ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 348 Comments

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Sueded Pencil Midi Skirt

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A woman wearing a brown suede midi skirt with white knitted jacket and brown boots

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

How pretty is this faux suede skirt from J.Crew Factory? I think we’ve discussed leather skirts in the office quite a bit, but I’m not sure if there has been quite as lengthy a discussion about suede. I think a skirt like this one would be acceptable in all of the offices I’ve worked in, even the more formal ones, if it were styled appropriately.

For a super formal environment, I’d probably add a cream blouse and a houndstooth jacket. For something on the more casual side of business casual, I’d do a comfy sweater and some boots.

The skirt is $69.50 at J.Crew Factory and comes in sizes 00-24 and 00P-12P.

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  • Express – $29 dresses
  • J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
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348 Comments

  1. What are everyone’s thoughts on turtlenecks? I’ve never liked them for jowl/chin reasons but they seem to be coming back. Am I being silly?

    1. I agree with Elizabeth Holmes on this: a good one is like a hug. I maybe own 10 shirts and also 10 sweaters. When my neck is cold, I am so much colder.

    2. Was not aware that they went anywhere. I remember the original Mission Impossible TV series and have been on Team Turtleneck every winter since.

      1. They went nowhere. People confuse being on a mall mannequin with being “in style.”

    3. You will pry them from my cold, dead hands. I love them for warmth (am perpetually cold) and now, unfortunately, b/c they cover up a lot of wrinkly neck…

    5. Turtlenecks are about the only type of sweater I’ll wear, whether they’re trending or not. Liking them doesn’t make me silly, and disliking them doesn’t make you silly. We merely have preferences.

    6. I don’t mind the look of turtlenecks, but I can’t stand actually wearing them. They always make me feel like I’m being strangled.

        1. The problem with mocknecks is that they never fit right. They’re either too tight or too tall for me or too wide and stick out in a way I don’t like the look of and defeat the purpose of being warm. If it’s actually so cold that I need something around my neck, I’m more comfortable with something more adjustable, like a scarf or a zip up sweater/fleece/vest (and yes, I have definitely have sensory issues).

        2. Having a shirt end in the middle of my neck, so there is no long line of either skin or fabric, is probably my least favorite neckline. To me, mock necks are neither fish nor fowl.

          1. Fair. I hate that flesh line unless it’s a button up—necks and scoops have always been my nemesis.

      3. +1. Honestly, I’m pretty sure I would have been diagnosed with sensory issues if I had been born in the 2000s.

      4. Same, I can’t stand anything around my neck. Even necklaces I end up taking off halfway through the day.

        1. I can’t stand anything around my wrists, so I’m always rolling things up or scrunching.

    7. I love wearing them, and am also horrified whenever I see a photo of myself in one.

    10. Between hot flashes and a little claustrophobia, they are not for me. I love them on other people though.

    11. I love mock turtlenecks – best of both worlds. I wear my hair up whenever I have a higher neckline, collar, or neck scarf.

    12. Hate them. I’m big busted and they’re so unflattering on me. If I’m cold, I’ll wear a scarf.

    14. Love them on other people, hate them on me. I have broad shoulders, a large bust, and a short neck. Turtle necks and crew necks are unflattering on me. I need to break up the expanse of fabric and elongate my upper body.

      1. Yup. I have the opposite body form – narrow shoulders, small bust, and really long neck — and I like turtlenecks/ crew neck tops/ short necklaces to shorten my upper body.

      2. I think torso and face shapes and sizes will dictate whether you look good in turtlenecks, which is separate from whether you like wearing them.

        I have a short torso, small bust, long neck, and thin face. They look great on me, and I own them in several sleeve lengths, including sleeveless. They’re not universally flattering

    15. I love them and so does my husband. Also pro tip if you don’t love the traditional look: A friend who is a fashion stylist suggested folding the turtleneck part inside inside of outside for a more modern look.

        1. When you fold the turtleneck, fold the top inside, toward your neck, rather than outside, away from you. This is a sleeker look. It also allows you to just fold down part of the excess and sort of ruche the turtleneck.

    16. Don’t mind the look on others, unless it’s the «pretentious male intellectual» look, which I find ludicrous.

      Hate wearing them.

    17. I like them and invested in some Theory turtlenecks several years ago. Then I wore the white one and a coworker said that when she spotted me coming down the hallway, she thought I was wearing a neck brace and got concerned I had been in an accident. I don’t wear white turtlenecks anymore.

    18. They look better on some people than others, just like everything else. Alternatively, some turtleneck styles look better on me than others – mock neck is good, closely fitted is not flattering.
      I prefer a scarf for warmth, but even there some are better than others. It all depends. A thin, long scarf is not great on me, but a blanket scarf is overwhelming. Both can look fabulous on other bodies. It is finding the Goldilocks style for each of us.
      Which is what makes personal style fun, i think. I never write anything off until I’ve tried it on.

  2. Not me reading that as a studded skirt and looking for the offending studs. Time for coffee!

  3. i had this skirt from banana republic in about 2004. wore it with saddle colored knee boots and a black turtle neck and big hoops. loved it.

    1. If I were going into an office, would love this skirt with a chunky sweater and boots!

  4. Re: the federal workers being forced to work and whether that is “slavery,” this question has been asked in other shutdowns, especially with relation to the prohibition on federal employees going on strike. If federal employees affected by this shutdown could be legally punished for not going to work (since it could be interpreted as going on strike), then there is a strong argument that they are being coerced, rather than simply “pressured” due to their economic hardship (which typically isn’t considered coercive alone). There was at least one 13th Amendment lawsuit brought by federal workers in the 2019 shutdown, but I’m unsure what happened with it since the shutdown did end. Maybe someone else knows and can chime in.

