle that kind of thing.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Oh, and get the Lunar Orbiter dessert — it’s ice cream on a bed of dry ice and the kids at the next table absolutely lost their minds when it came to our table!

    • fake coffee snob :

      Best thing ever with a toddler is a ferry ride (or if you’re taking the clipper to Victoria…that probably covers it pretty well). Driving or walking on, with or without a destination.

      I’m also a neighborhood wanderer when traveling and I suggest leaving downtown as much as you can. The wandering is better in somewhere like Fremont, Ballard, even Wallingford…

  11. Soon-to-be Empty Nester :

    I’m wondering if there are any empty nesters on here who can speak to how they handled the experience of having kids they’re really close with go off to college? I’ve been SHOCKED at how empty my life feels when my (high school aged) kids were gone to camp this summer and I’m really worried what things will be like when they’re gone to college. I never realized what a huge part of my life they are and have been for the past 18 years – I love talking to them, having them there at dinner, going places with them, and just generally having them around. I work full-time in a fulfilling law job and have a husband, but somehow, my life just seemed really empty when they were gone. I like my husband fine, but realize I don’t enjoy being around just him the way I enjoy being around them. Am I just too involved with the kids? Do I need to get some hobbies? Go to couples counseling? Read a book on empty nest syndrome? I like to think I/we had fulfilling lives before we had kids, but somehow, it seems different now. Would appreciate any guidance or thoughts…

    • Coach Laura :

      Empty Nester- I’m in the throes of this now as both of mine started careers in other parts of the country so they aren’t nearby like when they were in college. Based on my experience and that of friends, I suggest investing in yourself and your other relationships now.

      Cultivate friends and other family, take up new or renewed interest in hobbies and prepare for a new relationship with your spouse. Lean in at work, take a new work tangent, develop a volunteer passion. You and your spouse could take up something new like cycling or adventure traveling or something that you did pre-kids but it should be a joint that gives you a base for a child free future and that both of you like.

    • Anonymous :

      You’ll probably have more communication with them at college than when they’re at summer camp. I think I spoke to my mom (at least by email/text) pretty much every day in college, but from what I understand from friends with school-age kids, most summer camps are more off the grid and the kids maybe have one phone call with the parents per week and can’t do email.
      It’s normal to miss your kids when they leave for college, but I think preferring your kids’ company to your husband’s is more unusual and probably something you want to address. Not necessarily in counseling, but you want to take the time over the next year or two to invest in date nights and weekend getaways without the kids and finding new hobbies to do together.

    • I’m there this week! My 16 and 14 year olds are off at sports camps (not together) and even though they were driving me crazy as recently as last week, I miss them SO much this week. We have been looking at college campuses with the 16 year old and that reality is setting in for me too. I swear to god they were toddlers about a year ago!

      I don’t have any great advice except not to do what my sister did, which is have a second family. She has a son who is almost 30 and two kids in elementary school. I suppose you can only accomplish this if you became a mom in your early twenties but seriously, just when she was finally getting her older kids off the payroll, she started all over again.

      I’m basically commiserating and following your thread with interest. I kind of doubt we are going to get great advice as this crowd skews pretty young, but hey, I feel you.

    • My mom and I aren’t close but when I left for college (same city!), she asked that I call her at least once a week. Missing the kids and worrying about them when they’re gone for extended periods is normal. =)

      My sis-in-law is going through the empty nest feeling and she sends little care packages (once a week lol) thru Amazon whenever she sees something her daughter might like. Sis-in-law is staying pretty busy with her job, which I think helps. Your post reminds me that I should ask how she’s doing.

      I’ll probably be in the same boat as you in a few years (my kids are still in elementary school) b/c I like hanging out with my kids too! (Heck, when they go on a sleepover that goes for a few nights, the house feels different and too quiet. haha)

    • I can’t give you advice from the parent-perspective (my son is 16 months), but I can tell you that college, and particularly shortly thereafter, my relationship with my parents changed but in a really great way. They were able to let go of the “on duty” aspect of parenting and we became more like friends. My husband and I hung out with them all the time when we were dating just at the house, going out to dinner, to events, etc. No practical advice, but don’t assume that the change will be all bad.

    • From observing my parents they went to more cultural events and socialized with friends way more – they also took up hobbies. It all seems really fun, and not what they were doing when we were at home.

    • Wedding shoes :

      I’m not far behind you! My son is overly attached, so it’ll be hard for him to leave, but once he gets the hang of hs and then moves on to college, it may take me a while to get my mojo back. The best moments are probably when we’re just chatting and being goofy and he starts saying “now im picturing…..” and coming up with silly stuff you wouldn’t expect this big kid to say.

