Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Whitney Wrap Top
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love a blouse with a little drama, and this wrap top from Frances Valentine is bringing just enough. For spring, I would pair this gorgeous orangey-red color with white or light gray trousers for the office. For the weekend, it would look great with a slip skirt and some sandals.
The top is $268 at Frances Valentine and comes in sizes XS-3X. It also comes in black, navy, oyster, and pink.
Sales of note for 4/17:
- Nordstrom – Beauty savings event, up to 25% off – nice price on Black Honey
- Ann Taylor – Cyber Spring! 50% off everything + free shipping
- Boden – 25% off everything (thru Sun, then 15% off)
- Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
- Evereve – 1000+ items on sale, including lots from Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
- Express – $29 dresses
- J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
- Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
- Loft – Friends & Family event, 50% off entire purchase + free shipping
- Macy's – 25% off already reduced prices + 15% off beauty & fragrance
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I love tops like this, paired with wide legged pants. Perfect for days that are meeting heavy where I don’t need a jacket.
I happen to be wearing a wrap top today – this article brought me joy!
Love this top! Need to find a dupe under $100.
+1!
There is a dress version that looks just as lovely.
not under $100 but modern citizen has things like this
Yes — I just got the Lillian top. It doesn’t have the wrap, so now I am thinking of ordering this one too!
Not a dupe, but Ann Taylor has some fun cotton poplin tops. I just got a cropped black one for more casual wear and a more dressy option that tucks in.
Belk maybe?
This is cute. I love the color, though it definitely does not love me!
Turning 40 this year in September and really struggling with feelings and how to celebrate. I’m not a big this is my birthday celebration person but this feels momentous. I did nothing special for my 30th and don’t want to regret not doing anything for my 40th. A lot of my current circle is younger than me and my actual school and college friends are far away. I don’t have kids, but all my friends both local and otherwise are with young kids and any idea that I think would be fun for me does not accommodate kids and I know most of them won’t come if they have to arrange for care for their kids. I thought of a trip that I invite some girlfriends to (don’t think more than 1 will show up, plus I don’t want to leave out my spouse)… but that seems logistically challenging. The one thing I know I absolutely don’t want to lose his wholesome big party in my own house with all the kids and all the people!! please help I’m really struggling and really need to mail down a plan ASAP.
A big adults-only dinner at a local restaurant so it’s easier for friends to line up childcare?
I hope you find a good option! I turned 40 during Covid summer, and I’m still a little bummed that I didn’t get to celebrate, even though I’m not a huge birthday person.
+1. If you want an adult party with your friends this sounds like the way to go.
I took my 40th birthday off from work and spent a day doing exactly what I wanted by myself. It felt surprisingly momentous and delightful–sort of like saying 40 is old enough that it’s fine spend time the way I want to without doing the work of getting buy in from anyone else. (We had cake as a family later. I am not a big party person.)
Happy birthday!
+1 – I took a Friday off to spend solo in a big city and spent the day going shopping, to the spa, and then ordering room service and enjoying silly movies in bed. I celebrated with others at a larger dinner the next night (we hosted a few other couples and their kids plus immediate family at a nice but not uber fancy restaurant).
For my husband’s 40th he wanted a big party so we rented out a room at a local brewery and had family style food served and an open bar for 3 hours.
I am also 40 in sept! My best friend just turned 40 and her husband surprised her with an adults only dinner at a very fancy restaurant for her 4 closest friends + spouses. It was such a fun evening and very feasible to arrange childcare for a dinner.
I understand the struggle of wanting a party with adult friends and also feeling like no one can or will make it a priority and make it happen. I also actually want someone else to plan a birthday party that would be fun. So far, I’ve accomplished neither of these things.
The best that I’ve done is taken a trip with DH for my birthday, and we have had a lot of fun doing that. So I really recommend it. And book it now. Where would you like to go that’s a bit splurgy and would be what you consider fun? Book it.
This, plus maybe a smaller dinner with friends, sounds like a lovely way to go.
I’m also not a huge birthday person, but we took a trip for mine, and it was the best thing. I turned 40 last year, and we took a trip to the Scottish highlands. I felt so special and loved and relaxed.
This year my spouse turned 40, and we took a trip to northern Spain. It was a great trip, and we’ve discussed taking a bigger trip as we turn 45. It’s been a really nice new tradition.
Spa day and fancy dinner out for you and your girlfriends – their partners can be on kid duty. Do something separate with your husband – maybe a fancy weekend away?
For my 40th (also in Sept.) DH and I took a 10 day trip to the south of France. 1000% recommend a trip to commemorate.
What about a really fancy ($500 per person tasting menu, Michelin-starred) dinner and night with your husband? You could even invite another couple to dinner (if you’re comfortable paying for everyone). If there aren’t any restaurants like that in your town, you could fly somewhere for the weekend. Flying to a city just to go to a particular restaurant feels very special to me.
I have always thrown myself a dinner party at a restaurant for big milestones and never once regretted it. It takes the planning and difficulty out of the mix. Get a private room, adults only so it’s fun (friends with kids can get a sitter for a few hours), and feel free to add special touches if you like. I’ve done favors for guests, I always do place cards and am thoughtful about seating, and I bring in flowers to dress up the table. It’s so much fun having a party with all the people you choose.
My friend group also does the private room at a restaurant for milestone birthdays. Highly recommend. I mean this in a positive way – but it is the adult birthday party planning equivalent of just having a kids bday at the zoo, or another party-in-a-box location.
Yep. I also think it’s the best way to celebrate as it’s distinguishable from a trip. You’re probably taking a trip anyway but you’re probably not routinely throwing a dinner party at a restaurant.