    1. Oh my god, you are, by definition, not a slave if you can quit. And you can in fact quit.

      You seriously lack global and historical perspective if you’re trying to make that argument. This does not need another day of debate. Stop trying to make “slave” happen; you aren’t one.

          1. So you’re arguing that it’s a truly reasonable choice – that they should just quit on day one of the shutdown and enter economic hardship? You know that one missed paycheck puts many people on the street, right?

          2. Not the person you’re responding to, Anon, but you’re missing the point. It’s not about whether it’s a reasonable choice. It’s about the existence of a choice at all.

            Slaves do not have an option to quit. Escaped slaves were hunted down and killed in gruesome ways. It is offensive to compare a white collar job to that.

          3. Exactly. You have agency. Not wanting to exercise that agency, even for very understandable reasons, is not at all the same as not having it at all.

          4. I know it can come across as offensive to use the word slavery for other forms of slavery than chattel slavery, but the offended person yesterday who talked about the prevalence of slavery in the modern world was using numbers that don’t exclusively describe people bought and sold in markets, kept in captivity, and hunted down and killed if they try to escape either.

          5. Right. But the numbers also don’t describe an FDA employee who misses a paycheck, either. No one would seriously include that in the definition of slavery.

    2. IDK and in the real news department, the Supreme Court oral arguments are up in the tariff case and reason seems to be prevailing on this.

      Cancelling my weekend plane trip and getting ready to drive to a funeral that is far away.

      Is this really all over Obamacare subsidies expiring? The people I know complaining about them the loudest have a beach house. I do not. If Obamacare is not sustainable, the answer isn’t to shut down the government to fund a math error but to let us keep going and try again to fix health care (maybe trimming this fat would help a bit?). But my ire could not be higher at this point.

      1. I think people forget that the ACA was not just about affording health insurance. It was about letting kids stay on their parent’s insurance until they are 26. About not letting insurance companies charge more to cover women because being female is a “preexisting condition,” and about making sure that insurance covers pregnancy at all (even if poorly). The ACA has rules against recission, which means that if you faithfully pay your premiums, and you come down with cancer, your health insurance company can’t deny payment because you were treated for acne in your 20s and thus have one of those disqualifying preexisting conditions. It means health insurance has to cover preventive care like mammograms and colonoscopies.

        This particular fight may be just about the subsidies, but if those go away, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a lot of the above on the chopping block as well.

        1. This. So much this. And if those subsidies go away, you’re going to have a ton more uninsured, which means healthcare providers see more bad debt and cost shifting goes to the private market. So even folks with those beach houses and employer plans see cost hikes.

        2. But the current shutdown fight isn’t the repeal-ACA fight – it’s about an increased premium subsidy, that was passed in the covid era with a specific expiration date. I personally benefit from those subsidies and I’ll probably go without insurance without them but I can also see how they are fundamentally an insurance company subsidy – the insurance companies aren’t providing a service people want at a price people are able and willing to pay. In any other industry, those companies should go bankrupt, and make room for *someone* to do something better. For obvious social reasons (good ones, like, stop people dying), we don’t want to allow that massive shakeup of healthcare as an industry. So we’re solving it by essentially giving the health insurance companies more and more money – and as long as that continues, there’s little-to-no market incentive for them to actually play hardball with hospitals, drug companies, etc to control costs (there’s actually a negative incentive, since the ACA caps insurance profits as a % of premiums, which is more $’s when premiums go up). It’s fundamentally unsustainable.

          What I would like to see is that congress had gotten its act together, actively negotiated changes to the ACA to address its problems, and done all this BEFORE the subsidies expired. Since that didn’t happen, extend the subsidies for a year to avoid the worst of the instability, and USE THAT TIME to fix it. Of course they won’t do that when spending the year in partisan bickering instead is an option, but it’s fair to acknowledge that ACA has delivered pretty well on making insurance available; but has not delivered on making actual health care actually affordable. Time to try something else.

          1. Like axing for-profit insurers altogether! Only reason ACA kept them was as a jobs program. Imagine wasting your one life on earth needlessly standing between people and their meds just so you can earn a paycheck.

          2. It is extraordinarily naïve to think that it is possible to “use that time” to fix the issues with our health insurance system. Were you an adult paying attention to this issue in the pre-Obamacare era? Even if our representatives made a good faith effort to do so, this is not a problem that is getting resolved in a year. And, agreeing to extend subsidies so that people don’t lose health insurance and good faith efforts to solve underlying problems are not mutually exclusive.

            “What I would like to see is that congress had gotten its act together, actively negotiated changes to the ACA to address its problems, and done all this BEFORE the subsidies expired.”

            That you seem to think this was actually any kind of possibility is really telling. I urge you to educate yourself on the long history of the ACA and efforts to fix the issues in our healthcare system.

          3. This is very tone deaf. You understand that if people drop out of the ACA marketplace and go uninsured, that creates more stress on the commercial and government insurance systems which drives up costs for EVERYONE? Insurance is all about cost shifting. The more MEdicaid patients you have, the more you have to charge commercial insurance. If people drop out of the exchanges, insurance costs go up for working people. By the way, the reason why commercial insurance rates keep going up is not because insurers are not “good” at negotiating with hospitals, it’s because they are FOR PROFIT entities that earn profits to benefit their shareholders. If United Healthcare was not committed to making billions of dollars annually for their shareholders, you can bet they would have money to pay hospitals and doctors. Jeez Louise. Source: worked in healthcare my entire professional career and I don’t think Obamacare is the problem.

          4. I’m not naive, stupid or uninformed. But I’m looking at the premiums for next year, and the price they want to charge for the product they’re providing is just not worth it. I qualify for subsidies (if they get reinstated) but just because someone else is paying for it doesn’t make the price reasonable.

