This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Amour Vert gets a lot of hype for its sustainable practices, but just as importantly, it makes absolutely gorgeous clothes. This washable silk blouse comes in 15 (!) different solids and prints, but I’m particularly drawn to this moody floral.
With a slight V-neck and short sleeves, it would go perfectly with a skirt suit or just left untucked with a pair of skinny pants.
The top is $148 at Amour Vert and comes in sizes XXS–XL.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Workwear sales of note for 12.1.23
Our favorites are in bold!
- Nordstrom – Limited-Time Sale of 11,000+ items; up to 25% off select women’s coats & jackets (ends 12/6); Nike up to 25% off (ends 12/2); markdowns include big deals on UGG, Natori, Marc Fisher LTD, Vionic and more!
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off full-price styles; extra 40% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic – Up to 40% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 25% off $125+
- ba&sh – Up to 50% off fall/winter styles
- Bergdorf Goodman – Designer Sale: Up to 40% off; free same-day delivery for a limited time
- Club Monaco – 25% off almost everything
- Express – 40% off everything
- J.Crew – 50% off women’s styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles; 60% off 2+ sale styles or 50% off 1
- Lo & Sons – Up to 70% off; spend $100, get an extra 10% off wallets — reader favorites include this laptop tote, this backpack, and this crossbody
- Summersalt – 30% off everything; up to 60% off select styles (this reader-favorite sweater blazer is down to $75)
- Talbots – 30% off entire purchase, including all markdowns — readers love this cashmere boatneck and this cashmere cardigan, as well as their sweater blazers in general
- Theory – Cold weather essentials up to 40% off
- Theory Outlet – Last-chance styles 70-80% off; up to 70% off coats; up to 60% off cashmere; extra 20% off 2 items and extra 25% off 3+ items; readers love this T-shirt
- Universal Standard – Up to 81% off; jeans start at $35
Kid- and Family-Related Sales
- BabyJogger – 25% off 3 items with code
- Crate & Kids – Toy & gift event: up to 50% off everything; save 10% off full price items
- J.Crew Crewcuts – 50% off everything; extra 30% off sale styles
- Ergobaby – 40% off Omni Breeze Carrier, 25% off Evolve 3-in-1 bouncer, $100 off Metro+ Strollers
- Graco – Up to 30% off car seats
- Strolleria – 25% off Wonderfold wagons, and additional deals on dadada, Cybex, and Peg Perego
- Walmart – Savings on Maxi-Cosi car seats, adventure wagons, rocker recliners, security cameras and more!
Therapy
I’m on a waitlist to start counseling soon, but it will probably be a month or two before I come off the waitlist. Any suggestions about what to do now while I’m waiting for a spot to open up – sort of some pre-therapy homework? Therapy is a frustrating thing to be on a waitlist for – I’m ready to start doing the work now!
pugsnbourbon
What kinds of things are you working through? Might help us narrow our suggestions.
OP
Sort of the stereotypical mid 30’s problems – figuring out how to turn around the total burnout of the last couple years that has been getting worse instead of better in the last few months; a little depression and a lot of anxiety; trying to come up with a better way of handling perfectionism than holding it together tighter and tighter until I explode; communicating better with my husband; so much career related stress!
Coach Laura
As an adjunct to (delayed) therapy, try the workbook “Retrain your brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks” by Seth Gillihan. (Availble as book from libraries or bookstore or free kindle unlimited from amazon) plus the Amazon unlimited free Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple: 10 Strategies for Managing Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Panic, and Worry by the same author. I found it very helpful.
Anon
I’d work on the non-therapy things you might be able to control that also impacts your mental and overall health. Work at getting enough sleep, exercise, drinking water, that sort of thing, if you’re not already doing so.
Doodles
Does your employer have an EAP? That’s often faster for a few sessions while you wait for a long-term person.
Anon
I don’t know if this is right for you but I just signed up for Betterhelp. I had had on my list to look for a therapist for like 6 months and I realized that even if it wasn’t THE BEST THERAPIST IN THE WORLD, the barrier of looking for one, reaching out, etc. was too high and I could sign up for Betterhelp in 10 minutes and see if it was good for me. They offered me a video appointment within two days and I got some pre-meet worksheets. I’ll report back if it’s helpful to anyone, but it might be a stop-gap until you get in with the person you really want.
Anon
This is good advice. Also, just start working on your ish. A lot of therapy is geared toward recognizing what your problems are. Yes, it’s helpful and you can have breakthroughs and all that, but a lot of the success of it comes from wanting to change things. Therapists aren’t magically going to give you answers you don’t already have.
Anonymous
I had a great experience with Betterhelp. First therapist was ok, the second one was exactly what I needed. I’m so glad I did it. The key is switching if you feel like you don’t click with the person you were assigned.
Anon
I don’t know what you’re in therapy for, but while I was waiting for my anxiety appt, I bought the “Anxiety and Phobia Workbook” to do on my own. I will fully admit I only worked on it two or three times, and skipped all the phobia sections, but it did help give me some language to be able to articulate what I wanted from therapy, and helped focus our sessions to be more productive once they started.
Anon
A big part of therapy is recognizing your reactions and patterns and trying to understand them. Journaling can be helpful with that – noticing when anxiety or whatever shows up and writing about how it felt, how you reacted, and what might be going on that is behind it.
Anonymous
Those are just life problems everyone has. Do you really need therapy?
Anon
Strange response. Why wouldn’t OP seek therapy to work on things like managing “a lot of anxiety”, and improving communication with her spouse? Therapy can very helpful with these things, and the fact that many people have these concerns is true, but beside the point.
OP
I got pulled away this morning, but a belated thank you for all the replies! Personally, working through some books is more my speed than doing something online, so I’m ordering the options suggested above. Much appreciated!
Anon
If you don’t already, maybe try journaling. It can be really helpful to have those thoughts written down to refer to once you actually start therapy. I always make notes before my sessions and a journal is helpful for that.
Speaking Help
I have no issues with written communication or speaking when I’m prepared to present. However, anything extemporaneous and I turn into a babbling idiot, especially high stakes situations like important meetings and interviews. All logic disappears and I completely lose my train of thought. It is embarrassing, and I want to fix it. Are there books or classes geared toward this problem? What will help?
Ellen
You need to just wait, and think out what you are going to say before you raise your hand to say it.
I was like this in college, and I always was not shy, so I was always blurted things out w/o thinkeing first.
My teachers liked that I always spoke up, but others were jelous b/c I was talking all the time, but not thinking fast enough.
So Dad told me to sit on my hand so I wouldn’t raise it until AFTER I fully thought out what I wanted to say. That worked b/c others were not that quick to answer before me. By waiting and thinking before speaking, you too will be a success, either in school or in busness.
Even now, in court I do NOT speak immediately. When there are objections, I handle this by simply stating “OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR”. I THEN, before articulating the bases for the objection, THINK. I then stand up slowly, and THEN voice what the objection is. Yes, it takes about 4 seconds more, but the judge loves it when I stand up and articulate my objection so that he does not have to do anything else before ruling on it. Trust me, it works, b/c I rarley lose on my objections.
Anon
Following because I’m the same!
Anonymous
Hi. I’m you, and I argue cases before federal courts. The only thing that helps is preparation geared toward each specific meeting or interview. It’s also key to have someone quiz you or “moot” you beforehand. When you’ve already heard the worst case scenario question once, you’ll be prepared. And if something comes in from left field, first pause. Then, have a stock answer ready, such as “I’ll take that back and get you an answer,” or “I am glad to brief the issue,” etc.
Anonymous
For me it all comes down to sleep. If I’m well rested, I can think on my feet and be articulate. But if I’m going on 6 hours a night, as I am right now, I turn into a blithering idiot.
Anon
Practice. Seriously just practice. In phone calls, video calls, casual conversation, anything low stakes. Also helps me to jot a few high level notes (like one word) for flow during the actual meeting before I speak up (you have to do this fast, but it helps me stay on track).
Anon
This. Practice is the only thing that helps me with any kind of public speaking.
PolyD
Preparation and practice.
Also, be okay with pauses and silence – give yourself a couple of seconds to collect your thoughts and organize them.
And realize that most people are not great at speaking like that and we don’t even notice. I do, because I spent a lot of time at my previous job working from transcripts of meetings and trying to summarize what everyone was blathering on about. It was not unusual for me to be able to take a page or two of talking and summarize it in one sentence. This applied to basically everyone at the meetings, not just the person who was “bad” at extemporaneous talking.
PolyD
Trying again to avoid moderation, sigh. Some of the trigger words/syllables here are quite annoying.
Preparation and practice.
Also, be okay with pauses and silence – give yourself a couple of seconds to collect your thoughts and organize them.
And realize that most people are not great at speaking like that and we don’t even notice. I do, because I spent a lot of time at my previous job working from the “documents of written out speaking” at meetings and trying to summarize what everyone was blathering on about. It was not unusual for me to be able to take a page or two of talking and summarize it in one sentence. This applied to basically everyone at the meetings, not just the person who was “bad” at extemporaneous talking.
Coach Laura
The only thing that helped me was Toastmasters. I don’t know if TM is virtual via zoom or in person yet and may depend on where you are, but it is a fabulous program.
Aunt Jamesina
Something that helped me is realizing that not all questions in meetings need an immediate answer. It’s often okay to say that you’ll look into the issue and get back to the person later! Particularly for items that are related to sensitive issues or those that demand high accuracy.
CMS
I try to think in advance about what the most likely 5-7 questions/critiques will be and prepare for those just like a canned presentation.
Also, short answers are almost always better. Say what you want to say succinctly and then stop talking. The person on the other side is free to ask follow up, but going on and on creates a perception of disordered thoughts.
Anonanonanon
This is me. I haven’t fixed it. But one tip that seemed to help was to pretend to write my answers as I speak. That forces me to slow down and seems to make me a bit more articulate. I forget to do it half the time.
Anonymous
Anyone done a no-buying challenge? On college I lived on $20/week after rent and tuition, now that I have steady income and healthy savings I am spending often. Meals out, a new outfit… I do well with “month long” challenges and curious if anyone here has tried a no eating out, no credit card, no clothes, etc. type of month. (I would just pick one)
Cornellian
I have not in years, but I have been thinking I should. I don’t have any clear leaks in my budget but I’m just spending too much, I think probably by having mildly inflated spending in a bunch of categories.
The challenge I found most useful was to buy nothing except food ingredients and medical costs. So no clothing, no eating out, no cosmetics, no premade meals. It also forced me to declutter a bit and eat down the larder, or whatever the saying is, so I didn’t waste as much food. If my SPF ran out I almost inevitably found 3 samples in the back of my closet and cleaned it out as I went. I think it would be hard to do for more than a month if you have a more demanding job and/or dependents, but I found it a useful reset.
Cb
I think we struggled to re-adjust from the “we aren’t going anywhere, we might as well buy ourselves nice things” pandemic period, to doing things again + massive increase in fuel prices, etc. Plus paying rent/airfare to another city multiple times per month and some house expenses. So we had an oh-crap moment a few weeks ago and are on a bare bones budget until things even out a bit.
Cornellian
Yeah commuting internationally will certainly do that. Especially on your tiny, paltry salary!
