Coffee Break: T Satchel

This green satchel with an attached scarf from Tory Burch looks ladylike and festive — just a really sleek and sophisticated satchel. If you like the green they’ve also got a similar tote; Nordstrom and Amazon have the pictured satchel but not in green. It’s $495. T Satchel

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  1. I need some ethical-ish help with a promotion that may be in line for me. After working for my company in the same position for ~5 years, there may be a position available for me in the next 2-3 months that would require an overseas move to our central location (which both DH and I are on board for, if everything else works out well). If the position does become available, it will be offered to me first before it’s open as a requisition – I meet very specific criteria that would make me an ideal candidate.

    However, I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant with our second, and we would be moving to a country with a lot more maternity leave. I haven’t told anyone at work I’m pregnant. When do I tell them I’m pregnant? Before the offer? After? After accepting seems… not ideal, and showing up with an unannounced bump also seems rude.

    I don’t want the illusion of looking like I’m moving to take advantage of better leave. What’s the right thing to do here?

    • I would tell them at the same time you told them with the first one. I really don’t think people are going to think you’re applying for an overseas move to take advantage of maternity leave policies.

    • What?! There’s nothing unethical about that at all. You’re not taking advantage of anybody by either having a baby or getting a promotion.

      • I so AGREE. There is NOTHING UNETHICAL about becoming pregenant. I would LOVE to get pregenant and take a LEAVE of absence from work for 1 year (with PAY)! Our MATERNITY benefits are great b/c I am the ONLEY person (other then our secretary, Lynn) that is within childbearing age. The men are jelous of our maternity benefits, but WE are the ones who actualy have to carry a child for 9 months, and I intend to come back to work after 1 year, unless my husband has a great job makeing high 6 figures or more. But so far, no such man has stepped forward to MARRY me. FOOEY!!!

    • Anonymous :

      Tell when you would normally tell otherwise. It sounds like you’re a great candidate and if it’s a place with longer maternity leave, they are used to people going on leave and dealing with it. Not sure which location, but lots of places in Europe also have an entitlement for parents to work part-time so that might be something you’d like to avail of. If Canada, keep in mind that your leave may not be fully paid depending on how many weeks you pay in for and whether your employer tops up to full salary.

      • Anonymous :

        It’s Europe, and I have been googling a little bit about maternity leave in the specific country – they do offer part time (providing the company is a specific size, and mine is). I’m not sure what I would be eligible for, given that I would be newly in the country and would rely on a lawyer’s input to navigate the leave and other requirements for this country prior to accepting.

        It’s a good point that everyone there is used to it – if someone had transferred here to the US and wanted their 12 weeks of FMLA, I wouldn’t bat an eye.

        • Anonymous :

          Post back if you get it – my husband is from an EU country with great part time options and I’m familiar with a few of the alternate work schedules that have been accepted by some companies his friends wives work for (and yes, unfortunately, it’s generally the women taking advantage of the part time option).

        • I don’t know which European country do you have in mind, but maternity leave may not be fully payed. And I agree, the European company is prepared to deal with the longer maternity leave.

        • I would not think you are willing to move with your husband to Europe just to benefit from a longer maternity leave. I would also keep the pregnancy to myself as long as possible to make sure you will get the promotion and relocation support. Once you are signed, the company will be more accommodating to meeting you half-way.
          Also, please, double and triple check whether you will be truly available for maternity leave/support if you have worked in the new country for a limited time only. In some countries, this is an issue, in some, you are covered. In my EU country, you need to first have insurance for at least a few months to be eligible for maternity leave/financial support. But then, we not only have maternity leave, but also parental leave (up to 3 years!).
          Congratulations on baby and promotion, enjoy the move.

          • Thanks – we have an HR support system as inter-location moves are fairly common, but I’m not sure how trained they are at making those types of determinations (and whether or not it’s a social service VS an employer provided service – one would think that one would be required to pay into the social service via taxes prior to getting anything out)…. I think it’s probably something to worry about after being offered the position – as in, then I can inquire within the company and not have to rely on google/outside resources.

            Thank you.

    • Anonymous :

      I’d wait as long as you can, until after the promotion decision. You wouldn’t want a well-meaning superior to think that you wouldn’t be interested in a big move while pregnant or starting a family.

      If your relationship with the person in charge of the position allows it, you could also announce whenever you would normally and tell them explicitly that you’d still be interested if/when it comes available.

      Ditto others that I don’t think you need to worry at all about people thinking you engineered the promotion for maternity care. But FYI, a friend who was transferred to an EU country was not eligible for care under the national system, so don’t bank on it.

      • I am definitely concerned about qualifying for in-country maternity leave. If it’s not equal to what I would receive here, it probably wouldn’t make sense to take it. I’m not sure how many transfers-while-pregnant my company, which is male dominated, usually handles, so I can’t say if they have some form of protection policy in place. Unfortunately, it will probably have to wait until there’s some kind of offer on the table to make company internal inquiries.

  2. Dream Job Components? :

    As we often discuss, people have different concepts of what would make something a dream job. What’s on your list?

    My list:
    work from home/remotely
    set my own hours
    income of at least 45k (before taxes) (I’m single, late 30s, no kids)

    • Anonymous :

      Lots of money
      No work
      Private island

      Seriously though, a job where everybody is a grownup and recognizes that you don’t need to have your butt in a chair for 8 hours, if you get your work done at 2 then go home at 2. That’s the dream.

      • anonymous :

        I’ve never understood why that’s not the norm in places where work is managed that way… if you have x number of tasks per day and you work pretty independently, why not let those who figure out how to be most efficient go when the tasks are done? if the measurement of success for a job is x number of tasks per week, why care when they’re in the office as long as the tasks are done by week’s end?

        Also, anywhere with time clock punching of any sort… if you hire someone and trust them to do work unsupervised, shouldn’t you be able to trust them to show up and do their work? If not, isn’t the issue the lack of trust or lack of work production, not whether they showed up at 8 or 8:07?

    • Minimal commute (under 30 mins)
      Not-entirely-dysfunctional work group
      My work being somewhat valued
      Hours under 50 per week and with some degree of control re: travel/emergency demands on my time

      Married w/2 kids, 12 years of legal practice.

    • Work being valued and recognized
      No mandatory butt-in-seat time
      Challenging work (I’m in my second job in a row where I’m bored a lot of the time and I hate it)
      Good work-life balance
      At least a few weeks vacation time

      I realize I’m describing an unicorn of a job, but it would be so nice to have.

      • This description fits my job to a T. Plus I have the ability to work remotely within reason, am paid more than I ever expected to be, and absolutely love the members of my team most days. Some of these things didn’t materialize until I became a partner at my firm, but realizing that what I have is for some a “unicorn of a job” makes me so grateful.

    • Anonymous :

      Interesting work
      No constant deadlines/stress (occasionally is ok, but not constantly)
      Pleasant colleagues (don’t have to be close friends with them, but not screamers or people who are crazy passive-aggressive)
      No more than 45 hours/week expected on a regular basis
      People valuing me and my work
      Pay of at least ~50k
      Some travel
      Work remotely whenever I felt like

      It’s a pretty long list, but my current job is all of the things except the last one.