      2. i really hope the democrats do not cave. though in a very first world problem, we will be in the DC area for Thanksgiving and have tickets to go up the Washington monument and if it still isn’t open this will be the third time we’ve had tickets and not been able to get up within the past year and my kids will be crushed…but they will live as again, a very first world problem. though witnessing 7 year olds getting excited about taking pictures with the washington monument and eleanor roosevelt’s china, was pretty great

        1. There is a hotel on… I think 15th and Pennsylvania, just to the east of the White House. They have a rooftop bar/restaurant and you can get some spectacular views of DC up there. And you can just go up and have a look, I don’t think you actually need to have a whole meal. Or you could just get some snacks.

          It’s really a nice view, you look right down on the White House. Although I guess right now you’d be looking at the destruction of the East Wing.

      3. How is the Supreme Court even hearing arguments? Are their clerks working and I guess court security and AV and IT staff, along with the solicitor general?

        1. Court staff are still working, but not being paid. Judges get paid (just like Congresspeople, etc.).

    3. Being stuck on definitions isn’t a good look. Go help at a food bank or something.

      1. Honestly. I can’t believe we’re having round 2 of this. Word choice is something to police in yourself and your children, but it’s a waste of breath on a message board with your presumed allies.

        1. The reason we’re having round two is because this person really wants the stolen valor of the title of slave, which is gross.

          2. What other reason could there be for insisting on this for two days straight? Maximalist victimhood.

          3. a much more likely reason is that someone used an incredibly ignorant hyperbole and then when called on it, dug in their heels.

          4. Agree w anonshmanon. Someone used ignorant language and instead of the commenters understanding the point she was trying to make AND MOVING ON, piled on in an eye-roll inducing moral outrage, which as we should have learned over the past decade, convinces no one to change their ways.

            People are allowed to use clumsy language to make a point–it diminishes their point, but it certainly doesn’t call for this, or accusations of “stolen valor”–so obnoxious.

          5. Yeah, the stolen valor comment reveals more about that poster’s motivations than anything – I suspect a little performative white guilt is coming into play. It doesn’t matter, though. What matters is that thousands of federal employees are in an increasingly dire situation.

          6. The person who made the dumb comment (or someone who was defending it) started this thread doubling down on it. They’re going to get told it’s a dumb comment again. That’s the thing about dumb comments: they tend to stay dumb no matter how many times you say them.

    4. I’m also wondering how this will play out with the physicians in Quebec (who if I understand are being threatened with fines if they quit).

    5. I agree with others that this is certainly not equivalent to slavery.

      That said, it is disingenuous for people to pretend that it’s a realistic option for workers in this position to just quit and find another job, as though that wouldn’t cause massive disruption to their ability to care for themselves and their families. That view is terribly reductive and comes from a place of incredible privilege, at best. It shows they have a massive disdain and disregard for others to flippantly pretend they can just find something else, or that they somehow deserve to suffer more because the system is already causing them to suffer.

      1. People are expressing disdain because calling this slavery is ridiculously self absorbed. It’s like calling getting catcalled rape. It’s still bad to get catcalled, but it is not rape.

        1. And there are a lot of powerful interests in preventing people from seeing how these things are on a spectrum (in both cases).

        2. I’m not referring to the disdain at calling this slavery, I’m referring to the disdain dripping from the “they can just quit” comments.

      2. Agree. It’s one poster with an ax to grind but still. She’d almost certainly tell a farm worker without legal status that he can “choose” to quit if his employer exploits him and withholds wages for being slow to start one day. She has no nuance to the realities of modern exploitation.

          1. I don’t understand your position. Are you arguing in favor of people working without pay as their bills mount up and their risk of eviction rises. Maybe you can explain because you’re making less than zero sense.

          2. It’s not exploitation to be required to work without pay or face consequences? (Do we WANT all the air traffic controllers to just quit and get other jobs?)

        2. If it’s the same commenter (and I’m sure it is) who also is mad at her co-workers for not talking about politically loaded subjects in a consistent way, there is no nuance in her at all.

        3. I would not, because he actually has a meaningful threat against him. You don’t.

          If Trump threatens to arrest anyone who quits (not doesn’t show up; quits), I will agree with you.

          1. Striking as a federal employee will get you arrested. I don’t know why this is so hard for you to grasp.

          2. I’m not talking about striking. You have the option to quit. Take it or don’t, but you are not a slave.

          3. As others have repeatedly pointed out to you, you don’t just have the option to quit. You might be military with a service obligation. It might be interpreted as striking, which gets you arrested. You will not get your backpay. CNN has reported that even taking a sick while furloughed could be construed as “going AWOL” with resulting consequences. Obviously you’re determined not to meaningfully respond to any of that but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist.

          4. Under your definition, it sounds like you think every person who has ever been drafted to serve in a war was a slave? That’s certainly one way to think about it.

    6. We asked this question in 2018-19 with regard to Coast Guard members who had to work without pay. They were not paid like other military members, because they fall under DHS. However, they are also subject to the Uniformed Code of Military Justice (like other military branches of service) so they cannot just quit.

      1. What ended up happening? The required military service angle is yet another component.

        1. The shut down ended and they received back-pay. The ones I worked with had enough in savings to survive without a few paychecks (and without destroying their credit), but they weren’t happy about having to come to work (sometimes long hours) without pay.

      1. For the same reason that people think it’s duress whenever they’re faced with unpleasant choices. You would think a discussion board for lawyers would not have this issue.

    8. I feel terrible for federal employees who are working with delayed pay.

      If you don’t like the terms of your employment you can simply go find another job and leave. By definition, none of this work without pay is slavery.

  5. Just venting into the FBMP wind:

    Ma’am, just because you found that table in the attic of a 167-year-old house does not mean it too is 167 years old. See here on the underside of the table, where it has metal gears to open the table for leaves? Means 1930s or later. And ya SEE THE SPRAY PAINTED MODEL NUMBER on the underside that you took a picture of? Late 1960s or later.