      We have occasionally taken small trips for our birthdays. I’m stepping that up this year, in hopes that he will want to continue that tradition. My expectation is that the day to day will feel different than when he’s at camp, because when they’re gone for such short periods, you can’t really change much, so there’s a hole.

      My parents, especially my mother, insisted on maintaining the superior role. We never were close, and she didn’t work outside the home so didn’t have the common workplace experience of being with people of varying ages all day long. I think the earlier commenter is right that if you can transition to a different kind of role, it’ll be much better for the long run. I already see that my high schooler prefers me to point out the questions he needs to ask himself to reach decisions.

      Good luck!

    • WhatsApp group! :

      I’m not an empty-nester, but me and DH families are spread out around the country, so it’s hard to keep up in person. We have a family WhatsApp group with DH’s parents and siblings/their SOs, it’s great. I’m a pretty passive participant, but we send pictures, articles, videos, random thoughts, etc., and we all feel much more connected. My BIL and his wife had their first child a few months ago, and the little 10-second videos of whatever he’s doing are hilarious. It’s nice because you don’t feel like you have to spend a lot of time or schedule it or whatever, and now everyone feels much more connected when we get together IRL 1x-2x per year.

      I know my parents missed seeing what I was doing, since they were both very involved when I was living with them, so seeing random snippets of our lives help them feel like they know what’s going on with us. It’s kind of the equivalent of, “How was your day?” when you get home from school, but at shorter intervals.

  12. So, just found out our master bath is going to be too small to accommodate both a standard size shower (our previous one was tiiiiny) and a separate tub. We don’t want to do a shower/tub combo, so now we have an odd small-ish corner that I don’t quite know what to do with.
    My thoughts are either storage (some sort of bath cabinet)
    A small chair or stool/with a floor to ceiling mirror and some shelving?

    So, wise hive members – what would you do? Is there another option I’m not thinking of?

    • Larger shower with a bench, unless you’re desperate for extra storage, in which case put in some cabinetry.

    • We have an odd small-ish corner/ alcove that we use for storage. We have a bath cabinet type thing, with a cabinet on the bottom and shelving above. We store travel-size and back-up/extra toiletries below and put medications in baskets on the shelves. Our house is old and short on storage, so it’s really nice to have.

    • Anonymous :

      Unless you’re blessed with storage elsewhere, I think storage is the way to go. An extra linen closet, a nice bath cabinet, a piece of antique or vintage furniture you can use as storage, and the like. I used to have an extra linen closet devoted to my master bathroom and I really miss it.

    • GirlFriday :

      How big will the space be? I recently ran into this same problem when we remodeled the master bath, so I stuck an additional sink in there. Now Hubs and I don’t have to share a sink space. If it’s too small for that, I vote a bath cabinet! You can never have too much storage. A full length mirror would be tempting, but you could put one of those in your closet or bedroom, right? Good luck!

    • Constant Reader :

      Is the space too small for a Japanese soaking tub? They are small and upright. I’ve always really wanted one.
      Full length 3 way mirror? Wall garden?

      https://www.google.com/search?q=japanese+soaking+tub&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwih38i5-_fUAhXMyoMKHQhMAikQ_AUICygC&biw=1472&bih=1079#imgrc=tuLJ1SEnGeRG9M:

      https://www.google.com/search?biw=1472&bih=1079&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=wall+garden+bathroom&oq=wall+garden+bathroom&gs_l=img.3…7515.8881.0.9137.0.0.0.0.0.0.0.0..0.0….0…1.1.64.img..0.0.0.gTImhCL-h3U

      • anon a mouse :

        this was my first thought, too. (though be sure to have an engineer confirm that your floors can hold the weight.)

      • The space can fit a claw foot tub, but we literally cannot fit it up our narrow staircase (old old house FTW!).

        Sounds like an oversized shower with a bench and a storage cabinet make the most sense.

    • If I’m reading this right you’ll just have a shower? I’d consider make the walk in shower bigger. We have an oversized walk in shower and it’s fabulous. There is a small closet next to it to fill the gap between the shower and wall.

    • Wedding shoes :

      I’d keep the tub (there is one I’ve been lusting over for months) and make it a wet room, with drain in the floor.

      • Wedding shoes :

        Sorry, that reads poorly.

        I’d get the tub of my dreams and also make the bathroom into a wet room, with tile walls and floor and a drain in the floor.

  13. Just read the sleeveless dress dress code piece from the News Update and as a former journalist for a certain pilloried paper of record, I beamed with pride at my former profession at this: “The unnamed reporter, apparently desperate to simply do her job, ‘ripped out pages from her notebook and stuffed them into her dress’s shoulder openings to create sleeves,’ CBS reports.”

