Coffee Break: Sidney Coat
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My teen DD left my hairdryer in the playroom for like a month, and now it is covered in a sticky residue – looks pale/white but if it comes off, it’s beige. I tried scrubbing with goo gone and a scrubby sponge and it is not coming off. It feels terrible and I can’t touch it! Has anyone ever had this happen? Any tips on cleaning it?
natural consequences. let her deal with it.
You mean, make her clean it? Then I won’t have a hairdryer for 6 weeks until she gets back from her summer job – not that I need it but I’d like to put it away.
if you haven;t used it for a month it doesn’t seem like you really use it. i would make her buy you a new one or figure out how to clean this one.
The two things I’d try are hot, soapy water and acetone, but it sounds like the plastic is maybe degrading so I’m not sure cleaning would help.
Get a new hairdryer and either give this one to your DD and/or have her pay to replace yours.
Try rubbing alcohol
This worked! Thanks!
My guess is that it is hairspray. I get that gunk in places too.
Start with vinegar. If that does not work, try rubbing alcohol and if THAT does not work try a paste of baking soda and hydrogen peroxide or some goo be gone.
I know I need to use my words and set some boundaries here, but man I’m having a rough time. My ex, the father of my young child, seems to have moved in with us again. He knows it’s not permanent, but I thought he was staying for a couple of days but it turns out he has given up his place (in a town two hours away) and is having mail forwarded here. (He just forgot to mention it?) I try to be compassionate because he lost his federal job and doesn’t know where he will be able to get a job (he’s actively searching). I hated living with him, and now I feel like I’ve been trapped in the same situation again, but asking him to stay somewhere else will make me the bad guy. Our daughter is THRILLED to have him here, he’s doing all drop offs and pick-ups, all cooking, lots of house projects, etc., allowing me to focus on work, so really I should stop being a curmudgeon but I’m feeling so stressed having him here. It brings me back to how difficult it was to live with him and all the reasons we broke up, even if he is doing nothing wrong now. My dislike of him is pretty irrational at this stage, but I’m feeling it so strongly. Both our parents are like “oh so great he can stay there and help out”. (Everyone already thinks I’m the bad guy for ending the relationship several years ago, since “he’s such a great dad”.) I work from home so I don’t even have a daily escape from the house.
If he had to leave (for lack of funds I’m assuming) what is his fall back? Would he have to move in with his parents and are they close enough for him to have time with your child? What is your priority? His access to your shared kid or getting him out at whatever cost?
It sounds stressful. I’m so sorry. I’ll bet he’s stressed too and wants to be self-sufficient again.
Who cares what his fallback is? He’s an adult that is his problem not his ex wife’s.
Her kid. She had a child with him so unfortunately for her he’s in her life for another decade. She has to care about his well being or she risks her relationship w her child.
She does not have to house him. They broke up. Just because they have a child together does not obligate her to take care of him for the rest of his life.
You do have to use your words. “You can’t stay here forever. What is your plan?”
And if he doesn’t have a plan, give him a deadline for one. And mean it. Don’t give in.
Best if you say this in person (if you feel safe doing so) then following up in writing.
Obviously there’s nothing you can do about this. Better just marry him again.
This stressed me out just to read. Are you someone who doubts yourself and lets your ex and family’s opinions weigh more heavily in your decision making than your own? Because it sounds like you’re doubting your reasons for leaving in the first place, but I’m guessing you had very legitimate reasons for breaking up. And honestly the fact that this guy is covertly MOVING BACK IN with you without even telling you is reason enough to be broken up in my opinion. Saying this because I wish someone had said it to me years ago: You can’t let people steamroll you like this. You are the only one who can stand up for yourself and make decisions for your life. You have to be in the driver’s seat. And you know you need to kick him out.
you are allowed to dislike him even if it is “irrational.” we just had my father stay with us for 2 and a half weeks and it drove me insane. at the end he passive aggressively asked if it was as bad as we thought it would be…and honestly DH and I just like having some privacy! obvoiusly a very different circumstance than what you are in, but you are allowed to feel the way you do!