    So no, this is not “very, very old!!!!!” And no, this is not “a sleeper and a keeper.” It is a crusty 50 year old table from your attic that’s worth at most $50. Please, just use a couple clues to think about machinery as it developed over time, and you’ll realize they didn’t have spray paint in 1858.

    1. Ugh. Vague venting. Just why is it so important to share your angst and bring everyone down with you?

        1. lol right? So many people here need to learn to collapse thread or not be parasocially codependent in their emotions.

    2. Hmmm. Are you an appraiser or a buyer for a store? If so, then I guess your specialized knowledge of these things is your job security, right?

    3. Confusing, but sure! Rock on with your frustrated self!

      Next time, try what I do: open a note or blank email on your phone/laptop. Do not add a recipient. Type all of this out. Read it to yourself. Save it for a day! Delete it. You need to process, which is important, but I do not know how we can help you with something so niche.

      1. You all need to relax. She’s allowed to post any dumb vent that she wants and you can just scroll on by if it bugs you. If it’s related to clearing out a relative’s home after a death, that’s a fraught time with a lot of little issues that pop up between people who want to keep everything and people who don’t.

        1. it actually seems kind of helpful, like a way to process real feelings behind vents.

    5. not the OP but another random vent about FB: i love these women in my groups for cut flowers where they’re like “introducing my new flower farm starting 2026! what are the easiest flowers to grow for newbies?” and then take a picture of like 20 raised beds that they or their husband have put together and filled with a metric tonne of dirt. you didn’t think to try your hand at zinnias and cosmos for a year or two before you went ALL IN on a flower farm?

      oh and the people who are like “this is my first year but i’m going to be selling my dahlia tubers! $50 each” and 90% of the ones in the picture aren’t even viable.

    6. Did this lady scam you into buying this table or something? I cannot figure out how this impacts your life. I cannot figure out why this merits a vent. Someone posting something incorrect on the internet about a piece of furniture is really not that big of a deal.

    7. As someone who is also very into antiques I sympathize. So many incorrect postings, people have no idea about anything I can not bother to read labels, don’t even get my started on people’s inability to use a measuring tape.

      1. But this can also be to your advantage as a buyer: I get some things for a steal because the person posting it doesn’t know it’s worth much more (or just wants to get rid of it)!

        1. Also no antiques expert, but I am on FBMP a lot, and it NEVER works this way. No one ever wants too little for their stuff.

    8. She should team up with the person on my Buy Nothing group who is constantly posting dirty, worn out, half-broken children’s shoes because they “have a little bit of life left in them.” No. Just no. Throw them away.

  6. Going to a black tie optional event this weekend. Have a fabulous dark green dress, but it’s got a fairly high slit up to mid thigh. Is this something you wear dark tights with? Or just show off the leg? Late 30s professional, east coast city.

    1. Please take me with a grain of salt; I don’t attend black tie events.

      Normally I dislike sheer black tights, but if you are concerned it might be too much leg this seems like the setting for them.

      1. You can totally show off your leg in a dress like this. If you feel uncomfortable with the slit, there are a lot of sheer patterned tights available that would be festive or whimsical. Fishnets seem to be back, and I saw some really fun nude fishnets with little jewels scattered across the pattern recently.

    4. I think anything is fine so long as you are confident and comfortable.

      Some things I personally consider is coverage of the rest of the dress and how tight. If there’s a high slit or a mid-thigh hem, I like the neckline to be high. Lower neckline = knee-length or lower hem without a high slit. Body-con dress = I don’t show off skin. I wouldn’t wear opaque dark tights at a black tie optional event, but dark sheer stockings may work.

      Have so much fun at your event!

    5. Show off the leg or go with sheer black tights. Opaque black tights would look odd IMO.

  7. Any Morton’s Neuroma people out there? My foot is miserable — I think this has arisen from having high arches and a broken little toe that caused that foot to widen. I’ve had cortisone shots here and there but it’s hard to find a work shoe or even a leisure shoe or sneaker that buffers the pain when it surfaces. Long-term, what has worked for you? I wish at times that I had lost the toes — they wouldn’t be here to bother me now.

    1. I had this and was starting to go down the path of getting cortisone injections to see if that removed the pain… then the pandemic happened and 6 months WFH in sneakers and house crocs cured it completely.
      I have only worn heels or narrow loafers for a few special occasions since and it hasn’t come back.

      1. Same, exactly. It completely went away in the pandemic, and since then I have been religious about only wearing heels for VERY special occasions and there’s been no recurrence.

    2. I have this condition. The solution for me has been shoes with wider toe boxes, low-to-no heels, and arch support. Brands that work for me are Blundstones, Converse, Ecco, Keen, and some Fluevogs.

      1. Topo sneakers may be worth considering too (“foot shaped” shoe), with a good superfeet arch support insole.

        1. +1 Topo’s have been great for my Tailor’s bunion. I walked the Camino in these.

    3. Yes, me! I tried orthotics, metatarsal pads, cortisone injection, PT, sclerosing alcohol injections (0/10 do not recommend- very painful series of seven shots into the nerve that did absolutely nothing).
      Then I caved and had surgery to remove the nerve. My surgeon said it was so large it just popped up when he made the incision. I woke up from surgery feeling like angels were singing – seriously, my foot had been so painful for so many years and now the pain was gone. Recovery was no big deal. Two weeks in a boot, and four weeks after my surgery I walked 6 miles around Paris, completely pain free.
      I was so hesitant to have the surgery as I had read about difficult recoveries online. Now I wish I had it sooner. One year later and still pain free, aside from the occasional phantom twinge from what’s left of the nerve.
      I still have to be a bit mindful of the shoes I wear (I think the neuroma was caused by many years in ballet flats) but overall I’m so happy to be rid of the pain.