      • Anonymous :

        Just realized that this list sums up my current position including the last part about working remotely, which includes being able to get time off whenever I need it. Makes me feel so grateful.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Work where I feel like I’m making a difference on a micro or macro level
      No litigation
      Inspiring colleagues who believe in the work
      40-45 hours a week with enough sick time
      Pay of $50K
      Quality supervision and management

      My current job doesn’t hit all of these; it’s a good place to work, but certain things don’t make it my “dream” job. But I’m only expected to work 35 hours a week and my colleagues are, by and large, great. And I do feel like I’m making a difference most of the time. So, I’m okay.

    • I don’t necessarily believe in a dream job, but one thing I look for in every job is the ability to use my professional strengths regularly. On those days when I get to do the top two things I know I am really good at and known for, the time flies by and I feel satisfied at the end of the day. On the days when I have to do say admin work (only about 5% of the time currently), I get really frustrated.

      • (Me again.) Or when I’m waiting for clients to return feedback, I get frustrated and bored too.

      • That is a great idea, Anon at 3:47!

        I have had quite a long detour after graduating in 2008 without a job, unable to follow my original plan of nonprofit legal work because it’ was impossible to compete against the free labor of deferred associates, moving to a place I never had any intention of living, finding out that management actively hid transfer opportunities, and realizing that my weaknesses are the qualities considered very important in this job.

        After some research, I found a place to take an aptitude test. It’ll be great to get a more objective perspective to find my strengths, combine with my interests, and figure out where to go next.

    • Walkable commute.
      No facetime requirements – if some days I’m done in 5 hrs, I can leave; if some times I’m there for 14 hrs – so be it.
      Travel – a decent amount of it (like 1-2 trips/month) domestically though never more than 2-3 hr flight max.
      Client facing – but no significant biz gen pressure.
      Salary 250k+
      Me being the leader or 2nd in command with someone who respects/values my contribution.
      A team that really clicks and cares about each other’s professional development.
      4 weeks vacation – or unlimited – but at least 4 weeks.

      Kinda sounds like going back to biglaw IF I could make partner (ha!) and find a group that isn’t dysfunctional.

      • Legally Brunette :

        + 1 to walkable commute. I did that for 4 years, was in the best shape of my life, and loved getting some fresh air every day. I was also able to run back home in a pinch on those days when I forgot pumping parts….

    • I’ve given this a lot of thought lately, and decided that the job that comes closest (in my imagination) to checking all the boxes is to be the director of a zoo, aquarium or botanical garden:

      – Not trapped in an office all day long
      – Get to be involved with conservation work (mine would be a good zoo, not a depressing one)
      – Work with people who share a passion for the job and are likely not just doing it for a paycheck
      – Live in a major city but still have some connection to nature
      – Interact with lots of different people
      – Variety in the daily work
      – Feel connected to the local community
      – Be in a management position so I can have a team of people

      I have no real path to obtaining this job, so if there happens to be anyone on this board who actually has this job, please don’t chime in to tell me that it actually sucks. I have a miserable corporate job. This fantasy is all I have.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Look for these positions in Seattle!

      • I used to volunteer at a zoo and I think it was a pretty awesome place to work!

      • Anonymous :

        I’m in academic research and some jobs in academia are like this (but only in fields like environmental science) at least for Professors who have made tenure as well as senior research personel. The living in a major city part obviously doesn’t apply for small town colleges or universities.

    • Autonomy.
      Being a boss and a mentor.
      Wearing work clothes.
      Variety, and the ability to come up with creative solutions to hard problems.
      A co-worker or two who inspires me in some way.
      Short commute would be nice.
      Making people’s lives better in a tangible way would be ideal.
      Occasional evening and weekend work, provided there is no expectation of constant availability.
      Enough vacation time to go on adventures with my toddler and husband.

      I mostly have that now – more luck than anything.

    • I have my dream job now, essentially:

      Appellate attorney
      Lots of prestige and “wow, you must be really smart to have that job” comments
      Spend most days at my desk reading and writing, and go into court a few times a year to argue in front of some amazingly accomplished federal appellate judges
      9 – 5 mostly
      No meetings
      6 figure salary
      Wonderful and understanding boss whose intellect could intimidate me, but he’s so nice that it does not
      Get to wear my nice business casual clothes
      Lots of vacation (you accrue it very quickly in the federal gov’t) and people take full advantage of it

      The only things that could make it better would be a more social office, but appellate folks are introverted nerds so I’m an outlier here

      I feel so lucky to have this job.

      • I forgot to add one of the most important: deadlines are all known and scheduled far in advance and there are never any emergency fire drills. Coming from BigLaw, this has been such a breath of fresh air.

      • If you’re still reading and don’t mind me asking… are you an ausa or with an agency? D.C. or elsewhere? How did you get your job? I’m criminal appeals at a state AG and would like to move.

        • I’m with an agency in DC. USA Jobs. :) You can also check out the DOJ careers page for Civil Appellate openings, but those tend to be few and far between. But I think I saw a criminal appellate position up there in the last year.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      Quit being a lawyer
      Move to Hawaii
      Buy/rent out vacation condos with money I made from being a lawyer
      Maybe run a food truck more as a hobby and see if it takes off
      Surf/run/bike/swim/hike/generally be outside

  3. Letting People Go :

    Where is the line for you between when to keep trying with someone and when to let them go/cut them off?

    I feel like we so often discuss crummy friends or manipulative parents here, just wondering where you draw that line. Also, since many fear making the wrong choice, maybe we can share stories of people we’ve cut off and whether it was beneficial or detrimental?

    • Anonymous :

      Are they putting in as much effort as you are into the relationship (planning things, showing up for things, conversational burden)?

      If I was putting in more work than they are, I’d fade to their level of involvement. If their level of involvement is zero, then I let it go, unless/until they reach out.

      • +1

        When it starts to feel like you’re the only one reaching out and the other person can’t ever be bothered to make time for you, just stop reaching out. The challenge is not feeling resentful when this fade happens.

        I have one friend in particular I was really close to until a couple of years ago and then this shift happened where we saw each other less and less. Eventually it got to the point where I’d reach out every month or so and ask if she had time to get together, and she’d tell me absolutely! she’d love to get together! but she had to check her schedule! and just never get back to me. After about six months of this I quit asking and I haven’t heard from her in about 4 months. It’s hurtful to not hear from her, but less so than getting no response.

        • Yep – this. I’m still a little sad about it, but I haven’t seen her since October and haven’t heard from her since the beginning of December.

          The line for me, romantically, was a couple of things, but it was a huge pattern of disengagement until he didn’t show up for something that was important for me and didn’t respond to any of my texts or voicemail about it, even though I knew he had been using his phone.

    • anon for this :

      1st I had to cut out a distant parent who popped in and out on a whim; it hurt me every time and I never got good enough at not caring for it not to hurt, plus the pop ins only seemed to happen when it assuaged their guilt, which meant I was just being used for their benefit and my detriment. 20+ yrs out of my life, zero regrets.