If his parents can’t help him with a place to stay (assuming it’s a lack of funds and there are no other family members or other options), are there things you can do to give yourself more peace in the day-to-day? Not sure what your financial situation is like. But if it were me and I could handle the cost, I would be tempted to give myself some breathing space by working at a coworking space nearby or (cheaper) scheduling some Resort Pass days to work in a hotel room (or take advantage of a pool day or spa day to myself on a weekday). Can you spend more time apart at home like you might if it were an annoying roommate–like more time in your room or gardening on your patio or in your yard? Take up a daily walking habit. Take kiddo to a farmer’s market to kill half the day every Sunday or whatever. I’ve found if I have a few “breaks” built into my schedule like this, I can get through the rest of the week with a lot less stress when I’m dealing with relatives (or the old days roommates) that are driving me nuts.
No, don’t do all this. Ask him to leave.
+100000 Don’t just roll over and let him move in permanently.
If he literally has nowhere to go that’s a huge problem because it is her kid’s dad. I’m kind of shocked at how none of you seem to get that. Should it be her responsibility? No. But he’s also family and not just some ex BF or bad roommate crashing on her couch. Explain to the kid someday why you let an actively job-seeking parent go homeless. And this is a relationship she’ll be navigating for two decades.
She is the worst possible person to provide him with help. Surely he has other friends and family who can help.
He won’t be homeless. He will go to his parents. She says that in the comments.
Because Daddy is an emotionally abusive manipulator who uses any opportunity to weasel his way back into Mommy’s life
If his parents feel so strongly that she should be housing him during this time, I wonder why they aren’t stepping up. It’s the easiest thing in the world to insist that someone else do it.
This is insane. Why should she give her ex husband even more space. What is wrong with you?
OMG you have to shut this down, like, yesterday. Honestly it doesn’t matter what words you use, just do it. There’s never, ever going to be a situation in life where there is one, magically correct sequence of words to use.
Thanks, all. I feel so torn because obviously it’s really good for my daughter to have him here, and I always try to do what’s best for her. She misses him when he’s not here, and she’s getting so much time with him now. But I’m feeling physical symptoms of stress and find that I am very quiet and moody when he’s around, like I can’t breathe freely. (I remember the feeling of lightness when he first moved out – I was so happy. Back then he had a drinking problem and untreated depression, both of which seem to be under control now, but I also actively dislike him at this stage so it’s not like things have been solved and we can get back together. I can’t stand him, even though he’s not a bad person.) His family is in a different state, but yes, I think he would move there if he can’t find anything here.
Ask him to leave. You can establish normal custody arrangements and she can spend time with him there.
Next time, do not even consider letting him stay with you at all!
It is not best for your daughter for her mother to be feeling this way.
This this this. He sounds manipulative to boot.
It is good for your daughter to have a healthy mother. You divorced him. Be an adult and kick him out soon it will only get harder.
I’m sorry what? Like why do you not matter to yourself at all? “Steve I said you could visit a few days. You’ve overstayed your welcome and need to be gone by 5pm Sunday.”
I think this is the only way. Although you may need to give him a longer lead time if he needs to find permanent housing and has no job or money.
Nope she doesn’t. He can figure that out. She is not a social worker. He can go home to his parents by the sound of it.
Yes, and don’t give him more time. Look up tenancy and eviction laws in your area — receiving mail at your place can be a way to establish residency and if he becomes a tenant you’ll need to use an eviction notice to get rid of him which takes at least 30-days). It’s tough to get him out now — it will be worse later.
Yeah maybe I’ve read too much Legal Advice on red dit but the longer he stays there the more it becomes a legal problem getting him out.
Cut it off NOW, OP
+1,000,000. I would be very nervous about the mail getting sent to your place, especially if he has a history of being manipulative. I would try and send him to his parents house to stay while he’s ‘in limbo’.
Agree @4:19
Even if OP says “I need a break. Please spend some time with your parents. You can’t stay here forever, and I want you to make plans to leave now.”
She should also call her divorce attorney, just to keep the attorney apprised of the latest.
Absolutely
Dude, put your foot down and tell him to GTFO. Even if your kid is loving this, it’s just going to cause more confusion and heartache in the long run. I’m sorry, but this is so over the line and inappropriate.
