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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Raglan Sleeve Crepe Dress

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A woman wearing a black dress and black slippers

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

As the weather is warming up, I’m keeping an eye out for short-sleeved dresses that I can wear without a topper. There’s nothing worse than being stuck in a too-warm conference room with a bunch of men who are removing their jackets, only to realize that you’re wearing a sleeveless dress and you’re not quite sure it’s appropriate for you to do the same.

This raglan sleeve dress from Club Monaco will keep you perfectly cool and covered on those sweltering days. Add a blazer if you need to be formal, but I think it’s just fine on its own in most offices. 

The dress is $198 at Club Monaco — with 25% off at checkout — and comes in sizes 00P-14. 

Sales of note for 5/23/25:

258 Comments

  1. I will have a free afternoon in DC this week (Georgetown area). Any unique-to-DC shops i should check out for business casual type clothes? I need nice tops, in particular – my workwear uniform is typically a nice pair of slacks, nice top, and some third piece – a vest, blazer, elevated sweater, scarf, etc. So mainly looking for separates. I have access to the usual chains and department stores at home; wondering if there are any DC based clothing stores I would not find elsewhere. Am bordering on desperation at this point- everything is cropped, peasant-like, ruffle-puff, or see-through. Style is classic with (hopefully) just a bit of edge. Thanks ladies!

    1. I live in a DC suburb and also interested in this reply. It’s my impression that only chains can afford the real estate in most of DC and northern Virginia anymore. I’ve been buying my clothes on Poshmark lately, because I’ve become really specific (after two decades of trial and error) about fabrics and cut. But if there’s a little known gem, I’m also interested in knowing about it.

    2. Back in the day, I’d at least window shop at Rizik’s but it is closed now. What else is there? I should do this on my next trip.

    3. Secondi consignment is one of the best vintage stores I’ve ever had access to. You should definitely pay a visit!

    4. Depending on where you are coming from, there might be some chain stores you don’t have back home. But DC is a conservative city for clothing and really doesn’t have much in the way of unique stores

    5. The Phoenix on Wisconsin. I’d also go to Ann Mashburn which is only a few blocks away.

    6. Sézane has a pop-up in Georgetown until May! Not in the “can’t find anywhere else” bucket, but helpful for trying on.

    7. Tuckernuck has a DC store, actually it’s the only store. Idk if it really fits your parameters though

    8. MM LaFleur has a showroom closer to downtown. It’s not only in DC but I have found it helpful to feel the fabrics and try them on.

      1. there is also a store in Georgetown! I’ve found it helpful to try on their clothes in person.

    9. depending on where you’re from you may not have access to these chain stores, all at Tysons: Aritzia, Hobbs, Everlane, Mango, Rothy’s, Uniqlo, Zara — also Gorjana and Mejuri for jewelry – not sure what the Primark is like there but might be worth checking out

    10. Really like this little boutique near Union Market called Bitter Grace. I’m classic with a bit of an edge as well, and I’ve had a lot of luck there with things that can fit the bill. Store’s deal is that everything is natural fibers/sustainable.

  2. Kitchen demo begins Friday. We are having everything replaced (cabinets, countertops, floor, backsplash). No structural changes. Other than moving cabinet items out of the way and covering them to minimize dust, is there anything else you wish you did? Also plan to close HVAC vent in kitchen and change furnace filter once project is done.

    1. Your indoor air quality is going to tank – if you’ll still be in the house, have windows open constantly and air purifiers going.

    2. You’re going to want to hire a post construction dust removal company. There’s no way to contain the dust, it will get absolutely everywhere.

    3. We did this during Covid and just be prepared to be dusting and sweeping and vacuuming for months afterwards. I thought I had everything covered and taped etc and had done such a good job, but in the end, I did a ton of washing, cleaning, vacuuming,e tc.

    4. Just finished a kitchen remodel! Depending on how open your kitchen is, you will want to put up plastic to protect the rest of the house. We used a zipper-open barrier: Zipwall brand ‘heavy duty zipper’ + thick plastic barrier. They are also available already installed in doorway size (so you just have to install the plastic).

      We moved everything out of the kitchen into our guest room, but ended up running the dishwasher like 6 times to clean everything before we put it back. Now is a good time to downsize any kitchen items you don’t want to pull out later (ask me how I know, haha).

      You will want to replace your furnace filter as soon as they finish tear-down, then once again after they sand any new drywall (if applicable). They will likely take protective measures such as putting down a paper barrier on the floor after flooring is installed.

      Check your countertops for dings thoroughly before the countertop people leave. Get a flashlight and look at it across the whole top, the flashlight can show any imperfections. I found a few after and we had to get them back out to do repairs (granite countertops).

      What’s your temporary kitchen look like (if any)?

      1. Was also going to suggest a zipper-open barrier if that wasn’t already part of your plan.

    5. The dust is unimaginable and so fine it will get everywhere despite any number of mitigation efforts you try (whether the plastic sheeting, covering vents, constant vacuuming, etc).

      What’s your plan for your temporary kitchen?

      1. FYI in case you haven’t cleaned drywall dust before, vacuum up as much as possible before mopping. Shopvacs are best. Mop with a damp (not all the way wet) mop – I found the best method was on my hands/knees (with knee pads!) and barely damp microfiber cloths.

        1. I commented above but the best money you’ll spend after a renovation is a professional dust removal company.

          2. Roughly 3k in a very high cost of living city (SF) but worth every penny and nothing in the scope of a full scale renovation.

    6. Remove any plants from your house. We had some house plants that were not in the kitchen, but on the same floor, and the drywall dust killed them.

      We had a temporary kitchen, but over time, it also ended up covered in drywall, so it felt gross to try to prep food in there.

      I would plan to be out of the house as much as possible after work and on weekends… and also plan for delays/changes. We were also not anticipating any structural changes but then ran into a few issues that forced our contractors to work over to get things done.

    7. freeze a lot of easy-to-microwave meals. friends also used a crockpot a lot when they were doing their kitchen reno.

  3. Are there any EMTs here? I have been hiking and backpacking so much that I took Wilderness First Aid and got recertified recently and it reminded me of my nightmares (most are from MVAs en route though) and also that I used to love science. My scout friends said I should take the classes just to learn more knowledge but just not worry about the exam or changing jobs, just because there isn’t a lot out there for helping laymen become more knowledgeable. It looks like a community college has an early morning class in the fall that I could take but I don’t want to be an annoyance to “real” people in the class.

    1. I don’t have information for you, but want to encourage you not to worry about being an annoyance to your classmates. My memory is that there is *always* someone annoying in every class (and I’m aware that sometimes I’ve been that person!) As long as you’re paying your way, you have a right to information, no matter how you plan to use it.

      1. As a university lecturer, there is ALWAYS someone annoying, and if you’re going in with a serious attitude, it’s unlikely to be you.
        This term I had – study abroad student who kept explaining detailed facts about the US to her bored classmates and a student who kept saying “read journal articles” in response to every question about methods.

        1. There is nothing more cringe as an American expat than hearing other Americans explain America.

    2. Often the non-traditional students in a class are the most engaged and least annoying.

    3. Don’t let insecurity stop you if it’s what you want to do. You might also want to look at CERT.

    4. My professor spouse finds that his classes typically benefit from the presence of non-traditional students, and that’s at a four year where it’s less routine than at a community college. I personally wonder if this is partly a generational thing where millennials were less comfortable around adults than Gen Z seems to be?

      It’s also my own opinion that annoying students usually lack insight (i.e. have never once asked themselves if they’re going to be an annoyance).

        1. +2

          My brother teaches in the city college system and most of his students are in fact older and range from 20-66.

