Coffee Break: Pyramid Spike Y-Necklace

If you’re looking for a long but delicate necklace to wear with tops, do consider this pretty “spike” necklace — not only is it only $38, but it’s got a number of positive reviews about how easy it is to wear at Nordstrom, and at BaubleBar they’ve declared it a “BB Essental.” Sadly, it only comes in goldtone (sad trombone from the chick who’s still a little obsessed with rose gold). Pyramid Spike’ Y-Necklace

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  1. Anonymous :

    I’m so exhausted today! What are your strategies for making it through the afternoon slump on a Monday?

    • drink water
      walk around the block
      do some stretches
      eat some peanut M&Ms
      find a new place to do your work – like a conference room/library etc
      set the timer and power for 20 minutes and then reward yourself with 5 minutes of fluff website time
      try a new soundtrack on Spotify

  2. I read the morning thread on morning routines with interest. I would love to skip showering and washing my hair in the mornings. Those of you who shower at night, do you dry your hair before bed? If not, how do you deal with morning bedhead? I hate drying my hair. I wash it every 3-4 days.

    • Anonymous :

      Can you elaborate on your hair style / texture / overall oil output? I think that the refresh techniques are so hair / cut / oil / product specific that there no general answer.

      In general, if you have to do your hair to make it look good, no way can you wash your hair, sleep on it wet, and wake up with it looking to your liking. If you are a six year old girl, it may look fantastic. Life is unfair.

      • My hair is top of shoulder length with sideswept bangs. I wear it straight, or straight-ish, but it has a slight natural wave that I’ve never been able to make look intentional.

        I usually just blow dry it straight, or straight-enough.

        • AnonInfinity :

          Have you tried using a flat iron in the mornings if you blow it straight the night before? That would be my first line.

          • Yeah, this is basically what I do on day 2-3 of my non washing cycle. (Fourth day, If I’m being honest, is a ponytail or claw clip)

            I guess I was hoping there was some magical solution to air drying it while sleeping so that I don’t have to haul out the hair dryer. I really hate the dryer. Fine hair but lots of strands (fine, thick) means it takes forever to dry.

      • Anonymous :

        I had a friend in high school with very long (like lower back length) crazy curly hair that she made stick straight daily. She said she would rub in a heat protectant, then let her hair dry about 90% of the way and then blow dry the rest. It cut the time down a lot. She would flat iron it in the a.m. I never tried it because it seemed like it would be terrible on the hair that was mostly dry?

    • Shopaholic :

      I shower in the morning but wash my hair at night (probably the same frequency as you) and dry and straighten it. In the morning, I just run my flat iron over it again. My hair would not look good being air dried and slept on but it does cut down on morning styling time

    • I sometimes wash my hair/shower at night – my method is to put in my styling cream into wet hair & tie it up into a wet bun on top of my head. In the morning, it’s dried about 30% that way, but far from all the way and I just blow it out. It saves me the time of showering with a hair wash (but I often just rinse off as I don’t like the sleep feeling), and the blow dry is a few minutes faster too. I’d do this more, but I usually work out in the morning so it’s only something I do when I’ve got a really early meeting and I’m not working out.

    • I wash my hair at night, just before bed. It’s still damp in the morning, so I can blow-dry and straighten as usual, but the blow-drying is much quicker than it would be if my hair was totally wet.
      About shoulder-length but thick (and apparently slow to dry).

    • I’m not sure how things would change if you don’t wash your hair daily anyway. What do you normally do about bedhead on days you don’t wash your hair?

      I wash at night, go to bed with it wet, assess the damage in the morning and either put it in a ponytail or not. I don’t have the patience for hot tools or blow drying.

      • I have huge curly bushy hair and burst out laughing reading this, because with the ridiculousness that is sleeping-with-wet-curly-hair, it’s unimaginable that I could do anything similar to what I would do on days I didn’t wash my hair. As in, no ponytail could possibly fix it.

        • My daughter has extremely thick, dry, curly hair and I never dry it before she goes to bed at night. I sweat by her Ouidad products. They really weigh down and define the curl so she wakes up looking great. Sometimes, if I’m trying to avoid her getting too many knots, I will throw it in a french braid. That way when she wakes up it is still fairly wet/damp and it will air dry hanging down straight–also resulting in good, defined curls. You can also try sleeping with a satin pillow case. It reduces the friction for your hair and, thus, the frizz.

      • Same. I blow dry if I want to wear it down and pretty for an event or specific outing. Otherwise, no blow dry. My stylist comments that my hair is “too healthy” to keep volume such as from hot rollers or texturizing spray, and I attribute this to minimal heat damage.

    • If I have time, I do a nice blow-dry before bed. I have fine, slippery hair, so I don’t find the bedhead to be too bad. If it’s really late and I’m just trying to fall into bed as soon as possible, then I’ll just rough dry it. Sometimes blowdrying it and then hot rollers in the morning gives a good result.

      • Oh, and I have fine, wavy hair that lasts about 36 hours before it starts showing oil. (And yes, I do mean 36 hours!)

    • Anonymous :

      I normally shower as soon as I get home from work so my hair has time to air dry before bed. I don’t think it looks particularly amazing the next morning, but at least it’s not all tangled the way it would be if I slept on wet hair and I don’t have to do anything to it in the AM except run a brush through it a couple of times. I have no time or patience for blow-drying my hair, and letting it air dry at night is much more professional than going to work with wet hair.

