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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Silk Jacquard Wrap Dress

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A woman wearing a pink wrap dress, gold chain necklace, and black heels. She is carrying a black handbag.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Is this hot pink silk jacquard dress from Scanlan Theodore too much? Or is it just right? I think this wrap shirtdress would be absolutely perfect for a day when you need to be the center of attention — like a keynote speech or a big presentation.

If you’re looking to blend in a bit, it also comes in espresso and ocean blue.

The dress is $900 at Scanlan Theodore and comes in sizes 2-12.

Sales of note for 5/8:

  • Nordstrom – Savings event – up to 25% off! Good deals on Veronica Beard, Vince, Reiss (esp. coats), and Boss, as well as Wit & Wisdom and NYDJ
  • Ann Taylor – Mother's Day Event: 40% off your purchase. Readers love this popover blouse, and their suiting is also in the sale.
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code
  • Express – $39+ summer styles + 25% off everything else
  • J.Crew – Up to 50% off swim, dresses, and more
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off sitewide — lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Lo & Sons – Mother's Day Sale: Up to 40% off — reader favorites include this laptop tote, this backpack, and this crossbody
  • Loft – 50% off your purchase + free shipping, plus 2 for $28 tanks and tees
  • MAC – Enjoy 30% off lip products and receive a 4-piece Mother's Day gift with $90
  • M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
  • Ruti – Take $55 off your purchase with code 55ONUS
  • Sephora – Free same-day delivery for Mother's Day with code
  • Talbots – 50% off wear-now styles (5/8 only)
  • The Outnet – Extra 30% off select styles, including Veronica Beard, Victoria Beckham, and Marni.
  • TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
  • Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!

263 Comments

  1. I hope to buy a house next year. I am saving up for carpet, paint, furniture, and decor. I grew up with very little and all my stuff now is goodwill/thrifted – no style. I would like to not only focus on price and use the move as a way to get some forever/nice stuff. Where do I start? I don’t think I can afford a decorator or designer. I get overwhelmed looking for “home style ideas” online.

    1. What is your style? Does it have to be new? I love all my antique paintings, some were as little as $5, though I’ll admit some were upwards of a few hundred. Style and cost are not directly correlated, I’d actually argue that homes copy and pasted from mass market retailers look the worst.

      1. Most of our art has been given to us by family and friends. Some of it isn’t “good” art in the eyes of critics, but I love it and I love the stories behind the pieces – this is the sketch my cousin did in his first week at RISD, this is the watercolor of his childhood cabin that my grandfather did in his retirement years, etc. I think it all looks great together.

    2. For me home decor is something where good old print journalism is the way to go. I would set aside a weekend and buy a heap of interiors magazines, go through them and figure out which ones are showing an aesthetic/vibe/price point you like, and start picking up that title or titles regularly. From that you can start to see the designers and stores you like and follow them on social media for ideas and vibes rather than your starting point being the whole internet. The usual advice is to live in a house for several months at least before decorating to figure out how you function in that space, how the light moves, the feel of living there – so if you’re buying next year you have plenty of time to make decisions. Have fun with it!

      1. My library has big coffee table style interior books that you can check out. And I can get all the interiors magazines through Libby.
        But I really like the book and Substack Mad About the House. She’s English, so tends a bit twee, but her mechanics of why things work/don’t work has been helpful.

        1. Not that poster but going to check this out! I also like the blog Laurel Bern interiors for that purpose – she explains why things like entryways are important for the flow of the home and how to balance proportions.

    3. Don’t forget to save for landscaping stuff depending where you’re buying.

      Pinterest is great for this. Create boards for a few rooms and just start saving pins you like. You’ll start to see patterns, even if you like a lot of styles one will be dominant. Think about how your mood and energy is affected by color, sunlight, clutter, flow. Where you’ll spend the most time and when.

      An online designer can help from there if you still feel lost.

      1. I have just straight-up copied rooms I liked from Pinterest or Houzz and have been happy with the results.

    4. Years ago, I saved one inspiration photo as my ideal living room look. It isn’t wildly out of step with my lifestyle. It looks comfortably lived in and cohesive without being a matched set furniture advertisement. There are accessories, plants, pillows, and lighting that are at a level that makes sense to me (i.e., the bookshelf is full of actual books and not curated sculptures and empty space, the sofa has one square pillow and a throw blanket that still allows room for a human to sit down without rearranging anything, and the lamps don’t look like they require special electrical considerations to be functional).

      I keep it on my phone so any time I am looking at furnishings, I can pull it up and see if the thing I am considering goes with the vibe. That one random photo I liked ages ago has been really helpful for guiding my interior decorating impulses towards a coherent theme.

    5. I ended up using Havenly to help with the interior designing of my new place. I knew the general vibe I wanted, but I really struggled with how to bring it to life in a way that still felt like me. They were super collaborative (lots of back and forth on my first room to get it just right and also talking about the furniture I already had that I wanted to incorporate) and then I’m able to work on sourcing the furniture myself. But because I have a list and a general idea to work from, it feels like I can source things secondhand more cohesively than just “I need an armchair, let’s go with this one.)

      1. Seconding Havenly! I used them almost ten years ago to design my living room and while I didn’t buy everything they recommended, I used it to help visualize what I wanted my space to look like so I could shop on my own. They also helped me with a weird little nook at the top of my stairs that is now one of my favorite places in my house.

    6. Don’t knock yourself too much. Thrifted rooms can have so much more style than overly done rooms. They usually do!

    7. Are you overwhelmed or do you not like this stuff? It’s really fine if you don’t like this stuff. There are designers who work for free at lots of furniture stores, including all the big ones. If you really want all new stuff you’re already spending very big bucks, but it’ll be cohesive, functional and very pretty. Will it be artistic and timeless and completely unique? No but honestly most beautiful homes are not.

      If you have less money to spend and you need to do what most of us do: figure out your style and buy piece by piece. You can start with the house. Architecture is destiny to a point. Is this a townhouse with a high ceiling and loft situation? That cottage core style is probably going to be hard to pull off successfully. Im from the land of housing with 8 foot ceilings. I personally think it looks bad to put antiques from a grand estate or fancy fireplaces into it. Clean lines and dramatic art work really nicely though. So that’s a good place to start.

      Also consider, if you hate internet decor searching, what spaces you like to be in in real life? For example, what restaurant spaces do you feel at home in? Do you like the marble and brass bar at a place Balthazar? Or do you like a dark moody lounge? Buttoned up white table cloth places or a casual butcher block counter?

      If all else fails, watch a Nancy Myers movie. I swear half of my girlfriends pin point that as their ideal style, but at least you can gauge if it’s too casual, busy or plain for your taste.

      1. +1 to all this.

        Especially the question of whether you actually LIKE design but don’t know where to start, or whether you don’t really want to get into it but just want something that looks nice. Either way is fine!

        If it’s that you like it but are overwhelmed, take it slow. Just like developing personal style for your clothing, it takes time to develop your eye and learn to put colors/shapes/objects together.

        If you don’t want to get into it and do it yourself but just want it to look nice, I’d move in with your thrift store stuff and save up until you have the budget to hire someone to help you.

    8. I started in a similar place… I’m now 15 years down the road and really love the home I have. For me, Pinterest was helpful to pin down the overall look I liked. I found it helpful to give myself permission to just do a little at a time – I’ll never forget one coworker came into our (new) house and the living room was just a (too small for the space) couch with bare wood floors and he said, ‘I like the roller rink vibe you’ve got on in here.’

