Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

This sandal has been getting a ton of good reviews over at Nordstrom, and it comes in six colors, which is always a good sign. In general, Michael Kors is a well-liked brand around here — their MK Flex pump is always ranked highly with the readers — and in general this looks like a great, classic sandal. It’s got sort of a vintage vibe, but it also feels very modern. We’re featuring it in red, which I like, but it’s also got a bunch of neutral colors, including oyster, dark khaki, mink, black suede, and navy suede. It’s $98, which is very affordable, and it comes in sizes 5–11. Becky Slingback Sandal

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Comments

  1. Spelling Variations :

    For years I’ve been corrected when I use Canadian spelling. Given that I am neither in Canada nor Canadian myself, I will accept that I have to start using zed. But recently a coworker corrected me because my spelling of a technical term was out-of-date, and I should omit a certain vowel.

    The related government agency does seem to be using a modernized spelling on many of their recent webpages. Dictionaries all refer to the old spelling with a dipthong. So, would you change your spelling?

    • What word are you talking about?

      • Spelling Variations :

        Gage/Gauge. It’s only recently changed, even in the US

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          I just changed “gage” in someone’s writing to “gauge.” I thought they were two different words and I was only familiar with the latter for this particular usage. I’m also American in the US.

          • I have never seen gauge as gage. The internet does in fact say the latter is an alternate spelling, but I would spell it gauge personally.

            http://writingexplained.org/gage-vs-gauge-difference

        • Anonymous :

          Meaning “measure” – as in “the survey was intended to gauge public opinion”? It hasn’t changed in the US. “Gage” is grammatically incorrect in that context. I don’t think this is a US/Canada difference. I was born in the US and have lived here my whole life and have always understood that gauge is correct. American English drops the “u” in some words but usually after an “o”, like colour/color or favourite/favorite.

        • There is no dipthong in gauge.

        • Anonymous :

          It’s gauge in the United States.

      • I had this word as a major part of litigation in the central USA recently, in the context of river level measuring gauges. It was spelled both ways, interchangeably, in all the docs and by witnesses. After much research, we ended up using gauge, as that was the more common spelling among the engineers. I don’t think this is a Canadian/USA spelling thing, but rather a word that is spelled both ways. My dictionary says “Gauge, also gage.” So, in that case, it is a style matter as both are correct, and you should defer to the person with authority to make style decisions. If your coworker does not have that authority, you could stick with gauge.

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          Small world! The word that I changed in the document I referenced above was also a river level measuring gauge in litigation!

      • On the off chance that you are referring to gage in regards to railroad tracks, it’s a different spelling generally.

    • Anonymous :

      What’s the word? But yes, generally if you’re working in the US you should use US spelling and omit the extra vowel in something like colour/color. And do you mean “stop” using zed rather than “start”? Nobody in the US uses zed, that is Canadian/British.

    • do you mean you have to start spelling said word with a “z(ed)” rather than an “s”? Because yeah, that’s often standard for American spelling. I’d agree with the other poster that in the US, that letter is pretty exclusively called “Z” and not “zed” (so if you’re going to go American, make that switch as well)

      • also, is the vowel “u”? like o v. ou? yes, drop it, unless you write for the New Yorker (umlauts forever). this post is so oddly mysterious.

      • Spelling Variations :

        Exactly. “Analyse”, for example, I’ve had to change. But I am surprised that so many people code switch internationally.

  2. I haven’t had a positive experience with MK shoes, but these are cute!

    • I purchased these shoes in the dark khaki suede in March and have worn them to 7 weddings and a number of other events already. They have held up really well despite a ton of walking (and dancing) all summer. The only thing I don’t love about them is they are a bit tight in the toes, but it’s possible I should have just sized up.

    • I have a pair of MK perforated slides that are holding up well. Honestly, I bet it’s one of those brands that licenses out to so many different manufacturers that there’s not much consistency across styles in quality.

  3. I’m in the very early stages of wedding planning. One of the venues I’m looking at is in a state park. To get into the park, cars have to pay $10 for a day pass or $30 for an annual pass (good for all state land in the state). Is it problematic to make your guests pay for parking? It seems standard to me but my dad seems to think that’s not ok. I am planning on having a shuttle from the hotel. A friend who’s sister got married there said no one seemed to care. Most of the guests that lived in state had an annual pass, they encouraged people to car pool, and had a handful of backup day passes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    • My bil got married in a state park and they paid for all of the guests. A groomsman stood by the gate and paid for each car as it went through. Guests were encouraged to ride together and I don’t recall it being a lot. Anyone who had a pass used it.

      • right. You can estimate the number of cars based on guests and then just add that to the cost of your venue.

        • Anonymous :

          Easier said than done. I wouldn’t want to pay for 25 cars and only have 4 cars show up, or vice versa. That’s probably why the person you’re responding to said that a groomsman had to stand around.

          • Anonymous :

            I think she means estimate for purposes of budgeting. You’ll only pay for the number that show up.

          • I should have said, add that to your budget for the cost of the venue. Of course, you would still need someone there.

    • Sassyfras :

      If you aren’t going to offer to pay for it, I would highly publicize the fee as well as the shuttle from the hotel and perks of carpooling. I would be upset if I showed up to a wedding and no one told me about the parking fee, but as long as you do your best to inform everyone and offer alternatives, I think it’s fine.

    • Anonymous :

      I think it’s a little tacky to ask guests to pay for parking, but it’s not unheard of. Make sure all guests are aware of the cost and that they know they have an option to take a shuttle from the hotel. If guests who aren’t staying at the hotel can park for free there and ride the shuttle, advertise that too.

    • Anonymous :

      If you are having a shuttle from the hotel, can’t you pay for the day pass for the shuttle? I feel like paying to park may not be strange, but this is really paying to get into the venue. Hypothetically, if people were just getting dropped off at the park would they still have to pay?

      • Not the OP, but with every state park I’ve ever been to, you can walk in for free but you have to pay to park. It’s to help the state cover the cost of maintaining the lot.

    • Anonymous :

      If it were my wedding, I would offer a shuttle service and would also make sure all the cars were paid for like the example above.

      But if you aren’t going to, definitely make sure EVERYONE knows about it ahead of time.

    • Anonymous :

      Unless you’ve got a real outdoorsy guest list I wouldn’t assume most guests have a pass. In my state, a pass is only worth it if you go to state parks 10 or more times per year and I don’t know anyone who has one. I just pay the day rate whenver I go to a park.

    • $10 per carload doesn’t seem like it would be such a burden to pay for. I think it would be a gracious gesture, and FAR more likely to be appreciated than, say, favors by each plate or fancy flowers.

    • It’s an admission fee to your wedding venue. That’s tacky.

      I can’t quite put my finger on it exactly why, but I see it as very different than an urban wedding at, say, a restaurant or public library that just doesn’t offer parking at all. Maybe it’s because you c uld potentially have lots of ways to get to/from said venue. Yours? One option, driving/parking required.

      • Ok two options – the bus is available, too… but I still think you should foot the bill.

        • And I don’t really have problem footing the bill; I guess it just never struck me as being that different from when I’ve had to pay to park or take transportation to weddings in urban settings. I can see how the lack of options can make it feel different though.

    • Have you talked to the venue? They might have some suggestions.

      If you’re providing a shuttle then there’s no need to pay for parking. Mention the transportation plan on your website or an insert to the invite – shuttles are available from the hotel, parking is available at the event at a cost of $10 per car unless you have an annual pass and here’s the website for the state park if you want more info.

      I think your dad’s hesitation is this – you can’t make people pay a cover charge to attend your wedding. It’s totally fair to make people take care of their own transportation costs, though. A venue like a state park feels like a gray area when it’s remote enough that there’s no other reasonable way to get there so everyone has to pay the $10 to attend. Your shuttle takes care of that issue though. If people don’t want to pay for parking then they should take the shuttle.

      • Though if someone is not already a hotel guest, it may be even more expensive to pay to park at the hotel.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      Related question:my venue is on an island that has a small toll to get on the island. I’m fine paying for this for my guests, but I can’t logistically figure out how to do it because everyone will be arriving at different times. Short of just telling everyone I’ll pay them back, is there an elegant solution to this?

      • Anonymous :

        If the toll booth is manned by someone, can you see if they will provide you vouchers ahead of time? You buy $100 worth of vouchers and then provide them at the hotel for guests? If this is a small island, I bet they would work out a system like that with you.

        • Gail the Goldfish :

          The hotels are unfortunately on the island, so the toll comes before any centralized gathering location. I may be able to buy a voucher or ticket or something ahead of time, I just can’t figure out how to get them to guests (who are scattered all over the world). Would it be weird to just stick it in with invitations?

        • AttiredAttorney :

          At the small islands in my state, you can also pre-purchase the toll/admission for all the guests and they’ll give the toll collector a guest list and then your guests just have to say they’re with the Goldfish Wedding and give their name, and they’ll get the paid admission/toll ticket. But this is an island that has no more than two people collecting tolls at any time

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Could you give homemade parking voucher’s to your guests and then pay the venue for the number of vouchers they receive after the fact?