    6. do it! I got my EMT license when I was in college. I did it through a local hospital. My class had about 20 people in it. Some were nursing students getting an EMT license as a side gig, there were a couple regular college students like me, there were 2 older adults with other careers that were getting their certification so they could work as ski patrol when they retired, and there were a few people going for their certification as a career path.

      1. How hard was it compared to regular college classes? Like if you did OK in college, you can do this while also working? WFA doesn’t really have an exam but I bought the books and reread them on the recumbent bike at the gym.

    7. I took an intro coding class at a flagship state university when I was 32 and heavily pregnant. It was definitely a bit weird being around 18 year olds who had moved out of their parents’ houses for the first time just a few weeks before, but I promise I was not an annoyance to them, at least not to my project teammates. I did 95% of the work and got the whole group an A so they were very grateful for me ;)

    8. If you want something in between WFA and EMT time-wise, I loved my NOLS WFR class. It was hybrid (a week online/with a boom and a week in person).

      There was a wide variety of students, from professional wilderness guides to a day hiker.

      1. OP here – NOLS classes are awesome (that was my WFA training, but it’s only 16 hours over a weekend, which I could manage), but if I could free my calendar for a solid week and didn’t use it for a family vacation, they’d be sad and very put out (honestly, I’d be also; time in big blocks is a luxury). It might happen in a few years, but definitely not this year. Summer community college could happen though or this fall.

        1. I wouldn’t worry at all about being a distraction/taking up a slot in the classes – part of community college’s mission is ongoing education for the community. Same as I don’t worry that I’m “taking up” a book someone else might use “better” when I check it out of the library.

          If you do a lot of adventuring, the community college’s near me actually offer WFR, where you do a chunk of classroom lectures, and then a field Saturdays
          – Denver, so probably more outdoor adventure-ey offerings than typical, but maybe there’s something similar near you, if you really want the skills for backcountry

          1. Thanks! We are a 1-2 hour drive where that might be more regular; otherwise, there is a med school near-ish that offers classes, but just for their students. So that might be something I could talk my way into auditing, but it’s not really convenient. It is what it is.

    9. You are a real person in the class! Speaking as an occasional CC lecturer, it’s great to have interesting, interested, engaged people learning- it helps everyone!.

    10. Late on this, but while I am not an EMT, I did take an EMT class at a local community college when I was in college in my pre-med days (those didn’t last). It was a very wide mix of people in terms of ages/life stages/reasons for taking it. You’ll be fine.

    11. I took one while in college. It was easy and fun. If you have the money and free time, go for it!

  4. Results of the Canadian election are okay! Narrowly escaped fascism and still lots of work to do but things are stableish for now.

    1. Was very happy to see the results this morning. Hilarious that PP lost his own riding. Love that for him.

  5. Anyone have experience with Andrea Carrano shoes IRL? They are stalking me on IG but I’ve never seen them in stores before. I have fussy feet and need really well made shoes.

  6. We have a 24-hour pitstop in Salt Lake City coming up, staying downtown. Any recommendations for things to do and places to eat?

    1. No specific recs but I’ve always wanted to try one of those crazy Mormon soda shops.

      1. +1 Utah has cool soda shops, wild religious architecture, and nature, that’s sort of it.

        1. I thought SLC had a good restaurant scene. I was there for work so I didn’t get to explore that much, but what I had was really good.

          OP, Bruges Bistro had the best french fries I’ve *ever* eaten and I’ve been to Belgium.

          2. I have had the opposite culinary experience. Plenty of options in SLC including vegan and vegetarian restaurants and food of many ethnic origins. Utah has a weirdly bifurcated culture. On the one hand there’s the white Mormon culture. On the other hand there’s the (admittedly also mostly white) tattooed vegan outdoorsy counterculture.

          4. My experience tracks 10:32, I see SLC as a place to just survive through and would stop elsewhere if I had an option.

          5. I’ve worked in Utah and the restaurants recommended to me by my coworkers were all very basic, despite the raves. Weirdly, ordering wine, I’ve had it filled up to the top brim of wine glasses.

          6. My SLC friend said she learned to order wine and beer only- the mixed drinks are watered down. If you have kids with you some restaurants are fussy about seating you at a table in the area.

    3. Visit the Mormon temple. Gay and Jewish and found it absolutely fascinating. Ended up staying all day.

    4. Both times I’ve been to SLC, we ate at the Red Iguana and it was great. I also enjoyed walking through temple square. I was there for work meetings, so aside from that, only saw the Marriott conference room.

    6. Seconding Red Iguana and Taqueria 27. Eva’s bakery is good for pastries and quiche, do not go to Gormandaise (they’re just meh). Walk the walking loop at Liberty Park, stop in at Tracy Aviary (either by going inside or while walking the loop) if you want a Dole Whip.
      Pizza Nono is lovely Neapolitan style pizza in the smallest storefront, but that area is incredibly walkable (called 9th and 9). It’s my favorite neighborhood, but I am biased as we lived there for four years.
      Check out City Creek Center (a glorified mall with interesting architecture) and the Temple. Walk around or take the local train (free within the downtown area). Weird 30 minute activity is walking around the free Gilgal Sculpture Garden.
      Woodbine food hall is fun (I like the wood fired pizza, vegan, or ramen place).
      Red Butte garden is well worth the entry fee. Amazing gardens in many seasons, great views just walking around.
      Try any hike that piques your interest.

  7. What are opinions of Quince? I’m specifically looking at their silk — Dolman Sleeve Blouse and Midi Dress. Do they hold up? Wash ok? Wrinkle? Pack well? Good or bad value? Any recommended alternatives for silk layering tops under blazers at a reasonable price? Thanks!

    1. No experience with the silk, but the cotton sweaters are cheap-looking and ill-fitting.

    2. Terrible quality, something is off about every item, just buy the real thing they’re knocking off.

    3. I have bought a bunch of things from Quince over the past few years. All of them have been really great flattering cuts, in the worst quality fabric imaginable. For instance, I have a cashmere sweater that is almost an exact dupe of a Jenni Kayne sweater, however after just one or two wears (and no washes!) it looked completely ragged and worn out. Same for their linen and silk in my experience, unfortunately.

    4. They’re trying so hard to convince everyone that they’re the same thing as the expensive brands, just not upcharging for a label… but I have not been happy with the stuff IRL.

    5. No experience with the silk, but the short sleeve v neck bamboo tee shirts are workhorses. I’ve worn and washed them weekly all last summer and now this spring and they look new. I have a handfull of the cashmere cotton v neck sweaters and again, washed them weekly all winter and they still look great. I have one pair of the linen pants and they wash well, but they run so need to be washed separately. I wear them a lot during warm weather. They do have a strange double seam down the side leg, but in the dark colors it doesn’t show. I wash in cold water and hang everything to dry.

    6. I have several of the silk blouses. If you can size up, I would. They are not the most luxurious silk I have owned, but they are practical options for under a blazer. They got me through a trial in Florida where we were walking to and from court in August.

      1. I am obsessed with their silk options. I own two silk blouses and the silk shirtdress and they have been my workhorses for nicer occasions for the last 2 years.
        I bought two crinkled cotton tops (I think they call them gauze) they are fine, no problems, wash and dry well in the dryer and don’t shrink much. I wear them quite a bit in summer and sometimes to work even though they aren’t quite bus cas.
        I would buy more silk tops if they had some prints and more colors.

    7. The silk is fine, better than poly versions of similar tops but not huh end. They do wrinkle but the wrinkles come out if you hang it in the bathroom during a shower.