      So start with a couch or a rug or even a lamp that you really love and be okay with building the room around it.

    9. I strongly suggest waiting until you actually buy the home. The era and layout of the house will greatly impact what kind of interior furnishings look right. I was really into MCM furniture until I purchased a Victorian house built in 1883! It’s a fabulous location in a walkable neighborhood, but this means that I now purchased vintage wool rugs and heavy oak furniture to match the houses esthetic.

      You will have so much fun with your new place! Don’t buy anything until you move in. Furnishing as you go is the best way.

    10. Some retailers have in house designers who are free who can help you get a good start. If you post what your style is, people here can probably provide good suggestions for both where to shop and blogs to follow.

    11. I agree with the poster who suggested the library, if at all possible. I’m not very knowledgeable about decorating, and what worked for me was to look at lots of different styles. I even looked at things I was pretty sure I didn’t like, and helped me to articulate likes and dislikes. For example, I realized I like sofas on legs because I want to be able to easily vacuum under them, and that led me to certain sofa styl spies.

    12. I find searching online to be overwhelming too until I have narrowed my focus at bit. I suggest going to multiple furniture stores (and stores that sell furniture like HomeGoods) to see what styles and types of furniture you like. This will also help you get a sense of what new furniture will cost for purposes of your budget. Do you have friends that are interested in home design? If so, they may be happy to join you when you go (this is something I would love to help a friend with). I would also still search in thrift stores for wood furniture but I think it is harder to find solid wood furniture and I wonder if it is because thrift stores have grown in popularity in the last 10 to 20 years.

      I also agree with waiting until you purchase your home but this is a perfect time to identify your style and potential options so you can move forward with those purchases when you settle into your home.

    13. I did a mix – Facebook marketplace, a few local furniture stores, consignment stores, and Room and Board. I also have a few old rugs and art pieces from my grandma that I love. I’m very happy and it still feels like a work in progress, 5+ years later. Agree with waiting to buy the place before committing too deeply to any specific furniture. You never know how the era, proportions, and light will work out until you’re there.

    14. My main piece of advice is don’t furnish all at once! Live there for a while with what you have and see after a few months what the pain points are. Art on the walls always makes a place look more complete while you get settled and its easy to move around.

      I interact with a lot of interior design content on instagram, so I see a lot of it. I save in a folder what grabs me and it makes it easy to scroll through and see patterns, like the paint color for a kitchen I always seem to gravitate to.

      I like jess_elwood_redesign on insta who shows before and after of rooms using just what people already own. Sometimes it is really more about curating what you have rather than buying entirely new!

      I also recommend going into a furniture store like Crate and Barrel where they have sort of set up rooms and seeing what “look” interests you. You can always buy some pieces from the store and supplement with facebook marketplace/estate sales/what you already own to create a similar look.

    15. Unless you specifically want a house that looks like a furniture catalogue, avoid buying everything at once, or at the same store.

      I think the most beautiful interiors are those that take time, and combine new and old, cheap and expensive.

      My favorite guide to good interiors is the first apartment therapy book, it’s an unassuming paperback, not glossy, but the advice is excellent.

    16. Also, it helps to live in your new home for awhile. When we moved we thought we wanted to set up our living room one way but then realized after we moved in that that would be a terrible idea given the amount of sun coming in the windows. So move first with what you have and then you can work on decorating over time!

    17. Google Laurel Bern Interiors. She has a blog, lots of guides, great taste and a sense of what is reasonable price-wise for the non-rich

    18. If you like painted furniture, you can cover a lot of mismatched Goodwill items with a paint job.

    19. The reality is that forever furniture cleanly lives in antique furniture. Even high end furniture made today is not going to last a long time unless it is custom built.

      I have owned my house almost 10 years and really only have 2 rooms mostly finished. That is because finding the right paint choices, furniture, furniture arrangements, art etc is really curated over time and lifestyle in a place. Some of it is also affordability. There are specific items I want, and instead of buying a cheap substitute, I’m saving for that item.

      I agree with others who said look online, walk around stores (including antique or thrift stores), but quite a bit will be determined by what home you buy. If you want the easier route, buy a fairly neutral mass produced sofa and cultivate smaller pieces that reflect your personality over time. Same with a bed frame. You can certainly find the better quality wood items like dining tables, dressers, etc. in antique stores with actual wood furniture.

      The thing that sets interesting spaces apart is learning to weave in things that are unique to you like an outfit. If it is picture perfect from day one, it’s probably generic (which is fine if that is what you want).

  3. PSA – if you use thrifted dishes or your grandmothers China take a look at this page (Lead Safe Mama), she does tests on lead and more in old dishes. If you have gold accents they may contain lead. I was able to find my grandmother’s pattern really quickly. https://tamararubin.com/

    1. I don’t eat off the metallic accents on any of the dishes I own. Maybe good to know for someone who serves finger food to kids on Grandma’s china!

      Generally I’m not sure if Lead Safe Mama is considered a totally reliable source.

      1. Does lead stay contained to the accent sections? Not an expert on that. But I do know that women who are TTC or considering TTC soon should also be mindful of this, not just women who are already serving kids food.

        1. There’s no safe amount of lead, but also no one is exposed to 0% lead. I would filter my tap water before I’d toss special occasion dishes.

          1. I don’t think OP of this thread said anything about dishes used only for special occasions. She meant that if you’re buying new dishes for your household use, it’s a good opportunity to check out the lead content, as there are some beautiful dishes that contain lead and a lot that don’t.

    2. Or, since the 100+ year old heavily gold-accented Limoges plates are used only for special occasion dessert service, I can just not worry about it.

    3. Pewter contains lead. Crystal contains lead. Solder used on plumbing pipes contains lead. The existence of lead in proximity to you is different than lead actually leaching into your food or into the air you breathe.

          1. I didn’t know that US regulatory agencies were wellness influencers years before MAHA.

          2. How is that “wellness fearmongering?” PVC isn’t something you want to be in contact with.

          1. Yes. Generally there are many fewer things to worry about in life if we just wash our hands with soap and water before handling food we’re going to eat.

          2. It’s so unusual to me that so many of you equate taking basic precautions (or purchasing safer alternatives) with “worry.” I guess that must be a hard way to live – if anxiety is ever-present for you, I can see why it would feel more difficult than it needs to be to select the glass Tupperware off the shelf instead of the plastic one.

    4. Lead safe mama has no legitimate credentials and her hype is based on fear mongering. She is not a trusted or reliable source of information.

      1. As someone who studied chemistry and now works in marine toxicology, it really grinds my gears when everyone thinks they’re an expert from Google.

        1. So what is the real story? Lay reader here. I think that some dishes have lead, particularly older ones. My daily drivers, bought new, are fine. The old china I got from my mom and use at holidays . . . even if it isn’t OK, is it fine due to infrequency of use?

          1. Everything has risk, but risk is in the concentration (dose) and frequency(exposure time). Heavy metals with the low exposure level of old dishes (assuming they’re in good shape) is much less risky than a bunch of normal every day activities like drinking wine.

      2. Can we just agree that women opt to be called “mama” by anyone but their own progeny should not be taken seriously?

        1. No, we are not going to dismiss women solely on the basis of how they relate to motherhood.

          What a gross comment.

          1. It’s using familial status to shut down debate about their lack of credentials. Being a mother makes you an expert in children, not toxicology

          2. It is fine for women to use the term mama to describe themselves. It is not fine to discard an entire segment of women based on how they choose to refer to their own maternal status.

