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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Livi Jacket

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A woman wearing floral abstract printed jacket

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I actually said “ooooooh” out loud when I clicked on this cardigan from Cara Cara. It looks like it has some structure, so it could substitute for a blazer in a lot of settings, and the pattern really makes a statement. I would pair this with a gray or navy solid so that the cardigan can really be the focus.

If you want to make an even bigger statement, there is also a coordinating skirt.

The sweater is $495 at Cara Cara and comes in sizes XS-XL. 

Sales of note for 4/17:

  • Nordstrom – Beauty savings event, up to 25% off – nice price on Black Honey
  • Ann Taylor – Cyber Spring! 50% off everything + free shipping
  • Boden – 25% off everything (thru Sun, then 15% off)
  • Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
  • Evereve – 1000+ items on sale, including lots from Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
  • Express – $29 dresses
  • J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Loft – Friends & Family event, 50% off entire purchase + free shipping
  • Macy's – 25% off already reduced prices + 15% off beauty & fragrance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Spring Sale Event – Buy More, save more! 10% off $250+, 15% off $500+, 20% off $750+, 25% off $1000+ (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off if you find any exclusions.)
  • Sephora – Spring sale! 20%, 15%, or 10% off depending on your membership tier; ends 4/20. Here's everything I recommend in the sale!
  • Talbots – Spring sale! 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns
  • TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
  • Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!

331 Comments

  1. Such a pretty cardigan! Over the weekend I realized I misplaced my newly renewed passport. I’m giving myself a week to find it and then I’m going consider it lost. The last time I saw it, I had it on my desk in my home office. I put it away because my house cleaner was coming. The irony is I found my previous two passports (which I also had on my desk) but not the renewed one. If I have to report it lost and get another one I’m concerned about how long that will take with the government shut down. Any advice? I’m beating myself up for being so disorganized.

    1. It might turn up. But also passports are paid for by fees so they shouldn’t be too affected. I submitted for two of my kids a couple weeks ago and we’ve received electronic confirmations that they’re progressing through the steps.

      1. OP – That’s good to know. I’m going to give myself a week or two to find it. Thank you.

    2. Did you put it in your purse or work bag, so that you would have it when you traveled?

    3. it won’t help you now, but I picked up a passport cover with apple ‘find my’ technology. I got mine from an instagram ad but I’m sure there are others out there too. Maybe something to think about for after you find your passport – I’m sure it will turn up!

  2. Do you find that female staff are the most critical of female attorneys/managers? I have somewhat of a vent/something that is bothering me in this area more than it should.

    Recently, I found an online message board account for one of our paralegals (I was actually searching my firm’s name to see if we have ever been recommended on a regional group). What I found were a handful of posts about me from this paralegal that were directed at me. Things like me correcting mistakes was just a “contest” to remind the paralegal that I “have esquire after my name” and “once I remind [Anon Attorney] that I trained her, she tends to back off.” She also comments that she likes the male attorneys that she works for but has the most conflict with the female Shareholder (which I know is me). There are some comments where she makes fun of one of the male Shareholders for helping him with tasks like renewing his driver’s license, etc. I know these can be chalked up to venting/looking for validation on the online message board, but I was surprised and disappointed by the way she talked about me. I am usually one who always goes to bat for her, recognizes her experience and contribution, etc.

    I won’t do anything about it, other than continue treating her with the same respect that I always have. But, I’m not going to stop making corrections to her draft documents – just like I do for everyone else.

    1. She mentioned you, other attorneys and/or the firm by name? That’s something I would bring to HR (or a partner, if you’re an associate) because of the potential reputational damage. Most places would want to fire a staff member who negatively posted about their employer online.

      To answer your question, it’s definitely a trope but hasn’t been my personal experience. My worst direct reports were mediocre white men.

    2. Is she posting in a way that identifies your firm? That seems wildly out of line. As described, she sounds immature, unnecessarily adversarial, and jealous of your success.

    3. You have a known bad apple yet you’re extrapolating and creating a categorical issue out of it. No, it’s beef between the two of you.

      2. Sounds like this is just an unprofessional person. You might be biased because most paralegals are women, and because men might put you down in different ways, but no less nasty. So your immediate instinct could be ‘would a man write THAT?’ but then when you think about it, it’s not hard to imagine a male colleague to make unprofessional remarks.

        For what it’s worth, this would bother me too, but I agree that it’s probably best to forget about and move on!

        1. Yeah I’ve been a paralegal with men and women attorneys and 1. I haven’t found my interactions or perceptions are different based on my boss’s gender and 2. This person is showing poor judgment at best. I would definitely take to HR. There’s almost no way for you as a manager to look at her neutrally now, right? I’m not sure what the best course of action here is but “do nothing” isn’t it

    4. No need to draw sweeping conclusions about all women because this one isn’t great

    5. My experience over the last twenty years, there are occasional female staff who have a hard time with being professionally deferential to female lawyers/managers when the lawyers/managers started as summer students when the staff were already quite well established. I’ve sometimes wondered if it is because female lawyers seem to maintain a more youthful physical appearance (skincare/dying hair) whereas male lawyers tend to embrace grey hair etc so they don’t subconsciously think of the female lawyers as being senior. While I have seen the dynamic a few times, it’s definitely more rare than common.

      I’ve never seen the issue with a staff member who lateraled in even if they were senior to their lawyers in age.

      The vibe reminds me a bit of experienced nurse and someone who has moved from medical student to resident and then attending. Med students/residents are foolish if they don’t learn from experienced nurses but at a certain point, the relationship vibe changes.

    6. IDK, I have had more problems with insubordinate men than with insubordinate women.

    7. Unpopular opinion and certainly not universal, but yes this has been my experience. Female staff are sometimes willing to do things for men and accept a level of criticism/ feedback that they are less willing to do/accept from women – partly because they feel like the women should be friendlier/nicer/more flexible/more like friends than supervisors. I am a little surprised that more people have not encountered this.

      2. This has also been my experience, but I will note that the question was “are women worse to have as direct reports than men?” not “do women perform better for male bosses?” Those are different things.

      3. I have seen this too, at multiple workplaces and stages of my career. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I am not super warm/friendly by nature before I get to know someone, and definitely not in a context where I am supervising someone.

      4. I have experienced this too with clerical staff. Make copies for Bob? No problem. Make copies for me, same level as Bob? “I’m busy right now, can’t you do it?”

        Literal example from my last workplace.

  3. Help me decide between my current nonprofit job and a nonprofit offer:

    Current job: steady, comfortable, like the people, hybrid (3 days in office, 2 WFH), minimal to no travel, helps me connect to immediate community, good PTO, no real opportunity for growth and don’t want boss’s job.

    Job offer: fully remote, ~15% salary increase, seemingly wonderful people, smart leadership, mission that doesn’t get me too excited, some travel, not great PTO.

    I love the place I currently work but feel stagnant and like there isn’t any real growth potential (position or salary). I also feel like I am getting to an age where I need to make a leap to progress before it is too late since ageism is real. The job market is tough and I am wondering if I should push myself to take the bird in hand. I can see why people end up staying places forever, though. Help!

    1. have you thoroughly vetted the cost of health insurance and any other benefits like 401k match? that can very easily be eaten up by a 15% bump.

    2. Don’t underestimate the value of PTO – can you negotiate for more? The longer I have worked, the more important that has become to me.

    3. What strikes me in all this is that you wanted a new job enough to go out and look for one (unless they came to you?), and now that you have an actual job offer, I’m not hearing any level of excitement or interest or happiness about it. Unless that lack of response comes from the uncertainty of making a change and is congruent with how you generally respond to transitions, I’d keep looking.

    4. It’s depends on your finances but personally I would not give up PTO for a 15% raise.

    5. does the 100% remote allow you to work from anywhere and the 15% give you a travel budget? I’d be willing to give up *some* PTO if, say, I could do two-week rentals different places, and explore after work & weekends.

      1. ymmv but working remotely short term like that isn’t uncommon even in hybrid workplaces. I’m officially 2 days/week in office but am able to do 2-3 weeks every summer fully remote to work from a different state (I can’t work outside the country, but that’s a tax thing, not a hybrid workplace thing).

    6. Doesn’t sound remotely worth it. You’ll lose all your political capital for barely a raise and a lateral move? Also, sorry but fully remote is out of sight, out of mind. If you’re ambitious and don’t need this to raise kids, it’s not the path to upward mobility at work.

    8. Where are you in life? Job 2 if you really want the money* and/or flexibility and/or career growth, but try and negotiate the offer up (more $, more PTO, etc). Keep your current job if you are happy in it and have no pressing reason to change.

      *15% increase may or may not be a wash if you are not making much in a nonprofit and the benefits are worse- look closely.