    8. I have several of the dolman sleeve blouses, and they’re good not great.

      Pros:
      – I like the colors available
      – They wash well (I wash on delicate, hang to dry)

      Cons:
      – I’ve had to sew the plackets closed below the button to prevent a weird gap. Not a dealbreaker, but an extra step

      Also, this particular blouse is tts, but other Quince silk runs small. Not sure how the tariffs will hit them, as I think a lot of Quince stuff is made in China.

    10. I have the silk dolman sleeve blouse and it’s been a workhorse for me so far. I wash it in a mesh bag on cold/low spin and actually put it in the dryer for a few minutes to get the wrinkles out and then hang to dry. If it needs more smoothing I use a wrinkle away spray and steam. I love it more than I thought I would and wear it alone and under jackets. Quince is not the designer quality it claims to be but I have gotten quite a few basics there I like.

    11. I have the silk midi dress and I like it, but it’s either sewn or cut slightly off bias so it feels like it’s twisting just the smallest bit which sometimes drives me crazy. I usually belt it and blouse it a bit so it isn’t quite so straight cut. Care is easy—I wash it in a mesh bag in delicate and hang to dry.

      I also have the silk shell and that’s better quality—lined, cut straight—but it wrinkles more than the dress so I need to steam it more than the dress.

    12. Their stuff is good, not great. I have a couple of silk tops that I like for layering pieces, but it’s a real pain to get the wrinkles out after washing. Quality is decent enough but not mindblowing.

    13. The white crew neck tees are my favorite (modal cotton blend). The ribbed towels are also pretty good.

    14. My take…people who have never worn luxury will feel its luxury, but it misses the mark in terms of staying power. For a luxury item, expect to pay more and for the item to look great for longer.

  8. How do you travel light with business clothes? I usually pack lightweight items like an MMLF dress and jardigan, as opposed to a full suit, but even for a 3-day trip my carry-on is stuffed to the brim and weighs a ton. On my last trip a colleague had an actual suit and somehow her carry-on was smaller and half as heavy as mine. I’ve got it down to the absolute essentials and the smallest version of everything. Do people just not pack makeup, deodorant, hairdryer, PJs, and other necessities?

    1. Makeup – I bring just my daily drivers (concealer, foundation, shadow stick, brow gel, mascara, blush, lipstick).
      Toiletries – I have mini sizes of everything, including deodorant; for short trips I make do with hotel shampoo and conditioner
      Hair dryer – no way, I can make do with a hotel dryer for a business trip; ymmv if you have difficult hair
      PJs – yes of course, but those take up negligible space (cami and shorts)

      A jardigan is heavier and bulkier than most suiting folded up. Jackets, folded neatly, slip in on top of other clothes really easily!

      1. After a few times of having my bag lost I insist on my makeup and toiletries being small enough to fit into my laptop bag as my skin is super senstitive and I can’t easily replace things. My makeup is minimal (brow pencil, lipstick, lipbalm, blush, eyeshadow stick, tinted moisturizer, mascara) and toiletries are decanted into mini containers.

    2. I stopped trying to get everything in a carryon and I check. I want my hairdryer since I’ve gotten used to using a Shark and hotel dryers don’t cut it anymore. I want my makeup. I want clothing options. Turns out I’m just waiting for my luggage for a few minutes and I’m so much happier for it. I still carryon a just in case outfit if I have any connections but bags rarely go missing these days. Team check a bag and take your stuff here.

      1. YMMV, but I will honestly admit that I would be judging a coworker who checked a bag for a 3 or 4 day trip. So this may be bad advice if you travel with coworkers

        1. I judge people who lug those legal, but large suitcases onto the plane and making boarding and deplaning take forever.

        3. You might also want to check yourself on that, a lot of people have back issues that are exacerbated by putting suitcases in the overhead.

    3. I used to pack poly dresses and roll them up. I wore the dress slips as nightgowns. I brought makeup but no shampoo or other stuff the hotel would have. Hotels have hair dryers.

    4. I bring a travel size conditioner because even some fancy hotels don’t have it, just shampoo. Never a hair dryer! Only one pair of shoes besides my travel shoes.

    5. I manage to pack two full suits, two pair of shoes, my hair dryer with diffuser, small versions of all my toiletries, underclothes, workout gear, and PJs in a 28L backpack without any issues. For shoes, I opt for my sleek and lightweight pairs rather than chunky dad sneakers and lug sole boots. Bundle packing makes my clothing much more compact without introducing wrinkles. Maybe look into that?

      1. This is amazing! I would love to know more about this, as my hair dryer alone is so bulky it would take up half a backpack. What material are your suits? Are you wearing heels or flats? What do you do for workout shoes?

        1. I have a Shark hair dryer. My shoes are flat leather loafers and Sambas (I don’t usually exercise in those, but they are fine for a hotel stationary bike). I stuff small sundries like my charging cords and solid toiletries in my shoes, pack small PJs (knit shorts & cami) knowing I can turn the heat up in the hotel if needed, and have a clamshell-style backpack so I can place everything in to maximize the available crevices before zipping it up. Tropical wool suits are lighter than thicker material, but I can also wear one of the blazers on travel days if I need something more substantial. The backpack itself makes a big difference; I have a different 28L one for my daily commute and there is no way I would be able to shove this much in without the seams bulging out.

        2. I got a good travel hairdryer (Amika)— definitely don’t bring a full size one. But otherwise I’m in the same boat as you, I can pack for a 3 day work trip in a carry on only if I don’t bring workout or other clothes. I think I probably could get a slimmer toiletry bag but otherwise I’m like you and usually at capacity for a 3 day trip without extras (workout clothes, sweatshirt, etc)

      2. The last 4 day work trip I went on, I packed in a backpack as well. It was a casual conference, so I didn’t need a suit, but I packed 2 pairs of pants, four shirts, a cardigan, a pair of pajamas, small versions of toiletries, a curling iron, my laptop and charger, and a pair of flats. I traveled in my bulkier sneakers and bulkier sweatshirt.

    6. I don’t pack hair tools, if I had to then that would be the tipping point for checking a bag. My toiletries are usually in my laptop bag, except deodorant. I bring small sizes of everything.

      1. i think it’s easier to go full suit when traveling light. wear black suit, pack grey suit, one day wear black pants and grey blazer, next day wear grey pants and black blazer. that’s 4 days of clothes.

        1. I admire people who can wear stuff on the plane that they plan to wear during the trip. I always feel sweaty and disheveled coming off a plane. I can’t wait to shed those clothes and take a shower.

    7. The hairdryer is your culprit there. I find that most of my women colleagues do not pack styling tools and opt for dry shampoo for a refresh or just use the hotel hairdryer. The other big factor is the shoes you put in your suitcase, as opposed to the ones you wear on the plane. I know ballet flats and Rothys aren’t fashionable, but there is a reason you still see them at conferences and off site meetings.

      1. > ballet flats and Rothys aren’t fashionable

        Huh? I thought they were still?

    8. I decant makeup/toiletries into cadence capsules and can fit a full skincare/haircare routine that way. I skip bringing a hair dryer – I’ve found with good haircare products and technique I can make a bad hotel dryer work ok. Pjs are just leggings/top so not a big space. I try to only bring 2 pairs of shoes for a 3-day trip.
      I do travel heavier in winter but can still generally fit 3-4 days worth of clothing into a carry on easily with rolling items/tucking things into shoes/etc.

    9. I’m the same as you. Between business clothing, a comfortable outfit for the evening, and shoes my suitcase is stuffed. I’m too sweaty to wear the same pants and top three times.