          3. Is it really using status to shut down debate over credentials? “Shut down” might be too strong of a claim. Maybe it’s just an attempt to be relatable to other mothers, or to signal that she cares about protecting her children. And since when does being a mother make you an expert in children?

            I’m not a fan of the word “mama,” but I’m also not going to dismiss women because of how they refer to themselves as mothers. That’s ridiculous.

          1. :)

            You know what? Big mama Thornton and mama cass are fine by me. But they weren’t leveraging their familial status by pretending to be experts in parenting and health money and clout. Which is what is actually gross.

    5. The linked page seems very supplement and ‘fluencer focused, so not a page I’d trust, but it’s an interesting dilemma. Old stuff with questionable stuff in it, or new stuff with questionable stuff in it. Some old stuff is absolutely unsafe, and so is new.

      Lead is one I try to avoid, so if anybody has a more china specific page about lead, I’d love a link.

    6. OP – I’ll admit I don’t know what XRF testing is or how reliable it is. But if I loved vintage dishes I’d be using this as a starting point to investigate further.

      And while I agree that you’re probably not licking the plates, a lot of the decorative details are also on the rims of mugs and teacups.

  4. I’m a law firm partner in my late 30s, married, no kids. Many of our associates are having kids. That’s great! And I want to offer paid leave. And now we have a system where people take 2-3 paid parental leaves, going 60-80% schedule, then leave at year 6-7 not because we are shoving them out but because they don’t want to stay in private practice. Or they take the full leave and then resign the week before returning. We are seriously considering hiring 40-50% more associates, which is an insane budget commitment. I am not anti-kid, I respect becoming a parent is life-changing. I want them to have income. I want them to come back. But I can’t figure out how other firms are surviving. We’re not amlaw100, less than 5% of our partners make over 1mm/year and no one makes over 1.5. Should we be reducing leave and adding more childcare benefits?? A better ramp off and on?

    1. The fact that you’re even thinking to start of resuming leave says you’re the problem. Have you asked the people leaving why? My firm didn’t and the answer was really straightforward- I was tired of working for rude people and the in person requirements were nonsense. I now make more money in house, everyone is polite, andi have tons of flexibility. And I’m more productive and doing higher level legal work than at the firm.

    3. I think this is just the nature of private practice law firms to some extent. There is always going to be a lot of associate turnover. Probably less at a firm like yours compared to biglaw, but I still do not think there is a great way to prevent it. Personally, as someone with kids who works 60% in biglaw, I would not recommend reducing parental leave in the hopes of keeping more associates. I do think supporting reduced hours schedules would be helpful though.

      1. Yeah if you reduce leave then you just won’t be able to hire any (good) associates because they will know your benefits aren’t competitive.

    4. My office parental leave requires you to return for at least as long as you were on leave or pay the leave back. Might be an option for a policy change.

          1. It definitely is noticed and remarked upon. I have a lot of respect for people who just noped out of maternity leave since they planned to stay home or take extended time off. Vs the ones who planned to stay home, said they were coming back, and then left us in the lurch for even longer trying to replace them.

          3. If you offer a 2-3 month paid leave, then don’t be surprised when people bail instead of coming back. Those babies are so, so young.

          5. 9 months is also quite young! No one is going to be willing to offer 3 years of parental leave, obviously, but that’s the age where kids start affirmatively wanting to be away from their parents. And parents do feel the weight of the separation.

          6. Your employer offers more than 9 months at 100% pay?

            To be clear leave can be extended beyond 9 months, but then pay is pro rated.

          7. No, I’m saying that people quit even if they’re offered 9 months if what they’re returning to doesn’t fit with how they want to show up as a parent.

        2. +1. Requiring they stick around for X weeks upon returning from leave is fair. But a good leave policy allows 3-4 months. Your employees might make a good faith effort but realize the job isn’t doable anymore as parents. That’s way too long to force them to stay.

      3. Similar here, although I think our state might have changed this for certain sizes of employers.

        OP – maybe adjust the overall expectation about how long people stick around and hire with that turnover rate in mind?

    5. the older your kids get, the harder it gets to manage – instead of having daycare from 8-6, you have the school schedule (sometimes needing both before and after care) and patchwork of summer camps to deal with.

      And going to a reduced schedule does not allow anyone to say “oh ok I’ve worked my 5 hours for the day, signing off” if their project is not.

      Lots of people want to go to firms for a few years, sock away training and money, and then go in-house or government. The fact that this life stage also overlaps with when many are starting families is just a fact of the timeline.

      Consider helping associates with exit placement so they leave feeling supported and understood and you’re growing new clients from your departures rather than people who think ‘won’t send them any work if I can help it after they pushed me out’?

        1. And in law, those are sort of minimum hours vs any sort of extended schedule. I envy professions or jobs that tell you when your commitment to be available ends. I am struggling with 10-4 in office and with life happening around it (eldercare, unpredicable children, spouse’s work schedule, spouse’s eldercare). Peace will be when the oldest becomes 17 / has mastered driving. I will gladly fund a car and insurance to get some of my life back.

        2. +1. As a parent I won’t work more than my “9-5” (but really, shifted earlier so I can do pickup)

        3. I also don’t want to work 10 hours a day even as a DINK! I have more enjoyable things to do

        4. I meant that you have continuous childcare at one place, all day, with minimal extended breaks… as opposed to elementary school years, where the days and seasons get segmented and you have to piecemeal childcare coverage for a full workday.

    6. Have you tried bringing in older folks as counsel? I know several parents who left firms for govt or in house roles who would be open to going back to a law firm.

      1. Late to this thread, but I’m 45 and would kill at the chance to come in at a firm.

    7. Do you have a lot of women partners with kids? Maybe they can provide some mentoring/model how they make parenting and law firm life work together. In my own experience, I left a a law firm (lower end of amlaw100) as an 8th year with an 18-month old. Going in-house just seemed like it would be a better fit as a working mom without a ton of household support, especially since I did not see a lot of partners who were also mothers modeling a path for me.

      1. Are women partners with kids just supposed to model how this works for them or also mentor? TBH, l don’t want more tasks. Maybe ask the dads who are partners how they do it work kids and that is likely your answer as to why women quit: no au pair, no nanny, no local family, pressure to do things themselves vs paid help, no SAHW.

        1. Right I don’t have the answer to this – I decided law firm life didn’t work for me with kids! The dad partners I knew all had SAHWs or two+ nannies.

        2. If you’re a partner, then you’re invested in the success of your firm. You should mentor because you have specific experience that will help on this issue and doing so will help the firm and therefore your own bottom line. Although if you worked at my firm, I wouldn’t want you as the face of our mentoring program, so feel free to sit this one out.

          2. It isn’t sustainable that every societal problem is for the working moms to solve. If ALL partners aren’t invested, there will be no solution. The working moms may just be trying to survive. We can only redline so long and people are all “just another thing . . . .”

    8. I fail to see how reducing leave will help you with retention. At best, it might help you slightly reduce time you have associates on (I assume) paid leave. But “my law firm reduced our leave” isn’t going to inspire an associate to invest in her career at your firm. Are your retention issues exclusive to parents? Are reduced schedules an option for associates at your firm? Are there partners (i.e., female partners or male partners with spouses in similarly demanding jobs) with young kids at your firm who can model success for associates? What is your WFH policy? Is this across practice areas? Do associates generally feel like they have a path to partnership at your firm? Attitudes towards partner track are changing in law firms. The days where you invest in your firm and work hard and have a plausible path to partnership are, in the views of many younger associates, long gone. They don’t feel the investment in their careers or loyalty from their firms, so they’re not willing to give it to the firm. I’m not making a value judgment on that but consider whether the associates at your firm feel like they have a meaningful path to a successful, long-term future (partnership, quality of counsel role), or whether they view your firm as a place to grind it out, get money, get training, and then leave for greener pastures.

