Coffee Break: Romy Shoulder Bag

73 Comments

1. has anyone tried that GenSee brand? or can suggest a good dupe for the rose water eyeshadow? (or if i do buy one, anything else i should get while i’m there?)

   1. No, I like the YSL Touché Éclat for this. They have more color options.

      1. do you use touche eclat as an eyeshadow? i always thought it was a concealer. are you thinking of another ysl thing maybe?

2. Help. I put my foot in my mouth and offended the head of my department at my new job (someone several layers above me). I basically criticized their work from a few years ago without realizing it was their work. I apologized, but there’s nothing I can do or say now to take it back and I want to crawl in a hole. This guy is going to be a part of deciding my projects, my promotions, my raises. Tell me it’s going to be okay.

   1. What a hard day. Some reassurance: I’m the head of a department and have a report who is a pretty constant foot-eater in this way. The first time or two, with an apology, I was just fine – it’s hard being new!

      This is to say: unless you were truly mean/unprofessional, I would not be upset in any lasting way over a single incident that then garnered an apology and reflection (which you are clearly doing).

      Where my report is running into issues is that its become a pattern, and he’s unable to bounce back/handle the friction his comments create (and wants to be reassured over and over that no one is “mad at him” when we are, in fact, annoyed and offended, because it keeps happening).

      Keep your head up – it’s going to be OK. Don’t let one misstep cause a spiral.

   2. as long as you learn your lesson — i.e., before criticizing, neutrally inquire as to the reason behind something — you’re fine!

   3. Totally fine and you will be okay, so long as the head of your department is reasonably emotionally intelligent. But my husband is like you and I keep telling him, try to avoid criticism unless it’s absolutely necessary, and even then, couch it in positive language. There is no reason to start out a new job by criticizing old work, even if it wasn’t the Head’s work. Unless the feedback can be incorporated into revision AND your feedback is directly requested, don’t offer unsolicited criticisms.

   4. It’s going to be okay! Truly.

3. Does anyone just not like tretinoin? I think I have pretty average-sensitivity skin. I find it takes a long time for me to adjust to it (2-3 weeks?), but just as soon as I do, I have a reason to not take it for a week (brow waxing, upcoming facial…), and then I’m at zero again, back to a peeling, dry, pimply mess as I ramp back up to regular use. I also find it just very high maintenance – don’t put it on right after washing your face, use a thin layer of moisturizer, but not too much moisturizer, blah blah blah. I wash my face, do my nighttime things and get in bed. Once I’m tucked in, I’m in. I’ve also missed some applications because I just forgot! I’m trying to wait 30 mins for my skin to dry and welp… not gonna get back out of bed.

   Is it user error?? I’m almost 41. I need something and I thought this was the holy grail. I admittedly have very little skin care training/coaching in real life and have picked up most of what I know from this s ite, as a loooooong time reader. So, hive, what’s a girl to do?? What are your best tips?

   1. I feel the same way BUT I think a big part of it is 1) we are using too much 2) we should be starting out a couple times a week and not daily and 3) we need a heavier duty moisturizer. I’m trying to use it really sparingly and only every other night this time around, and so far it hasn’t disrupted my skin barrier the way it has in the past.

      1. I’m only doing it 2x/week when I get started and only ever maxed out at every other day. Pea size maximum. It just all feels so high maintenance.

         1. Have you tried mixing it with Cerave PM? That’s what my dr told me to do.

            I forget to do it a lot for the same reasons you do. I keep it in my bedside table along with the Cerave and Paula’s BHA gray bottle – I try to alternate between the two of those things (trentinoin and Paula’s) because they both need a dry face and they’re hard to pair with other things.

            I would skip facials and focus on the trentinoin but that’s just me!

   2. I’m the same way. Instead, I use differin nightly (which is also better for my rosacea) with no issues. I know it’s not as strong but I’d rather have gradual reliable change vs. being a peeling/pimply mess.

   3. try azaelic acid

   4. It’s not user error for me. My skin can’t handle it all and I worked with a dermatologist; I switched to retinaldehyde.

   5. I’ve worked with a bunch of derms and tried everything (lower percentage, smaller amount, less frequency, etc.) and my skin just really, really doesn’t like it. Nothing else I could do. FWIW, I recently started using glycolic acid wipes followed by a moisturizer every few days and my skin is literally glowing. It’s not skin sensitivity. It just doesn’t like retinols.

