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Weekend Open Thread

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woman wears blue pullover sweater with pieced detail on sleeve

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

This bestselling sweater at Evereve looks great for an elevated weekend work or a casual workday look. I love the contrasting stripe detail on the sleeve. For the navy one it looks like denim, whereas for the black version it's a shiny faux leather stripe. Fun!

The sweater is $99, available in sizes XS-XL, at Evereve.com.

Sales of note for 4/17:

  • Nordstrom – Beauty savings event, up to 25% off – nice price on Black Honey
  • Ann Taylor – Cyber Spring! 50% off everything + free shipping
  • Boden – 25% off everything (thru Sun, then 15% off)
  • Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
  • Evereve – 1000+ items on sale, including lots from Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
  • Express – $29 dresses
  • J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Loft – Friends & Family event, 50% off entire purchase + free shipping
  • Macy's – 25% off already reduced prices + 15% off beauty & fragrance
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176 Comments

  1. what’s everyone up to this weekend? i’m in the mood to cook a bunch of batches of soup for some reason.

    1. A bunch of kid activities and social stuff – Scouts this afternoon followed by a movie night at a friend’s house, swimming lessons and math club tomorrow and dinner with my parents, and Sunday school and a swimming play date with a friend on Sunday.

      It is so hot here — upper 80s. I want to bake and make soup and go to the pumpkin patch, but not in this weather.

    2. I’m in the mood to sit on the patio at a fancy restaurant and drink pink champagne and soak up the glorious autumn afternoon sun. Im in for an entire weekend of youth sports.

    3. My heart is ready for fall activities but it’s still hot so I’m hanging out by the pool.

    4. I just got really excited that we’re supposed to have two full days of sunshine, which means I can clean my window screens and leave them in the sun to dry. And then I realized that I should probably find some other things to be excited about. #thisis40 (Also squeezing in some kids’ sports and batches of soup!)

    5. I have an audition for a local musical theater production! I’m quite antsy about it, but I have a backup show in mind in case this one doesn’t work out (still need to audition for the backup, so who knows… I might not have a show in the near future, but fingers crossed).

    6. I did a big batch of butternut squash soup yesterday, taking some to a neighbor whose husband passed away last weekend. The rest I froze for winter lunches.

      Tomorrow and Sunday, we’re doing something called the farm tour. There are over thirty farms, vineyards, orchards and wineries that open their doors to the public to give them an opportunity to see what happens in modern agriculture. A number of the participants have become our friends over the last few years, so it’s pretty special to watch how they have grown their businesses.

    7. We are going to a wine pairing dinner tonight at The Club. Toorrow we are going out to dinner with friends, and on Sunday evening we are going to a fundraising dinner at a fancy private home. Other than that, I need to tackle Mount Laundry and think about what I’m going to pack for a short trip the following weekend.

    8. A youth volleyball tournament. I also want to go pumpkin patching, but it’s supposed to be windy and in the upper 80s, which would be miserable. cannot WAIT for the cold front that is supposed to hit next week!

  2. I’m looking for a new coat, and it’s my first time buying a nice coat vs. whatever Old Navy has on sale.

    I’m debating between a grey herringbone or a solid burgundy as the color. I want knee-length, wool blend, and I tend to like a slimmer cut vs. super slouchy or over-sized.

    I’m willing to spend up to $1,000, suggestions on great brands and sizing (I’m 5’6″, 135 lbs., athletic build, so I need a bit more room in the upper back and shoulders to accommodate muscle and layers)?

    1. Check out Aritzia’s wool coats like the Cocoon coat. I’m 5’4 and similar weight as you, not athletic build but busty, and I wear a small in the coats. I wish they were a bit shorter on me, so probably perfect on you. Very nice quality.

    2. I vote for burgundy over grey. Finding your coat in a sea of dark colors is so much easier if you have a color.

      I have a bright jade colored wool peacoat and that was an unexpected bonus the first time I had occasion to retrieve my checked my coat. The valet was able to locate it very quickly when I told him it was the green one.

      1. I get tons of compliments on a mustard yellow wool coat. That one was a gift, I don’t know if I would have been so bold had I been the one to pay…

      2. Oh, this is a good thought and didn’t even cross my mind! Jade and emerald are both gorgeous, I also love a nice royal blue. Now you’ve got me thinking that maybe I should open up my color spectrum.

    6. Ralph Lauren walker is slim cut and usually has several color options. I got mine 2 years ago and it still looks nice.

  3. If you had a leather bag that was a brown-y beige coffee color, and the straps wore out on it and matching the color of the bag would be almost impossible, what color would you get instead?

    (and to further visualize it, the bag is something like the Michael Kors saffiano bag in brown).

    2. I’d probably replace the bag. A new set of straps will make the rest of the bag look worn when previously it didn’t.

      1. By contrast, I had an inexpensive glued leather tote-style bag with terribly worn out straps. Took it to a cobbler for new black straps (couldn’t match the brown perfectly) and the whole bag looks fresher and less worn! I like the bag enough and like to try to repair if I can, so I would have been okay losing the money on the cobbler if it hadn’t worked out.

    3. I would replace the bag. But to play the game –

      I think cream would probably look the best and most sophisticated to my eye. However if you’re using the bag long enough for straps to need to be replaced, cream is probably a bad idea.