Yeah, I have been doing this as well. Rent a private room or deck, pick the menu and wine, and carry the cost yourself so people don’t need to worry about the spend.
What about a bucket list trip, or a relaxing resort trip? Something extra special.
a) plan a trip away for you and your husband, preferably learning something new together like scuba diving. this is my favorite way to spend birthdays generally but especially milestones.
b) if you can swing it with girlfriends do a spa trip for 1-2 nights. spas are more fun with girlfriends because of all the amenities in the women’s bathrooms like the soaking tubs and aromatherapy showers and so forth. canyon ranch, etc. good time to reconnect with the people who feel like sisters even if you don’t see them often.
party depends on what you want. sit down dinner, bar night, or a weekend (kid-friendly) picnic would all be great. doesn’t need to be legen… dary. just a time to catch up with people.
I would do a trip with your spouse.
My friend group of mid 40s suburban moms have decided we’re just planning our own parties, inviting who we want, and getting over our hang-ups about who will show up or not. One friend is planning a scavenger hunt, another is working out details of a karaoke/singalong at a fun venue, someone else did a private yoga class and post-class reception, and another one a pasta making class followed by pasta dinner with drinks. I personally really like an activity – esp since some don’t drink now, it’s fun to be doing something.
That being said, I cosign that planning an adults only restaurant event should be totally OK – parents can get a sitter. No need for you to host at home or include kids.
A trip with your spouse sounds like the best fit given the constraints you’ve mentioned.
Honestly, if they won’t arrange childcare to go to a party to celebrate a milestone event for you are bad friends.
Or they just have different values than you.
I’m older than OP and don’t even recall what I did for any of my own “milestone” birthdays, beyond making a DMV appointment to get my license when I turned 16. Probably had cake with my family, maybe went for dinner, but birthdays are not really our thing and get eclipsed by other activities all the time for us.
Private room at a restaurant. Send out invitations super early, even if it means the party occurs weeks after your actual birthday. That way your friends have time to plan for childcare, whether it is sending only one parent or hiring a babysitter.
As someone who is childless not by choice and who spends a LOT of time hanging with my friends with their kids I’d say: have the party you want and seriously reevaluate your friendships with the ones who couidnt be bothered to get one night of childcare to celebrate you.
Agreed! OP, if you’re worried that you’re not taking the feelings and needs of your friends w/ kids into account, no need. I’m a mom (of grown kids now), and I would absolutely have been happy to get childcare to attend a friend’s big birthday.
I’m also a “trip with spouse” person. My big bucket list trip for my 40th was South Africa (safari + Cape Town) but that was a few months after my actual birthday for various reasons. My birthday is in May which is a really tough time of year to get away on a big trip if you have kids (Maycember iykyk). So on my actual birthday we did a short staycation in the city with fine dining and a spa day. It was lovely and it ended up feeling really important to me to be doing something celebratory on my actual 40th, more than I had expected it to be. We now plan to apply this idea to all future milestone birthdays: mini-moon type celebration on the day of and then the big bucket list trip later in the year.
For my 40th, I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant with my husband and another couple we are close with. We went to a restaurant in a nearby town that is upscale and feels like a destination. We dressed up just a touch, and it felt very festive and fun. I recommend that option if you want something easy, where you don’t have to worry about a lot of people turning you down. (We don’t actually go out to dinner at nice places a lot, so it felt special to me, but I’m sure it could vary depending on your lifestyle.)
If you think people won’t come due to childcare, do you have a house/apartment with a big enough yard or meeting room? I’d just lean into a family friendly event, but focus on your favorite food. In California, you can hire a great taco stand that will cook in your yard, but I imagine there are food trucks elsewhere. You can also hire bartender services. I’d have a crazy, big BBQ, that allows families. Put some kind of game/craft area in a corner for the kids, and enjoy it as a family event. Kids love dressing up, so you could get people into party hats and necklaces. Or get a DJ, again kids can get other people dancing here.
I’ve been at my role 9 months as a baby associate attorney at a small firm. I’m assigned cases and my boss is pleased with my work product, but he has called me in for communication problems. It’s an intense work environment, and I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. Every day I dread coming into work. There’s no other baby attorney to befriend. Advice?
Are the communication issues legit and did your boss provide any guidance about what you can improve?
They are legit. I’m assigned to the name partner’s caseload, and he wants immediate text communication when there is any movement on our cases. I had been saving all my communications for in-person mid-day or e-mail. Nope. He wants a text (I was taught to not be on my phone in my internships!). I’ve been working hard to fix this.
Wow, that seems like … a lot? I don’t think you need to take this on as having a communication problem. It sounds like your boss has a strong preference (which sounds crazy, and I wouldn’t blame you for deciding that you don’t want to work like that).
If he didn’t make his expectation re: text communication clear to you up front, then that’s on him. Don’t beat yourself up for not reading his mind. Immediate text updates on all case movement isn’t typical and what you were doing wasn’t unreasonable, even if it wasn’t what he wanted. (I would lose my mind if my associates did that.) Communicate in the way that he wants moving forward and see how it goes. Being a new associate is tough. The fact that it’s tough doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for it. Hang in there.
Sounds like you have helpful feedback and that this isn’t really a communication problem just a style adjustment.
It does sound like a lot, and I think it is fair for you to consider whether this is a dealbreaker or not.