    9. Most lawyers don’t really like being lawyers. Most parents do really like being parents. I think this is just a problem of one thing being better than the other.

      2. +2 this describes me exactly, and a lot of my friends too.
        – 40 year old mother of two and non equity partner at a mid size firm who leans out a lot

    10. People like to focus on parental leave, as if that’s the most important benefit you can offer parents and the policy that most impacts people’s ability to work, but the truth is that the few months you take off after having a baby is only the beginning and the challenges don’t stop. I applaud companies that offer paid parental leave (I never received it myself as the mom of two kids), but I don’t think parental leave alone is going to keep anyone working over the long term. What also matters is the number of hours you are expected to work, if you have flexibility/support to cope with sick days or medical appointments, the amount of stress you face on a daily basis, and whether the compensation is competitive compared to other opportunities.

      1. I need my job to be predictable because my children aren’t. My sister is a nurse, and nurses have this figured out. There are clear shifts and when you’re off, you’re off. Regret not also going into nursing.

        1. Same, girl, same. I would like any job where I am working at work and not working when not at work. OTOH, if I won the lottery, I’d gladly be a .5 FTE law clerk (my judge had a .5 perma-clerk and a .5 secretary and I’d do either job in a heartbeat if $ weren’t an issue).

        2. +1. Not in law but consulting. Parents quit because the hours are unpredictable and their spouse’s job is also unpredictable/inflexible. The only people who make it work long term have stay at home spouses.

          If you want to retain parents then ban meetings outside designated hours. If it’s 100% necessary provide enough notice for employees to make childcare arrangements.

        3. Right. Since no one dies if I finish something tonight or tomorrow, why cant my off time be my off time?!

          Well, actually it is. I don’t do work after I leave the office and I have to leave by 4:45 for pickup. I come in at 8:30, so I’m working a full day.

      2. Could not agree with this more. I was going to comment to say – parental leave is great and (in my view) is necessary to attract good quality associates. But you can’t forget about how you treat them when they return, or they will leave (and quickly). That means be cognizant of paying associates competitively, and having a transparent and equitable partnership track that doesn’t pass over women who took mat leave. We also have a very flexible work from home policy for lawyers and don’t require a certain number of days in the office.

        Before I had kids, I didn’t notice the small ways in which lots of firms discourage female lawyers or make them feel like they aren’t wanted or needed in the partnership. This can be (sometimes well-meaning but misguided!) older male lawyers not inviting female lawyers with kids out with clients (“she won’t want to leave her kids to come”) or outright assuming that “she doesn’t want to become a partner anyway” because she will eventually just quit working to stay home with her kids (!!). Look for these things at your firm and actively push back on them if they are happening – it can make a world of difference in changing the firm culture, which does make a difference in whether female associates stay long term or not.

      3. +1 to this. Also, beyond hours expectations, availability expectations and expectations that work can never be paused for a day unexpectedly (sick toddlers need attention and, in my area, it’s impossible to hire a babysitter to care for a young child too sick for daycare).

    11. How much are you paying your midlevels? If they’re not earning significantly more than they would in-house, there is no incentive for them to stay for less control over their schedule and minimum billable requirements. Do you talk to your associates about a pathway to partnership?

    12. What does your male associate retention look like? Are you only noticing it for the female associates, and explaining away the male associates? Leaving in years 6 or 7 is generally a normal time for BOTH male and female associates, especially if partnership is not in the likely cards.

    13. I’m not a lawyer or a parent, but I have been a caregiver for other adults at three different times. You’re probably going to have the same issue with caregiving workers too. There is possibly an acute phase where someone can take leave to deal with a specific issue like a health scare and resolve it. But there are all of the other chronic issues like appointments and paperwork and life management issues that require time (often during the work day). In all of my full-time roles, I have had the best intentions to do both pieces perfectly and couldn’t.

      The places I quit were companies where the culture is unreasonably inflexible and would not accommodate me. That is for routine office type work like any individual contributor work where I could do it in the middle of the night and send it via email for feedback or whatever was needed with the deadline the same next business day or whatever it is. Office culture is designed for a SAH partner — mostly men. Most of our work isn’t done in teams throughout the day.

      The reason caregivers leave is because they feel like something has to give. And the living human isn’t something they can give up.

    14. Are you doing exit interviews with these people? I would start. No one at my firm did an exit interview with when I went in-house with an 18-month old, and if they had, I would have very happily told them about a few things that moved me in that direction that were entirely controllable by the firm.

      — Pre-kid, I typically worked 8:30-6 and took lunch. Post kid, I needed to leave by 5 at the latest to pick up kid at daycare by 5:30. I typically made up time after bedtime or on weekends. When a partner realized I was leaving at 5, he recommended that I look into daycares that closed at 6.
      — The same partner frequently would tell me that he hadn’t given me certain cases that involved more work or travel (i.e., higher profile) because I was a “young mother.”
      — Before I went on leave, I shared a very experienced legal assistant with two partners. When I came back, the firm decided I needed my own legal assistant and that I could train her. This meant that in addition to doing my job, I had to train a brand new legal assistant and had no true admin support while getting her up to speed.
      –The firm told me that I could not use my legal assistant for admin work, like working on bills, which probably took up 10 hours of time a month due to the nature of my work, so I was working more and more and billing less and less.

      Again– I would encourage you to have exit interviews with these associates and to think through more what their experience is like at the firm. My guess is that all of these people at my firm thought they were helping me when instead they were being condescending/sexist and making my problems worse. I have friends at other firms that were able to make it work at their firms on a non-equity/non-partner track post-kids, and that very well could be an option for women at your firm who don’t want to stay to become partner.

        1. Fair, though if someone had asked me, while I wouldn’t have necessarily listed all of these slights, I would have said that I left because I didn’t feel like there was a path to partner or significant career progress for me at that firm.

          I was in denial that I was really working that many extra hours and did not initially think in-house was going to be that much better for me work-life balance wise (which it absolutely was).

      2. +1000 to this, in particular that the people saying these horribly sexist things likely thought they were helping you out. Changing these attitudes/perceptions requires women (and non-sexist men!) in leadership/partnership roles pushing back.

    15. How about pushing back on the law firm model of paying people far more than their skills are actually worth and demanding 24/7 availability in return? Pay all your associates less and expect only 40 hours of total work (not billable work, total work) per week, with predictable hours. Parents and everyone else will love working at your firm, and retention rates will skyrocket.

    2. Yeah, most designer/high-end/niche brands are like this. As someone who likes clothes who is larger than this, it sucks!

      1. Lafayette 148 has a nice wide range of sizes. Reiss now goes up to a 12 in some items.

  6. Did anyone else read the WSJ weekend article on Camp Mystic and how many people who were at the location that flooded are wanting to send their girls to the other location this summer? And how to is camp is important to being in the right sorority in college and being in the right social circles as adults? My background is lower middle class and not-Texas, so I’m just used to basic affordable camps through the Y and scouts. I still feel like I’m in an an Anthro practicum even though I’m from the US. Can someone explain how this works?