      Then I had to cut the other parent out for having such jealousy about my career that they tried to tank my career by contacting my boss with lies to try to get me fired. It was horrific and really embarrassing. The career survived, the relationship did not. 10+ years out of my life, zero regrets.

      There have been a few friends I have had to cut out too, over my 40+ years. I have found that being used or seen as important only when needed but never acknowledged otherwise is a really awful friendship to have and not one worth my energy. My rule for myself is, if I think of someone and feel more relief that I haven’t talked with them in a week or a month, that’s a sign. For those where nothing is wrong exactly, I reach out twice, if I get nothing back, I give it a few months, then reach out to try once more. If someone can’t even be bothered to text a quick response in all that time, I just let things drift away. (I figure, since many people text from the commode, if you literally can’t give a sh!t for me, why should I chase you around?!) I love too hard to put into those who don’t care whether I am in their lives. I’d rather focus on those who do care.

      I struggle with the process of cutting someone out, of deciding to do it and deciding how to do it, and sometimes it takes me months or years but I have never regretted doing it, only that I didn’t do it sooner.

      • (I figure, since many people text from the commode, if you literally can’t give a sh!t for me, why should I chase you around?!)

        Bahahahaha! Love this way of thinking of it!

    • I knew it was time to cut off a friend when I was certain that I wouldn’t miss anything about the friendship. In other words, everything I did was to appease her demands and I was exhausted. I never doubted it was the right choice for me, but didn’t want to hurt her. I’ve had no regrets looking back. Interestingly, this friend had people cut her out of their lives before me. It’s a pattern of behavior.

    • Cookbooks :

      A few years ago, I finally decided it was time to let go of my childhood best friend. When I moved for law school, we drifted a little because of geography and school keeping me busy.

      But I begged her to come visit me. She would talk or email or text me about having a lot of free time because her consultant boyfriend (now husband) was out of town for work. So I’d tell her come see me for a weekend! I’m an hour flight/6 hour drive or train ride away. She kept assuring me she’d come. I even sent her an airline gift card, which she was happy to accept. But…nothing. I’d visit her every time I was in town visiting my parents. I asked her outright if she even wanted to visit. If she didn’t want to, okay. I’m not going to force anyone. She still kept saying, “No, no, I’ll come!” But when I needed her during a particularly rough time, I didn’t get the support I needed.

      I think what happened was that when she met her husband, she was quickly folded into his group of friends, and I was needed less and less. Which was fine, I’m the one who moved. It was when she got married that I realized that it’s time to let this friendship go–she just wasn’t willing to make the time or effort for me. At first I figured it was a function of being in a new relationship, then later because of engagement excitement…but I have very close friends who have SOs, or are married, or have kids, and they make time for me. Often they’re the ones reaching out to me make plans or check in. And it hurt to know that over 20 years of friendship, I wasn’t worth the effort. I’m over it now, but it highlighted for me which friends I know will be there in the long run.

  4. Silly things :

    What is the silliest or most unnecessary thing you own that you love (maybe something decor-based or jewelry or something in your car or…)?

    • Maudie Atkinson :

      A Lunya merino-cashmere blend bathrobe. A bathrobe isn’t a silly thing, but this one was pretty extravagant. And yet, now that I have it, I can’t imagine living without it.

    • My engagement ring. It’s largish, sparkly, unique, family setting and I get compliments daily.

    • JuniorMinion :

      An applesauce mill and an antique ricer. I feel like they are throwbacks (especially the antique ricer) and I see that second one rarely but I just love it. I could probably accomplish most of the same things with a sieve / food processor.

      • JuniorMinion :

        Also worth noting that someone close to me restored the ricer back to working order for me

      • I have a 1950’s Mouli grater that I get a huge kick out of every time I use (which isn’t all that often), so I can relate.

    • I have a couple of custom made bumper stickers on my car (not with my name or something but related to my life misc.) and a custom steering wheel cover. In total, they were all probably $25. However they help me identify my car in parking lots and they make the vehicle feel more like me, so every time I see them, they make me happier.

    • Bubba water-bottles with the silicone straws – I just prefer them over anything else

    • Punch cups. A few years back an older relative gave me more than 60 punch cups and several dozen plates that had been passed down through various family members over the years. They’re in a variety of designs and some are definitely of higher quality than others, but I love them all. I don’t have a punch bowl and I rarely use the cups. The only reason I got them is because nobody else wanted to store them anymore (and I don’t really have the storage space either!), but I absolutely love having them.

      • pugsnbourbon :

        Oh how fun!

      • You should get a punch bowl (or improvise with a couple of random mixing bowls) and have a party.

        • Great idea! The only time they’ve really gotten use was at my Senior Recital in college. My mom did the food for the reception and I asked her to haul all the punch cups to my school because I didn’t want plastic. (yes, I’ve had the cups since college, and yes, my mother is that much of a wonderful soul!)

    • Artfully ripped jeans. I feel ridiculous owning them. At some level I feel buying already ripped/ faded clothing means that I’m the decadent rich. My grandmother turned the collars and cuffs on my grandfather’s shirts to extend their life and felt that signs of wear were a sign of poverty. I’m sure she’d think ripped jeans were a waste of good money. But… I bought them at a time when everything in my life was very practical, but joyless. It made me happy (and still makes me happy) to have something silly and indulgent and fun.

    • Anonymous :

      I always use purple pens at work. They are silly and I have to buy them myself, but they lift my spirits. I am known for them and often asked to give others’ writing the “purple pen markup.”

      • sweetknee :

        I have the same with green pens!

        • Me too!

          Part of my big trial prep is buying a new pack of coloured pens, but my primary pens are green.

        • Me too!

          Part of my big trial prep is buying a new pack of coloured pens, but my primary pens are green.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Pink pen here- I found one in the conference room yesterday and am pretty certain it’s the one I lost a few days ago, so it’s back in my office now.

      • Shopaholic :

        I wanted to do this so badly but felt like I couldn’t get away with it. I may reconsider…

        • Same! Purple is a power color for me (and the color of my alma mater!) so I’ve always wanted to use purple pens as a kind of signature thing, but I’m afraid people will see it as unprofessional. Thoughts on this?

      • anonymous :

        I am also a purple pen user! I’ve always used them and when I was working at a certain well known newspaper and a few of us would put a fresh pair of eyes on an article, you use different pen colors and mine was always purple! :)

    • Anonymous :

      I received a beautiful, classic Georg Jensen pitcher as a gift, and I use it every day. I would never have bought it for myself, but it gives me pleasure just seeing it on my dining room table :)

    • MargaretO :

      I inherited a partial set of dishes in a really funky 50s print and bought some pieces to fill in (at great expense) from replacements inc. They are my everyday dishes and remind me of the relative I inherited them from, who was very dear to me.

    • Anonymous :

      A Tile for my keys (worth it’s cost 10x over on those moments you can’t find your keys)
      These little finger clip things for soaking off your gel polish (I do my nails at home and it’s SO MUCH EASIER than using tinfoil, especially on yourself)

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      A “valet hook” over my closet door. Lets me hang my outfits up for the next day and see them put together better than I can hanging in my too-crowded closet. Bought it at the local drugstore for $6 or something.