For me I think it’s renovation stuff (mostly done ourselves, but so many Home Depot trips!) and, frankly, alcohol. I’m pregnant, so that blame is squarely on DH. I also had weird cravings and aversions this spring so we probably wasted more food and ate out more than normal. Nothing wild, but together it means I had an “oh cr-p, I don’t have money for daycare!” moment which is a scary feeling. I grew up like that and do not need to go back!
Cb
:) We had to do a bit of creative accounting, as we get a government top up for childcare (basically reimbursed for the base rate of tax) but didn’t have the money to transfer into the account and back out again. Only 3 more months of nursery bills.
And then both our toilets broke at once…
Ellen
Yes. Since the pandemic, I have cut back on eating out, and shopping is limited by COVID risks. With the inflation, Dad has told me to cut back on my buying b/c everything costs more. I am also eating less, which is good b/c I need to loose weight b/f our big lawfirm outing, where I am expected to wear my new bikini and go swimming in the manageing partner’s pool with his son.
Anon
I’ve been making a conscious effort to walk and bike my errands, commutes, etc. Even with gas prices what they are, I’ve spent half as much as this time last year (which was already a pretty low amount). Those little jaunts add up.
It saves me time – my workouts are incorporated into my daily activities – and money.
Cb
Someone suggested putting a buck in a jar for every time you take a trip by bike or foot that you could have taken in the car. You’re saving that amount anyways and you can use it as a sneaker or bike accessory fund.
Anon
The beauty of bikes is that if you buy good quality stuff and maintain it, it’s actually possible to have everything you could possibly want. Except for n+1 bikes.
Anon
I used to do these and honestly with inflation I need to do them again! I usually do no clothes shopping months.
I also like to go back to the toddler sticker chart mentality where I “earn” my purchases by doing xyz for a month. I bought myself a nice wool coat this winter after doing dry January and bought boots after not eating sweets during lent.
Anonymous
I have in the past but will admit it’s harder now. I can easily do it with clothes or the “one in and one out.” But everything else doesn’t feel right. I had food insecurity as a kid and the beginning of the pandemic was majorly triggering. Given supply chain weirdness and general instability right now, I don’t feel as comfortable waiting until my last soap or bottle of conditioner or whatnot. And life is too short to stress over this unless I’m in a situation where means isn’t available for a reasonable budget (like school, job loss, etc.) I
Anon
I would say to buy as many shelf-stable items (pasta, sauce, TP, soap) as you can easily store when the pricing is favorable. I am trying to “friend-cycle” through items not currently used, mainly kids’ items that are outgrown or so disfavored as to not be worth the hanger space. But also items of mine that are just failure-to-launch purchases. And Goodwill is taking donations (but I fear they may be overwhelmed with sheath dresses and heels and work wear, so only donating men’s items and trying to rehome the women’s ones so they don’t wind up being in the rag big at Goodwill).
Anne-on
Fwiw I had great luck donating old work clothes to two of our local community colleges that have an ‘interview closet’ for students to pull from when they are going on their first job interviews. They were thrilled to get the pieces and I knew they were going to be put to good use!
Anne-on
This is a good point – the pandemic deeply screwed up supply chains and I still find myself buying a few extra of things I know we need/use so I have them in the event they randomly go out of stock again. It is the first time in my adult life there simply aren’t things like meat, or salsa, or baby formula, or kids shoes, etc. I am trying to ‘shop my stash’ now but it will likely take some time before I feel comfortable not having backups on hand. I do wonder if this is our generations great depression – we all will have a small stash of essentials just in case like my grandma saved containers/hard a hard time throwing out or giving away useful items.
That being said I’m trying right now to use local resources more – books and movies from libraries, walking in parks, and trying to ‘spend my feelings’ less on things like clothes!
Anonymous
Not exactly the same, but I’ve become extremely conscious about food waste and have become so much more disciplined about not buying more than we can consume, and eating up what we have – lots of leftovers. Am not proud to say it was the price of food that prompted this behavior, more so than the ethical issues associated with food waste.
Anon
Personally, if you do it, I’d never consider a “no eating out” rule as I think it’s really important to socialize with people especially coming out of the pandemic. Perhaps modify that to no eating out alone.
Cb
I have a “no buying mediocre food” rule. So I won’t waste money on a terrible Starbucks croissant or a grocery store sandwich.
Anon
I love that rule! I informally have it too, as Im watching what I’m eating and so I don’t want to waste calories on bad food (why do my parents insist on only buying Thomas’ bagels when I visit?!)
I agree with the previous poster that when I’m trying to spend less money, I never fully cut out earring out since the social aspect is so important. I just stop getting takeout, coffee out, and generally eating out unless it’s for socialization
Cb
Yeah, I have a sweet tooth and I only eat delicious sweets, perfect chocolate etc. Keeps things in check.
No Face
Same! If I am at a restaurant, the food needs to be better than I can make at home.
As far as socializing goes, I have more fun at a picnic with friends than at a restaurant. Easier to talk and cheaper.
Vicky Austin
I also have this rule! If I’m going to splash out on a lunch other than what I packed/prepped for the week, it had better be enjoyable.
Anon
This is such a good idea! Only buy what’s really worth it. I can make my own coffee.
Deedee
I probably need to do this… When I was WFH it was easy to spend very very little, especially on clothes, eating out, etc. It’s super hard for me to adjust to being back in the office (so occasional networking lunches, needing and also some wanting of new business clothes) alongside much higher prices for food, gas, utilities, and airfare.
I have gotten a lot of value out of the approach of asking, if someone offered me $X or this sandwich, blouse, etc. I want, which would I rather have? Often the money I see the money I’d save as more attractive than an impulse purchase.
Anonymous
Instead of no-buy for meals out for a month, I modified it to a “low buy” giving myself two meals out. Because honestly, I can’t stand eating my own cooking after two weeks straight and I need a mental and taste break (I’m single and live alone). It worked pretty well.
Also did a no-buy of non-essential items for a month, which helped me cut random online scrolling and buying. Unsubscribed to a whole bunch of emails, and instead spent a lot of time at the library or doing outdoor hikes.
Anon
No Amazon has helped a lot with reducing my spending. If I put something on a list to buy elsewhere versus just buying the moment something comes to mind, I often decide I don’t really need it or find it cheaper somewhere else.
anon
We’re trying to cut back on the small stuff that adds up.
Food: I’ve been going home for lunch and eating leftovers instead of going out for lunch. We aren’t eating out or getting takeout, and we are meal-planning on the weekends to plan some cheaper meals, use up what’s in our pantry/freezer, and include some low-effort meals for nights we need a break. We’ve invited friends and family over a couple of times but are serving less expensive food than we did pre-pandemic or even a few months ago. We’re cutting back on alcohol. I’m thinking about switching from my local grocery to a chain, but it’s my last resort for saving on food costs.
Travel: We canceled a couple of shorter/long weekend trips that would have costs $400-600 each. We do have a larger summer vacation coming up, which is partially paid for because I’m combining it with a work conference.
Shopping: I try to buy to replace, or when there’s a long-identified need. That goes for clothes, shoes, makeup/beauty products, etc. For consumables, I’m OK having one behind the one that’s open. We buy a few household items at Costco and have a cabinet in our garage for extras when we buy stuff in bulk. Right now, we’re being stricter than usual, although I plan to buy 1-2 bras for myself and some summer clothes and shoes for my kid in the next week or two.
Aunt Jamesina
I’ve done this in the past for certain categories of purchases. One thing that I found helpful was to limit purchases to a certain day (e.g., only purchasing non-essentials on the last Friday of the month, or only doing Target runs once per quarter). Frees up a lot of brain space and then I avoid trying to justify purchases as essential. I find that once that date rolls around I don’t “need” as much as I thought I did.
Anonymous
I do No Buy for a month in categories where I may have already been overbought this year, like no new makeup or no new sweaters. It gets me to get used to using what I have.
Senior Attorney
In the past I have done “no non-consumable purchases” months and that’s been a good re-set on my spending and buying habits. I should do that again. I’ve also done “no online shopping except on the weekends,” and it’s surprising how often the urge to click “buy” disappears by the time Saturday rolls around.
Anon
To recap from yesterday, is there a definitive statement as to who can use what I think of as handicapped stalls in public bathrooms (double width stalls with grab bars; frequently also where baby changing shelves are)?
Anonymous
Go away
Anon
The law regulates how many accessible bathrooms are available in an establishment and how they’re designed (height of toilet, space of stall, etc.). Unfortunately, there are still often barriers to access, as the letter of the law doesn’t always result in spaces that can actually be easily accessed or used by people in wheelchairs. The law says nothing about who can use them, as they count as part of the number of bathrooms a business is supposed to have for a given occupancy (clearly implying that they are expected to be used). I absolutely agree that you shouldn’t use these stalls when other options are available, but there are other genuine needs for these stalls, especially when child care facilities are placed in that stall (I’d certainly advocate against that, but in the moment, you don’t have a choice about needing it).
Just keep in mind that there are lots of people with disabilities that aren’t readily apparent and don’t police use of the stall- I say this as someone who has a disability that means I need to use the bathroom A LOT, though not the accessible stall (for the record, I only use it when there are no other options), so I understand how much it sucks to not have bathroom options- it limits my travel and keeps me from a number of activities where there are no bathrooms or they always have long lines, which is why I advocate for efficient use of available bathroom space. Nobody is going to bump me to the front of the line because I don’t “look” disabled, but there are a lot of people with similar conditions (IBS, IBD, Crohn’s, IC) and it’s not super fun to have to announce it to a long line of coworkers. I do encourage everyone to advocate for more and better bathroom access- the more people think about these things and support changes in accessibility, the better off we all are. Many people will end up with some degree of disability at some point in their life, so you’re not just advocating for other people, you’re creating a better world for yourself as well.
Anon
This is great. I think I like that more businesses are going with large (like large enough for a parent / caregiver) ungendered bathrooms, but it does also drastically cut down on the number of them. I wish that for more places like rest stops and arenas that have lots of spots to have more than 1 large one (my MIL has two new hips and a walker and often my SIL will help her — that means that a place needs not just to be very long but also fairly wide). It helps with “family caregivers” of mixed genders (my friend has a son who has drawfism and some other issues and now that he is a middle-schooler, it gets awkward and they’d just like more privacy overall). IDK what the answer is, but in new builds, let’s hope people keep trying to do better. I’d just be happy for stall doors to swing out vs in (where I feel like I am doing an awkward tango b/w the toilet paper roller and the door and the toilet).
Ribena
Another aspect is temporary disabilities. I ended up with such bad DOMS after a strength workout a few weeks ago that I had to use the accessible bathroom at work because of the handrails. Literally could not lower my body down without them.
Anon
I’ve had several co-workers on knee scooters.
Anon
one of the best posts in recent days. thank you!
Anon
Thanks! I’d like to add that bathroom access isn’t just an issue for people with disabilities and parents of small children, but also for people who need gender neutral bathrooms and for the increasing number of delivery workers, Uber drivers, and anyone else who doesn’t have good access to a bathroom. It’s appalling how difficult it is to access bathrooms without making a purchase in a lot of places. And even as a customer there’s a lot of discrimination about how people look and whether they should be given access. I get that vandalism and drug use are a problem, but this is a basic human need (and an issue of basic sanitation when the alternative is going in the street).
Anon
Agreed.One in five people have a disability and none of us have x-ray vision to determine others’ disability.