    9. I wouldn’t underestimate the “connect to immediate community” part of this either. Once you go truly remote, you will have to make efforts to try to stay connected to your community and network, so it may be harder to find another job if you don’t like this one.

      1. Counterpoint, I feel much more connected to my local community since going remote. I see people in my neighborhood a lot more and am a lot more involved in my kids’ schools and activities, and I’ve had professional opportunities come from those connections.

    10. I may be misinterpreting, but it sounds like you have been looking for a new job because you’re worried that you could be stuck if you stay where you are for too long. But you aren’t excited about the offer you landed. Recognizing that in the non-profit world there is little room to negotiate your offer up, I see two options for you:

      1. Stay where you are and keep looking for a new position, but be picky
      2. Take the new role with the expectation that you stay 1-2 years and keep looking for a mission that is meaningful to you

      There is nothing wrong with being picky (option 1). Especially in the non-profit world, your connections are key, and staying with an organization for a long time is valued. I also don’t think you would have mentioned the mission of the potential org if it didn’t matter to you. Some people are mission-driven and others aren’t, and it sounds as if you are.

    11. My general opinion on new roles outside of $ is that either the field of work or the role’s work must be interesting to me. Is this role either of those things?

      Aside from that, if the PTO is the big issue, I will say that being able to work remotely from anywhere pretty much means I only take PTO when I want to take an actual no contact vacation or am sick. I work from appointments so I don’t really need time off. I also travel to new locations where my schedule would give me afternoons and evenings off in a different place. That is something to consider when you evaluate the PTO piece.

  4. Best script to tell a co-worker to stop snapping gum? Or just stick my headphones in and try to ignore it? Our office is small and I am losing my mind. So many office politics play into this, ugh.

      1. I have never heard a person snap gum in real life. That’s something from ’50s teen novels.

        1. Isn’t that just the sound of blowing and popping little bubbles? People do that all the time. I think the phrase “snapping gum” sounds kind of quaint in that way but the activity is 100% a thing.

          If the office politics of saying ‘hey would you mind stopping with the bubble blowing’ are that bad, then sorry, time for a mini white noise machine or something.

        2. I had a coworker who snapped her gum, intentionally. I’ve had others who didn’t mean to but based on their jaw anatomy got a lot of little air bubbles integrated into the gum.
          For either I’d phrase it to give them the benefit of the doubt they didn’t know they were doing it

    3. Reframe it (both in your mind and out loud) as a request, not an order, and then use your words.

      1. This. “Bob, I am having a really hard time concentrating this morning. Would you mind not snapping your gum? I find it distracting. Thanks!”

    4. I’m a gum snapper- I love the feeling and the sound doesn’t bother me. I realize that people hate it so I really try to keep it to times that I’m alone in my car or in my office with the door closed, but I’m sure I mindlessly do it other times. Assume best intentions. The gum snapper probably has ADHD, its a mindless tic for them and they don’t realize they are doing it. A simple “hey, you might not hear it but popping your gum is really distracting to me. Can I ask you to be more mindful and chew your gum quietier?”

      1. What did I just read? Your best case scenario involves leaping to the conclusion that “this person has ADHD”

        1. That wasn’t very clear of me. My intent was to say, assume best intentions *and they aren’t doing it to drive you crazy. potentially like me,* that person has adhd and doesn’t realize they are doing it, it’s a mindless tic…

  5. If you have a new-ish phone, which one and do you like it (or not)? I have very old iPhones and am overwhelmed with apple and non apple choices.

    If you have / choose to carry two (one work/personal), do you have two of the same or two different?

    1. as long I have a Mac laptop, I won’t switch from an iphone to an Android. My phone and laptop work seamlessly together, and I don’t want to disrupt that. I have a very old iPhone, which is old enough now that the ios can no longer be upgraded. So I’ll need a new phone soon. When I buy it, I’ll follow my usual pattern and get a refurbished iPhone a couple of years behind the current releases. That gives me a significant discount, and still plenty of features and enough years where Apple is updating its software to make it useful.

    2. If you want to stay in the Apple universe – I think Pro is worth it. I like the smaller size + the great camera. I’m an amateur photo editor but find the tools easy to play around with.

      If you’re willing to switch to a different OS, I also like the Google Pixel camera and editing features (magic eraser).

    3. Don’t switch to Android if you’re comfortable with the iPhone IOS. it’s like being left or right handed, and the headache of relearning the system isn’t worth it … and I’m a long term android user!

    4. As someone whose primary concern in a phone is battery life (because I often forget to charge my phone or end up in out of the way places where phone charging is a commodity) I like OnePlus phones. But honestly, unless you’re really into photography with your phone or gaming then one phone is much like another and you’ve just got to decide iOS or Android.

    5. My work phone is an Android and I hate it, it’s such garbage, no wonder Apple has cornered the market.

      1. I dont like admitting this in real life lest i come across as an apple fanboy (which am not) am loving my new iphone!

    6. I just upgraded from an iPhone 14 Pro to an iPhone 17 Pro. I don’t think there’s any need to make that upgrade. I haven’t noticed any meaningful improvements in moving from the 14 to the 17. If there’s a good cost savings, I’d seriously consider just getting a new iPhone 14 Pro instead of the brand new model.

    7. Both my work and personal phones are Apple. I was briefly considering switching to an android, but having a work iPhone made me decide to stay iPhone for personal.

    8. I also stick with iPhones since I have all apple personal devices. I upgraded from a 12 to a 16e recently. I prefer smaller phones and my 12 was at the end of its lifecycle. But I usually wait for some kind of deal before making that switch. I haven’t had a non-iPhone since I had a blackberry so can’t speak to androids. Some of them probably take better photos than my iPhone but ease of connectivity still puts apple ahead.

    9. I have Android for personal and Apple for work phone. Among Android phones, the Pixel series is up and away the best and I’ve had a poor experience with Samsung and other phones in the past. I use google photos, gmail, google maps etc and the Android phone works great for all my needs including auto syncing photos to the cloud.
      I have the very old iPhone mini (maybe 13?) and I love it so much and didn’t upgrade even though I’ve been eligible for a free one. The functionality works fine, the phone screen isn’t too small for me, and holding it in my hand or pocket is perfect. It feels just the right size for my (smallish) hands. It fits well into small women’s pants pockets. It holds its charge well as a backup phone.

  6. Thanks to those of you who responded to my hair question a few days ago. I ended up getting a L’ange Duo, as suggested, and it worked great! My hair looked great for our family photos:-)

  7. Need a new deodorant and willing to spend some $$ on a really nice smelling one. What is your favorite?

    1. Not Native. I tried both scented and unscented. I know this part is subjective, but the scented didn’t live up to the description and the price tag (smelled cheap and overly strong to me). The unscented has not been effective as deodorant, which makes me wonder if they’re over relying on fragrance. I’ll follow this thread in case someone has found some that are as nice smelling as Native’s marketing made it sound!

    2. Ethique. I like the lavender, as well as whatever the green one is called. They work and the scent is not overpowering but lasts all day.

      This is weird, but I avoid Native b/c whatever they use for scent somehow seems to travel into my taste buds and doesn’t go away even if I shower the deo off myself. That creeps me out.

    3. I am obsessed with Corpus Naturals Cedar Flora. I went on a hunt several years ago when Tom’s stopped making the calendula scent and landed on CN. It’s pricey, but the sticks last a long time, smell amazing, and don’t irritate my sensitive skin. You can get a sampler pack of several of their scents to determine what you like, and the sample sizes are great for travel.

    6. Dove Clinical unscented. If you want a scent buy perfume don’t let your armpits get stinky and nasty and then try to cover it up.

        1. Or if you don’t mind the sweat and prefer to stick with just deodorant, wash often enough that you don’t stink.

      2. +1

        Vanicream unscented antiperspirant is also really great especially for those with skin sensitivity

        1. Echoing this! I have hyper sensitive skin, and have tried just about everything, antiperspirant / deodorant/ all natural+organic/ all lab-made, that I could find here and in the EU. When my skin is doing well, I can use Salt+Stone, but when it’s flaring up, the Vanicream unscented antiperspirant is fantastic.

    9. Tom’s of Maine. I don’t like deodorants with antiperspirant; they make me sweat more.

    10. Amallow Citrus Blossom scented – works better than any I’ve tried and it doesn’t irritate my skin after a while (or ever) like so many others have.

  8. Can you recommend resources that show how to wear a scarf in a current way? I love scarves, hear they are in again, and want to freshen up my old style. I looked online and all the ones I found felt old and stuffy, which in my 50s I don’t need to announce.

    1. Don’t do anything draped over your shoulders or hanging inside the blazer lapels. Tie around your neck. I like the classic stewardess from airlines of yore look.