    • Linda from HR :

      Is everyone staying at the hotel though? If someone isn’t staying at the hotel, would they be able to park there for free and take the shuttle or would they need to drive to the venue? Something to think about. If everyone has the option of using the shuttle and driving there would be something people choose for convenience, that’s one thing, but if you have people who would need to drive and park there, they may not appreciate having to pay for it.

      • Even if they’re not staying at the hotel, I can’t imagine having space on the shuttle would a problem, though I am not to that point in planning yet.

        • Linda from HR :

          No I know, I wouldn’t worry about space on the shuttle, but think about how they’re getting to the pickup spot. It sounds like the shuttle goes from the hotel to the state park. Would they need to drive to the hotel? Could they park at the hotel without being guests at the hotel? Would there be long-term street parking nearby? Are they all taking public transit to where the shuttle picks up? Or will the shuttle be picking people up at their homes?

          • I’m not at that point in planning yet, but at a cursory glance, I believe they could park at or near the hotel for free. They would probably have to drive there.

          • I forgot to mention this in my original post, but I am also considering a second shuttle from a major traffic choke point that people could walk to or take public transportation to pretty easily.

    • I have actually been to weddings in a regional park where you have to pay a parking/entrance fee. It is absolutely no big deal. Everyone knows the park, they know there’s a few, and people who are concerned about it often ask for a ride from others.

      You have enough on your plate without worrying about this.

      Also, I find people who throw around the word “tacky” like the poster above are the tackiest people I’ve ever met. Much like the word “classy.” I can’t stand the use of either of these words. Major shade to people throwing them at you.

    • Don't do this :

      In my circle we would never stop talking about that time so-and-so made us pay to get in to her wedding. I would be annoyed.

    • Anonymous :

      Not okay at all. They aren’t paying for parking they are paying an entrance fee. You must cover it.

    • I should also add that I have no issue paying for it; it just surprised me that he thought it was mandatory. I view it as a parallel to paying for parking in a big city or paying for transit in lieu of parking. It now seems like I’m in the minority with that view. Thanks for all of your help.

      • I’m playing the role here of a guest who knows and likes you but isn’t your closest friend who will swim through shark-infested waters to be at your wedding. I want to be at your wedding, but if I got this invitation I’d be thinking, YRH! Make this easy for me. I want to be there, but sheesh … I don’t want to have to shell out for the park fee, and I really don’t want to have to fiddle with adding in all the extra time to get to the hotel and wait around for the shuttle and get to the site and then wait around for a shuttle afterward so I can get back to the hotel to get back to my car to get back home.

    • Jubilance :

      I got married on a university campus, and there was a big athletic event right next to our venue & parking garage. There was a $10 charge for parking – we informed our guests about the charge and that it was cash only. No one seemed to mind. Only about 20% of our guests actually drove & needed to park – most of our guests were from out of town & were staying at the hotel connected to our venue, so no need to park.

  4. Not an Actress :

    Our annual company retreat is in a month and each department is supposed to come up with a fun performance of some sort. My department found a little skit online and modified it to fit our context. We agreed to run through it a couple of times over the next month and decided that was sufficient.
    However, one person has become very concerned about our skit. She is constantly hounding us about scheduling rehearsal times (it’s a 5 minute skit!) and sends a lot of emails with her suggestions for changes and improvements. We’re in the middle of a pretty hectic time so the skit isn’t exactly a priority, but nobody seems to know how to address this with her. Any advice? She’s senior to me, although not my direct boss, and is typically the self-appointed leader of all group activities in our department.

    • I think solving this “problem” has almost no upside for you, and plenty of potential downside (causing friction with the woman or within the group, getting a reputation yourself of being overly concerned with the skit, etc). Can you just ignore her suggestions as much as possible and hope someone else steps into the breach?

      • +1

      • I kind of agree. I would just sort of follow along and roll my eyes internally. One thing to consider – have you done these before? You may be at one of those places that make a big deal out of these and (since you said she was senior) she may be trying to put you and your coworkers in the best position to be recognized by higher ups. I only mention this because it is “a thing” at my husband’s work and management makes a big deal over the good skits and who really shines during them. And even mentions them the next year. If that is the case, you may be grateful in the end that she is putting your group in a position to be recognized and is willing to brunt the eyerolling to do so :) but if not, then speaking up is probably going to create more drama and trouble than just politely following along.

        • Not an Actress :

          The skits are a new thing. We used to do an off-campus retreat day (fondly remembered as field trip day), but this year it changed to a half-day event in our multipurpose room. Maybe management is going to be watching the skits closely, but the consensus is that the shift is budgetary and the skits are a feeble attempt to have employees provide the entertainment.
          Side note- it’s ironic that this coworker is so devoted to the skit because she’s one of the top complainers about the change in venue, but maybe this is just her way of trying to get on board.

    • She probably has stage fright/performance anxiety. I am the go-to skit person in my office and I often think they go much better when everyone is stressed out and last-minute and kind of messing up and laughing at themselves, but I have had plenty of instances where people are so nervous about performing in front of others that they want professional-level dress rehearsals and so forth.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I hate skits. But PSA: my go-to for skits is to do [Insert Topic Here] Jeopardy! It’s easy and fun and always a big hit.

      PSA #2: If you have to give an entertaining short speech, do a top 10 list a la Letterman. Top Ten Reasons You Will Love This New Software. Top Ten Best Things About Working for This Firm. Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Retirement Party Guest of Honor.

      You’re welcome.

      • dunno about the Letterman — I feel like that’s pretty dated at this point. I agree that a go-to formula is a good idea, though.

  5. Tell Us A Secret! :

    Anon for whomever wants to be, reminder to feel free to comment or +1 to show support for those who share <3

    • I miss my friend who now has a toddler. We try to talk but the kid is always yelling in the background or needing something. I get it, I’m not mad, but it’s been 2 yrs since we’ve had a conversation where an entire thought was shared without interruption. sigh.

      • +1. I totally get that that’s how kids are, and is going to be part of our relationship from now on. But I miss the talks we used to have. We’re long distance, so phone calls/facetime are really our only options, so we can’t go out for “adults lunch” or whatever..

      • Rainbow Hair :

        I bet she misses you too.

        <3, A Toddler's Mom Who Misses Her Grownup Friends

      • Seriously. I miss all my mom friends, too.

        One of my closest(?) friends forgot my 30th birthday and a few weeks later invited me to go to her baby’s birthday party… I just couldn’t make myself go. Recently I’ve been leaving these types of gatherings (baby showers, baby birthday parties, weddings, dinners where people only discuss weddings/babies) and weeping for hours. #selfcare. I miss my friends so much, but feel so disconnected from them now. Plus, I want these things and they feel so out of reach.

        • I am right there with you. Even when I am over the moon happy for my friends at all these events, it’s very difficult not to come home and be so sad about not getting to have any of the life experiences and joy they’re getting. Even when I have other sources of joy and other life experiences.

      • +1 That’s so hard. I have found they come back though! Going on a trip to NYC with a friend who has a three year old. Never thought she’d find the time but things are easier now that he’s a bit older.

    • anonymous :

      Sometimes I don’t care that I’m single in my late 30s. I never wanted kids and sometimes the idea of someone living with me 24/7 seems annoying. But I’m too afraid to say this out loud in case the person I say it to has some amazing friend I should meet who’s meant to be my future spouse.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. Sometimes I go on a date and wonder if I’m just doing it to make everyone else happy.

      • anon for this too :

        I did (do) want kids, and I’d love to have a partner, but I find dating so demoralizing at this point that I am definitely only going on dates to make other people happy.

    • anonymous for this one :

      I wish people understood how much better off I am to be estranged from my relative. Everyone thinks there’s either something wrong with me for leaving or that I’m so sad and abandoned. The truth is, it took me years to free myself and I couldn’t be happier without them in my life.

      Stop feeling awful for me or looking at me funny, celebrate this with me, [email protected]!

      • Never too many shoes... :

        We celebrate your freedom!

      • Anonymous :

        I enjoy the same freedom and celebrate yours!

      • Anonymous :

        I’ll celebrate with you. I disagree that you have to love and support your family members blindly. Some family members are terrible. You don’t get to pick them and IMO, you don’t have to stick by them if you don’t want to.

        Here’s my secret — my family is fine, no major trauma or anything — but I don’t enjoy spending time with them. I’d much rather spend time with my friends. I am not sad that my parents are planning to move even farther away – I see them maybe twice a year now and they live two hours away. I have cultivated a family of friends where I live and am completely happy with this. I am sure there are people out there who will think I am a terrible person, but obligation to family for no reason other than you are related to them is good for you, not for me!

        • Family Anon :

          +1 to your second paragraph! Sometimes I struggle to explain this (to close friends), and this is so well-said.

      • Anonymous :

        Some other family members keep trying to “help” by “fixing” things between me and my sister. Look it’s clear we’re both happier never speaking to each other, why can’t they leave well enough alone? I DON’T LIKE HER AND I NEVER HAVE. I hope she’s happy, over there, in her city, where I don’t live, doing her thing, and not involving herself in my life. I wish her well, I just don’t want to talk to her.