      1. I don’t understand how people can rewear their clothes! I have a colleague who packs one set of workout clothes that she wears to dinner and to work out in every day for the whole trip, and she rewears work outfits at least once during a travel week. I can’t wear anything for more than a few hours before it gets stinky. So I can wear an after-work outfit twice, but anything I wear on the plane or for a full workday needs to be washed. Workout clothes can only be worn once.

        2. Some people can’t and wear their clothes anyways. I had a male colleague who people openly remarked on for his sweaty, wrinkled clothes. It hurt him professionally but it’s not clear anyone ever told him it was harming his odds of promotion.

        3. The key is layers. Anything that goes directly against your upper body or groin area needs to be changed daily (e.g., t-shirts and underwear) but you can re-wear cardigans and pants.

      1. Sure, but if you are traveling with a colleague who did carry on, no one wants to wait for your baggage because you checked it!

        1. It’s a no-win scenario. If you cram all your stuff into a carry-on they make fun of how big and heavy it is and get annoyed that you don’t have the right gear to walk 6 miles to dinner. If you check a bag they get annoyed at waiting for it.

        2. Who are all these people traveling in groups? I have worked for 30 years with intense travel and never have I ever coordinated with colleagues. Even if I did, I’d still check a bag, they are free to get their own taxi and head to the hotel without me. This going together concern is overblown.

          1. I make a lot of site visits where we rent one car for the group and drive to all sorts of out-of -the way places.

          2. Agreed, it’s not a big deal to go separately. I’d rather feel comfortable because I have everything I need in my checked bag.

          3. I’m in higher ed, so very budget conscious, and it’s not officially required but pretty standard that if you’re on the same flight as colleagues you carpool from the destination airport to the conference hotel, which is usually a hefty ($50-100) taxi or Uber ride since airports tend to be out in the burbs. That said, the majority of our trips are a week or more, so waiting for checked bags isn’t uncommon. But I would majorly side-eye someone who checked a bag for a 3 day (2 night?) trip. I can pack in a backpack for that length of time.

      2. Agreed, if it’s just you and if you have a good airport — I second that I would be annoyed having to wait for a coworker’s bag. I also just never will check because my airport routinely takes 45-60 minutes for bags and that’s absolutely not worth it.

      3. For leisure travel sure. For holding up everyone else for half an hour? Nope. (PHL here and it’s def above average wait time!)

        Plus not being able to go standby on an earlier flight or otherwise be nimble to change plans? Like it’s a heck of a lot easier to jump on a connecting itinerary home if your flight is cancelled if you don’t have to first deal with a checked bag.

      4. For a 3 day trip, it’s bonkers, and I’d be so annoyed if a colleague did that and I had to wait for them. A week or more is a different story.

    11. Nighttime: I get cold easily in hotel aircon, so I bring a light nightdress with covered shoulders, and wool socks. Travel cashmere wrap as extra warmth if needed.

      Toiletries: I decant shampoo and soap, since I’m very particular. No conditioner. I bring one small styling product. Hotel hair dryer, the shampoo makes the difference. Small version of my normal deodorant, same for toothpaste. Floss and brush. Small version of my regular hairbrush. A few makeup items – mascara, cc cream, travel concealer, powder, blush and lipstick. One eyeshadow single, one eyeliner stub.

      I don’t rewear tops, but wear trousers more than once. Silk blouses and merino knits are light, warm and pack well, thin wool suiting takes very little space. Shoes take the most space, I bring one extra pair, and maybe a pair of d’Orsay flats for formal dinners. Unless it’s very formal and dressy no heels. If I need to wear an extra blazer or suit jacket while travelling I’ll take it off on the plane or car. Like a few others, actually wearing it during travel would end up icky, but almost wearing it is fine.

      I think your jardigan and hair dryer is what’s bulking your case – thick, wrinkle-resistant ponte fabrics are quite bulky compared to thin wool.

      I can do two nights away in a 20L travel clamshell backpack, including laptop. More than that I want my carryon, mostly to get more shoes.

    12. I don’t wear makeup or use a hair dryer, I just sleep in a t-shirt and underwear so it takes up basically no space, and I have a small toiletry bag for deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste.

  9. I have a week off between jobs, what life maintenance things would you do to have a fresh footing before starting a new job? I think a closet reorganization, some weeding, and meal prepping some easy breakfasts for the freezer are in order but also trying to think of what else I should do.

    1. I would do none of that nonsense and instead live it up. Hikes, botanical gardens, museums, reading for pleasure, never using my phone. Chores are always an option. Freedom is not.

      2. This. + vacation if you can swing it. I still think about the 4 days I spent at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico after leaving a really toxic job.

        1. And even if you can’t swing a big vacation for financial or other reasons, do the best staycation you possibly can. Go to museums in your hometown, take a surfing lesson, climb a mountain, or do whatever makes sense in your area.

      3. +1. Never use a precious break in between jobs for a closet reorg! I will die on that hill.

    2. haircut, doc appointments (if you have insurance), if you own a home, scheduling any home maintenance appointments, car maintenance appointments

      1. I love to schedule a hair appt right before the start of things like this/whenever I am going somewhere new so I can feel extra put together when I first go in.

    3. I would spend a few hours getting a mani/pedi and a haircut. First impressions of people stick surprisingly well!

    4. girl I would do none of that and book a last-minute trip to the Caribbean. There is nothing better than a between-jobs vacation.

      1. +1 i spent my last between jobs time off in Hawaii enjoying the blissful time off from slack messages!

    5. I would take the first weekend to do all the life things that fit into that time and then RELAX for the rest of the time. Congrats on the new job!

      1. As someone who would otherwise not enjoy a vacation for guilt of the things *I should* be doing, this is a helpful approach. Knocking out a few things helps me relax and enjoy the time off.

    6. Hikes in beautiful settings, or a yoga class. Phone calls or get together with old friends.

    7. Zero chores. Just things that are a hassle or impossible to do on weekends: hair appointment, quiet lunch at a restaurant with wine, museums, walking through a nature preserve, have a 5:00 happy hour dinner, take advantage of weekday massage specials, read a book at an empty coffee shop, attend a mid morning exercise class…

    8. Have a ladies who lunch week. By this I mean, enjoy a museum on a weekday, grab a decadent lunch, get your nails done without being stressed for time, browse a boutique. If you want to spend a day organizing your closet go for it, but please embrace just having a week to putz around.

    9. Hair, nails, massage. A week is so little time. If you had a month, I’d do those things you mention, but with only a week I agree it should be about relaxing!

    10. Use the time to find a cleaner and make healthy freezer meals for the first few weeks when you’ll be super busy. Make sure your outfits for the first week are picked out.

      Then doctor, haircut, mani/pedi, see friends, then any spare time go do fun things…art gallery, hikes, bike rides, vacation etc.

      Congratulations!

  10. I am slightly embarrassed to be asking this question, but what do you do/who do you call if you are in a car accident? if you have a flat tire? I drove in high school, but it’s been like 20 years since I regularly drove a car.

    1. We have AAA for all manner of road emergencies. Your auto insurance carrier may offer a roadside assistance clause, but I always decline that in favor of AAA because I’ve always found AAA reliable. If you’re in an accident also call your insurance company.

    2. It depends on what’s going on. Flat tire? I change it myself. Car won’t run? Call a tow. You can also get a membership with AAA, or some vehicles have these standard with their cars, and then you can call them. In a car accident, call the police.

    3. Flat tire – AAA
      Car accident – assuming no person is injured and the car is drivable, you don’t need to call anyone at the scene of the accident. You exchange contact and insurance information with the other driver, never admit any liability and contact your insurance company afterwards to give them a head’s up that someone else may be filing a claim and to get the process started for repairs if needed. If the car isn’t drivable, AAA for a tow.
      I’ve never called the police about a minor accident, and in my city I think they’d be annoyed about being called for a fender bender.