    • Anonymous :

      I have extremely thick, unruly curly hair that I always wear curly. The curls look way better when I airdry, and I don’t have the patience to blowdry (it takes more than an hour). I usually shower and wash my hair a few hours before I plan on sleeping, so by the time I go to bed it’s not soaking wet anymore, and I blowdry my side swept bangs straight.

    • Anonymous :

      I plait it while damp and undo it and brush out before I leave for work, it comes out nicely wavy for my business casual office. If it doesn’t come out nicely wavy I put it up again (bun/pony/gibson tuck). My hair is recovering from over-dyeing though and really dry so I never blowdry.

    • Not sure how straight your hair is, but mine is actually quite curly but easy to coax, and something I am able to do is:
      1. wash at night
      2. brush out completely and let air dry until I go to sleep
      3. sleep in low bun with it as smoothed out as possible
      4. it is just barely damp or totally dry in the morning, so I take giant velcro rollers and use them to “straighten” my hair. I will sometimes dampen it again with water to get it smoothed out, wrap it tightly around rollers. I do this first in my routine, so it has the rest of the morning to “set.” it is not perfectly straight but has a nice wave with curled ends and no frizz.

    • I just stick my head under the shower again in the morning — I have curly hair and must use product/air dry, so I wash at night, wake up looking like a scarecrow, and stick my head under/towel turban/product and out the door in the morning.

    • I towel dry my hair at night and then just go to bed. It’s dry in the morning. I have pretty straight hair so I just brush it and go (with a little gel to tame fly-aways). I wash my hair every other day and on days I don’t wash I brush it before bed.

  3. Permission? :

    I have spent the past 3 years in an emotionally draining, arguably psychologically abusive/narcissistic relationship which ended last month and my lease is up soon. I logically know I need to move far away to where my support system is (I moved to where I am now for the ex), but I find myself really struggling with the emotional side of this decision. I think I feel like I need permission from those stronger than I feel that this is the right thing to do because I feel so uncertain about what is up or down due to the dismantling of my internal voice and judgment by the ex. Is this nuts? Is this a thing? How do I ask people to give me permission to do something that probably seems obvious to them?

    The idea of starting over, of finding a place and buying furniture and and and and just feels overwhelming and the fear of the unknown and of not being –something—enough to make such a decision for myself is causing me to hesitate, especially because it would mean starting to build a home for myself from scratch (buying linens/dishes/etc.) and I’m on a budget, so I can find reasons to justify how this would be wrong or selfish or something and I can’t tell what is true and what is the ex’s voice inside my head.

    • If I would you I would use that support system and ask them if I could come live with them for a bit. If its family and you can stay for a month do it! If its a friend see if you can stay for a week or two and rotate between people. Give yourself a buffer and time to recover and heal before trying to do a full move and setting up house. I bet after taking some time and distance from this you will have a better focus on whats best for you.

      • A few have offered but I have 2 pets, which makes that super tricky both for the allergens of people’s homes and because many have kids and I don’t think I want to move in where there are babies and such. (Nothing against babies, just not a place that’s probably right to live in, though I love those who offered it.)

        • Could someone pet sit for you for a month while you figure stuff out?

          • It’d cost several hundred dollars, plus the vet said it’d be really detrimental to the pets to be in a random location without me for so long, so it’d be better for them and probably close in price for me to just move. I am just feeling so strange making decisions after being with someone for so long who made it clear to me that he made all the decisions and everything I would choose is wrong and dumb.

    • It sounds like you should call on your support system (no matter how far they are away) and tell them what you just told us. If my sister or best friend came to me like that, I’d be sitting down together with a pen and paper to start crafting a moving plan and budget before your tears dried on the tissue.

      • I agree. As for the OP, you should be happy to be able to break free from an abusive relationship with a narcissist. FOOEY on men like that. I did and have NOT looked back. I had my family to lean on, and they were very happy to support me in my decision. I am sure yours will be too. I also had second thoughts — i.e., the emotional side of me said “will I ever find another man to care for me like my ex?”, etc. etc., but when the rationale side of me kicked in, I realised that my ex was a drunken loser who cared primarily for his own needs, with little focus on my needs. That is where you probabley are now. But trust me, the rationale side is the one you want to focus on. If you open yourself up, you will find another man who will treat you right. It may take some time (it has for me), but perserverence will pay off for BOTH of us if we want mates. For the time being, tho, we must stand strong, as women from the HIVE support us,and we move forward with our lives. YAY!!!!

    • I think you need to take this a step at a time. You don’t need the linens and all the furniture and everything right away–you can accrue over time/borrow some stuff for now/rent a furnished place. What you really need to do is to move–whether that’s within the same city to keep your job, or to the city of your support system–because being in the same place is probably keeping the ex’s voice in your head. Even a small change such as a new (or even temp) living space will help with perspective and allow you to take your brain back. You are not dumb and you are capable of making decisions, but you need your voice/brain back. And obviously you also need to seek a therapist’s help, as you will have a harder time trying to do this on your own.

      Ask me how I know (I went through something similar).

      • perfect advice. I think OP just needed support and encouragement or maybe even our collective permission? It seemed like she knew she needed to handle the logistics but felt stuck in questioning herself.

        I agree with LAJen!

      • Wildkitten :

        I’m going to move into a new place soon after a breakup and this is how I am doing it. I need to find an apartment that will take my pet, but the only thing on my “to buy immediately” list is a bed (and honestly I could go without that.) Also when I need to buy stuff, sheets, towels, toaster, I’m just going to buy the cheapest item on the Sweethome. No research, just ordering.