        • Anonymous :

          This is my sentiment toward my terrible sister. I just wish she could be nicer to my lovely mum. But then, the sister is a martyr and only sees the awful in others, not in herself.

      • New Tampanian :

        +1

    • anonymous :

      THANK YOU to those friends who make big money and offer to pick up the check when we eat/coffee together. I don’t mean every time, and often I’ll refuse or insist on paying next time. Just know that it feels so wonderful to have the offer made since we both know you make probably double what I do. (PS I’ll go out with you and drink water and eat an appetizer any time, I love you and will always make it work, just know that, when you pay the few dollars that might not mean much to you, it hugely helps my budget, so thank you thank you)

      • THIS. When I was in grad school most of my friends were in standard full-time jobs. I made a huge effort to make sure I was pulling my weight when we went out, but my friends would often help me out in subtle ways (buying me a drink when everyone else was drinking but I was sticking to water for my budget, ordering food “for the group” and not letting me help on the bill, etc.). I appreciated it more than they will ever know, and now that I have a regular job I try to return the favor :)

      • +1 My friends have done this for me in the past, and it really meant a lot. So, like C, I try to return the favor now.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m 9 weeks pregnant! Only my husband knows. I really want to tell close friends and family but I’m also terrified something will go wrong so we’re trying to wait until after the 14 week appointment.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Yay! Good luck!

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Good luck! But honestly, tell your bestie so you have someone to support you, good or bad.

      • Congratulations!! I’m nine weeks pregnant, too — except that mine was donor egg IVF, after many, many previous failed rounds of IVF, so my close friends and family knew right away. I have to say, it is sad in a way that we don’t get to share our surprise news in the traditional way, but it is really nice to have all the support right now, get advice re: my fatigue and terrible morning sickness, etc.

      • Anonymous :

        Tell friends or family who you trust for emotional support. You’ll need it if something happens and they can be joyful with you as things progress.

      • Anonymous :

        Before 12 weeks I told whoever I would trust to keep it a secret and that I knew I would want to rely on if something happened. My parents, sister and two friends made the cut.

      • New Tampanian :

        YAY!! Congrats!!

    • anonymous :

      I wish I could adopt a mom. I didn’t get a good one and don’t have aunts or grandmas or anything like that. I just want the kind who brings me groceries I don’t need and who wants to talk too often and who I can cry on when things are tough and all of the things my friends get to have (and get to be annoyed by). I wish there was some way to get to have that… or an older sister or something.

      • Same. I had a good one, and she died when I was young.

        I ache for that adult family-intimacy and caring.

      • Anon for this :

        +1. I am estranged from my mother. It’s still painful, even though I’m happier for it. I want a mom who wants to be in my life and be warm and kind.

      • Yeah. My mother is far gone with dementia. She hasn’t been my mother for years. I miss her.

      • I totally get that! My mom died when I was 24, so I didn’t have the time with her as an adult that we both would have loved. She also loved New Orleans, so I always think how great it would have been for her to visit, but I moved here after she died. I had a surrogate mom here in N.O. and she passed away last year. Really hard to lose the second one.

      • I’m in the same boat. I’m estranged from mine and she wasn’t the kind of mom I wish I had had. My MIL tries to fill the void now, and she puts forth a lot of effort, but it’s not the same. A therapist once told me that mothering comes in many forms, and finding a job where I do a lot of it (and get paid for it) has helped a lot. That and a (slightly incompetent but caring) cleaning lady who dotes on me has been a (maybe strange) help.

      • Anonymous :

        My mom is pretty hard to take – mentally ill, spent a lot of my childhood not functioning very well, etc. My now-ex-husband’s mom was vicious to me. My current partner’s mom is loving, and kind, and hugs me, and welcomes me into their family, and raised the gentlest, most loving man. I don’t call her to chat or anything, but I know deep in my bones that if I had an emergency or needed a lasagna or got great, joyful news she’d be there for me.

        I hope you get a substitute mom. I suspect there are lots of loving, gracious, warm women who would adore to have you as an adopted daughter.

    • anonymous :

      I work from home as a freelancer.

      That does not mean I am free to babysit at any time, always available to meet up with you, secretly a trust fund kid, lazy, bored at home, a hermit, wanting to talk about nothing on the phone every day, going to always be ready to receive surprise company, etc.

      It means I am working super hard, when I’m not working I’m looking for work, I probably budget closer than some of my friends do (down to the dollar or sometimes to the penny), and I am often sleeping til noon because I was working til 4am. Stop assuming and stop making me feel like a jerk for not being as available to you as you want me to be!

    • Just because I am open about not ever wanting to have kids or marry someone with kids doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends’ kids and wouldn’t fully support my friends’ pregnancies. Don’t be afraid to invite me to hang with your family! Don’t be afraid to tell me you’re pregnant! I am thrilled for you! (I already get left out when talk turns to potty training or playground remodels, don’t leave me out of your whole life too!)

    • anonymous for this one :

      If you make big money (or inherit it or marry into it, etc.) and you’re inviting a group out whose incomes you don’t know, please don’t always choose super expensive places! I know you can afford it, but I hate having to miss out on the fun because I can’t and I feel really awkward when everyone splits the bill and I am doing math in my head to figure out living on ramen because everyone else wanted more wine or something. Please don’t make me always have to explain why I am turning down your idea of matching handbags or quick trips to paris or season tickets to the opera.

    • Anonymous :

      I started sleeping with a guy from my distant past, and while we had briefly mentioned (in casual conversation several months before we actually got in bed) not looking for anything serious, it’s been a month of regularly seeing each other it looks an awful lot more like dating. And he’s incredibly intelligent and nice and sweet and handsome (and he lost a massive amount of weight, over 100 pounds, and I am so happy for him but I also got naked with him before that so.)

      I’m terrified to admit that I like him, a good guy who could actually be good for me, instead of one of the multiple toxic people of the last 5 years of my life. I’m afraid that HE deserves better.

      I know I need to surface the conversation of what direction this is heading, but I’m also really terrified to do that.

    • Anonymous :

      I miss living alone. I love my family, but they are so needy and sometimes I’d just like to be able to get stuff done without constantly being interrupted to make lunch or find a hammer or fix the computer or explain this math problem RIGHT NOW.

      • Anonymous :

        Me too.

        I love my boyfriend, but sometimes, I just want to be alone. I’ve taken to getting up unreasonably early on weekends while he sleeps in so I can just sit around and feel alone in my space.

      • This! No kids, but I volunteer for work travel so I have peace and quiet and can sleep in the middle of the bed.

    • I am very happily married but would like to occasionally garden outside the relationship just for fun. My drive is significantly higher than my husband’s and the lack of frequency is starting to get a little frustrating. I have no emotional interest in other men but would like the physical outlet. I’d suggest opening things up with an approach of “don’t ask don’t tell you can do whatever you want when you’re out of town as long as you’re safe and the other person doesn’t know about it” but I definitely don’t think he’d handle it well. And I wouldn’t go ahead with it without him being ok because I’d be terrified of how hurt he’d be if he ever found out. It’s just frustrating that I love my relationship in all other aspects but this.

      • Anonymous :

        +1

      • Would he be open to swinging? My husband and I started doing that. He is the high-libido partner in our relationship, but doing this together has increased my sex drive. We have sex with other people and more sex together. We are both happier this way.

      • If I decided to let a guy sleep with me in the futre, I would NOT like it if he wanted to “garden” with another woman. By the same token, I would NOT want to garden with any other person. All the men I am meeting these days are cereal-gardeners, meaning, as Dad told me, that they want to dip their wicks into multiple inkwells, other then mine. I did NOT understand this until I GOGELED it. Once I did, I knew it was true. I recomend to the HIVE that you read the new book “Becoming Cliterate”, b/c it shows that there are alot of lessons we can teach men about giving US pleasure for a change. If anyone in the HIVE has read it, I would LOVE to hear your opinion. I think that men shoudl also read this book so that they knew what it is that we need as women. YAY!!!

      • I forgot to tell the HIVE that I have been reading a new book that my mom read about in the NY TIMES and recomended to ME, by Dr. Laurie Mintz, titeled “Becoming Cliterate”. You should NOT have to garden outside of your marrage if you read this book. I have NOT finished it — it is over 250 pages, but I am learning alot from it. Dr. Mintz is a great writer. She describes that all of what we learned in magazines is wrong. We must forget about what Cosmo or Marie Clair says about doeing things just for MEN. They must be educated to please US, as women and fulfil OUR need’s. She teaches us how to teach men how to do this and we MUST read this. Eve Ensler recomends Dr. Mintzes’ book also. I think that once we are empowered, we will NO longer be subjugated to men’s focus on their pleasures, and will become better couples b/c we will NOT just watch them huff and puff and then roll over and leave. FOOEY on that! For those who can not find the book, mom got it at Barnes and Nobel in Long Island, and it is probably here also in Manhattan. YAY!!!!

    • I don’t want to tell my boyfriend I don’t think I want kids. He wants kids and has been very open about this, but I’ve just never really seen myself having kids. He keeps trying to have the conversation and I keep avoiding it because everything else between us is so great. I’m worried that this is a dealbreaker for both of us. Even though I know it’s not fair to stay in a relationship when I know we want different things, I don’t want to give him up.