    Loved that. The things we women do to get the job done!

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Too bad it did not work and she was still denied entry. But that woman is a d*mn hero.

  14. Coworker Passed the Bar – how to celebrate
    One of my coworkers passed the February bar, got her results, and let our dept know (we’re an in-house legal dept of about 15). I am her informal mentor at work (we are both female minorities) and her boss let me know he was planning something for her. I got a card, everyone signed it, never heard from her boss again. It’s now July and I’m actually on mat leave and followed up with him. He’s a bit antisocial and said that it was too inconvenient to get everyone in the department together, so he just took her out to lunch. Should I just get her something and send it to her with the card? I was thinking something like a cookie bouquet or something like that. What do you think?

    • Anonymous :

      You want to send cookies 7 months later? Why not just let it go? Or just you take her out to lunch with the excuse of – sorry maternity leave messed up the timing but I still want to celebrate.

    • Cookie bouquet is major overkill. Simple one-on-one lunch when you’re back.

      • And then just hand her the card that everyone signed? Or have someone drop it off to her now? (Bar results came out in May… so it’s basically my 6 week delay)

        • Send card now, possibly with face-saving note — “time got away from me” or “was hoping to deliver this when we all got together, but since that hasn’t happened yet, here you go!”

  15. pugsnbourbon :

    I bought two pairs of zeroUV sunglasses – the cheapie brand Kat mentions above. The black wayfarer-style ones have gotten nearly daily wear and I love them.

  16. Doing that :

    As an empty nester, I agree, it was an adjustment. I think the psychologists say you may even go through a grieving process. There is an undeniable change in the parent-child relationship when the kids leave home, even (or especially) when you’re close. They may move back home or stay close to home, but they’ll be independent and a lot different than at 18. Having said that, the next stage can be great! It helps to have a job you enjoy. You need ways to fill time. I scheduled regular dinners with friends I had barely seen in years; joined a couple of groups I’d always wanted to join and started planning trips (no more scheduling around school breaks). I joined a gym and tried some old hobbies. It was fun! I can’t speak to reinventing the long-term marriage because I was divorced (but I’ve heard the sentiment you mention from several friends), but pursuing new sports or interests with your spouse is good. Once you get through it, and you will, life can be so, so rich.

  17. Seattle recommendations? :

    Maybe late in the day to be seeking recommendations from the hive, but my husband and I are headed to Seattle next weekend. I’ve never been in the city for any period of time. We’re staying downtown (near Convention Center), won’t have a car but are game for reasonable walks, bike rentals, public transportation, etc. What should we do? What should we avoid? It’s a rare weekend without kids for us, so I’m trying not to over-plan. Still, I’d love to have a good dinner reservation and some other can’t-miss recommendations.

    • The underground tour is really, really fun here. Also, the EMP (experience Music Project) is pretty cool. Seafood at the wharf, explore architecture in Bellevue, eat all the things.

    • anon a mouse :

      Shiro Sushi. Chihuly museum.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Avoid the original Starbucks and go to Storyville above Pike Place instead. Get their salted caramel bun, I promise it’s magical. Sit and look out at Elliot Bay.

      Avoid going to the top of the Space Needle (unless you also want to eat dinner there) and go to the Starbucks on the 40th floor of the Columbia tower, instead. 10:30-6 on Saturdays, free except for the coffee, and almost as good of views.

      Take the water taxi to Alki Beach, get lunch at Marination Mai Kai (so good, beautiful view), and wander around Alki. Take the bus up to the Junction and wander around that area, and then walk or take the bus back down and back across the water. Alki is gorgeous on a sunny day.

      If you’re looking for a VERY fancy dinner, Canlis is the gold standard and was the best meal I’ve ever had. Otherwise, however, depends on what you like- Ethan Stowell’s restaurants are good, as are Tom Douglas’ restaurants. Etta’s is his original place in Pike Place and I’ve heard it’s good.

      Seattle Center can be fun to wander around. Take the monorail from Westlake Center downtown and look around the Chihuly Museum, the International Fountain, etc. The area behind it has lots of restaurants- all pretty reasonably priced. I like Peso’s for dinner, Toulouse Petit for breakfast (get the beignets!) and Pagliacci’s (pizza, but good pizza) for lunch. Walk back to downtown along the water and the Olympic Sculpture Park. If you time it right, the sunset is stunning.

      Have a great time! Summer in Seattle is the best.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Inexplicably in mod, check back in a bit…

    • Senior Attorney :

      They have the Terra Cotta Warriors at the Pacific Science Center and we loved it. And you’re right there for the Chihuly glass exhibit and a meal at the surprisingly good revolving restaurant at the Space Needle.