   6. I honestly think that my skin was as good when I was alternating vitamin C and salicylic acid (Stridex pads) every other night. I have a tret + niacinamide formula, and while it doesn’t make my skin look terrible, I don’t think it’s actually doing much more/anything compared to my previous routine.

      I got it from Apostrophe, which has since shut down, so I’m going to switch back to my old actives once this bottle of tret formula runs out.

      If I see significantly different results, then I’ll find a new tret provider. But if it’s pretty similar? I’ll just stick with my good, cheap, and non-fussy results.

      I think it really depends on the person, because one of my friends LOVES tret, and her skin does look good. Though, my main complaint is forehead lines, and she also gets Botox in her forehead, so it’s not just the tret that makes her skin better than mine.

   7. Same. It would be no surprise if in a few years, people figure out that all these chemicals do more harm than good. I went back to using mineral sunscreen in the day, moisturiser at night, and my 45 year old skin looks like 30 year old skin, even after having raised children.

   8. FWIW, I decided to see what happened if I didn’t let my skin dry. I shower, let my face dry while I brush my teeth, and then i put it on. Doesn’t seem to have any different effect as far as side effects. I can also only manage every other night, and maybe that wouldn’t be so if I’d let my face dry, but oh well.

4. Tell me about your experiences with being on boards. I joined one earlier this year because I wanted to see what it was like, and it’s been a mixed bag.

   I’d say half of the people on the board do all of the work, and the others just kind of… float. It seems way harder to hold people accountable on a board (more so than at work, where you could put someone on a PIP). Also, the organization we support is disorganized and lacking in accountability.

   I do believe in the cause, but I find myself wondering if I should just give money and put my time into the actual volunteering I used to do instead of board work, which does not seem as fulfilling! Is this typical of boards or am I just on a mediocre one?

   1. I would say this is typical of many (but not all) boards. My advice varies depending on your goals. Is this your ‘entry level’ board with the goal being to level up to more prestigious boards? Or are you on the board because you’re really passionate about the work and want to be more involved with the community? If it’s the former I’d say stick it out and position yourself for more senior level roles based on your experience. If it’s the latter it’s ok to go back to volunteering if that’s what fills your cup – a faux management role on top of full time work is a lot if you’re not enjoying it.

   2. When you say “support” do you mean that this is an advisory board rather than a board of directors?

      It is the job of the board of directors to pull the big levers (hiring/firing top leadership, setting the big goals) to ensure that a nonprofit is run well and to hold leadership accountable. If there is an insurmountable barrier to doing that, I would get off the board as quickly as possible.

      Sometimes people are on nonprofit boards because what they bring is their money/connections, rather than their time. I think that’s ok as long as they’re not holding the rest of the board or the organization back or blocking others from getting stuff done.

   3. This is pretty true for all boards/committees/volunteer gigs. Some people are there because they can write a check or have connections who will donate but aren’t really there to be worker bees.

      You should really think about what you will gain from the board. Are you there to gain specific skills? Make connections? Build knowledge in their mission? Boards are opportunities to develop skills and make connections you might not otherwise make but you really have to make peace with maybe doing a lot of work yourself.

   4. Half doing all the work seems like a pretty good percentage, I’ve been on boards where it’s more like a quarter or a couple of people doing everything. As for the disorganization, it’s not super surprising in my experience with nonprofit organizations BUT sometimes it’s a slow-moving disaster and it’s not fun to figure out how much you want to push as a board member. Especially with school or kid-related boards, I have been less critical or change-oriented because I don’t want the blowback to hit my family.

      My sense is that it sounds like a pretty typical nonprofit board, and if you don’t find it rewarding (I am over being on nonprofit boards for the time being), it’s 100% OK to step back.

5. I just learned about the “everybody is 12 now” theory and it explains so much. Elon wants strong control of the robot army he’s building. Of course you do buddy you’re 12. Lindsay halligan. Refusing to seat the AZ rep. White House Twitter account. Ugh.

   1. Similarly, I have long had a theory that all of life is like seventh grade. Sending a friend to ask the boy if he likes you, gossiping, etc. Think about it!

   2. I haven’t heard of that theory by name. But, personally, I have have long thought Trump and his minions’ actions and words are juvenile.

   3. Our whole society operates on the premise that socialization should happen in school.

6. What do you do to flex your mental toughness or grit muscle? How often do you end up in a situation in which this is tested?

   My life, like many of the lives on this board, is privileged. Even though stuff might feel hard in the moment, I’m really never tested anymore.