For well-founded reasons, poor reasons, or no reasons at all, you get to decide who lives in your house.
I would advise getting him out before he establishes tenancy according to the legal provisions for your jurisdiction. As for your daughter, give her an age appropriate explanation and let her be mad if that’s her choice. Unfortunately, one day far down the road she will probably understand.
Whatever you do, do not allow him to get tenancy rights. In my state that’s 30 days.
+1. Get him out immediately. Finding him alternate housing is not your responsibility. Figuring out how he’ll pay for it is not your responsibility. His well being is not your responsibility. Get him and his belongings out of your house and change the locks. This guy is a manipulator and you’re letting him walk all over you.
And once he is gone go to therapy to figure out how not to be the kind of person who lets this happen
Replying to my own comment here. If he got his mail forwarded to your house he has no intention of leaving. He is 100% manipulating you into staying until the tenancy window so that you can’t remove him without legal action.
This situation is urgent. Ask yourself: If you think it’s hard telling him to leave right now how much harder is it going to be once lawyers and courts are involved?
Or he just needs a place to have his mail sent and he trusts his ex. You people have clearly never had housing struggles.
Seriously. Very clear folks here don’t have the faintest experience with housing insecurity. Try getting a local job without a local address. And if he goes to his parents and establishes work there, tell me what the custody situation will be like with that child. That’s a far more likely scenario than him using this as a deliberate tactic to force eviction.
A normal adult asks permission before forwarding their mail to their ex wife’s house.
Seriously @6:16? He lived two hours away before this. Clearly they’ve already dealt with shared custody at a distance. Are you the ex or something?
Please go to therapy to work on your passivity and lack of boundary setting skills. If not for you, for your daughter.
Yeah this is incredibly alarming OP. Wow.
It’s really not. OP, you’re doing a good thing. I’m sorry it’s hard but it’s good to be of service when you can, especially because it sounds like he is a good father and pulling his weight.
Talk to him about a plan so that he can get out quickly, but you aren’t a doormat in this scenario. You are a good mother and a good person.
It is insane to read her post as anything other than passivity gone wrong. She isn’t deliberately choosing this. She’s just letting life happen to her, and that is not a good thing to be role modeling.
Wanting to help your kid’s parent get back on their feet isn’t insane. I’d love to know how many of these posters actually are parents and have decent relationships coparenting for years and years.
But that ISN’T what she wants. She wants him out (like a sane person would!) and lacks the vocabulary to communicate that.
Yes, I have kids, and I also can recognize dysfunction from a mile away. This whole thing is dysfunction junction.
I genuinely am wondering if you’re the husband, because your takes are cuckoo.
I’m reacting strongly to this because my sister’s manipulative ex-H would 100 percent pull some sh!t like this. OP doesn’t like him. Isn’t comfortable with him. That is reason enough to get him out of her house, and that’s not even factoring in the tenancy issue.
My husband stopped reading the news after the election in November — AITA by wanting him to start again? It’s just so annoying to want to talk about things like Texas or Iran and him not having the faintest idea what I’m talking about.
Deal breaker. I’m not even being flippant. I can (and do!) deal with a lot of nonsense, but failure to engage with what’s happening in the world is not acceptable.
You and OP should marry each other then.
Maturity is recognizing that you cannot control the floodwaters in Texas and there is no point in following that story if you are in, like, Oregon unless you like rubbernecking at other people’s pain.
You mean bearing witness to other people’s pain. There’s no person less useful to the human race than one who refuses to be engaged.
No, I mean rubbernecking. Gawking. Scratching an “at least it isn’t me” itch.
Be engaged with people you can actually help. Be incredibly engaged with them. But don’t consume footage of the worst day of other people’s lives just so you feel good about yourself. It’s self-serving and gross.
Who feels good about themselves? You created that fiction all by yourself.
You’re not quite TA but really, you can’t force people to participate and be informed for the chats you want to have. Life isn’t a college seminar. I read the paper, but I have a limit to the bad news I can absorb and I don’t want to spend even more time discussing it when it feels futile. Find someone of a similar natural interest and discuss with them.
Counterpoint: Why does your husband have to be the one with whom you discuss current events? He’s saying he doesn’t want to engage; why not respect that and discuss the news with someone else?