So much of being a baby or junior lawyer is learning and adapting to how the executive functioning systems (or lack thereof, a lot of trial lawyers have some flavor of ADHD) of the lawyers you are working for. Whether you are working for internal clients or external clients, think of it as you are the service provider. Some want one update once a week and 15 emails through the day is annoying, others are the exact opposite. Some would rather talk on the phone, others are ok with text messages. The person you are working for has a particular style of working that you need to adapt to or at least work within.
This. Think of yourself as a waiter. If the want coffee, no sugar, then that’s what they want.
Don’t panic. You’re getting helpful feedback, I hope. Has he said specifically what he needs you to do differently?
Yes. See above.
it may not be for you. these are the things you learn at a first job! but it also may be for you and it’s just an adjustment to be working! What kind of communication problems? is this just constructive feedback or do you think they think it’s substantive or important. What do you like about your job? would you be happy somewhere bigger? I’m 50 years old and have been practicing over 25 years and i know that i need a friend at work, like a peer. Maybe you need that too– do you like the legal piece? does your school have a career center, is there someone who could talk you through it there?
I do think it’s constructive feedback — I was communicating for passively and he wants an immediate, active communication style from me. I like the area of law. I like the substantive work. I do need work friends though and have befriended the support staff. The other attorneys are busier than me, have all worked together for 5+ years, and aren’t the “let’s chit chat” types, so it’s been trying. I’m very jealous of bigger firms with designated support.
Hmm, nothing against support staff, and I’m all in favor of maintaining friendly relationships with them, but you shouldn’t just be thinking of yourself as a baby who can’t have relationships with other attorneys. I know it’s common slang, but it’s also infantilizing and it seems to have gotten into your head that they’re not your peers. If they’re really all so senior that they can’t be peers, is there anyone who can be an informal mentor? Or can you befriend junior people (not babies!) at other firms? Law school classmates?
Thankfully I have a very strong friend group from law school whom I love and see regularly. I appreciate your comment about infantilizing and being in my head. Ty!
Start communicating the way he wants you to. I have to admit to thinking junior people don’t escalate issues soon enough so I can see this as a broader issue and think it’s good advice. Befriend the 5+ year lawyers too – those are your first network not support staff. No one wants to just chit chat but figure out how to break in, hit up a happy hour and seek constructive work advice during the day.
So there’s no right or wrong here unless you want to stay at this firm and insist on not adapting to the partner’s communication request.
Having been the senior here, my issue was that juniors were unable to distinguish between things that could or could not wait a day, and so more frequent communications were needed.
if you’re the only baby you were probably a “help we’re swamped” hire and everyone you work with is struggling to learn to delegate. don’t take anything too personally, this is an adjustment for everyone. try to roll with the punches and adjust course as needed.
try to keep really good notes for yourself on what the procedures are for each type of case. keep excellent notes on where each matter is — not just the project in front of you but the arc of the case over all. numbers, names, notes on conversations. keep copies of major filings or other docs in a way that you can flag things for yourself to find quickly, whether printed out with tapeflags or bookmarked in an online way.
start looking for mentors outside your current firm (but also try to befriend the people inside your firm!). look to your alumni groups first but start thinking about it when you go to networking events for associations or CLEs for your area of practice.
I appreciate this comment. I’ve been told I was a “help, we’re swamped” hire, so it’s a good reminder. This is coming to a head because I went to a local bar event last night and was told “oof, that’s an intense place” by someone who left my area of law and knows my firm. My firm has a very methodical system for keeping up my our cases, so I’ve been relying on that heavily in my meetings.
How long have you been there? Apply to a larger firm.
9 months.
It takes longer than that to really feel settled in to a new firm. You’ll get there.
Don’t panic! It took about 18 months before I had a project assigned that I had done before. Everything else is a learning curve.
Can someone help me out with what the expectation is for gifts at an engagement party? They weren’t a thing when my friends and I were getting married thirty-ish years ago, at least not in my social circles, and somehow I have made it to my 50s without ever attending one! The groom-to-be is our godson. We’re in a LCOL midwestern city. It will be a fairly casual event. I haven’t gotten to figuring out amounts yet, but we will give a generous gift for the wedding itself. I’m just not sure what I need to do for the party. Thanks!
In my circle (also small-town Midwest), engagement parties are not a gift-giving event unless it is explicitly stated that they are in lieu of a later bridal shower.
do they have a registry? that’s easiest…. IME people get their registry at the preliminary events and checks for the wedding. Do you like him and his intended, i think a really nice dinner for the four of you is a nice present.
I think if you don’t know, and it fits the bride and groom, you can’t go wrong with a nice bottle of champagne and a cheers/congratulations card.
Northeast here and engagement parties aren’t usually a gifting occasion, it’s more to celebrate the couple and let friends/family on both sides meet. If you do bring a gift, a bottle of champagne, or something celebratory (ring holder, champagne flutes, mongrammed kitchen towels/stationary, etc.) would be my suggestion – $50 or under for sure.
For the love, do not give champagne flutes. Any of my friends who have gotten married in the past ten years receive 4-6 sets of wildly different champagne flutes. Do not do it!
IME, yes gifts for engagement parties bjt there usually isn’t a registry yet which makes it tricky.
FWIW, my parents (married 36 years today!) had one thrown by my mom’s BFF’s mom so they’re not necessarily new.
Thanks – this is really helpful!
These aren’t new, but aren’t big gifts either. I’ve done champagne along with everyone else so now I send along a houseplant ahead of time or a vase or something small but more keepsake (ring dishes also got overdone at some point). I also think you can never go wrong with a silver picture frame.
i would send my best friends a bottle of nice champagne when they got engaged but for a random engagement party i think a nice bottle of wine or niceish bottle of champagne is fine.
here where you’re clearly a friend of the family if you have something that might be relevant for their wedding and a family tradition it might be nice to bring something along those lines. pennies/something blue comes to mind but depends on circumstances/how you know the family. don’t be offended if they don’t incorporate it at the end but it makes a nice engagement gift.