      Also, my Kikkerland owl piggy bank that’s just for pennies. I’ve had it for 5+ years now and it’s getting pretty close to full.

      Last, my buckwheat and lavender filled owl my brother got me for Christmas. I ALMOST brought it home with me last time I visited because I love it so much at night.

    • My silver. Especially the full set of sterling silver flatware that I use every day and hand wash. I don’t own any other utensils. I also don’t own anything else in my kitchen that can’t go in the dishwasher because I hate hand washing, but the silver is worth it. The flatware was my great grandmother’s sister’s (she never had kids) and I love knowing that I’m still using something that has been in my family for so long. I love my silver collection so much that it is the only specific item I wrote into my will.

    • A set of teatime china (cups, saucers, small plates) I bought in England and had shipped home. I’ve used it exactly once in 25 years. I’ve moved houses three times and have moved the china. I will never get rid of it.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      Givency gown. Hands down.

    • Vintage milk glass deviled egg trays with gold leaf trim. I don’t like having single-purpose anything, much less serving ware, but those things make me nearly giddy every time I look at them.

  5. Weird question -- bra/cami combo :

    I used to just wear PJs to bed. Post-kids, I nursed and was always in a nursing bra at night or some sort of sleeping bra that could hold the nursing pads in it for leakage and then graduated to 100% target nursing tanks to sleep in (with PJs). I somehow got used to the support (even though I was not all that big when nursing and am not big now). Are there any good bra-cami combos out there that have really light support? I have gotten to the point where I just can’t go back. I’ve tried the uniqlo bra tops and they are too shaped (or something) for me.

    • Anonymous :

      Not a weird question. Following for answers because I’m still sleeping in my bravado tanks even though I stopped nursing a year ago. I can’t give up the support but I can’t find a decent replacement.

      • Minnie Beebe :

        I also have gotten used (post kid) to wearing a sleeping bra, which I guess is not as weird as I thought it was. I have one of my bras from BF days– I think it’s a medela pullover type bra (no latches or anything, just a pullover thing.) I also have a number of bralettes that I probably bought at target. I usually just wear a regular tank top with one of those underneath.

    • Anonymous :

      I am sleeping in very old shelf bra camis from Old Navy because nobody makes these anymore. I can’t give up the support, especially since I change into my PJs as soon as I get home in the evening. I have thought of wearing a bralette + tank top, but that seems awfully fussy and I don’t really want to wander around the house with my bra hanging out all the time.

      • Anon in NYC :

        Yes, I was going to suggest Old Navy or Gap Body.

      • I think you can get shelf bra camis at Costco.

        • Soma’s pjs have shelf bras (which I only know because everytime I grab one in the store, I remember they don’t fit my ginormous chest! Argh!)

      • You can buy some version of these at Nordstrom Rack. It used be “14th and Union” and now seems to be “Shimera” but all basically same concept. Cosabella also makes these – they’re pricier but can be found on sale and are maybe a little softer.

      • (Former) Clueless Summer :

        As a fellow Old Navy bra cami lover (I have some that are so old and raggedy I’ve had to safety pin the straps to the body…) I have never found anything else as good. I hate the Costco ones, the fabric pills and they’re super long. Any recs for people who’ve successfully replaced their ON camis?

    • Have you looked at Old Navy or the like?

      Alternatively, years ago in college in the early ’00s, I wore one of those super light support cotton sports bras underneath t-shirts to sleep. The kind that’s such light support it’s not actually support, so much as stretchy fabric with an elastic band. The old uniboob, cotton kind we all wore before we discovered athletic fabrics and molded cups.

    • Anonymous :

      Hmm, I’ve been seeing ads for this brand called Lively. No camis, but there are some bras I’ve been contemplating buying for sleeping. I am in the same boat, wearing a long-worn-out nursing/sleeping bra every night.

    • I used to get them at Old Navy but they haven’t had them in a while. So I have switched to comfy brale**es and tank tops.

    • Anonymous :

      I wear the Uniqlo tanks for this same purpose.

    • I slept in those elastic shelf bra camis until they gave me a yeast infection under/between my breasts. I took the hint that the girls want their freedom, so now I wear Soma sleep camis (I think they are from the cool nights collection) that have elastic right under the bust, but it is not super firm. They cradle my ladies in a more or less natural position, but provide enough support that I’m comfortable lounging around in them, like on a Sunday morning.

    • Anonymous :

      express. i’ve been buying them from express alone for 10+ years.

    • The ones at Nordstrom Rack were too short for me but these from Kohls look promising.

    • Wildkitten :

      I am probably more endowed than you but I sleep in really cheap sports bras, and t-shirts.

    • Anonymous Sleeper :

      Sleeptops. Actually, the sleep tank.
      At sleeptop dot com.

  6. Feeling undesired :

    Anyone here not feel desired by their SO? We have regular s*x, 1-2x a week and it is good and we keep it spicy. However, outside of that, he doesnt seem to be too attracted to me. No long hugs or kisses, holding hands, nor excited replies to my suggestive texts. Never really shows that he is desires me. I thought we had a fantastic night on Sunday (I went down on him) and have been feeling frisky just thinking about it, but he’s rejected me the last three days. I sent him a few suggestive/flirty text without receiving much of a response. I feel undesired and, quite frankly, embarrassed. I am very attracted to him and I feel embarrassed when he rejects my advances. How do I get over this feeling? It will usually linger for a few days and I just feel unattractive and embarrassed for a few days.

    • Just talk to him about it. Also keep in mind that people have different levels of drive, and sometimes when you want to he’s not going to and vice versa. It’s not a comment on your level of attractiveness.

  7. body hair :

    Someone the other day said that women/womyn who remove hair from their… gardens?… look like children. 1st, this worries me that the long-time trend is just another way to lolita up the world of s3x. 2nd, why would not having hair there make someone a child in appearance if she has br3asts and hips and, ya know, is in an adult body?

    Not going to let this change the way I choose to keep my body (since I do that based on what I prefer) but wondering if it says something about those who prefer [email protected] …but would that also say something about those who prefer the same on male bodies?

    • I find the whole idea that bare = childlike laughable. Like, if someone looks at my body and thinks “oh, it’s the body of a prepubescent child!”, then… they have maybe never seen a child?

      I go back and forth between removing everything and also leaving it mostly intact and just trimming a bit. I have yet to meet a guy who cares either way. The most reaction that I’ve gotten has been that when I’m freshly bare, it’s exciting because it’s different.

      If a guy were to say, “You should wax, and also put your hair in pigtails, and wear this babydoll dress, and suck on this lollipop…” I’d be worried and weirded out. “Ooh, it’s soft and smooth and exciting!” does not worry me.

      All this said, I would have an issue with a guy who had a strong preference one way or another, not because I’m somehow worried about their proclivities, but just because I don’t want to be told how to manage my own body.

    • Baconpancakes :

      I don’t necessarily think the preference indicates that people who prefer hairlessness have pedo tendencies, but I think it might indicate they aren’t really into the messy, human, gross aspects of s3x or partnership. I might wonder if they preferred things is a bit sterile and manicured, and if they would accept all the gross parts of me and still love me anyway.