    1. Given what has come out about how exactly Camp Mystic reacted that night, it is absurd that any parent would send a child back to their adjacent sister camp run by the same family. They literally admitted on the stand that they had no evacuation plan, that they abandoned the girls to die, and that they didn’t call 911 until 3 hours after the first girls drowned.

      That camp isn’t reopening. There is no way the license renewal will be granted because of all the extreme violations that have been documented, not to mention the state investigation, the pending criminal investigation, and the lawsuits. They’ll have to get in to sororities another way.

      1. If these girls are sorority legacies, why do they have to jump through more additional hoops, especially this hoop?

    2. just another way to do the “right” thing – like the “right” country club, private school, etc.

      1. This is pretty much it, coupled with an obsession with tradition and the self-aggrandizement that is common in Texas . My MIL went to Mystic (it remains a sore point that she didn’t go to Waldemar and so she sent her daughter there instead) and has oriented her entire life around sending the “right” social signals in Dallas. I’ve posted before that she called me the week after the flood to ask if I wanted her to add my toddler to a waitlist. Obviously I declined. Children literally dying won’t shake her faith in the supremacy of Texas culture.

          1. I don’t know and I am not going to ask. We disagree about a lot of things and she takes it very personally if I voice a dissenting opinion. The conversation about the waitlist was awkward enough and I only got out of it without insulting her because I went to a legacy girls’ camp in the NE and told her I want to send my kid there!

        2. I thought Texas culture was the Rodeo and all of the very awesome Hill Country things. No? [Not from Texas, but have mightily enjoyed San Antonio, where a lot of friends have transplanted as military retirees.]

          1. Nope. It’s very much about wearing the right clothes, going to the right church, doing the right social activities, and moving in the right social circles. Snobbery with a twang.

    3. I went to private school in Houston in the 90s, and there was definitely a social circle that went from Mystic/Longhorn/Heart of the Hills and then joined certain sororities at UT, and probably all stayed in touch and now send their children along the same path. Of course there are many other paths, and this was only a very small number of girls each year.

    4. I’ll admit that I’m judging the parents hard for sending their girls back to that camp. The ability to just ignore what happened, or chalk it up to an act of God, absolutely blows my mind. I have a daughter the same age as those campers. It horrifies me.

      1. +1. They’re ignoring all evidence and some have been downright disgusting to the victims’ families too.

      2. It feels like we’re currently living through a sort of culture war on risk tolerance where everyone is drawing the line in a different place, and there’s never been less consensus.

        2. Yes, but also a social divide. The parents who have lost children are pretty aghast that other parents would basically say “meh, your story doesn’t bother me, I’d send my kid back in a heartbeat.” That’s a fundamentally antisocial message. One parent whose daughter died said that she has received tons of support from close family, friends, and internet strangers, but almost none from the fabled “Camp Mystic community.”

          1. It is a social divide. It comes up in communities where children have been lost to vaccine preventable diseases and whether this is seen as acceptable or not. It’s come up when they stopped trying to prevent the spread of COVID, since at that point there was a decision to be made about whether to live normally and accept a lot of premature mortality among the highest risk, or whether to keep taking precautions.

        3. Some of this has a religious basis. Certain denominations don’t consider death a bad thing, but instead a chance to “go home to the Lord”. The rest of us consider death the ultimate tort. Reconciling these two viewpoints is tough – they can’t even begin to comprehend each other.

          1. In Everything in Tuberculosis, those with it (who were rich, artistic, white) were considered to be closer to God and the angles. Until they weren’t.

          2. This.

            Also outside of religion, it’s easy to encounter people who think that death somehow offers relief from suffering. So if it’s not going home, it can still be framed as better than some alternative. This is very hard to comprehend from the perspective of people who feel that they’re only around to experience things so long as they’re alive!

            There are also a lot of people who have a vague “survival of the fittest” outlook where some attrition is actually seen as beneficial.

          3. If anyone is applying a “survival of the fittest” mindset to 8-year-old girls who were left to drown, then they absolutely deserve to be socially shunned to h3ll and back. In that case, I hope the rumors are true that they might find certain sorority doors closed to them.

          4. This. Not saying it never happens, but generally, evidence and logic cannot overcome this faith-based viewpoint which inherently rejects evidence and logic.

          5. I was thinking more of societal outlooks like “children belong in school” that are sometimes maintained even in cases where it’s clear that children may not survive their time in school. (Is the response that some children don’t belong in school, or is the response that not everyone is cut out for this world and if it weren’t school it’d be something else, etc.)

            I think the religious “God is in charge, everything happens for a reason” is more what’s going on with the camp.

        4. Agree. I know people who are so (in my mind) overprotective that they wouldn’t send their child to any kind of overnight camping experience AND I know people who think that Camp Mystic will be “just fine/even stronger than ever” (WTF?) next summer. Any kind of consensus on risk seems downright un-American at this point.

    6. Yeah as a northerner this is wild to me! And, for the record, I was in a sorority and my parents belong to a country club.

      I was briefly involved in my sorority’s alumnae chapter after college to make friends in a new city. I quickly learned my northern sorority experience (at a school thats like 75% Greek) was very, very different.

      1. Same — sorority at a SLAC. An amazing experience but like a 180 from Bama Rush Tok. I’m a transplant now to the SEUS and have daughters and I’m not sure how things will be different for them. I didn’t even know about camps like these, so it was scout camp for us, which has been very disaster prep focused.

      2. These girls are already legacies if the parents are thinking like this, no? And at the right schools in the right suburbs? Is going to this camp really a need-to-have? Or is the whole “mommy and me” culture of doing things generationally just that strong with some things?

        1. Isn’t it normal that elites (perceived or factual) always worry about losing status and work hard on maintaining it? And in some sense it’s even true. Like, the British Monarchy has mixed support, but the public support surely would be worse if heirs to the throne were lazy and sloppy instead of trying to portray the hardworking perfectly polished persona as they do.

    8. So I’m from the North, not the South, but there is a very similar summer camp up here where it’s THE place to go for future adult success. There’s a lot of politicians, musicians, and even some famous YouTubers who are alums. My parents refused to send me to that camp but I had a lot of friends who went so I got the scoop once school started every fall.

      1. Now I’m curious (also from the North) — which camp? We were very blue collar but now that I’m at a law firm, I feel like there is all this lore that separates us still.

        1. There are so many. E.g. Birch Rock in Maine. From a Boston magazine write up:

          Birch Rock Camp
          Birch Rock’s size allows it to focus a lot of individual attention on each boy. Table etiquette and the proper way to make a bed are taught side by side with wilderness hiking, which takes campers to places like the St. Croix International Waterway at the boundary with Canada.

    9. It is incredible at how comfortable some folks here are in pointing out the myriad ways in which they are superior to the parents of dead children.

      Not all inside thoughts need to become outside thoughts.

      1. Huh? No one is feeling superior to the parents of children who died – only to parents of children who did not die and who are sending those children back to Mystic. They think they are, anyway, but Mystic will not be operating this summer.

      2. I agree with this. A horrible thing happened, we don’t need to harp on it here. People will always make the decisions they want to, for their own (sometimes, deranged) reasons.

    10. I mean I’m from Houston and my kids are in private school that once sent a bunch of girls there and there will not be a single girl from our school going next summer.

      No idea where these girls are coming from. Maybe places that actually have less social capital – I do not think they are going to pull a “right social circles” crowd in the future. Actually I don’t think they’re going to reopen at all in the phase of ongoing litigation and investigations, so this is all a moot point.

