Weekend Open Thread

Embroidered Lace Sheath DressSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

Lace dresses like this can sometimes be a bit mumsy/MOBish (mother of the bride), but for some reason I’m loving this Tadashi Shoji number with corded lace overlays. It looks elegant, sophisticated, and (always key) versatile. I’d wear this to an anniversary dinner with my husband as well as to a holiday party or charity kind of thing. It’s available in sizes 2–16 for $268–$398, with a zillion color options and tons of good reviews. Embroidered Lace Sheath Dress

Looking for a more affordable option? Amazon has some lucky sizes from this brand on sale for as low as $85. As far as plus sizes, this City Chic dress, this Tahari dress, or this Karen Kane dress all look gorgeous, and as a brand, Brianna has a lot of options.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Comments

  1. anon for this :

    How do I kindly but firmly tell my DH he needs to get a job, any job, ASAP? DH quit his job 2 years ago (he was pushed out) and decided to start his own business – with my full support. He started out strong, but was struggling with depression, and after he had the first bumps in the road (clients who don’t pay, etc), he kind of…gave up. He has since become quite the house-husband – he cooks, he cleans, he goes to therapy (and now receives medication for both depression and ADD), and does the occasional contract but does not make enough to make a living. I make a decent amount of money, but I am increasingly uncomfortable with this arrangement and although I appreciate that he has gone through some rough moments, I need him to start pulling his weight if we want to start a family (timeline is 1-2 years). I am starting to really resent the situation. We have discussed this and he has agreed in principle and claimed he would apply to jobs, but not much seems to be happening (he has not gone on an interview that I know of, and this was a few months ago). I know it might be hard to get a job after a long period of unemployment (which this pretty much was) and I don’t want to be monitoring his every move, but I am becoming frustrated and feel like he should get a job as a barista or something while he waits for something better to come through. At this point I need him to show me that he is serious about working for our family and not just lounging around waiting to become a SAHD. He pays his share of the bills, mostly because his parents are wealthy and hand him money like candy, and also because our lifestyle is not particularly extravagant, but I am bearing most of the weight of savings/retirement and I don’t feel that’s fair. Honestly, he seems to think money for retirement etc is not a concern, probably because of the family money, but that money is not our money and really, I think there is value in hard work and I should not be the only one busting my a** while he chills at home. Am I being unreasonable? Do I set an ultimatum? Any perspective would be greatly appreciated.

    • Anonymous :

      You are not being unreasonable but it doesn’t sound like he thinks the current situation is a problem. If he doesn’t view the current situation as problematic, he is unlikely to change. Think very carefully before having children.

    • “Honey, I understand you’ve been struggling through getting your business off the ground and it’s been great to have you to do so much of the housework while you’ve gotten your mental health into a better place. I really need your help in figuring out how you can earn more of a stable income so that we can truly begin to start a family in the next 12-24 months. I know finding work isn’t easy but I’m worried that your lack of income will cause us to be unable to start the family we both dream of and I’d hate for that to happen or for either of us to begin to resent the other if things aren’t more financially sound for us in the near future. Do you think we should brainstorm solutions now or do you want to think on this and we can talk about it again tomorrow at dinner?”

      No need to blame or set ultimatums or cause him to feel defensive, word it as a solution against a problem you’re battling together. :)

    • I do not think you are being unreasonable. I think being frank with him is the best way. You can be frank without being mean. Maybe try this as a conversation starter: “Husband, I know that you said your plan is to get a job, but your lack of effort to get one is causing me to resent you. I love you so much, so this is the last way that I want to feel.” Make sure he knows that it is actually about *working* and not just bringing in money from mom and dad.

      • I went through something similar and ultimately I think he saw the light when I framed things in the way that it was impacting me, eg: I resent that I get up and go to work every day. I feel like the partnership we began is not the partnership we have now, and I don’t like the one we have now. And when we have children, I want them to recognize the value of hard work — so we both need to model that behavior for them.

      • I agree. You can NOT just carry your hubby as he sits back and loafs. Sheketovits thought that b/c I had a good job working my tuchus off that if we got MARRIED, he could become a house husband, and watch TV all day with the cleaneing lady. I said FOOEY on that! I also did not think he would make a good father for our children with him drinkeing all day and then trying (without success) to have s-x with me at night. So you do the same. Read him the RIOT action, and then just stick with it. You do not want to maintain a “kept man”, even if he is good in bed. FOOEY on that!

    • I also recommend regular check ins (maybe weekly or biweekly) about what he has done that week to further the goal of employment, as well as what you can do to support him (i.e. help with looking at job openings, review his resumes and cover letters etc.) with the special emphasis on “I am not trying to hound you or oversee you in the process, I just want to be an accountability partner for you.”

      • Anonymous :

        Ugh no. This is Mommying him way too much. You can urge him to meet with a counselor and if it’s a deal breaker for you, you can give him an ultimatum that you’re going to leave if he doesn’t get his job-searching in gear, but please don’t do this weekly check-in thing. It’s so condescending and emasculating.

        • Anonymous :

          +1

        • You must not be married. Ultimatums of leaving your spouse that you pledged to be there through the ups and the downs after one conversation? No. That’s childish. You are married, this is an issue that affects you as a family, you work through it together. He can choose to reject the checkins, but some people do like accountability partners. Maybe suggest an external accountability partner if it makes you guys more comfortable.

          Women on this site love to jump to “dump him girl”. The mature answer is talk to him and work through it together.

          • Anonymous :

            I *am* married and agree that “dump him” is not advice to jump to right away for something like this or for any situation other than abuse or infidelity, really. Certainly effort should be made to work it out in a variety of ways, and there has been lots of good advice here that I agree with, including counseling, medication for mental health issues, an independent person holding him accountable and more. All of these are better first (and second and third) steps than ultimatums. But it sounds like this has been going on for a very long time and if all of these things fail and OP considers the situation untenable, I think leaving the marriage is probably a healthier solution for both parties than one spouse forcing the other spouse to report their job-hunting progress to them weekly like a grade school child. As someone else said, that’s humiliating and degrading and is going to destroy the marriage too, but in a longer, more drawn out and painful way. I wasn’t advocating she deliver an ultimatum by any means, just saying that as a “worst case scenario” womanning up and leaving your spouse is preferable to staying but treating your spouse like your employee or child.

          • Fair enough

        • Senior Attorney :

          I agree with this. He might benefit from an accountability partner but it shouldn’t be you.

      • I wouldn’t do this. It’s likely to create (or further) a dynamic where it’s expected she’ll manage things–– and this isn’t her thing to manage. It IS hounding him and that’s not good for him or her to treat him like a child. I’d be so humiliated and angry if my spouse were to do this. Better to have a frank talk that the current situation isn’t working and maybe help brainstorm things together (are there head hunters, can he grow the client base he has/network with other small business owners, get resume help from someone knowledgeable, etc.) I think it’s OK to get the big strategy going together but it’s on him to decide what he does each week. His self-esteem and their dynamic as a team will do better for it.

        • As someone with ADD, I actually would probably appreciate weekly check ins with my (non-ADD) partner… but I understand that’s not the case for everyone. In other words, I don’t think this is necessarily a terrible idea since her husband has been diagnosed with ADD. But it does mean she will have to be willing to take on this type of role in the relationship, which is obviously her choice one way or the other.

    • Anonymous :

      Does he want to be a SAHD? There’s huge value in having a parent devoted to the household and childcare and if his career is not that lucrative it might not really cost anything for him to stay home. I guess if you don’t want him to be a SAHD it’s still a problem, but I’d think about whether you’d be open to this once you have kids (I agree a stay at home childless spouse is not pulling their weight but I would kill for a husband who wanted to stay home and raise children).

      • Oh wow, exact same thought with similar wording minutes apart!

        • Hi! I’ve been going by the handle Kk on this site for a few years- maybe you could find another name that suits you?

          • The Artist Formerly Known as KK :

            Of course! To be honest I hadn’t put muhmch thought into it. I will think of something!

      • If he is depressed and unproductive now, being a SAHD will be worse. Trust me, small children don’t care about your depression and your whole day is centered around their demands, not your own mental health.

        I was a SAHM and came around to going back to work by myself. I think people telling me I should work made me dig in my heels and I probably would have gone back to work sooner if a) it wasn’t simply expected as a requirement to be considered a decent human being, and b) it were actually easy to find a job after taking a break from my career.

    • Maybe he just wants to be a stay-at-home dad? There is a lot of value in that as well…

      • anon for this :

        Thanks all, this is good advice. He is open to being a SAHD. But (1) we don’t have children yet; (2) we could afford to live on my income only, but it would be tight, especially with kids, and I would prefer if our savings were in a better place; (3) this may be sexist but I have spent a large portion of my life telling myself I would never be a SAHM and am kind of struggling with how this works in reverse. I kind of expected that we would alternate leaning in/out of our careers, and am I not sure I am comfortable with a relationship where I shoulder 100% of the financial burden and he handles 100% of the home stuff (I realize this works for some people – it just may not be for me). Also, his mental issues are under control and he was never violent or suicidal or anything like that, but if the depression or ADD hits him hard again and he is alone with demanding kiddos all day… I am just not sure how that would work. To clarify, he is a kind, fun and intelligent person who is great with kids and has been great around the house – he makes me lunch, he does the laundry, I barely ever clean, etc. But I am concerned that we don’t have the same values around working/ saving/level of required financial comfort/depending on family. We have been together for 8 years and he was a hardworking university student and then a hardworking employee with big career plans when we started dating and eventually married, so this is a new development I am struggling with. I’m a attorney with a busy job and it’s hard to share a life with someone whose reality is so different from my own sometimes. I would be open to revisiting the SAHD situation, at least temporarily, once we have kids, but I am cautious about having kids given how I feel right now. But I acknowledge that I lucked out in other ways – i.e. he is very supportive of my career and very open to taking over some of the home stuff. It’s complicated.

        • Here are a couple questions to challenge yourself with:

          1.) How do you define purpose in your life? If you were to become wealthy tomorrow, would you want to continue to go to work? Would you feel comfortable and happy with free days without an office to go to, or would you feel overwhelmed and directionless?

          2.) Do you think people who don’t need to work (and therefore don’t) can live a full, purposeful life?

          3.) Can you respect someone who chooses not to work?

          4.) Childcare – What do you think of people who work with children? Do you think they are people who are doing a hard job that’s equally demanding and valuable as yours? Or did you kind of laugh at that last question?

          We all carry around our own biases, and if you were raised middle class, you probably have a healthy dose of Blue Collar Work Ethic. (I know I do!) If your husband comes from a wealthy family, then he might have a different bias around work. Maybe in his upbringing, working at a paid job was just one option for how to live life.

          I’m just throwing “examine your bias” out there. It’s perfectly okay for you to say, “Uh, this is NOT how I wanted my marriage to go and I want an equal partner who works and helps raise the kids.” It’s okay to be upset that the ambitious guy you fell in love with has morphed into something else.