      1. In my state you are legally required to call the police if the damage exceeds $1,500. These days I think even the smallest scratch would exceed that threshold. It’s also helpful with insurance to have a police report if you are dealing with an uninsured driver on the other side.

        1. Some jerk hit and ran on my car in a parking lot. It left a deep 6-12 in dent on my back side. Insurance covered it but the repair was in the $3000 range, and it really didn’t look that bad compared to a proper “car accident”. Happily they were able to get it back to like new.

          Also take a real look at your car and notice how big the individual panels are now. The panels are huge surface areas if it’s not repairable. The side mirrors have all kinds of expensive features now. Anything that leaves damage will be expensive, and you want to take photos at minimum.

        2. In my state, you’re legally required to report it to the DMV if the damage exceeds $1k but that doesn’t require a call to the police. And our insurance has always handled the DMV report for us.

    4. Car insurance may include roadside assistance, even if you don’t have AAA. Either of those can help with dead batteries (keep jumper cables in your car and try that first, but sometimes they’re truly dead) and lockouts as well. Police for car accident, followed by insurance.

      1. AAA will give you a jump and will even sell you a new battery and replace it right on the spot.

      2. Yes – I just used this jumpstart service this weekend with progressive. On the road within an hour

    5. Car accident? If injuries, 911 for an ambulance. If the other driver is being belligerent or threatening (which has happened to me way too many times), 911 for police and stay in my car with windows up and door locked. If serious even with no obvious injuries, 911 for police. If it’s just a fender-bender, ideally I would exchange info with the other driver and then call my insurance when I get home. However, my insurance has recently started recommending we call police from the scene of the accident to ask whether to stay at the scene or file a report online later, even if it is just a fender bender. Apparently too many other parties have given fake or expired info and my agent says having a police report makes claims go much more smoothly.

      Flat tire? My husband, either to help swap the spare or to remove the flat & pick me up, then drop the flat at our mechanic for repair. If my husband isn’t available or if we are stuck with a flat in the car that doesn’t have a spare, we would google for a mobile mechanic local to wherever I am stuck. Mobile mechanics are amazing and have saved us on road trips on more than one occasion.

    6. Get a portable jump starter – we have the NOCO Boost and have used it a lot, for us and others. It charges with a USB cord. Keep it charged in the back of your car for quick and easy battery jumps (no second car needed).

    7. We have roadside assistance as part of our insurance, so we call them if we need to be towed. I can change a tire myself, but would honestly probably call my husband to do it lol. For a minor accident, I just exchange insurance information and submit a claim. This happened to me the other day–someone rear-ended me. We were in a terrible spot trying to merge on the freeway. I did not want to move our cars somewhere else and the police in our city would take forever to respond, if they came at all. I just took a picture of his license, registration, and insurance and we went on our way. Both cars were driveable and no one was injured.

    8. In many states, you do have to report any accident with over $1000 in damage to the police or DMV. That’s a pretty low bar these days so know your state law. I was once in line at the DMV behind someone who got their license suspended for not doing this, so at least in some cases there are real consequences!

      1. Your insurance agent normally does this if you have insurance. It’s good to double check but I’ve had car accidents in three different states and in all of them the insurance agent handled the mandatory reporting without any prompting on my part. The person you saw getting their license suspended may have been uninsured.

    9. Flat tire/dead battery – AAA or roadside assistance that comes with your car or car insurance. Ymmv on which will come faster. I’ve waited 3 hours for AAA before. I have a BMW now and it comes with roadside assistance for X years, so I’d probably try them first.

      Car accident – the police/911. You’ll want a police report for insurance purposes even if it’s in a private parking lot (meaning no one is getting a ticket). I’ve even seen the police be moderately helpful when called for a hit and run in a parking lot. DH and I witnessed a hit and run as we were walking into a big box store. The damaged car owner wasn’t present. We left a note on the windshield with a brief description of the offending car and our contact info. The police were there when we came out of the store and we offered our statements. They actually called it in! Suburban CT, fwiw.

    10. RE flat tire – imo, very worth learning to change yourself even if you have roadside assistance because it’ll be faster. But do a practice run in your driveway! (AKA, don’t be me, sitting in the Walmart parking lot reading the tiny instructions)

      I have a car emergency box with:
      – Slime + portable air pump
      – Replacement bulb for headlights, tail lights (and the one screwdriver you need to replace tail lights)
      – Cigarette lighter air pump
      – Flashing lights for visibility if at side of road
      – a blanket, some granola bars, hat and gloves
      – (next on purchase list – portable battery)

      Rarely needed, but I really like the feeling of security from being able to fix this stuff AND as a bonus, the ability to be the woman who stops when I see other women stuck and can teach them how to change a tire now :)

      1. Just a note on changing it yourself. I would absolutely change it myself if I were in a safe place like a parking lot. But never try to change your own tire on the freeway. Too many horror stories. Stay in your car until help arrives.

    11. I will call the police in any case, because they can advise whether to stay there or whether filing a report online is enough. Insurance often requires it, as well.

      FIY, if you have a kid’s car seat in your car, your insurance usually covers the replacement cost for a new one in most scenarios where there was impact, even if considered a minor fender bender.

      Also, don’t underestimate that you might have injuries (whiplash) that may only show up later, even if airbags didn’t deploy. Having a police report on file helps in those cases in case you need medical treatment later.

    12. If you’re ever in an accident and are able to- take pictures of the scene! It can be very helpful for insurance.

    13. My car had a very unexpected breakdown in rural Vermont after a ski trip. I called a few people: a friend who excels in car repair and has a similar model car to mine; AAA for a tow; and my mechanic back home, to recommend a local-ish mechanic. I also kept in touch with a few friends as to where I was, who would be fixing the car, which hotel I was staying in, etc.

    14. I was hit in two separate car collisions over the last 6 months. Each time the police were called, and it really helped the process go very smoothly. I had minor injuries each time, neither of which was really felt at the time of the collision (whiplash/neck pain in the first, concussion in the second).
      I took photos of the accident each time, not just mine but also of the other car’s damage and license plate. These helped the insurance claim submission process.
      The second crash my car looked fine from the outside, but there was internal damage and repairs were more expensive than the car value (and my car was brand new…) and insurance totaled the car.

      For tire issues or a jump I call AAA if i am on my own. If my husband is around he will jump my car. AAA is so fast at switching out tires that I prefer them doing it.

      1. And by “looking fine” I mean was scratched/gouged in spots, but it looked repairable.
        I was hit in the back by the first car, which propelled me forward and i smashed into a parked car head on. No airbags deployed, but i was shaken up. The external damage looked minimal compared to what i expected it to look like for the circumstances.

  11. This dress is the perfect level of formality for my needs, but the sleeves and the length aren’t quite right for my frame. Where else can I look for dresses with short or 3/4 sleeves that will blend in in a variety of business casual and business formal environments? I have some old ones from MMLF but they feel dated and their newer styles are just weird.

    1. Brooks Brothers has some nice shirt dresses this season. I’d normally say Ann Taylor but they’re hit and miss. Talbots can also be a good option though they run larger/less fitted.

  12. My brother has asked me to go no contact with his ex-wife and I’m torn. They were married over 30 years (they’re 20 years older than me) and have grown children (closer to my age). One child just got married and has a baby on the way. I just had a baby, so I’m hoping our kids will be close. I want to maintain a cordial relationship with his ex in part because I know she’ll be a somewhat ancillary presence in my child’s life. To me, that means sending Christmas cards and baby announcements and being nice if I see her in person. Apparently that is deeply hurtful to my brother.