  18. Anonymous :

    I’m already grateful to the posters who told me to create a PIP for my difficult employee. It’s really helping me conceptualize his role better, and break it down into digestible and measurable tasks. We’ll see how it goes!

  19. Early Career Advice? :

    I’m prepared for some of you to tell me to go see a career counselor because my situation is somewhat specific, but there’s something therapeutic about typing all of this out – especially to a group of professional women who I have found give very sound advice.

    I graduated from undergrad several years ago with the intention of working for the federal government in an investigative analyst or intelligence capacity. I knew it wouldn’t happen immediately, but I interned with a very prominent federal agency my senior year of college which gave me a great deal of confidence and confirmed my desire to go into this line of work. I did and saw a lot of things I never could have dreamed of at that age. I was exposed to classified information. I was given the opportunity to experience things outside of the office. I met the President. Upon graduation, I thought surely I would land a job in this field.

    Fast forward 2 years and I am still in the same criminal investigative position in the banking industry, which I took after graduation as a temporary position to make a decent income until landing what I was looking for. It can be interesting but most of the time it’s fairly boring and it’s not what I want to be doing. I won’t even get started on the negative atmosphere regarding teamwork , management, and leadership. I have applied to nearly 150 federal and state jobs in the past 2 years (both public and private/contractor positions). I am just really discouraged and I am at a loss on what to do next. I’ve considered getting a master’s but I’m not sure what discipline and I don’t think I want to add to my undergrad debt right now either. I don’t know if I should give up and turn to something else to get out of my current job – part of me says I can’t just stay and be miserable and hope I land my dream job – but then another part of me says that my current position is still somewhat in line with what I want to do and having it on my resume will pay off. If I were to give up and choose something else entirely, it would be journalism (specifically investigative journalism or political writing), but I don’t know anyone in that industry or how to break into it. I feel lost. Help!

    • Before going back to school, can you change how you’re applying for jobs? Are you sending out resumes? Applying online? It would be hard to really personalize your efforts with that many applications. Government jobs are easier to get into by networking. Focus on the agency you most want to work for and work your network until someone within that agency talks to you. When applying for my federal job, I cold called and met with people until someone took my resume up to the hiring person. I still had to ace the interviews but it got me past the 4 year backlog of applications in the mailroom.

      • I have a pretty good network from past internships and my current position but there hasn’t been much they can do to get around OPM being in charge of the application portion of things most of the time. Cold calling is something I hadn’t thought of – it’s worth a shot, thanks!

    • One of the best ways to get into early federal service is through honors programs and PMF. Otherwise, you’re fighting the black hole of USAJobs and the difficult task of figuring out which–if any–roles exist that are in the excepted service (ie, not always on USAJobs and definitely open to networking, as mentioned above). Catch for most honors programs/PMF? Recent graduation from higher ed. You should quickly do some research on programs in agencies that do the work that appeals to you–don’t just think about the name and obvious mission of the agencies, look deeper!–and figure out eligibility and timelines for applications. They are usually 9 months–1 year out from when you’d start working.

      Good luck! Don’t give up.

    • SAIS?

  20. Anonymous :

    Has anyone bought anything by the brand Maggy London? Some of the stuff looks really cute, but affordable… I’m trying to upgrade my wardrobe to higher quality pieces (think: going from Loft and Express to Ann Taylor and Kate Spade, with a little MM LaFleur thrown in). Would this fit the bill?

    • I’d put Maggy London in the AT category. They have some good work dresses that are machine washable.

    • Yes, and I love it. Maggy London (and London Times, a related brand) make great dresses for hourglass shapes like me. I get compliments all the time on my items from these two brands, I suspect just because they are cut so well for my body type. I just realized I’m wearing one right now, actually…

    • Wedding shoes :

      Nordstrom Rack has a bunch of Maggy London dresses under $50, some for half that. They are not a separate, second-rate line. I tracked a dress from the regular store to the rack (well, not physically the same dress, but you know what I mean)

  21. Sloan Sabbith :

    I’m not sure if it shows I’m a masochist or really mature that I just referred a client of mine to the attorney who defended the man who s**ually assaulted me. I hate her personally, but do admit she was a good attorney. Which I hate, because she made my life he11 for two months.

    I hate everything.