      But also, there’s a line between preferences and demands. I prefer men with beards, but if my SO shaved his beard, I wouldn’t be less attracted to him or tell him he should grow it back. It’s the same with me shaving my legs -he appreciates when I shave, but I’ve never felt any pressure to do so, and he’s no less enthusiastic about my legs when I don’t.


      I agree with everything in this article.

    • I tried to link an article but basically this – if you’re removing hair there, and it’s really not due to p0rn or pedo culture, then why weren’t our mothers and grandmothers doing it? Do you really think it’s an expression of your freedom, or just conformity to the male gaze?

      • Anonymous :

        I get that most people here are “Western” and only have a European perspective but those who adhere to personal hygiene rules in Islam have been removing their pubic hair for millenia. Men AND women. So yeah, I know for sure that people in my lineage have been removing it.

        • OK fine for you, but you know western women are not doing this because they want to be more Islamic.

      • +1

        I think this is the main reason.

        The explosion of internet porn, high popularity for very young women/teen porn and association with this manicured “look” is still a relatively new thing. As I grew up just before this explosion, it is very interesting to me to see how quickly it transformed how women manicure their bodies.

        I’m as feminist as they come, but think that women who brush porn aside and don’t acknowledge its influence and role in male sexual development and preference are naive.

      • I find it more comfortable to remove it? It’s not due to whatever cultural thing you’re saying

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I remove my hair because it is course and itchy. It feels cleaner to me and doesn’t catch on my clothes. Have been removing it since I was a teenager. I can’t imagine why anyone would think this makes me look like a child. But mainly, IDGAF.

      • You do you, obvs, but it actually isn’t cleaner. The hair is there for a reason, our bodies were made for it and so it doesn’t actually make things dirtier, and it also provides some protection.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          I have heard this, but I have a heard time believing this applies to every woman. At risk of being too graphic, the hair there gets all sorts of stuff stuck in it – TP, lint/fuzz, and all sorts of other. That hair is harder to wash than my head hair and can be pretty uncomfortable. But these is also the issue of it catching on my clothes/underwear and pulling. That is really really uncomfortable (tear inducing sometimes). Just seems easier to shave it off and not have to worry about it.

          Maybe all of this is because all of my hair is as course as a Brillo pad. But does anyone “condition” the hair in this area to make it softer? Or does this not work?

          • My peers (pre-the wax off generation) always trimmed. Then shaving etc.. of bikini line, if desired.

            When I shower, I wash with a touch of shampoo (after normal washing with soap of the area), and sometimes a touch of conditioner. Takes 30 seconds.

            Yes, the texture of the hair is often coarser, which is normal. But perhaps you exaggerate a little, no?

            It’s just hair.

          • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

            “But perhaps you exaggerate a little, no?”

            Yeah, no. This comment suffers from some of the same problems as anony below. Assuming that a woman makes up reasons to do something to rationalize it, and/or assuming everyone has relatively soft hair. It’s just not true. If you want to know what it feels like, take a pair of tweezers and pull on one of your hairs really hard. Now just imagine that happening when you aren’t expecting it at all. Over and over again.

      • Anonymous :

        I’ve waxed (a little and a lot) but my main way of “grooming” was cutting my hair down there with scissors so it was shorter. This worked fine until I was pregnant and couldn’t see wtf I was doing and injured myself. (Just a little bit, but still, not a fun convo to have with my ob/gyn.) Then I remembered those TV ads where they had a woman running past trees and the trees would change shape, and remembered the TV ad was for a trimmer, and lo and behold, I could get one on Amazon for $20. So now I use a bikini trimmer. I personally like it because when my hair is longer it gets tangled and gross when period blood gets stuck in it, or it gets tangled from normal female secretions. Also as showers have moved to every other day as I’ve gotten older I’m especially aware when my hair gets too long because it feels gross. Yes I’m aware I could shower more during my period, or use a tampon (I usually use Thinx), or use baby wipes, or whatever, but to me the easiest way and most freeing way to deal with the issue is just to keep my hair trimmed short. Just because our grandmothers didn’t talk about it or see tv commercials for such things didn’t mean they didn’t do it too, either with scissors, razors, electric shavers, or men’s beard trimmers or the like.

        It annoys me that something that makes my life easier and doesn’t affect your life at all strikes you as something where I’m giving in to the patriarchy and pedophile culture. It has zero to do with either. MYOB.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          Yeah, this. Also have the same “secretions” problem. And tangling.

          Why people think we are making this up is beyond me.

    • Wildkitten :

      Do whatever works for you and your partner. 2017, y’all.

    • It is interesting to see the responses of women who do remove it for “comfort” or “hygiene” or just preference…. That’s fine. It is a rationalization of sorts, and they don’t realize it. It is actually pretty fascinating to me as a physician and cultural anthropologist.

      In fact, it does have a biologic function, and serious pheromones. So it does not surprise me, unfortunately, that Islamic cultures may remove it. Sad.

      • If a man said this, everyone would be up in arms about how incredibly condescending and offensive it is. How about you do what you want with your body and let other people do what they want with their bodies and get off your faux-intellectual high horse?

        I remove by body hair regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not; regardless of whether a man is going to be looking at my body or not. I do it because I prefer it that way and I get to do what i want with my body.

        And BTW – check your history. Women all over the world of many religions and cultures have been removing their body hair for thousands of years. The fact that is was not traditionally done by women is Western Europe does not make it morally superior.

        • +1

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          Yes, definitely this a million times.

          But there is more to this as well. This person is implying that women who have discomfort and hygiene issues related to public hair is somehow imagining that discomfort and those hygiene issues. That’s offensive too. That these issues are imagined up to use as a rationalization. That’s insane.

          Ironic that this person says they are cultural anthropologist and a doctor. Does this person not see patients from ethnicities with course hair? Lots of different kinds of people have course hair. If a doctor told me that I remove my hair to to avoid tear-inducing discomfort and spending more time on hygiene, I would tell them to go eff themselves and find a different doctor.

          And the implications about WHY Muslim women remove hair is offensive. And ignores that Muslim men do the same thing.

  8. Maudie Atkinson :

    I’m shocked I’m saying this, but I kind of love this bag.

    • Anonymous :

      I love it too, and I’m not normally someone who cares about bags.

    • Maudie Atkinson :

      I do like bags, but my wardrobe is mostly black and not this aesthetic, thus the surprise.
      I am also surprised because it’s rare to see a Tory Burch item that isn’t very conspicuously branded, which is a look that definitely turns me off.

  9. Anonymous :

    I’m wearing the Jones NY short sleeve dress that was featured here maybe 2 weeks ago? in red. I like it. I really, really like it for $36.

    • I wore the long-sleeve one yesterday and it was sooooo comfortable and it was $29.

    • Anonymous :

      What is the length like on that dress? It looked really cute, but I’m on the tall side and always afraid to try new brands out of fear that they will barely cover my lady bits.

    • JuniorMinion :

      I had trouble with the sizing from a curviness factor – I ended up keeping the cap sleeve $28 draped front dresses but they aren’t a perfect fit.