    There has been hurt on both sides with the divorce. IMO, they have never been a good fit. He’s outdoorsy, affectionate, and outgoing; she’s reserved, cold, and is happiest knitting at home. Now that the kids are grown, he wants to reclaim his adventurous spirit and he wants a partner to do that with. She wants to embrace the old lady lifestyle and is completely done with the great outdoors (a surprise to no one but my brother). She’s hurt that he’s leaving her over something “so minor” after 30+ years, he’s hurt that she “took everything” aka half of “his” assets – which happens when you have a SAHW since you were 20. I don’t blame either of them for the divorce, they had a successful marriage and now they want different things. I think they’re both being naive to think this is what an acrimonious divorce looks like. They’ve been divorced (as in final) for 4 years, the process started pre-covid.

    My relationship with my brother has been much better since the divorce. Years ago, I divorced an abusive ex who tried to kill me. My brother’s family was very judgmental of my decision to divorce. It’s not a religious thing, we’re Episcopalian, but they’re very conservative politically and they’ve always looked down on divorced people. I was distantly cordial with them for a lot of years. My view is, I will not subject myself to unfair criticism but the door is always open to family if they want to play nice. Since his divorce, my brother now wants to be close and not judgy.

    I don’t want to blow that up over a once or twice a year communication with his ex. But I also think he’s being petty and I’m not sure I’m ok jumping on the petty bandwagon. For nearly two decades, I couldn’t have a conversation with him without him criticizing me for leaving a man who nearly killed me. I didn’t have speeches at my wedding (to current DH) because he insisted on speaking to praise me for hopefully actually committing this time. Yet sending a card once a year to his ex — who did nothing wrong — is “deeply hurtful”? I guess I’m not as over the past as I would like to be. And I’m also annoyed that he’s calling me 4 years post-divorce when I’m 3 weeks postpartum to tell me how hurt he is that I sent a baby announcement to his ex. But I recognize I’m hormonal; I need a gut check here. AITA?

    1. I would absolutely ignore him. He’s a jerk and you know it. Hang up or just ignore his messages. He’s not happy unless he has a reason to be putting you down.

    2. NTA at all. He is an AH for sure especially because of how he treated you in the past and how he’s treating you post-partum.

      I would grey rock him. Just say you are focused on your baby and not going to get into petty details about greeting cards. Then change the subject. If he insists on referencing or discussing this ex-wife, the baby is crying and you have to go. If your communication is via email/text, be similarly vague and brief.

      Don’t worry about him. Take care of yourself and enjoy your baby.

    3. I would not capitulate to his demands. But take my advice with a grain of salt since my brother is kind of a twat too though and he’s been verbally abusive to all his partners and tbh I think all his ex partners have better moral character than him.

    4. Your feelings are valid. Having a baby also heightens emotions and the importance of relationships/support, so I’m sorry this is happening now. Give it time. Maybe your brother will soften as he moves on with his life. Ultimately, though, the real relationship you have left is with your brother. I wouldn’t sacrifice it just to exchange pleasantries with his ex. It doesn’t sound like his ex is super close with your family or you? You describe her as cold, so I’m not sure what you will salvage here.

        1. Yeah, I think your brother is being kind of a jerk, but I would also just send a Christmas card, baby announcement, whatever, to your nephew (your brother’s son, who has the kid close in age to yours, right?). Then, if you run into the ex in person, treat her politely of course.

          1. +1

            Yes, this is the way.

            Your connection to maintain is with your nieces/nephews…. not the ex.

      2. Your brother is an AH, who you have extremely valid resentments against. He was awful to you, and is now being controlling and weird. He left his wife for a somewhat trivial reason that sounds like it blindsided her, and then was upset that she got what she was legally entitled to.

        It seems like this is less about the cards themselves, and more about not wanting to be bullied or controlled by him. I think it would be a good opportunity to try setting boundaries with him. It’s about the principle of it – he sounds very self-absorbed, and to have people like that in your life, it’s important to set continual boundaries and not allowed to be bullied.

    5. Wait he wants you to 1000% be on his side in his divorce but harassed you for 20 years about yours? Yeah you don’t have to entertain this. Someone calling to complain about that when you’re 3 weeks postpartum is not being considerate – you can just ignore that.

    6. There’s clearly a lot of baggage and emotions tied up here, but a Christmas card and baby announcement are not critical pieces of information and if you are serious about wanting a relationship with your brother, it seems pretty simple to stop sending to her. People get taken off Christmas card lists all the time, and presumably you won’t be sending another baby announcement for a long time (or ever…subsequent kids don’t always get all the bells and whistles). I get that it feels unreasonable, but often people are around divorce. Being cordial if you see her seems fine, as that’s what decent human beings do.

      FWIW I don’t sent cards to my ex-SIL either. And we’re still Facebook friends and I’ve occasionally been to her house for kid parties so it’s not some huge slight. Cards are expensive, pare down the list.

      1. I never send Christmas cards to my brothers’ ex wives either. They left the family. When I rarely see them, I am nice of course.

      3. +1 And I think you’re overestimating the presence your ex-SIL will have in your life.

      4. I think those of you taking brothers side are missing the forest for the trees.

        OP is slowly realizing how toxic and abusive her brother is and sees this decision as part of her evolution in learning to identify the abuse he has shown her and learning to stand up for herself. By simply agreeing to his (unreasonable and unnecessary) demands she is backsliding in her progress.

        1. I’m not taking brother’s side, I’m taking OP at face value that she wants to nurture a relationship with him. I’m glad others are chiming in to prompt her to think more deeply about it. But, people have weird relationship hang-ups, even absent toxic behavior, so I don’t think a Christmas card is the hill to die on

      5. How does he even know about the Christmas card? I would find a request to “go no contact” with a parent of family members of mine, who I’ve known for years, weird and controlling unless I’m missing something big about what they divorced over. Maybe it’s not a big deal, but then it shouldn’t be a big deal to him either?

        It really meant a lot to me growing up when in-laws who were a big part of my life my entire life weren’t totally cut off after the kind of divorces where no one had crossed certain lines.

        I hope my siblings know that they’re the ones who chose to bring their significant others into my life, and that unless there’s some kind of betrayal or abuse, I’m not planning on cutting off people who were family for years just because things didn’t work out long term.

    7. Do you want to get back at your brother for the way he treated you, or do you want to move on and continue the improved relationship with him? You clearly have support here in the comments for the former, if that’s what you’re after. Doesn’t seem like the best long term plan to me, though.

      1. I guess I don’t see it as getting back at him? I get that I’m coming off annoyed though. I’m mostly perplexed that it’s even an issue. It’s not like I’m calling this woman or taking her out for coffee. We’ve never been close. We’re still not close.

        If he’d asked me not to send Christmas cards when they first got divorced then I wouldn’t have. But so many years later just feels like… why. Nothing new has happened. He’s claiming that he asked me to go no contact ages ago but that never happened. Their kid got married not long ago so I guess he’s annoyed that he had to interact with her and the baby announcement seems like insult upon injury, or something. Idk.

        I recognize there’s an element of my own stubbornness – I thought he was calling me to check in on how I’m healing and how the baby is doing. Instead I was blindsided by criticism about sharing the happiest news of my life. At a time that my emotions are already all over the place. So I get that it might seem like I’m coming from a place of spite because I feel like digging in my heels a little. I’ve been sitting with this for a couple of days reflecting on my reaction. Finally I just thought I’d get some feedback from others. So thank you to everyone regardless of where you’re coming out!

        1. I totally get how you feel. I think he is TA regardless of what you decide to do here. He shouldn’t make YOUR benign cards about HIM.