  22. Any advice on dealing with extremely arrogant male co-workers? Specifically someone who was recently promoted as your supervisor (not really a supervisor but more of a quality control person who reads and “corrects” reports) but acts like your boss even though he is not in any way calling the shots? He alone has me looking for another job even though I am otherwise satisfied and I don’t want that, but his condescending attitude and intent on making me look bad is making me miserable. I have met with my boss about it on two separate occasions and while he did stick up for me recently, I still feel that this will be a long term issue as this arrogant co-worker is not changing.

    • Anon for this :

      Ugh. I’ve got nothing but commiseration. Similar situation- I’ll call this guy condescending. I don’t report to him, but he’s senior to me in a very small company. Long-term, we need to be able to work together, but boy is it tough.

      Not only is he condescending to staff and clients, but he’s lazy. We are very much an organization where people will pitch in and do what needs to be done, if needed. Not him. It’s honestly amazing how he tries to get out of actually doing anything. Delegate- he’ll do, edit and wordsmith the cr*p out of anyone else’s work- he’s thrilled to do, but actually do something. Nope. In fact, if he has to do something, it’s the most minimal effort job ever.

      Sorry.

    • Hug’s. I had this issue when I worked for the goverment as a student. My “boss” was a guy who only thought of women as a sexueal object, meaning that we were only good if we would do sexueal things for them! FOOEY! I did NOT do anything for this guy and he did NOT give me a good review to the supervisor. DOUBEL FOOEY on men like this. We are so much more then objects for their sexueal pleasure. Who are they to think that women don’t deserve to be treated equally to their male freinds? BTW, Kat, I do NOT like these glasses! They make Rosa look silly and I told her so so she is replaceing them with new glasses. YAY!!!!

    • I think something to know that might help is that other people see through the arrogant male coworker just like you do. No one is talking openly about it but just know that others aren’t blind to it. You can look for something else and not feel guilty about it. And know that while you’re stuck with this guy you’re gaining valuable coping skills for dealing with the next one of his type.

  23. Attorneyanon :

    Hive, I am going to work at a new firm soon where I will be managing a group of attorneys. I am completely unfamiliar with the area of law that they practice, although I’m working on learning it in the evenings. I am good at courtroom advocacy and I’ve managed people for years. My question is: I plan on having an initial group meeting–what can I say to this group that will put them at ease and allay their concerns/fears/irritation that someone from the outside got this job? (There was an internal candidate for my position). TIA!

    • It’s probably less what you say than what you do. If you’re coming into an area with SME’s, be respectful of their experience, learn from them and add value where you can. My best bosses also have shared as much information as possible that they get from being in their position – met w CEO, here’s what she said; got email from client, here’s what she said, etc.

    • Oh I read fast, for an initial meeting? I’d probably just give some background on yourself, be open about learning from them, and do a go-around the room asking them for an intro. I’d also find out if the internal candidate is on your team and try to develop a relationship separately (who knows, maybe they’re relieved hey didn’t get it, but you want an ally in that person). If you suspect resistance to you specifically, I’d also consider meeting w people informally and individually before you start – that way you can go into the first meeting w the group already having a starting point.

      • Attorneyanon :

        That’s a great idea, Scarlett. Thanks. I’ve been invited to sit in and listen in on a big meeting before my start date. I can start informally meeting people there.

  24. I need to buy new bedding – comforter, pillows, bed skirt, etc. I want something that requires absolutely no effort from me aside from buying it, but that doesn’t look too perfect and matchy matchy. Any recommendations on places to shop that make this kind of thing really simple?

    • Pottery barn! Stick to white or cream for everything and get a nice blanket (I like their quilts) and coordinating shams. I actually just get nice white sheets elsewhere but you can get there’s too. They do a nice job styling everything so take a look on their s*te/in their catalog.

    • White Co has beautiful bedding that all goes together. Also Garnet Hill.

    • The Company Store. Great quality at good prices.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 – and once you get on their mailing list, you’ll get 20% coupons periodically (quarterly, maybe?)

    • Anonymous :

      Costco

    • S in Chicago :

      West elm. Good quality. So many things in the same color family that it’s like creating from scratch but having confidence it will all pull together. And if you see something you like, check Ebay. Often can get things cheaper. Play with an accent color that’s different (like different shades or red or different blues) and it keeps it looking more unique.

  25. It sounds like a lot of members of the hive consider being “in-house counsel” as the holy grail of practicing law, but from my own experience of being laid off after being 2 years in-house and finding it hard to find another job (due to the recession), and knowing a few people who were more senior to me at well-established, very profitable companies after working there for more than 10+ years, is it possible that as you get more senior as an in-house attorney, your job may be more at risk, because your salary is higher, there are fewer GC positions out there, people don’t leave, etc.?