      1. Also adding: do you wear Hokas? I wore Hokas every day for years (they are so comfortable) and my PT’s opinion is that Hokas can actually cause or exacerbate Morton’s neuroma. The toes are a bit turned up which can put strain on the underside of the toes over time, and cause nerve inflammation. He had me try Altras which my feet hated, and now post-surgery I’m in wide toe box Vionics.

      2. Are you worried about potential injury where there’s no nerve? I mean, how will you know if you’re hurt, like a broken toe or bad cut? That’s what has been keeping me from getting the nerves cut. I wear the right shoes, yet the pain…

        1. Not really. I still have feeling in my toes. The nerve that is gone was between the second and third toe. I would definitely still feel a broken toe or bad cut.

          The nerve they removed was so swollen and inflamed, the surgeon brought it to me in a jar after so I could take a picture, ha.

          1. Also, if you’re considering surgery, make sure you have a surgeon who has a plan to mitigate the risk of “stump neuroma” (when the pain continues from the nerve endings even when the nerve has been removed). My surgeon buried what’s left of the nerve into muscle tissue, which in his view limits the risk of stump neuroma. I think the main complaints I’ve heard around the surgery are long recovery (was not the case for me) and stump neuroma.

            I have a budding neuroma in the other foot, and as soon as it starts bothering me daily, that bad boy is coming out. No waiting and trying conservative methods this time. I missed years of fun activities due to the intense pain of my first neuroma.

          2. I have the condition in both feet, and it’s pretty hard to live with. I’m just afraid of the loss of feeling. I’ll try to get more feedback from others.

    4. Look for insoles with “metatarsal” support. They feel weird at first, but you get used to a little extra support going out towards your toes, and it helps keep the pressure off.

      I find that the worst pain comes from lace-up shoes that are too tight. The lacing compresses my foot and it hurts. So for me, a pair of Birkenstock booties with an orthotic but non-cushy sole is more comfortable for all day wear than squishy-soled sneakers. And when exercising I have to be very careful not to lace my sneakers up too tight on the top of my foot. For dress shoes, a thin insole with the aforementioned metatarsal support works great. I just don’t wear heels above 1.5 inches at all.

  8. I love this skirt, it’s nice to see pencil skirts coming back. I could use some advice for finding a just below the knee pencil skirt that doesn’t need alterations (including hemming). I’m short and recently postpartum, so my waist is kind of all over the place. My office is business casual. Thanks!

    1. A stretch fabric would be your friend during the postpartum transition (think sweater skirt type)

    2. IME all pencil skirts need alterations or they look dumpy. They need to fit perfectly around the hips and waist, they need to be the perfect length, and they always need to be tapered in at the bottom.

      1. +1

        I actually laughed when I read the OPs post. You are asking for the most fitted skimming skirt style out there, ending just below the knee, noting you are short, post-partum, and need a flexible waist. Not possible. Alterations my dear

  9. The towels question yesterday made me realize I am using as hair towels the set my grandmother got for her wedding – they must be 75 years old! They are such a great size (towel sets these days seem to come with a large bath towel and a hand towel, and I like an in-between size for my hair), and they don’t have the musty smell that my other towels seem to get. They honestly look nearly new even after seven decades of semi-regular use – I believe they were my grandparents’ nice guest towels, so weren’t used daily for all that time, but definitely since I’ve had them. They don’t make things like they used to! But also, towels can really stand up to a lot.

    1. Memory unlocked! I have one washcloth that came home with me from my grandma’s house after one holiday stay a few years ago. It is cotton, thick, plush, soft, and still looks brand new in spite of seeing regular use. I know it came from a set that is far older than me and have vivid memories of fighting with my cousins over who got which color when we all spent the summers at her house as kids.

      1. My grandmother had a set of towels in multiple colors. I loved getting to choose which color I wanted to use during my stay.

    3. My 20 year old university towels that I bought on sale for $10 a piece at Zellers are still going strong and have outlasted many more expensive towels (looking at everything bought from pottery barn and target).

      1. Similarly – My college towels died long ago, but my 40yo college twin be topsheet is still with me, and used for guests sometimes, for picnics others. It’s still in great condition!

    4. My great-grandmother sewed and appliqued a hooded mouse towel for my cousin when he was born, and I’m now using it for my son. According to my aunt, all the other moms were jealous when they saw it at the pool, because a hooded towel like that wasn’t something you could find in a store at that point. I love that my little guy has something made by his great-great-grandmother.

    5. As long as you don’t put towels in the dryer, they should last forever (or pretty much anything in the dryer).

  11. What jeans are you wearing this autumn? Links or official titles most appreciated.

    1. Reitmans wide-legs in grey and black: love that they are 100% cotton. Also men’s Lois brand dark denim straight leg jeans.

          2. Well, like the OP, I need to buy jeans now and want to know what people are buying and wearing now. Your posts are still not helpful.

      1. I like these. What is your body shape? I’m a tall pear, and have trouble with all pants.

        1. Pear but I’m average height. If you like the style but not cropped, I think they have a full length version too.

        2. I love my Good American palazzo jeans. I got them normal (not cropped) and they were very long on me (average 5’6″) so I had them hemmed.

    7. Express flares, sorrynotsorry. They’ve served me well since 2000, across a range of 8 sizes, why change now?

    8. LL Bean True Shape High Rise Wide Leg Jeans. Heavier material. Drape well. Legs aren’t crazy wide.

  12. Does anyone own a Kia EV9 and want to tell me how you feel about it? I currently lease a hybrid and want to go full EV on my next car, which I’ll need sometime in December or January. I’m looking for a family hauler (we have three kids and two dogs) so pickings are slim. I also test drove a Rivian R1S — slick car, but way more money for features I don’t need (i.e. offroading). The internet loves the EV9 and is much more divided on the Rivian, but I’m a bit wary of a Kia. Would love thoughts from real-world users.