        • Wildkitten :

          It sounds like your concern about starting over is more about your ex being unsupportive, and the emotional labor of having to buy new things, than it is about being unable to afford the new things you’ll need to survive. Feel free to email wildkitten r 3 tt 3 at google mail and I’m happy to put together some amazon or target lists of some basics for you and you can just click “order.” I keep internet window shopping for me – I might as well share my lists with you. 3’s are e’s.

        • Wildkitten :

          I’m also happy to search for pet friendly apartments in the place you want to move. It’d be good for me to do that for real instead of doing it imaginary for myself.

        • Big hugs to both the OP and Wildkitten.

    • Permission granted! The part of you that knows this is the right thing to do is the bit of real you that has been buried by the mistreatment/abuse. Unbury it! Let it out! Listen to it!

      You don’t have to do everything at once. You don’t need to find an apartment and buy an apartment’s worth of furniture and kitchen things and linens and appliances and so on and do it all right now. You just need to find an apartment. Then you need the basics – a mattress and some dishes. Maybe buy one of those inexpensive “just out of college” kitchen sets with a few pots and pans, a few utensils, and dishes/flatware/glasses for two. Everything else can come later, really (and I am sure that your support system can help – ask if anyone has a a spare set of sheets, or old towels, or a dresser). Use the Craigslist (or whatever your local equivalent is) free section to supplement. Visit Goodwill.

      OR start with a sublet – it will be furnished and give you some breathing room while you figure things out. Then move on to the plan above.

      You can do this! You are still you inside; trust yourself, trust your instincts, and go for it!

    • Hmmm. I may be misunderstanding, but you don’t have to move unless you want to move. That’s the thing about break-ups – he doesn’t matter anymore. So the fact he is there can be irrelevant as can be the fact he is not in the other place. And what I found after a big break-up is that lots of people have suffered one and will come out to support you through it even if they were not your rock before if you just say something. They won’t think you are weak for feeling weak under the circumstances.

    • I just did this. The only way to do it is DO IT. (alcoholic ex, with whom I moved out of state, to a place I liked, but never developed any friendships). DO IT.

  4. Whats one thing about your personality that people think is true about you but is not?

    For example I think most people think I am an extrovert when in reality I am an introvert who is really good about being out going when I need to be. But I would much prefer to be a hermit. haha

    • Anonymous :

      I am probably a 49% introvert, but people think I’m like 99% extrovert b/c I did a lot of theather / improv as a kid and just sort of think of extroverting as a thing that one needs to do (like going to the gym). It’s a skill and I think you can learn to be better at it.

      • +1. I’m in Sales and it shocks people to hear that I’m an introvert. I’ve learned to be outgoing and personable to connect with others, both personally and professionally, but I would happily spend all Sunday curled up with a book, a cup of coffee, and no human contact, if I could.

      • Agree. Plus I genuinely love people! I love talking to them, I love hearing their stories, I love making connections. I just need quiet time to recharge. Sometimes it gets tough because my job is very people-centric and that leaves me with less energy for social stuff outside of work.

        I don’t think anyone really knows how hard I had to work on my social skills, and how nervous I still get sometimes in social situations. I think I had social anxiety in middle and early high school. Fortunately I learned how to talk to people eventually, and always had a few close friends–but people always seem to think I’m some kind of social butterfly. it blows my mind. If only they could have seen me in eighth grade.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m the exact same way. I’m REALLY good at being extroverted. It’s not like I’m socially awkward or shy – quite the opposite – but I NEED serious me time to feel happy and destress.

    • Midwest Mama :

      That I’m confident in myself. In reality (thanks to my narcissistic mother) I’m constantly doubting and second guessing myself and feel like I’m not good enough.

    • I fake body confidence. I am a larger woman and I am constantly told I’m s3xy and/or comfortable in my skin, but inwardly I feel horribly unattractive.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m very body confident around guys (like they should be so lucky to have me — lol).

        But I’d never wear a bikini around women — too lumpy/squishy, too many deferred gym visits, etc. And I know how we judge . . .

    • Marshmallow :

      That I’m thick-skinned. I’m very good at visibly letting things roll off, but I actually tend toward overthinking and take mistakes or hurtful comments very much to heart.

    • Anonymous :

      That I am neat, organized, and have everything handled. When in reality, I am a giant mess and always feel one step away from everything coming apart.

      • Marshmallow :

        LOL. I struggle with this, too: “No, you don’t understand, I only seem organized because all these organizational systems are the only thing standing between me and CHAOS.”

        • 100%. If I didn’t have my systems nothing would be remembered or completed. And with them…its just barely happening!

      • Yes, this is me! I am pretty organized at work, and then the first time people hang out with me outside work, they’re like “Wow, you are a MESS.”

        I also do things like cooking big batches of food on the weekend and laying out outfits for the week, which people think is “organized” and “type A” but is actually the only thing that ensures I will not show up to work in jeans and a stained hoodie, eating buttered noodles for every meal.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Same. A mentor at work told me that part of the reason I wasn’t getting as much support at work is because everyone thought I just had my s*it totally together and didn’t need it. I just looked at her for about thirty seconds and then said “….Um. What?” It was a good lesson, though, as now I know to ask for help when I need it because it isn’t obvious I need it.

    • I’m opposite. People think I’m an introvert and shy at work because I listen and don’t talk all the time. Really if I’m not participating in the conversation, it’s because I’m bored, especially where people are rehashing the same thing over and over, and I shut down while I wait for the conversation to shift. Also the people who like to exclaim about how quiet I am are usually the same people who ramble on and on about very mundane things (I had to sit through a description of a minute by minute plan for the weekend–including traffic plans and outfit changes–and have still not recovered) and don’t say anything to them because (a) I’m not really paying attention, and (b) I don’t want to give them any ammunition to continue talking. I have a wide variety of interests and am outgoing and outspoken most of the time.