    Knowing all of that, does it make sense for someone who is at a firm with a busy practice to just stay there, despite the drawbacks (longer hours, needing to bill time, being on call all the time), for job security reasons? In my case, I’m an income partner at a mid-sized firm. I know I can get paid more in-house for working fewer and more predictable hours, but the fear of being laid-off makes me stay-put. Do others on this board not have the same fear?

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I’m definitely junior to you, and have already moved in house, but I worry about this – at my employer, the law department is tiny (2 people, with me as the junior person) so how do I grow professionally to earn the salary growth I hope for? I mean I guess the answer is that when/if I start to hit a ceiling, I look around for other places to go, but yeah, it worries me.

    • I’m in constant fear about job security. I work in-house and experience some of the benefits you mentioned. Regular hours, generally 9-5, flexibility to go to appointments/lunches, etc. For me the pay is not as good, but it’s still high so I’m satisfied. The fear of layoffs is constant and present and real though. My friends at firms say, no there are layoffs here too, but it’s not the same at all. You’ve been at both so you fully appreciate how capricious company layoffs can be. Last year the axe was being swung aimlessly at my company. There were literally errors in the layoffs. They laid off two people inadvertently and had to hire them back. It did not give me any confidence in management, I panicked and actually contacted a coworker at my prior law firm about potentially coming back. This year there has been wave after wave including one in my department that I had to conduct.

      For me, I could never go back to a firm though. When I met with the partner at my old firm about potentially coming back, I got a wave of flashbacks about 100 hour work weeks, client calls and emergencies during every vacation, frequently missed dinners with family and friends. I have young kids right now so I think in-house makes sense for me. I keep some savings and keep my network and resume fresh to ease the anxiety.

    • I’ve been in-house for 10 years, am pretty senior and my job security feelings have only gotten better with time. Layoffs happen, but I’ve seen much less of that in-house than say people who’ve been asked to leave firms. Layoffs tend to happen when a company isn’t doing well rather than hitting the legal department as some overall cost-cutting measure. I can count on one hand the number of in-house counsel who have been downsized that I know, and the multiplier is way more for firm lawyers. Long way of saying job security, in my view, is much better in-house. And once you have that experience, it’s much easier to get another in-house job, and that point goes to the holy grail question. Personally, while the hours are more predictable, it’s not the right job for everyone. To be good in-house, you have to be a lot less lawyerly and a lot more practical/business oriented. You need to be comfortable explaining risk and giving an opinion about what to do. You have to like answering basic questions and dealing with ordinary things where you are expected to just know the answer and not have to research first. Many firm lawyers who have had successful law firm careers really struggle with the transition. That’s why you see most hiring out of firms done w more junior lawyers and why there’s a preference for people already in-house. The best part is if you land somewhere great, you get to just keep practicing. You can take on new areas, deepen your relationships with your internal clients, do special projects to keep things interesting but you don’t have any pressure to move up unless you want to. If you want to be a SME, you can. If you want to lead a practice area as an AGC, you can, there’s only one GC or CLO, and it’s okay of you don’t want to be that person. It’s not like a firm where there an up or out mentality.

      • Msft, yhoo, tmobl, starwd and other companies that have been doing well have laid off lawyers even in good times. You may be working at a really big company, because at the in-house job where I was laid off (and trust me when I say that the company was doing well but they wanted to reorganize and cut divisions anyway), the only way I would be able to move up was if someone more senior to me in legal either left or retired. They could make more people AGC because there already was one, and she was only 5 years older than me (and was axed as well). In any event I liked being in house and seeing how hiring is cyclical, I’m tempted to make a go at it again, but I’m wary. As a firm lawyer I can go to another firm or go in house, but if I take and then am later laid off another in house job (due to reorg, merger, the economy or any other reason) and unemployed again, I don’t think another firm will hire me as a partner.

    • ChristinaL :

      Kelsey–

      Ugh, don’t go in-house. Now that you are a partner, concentrate on developing your book of business; that’s the best way to ensure job security. I practiced at Biglaw for 8 years then went inhouse at a Fortune 500 company. The legal department here is incredibly political, with advancement opportunities given to those who are friends with the elite senior management group. There is no way to move up based upon merit alone. Also, I’ve had 5 bosses in 5 years. We recently got a new CEO and he did a restructuring, they let go of 3 senior people in the legal department without so much as a “thanks lot for your many years of service.” If I had to do it over again, I would have stayed put as outside counsel.

    • Not in-house myself, but I’d say that more than half of my friends who’ve gone in-house have complained about the “people never leave” problem (i.e., no room for advancement unless you’re willing to move to another company).

  26. What is your favorite MM LaFleur piece of clothing?

    Or what is your favorite piece of clothing in general? I really need a wardrobe refresh and am having a difficult time.