   I was a D1 athlete with a double major, I was in the military, I’ve run marathons and triathlons without proper training. I did grad school while working full time.

   And now I’m mid 30s, work 9-5 in a government job I love. I make decent money. I have time and money to spend on things I enjoy. I love my condo. I get to live near and regularly see family and friends. I don’t have to push through exhaustion – if I’m tired I can go to bed rather than needing to keep working. I don’t have to live or work in austere environments. I don’t have to juggle a million requirements. Money is no longer tight.

   Of course things aren’t perfect (a loved one has stage 4 cancer, work in government is very stressful right now and my boss is challenging, dating is dating, motherhood might not happen for me), but overall life is good.

   There are days when I really miss the challenge of my previous life. There are days I worry I can’t handle that challenge anymore, which worries me – what if something horrible happens (gestures to this country) and I’m no longer tough enough?

   I know I should be happy that life is easy, but I’m also someone who loves a challenge. I miss it.

   I have signed up for a trail marathon, which should help scratch this itch a bit but it’s still an easy life + a little more running than I usually do. I’ve thought about giving up coffee or alcohol just to do it.

   I have a lot of meaning in my life: great relationships with family and friends, a career that gives back that I love, regular volunteering, and now political activism, so it’s not searching for that.

   My hobbies are physically or mentally challenging too. I trail run. I row. I do other fitness. I learn new skills (currently embroidery). I write grants and do other “thinking” work for my volunteering. I read a lot.

   I just miss doing hard things?

   In any other administration I’d probably consider going back into the military but that’s obviously not something I’m currently interested in…

   1. My friends did Whole 30 for this reason. I’m
      Pretty anti Whole 30, but you could give up added sugar or some snack for a month.

      1. Become vegan for a month. It’s tough!

         1. Yeah, this has the benefit of reducing the suffering of others, which feels more meaningful than cutting coffee or alcohol.

   2. Also I’m over the vet bro stuff… I’m not doing 75 Hard or trying to become David Goggins or Jocko Willink…

      I want to do hard things that will fit into having a 9-5 and a social life! Like sure, I could do the workouts of 75 Hard, but that’s not aligned with my marathon training so it’d be counter productive. I could wake up at 4am to workout but why.
      I spent too many years doing the crazy stuff at the expense of 8 hours of sleep or grabbing dinner with my friends.

   3. Now that you have settled into a comfortable rhythm in adulthood, you might be going through an “is this all their is?” phase. No ideas on how you can try to cope, just naming the problem, which is quite common, but hits people at different stages of life.

      1. This is for sure what’s happening. I really love my life now. It’s fun and still meaningful. I briefly had a corporate job and hated that and knew it wasn’t for me.

         But I’m just not used to it being “easy”. I know it’s a blessing to not be challenged in my day to day life. This is a massive first world problem and yet …

         1. Would you be interested in training to join SAR? Can be a good mix of physical challenge *with* a meaning

   4. Not saying this is the solution for you, but . . . I had kids. I also was a college athlete and double major and ran marathons and went to a fancy law school and got a job in government. That was tough, but not like having someone else’s life depend on me and their world centered around me. (Maybe your military experience was like that, though?) With two small kids, at least 3 of 7 days of the week test my mental toughness and grit. Add in the implosion of government and thus my job, every day takes some grit to get through the day. I don’t advise having kids just to practice grit, though!

      You mention motherhood may not be for you–maybe not biological parenting, but adopting as a single person is possible and a beautiful way to raise a family if you’ve got the stability and relationships you mention. Just a thought.

      Also, maybe embrace this season of coasting. Sometimes challenges find us rather than we find them! I coasted a few years before pregnancy, then covid hit, and my first kid was in the NICU for a long time during lockdown. I’m glad I had many experiences of grit to draw from to get through that low period of life, but also glad that I wasn’t coming from a place of depletion when I needed to do so.

      1. I am a veteran and also have kids. Kids are way harder than my military experience was, but ymmv depending on job. For me: being deployed to a base in a safe location with food, shelter and laundry provided for, and flying combat missions after 8 hours of mandatory crew rest was cushy compared to the logistical challenges and sleep deprivation of adulting with young children.

      2. Yes,I had four (!) kids.

         Honestly my husband and I joke all the time that it’s good that I did because I would have been way too type an and domineering with just one or two kids.

         I also had female friends who are vets run for office!