    • givemyregards :

      +1 on extroversion. I’m outgoing and get called “brave” a lot (in the context that I will, for example, travel out of country alone – I’m not actually going to war or anything), but I’m actually very introverted and need a lot of what I call “quiet introvert alone time.” I always joke that I can go to parties and be very social but then when I get home I’m like Will Farrell in Old School at the debate going “I think I blacked out. What happened?” It’s like a whole separate alter ego for me.

    • I don’t know what to say. People at work(in my current team) think I am very silent and nice person. In reality, I have chosen to be silent and play nice with every one (though I am angry, frustrated or roll my eyes inside) because being this way gets me what I want. I am in no way silent, nice or non-confrontational.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      That I’m “positive” and “optimistic” about my chronic illness.

      They don’t know how much time I spent in the last year sobbing over the idea of dying, and that I’ve pretty much accepted I’ll die young and the part that bothers me most is not the dying part, but the leaving my family alone part and how much that will kill them (….also, people don’t know how morbid my sense of humor is, except my mother, who hates it).

      I’m not entirely sure what gives people the idea I’m optimistic/positive, since 60% of the posts I make about it (I am very, very open about it) are something like “Infection is back, I am so done with all of this, can I please just catch a break” and “F this stupid disease” and “I NEVER WANT TO PUKE AGAIN I HATE EVERYTHING.” But whatever.

      • Anonymous :

        So sorry, Sloan. That is all so tough.

      • Not sure if you feel ok with it but if you wanted to post a method of contacting you, I would love to be your dark humor buddy. I can’t fix the medical stuff or the reality stuff but I can totally make and appreciate really morbid humor! <3

        • Sweetknee :

          +1 … know that you are loved…. just post a way to contact if you ever need to unload….

      • Optimistic Cancer Girl :

        Sloan – I had to laugh at your post because this is so me. I have just finished treatment for my second cancer (the two were unrelated – so lightening definitely struck twice) and am constantly being told how “brave” and “optimistic” I am – which is so completely contrary to most of what I ever post about this whole thing. But I don’t really think I can correct people by telling them I cry almost daily and might actually punch the next person who tries to come at me with a needle.

        Sending you so much love xoxo

    • JuniorMinion :

      I dislike what I see when I look in the mirror and constantly believe the worst about myself (Thanks, narcissistic mom). Sometimes my appearance makes me cry. I don’t understand why I can’t believe all the good things I believe about my friends about myself – I would never look at them and say the types of things I say about myself. Additionally I don’t want to become that trope of the size small woman complaining she looks huge.

      • Another one with a narcissistic mother… and another one who thinks and feels these very things. I just try to tell myself that if someone else (in this case, you for me and hopefully me for you) can have these feelings and fears, they must not be true, they must be conditioning. <3

        • JuniorMinion :

          Thank you! I know this intellectually and I repeat positivity to myself everyday. Its just harder to change my self perception and feelings.

    • S in Chicago :

      People think I love public speaking. Truth is I force myself to do it because it seems like what you’re supposed to do and I know it sounds impressive at work to say “I’ve been asked to speak at X….” Truth is, every RFP I do I say a little prayer that I won’t make the cut. One time I had a major medical emergency and couldn’t make a presentation since I was being transported to the ICU. I called to let them know even before I told my parents about my health–and it was the biggest feeling of relief ever. I know it’s supposed to get easier over time. It hasn’t for me. But I just fake, fake, fake away!

    • People think I’m so together and confident, but lately, I mostly feel old, fat, and tired.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      That I am career-focused. I really not. I would leave in a second if money wasn’t an issue.

    • I think people perceive me as very pragmatic and not sentimental at all, but deep down, I’m a softy on the inside :)

  5. Ikea quality :

    Moved into a new place and need some furniture i.e. dresser, nightstand,couch etc. I’m in a small town where options are limited and don’t currently have a car. I’m considering ordering something from Ikea but unsure about the quality e.g. what to avoid especially for dressers. For those who have purchased items from them, what is the quality like? Hoping to get something that would last at least 2 years.

    • Ikea will last you for 2 years if you don’t plan on needing to take apart the things and re putting them together.

      Ikea has been known to not ship all the parts, so be prepared to have to call them and wait for a part to show up if you can’t drive to the store.

      Real wood options from Craigslist will be sturdier, cheaper, and last longer.

      • +1 for Craigslist and secondhand/consignment/antique stores. You can get some nice wood pieces for cheaper than you think.

    • In my experience, the more “high-end” pieces from IKEA tend to be pretty decent. These are the pieces that are obviously a different price point than the rest of the range – like a $500 dresser when every other dresser is under 200. I’ve had ones that held up pretty well through multiple moves, but they weren’t taken apart.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. Look for the pieces that are solid wood vs. particle board. Some of them are even unfinished and you could finish them yourself for a more high-end look.

    • Anonymous :

      The Hemnes line is nicer and actual wood.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      The Ikea Hemnes line is solid wood and noticeably heavier and sturdier than some of the other lines. We own multiple bookshelves/shelving units as well as a table and they are all in great shape (have had some longer than 2 years but would never take them apart for moving).