          • anon for this :

            Thanks – this plays a part, for sure. I grew up middle to upper- middle class – both my parents had successful careers and were much wealthier by the time I hit my teens, but they both worked hard and I was taught not to take money for granted. DH’s family is the heir of their family business – so his grandfather was really successful and everyone else lived off his wealth, basically. My MIL was a SAHM with a full-time maid. They give money to all their children on a regular basis (whereas my parents haven’t given me a cent since college, although they would be there as a safety net if need be). I may have a “value work for work” ethic – if I won the lottery, I would change the way I work, but I don’t think I would stop working altogether. I am passionate about my work and pretty lukewarm on all things domestic – conversations about who cleaned and cooked what get old pretty fast for me. I guess I felt like we were on the same page when we met, and I feel like that’s not true anymore, so I am really struggling with this. I realize that is a reflection of my values and biases and that some people are stay-at-home parents and spouses and that’s great for them, but it’s not how I imagined my marriage for sure. I do value children and education, and think educators are a necessary and great job – but I went to daycare and I had a wonderful childhood so I don’t see a stay at home parent as a necessity.

        • Pen and Pencil :

          I think the conversation needs to focus around where you both see your lives in the next 5-10 years. I think you have different priorities, and need to take a second to get on the same page. I think the conversation about getting a job is secondary to how you both see your finances, how you want to raise children, and how responsibilities are shared.

        • You want to be the SAHP not him. I’m having trouble siding with you bc it seems like gender stereotypes are at work. Having kids requires huge sacrifices – maybe even keeping a job you don’t like. Agree you’re not ready for kids.

      • Anonymous :

        Being a SAHD is one thing, being a stay at home person without a job and no motivation is quite another.

        • Anonymous :

          Absolutely. I work with a woman who has a husband who stays home. Except the children go to daycare, they have a maid and a gardener, and he does not cook dinner. She seems perfectly happy with the situation but I know I’m not mature enough to feel the same way if similarly situated.

          • Anonymous :

            This is unfair to OP’s husband – he already cooks and cleans and she said he is “waiting to be a stay at home dad” which suggests to me that he actively WANTS to stay home with kids and wouldn’t want to put them in daycare. She might not want him to be a stay at home parent, but it doesn’t sound to me like he wants to be a kept man like this woman’s husband at all.

    • Baconpancakes :

      When it comes to actually pulling your weight, a stay at home dad will be worth way more than he could make at a barista job. And as someone who has had to resort to working at a coffee shop between career paths, I honestly don’t think it’s good advice, and I wish people would stop saying “get any job” to the unemployed. If you’re anywhere metropolitan, it’s far better to work for a temp firm, which has the possibility of networking and can translate into a full-time gig, than it is to work for a coffee shop (unless he wants to manage/own a coffee shop – in which case, go for it). Working a service job is mentally and physically exhausting, and if it’s not what you want, morally draining. I think it took far longer to get my career on track than it would have if I had simply been unemployed and supported by family or a spouse, mostly because I was too drained to aggressively pursue other jobs.

      If, however, you think he just needs to get out of the house and feel accomplished at something, that’s another story (and can greatly help with depression). Getting him out for a part-time gig or volunteering is valuable if that’s the goal.

      • Really agree with your first paragraph. A soul-sucking retail or service gig can make a bad situation much worse.

    • Is his depression being adequately treated? I was in a similar situation, DH talked about getting a job but then didn’t do anything/ had no real interest in it. What ended up happening was that his depression got worse and his medication was consequently increased. Suddenly, he had more energy and interest in the future, prepared his resume and eventually rejoined the workforce!

    • Anonymous :

      I disagree with commenters who say he should be a SAHD – that’s a good choice to make if the situation arises, but right now he’s just being a lazy bum. That’s not fair to you.

      • Anonymous :

        Co-sign. There’s a big difference between the SAHDs I’ve known who chose to stay home – they tend to be motivated and organized, and do everything the SAHMs do. The SAHDs I’ve known who were basically pushed into that option by a failed business or lack of employment options tend to do very little “dad-ing” and the working mom ends up taking care of everything. It’s more like the mom has an additional child than she has a stay-at-home helper. In any case, the OP doesn’t have kids yet, and is not even pregnant – so I agree with her that it’s time for her husband to get a job stocking shelves at Trader Joe’s (my fallback joe-job career option, because then you can at least get benefits) so he’s doing SOMEthing.

        • As a counterpoint, my husband has been unemployed (not initially by choice, but he isn’t applying for anything either) for about 6-7 months and is a huge help and not at all an “additional child.” He’s not exactly a “full-time” SAHD because Kiddo goes to daycare M-F. During the day, my husband manages our rental property (two apartments), manages 2 other triplexes for a fee, and does contract work. He also takes care of many things around our house, including most of the childcare before and after daycare and when Kiddo is sick or daycare is closed, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, lawn care, etc. We all get to sleep in a little later than when we all had to rush and get ready for work and school before X time. In the evenings and on the weekends, we both have more free time. Financially, things are tight, but I’m happier with him than I’ve been in a long time. (I posted a long time ago about how frustrated I was with DH making very little money in a high-stress, long-hours job, leaving me in both the “primary earner with benefits” role and the “do all the childcare and everything around the house” role. This is so much better.)

          That said, it’s all about values, and I don’t think OP is being unreasonable. But men (and women, I assume) are capable of contributing to a household even when they’ve been “pushed” into unemployment.

    • Coach Laura :

      I can say that – without intervention – he will be stuck like this for a long time. The combo of depression/ADHD, being forced out and family money ime has been overwhelming for others in his situation. And anything you say should be 100% blunt – not that you’ll be unhappy but that you are already past unhappy. Getting a filler job (e.g. Starbucks) may make it better or worse, hard to tell. Getting temporary positions through a temp firm might be more helpful to help him get out there and get his feet wet.

      What would be best, assuming his mental health issues are stable, would be to hire a career coach. Being accountable to you may not be good for your relationship. Being able to set goals, work toward them and be accountable/see progress with a coach would take the burden off you.

      (On my phone …excuse typos.)

    • Anonymous :

      You aren’t being unreasonable but he may not be able to do what you want right now without more professional help if he is depressed. I think if you feel like you have very clearly expressed how important this is to you and he isn’t responding, you should think about what kind of external help you can enlist for him.

      I went through something similar with my husband when he was in the midst of a career transition that unfortunately coincided with the recession beginning in 2009. To summarize, it took YEARS for him to get through it, but what ultimately had to happen was marriage counseling, increased depression treatment and medication for him, and him having time to figure out what he really wanted to do. I was terrified because I didn’t really make enough to support both of us comfortably, I wanted to have kids, and I was in my 30s. We were unmarried when this started but took a risk and got married before it ended. He lived off savings for at least a year, got a one year temp position, and then had unemployment for a while, so I wasn’t solely supporting us, but it wasn’t sustainable and I was really resentful of him. What I discovered in therapy was that my resentment of him was really hurtful to him – he felt like he was doing the best he could. (He also had some old wounds that were related from a prior relationship).

      I did not find giving ultimatums or personally trying to monitor his job hunting progress helpful – it just set us up for more conflict when he didn’t do what he said he was going to do. Once he made a decision about what to do and was back on medication he moved astonishingly fast.

    • Senior Attorney :

      This is all good advice. I would just add that if I were in your shoes, I would set a time limit for myself regarding how long I was willing to stick around and wait for things to improve.

    • Anonymous :

      Divorce lawyer to make sure you don’t wind up paying alimony.

    • Anonymous :

      Sorry to say this but he is a loser and will never change.Get out now.

    • I understand this is not the partnership you pictured, but there is value in domestic work. You mention having to shoulder the financial burden 100%, but, as a reframe, his being home will save you money: no need to hire a housekeeper, pay for take out, buy him fancy suits and work clothes or (the big one) pay for childcare. He’s contributing time to the family, which is a totally valid contribution (and likely worth much more than whatever he’d make as a barista…) Plus, he seems to be somewhat keeping a toe in the water of the working world if needed down the road. Contrary to what some anons are saying, he is not a loser; he is keeping house, which is a lot of work! It’s just not the work you yourself would choose.

      • Anonymous :

        It’s not. The rest of us all manage to keep house and work.

        • …except for all the posters who pay housekeepers/cleaners. Then there are all the posts about how the husband doesn’t pull his weight on the home front or with emotional labor, and how men in the workplace are so lucky to have stay at home wives who enable them to focus on their careers. Just saying, there are many ways to do life and we all only get one.

          • Anonymous :

            Yeah, my family spends at least $30,000 a year on daycare, school aftercare, house cleaners, snow removal, lawn care, etc. and I know people who spend considerably more. There are a plenty of jobs that pay less than that after taxes, especially if it’s just “a job for the sake of having a job” like working at Starbucks. There is a lot of value, both moral and financial, in taking care of the home and raising children if the person doing that is really committed to it and is not just turning around and outsourcing the way working parents do.

    • It sounds like you two need to have a conversation about your mutual goals and vision for the future. What lifestyle/level of income do you expect at steady-state?

      Also, if your husband’s thinking is that “we have my family money,” perhaps you can frame it as him needing structure/goals. Would you be OK if he did full time volunteer work or low paying non profit work, and/or politics or sitting on various boards? That may be something he’s used to from growing up.

      But have the conversation and go from there.

    • Anonymous :

      I do not think you are being unreasonable. There is a lot to be said for feeling like both partners are pulling their weight, and I do not think this is related to levels of income. I work with a few women who have husbands who are self-employed but do not have any business or income. As nice as it would be to have a responsible adult to meet repairmen, etc, I am afraid I would feel resentful if my husband did not work and was not actively seeking work.

    • So I can come at it more from your husband’s point of view, which is to say, I went through a nasty streak of depression (with some PTSD thrown in for good fun) and I have, this year, started my own firm (that hasn’t exactly taken the world by storm but I have a small stream of clients.)

      I’m lucky that my husband makes enough to support us so whatever I do, I do for me and less for the budget. And when we do have kids some day, I have a feeling I’ll take on something of a SAHM roll someday.

      So all that being said, I think you have lots of great ways to approach him about getting a new job, but what about the business? Is it something that was making him happy when he *was* doing it. Because another approach would be to ask if he wants to start working on the business again and then offer ways you can help (for example, my husband handles the financial side of my business – well really just the book keeping – because that’s what he does for a living at a much much higher level so he’s able to do it pretty easily.) So maybe you could help him with networking ideas or marketing or motivational check-ins (which personally I find helpful.)

      I guess that’s all I’ve got but wanted to submit at least one vote for “giving the business a second go now that he’s doing better” – he can even talk to his therapist about it (he has one right) because my therapist was critical for getting me out of the depression funk that made it impossible for me to do *anything* because “why bother?”