      Next choice would be very very dark brown.
      Like this: MICHAEL KORS OUTLET
      Marilyn Small Color-Block Saffiano Leather Messenger Bag in the Luggage Multi color. https://tinyurl.com/3zh2st8v

      1. Thank you; I was looking for this because it’s what I had in mind as well. I love this look.

  4. as anyone purchased a gaming chair (in my case for a teen boy)? is it worth it for the $600+ one that wins all the best-of lists?

    1. No. Get whatever they have at Costco. It’ll be more than fine. You might want to hold off and see what they have for the holiday shopping season. There’s usually one that’s good quality at a great price.

    2. Boy, I would not spend $600 to encourage my kid to do a sedentary habit that can turn into an addiction for some.

      1. And to be clear, I’m not opposed to gaming! Love it! A 16 year old does not need an ergonomically comfortable chair that’s specifically designed to allow them to game for hours on end and certainly does not need a $600 one.

        1. I think the thing is that it beats gaming for hours on end in an ergonomically harmful chair (but there must be a middle ground!)

      2. Yeah, I don’t want to be that person and I truly believe that amazing gifts for kids don’t need to be health-promoting, but chairs feel different. I wouldn’t spend significant money on a chair for a sedentary activity – I would go budget on this.

    3. We splurged on Herman Miller Embody chairs for WFH/school FH during the pandemic and will never go back. They are real office chairs designed for gaming, and are worth every penny. It will go with your teen through college and adulthood.

    4. Those chairs are not worth the cost. They just look cool. Get something else.

      —Longtime gamer

    5. FWIW, husband had a gaming chair and replaced it with a refurbished Steelcase Leap chair and LOVES the new one. Still expensive, but significantly less gaudy and can be used in your office later if necessary!

  5. I recently switched jobs and I now am in my car nearly 30 hours per week. I drive an SUV, I rarely have other people or kids in the car (maybe only once every couple weeks). I am looking for a sturdy organizer that I could keep in the backseat of the car that will not move around, has drawers or zippers or some type of fastener so things do not fall out. I need to be able to move it to the trunk if necessary. I am picturing keeping general toiletries, a spare PJ outfit, and nonperishable food or snack items to keep me tied over when I don’t need to stop for gas, but just need a bite to eat. I Googled car organizers, but I am overwhelmed with options and I’m not convinced I’ve seen anything sturdy enough. Right now my stuff is in a bankers box which is very unorganized and also the box slides around quite a bit. I am willing to spend up to $150 to better get things organized so I could quicklystep out of the car and grab what I need, and evaluate if I need to shop to refill items! Interior of my car is black. Any reviews or ideas appreciated!

      1. I should have clarified: a milk crate won’t slide around, holds jumper cables, extra washer fluid or coolant, a first aid kit, and a smaller bag with your change of clothes and snacks. I put one in my first car as a teenager because I had one and couldn’t afford a fancy organizer, and have put one in every car since then because they are just so functional and sturdy. I keep a small, nondescript soft sided lunch box in mine with some winter emergency gear. They’ve never been a theft target regardless of the neighborhood vibe, I think mainly because no one is interested in stealing old jumper cables and an opened bottle of brake fluid.

    2. I’ve seen ads for a trunk organizing system but can’t remember what company or anything, maybe google that for ideas?

    3. The answer here is a small duffle bag with side pockets for the toiletries and snacks. And know that this sort of bag or crate will be a magnet for theft and will need to be removed, if you are anywhere that sort of thing is an issue.

    4. Look into “passenger seat organizer” on Amazon – lots come up as well as trunk organizers. If it’s just you in the car use the passenger seat!

      (I’ve looked into this a lot because I guess I keep a lot in the car, but we have kids and dogs etc in all 4 main seats often. So I can’t give a review but I know they make them!)

  6. What bothers me the most: kid posting dumb things, poorly-punctuated things, or things with spelling mistakes?

  7. Maybe a fun Q for today – what is your most expensive skincare product? What’s your cheapest one?

    1. Triple cream from a compounding pharmacy for my rosacea.

      Cheapest is probably the bottle of witch hazel I bought a decade ago and use as an astringent at the rate of a few drops a week.

      1. What’s in the rosacea cream that can’t be found at a regular pharmacy? I have the condition too, and I’ve managed it well over the years, but I’m thinking I need to up my game.

        1. I’m going to butcher the spelling… It contains ivermectin, azelaic acid, and metronidazole. My derm prescribed it after the individual components alone didn’t work (those were Rx, not OTC). The combo definitely makes a difference for me. My redness is nearly gone and symptoms almost nonexistent a few months in.

    2. I’ve spent up to $150 for some mask Victoria Beckham swore by. But I’m ok with drugstore cleanser like cetaphil.

    3. The cheapest thing is my cerave cleanser. I just finished it, but the most expensive was the SkinBetter AlphaRet.

  8. I have always loved the Garnet Hill asymmetrical wool coat. Now that I’m solidly in my mid-40s, I can both afford it and pull it off. However. Are the current options in blue and lavender too much for the office? Because I really love those colors, but my brain is telling me that if I’m going to splurge, I should be getting something more neutral.

    3. Not at all. Those are just fine. But I don’t see a blue option?!

      And those are not very bold colors at all. The colors offered are all slightly faded, and the coat is a more casual and relaxed look. I like it!