Yes, this. I have a few friends who are news junkies/doomscrollers, and I have asked them not to talk to me about news. I am generally informed, in that I know the outlines of the flood and what’s happening in Iran, but nothing more than you’d be able to find in one news article on any given topic.
I’m a little like your husband, but on specific topics. Of course I know about Iran and the tragedy in Texas.
But my husband likes to get into the almost gossipy party politics and wants to talk to me about it.
Frankly, I’ve given up. It’s all so corrupt (Lisa Murkowski, for instance) and I feel hopeless about improvement.
My husband seems to want to lecture me about how terrible the republicans party is right now and I agree with him, but I don’t see what being trapped in my chair (where I was trying to read and relax) and listening to him rant is going to fix anything?
OP please ask yourself if some of that is why you’re frustrated with your husband. Do you just want someone to rant to? It’s not fun being ranted AT for sure.
+1 I do not want someone who is distressed, keyed-up, and anxious about politics or current issues to use me as their relief valve. DO NOT RANT AT ME.
I just dealt with this yesterday with this retort ” I cannot take that in right now”. I did have to say that twice within 15 minutes and it worked!
“What do you want me to do about it? I can’t fix it.”
I’ve had to say this a few times.
I am actually the person who typically fixes things (problems, not physical things) in our relationship, so it always feels like my expects me to fix national/global politics. Realistically, of course he doesn’t – maybe he just wants me to make him feel better about it. But I agree with him politically, so it’s not like I can talk him out of how he (imo correctly) feels about things.
+1. I read the news once in the morning but I don’t want to discuss it. When DH wants to talk politics for more than a minute or so I shut it down. Ranting doesn’t change anything, it just makes me stressed. Find another outlet for this and leave your husband out of it.
Yes, yta. I’ve pulled way back on national and international news. Doesn’t mean I’m not a concerned, engaged citizen in many other ways. Talking about it makes me anxious (I realize that’s an unforgivable sin around these parts) and I’d resent my husband if we wanted to make me do that.
+1 on cutting way back. Feeling miserable isn’t doing something. I’ll save my energy for doing the things I can do like writing letters with Vote Forward and giving to nonprofits and the campaigns of Democrats.
Another +1 on cutting back on the news, and since I divorced a few years ago I no longer allow anyone to rant at me about anything. I got a lifetime of that crap served up to me in the space of a decade. I’m of no use to anyone if I’m in an anxiety spiral. And before some of you come at me, I am not normally a person experiencing anxiety. It’s just the feeling, as an attorney, that I am seeing the end of the efficacy of our legal system. Yes it’s always been a tool for politics, but this is over the top in that regard.
Honestly I other than donating money to good cause, I’m unable to do anything right now but keep going to court and doing my level best to do the ethical, correct, and honorable thing for any given case.
What is he choosing to prioritize instead? Can you get in on that?
I think it depends on your approach. My DH and I aren’t talking politics as much as we used to, mainly bc I’ve cut down my news consumption. I scan the WSJ every day, listen to NYT The Headlines and sometimes The Daily, and read other sources as well. I just don’t listen to NPR as much or have MSNBC on in the background and I’m not interested in constant doom and gloom and dinner convo about how bad this country is getting.
DH likes to joke that I’ve become MAGA bc I think Harris wasn’t a great candidate and made a lot of missteps in her campaign, I see why some people voted for him and still support him, and I’ve gotten more into health including weightlifting which somehow now is a conservative thing. When he makes fun of my views it makes me not want to engage on the topic.
i’ve pulled back a lot, but at a minimum read the skimm daily. I will say I’ve gone down a rabbit hole with the TX floods and am a mess (like trying not to cry at my desk), and I’ve obviously gone too far.
I’m going too far on that too. So terrible.
You’re not TA for wanting him to start again, but you would BTA if you tell him/demand that he start. He’s allowed to pay attention to what he chooses to. You can discuss these things with other people.
Yeah I have also pulled way back, but still listen to NPR Up First each morning.
Talk to someone else about it.