Ooh, that’s a lovely idea! Thanks.
Decorating advice wanted.
We’re due for a kitchen refresh. When we bought our house almost 15 years ago, we got a beautiful house with a kitchen that had been renovated reasonably recently with really high quality finishes. However… it’s just not my taste. It’s currently earth toned almost Tuscan vibes and my tone is more beach-y cottage.
What’s staying is ivory cabinets, granite counters with a lot of variation in tones of brown/tan/cream/grey, and a grey/brown tiled floor. We’re currently considering redoing a backsplash with Zellige tiles in a cream (including bringing the tiles up to the ceiling around the windows), but are looking for options for lighting, cabinet pulls, and whatever other decor would help me hate it less. Appliances are stainless but would gold toned pulls possibly be an option?
If you’ve done something like this, would love to hear what made the most impactful changes – again, it’s nice quality finishes so it’s been hard to justify changing it (hence 15 years of me eye rolling at my backsplash before I actually move to change it).
I’m worried you’re going to end up with a half-modern half-Tuscan monster unless you include painting the cabinets white and replacing the counter.
Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of… The cabinets are looking a bit yellowed, but I would hire somebody to refinish them because it’s a factory finished off-white.
Yes, redo the cabinets, that is the biggest bang for the buck in a kitchen and the most obviously dated if you don’t. If you skip this, it renders all the rest of your changes meaningless.
no one is going to like this advice but try chatgpt or an AI design app, if you upload pictures i think it can give you ideas.
I’m generally anti-AI but I think this is the perfect use case. Keep in mind that AI shows perfect bright lighting. Your kitchen will be dimmer than whatever AI spits out.
Hardware, backsplash, light fixtures, window treatments, and bar stools have a big impact. Pulls are more current than knobs. Avoid gold and black hardware though- they’ll look out of place with an older kitchen.
Without doing a major renovation, we were able to de-Tuscan to mid-century modern inspired, as that is also warm tones and we still had wood grain cabinets. I tried to go to cool tons but unless I ripped out all the tile/counters it kept clashing no matter how many samples I ordered. Biggest impact was switching out the lighting with Danish style pendant lights. We have stainless appliances and opted for a more patinaed brass (over gold) for the pulls.
+1 to brass over gold.
The amazing designer I used for our house is $150 per hour if you want to give him a try? He is a color genius. Post a burner and I’ll send you his info.
Maria Killam will do a virtual consult, this sounds like what you need.
We did a kitchen refresh on a 2003 kitchen in 2020. It really needed a new layout, and we were able to move cabinets and appliances around to accomplish most of that. We kept maple-stained cabinets, uba tuba countertops, a white porcelain sink, and stainless appliances. We painted, changed lighting, purchased a new vent hood, updated the back splash, and updated the cabinet hardware.
The floor was a peachy tile. We weren’t planning to replace it, but we had to because we relocated a pantry, and the subfloor was exposed when we removed the old pantry wall (and there was no way to fill in the gap).
I grew up in a house where I was treated very coldly and was frequently subjected to my mother’s mercurial moods – think things like saying “good morning” and being greeted with frosty silence for no apparent reason, and worse. As a result, I’ve strongly prioritized having a warm, loving household of my own. Normally we do have that and my husband’s lovable grumpiness in the morning (which doesn’t have that unpredictable undertone) doesn’t bother me. However, now that we have a kid and I’m more sleep-deprived and stressed, I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling triggered, for lack of a better word, if he’s particularly grumpy or edgy in the morning, which happens more often because he is also not getting enough sleep. It can now remind me of what it was like when I grew up and it causes a feeling of stress and anxiety. Then I shut down and become less friendly myself, which obviously isn’t helping anything.
I’m not sure how to handle this – is this completely a “me problem” because of my past history, therefore on me to solve via therapy or some other approach, or is it reasonable to ask him to try harder to be warm/friendly, even when he’s tired? I ask you to trust me when I say that his level of grumpiness on these mornings would likely annoy *most people* to some degree (this isn’t just me WILDLY overreacting to nothing), but I doubt it would cause acute stress or anxiety in anyone without a negative history of cold family dynamics. Any advice?
Are you the same person with an unstable boss?
What prompted this question? I didn’t think they were the same.
The writing style and diction are very similar
Why would it matter to you either way?
It’s a pattern with a common denominator which means the advice changes
I think there are a few steps to take here:
1.) Get linked up with a therapist for yourself to begin to unpack the trauma you are carrying;
2.) Have a peaceful, productive conversation with your spouse about how you are feeling with identified, proposed steps for each of you take together; and
3.) If No. 2 doesn’t achieve the best result, consider couples counseling.
We’re also in the young child phase and have been through something similar. The only other thing I would recommend is trying to remember that you’re both doing your best. It is so hard in the early years.
small kid age is hard. i hate to say love languages but consider small things that help you feel warm and loved even if he’s being gruff and grumpy (and your child). a hug or kiss hello can go a long way towards keeping daily relationships at a good level.
agree on therapy for yourself. make sure your husband knows where you’re coming from.
+1. Tell him if there’s a small action he can take, like when you say good morning he needs to say it back. Figure out how to make morning tasks easier. Get a coffee maker with a timer, put breakfast supplies on the counter the night before, etc.