    For me: my black crepe slim ankle length pants by Eileen Fisher get worn at least once per week. I also love my Boden wrap sweaters. And my J. Crew pencil skirts.

    • I love my Aditi dress in a darker orange color. It looks great alone or with a blazer or cardigan and I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on it.

      • That looks lovely but I should add I am 5’3″ and 120lb (41 year old mom of 3 kids) with a bit of a tummy pooch — I think that dress would highlight my tummy….does anyone else have this problem???

        • Speaking as a 40 year old mom of 3 and a pooch to show for it, I don’t think it highlights that area that much, but mm lafleur has some good A-line styles (Toi and Annie) too. Is there a pop up near you? I sent to a pop up and found that the dresses fit differently in person than I expected.

        • I do. I’m 5’8″+ and currently 155 with an apple belly.
          Fit and flare dresses are magic. Try the solid color ones at Talbots.
          I’ve also been surprised at how some sheaths fit. It seems like shifts would be better, because they’re looser, but I find the way they hang doesn’t do me any favors. I haven’t figured it out yet–some sheaths look just as I expect, with my belly pushing the fabric out like I’m starting my third trimester, but other sheath dresses make me look tall and slim. Round up a few to try on–I bet you’ll find a nice surprise.

    • Anonymous :

      The Deneuve top, in cream.

    • The Toi and Lydia dresses. I’m a pear and thought I couldn’t pull off a sheath dress, but the Lydia is very flattering. I had to go up a size, fwiw.

    • I have the same Eileen Fisher pants and I love them.

  27. The Payless store is closing. I know there are some corpre**e favorite shoes there, but don’t know what they are. What are the best Payless styles?

    • Any of the Comfort Plus shoes. I really like the Karmen pump. Very comfy and mine have held up reasonably well over a couple of years.

  28. In my 30’s and I’m noticing under eye wrinkles and small brown spots. I’m living in sunscreen. Any good products you recommend to prevent from getting worse, slow down? Thanks.

    • Sunscreen Tips :

      For the under eye wrinkles, making an effort to wear sunglasses more should help. For the brown spots, I’d look at trying to wear hats when outside (at least when the sun is most intense) and into getting a better sunscreen (such as a Korean sunscreen or a European formulation. The FDA has odd rules about sunscreens: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/05/11/why-the-newest-sunscreens-still-havent-hit-the-u-s-market/).

    • Obagi Nu-Derm. Really helped with my brown spots.

  29. And thank you to all the comments posted on this thread about loving yourself instead of hours spent doing hair and makeup. I needed to hear that.

  30. Wedding shoes :

    For a guest–I’m long past bride stage, lol.

    I’m looking at blue suede heels. Is suede ok for a summer wedding?

    • Wedding shoes :

      Also, can suede pumps fit in at a slightly biz-casual office? My favorite of the blue suede pumps I’m looking at has a peep toe, so they’re probably a no-go at the office. My second favorite pair are also blue suede pumps, but fully closed toe. If I could wear them at the office (I’m new-ish, don’t know what they’ll wear this fall/winter), then I’d get the second pair. But if I can’t wear them to the office anyway, I might as well go for the ones with peep toe.

      • I don’t usually think of suede shoes for the summer, so I’m not sure I can answer the first question. But office appropriate in the fall? Absolutely! I have (faux) suede pumps in both dark red and true purple and wear them all the time. Of course, I also have perhaps seven other variations on red shoes or boots so maybe I’m not the one to ask . . .

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve actually changed my mind on suede. I used to think of it as a fall/winter staple, but now I think that suede in a spring/summer appropriate color can look great. Even slightly darker shades of suede pumps (eg. wine, oxblood) can look amazing with dresses when the colors pulls out and compliments something in the dress. As long as the dress is seasonally appropriate… it works.

      The suede shoes I am wearing frequently are wine, grey, and a light baby pink.

      And I think they look great with my bare legs.

      • Wedding shoes :

        That’s what I was hoping to hear. I hope others think that way too.

        • I do. I have come to think of suede as a year-round material. This spring so many manufacturers were making shoes in lighter shades of suede, clearly that was the intent.

          I wouldn’t think twice about wearing suedeto the office or a wedding

  31. I just moved to town. 30 something, single, attorney. How do you make friends?

    • Anonymous :

      Goat yoga.

      “Meet-up” group for a music interest.

      Walking my dog.

      Library book group.

      Told my friends who used to live in Chicago, and friends who know people in Chicago, to introduce me to friends that I should meet to “learn about the city”. Then contact them and ask if I can take them for coffee.