Honestly I feel for your husband a bit. I know about Texas and Iran but I was such an avid news consumer until 2016, and then cut way down because it was affecting my mental health. My husband and I also don’t really talk about the news – we are aligned politically but he consumes so much news and likes to dissect every detail and it stresses me out, so now he mostly discusses it with other friends and family and we talk about other things. I think he was a little frustrated about that initially but I’m thankful that he is respecting my boundaries on this.
Respect his boundaries about this. Frankly, I’m trying to stay informed and can’t even manage to do that well. The sheer volume of information is overwhelming, especially when it’s 90% terrible.
No help to you, but this reminds me of a friend’s Facebook post from a couple of months ago. She was driving her 11-y-o to school with NPR on, reporting on the latest horrors and outrages; her kid asked her to turn it off because “I thought I’d listen to political news later in the day.”
We used to watch MSNBC before bed every night but I couldn’t sleep well after that, so I told my husband I needed a break. So we “temporarily” stopped and never went back to it. Turns out my husband slept better too.
He still wants to rant at me about politics sometimes but it’s way better than when we were deep in the throes of it.
I hate how negative everything is, but I strongly, strongly believe all adults have an obligation to have some level of understanding of and following of current events.
My ex FWB didn’t follow any news except his small hometown newspaper. It came up because we were in a group talking about the Lahaina fires and he didn’t know about them. While I thought it was sweet he still followed his hometown news so closely, it was decidedly uns3xy to me that he was so uninformed.
I feel pretty strongly that people opting out of the news or following current events is a major reason we are in the situation we are in right now as a country. Just think of all the things Biden was (or still is!) being blamed for that he literally did not or could not do!
I think it’d important that members of society follow and understand current events, just as I feel it’d important that adults understand how government and politics work.
I’d rather people opt out than watch Fox News, the current most-watched cable network…or click on every FB headline and spiral down a Russian bot conspiracy theory.
I follow the news avidly and completely disagree, I think it’s one of the causes of the current climate. When politics becomes entertainment and people watch like it’s sports we land here. I think everyone would be better off dialing way back. The kindest easiest people I know these days have tuned out the daily parade of terrible.
Yes. Just talk to someone else. Aside from conversations with you, it changes nothing whether he personally is cognizant of this stuff or not. Unless you’re very important or donating generously, I doubt it changes much that you are cognizant of this stuff.
He’s making a better choice than you are, so why not try doing what he’s doing?
Stop. You know this isn’t true.
You, perhaps of all commenters here, would benefit most from adopting the husband’s approach to consuming the news.
Agreed.
I don’t think you’re an AH, but it might be better to find another conversation partner for news stuff or find another common topic to discuss with your spouse.
i am attempting to buy lamps for my kid’s freshman dorm and i’m broken and exhausted. literally everything has online reviews that say it’s junk. sigh. i miss stores.
Go to Target. Pick a cute lamp for about $15. It doesn’t need to be the best ever. It’s a college dorm. Or, just tell your kid to pick a lamp under $x and let them live and learn.
target is what broke me. basically every review is like “cute but total trash”
Who. Cares. It is for a dorm. Why are you even reading reviews. Just go to the store and buy one.
A $15 lamp is going to be total trash. But you light go to a lamps store and spend $45 and find out it’s the exact same lamp.
Anyway, trying to find a lamp for your child’s dorm should really be their responsibility. Let it go. Let them make a mistake and learn what you get for $15.
This may not actually be about the lamp anyway. Are you having a hard time letting go and letting your child take this first step into adulthood?
It’s a lamp. Just buy one and be done with it.
I’ve had several pairs of Target lamps in my house for 3-5 years and they work and look like I just bought them. Are you in a store touching the lamp, or getting overwhelmed online? Why not gamble the $15?
Filter on Target brands. That gets rid of the third-party junk.
I mean that’s what Target kind of is, cute stuff that’s not great quality. So what? They’ll still produce light. Go look at the Facebook group Dorm Room Mamas (or something similar to that) if you need inspiration to deinvovle yourself in decorating your kids’ dorms. Not saying you are one of those people, but sometimes letting your unmotivated kid live in an ugly trash heap is better than the other extreme.