      I also don’t think this camps thing is specific to Texas. I went to school on the east coast and there are definitely north carolina, maine, new hampshire camps etc. with similar history and lore!

    11. View from a Texan from inside those social circles. I don’t know anyone sending their kids back to Mystic, but plenty sending their kids to other camps. The unspoken thing, even among objectively rich Texans, is summer childcare that keeps your kids busy is hard especially at camp ages (7-12) and needs to be pieced together. Camps are beloved with such a passion because it gives you up to a month of consistent child care where, if you are lucky, you might actually get a weekend away with your spouse if all kids are at camp at the same time. And let’s be honest, no one is getting into the right social circles because of those camps. You were already IN THOSE CIRCLES when your parents signed you up – correlation not causation.

      1. I think that this is right. Correlation. I didn’t know about Camp Merrimac and Illahee. Even though Seafarer – Seagull are Y camps, they populate like posh camps. Sailing. Golf. I moved here from elsewhere and the only sleep-away summer camps I was even aware of were the NYT Fresh Air Fund type camps for kids who just had asphalt all summer long with no supervision. This is all eye-opening.

        2. Your posts on this read like someone who is eager to attempt getting into Mystic now that spots have opened up after the flood. Don’t worry, you’re not going to miss your social chance here.

          2. I’m responding to anxiety poster who always says things like “I grew up here but feel like I’m missing X information” about things she perceives to be higher-status in the SEUS. Such a weird thing to focus on related to the preventable deaths of children in this flood.

          4. To 12:56 – not the person you’re responding to, but there is somebody who brings up Camp Mystic every few weeks or so, there is also somebody who’s following a kidnapping case.

            I don’t think you’d notice if you’re from the US, but neither case has really made international news in a way that these tragedies are familiar, so it’s noticable. The last time was a trial with a woman in Silicon Valley, which was also followed closely by somebody

            I think sometimes tragedies resonate with us, and are difficult to ignore.

  7. For those of you who have purchased homes in VHCOL areas without significant family help (ie, on your income and savings alone), how much of your take-home pay do you spend on housing, and are you saving in 401ks first?

    1. 401k maxed out every year. Half of take home pay on housing. Couldn’t have done it on one income alone, but ironically made more from the sale of that home than our combined total take home pay for 10 years. I think we got lucky with the real estate market, but I’m not sure I’d buy a big home again (we maxed out our budget and got the very best location we could, in a “fixer-upper” which we lived in as it was only cosmetically dated which we didn’t mind at all…everything worked and it might now be see as vintage, maybe that’s part of why it sold for so much.

      1. We got lucky with the real estate market, and then were able to refinance down to a sub 3% rate. Our mortgage and property taxes are about 15% of our take home pay in a pricey (but not uber pricey) suburb.

    2. We pay 25% of our HHI on housing, the only way we made it work was to buy a fixer upper. I wish I could have bought something that did not require so much sweat equity but if we did something move in ready it would have been like double the price.

      1. Edit to add: the neighborhood was in transition when we bought, but the strip club has since been knocked down and replaced by a luxury hotel and things have really turned around. We would not be able to afford our house now.

    3. We kept our retirement savings on track, and while we are double income bought a small house in a transitional neighborhood that we could afford on one income. I have never regretted that decision.

      1. +1 to this. My husband is out of work now and we can easily live on one income despite having to cut out vacations/new cars/etc. for the time being.

    4. About 25%. We waited much longer than our friends to buy, and some unexpected big bonus plus a small inheritance put it over the edge. Ironically, when it came time to buy, due to some special programs for lawyers, we ended up not having to put much down while avoiding PMI and used the saved money for work on the house.

    5. Single, so one income. Altogether, I spend about 40% of my take home pay (including HOA dues), after putting in 21% towards retirement.

  8. I cleaned out my closet this weekend. I still have a lot of clothes that I plan to keep. My problem is getting bored and still wanting to shop. I’m trying to learn how to style what I have a little bit differently. What are your favorite resources for getting ideas for restyling WITHOUT shopping? Because I swear there’s always “something else” that I need to make things come together, and it’s ten times worse if I’m on instagram looking for ideas.

    1. Sometimes it’s less about getting inspired and more about taking action. Do you actually plan out your outfits each week? I don’t always, I’ll just grab something or plan in my head most of the time. But when I really pull out my clothes and accessories and plan a whole week I wear more of my clothes and I look better. I have time to steam something I don’t always wear and dig out those shoes that might work and be thoughtful about jewelry. Seeing a whole week at once leads you to wear more variety too.

      1. True. I go through stages when I’m really good at this, and other times when I’m not. I definitely look more intentional when I take the time to plan my outfits.

      2. Yes – this makes such a big difference for me. I always plan the night before but planning the week out really helps me wear more of my clothes. And it’s so helpful to have the decision of what to wear already made.

      3. +1 – I try to do this on Sundays and it happens about 25% of the time but I have a much smoother week and wear more of my closet when I do.

      4. Allow yourself to buy 1-3 items per season. It will satisfy your cravings and keep your wardrobe current without endless consumption.

    2. Accessories. I’m a big fan of just changing the look of what I wear with shoes, scarves, necklaces, earrings, hair. I also keep a folder of looks,I like on my phone – things I’ve worn and screenshots of others to browse when I need inspiration.

    3. find an evening or a weekend morning or whatever when you can plan to carve out some time (like more than an hour). stand in your closet. I usually start with pants because i have fewer. Put pants on and then try them on with tops/ jackets/ sweaters that you have never worn with them before. Try to find 2 or 3 new pairings. Move on to next set of pants.

    4. I am not good about putting together looks on the fly. So I toss my pants, skirts and dresses on the bed, put together outfits and hang the outfits together. That always prompts me to come up with new combinations. In the morning I grab an outfit and add accessories.

    5. Why are you bored? Could other things help with that? (going to a new place after work, trying a new gym class, asking to work on something new at work)

  9. After six years wearing underwire-free stretchy bras, I think I’m ready to try out underwire again. Any recommendations for a very comfortable but supportive underwire bra, size 38DD? Thanks!

    1. You might be wearing the wrong size! I would check out reddit abrathatfits and use their measuring guide. No bra is as comfortable and supportive as one in the right size. (former 34DD, was truly a 30FF.. now a 34GG.)

    2. Seconding the ABTF calculator, then go to a mall or large department store and try on all the options you can find.

    3. Second recommendation for abrathatfits. If you want a bra to be comfortable and supportive, you need to start with something the right size and shape for your body.

    4. Lilyette. They make a great underwire minimizer. You are probably wearing the correct size.

  10. I had Botox on Friday and woke up to eye droop this morning. I want to cry but I can’t. The solution, according to my PCP, is to wait until it wears off in 8 to 12 weeks. I have a call with my eye doctor scheduled for later today. I called out from work today but that isn’t an 8 week solution.

    1. Hopefully and most likely they just overdid it and it will improve soon! But I would want the PCP or eye doctor to do an ice pack test just to be sure.

      Ask your eye doctor about whether wearing an eye patch is an option if you’d feel more comfortable with one.

    2. Oh no!! This happened to a friend, and their face was definitely impacted for some time, but I want to say that they were able to get SOME kind of treatment that lessened the time. Keep trying!