    • This was me, except mine didn’t even do household work. And was an alcoholic and addict. Fast forward a decade and I went to divorce lawyer but the process was so awful and I didn’t like the lawyer that we stayed married. Finally last year we separated and are almost divorced. We had kids, I paid for nanny, gardener, pool guy, etc while he tried to do a business that recently (post separation) he got fired from. I ended up losing patience and losing all respect for him. After separation I learned he had been having multiple affairs. Now I have to give him half my retirement and spousal support. Luckily I have the kids full time because I am the better more responsible parent and would rather have that happen. If I could go back in time I would have set and maintained limits better and when they got crossed I would have acted sooner rather than allowing unacceptable behavior to continue.

  2. Planning ahead for BF deals :

    Hi Hive!

    I have had a hard year financially so I have been saving up a bit and am excited to be able to shop the blackfriday deals. I have skipped that the last few years out of ethical reasons, but darn it, I need to be able to save this year! (Yes apparently ethics can change easily jk please don’t give me grief on this). Anyway my question to you all is what are some items that you think are absolute solid investments for years and have a good deal on them during sales. For example I have been eyeing a few Patagonia things but they don’t go on sale during that time. Anything you got last few years that you still appreciate having gotten on a great deal? anything you regret? TIA!

    • Anonymous :

      What are your ethical concerns over black friday?

    • The biggest thing is to have a list of what you want, and look at the prices NOW. Write them down. Then you’ll be able to tell if the black friday price is truly a savings. Many companies do that shady thing where an item is typically $12.50, but full price is supposed to be $15, so on Black Friday they’ll mark it down to $11 and call it a 25% off blockbuster. If you were planning to buy it anyway, the $11 is still a better deal, but if you only sorta kinda wanted it, that tiny bit of savings might not be worth it.

      • Anonymous :

        +1

        Black Friday deals are not that great. Sign up for mailing lists for the stores you’re interested in and keep an eye on prices.

      • Anonymous :

        +1
        No need to spend money just for spending’s sake. Don’t get wrapped up in the BF consumerism; have you thought about what YOU really need instead of what the ads feed to you?

    • I don’t like it when companies force employees to work on Thanksgiving but don’t have an issue with getting the deals online. Make a list of what you want and look up prices now through shopstyle. About a week before black Friday, sign up for that store’s email list as stores frequently mail extra savings codes to list subscribers. Also check out retailmenot for additional codes and consider buying through ebates as they tend to increase cash back percentages on that day. I think black Friday is best for appliances and electrical items but I do tend to do most of my Christmas shopping that day.

      • Buying online will hurt retail employees much more than physically shopping your local store on Thanksgiving. Local stores are dying, and those employees who would have been happy to volunteer for the holiday shift (time and a half, baby! or even better, commission!) are going to end up unemployed when their stores close.

        But online shopping is going to kill local stores no matter what we do. We’re already half way down the path of online shopping taking over the bulk of clothing purchases, with big cities housing the few remaining brick and mortar stores.

        TL;DR – Shopping online for Black Friday deals isn’t doing retail employees any favors.

      • Also, +1 to Ebates.

    • Anonymous :

      If you don’t need gifts for Christmas, things are usually discounted way more after Christmas than they are on Black Friday. Signed, Jew who goes shopping on Dec 26th every year

    • Check out bfads dot net. (That’s Black Friday ads.) They get the ads beginning in early November every year, so you can plan out your shopping. I’ve been using that site to help me shop for years!

    • Save by putting the money in the bank for when you need something critical.

    • Black Friday deals are rarely deals. Retailers jack up the prices in advance to make them look like deals. If you need stuff now, you’re probably better off buying it now.

      • Minnie Beebe :

        In most cases, yes. But there are seriously good deals to be had on electronics. Case in point: I bought a 128G iPad Air 2 last year on black friday for <$300. I'd been considering purchasing a new iPad before then, so it was an easy decision. Will look for similar deals this year (especially on iPads– the old iPad that DS uses is about due for replacement)

    • Everything I’ve read over the years has been that electronics are the best deals on Black Friday, especially expensive yet popular ones, like televisions, computers, and gaming consoles.

      I’ve never bothered with Black Friday shopping in person because I don’t fancy those sorts of lines for discounts I may very well be able to get later in the season just by waiting. Plus, I think it absolutely breeds impulse shopping, oh…I don’t need this…but it’s here and I’m in a hurry so of course, I need the 50% off Hot Men of North Dakota desk calendar. My personal favorite Black Friday deals are the sort of “flash deals” Amazon does throughout the day (i.e. this item is on deep discount for this hour only) – I got a TON of DVDs one hear because DH couldn’t resist the deals.

      If you’re looking more for the clothes/purses/shoes side of things; I have no idea what kind of sales those stores have, but one tip is to always check eBay before buying anything – I’ve bought several new or like new designer items from eBay and as long as you are careful with what seller you use (and are sure the item will fit you if it’s clothing or shoes) – it’s a great way to get a discount on otherwise really expensive designer stuff.

  3. Weight Loss :

    I’ve never been worried about the number on the scale or the number on a label, but I’ve recently begun to gain weight and, as a short person, there isn’t much I can gain before it begins to effect my knees and such. I work from home via computer so there’s not much exercise built naturally into my day and too much time away from the computer impacts my pay. However, as someone in my mid 30s, I realize it’s probably easier? to lose weight now than as I continue to age. Though I’ve always liked my curves and am about a size 12/14, the doctor wants me to try to lose 50+ lbs (which gets me closer to my weight as a high school student/undergrad).

    As someone who has never set foot in a gym and who has a very narrow palate of mostly healthy foods that I eat, how do I even know where to begin? I don’t have tons of money and everything seems so expensive (buying workout clothes, hiring a personal trainer, etc.). Any hints/tips/tricks to better know how to figure this stuff out so I can begin the process? Everything seems to speak in a language only gym rats understand and it overwhelms me before I even figure out answers or a plan!

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous :

      Biggest one that helps me is wearing a watch that shows how many steps I’ve taken. I try to hit 10 000 every single day even if it means I’m walking up and down the stairs inside when it’s snowy outside. I’m not a huge lover of exercise but the evidence is pretty clear that a sedentary lifestyle, regardless of weight, is a problem. I also had to cut back significant on what I ate after my mid-thirties. My metabolism slowed noticeably. I miss being 25 and eating what I wanted.

      • Anonymous :

        Seconding the step counting. You can get a really inexpensive tracker and wear it for a few days to see how much you’re moving on a regular basis. Then start bumping it up by 1,000 steps/day for a week, then add another 1,000 steps/day the following week, etc. until you get to 10,000 regularly. Walking is a great way to ease yourself into regular exercise if exercise isn’t currently part of your daily life.

    • It is WAY easier to lose weight by dieting than with exercise (not that you shouldn’t exercise, just that you’ll likely see results more quickly by virtue of what you eat). Even if your meals are “healthy” be very mindful of volume and items that are healthy but still calorie dense – like avocado, hummus, etc.

      • Senior Attorney :

        +1,000,000

        The battle is really won or lost in the kitchen, not the gym.

      • Mrs. Jones :

        A wise friend once told me, “You lose weight in the kitchen; you get fit in the gym.”

      • Baconpancakes :

        I will second this, with the caveat that if you build muscle, it will get way easier to lose fat. I endorse going eating fewer calories AND hitting the gym, but not necessarily the treadmill/elliptical. Weight-lifting is great for building muscle and when you see yourself squatting a heavy bar in the gym, suddenly you feel way more bada$$ and think you look awesome.

      • I have been unhappy with my weight for a couple of years, and in August a friend recommended Lose It (dot com). It took some getting used to but since August 25 I have lost 10 pounds. I highly recommend it.

    • A lot of people here have recommended Fitness Blender, which has some very short 8 to 10 min. workouts that you can intersperse throughout your day. It helps that you work from home, so you can step away briefly to do them. Also, something that has helped me hit steps in the past is pacing while reading documents and doing 10 squats once every 30 min. to an hour. Every little bit helps.

      Also, Weight Watchers can really help you figure out what works for your diet based on your palette. I have used it in the past with success, only after realizing that I don’t have the time or desire to cook “weight watchers meals” and just tried to track what I generally would eat and making small slightly healthier tweaks along the way, even if that healthier decision is swapping one fast food meal for one with lower calories and less fat.

      • Two Cents :

        + 10000 Fitness Blender videos. They’re free, you can do them at home so you don’t need to feel self conscious at the gym, and they are hard but fun. Start with easy ones (difficult level 2) and go up from there as you can get more experienced. I seriously cannot recommend them enough and talk about FB to everyone I know who is looking to lose weight. If you’re looking for a work plan plan, try the 1 month low impact workout program (I think it’s $10). It’s a beginner plan and they will tell you exactly what workouts to do on which days, which I found helpful. But if you prefer, start with the free videos online.

    • Do a few 10 minute workouts during the day. YouTube has a large number of free, short workouts. Since you’re at home, it’s not going to be much of an investment financially.

    • I totally get that it can be intimidating starting a new thing! The first time I walked into a rock gym I felt like everyone was speaking another language entirely, and TBF they kind of were. Some people do forget that they also were beginners once and are jerks about being welcoming, but I promise a lot of us remember and try to be welcoming when we meet people who are new to working out! I would try your best to remember that no one is born knowing this stuff and ask questions when/where you can. For example I was at a yoga class yesterday and one of the students was very new and told the instructor she didn’t understand something. So few people are willing to do that (I wasn’t when I first got into yoga 10 years ago), but the instructor was very patient, and it seemed like the explanation helped (I actually wasn’t really paying attention to what she even asked about or what she was doing, I was in my own world a bit).

      Beyond that, I would suggest a few places to start: take a look at workout clothes somewhere inexpensive like Target, maybe make it a point to go for a walk every morning before work, check out some intro free workout videos at places like fitnessblender dot com or yoga with adrienne.

    • Weight Watchers! I lost 30 lbs 4 years ago.

    • Anonymous :

      My metabolism tanked right around the time I turned 30, and even though I was eating pretty healthily at that point, all of a sudden I started putting on some weight. One trick I used was to start cutting my portion sizes by 1/4, so I would only eat 3/4 of what had previously been on my plate of the same types of foods. I was never hungry on the new portions, turns out I was giving my body just a little more than it needed at that point. That may be something to try that could be helpful.

    • Anonymous :

      Get a new doctor. I might get flamed for this but it’s incredibly counterproductive to tell someone at the start of their weightloss journey that they should lose like 30% of their body weight (unless they’re having serious health issues etc. that OP doesn’t seem to have). That’s just setting you up for failure. Set your goal at something attainable, like 5 lbs over 2 months. Give yourself time to figure out what lifestyle changes make a difference on the scale and in your overall happiness. The weight will come off in time if you’re focusing on the right changes.