  10. What stories here have you become invested in? :

    I’m terrible with handles so it’s not easy for me to keep track of who says what. However, over the years, I’ve gotten sometimes very invested in the stories posted here and love the updates. There were a few posters years ago who stuck out (an Indian woman who was dating and wondering about the cultural aspects who I wonder if she’s found someone amazing), someone named K (I think?) who had a horrible break up and then the loss of a pet and a move that all came at once (I hope she’s happy wherever she is). Most recently? Wildkitten and her pup (it makes me want to wear dark clothing with her and run in and take back that dog) and Senior Attorney’s wedding/move/jewelbox home. I was also struck recently by the post made by Rainbow Hair about how it felt for her to stand up for herself and not get what she wanted.

    I just envision women in the world fighting for what they deserve and I hope so much that everyone gets what makes them happy!

    Wondering which lives/stories have others felt invested in (whether by username or by generalized experiences).

    • The one I think about is the woman from a few years ago whose mother in law was going to move in with them permanently into their small 2 bed in the city, and her husband and mother in law didn’t even get along. Talk about tough.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      KT (miss you!), Wildkitten’s pup story (WK, what’s up?!) and Senior Attorney’s love for leopard print.

      Also, anyone going through an abusive relationship I become invested in and care about because it sucks.

    • E.Pontellier. I hope she and her daughter are thriving.

      Divalicious11 (no story here, but I miss her financial advice and life perspective!)

      Kanye East. I miss the sass!


      • Anonymous :

        These 100%

      • Oh my goodness. Blast from the past. Have any of y’all been here for FOREVER? I started reading when Kat was still incognito, when I was still not sure what I was going to be “when I grew up”, but knew I wanted to do “something in an office.” This place got me through years of going back to school, the horrible year of the CPA exam, and I’m now in my 5th year as an accountant. Hard to believe.

        • Frozen Peach :

          Most of my regular handle stories are from the Moms site (waves at NewMomAnon and our friend with surprise 2 under 2), but I totally relate to this! I’ve been here on and off since I started practicing law and Kat was still incognito.

          On a separate but related note, I totally have friend crushes on certain posters.

        • OCAssociate :

          I’ve been reading since 2009, but only rarely comment. I’m also terrible at remembering handles, but there are so many people who have given amazing advice and whose stories I’ve been invested in. It’s a great community.

        • I’ve been reading since she was incognito, as well!

          • Me too

          • Legally Brunette :

            Me three!

            I remember SFBayArea attorney had really good insights. I miss her comments here.

            There are so many wonderful women here, but two off the top of my hand are Cbackson and Senior Attorney. Grateful for their insights and advice.

        • Me too!

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          I’ve been here forever and under the same name.

        • I’ve been here since, OMG, 2005. If not earlier. Yowza.

        • Yes! been reading for forever- taking some breaks here and there

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        Kanye is keeping the sass going on Tumblr (as is Ru, sometimes). E.Pontellier was as well for a while, though I haven’t seen her on lately.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Aw hi, it’s nice to hear I’m in your head! (BTW the follow up on that is kind of great/awful: CEO was *pissed* when he found out I was uninvited, talked to me about how important things like that are for my career development, made it clear others knew it mattered, so I think it’s on everyone’s radar for me to be more involved next time … and here’s the kicker — I was uninvited because there were going to be ‘too many’ people on our side of the table. The other side ended up having one more than we did. GRR.)

    • I come here and to Moms site daily – started in 2008 or 2009 – and over the years I’ve gotten advice about, at least, (1) getting evaluated for ADHD; (2) quitting a toxic job; (3) surviving this election; (4) telling people to butt out after a long bout of infertility; (5) regaining a sense of self after becoming a parent; (6) confronting DH about alcohol abuse, and most recently (7) navigating through his early stages of recovery.

      My life is qualitatively better because of this forum. Thanks, Kat, and thanks to everyone here.

      • Mine is too! Good luck to you and your partner.

      • Agree w your last paragraph! I’m so grateful for stories, sharing, advice, and just knowing how helpful and supportive women can be.

        Senior Attorney’s stories resonate with me because we have similar stories. After a brutal divorce from a jerk I should have dumped, her stories gave me great perspective. I would love to have more of her wisdom.

    • Wildkitten :

      <3 I am so heart-warmed by this post.

    • Wildkitten :

      There was a woman with an infant in manhattan who had an abusive husband and I regularly wonder how she is. Also… Calibraocha? Told me to start watching Hart of Dixie and the show has been cancelled and I still wonder how she is doing. I love Senior Atty but she’s doing great so I don’t wonder. <3

  11. Anonymous :

    I’m going to a very small wedding here in DC next weekend. Outdoor ceremony at monument; reception is at a rented-out patio of a Capitol Hill restaurant. (it sounds awesome and I’m very excited for the couple) Help me pick a dress?

    I have a colorful pink/red/purple floral Eliza J maxi, another Eliza J that is just past knee length with a black stretch top and a white/black chevron skirt with like one layer of tulle underneath so it has some body, a navy blue sequin lace Ralph Lauren dress (much lovelier than it sounds, I think I found it on here actually…) in my closet, or I’d be open to buying something in the $100 price point. Will try and link photos in comments. Thoughts on any of these? Probably going to add some kind of wrap or shawl, possibly even a jersey blazer for the ceremony if it’s cold.

    It looks like the weather is going to be possibly wet/on the cool side but that could also change in the next week so ?? either way, wearing low wedge sandals or flats.

    • sweetknee :

      Time of day for the wedding? I assume afternoon?

    • Anonymous :

      Not this exact dress, but same coloring and very similar —

      • I think the sequined one might look a little odd with wedges or sandals (though I like it). I would go with the first or second.

  12. I have a cold that’s settled into my sinuses and I’m absolutely miserable. Trying to make it through the day because I’m scheduled to go on vacation tomorrow. I suspect that I have a sinus infection in the making, but I’ve only had the cold since Monday. I’m foggy-headed, fatigued, you name it. Any ideas for clearing the crud away? I’m currently on a decongestant and sinus rinses and still feel like h3ll. I’m expecting a miserable flight if I can’t get some relief soon.

    • Pho, with as much sriracha and jalapeno as you can handle.

      • Anonymous :

        I had a horrible sinus-ear-allergy thing over last weekend/earlier this week and I’m better now but WOW this makes me want pho.

        OP, if you’re scheduled to be on vacation tomorrow could you get in to urgent care today? at least for me, even with a couple weeks I’m unlikely to kick a sinus infection on my own without antibiotics and I’d want to get those pumping as soon as possible.

        • I’ll probably have to lie about the amount of time I’ve been sick to get the antibiotics, but I never kick these things on my own. I had a sinus infection less than two months ago and seem to be prone to them whenever I get a bad cold. My PCP doesn’t seem concerned, but I wonder if I need a second opinion if I’m getting them so often.