        2. OP listen closely. I really need you to know that your brother sounds like a total POS and you are not doing anything wrong. Keep identifying and sticking to your own boundaries.

    8. You are NTA. Why does he know what cards his ex-wife has received? If they’ve been divorced for 4 years, he should be over this kind of snooping.

      Also, you say your brother wants to be close now that he is divorced. There’s a chance that he wants to be close until he remarries and forms a new family at which point you get put on the back burner again in terms of relationships. Given the substantial chance of that happening, I would suggest living by your own moral compass and not letting him impose his issues on you.

      1. He’s remarried! I absolutely love his new wife, she’s the sister I never had, words cannot express how awesome she is. The OP was getting long so I didn’t include this, but when he called me he told me that new SIL was hurt that I sent the announcement to former SIL. So I called new SIL because I felt terrible that I’d hurt her feelings. She had no idea what I was talking about. She doesn’t care at all. Which, I didn’t think she cared because I wouldn’t have done it if I thought it would hurt her!

        1. She sounds like a gem. And you weren’t wrong to think that. This should be a nothing burger that he is trying to stir up into something about him.

      1. +1 to your brother sucks.
        I’m petty so I’d tell him something along the lines of ‘when you apologize for your attitude about my divorce I’d be happy to hear your thoughts about my attitude towards your divorce. Otherwise this topic is closed.’

    10. I would tell him you want to maintain a civil relationship with the mother of his children. If he really gets pushy, I would add that it is unfortunate that he cannot bring himself to do the same. And then I would ignore him. This is not a family member asking you to cut off an ex who was abusive or cheating. This is him being petty and ridiculous.

    11. Eh, just tell him you sent the baby announcement fishing for gifts and let it go.

      1. Ha, unless he’s the jerk who resents her getting HIS money and then sending some of that to you. He is TA.

    12. uh, i don’t get your brother’s problem. my great uncle (so my grandmother’s brother) got divorced. my grandmother (his sister) stayed friendly with the ex-wife. the ex-wife even sent me and my sister birthday cards and was invited to our bat mitzvahs. i guess perhaps it would’ve been different if my great-uncle had asked my grandmother not to, like your situation, but unless something happened recently, this was a request for 4 years ago, not now. and its your baby, you can send an announcement to whoever you want.

    13. Two things to consider.

      1. Your brother is abusing his ex wife by asking you to stop communicating with her. It’s very hard getting divorced and as you acknowledge she has done nothing to deserve this and, I assume based on the lack of support for your situation, probably has little support.

      2. Your relationship with his ex wife is because you are going to see her at family events. She is the mother of your nieces and nephews. Her welfare is directly linked to the welfare of your brothers children. Send her the Christmas card if that’s what you want to do.

      I am divorced and I still have a relationship with my sister in law. She isn’t a bad person and actually purposefully supports her nieces and nephews, putting real effort into the relationship as she doesn’t have children of her own. Why would I cut her off? Why would she cut me off?

  13. Any recommendations for a sports bra with serious support in a small size? I wear a 30C/D in regular bras and I’ve bought several sized XS sports bras that feel tight when I try them on but don’t provide enough support when I’m running on the treadmill, so I’m hoping someone here can recommend something.

    2. Any bra that isn’t in band and cup sizes is going to be inadequate for running in your size. Go online and order one from the brand shock absorber.

      1. Yup. My rec is always the Panache 5021, which has bands as small as 28 and cups up to at least J.

      1. I disagree with this. LL seems to assume that C or D cup means a larger band size. 30D is volume wise similar to 34B but a proper band size is key. Anything LL I’ve had with a decent band, always squashed me which is OP’s issue.

    5. Have you tried sports bras from actual running brands, like the Brooks Juno, or similar? Those make a world of difference, above anything else I have worn.

    7. Shock absorber max. They run very tight and small, so with your size I’d actually recommend trying 32D first, then 30D. The black one is tightest (black bras always are).

    1. Honestly, a lot of men are so not marriage material right now. Not only is joblessness up, sense of responsibility and maturity are both down. Many men I know expect to be able to lay around and play video games all day, to put themselves first over their families, to take advantage of anything they can get for free out of women. They turn up their noses at high-paying “women’s work” jobs. They’re addicted to p0rn and entitled in the bedroom. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that they’re not attractive mates.

      1. I wish I could go back and shake younger me. Marriage is not a winning proposition for women, but I wanted to fit in and accomplish the socially expected milestones.

      2. +1 I know lots of women my age (late 30s) who are choosing not to date right now because it’s awful.

      3. I’ve been married for 30+ years to an awesome guy, but long ago I had a roommate whose aunt told her “it takes a hellava good man to be better than no man at all” and I think those are words to live by!

    2. The article does a really good job of explaining the general phenomenon (which is not new; this has been trending for some time. I recommend both The Way We Never Were and Is Marriage for White People? for excellent if slightly outdated explorations of this topic on top of the article and the paper on which it is based).

      My surface read: The economic argument for marriage has become less compelling for lower income people. Fewer lower income women marry because there is little incentive for them to do so. Higher earning men without college degrees are marrying women with college degrees and the men who are left are not attractive economic propositions. Combine that with the decrease in societal pressure to marry (and the disapproval of single mothers) and women without college degrees and lower earning men are remaining single.

      It is popular to think of marriage as the union of two compatible souls, which is super romantic. But for most of human history marriage has been an economic proposition as much as a personal one.

    3. One of the best things about DH is his willingness to reexamine and reject assumptions that he’s come to because so many of his peers did X. Recent-ish example: he assumed men continue to drink as normal while their wife is pregnant and the wife is the DD.

      When I got pg he realized this assumption is actually pretty fcked up. Even if I wasn’t high risk, which I am, things can do wrong at any point in pregnancy. Him being too drunk to drive me to the hospital would be totally unacceptable. Expecting me to stay out late (or come back out when I’m relaxing at home) when I’m tired and nauseas and my back hurts and I feel cruddy, so he can party and have a free ride home — also unacceptable. And just in general, pregnancy sucks and feels really isolating; watching your partner act like nothing has changed really sucks. We’re in this together. Not drinking is such a small thing he can do to share the burden.

      He went from assuming he’d continue to drink and socialize to being very against drinking as long as I can’t. And this is far from the only thing he’s done a 180 on! Being in a serious relationship has opened his eyes to what bad partners most men are.

      1. Is that normal behavior for other couples, though? Glad your husband changed his mind, but it sounds like you both have kind of weird ideas about what “most men” do.

        1. A lot of people have really weird ideas about “most men” and the anecdata that makes the rounds on social media (including here) does not align with the actual data.

          College educated white women are more likely to be married and stay married than less educated women, which is a contributor to pervasive income inequality on a population level. Which is not to say that individuals can and do vary and people need to make the best decisions for themselves.

        2. She specifically referenced that the assumption was something he came to because “so many of his peers did X.” So it sounds like its normal for his peers anyway.

        3. I mean yeah both of us have run into this in social circles in the past (that we’re no longer part of) and with some couples even now (who are in the minority but still). It’s more prevalent in your 20s but I’ve been shocked to see men in their 30s and older still behaving this way. They go out to the bar with their friends while their pregnant wife pretends to have fun sitting on a backless barstool from happy hour until midnight and then drives them all home. They continue once the baby comes, they just leave wife and baby at home and figure out their own ride (or drive drunk). This is usually done by all the guys in a group so the guys get pressured to do it even if they’re otherwise decent men, and the wives get pressured to accept and even encourage it because otherwise they’re controlling harpies.

          I once dated a guy with friends like that and I’m so glad I didn’t marry him. It’s despicable behavior. It shows just how little they value women. These were all educated men and women, btw, where the wife worked too but probably made a little less than him. The men get to stay boys forever and the women are tasked with all responsibility including enabling his continued childhood.