      • Anonymous :

        This is such a hard issue – hoping everything works out happily, whatever that ends up looking like. I’m going through a divorce right now (after a twelve year relationship) because I never ended up changing my mind about having kids like everyone told me I would, and the only compromise I was okay with (a polyamorous relationship where my husband could have kids with another woman) wasn’t okay with him. But I’m still really glad for the time I spent with my ex and would do it all over again, especially because I’m not worried about my biological clock.

      • I got divorced after 8 years because it also turned out that I never changed my mind like everyone said I would. My ex and I had other differences (sort of a city mouse, country mouse thing), but we’re great friends and learned so much from each other.

        Two years after my divorce, I met someone and it was different. I knew from the very start that I wanted to spend my life with him AND that I wanted a family with him. Maybe my desire to not have kids with my first husband was a sign. (Or maybe it was the last gasps of my biological clock in my mid 30s.) Anyways, if you don’t want kids, discuss that now. It’s painful, but better than divorce.

    • I’m terrified of how sad I’m going to be when my kids leave for college (2 and 4 years from now) and worried that I won’t be happy with just my husband.

      • Empty nest :

        When my son went off to college I completely lost it with grief. It was the hardest transition ever. I went into therapy, started taking celexa and have finally adjusted. He graduated this year and I’m so proud of him. Much harder transition for me than I anticipated.

    • Anon-nah-nah :

      I fear my husband and I having more kids (have a one-year old now, the first for both of us) because he doesn’t help enough around the house as it is with the one kid.

    • Anon for this :

      My secret is that I am watching these (NSFW) dog videos in my office and giggling like a maniac:

      http://www.foundfootagefest.com/2015/03/special-delivery/

      http://www.foundfootagefest.com/news/special-delivery-remix/

    • I hate everyone who is pregnant. I hate that I feel this way, too.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes, i hate everyone who has a loving spouse and a family that includes kids. And, I hate myself for thinking this.

      • I say “I hate you” in my head whenever I pass a pregnant woman. We now have a kiddo through foster care after years of IF treatments but am still resentful that the journey was so much harder for us and that I will never get to hold my own newborn.

      • +1

    • anonymous :

      I’ve started seeing my ex again and sleeping with him. We started talking again a few months ago and he came to visit and stayed with me. It’s been good, so far. Slow going and he’s trying really hard. I don’t feel about him how I did. I just don’t trust him yet to be open enough and I guess I’ve changed. But it’s still nice to have him in my life and listening. I can’t really tell my friends because they wanted me to break up with him but I feel like I have my head on straight about it this time.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m just feeling blah in general. For the past several months, I have had increasingly little motivation for my job at a nonprofit organization, especially because we are asked to do more tasks without a salary increase, and it makes me feel bad because I care about my students. I’m also sad when I hear about my friends doing fun things, like traveling and going to activities. My net income is under 1900 per month with rent 50%, student loan payments, dog food, phone, electricity, internet, water, and my two credit card payments. I can’t even afford groceries or anything fun, and I don’t know what I’d do without my boyfriend, who makes even less than I do per month at the same organization, but he buys the groceries for my apartment as well as his, and he pays for all of our dinners out when we hang out with friends or have an occasional date.

    • After our second child, I was adamant that my husband get a vasectomy so we don’t have any more. Fast forward three years after said surgery… we haven’t LGP not even once.

      I feel terrible because I was very adamant that he get this and he conceded even though he’s a very devout Catholic.

      • anonymous :

        I’m so sorry. That’s a really sucky situation.

      • Oh my goodness.

        what… is he punishing you?!?

        I’m so, so sorry.

      • Why did the LGPs stop? Did the procedure take away his drive? I am familiar with vasectomies (my DH got one too) but didn’t know this was a potential side effect. But there’s no need for you to feel guilty about wanting it as it is by far the safest choice for birth control. Have you discussed this issue with a doctor?

        • Anonymous :

          It isn’t a potential side effect of vasectomies. Testosterone is still made by the testes at normal levels after vasectomy and deposited in the bloodstream.

          This is his choice…. for whatever reasons….

      • It sounds like he thinks he will be sinning by having sex now. Could he confess his vasectomy? Could he consider that there is always a chance it didn’t take? What did you guys do for birth control pre kids?

      • Anonymous :

        I hate religion. I really do.

    • Anonny Dreamer :

      Almost weekly I have at least one dream with my ex in it. We broke up about 4.5 years ago and last year he married the chick I was always worried about when we were together. The dreams are usually some sort of confrontation or me proving myself as better than her. Before you say “go to therapy” – I do. I know we weren’t a good match. I don’t miss him. So it’s really weird to me. Meh.

    • Anonymous :

      I broke up with my long-term boyfriend and simultaneously took a job cross-country that is closer to family. It seemed like the right time to make the move cross country, but now I’m supposed to move in at the end of the summer and am starting to feel like I made a terrible mistake and wish I could stay. I see the possibility that it will be great, but feel exhausted when I think about moving, starting a new job, making new friends, etc.

      • anon for this one :

        did this too, feared it too, made the move because I forced myself to honor the commitment to the new company… and discovered I was so so right to have left the wrong relationship and started the new job. Fear of unknown is often scarier than staying in a wrong situation, just remind yourself that it’s okay to fear, it’s not okay to live in fear. You’ll do awesome!

    • I think I also like women but I love my boyfriend and we’re headed towards marriage so I’ll probably never get to know for sure.

      • As someone who’s been on the other side of this situation, I would encourage you to consider talking about this with your boyfriend and a lgbt-positive therapist if you have not already done so.

    • no gardening here :

      I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m just not interested in gardening. I’ve never been enthusiastic and when I finally did it the experience was unbearably painful (multiple “LGPs”, always painful to the point of sobbing). And yes, I’ve been to mental/physical therapy for it. Turns out it’s a physical problem with the added bonus of me falling in the ace spectrum. I’m afraid I’ll never meet someone that understands, and I definitely don’t have friends to talk about it with.

      Didn’t mean for that to be a novel. Long story short-no garden parties, ace, and no like-minded friends

  6. Paying a Petsitter :

    Live in LCOL area, pet sitter (young woman in her 20s) would need to come twice a day, no need to walk anybody, just feeding and litter scooping so timing is approximate (morning and evening) but no exact time required. Am fine with her watching tv or even DVRing things to watch as I know she doesn’t have cable. She lives one street over from mine.

    What should I pay? (Plan to use her approx. 1x/month ranging in visits from 4-10 days at a time.)

    • Medium COL area, we’re paying $20 per visit (40/day) for exactly this for our cats. It’s the typical rate in my area

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      My petsitter’s usual rate is $40/night, $25 for a single visit and that is what she charges when she watches my diabetic cat and dog. She usually stays over with the dog. Recently, though, we were bringing our dog with us and could board the cat for $15/night. I offered to pay her $25/night to watch the cat at my house (still twice daily visits because of the insulin) and told her I understood if she didn’t want to cut her rate but I didn’t want to give her business to the boarder without talking to her first. She took the $25/night.

    • Anonymous :

      MCOL area, pay $22/visit for this sort of thing. I only have him come once a day though, so maybe if you have 2x/day then it would be slightly lower per visit. I don’t think you can count the tv as much of anything. You benefit from them having extra attention as much (or MORE) as she might benefit from cable.

    • HCOL here, I pay $25/visit (second visit in the same day is an extra $15/visit). I also get a daily update from them by email with adorable cat pictures, which makes it all worth it :)

  7. Tan suede shoes? :

    Cute shoes. Are suede shoes generally accepted as a summer shoe now? I’ve seen posters here discuss…I have (Talbots) tan suede wedge heels that I considered winter/spring only, but I’m seeing suede shoes all over the place for summer. It still seems off to me, but I don’t have dressy summer shoes to match some dresses so maybe I’ll just accept this trend!

    • Flats Only :

      I like tan suede as a “nude for me” option in the summer, mainly because I think tan patent just looks funny. I wouldn’t wear black suede in the summer, but navy, tan or another color in suede seems fine.

    • I would probably not wear black suede shoes in summer but just about any other color, sure, especially the lighter colors.

      I think it has to do with the styling too. Summery suede shoes tend to be more open.

  8. Anonymous :

    Help me decide (or give me thoughts at least) -should I move back to NYC? Lived there for 7 yrs. Never loved it – paying a lot of money for a small apartment; shared laundry; couldn’t keep a car etc. So left 3 yrs ago and moved to DC. It’s fine but I find myself just not liking it much – job; the people I’ve met (not all people of course); weather etc. BUT I have a nice apartment and car and “luxuries” like laundry which I truly wanted along with a low cost of living. And yet I miss the true walkability of NYC, and now I find myself saying – those hassles weren’t THAT bad. I’m in a situation where I will be networking around a bit to figure out next moves. Better professional opportunities for me in NYC (I think). Do I just bit the bullet and move back? I don’t know if I can explain it better – I just feel like I have nicer things here and that’s what I wanted and yet on a people/human level – I just don’t feel like I “fit.” I feel like this whole city is geared towards families (at my age – mid 30s) and if you don’t have kids/spouse/significant other/and aren’t trying for that – you just don’t fit. People are nice to you of course but in that surface level way before they go back to talking about preschools, summer camps and how their commute last night made them miss the first half of soccer etc.; and people in my boat are much younger – still talking about the college/law school days so I don’t fit there either. I guess in NYC I didn’t feel as “left out” — even people with families weren’t discussing them much and the life situations were more varied across the board. But I don’t know if “fit” is a reason . . . .