I’m sorry but pls get a grip. Go to target with your kid. Buy whatever lamp they have. Move on. It is not an heirloom.
yeah this seems like an instance where Senior Attorney’s excellent advice should hold sway: trust the Costco buyers.
I’ve had the best luck for lighting at a dedicated store. Looks like LampsPlus has options that are slightly more expensive but will last through multiple moves:
https://www.lampsplus.com/products/desk-lamps/price-range_@@50-@-@@99@@@99/?sb=4
You absolutely can go to the store and buy a dorm lamp. Will it be the best thing ever that they use for decades? Probably not. But it will be good enough.
Does your neighborhood have a buy nothing group? Might be worth a shot to see if someone has a lamp they don’t need anymore.
This is a great problem for your adult child to solve. Give them a budget and tell them to buy lamps. If they fail to buy lamps (or buy lamps that don’t meet your review criteria and those lamps break), they live with overhead lighting. The end.
Signed,
exhausted higher education professional
Yup! They got into college they can manage Lamp
I don’t know why this phrasing made me laugh so hard. Thanks for the chuckle!
+1
Yes this! I’m so confused about why this is OP’s problem in any way.
+2 your kid can decorate their own dorm room. It isn’t the end of the world if they get a bad lamp.
1) there are tons of brick and mortar stores selling this stuff.
2) it’s for a dorm. It can be junky.
3) if this broke you, you probably have something eise going on or you need lots of help
Why is this a problem you’re creating for yourself???
IKEA! Downside: yeah it looks like it came from ikea. Upside: I’ve found them to be reliable and reasonably well made, if not astoundingly well made for the price.
And who cares if it looks like it came from IKEA when it’s for a dorm room?
Not me! I’ve got one at my office and another one at home. The one at home sits on a side table next to a museum quality antique sofa. Eclecticism ftw!
This. We have multiple ikea lamps, including a couple that were $10 or less, and they’re all still going strong after more than 10 years and multiple cross country moves. But I also agree that this should be a kid problem. If they want a lamp, they should buy it themselves!
It’s just a lamp! Let your kid buy it. Stop reading the reviews. Reviews are great, but I feel pressure to read them all and get the “best” thing when really that’s an impossible task. Sometimes there’s just too much information and it doesn’t matter whether or not Sally liked the lamp but Becky thought the quality wasn’t great. Also, these lamps will never be family heirlooms. It doesn’t matter if the lamp isn’t perfect.
Right. It has 4 stars? OK, for a college dorm room, that’s good enough.
This is the kind of thing you just go to the nearest box store when you get to the college town and buy a lamp. It’s going to get trashed by the end of the year (or certainly 4 years) anyway.
+1. None of my furniture or decor was usable past graduation, whether it was the cheap Target lamp or the fancy comforter. Presumably these dorm rooms come with lighting so it’s no big deal if the lamp breaks.
sigh….
Look at the dimmable LED floor lamp with linen shade. amazon. 30-40$
I liked it so I got 3. For my kids desk, crafting table, reading couch.
It has a swivel head and comes up in the first page or so of search results.
somehow I made it through college and law school without my mother buying me a lamp.
In fact I don’t think I had a lamp at all. Presumably there are lights in the dorm room.
Junk is fine for a dorm.
Would love advice on career transitions. I’m in my early 40s and feel like my current role in Real Estate will be coming to an end soon. I’d like to proactively start looking, getting certified etc. I think AI will be disruptive and ideally would like to join a company on the forefront…for those in this role or have insight, what certifications or steps would you take? I’m going to start looking for networks etc. I’ve also considered going into consulting (preferably for a big company) and understand the stress on families with young kids…but I’d like to build a small next egg now while I can. Any advice? Located in West Coast
I think this was written with AI
Lolol
Same.
I mean, AI would have answered her question, so it’s unlikely.
What’s the going rate for professional hair and makeup for a member of the wedding party in greater Boston area?
Idk like250
I just paid $225 pp in Philly, so $250 sounds about right for Boston
I paid $1560 + $120 total travel for 8 girls’ hair and make-up in a suburb of Atlanta. A crew of 3 hair stylists and 1 make-up person came to my house and did everyone there. Worth every penny. So I would say the $250/head is in the ballpark.