      You don’t need a personal trainer or fancy clothes. Just start walking. Develop better sleep habits if you don’t already. Get up early and walk for 30 minutes before you start work. You’ll feel like you accomplished something before you’ve even started your day. Watch your portions. It’s great that you already eat healthy stuff but calories in healthy stuff add up too. Use a tracker like the my fitness pal app to help you figure out what portions are right for you.

    • Hi Weight Loss! Congrats on taking a healthy step for yourself.

      For me, losing weight has been as simple as treating my calories like a budget. As hard as it can be some days, I just focus on being aware of what I’ve eaten (not shame it, just acknowledge the good days and the bad days, and be accountable about keeping track of them).

      I would recommend you start by going online to a free TDEE calculator (total daily energy expenditure). You put in your height and weight and activity level (choose Sedentary, because it’s easy to overestimate how active we are), and it tells you how many calories your body needs, each day, to maintain your weight.

      Losing weight is as simple as eating fewer calories than that TDEE. So to track how many calories you’re eating, download the (free) app MyFitnessPal (or use the online interface). Everything that you eat, you log. (Buying a $20 food scale on amazon will help you accurately measure just how much you are eating, and be more accurate with your counting). It sounds like a lot of effort, but really, it’s not: especially if you are a creature of habit with your eating, as it sounds like you are.

      Take a week of just seeing how many calories you are eating. If you’re like me, you’ll be surprised to see that you’re eating more than you thought you were!

      Then, set a goal: eat maybe 300 calories a day less than your TDEE–the equivalent of 3/4 of one muffin at [email protected]! Try to hit that goal every day, and then give yourself a day every week where you eat at maintenance-level of calories. This gives you something sustainable to measure, and one day off a week to breathe a bit.

      Exercise can help you, too, because it burns calories. But you can’t outrun a bad diet. I use my exercise as a bonus; it keeps me strong, it helps me be healthy, but I don’t treat it as a way to lose weight. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s what I do in my kitchen that really impacts the scale. I don’t run every day, but I do eat every day.

      • +1 to this! I will add that, although calories in less than calories out helps, some foods assist in weight loss more than others. I learned this from an excellent nutritionist and semi pro weight lifting friends (and trust me, I am not one of them, I started out doughy and am now slightly less doughy). I good nutrionist, if you can afford it / have the time, can really help you determine what types of foods and at what eating intervals could work best for you based on your bloodwork, body type, and lifestyle. I learned that I am way more sensitive to sugars than to carbs (see borderline sugar levels) and learned about food pairings and eating spacing, which definitely helped the weight drop off faster.

    • Anonymous :

      Count calories using My Fitness Pal, and start some kind of physical activity like walking. I find it very hard to loose weight without counting calories, and if you never have it may really be eye opening. If you just exercise more, there is a very good chance you will make up for the higher calorie expenditure by eating more.

      • Flats Only :

        And buy a little kitchen scales. Whatever the cheapest one is at Bed, Bath and Beyond, or similar. It will help you keep track of the many things that are measured in ounces (or grams if you’re metric). After a while you’ll have a feel for what 2oz of pasta or 1 oz of crackers looks like, but the scales will help you know that you’re keeping accurate track of what you eat.

    • Ask your doctor what he/she recommends. In my opinion, it’s not useful to say “You need to lose 50 lbs”; it’s kind of like telling a patient “You need to stop smoking”. The better conversation is *how*. There are a lot of great suggestions on here, but if you try implementing all of them you might feel overwhelmed; if you try a few and they don’t work for you, you might feel discouraged.

      I would ask my doctor if there’s anything in my labwork, history, etc that clues him or her into how I might best achieve a healthier weight. Example: If I see a patient who has a lot of body hair, irregular periods, and a sudden weight gain, I’m going to approach that patient differently than someone who carries a lot of extra weight around their midsection and has slightly elevated fasting blood sugars.

      In the meantime, I would suggest writing down everything you eat, when you eat it, and how you felt before/after eating it. A food journal can be a very powerful tool when getting started; it’s a great way to start being honest / aware and accountable to yourself.

    • Anonymous :

      Weight Watchers.

      • +1 Weight Watchers really works. Give it a shot. I and many of my friends/family have had success with it, and it is especially helpful for those of us who are not gym rats by nature :)

    • Take baby steps to start. Others are right that the bulk of it has to be through diet but I found exercise and taking active steps to play a huge role in the mental mindset.

      Make two smaller investments: a good pair of sneakers that fit you and a good sports bra. Buy them as if you were going to run in them even if you never plan to really run, that way you’ll have the support for anything you end up doing.

      Start walking–ten minutes in the morning, ten minutes at lunch, maybe a longer walk at the end of the day. Listen to a podcast or start building a motivation playlist. Maybe start running for a few minutes in there and then gradually increase it. Running is the best bang for you buck calorie and finance-wise. It sucks, it hurts, I look and sound like a drunk baby rhino, but it really does do wonders mentally and for overall cardiovascular fitness.

      and/or, when you take breaks during the day, find a youtube channel you like training form in basic exercises–squats, lunges, sit ups, push-ups, etc. Do a few reps–it takes awhile for your body to get used to the movements and coordinate with your brain. That way, if and when you feel ready to brave a gym class, you’ll have a basic working knowledge. Most gyms will let you try a few classes for free before you join. Most yoga studios will let newbies do a free or very cheap drop in classes. Ask friends where they go–a lot of places will let ppl bring a guest and then you can go with a friend. Talk to the instructors and ask questions. Most gym instructors come in with all this energy, wanting to teach, and actually find it sort of draining that their classes don’t talk to them. Someone who comes in wanting to learn and asking questions will absolutely make their day.

    • Anonymous :

      Hi Weight Loss! if you like podcasts, maybe you can download “half size me” episodes (free) and listen to them while you walk. Runs for Cookies also has a great blog about her weightloss.

    • Workout clothes — do NOT spend money on this until you start working out regularly and if you really, really, really like the look. They can get really expensive and don’t actually help your workout. I would just buy a few inexpensive tank tops at target or Old Navy, and a pair or two of yoga pants or leggings or shorts. If working out isn’t something you do consistently, you’ll have comfy lounge clothes/PJs. If you do, you have perfectly cute workout clothes for the gym etc.

    • So all the other advice you got was spot on (especially the food rather than exercise thing) but there are definitely a few things you can do that will help your body long term, whether you gain weight, stay at this weight, or drop.

      One is to get a convertible standing desk; I’ve never used one personally but generally the people that have them swear by them. I’d also have a regular chair for sitting on and then maybe those big yoga balls (which goes in with my next comment) – anything that forces you to use your core to balance.

      The last thing is that I’d set yourself a couple of timers, like on the 30s of every hour, you do five minutes of chair yoga (check it out) and on the 60s you get up and take a walk along the halls of your building or even up a block and back, again under 5 minutes.

      While on its own, none of this is going to help you lose weight, it was astonishing to me how much doing the last two things alone helped me with the aches and pains of sitting all day, but I think that no matter what hapeens iwith your weight, making sure you have a good strong core, good posture while at the desk, and get up and change positions frequently will get you feeling better at any weight.

  4. I posted this late this morning and thought I’d try one more time here.

    Advice on how to keep calm during a massive company reorganization? I think I’m as safe as anyone can be right now, but how do I keep my cool and stay productive when it feels like tectonic shifts happening all around me?

    • Some of the anxiety often comes from the unknown and feeling out of control. What if you polish your resume, update your linkedin, and started to network more? That way, if your job is fine, there’s nothing you’ve done that would harm it, but if it isn’t, you’ll have already started the process of preparing to move on, plus these actions may keep you busy enough to not be hyperfocused on the reorganization as it happens.

      Otherwise, validating your own feelings as normal and expected, meditation, and venting as needed may be helpful too!

      • +1. Use it as motivation to update your resume and linkedin, brush up on your interview answers, and connect with people you know but haven’t spoken with in a while. Tidy up your files and save copies of anything that only lives on your work computer/email. If you’re truly fine, no harm no foul, but it’ll give you something productive to do with your unrest, and put you in a better spot if/ when you decide to move on.

    • I would take some steps in case your aren’t safe right now. Update your resume and start making contact with others in your field. That can give you some peace of mind that you can survive if you are not “safe.”

    • Find ways to relax outside of work – yoga/exercise/vegging out in front of a dumb TV show/etc. Try to convince yourself that worrying doesn’t get you anywhere, and it’s better to focus on your job now. It’s hard… really really hard. I was at a law firm during the great recession and saw massive amounts of my colleagues laid off – and the not knowing if/when you’ll be next is extremely hard! Good luck.

    • Re-org mean a lot of change, but also a lot of opportunity.

      Focus on the positive impact this could have on your career.

  5. R. Phalange :

    Calling anyone with advice/experience in higher ed!
    I currently work as staff in a little-known mid/low ranked large public university. My undergrad is from a small, private liberal arts college, and my first master’s is from a fairly prestigious large private university. I’m working on a second master’s from a well-known mid/high ranked large public university.
    After this second master’s, I will be eligible for positions at the faculty rank. Most jobs doing the kind of work I want to do are at large universities with highly ranked academics. How hard is it to move from a relatively low-ranking school to a relatively high-ranked one, and what can I do to improve my chances of getting a job at one of these larger, prestigious institutions?
    In case it matters, I took my current position at a less desirable university because I Needed A Job Any Job, and at least this one is in my field.
    Bonus points if you figured out what area I’m in that two master’s degrees make me eligible for faculty rank :)

    • Anonymous :

      I think if you’re moving from staff to faculty your previous job and employer matters very little. But I also don’t really know any faculty without PhDs so clearly I don’t know the inner workings of your area.

    • What field?

      My field is all PhDs. My double master’s brother has difficulty finding the kind of job he wants even at community colleges / low level colleges.

    • R. Phalange :

      I work in libraries, so I guess “field” could have been misleading. Colleges and universities (especially larger ones) hire librarians with an MLS/MLIS at Assistant or Associate faculty rank and frequently offer tenure-track to certain library positions as well.

      • R. Phalange, I am an Associate Dean at an academic library and have been tenured for many years. These jobs are harder to get and there are fewer of them, but I don’t think where you’re working now should matter in a search. More often, for your first academic job, you’ll need to be willing to relocate. From my point of view as an academic library hiring manager, the most important thing is your letter of application and how you address the qualifications. You need to write very well and let them know exactly how your qualifications fit the position you’re applying for. Don’t send a generic letter. Explain why you want *that* job and why you’re the best candidate for it. One of the questions we ask in interviews is “Tell us why this job is a great fit for you and why you’re a great fit for this job.” Answer that in your letter. Stalk library jobs in the Chronicle and ALA joblist. Good luck! Let me know if you need to know anything more. I actually used to participate in the Hiring Librarians blog where hiring managers answered questions about how to get a job and how the hiring process works at different types of institutions.