    • If NYC isn’t the right spot and you’re not feeling like DC is the right spot, what about considering some other places? Maybe somewhere with walkable downtown or parks or whatever you like, that’s more LCOL that’s also good for your industry? I’ve lived all over the country and have found that sometimes people figure out their fit by narrowing down their priorities in cities and then choosing the right fit based on this knowledge. It sounds like you’ve gotten pretty good at narrowing things down to know where to begin to look?

    • Minnie Beebe :

      My advice: move to Chicago!

      • Anonymous :

        Why Chicago? Can you elaborate?

      • Aunt Jamesina :

        Hah, I was going to say the same thing! Chicago is great because you can have a very walkable lifestyle if you pick the right neighborhood and the cost of living is significantly lower than NYC and even DC.

        I would say people are more family-oriented for those in their 30s than NYC, though in my experience, more people with children in Chicago move to the suburbs and kind of self-select out. IME, friends with kids in NYC tend to stay more often. No idea if that’s just my perception, though.

      • Yes to Chicago! Apart from not being coastal (something I miss as an East Coaster—you have to get used to the feeling of not being in the center of the universe), Chicago has so much of what New York has. There is no other city like New York— it’s a thing unto itself so Chicago can’t replace that. BUT… walkable neighborhoods, amazing food and culture, very good public transportation, job opportunities in every sector. And a real “big city” feel with a better COL than New York.
        And our garbage goes in alleys, not on the street:)

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Yeah, I was thinking the same thing! Walkable (no car needed depending on where you live), cheapAF compared to NYC, beautiful, fun…

      • anonymous :

        I agree! Chicago is like NYC-lite. So you get so many of the great things you love about NYC (job opportunities, culture beyond one industry like in SF/DC/LA, walkability, public transit, city-feel, diversity, stuff to do/see/eat, etc.) but with some of the better parts like lower cost of living (compared to DC and NYC), and amenities like living 10 minutes from where you work and having in-unit laundry, parking (if you want a car), a doorman, and a real bedroom. There are loads of single people in their 30s so you aren’t an anomaly, either. You are clearly already prepared for the winters, just move here already! I always say Chicago is the perfect mix of midwest nice but city sophistication. So people will mind their own business but also say “bless you” if you sneeze on the sidewalk.

        All this being said, fit is absolutely a reason to move!

      • +1 to Chicago. I was a ride-or-die East Coaster (NYC/BOS/PHL/DC) for the vast majority of my life, then a professional opportunity brought me here and I’m soooo glad I got to experience this. I never would have known how much easier things could be, while not compromising on all the things I love (urban living, short commute, fantastic bars and restaurants, culture, parks and trees, international airport, etc etc). Does it have its negatives? Yes, but for me they are far outweighed by the positives.

      • Anonymous :

        If you find people your age in DC to be too family oriented, Chicago will be a nightmare. I love the city, but as a native New Yorker who has lived in DC, Boston, and LA as an adult, I was blown away when I moved to Chicago — how early people settle down, have kids, and pivot completely to a family centered life was very unfamiliar. My experience is that relative to any East Coast city, the percentage of singles in their 30s is uncomfortably low, though you could research this (maybe my perception is skewed). But if that is your issue with DC, I would hesitate to recommend Chicago, even if I enjoy the city in most other respects.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Not sure I can help. Your DC experience is wildly different than mine was. The cost of living in DC is almost as unreasonable as it is in NYC, unless you’re going to live in a bedroom community 45 minutes outside the city line. And DC in general is geared towards 20-somethings, not families. In order to have a family, most people move outside the city.

      Fit is a legitimate reason to move, though. I’m much happier in my smaller city than I was in DC due to the type of people who tend to live in the two places. If you moved back to NYC, would you be able to command a higher salary, giving you a few more creature comforts? (Probably not a car, though.)

      • +1 – the OP’s description of where she lives sounds much more like where I currently live (smaller city) than it does DC, at least from what I remember of it. Although I have similar fit issues to what the OP describes with where I’m living, and I wouldn’t move to NYC for any reason, so there’s that.

      • Anonymous :

        OP here – ok to be fair I am defining DC to include Arlington (the “cool” parts like Clarendon, Ballston etc. – not the true suburbs). Sure the city proper and the luxury condos in Clarendon may be over run by 20 yr olds, but there are TONS of families everywhere you look – from DC to Clarendon to Falls Church to of course Bethesda/McLean etc. Might also be that a good number of people I’ve met in their 30s moved to DC/Arl. bc they were ready for families – left NYC for a house/backyard situation. Of course I have nothing against families/kids etc. — it’s just that when you don’t have that in a place where everyone does conversation EVERYWHERE naturally centers around daycares and camps etc. I just didn’t find that to be as true in Manhattan (and I wasn’t 20 when I was there, I was 34 when I left).

        We can agree to disagree but I don’t think it’s anywhere near as expensive as Manhattan.

        • Anonymous :

          Move to 14th street. You cant include Arlington if you arent including new jersey when you think of new york. You are comparing the suburbs of DC to the heart of NYC. I moved from DC a year ago. EVERYONE I knew was single (mid 30s) going out to dinner, happy hours, etc everynight, and no one I knew had a car.

          • +1 – I am mid-30s without kids and you have precisely described my life and that of my friends.

          • This was my life before I moved. I didn’t drive more than 3 times the three years I was in DC.

          • +1 Mid 30s no kids, live off of 14th Street and have lots of friends in the same boat. Petworh and MtP too.

        • Try moving somewhere else in D.C. I don’t think you get the D.C. experience by living in Arlington.

        • Green Hat :

          No part of Arlington is cool. Come to DC proper. Go out on 14th St. or H St. or the hipster bars scattered around Bloomingdale or Petworth. You will not hear anything about daycares or camps. – signed a 29 year old with a kid in DC proper who feels very out of place with her (mostly single) friend group when we go out

          • Anonymous :

            Sorry I know this will offend – but a lot of the parts of DC mentioned above are not places I’d want to live. They feel like the hood to me. I know they’re not etc. but given the higher crime rate and how much quieter the city is, I don’t want to be in some of these places.

          • Anonymous :

            lol enjoy the suburbs then. I don’t know what to tell you- 14th street does not have a higher crime rate then NYC. You are living in the suburbs, calling it D.C., and comparing it to NYC. Try woodley park or DuPont at least- easiwr to get around the city than from Arlington. (Agree that no part of Arlington is hip)

          • Green Hat :

            I disagree wholeheartedly, but regardless, I didn’t say live in any of those places, just hang out there. if you can afford to live in DuPont or Logan you can have a relatively safe neighborhood (safer than any most parts of Manhattan, that’s for sure) and an easy walk, cab or metro to many more lively areas. The going out scene in Arlington is not even remotely close to that in DC proper.

          • Anonymous :

            Plenty of 20-30s young people living in Arlington, and we are plenty “cool”. Also plenty of families, but certainly not the same dead vibe as true suburbs like Reston, Fairfax, Woodbridge, etc. I’m happier to not pay the premium of living in DC just to say I live in DC and live two stoplights from the city.

        • Yep, this. Arlington, even the trendy areas, is still very suburban. NoMA was the hot spot for late 20s about 2 years ago – not sure if it still is. (I am a mid-30s suburban dweller, so I wouldn’t know.)

          I wonder, though – as time passes, you’re going to get older, so won’t you still run into people doing the kid thing in NYC? I think this somewhat might be a fact of life/aging, not necessarily city.

          • Anonymous :

            Your second paragraph was where my mind went as well. And also agree with your first paragraph. I’ve been in DC for 10 years now (since college graduation). Lived in DC for the first half of that time and didn’t meet many people with families, honestly (working on the Hill helped). Then moved to Arlington and was one of the first in my friend group to have kids, now people are catching up. I think your shift in age group has a lot to do with this, as well as your location within “DC”.

          • @OP – I lived with New Yorkers when I was a summer associate in D.C. They didn’t like it (and they frequently annoyed my small-town-girl self by complaining about all the ways D.C. was inferior to NYC). I think some people just don’t like D.C., and it sounds like you’re one of them.

            But I also agree that friends having kids is likely to be a problem anywhere you go once you’re older than about 32 or so.

        • Oh yeah the issue is where you live. Arlington is all early to mid-20s and families. I’m also mid-30s without kids and all of my friends without kids (both single and coupled) live in the District. Everyone with kids lives in the suburbs (including Arlington). I definitely agree with the poster above who said you should move to the 14th St area. The Dupont/14th St area is solidly gentrified if that’s a concern for you.