      1. +1 The scarves I’m seeing now are bandana-sized, and are worn in bandana-esque or stewardess-of-yore ways. Not my personal jam, so I’m sitting out this scarf era. (I’m not a small or streamlined person, and large draping scarves suit me much better.)

      2. The airline look is my favorite! I feel very French-chic wearing them this way.

        Pinterest is good for short clips that show different knots to use to actually tie the scarf.

      3. Yeah, I’m still not wearing my big scarves but I love the small square ones.

    2. I am 47 and love scarves. Where did you see that they’re in again? I mean it’s fall so there’s that but is there something more? I’ll look for some resources for you…

    4. I think scarves are an element of personal style, not necessarily ever in or out.

      I find the bigger scarves hard to work with, but I love the bandana sized silk scarves (22 in x 22 in) and wear them around my neck and as a headband.

    5. Look up Abigail Goodman on instagram. She has lots of tutorials and ideas for how to wear a scarf. Downside is you might want to really stop in at Hermes afterwards.

      1. Pro tip, you can get great vintage Hermes scarves on Etsy – I love that they aren’t precious or expensive and wear them with everything

  9. Heading to London in February with my husband for a long weekend (Thursday morning-Sunday afternoon, plus travel time). Neither of us have ever been, and I’m feeling overwhelmed trying to pick a neighborhood to stay in, much less a hotel, even after several hours of research. Anyone have suggestions? Budget is not quite “sky’s the limit,” but we are going for a big anniversary, so it is fairly flexible. We’d prefer a smaller boutique feel, with great service, over a large/modern hotel. We loved Relais Christine in Paris, for reference.
    Thanks for any suggestions!

    1. We liked the Athenaeum, in Mayfair. It felt very centrally located for walking places and getting the tube, and nice being right across the street from Hyde Park. We were traveling with our kids and their suites were amazing. If I was traveling with just my husband I might check out the Ritz (just down the street from where we stayed).

    2. No ideas, but Relais Christine is one of my favorite places in the world, so if you find a London equivalent, I’d love to know!

    3. We just stayed at Flemings Mayfair, on the edge of Green Park, a week or so ago. Loved it. Small but with big luxe touches. It’s an SLH property, but with connection to the Hilton Honors network. Close to easy Tube stops and sights, shopping, great dining.

    5. I would identify the 2-3 places you want to go and use that to guide your neighborhood to search for hotels. For my last trip, I wanted to be close to covent gardens (by tube) and the major department stores (by walking) and landed on the marble arch area (London Marriot Hotel Park Lane). Most neighborhoods in London are going to have a park, coffee places, and restaurants. Given the short amount of time for your trip, I would focus on minimizing transit logistics.

    7. Look at the Mr&Mrs Smith boutique hotel page for loads of different boutique options for London.

      I would go for Hazlitt in Soho over Mayfair.

      I have always wanted to stay at the Zetter in Clerkenwell, but that’s less convenient for transport. That penthouse, though…

    11. The Mayfair Townhouse in Mayfair. Beautiful hotel, most comfortable bed I think I’ve ever stayed in, well-appointed bathroom and a one-of-a-kind lobby bar. Incredible converted townhouses across the street from Oscar Wilde’s old home. I can’t wait to go back.

    12. I loved Montague on the Gardens in Marylebone right next to the British Museum. Highly recommend! Boutique, great staff, beautiful rooms and amenities.

    13. If you’re going to be attending plays, I recommend the Haymarket Hotel in the theatre district. I stayed there for three nights last week and would definitely stay there again. It’s a boutique hotel but it has a spa and a restaurant on site. The bed was exceptionally comfortable and I enjoyed being able to walk to plays and to Fortnum & Mason.

  10. What is your recommendation for affordable international tours?

    My friends and I want to start exploring other continents (we have all independently backpacked Europe), but we’d like the security of a tour company or guide for future trips to Asia, South America and Africa.

    We don’t need anything fancy – backpacking and hostels are fine for us! We are fine with cities, the nature, adventure travel, or a mix. We just want someone else to do the legwork of organizing transport and lodging – I want someone to vet the plans and confirm they’re safe.

    We, as have most 20 something backpackers, all had our share of sketchy experiences (and at least in Europe, I spoke French and Spanish to get by!) and now in our 30s we would like to avoid that!

    All that said – I can’t spend $5k for a trip…

    I saw some great options from Intrepid but interested in finding more!

    1. you are paying for the tour. While i wouldn’t go to africa on my own i would absolutely go to japan, korea, thailand, costa rica, etc without a tour. You can do it! literally think of where you want to go and google “first time visitor 10 day itinerary” and then go from there.

      1. +1. Also I’m sure it depends on which part of Africa, but I found South Africa easier to plan and much easier to travel in than Thailand.

      3. Yeah, I would do those places without tours too! Our tastes run a little more “off the beaten path”, which is why we’d prefer a tour.

    2. Intrepid and G Adventures are best for this, unless you’re young and want to do a Contiki. I’ve done a ton of both Intrepid and G Adventures and they’ve been great for both solo travel and traveling with friends to places that can be hard to do on your own without a ton of planning (Africa, Japan, Antarctica, China, etc.). Highly recommend!

      1. Thank you!

        We’re technically young enough for contiki but not looking for the party vibe

      2. I agree. I’ve done both G adventures and intrepid trips, and they all were great is a single female traveler. The prices are pretty good. And it’s not like a traditional tour group, you have a guide who handles travel between cities, checking into the hotel, and gives you recommendations on sites and restaurants. But you’re often on your own for sightseeing during the day when in a city – I found that generally the group does something together, but you could always break off on your own if you wanna do something else.

      3. Third vote for Intrepid and G Adventures. I was traveling solo for a G Adventures trek up Mt. Kilimanjaro and it was a wonderful experience.

    3. I think tours would also be easier for a group – no argument over itinerary or accommodations! It is what it is!

    4. I have used a website like affordable tours to compare a variety of tour groups. Some tour companies handle specific destinations better than others. I have used Gate 1, Globus, and Cosmos tours. Those are more the traditional arrange transportation and lodging type of logistics tours. You will typically get people in their 60s, but there have often been people in their 30s and 40s who just don’t want to handle logistics. The hotels will kind of be mid tier but always safe. Typically the optional dinners aren’t worth it unless you want the experience involved. What you want to probably avoid are the cheapest options because even if they aren’t the party versions, they often are 40+ people on a big tour bus that limits what you experience. A 20-30 group is better (and also non-American if you’re really lucky). Americans on big tours are often annoying.

      Some of the tour operators like Intrepid really focus on experience type tours that are both physical and cultural. Of course if you have real money to spend more of the National Geographic type tours can be educational. I haven’t used OAT travel but I know many who have and enjoyed the experience. There are also people in travel Facebook groups who arrange group tours together — that might be an option.

      Another thing to consider for the tour is that you can arrange your own flights instead of going on the ones they choose. I’ve done this a few times and they still come and meet you at the airport. The logistics usually just worked better for me.

      Yes, you can plan tours on your own. I’ve traveled many places on my own too. But you don’t have to either.

    5. My friend Claire has a woman-owned company that does reasonably priced tours. They mostly do Europe but we did the Morocco trip and it was great, and she’s also doing Cuba now. http://www.wildsage.it

  11. This is just not how my job functions, so I wanted to get a vibe check from people with more demanding jobs to assess how people on this board would view this. His peers in the industry have all told me they think he works way too hard and puts in more effort than is needed, but it’s hard for me to get a read on it. Would you view this as your husband not showing up for you, or just the way the job is? The industry is sales and he’s in management if that helps.

    1. If his coworkers are saying unsolicited that he works too hard and you also feel that he isn’t showing up for you, it seems pretty cut and dry to me.

      But also, if you’re not feeling supported then you’re not feeling supported, regardless of the industry standards of his career. If you’re important to him, communicate your needs and he should try to meet them. If he doesn’t, he’s not a good partner.

    2. He may or may not be showing up for you, but you’re broadcasting his marital problems to his peers in the industry! Does he know you are doing this? It sounds like the two of you are in a rough patch and convincing him to scale back at work won’t change the underlying problem that you two don’t work as a team.

      1. I have not been broadcasting marital issues to his peers. His peers have unprompted told me that he works too hard and they don’t understand the hours he puts in.

    3. No experience in sales

      But what really sticks out to me in your post, is not just the being there or not being there for you but how he handled it. It doesn’t seem like the message was “I know the timing is horrible, but I absolutely have to be back for X meeting. I’m looked at the flight schedule and the last flight I can take and make the meeting is X time. Did you want to come back with me or should I fly back after the meeting for another couple days or I wish I could fly back after the meeting but I have Y follow up thing to do but we could come back on Z date?”

      If the message is more like “I can’t stay more than two days, I have a meeting.” and zero acknowledgement of how hard that is for you or any attempt to repair, I think that’s the issue of him not showing up for you.