    4. Those are not exactly wild, bold colors that would be out of place in staid settings. Get what you like and enjoy!

    6. I have owned the reddish one for several years and i love it! Go with whatever color compliments your coloring and wardrobe and you will wear it all the time!

  9. I didn’t realize NYC’s gifted program began in kindergarten, with screening in preK. That is absurd!! If kids are “advanced” in K it is largely because of parental involvement and economic class, not intrinsic giftedness. Much of that advantage will fall away by third grade or so, when most gifted and talented programs begin.

    I am a big supporter of G&T programs and appropriate leveling, but on this one I’m with Mamdani. Cut that out.

    1. You’re clueless about this and are just flat out wrong about how developmental differences can present in kindergarten. Calling the need for “advanced” instruction an “advantage” is also messed up when it’s an educational need that kids deserve to have met to stay challenged and engaged even if they’re five years old.

      1. Some kids may need it but studies do show that gifted programs that young tend to just pull white wealthy kids out of gen ed classrooms at the expense of other kids. Truly gifted kids are rare but the identification of them in NY city public schools is not.

        1. Why white?! Where I live it’s almost all Chinese and Indian kids. I think it just pulls out whichever kids have parents that prep them for whatever test the schools make them take.

          1. White and Asian both. But yeah it’s just screening for race, education and affluence.

      2. I’m OP and one of my kids is diagnosed as gifted. He had some once a week enrichment in 1st and 2nd and entered the formal G&T program in 3rd grade. He’s not off the charts IQ, but most kids aren’t. And we are in city public schools that have been fine for him in those lower grades

        1. Yes – another mom with a gifted kid (“super cognitive”) who didn’t enter an actual program until 3rd.

      3. Yeah, having to sit in classrooms for years being completely bored while my classmates caught up was a complete waste of time. Blue collar family, so don’t accuse me of privilege.

    2. I totally agree. Anything that a 4yo can do to show “giftedness” is a party trick. Sure, there are child prodigies but it’s mostly socioeconomic status and a compliant personality.

      As someone whose kids attended a diverse, urban public elementary school where the kids entered from wildly different cultures/homes/preparation, it was actually a great learning experience and New York parents shouldn’t fear it. Very little differentiation was needed until about fourth grade. In upper level elementary, the math and reading groups got split up by ability, mostly so the kids who were struggling left with basic math and English skills.

      In middle and high school, there was more opportunity for advanced classes and I think my kids have been appropriately challenged in math and science classes (less so in the humanities).

      1. FWIW, my own kids are upper-middle-class and what I’d call “reasonably bright” given their test scores and grades. I refuse to believe that NYC is so rarefied and the kids are so “truly gifted” that there are enough 4yos to fill hundreds of gifted preK spots.

      2. Pls tell me more about what I as a NY parent deserve to want for my child. Cause if the answer is a medicore standard education, fine. I’ll be in a suburb by November.

        2. I am an NYC parent and I think our current system is absurd. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

      3. Differentiation in math and reading is necessary from the very beginning, and it’s not possible to provide much differentiation in a gen ed classroom. My kid entered kindergarten reading chapter books and was bored out of her mind helping classmates find the right page in the workbook because they couldn’t recognize two-digit numbers.

        1. There was a reading group in my kid’s K for kids who were reading chapter books, as well as a group for kids who basically couldn’t read at all and at least one group for kids in between. I don’t think differentiation in a general ed classroom is impossible.

    3. Yeah, I live in NYC, and the gifted system here is pretty weird. (And I went to a gifted school in FL). We live about a half mile from multiple elementary schools, one of which has a gifted program, but it isn’t our zoned school. Our son tested high enough to possibly get into the nearby gifted program, but when we visited, we didn’t really see the point. They follow the same curriculum as the non-gifted classes, but just “go deeper” or something. They had an explanation that made sense, at least sort of, but I can’t remember what it was. That particular school also had no outdoor space for K-2. So we just sent our son to our zoned school.

      Another critical detail is that there are no longer gifted programs in middle and high schools in NYC public schools, and at least in my district (15), the middle schools don’t track or group kids by academic achievement at all. So I’m not sure what the point of gifted elementary would have been.

      Now that we are dealing with high school admissions and I have learned more about the SHSAT, I also think that is deeply flawed, in case anyone is dying to open another can of worms.

    4. I have a longer reply in mod but as a New Yorker, I tend to agree. Our G&T system doesn’t make much sense. One critical detail – at this point it ONLY exists for elementary school; there are no gifted programs in middle and high schools now.

      1. I don’t think that’s uncommon. I’m in the Midwest and both my hometown school and my kid’s school have gifted programs that end when elementary school ends. In middle and high school there are advanced classes (honors, AP or IB and accelerated options, at least in math) but no formal “gifted” identification.

      2. Do the admissions schools absorb some of the need?

        Because it is sounding like maybe it doesn’t make much sense.

      3. I think this is normal. I went to a gifted and talented elementary school, but after that there was just AP, IB, honors, etc., plus you could take college classes. There was also a special program for kids to take advanced math classes at the university starting in late elementary school and continuing through high school. I had several friends that finished multivariable calculus by 9th grade and were able to take regular university level math classes for the rest of high school.

    5. On the one hand, I think that this is basically correct, and that testing 4 year olds isn’t very reliable. And on the other hand, I think about kids like me, who were reading chapter books before starting kindergarten and were going out of their minds with boredom while the rest of the class didn’t even know how to read. Luckily G&T started in 1st grade for us, so I ended up in a more appropriate class then (I’ve never taken an IQ test, but got perfect scores on the SAT and GRE so I would almost certainly qualify as actually gifted rather than just an early reader).