The key word here is ‘need’.
Disabled people live expensive, complicated lives and face so much ableism, we have to fight so hard for workplace accommodations; accessing healthcare; paying for disability equipment (my wheelchair cost $30,000 and $900 a year to insure), are medically vulnerable and much more likely to die from Covid, let alone considering all the fun stuff I used to take for granted that is now impossible. I can’t go out anywhere on my own and every trip requires mapping out routes and checking accessibility of the proposed venue.
If you wet yourself, a taxi won’t take you.
Help everyone out for advocating for better facilities and give a second thought about using the ambulant toilet instead of the one for disabled people.
Also Anon
Oop, I missed some tea didn’t I?
My thoughts: the accessible stall is there for anyone who needs it. If you don’t need it for accessibility reasons and there are other stalls available, use those. If you need to use the restroom and this is the only stall available, or you need to change a diaper and the changing station is in the accessible stall, to me that qualifies as “needing” it, just be aware that someone else who needs it may come in while you’re using it, and be efficient with your time.
Anonymous
I can’t understand why people fight against each other over things like this instead of fighting together to meet everyone’s needs. It’s ridiculous to only have one or two HC stalls in public places. It’s ridiculous that there aren’t enough stalls to accommodate the crowds that the location is designed to serve. It’s ridiculous that bathrooms are designed so poorly and cheaply that people can’t toilet with dignity. Let’s work together to change that rather than fight about who can use the improperly limited resources.
Panda Bear
+1
Anon
I’d guess this is written by someone who never felt helpless while either they or a loved one couldn’t use a restroom in time while able bodies blocked them.
paging Elysian
Late comment yesterday on the suit recommendations, and got misthteaded. Repeated below.:
Kind of off the wall, but Lands End Corporate carries truly machine washable suits. Very basic cuts, include multiple options, and pack beautifully. They do carry a bit of a flight attendant vibe in fabric and style, but I can get behind putting a different shirt/scarf with them every day and calling it a new outfit. Mine were very modestly priced and have worn like iron. These are great for the times when you need to just check the “I’m wearing an actual suit” box.
Be sure to opt out of any mailing lists you can, they will put you on some sort of corporate/commercial mailing list that is a little annoying, but can be canceled out of. They usually have some sort of sale code going on, too. If they don’t have your size/color on the regular site, call the 800 number or look on the corporate site. Good luck!
Anon
Cintas also does, and individuals can purchase pieces as well – their website is not just for corporate customers. Sizing runs a tad smaller than comparable BR/Talbots. Their target demo seems to be hospitality staff, so they’re comfortable and have pockets!
Anon
My office sadly stopped offering free food/coffee 2 weeks ago so I’m back on meal prepping and brown bagging it. Now that it’s hot, I want to bring iced coffee from home but I don’t know the best way to do so.
I hate cold brew and most options I see for diy at home cold coffee involve making cold brew. I also live with roommates so fridge/freezer space is at a premium as it’s shared by 5 people. Looking for recommendations!
Cornellian
You hate cold brew… do you mean you like to brew hot coffee and then cool it down? That is wild to me, ha. It’s so bitter!
But at any rate, if you don’t want to buy some concentrate and keep it at work, could you make a tray of coffee ice cubes at home? If you pour milk or brewed coffee over them, they should be coffee by the time you arrive at work. I’ve also been seeing ads for hyper concentrated concentrate so it takes up basically no space, but can’t speak to it directly.
Anon
– lots of iced coffees sold by the liter at the grocery store. My favorite is Stok but that’s a cold brew.
– for space and cost, brew coffee the night before, stick it in an non-insulated travel cup and put it in the fridge
helloanon
I don’t like cold brew either, so I get it! I do like the Stok brand iced coffee/cold brew (green label). It tastes more like regular coffee and less like cold brew to me. Beyond that, I just make regular coffee and ice it in a pitcher in my fridge.
Anon
I also dislike cold brew (I like bitter – this is literally how I realized I enjoy it ha). I like the Starbucks Iced Coffee jugs. They’re also shelf stable, so whenever they go on sale, I buy a ton and stick them in my closet (literally), and just pop the one I want at the time into the fridge.
Anonymous
I used to make French press coffee at night and go then either refrigerate it or just let it sit on the counter overnight. Check the health news on whether this brewing method is for you, though.
Anon
Wait, as someone who doesn’t drink coffee, what is iced coffee if not cold brew?
Anon
Cold brew is a method of making iced coffee, but you can also make regular coffee and cool it. Two different things and the flavor is different. I like iced coffee but I also hate cold brew.
Cornellian
It’s refrigerated hot brew. It’s way cheaper and faster to make, but is also more bitter. Cold brew takes more grounds and time to extract since heat doesn’t speed the process up (but is way preferable taste-wise, to me. apparently not to OP!)
Anon
Lol, see I find the opposite! Cold brew tastes incredibly bitter to me!
AIMS
my stepfather doesn’t like to drink hot beverages & I got him this for some holiday occasion. I don’t think he has the highest standards but he has been happy with it: https://www.zokuhome.com/products/iced-coffee-maker
NYCer
Interesting how tastes can differ, I find cold brew to be way more bitter and way too strong as compared to regular iced coffee (i.e., cooled hot coffee). Like OP, I also hate cold brew, but drink iced coffee almost every day!!
Anon
You need high quality coffee beans for cold brew. Anything cheap will taste like gunky brown water.
NYNY
How do you usually make coffee at home? If you have time in the morning to make it, just brew strong coffee directly over ice. Technically, the ice replaces the equivalent weight of water, although I don’t get all fancy with a scale or anything. You’ll need an insulated cup to keep it cold, and this assumes you have ice and time in the morning, but it works really well. I’ve done it with a Chemex, Keurig pods (directly into the insulated cup), and an automatic drip coffeemaker.
Anonymous
I cannot stand homemade cold brew or Starbucks cold brew, but I like the refrigerated cold brews at the grocery store. Chameleon is my favorite. When I went to the office, I would mix up the Chameleon cold brew concentrate with milk, ice, and a little simple syrup in a wide-mouth S’well Traveler in the morning and it would stay nice and cold all day.
Duckles
Is this the cilantro debate of our times?? This is wild to me I love cold brew but will leave a coffee shop with nothing if they only have iced coffee
OP
I always ask if their iced coffee is iced coffee or cold brew and if it’s cold brew I leave empty handed (or with an iced latte)
OP
I am also a cilantro is soap person so I have a lot of hot food takes, apparently
Anon
Hey OP I am a cilantro is soap person, cannot stand bananas (don’t even want to be in the same room with a ripening banana) and hate most iced coffee. But I like Vietnamese iced coffee. Have you had that? You’d have to order it at a Vietnamese restaurant. It’s chicory coffee made hot and dripped very slowly over a big glass of ice with a bit of sweetened condensed milk. You can buy all these things and DIY.
MagicUnicorn
Cilantro is delicious but bananas are truly the devil. Humans are fun!
Anonymous
I like the La Colombe canned lattes. Pricey, but much cheaper than the coffee shop.
The Lone Ranger
Back in the day, my dad just perked a pot of coffee in the evening, and stuck it the fridge. In the morning he poured it into his thermos and took it to work. You could brew coffee however you brew your hot coffee and just let it cool down. Coffee ice cubes would be a nice touch, but aren’t strickly necessary.
OP
Thank you all! I might look into the grocery store iced coffee as a compromise since whenever I make hot coffee and leave it in the fridge it never turns out well but I dislike cold brew (I don’t care for the taste, it gives me a stomach ache and makes me jittery (I’m like a 4 coffee/latte a day gal but a few sips of cold brew makes me sick!)
AIMS
I posted up top, but also get jittery from some cold brew — except that it isn’t actually cold brew that is my issue but the “nitro” cold brew at Starbucks. So maybe play around with it. It’s not all the same.
Anon
Nitro cold brew is very different than regular cold brew (and gives many die-hard coffee drinkers the jitters) so you’re not alone!
You can also make a moka pot of espresso and ice it, and then make an iced americano in the morning. (Smitten Kitchen can break down how to do this).
Anon
Cold brew has extra caffeine. Consider doing an espresso over a LOT of ice, which actually has less caffeine than normal coffee.
Anon
If you only like iced coffee from Starbucks etc, and not hot coffee cooled down at home, you should be aware Starbucks automatically adds ~4 pumps of sweetener to their iced coffee (unless you specifically ask them not to) Or at least they used to.
OP
I always ask for no sweetener at Starbucks/coffee shops. I hate any sugar/sweetener in my coffee – cold or hot!
I think one of the things I don’t like about diy iced coffee is it’s too cold (I know this sounds weird). At coffee shops it seems to be room temp + ice but at home I keep it in the fridge and it’s too cold to be tasty.
Ribena
I make a pot full of STRONG filter coffee then pop it in a carafe in the fridge to turn into iced coffees for the next few days.
Anon
You guys make me so happy I’m an iced tea drinker! This all seems very complicated!
Anonymous
My boyfriend has 30% parenting time in another state (ex wife got remarried and moved kid, court battle, they settled on she pays for his flights). He has an apartment there and a house here. He has multiple framed copies of kid’s school photos in the bedroom, family room, and kitchen. Kid is 7, so we have a lot more school photos to go. Is there a non-rude sounding way I can ask him to consolidate – maybe have one copy of each school year, or maybe put them in one room? We’re moving in together in July and he said he’s open to redecorating as we consolidate stuff, but I don’t want to make it sound like I’m trying to hide kid’s photos.
Anonymous
I hope this is not a serious question because if it is your relationship is doomed, and for his child’s sake I hope sooner rather than later.
Short answer: No. There is no way to do this without making it sound like you are trying to hide his child’s photos. Because you are.
Good heavens.
Anonymous
Wow.
pink
no
Anonymous
As you decorate together, suggest a place for family photos (from both of you) – a gallery wall or something like that. Maybe put each yearly school photo in a matching frame (buy enough for all 12 years) and have a place in a hallway where they can be displayed and you both can watch the changes over the years. Losing regular access to his son has to be incredibly painful for him; I think you can help make the places where the photos are displayed powerful and impactful without making it feel as though every room is dominated by the same theme. Lead with this though – don’t make it an afterthought.
Anon
I agree with this, and would also like to add that it sounds from OP’s post like it’s literally just the same couple of pictures in every room in duplicate/triplicate. Perhaps help him pick out some cute candids of the kiddo or other photos of him with his kid to put in the bedroom just to switch it up.
Anon.
I think this might be a good approach, given the sensitivity of the topic.
But I think you need to explore what triggered your question, because the way you wrote it came across a bit weird. You sounded annoyed about the photos taking up space in several common areas of your shared house.
AIMS
I agree it came across as a bit weird but I can also picture my kids’ grandparents house where literally every inch of available space is covered with kid photos with frames stacked practically on top of one another and it would drive me insane to live there and they are mostly my kids and my nieces/nephews. I would give OP’s question the benefit of the doubt.