    4. Let your spouse work the way he wants. If you have specific requests (I’d love for you to be honest for dinner at 6 pm), then speak to those things. But if you try to tell your spouse they are doing their job wrong, they will just defend themselves and get annoyed with you, backseat driver situation.

    5. Any chance he has some unusual history that fuels overwork, like coming from a family that struggled to meet the bills? Competition with another person/friend group? Repeating early dynamics that was parentification or never measuring up? It could run deeper than simply overwork. I’m not saying your feelings are wrong, it just might be a longer-term fix if that is running in his subconscious. If you are getting unsolicited feedback, chances are he’s getting direct comments/feedback.

  12. Sorry for the duplicate, but the first part of my post got eaten.
    When my FIL died a few years ago, I took care of all of the details to drive an 11 hr round trip back to my husband’s hometown every weekend for months so he could say goodbye in the way he needed.
    When my dad died last year, my husband kicked up a fuss any time I wanted to go back and straight up refused to go for the last time I saw my dad alive. He was at a new job and it was their busy period so it would have been challenging. He also said he wasn’t sure he could get time off for the funeral and demanded we only stay in my hometown a few days because he had an important meeting he needed to get back for.
    This is just not how my job functions, so I wanted to get a vibe check from people with more demanding jobs to assess how people on this board would view this. His peers in the industry have all told me they think he works way too hard and puts in more effort than is needed, but it’s hard for me to get a read on it. Would you view this as your husband not showing up for you, or just the way the job is? The industry is sales and he’s in management if that helps.

    1. He sounds like a complete a-hole. Even in the most demanding jobs, a family death is one of the few things people are understanding of.

      1. +1. When my dad died my law firm partner husband and my sales director brother in law dropped everything to support me and my sister. This is a jerk of a spouse.

      2. +1 he didn’t do the minimum for you, and he’s trying to put blame on his job instead of who he is.

    2. This isn’t about dying relatives. This is about love languages and getting your needs met. You’re clearly resentful of the time he spends at work, and maybe he’s a workaholic, we can’t know. You mentioning FIL’s funeral says that you feel like you give more to him than he gives to you. Hopefully if you have a good marriage he’ll want to help you feel loved and cared for, and that can be through love languages. I highly recommend you both read the book.

      To answer your direct question, I personally would take care of my dying relative and it wouldn’t even cross my mind that my spouse should be there. In fact, when my grandmother who raised me was dying, we were on a vacation and my husband quickly looked up the flight schedule and drove me 3 hours to the nearest airport. That’s how he supported me. What’s he going to do with me besides stand awkwardly in the hallway? And with a new job, there’s no way I would have expected him to burn goodwill/time off, which goes back to the whole I wouldn’t expect him to be there thing.

      1. I think this varies a lot depending on the relationships involved. DH was by my side the whole time when my grandmother was ill and passed. He’d known her for a decade as well at that point.

      2. Yeah, I agree with this. It wouldn’t have even occurred to me that my husband would spend more than a couple days with me visiting my dying parent, especially if he was in a new job. As someone who has been in workplaces where people don’t give a lot of grace, especially to new people who haven’t proved themselves, I understand that pressure of feeling like you can’t just disappear without a really good reason. There’s a huge difference in the way people act once they know you and you have a track record, but when you’re not really sure what the norms are, and you’re already struggling to get your feet under you, it’s really hard. I obviously have no idea whether he works too much in general, but taking extended time off at a busy time of year when in a new job wouldn’t be common, in my experience, unless it was an immediate family member who died (i.e. his parent, not yours)

        1. Yeah I suspect I am resentful that he expected me to be there for months and months of trips when his dad was dying, but was unwilling to consider that when it was my dad. And I was looking for support on a 4 day long trip, with 2 days off of work. So this wasn’t me asking for weeks or months of his time-just a few days.

          1. I hope you’re getting something out of this relationship. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

        2. Yeah – I would agree with this. I’d actually take it a step further and say I’d personally prefer my DH not be there. Sometimes it’s easier when it’s your family to only have to worry about yourself and know that someone else (DH) is keeping things running at our home. I’d want him to do everything else so I could deal with the relative dying and that’s how I’d want him to show up for me.

          I think this is so person dependent though.

        3. Most people consider a FIL to be a close relative. The relationships described here astound me.

          1. Well, FMLA doesn’t cover in laws, which limits most people’s ability to take extended time off. Not all of us have the kind of jobs where we have unlimited vacation or the ability to work remotely. Most of my family members work in education or healthcare and absolutely wouldn’t be able to take huge amounts of time off unless they went on leave (or it was summer, for the teachers).

          2. Most “demanding” employers are more generous than FMLA in this way. My Big Law firm’s bereavement policy definitely included parents-in-law. My FIL had a stroke when I was a second year and I left work suddenly on a Tuesday and worked from my in-laws’ house for the next week and a half with no criticism. It didn’t sound to me like OP’s husband needed to take extensive time completely away from work, just that he would have worked from a different location for a week or two. I would be really surprised about any professional job giving serious pushback to that kind of request. Even in Big Law the reaction was very much ‘go and be with your family.’

          3. Yeah, I’m not saying that was the case for OP, just saying that everyone’s perspective on this is shaped by their family and their jobs, and it doesn’t mean they hate their family because they happen to work in the kind of jobs that aren’t as flexible as other people’s. The OP’s first post did make it sound like she was talking about taking weeks off work for multiple visits, though then she just talks about one 4 day trip?

    4. I wouldn’t say it’s malicious, but the whole post speaks of some dysfunction with work. Did he have a history of job loss or other similar issues that make him feel like he needs to prove himself harder at work, or making him insecure at work? I’ve known plenty of guys that lose some sense of self after a previous bad job and are unable to set appropriate boundaries in the next job and feel the need to work harder than everyone.

      1. Let’s hope it’s this. It doesn’t make your life any easier, but if it’s born of complete anxiety and not being a jerk, you can work through it.

      2. He has not had issues with losing jobs, but he failed out of college the first time he went and has viewed himself as a failure ever since. That also ended up saddling him with 6 figures of student loans (5ish years at an expensive private college, but that’s a whole other story). So there is this need to feel successful, plus me mostly working with people with graduate degrees, so he feels like he doesn’t live up to my work colleagues. I also outearn him and I think that makes him uncomfortable, though he’s never come out and said it.

    5. Not sure if I am interpreting this correctly, but if your H demanded that both of you leave “early” after your dad’s funeral, rather than him leaving early and you staying as long as needed, that’s a huge red flag to me. Yes, possible that the meeting was important but that shouldn’t impact your personal schedule if you wanted and needed to spend more time in your hometown

      1. So to be fair, it is about a 13 hr round trip drive to my hometown (with no real flight options). So it would have been a hard sell for us to drive separately. But maybe I should have pushed for that.

        1. Fair, I wasn’t thinking of that (I just assumed there would be some other option available – flight/train/car rental/etc)

          It sounds like you feel like his job has a bigger voice in your relationship than you do, which is rightly an issue that needs to be addressed.

    6. I have a couple friends with inconsiderate husbands who do this to them. They use the career as a shield to avoid being a decent human being. They’re just sooo busy. It’s always ones with very mediocre careers too. Meanwhile, their superstar wives just put up with it.

      1. It does feel like the career is a shield to not participate in the rest of the relationship. He doesn’t want to do anything around the house after work because he’s tired, but he also doesn’t want to do anything on the weekend because that’s his time to rest/do hobbies. So maybe this is just part of a larger problem about how much I feel like he’s contributing.

        1. It sounds like your marriage is unbalanced. I think it’s worth talking about contributions to the family to make sure you both better aligned in your expectations going forward (maybe with an unbiased third party). Feeling like you’re the one carrying all the water in the marriage is not sustainable for long. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you can work through this.

    7. This it totally inexcusable. I’m in sales management and the stress is self-imposed. Yeah, quotas are stressful and it’s pretty self-directed. But there is no work reason that would justify his behavior.

      1. I am really not sure at this point. It’s easy to convince myself I’m asking for too much.

        4. I spent close to 15 years trying not to need what I needed. Spoiler alert: I needed it, it was reasonable, he was an AH.

        5. Um, no. Your clarifications above make this look even worse. It sounds like you should be asking for more, and he should be happily giving it to you. This relationship sounds way off. Do you think he would be open to discussing it/therapy? If not…. I just don’t think that’s acceptable. Agree with everyone else that you deserve so much better.

        6. From your description, he did not sound upset at himself, his job, or the universe that he could not met your very reasonable request. Instead, he was upset at you. He also doesn’t bring much on a day to day basis due to his job and prioritizing himself (hobbies). Please value yourself more. You are allowed to expect your husband to make your life better.