      I think that every kid deserves an education that meets their needs, which doesn’t mean that certain kids get special perks (if anything, I think the kids who are struggling are more in need of those), just appropriate pacing and depth. It certainly doesn’t make sense to only screen 4 or 5 year olds, as kids mature at different rates, and parenting and socioeconomic status will affect this, but I also don’t think you should just abandon the kids who are ready for more, especially in the years when learning to read takes up so much classroom time.

      1. The reason society doesn’t want to abandon those kids who are ready to learn more is because they eventually punch above their weight in achievement – it’s a log-normal distribution. It’s actually really important to get the gifted kids whatever they need to make art, scientific discoveries, etc. Schools should serve all kids and some of those kids need resources and advancement.

        1. The same argument could be made for investing more in kids with supportive home environments, but that’s not really right!

          I think it’s better to help every kid go as far as they can to pursue their interests and abilities. I’m skeptical that one classroom can be all things to all people, or that sorting kids by age matters more than readiness to learn the material when it comes to academics. I know adults who originally didn’t read at all until half way through middle school who are in no way behind now. There are also kids who were very precocious in preschool and kindergarten who are in no way ahead now, but it doesn’t make it okay to neglect them when they’re young. Just invest in all the kids since it’s hard to predict where they’ll end up!

      2. I have a kid (interestingly, the one who didn’t pass the “gifted” test) who did things like learn the multiplication tables as a preschooler by listening to us quizzing his older sister. Elementary school was mostly a breeze for him academically, but all of his teachers were able to give him some differentiated work AND help him work on the social skills that he really needed to get along without throwing punches or having meltdowns. He’s had a lot more fun academically in middle and high school, but I still think his academic experience in K-5 was appropriate for him.

        1. +1 differentiation is the answer, although not all districts do it well. My kid’s elementary school had multiple reading and math groups from K onwards. There are also a sizeable number of kids who are brilliant at math but don’t read especially early, or who read early and at a very advanced level but don’t show much aptitude for STEM subjects. Differentiation better serves these kids too.

          1. I think would have benefited from better differentiation – I was the fifth-grader who could read and recite huge passages from Shakespeare but couldn’t manage anything more than grade-level math. But because I was “dumb” in one thing and “smart” in another thing, I was in the “middle smart” track.

    6. I agree with you and am the parent of a kid who tests highly gifted and was identified as gifted in K and tracked into a full time gifted class in 1st grade. I believe it’s pretty well-established by research that before about second or third grade tests are mostly screening for the home environment.

      1. I am not sure what to really do with 5 year olds then why are bored out of their minds because they already learned the K curriculum, even if it’s just because their engaged+well resourced parents taught them. Having them just be bored and disengaged for a couple years until 3rd grade testing doesn’t seem like a great outcome.

        1. Differentiation for both math and reading is ideal. But I don’t really think most smart kids are as bored as some posters here are suggesting. There’s so much more to the school day than academics in early elementary school, and in my experience the majority of 5-7 year olds love going to school and playing with their friends, even if they can already read and know the math curriculum. In a good school district, most early elementary learning is done through play and the play is still fun even if you know the concepts the play is teaching. Like my kid knew basic arithmetic before entering K but still enjoyed playing card games designed to teach arithmetic because the card games were fun. Whether or not your already knew the math is kind of irrelevant.

          I think people are oversimplfying the boredom thing. Is it an issue for some kids, maybe, especially if you’re talking about the 0.05% end of the bell curve with IQs above 150. But I have a kid who’s tested as gifted with a lot of friends who have also been identified as gifted and even though they mostly find the school curriculum very easy, I just don’t see this mass disengagement with school that people are describing.

          1. Maybe this is unduly harsh, as I’m a GenXer, but isn’t boredom a part of life? Having everything calibrated for maximum interest seems like a pretty tall order for any institution, much less a public school.

          2. There’s a ton of boredom in life, but it’s still the literal opposite of education.

          3. “Education” in elementary school, especially early elementary school, is about much more than reading and math though. In fact I’d argue that with the exception of learning how to read, academics is really a very small part of elementary school.

          4. It’s bad if elementary school is letting down students who want to learn about the world adults brought them into and are ready to do that. It’s okay if schools are teaching other skills that aren’t reading and math. But students are bored if they’re not learning, whether it’s because they’re not keeping up with the material, or whether it’s because the material is not keeping up with them. And even if they should, do many elementary schools do a good job teaching skills other than reading, math, music, and PE? I remember some craft scissors and Elmer’s glue, but we see what children are really capable of when they have opportunities outside of school, but classrooms keep them away from a lot of what they could be learning with their time (dance, art, how to care for animals, how to identify plants, how to prepare foods) because classrooms are convenient for academics.

          5. My second grader has learned a lot of science (including animals and plants) and history. They just finished a whole unit on the founding fathers and Revolutionary War. And the art instruction is great. She is serious about art and takes private classes and the quality of the public school art classes compares very favorably.

          6. It’s always great to hear about strong arts instruction in public schools. And it’s great to hear about history being taught in elementary school (I really think it’s easiest to remember what happened if we hear the stories at the ages when we’re best at committing things to memory).