      I said hello to my new neighbor and asked how she was doing, and she invited me to Buddhist thing downtown…

      Joined a support group for family members of those with mental illness (NAMI). And found a friend who is great to vent to.

      One day asked my co-workers if anyone wanted coffee from Starbucks, and walked down with one of them and brought up coffee for others.

      Brought my grass volleyball net to a local park, set it up, and waited…

    • Do. the stuff you like. Be friendly to other people doing that stuff. Join groups.

      It sounds snarky, but isn’t meant that way. People can get so intimidated about meeting others, but those “others” need people too, so just be out there where you’ll run into each other. There are 168 hours in a week. If you work 60 of them and spend ten on self-care (including sleep) every day, then you have almost enough left for a FT job. Don’t get another job. Do whatever you enjoy regularly and you’ll meet other people doing it. I’ve lived in Austin, DC, Berlin and Tampa Bay and have met people at Amnesty International, the food co-op, pool, archive, concerts, bike shop and other places related to my interests. If there are clubs around what you like to do (Masters swimming, runners’ clubs: a friend was just in a parade with her Crossfit group, another sings in choirs), try one. If you’ve been too busy to cultivate hobbies, then start. Take language lessons or learn to play an instrument or get politically active or try out for a part in a play or volunteer or something else new to you.

      Make sure you’re also doing solo things that make you happy–growing veggies or flowers, shopping second hand and vintage stores for furniture and decor, robotics, hackathons, whatever. When new people cross your path, you’ll be much less needy and much more interesting.

      You’ll probably never again have the kind of solid true blue group you may have had at school, who were all in the same classes, studied and partied together and maybe dated each other’s exes. Instead, build up a network with some threads from this interest and some from that. It can take a while until you see the pattern, but can then be much more satisfying and resilient. If you tear your acl, you won’t see your tennis buddies much, but your single malt tasting group and music events will still happen, and you might meet new folks at PT.

      I’ve been assuming that you are single and childless. If you expect to change that at some point in your life, then think now about what you will want to look back on, or what you want to do that would be hard to combine with those responsibilities, and go do that.

      Enjoy!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Bar trivia! Oh or join the skee league? But mostly bar trivia.

    • Silvercurls :

      I’ve had good luck befriending people that I see regularly at religious services. It’s not always a “buddy to hang with” kind of relationship, though; rather more like “we’re always glad to see each other in this setting and at the socializing afterwards.”

      Of course, I’m not pushing religion (or meditation, or yoga, or anything else spiritual) if it isn’t your cup of tea!

    • Senior Attorney :

      Rotary Club! They may be older than you but they have kids your age. Plus it’s fun to have friends who are not at the exact same stage of life as you are.

  32. 50 year old. :

    Do. the stuff you like. Be friendly to other people doing that stuff. Join groups.

    It sounds snarky, but isn’t meant that way. People can get so intimidated about meeting others, but those “others” need people too, so just be out there where you’ll run into each other. There are 168 hours in a week. If you work 60 of them and spend ten on self-care (including sleep) every day, then you have almost enough left for a FT job. Don’t get another job. Do whatever you enjoy regularly and you’ll meet other people doing it. I’ve lived in Austin, DC, Berlin and Tampa Bay and have met people at Amnesty International, the food co-op, pool, archive, concerts, bike shop and other places related to my interests. If there are clubs around what you like to do (Masters swimming, runners’ clubs: a friend was just in a parade with her Crossfit group, another sings in choirs), try one. If you’ve been too busy to cultivate hobbies, then start. Take language lessons or learn to play an instrument or get politically active or try out for a part in a play or volunteer or something else new to you.

    Make sure you’re also doing solo things that make you happy–growing veggies or flowers, shopping second hand and vintage stores for furniture and decor, robotics, hackathons, whatever. When new people cross your path, you’ll be much less needy and much more interesting.

    You’ll probably never again have the kind of solid true blue group you may have had at school, who were all in the same classes, studied and partied together and maybe dated each other’s exes. Instead, build up a network with some threads from this interest and some from that. It can take a while until you see the pattern, but can then be much more satisfying and resilient. If you tear your acl, you won’t see your tennis buddies much, but your single malt tasting group and music events will still happen, and you might meet new folks at PT.

    I’ve been assuming that you are single and childless. If you expect to change that at some point in your life, then think now about what you will want to look back on, or what you want to do that would be hard to combine with those responsibilities, and go do that.

    Enjoy!

  33. 50 year old. :

    I’m in moderation.

    Basically, meet people by getting out and engaging in activities you like. You probably won’t find a ready-made group, but you will be able to experiment with your interests and find people with whom you share at least one interest.

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