On the flip side, you can’t ask someone to feel chipper the second they wake up. Are your actions irritating him further? Maybe he prefers a no chit chat rule until he’s had his coffee. If you’re still anxious it’s time for individual therapy.
OP here and one thing that I know irritates him further – we have a small kitchen and he believes that two people truly cannot be in it at the same time. I’m more of the mindset of “let’s be courteous and try to take turns but it’s not always possible to have one person in there at once when we have a baby.” As an example, the last time this happened, I quickly ran in there to pour a cup of coffee and slurp it down while the baby was already rustling on the monitor (took 15-20 seconds) and he was obviously irritated that I had to say “excuse me” and step around him to reach it. That makes me feel unwelcome/like a nuisance when I feel that I’m trying to be considerate by grabbing it as quickly as I can and then leaving to grab the baby.
we call that the “1 butt kitchen” and I’m the one more annoyed than my husband — can you move the coffee maker to a more accessible area?
(but it does sound very grumpy/AH of him)
this example changes how I feel about the entire situation – from reasonable-grumpy to ridiculous-grumpy.
Ok, but it probably passes in like 15 seconds. I’m not sure how therapy can help with this, because my instinct is to actively ignore it (because, again, it goes away in 15 seconds.) If you dwell on feelings of being “unwelcome/like a nuisance” you will always feel tension. He doesn’t want that for you, and I know you don’t want that for you. Sometimes you have to take active control over your mindset.
I guess script: Him: “huff” You: (internally–eff off, it’ll take me 10 seconds and we can both get over it.)
If this behavior is limited to mornings it’s easier to address the logistics than change his attitude. DH and I have separate zones to avoid overlap. One area has his coffee gear and breakfast items while my stuff is in a different location. Q-tips are on the edge of the vanity so he doesn’t drip over my makeup zone post-shower. Obviously stuff comes up but I bet these traffic jams are preventable.
Yeah, I admit I do need to work on my mindset and I’ve been trying things like “this is your husband, not your mom, and he doesn’t act like she did” but I honestly find it really hard. I think I find it especially hard if it’s been a rough night with the baby, I’m prepared to laugh it off and make the best of it (and be “in the trenches together,”), but then he doesn’t meet me halfway. It takes me longer than it should to shake off those little negative interactions and not let them set the tone for the whole day.
I don’t have kids and haven’t lived this life stage.
I am an early morning person who has usually had 2 cups of coffee, a workout, and a shower before DH wakes up and I’m super chipper in the morning. DH is a night owl who hates mornings, does not want to talk, and does his best to just exist until noon. We both WFH full time.
What has worked for us is that we have a big hug when he comes out of the bedroom along with a “good morning” greeting and all other communication waits until he has engaged in life.
I also think that some therapy could help you tamp down that gut emotional response. I also think DH can make an effort to moderate his responses. I know from my friends that kids can be very hard on a marriage and not addressing these things early creates hurt, resentment, etc that may not be overcome later on.
One thing I emphasize with my kids is ‘all feelings are ok, but it’s not ok to take out your feelings on someone else’. I think this is a reasonable bar to set with your husband. You’re not asking him to be chipper and super ‘on’ first thing in the morning but he doesn’t get to growl/snap/snipe at you either.
It’s also ok to verbalize his feelings (I’m the crabby morning person in our house) and will say things like ‘Mom is really tired this morning and isn’t feeling like talking. Would you like to read a book/listen to music/play with toys while I get breakfast ready?’
Talk to him and really get into your history. Do it again even if you already have. This is a communication with your spouse issue.
OP here and I have done that multiple times (and he, normally a very mild-mannered person, got very visibly angry the first year he met my mother and saw how she treated me – so there is no disbelief there). Lasting change seems hard, though. I know neither of us is feeling that equipped to really improve ourselves with the sleep deprivation but I think we need to try something.
Possibility 1: could you both pick 3 non negotiables and agree that you are going to do whatever it takes to make that happen – like if the kitchen thing is super important to your husband, maybe you do move the coffee maker/set up a schedule where you both have a locked in 15 minutes for kitchen stuff. For you, even if your husband isn’t a morning person, maybe you need him to tell you every morning, “I love you and I’m so glad I’m with you”.
Possibility 2: Hormones after a newborn do weird things, for both men & women. Any chance either/both of you are more irritable even aside from the sleep deprivation than normal/would benefit from checking in with your PCP
Possibility 3: sleep deprivation ideas – would something like setting up a futon in your office and getting each parent a dedicated 1 night per week of true uninterrupted sleep possibly help?
For yourself, I would also not be surprised if maybe having a kid is bringing some of the pain of your childhood back to the surface/everything feels a little raw. There’s the sleep deprivation; but there can also be the “I love this kid so much, I could never imagine ignoring her good morning, wait, why did my mom…” pain. Be gentle with yourself too. (If therapy helps, go for it; but if it’s one more thing on your to do list, maybe wait 6 months and reevaluate?)
+1 make a coffee station in the dining room so you don’t have to fight for the kitchen.
Sometimes there is too much communication, and your advice reeks of that. It doesn’t sound like he’s really a problem, more the OP is asking how to minimize the impact on her, and if possible, get him to chill out a bit.
I also grew up with a traumatic mother and sometimes my husband has inadvertently done things that are triggering because they resemble something she used to do or trigger a hurtful memory. It has helped to get specific in telling him how his behavior mirrors a particular behavior of my mother’s or a memory related to her. Somehow that really helps him understand and then he’s great about stopping that behavior.