Anon
To me, it sounded like there isn’t much room for anything else, and she wants to be able to have her photos represented, too. Could be wrong but that’s what it sounded like to me.
anon
Is it that you don’t want so many photos of the kid, or alternatively, that something like the clutter from a bunch of different frames bugs you? The latter is a lot easier to address with either switching out to similar frames or creating a gallery wall. It’s also easy to say, that, for example, I really like clean and clear surfaces without a bunch of knick knacks and then you likewise don’t have a bunch of framed photos. I’m a proponent of a gallery wall so that you can swap out and “refresh” it every few years while keeping the table top frame situation under control. And, I say this as someone who is very much not a table top frame person and came from a family that had entire living room tables covered in frames.
Anon.
Agree, you can’t police the number of photos, but you can maybe come to a better solution about where/how to present them.
BeenThatGuy
This might not be the relationship for you if you are going to police this type of thing. If my partner asked me to limit the amount of pictures I have of my son in my house, we wouldn’t be in a relationship any longer. On the flip side, I’d have some pretty harsh words to my son’s step-mother if she limited his photos in my ex-husbands house.
Anon
+1
Anon
I get it though. It’s bad decorating to have the same thing in 3 rooms of the house. But b/c it’s kid pics you are the bad guy. You can’t really fix this until he decides that it is overkill (e.g., you get married and have your own kids together and at that point you are putting stuff on ceilings b/c you are out of space) or he puts his house on the market and the realtor makes him pack up this stuff in a pod b/c it’s weird as a distracting design matter.
Anon
I’m surprised at the reactions here but I’m just not sentimental like that. A photo isn’t the actual kid. I’d come in with some design ideas that incorporate the kid photos in a more tasteful way. A family galley wall is an easy idea. Framebridge has some pre done options that you might be able to propose. I’d also see if he has better photos than school pics – those are usually terrible. Maybe consider giving him a professional father/son photo shoot as a gift and making those pics the focal point.
Anon
I’m surprised at the reactions here but I’m just not sentimental like that. A photo isn’t the actual kid. I’d come in with some design ideas that use the kid photos in a more tasteful way. A family galley wall is an easy idea. Framebridge has some pre done options that you might be able to propose. I’d also see if he has better photos than school pics, those are usually terrible. Maybe consider giving him a professional father -son photo shoot as a gift and making those pics the focal point.
Anon
It’s hard to move in with someone and it’s their house, already decorated, especially if it doesn’t suit you. Or you’re not even allowed to be part of the discussion, like it’s not really also your living space and you don’t get a say. [Never mind the kid aspect; it could all be chairs with doilies b/c his grandmother gave them to him and he just loved her to bits.] It’s hard to be a guest in your own house. I think it’s also hard to be the women coming into this; my grandmother remarried after my grandfather died and as far as I could tell, “Tim” moved in with a toothbrush and cared not one whit about all of the stuff that was obviously my grandfather’s and the millions of kid things and pictures of my aunts and uncles. It’s a gift to be like that; I am not.
Anon
Moving in is easiest done if you move into a new space with nothing but a mattress. This is tricky if it is his house and you get what — some rod space in a closet and a drawer in the bathroom. That’s not your home then, IMO, that’s a bad extended-stay hotel.
Anonymous
It can be hard. I say this as a stepmother who moved into my husband’s existing home. But I also think there is a major difference between chairs with doilies and kid photos. It’s hard enough to blend without a kid coming back and seeing that his photos have been lessened. How would that make you feel? This isn’t just a decorating issue. And family dynamics are more important than decorating issues. The most I’d go is aiming for frames in the same color. But anything else is really treading into dangerous territory. I’d pick my battles.
Cat
Is this a decor question? Because the way you asked it, it comes across…. really poorly.
Maybe try approaching this from a positive perspective for better luck. “Could we take some photos of Kid ourselves? I think candid shots are so cute.”
DeepSouth
I am interested in comments. My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together and I have one zillion photos of my daughter in three gallery walls around my house. He has very few photos of his kids — the ex got hard copies and he hasn’t made an effort to reprint digitals. (His kids are adults, FWIW). I honestly wonder how to handle our commingling in a way that won’t appear insulting to his kids when they come to visit. It’s a hard space. The small details of blending families are heavy.
I enjoy photos as decor. He doesn’t. It’s not a reflection of parenting/commitment. I think that you can frame your conversation in the same way. Maybe your BF uses those photos because he hasn’t bothered to think about purchasing art.
You can create a gallery wall as a point of decor, or choose to use family photos in frames as knickknacks. I think as long as you make it clear that you aren’t trying to get rid of them, but just to change to a blended home style for both of you, it’s totally reasonable.
Anonymous
I know you didn’t ask for advice, but it might be cool for you to take the lead on creating a picture wall of both sets of kids in a prominent space. DH is so not a photo guy but he found these square blocks on a Groupon/similar and said it was super easy to get them printed and delivered. They turned out great and now his old army days pictures, my solo vacay pics, and our vacation and wedding pictures happily coexist on one wall.
Anonymous
Don’t make it about the kid, make it about the photos. I’m assuming you mean he has the same photo in each room.
“Hey, let’s make sure to get a great photo of you and Kid!” Then have it framed. Once you have more photos beyond the school pics, broach a designated School Photo Zone (maybe one frame to hold the current and others behind it). Then fill the house with photos of little league, scout awards, dad & me at the fishing derby, kid art work, whatever.
Anon
I read this like he was sent one of the school photo print packages, and so there are repeats of the same school photo in multiple rooms. I love the idea of asking to take candids or doing a gallery wall of both of your families or buying frames you like – anything to find ways to incorporate the son’s photos in a way that suits your decor.
This is NOT AT ALL the same, but my husband had framed photos of the dog he shared with his ex-wife all over his house…I lived with them for a bit, and then, like, the big gallery wrapped canvas of the dog went into a closet, but the cute 4″ photo of him is on our foyer table and is one of the first things you see when you come in our house, even though I never met the pup, and another framed photo is on our office bookshelf.
Amy
I say just go for it. Ask exactly what you want to ask. Tell him whatever your ideal solution would be, whether that be one room, one frame, no photos of the kid at all. At least then he’ll know where you stand. If he’s cool with it, cool, you arrive at a place you’re both comfortable. If he’s not, better you both know now than avoid the issue.
Anon
This. If it won’t feel like your house or he won’t let you, you deserve to know so you do t make this your home by default and with only a hope that it gets better.
Also Anon
You’re well on your way to becoming a wicked stepmother with that attitude. What’s next, are you looking at boarding schools in Europe?
No, you do not ask someone to “consolidate” photos of their kid. It does sound like you want him to minimize his “old” life for you, but he’s still a parent (even if it’s 30% of the time) and that’s still his child, if you can’t deal a child taking up space in his life, you should move out of the way for someone who can.
anon for this
Speaking as someone whose stepmother did not, and does not, display a single photo of me in the home she shares with my father, but has lots of other photos of her other children and friends up, this is the sort of thing that can cause real, lasting wounds. I understand why my father didn’t advocate more for me, but that doesn’t mean I forgive him for it.
roxie
Curious as to why you’re placing all the blame on SM here? Sounds like it is in fact your dad who didn’t display a photo of you since it is also his home, and he is the one with the responsibility to you, not SM?
Anonymous
It’s perfectly reasonable to want to not have the exact same photo in three different spaces. Reasonable is probably out of the picture with the involuntary separation, so you’ll probably have to set your bar lower. It’s understandable that he made his home into a shrine of missing his son, but it’s not a good thing if you’re consolidating.
Bedroom – have a conversation about keeping the bedroom a common, restful oasis for the both of you, talk about color schemes, clutter thresholds etc. Maybe keep however many photos each that work on your nightstands, and nothing on the walls.
Gallery wall – do have a gallery wall, somewhere prominent and large surface you walk past every day. Don’t have it in your face where you sit eat or watch TV, but make it a dynamic wall and keep designated places on the wall for the kid’s most recent artwork or similar. Make it wall that you redecorate together with kid whenever he visits, talk to kid about how having this special wall is a nice thing for dad. Take pictures of kid and dad together, action pictures, picnic pictures, game pictures – and change them up!
Kitchen – either have a yearly calendar of “best of kid” pictures, or keep a small message board with recent pictures of the two of them and all the practical info of the next visit with flight times, remember to pick up x,y z.
But one major thing to do, is to find out if you can agree on limits. Things like “these three walls are our only photo walls” and keep them as a limit. So if you suddenly have more photos, kid or otherwise, than works on the three walls, something has to come down from the wall for something else to go up! How? You keep designated photo books to put the pictures into when they go down. Take them out of the frame and into a book. Keep the photo books in a bookshelf easily accessible.
Anon
I am married to, and live with, the father of our kids. My husband puts photos of OUR kids on every wall, on every countertop, and it drives me crazy. I have tried to negotiate fewer photos. Failed. When my husband was out of town, I culled three boxes full of framed photos and tossed them in the basement. Failed. No matter what, he refills the available space with photos of our kids. There are often duplicates. Your situation is much more fraught than mine, and I still have not managed to reduce the photo overload.
Anonymous
See this I what I read as the scenario OP is trying to avoid – being drowned in photo clutter. And yes, it is clutter even though it’s kid’s pictures.
Would be interested to know how many of the people piling on the OP above, pulling wicked stepmom cards, have grown up in photo heavy homes, and which has not. My guess: the people talking about “policing” photos have grown up in photo heavy homes equaling photos to acts of love. :)
Anon
I grew up in a borderline hoarding house and would never in a million years move into this house under these circumstances. Peace to me is a house I have agency over. Not moving into someone else’s house suited to their tastes 100% with 0% given to what suits me. It seems like this guy has limited room for a SO who is moving in and honestly, this does not look promising. If it’s not the kid pics, it will be something else.
FWIW, I am a stepparent and a parent and we have two framed pictures of each kid on a book case and lots of photobooks. We also started fresh in a new house after selling our prior houses b/c of wanting it to be “our” house. DH was a slob and his house was dirty and dusty and I was just miserable there. DH also cast kid as a permanent 3YO (age when he got separated) and always thought it would be “too painful” for the kid to have any changes to his bedroom when it was infantilizing (like never letting your kid bike without training wheels). DH also had weird issues about all bedrooms needing to be on the same floor (fine for babies, but maybe the teens prefer some separation, even in vacation rentals, but he has finally gotten past that), but that’s his anxiety talking more than anything.
Quail
Well, even if it is – seems like it’s the dad’s love language and maybe the kid’s. OP can’t just declare that’s no longer the case and that they should express their love differently. I agree with PP that introducing candids is the way to go. If I only saw my kid 30% of the time and they lived in another state you’d bet I’d have pictures in at at least three rooms.
Anonymous
If they’re digital (or heck, even can be scanned to digital), digital frames are a great way to have lots of pictures rotate through without the clutter.
Anon
This is what I came here to suggest.
I also agree with the take about “photo overload.” It also sounds like some of the photos are old, but not in a classic sense, and there is no plan to keep them current.
I grew up in a “family gallery” house and they insisted on keeping photos of me as a five year old up there, because they enjoyed showing people photos of “Little Rachey.” Photos of me as a grown-ass adult? LOL. Here’s a thing: past a certain age, teenagers/adults don’t want gallery walls of old photos of them.
Anonymous
Do you get the sense that he’s using the pictures as a replacement for his child? If that’s the case then I don’t think you’re going to get him to not put pictures in every room. I think it’s fair to work on the location of the pictures within each room though. In the kitchen, the pics can be magnets on the fridge so they’re not taking up counter space. In other rooms, make a photo wall. Have one spot like a mantle to put framed pictures on a surface.