    1. We have the VW ID4 and really like it. So do many of our neighbors. I really don’t see that many EV9s on the road.

    2. the pickings are slim comment is surprising. I’ve been looking for a compact EV and I feel huge cars is all you can find now.

      1. I feel like giant haulers are all hybrids (plenty of minivans and Toyota products). Mid-sized is what I see for EVs.

        1. Yep, this. 7+ seats and real cargo space are tough to find in a full EV. Much easier in a hybrid!

    4. We have one and love it! Highly recommend for exactly what you are looking for. My husband did a lot of research before we got one and from what I understand the EV9 has one of the best ranges of EVs on the market. We mainly do city driving and charge maybe once a week

    5. Just get a minivan, LOL. We had one, then went to large SUV. After renting a minivan on vacation, we go another minivan. They are just so convenient and roomy. They are great. We remove one of the bucket seats for the dog and a cooler. We just got rid of it after 13 years.

  13. If your company uses MS Teams (well) do you have any suggestions for how you made decisions about how to collaborate / norms and trained people? We have all these different tools and training on what buttons to click but no guidance on when to use Teams, when to use OneDrive, how to set up a good Team etc and it is driving everyone crazy. I’m coming from an environment where this was all just in place and I’m trying to figure out where to start. And, yes, this is an appropriate part of my job and I’m empowered to put this in place. Would love any advice or resources!

    1. Set up channels for different teams to chat and share files. Set up shared calendars for events or for planned PTO.

    2. OneDrive is for stuff that the company doesn’t need to keep if you win the lotto or get hit by a bus.

      Teams is for everything else.

    3. Is the office moving to Teams from something-else-similar, or is this a digitize-and-standardize things that previously were all email attachments and phone calls?

    5. Teams is a terrible collaboration tool. The only thing I’ve ever found it useful for was to create a kanban board when we didn’t have another project management tool available.

    6. Reach out to your software vendor. Microsoft has tons of guidance available for this sort of thing and they want me to use it (well).

  14. Reposting from late yesterday; appreciate any input.

    I am 41, spouse is 45. We’ve been together for almost 20 years and have two teenagers. My spouse’s father had cancer and died last spring, and he has also been dealing with medical challenges that have been him unable to exercise the way he used to and caused difficulty sleeping.

    Hard to keep track of, but I’d say about a year ago he began to experience ED challenges. Got a prescription for V*agra, but all that means is s*x lasts two minutes. He feels upset and embarrassed about it, and says that he doesn’t really have a s*x drive anymore. His testosterone levels were checked and are normal.

    Our s*x life has just become to the best it have ever been prior to this starting. No concerns about cheating. Is this just how it is and time to shift to cuddling or other forms of s*x? It just almost feels like a death of some type and hitting home that we are aging.

    1. In my experience, in our strained healthcare systems, the adequacy of medical care can vary widely. I’m not sure what medical challenges he is dealing with that are obstructing sleep and exercise, but I would approach this as another medical symptom and a potential sign that those medical challenges aren’t being adequately addressed yet, and make sure his medical team is really on top of things. If they are, maybe something integrative like acupuncture or functional MD consult or even just a physician approved multivitamin with a view towards supporting his general well being. Without further context, I’m hoping this is a phase that will end when his health is in a better place.

    2. Does it last two meets because he finishes fast or because he loses the e? If it’s the latter, he might just need a higher dose. I wouldn’t give up hope yet. Stress takes a big toll on men. We’re conditioned to think they should get off easily and want it all the time, but that’s not reality. They are affected by life factors too. I read a book about ED with my partner written by PhDs (can’t remember the title now) when he had issues and it was helpful for both of us.

    3. I’d be worried about underlying health issues. Has your spouse had a cardiac workup, if these issues are relatively new?

      1. This is actually a very good suggestion. He is at the age where these things can start to reveal themselves, and it’s not always in the way you’d imagine.

        1. I’m the Anon poster above, and just to add: before I met my partner, I dated someone for a while who had this issue pop up around the same age (early-mid 40s) and it ended up being that he had (mild) cardiac issues that ended up being treatable because he got a full workup early.

          If a vasodilator works (and it seems like it does, at least partially), I’d be hounding him to ask his MD/urologist to refer for a workup that isn’t just a CBC/testosterone check.

          I’m not at all trying to make light of the effects that this has on both partners on an emotional/connection level, either. I’d just want to make sure his physical health was truly squared away. Bodies do wild things, and while I don’t think this should be an area where any person should feel shame in talking to their doctor, I realize that is how it often plays out and he may need a push to make sure they don’t brush it off as “aging.”

    4. Has he actually seen a urologist – not just his primary care doctor? Ideally a urologist that specializes in this issue.

      Also, could he be depressed? Recent loss of father / his own medical problems / not exercising the way he wants. And sleep problems could be reflecting mood issues, that the exercising helped to mask/treat previously.

      And agree that if he has other medical things going on, I would wonder whether other medical issues are contributing to this too.

      1. I was wondering if he’d gone on antidepressants, since this can certainly be a side effect.

  15. After years of WFH, I’m commuting back into the city in Chicago starting in January. I need some everyday boots I can wear with most work trousers in a somewhat formal office (i.e. blazers and no jeans kind of office). I haven’t updated since wearing almond toe booties. Any links to favorite black leather ankle boots under $300 you recommend? Weatherproof or waterproof would be awesome.

    2. Nordstrom Rack for Aquitalia or LaCanadienne. Solid classics that are weatherproof and often waterproof and will last.