          7. They are NOT playing. They are lucky if they get recess!! They are forced to do academics and test prep from a very early age.

          8. It’s not mostly free play like daycare/preschool but there’s a ton of learning though play in our elementary school.

        2. Yeah I’m not sure I’m understanding why it’s bad to meet kids where they are at even if it’s from prior education. Time gets wasted, and high schoolers graduate behind where they could be.

    7. So I actually have NYC public school aged kids and the crazy thing getting left out of all this discussion is that right now we don’t actually have G&T testing for Kindergarten at all. It’s a lottery for G&T programs where some schools have these programs and you can apply to them if you designate your child as gifted and a pre-k teacher signs off on the designation AND you have a good “lottery number” – as in kids with numbers 1-300 (or whatever) will get their top choice and everyone else will not. At my kid’s preschool the teachers were instructed to sign off on everyone who self-designated as gifted being gifted. That was the official policy. Unsurprisingly, this 100% led to a lot of hyper-focused privileged parents getting their kids into G&T programs. Meanwhile, kids from poorer neighborhoods don’t always know to apply unless their parents are laser focused on applying. In 3rd grade, you need a teacher to recommend you for testing and it’s usually actually tied to your academic performance and much more reliable. So it makes sense to do it this way given the current model. I’ve been listening to a lot of debate about this but keeping the current system is just keeping an experiment in whether accelerated learning for mostly average kids results in better academic performance.

    8. I disagree.

      NYC needs to have a proper gifted program. Currently it’s a high achievers program as are most gifted programs in the US.

      I have two gifted children. They were scored using a WISC test by a psychologist and their score was 145+. Both children struggled a lot in school in the early years. They were reading by 3, had read all the age appropriate local library books by 5 and now my son is in 7th grade doing 12th work and my daughter is in 9th doing college level work. Both struggled to function in a classroom at PreK 3, my daughter reading to the other children and being rather frustrated because they could read. Poor 3rd is absolutely average academically and thinks they are very dumb. They are brilliant in their own way and they have much stronger social skills compared to their siblings.

      It’s not an easy path and my children have major issues which I was told was very normal. The Davidson institute has been amazing and I would recommend parents who believe their child to be gifted read through the various research they make available on their website.

      1. There isn’t a good way to identify these kids young though. Like everyone else is saying, giving 5 year olds IQ tests mostly just identifies smart kids with good home environments. Reading at age 3 is a significant indicator of profound giftedness, especially if it happens spontaneously without a lot of parental effort, but the reverse isn’t necessarily true and (even setting aside dyslexia and other reading disabilities) you’ll miss a lot of profoundly gifted kids if you only select for the kids who read abnormally early. I consistently tested 155+ on IQ tests but learned to read in first grade with the rest of my public elementary school class. I later did camps for highly gifted kids and met many other kids in the same boat. The difference between us and “normal” kids is that we quickly got way above grade once we learned to read and were mostly reading on a college level by 3rd or 4th grade, but there isn’t a good way to screen for that at age 5.

        1. Is there not a good way to identify young kids, or is there not a good way to come up with a one-size-fits-all tool that unskilled assessors can follow by rote? To me it sounds like it’s probably another instance of the same problem of refusing to meet kids where they are at, expecting tools designed around majorities to work for outliers, and inadequate education and training that prevents the same schools from accommodating students in the first place.

          I always appreciate Jonathan Mooney’s discussions of how the myth of the average and the idea of normalcy have persisted in the education system without evidence.

          I think early reading gets identified partly because it’s an easy to identify sign, but partly because it can be just very hard to sit through classes designed to teach people to read when you already know how to read, and you have all the patience of a small child, and you know that you could be using the same time to learn something you don’t already know from a book. So the kids who are reading in preschool really do need differentiation that early.

          1. Differentiation is all well and good but that’s different than labeling kids gifted or not so early.

            I also just don’t think boredom in elementary school is a catastrophe. Elementary school (especially the learning-to-read years of K-1) is about so much more than academics. The kids who are way ahead academically are usually average or below average socially and emotionally and I don’t think it’s the end of the world for a kid who already knows how to read to be bored while the class does phonics. They’re learning plenty of other important things.

          2. Adequate differentiation would help get away from labels, but we’d still need teachers who can keep up with all of their students (hopefully that’s true in NYC, but I don’t think it’s true or even normal everywhere; I’m completely fine with looping in higher ed instructors if that helps, and I think they usually have better pedagogy for academically advanced students anyway).

            Boredom during class in elementary school is a catastrophe; it’s better characterized as neglect. This is how it impacts mental health. It’s not developmentally appropriate to ask children to spend the majority of their day understimulated. Being under-engaged while stuck in an age segregated environment is not good for social and emotional development either. I really believe a lot of the kids who are below average socially and emotionally would benefit from getting a head start on learning how to interact in the adult world. Because by the time they will catch up to first grade social norms, the other kids will have moved on, so they’ll always be alone. They’re never really in a classroom of peers, so they have more to gain from mixed age settings where some people will be where they are developmentally socially and emotionally, and others will be closer to where they are with academics.

            So no, you can’t rely on it that they’re learning plenty of other important things while the rest of the class does phonics. It’s just as likely that they’re experiencing school as a prison designed to obstruct them from learning. There are reasons why mental health in children plummets when school is in session, and this is one of them. It’s just too big a part of a child’s life to spend this way.