Does he have ONLY school pics? As a guest in your home, I would find it odd if there were a ton of pics everywhere but they were all staged pics like school and Santa and such. It gives the impression that he has no actual relationship with his child. I would think it would be a real sadness for him too – that this staged pic is the only thing he has. It would be a great gift idea for you to help display candid pictures of the kid so it looks a little more lively.
Anon 2.0
Ooof this is tough and depending on the way you read this, it sounds pretty bad. I am going to assume your intent is solely about decor and not an underlying issue with the child. In that case, I’d take the imitative to make a large, fun gallery wall for the photos. Put effort into it – buy nice frames, take the time to arrange it nicely,, add a few photos of the 3 of you together, etc. Instead of thinking of it as just kid photos make this a fun family wall where it’s fun to hang a new photo up amongst the memories instead of sticking it in a small frame and plopping it on a table.
Anon
Go to premarital counseling. When you marry this man, you’re marrying his kids too. You don’t seem to even like them, much less enthusiastically accept your new role as step mom.
Leave this man to someone who is willing to love his kids.
roxie
nope, not true. Look up the NACHO method. Especially for a kid who isn’t there even half time, there’s no presumed plan that OP is marrying the kid too. that’s an outdated view of family blending.
Signed,
lives with my partner but does NOT parent his kid and never will and this totally works for us
Anon
So it’s sort of a you-first children-last philosophy? Nice.
roxie
No, it’s a “kids needs come first, but their wants don’t necessarily come before adults’ want” philosophy. You should try it, it ensures kids aren’t spoiled brats!
Afternoon slump
I arrive at work SO energized but absolutely lose my mojo around the afternoon. I find myself energized again around 8pm (not helpful as I wake up at 5 daily, which is not flexible due to family demands). I don’t think this is necessarily uncommon, but any tips for powering through the afternoon, apart from coffee, which may just be the only answer?
Cb
Fresh air, exercise. I know I’m better in the AM so I try to avoid email as much as possible first thing and then deal with all the pesky admin in the afternoon.
Anonymous
I avoid carbs at lunch and try to get outside every day even if it’s literally for 30 seconds outside the door.
Anonymous
Make sure you have some lean protein at lunch – half a chicken breast (3 to 4 oz) with some good veggies and a bit of fat helps keep my blood sugar on even keel and keep me going. I would also be very aware of caffeine intake, and whether this is impacting it.
anon a mouse
When I’m sagging, I try to take a walk or get some fresh air away from the computer screen for 10-15 minutes. I use that time to focus my thoughts and energy on 1-2 tasks I need to get done before the end of the day, then get a fresh beverage (I’m trying to limit caffeine but sometimes it’s necessary) and sit down and get to it.
amberwitch
I read a study recently that ‘preventive breaks’ might be good for that kind of situation. Taking a break in the morning led to more energy and stamina in the afternoon for the test subjects.
Kat G
Re “disappearing comments” – how many people are having this problem? What error message from the site are you receiving (commenting too quickly, duplicate comment, something else)? Can someone please give me an unusual word you used in one of the disappeared comments so I can search for it? We’re not seeing anything out of place in Trash or Spam.
Thank you for your patience and for reading!
Anonymous
I’m not seeing any error message. It’s just sometimes one minute it will say 27 comments. And then I’ll check back and there’s only 12. Even if I refresh.
Cat
Same, every so often the comment count will say one thing on the home page, but you click to the actual post and there are only say, half the total number of comments promised by the comment count.
Cat
personally- curious if the home page sometimes includes the comments that are currently held back by m-d in the total count, which would explain why the issue comes and goes as m-d catches up with a batch.
Kat G
This is what I think is happening. The number at top reflects the total number of comments on the post, including those in moderation and spam. Maybe a month ago we switched to a “new and better” thing with our server but it was only set to refresh the cache every hour, which obviously doesn’t work for this site. Now it’s reset to refresh every 5 minutes, but there’s still some weirdness with where things are caught and when in the caching process. Plus, the home page and interior pages (like posts) refresh at different time periods, I think, so the number of comments on the home page might be different than the number of comments on the post itself which might be different than the number of comments visible at that moment.
The comments that you guys have read that then disappear feels like a separate issue… I know there are a few times where I’m holding a comment in mod so I can look at the rest of the conversation/commenter’s history, and one of the other people approving comments just approves it — if it’s quick enough I’ll go back and delete it (usually controversial or pot-stirring or someone agreeing with themselves). But Cornellian’s bike comment wasn’t one of those, it didn’t hit the modQ at all. Hmmn.
Anonymous
No that’s not it. Sometimes I read a comment and then it and a dozen others are gone.
Anonymous
+1 I often see differences in comment count on the home page and on the post itself. Which is higher depends, but most often the homepage. I’ve just assumed it was a cache thing. It’s been happening for months.
Anon
I’ve noticed this. I’ve posted or read a comment, gone to refresh and it’s all gone. Sometimes it comes back and sometimes it’s just totally gone. No error message.
Cornellian
It’s happening less than it was for me. Yesterday on the moms site i commented on the “bike for a four year old” post and it was there, then it wasn’t when I refreshed. It reappeared later.
Anon
I just posted a response to this that totally disappeared. No mod message, just a refreshed page with nothing there. I guess we’ll see if it shows up later?
Kat G
Hmmn. I wonder if I’m doing it — every time we make an edit to a post the cache refreshes (possibly including a comment on the front end from me?). I wonder if some comments are falling between the cached time periods somehow. I can’t see anything else from your IP address (in this specific thread on comments).
Anon
My disappeared comment was just noticing that I switch between my phone and laptop and often comments will show up on my phone 10-20 minutes before my laptop, not sure what explains that.
Kat G
so still nothing from your IP address. The phenomenon probably has to do with the differences between your phone and laptop caching — but that’s just a wild guess.
Anon
Any tips on what to wear as a spectator to a national golf tournament? I am supposed to go to the PGA Championship tournament this Saturday, weather is going to be in the low 70’s. I don’t play golf, but bought a really cute golf outfit, Tail brand skort with matching woman’s golf polo, kind of a bright black, white and pink print and a white jacket, but now I’m worried it looks like I’m maybe trying too hard?
Anon
Clear bag and you may need to leave your phone in the car. There should be very clear rules re this and I know it has been hard for my friends to stomach (but there for a reason).
Anon
Oh, good to know, I wasn’t aware the bag had to be clear.
Ribena
Wait what is the reason for the phone rule??
Anon
It is distracting to the golfers, especially if putting.
Anon
The stakes are high for the golfers and you can’t trust that crowds of people will actually silence their phones.
Anonymous
Do spectators wear really wear golf clothes? In other sports the spectators don’t dress as if they are going to participate.
Anon
OP here, that’s what I was wondering. I probably don’t need to wear golf clothes. I really need to learn how to play, though, because there really are lots of cute golf outfits.
anon
Went to a PGA tournament this weekend. What you plan on wearing sounds great! Would add a hat depending on the weather/temperature in your neck of the woods.
Anonymous
Country club type outfits but more comfortable. You’re not playing golf but you’ll likely be walking around outside quite a bit. I’ve been to a bunch of pga tour events and my go to has been a cute skort with a nicer top and most importantly cute sneakers.
Anonymous
I would wear that outfit. Maybe bring a visor to help with glare when you are outside. I have a Tail skort. It is very comfortable and has pockets. I have gotten many compliments when I am not golfing, like at a kids sports event!
Anonymous
I’m going to this event on Friday and am wearing an Athleta Rincon dress and white fun tennis shoes. There’s lots of info online about purses – clear bags required. I think you can bring phones – mentions charging stations so…
anon
I come from a golf family! Most people will be wearing golf attire, so you will fit right in. Make sure you have appropriate sun protection – good hat, plenty of sunscreen, covered shoulders, etc. and comfortable shoes. Even if you are staying mostly in a marquee/sponsored tent, I find women can sometimes be ill prepared for walking around (i.e. don’t wear sandals) and it’s really fun to walk the course! But if you are mostly walking, mind that 18 holes is about 4-5 hours so uncomfortable shoes, sun-exposed shoulders, or too heavy of a purse will really get to you. If it rains, play will continue until there is lightning, so consider that! Depending on your access (i.e. grounds only or clubhouse, etc.) you may be using a port-a-potty, so plan accordingly. Make sure you have cash as you may want concessions while you are out walking the course. Most of the filling food will be by the clubhouse or 9th/18th so the further out you go, you will probably only find a beverage cart, maybe a snack stand or ice cream if you are lucky. Hydrate well and then use the bathroom before you head out onto the course. Be aware of where you are and if you are meeting people have a meeting place in case you get lost out on the course. You can get a course map or ask a course marshal to orient you, but it would be frowned upon to call your friend if you are lost (but text is fine). If you can bring your phone in, triple check that you silence it. Otherwise, keep your voice hushed and be mindful of your surroundings. You don’t want to be the one talking loudly when there is no one on the green in front of you but there IS someone on the tee behind you and you didn’t check. Or you don’t want to kick a ball that’s gone out of bounds because you aren’t watching where you are going. Also, just be aware where the medical tent is – usually near the clubhouse, in case you twist your ankle, get woozy in the sun, get stung by a bee, etc. Have fun! If you do walk the course, stretch your hamstrings when you get home :)
Anon
Everything you need to know about what you can bring etc is here: https://www.pgachampionship.com/faqs
Anon
Has anyone watched or followed the story of Donald Cline (fertility doctor who used his own sperm without knowledge or consent, new documentary on Netflix called Our Father)? I admit I’ve never practiced criminal law, but I don’t see how this doesn’t match some definition of battery. It was kind of like, well, this hasn’t happened before and we don’t have a specific law prohibiting this, so there’s nothing we can do! It did spur an updated law itself, so I suppose that was one positive result.
Anonymous
Reminds me of that “comedy” where an idiot switches a donor’s sperm for his own and gets his friend pregnant. I don’t remember the films name but Jennifer Aniston played the abused friend. As a plot, I’ve always found that a horrific idea. That’s not cute! Not romantic! It’s abusive and he should be dealt with by the justice system, not presented as lighthearted “fun”.
Anonymous
I do practice criminal law and I don’t really see it fitting traditional battery statutes which are aimed at the “touching” itself. It seems more like some kind of fraud to me.
Senior Attorney
I think it’s fairly well settled that spitting on someone is a battery, so I feel like an unconsented application of sperm should be a battery by that logic, as well.
Anonymous
That’s horrifying, how is that not s*xual assault? Was he not prosecuted?
Anon
No he wasn’t for that! The prosecutor said there was no law that touched it. Eventually he came up on charges re his representations to the state, but nothing re the victims.
Interesting on the battery question. I was thinking of the unlawful touching as done through his bodily fluid. The women obviously consented to the insemination procedure, but not with his sperm. It still seems like that would be an unlawful attack with unwanted bodily fluid. Again, not a criminal attorney, so I appreciate the differing thoughts.
Anononon
It’s been a looooong time since law school, but aren’t there cases about STDs gotten from partners who didn’t disclose with holdings like “consenting to s*x is not the same as consenting to receiving an STD”? Seems like that should apply here. I feel like that was in the battery section of torts, but maybe I am misremembering.