    • Rainbow Hair :

      A rule that has worked for me with IKEA is that it’s OK to go cheap on things that won’t get a lot of impact/movement. A dresser with drawers that get opened and closed every day? Not the place to go cheap. But an entry-hall bench that shoes get tossed under? Fine.

    • I have a cheap Ikea dresser and it has lasted 5 years and still looks fine — the glass top helps a lot! also, on craigslist, people always list beautiful solid wood dressers THAT WEIGH ONE MILLION POUNDS and are impossible to move. not worth it to me to find not just a dresser but some WWE dudes to help me move it, plus probably a truck as well…

    • IKEA will definitely last you 2 years, and if you’re unlucky it’ll still be going strong after 10 years even though you’re desperate to replace it with gorgeous grown-up furniture that your husband doesn’t think you can justify buying when the IKEA furniture is perfectly serviceable. Sigh.

    • Wildkitten :

      IKEA will last 5+ years in one place, or will start to fall apart after one move. I am about to be furnishing an apartment and the other places I am looking are Wayfarer, Amazon, and Overstock. Those aren’t great quality, but are made for shipping (not pick up). If you want things to last, of course go to thrift stores, but if you want things sooner, try the other places. Also do you have zipcar in your town, or a friend with a truck? I don’t have a car either, but where I am a ziptruck trip to IKEA is cheaper than shipping, by far.

    • I don’t know how small your town is or what style furniture you like. I like vintage and antique so we went to antique autions and bought furniture that turned out to be about 20% more costly than something at ikea. And these things are 50-100+ years old, have held up all that time so they will probably last some more. They were cheaper because they had scratches but I think that looks great on old stuff. The downside is they are HEAVY and it took me about 6 months of scouting auctions to find things I wanted (curved legs and curvy silhouttes). I wouldn’t buy sofas, beds or anything upholstered though.

      That said, our kitchen table is ikea that we laquered ourselves. That was a huge job and I wish I had bought an auction one instead.

      • Second this. Antique and household auctions are a great place to pick up furniture for a reasonable price. There are usually auction houses around, you might have to look a bit for them. They’ll frequently have open houses prior to auctions where you can scope things out to see if they have what you like and if it’s worth spending the time at the auction.

  6. Furniture packages :

    Has anyone had any experience with companies that are furniture freight type places, where things are heavily discounted and there are entire apartment furniture packages for under 1k? Wondering about the experience and the quality or if I should just go to ikea and try to find a college student to pay to put it all together for me.

    • Anonymous :

      I guess it depends what you are looking for — the quality will be low and they are not necessarily stylish, but different people like different things. If you’re planning to have it long term, I wouldn’t go that route.

    • Wildkitten :

      One of my friends did this and her apartment looked AMAZING and didn’t look like it was from Ikea. And I slept on the pull out couch, happily. She ordered from Nebraska Furniture Mart. You can get a task-rabbit to put together ikea furniture, but I think it can be fun to do yourself, especially with the help of a friend and champagne.

  7. cat allergy proofing a home :

    If a person has a cat that lives just in their master bedroom area, is it possible for someone with a cat allergy to visit and stay in the guest room and be in the common spaces without the allergy making them miserable? Does anyone have experience with this? Just rescued my first cat and am beginning to wonder if I’ve made my home unvisit’able to many friends/relatives!

    • Depends on how severe the allergy is. I can usually tell within 30 seconds of being in a house whether they have a cat or not, even if they “just vacuumed” and have the cat put away. My guess is that the dander is circulating through they air ducts and getting all through the house (as is the cat hair on your socks/clothes) even if the cat is excluded from certain areas.

    • Anonymous :

      It’s not really possible to have a cat just live in your bedroom. That’s a miserable kitty. And no, you can’t allergy proof your home.

    • (former) 3L mama :

      the previous tenants in our apartment had a cat, and by all accounts kept things very clean. We had the apartment deep-cleaned and changed all the HVAC filters etc. before we moved in. It took six months and two more filter changes + really scouring the entire apartment, including ceilings, baseboards, etc. before I didn’t need to take my allergy medication every day to avoid having an allergic reaction every time I walked in the door.

      I love cats (in theory) but man, their allergens get everywhere.

  8. Let's Play a Game! :

    What is your favorite thing about your body and why?

    (no adding any negativity in this game, no “I love ________ but _____” or any of that, this is a positivity only game!)

    • I love my hair. I really lucked out in the color department. New stylists are always amazed that my color is natural and say “people spend so much to try to achieve this!”.

      • Meg March :

        I love my hair too. It’s thick, it’s stick straight naturally but holds a curl if I do it, it grows fast (about an inch per month).

      • Anonymous :

        +1 I love my hair. Good color (dark, no grays at all in my mid30s), really thick, grows quickly. Now that I’ve finally figured out how to work with in, I get compliments all the time.

      • Oh me too! I love my hair. Stylists say the same thing – it’s hard to achieve my color and it’s thick and naturally wavy but not frizzy so straightens or curls easily.

      • Hair color for sure! It also dries into natural loose waves that look beachy enough that I don’t have to bother blowdrying it except for special occasions.

        Other than that, this sounds random but I have very nice collarbones and shoulders.

    • Anonymous :

      I have tiny ankles. It’s genetic, so it’s not like an accomplishment. But I feel like plastic surgery doesn’t manipulate ankle size, so, yeah, THEY’RE REAL.

      And they remind me of my grandmother, who had tiny ankles also.