    • Anonanononon :

      Following, for similar reasons (not faculty, but took-a-job-any-job–that I’m enjoying, btw–at a lower ranked uni when I would like to be at the higher ranked ones with a more national presence…and I am qualified to be there, too)

    • I have degrees from an Ivy and a top public research university but currently work at a very large, less selective public university. I get the impression that it’s pretty difficult to move to a more prestigious university without really stellar credentials (usually this would mean bringing in lots of research funding, not sure how that applies to libraries). If you want to do this, you’re going to need to play up the advantages of your current position- this could be things like having a broader range of experience because the staff is smaller and less specialized, more managerial experience, or experience working with diverse student populations.

    • I think it’s difficult, but can be done. I’d recommend identifying a few institutions that you’re really interested in working at (or just one) and developing a solid network there that can work for you when you see or hear about positions of interest. I also think it’s possible that you might have to take a parallel – if not step down – position, rather than a big step up, until you establish yourself in the new university.

      Can you start by getting a job at the place where you’re getting your masters now? Even a part-time gig to establish references?

  6. Is there a good time of year to buy a washing machine?

    I need to buy a machine for a parent. They want an energy efficient front loader that is more gentle to clothes and doesn’t take forever to wash a load. Probably does no more than 3 or 4 loads a week. Would like one that doesn’t have too many bells and whistles that breakdown. More like a “Best Buy” cheaper consumer reports option.not $1000 fancy.

    Any recs, particularly one that lasts?

    I thought I would pick the Consumer’s report Best Buy rec….but then people complained on the consumer report website that it broke down.

    • I’d stay away from a front-loader, then. Maybe I just had a dud, but mine put holes in clothes, took forever and was a pain in the butt to maintain.

      Either an old-school top loader or one of the newer energy efficient models would do well for them, unless they’re very short, in which case, I’d look at an old-school top loader.

      • I have a fancy new top loader and it puts holes in clothes too.

        • Minnie Beebe :

          I think it’s the dryer that’s to blame for the holes. I stopped putting t-shirts in the dryer, and also stopped getting little holes in them. Also, I make sure that all clothes are closed up before washing– pants zipped and buttoned, washable bras and sportsbras latched closed, etc. It seems to be helping.

    • If you can wait, I’d buy it during Black Friday sales. DH and I bought out front loader (Whirlpool?) three years ago during Home Depot’s BF sale. If I remember correctly, the sale started in early November and lasted the entire month.

    • IME most of the newer high efficiency models take forever.

      Whatever you decide, you might try going to Home Depot or Lowe’s and asking if they will sell you the floor model or similar. My sister did that with hers years ago and got one they had listed as “damaged” for several hundred dollars less than the sticker price because it had a small dent in the drawer at the bottom that was completely cosmetic.

      • I bought the new Electrolux, and the cycles are impressively fast. It even has a 15 minute quick wash cycle option that works quite well.

      • My LG front loaders are as quick as 15 minutes. I usually use the delicates cycle that takes 45. I bought a set at my last home and I bought the exact same ones for after I moved into my current home.

        • givemyregards :

          I had an LG front loader in my last house and *loved* it – would highly recommend.

        • I have an LG front loader too, and it takes 2 hours on delicate cycle. Mine is a very small model though so the size might be affecting how it operates.

    • So many friends have had problems with front loaders. Look at top loaders without the big agitator. There are a lot of models on sale right not at home depot online and plenty of user reviews.

    • Yep, Black Friday! I got this one at Home Depot and have been pleased with it, though I’ve only had it for 18 months. Simple to use. Whirlpool model WFW75HEFW. The normal load takes 47 minutes to run and the quick cycle is 27 minutes.

    • Anonymous :

      If you do go with a front-loader, new LG models have a door catch feature the allows the door to stay cracked but nearly closed in order to allow air circulation and avoid the mildew issues common to front loaders. It is still best to wipe down after cycles and occasionally leave it open, but it is a very useful feature to me.

      • That’s brilliant! When we moved into our house, the previous owners hadn’t cleaned the seal at all, and it was full of black slime. The door stays open and gets wiped out every time we use it now.

        • I had this problem with my front loader LG until I read that white vinegar can be used in lieu of fabric softener. Now I fill the fabric softener dispenser with white vinegar, add a couple of drops of essential oil, and my machine gets clean while naturally softening my laundry. win-win in my book.

    • Anonymous :

      What is with front loaders taking FOREVER? When I use my parents machine I have to use the quick cycles, otherwise a normal load of regular clothes takes like an hour. It’s ridiculous.

    • Check out refurbished appliance stores in your area; usually they’re housed within appliance repair shops. I have picked up several great, no-bells-or-whistles washers and dryers very inexpensively – like $300 a set. Our personal W/D, the W/D in a rental, and a top loading washer for my mom have all been humming along without problems for the past 2-5 years. I personally prefer top loading washers because it’s easy to add more laundry in if you forget something. I also find it difficult/tedious to clean the seal around a front loading washer and have had problems with mold over time. I had to replace a moldy seal on a front-loading washer and the seal alone was $150, let alone the time and cursing it required to install it. :)

    • Speed Queen. The one with all mechanical not digital controls. It’s fast, it does a great job, and it’s less than $800. Also, most salespeople, big box store or not, have authority to discount by 10-15% on major appliances. Always ask what they can do for you on the price.

    • Also, consider Costco! They sell a ton of appliances!

  7. Holy fork. Those of you who’ve changed anti-depressants, how long did it take to settle out? After a gradual transition, I’ve been on the full dose of my new drug for 3 days and I feel alternately panicky and jittery or worn down and stressed. Does this even out at some point? As I said to my best friend last night, “Ya know, I’d just really love to not have to worry about my mental health several times a day.”

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Uh, a couple of weeks. :( I’m sorry to give you that info but it took me a looooong time.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes, it will take a week or two. You experience side effects at first before you kind of settle into it.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 – it really sucks. I remember doing this thing when I was yawning constantly or something – just weird twitchy behavior.

        • Thanks, all. Do early side effects have any correlation to whether or not it’ll work for you long-term? I hate to go through all this and a month later, “Yeah, this one isn’t working for you.” I coulda told you that.

          • Calibrachoa :

            I had the worst side-effects with the antidepressant that works the best for me, if that helps any?

            The first week felt like a constant comedown from ecstasy but after that things improved massively.

          • Anonymous :

            No, only time will tell.

            It is very very very very very common to have increased anxiety like symptoms in the first couple weeks if anxiety is a part of your depression/anxiety situation, and this should decrease. I would let your psychiatrist know, as you seem to be more prone to this side effect.

            What docs often do is have the option of an “as-needed” short acting anti-anxiety medication (like ativan) to have at home to help bridge you until the new medication stabilizes.

          • Anonymous :

            No, I don’t think they are predictive either way.

    • If it’s Wellbutrin it will take quite a few weeks! I really wanted to quit, but my doctor persuaded me to ride it out. It was worth it to wait.

    • 2 weeks. My doc told me that it would suck but to stick to it. She was right.

  8. I have to throw a work wedding shower for a coworker of mine- he and his (male) fiance will be getting married in a few weeks. Our team threw me a shower a few months ag0 – we did a 5 minute toilet paper dresses game, ate cupcakes, and they all chipped in to get me a really thoughtful gift card – something they knew I’d use but wouldnt buy for myself. I’d like to repeat the gift card and cupcakes, but I’m looking for ideas for a ‘participatory’ event- a game or other activity for 20ish people for about 10 minutes. I’m stumped because most things are “bridal” themed and this wedding has two grooms and we’re trying to be super neutral- any ideas for a game that’s not so gendered?

    • Anonymous :

      Any of those games where they have to guess answers to trivia about each other? You ask them to fill out answers to questions ahead of time and then in the game they have to guess.

      • Yes this or a variation on the baby shower game: Translate wedding-related words each into a different language. E.g. bells, cake, dance, vows, tuxedo. Then make a quiz for everyone to take to match the word to the correct language. Whoever gets the high score wins a small prize.

    • s in chicago :

      Do you have to have a game? I would have been horrified to have toilet paper dressing going on in front of co-workers. Isn’t cake and small talk and the gift opening enough to occupy 20-30 minutes or so?

    • Not a specific suggestion… but could you create or play a game around an interest of the groom’s? Something like trivia (on teams?) with questions related to a well-known hobby of the groom’s?

      Could you skip the games? People may be relieved to just have cupcakes, chat and give a gift card.

    • Matching games – like match the romantic quote to the movie, match popular couples like Fred & Wilma or Bert & Ernie or Jay Z & Beyonce, or match the love song to the artist or movie.

      Fill in the blank games – finish the marriage phrase (like til death do I _______), finish the groom’s phrase (flower ______), or who knows the groom best (his favorite superpower is ______).

      You could also do one of those scavenger hunts, but with phones, if the attendees will have phones. So like 1 point for a social media app or selfie, 10 points for a pic of the groom(s), 20 points for a call to your mother today, etc.

      You can google image search all of these and find a million printables that you can use as a template for your own.

    • For my friends’ engagement party, there was a ribbon “clothes line” with tiny clothes pins and each of us wrote words of advice or best wishes for them and clipped them on to the ribbons. It was a really sweet thing to do! They also had a selfie wall of all of the selfies they’d taken together and posted on social media. All of the cupcakes and cups and everything were in rainbow colors.

  9. Sloan Sabbith :

    Thanks for the outfit advice last night (that was me). I ended up wearing ponte straight cut pants and a ponte blazer that all matched because I got them last night and they make me feel amazing.

    Presentation went really well- anxiety hit after, not before. I was told I was engaging and enjoyable to listen to. Whew.

  10. Anxonymous :

    Wise women: Have any of you had success with managing (or eliminating) anxiety without medications? Recently, I’ve realized I am tense all the time, having to actively remind myself to unclench my jaw/fists/muscles in even non-stressful situations, my muscles ache from the tension, and I’m generally on edge. My mind races all the time. I think I must have some sort of anxiety disorder, and I really don’t want to start taking a medication before I have tried all the alternatives. I exercise regularly and recently began minimizing caffeine and doing breathing/meditation, but I haven’t made much progress over the last few weeks.

    Though I’ve always been a generally happy and laid-back person, I have a theory that I have perhaps been masking slowly growing anxiety by overeating for years–treating food as medication–and it’s now gotten bad enough that I’m noticing it while trying NOT to treat it with food. I’m also on the early end of menopause, working full time, and mom to two kids under age 5, so, you know, life is also just harder these days.

    Stories of managing anxiety WITH medication are welcome too–I’m just trying to get a handle on the various ways I can deal with this.

    • Yoga.

      I wish I’d started yoga 6 years ago when I could have written what you wrote. I was skeptical that it could make such a difference, but it does. Yoga 1-2x week has made a tremendous difference in the physical manifestation of that non-specific stress/anxiety. No more clenched muscles/shoulder strain. Breathing is easier. Mind feels calmer. Muscles just some how magically feel *good* instead of randomly achy. When I miss a few weeks because life gets stressful, I notice it. In contrast, running regularly was helpful in that it wore me out and did provide some stress relief, but the benefits were nothing like yoga.