   5. I was going to say competitive trail running. And then you said you signed up for a trail marathon. Congrats, friend, you are now on the very slippery slope to thinking “I could totally run the Barkley.”

      1. Ha yes! I do a lot of physical challenges – this will be my first trail full (I’m also signed up for a 50k later in 2026) but I’ve been trail running for fun for years. I rowed in college and now am getting back into that – right now just via volunteering and casual rowing but hopefully I’ll race next summer.

         One of my best/worst qualities is thinking “hm, I could do that”. Hence two totally untrained half marathons, 1 way under trained full, and several untrained or undertrained tris. It’s just too fun…

         1. We should be friends, because my bad habit is signing up for races I have no business attempting any time I’ve had a beer or two…

            1. Yes!

               My friends tease me on how much money I’ve spent signing up for races I have no business doing (a lot).

         2. Maybe actually train for those road marathons or half marathons and try to get a huge PR?

            Training to finish is about being uninjured, in decent shape, and not stupid on the course. Training for your best is six days a week of disciplined running and one day a week of being disciplined enough to rest.

            1. Oh yes, I’ve had ones I’ve actually trained for too! And I’m currently in actual marathon training.

               I’ve just also had to power through some without training

            2. Powering through untrained isn’t impressive.

   6. I developed a chronic illness. I’ve been gritting my way through every single day for a couple decades now. And you’ll be able to too, if you have to. Focus on taking running to the next level or whatever other new physical challenges you prefer and then just enjoy that you’re in a place where life is treating you well. Hard things will come soon enough.

      1. Yes, I should have acknowledged that I’m very lucky in that most of the hard things I’ve done have been self-inflicted and I recognize that that’s a huge privilege.

   7. Maybe variations on your current activities? I row with a team but I hate single and double sculls so that’s what I’d do for something hard. DH is much happier after switching from road marathons to trail ultra marathons. We downhill ski and sea kayak recreationally with our kids but lots of room for challenges in either of those for adults.

      You could start coaching or teaching something which is a different kind of challenging. Or learn a new language or an instrument.

      1. Sculling is the fun part! I didn’t get to scull until recently since high school and college were all sweeping, but I am happiest when out in a single … so maybe I should get back to sweeping for the challenge, haha

         I was volunteering with a learn to row which has been fun!

         My next trip is a backpacking trip in the Dolomites. I speak French and passable Spanish, so I’ve been working on picking up Italian but I could certainly take that more seriously.

   8. Do something completely out of your comfort zone. It doesn’t have to be a big thing but you can really push yourself by trying things you would normally say no to. If you specifically want to do something physical, I know people who trained to hike the Appalachian trail or the Camino de Santiago. That gives you something to work toward that is taxing in other ways.

      I am in a somewhat similar phase in my 40s but it’s more along the lines of I want to take a big step forward in my career so how do I do that for the next phase.

      1. I joke that the AT will be my first retirement project!

         I could probably push myself more in my career – I’ve been avoiding supervisory roles but perhaps when the hiring freeze is over I can look into taking on that challenge!

   9. Learn a new language, and I mean really learn it! Some languages are harder than others, and if you seek out opportunities to have conversations with native speakers, that’s a whole ‘nother level of hard. Plus it’s useful to both yourself and society in general.

   10. Idk why are you obsessed with punishing yourself?

       1. Seriously. And none of these things are outwardly helpful. When you’re not suffering, that’s life’s cue to figure out how to spend your effort doing something to help another along who is. Meaning to me hasn’t come from running or a Whole 30 diet. It’s the times I’ve extended myself from my comfort zone to pay it forward.

   11. As a former college athlete married to a vet, you are FAR from alone in feeling this way. It took both of us years to “settle” into “normal life”.

   12. Ski mountaineering might work for you.

   13. I suggest this only because OP’s post sounds like she’d like to be a mother: figure out how to have a kid and parent well. So many challenges and so much toughness is is necessary.

       1. I’ve been through this in therapy, and for now, I’m only interested in having a child with a partner. That might change, but that’s my current status.

          1. I’m a little older (nearing mid 40s) and try to remember life is cyclical. If you’re in an easy cycle right now, that’s okay. As others have said, challenges will come. If you want kids with a partner, work towards that. If you want to train for a marathon, go for it. I like volunteering when I feel like this. But it’s ok to just cruise too for a bit.

   14. I like to add the fun challenge of weather into my workouts – I workout outdoors in all weather unless its lightening or other truly unsafe weather. It brings me back to my college rowing days mentally and just feels more bad@ss to be out there in the rain or the cold.