    • I have great legs. I’m 46 years old and I have great legs. I hit my height (5’8″) when I was 11 so I’ve had them a long time. I now wear knee-length skirts mostly, but I rock mini skirts over my bikinis at the beach. And my mom and sister don’t have them…

    • I have a great a**

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Aesthetically? I have excellent hair, thick and curly but soft and straightens well. As a physical attribute, I LOVE that I am left-handed. For whatever reason, I think it is the coolest thing ever (and I was so disappointed that my son did not inherit it from me).

    • Anonymous :

      Honestly, my b00bs. I have naturally round and perky C cups that look perfect (imo) on my relatively narrow frame. With the right bra and a low-cut top, I can look really busty but they’re not so large they interfere with working out or attract unwanted attention when they’re covered up, and I can still get away with a lot of the fashions intended for smaller chested ladies.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I love my legs. I’m only 5’3″, but they’re muscular, and long, and look great in everything. And this is with zero exercise. It’s always been that way.

    • Anonymous :

      My legs. I have very minimal/no cellulite and I do crossfit and squat a lot, so where my legs were just always smooth in college they’re now muscular. Calves all the way up to my upper thighs/glute-hamstring tie in. I wear shorts when I coach because they’re the thing I feel like people will look at me and think, “oh she’s athletic”

      They also do cool things like carry me around the world and in the past have squatted almost 300 pounds and let me go rep-for-rep with my guy friends on 10RM back squat days.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I love my hair (duh) but also I love my eyes. They’re big and dark green and pretty and I’m a little bit vain about them.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I love my hair too. It is fairly frequently complimented. Lots of it, smooths nicely, holds a curl if I want, and my skin coloring means that any hair color I’ve tried (blonde, various browns, red, and even a black wig once) somehow looks good.

      I also love my blue eyes.

    • I’m tall. I love it because it’s one of the few things I couldn’t change even if I wanted to ;).

    • Shenandoah :

      Weirdly, my back. I lift weights and do Crossfit, but I don’t have chiseled abs or really defined legs. But my back looks and feels strong and makes me feel like a confident, empowered woman.

  9. Trusting yourself :

    Another gal coming out of a bad relationship here. In hindsight, so much of this person wasn’t a right fit for me, but it took several years and him leaving me for me to realize it. Now I’m afraid of the future. If I didn’t see this with that guy, what prevents me from going into other bad relationships? (I’m not talking the obvious ones, I’m talking about the emotional abusers or the has a secret life kinds who even friends think are nice guys.) How do you learn to trust yourself?

    • Senior Attorney :

      For me, it was tons of therapy. Finding out the relationship patterns I learned as a child and how they were coloring my adult relationships. (Like, “people who love you are supposed to say mean things to you.”)

    • Wildkitten :

      I love the book “Coming Apart” but I also think SA is right. Therapy.

      • Wildkitten :

        • Wildkitten :

          I can lend that one to you on kindle when the person I currently lent it to gives it back (in two weeks).

    • Wildkitten :

      I haven’t read this one, but people recommend it:

      • Wildkitten :

    • For me, it was: 1. my supervising attorney taking me to lunch and then basically acting out the “It’s not your fault” scene from Goodwill Hunting and 2. journaling, constantly. I would scream, cry, whatever, in writing. Different colors, slashes, nearly ripping the paper from writing so hard at times.

  10. What do you notice? :

    For as much as we talk clothing and shoes and work-appropriate water bottles, how much of these details do you notice about your colleagues? Are there specific things that catch your eye?

    For example, I notice someone who fusses with their clothing or whose shoes are super loud when walking or I notice if someone has a bright or whimsical patterned item, but even those, I don’t tend to recall about them the next day. I guess I’m wondering if we’re more worried about others noticing details that no one does or that aren’t remembered or if we’re right to be so aware of everything.

    • I notice everything. But I realize thats weird and most people don’t. I once wore a different ugly sweater every day of highschool from Halloween to Valentine’s day. My great grandmother was addicted to knitting really bright neon horrible things and my mom wouldn’t give them away because ‘they are hand knit and an heirloom” but it drove me crazy that they were just taking up space so I decided to wear everyone because I was a weird highschooler. When it was over, and I brought it up with people that I did this thing, it turns out VERY few had noticed what I was doing. The only person who asked me about my sweaters during the whole thing – assumed I had bought them at Anthropologie and was giving me a compliment. This was a great lesson that most people are really just stuck in their own worlds and barely notice things.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I always notice chipped nail polish, stains on clothing and the few young associates that tend towards very short skirts (like upper mid thigh short).

    • Marshmallow :

      This is not going to be what you want to hear, but I notice a lot. I enjoy clothes/makeup so it’s natural that I pay attention to those things on others as well as myself. I see a lot of attorneys in and out of court all day, so I’m interested in what types of suits people are wearing, if a female attorney is wearing a dress and blazer combo instead of a suit, what kind of shoes, etc. And yeah, I will form an opinion based on someone’s overall appearance. It doesn’t mean I nitpick every little thing, but I think a lot about style and I enjoy seeing others’ style, too. I get a lot of ideas for things I want to wear from women on the street or at work.

      I get the sense that your question is targeted more at what NEGATIVE things we notice. The worst offenders are stuff that doesn’t fit, pulling and tugging, and overly worn items (like holes in the bottoms of your shoes– I’m looking at you, men who cross your legs at work! How are your socks not wet?).

    • givemyregards :

      I’ll noticed if someone consistently wears clothing much more casual or revealing than the office norm – jeans, clingy knit dresses (particularly cheap looking maxi dresses), loud jewelry (as in, bracelets that make a lot of noise, not bold pieces), and really casual sandals tend to stick out the most – but if it’s only every once in a while I probably won’t remember. I also tend to notice/be more judgmental about it if the person has other habits I consider to be unprofessional, i.e. flowery quotes in their e-mail signature in purple, consistently missing deadlines, bad grammar in work products, etc.