    9. Im reading this as a very independent person, but…expecting your spouse to do exactly what you did for them a few years later when they have a new job is just not how marriages work. Equitable, but not equal is what you should strive for.

      Your husband is in a season of “leaning in” at work, which may mean he can’t/could not be physically present for as much travel or assisting in person with your mom’s last weeks. But that doesn’t mean he can’t support you via phone, or help with your kids, etc. It just means he cannot travel, perhaps.

      This is worth exploring in a more in depth way–you need more from him and he cannot or does not want to give more in this season in his life, and you should communicate about that and see if there’s a happy medium you can reach.

      1. Yeah, that’s a fair criticism. This is part of a larger pattern of feeling like I don’t get what I need from him, but I may just be being unfair. I’ll have to think on that.

        1. I responded above saying you’re not asking for too much. You’re right that you should have a think on it. And the poster above is also right (IME anyway) that tit for tat doesn’t work in a marriage. But over time you should feel like you’re both putting in a similar amount to the marriage and you both feel supported and loved by the other. That may not happen in every season/in every moment, but if you feel like the balance is off then you’re probably on to something. I obviously don’t know what the answer is OP, but it is NOT “you’re expecting too much so just expect less and keep putting yourself in a smaller and smaller box”. Hopefully you can both navigate to a place where you’re both getting what you need from each other. And if not, then you have to decide how you want to proceed.

    10. i agree that his behavior is unacceptable — but you’ve held on to this much angst for a YEAR without discussing it with him?

      i do know some people who are in careers like this (Big 4 type stuff) and I can see it being the vibe for Big Law also. For a lot of those people it’s price of admission / price of staying at that very competitive place instead of leaving for a more comfortable job.

      1. I told him at the time that I was crushed and he said he was sorry but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. I had a pretty rough year (served on a jury for a child abuse case, lost my first dog and my dad within a 1 week period, and had a management chain that was chucking f bombs at each other on the regular at work). I have just started to really process all of those events.

        1. You deserved better and more support. Even if he truly had work commitments that were unbreakable, it makes all the difference how he talks about those things and how much he acknowledges that a very hard time for you was made harder by not being able to rely on him. Given how much he relied on you, one would hope he would have more empathy for how hard it was to go through what you did.

        2. oof that does sound like a really horrible year. was he supportive with the other stuff or “too busy”?

    12. Does he show up for you in other ways or has he in the past? I could understand wanting to minimize travel if he’s starting a new job, but I can’t support holding you back from visiting your dying father. The way you described him, he doesn’t provide you emotional support at difficult times, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, and wants to spend his weekends relaxing because he deserves it? Is he a 1950s husband? If he doesn’t have any redeeming qualities I would be questioning what I’m getting from this relationship, especially since you’re the higher earner.

    13. Similar situation for me. When my husband’s father died, he literally moved back to his hometown for 3 weeks to be with him on his deathbed, leaving me with two children under three and a full time job to handle alone. When my father died, he objected to me flying back to his hometown the day after he died to help with funeral prep because it was an “overreaction.” We are now divorced, but it took five more years before it happened.

      Think about whether this man really loves you. Think about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life.

    14. My husband has a far less flexible job than I do. When my grandmother was dying, I spent a few weeks off and on traveling to be with her, and then to help with and attend the funeral. My husband was with me the night she actually died and the next day. He had to go back to work and then was with me for the funeral. I’m glad he was able to me with me for what to me felt like the most important times–her actual death and the funeral. I wish he could have spend the whole time with me and I know he wanted to. But his job was also important to our family (not more important, but important) and so it felt like a good compromise to me. He has had a few deaths recently in his family and I went to one funeral, but not to the other that required more travel. Our kids couldn’t miss that much school for not an immediate relative. But I told him to take as much time away as he needed. He was close (it was a cousin’s child who died) with that cousin and wanted to be there to help. He was gone for a week (he’s more senior now and so was able to take more time off than when my grandmother died).

  13. How does one go about finding a high-end artist to commission to do a family portrait? We want something on the more traditional side, oil on canvas, ideally with an actual sitting (as opposed to based on photography, does anyone still do that?), but also looking for someone who may be able to add in pets (dog, cats) from photography.

    No idea where to start, any ideas appreciated!

      1. We are not, but that gave me a chuckle! Maybe I can find a “South Jersey Lady” magazine…

    2. I’m guessing that if you want to commission a high-end artist, you must have Money, which means you’re also likely among people who have Money. I’d start asking friends or colleagues if they know anyone you could talk to. They might send you to a gallery owner, a family they know who had an artist they loved, their friend in the art world, etc.

    3. An alternative is a family photo portrait, particularly photo-journalistic-style family photos or kid photos.

  14. I will be backpacking Europe for 3 weeks next year. My activities will range from attending a black tie wedding to a hut to hut hiking trip. Most of the trip will be touring cities, towns, and lower key outdoor activities (beach or lake days, smaller hikes).

    Looking for packing and planning tips!

    1. is anyone else you know flying in for just the wedding? would they bring your dress and shoes with them? definitely would not want to schlep a dress around….

      1. Unfortunately the only other attendees I know are the immediate family of the bride. Not only will they be busy, but I also live about 400 miles from them.

        The bride is my childhood friend (but we didn’t go to school together so idk her high school friends) who moved abroad years ago and is getting married where she now lives (and where her fiancé is from). Her parents have relocated to her sister’s city to be near the grandkids.

        1. Are you worried about the dress being lost during shipping? Because I would just ship it to your friend. The business it was purchased from might even have recommendations for who they use to ship dresses. If you don’t want to do that, put it in a garment bag as your carryon and ship it from the local post office immediately after the event. I wouldn’t carry it around for 3 weeks.

          Yes, it might get lost in transit but if you’re paying for tracking and next day service, that seems less likely to happen. She isn’t going to be put out by receiving a package.

      2. I am trying to maybe bring a pair of heels that are on their last leg for the wedding so I can trash them afterwards.

        I’d say I’d do the same thing for a dress, but I’m also a bridesmaid and dont know what I’ll need to wear yet.

        1. Oh that makes it easier. Trash the bridesmaid dress or ship it home from the wedding venue so you don’t have it on the rest of your trip. I never wore a bridesmaid dress again so I’d just accelerate getting rid of it.

    2. A few years ago I had a business trip that I needed suits and heels for and then a 2 week backpacking trip around China, so similar. I always use packing compression cubes when I’m trying to travel light and also love the clothing bags that look like a giant Ziploc so you put your clothes in, roll the air out and have a neatly compressed packet that doesn’t get as wrinkly. I put my suit in the plastic bag flat at the bottom of my backpack and then used packing cubes for the rest of my day-to-day clothes. I think you could do the same with your wedding guest dress and then run a steamer over it at the hotel. Also, for backpacks, I recommend ones that open like a suitcase and not ones that you have to load from the top – those are a nightmare on long traveling trips. Have fun, this sounds awesome!

    3. look up the r/heronebag subreddit. Tons of advice there and you don’t have to have an account to browse.

    4. A dream trip! I’ve done a few hut to hut hikes and love it. I would pack one suitcase with wedding and city gear, and plan to store it at a hotel while hiking. I would keep my hiking clothing to a minimum with just two tops, one pair of pants, and one pair of shorts, and plan to hand wash items overnight at the huts. Patagonia Capilene Cool t-shirts have been great for this, and if you buy them in solid colors they look polished enough to wear in town as well. A microfiber towel also comes in handy. Lots of the little towns also have hiking stores so if you forget something you can always pick it up there – no need to overpack just in case.

    5. If the wedding is at the beginning, I’d see about mailing home whatever you don’t need immediately after the wedding.

      If you’ll be in Switzerland for the hut-to-hut, the Swiss train system offers a service where you can drop off a bag at one manned train station and pick it up a few days later at another manned train station. Super nice not to have to carry so much in the mountains. At least when I used this ages ago, the price was very reasonable.

    6. Can you buy/thrift shoes and the dress while over there? Or ship them to yourself so you don’t have to schlep them while backpacking?

    7. I am a bridesmaid, so I expect to have parameters for my dress.

      I’m hiking after the wedding, I couid potentially donate the dress after the wedding (if I didn’t spend a ton on it!)

      1. You may also be able to look into bag storage if you’ll be arriving and departing via the same city. I did a similar trip last year and was able to reach out to my hostel and negotiate a bag check (left a small duffle bag there while I did a 5 day backpacking route, then picked it up on the way out of town). Nothing super valuable was in the bag (just clothing and makeup / toiletries I didn’t want to carry on the trail) so I had no qualms about leaving it. Anecdotally I spoke to others on the trail who did a similar set up (and left laptops, etc. in locked suitcases).