    3. Ugh, my Mom had this after her first try Botox injection for migraines. The Neurologist was not the most experienced injector. She worked in a Big Law firm and had to spend the next 3 months trying to laugh it off as she was asked about it nearly every day by every person she saw. And the Botox did nothing for her migraines.

      Was this injection done by your usual experienced person?

  11. Makeup question. I have extremely pale warm tone skin and want a cream blush that won’t look like clown cheeks in me. Any suggestions?

      1. if you want drug store and not department store, go to department store, get recommendation and then google color and brand for drug store matches.

      2. Wow. How helpful. Truly. Did you not notice the makeup recommendations posted here?

        1. not sure this is directed at me or the OP. I don’t think you can get a good match for a make up color by describing your face in words. not sure why suggesting not doing that if you want a good match is not helpful.

      1. I can’t really help with a specific color but I love the Rhode cream blush. I have very dry skin and it blends great.

    4. -Milk cream blush in color Werk.
      -Merit flush balm in color Fox.

      Both available at Sephora.

  12. Any little tips you use to make work outfits more sophisticated? I’m struggling to master simple makeup and feeling dumpy in everything these days. Wardrobe is mostly neutrals. Work dress code is business casual.

    2. 1) are your clothes in excellent condition? ironed and fresh?
      2) do you accessorize? It really does make basics look more itentional
      3) make an appt at a department store cosmetic counter or sephora. Say you want a current every day regimen. You don’t have to buy it all but listen to what they say.
      4) I know there is a lot of guff about fast fashion but i do like to buy a few trend pieces each season to zhoosh it up. Even if it’s a cardigan in the trend color (butter yellow right now) will look fresher than black or navy.

    3. Make sure everything fits and is ironed. If you need things tailored, get them tailored — look at hemlines, sleeve length, and shoulder fits. Then make sure your hair is in good shape (haircut, brushed, etc.). And with makeup, keep it as simple as you can — for me that’s blush and mascara.

      Once you have those things, then you have the sophistication base and you can use jewelry, scarves, and bags to amplify. If you’re going for sophisticated, then simple and classic is probably the way to go (gold hoops, diamond/pearl studs, etc.).

    4. First, be sure that the “feeling dumpy” thing isn’t coming from being down on yourself because of how your body looks/feels. Sometimes that persists even though your clothing and makeup are great.

      Basics: how’s your hair — does it look the way you’d like, or does it need a cut/color?

      How’s your grooming for your hands — even if you don’t get manicures, are your nails/cuticles cared for?

      What’s the enjoyment level for your clothes — are you wearing “it’ll do” items, or items you really like?

      What’s the quality/fit level for your clothes (even if they’re inexpensive): Is the fabric still in good shape? Are they colors good for you, and do the clothes fit you well?

      What’s happening with your shoes — are they fresh, on-trend, and do they really add to your outfits, or are they more in the “serviceable and comfortable” category?

      If you have great shoes, a great haircut, good make-up, good grooming, and items you really like . . . is it that you need to learn how to put outfits together, or you need to develop your style point of view? Do you need some fresh colors for spring because your “mostly neutrals” are forming outfits with no personality?

    5. Yup. Make sure your shoes and handbag are in good shape. Polish, repair or replace them. Wear jewelry. In particular, wear the kind that is modern and trending. I love diamond studies but little gold hoops are more updated. Steam or iron everything and shave fuzz off your sweaters. Be intentional. Settle on your outfit pieces and then decide how to best style them. Be intentional about what shoes you were or how you button your cardigan or tuck your top. Make sure everything fits well. Sloppy fit feels dumpy every time.

    6. When did you last have your hair, nails, and brows done, and I mean really done well?

    7. Tuck in your shirt and wear a belt. If you are dressed casual, wear at least one elevated piece (blazer over your tee & jeans, loafers with your chinos and sweater, suit trousers with your sneakers, etc.).

    8. Make an accessory pack for each outfit. So an outfit would have the earrings, belt, etc that goes with it.

  13. I thought jacquard was a formal/fancy fabric and not something for daytime/office. Maybe this is old though?

    1. I think it depends on the composition of the fabric and whether it has any sheen to it. Jaquard is a weave, not a fiber, so you could have a silk jaquard, a cotton jaquard, etc. So long as the fabric isn’t shiny and has a little heft to it I would wear it to the office.

    2. That dress looks too fancy for the office to me. Especially in pink, it reads “ladies who lunch.”

      1. Or it’s like the fancy opening dinner at a conference where you change out of daytime clothes into this. Or you are speaking.

  14. Has anyone ever renovated a staircase who can give a ballpark idea of costs? We bought a 1970s house that has a staircase that curves away from the wall – not exactly like in this photo but similar: https://www.acadiastairs.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/curved-stairs-2.jpg

    I really hate it and want to install a traditional staircase that is flush to the wall (and I’d also bring it up to code at the same time). Ideally we’d put in a cupboard or some other storage underneath. However, I have no idea what kind of costs we’d be looking at for that. Anyone ever done this?

    1. Ugh that staircase is beautiful.

      No one can give you an accurate ball park on the stair cost without knowing the COL where you live, what permitting is like where you live, materials (solid wood is much more expensive). There are SO many factors in cost. Why not get in the appropriate folks and get an estimate?

      1. We will be doing that, of course! Just looking for ballpark ideas upfront because we have a lot of projects to balance. If people come back and say “oh yeah that’s a 50K job, way more than you think,” I’m not even going to bother putting it on the list for this year.

    2. If I had that staircase, it would be the focal point of the house. It is lovely. Any chance the house is big enough to install a back staircase somewhere else, if width/accessibility is a concern?

      1. OP here and the one we bought is SIGNIFICANTLY less attractive than that. I don’t want to post a picture of the specific property but trust me when I say it’s fug! It also cuts up the usable space on that wall in an annoying way.

    3. I think you will find it tricky to get a contractor who will take this on- it’s kind of an odd size job that’s obviously too big for a handyman but say $10-20K worth of work (based on how much cabinet work cost for us as part of a bigger renovation) is not that appealing to most contractors who want 50K+ bathrooms. Also unique staircases are sometimes integrated into the structure in ways that are more complicated to undo than you might think – hopefully not the case for you but be prepared for a surprise just in case!

        1. In my VHCOL city, I’d budget 30-50k. Stairs are hard to build well!

          I’d also measure the space you’d have for stairs. There should be a landing every 11 stairs. Stair tread should be 10-11 inches and the rise should be 7 3/4″. If you have an older house with odd dimensions, you may have to find space for a new landing + make sure that the rise + run can be accommodated. If so, lower end. If not, higher to much higher end.

    4. We did this as part of replacing all the hardwoods in 2022, and the staircase alone was about $10k, with less modification than it sounds like you’re considering.

      1. Okay looking at that photo, I would say you at least need to triple our costs. You’re going to need drywall, permitting that may require an architect or structural engineer’s sign off, possibly an electrician if you want any outlets moved, etc.

        Our stairwell adjustment was opening a drywall pony wall to add a traditional banister and narrowing an overdramatic sweep at the bottom.

    5. I have a super steep staircase that I looked into making less steep. So not moving, just extending the footprint, essentially adding an additional step. I was quoted $50-75k. Anything involving stairs is way more expensive than you think it should be. This is in a medium-high COL city.

    6. Stairs are expensive to renovate. I’ve not had one done, but I’m pretty good at estimating the cost of renovations, and I would expect $25-35K for that. If your stairs are really ugly, though, I would consider it money well spent.