      • Anxonymous :

        OP here. This is really exciting for me to hear–I have always kind of wanted to commit to a yoga practice, and I think this may be the issue (and the reply!) that finally spurs me into action. Thank you!

      • Nelly Yuki :

        Same to me. I will also add that I was not able to commit to a yoga practice (3X/week for me is my “dose”) until I was on a medication. I was so anxious that I could not sleep, which meant I couldn’t get up early enough for yoga, and so on. The medication evened me out enough to make the changes I needed to make: better, higher quality sleep, consistent yoga practice. Then I was able to transition off the medication and keep my good sleep and yoga practice. Life. Changing.

        What has helped me keep it up: a supportive/not-obstructive partner (i.e., agreeing to make sure the shower is available to me when I get home from yoga because I have to hustle to get work on time), feeling better, setting my fitbit app to have a goal of exercise 3X/week (I record the yoga in the app and am pumped when I get all three days), and setting a goal of going 12 times in the first month. I know talk about yoga as my medicine and can tell when I’ve been slacking and/or when I might need to be a little more diligent about it.

    • Anonymous :

      Honestly, nothing works as well as antidepressants for me, but you could look into mindfulness meditation specifically (John Kabat-Zinn) if you haven’t already – it at least has research behind it.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes, but it involved a lot of CBT with a therapist who is an excellent match for me; consistent meditation; and consistent yoga. It was a massive infusion of time… and the therapist really would have preferred that I use medication too. I don’t know that it would have been feasible if I’d had two babies at home in addition to the rest of life’s demand.

    • This is pretty dramatic, but I left a toxic job where I had terrible anxiety. I was unemployed for a while. But almost immediately, I was able to stop stress-eating (and lose 30 lbs), stop grinding my teeth at night, work on my self-esteem, and wean off my anxiety meds. Being less anxious and having more confidence put me in a much better place to job search, and I found a new job in a much better environment for me where I can manage my anxiety better without medication. I’m certainly not suggesting that you quit your job, but I had to remove the biggest sources of stress from my life to even begin to manage my anxiety without medication.

    • Anonymous :

      There’s nothing wrong with taking a medication. It’s not shameful or a last resort. Treating it that way is doing yourself a disservice and insulting to others who have mental health issues.

      I can do all the yoga in the world but it won’t fix a chemical imbalance in my brain.

      • Anxonymous :

        Thanks for the reply. I’m truly sorry if something I said caused you pain.

        To be clear, medication is a last resort for me, because of my own priorities in the way I choose to treat issues that arise for me–be they physical pains or mental health issues (e.g. I always try to treat headaches with natural remedies before I take painkillers). I don’t think medication should be a last resort in all instances, and I certainly don’t mean to insult people with mental health issues. I was speaking about my own issue and my own desired approach.

        • Anonymous :

          Good luck with your “natural remedies.” (Let me guess – oils?)

          • This is unwarranted. The OP did not say anything negative about taking medication, just that she wants to try all other options first. She may end up doing these things and also going on medication, which is my situation as well. Nobody is talking about essential oils, and most suggestions that people have posted have been supported by medical studies.

          • Anxonymous :

            Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever been trolled before. Is that what is happening right now?

            Anyway, no–not oils. (What in the world would make you think “natural remedies” must mean oils?) I mean things like food choices, exercise, meditation, yoga, vitamin supplementation, and any other ideas that the smart people here might suggest.

            I do hope the non-trolls here know that I didn’t mean to imply that my way is the only way or best way.

          • You are just being nasty. Some of us have had reactions to medications like antidepressants or anti-anxiety or have family members who have not reacted well (i.e., suicide). Nothing wrong with looking into other ways to treat or help anxiety.

        • Anonymous :

          But how do you define natural? I mean, what is Lithium if not natural – it’s an element.

          • well, it’s not like you actually ingest elemental Lithium. That would (quiet literally) burn. When some is taking “lithium” as a medication, it’s a lithium salt that has been processed to a standard dosage. Maybe that salt is also naturally occurring, but… doesn’t mean you go around liking rocks to get a dose.

      • Ditto this. I think there are two kinds of anxious – there’s chemical imbalance anxious (howdy, nice to meet you) and there’s “life is stressful” anxious. They aren’t mutually exclusive, but going to therapy can teach you tools to manage. Personally, when I discovered those tools and meditation and exercise and clean eating and a vacation weren’t helping, that’s when I knew it was chemical and I needed medication.

        • Oops, sorry – not the OP of this post!

        • Anonymous :

          Very well said.

          I’m afraid that “my-mind-is-racing-all-the-time” anxiety is not going to fixed with adding yoga etc….. That is a red flag to me.

          The OP is doing a very good job at trying a lot of important lifestyle modifications (decreasing caffeine is an important one for you…. nice job). You would benefit from therapy and CBT, the anxiety workbook (buy on Amazon), more mindfulness and sure…..yoga, but it sounds like you will need a medication …. even if just to bridge you…. while working with a therapist.

          • Anonymous :

            How can you conclude based on what OP has requested and said that she needs medicine? OP is looking for non-pharmaceutical solutions, she said.

            OP, I believe in you. Mind over matter.

          • Anonymous :

            Well, I can say that medication negatively affected my creativity and therefore my ability to perform my job well – I am a writer. On the other hand, mindfulness, meditation, and yoga helped get the “hampster off the wheel” in a way that medication didn’t.

      • To the best of my knowledge, the idea that our current psychiatric medications actually address the chemical imbalances in our brains is not scientifically supported or even claimed by psychiatry. Psychiatric drugs have effects that may compensate for the effects of something else that’s going on in our brains, but it’s not as though there’s a chemical imbalance that they are putting back into balance (that would be awesome though).

      • Anonymous :

        Maybe not. But for people who don’t have a bona fide chemical imbalance, and maybe just could use some better coping mechanisms or tools learned through CBT to manage their anxiety, meds aren’t necessary. And that’s okay for her and it should be okay for you.

        Maybe you are anxious because you’re one of those people who can’t recognize when something is not about them? Just a suggestion.

        • Yeah, I mean I am experiencing something similar to the OP and I know it is job related stress. I particularly know this because I had a month off (like, actually off, not answering emails off.) for unrelated reasons and midway through week two all the issues ceased. After a week back at work they were all back. Meds might help, but also probably aren’t required.

    • Therapy – it is absolutely insane to me how just talk-therapy helped me manage

    • Anonymous :

      Exercise 5 days a week, lots of sunlight/outdoor time, and cutting back on caffiene. I had anxiety and once I started exercising (very consistently) it went away!

    • anon for this :

      Figure out where you’re clenching your muscles and stretch/massage that area like crazy. Using topical ointments like Mineral Ice on those areas can really help too. It’s sending your body the message to calm, rather than trying to reason with your mind.

    • Yes and no? My anxiety and depression are so intertwined that if I’m not on my antidepressant there’s no way for me to successfully manage my anxiety without a specific anti-anxiety medicine. However, when I am on my antidepressant, I am much more successful at managing my anxiety through many of the suggestions above – yoga, exercise, and other good self-care practices.

      I sprinkle in therapy because I like it and, for me, it doesn’t hurt anything.

    • I have always had anxiety and tried to manage it on my own in the past. Exercise helped me a lot back then, but it was by no means a cure all. More recently, I went through a bunch of big life changes and things really got out of control. I started out with medication to help me stabilize and concurrently did some therapy and got into meditation. Now I am off the medication and doing well with therapy, meditation, exercise, and lots of attention to mindfulness and intention. It’s a lot of work! Don’t be afraid to cut yourself a break and take medication (even for a little while) if it’s what you need. We are so used to being able to overcome any challenge that we look to do the same with anxiety–it doesn’t necessarily work that way. As my doc likes to remind me, no one would tell you to try to clean up your act without medicine if you had cancer. Mental health is no different.

    • Anonymous for this one :

      Hi! I share your outlook and general disposition. I choose not to medicate for anxiety and also avoid ibuprofen for headaches when there are “natural remedies” that work for me. For the record, I do not use essential oils or that type of hocus pocus.

      For me, the most critical thing has been sufficient and regular sleep. Prioritizing sleep has made a tremendous difference for me, along with complementary things including regular deep tissue massage and frequent rigorous and moderate exercise and exposure to the outdoors/sunlight.

      For the question your asking and for your circumstances you’re outlining, I think you can work through your anxiety, and it sounds like you have enough self awareness to get professional help if you’re not making the progress you need to make. Good luck!

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      I would definitely give CBT a shot! I dunno if I had a real Anxiety Disorder or just a lot of anxiety, but even just a CBT workbook on my own has helped me a lot.

    • For me, quitting the pill addressed these symptoms. It took forever for someone to make this connection, but the jaw clenching, sleep, etc. were better within days. If you are on the pill or have anything else hormonal going on, I recommend considering this before resorting to psychiatrics.

    • Same question :

      I’m also at the point where I think I need to do something more serious to address my anxiety, and these suggestions are helpful. I’ve always been pretty anxious but mostly blamed it on my lifestyle (BigLaw FTW). Then, over a year ago, I quit my stressful job and moved out of my HCOL city, and now have a far more relaxed life/job, but my anxiety hasn’t gotten better and actually seems to have gotten much worse. It’s almost like the stressful job didn’t give me time to worry about “nothing” — at least when I got anxious I could blame it on a specific stressful situation — but now that I have much more free time, my anxiety is through the roof (had a panic attack a few weeks ago) and most of the time it’s about completely ridiculous, unlikely situations. I’m planning to try to find a therapist and like the OP, I’m wary about medication (have a relative who had a very terrifying experience with psychiatric medication). However, if meds are the answer, in particular to jumpstart getting better, then I’m open to it. I prefer to read about a topic and educate myself as much as possible before making these types of decisions… does anyone have any recommendations for books/articles about the different kinds of therapy and meds available? Also, I’ve never tried to find a therapist before and don’t know many people in my city I’m comfortable asking for recommendations; what’s the best way to research that?

      • Anonymous :

        Start with your primary care doctor.

        If you don’t have a primary care doctor, ask one of the senior women you know / work with to recommend someone. I choose the person I respect the most to ask for a rec.

    • Yep. Been managing complex PTSD, anxiety, and the occasional bout of depression for years with zero medication. It can be done, and for me, doing it without medication has encouraged me to make positive and meaningful changes in my life. My strategies are: therapy (with trusted therapist with expertise in the area), intense exercise, trying to stay on top of sleeping and eating right, mindfulness and self-feedback, and most important for my own well-being, throwing myself into my career. I am also lucky to have a supportive partner. I have done CBT in the past but am having the most success right now with psychodynamic methods. For me, understanding the root of why I respond the way I do to things has helped me the most to manage and overcome.