    8. IME, most black tie dresses pack down quite small so long as theres no underskirt. I think you’d be fine to pack the dress in a packing cube after the wedding and stuff it in the bottom of your backpack.

      Shoes are a bit harder, but if it’s black tie your dress will be floor length so no one would really see them. I’d do a nice pair of sandals (flat or small heel) you can akso wear around town that also pack well.

    9. Ship wedding stuff to wherever you’re staying for wedding. Make sure they’re aware and can hold it for you. Many places will do this. Then, see if you can ship wedding outfit back.

  15. new yorkers – i have a friend flying from out of state to NYC today to terminate a pregnancy. i want to send her something while she is recovering in her hotel. any suggestions? are insomnia cookies are still good?

    1. Insomnia Cookies are still good and have locations all over the city so you can find one near her hotel that will deliver. If you want to post where she is staying, you may get other recommendations.

      Also, you’re being a good friend but just need to say it’s insane that someone would have to fly to NYC to have an abortion. What a time we are living in.

    2. I don’t think Insomnia Cookies are good – they taste artificial and have ingredients that give DH heartburn – so this may be a know your friend thing.

      If you know her hotel, I would coordinate with the hotel so that whatever you send just magically appears in her room. She may not want to walk down to the lobby to receive a package.

    3. Levain bakery would be better than Insomnia, IMO. It’s kind of you to think of your friend and insane that your friend needs to travel.

      1. +1 Maybe I’m biased because I live in the middle of nowhere in flyover country and even here we have an Insomnia so I don’t think of it as a very special/unique thing, but I would try to get something like Levain that’s more NY-specific. Agree it’s very kind of you to think of her and insane that she needs to travel.

        1. I LOVE Levain. I’m a former new yorker and used to live nearby when they only had stores in NYC and Long Island. I hate that they are everywhere now. I looked on their website, but only see like delivery via shipping – do they do local delivery? Levain was my first thought but couldn’t figure out local delivery. And yes, we live in TX….

          1. I’ve had Levain delivered via Postmates (not in NYC, in another large metro). There may be a similar setup in NYC?

          2. I don’t know if they have their own local delivery, but you can Doordash them, at least in midtown Manhattan.

          3. I would try uber eats. I bet they delivery locally on that or one of the other apps

  16. Interested to know how others would approach this. And especially interested to hear from anyone who’s had a similar situation!

    I’m an in-house lawyer for a F500 company. I am well compensated (all-in comp is mid 300s) have an objectively great work-life balance. I get to WFH two days a week, and on the days I’m in the office, I’m usually there from 9-4. I don’t abuse it, but if I need to WFH on an additional day for whatever reason, it’s no problem. I don’t work weekends, and will rarely send an email in the evening. I completely unplug on vacations. However, with two school aged kids, I feel constrained by my PTO. I have 20 days plus federal holidays, which I think is pretty standard (certainly not stingy), but leaves me scrambling every year to try to take a couple days off here and there in Nov/Dec to do school stuff for my kids (ages 5 and 7) or just have a day-date with my husband to do Christmas shopping, etc. Everything else is taken up by 1 or 2 vacations (no more than a week each), a couple of long weekends, and random days we have no school/childcare OR days I want to volunteer at school (field trips etc). I would love to be able to take a 2-week vacation every year, plus have plenty of days to volunteer at school, take off more days around the holidays, etc.

    Due to a recent change in circumstances, I no longer need to work for money. Frankly, neither does my husband, and he will probably pull back (but not completely retire) in the next 5 years. However, I do not see myself as someone who does not work for money. My identity includes being a lawyer and working outside the home. So “retiring” at 40 is not in the cards. I worry about how it would come off to friends and family and mostly how we would explain it to my kids. I guess I could fill my time with pro bono work / philanthropic work, but we have a lot of paid help at home so “keeping house” would not really keep me busy at all, even if I wanted to do it. I am just completely resistant to the idea of stopping work.

    So, I’m thinking the middle ground would be to try to get more time off. I’m fine with it being unpaid. If I could get another 2-4 weeks of PTO (with a proportional salary decrease) I would be ecstatic. But I don’t know how to approach it. I don’t want to advertise at work that I don’t need the money. I don’t know of examples of other people who have done this, either. I know there are companies where you can buy PTO, but my company sadly doesn’t do this. Would I be setting myself up for an awkward situation if I were to approach my boss about this?

    TIA for any thoughts!

    1. Could you just take leave without pay and see how it goes? I do this, and as long as I’m not dropping any balls, it’s fine.

    2. Rather than ask for more time off, my husband just went on a reduced hours schedule (80%). He works does it so he only works M-Th, unless it is a really busy, all-hands on deck time of year. And, on the money front, he just owed it as everyone at his office understand that my bonus is bigger than his annual pay.

      1. I think this would be a good option for OP too. If every Friday is off, you’ll go through less PTO and have it available for that random Tuesday in Dec. for the class holiday party, etc.
        I’m also wondering if you could just block some time on your calendar for partial day absences and not burn PTO. For ex, just block off two hours for the school event or a doctor’s appt or to go to the doctor or whatever. I’m 20 years into being a lawyer and I know what needs to get done now – and what can wait until the next day or that evening – so I’m not shy about shifting around my day or week if needed.

    3. I think this is a know-your-company kind of problem. When I tried to go as part time as my big law firm would allow, I got less interesting work, still didn’t get the amount of time at home I wanted, and ultimately quit.

      I couldn’t figure out how to do the kind of legal work that I like to do and have the amount of home time I wanted. I would jump at the chance to do interesting legal work again if I could do it on my schedule. Instead, I do small creative projects while my kids are at school.

      For now, I figure it’s a choice between doing the legal work I like and having the amount of time with my kids that I want. Given a lack of financial need for work, kids win. Also, it’s not bad having time for exercise, relaxing, seeing friends, and never having to stay up late for work.

    4. My family is nowhere near as wealthy as yours but I had a smaller scale version of this (due to savings from a prior job and a higher earning husband) for years before I eventually got laid off. The perception that I didn’t need the money created a lot of awkwardness for me at work and I believe was a factor in the layoff, so I think you’re right to be mindful of creating that perception.

    5. In terms of approach, I think it depends on whether you have a close relationship with your leadership team or not. If you do, float the idea of scaling back in order to have time for some new family commitments and see if they are open to a bespoke working arrangement in the form of reduced hours or unpaid leave. If not, then I think you have to negotiate another week of PTO. I don’t think you’ll be able to negotiate more than a week without threatening to quit, however.

    6. I am in a very similar financial situation, also with elementary school aged children. My solution was reducing my hours to 60%. I work at a big law firm in T&E, which is easy to scale to part time. Does your company have any precedent for part time hours? 60% might not be realistic at a F-500 company, but maybe even 80% would make a difference.

    7. Have you considered changing jobs to an in-house job with unlimited PTO? Most tech companies have this. Your comp will be lower, because you won’t have public company equity that vests quarterly. And your QOL may be worse because in-house tech jobs are NOT cushy, typically–they’re fast paced. But it would solve your PTO dilemma.

      But I also echo what other say–if you’re well-regarded, speak with your boss about taking about a week of unpaid PTO per year. I doubt they’ll bat an eye if you time it well and are still getting your work done.

      1. I have an in-house job with unlimited PTO. My goal is to take 20 days off for vacation, plus take sick days whenever needed. (I am rarely sick enough to need to take off from work.) Taking more than 20 days or taking 2 weeks off in a row would be frowned upon. And we recently laid someone off in part because they were taking too much of their “unlimited” PTO, though it was far more than 5-6 weeks.

    8. Just start asking for more unpaid time off. “Boss, my family is planning a 2-week trip to Spain. I will not have enough PTO but would like to take it unpaid.”

      If you need explicit approval to be able to sleep at night, etc., propose receiving 20 unpaid full days off work per year during your performance review instead of comp increase.

      1. I posted above about part-time hours, but I also think this is a good approach / worth trying.

      2. This. This approach works where I work, and would not be weird at all for payroll.

    9. Companies don’t like to do time off without pay because it’s outside their payroll routine. A lot of times, this is the reason behind refusal to allow it. I agree with the other poster who suggested you ask for an 80% schedule. I also don’t “have” to work due to proximity to retirement and good savings, but I also enjoy it. However, if my job goes RTO (currently remote), as is being threatened, I’m certainly not going to do that, and I’ll look for consulting jobs in my field. Is there any way you can hang out a shingle (so to speak) and do as much or little legal work as fits your schedule?