      1. I agree with Aquitalia and LaCanadiennes. Start looking online, and wait to purchase until the Black Friday sales start to get the best deals. I am in Chicago and have several booties from these companies that are black or wine colored waterproof leather or suede. Almond toes are just fine. They will last many years if you take care of them and this is Chicago so don’t bother buying some trendy square toe that will look dated in one year. Buy a classic style.

    3. I think it’s hard in chicago to commute in anything that you then want to wear in a nice office. I wear jcrew Stevie booties a lot but they can get a little trashed on the street. I also have Cole Haan Zero grand city wedge and also Hampshire booties.

    4. As a Chicagoan I like Blondo booties. But regardless of the brand your commute will be hard on shoes. Wipe any salt off with a damp paper towel as soon as you get to your office or home. If you take the L assume your heels will get scuffed when you walk down the staircase. I’ve had a cobbler replace the heels if the rest of the shoe is in good condition.

    5. Blondos are waterproof, very comfortable and great for commuting. Recommend. Also not as pricy as Aquatalia.

  16. what’s an item of clothing or clothing adjacent (bag, jewelery) that can be bought at a mall store or department store in the $100-$200 range that would appeal to a reasonably conventionally styled middle aged, middle sized woman? Items in the past: cashmere sweater, a scuba lululemon sweater shirt, an mz wallace bag…. this isn’t a riddle i’m looking for something to send to a friend for her birthday. a little uninspired this year.

        2. I wouldn’t write them off entirely by age range, but people tend to either be Scarf People or Not and if your friend is a Not, the odds that you choose the one magical scarf that will change her into a Scarf Person are very low.

          1. This exactly. I’m not a scarf person, no matter how beautiful – I’d be more likely to frame a gorgeous scarf than wear one. We all know which of our friends are and which aren’t.

        3. I’m way under 50, have three in regular rotation and am actively looking for more. If you have any gathering dust I’d love to connect!

        4. I’m late 40s and agree. This is know your friend’s style kind of thing. It’s also why clothing gifts are hard unless you know something the person has on their list already.

    2. A wallet? Says the woman in dire need of a new one. A scarf? Eyeshadow palette? Perfume coffret?

    3. Longchamp le pliage has some nice options in new colorways. I bought the brown on brown recently and thought it looked like a sleeker version of the totes.

    5. I am a reasonably conventionally styled middle aged, middle sized woman. I bought myself $100+ of Bombas socks last Christmas and have no regrets.

      1. Good idea! I love Bombas socks but the price always makes me pause. I’d love to receive some as a gift.

        1. I fit the demographic and was about to say that I would prefer just a card or call with well wishes and no gift. However, socks are something that always wear out and expensive socks are a nice gift.

      3. Nice socks are a good idea, but I find that Bombas fit poorly and get holes quickly. Try Le Bon Shoppe, available at some mall stores (e.g., Evereve).

      4. I do not understand the love for these socks. Worst I’ve ever tried. Treat yourself to Lululemon instead.

        1. Agreed. I also do not think socks are a great gift for a friend, but it sounds like I am in the minority on that one.

    8. Eberjay PJs or the J crew dupe, cashmere gloves, a cashmere wrap, voluspa candle advent calendar.

    9. If she’s not allergic to cashmere, a pair of cashmere-lined leather gloves. Not the touch screen kind, because those are cheap-looking and don’t really work anyway.

    10. I think I fit your demographic- I’m 42.

      I’d like winter gloves or a hat (or both), a throw*, indulgent consumable (my top pic right now is coffee), or something related to a recent hobby. For me, I run a lot and just got a dog, and my whole family skis. I have a reflective vest and light up collar on my Christmas list. I am also always up for a fun ski sweater for apres, nice ski socks, a new gaiter or trendy neck warmer, etc.

      I have several and being gifted one would allow me to donate one of the older ones in my rotation. I would never replace it otherwise!

    3. R+Co Dart stick. One stick lasts forever. In a pinch, a tiny touch of Vaseline on your fingers to stick hair back down.

  18. I’m looking to purchase the Lo & Sons Rowledge backpack but I need to decide between the original and Rowledge 2. I don’t think I would ever use the backpack to carry shoes. Does anyone have personal experience with both (or either)?

    1. I have the original in the large size. Definitely get the large size if you carry anything at all other than a laptop. I would go for the model with the shoe compartment even if you don’t carry shoes. In the original model it’s hard to get to shorter items that fall to the bottom of the main compartment. If I had the shoe compartment I’d put my headphones, charger case, etc. there for easier access and only use the main compartment for folders and notebooks.

    2. My recommendation is buy a Tumi instead – the price is comparable. My Rowledge looks very beat up after daily use, and my colleagues Tumis have been around for ages.

      2. I agree that the Rowledge gets beat up very quickly. The first thing to get messed up is the padding inside the straps.

    3. I bought one 2 years ago and love it. I can’t remember which one I have or what the difference between the two is? But it had the shoe compartment, which I never use for shoes and just use for random other things. It is very comfortable and I like all the pockets/storage options. I bought it during the Thanksgiving week sales. Still looks new, easy to clean.

    4. I had both. I LOVE the new one (the 2) with the “shoe” pocket in front, but I use it for all my cords and tech items.

      I got the original maybe 5 years ago (I think they only had one size then?); it lasted until about a month ago. It was great and I will probably get it fixed, as it’s just the strap that needs to be sewn back on and I’ll still find a use for it, but in the meantime I needed a replacement until I get around to getting it repaired. I went for the Rowledge 2 and am surprised by how much I love that minor update. I’ve used it on a few trips in the last month and am very pleased.

    5. I have a black nylon samsonite backpack that’s a dupe that’s cheaper than all of these and has held up super-well. Highly recommend, and save yourself some $$.