  11. Shoe help, please!

    Attending a wedding just north of Boston in mid-December, and I just bought a dress for the cocktail attire reception, which will be held in a place that is getting decked out for Christmas. Festive is the name of the game. I am in my early thirties, and its a family wedding, but like, a fun family (dowdy doesn’t fly).

    The dress: https://www.eloquii.com/draped-front-metallic-knit-dress/1225326.html

    I just need shoe inspiration. I’ve got time and a small budget and a back-up shoe, so I’m just needing some inspiration to see if there’s something better out there. I have no idea, aside from black or silver, what to do here. Happy to entertain ideas to get me out of my rut!

    • Can you walk in heels? Can you wear a 10 or 10.5?

      Please buy these, which I have been drooling over since August

      https://www.fluevog.com/shop/4963-andromeda-silver

      • oh, SO fun! I love the gunmetal and black combo…good inspiration! (and I am indeed a 10!)

        • You might be a 10.5 in them – if you’re interested call the Fluevog store nearest you for advice. They are really helpful. I’m so envious!!

      • s in chicago :

        Now I’m drooling. How did I not know Fluevog did more than guys shoes??? These have the same heel and are so amazing:

        https://www.fluevog.com/shop/4948-estella-purple?item=25&of=74&anchor=true

    • These are the most comfortable heels I’ve worn if you’re ok with strappy in the winter! I think the black pair would be super cute http://a.co/aafIu1V

      • Those are cute (and I’m flagging these for springier events!), but I would need something more covered (I’ll likely need to wear hosiery, as I am a pathetic shell of my former new england-cold-doesnt-bother-me! self since I’ve lived south for the past 5 years)!

    • beautiful dress! depending on your skin tone, I’d go with a red/wine/burgundy- here’s two options under $100:

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/imagine-by-vince-camuto-oya-asymmetrical-pointy-toe-pump-women/4674556?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=CURRANT%20SATIN

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/daya-by-zendaya-aaron-pointy-toe-pump-women/4392397?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=WINE%20SUEDE

      • I love these ideas! Burgundy would be more festive, and totally interesting with this dress….love it. Thank you! Inspiration!

      • These are great picks! I love the idea of a wine or burgundy velvet heel with this dress.

    • Ooo I would do a dark red patent or velvet fo sho.

    • Anonymous :

      If you’re willing to do open toe, these would be perfect: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-lulu-brocade-block-heel-sandal-pumps-merona-153/-/A-52487061

      Target does have a lot of great, red, closed-toe choices.

    • Anonymous :

      https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2236705/shellys-london-thrift-platform-pump-women?color=GRAPHITE

      https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2194622/jewel-badgley-mischka-lake-suede-lace-up-pump?color=WINE%20VELVE

      https://www.nordstromrack.com/shop/product/2154496/nine-west-lyoka-ankle-strap-pump?color=WINE%20FB

  12. Baconpancakes :

    For another option similar to this dress in straight and plus sizes (and on sale!), there’s a great Modcloth dress I wore to a wedding recently, and got tons of compliments on. It doesn’t feel like a $400 dress, but it looks very nice, and is super budget friendly ($45!).

    • Baconpancakes :

      https://www.modcloth.com/shop/sale-dresses/celebrate-success-lace-dress/151985.html?dwvar_151985_color=083&breadcrumb=plus_size_lace_dresses_1535

  13. Anonymous :

    Suggestions for onesies for longggg skinny babies? DD is 7 months and 99% for height, but usually 20-30% for weight.

    • Anonymous :

      Children’s Place. Also works for long skinny toddlers, for future reference ;)

    • I’m imagining an Eileen Fisher for babies…slender willowy baby clothes! Ha!

    • Anonymous :

      I have heard that Hannah Anderson runs long.

    • I was the world’s longest babies, and now my nephews are super-lanky too. The trick is to not get ones with feet, because our giant feet and long legs meant we didn’t fit in footed ones. Hannas have been the best for my SIL for my nephews!

    • lawsuited :

      If you’re in Canada, Joe Fresh sleepers fit my long baby best. Carters is also good.

  14. Shopaholic :

    Anyone want to do some vicarious shopping for me? I’m going to a wedding next weekend and have nothing to wear for the reception (everyone is changing in between the ceremony and reception and I have a pretty long-sleeved printed dress for the ceremony).

    I’m in Canada so RTR is not an option. My budget is ideally under $150. I want something cocktail length, fun, and something I can wear again. I carry my weight in my tummy and hips so nothing too straight. Anyone have any ideas? I browsed online a bit but couldn’t find anything and I got frustrated and gave up.

    Thanks all!

    • I haven’t shopped here yet but check out Ever New: https://www.evernew.ca/evening-dresses

      A decent variety of on-trend dresses at your price range.

      There’s a brick & mortar location in Toronto if that’s where you are located.

    • Anonymous :

      Well, it’s “Bay Days” and most of these are within your budget – do any of them appeal? I find this brand remarkably good quality for the price, and comfortable to wear.

      http://www.thebay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/en/thebay/brand/laurenralphlauren/womens-apparel/party-dresses

    • Excel Geek :

      Just wore this (in black) to a wedding this weekend and it was great! Comfy, and my tummy wasn’t on display! And it’s on sale.

      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/alfani-lace-sleeve-a-line-dress-created-for-macys?ID=4687237&CategoryID=5449&swatchColor=Classic%20Wine#fn=sp%3D1%26spc%3D86%26ruleId%3D78%26kws%3Dalfani%20dresses%26ackws%3Dalfani%26searchType%3Dac%26searchPass%3DexactMultiMatch%26slotId%3D2

  15. Harvey Weinstein is so disgusting. I am feeling terrible for Georgina Chapman, who is stunning and has her own successful career and business, but ended up marrying and having kids with a guy who is absolutely disgusting and did unthinkable things, abusing his powerful position and taking advantage of many vulnerable women who needed a break to pursue their own dreams.

    Do you think Georgina did not really know him even though she was married to him for a decade? Is it possible that none of her friends told her about any of these incidents? Or do you think he was just really good at lying to her all this time and making excuses for all of the whispers and weird reactions that I’m sure she observed at all of these major Hollywood galas that they attended together?

    Just to clarify, I am not saying AT ALL that she is complicit any of this – just trying to wrap myself around the possibility that someone could be married to someone who is so horrific and is scum of the earth and may not know it until about a decade and 2 kids later when your lives are going to be permanently entwined.

    • I think she may have known. I believe that unless he is a really good liar and actor those kinds of personality traits will show up in other ways. That is he may put up a good facade but every now and then cracks will appear. To me he is someone who comes across as selfish with no regard at all for others. The claim that the encounters were consensual is complete denial on his part i.e. he wants to believe the women wanted to even though most say they were forced and preyed upon. I would find it hard to believe that he was a complete saint at home. Maybe the coming to light of allegations was the final nail in the coffin for the wife i.e. the public humiliation and/or final confirmation of something you have been suspecting all along. And also quite possibly she may have found out who he really was after marriage and kids and by then just walking away is also a hard thing to do.

    • I’m guessing she knew about it, at least about the rumors, but knew the huge personal and professional toll she would pay if she got rid of him. Every one of his “girls” wore Marchesa, so she was benefiting from this arrangement either directly (because he made the women do it) or indirectly (because the women did it to appease him). I’m going to guess she was a “girl” of his first, before they got married, and she got sucked up in being his “The One”, the one he chose to marry, the one he came home to at the end of the night. Once that wore off, she probably was the most aware of what she had to lose, how thoroughly he could ruin her, her business, and even her kids.

      I also don’t think for one second this is isolated to Weinstein. There have been rumors and “open secrets” about almost all of the powerful men in Hollywood and fashion and media forever. She probably knows that losing his favor meant being blackballed personally and professionally for the rest of her life, from any industry that she has a talent in. That’s a high price to pay for speaking out.

      That doesn’t make her complicit necessarily, but I don’t think it’s as simple as what you’re suggesting – that she had no idea this was happening for 10 years. I think she knew and made her own calculations based on knowing the type of powerful, threatening man he is, and who her allies really would be. Don’t discount the fact this is all coming out only now that he’s less influential than he has been.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 to all of this

        and on a side note — I am just not shocked by any of this in any way. And not because it’s a #yesAllMen thing, but because it is Hollywood/movies/film/media in particular. I mean, god, we could look through DECADES and see abuse like this just rampant from the vintage studios.

        like above said, there are ‘open secrets’ about SO MANY scumbags in Hollywood. This is the tip of the iceberg. I do not think Weinstein was the most powerful, the worst abuser, or the most notorious. this is just the beginning.

      • Anonymous :

        I have no idea if she knew about the sex stuff, and obviously don’t blame her for his actions. But I’m sure she knew he had to threaten a bunch of actresses to get Marchesa off the ground and that the continued success of the business depended on him bullying top actresses to wear her designs, so I don’t feel too much sympathy for her. I think she was using him for his A-list connections for sure. I would def not say the same Elin Nordgren or other cheated on-women but Georgina Chapman is different to me, because of the entanglement of her business with Harvey’s business.

    • Oh good, let’s play everyone’s favorite game, How Can We Blame This On A Woman?

      Just like how Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton were more harmed by Bill’s indiscretions than he was, all I have seen recently about Weinstein is how women should have said something, women should have done something.

      Specifically with regard to his wife, you don’t know what happened in their marriage. You don’t know what she knew or when she knew or anything. She did not ask women to massage her or watch her shower in exchange for employment opportunities, he did. So let’s leave her out of it.

      And let’s stop playing the game.

      • Anonymous :

        Yup. Don’t ask these questions. It’s none of your business. Just by speculating you are making him a woman’s problem.

      • Did you even read my post? Where do you see me blaming her, or any woman, for his despicable conduct?

        • Not you so much as the responses to your post.

        • I don’t think you’re specifically trying to blame her, but asking the question “do you think she knew?” implies that if she did know, she should therefore have taken some action to prevent it.

          • No, you are reading too much into my question, which is coming from a place of sympathy. I thought the same about Elin Nordegren, who also married a superstar and seemed to “have it all” (looks, brains, $$, beautiful kids) only to have her world crumble when the news about Tiger’s years of womanizing was revealed over a Thanksgiving holiday. All of those perfect People Magazine pictures certainly don’t tell you the whole story.

          • What’s the point of wondering then? I don’t understand what meaning the answer to the question would have if you’re not trying to imply that knowing should’ve made her take some action.

            IIRC, the Tiger Woods scandal was about infidelity, which I don’t really think is a good comparison to abusing women who aren’t your wife, so, again, don’t see what that has to do with anything.

        • Anonymous :

          Yup. And you speculating is what I have a problem with.

      • People are blaming Weinstein on Hillary too! Because she was socially friendly with him and took his money I guess? I’m not sure how that makes her responsible for his assaults. Also Kelly Anne Conway kept dumping on HRC for her “deafening silence” about Weinstein and then when HRC spoke out and said the expected stuff about Weinstein being awful, KAC said it was super hypocritical because Bill is a scumbag too. Literally what is Hillary supposed to do!? It’s ridiculous.