I think this is fine to do sometimes. We all have to accommodate stuff re our spouses. But we also can’t put the burden on our spouse to modify their behavior to minimize every emotional response we have. That isn’t reasonable.
In a relationship, everything is a “me problem” and a “you problem” because it’s a two-way street, right? I think it’s worth talking about these issues together (sit down and discuss it during a non-stressful time of day and start with a gentle tone of voice if you can for best results). But realistically, I also think that sometimes even when the other person cares and understands, they might be able to adjust only so much. Some people are not morning people. And if a baby is keeping them up (and you as well!) they might have even more of an “UGH” factor when they get up in the morning. We can influence people to a degree, but not change them without a lot of repeated effort usually. If he is acting annoyed because you stepped in front of him to get coffee, try to shrug it off or make a joke. It’s like bumper cars in here! I know it’s all the more difficult when you have a baby and everyone’s nerves are frayed. But sometimes it helps to work around the other person rather than try to change them.
There was a good episode of Mel Robbins recently which talked about how we have our unfinished childhood problems show up in our adult intimate relationships. Highly recommend a listen! The guest speaker gave practical tips on how to improve communication to address situations like you described.
It was January- guest was named Terry Real.
Suggestions for the best and most economical place to get online Zepbound? (Not interested in comments on whether or not to use it; it’s something I’ve decided I need, and my PCP is supportive.) Thanks.
Do you mean to get the medication itself or the prescription? The best place to get the medication if you don’t have any insurance coverage for it is Lilly Direct. If you do have insurance coverage, or if you’re open to compounded versions, I’m not sure. Regardless, I would check out the Zepbound reddit to see what everyone is currently recommending for what you need. It’s a great resource.
LilyDirect
Is there a reason your doctor did not prescribe it? Is it not covered by insurance and so it will be cheaper online? (Not a judgment, trying to understand)
It’s not covered by insurance for weight loss and other problems, only for diabetes (which I don’t have). So it will be cheaper online but not exactly cheap …
Amazon with a Rx. Ro is reasonable if you need a Rx. And congrats, it’s amazing.
Are you looking for actual Zepbound, or a compounding pharmacy dupe? If the former, then Lilly Direct is really the way to go. I don’t think anywhere else has it cheaper, and places like Ro include a membership fee. Note that Lilly now makes its pen available at the same price as the vials with hypodermic needles, so that’s nice. (Though I haven’t found the vials difficult.) I don’t have any good recs for compounding, other than to consider doing Lilly Direct instead unless the money is really an issue – then you certainly know what you’re getting. And congrats on starting Zepbound! I’m two months in and it’s been a game changer.
I use LavenderSky health for Zepbound. Started in September 2025 and am now up to 7.5mg. It is very easy and straightforward and does not require a subscription to the site. Cost-wise it is less expensive than Ro as I only have to pay the “consultation” fee ($65) and prescription renewal fee ($35) once every 6 months or if I want to request a higher dosage.
The medication cost itself is what it is ($449 for 4 vials of 7.5mg through LilyDirect); the major difference is how much the particular service charges for providing the prescription.
Thanks, everyone.
Attorneys, how do you feel about people who are joining US Attorneys offices now?
Depends on the person. If the question is if I judge them to automatically be part of team maga, no I don’t. But if that’s the question then congratulations to the administration on successfully messaging that and making these jobs that only people firmly on his team will apply for and therefore extending his influence far beyond the term. If anything I think we should all collectively encourage more people to apply to these jobs who aren’t supportive of maga
i was just reading that a lot of military lawyers are being staffed there now and they’ve never even practiced in federal court
Extremely poor judgment or desperate.
Candidly, I feel very sceptical about anyone joining the administration now. I feel joining DOJ is way worse than joining a US Attorney’s office. (Although, US Attorneys are now being directed to to bring politically motivated cases on an unprecedented level). But since this administration hires for loyalty above all else, I would question the attorney’s credentials if I didn’t know them. That said, I realize my assumptions may be unfair on a personal level because people still need to make a living and real crimes do need to be prosecuted.
Has anyone pursued a second career as a therapist? Currently in house as a lawyer and feel like I’ve always been very good at active listening but the masters seems expensive for a second career.
My husband is about to graduate from a therapy program. We met in law school and graduated during the Great Recession. He worked as a lawyer for few years until our youngest was born (premature, ASD) because I’ve always had the big legal job. Once our youngest was in a place where he did not need as much support, he decided to go back to work. Once he was practicing again, he knew that working as a lawyer long term was not for him and decided to go back to school. He loves the curriculum and has already secured a great job. In terms of cost, his program is typically 3 years since people are also working, but he did it in 2 full time. That made it pretty doable for us. I recommend talking to your therapist as a first step in exploring whether or not it is for you!
I did half of a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy some years ago, and now that I’m retired I wish I’d finished it so I could practice now. Also my daugher is a therapist so I’ve watched her journey.
Anyway… Being a therapist has some of the same drawbacks as being a lawyer: To go into private practice means you will be a small business owner (although a therapist doesn’t need as much — or even any — support staff). Working for a larger institution has its own drawbacks (as in, private rehab centers are pretty scammy, government therapists are overworked). The master’s degree can be expensive if you go to a private institution and getting licensed is time consuming because you have to have a ton of hours.
If you are very entrepreneurial you can do well but I don’t think you can count on making the money you can make in law.
+1 to being a small business owner; that is a hurdle. You have fixed costs for rent, IT, at least one staff member. If you don’t take insurance, you don’t have a person to deal with that (but, consider how that affects patients — it will filter them towards the well-to-do). But you can’t not pay these bills. Your revenue may vary wildly. Your expenses will be there, funds or no. Even if you just rent an office suite, that’s still a fixed obligation. Think about how you’d manage HIPAA.