    • Anonymous :

      I notice when men wear too tight pants under their beer gut (why do people do this? it looks so uncomfortable), when people can’t walk in their shoes, or if they have very shiny polyester clothing on. That is probably it.

    • Typically I don’t notice clothes at all unless they are inappropriate – like my old boss who always used to wear sheer blouses with lacy bras, such that her bra was obvious.

      I notice eye makeup/eyeliner when I’m making eye contact with someone, as well as eyebrows. It’s not in a judgemental way, but more like mentally filing away, “hmm, she wears heavy eyeliner, her brows are natural though” for no specific purpose.

      I notice shoes I like, and pay no notice to any other shoes. That’s pretty true of everything, really – I often find myself thinking “ooh I like that” but rarely think “ugh, that doesn’t look good.”

      • Wildkitten :

        THIS! like my old boss who always used to wear sheer blouses with lacy bras, such that her bra was obvious.

        That was exactly the situation I was going to comment on.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I notice it all. Like Marshmallow, I’m interested in clothes and fashion so I notice.

      But I care about almost none of it, at least in the sense of “Oh, now I think less of this person because of what he or she is wearing.” Give or take flip flops in court…

    • I notice everyone’s jewelry and shoes. I am into these things so I look at everyone else’s.

      I also notice everyone’s bad breath and BO. I’m a super smeller. It’s a curse.

    • I notice things but don’t remember them. In the moment, I’ll think “nice blouse” or “his pants are too tight and too short” or “those are really high heels” but I’ll never be able to recall what someone wore later on unless it’s something particularly memorable and/or consistent.

      • Sydney Bristow :

        I’m the same. Sometimes its a bit awkward because I tend to compliment items that I like if I know the person, so I’m sure I’ve complimented a coworker’s particular skirt more than once.

    • I work in tech as an engineer in California. I observe two kinds of people. First kind is higher ups to see what they are wearing so that I can skew my dressing towards that. I just met a senior lady who will be in C-suite shortly who is mentoring me. I observed her and her clothes were nothing remarkable like straight jeans, t-shirt and a fleece jacket. I observe my manager. She has definitely changed in the last two years. She has become more refined in her clothing, makeup and hair choices as she has moved up the ladder and grown her influence. She still dresses casually and has a small wardrobe, but I can tell the quality is high and fit is perfect. She used to wear much casual clothing when I joined the team.

      Other time I notice when men wear gym shorts and pants to work. I notice women when whatever they are wearing is making them uncomfortable (high healed shoes and they are struggling to walk, very short shorts/skirts where they have difficulty sitting properly without revealing too much etc).

    • The stuff I notice in a bad way tends to be:

      (i) anything that is too short for officewear, although I’ll probably only notice if the individual is bare-legged. I don’t tend to notice/remember stuff that is tight or otherwise revealing.

      (ii) anything that is overly casual. The worst instance of this tends to be men in my office who wear golf shirts on days other than Friday. Dude, that is not business casual* and just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you can show up in a lavender and yellow striped shirt with the logo of a country club.

      (iii) shiny shirts. This is less of a problem now, but right when I graduated law school many dudes were wearing shirts that were sort of iridescent and kind of looked like button-down clubwear.

      *I guess maybe a polo and khakis is business casual in some offices…men in our offices wear jackets or blazers every day except Friday.

    • Our office is business casual and I notice people in very casual clothing (shoes in particular), and people who suddenly are dressing very formally such as turning up one random week in suit.

    • Chipped nail polish!!!

  11. Control vs. Better for Everyone :

    Where’s the line for you between what office policies feel controlling vs. which seem like a wise thing?

    I feel like it’s controlling to require adults in career jobs to punch a time card or otherwise have a computer noting the exact minute they arrive, but I think it is wise that offices establish a scent-free rule for the office since I know it helps with overall allergies and migraines. I hate the idea of anyone noticing if I am in at 7 or at 7:03, yet I am fine with being told I cannot wear perfume or scented lotions to work.

  12. paging senior attorney :

    Sorry to bring it over to this thread but I had to push back about your comments in todays post. the 6% number you cited is the total number of accusations (not false accusations). the majority of those allegations are substantiated. I really can’t let the statement that women make up false DV accusations to win custody stand. You say you see it all the time which to me just means you don’t believe women often- studies have shown time and time again that women back down on pursuing dv cases out of fear. As to the presumption of innocence, of course he is presumed innocent until a trial, but he is actively evading the police (I am assuming evading a warrant) which is its own set of issues on why OP shouldn’t contact him

    • Senior Attorney :

      You’re right in that the 6% really doesn’t have anything to do with DV claims in general and I shouldn’t have used that figure. (I miss the edit function.) Based on what the person who brought up the ABA statistics cited (here:, it’s the proportion of custody cases in which child sexual abuse is alleged, which is not in any way what we are talking about. But again, I feel like a 1/3 false accusation rate for anything (from the same source), let alone something as serious as child sexual abuse, is beyond troubling.

      I didn’t mean to say or imply that women in particular make false DV claims more than men do. To the contrary, I would definitely believe that men make false claims more often than women. But in my experience both men and women make false or exaggerated DV claims to gain an advantage in divorce proceedings with some regularity. I’m not going to give you chapter and verse of my experience in that area but I have seen a lot of cases up close. These things are complicated and one of the things that enrages me about false claims is that they make it that much harder for the real victims.