Anonymous
If you or anyone you are close with has had a significant surgery, are there things you did in advance/lifestyle changes that you think helped you in recovering after the surgery? I’ll take any/all suggestions.
Looks like I’m looking at cardiac surgery in the medium term for a problem I’ve had forever that needs to be repaired. It’s far enough away hopefully that I can work on getting my body in optimal condition going in. I am permitted to do any kind of exercise now though obviously can’t go running marathons/doing hard hikes. Part of me thinks core strength and or building some muscle would be useful. Yet IDK why I think that except that I’ve heard over the years that relatives ages 60-80 who had surgeries to the torso could not sit up on their own and had to be lifted up; obviously that is because of the incision but some part of me thinks having better core/muscle strength going in could help.
I’d obviously discuss this with the cardiologist and the surgeon who is still TBD. Though while I fully trust my cardiologist and others I’ve seen in a large university practice, I feel like they tend to lean towards – oh you don’t need to do x, we only recommend that for frail 80 year olds. Yet when I look at others my age (40) including on this board, I clearly don’t have the same level of strength as people who go do soul cycle or whatever for an hour each day.
Anon
some ideas, tailor to suit your needs
adjustable beds, assisted lift for toilet and assisted lift chair. hha for a period of recovery, visiting OT/ PT, gownies from Amazon so you have something easy to wear for a few weeks and don’t need to wear used hospital gowns.
The Lone Ranger
I would look at yoga, core conditioning, and some light weight workouts, as well as trying to improve my general stamina. I have a chronic pulmonary illness that leads to cardiac issues in its advanced stages. I walk and do yoga, with my doc’s full approval of course, and it’s amazing how just those two things have improved my overall conditioning.
Formerly Lilly
I’ve had three major surgeries and this is my takeaway: Several weeks’ worth of super healthy meals in the freezer. Then just add fresh fruit and salads. I did this for one knee replacement and was not able to for the second one or the lung surgery. I healed noticeably better and quicker after the first knee replacement.
And though it’s not a preparation thing, I would add that after surgery follow the doctors instructions for activity as near to perfectly as you possibly can, plus sleep as much as you want to. Doctors orders + good nutrition + plenty of sleep = better healing.
Anonymous
My husband and I had unrelated surgeries last year. It’s good going in to understand what limitations will be coming out. I could not lift my dominant arm or really use it at all the first week, so if living alone would need things lowered for the first week. And my exercise restrictions were minimal. My husband was limited on exercise for 8 weeks after. He worked out as much as he could going in, with the theory that being the fittest he could be would help with feeling okay later. I think that helped a lot with his recovery.
Anon
Are you having actual open-heart surgery or will you be doing something like a cardiac ablation, or a valve repair where they can go in through the arteries without cutting you open?
I have had an attempted cardiac ablation and had a family member who needed a valve repair. I also had a relative who had open-heart surgery. Recovery can be pretty different depending on what you’re having done; “cardiac surgery” involves a lot of different things and some things are obviously much more serious (and involve more serious recovery time) than others.
Anonymous
OP here – valve repair. They will try to go minimally invasive with three tiny incisions BUT due to how my rib cage/chest wall is I don’t yet have full confirmation they can do that – in which case it turns into a traditional open heart situation which is a much worse recovery. I am trying to prep for the worse eventuality even though I of course want it to be minimally invasive.
Anon
Gotcha. For what it’s worth, they told my relative the same thing – they weren’t sure if they could do what they needed to do using minimally-invasive techniques – but in the end, they were able to do that. She took two weeks off of work and the first three days she was kind of sore and still groggy from the anesthesia, so she just napped most of the time. Then slowly worked back up to normal pace for work, home life, exercise, etc. It took her about six weeks (she went back to work on a modified schedule after her two weeks of leave). She had some tiredness that was out-of-the-ordinary for her in the first month or so but it dissipated as her heart got used to functioning properly, which it hadn’t been due to the valve problem.
Things that were helpful for her: prepared meals, especially in that first week. Being able to bathe on the ground floor of her house (they didn’t want her climbing stairs for a few days). Having a nice TV and a comfy reclining couch. She got a lot of books from the library and kept them close to her and also signed up for extra streaming services for a month or so. Her valve repair was a “complete success” and she is living her best life now.
For my relative that had open-heart surgery, the recovery was a lot but he was in pretty poor health prior to the surgery. He ended up going to a rehab hospital for a little while, then home. One of the best things for him was having in-home PT to get him up and moving around and working on getting his strength back. I am not sure if you’d need that level of intervention. If you have the means and you don’t have family who can help you out when you get home, think about hiring a private nurse who could help out with your activities of daily life for a few days after the surgery, at least. Just having prepped meals in the freezer may not be enough support if you end up going through a really major surgery.
anon
I posted a while ago about my dad having cardiac surgery (he’s 77). He was always in good shape form a consistent exercise and diet/other lifestyle factors perspective and I do think that helped in terms of prognosis and recovery. By the time he came home he was more or less self sufficient in terms of basic moving around and taking care of bare necessities. For the first day or so I brought him stuff from upstairs when he needed it and brought him food, but I’d say within 36 hours or so he was (slowly) going up and down stairs, cooking stuff for himself etc. It honestly didn’t seem like the most pleasant experience, but definitely wasn’t that bad and he didn’t need much after coming home from the hospital. In retrospect having meals prepped would have been a good idea and setting up a place for him to sleep that was on the same floor as kitchen, bathroom etc. He ended up pretty mobile quickly anyway so it was fine.
I’d probably trust your doctors on this one. My dad has always been really into strenuous exercise and stuff (although the heart stuff has diminished that significantly over the last 2 years) but the dude is like 80 so I’d assume that even without hourly soul cycle sessions you’d at a baseline have a much easier time.
Good luck! It was an exhausting and stressful experience for me, so I imagine it’s moreso for the patient! but things are much better on the other side for both of us.
Senior Attorney
I haven’t had cardiac surgery, but I’ve had a c-section and I am here to tell you that it doesn’t matter how good a condition your abs are if they slice ’em open!
That said, it certainly can’t hurt to get in the best general shape you reasonably can before surgery.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and my mom had a c-section, too, many many MANY years ago, and she always told me the most important thing was to be up and walking as soon as possible. I followed that advice and I think it helped, and I think it would help after almost any surgery. So there’s that. And pro tip: bend your knee and grab it to help get yourself into a sitting position without using your abs.
Anonymous
I wished I’d hired a nurse for the first couple of days. My husband had to help me to things that he should not have had to do. He was a star and never complained but in hindsight I wish he hadn’t had to.
Anonymous
If you’re still reading by the time this posts – what type of nurse would you hire for that though? Like what is it that you’d be looking to hire to have someone around 24-7 for the first day or two at home – who do you call for that? When you left the hospital were you “functional” in that you could get to the bathroom yourself yet when you got home it turned out you needed his help to do stuff there?
A much older relative had open heart surgery recently (age 80+ and traditional open heart thru the chest) and one of the conditions of him leaving the hospital was him being able to walk continuously for 15 min and walk himself to the bathroom and go; but yeah he did have to have his son help him shower for at least the first week at home.
Anon
They’re called private duty nurses and you can hire them through an agency like Comfort Keepers, or you might be able to find one on Care dot com (very carefully vet anyone you locate through that website).
Anon
first post above mentioned hha home health aide. they can cook clean toilet assist and help error Evelyn but dispensing medicine.
Which one?
I have a super low stakes and frivolous question. I want to get this bag after seeing someone on line for coffee with it (looks great in person) & i can’t decide between “stone” and “blood orange.” Looking to wear it now in warm weather but wouldn’t mind if it would work year round. I feel orange can be a bit loud but also surprisingly neutral?
https://www.cuyana.com/half-moon-shoulder-bag/10010329.html?dwvar_10010329_color=stone
Anon
I think the stone is sooo gorgeous.
Anon
Blood orange!
Anon
orange is the best neutral!
Anon
I love the orange too, and I tend to default to pops of red and orange, but also in my shoe choices. Then it looks weird together. So OP, if your shoes are generally neutral, get the orange, but if you have a red shoe problem like I do, the stone.
Anon
Good advice, as someone who loves red shoes and was also considering an orange bag, thank you!
Anon
Another vote for blood orange. What a gorgeous color.
Anon
I like the orange!
Cat
I think the orange is beautiful and striking! Would look fab with a lot of colors – navy, gray, white, denim, khaki (like a trench coat)…
Anon
Agree! The orange is beautiful, the stone is sort of blah to me
Anonymous
+1
KP
Stone. This color really lets the minimal style take center stage.
Anokha
And now I am looking at the Cuyana site! I love the leather zippered tote — but want something 30% smaller. Any suggestions?
pugsnbourbon
I default to neutrals and I still think you should get the blood orange. What a great color.
Anon
I’m team stone, and also – thanks for posting this – was looking for a neutral/no logo light grey/beige crossbody for some upcoming travel!
Anon
I love the orange
Senior Attorney
I have a bag in a color quite similar to the blood orange and I have gotten a ton of use out of it, so blood orange gets my vote!
Anonymous
I would go with blood orange. The shape + the stone color = frumpy old lady shoulder bag from the ’80s. The blood orange is edgy enough to make it look current.
Coach Laura
I just got the small backpack in stone and I’m in love. It does seem to be getting a bit darker but I prefer that over any saddle- or orange-colored versions.
Anon
orange and red are fine so are orange and pink.
A
Stone. Just so elegant
Hostess q
Trying to think of what might be a good hostess gift for a friend who is letting my partner and I stay at their place while they are away over memorial day weekend. Any suggestions?
Anon
Wine, chocolate, any kind of fancy food product like oils or something if they like to cook.
AIMS
Food is good! Super specific but the best one I ever got was a home cooked meal ready to be reheated in my fridge when we let a family friend stay in our apartment for a week while we were away in Europe. It was so nice to come home to something wholesome and good to eat!
Anon
Gift card to their favorite local restaurant and bottle of wine and flowers when they return.
anon
I like to take a specialty food or beverage that’s specific to where I live.
Senior Attorney
+1
Wilmington, NC?
Does anyone live in Wilmington, NC and care to share how you like it (or don’t!)? My family is considering a move there and wondering about neighborhoods and schools (I have elementary and middle school students), and the culture overall. Housing seems to be more affordable than what has been going on around the rest of the country, but I wonder if that’s for a reason I’m missing! Thanks for any info you can provide!
Anon
Hurricane risk. I’d look into insurance rates and flood zones, keeping in mind that those are mostly out of date and actual risk is higher and increasing. Don’t be like those people who bought houses on the Outer Banks only to have the house and most of the land wash away before they even spent a night there (Wilmington geology is different, but rising sea levels and increasing storm risk still apply).