            I feel like we’d all sympathize more with a colleague who was having to go through redundant and elementary training in an area of expertise to fulfill some CYA requirement at their job, even if it was just part of the day for a few weeks, and even though they have an adult’s resources and capacities and aren’t losing opportunities in temporary developmental windows. This kind of thing is harder on kids, not easier.

          3. There isn’t a good way which is why schools default to achievement.

            Giftedness isn’t just academics. Some children are gifted at music, others sport. I agree reading is one measure and it was the measure that was appropriate for my children. I read to my children every night and made sure there were books in the house. My daughter taught herself to read because I was too busy with the baby to read to her as much as she wanted. My son was earlier than my daughter because he thought it was normal to read.

            The problem with education is that it’s expensive to do it properly. My youngest is in pull out due to her struggles with reading and math. She is in a class of 4 children including herself. There is a teacher and an assistant. My elder two are in pull out too but go to a class with 25 children. Their projects are 1-1 with college. The college has provided this at no cost. All of this is expensive to administer and deliver. Someone has to walk my child to another school and sit with them in class due to the age gap.

            My district spends an average of $30k per child. I’m very thankful but realistically it’s not affordable for most parts of the country.

            Personally I’d like to see the removal of the term gifted class and call it pull out. It would be great if they could also put it into the 504 process. It’s an accommodation and should be documented as such. It is SPED just the other end of the spectrum.

          4. I don’t think it’s the end of the world for kids to be bored sometimes. But I do think it’s unacceptable for the first 2-3 years of school be nothing but boredom for kids who are already reading well, which is what it is in many cases. The people who post here are all women and as “high achievers” aren’t representative of many bored 5 year olds. The way boredom plays out in conscientious little girls vs. active little boys (and girls) is pretty different, and those kids, especially the ones that aren’t white or wealthy or with diligent parents helicoptering over them, are a lot more likely to find themselves getting in trouble and permanently turned off of school, despite their inherent abilities. I think the same argument also goes for kids who end up really struggling to learn to read and then just tune out of school because everything is so far beyond them that it doesn’t make sense to even try.

          5. I disagree that this board isn’t representative of gifted kids. It seems like many posters here were identified as gifted and considering even generous gifted identification typically only includes the top ~5%, it seems like a very disproportionate number of folks here were considered gifted.

          6. Oh, I agree that many people here were probably identified as gifted as kids. But this is a board for women and it seems to be dominated by the super responsible type of conscientious good girls who sit quietly and do what they’re told, even when bored out of their skulls. I don’t think that’s typical of little kids in general, even gifted kids, and especially not boys, but also many girls.

      2. OP from last night here and NYC doesn’t have this now. That’s why the hoopla is stupid. It’s currently a lottery system. And unless you’re willing to pay for a very individualized assessment there is no good way to identify and screen. Even those are unreliable and obviously just being able to pay for them skews the results.

      3. I agree. The fact that current gifted education is mostly for high achievers and the more affluent and that it involves more homework (for no good reason) and advanced academics in math, etc. does not mean we don’t need real gifted education. There are very few children with IQs 130 or above and, with effort, children who are part of underserved minorites can be identified. Gifted for me was about getting to meet other children who were more like me. We also need the curiosity to be nourished.

    9. I hate the argument that giftedness is just economics because I grew up in a very neglectful household as did most of my gifted peers. Our gifted class was pretty much the only time we had adults paying attention to us and providing enrichment.

      1. It’s also just simply not true. Maybe resources help people game tests. At university I used to tutor kids with advanced learning needs. Tutoring selected for parents who weren’t neglectful (they had sought out tutors!), but they were sometimes quite limited in resources (including their own educations and how much they could afford). If their school districts had offered something for their kids, it would have helped them a lot, along with the kids whose parents weren’t trying as hard. Even if it was just connecting more kids with the university’s resources.

        1. I meant to add that some well off liberal parents I knew were offended by all of this! They seemed to think it was some kind of cheating to let poor, rural kids get an “advantage” over their own kids by studying at the college level. Apparently a fair meritocracy would never let kids go further than their nice rich school districts could go. I still think it was so out of touch to be jealous of a gifted kid from a family and community struggling to understand and support them (or in some cases even accept them!) just because they had at least one opportunity to study with likeminded people.

  10. Update on the memorial weekend lunch – I think it was a mistake for my cousin to flake this time. Her mother (let’s call her “Sue”) had clearly put a lot of thought into the lunch and had prepared gifts for each of us from Grandma’s things – a piece of jewelry with backstory for each of the female grandchildren and Grandpa’s pipe for the male. Our kids got ornaments from Grandma’s family-famous Christmas tree, all hand-wrapped by Sue. Other people there were dressed casually (this wasn’t actually the Plaza in NYC, FWIW), and there were lots of other families around and easy access to a lawn area for running around. Sue and my father each made short speeches that were so touching and heartfelt and the conversation afterward was simply pleasant – it had been so long since we had all been together and it was genuinely very enjoyable. The kids in attendance all did pretty well (with a few breaks).

    It is what it is at this point, but I felt bad for Sue because she tried to negotiate with my cousin (her daughter) in a way that made it increasingly obvious that she simply didn’t want to come and that every excuse in the book would be offered. Sue ultimately rallied and I think really, really enjoyed the lunch in the end, which is what matters, but it was awkward to have four empty chairs with gifts on them. I did ask my cousin if everything was OK and she insisted that it was, but I doubt I’ll know more than that (I think her brother might confront her though – he was pretty ticked off before the lunch).