    • anonymous for this one :

      Columbus has great walk scores in some areas, super LCOL, and may offer the city life you want, pricing you want, and is a short flight to visit NYC/DC/wherever!

      • Green Hat :

        Are you kidding me? Columbus is one of the most family-centric cities I know of. Definitely way worse than Arlington!

        • another anon :

          I travel there often for work and have found that the suburbs are pretty family based but the downtown/short north/etc. areas are great for younger people and most are intelligent due to the schools in the area too!

    • Move to Jersey City. Super walkable, easy commute to Manhattan, and I have en-suite laundry in a massive apartment.

  9. signature style :

    What is the wardrobe/jewelry/etc. piece that is your signature piece? Or maybe it’s a color you always wear? How long has this been your thing?

    • Anon for this :

      It feels weird to go “Anon for this” but it’s so much my thing that anyone who knows me would instantly call me out.
      Purple. It was my school color in undergrad, but I’ve always loved it and I look great in purple of almost any shade. I could wear at least one purple article of clothing every day for 3 weeks with no repeats. Weirdly, this is just clothes. My house has no purple in it, and I don’t use purple pens or anything like that. But I have to actually stop and think about my wardrobe to keep from wearing purple every day.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m not you, but I love purple too and look great in it. Surprisingly, it’s not a big part of my wardrobe but I do have some great accessories with purple I guess my thing is hermes scarves. I lurve them.

    • Anonymous :

      Pixie cut + dresses every day: t-shirt dresses in the office, sheath dresses for meetings.

    • I always wear a large (like knuckle-to-knuckle) statement ring on my left hand. And mostly black clothes. I am trying to branch out but 5/6 of my wardrobe is black. The former ~ 15 years. The latter since graduating college.

    • Pearls. I am obsessed. I wear some form of pearls every day, including weekends.

    • Linda from HR :

      Red. Dyed red hair, red lipstick, red clothing (but not all the time, I promise). I love red. It’s powerful and s*xy. Short hair too, and winged eyeliner when not at work.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      (At work) I always wear a sheath dress with elbow length sleeves. For more casual days, it’s in a casual fabric (like a teeshirt dress), maybe with flats; for fancy days I step it up with something in a more suit-like material with heels. In between, there are lots of abstract floral patterns or fun colors in comfy jersey.

      A new receptionist, after about a week, asked me my name and said, “I’ll remember you because you always have pretty dresses.” It made me feel like a million bucks.

      • I’d love to know your favorite places to get dresses. After years of wearing pants, I really want to start wearing dresses, but I’m at a loss for where to start.

        • +1!
          Elbow length sleeve dresses are my dream!,,

        • Anonymous :

          Boden, Banana Republic, Vince Camuto, random Kohls and Macy’s brands, I live in right above the knee, elbow sleeve dresses, with pockets, the fabric may change a bit ponte, cotton stretch, wool and the hemline changes from fit and flare or Sheath.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      I wear virtually all neutrals (think Claire Underwood’s wardrobe, but with probably 10% of her elegance!) except for a vivid red shade that’s my favorite and just suits me.

    • anonymous :

      (1) Leopard print and neutrals (and well, leopard is a neutral) (2) Diamond-and-sapphire earrings I wear almost every day (3) my long hair worn down (4) scarves, mostly Hermes, but you know I have some leopard ones :) (5) sneakers (6) fancy handbags.

    • Anonymous :

      My watch. I’ve worn one daily since 7th grade.

      And earrings.

  10. Anonymous :

    Mostly a rant here:

    The other day I felt the need to move most of my hard liquor into my room, where one couldn’t see any of it from the doorway, to keep people from drinking it without my permission.

    The background is this: my roommate, a guy about my age (late 20’s), has started dating a 20 year-old woman, who has a boyfriend. She comes over, they drink and hang out, then end up in the bedroom. The whole thing rubs me the wrong way, especially the infidelity, but he’s a grown man and he can do what he wants, so I’m not gonna give him a hard time for it.

    However, the other day I found two nip bottles that I’m pretty sure were mine, empty in the recycling. Not cool, but it’s what, two shots? I was annoyed on principle but seemed silly to get upset about. Then I realized two of my rum bottles – good rum – were both noticeably less full than they had been recently, despite my not having touched them in a while. Okay, now I’m a bit mad.

    We generally don’t touch each other’s liquor (I think he asked me for some of what I had once, maybe, but that was it), we never agreed it would be a shared household resource, and I am definitely not comfortable with him either giving to his technically underage gardening partner before they get to work, nor am I okay with him letting his guests help themselves to my stuff in general. Boundaries, people!

    Knowing him, I was sure a confrontation wouldn’t end well, and he’s moving out soon anyway, so I decided to just move my stuff out of the kitchen. If he asks, I’ll just say I decided it didn’t look good to have my booze on top of the fridge, which is technically true.

    • Sounds like you’ve 100% landed on the best, smoothest, and most appropriate solution here. Very mature! (For whatever reason, that sounds sarcastic, but I mean it sincerely).

      • Linda from HR :

        Whew, that’s glad to hear. I was (and still am) a little worried people were gonna jump down my throat for that decision.

    • What a jerk! Roommates = shared space, not shared food and booze, unless specifically agreed otherwise.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Don’t drink other people’s liquor. Sheesh.

      I think you handled it well.

      Funny story: My son has this one particular friend who, when DS was living with me a couple of years ago after he got out of the Marines, would regularly think nothing of drinking half a bottle of my expensive Scotch. Fast forward to now, and DS is thinking of moving in with this guy. I told him I was all for it and I can’t wait to come over and drink all their booze!

      • Linda from HR :

        Oh jeez, poor son may be in for a rude awakening, and some important life lessons on how to choose a roommate. Lord knows I’m gonna be picky from here on out. Don’t just live with friends, live with responsible friends.

        And I only recently learned about my dad’s stash of good scotch and whiskey. He keeps is separate from the household’s general stash of hard liquor, in a whole other room, in just a regular cabinet no one would think to look for booze in. I have a smart dad.

        • Senior Attorney :

          HAHA you do have a smart dad!

          On a related note all the guys came over a few weeks ago when DS was visiting. I was so impressed at how nicely they cleaned up after themselves, until I realized it was because they didn’t want us to see the mountain of empties! :p

    • I once suspected that my roommate was drinking my gin (it seemed like it was disappearing faster than I would drink it but I was not 100% sure) and a few days later she asked me and the third roommate if she had been drinking someone else’s booze and I said yes. Her response was “you didn’t seem like a gin drinker”.

      So I have done the same. Same roommate drank (a more expensive) beer of mine on another occasion so I didn’t exactly trust her (and she made a big deal of replacing it…). Generally, after that if there was anything nice I kept it in my room.

      • I forgot to add that when I noticed the gin was disappearing I moved the bottle to my room. :)

  11. Two Cents :

    Recommendations on an excellent dermatologist in DC proper (Friendship Heights would be ok too), ideally near a metro? I have this patch on my cheek that sometimes get inflamed and I want to get it checked out. I really like the one I go to now (Dr. Joy Chen) but Rockville is way too far and inconvenient. Thank you!

  12. Any ‘rettes live in Orlando/surrounding area? We are considering a move to be closer to family. I grew up in the state and have ties all over but don’t know much about living in Orlando. It’s a good compromise for my and DH’s careers compared to other cities. Would love to hear if others have firsthand experience.

  13. Vent: I just had a piece of artwork delivered to my house. The delivery people (one women, one man) explained three times how “my husband” needed to hang the art. Not only did I understand the first time, but I don’t have a husband, and my non-live-in boyfriend is the least handy person ever. So after they left, I hung it. Alone.

    • Linda from HR :

      Psh, rude! Hate when guys think certain tasks should on;y be handled by men. Women can definitely hang art!

      I need to learn/practice that skill though. I have zero experience with hammers and drills and that’s not great.

      • You almost certainly don’t need a drill! They make hooks rated to hang something up to 100 lbs and you only need a small hammer to hang them and no stud finder.

        http://www.sendaframe.com/new_fgallery/items/24486.shtml?a=frame&gg=froogle_24486&gclid=CjwKEAjw16HLBRDF9L2UmOCH7U8SJAASVESo1iXJF19hx-lwF4KvvU2BXmvQ3fUFSbW6m3OEF8DrERoCaOTw_wcB

        I’ve used that kind of hook to hang a mirror that definitely weighed about 60 lbs (heavy solid wood frame) and they absolutely work. I did need help to hang it, but the person who helped me was my mom.

      • Eager Beaver :

        I love these for art and photos less than 40 lbs: https://m.acehardware.com/product/index.jsp?productId=20016726&KPID=15436742&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-_Hardware_and_Parts&pla=pla_15436742&k_clickid=677da2d3-6de4-4822-a785-506b0cffc3a0.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      WTF. Perhaps you’re supposed to hang it from a pen!s?

  14. Grilled cheese :

    Has anyone used Miss Now Mrs or a similar name-changing service? Am thinking about the regular package but would also love to hear if the premium is worth it. Thanks!