A good friend of mine opened her own therapy practice in her 40s. She made over $100,000 in revenue her first year, just working part-time hours. It’s a lot easier these days to start your own therapy practice with different platforms you can join like Alma that handle insurance for you and help you get a pipeline of patients, and you can rent a room in a flexible workplace solutions type office for a reasonable amount and have IT all set up for you. She even hired another long-time therapist to coach her since she was a solo business and had a lot to learn, so support is available if you are open to it. I think it’s actually a good business to be in these days. I don’t know about the master’s program and how hard/costly that is.
Revenue or profit? You have bills to pay: malpractice insurance, a lot more in the way of taxes if you are self-employed, etc. Also: think of the hours you want to work and who the patients are if you are having a hard stop at 5. You can only book so many people into their lunch hour.
Laughing so hard.. a former friend was in an article about how she was dating her boss, and it made everyone super uncomfortable. She’s always been a messy b!tch who hooked up with people she worked with. (Heard she was part of a mass exodus recently because of Trump stuff, so I was curious where she ended up.)
With friends like you who needs enemies :)
Crowd sourcing; I have to take three red eyes to Europe from Canada in the next 10 weeks and would love any recommendations for the absolute best travel pillows.
paying to upgrade to premium+, tbh. The extra couple inches of angle of recline make a huge difference.
I feel the opposite. Business is very worth it if you can swing it, but premium economy is a lot of extra money for a seat that’s still upright and doesn’t allow me to sleep any better than regular economy.
Not sure about Canada, but travel to and from US-Europe is waaay down, I’ve been getting business upgrades left and right this past year and I don’t have super high level status. Those upgrades aren’t free but are much less than the cash price of the ticket.
We don’t have any status, unfortunately. But I will take Premium if I can get it if it removes strangers from the row and helps my husband who is 6’7″. We just flew Premium on United within North America and it was cheap and game changer.
If you’re ticketed in premium economy and on the waiting list for a business upgrade, you’re ahead of almost everyone with status who’s ticketed in economy.
At least that’s how it works on United. Only Global Services gets to skip ahead of people ticketed in premium economy.
Agreed, I always upgrade if I can but frequently we cannot because of the nature of the tickets (booked through a giant military bureaucracy), I have had mixed success in the past. Two of these trips will also be accompanied by kids and the third will be all 7 of us so up-grades may not be financially feasible but I am really prepared to stretch. So fingers crossed!
Get the Turtle. it looks odd but the only way I can sleep. It is a hard plastic shell that holds your neck up vertically.
Thanks!
I tried a bunch of the popular ones recommended in all the “best of” lists online and the one that worked best for me is Cabeau Evolution
For neck support while drowsing, I like an inflatable neck half donut that is flat at the back of the neck. It supports your neck well while leaning mostly backwards.
For comfort, a small/low down pillow with a real pillowcase.
I have a terrible time sleeping/being comfortable on flights. I agree with upgrading to have a touch more room/reclining angle.
The pillow that worked best for me was the Wirecutter top rec. Travelrest Nest – has really great support, which was very helpful. Few travel pillows feel this great just to have on.
https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-travel-pillow/
For those of you who have made the leap to concierge medicine, how is it? Do you just get to get in easier or do you have a doctor who will spend more time with you and talk more holistically about problems that are all interwoven? DH has been driving > 1 hour to his doctor, who he really likes, but he is becoming more complex as he gets older and feeling like he is ashamed of all that is going wrong, so mentions maybe 1/4 of what is going on (maybe because visits are so short)? Moving closer to our house, especially over the next 10 years, will likely make it easier to fix things (like: can’t sleep, GI issues that are probably IBS-D or some sort of gall bladder issue, cholesterol, weight, snoring that really sounds like he is dying, sleeping meds leading him to ambien-eat to 40 extra pounds, needs a hearing aid but won’t get one). If his doctor were closer, I’d also go to appointments with him because 1) I can hear and 2) I’m getting a bit impatient at him not addressing problems and know he will just wreck his health permanently if he keeps this going. IDK how to fix it but the long distance doc you’re not really honest with isn’t helping.
Would his doctor do telemedicine for some things?
+1
When my long term primary care physician decided to go concierge, I reluctantly joined. I had just received a diagnosis of a serious, permanent, degenerative health condition, and there was a serious shortage of primary care providers in my area who were accepting new patients, so I overcame my objections. It has been a great experience. I have always been seen as”day of” when needed. My doctor has researched specialists who match my exact needs, not just pulling from the “same hospital” list. My annual physical involves about an hour of testing/labs, and then a physical and appointment to go over lab results. All my results are charted against previous results with comparison to norms. I think I am receiving significantly better care than before my doctor was concierge and the annual fee ($2000) is money well spent for me. It bothers me that our health care system is broken and that I benefit from economic disparity, but I really feel the advantages. Counter: my husband is with a different concierge practice, and there is zero difference from how things operated before the doctor went concierge.
No experience with concierge, but I think an excellent, accessible primary care doctor is really important. I would prioritize getting good care over a lot of other things.
Direct care was the only way I finally got diagnosed correctly (since he took the time to look over my entire medical history and family history, ordered the right tests, and referred me to the right specialists with thoughtful referrals instead of just dumping me on an annoyed specialist with minimal context). I think any previous doctor could have figured things out if they’d had the time, but they literally did not have the time! But my diagnosis was a rare disease, and I’d already been tested for the low hanging fruit. It kind of sounds like he just needs a doctor who is nearer by? Is the issue that the only doctors taking patients near you are concierge practices?