    Honestly, as I mentioned in the OP, this pattern has been going on for literal decades at this point (pre-kids, pre-husband) so we might find it easier in the future to just assume she’s going to flake and plan around that. We’re back at the hotel taking a breather now and then some of us are meeting for a casual falafel dinner later, so at this point, it’s about keeping things fun and light before the big day tomorrow. Anyway, have a great weekend, all.

    1. Or to just like, care less? She missed out. You didn’t. She doesn’t need to be your focus.

      1. Yes, good relationship. Sue is obviously aware of the flaking tendency but I think she thought it wouldn’t be an issue for something as important as this.

    3. I missed your post this morning. My immediate reaction is that hour cousin wants everyone to beg her to attend. At least that’s how it works with my own sibling.

    4. Gently, you are overthinking this. She could have come. For [reasons] she did not. It is a shame/she might have liked it. The world will keep turning.

      You need to let adults make their own decisions and not fixate on it, even if their decision is not the decision you’d make or you disagree with the reason they made a different decision.

      Yes, relatives are annoying. It is what it is.

      1. Agree. And if OP were my cousin, I’m the one who wouldn’t attend because OP seems way too invested in telling me how I need to behave in order for OP to grieveto/celebrate the way OP thinks is fitting. Eff that. I want to show my kids the oak Grandma always stopped at when we walked back from the ice cream parlor, the landing by the pond where we fed ducks, and the cool playground behind the library where she and gramps danced in the rain that one time. I don’t want some ceremony where I’m expected to enjoy a stuffy dinner and kitsch bequeathing ceremony.

          1. This wasn’t the actual memorial, it was a pre-event with the real memorial the next day. I wouldn’t be the one who bailed, but long, planned weekends with formal ceremonies can be overwhelming especially with young kids.

          2. Everyone does not have to meet your standards. It’s okay for you to experience disappointment and let the angst over not being able to control them eat you up inside. They can live their life the way they like.

        2. Part of what makes societies (both small ones like families and big ones like countries) function is everyone finding a balance between doing things the way they want to, and doing things the way everyone else wants to. It’s not unreasonable to say that part of being an adult is going to memorials that aren’t your personal preferred way of grieving. That doesn’t mean you always always have to no matter the cost to you (eg. the family wants me to take overseas flights with toddlers for the burial, then 3 months later for the memorial) and that doesn’t mean you can’t also stop at the duck pond! But it’s reasonable to put value on “most of the family – including her kids – want this lunch, so I’m going to do it, even though it’s not really my thing”. I think that’s what people are reacting to.

          1. It’s also reasonable to bow out. It’s unhealthy for OP to act as though the cousin is just a character in a play who went off script and ruined this stuffy dinner for everyone else.

        1. +1. It’s ok to be annoyed when someone does something rude. And it’s ok to be sad that a family member missed a special event

        2. Ah yes, the common minor vent that involves two separate multi-paragraph comments before and after something happens.

          1. It makes more sense for the person involved in the emotional, meaningful family event to have enough thoughts about it to post two comments. Why is that surprising to you, and why have YOU invested emotional energy in it when you’re not there? Sometimes commenters need to look in the mirror.

          2. Women who whine about other women on the internet about minor issues should get over themselves and knock it off, because it’s detrimental to all of us women. It’s catty and childish, and it’s worth calling out.

          4. Um, what’s catty is what you’re doing. I hope your day gets better and that next time, you go to the memorial or equivalent event that you missed.

          5. I hope when I die, no one who comes to my memorial gossips about their cousin on the internet after. That’s being a bad family member.

    5. I have no idea why you are so involved in a mother/daughter relationship you aren’t a part of, but it doesn’t seem super healthy? And then gossiping about it online also doesn’t seem super necessary? Idk.

    6. Thanks for the update. This event sounds so lovely and touching, and your cousin sounds selfish. I can understand your annoyance and I can understand that you feel for “Sue.” Beyond that, this isn’t for you to negotiate. I hope the rest of the weekend is lovely for you and your family.

      2. I don’t understand why so many people – or maybe one v. frequent poster – feel the need to pile on the OP here. What is the point of posting anything here? OP came to vent and get a read on what other people thought. I get people posting their takes on why the cousin may have done what she did but not why you would attack the OP for posing the question. It’s absolutely weird, if not outright rude, to come to an out of state memorial weekend and not participate in one of the main activities based on some flimsy excuse like “i didn’t pack unstained dresses” – why would you even pack only stained clothes for a memorial weekend????

        OP, I think your cousin was wrong and missed out on what sounds like a lovely event. We seem to live in a world of everyone feeling entitled to opt out of anything that may be difficult or inconvenient for them on the basis of their MH or self care needs and, judging by the results, I don’t think any of this makes them healthier or happier. Sometimes you just need to buck up and do things and probably you’d be better off.

        2. This. A major part of life is showing up for other people. That’s important for a thriving society. I’m sorry your cousin doesn’t understand that.

    7. omg why are you so invested in this? I wouldn’t want to eat lunch with you either.