Anonymous
I don’t live in Wilmington, but I’m in NC. My general sense is their crime rate is a little on the high side, so you might want to look at that. Plus there’s the hurricane risk.
anon
I’m worried about my sister. After many years of couples therapy and trying to make her marriage work, she told BIL a few weeks ago that she wants a divorce. This should NOT be a surprise to him, as they have discussed this before and have separated at least once (living in same home). But now that it’s really happening and she says she’s done … he won’t leave and refuses to cooperate. He’s simultaneously guilt-tripping her for being a “quitter” (barf) and trying to woo her back, making promises that he’ll try harder and that he doesn’t want this. She’s holding strong and not giving in, but what are you supposed to do with a spouse that won’t cooperate when you tell them it’s over? They have 3 young kids, so this is already super messy. She has suggested that for a temporary solution, let the kids stay in the house and she and the soon-to-be-ex rotate between the family home and an apartment, depending on who is with the kids. Their current home was purchased from our grandpa, so sister has a vested interest in staying in the house. I keep telling her to find a lawyer, but she’s set on mediation. I don’t know how you mediate with someone who wants to drag this out and not cooperate. Any advice I can give her from this lawyerly bunch? Or just stay out of it and be a listening ear? I’m completely out of my depth here.
Anon
It might be different in different states, but where I am, you can have a lawyer at mediation.
She really really really needs specialized advice about what to do with regard to who stays in the house when because in some states, moving out can alter one’s claim to the house.
It also seems to me like it would be better for everyone’s sanity if the soon-to-be-exes are able to get their lawyers to fight about custody schedules, child support, etc., and she’ll be able to be sure she’s getting what she’s legally entitled to.
I know you can’t force her to use a lawyer, but those are just a couple of ideas for how to present it to her.
No Face
I would tell her that she needs advice from a knowledgeable person about all kinds of issues, and that she and her former husband may accidentally mess something up by staying in the dark. She needs to know how to keep the house, deal with finances for their kids, and probably many issues that she isn’t even thinking of because she’s never done it before.
Anonymous
She needs a lawyer. Nothing else to say.
Senior Attorney
Yes, and in hindsight she needed to consult the lawyer before she dropped the bomb on her husband.
Anon
Rotating thru a house and an apt sounds horrible. And there is no guarantee he will relinquish the house when it’s her turn to be living there. I hope she realizes that, gets a lawyer and changes the locks when he’s out if need be. However, It sounds like she’s in for the school of hard knocks regarding how much you need a decent lawyer when going thru a contentious divorce so you may have to just prepare to listen, and say on repeat, get a lawyer, his actions tell you who his is, not his words.
Sounds like things are going to be ugly for a while. Take good care of yourself so you have the patience to listen to her.
If you are close by and have the time plan some fun activities to take your nieces and nephews out and away from this situation. Even some aunt time once a month may be fun for them (and you)!
anon
All good advice. I can definitely plan things with the kids; my sister has specifically asked for that, to keep things as normal as possible.
And I believe this is going to be an ugly divorce and keep telling her to get someone involved (have been saying that long before she dropped the bomb). I don’t think my BIL is a horrible person, but he hasn’t been a great spouse and whether he means to or not, he’s already making it more difficult than it should be. I’ve been surprised by how much this whole situation has taken a toll on me, though I don’t feel like I can say it out loud.
anon
If he doesn’t want to get divorced, he’s not obligated to facilitate her desire to get a divorce. He shouldn’t be a jerk but it’s not unreasonable for him to refuse to move out or to try to persuade her to give things another shot. It may seem obvious to you and to your sister that things are over, but honestly it is really, really common for one party to believe the marriage could still be saved and to try to talk the other party out of it. I did it in my first marriage, my now-husband’s ex did it in his first marriage…I think it’s actually rarer for both parties to mutually agree that things are over and cooperate in the dissolution.
anon
Changing the locks when her husband is out is a very bad idea. She doesn’t have the right to do that and he would be entitled to go get an injunction over it, which could result in her being the one who is ordered to leave. He can agree to leave the marital home but she can’t force him to, and he’s not wrong to refuse to do so particularly given that she’s the one who has asked for the divorce. They both need lawyers.
anon
Where did I say that she changed the locks or was considering it?!
Anon
The poster this was in response to suggested it!
I think that just highlights the need for a lawyer because there are so many misconceptions about what can and cannot be done legally and the implications.
Anon
She should absolutely NOT change the locks without talking to an attorney. While the current house may have been purchased from her grandfather, if it was purchased with community funds and/or is held in both of their names, he has as much right to be there as she does (and he might have tenant rights regardless). The idea that a woman can stay in the house with the children and force her husband to move out is just not correct.
This is really hard and she has my sympathies but she needs an attorney. Mediation without counsel is for people who both want a divorce and just need help ironing out the details. And she needs to recognize that she does not get to unilaterally dictate terms. He can make this difficult and she needs an attorney to counter that.
Anon
Hire. An. Attorney.
That’s the advice. There are huge legal ramifications to this house issue – she’s emotionally invested in it – and he’s not cooperating.
Shot in the dark: 80% chance HE already has an attorney.
Senior Attorney
Oh, that’s a great point.
Also, OP, my husband is a divorce attorney and he spends a huge amount of his time cleaning up messes made by people who thought they could do it without a lawyer. And they often end up paying him far more than they would have if they’d hired him at the outset.
Anonymous
Coming 8n late here to say that hiring an attorney to advise her does not necessarily mean making the process adversarial. It can actually smooth things when the parties are not operating in the dark. You can both get legal advice and resolve issues in mediation. But it does sound like your sister needs to understand how to effectuate the terms she is/they are looking for rather than hoping for the best without real guidance.
Anon
I have recently acquired ginormous boobs (34H) due to having a baby. Does anyone have any casual outfit suggestion for me? Anything you’ve bought recently that you like? I have some tshirts and leggings but I’m drawing a blank actual cute outfits. Shirts seem to be wide and cropped these days, so the opposite shape of what I need. I know the attributes to look for in dresses (wrap top, buttons) but am having trouble finding them at stores.
No Face
Wearing my 34H nursing bra today, even though my youngest is a toddler.
Are you near a mall or a large, nice thrift store? The best thing to do is grab a truckload of tops in person and try them on. I can’t eyeball a top and tell if my chest will fit or not, even though I’ve been this size for years now.
I am looking good in square neck and v neck tops lately.
Anonymous
For dresses try long tank top dresses. Seriously.
When you put on a dress that’s basically a long tube, over a body that starts with 34H at the top, the tube flows beautifully on the rest of the body. You can wear a belt if you want, but not necessarily.
The trick is to get a dress in the right material. You want a thin jersey (non-woven) fabric with a little stretch in a fabric like viscose or merino. But NOT a ribbed material, it has to be smooth and flowing, ribbed fabrics cling and bulk instead of flow.
If there are sleeves, try to roll them up a little, don’t let them hit mid bust. This t-shirt dress would be great, and fit totally different on you:
https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1053022004.html
HM also does have wrap dresses, if you want that (and more nursing friendly, if that’s an issue):
https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1062747006.html
Panda Bear
I like fit and flare style dresses with v-necks or deep scoop necks. In a casual fabric like cotton knit or linen, and worn with sneakers or sandals, they are great summer outfits that look cute but aren’t too fussy. Lands End often has good options.
Anon
Anyone else have this problem where the cleaning folks you hire are great initially and then just get worse and worse?
I don’t have super high standards (mother to a toddler and infant so my house is always chaotic) but I think having to ask the cleaners to take off their shoes or wear shoe covers is kind of pushing it in terms of what I need to be coaching them on. We’ve already gone through multiple companies and each one is a mess. Some don’t show up at all for scheduled sessions. Is it just hard to find ppl who do good work nowadays?
Anon
I have never asked my cleaners to remove shoes or wear shoe covers. Presumably if they have any dirt on their shoes, they’re cleaning it up as they go along. I would never expect someone to go barefoot or in socks around cleaning chemicals, and then they might need to walk over potentially wet floors which is gross and seems less safe than doing so in shoes.
But aside from that, I think it’s always reasonable to ask the cleaners to make sure they dust the shelf in the living room more thoroughly next time or whatever the complaint is. Or if they’re leaving dirt from their shoes, ask them to clean that up.
Also worth considering whether you’re paying fairly if you’re having trouble getting people to even show up.
AIMS
I would never want anyone cleaning in shoes they wear outside! You can bring a change of shoes if you don’t want to be in socks (this is what the service we use does).
OP
The cleaning company with problems showing up was the most expensive in town. I always tip 20% in cash directly to the team that comes. So I don’t think it’s a price issue.
I’m curious what others think about no shoes or shoe covers because all my cleaning services have removed shoes or put on shoe covers without being asked.
Anon
Hmmm… maybe the shoe thing is regional. No one I know has ever insisted on that, and I’ve never had any individual or cleaning service remove or change their shoes at my house.
Anon 2.0
Agreed. I would not expect a house cleaner to remove their shoes or wear shoes covers (which seems like a slipping hazard to me). In fact, I would never ask anyone coming into my home, worker or friend, to remove their shoes. (Just for the record, I would however always remove my shoes if asked at someone else’s home and would not make a fuss about it.)
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I think this is regional. It’s definitely not a thing around here.
Anon
Just as a data point, I have never asked my cleaners to remove their shoes or put on covers, nor have any of my cleaners ever done so. And yet somehow my house is still clean!
anon
I also have never asked my cleaners to remove their shoes and I am a pretty strict no outdoor shoes inside person. They clean back to front and clean where they have walked literally until the point they walk back out my front door. I don’t know anyone in my area who asks their cleaners to remove shoes. Central PA FWIW
Anon
I worked at a housecleaning service in the Midwest in the 80s. We never took off or covered our shoes.
Anon
Get an individual not a service and treat the person well. Zero issues.
Anon
I feel like being able to find an individual person who’s really good and responsible takes a lot of luck. But, we got lucky and found someone (it’s actually two people; they’re sisters who have been doing this for a long time) and we’ve had the same team for 16 years now. I pay them more than what services charge and I give them annual increases without them having to ask for it, which I think goes a long way toward keeping them happy. I found my cleaning team through a referral – a friend’s mom had these two ladies clean for her for years and I was just lucky enough to inquire when they had an opening in their schedule. We’ve kept that same slot for 16 years.
Anon
+1. And yes, my individual and her team do take off their shoes, but I’ve never asked them to.
Anonymous
I mean I think it’s insane to just assume cleaners are going to know to take their shoes off or wear shoe covers. If that’s your expectation, simply ask them.
anon
I had this problem with my house cleaners back in 2015-2016. For a while, they did an amazing job. They’d be at the apartment for half a day and would leave it spotless. Toward the end, they had less to do overall because our nanny did light housework while the baby napped, they cut the time they were there, and they left stuff dirty. We were paying $160 for a weekly cleaning of a 1100 square foot apartment in a MCOL area, and the house wasn’t even clean. Eventually, we asked them to move to cleaning every 2 weeks, thinking we’d save some money, and they asked for $320 per cleaning if they were going to come half as often. So, we told them it wasn’t working out.
We recommended them to several of our friends and family members while they were good. The cleaners quit working for all of them over time. From what I understand, they shifted their business model to a different geographic area and more toward assisting elderly or disabled people with light housework.
anon
I’ve had excellent luck with a worker-owned cleaning co-op. It combines many of the advantages of a service and an individual for both the customer and the cleaners. It can be a bit more expensive than other services, but the workers get the profit and get to set policies for their co-op that they believe to be fair for all of them. The work is very high quality, and when there’s the rare issue, they do a good job addressing it.
Anon
Find independent cleaners on fb marketplace. We use a sister team who actually knows how to clean rather than a service who seemed to hire anyone.
Anon
And I mean local groups, not marketplace. They all advertise there.