          • I used to have recurrent sinus infection and my ORL specialist was very concerned about that. I was lucky he expressed his concern and sent for further tests as it turned out, I had severe pet allergy (to a pet that lived with me at that time) and my imune system was compeomised as well.
            The pet was relocatee to live with my parents, I got allergy treatment and imunotherapy.
            What helped me managing sinus infection was: drinking gallons of water, using mucolytics (sirups or tablets which help dilute and remove mucus), relieving sinus pressure and blockage by using pseudoephedrine tablets, Flonase spray to help manage allergy/nasal reactions. In case the infection was bacterial, I took antibiotics. I also use air humidifier from then on.
            I would recommend to talk to your PCP and make him concerned. Recurrent sinus infections can have consequences.

      • My last sinus infection was fought (alongside many drugs and all the usual good advice, sleep, water etc) with wonton soup and dan dan noodles.

    • MargaretO :

      Get yourself one of these:

      (apologies for the ridiculous link)

      and neti pot with half distilled water and half this:

    • Anonymous :

      Mucinex – without any of the cold/sinus/-D additives.

      And lots of chicken soup. And water. Steamy showers.

      Avoid Sudafed (just dries up the mucus instead of moving it along).

    • Baconpancakes :

      If you get regular sinus infections, look into making Flonase a regular part of your life (if it isn’t already). This is the first season change in 4 years I haven’t gotten sick. Truly life changing. Also as I’m sure you already know, humidifier every night.

      • Flonase forever. “Life-changing” is not an exaggeration. Since starting it, I’ve been able to throw out every other allergy medication and now only need sinus pills on the rare occasion that I’m hung over (wicked hangover congestion over here).

    • Netti pot

    • Mucinex D and a humidifier. Make sure you’re on decongestants on the flight because it hurts like he11 if your ears are congested.

      • Also get antibiotics if you can to have on hand if your symptoms don’t improve in a few days.

    • Wildkitten :

      Chew gum. In addition to everything else, it’s the only thing that really lets my head clogs unclog.

  13. Minnie Beebe :

    Quick fashion Q: Tonight is DH’s company’s officers’ dinner, and spouses also attend. Attire is business casual (DH is wearing a suit, no tie.) I was planning on wearing a navy sheath dress with nude pumps, but it’s ridiculously cold here today (40’s and overcast in Chicago.) Can I wear black tights with a navy dress? I’d of course switch to black pumps, and I’ve got a black tweed jacket I’ll top the dress with. Or should I stick with bare legs/nude pumps?

    [Although I have multiple black dresses I could wear, I just don’t feel like wearing black today.]

    • I think you can pair black and navy as described for sure!

    • I think black & navy are fine together as long as it looks intentional (so not such a dark navy that one would think you thought it was black when getting dressed).

      Have fun!

      • Minnie Beebe :

        Thanks. The navy of the dress is light enough so it doesn’t look remotely black. I’m going with the tights!

    • I wear black tights and pumps with all of my navy sheath dresses and it looks super chic IMO. The black jacket sounds fab and I’d also carry a black bag!

  14. Kiss my face makes a cold therapy bubble bath/body wash-I’d pick that up and take steamy shower and guzzle gts gingerade kombucha and get tons of sleep. I hope you feel better soon!

  15. Anonymous :

    Anybody here have LL Bean slippers? I want to get a pair of the shearling ones but don’t know if I should size up or down? I’m a 9.5 but size down in self-described fugly shoes like birks and uggs…

    • Diana Barry :

      I wear a 9.5 in sneakers but usually 9 in dress shoes, and I get 9 in LL Bean slippers. The ones with shearling will flatten out after you wear them a few times.

    • Anonymous :

      I have Ugg slippers in the same style and also went down. I’m usually a 7.5 (or 7.75 as someone said here recently) and got a 7. It was snug at first and now are perfect. An 8 definitely would have been too large.

    • Another vote for size down. Mine are too loose now that the shearling has compacted. I’m considering taking advantage of their crazy guarantee.

  16. Last year, I inherited a piece of property in trust* for a relative who’s awful with money. The house is paid for, but the relative’s agreement with the decedent was to pay $500 per month to cover taxes and insurance. I’ve looked at the tax and insurance bills both long-term and for the last year, and they only add up to $265 per month. The “rent” is deposited monthly into a checking account used exclusively for this property. Quite a little slush fund is building that can be used for repairs on the very old house.

    Would you lower the “rent” for this relative to $300/$350? Or would you keep it at $500 as a form of mandatory savings account? We are talking about a perfectly competent adult who’s just so plain bad with money that another adult has to hold their property for them…but I know the extra $150/$200 in their budget would be a good chunk of breathing room for this person. (This person’s monthly income is $2200.)

    I can’t decide. I see the positives to the mandatory savings in case something happens to the house and I see the positives to letting the person have more breathing room. (The person isn’t a gambler or addict; 2+2 just simply doesn’t equal 4 for this person. Checking account always overdrawn, multiple bankruptcies, no credit to speak of, etc. I’ve long since stopped trying to understand because it defies sense.)

    *For lawyers in the crowd, this isn’t a legal trust. I use the term colloquially.

    • Anonymous :

      I wouldn’t lower. I had a season where I was living on that amount per month and paying MORE per month for housing. I had to trim my lifestyle significantly, but it was doable. I wasn’t in debt, I wasn’t overdrawn, and my credit was great. All that to say that the person’s money habits mean that another couple hundred per month would go into the same black hole as the rest. Keep the money in savings, an duse it to bail out the relative at some point or upgrade the house when it will inevitably need it.

    • Why not drop it $25 or $50 every 3-6 months, letting the person know when/why it is dropping, since that amount could make a difference in their life anyway?


      Ask the person if they’d like to save for something in addition and have x amount go to the house slush fund and the y amount be diverted into an account for that savings. This way, if relative knows they suck at finances, they can have help saving for a replacement car or heath expense or whatever without it changing their bills since less would go into the slush fund now.

    • Don’t lower it. Taxes and insurance go up. Old houses cost money to maintain. That slush fund looks like a lot now, but will inevitably need to be used when it’s time for a new roof or something else major.

    • How about this: Don’t lower the amount, but consider expanding (in your own mind) the purpose of the slush fund. If the relative ever has a true crisis, consider using some of the slush fund money to help them out (assuming it makes sense in terms of the amount of $ in the slush fund versus the anticipated repairs on the house). Almost like a secret savings account for this person, with some flexibility for you to use your good judgement.

    • Honor the wishes of the decedent. They wanted the rent to be $500 for a reason. This is your role, and the decedent chose you to carry it out, trusting that you’d honor their wishes. I’m really surprised and somewhat disappointed that you’re considering changing it.

      That aside, as the owner of an old house, it is a regular thing to have $1000 – $5000 unexpected repair bills nearly every year.

  17. bellatrix :

    There’ve been some discussions lately about skin care and what products people do/don’t use — I need a similar discussion about hair care. I’ve just completely forgotten how to do my hair (and even when I knew how, it wasn’t great).

    My hair:
    Shoulder-length, give or take an inch or two
    On the fine side, but a lot of it
    Plenty of body and a slight wave (but not really enough to do anything with – so my hair mostly looks like messy straight hair)
    Naturally brown with a fair bit of silver. (I used to color but it was too much maintenance, so I’m embracing the grey.)
    Fairly healthy looking, or at least my stylist says so, but definitely more fried on top/in front.