      Basically I meant to take exception with the statement that the person in question is “a criminal on the run” in the absence of a conviction or, for all we know, any charges. All the OP said is he was “being sought by the police in connection with a DV charge” and I have seen enough to know that could mean a million things. I don’t assume “actively evading the police” and I don’t assume a warrant. If those things exist then certainly it makes him seem less innocent.

      Anyway, it’s a fascinating and troublesome topic and I wish we could discuss it in person.

      • Just need to point out you are still mis stating the numbers- it is not 1/3 (of that 6 percent ) that is a false accusation. It’s 1/3 unable to be substantiated – you should know that these things can be very hard to substantiate. I was also very surprised to see you implying that the sil made it up and to see that implication carry over to women in general. I’m glad to read that wasn’t your intent. I also read the op as actively running from the police but agree that on second read it could mean many things.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Not at all my intent. Just taking issue with jumping too fast to the opposite conclusion!

          And point taken re: “unsubstantiated,” although 1/3 is still a pretty big number.

  13. recruiter rant :

    Rant/negotiating tips: I’m actively interviewing, and recruiters keep asking about my current salary. I respond with the range I’m looking to make, explain that I’m open to a mix of base salary, bonus, and equity, etc. They keep pushing and pushing to know EXACTLY what I’m making right now. I’m sorry, but no, you don’t need to know what I’m making right now. I just told you the range that I’m looking to make. Either that range is within your budget, or it’s not. You shouldn’t be basing your offer on what I currently make, you should be basing it on what you think the skills are worth and how much you want to pay for those skills. My stated range is correct for this market and my skillset… QUIT FREAKING ASKING ME ABOUT MY EXACT CURRENT SALARY. Any tips for getting them to move on from that line of questioning without seeming stand-offish?

    • SameDifference :

      Nope. I’ve had the same experience and no luck pushing back. When I hired, the recruiter I was working with thought it was suspicious when a candidate was cagey about their salary, and actually wanted to nix that candidate on that basis! I said I sympathize with the candidate and kept them in the running.

    • i don’t know how to do it subtly, but Massachusetts has actually outlawed asking for the salary so at least some states are recognizing it’s an issue

    • recruiter rant :

      Sigh, thanks for the commiseration. I’m glad some states are figuring it out!

    • What enrages me (even though I live in MA where it’s now illegal) is that my current salary is really high. It gets to be a weird convo when it comes up, as I’m specifically looking to downshift.

    • Wildkitten :

      “My market rate is X.”

      I am moving from a low paying high prestige job to a higher paying job and the fact that I chose prestige over salary doesn’t give the less-prestigious job an out to pay me less than I am worth.

    • Wildkitten :

      Also, it is widely known that this is a question that holds women down. If you start out making less, and continue to make less, they’ll continue to pay you less.

      I interviewed for a job at Girl Scouts and they asked me this, and after I didn’t get the job I let them know how un-helpful that question is.

      • recruiter rant :

        Yep, this! It’s really frustrating when I tell them my range is $x – $y, and then they say, “But what are you making right now? $x – $10k/$20k?” Um, no, I’m not currently underpaid by $20,000, but I am looking to increase my salary in my next role thankyouverymuch. I think throwing out a very low salary is the next tactic to force me into saying my current salary, since I definitely don’t want them to perceive me at lowest number they’ve mentioned. Ask a Manager has several posts about this, and it’s just annoying that there’s no way to wiggle out of it if someone is insistent that they must know. One recruiter (3rd-party headhunter, not internal) literally said that it didn’t matter what I wanted to be making, his job was to find out exactly what I was currently making so that the company could come up with a fair offer based on my current salary. I passed on that one completely… if the company can’t do the same market research that I’m doing and come up with the correct range for the position and my skills, I don’t want to work for them. FWIW, the range I’m naming is 8%-15% higher than my current base salary, and most recruiters I’ve talked to say that it’s reasonable for the positions I’m seeking. All manner of internet pay calculators put me squarely in the middle of the range I’m naming. Conversations with friends and former colleagues show that the market rate for my skills is toward the top of the range I’ve named. All indicators point to my range being reasonable, so pushing back for my exact current salary is even more unnecessary.

        • Wildkitten :

          Is there a particular reason you want this new job? If they want to underpay you, you can always go elsewhere. I think being underpaid is a red flag that you will be undervalued when you work there.

          • recruiter rant :

            I bowed out of the interview process on the most pushy recruiter mentioned above. I’m in first or second rounds at this point with a couple of places that haven’t hounded me for my current salary, so I don’t think I’ll end up with a low offer. It’s just that when you started actively looking and taking calls, there’s a lot of pushy recruiters and it really leaves a bad impression of the company when they come out of the gates with pushy salary questions. I definitely plan to go where I’m valued!

  14. The necklace pictured is ok. I just feel generic non-precious metals aren’t worth even 38$ – just take a look at ebay – that necklace is allover for next to nothing. If you have 40$ to spend you can find genuine jewelry. Sorry I’m grumpy, I’ll go have coffee and then I’ll be a nicer

    • I was thinking the same thing! I bet I can find this exact necklace on Etsy for $15-20 (including shipping) and either way it’ll be cheap metal that doesn’t look good in a few months.

  15. I just loved that pyramid-shaped smooth and contemporary design! Great opus stirs me a lot and this piece of art is no exception. Thanks a lot for sharing this, Kat. Totally adored it.
    Kate | Monica Vinader Discount Code

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