  15. I’ve become more of a pear as I’ve hit menopause (or since menopause has hit me). I have bought some items that fit in the seat area, but there is just too much fabric north of that. How likely is it that a tailor can bring in the sides some or add some tapering so that the item doesn’t become too tight or impair movement or look like a sausage casing? I have had mixed luck with what is feasible or can be executed well and so far only hemming has consistently gone well. The new shape appears to be permanent, so I’m starting over and trying to see what is realistically feasible. This is for dresses mainly. I can throw in the towel if if the rest of my life will just be wearing separates.

    1. What kind of dresses are we talking about — do they have some kind of shaping already, such as a set-in waist or princess seaming? Are you working with woven fabrics or knit fabrics? And are the dresses closely fitted or tailored, or are they loosely fitting?

      1. OP here and these would be shifts on someone more uniform in top and bottom. I’m +2 sizes in my hips now with tiny shoulders (built like a t-rex). Only rufflepuff dresses seem to work, which is a lot to process for someone who is a bit like the Before version of Melanie Griffith’s character in Working Girl.

        1. Then, as a life-long pear myself, here’s what I’d say: I wouldn’t even bother trying to rescue an ill-fitting shift dress. They aren’t cut for your shape, so any tailoring you’re doing is an uphill battle. You only want to tailor something that’s already a good general shape for your body. Not something where you have to cut the shoulders narrower and try to find a way to get more room in the hips.

          And, there’s no need to restrict yourself to ruffle puff. I’m a distinct pear and I’d never touch a ruffle puff dress (it’s just not my personality). HOWEVER, you do need look for dresses where the general silhouette follows the general silhouette of your body. If you’re buying a shirt dress, for example, look for one with a set-in waist so you can get the fit on your shoulders that you need, and then a pleated, gathered or flared skirt so there’s room for your hips. Or look for one with an overall trapeze shape if it doesn’t have a set-in waist.

        2. I’ve always been pear shaped so I buy things like shirt dresses or dresses that are A-line. I do wear shift dresses as well but if I don’t want to take them in at the sleeves, I probably have to find some with darts or something at the waist. Most traditional shifts just don’t work for the reasons you’re describing.

    2. I’m built like you, multiple sizes smaller on top than bottom. I’ve had luck adding two rows of darts down the front of a dress. In theory you could slim the underarm too but this has always been good enough for me. The key is it’s gotta be lightweight knit. The sleeveless Tommy Hilfiger knits (Macy’s, Amazon) work really well.

      Good luck!

    3. I’d return the shift dresses and go for a different shape. As a fellow pear, A-line or fit & flare are going to be much more flattering than shift dresses.

      I sew and in order to make a shift dress work, I would need to buy it large enough that the entire top would basically need to be re-sewn. Doable with enough patience, provided the armscye opening has enough fabric in the right places, but way easier and cheaper to just buy a dress with the right silhouette in the first place.

  16. I work 40 hours a week in government. My fiancée works for the Big 4 and virtually never works 40 hour weeks, but makes nearly double what I do.

    We’re getting married in October and will be TTC soon after (we’re both mid 30s).

    I thought that we’d discussed all of the “big things”, including a lot of different discussions about having kids before getting engaged. However, I’m now realizing I don’t want to have kids with someone who works Big 4 hours: I want her to get more time with our kids than her schedule would allow, I don’t want to always be the primary parent, and despite my flexible schedule I travel a fair amount and when I travel we’d need her more available.

    This is a hard career shes worked hard for, so I also don’t want to tell her what she wants to do isnt working for me. But I also really want family dinners and both of us to coach rec sports (we met playing soccer!) and the like. We both grew up with two working parents who made less but were around a lot and very hands on.

    1. Yikes! This is a huge deal and you need to have this conversation ASAP! Maybe with a counselor?

      1. This. You need to talk about this now and get on the same page before you get married.

    2. This is all about what you want, which is understandable. But what does SHE want? Daydream together and find out.

      1. She’s talked about job searching a few times over the past year or so, I know she’s not thrilled with the hours. But also, this is my reservation and I don’t want to influence her too much? It’s her career and her decision.

        1. This is something you two need to resolve together. You definitely need to speak up and get the conversation going.

          1. For all you know, she is feeling pressure to stay on the job and keep the money coming in.

          2. the answer is talking to her. tell her you’re worried about how the two of you will balance parenthood and her career. If she wants to make the change but keep making $$$ until then, you’re still at least 1.5 years away from a baby, and that’s if everything happens immediately.

          3. Adding onto Cat’s comment: It sounds like you’re both women. IUI and IVF can take a looong time, especially if you’re using insurance. She doesn’t need to rush to another job. If anything she might want to take advantage of her fertility benefits and parental leave. You won’t know until you talk to her.

      2. The part about travel stands out to me as particularly self-focused. OP wants their spouse to give up her travel so OP can continue to travel.

        1. My spouse doesnt really travel for work. I’m home by 4:30 every day I don’t travel (2-3 days a month), she’s not home til 7 on a good day.

    3. I was in Big 4 when I met and married my husband and got out before we had kids. I was in an M&A practice so much busier than audit but also better paying.

      You two have got to get on the same page about this before getting married. Big 4 and other consulting firms, to their credit, realized they had a problem retaining women and in the last decade have implemented great parental leave benefits, great healthcare including paying for egg freezing, IVF, etc., part time “options”, on/off ramps, and a lot of other benefits I don’t see at most employers. There were women in my practice who managed to be moms and partners, or even moms of little ones on the partner track. Earning an income and billable hours are the #1 priority and you have to throw money at childcare and home maintenance to make that happen. It requires nannies, au pairs, and/or parents living close by to help with childcare. It CAN be done, I just realized that’s not the life I wanted.

      Does your wife want to coach rec sports? Does she want to be done at 5 or thereabouts to make family dinners? Or would she be happier bringing in a ton of money, having a nanny, and depending on your lower paying job to take care of the kids when they’re sick? There’s not a right or wrong answer as long as you both agree on what it takes.

      1. Yes – one of the reasons we fell for each other is how family oriented we both are.

    4. It is not reasonable for both of you to coach rec sports. One of you coaches, the other supports. That’s how my family handles it with work schedules.

      2. I disagree – I coach my daughter in basketball and lacrosse and my husband coaches my son in soccer and tball.

    5. You need to have a conversation on her goals for her career and how she envisions managing both career and family. Does she want to stay at the Big 4 for the longer term? If she’s in her mid 30s, presumably she is quite senior and at or near partner level, so I’m surprised you don’t know if she is looking to leave or if sees herself staying long term. If she’s working long hours and wants kids, I would assume she’s thought about how she would manage this with kids, so if you haven’t talked about it before you need to. This goes for your travel as well, you need to talk about how you would manage this as a family.

      I have a Big 4 background and work in finance now and the way I worked before kids is different than I did after kids. I used to work through dinner at the office and come home after, now I am home for dinner every night and pick up my work after bedtime if I need to. So it is possible to have a job with longer hours and still be involved with family life, and in my experience it gets easier to manage this as you get more senior. If she expects to come home at 8pm every night after the kids are in bed, that’s a different story.

      I agree with others that you need to talk about what she wants. There are lots of ways to be a caring, involved parent that may not look exactly as you envision. I think if you’re aligned on your values together as a family, having someone with a busier job can work, but you need to approach it as a team and be realistic that parenting may not be 50/50 at all times

    7. Wow. I thought men were supposed to be career limiting. Never been more grateful for my husband who’s supported my career.

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