Anon
Frivolous question of the day. I’m inappropriately interested in the UFO hearings and papers. This group often knows things that I don’t know. Do we think we’re alone here??
Anon
As a scientist with research related to astrobiology, I find it reasonably likely that there is or has been life elsewhere in the universe. I find it very, very, very, very, very, very unlikely that it’s the kind of life that would build flying saucers and do drivebys of Earth, flashing lights in mysterious ways, and then leaving, without any other evidence they were here. I could certainly be convinced if there was solid evidence otherwise, but I don’t pay attention to UFO sightings. There are always tons of other possible explanations for seeing weird things in the sky.
Anon
Not a scientist at all, but this is what I think. Highly likely there is life out there. Highly unlikely they would come here and flirt with us mysteriously with no tangible proof of it.
Senior Attorney
Same.
And if they are flying by, I suspect they lock their doors and speed up as they pass…
Anon
LOL.
Anon
I think if there is “life” elsewhere, it does not look like “life” as we know it here and is probably not interested enough in us to come over here to bother us. I imagine it is more similar to fungal and tree networks than… little green men. But perhaps this is utopian of me.
I think there’s a lot of atmospheric, visual, and solar phenomena that we just don’t understand yet, which account for a lot of the unexplained sightings.
Anon
Odds are good we are not the only life forms in the universe.
I also think we are a destructive and invasive species
Anon
I don’t think UFOs are extraterrestrial… but I think extraterrestrial life is very likely.
Sometimes I think about the degree to which we would flip out if we found so much as a squirrel on another planet, and wonder if we aren’t flipping out enough about things like squirrels here (other life forms! that we can interact with and communicate with! this is wild).
If this is a topic of interest, the novel Blindsight is a great read (a first contact story written by I think a biologist, so the other forms of intelligent life encountered are not “a slight twist on what we already see on earth”).
Anon
Thank for the book rec. I’m the scientist posted above, and I also liked Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky, about a planet with intelligent life evolved from spiders, and Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir (I actually really disliked the early parts of this book that just involved humans setting up the plot, but the actual alien life scenario was pretty good hard scifi).
Anon
Thank you for the recommendations! I liked another Andy Weir book with similar qualifications, and did not finish another, so it helps to know I should get through the early part of this one.
Explorette
Project Hail Mary was so good!
I do think it would be very strange if beings with technology available to search out other life forms in the universe found us and then just flew by a few brief times. Imagine if we found life on another planet, we’d be sampling, exploring, etc. These sightings have been happening for decades and all they have ever done is a few quick fly bys? Unless they are among us and we don’t know it….:)
Anonymous
To quote Carl Sagan, “The universe is a pretty big place. If it’s just us, seems like an awful waste of space.” So do I think somewhere out there there is other intelligent life? Yes. Do I think they’ve visited Earth without solid proof and account for UFO sightings? No. (I mean, unless they’re all operating under the Prime Directive, I suppose.)
anon
Unrelated, but I am really enjoying this aspect of Roswell, New Mexico.
Anon
Hi friends, I just found out that our sweet, kind next-door neighbor, who was in terminal liver failure, passed away a couple of days ago. We have a very friendly but not close relationship with his wife, stepson and grandson who live in the home. I would like to do something for them but I am flummoxed as to what. The grandson is 7 and spent a lot of time with his grandpa but I am not sure how or if to do anything especially for the kiddo to acknowledge the loss? I was thinking about taking his wife a bottle of wine (I know she drinks wine as we’ve had a glass together every so often on her patio or mine). But I am wondering if a whole-family gift of some kind might be more appropriate. Restaurant gift certificate? Cookies? I feel like it was so much easier when people would just make casseroles and you accepted them whether or not you were going to eat it. Advice welcome.
Anon
I’d give her a restaurant certificate with wine and a nice sympathy card. The kid will benefit from his grandmother being able to order dinner instead of cooking.
Vicky Austin
I don’t think you can go wrong with any of your suggestions and I would pick whichever combination feels best.
Senior Attorney
When my mom died, some friends brought a whole dinner to our door — lasagna, salad, dessert of some kind, bottle of wine. It was so helpful and kind because I had family visiting but the last thing I wanted to do was think about cooking or shopping or somehow putting dinner together.
NYNY
When my mom died neighbors brought cookies, fruit or veggie trays, cheese plates, sandwich platters, and a gift card to a local pizza place. All were lovely gestures, and all were used. Having snacky things around while you’re mourning is welcome, both because people may come by at odd times and because you may not have it together to plan/make meals. A few friends brought meals, but called to clear them first.
Anon
Frozen meals, especially professionally prepared ones.
Anon
Wine seems too celebratory for a death, but that might be cultural. I think bringing a casserole is lovely especially if you ask in advance “I’d love to make you dinner, which evening is best for you, do you have any food preferences or allergies?” I also think a handwritten note or even an email with your memories and recollections of the deceased would be appreciated, or any photos you may have.
Anon
Bringing food to a grieving family is a long standing tradition. Casseroles (like lasagna, enchiladas, baked ziti, etc) are popular because they can be refrigerated and held if the family has other things to eat the moment the food arrives.
I know there’s a whole southern tradition around this and there are even “funeral” dishes – maybe those are brought to the actual funeral. My aunt had an ambrosia salad that she called a funeral salad. Didn’t make it particularly appetizing!
Another anon
Recently a man in my parents’ neighborhood died after being ill with cancer for some time. The neighbors took up a collection that was used to buy some house cleaning services for the widow, and that was very well received.
DallasAnon
I’m from small town Texas but people here definitely still do casseroles. Actually, they arrange meal trains so the grieving family doesn’t cook for weeks because Neighbor 1 cooks a meal for Tuesday, Neighbor 2 cooks a meal for Wednesday, Friend 1 brings over a rotisserie and a bunch of homecooked sides for Thursday, Neighbor 3 brings pizza for Friday and so on.
loss
Food. Ready to eat. Costco chicken pot pie is a favorite and I pick up one of their prepared salads too. Stick it in the oven, feeds everyone.
Books/toys for the grandson. People tend to forget about the young children. When my friend’s father died, I got presents for her 6 year old son, and his grandmother was very touched. Children are confused/lonely/overlooked a bit during times of grief.
Anon
Has anyone visited Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s grave at Arlington National Cemetery? I’m visiting later this week. I’ve researched visitor information on their website, but just wondering if anyone has anything to share based on experience.
FormerlyPhilly
Best frittata fillings?
Here’s my draft menu for outdoor brunch I’m hosting this coming weekend. What am I missing? Substitutes?
Frittata
Banana chocolate chip baked oatmeal
Berries (strawberries, raspberries)
Croissants and rolls from bakery in my neighborhood
Blueberry crumb coffee cake
Orange juice
Cold brew coffee
FormerlyPhilly
And turkey sausage and bacon.
Diana Barry
I would have another protein – bacon or sausages or something, or if you are veggie then just more eggs, but savory.
Nesprin
Bacon or sausage?
Water+/- sparkling water?
Some sort of mimosa/booze?
Some sort of savory baked thing?
A bigger pile of fruit- melon etc since berries go FAST?
Yogurt/parfait?
Something vegan/gluten free if your guests would need?
Butter/Jam/Spreads for the rolls?
AIMS
I don’t think you’re missing anything but you could have some yogurt on hand. I would want hot coffee personally and maybe some sparkling wine to make mimosas but of course alcohol is not a must for everyone.
I think asparagus + your favorite cheese is delicious in frittata. Or you could do a kind of mushroom and swiss. Or tomatoes/basil/mozzarella. Spinach also works, with or without mushrooms. Or if you could add potatoes for a tortilla espanola type thing.
Anonymous
More protein.
Anon
Definitely some kind of savoury baked dish with protein.
Anon
I like asparagus in quiches in the spring. It’s pretty and seasonal and tastes good.
Anan
Maybe a hash brown casserole. I agree it feels like there should be one more savory item.
I like veggie heavy frittatas- mushroom, broccoli and potatoes.
Anon
Everything in the menu is sweet (maybe except frittata).
I would skip some/substitute with savory stuff.
Anon
My boss has mentioned to me that she’s going through a very hard time personally and professionally. I’ve also noticed that she has been more prickly with me, including some unprofessional comments (e.g. “You hurt my feelings” when she didn’t like my word choice in a meeting) and some that are professionally fine but annoying/nit-picky (moreso than her usual). I try to keep it light and apologize when needed (e.g. she was upset that I was moving forward with scheduling a meeting about a workstream she manages without checking-in w her – I apologized, and it was before I sent any meeting invite, apologized about my word choice, etc).
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I’d like to have a clear-the-air conversation to better understand what I can do to improve but I also want to protect myself if needed.
Anon
I’m about to go through a personal bankruptcy. I have my first meeting with the attorney on Thursday; she has reviewed my paperwork and we spoke briefly on the phone this morning. I’m a wreck over this…welcoming any good vibes or anything else you’d like to share.
Seventh Sister
The bankruptcy system is here to help the honest but unfortunate debtor (which is YOU). SO many people have gone through bankruptcy – famous people who went on to do great things, and lots of people you probably know in real life that never mentioned it because we have so much shame about money in our culture. My former Episcopal priest, a dear friend’s father, one of my husband’s oldest friends, my high school boyfriend’s family company, they all filed at one time or another. You aren’t alone and it’s going to be OK.
Anonymous
You’re taking a step to get on track! Hood for you!
Anon
Rooting for you. There is a long, long history of people being able to clear their debts after a time, and the eras when we haven’t allowed people to do that were gruesome.
Most people in ch. 13 fail. An acquaintance of mine successfully did a five year ch. 13, and she said that coming out of it she had very different habits than when she went into it. The reasons were just “unfortunate circumstances and things kept cascading,” and that’s why bankruptcy exists. She made smart decisions about sending her kid to an inexpensive college on a scholarship and not taking on gobs of debt.
Anonymous
Love Amour Vert. Really good quality silk, so worth the price.
Anon
I thought today’s pick would be good for the commenter who was looking for things to wear for outdoor coffee meetings.
anon
This is article is for all the commenters who said people were overreacting, catastrophizing, or otherwise being overly alarmist or concerned earlier this month.
https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2022/05/roe-opponents-gaslighting-national-abortion-ban.html
Anon
I get my second Nexplanon implant on Thursday, primarily because it will stay in my body for at least 3 years. Not messing around with BC during this time.
Anonymous
My copper IUD is due to be replaced next year. I told my husband last week I’m moving that up and getting it done this summer before November’s elections in case Republicans wind up with full control of the state government again and get ideas (we currently have a republican legislature and democratic governor).
Anon
Do you know if your insurance is going to cover the replacement when it’s not yet due to be replaced? That’s my one concern
Cornellian
I’m not sure about that. Rack rate IUDs are expensive but not as expensive as pregnancies/abortions/etc. I looked in to for a friend and her mirena was like 750, I believe. Not sure about copper. Planned parenthood may have lower fee arrangements.
Seventh Sister
I had to buy at least one copper IUD with my HSA, and it was a few hundred dollars. An awful lot less $ than a kid!
anon
Hi, for those looking for baby formula or able to donate spare formula, there is a great s!te to exchange: https://freeformula.exchange
I am sending out my spare formula later today.
Cornellian
Thanks! I don’t have any, but a good resource to know about. I hate this dystopia.