    What I do now:
    Wash hair every other day, usually with plain old Head & Shoulders. (I don’t know if what I have is actually dandruff, but there’s definitely some scalp buildup, and when I use anything else for a long time, the buildup/flaking seem worse)
    Whatever conditioner I happen to have in the shower
    Garnier Leave-In Conditioning Cream when I get out, as styling product
    Comb into place and air-dry.

    This mostly works, but a lot of times I just end up pulling my hair back because it’s just so blech. I don’t need/want fancy hair, but I’d like something more put-together than what I have now. When I have time to blow-dry in the morning it looks much better, but that’s rare.

    Any hacks I should know about that could give me more of a style? I’m nearly 40 if that matters.

    • Have you asked your stylist for tips on products? Mine doesn’t try to upsell me on a thousand different things. She suggested the brand I use (Jessicurl) and I like it a lot, but my hair is curly so I doubt it’s the right product for you. Your stylist might have a better idea what would work with your texture hair.

      I have also had very good results with apple cider vinegar rinses 1xweek, based on advice from the lovely ladies here.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Love the ACV rinses.

      I swear by the sock bun (there’s a video called “Overnight Heatless Sock Bun Curls Hair Tutorial”) for my lots-of-thin-hairs wavy hair, but after decades of being anti blowdryer, I’ve started to hesitantly embrace it. What I do is basically air dry to almost dry, and then use a dryer to add some… idk, polish? Oomph? I use this John Freida Hot Air Brush thingie because the two handed aspect of blowdrying is impossible for me. But it basically just makes my hair look more *done* when I use it.

    • We have the same hair – texture, color, cut, etc. I have highlights not to color grays (although it does) but for texture. I’ve been getting them since 16 – without color a ponytail holder would slip out of my hair, it’s so fine.

      Your cut and your styling tools matter if you want to make your hair do…something. I have my ends cut blunt with a few very long layers in the back to give it a little movement. Blut ends make it look thicker and bouncier.

      I shampoo with anything sulfate free for color treated hair. I generally use only Biolage conditioner. Others weigh my hair down too much.

      On shampoo days I use 1 product, although I vary between many. Favorites right now are Redken mousse, Rusk Thick spray, or Living Proof mousse. Maybe Sebastian clay (just a touch) for flyaways. If I’m going out and want a thicker look, I use thickening powder around the crown. I blowdry with a Rusk hairdryer ($80 ten years ago and worth every penny. Dries quick and powerful with lots of volume) and a vent brush. If I need it to look perfect, I finish with a round brush to smooth and bend in the ends. I do not use ionic brushes or anything to smooth the hair. I’m trying to get volume, not smoothness. I blow dry my bangs in the opposite way I want them to lie, then push them back in place.

      Non-shampoo days – dry shampoo, in a teased ponytail or bun. I use a rat-tail comb to backcomb so my hair doesn’t look like a greasy mess thrown into a pony.

  18. Good News :

    Wanted to share with you ladies that I just had my first-ever job performance evaluation and I was ranked Superior in all categories! I love reading the comment threads here for professional advice and since there’s no one I can really share this with at work, I thought I’d post here :)

  19. Has anyone had a hydrofacial? I just got one, with the dermabuilder, and despite the redness (could be from lots of manual extractions) my skin looks amazing- lots of volume, wrinkles look smaller, and generally feeling like porcelain! How long does this last? (I hope it’s forever!)

  20. Unscented curl product :

    Can anyone recommend a curly hair product with no fragrance?

    Everything I’ve tried either doesn’t work or gives my husband a migraine. He’s very sensitive to fragrance. I know lavender and chamomile, but there are definitely others that I haven’t identified yet.

    I have loose curls that need some definition and support but nothing crunchy. For reference, my favorite was Aveda’s Be Curly.

    • Jessicurl has unscented options. I don’t know how it compares to Aveda though; never used Aveda.

    • I use leave in conditioner and gel (neither for curly hair specifically) from Alba Botanica. Fragrance free (my husband is also extremely sensitive to scents so i can only use fragrance free products). I have long, curly hair.

    • Cookbooks :

      Make Waves from Silk Naturals–no discernible fragrance. So many hair care products are too heavily scented, and I hate it. This does a nice job of keeping the frizz down and my hair defined (I use in conjunction with a leave-in conditioner), but I do use mouse or something extra if I really need my curls to stay put for a while. The best part is you can buy a small sample to see how it works for you.

    • I use the Deva Curl Ultra Defining Gel. It dries crunchy, but you scrunch your curls once they’re dried to break the cast. It’s the only product that keeps my hair from fuzzing. I haven’t used it yet this year (I do curly curls in the summer when it’s humid and blow-outs in cooler weather), but I don’t remember it having anything more than a vaguely shampoo-y scent. Certainly nothing like Aveda products.

    • I love love love Tres Emme Curl Mousse. Black bottle with green cap. I’ve been using it for years and get compliments all the time!

    • If you’re still there – unfortunately it has a SLIGHT scent but I’m very scent-sensitive and the Living Proof curl product doesn’t bother me at all.

    • Unscented curl product :

      Thanks, all!

  21. ShoeLover :

    Re: most comfortable shoes for working women….

    I keep meaning to mention a brand of really cute and incredibly comfortable shoes for working women that I don’t think I’ve seen referenced in roundups before……BeautiFeel. I have two pair of low pumps (maybe a 1.5 heel) in black suede and in animal print; one pair of higher pumps in a metallic black. I am exceedingly picky about shoes and have bunions that are the size of knobs on each foot. I cannot wear almost any pointed toe shoe at all, but these work great. I feel very polished and professional in these, but can wear them all day. Nordstrom carries a few, but we have a local chain of stores here in Twin Cities called Schuler, which is where I find the largest selection.

    • Anonymous :

      I concur! They are pricey, but the cost per wear for me has been very low.

    • I like that brand too. Wearing today in fact. There is a comfort shoe store in DC by DuPont circle that carries them.

  22. Just felt like such an idiot on a call at work and I’m having a hard time not crying afterwards (which is what happens when I’m embarrassed). How do you shake it off? I think it’s a mix of feeling dumb that I didn’t know something, being made to feel dumb by the other person, pressure to not look stupid in this particular situation and failing and feeling like this VIP is going to figure out I have NO CLUE what I’m doing and not want to deal with me.

    • Just breathe, you will get over this and get through it. Mistakes happen, to all of us. I’m 25+ years into my career and still feel like I make dumb mistakes sometimes. And I can’t say don’t beat yourself up over it, because I still do that a bit, too. But keep it in proportion. There is nothing dumb about not knowing something (and eff whatever jerk made you feel dumb), particularly when you are young or new at your work, and you will grow from this. Also, I am sure you are killing it at work in many other ways and that this was a small thing that will blow over.

      And I absolutely promise you that NO ONE ELSE sees this as the big deal that you do. Truly.

      You’ve got this, and you will be fine.

    • SFAttorney :

      It happens to all of us! You’re probably too hard on yourself and others have already forgotten it. Try not to play it over in your mind. That’s easier said than done, I know, but find something else to occupy your thoughts.

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