    • Seems like the only real difference is the pre written envelopes and the stamps. If you’d rather address them yourself and pay for stamps, do that. If it’s worth the money in your budget not to deal, let them do it! It’s really more about what you have in terms of time vs. money (both for the regular vs. premium packages and for the service vs. doing it yourself)!

    • Anonymous :

      I was gifted the miss now mrs service and found it 100% useless. I wouldn’t recommend it. Way easier to google what you need to do and do it all yourself.

    • I used it a while ago after my divorce and found it helpful.

    • I have not heard of this before. What is this service exactly? Is it software based or just people?

  15. I have first round interviews in management consulting coming up next month and am still on the hunt for the perfect interview top. Any recommendations for a solid-color, fitted, interview top? Hopefully sub-$100, and not button up.

    • Also in Academia :

      Are you OK with jersey knit (I’m in an informal field). If so, Calvin Klein jersey knit crew neck top. Widely available at Macy’s and the like, also Nordstrom Rack. I’ve gotten a couple for $25 each lately but I think they are maybe $40 full-price? Also, I’ve seen the Anne Klein v-neck top on sale lately in various internet ads, and Ann Taylor is having a sale – I like their crepe blouses that have crew necks.

    • For interviews, I always wore a sleeveless silk or cashmere blend sweater underneath my suit jackets in either light blue or beige or cream. You can find them anywhere, usually as part of a twinset. I loved how they never wrinkled and were not sheer. I also like silk shells from st. John, but they are dry clean only.

  16. Newbie Hostess :

    What am I going to forget to do for house (apartment) guests this weekend? I’ve cleaned everything, changed the sheets, and stocked the fridge. The guests are my mother and grandmother. They’ll take the 2 bedrooms and I’ll take the couch. I feel like I just don’t know how to be a good host!

    • Do you have spare toiletries, tooth brushes, etc. on hand? You could just have them available or make a little guest basket. I like to have bottled water for the bedrooms, too.
      Are there clocks? (I know that sounds silly but my older relatives never think to use their phones for the time!)

      I’m sure your family will love the visit! Caring about others’ comfort is the key to being a good host, and you’re already there.

      • err, as a certified “older,” it’s not that I don’t *think* to use my phone, I don’t want to. I’m trying to live my life not tied to a screen. But of course, I”ll use it when traveling, if I need to.

    • Relax. They’re family. They know you and don’t expect you to put on some “perfect hostess” persona.

    • Clean sheets and towels + something for breakfast and whatever they prefer in their coffee if they drink it are the things I always try to make sure I have for guests. (Breakfast can mean fruit and toast, it doesn’t have to mean omelettes or anything fancy. Just some readily consumable calories.) It sounds like you’ve got it covered. Don’t stress!

      • +1 to coffee. The only thing I get grumpy about as a houseguest is when I don’t have coffee available first thing in the morning, but that’s a me-problem, not them. If they drink it, you would be going above and beyond if you set yours with a timer to be ready as soon as they normally wake up, and told them at night to feel free to help themselves to the mugs, it’ll be ready at 7am (or whatever). Everything else, I’m just grateful to spend time with good friends or family.

        • Agree — it makes me grumpy if it’s not there, but it’s absolutely a me problem. I usually ask if they will have coffee, and if not I can bring a french press and my own grounds.

    • Anonymous :

      when female relatives who are older come to visit, my house ends up cleaner.

    • Anonymous :

      wash cloths are nice. some people only put out bath towels, but I never know how to wash my body without a wash cloth or pouf (but I hate traveling with my pouf)

    • So good at adulting :

      Haha, you are far ahead of me. My parents are coming this weekend and I forgot/thought they were coming next weekend. So I haven’t washed the sheets and I have no food in my fridge… they raised me well, indeed.

      • Anonymous :

        Me too! Only it’s my inlaws…they can take up any complaints with their son. Actually, they’re very nice and never judge. But on one occasion when I was stressed, clearly not prepped for company and he wasn’t pitching in much, it was hysterical to hear his mother scold him.

    • Are there mirrors in both bedrooms, with outlets available nearby? Sharing bathroom space often means hair needs to be fixed in a bedroom, and I’ve been surprised at how many guest rooms I’ve stayed in that don’t have a decent mirror, or where I’m scrabbling around behind a bed to find a way to plug in my phone charger or hair dryer.

  17. Flats Only :

    Tiny vase of flowers (grocery store cheapies are fine) and an interesting book on each nightstand.

  18. Unsolicited recommendation

    I just replaced my flatware with a set from Liberty Tabletop. It’s high quality stainless steel and it’s made in the US.

    They have a great program where they will send you three pieces for a small amount of money – you can do this twice. I did this and got six patterns and chose one. It arrived really quickly – I was surprised.

    I ordered the 12 place settings set plus the hostess set (two big spoons plus pie server.) The pieces are large-ish and substantial and I love how they feel in my hand.

    The knives are hollow handle. I used to think I wanted solid handle, but that’s the set I’m replacing. Solid handle knives fall off the plate when you’re clearing the table. This seems like a little thing but it happens all the time and is super annoying. I’ve even damaged my wood floor this way.

    I boxed up all my old flatware and will give it to one of my kids when they move out.

    It’s SO nice to have new flatware!

    I really recommend this company. No affiliation, just a satisfied consumer.

    • Anonymous :

      The solid vs hollow knife thing makes so much sense! I hate when they fall. Not in the market for dishes right now, but thanks for the rec.

    • Aunt Jamesina :

      Way cool! I wish I would’ve known about this when we registered for our wedding… we tried to register for as much made in the U.S. or countries with ethical production stuff as possible, but finding flatware was impossible!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Thanks! I’m in the market for new flatware.

  19. Say you are a mom of young kids and have a BigLaw job. But it is crazy. And you want to quit. And you could, but it would be hard, financially.

    If you got offered (with your same firm) a staff-attorney type job for X hours a week on a task (which is essentially a FTE of 10%) would you take it just to avoid the resume gap / keep you license current?

    I worry about mission creep.

    But the gatekeeper partner will be the sole source of work and our understanding will be just that I work for him.

    Has anyone else done this? Successfully? Can BigLaw firms do micro-part-time?

    I hate my current PT arrangement (where it is still nuts).

    • I have a law school classmate who has a similar arrangement at a firm that is in the AmLaw 200. Its a big firm but not a super elite big firm. Also she was never an associate at the firm. She took the position as a fixed number of hours position. I think she does 3 half days a week and has flexibility on when she does the half days. She is doing something like screening employment law cases, but I don’t recall the exact details. She’s been doing it for 3 years and so far it seems to be working well. I’m not aware of mission creep.

      In deciding whether it will work at your firm, does what you are being asked to do seem doable in the time alloted? If there is mission creep, would you be prepared to quit? It seems like it might be worth trying if you are unhappy now and would help alleviate some financial strain.

    • Mission creep is real. I was a staff attorney at a BigLaw Am100 firm making half what the associates made on the promise of set hours. The client was super demanding and I just ended up working more hours than the associates for way less pay. Almost all the group of staff attorneys went in-house or got converted to associates. If you know your client and trust your partner though, it may be a different story. Our partner was totally hands off and let the client run the show. Did you say you already have a part time gig with the firm?

    • What is your long term goal? Do you want to move up anywhere or are you fine being in place for years? Because I was in your shoes and hated being stuck. Friends were making partner, becoming judges, and excited about their careers and I was miserable being a perma-associate at a fancy biglaw firm. So I lateraled to a midlaw firm without the fancy name but where I could work normal human hours and still make partner. I took a paycut but the tradeoff was well worth it so I recommend that you consider other options.

  20. Anonymous :

    Mom Advice Please!
    What is the single big adjustment you made as a new mom that really helped you balance work and family? Cutting back hours? Using Instacart or a grocery service? Talking to your spouse to divide roles/responsibilities? About to have a baby and really haven’t done anything to adjust… yet.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Sleep training (I hope I don’t start a major debate here!) was a game changer for me as a professional/generally as a human. Obviously you have to have the baby and wait until she’s [age omitted, ask your pediatrician/dr. g00gle].

    • Anonymous :

      Getting a divorce when my daughter was an infant. Not having to care for a [email protected] man made caring for the baby so much easier!

      • I’m so sorry- that sounds so hard! But it sounds like you absolutely made the right decision.

    • Grocery delivery for sure. Cleaning person if you didn’t have that already. Regular babysitter once a week (so that you don’t have to think about it last minute or only for special occasions). Ours comes for 3 hours on Sunday afternoons so we can go somewhere and do a little work, workout, run errands, and have a late afternoon drink together. If your childcare arrangement isn’t working, don’t feel afraid to change it. Saying no (or strategically ignoring) work stuff that doesn’t really make a difference in terms of my career advancement. Having a work uniform. Getting up early enough to be ready before my kids get up. Trading off sleeping in on weekend days with hubby. Having husband give newborn (as soon as they will take a bottle) a bottle 11 pm or midnight so I could sleep 9 – 2. Do a pumping session after morning feed during maternity leave to build up supply of milk for when I went back to work. Sleep training 100%. Some of these are just general sleep, not worklife balance but I find that for me, sleep = sanity + ability to do everything better and make good decisions. Also I recommend Laura Vanderkam “I know how she does it.” And also “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***).