      1. Lord, you sound awful. And you miss the point entirely, too.

        She’s invested because it’s family. She’s complaining to a group of strangers because things have to be handled more delicately because it’s family. Someone not wanting to eat lunch with a cousin at a funeral event is petty, childish, and selfish, and it sounds like this is par for the course. It also sounds like she’s not doing anything about it (as she shouldn’t); just coming here to vent about something that’s been long-standing and annoys her.

  11. Random question for the weekend. We just had our kitchen painted and all hooks, rails etc taken off the wall. We had an old towel bar next to the kitchen sink (may have originally been meant for a bathroom) but instead of just putting it up again I’m thinking something else might look nicer.

    How to you hang kitchen towels in your own kitchen? Please help me think outside the box!

    If it helps, the sink is under a window with counter space on both sides. The wall where the old towel bar was mounted is a foot or so to the right, and the dish drying rack takes up the counter space between the sink and that wall.

    1. On the fridge door handle and nothing else will do. Not on the oven, not in the dishwasher, not in doing that will have the towel brushing the floor every time the door hinges open. Not in a cabinet, not above or below food prep surfaces. Not against drywall or wood surface that will get damaged by dampness over time.

      Seriously, that was a non-negotiable when we replaced our fridge. It had to have a handle I could loop towels through.

    4. I hang kitchen dish towels in my oven door. There is one counter between the sink and oven. Ideally, I would probably want it closet but this works well for me.

    5. This is a perpetual nuisance in every kitchen I’ve had, where the set up is generally similar, though I’ve never had wall space for a towel bar. We have a hanger that goes over the top of the cabinet under the sink that I’ve never really loved, because it doesn’t stay in place if you pull on the towel and it’s a little too low to feel convenient. We also have a towel on the oven door which is across from the sink. I also usually have a clean(ish- they get swapped out at least once a day, more often if they get dirty) dishrag on the counter and often just end up using that to dry my hands. I really wish there was a sturdy place to hang a towel closer to the sink. I wash my hands a lot while cooking and hate dripping across the kitchen to dry them.

    6. Small hand towel on the oven, small enough not to touch the floor. Dish towels, not at all. I usually air dry dishes that don’t go in the dishwasher, and in the few instances I need a dishtowel, I put it in the wash after use, I don’t hang it up for reuse.

      If I had a vertically split fridge/freezer, I might have put the hand towel on the fridge, but mine is horizontally split so it would be in the way of the freezer.

    7. Adding to the ‘handle’ chorus. Oven here, since we use it less often so don’t have to deal with the towel dragging on the floor as much as we would if we used the dishwasher’s handle.

    8. One side of my refrigerator is exposed in my galley kitchen. I have two magnetic hooks on the side of the refrigerator. A crafty family member sews metal o-rings into my kitchen towels, so that I can hang them on one hook. I use the other hook for my potholder.

    10. The front of my sink has a tip-out sponge “tray” with a horizontal drawer pull on the front of it. The dishtowel hangs there. It has to be gently pushed out of the way to open the under-sink cabinet doors, but it is right there to dry hands or wipe down countertops or whatever. Here is a link to what it looks like: https://www.kraftmaidreserve.com/utensil-tray-kit-utk18/

    11. I got something to stick on a cabinet next to the sink which I find easier than a towel bar. Search for push towel hook on Amazon or wherever.

  12. Due to spouse and I not having access to 401k for much of our working life, the majority of the money we’ve saved is in a money market fund and not 401k and Roths, which are excluded from the assets considered for financial aid. We have a high schooler. Is there a way to put some of our savings into a retirement account now? Our HHI is $300k (in a VHCOL).

    1. You could maybe superfund a 529? But please tell me your life’s savings are in the market and not just money market funds

      1. That wouldn’t help the OP since 529s are counted against you when determining the amount of aid. Retirement accounts are sheltered and not counted, that’s why she’s asking about retirement.

        OP at $300k you’re not likely to get much aid anyway. We got decent aid (~$20k per year) at selective private schools on a $250k HHI with negligible assets except retirement funds and our primary residence, but my understanding is that it drops down *quickly* in the $250k-300k income range and above $300k you’re unlikely to get anything significant, even if your assets are minimal. So I’m not sure how much it matters.

    2. Are you both maxing out your contributions to your 401k / IRA / HSA now? Just save enough in a money market fund for an emergency fund, and spend down more of your savings as needed so that as much income as possible goes into your retirement accounts.

      And I agree with the other poster that you should not have all of your money in a MMF. All of my cash is in a brokerage account, other than my emergency fund, invested in primarily low cost index funds in the asset allocation that I have decided is best for my age/yrs until retirement.

  13. Can anyone recommend web sites that will alert you to flight deals for specific routes (to Europe mostly)? There’s quite a few out there but would love to hear which are actually accurate and useful. Thanks.

    1. Google Flights is the best place to start. You can set an e-mail alert for “non-stop economy flights for a one-week trip from New York to Europe in November” for example.

  14. Are AI tools as prevalent and popular outside the US as they in US companies? I am surprised how much AI is being forced on us at my company (eg, must create AI meeting summaries).

    1. I hope not. I’m a little tired of the flowery emails obviously generated by ChatGPT.

      I’m still not over my mother’s reaction to chatGPT. She said why did they call this cat I farted? Why be so mean to the cat? Mom no one farted and no cats have been harmed.

      1. wait can you explain? This sounds hilarious, but I don’t really get it. Chat = cat? but where does the farting stuff come from?

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