    10. if you can WFH, do you really need to take a whole day off to do school stuff for your kids in November/December. I have the same number of days off, but there was a year I saved up a ton to carry over, so I usually take the week of Thanksgiving (I only have to use 3 days for that), a week for spring break, and 2-3 weeks in the summer. my office is also closed from christmas to new years, which makes this possible. is your PTO all one bucket? DH gets 25 days, so more than you do, but somehow also manages for us to take an almost 3 week long summer trip, as well as spring break and winter break and a day here or there for Jewish holidays. granted he works like 24/7 and doesn’t really unplug. if you have a separate bucket for sick days or personal days or something like that, perhaps use some of those for tehse one offs?

      1. It also seemed like a surprisingly little amount of vacation to me, unless you’re burning a lot of it on sick leave. I have 25 days, so 1 week more than OP, but I usually take a few days at winter break (which allows for a 1 week trip when combined with the holidays), 1 week at spring break, 3 weeks over the summer (which often includes 2 weeks consecutively for a bigger trip) and a few days at fall break. We usually combine summer trips with Memorial Day and/or July 4th to save an extra couple of days. I don’t really take random days off and would never take PTO to be at the kids’ school for a couple of hours – to me that’s one of the biggest perks of a hybrid, flexible job.

        If you’re using a lot of it on sick leave, maybe you could negotiate for separate sick leave? I don’t actually use much sick leave now that I have school age kids but having a separate bucket gives me a lot of peace of mind that I can stay home with a sick kid without ruining a future vacation.

      2. OP here. I have unlimited sick days (and also, have literally never taken a single one LOL). My office does not close between Xmas and New Years, and I never take that week off, but I do get to WFH and there’s not a ton of actual work to do, so I can do things here and there with the kids.

        So the thing about the hybrid schedule is that the WFH days are strictly M, F. So if there’s a school thing/field trip/other thing I want to do, and it’s not a Monday or Friday, I’d have to take the day (or half day) off.

          2. I think it’s a little sad to choose your job over school trips when you’re independently wealthy and don’t even need to work. Sure, some working parents can’t make it work, and I understand that, but OP is basically working for fun and kids are only little for a short time.

        2. OP here. To be clear I go to all the school field trips. I volunteer for all the book fairs. I just have to take PTO to do it, unless it’s a M or F. Therefore not a lot of PTO left for longer vacations.

          1. I am the Anon that switched to 60% hours, and this is an example of why! I can attend all that stuff (which I love and want to attend!) with zero “guilt” for missing work and zero stress about taking time off.

    11. Thanks for all the food for thought. I definitely don’t want to hang a shingle and don’t really want to change jobs because I don’t think I’m going to find as good of a combination as I have now (low stress, hybrid WFH / in office, like the work, good hours, good people, and well compensated).

      I don’t know of anyone in the legal dept (or in the company more broadly but I wouldn’t know those details) at 80% or who takes unpaid time off (absent some medical/caregiving situation). So I could ask but definitely worried about the perception it would create. It’s an interesting thought to ask if I can forego salary raise in exchange for more PTO, will consider that.

      1. Would job sharing make sense if someone else was also looking for that flexibility? I know with government jobs – first you write out that there is enough work to create that position, then you can hire one person to perform that work.

        See what HR has on the website or that is shared via “family friendly” PR.

    12. If I didn’t have to work for money, I would tell my team I’m taking the time off. I’d give advance notice and arrange coverage etc, but it wouldn’t be a request.

    13. I think you have two options – first, is proposing taking unpaid time off. The second, and more controversial, is to lean the hell out. Meaning, if you want to go Christmas shopping in the middle of the day or stop by school to volunteer, block your calendar, work from home and see what happens. I’d bet that folks largely don’t notice, especially if some of those 9-4 days become 9-5 to make sure things get done.

      If you really don’t need the job, what’s the worst that can happen – they fire you?

      1. The leaning out thing is what I would do. The worst they can do is fire you and 1) that will probably take a long time and 2) you don’t need the money anyway.

        1. Agreed. OP – I see that you said above that if a kid’s thing is not on a Monday or Friday, you have to take PTO. What if you just block your calendar and go anyways without using PTO? From your initial post, it sounded like your office is fairly flexible with time given you work 9-4 most days. I am at a firm, so I recognize it is different, but our in office days are also Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and I chaperone plenty of field trips and attend events at my kids’ school on those days without ever taking PTO.

    14. I would approach this as you would like to be 80% effort instead of 100%. My company assumes people at full time effort work 2080 hours (40 hours per week), so 80% would be 1664 hours. You would go from 40 hours a week to 32, which would mean you’d have one extra day of time off a week. Presumably, you could work full weeks and “bank” that extra day so that you could take another week of vacation every so often instead of taking one day off per week. My org would also be open to unpaid PTO but it’s often easier just to reduce from full time effort. You don’t have to say you are doing this because you don’t need the money, just say it would work better given your family obligations.

    15. Just see if you can arrange to work on a part-time basis. That will balance the desire to remain a working person with the desire not to work so much anymore to free up time for other things. Good luck!

  17. Are Michael Aram frames still popular for wedding gifts? I have a friend getting married – second marriage and a small ceremony. No registry but I want to get her something to commemorate the occasion. I know that they hired a photographer so presumably will frame a picture or two. The frames at Tiffany are all over $1000 which is wild. Looking at something else and need something I can pick up in store. Just wondering if the moment for these has passed or it’s still something people want as a gift.

    1. I had never heard of them, but looked them up. This is a very specific style that could really clash with the tastes of the couple. If you go with this definitely provide a receipt.

        1. really?!?! i’m only 40, and all of my friends had his stuff on their wedding registries, ~10 years ago and all my younger cousins getting married still have it on their resumes. there are some taht are less obviously his – like the Love Knot, Hammertone and Shagreen. Buy from Bloomingdales with a gift receipt

      2. oh yeah I hate this — looks like TJMaxx, sorry! but I would def give with receipts, or avoid.

    2. they’re kind of a generic gift at this point the way a set of Tiffany champagne flutes is. Acceptable but buy at a major retailer like Bloomie’s and include a gift receipt. I find less detailed frames (like plain silver) versatile for lots of decor – it can read modern & simple or also blend in with more detailed pieces.

      Ex here- https://www.potterybarn.com/products/modern-brass-frame/?catalogId=84&sku=2141679&cm_ven=PLA&cm_cat=Google&cm_pla=Pillows%20%26%20Decor%20%3E%20Picture%20Frames&cm_ite=2141679_14552546110_pla-620902979739&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=14552546110&gbraid=0AAAAADr1rYWhm44LtmNmCHQlmJqMBIjTw&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIirXWuoKQkAMVCy_OBx0tYCs0EAYYByABEgKQe_D_BwE

    3. How about a night at a hotel, or air b&b gift card? Or a fancy bottle of champagne?

  18. I need a bag for my 10 year old. She needs to fit a water bottle, pair of dance shoes, a small snack (like a granola bar) and one of those clipboards with storage.

    Her school backpack is too big/bulky. A string bag is too flimsy. A mini backpack won’t hold the clipboard.

    It’s for her musical theatre class /production and also for her dance team (which isn’t “dance team” in the competition sense where she needs a full gear bag). A standard “dance bag” isn’t right either, those are more duffel style.

    My other kids do sports and it seems like she needs a lighter version of one of those team sport bags. Have you seen anything like that around?

      1. OP here and I am laughing at the look of death I would get for suggesting an LL bean tote bag. (No shade, I love them! The Youth do not.)

    5. I feel like my Trader Joe cloth bag would be perfect for this — but no closure on top. Or – we’d use an old Jansport-type backpack for this. Does she have one from previous years that she isn’t using?

    6. The Target All in Motion 20L Cinch Backpack is $10 and comes in lots of pretty colors. It has a front pocket that would keep the shoes separate, and I think a clipboard would fit in the main cinch compartment.

    7. What is the issue with a duffel style dance bag? Assuming she has to carry her school back pack and this bag, it seems easier to manage a duffel vs a second back pack.

      What about the Bloch studio bag? [I googled small dance bag for girls.]

    8. 2 small backpacks that are good quality:

      The Osprey 9 litre daypack is big enough, and comfortable to wear.

      Sea to Summit has some small and very durable packable bags in their nano range. Super light, and comfortable straps.

      Bag – look for a Longchamp le Pliage dupe?

    9. My kid uses a dance backpack for theater that is similar in size to a school/sports backpack. I think it’s the champion all-sport backpack.
      While a little big sometimes, it means they have extra dance shoes or can hold snacks/costume pieces/etc. when needed, and honestly I like the simplicity of just having one bag to manage versus having to manage two different bags when more is needed.

  19. I need a Palm Springs theme gift for a teen girl who likes sweatshirts (but not hoodies unless they are full zip) and unique tees. I will fly out before the airport shops open so can just order something to be shipped. What is cool that I could try to get?

        1. Ooh, I like those! They also come in cotton, which at least my teen would prefer to silk.

      1. I am trying to imagine the look of disdain on my teen’s face if I gave her anything by Trina Turk. Those are old lady clothes.