      2. true story, my husband continued to drink as normal (which is maybe a couple beers or a couple glasses of scotch a few times a week) throughout my pregnancy, which I was 100% ok with. we had friends over for dinner on a Friday night, DH had a couple glasses of scotch with his friend. they went home, DH poured himself another glass, and 30 min later, I said “huh, I think I’m in labor.” He put the scotch down, drank a big glass of water, and went to take a nap so he could drive me to the hospital a couple hours later. I’ve never held it against him.

        1. So your husband drove drunk to get you to the hospital while you were in labor. And also took a nap instead of supporting you while you were in early labor. And you’re “100% ok with that”. I think maybe you should reconsider the internalized misogyny that has led you to accept that behavior from a grown man.

          1. Woah, this comment is a bit much. The guy stopped drinking as soon as she said she thought she was in labor, drank a glass of water and took a nap to sober up before taking her to the hospital. Labor can take hours before you need to go to the hospital. Yes, I certainly would have given him grief after the fact, especially for not comforting me while I was in labor, but this isn’t misogyny–it’s poor decision making.

          2. That’s a take.

            I’m not the OP but here is a saner take: if the guy drank, say, 3 drinks over the course of 3 hours, and is a somewhat average size man (not small enough to be a jockey), he would be well under the legal limit to drive.

            He drank water, then took a nap because she could need to go to the hospital in ten minutes or maybe at 3 am, and being awake for that drive was important.

          3. It was at least 4 hours later, and I was honestly glad to process alone; I do not respond well to other people’s attempts at comfort when I’m stressed. The baby was a couple weeks early, I remember part of the dinner conversation was how these were his last drinks until the baby came so he could be ready to drive to the hospital. In any case, I watched some TV and took a bath, then I woke DH up around 1 or 2 am. It was 12+ years ago, he’s a great husband and a great dad. I feel like one of the keys to success in my marriage, is mutually being able to laugh when things go a little sideways, even if someone clearly made a choice that sent them that way, instead of seeing malice and deal-breakers. I don’t drink much anyway, so there wasn’t a dynamic where I was pining for some booze and watching him drink, jealously. If I liked drinking I might have felt differently, but it didn’t seem necessary at the time or now for him to give up something he enjoyed. But sure, that may all just be internalized misogyny…women, after all, are properly a complete monoculture of feelings, and any deviation from what you think is right is clearly disordered thinking.

          4. Would the husband have made the same choices, had he been able to predict that she’d go into labor that evening? Clearly not. But he was able to be there when it counted. There is a middle ground between abusive/neglectful relationships on the one side, and expecting constant perfection from a partner/expecting perfection from yourself on the other side.

    4. I’m never going to understand the modern phenomenon of men being increasingly insufferable. You know what I mean. “Trad” men? “Alpha”men? They hate women, think women are beneath them, think women somehow owe them s*x and subscribe to a philosophy that says they should be as selfish and cruel as possible at all times. And then they’re lonely? There is a loneliness epidemic among men? Buddy, you can’t be kind or considerate to anyone. This is stuff you were undoubtedly taught in literal kindergarten. Yeah, being a self jerk will cause loneliness. What a shock no one wants to marry that!

      1. Right?? Also this whole “men are in crisis” bs. Men control society and have since the beginning of time, so fix it yourselves, dudes. It’s not on women to make y’all desirable.

        1. The true crisis of masculinity is that men no longer want to be adult men. They want to remain teenage boys forever.

      2. Their solution seems to be rolling back laws and norms that give women the options besides marrying these douchebags.

  15. Recommendations for a king bed frame? Please share any place you’ve found one and loved. I’m happy to dig through sites but I’m hitting a wall on where to look.
    We want a complete bedframe (not just a headboard) and we’re open to either wood or upholstered. We’d like it to be a bit high off the ground and ~$2K but flexible for the right piece.
    For reference, I love the Anthro “Judarn Pied-A-Terre Bed” but it feels too low for me

    1. Room&Board. A little above your price range but very high quality and lots of color/design options. I have the Avery style.

    2. My king bed is from PerLora. And it is SOLID. They have a lot of options for customization.

      Idk if they ship out of Pittsburgh though.

  16. I help manage the e-mails for a high school group that isn’t school related (say, a community play or a youth group). We routinely send e-mails to all kids and CC parents (often b/c kids need rides and a family needs to coordinate across many kids). I got a reply to “please RSVP for Event X by Date Y.” I got a reply from the kid’s e-mail, but it was written by (and signed by) the mom. Is that weird? Kid is reasonably smart and drives a car. Or do parents just helicopter and ghost-write everything now? I imagine if mom is on kid’s e-mail on the regular (during the workday — mom works a building over from me), then it’s not a one-off but all the time. I don’t get it — it wasn’t urgent and kid could have checked e-mail and replied after school let out for the day (kids aren’t allowed to have phones during the school day).

    1. Eh, I’m guessing the kid only uses email for school stuff and so a parent keeping tabs on it for scheduling is how I view my admin having access to my inbox at work.

    2. I have access to my kid’s email on my phone and I might have gotten confused if I was looking at “all email” instead of just my account (i.e., thought it was to me or I was BCC’d.) There are some things like Google Classroom and schedules on Google Calendar that require school email access and it’s a pain/impossible to get access without school email.

    4. I have a Girl Scout troop and even the very very assiduous ones rarely check (or use) their email. That said, nearly all of them do have to coordinate with their parents for meetings, transportation, events, etc., so thank you for emailing both the parent and kid about upcoming stuff.

      While I don’t make a habit of ghostwriting or responding for my kid, I do sometimes when she’s overwhelmed with homework or has a bunch of tests coming up. That probably makes me a helicopter by some standards, but at my kids’ school, the helicopters are the ones that go through the syllabi with a fine-tooth comb and fight over every assignment.

      1. Please stop doing this now. Life is sometimes overwhelming and kids need to learn how to handle it when the stakes are lower.

        Signed, exhausted higher ed admin

        1. You make an excellent point. FWIW, I’m talking 1-3 times per school year.

      2. I think that for youth protection purposes, you should always CC a parent when e-mailing youth. That should be a best practice for safety and not just a CC for convenience. Sunshine prevents a lot of problems.

        2. +10000 I’m a volunteer coach and it is a Safe Sport violation to email/text directly with students.

        3. the issue wasn’t that the parents are CC’d and that someone’s parent replied. It was that the parent replied, but typed the email from their kid’s account, revealing that they have access to their kid’s inbox.

          I don’t see this as omghelicoptering per se, though if the kid never has to work on arranging their own schedule, that’s a problem.

          1. Sometimes I’d like to invite the omghelicoptering crowd to read all of the announcements on all of the platforms that are sent in all of the different ways along with all of the email notices from the ONE school and then see if they could figure out what they were supposed to do the next week. (In our district, this involves Canvas, Aeries, Parent Square, Remind, BAND, texts, robocalls, good old emails and the occasional mailer.)

            Once they have that squared away, they can pay for activities/t-shirts/school appreciation/silent auction donations/thank you plaques/extra lessons/AP tests through the six or seven different payment platforms, except when the kid needs to bring cash to the school office between the hours of 8 and 3.

        4. This. My daughter took art lessons from our 15 year old neighbor, and I texted the daughter directly to coordinate the schedule each week, and I felt very uncomfortable with it, even though I’m a women and obviously nothing inappropriate was happening. It’s standard in all the volunteering I’ve done to always -cc parents on communications with minors and I personally feel much more comfortable copying parents even if they don’t get involved.

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