       And I love the silent camaraderie with the other crazies out there in the 20F or what have you weather!

       1. +1.

   15. In terms of the worry about whether you would be able to step up, if shtf — What does your marathon training plan look like? The day before race day, are you doing an all-out sprint to your max long-run distance?
       Of course not – we build speed and endurance by pushing ourselves AND resting. And those rest days are just as much a part of the training plan as long run days. We avoid injuries by increasing mileage sensibly. *Peers sternly down my glasses* ahem, if you are one of those runners who makes up excuses to skip their rest days, knock it off. you know better.

       Maybe moral courage works the same way. Yeah, if you never push yourself, if you never choose what’s hard over what’s easy, you won’t be able to when it really matters – but you can still be building grit over time by consistently choosing the small right things, even if nothing is pushing you to your absolute limits right now.

   16. I don’t mean this to come out snarkily, but I can’t figure out a softer way to put it. But….find hard things to do. It sounds like learning embroidery isn’t the same as doing something hard/challenging for you.

       That said, the “hard things” you describe are not functional or sustainable (eg, pushing through exhaustion, worrying about money, etc.). So maybe un-learn the pleasures of suffering in those ways. But if you can’t or don’t want to, then you can always quit your job and live in an austere environment.

7. Just curious if this is common – my 9th grader joined the speech and debate team. I’m paying the fees now and PARENTS are required to agree to judge FOUR events on Saturday morning at 7 AM, or pay an extra $275. No wonder the school barely has a speech and debate team?

   oh and we need to do a background check too in order to do it.

   1. My daughter did club gymnastics for 9 years. Parents were required to work meets and fundraisers or pay hefty fees. We had to take Safe Sport training in order to work meets. We were not asked to judge, because that requires certification.

      I was never required to “volunteer” for any school-based activity she did after she left club gymnastics.

   2. I don’t know about parent’s agreeing to judge — that sounds like a resource issue (eg, there aren’t enough faculty to run the program and/or the school isn’t providng the financial support needed for judges). You pitch to the school or the school board to support the speech and debate team rather than rely on/demand parent labor.

      But it’s absolutely necessary and common to have to get a background check to work/volunteer with children.

   3. My son plays football and I’m helping at homecoming tomorrow and senior night and I think team dues were $700 + fundraising + I feel like I do some of the least amount of volunteering – like the high school touchdown club has a board and people work with the sponsors and arrange meals and transportation and I can commiserate with you but also shrug. Sorry

   4. I’d pay double to get out of that.

   5. Background check is unusual for speech and debate judging, but requiring people to judge isn’t. Many meets require teams provide judges or the registration fee goes from something nominal ($5/ entrant or thereabout) to much more. Where I coach, we source judges for our meet from the community but it’s a lot of arm twisting. Background check is a strange requirement because judges don’t really interact with participants and the events are open to audiences.

      1. I think settings where adults are interacting with children in any way are increasingly wanting to err on the side of caution. I wouldn’t take that as something like a red flag on this event. Conditions of participation like that are usually done broadly to be able to adapt to a variety of circumstances and use as a means of excluding folks.

         1. Backstage help for children’s theatre, sure. Do all the background checks. Judging a speech/debate event in a public place, with an audience of the public? That’s more like requiring a background check for every audience member of a school play.

      2. We require background check plus safe conduct training for any adult interacting with kids through any of our programs, in any way, shape or kind; even if it’s something very low risk, like the example of judging a debate contest or parents who come in to speak at career day (not 1:1s, but a panel speaking in front of a whole class with the teacher present the whole time).

         The reason isn’t that we really think there’s significant danger to kids in those situations but
         1) To remove as many individual judgment calls as possible. Policy is “everyone meets XYZ requirement”. People’s individual risk assessments have a bad track record in this space, so we don’t want to rely on them.
         2) Protects parents and volunteers as well – we don’t want to think “well, this position is unlikely to be 1:1 with a kid, so they don’t need training on our policies” and then put a volunteer unexpectedly into a position where they aren’t. “Overtraining” prevents that before it happens.
         3) Part of the training is how to recognize & report early warning signs of abuse. All else being equal, we want *more* adults to have this training. Maybe it’ll never come up in their interactions with our kids in our program, but they’ll use it in some other part of their life.
         4)Just as a practicality, insurance requires it. Not worth arguing with them.

         We do pay for the background checks and the training is online videos, so not that burdensome.

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