I agree with trying to see the PCP via telehealth, and see if you can be there for an appointment or two. Encourage your husband to prepare questions written down so he doesn’t forget to ask.
I also think you are hoping for too much from a PCP. I would find a Sleep MD / Specialist closer to home, and try to figure out if he has sleep apnea and clean up his sleep hygiene and get off the ambien under the sleep specialists guidance. That sleep situation could be underlying most of his problems. Sometimes expecting a PCP to manage more complex problems is unrealistic. I mean, is the PCP not noticing he gained 40lbs after the ?PCP prescribed him Ambien? Or perhaps it is more layered, but again – sometimes a specialist is more helpful. Unfortunately sleep specialists can be hard to get in with too.
Sure, concierge can be great if your medical situation is complex, or you have a lot of medical anxiety, or need a lot of talking time, and if there are just no PCPs near you that are decent. Ideally you need a concierge that his hooked in with the medical system that your insurance covers for specialists / hospitalizations because one of the PCP’s main job is referring you out when needed. But if your husband really likes his current PCP (why?), it may be hard to get him to change.
I’ve had family members who late in life had concierge docs because they were very frail with a ton of medical issues, and being able to call a doctor on a Saturday helped keep them out of the ER. The landscape is quickly changing and there are more and more docs moving concierge around me – PCP, OB/Gyn, Women’s health and even pediatrics.
Can you research doctors who are located nearby so it’s easier for him to visit? My husband had pretty lackluster care and moving to a new doctor who had trained more recently really helped. Not concierge, just a new set of eyes.
If you are an engineer (especially a mechanical engineer), did you feel like your college was better for women in that field (or that there are good college for women to go to for this) or does it matter? I feel like I keep reading how while the hard sciences should be more egalitarian for anyone who can do the work, it can also be a step back into the 1950s (which I feel like is an issue with management of all sorts, generally: the people making the rules don’t get the lives we live so we leave even if we are good when the juggle gets to be too much).
What?
Not sure exactly what you’re asking, but I think college is likely to be much more egalitarian than the workplace (can be). I’m not an engineer but my bestie did electrical engineering at Rice and found there to be tons of women professors and support for women in the field. The actual jobs she has had, though, had far fewer women.
This matches my experience. PhD in mechanical engineering, and while there were some creeps among the students and some annoyingly sexist experiences, for the most part working with the women and men on the faculty and staff was great. Then I got out into the working world and found the blatant misogyny and harassment to be kind of shocking. There were a lot of good people, too, but it seemed like the people with really regressive behavior and attitudes (who were generally terrible in other ways as well) had risen to positions of authority. Luckily I moved on from that first company after a couple of years and have had a very rewarding career.
I started working in engineering roles during college in the late 90s, so I had an early introduction to blatant misogyny and harassment before I even graduated. The stories I have are absolutely wild compared to what goes on now – I’m glad things are changing.
Ditto to your last sentence!
Very similar experience here. Made it through college okay, but saw enough of industry (early 2000s) to know that I did not want to fight those battles every day with the people in charge. I walked away for something less misogynistic (finance).
Not an engineer, but a PhD in the hard sciences working in the field. For me, at least, the issues I have had as a women have been more related to my socialization than my colleagues. I’ve been hesitant to ask for resources, take charge, etc. I’m 50ish and grew up in a very traditional house and hope the younger generation is doing better.
I am a mechanical engineer!
I loved my undergrad and it was actually 50/50 in engineering (mechE was more male, as is common). Most of my jobs have been in heavily male teams (and sometimes that’s been a problem but sometimes it hasn’t been) but there’s a lot of company by company variation, and team by team variation – the manager matters a lot.
Go to the best program you get into.
I’m an electrical engineer who graduated from undergrad in 2003. >90% of my graduating class was male, and there were some supports at my school trying to get more women into engineering, but I feel like there is a lot more available now. The workplace has been a mixed bag of men with 1950s attitudes and men who support anyone who can do the work, like you mentioned. A lot of my coworkers, especially upper management, are men with stay at home wives that can’t grasp that I don’t have another adult at home to manage home things. My husband and I both work, so all of the home stuff is also up to us. It is improving, though.
+1
I graduated in 2002 from a state U and had a very similar experience as the only woman in my major the entire four years of undergrad. Mostly decent classmates (they literally took the one problematic guy “out back” to sort out his attitude during our freshman year). Some decent profs, a few absolutely disgusting 1950s-era a-holes. Workplace has been a mixed bag as well, although most surprising to me is that the split in attitudes is neither along generational nor gender lines.
I’m also not entirely sure what you’re asking, but a benefit of a STEM-focused college like MIT or CMU is that the class is relatively balanced overall and since most people major in STEM, the STEM majors have a lot of women. I went to MIT and although I have very mixed feelings about the school overall, this was a big positive.
I’m an engineer. Graduated in 1999 so not sure if my experience would be the same as a new grad today, but absolutely no issues when at school and absolutely huge problems and a massive culture shock in my first job. First job was at a steel mill fwiw.
Chemical engineer here, 2001 grad. College had much less misogyny than industry. But that level is industry-dependent. So much of finding your first job in engineering is having an internship – research which industries and companies you may be interested in and where they recruit interns and full times. That’s how I’d choose the university. For example, in ChemE, paper and manufacturing recruit from midwestern schools. Southern schools are petroleum and chemicals. Western schools are renewables.