    • Anonymous :

      Hire a nanny. Hire a housekeeper. Pick one or two of things to care about- breastfeeding and no screentime- and let the rest go.

    • I made my husband bring the baby to me for breastfeeding, and then he’d do the diaper change after the feeding. I occasionally got up without him but he got up and brought the baby to me at least 75% of the time. It prevented him from getting into that “this is your thing” role so many dads ease into.

      He’s still an extremely hands-on dad and I would describe our parenting as 50/50 to this day.

    • Dividing up/alternating bedtime and middle of the night feedings and going to bed at 8:30 pm when I did not have bedtime duty so that someone gets five to six uninterrupted hours of sleep every night kept me baseline functioning until sleep training took at 10.5 months (although BF was not an option for us for a number of reasons). Having a nanny start three weeks after birth on a part time basis so that I could ease into work without too big a gap was a lifesaver (I had deals that could not be delegated without taking a ridiculous compensation hit). I gave up all professional commitments outside of actual work (associations, etc.) for the first three years so that I could get all of the essentials done. Have a dinner routine in place (e.g. Sunday we cook, Monday we get takeout from X place, Tuesday is Sunday leftovers, Wednesday is Monday leftovers, Thursday is sandwich night, Friday is “happy hour”, Saturday is pizza or takeout. All the coffee.

      Good luck. The Kid turns six this year and I can verify that it does get better and more manageable!!!

    • I think it does start with a talk with your partner about what both of you need to stay sane. And check in regularly to see if those priorities changed.
      My husband likes a super neat house. I couldn’t find it in me to maintain that level of neatness after the baby arrived. We eventually hired someone to come clean every two weeks. Saved our marriage.
      That and mobile deposit. I freelance and couldn’t find the time to go to the bank to deposit my checks. We never “needed” my income right away, so I was always putting off the banking, which was frustrating for my husband because he likes to know exactly how much money we have at all times. Mobile deposit really saved us so much stress and arguments.
      So figure out what is important to get accomplished; decide if this priority is something you need to do yourself (i.e. Pumping) or if you can outsource it so that you have more time for yourself (cleaning). If it’s something that you need to do yourself, recognize that, make the time, and let the rest go. Lower expectations. I know that not everyone can afford to outsource things, and we resisted the expense of the housecleaner for years. We finally realized that it was worth cutting back in other areas so that we could stop bickering about whether or not the floors have been mopped or the fridge wiped down.
      I think the less stressed your are at home, the more manageable work will be. I feel as if not a lot of workplaces will adapt to the stresses of being a new parent – they think their obligation to you ends with giving you a place to pump. And really, you are there to do a job, regardless of whether or not you have kids. So, unless you are making a systematic change in your job, (i.e. Cutting back hours, changing responsibilities) the places where you can most adapt to save your sanity is on the home front.

      Oh, also Amazon Prime.

      • wow wow wow. You ladies are amazing. I hope Kat’s reading this and culling advice for a great post on Corporette Moms. Thanks everyone!!

    • Find good childcare. Find good childcare. And find good childcare. For us, it was nanny when the kids were younger, then all day preschool and then a great after school program when they were in grade school. Having an arrangement where you have to constantly manage someone you don’t entirely trust was the most stressful thing and I’ve had friends who quit working because they were constantly anxious about their kid. That and Amazon prime and lots of easy to heat food from Costco. And using the dishwasher.

    • Formula, so I didn’t have to pump at work. And feeling zero guilt about it.
      Sleep training at 5 months.
      Regular house cleaner.

    • Lower your standards.. automate all the things!
      For cleaning, cooking and “stuff”
      Get a roomba, get a slow cooker, eat freezer meals.
      Forget sorting laundry, Clean trumps all else :P

  21. Embarrassing LGP Question - cont :

    Thanks to those who offered to suggestions to my embarrassing LGP question earlier today. Quick recap – I get yeast infections like clockwork after LGPs of the oral variety. I’m otherwise healthy and this has only been a problem with my current partner. I went to the doctor this afternoon (someone in internal medicine) and she basically said there is no way my getting a yeast infection is related to this and if my partner had thrush he would 100% already know about it already. She recommended showering after (which I already do), taking a probiotic (which I will definitely start doing), and just treating the yeast infections as they arise, along with limiting oral (which I really don’t want to do). I’m feeling pretty discouraged about the whole thing and wondering if there are any other thoughts out there on this. Is there any hope for me, or do I just have to live with this?

    • Just an idea, but would a dental dam be worth trying? I’ve never used one, but it can’t hurt…

      • It’s safer not to do oral, if you’re getting a reaction. My fiancee’s spunk was way too pungent for me to handle, even with a dental dam. His past girlfriends told him the same thing. I think it’s because he eats a lot of ham. So we focus on other things because he does not like going down on me either.

    • maybe see a Gyn if you saw an internist? often they’re more sympathetic to ladyproblems/have more solutions.

    • Anonymous :

      Get a 2nd opinion, or a 3rd or 4th. I talked to so many Drs who didn’t help me solve lgp issues, and I just had to keep trying new ones with new specialties to get help. Don’t give up or blame yourself, keep asking for help!

    • Anonymous :

      This may sound weird, but maybe you get wetter and stay wetter after that kind of activity, which could contribute to yeast infections? Try sleeping in some kind of loose cotton bottom, no underwear, or maybe dry yourself with the hairdryer after you shower.

    • I actually had a similar problem for a while. After some lab work, my doctor figured out that the yeast infection treatment she was prescribing was not actually eliminating the yeast. It would really improve the situation, I’d think it was fixed, and then certain activities would prompt the yeast to multiply. She prescribed a heavy duty dose of diflucan (6 full doses in two weeks) and that finally cleared it up completely so that it did not reoccur.

    • I can highly recommend boric acid capsules (v*ginally) once a week as a maintenance dose. I buy mine on amazon and seem to tolerate them well, and have had no problems in the year and a half I’ve been on them. The antifungal meds and creams gave me huge problems, but these don’t give me any.

    • The OP is on the right track, but check your SO. The hive may have other sugestions, but if you are getting those yeast infection’s after you have s-x, it is likely coming from him, not you. FOOEY for men doctors’ blameing this on us, as women, rather then on the men that cause this to begin with. After all, you did not have this issue until you started doeing stuff with him. And if you are doing more and letting him finish inside of you, you tell your GYN it is him that is causing the problem. It is NOT a question of you takeing a shower afterward, but one for HIM to take a shower before hand, makeing sure he is clean before you even begin doeing anything with him. Personally, I have stopped doeing any of this causally, b/c I do NOT have a steady boyfreind, but when I did have a boyfreind, I had similiar issues, and figured out how to stop this by insisting on my ex cleaning up with strong soap and deoderant BEFORE we became intemate. Good luck to you as you figure this out. YAY!!!

  22. The Michael kors flex Nathalie d’orsay pumps are a holy grail work shoe for me- I bet these sandals are great!

  23. Also- A note of thanks to a formal shoe comment thread a few weeks ago- I ordered the Pelle Moda Aleras in white for my wedding in September, and they are perfect. Beautiful, comfortable, and didnt cost me an arm and a leg. The blue soles are a nice touch, and I’m much more comfortable in these than in the similar (but much more $$) Kate Spade Sala.

  24. how to hang pictures :

    Have 3 canvases (medium sized) that I want to hang above the couch. I know they’re light enough to just hang on a nail but how do I do the part where they’re all at the same height and spaced the same width? Am about ready to just find one large piece to put there to avoid this mess but it always looks so nice at other people’s houses!

    • You’ll have to measure and use a level. If you’re like me and not great at visualizing things, cut paper to the same size as the canvases and tape them to the wall with painters tape to figure out how high and how far apart you want them. Measure (and double check) where the hangers are on the canvas and mark that on the paper or wall (use an arrow or v shape so it’s clear where the nail should go). You’ll need a level to make sure your art is in a straight line, so if you don’t have one, get one long enough to go from the center of one canvas to the center of the next one. Mark where each nail goes and keep using the level to make sure you’re straight (or you can hang the middle canvas where you want it and measure out where the other canvases go from there). If you’re using paper to block out the areas for your canvases, just take it down once your nails are in and you’ll be good to go. Use the level again to make sure the canvases are straight after you’ve hung them.

  25. anon for this one :

    Anyone willing to share experiences with liposuction and/or weight loss meds? Thanks!

    • Way anon for this :

      Contrave had zero effect for me.

    • No experience but I read this as “anyone willing to share expenses” and I was really puzzled for a while!

    • Anon for this :

      I had liposuction in my belly and when I gained weight back it came in my thighs and back and chest and I hate my body more now than before the lipo. It’s not a weight-loss technique and I wouldn’t recommend it.

  26. A close friend was suffering from yeast infections pretty much all the time for over a year. Then she started sleeping in PJ pants without underwear. As long as her PJ pants are loose and contain some cotton, she’s all clear, but if the pants are 100% synthetic, she gets another yeast infection.

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