    • Or, maybe, the abusive man who abuses hundreds of women was also abusing his wife.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Yup.

        • This is something that occurred to me too even though I didn’t bring it up in my post above. And that’s why I said after being married and having kids, the decision to leave is even harder.

          I am not blaming her just voicing my opinion that there must have been signs that he wasn’t such a great guy–but nothing big enough to make her leave…until now.

      • So that explanation makes sense to me. To be clear, I see her as a victim who will not be able to completely avoid him for her life because he is the father of her children. Again, I have sympathy for her, as well as for all of the victims of this horribly abusive monster.

        • Totally agree. And, it didn’t escape my notice that she didn’t announce the divorce until women like Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie came forward, and men like Brad Pitt confirmed their accounts.

          Basically, until there was no way he was going to get out of it. No way he was going to silence it. i.e., no way he was going to get to use his legal muscle which is well documented to take her children from her and destroy her company. All of which, if he is as deep in the power and control abuse dynamic as he appears to be, he probably did. I would actually be surprised if he DIDN’T abuse and control his wife.

    • I would not jump to the conclusion that she knew. I’ve known people who were genuinely blind-sided that their spouses cheated on them, even when it was an open secret among the spouse’s coworkers and other people in the industry, and when there was a history of cheating with previous partners, etc. (I know Weinstein not only cheated but sexually harassed, assaulted and r*ped women.) Some people just want to believe in their life, and some people are really good at lying and manipulating the people around them.

      • Flats Only :

        Plus since she was busy with her own career, it’s not like she was sitting around doing nothing, wondering what he was up to every minute of the day.

      • Also, although it’s likely he behaved similarly to her, it’s possible he didn’t. That doesn’t mean he didn’t do it to the other women. Sometimes the spouse is part of the facade.

  16. Twitter tweets :

    I’m thinking of joining Twitter, just because I’m not on FB, and I seem to be behind on goings-on (eg, political events, news from my favorite bands, etc.). I saw you sign up with either email or phone. Which makes more sense? Also, how private is it. I don’t intend to tweet myself, just follow, but do you get spam, and can you be bothered by other people finding you, like on FB?

    • I think I have both conencted to my account for lockout purposes. You can turn off the setting that allows users to find you by email, as is the case with most social media.

      You can make your account private, so that people must request to follow you, and you don’t have to use your real name if you don’t want.

      A recommendation if you do join, follow your local city reporters’ personal accounts. They post the most interesting local scoops

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      I don’t get a lot of spam, and no one ever bothers me. Especially if you’re not tweeting at all, it shouldn’t be a problem for you either! :)

    • Flats Only :

      Definitely join. Not sure on security/privacy, but I just use mine for hyper local news (road closures, etc.) and for following my precious Washington Nationals. (Last night was very sad). I always hated facebook, and eventually dropped it entirely, and have found twitter allows me to “participate” in social media as a lurker without having to see my friends nonsense.

      • Someone recently said “Facebook makes you hate people you know; Twitter makes you love people you’ve never met.”

    • I have a designated “junk” gmail account that I use for shopping emails/promos, etc and also use for my twitter account. It’s not connected to my real name or any of the more personal social media accounts. Twitter’s pretty easy to manage and if you’re not doing a lot of tweeting, you won’t be bothered.

  17. Can anyone recommend a wake-up light? (Alarm clock that emits bright light when it wakes you up?)

    • I have this one. I wish the clock would go all the way off, but i’ve positioned it so that it’s covered and the back-glow is minimised. Definitely helps for the long dark winter mornings.

      https://www.amazon.ca/Philips-HF3520-Wake-Up-Coloured-Simulation/dp/B0093162RM/ref=pd_lpo_vtph_121_bs_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=82PKQX1YRG6WADXE8BYF

    • My Lumie alarm clock has, no lie, changed my life. I wake up effectively now. Don’t know the exact model, but it’s a big white bubble, and has radio and nature sounds built in.

    • Love my BioBright. I’ve had it since 2011 and it hasn’t even needed a new bulb yet.

      https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00196LFIU/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

  18. RTR for vacay :

    Rent the Runway unlimited – worth it? Going on a beach vacation in November and dont have a lot of appropriate dresses for evening. I don’t want to buy anything right now for a bunch of reasons, but also feel like if I am trying to save $ (one of the reasons) $135 isn’t cheap. That said, I probably couldn’t get 3 quality non-designer dresses for that much so…

    Thoughts?

    • Anonymous :

      Why would you need fancy outfits for a beach vacation?

    • RTR unlimited is not a good option if you are a cusp size. They don’t (didn’t?) say in their advertising what size ranges RTR unlimited is for, so I signed up. I found terrible options for sizes 16-18. I ended up canceling the subscription within 30 minutes when – after filtering for size – the results were only handbags and earrings. Gahhh! Totally different than their regular dress rental experience.

    • Anonymous :

      I would factor in that you will probably need to pay for 2 months of it. The first set of dresses you try might not all work, and then you need some time to send them back and get ones that work better.

      They don’t have all dresses in your size in stock at all times, so there may be a more limited selection then you would expect. And since you need to order three at a time, there’s a balance between getting one you want and waiting for other ones you want to come in, which may never happen before vacation.

  19. Ivory dress red shoes :

    Posting late, hope someone is still out there. I’m wearing an ivory dress with dark red velvet heels for a November event in the south (so not very cold) and can’t figure out what color or type of tights to wear. Have medium brown skin (think Zoe Saldana) if that helps. Any ideas? Link to follow.

    • Ivory dress red shoes :

      Link: https://m.macys.com/shop/product/vince-camuto-jacquard-fit-flare-dress-a-macys-exclusive-style?ID=2977439&CategoryID=5449#fn=COLOR%3DGold%3B%3BIvory%2FCream%3B%3BWhite%26SPECIAL_OCCASIONS%3DParty%2FCocktail%26SIZE%3D%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D1177%26ruleId%3D78%7CBOOST%20SAVED%20SET%26searchPass%3DmatchNone%26slotId%3D18

    • I wouldn’t wear hose or tights, why not go bare legged?

  20. Can't hold a conversation :

    Hi everyone. Firstly, I am 24, a recent graduate and a new hire in a global engineering company. I feel like I’m struggling massively with anxiety (specifically social) within my role. I always come into work upbeat and friendly, but I massively struggle to have conversations. I can’t seem to engage in general chats like other people, and I often just resort to silence. People probably think I’m ignorant, but I’m just really struggling to talk. Even when people talk to me first, it soon dies out as I can’t seem to keep a conversation going.
    What’s wrong with me?? :( Feeling so down on myself this week.

    • Anonymous :

      It sounds like you have social anxiety. One quick tip – ask people questions (nothing too personal or intrusive) – people like to talk about themselves, be asked for their opinions about things, be asked for advice, etc.

      • Can't hold a conversation :

        Thanks! This is actually usually my go-to, but I haven’t even been able to do that this week.

    • First of all, it might not be you. It might be them! Im married to an engineer and have lots of experience with his social circle. Practice being cool and confident with the silence. Or some ready phrases if you need to cut your losses with a conversation (well, I better get back at it — talk to you later!) :)

      Second, the longer you are with the company, and the more people you know there, the more conversation topics that you will have in common with your coworkers. Unfortunately, I think a lot of office chitchat is gossip about other coworkers, or clients or whatever (often not malicious). For now, you could ask people for advice on light subjects — where is the best place to get lunch around here?

      Third, I used to struggle a lot with social anxiety. I’m now 33 and my coworkers would be stunned to learn that just ten years ago I would be literally shaking if I had to talk to someone whom I didn’t know well. I’m pretty darn good at small talk now. I promise, this does really get easier with practice and with the confidence that comes with age and experience. Keep your chin up and keep at it!

  21. Paging Chicago :

    Any update from your post earlier week about your husband and the restraining order? Wondering how you’re doing…

  22. Clear Skin Please :

    Anyone has suggestions dealing with adult acne? I’ve been trying to eat clean in an attempt to fight it (steamed proteins, boiled veggies, salad, no carbs, no caffeine, no dairy, no sugar) for a couple of months now, but I still get the dreaded few cysts at my jawline / chin area a couple of days before my period like clockwork. These usually don’t end well; the redness and subsequent hyperpigmentation takes a really, really long time to subside.

    I’m fairly certain my acne is completely hormonal – I’ve tried every single dermatological solution since my teens (antibiotics, BCP, retin-A, differin, multiple courses of accutane), only accutane really worked, but the acne came back a few months after (though I must say it’s a lot more manageable now). Has anyone gone to their OB/GYN for skin-related issues? I find that derms treat acne only symptomatically (e.g. with accutane) and so it tends to come back.

    • Adult Acne :

      My husband has adult acne (cystic). He went through a couple of rounds of Accutane and is now on a low-dose antibiotic that keeps things under control. If you’re OK with that approach, it might be worth asking your dermatologist about it or finding another dermatologist. Also, keep in mind that sometimes it takes a couple of rounds of Accutane for it be effective.

    • Anonymous :

      I too went through something similar. Nothing worked for me until I tried spironolactone. Now, with a dose of 25 mg twice per day, and being careful about the products that I use, and limiting my dairy intake, my skin is much more controlled. i do still get some pop-ups when i have my period, but they are less cystic and angry and go away quickly.

    • Spironolactone really helped with my hormonal breakouts. I don’t think it’s something you go on and off of, like accutane. It’s something you can stay on for a while. I’ve been on it for a couple of years with really good results.

      • Winter Slob :

        I am in my mid 30s and have terrible acne. I’ve tried different things but for the last month i have been using one of L’Oreals clay masks, the green one that is about $10. I used it every 2-3 days and it has really improved my skin. It’s a low effort solution that i’d recommend just in case it works. I had used Glamglow before, this one works way better and cheaper.

  23. New Coat Needed - help! :

    Ready to invest in a really good, warm, classic coat this year, one I could get years of use out of. Think cloth, not puffy – one to wear over full on business wear. Could be knee length, or midi. I could spend up to $750 on this, so I truly consider it an investment piece. Live in the brutally cold north, so has to actually do its job of keeping me warm. If you have experience with brands or fabrics to pass on, very appreciative. I’ve no experience with cashmere coats (and worry about how they hold up if they actually get moisture on them). I’m a complete newbie on this topic!!

    • If you’re Canadian the Judith and Charles Lulea is my pick. Been eyeballing some version of that coat for a few years. Beautiful and warm and 100% wool.

    • I bought a Cinzia Rocca on sale from Saks off 5th or Last Call a couple of years ago. It is a beautiful coat. Happy to have paid around $700 for it, would have been less happy paying $1200. I’ve seen the brand at Lord and Taylor also.

      • Nordstrom makes down Cinzia Rocca occasionally as well. I got the most gorgeous black wool coat last winter for $450 (down from $900).

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