  20. Wowza — flights from East Coast US to Western Europe seem to be 2000 per person in April (US public school spring break in my state — around Easter) but just seem to drop to 1500ish per person at other times. Is that just want things cost now? We took several years off of travel for COVID and some years of eldercare issues but while I am really my wallet may not be. There is no magic source of finding cheaper flights now? I can spent hours searching but it seems futile when I do it.

    1. varies a lot by destination and date. Peak times – like spring break – $1500 doesn’t surprise me, as fares around $1000-$1200 are pretty typical. Best we’ve gotten in the last year is $800pp for a late Sept. trip.

    2. $2k seems really high to me, but we normally pay $1,300-$1,500 for flights to Europe (from Chicago) when we travel over my kids’ summer break (mid-May to late July). Flights for our mid-March spring break and winter break are usually a bit cheaper though rarely under $1k. We got ~$800 roundtrip tix to Belgium for winter break, although it involved flying on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (we don’t celebrate so it was ideal for us). We used to fly to Europe all the time for $800 and now we consider it a huge steal. There’s definitely been a lot of inflation in the travel world.

    3. What city are you flying from/to? 10 minutes ago, I did a search on flights from the middle of the US (where I live) to Europe, the first week in November, and found flights for $700 to $900 to London and from $550 to $1000 for Paris. (Yes, $550!!) Granted, November isn’t a high tourist time, but it does mean that lower-priced flights can be available.

      1. She’s asking specifically about school breaks, which are always way more expensive. Early November is cheap because basically no kids have school vacation then.

    4. Yes, $2k can be what it costs depending on how many legs the journey is and how many flights to the destination there are. My magic source of cheaper flights is Aer Lingus or Icelandair since those countries subsidize their airlines in order to promote domestic tourism.

      1. +1 that IcelandAir is a good source of cheap flights to Europe, although it adds a stop (all their flights connect through Iceland) and with the recent volcanic eruptions the odds of a flight disruption are non-trivial. It’s worth it to me to pay a few hundred dollars more for direct flights but of course it depends on your financial situation and how much you value direct flights.

    5. It varies hugely depending on dates. School breaks make a huge difference as UK and EU schools are generally quite strict on attendance. Easter break is the week before Easter in many locations.

    6. I see Boston to Dublin for $362/person April 6-20 on Google Flights. I think you need to do a new broader search.

    7. 2k seems high. I feel it’s usually around 1,000-1,200. I paid 1,500 for flights to Italy last June and thought that was insanely high–and they did (annoyingly) drop again a few weeks after I bought mine. Also, if you live at all near another airport, search for multiple options. Sometimes the price difference is worth me driving 3 hours to the larger hub to fly direct from there instead of from my smaller regional airport 10 minutes away.

    8. If you are tied to peak times like Easter/Passover, it can be rough. My husband is a teacher, and our spring break is always Passover week, which is usually also Easter. It sucks. If you can be flexible on dates, you will find better fares. If you have a February break–President’s day week–like we do, that can be a cheaper time for fares to Europe, but not domestically or anywhere tropical.

    9. I think it’s a combo of popular time and how far out you’re planning. If you’re comfortable waiting, you may find they drop a fair bit.

      1. I agree with this, but also note if you buy the correct fare class, you can cancel for a full flight credit and rebook without penalty. Meaning airlines will also give you partial refunds by flight credit if the fare drops – just contact them. I just got $150pp back in flight credit for a upcoming trip because I kept my Google Flights fare alert going even after I booked.

        1. Yep, and this is (for me) a reason to book with one of the main US carriers, because I know I can use United or AA credit on a future trip but not necessarily airline credit from a European carrier.

    10. Are you leaving from/going to a small airport or only looking at direct flights? We often go to Paris for spring break and haven’t yet bought tickets, but when I just searched now we could go from DCA to CDG for $750 (if we’re willing to connect through BOS) or $1200 for direct IAD-CDG. That would be leaving on March 28 and flying back April 6 (aka over Easter/Passover)

  21. I just can’t with 2025. In one weekend:
    – a judge’s house got blown up
    – two girls got murdered for criticizing Kirk
    – Texas is threatening to send troops to Chicago when they still haven’t found all the bodies from the floods
    – ICE pepper sprayed Chicago police which seems like a further breakdown of law and order

    1. Wait til you hear about what happened on an average weekend in 1944! Or 1964! Or 2001!

      1. I had hoped that 80/60/20 years ago would have been times that we had moved on from.

        2. Human history is really really long, as is our collective bad behavior. I think you’re expecting too much of people.

      2. If you’re this familiar with history, I imagine you’re also familiar with signs that things are headed a bad way.

          2. 12:53 – Do you honestly think this is an ends-justifies-the-means scenario?

          4. I think some of you don’t have any direct relatives who have survived war, famine, etc., and it really shows. You getting overwhelmed by things helps absolutely nothing. Ovary up and make change.

          5. I think it’s the opposite… I have grandparents who survived the Holocaust. The “everything was ok in the end” takes are offensive and wildly off base because obviously for a lot of people it *wasn’t* ok.

        1. It’s more of a wordy way to say “your predecessors dealt with much worse with much less drama, so buck up and do something productive because whining on the internet ain’t it.”

          1. Exactly. We already know things are bad. Thanks for the reminder? Things have been worse and will probably be worse again.

          2. I agree with your sentiment, and think that is the correct approach to many things in life.

            However, the classic internet ‘whatabout’ take is so often used to bring unwanted conversation to a dead end. It’s a 50/50 split for me which to take away from this.

      5. Thank you, though. I do hate this meme of like “this year! These things weren’t on my bingo card!”

        I mean, we’ve been saying that since the internet made it popular and guess what, next year is like second verse, same as the first, could get better but it’s gonna get…

        1. It’s not the worldwide history version of the misery Olympics, and things can be objectively bad right now without being as bad as they once were. It’s tone deaf and mean to be dismissive of the fear and suffering that are occurring right now in a country that we thought was a democracy.

          1. I am not dismissing suffering (which this post doesn’t reflect). I am very happy to be dismissive of non-productive fear. You should be, too.

      3. Compared to other long periods in history, we’re infinitely better off. Compared to ten years ago, I would argue we’re mostly worse off.

    4. It sounds like the guy who mowed down the two girls had been harassing one of the girls for months. Charlie Kirk was mentioned but it seems like diffusion from what had been going on for a long time.

        1. Right, just a pot stirring comment. And it has nothing to do with the guy who killed the two girls using Charlie Kirk to divert from his stalking and harassment of one of is victims for several months.

      5. I’m sure you didn’t mean to imply that one I just murder somehow makes future ones okay?

    6. I saw the judge house thing over the weekend when it seemed to be just a fire. This is a concerning development.

          1. Confirmation takes time but it was reported that she recently received threats. Her husband is also a former democratic state legislator. He and their son were home, she was out walking the dog.

          2. I have not seen any confirmation of the cause. It is being investigated as possible arson because she had been receiving death threats over her rulings.

  22. Just curious – does anyone make themselves little snack packs to eat throughout the day? Our fridge is usually pretty full so trying to think about how to do this in a minimal way — what containers would be good? thinking like carrots + hummus or other veggie-heavy things

    1. Yes. Many, many people pack food to take with them.

      Just use whatever appropriately sized containers you have on hand, especially if one of your goals is minimalism.

    2. No, because then I’ll just obsess about the snack packs all day. I’d rather just eat lunch at one time and stop thinking about food until I leave for the day.

    3. Ha, yes, I bring a giant bag of food to work every day. I just have small tupperware for things like baby carrots and grapes.

    4. I don’t snack, but I bring my lunch. I don’t think anything special is necessary, but they do make bento box lunch boxes. maybe you’d enjoy that

    6. This blogger who I follow did a post on the after-school snacks that she packs for her kids in snack packs. I haven’t tried either the reusable packages or the snack ideas.

      https://www.pbfingers.com/after-school-snack-ideas/

      I also take a large bag of food to the office most days because I eat a lot. But if I just needed one snack per day in addition to my lunch, I’d look at something like this.

    7. I usually bring sliced apples, but otherwise plan on just eating meals with no snacks.

    8. I rely mostly on cheese sticks, Babybel, individual yogurt or cottage cheese cups, Clio yogurt bars, and individual packets of nuts or trail mix. For a bigger snack pack or “adult lunchable,” I will divide a container with silicone muffin cups. I like crudites with hummus or peanut butter or various dips from Trader Joe’s, tuna or salmon salad with crackers or crudites, cheese cubes, apples and grapes, nuts, and peeled hard-boiled eggs.

    9. I derive an inordinate amount of joy from adorably packaged snacks. Target has some divided containers by Ello in glass or plastic.

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