  19. Recommendations for work appropriate shoes for someone with plantar fasciitis + foot pain when standing several hours? “Fashion sneakers” are ok but tennis shoes (Hokas, Brooks, etc) aren’t. I have inserts for arch support that aren’t cutting it anymore. Do I need a lot of padding to help with the fatigue of standing?

    1. I think any shoe that has structure and fits your foot is comfortable. there are no shortage of fashion sneakers and fit really depends on your foot. i don’t find sambas comfy or dolce vita even though i have other shoes by them i like. i have a pair of sam edelmans that work. Also might suggest a proper loafer. I know people who swear by paul greens.

    3. Vionic makes work appropriate shoes with arch support.

      Consider whether a chair might be an easier accommodation than Hokas.

      1. I feel like Vionics have changed. I used to have good luck with them pre-covid, but I’ve tried a few sandals since then that I returned. They seemed really stiff, like the entire sole had no bend.

    4. Arch support is the most important factor to me and sometimes too much padding is actually bad (need a stability shoe). Have you tried vionics? The uptown loafer has gotten me through a bunch of conferences where I do a lot of standing.

    5. Different rec, but it’s possible just new inserts would help – especially the foam-ey off the shelf ones wear out (just like the padding in running shoes or sneakers wears out)

    6. This will sound strange, but try a comfy, not tight loafer with a 1″ or 1.5″ heel. This will push your weight forward just a bit off your own heel. When I first had PF I suffered for weeks in flat shoes with proper arch supports, and then one day I *HAD* to put on a pair of low heels at work. Suddenly my feet were no longer in agony.

    7. do you have NICE inserts or drugstore inserts? Aetrex or Powerstep are both $50+ but really make a difference. you can also get custom ones made, either by a podiatrist or i think i’ve seen them at like meijer’s.

      another idea: birkenstock sneakers or their “professional” shoes.

      i find it’s not just arch support but how well the shoe holds me in, also, if that makes sense? love my kiziks and other shoes with lots of padding for quick runs but if they don’t have stiff sides and backs then my feet get tired quickly.

    8. Get yourself a pair of Danskos. Not the clogs – they usually have loafers or oxfords.

    10. Check out SAS shoes. A lot of them are terrible, but they also have some nicer loafers and other business casual types of shoes in many different sizes and widths. The Metro loafer was a godsend for me when I had a plantar fasciitis flare and had to do a lot of walking for on-campus meetings.

    12. If Birkenstocks work for you, they have some (closed-toe, non-clog) models that are work appropriate on their website.

  20. so i’m the one who posted about a present for a friend. i got excited about the idea of getting her an hermes scarf (someone got me one for my 30th and i don’t wear it often but do use it) and they are $620. back to the drawing board.

    3. Try Echo New York. They have a lot of lovely prints, especially their Echo 100 series without the Hermes price point. Also, Aspinal of London. Any, you can always search on Etsy for old Hermes scarves. There are a good number in the $200-$300 price point.

      1. So weird that I came online intending to post about the Echo 100 scarves today. They are so good, and there are significant charitable contributions for each purchase. I am sorry that several sold out before I saw them, and I am keeping an eye on Poshmark.

  21. Is there a way to figure out what online retailers partner with happy returns (particularly staples) for their returns?

    I am finally done having kids so trying to rebuild my wardrobe after 5 years. Having easy returns is a big help.

    Also, any idea what gives. I bought from levi’s online once and was able to use happy returns via kohls. I ordered again a month later though and they only had returns via fedex available (who levi’s is now saying lost half of my order – not sure how it’s possible since it was in one box!)

    1. No idea if you can find a comprehensive list, but Boden uses Happy Returns.

    2. I don’t find Happy Returns to be any easier than returning with a UPS or FedEx label. I always get a drop-off receipt for UPS or FedEx. The one that’s less convenient is USPS, since our post office is only open 9-5 M-F.

      1. Yes, if I were to really show up at Ulta with my Lands End return, would anyone there know what to do with it?

      2. Yes, I’ve totally done it, and haven’t had any problems with the employees not knowing what to do with it. I assume they get drop-offs relatively frequently for other stores, since that’s kind of the whole point of the network! There’s usually a specific drop-off point/customer service desk to go to.

  22. Some years ago (like, 14 years ago) I had a bad breakup with the woman who had been my best friend for maybe 20 years before that. I haven’t heard from her since and had heard second hand that she had been having substance abuse issues. Yesterday I got a text from my husband’s legal assistant that she had called his office number and left a message for me to call her. Which means, I guess, that she had googled me and found out I was married to him and tracked him down and found his office number. And that’s weird because I still have the same cell number I’ve had all this time but she didn’t call or text that.

    I should ignore it, right? If she wanted to call or text, she could do that, right? And just putting the ball in my court (when in my view she owes me an apology for a lot of things including the $8,000 she borrowed and never paid back) is not a classy move, right? I don’t really see any upside to getting involved with her again but I’m curious… And to make matters worse my current best friend just died so I’m feeling friendless.

    Talk me down, please. Or not.

    1. I wouldn’t read anything into her not calling or texting you. Entirely possible that she lost your number when getting a new phone and didn’t have it memorized. I don’t think I have any numbers post 2005 memorized now and I’ve genuinely lost track of some numbers over the years. With that said, the question is, if she called you, would you have answered? Do you have any mutual friends left to find out how she is doing and what might have prompted the reach out? No right answer, I’d probably call her, but that’s just me.

      1. I barely know my teens’ cell #s. They have different area codes even. I only remember #s I have actually dialed for people like my parents where I have called often and it hasn’t changed.

        New phone + possible substance abuse? All bets are off, for me.

        Still maybe talk to any mutual before you call. She may want more $ vs making amends.

      2. I would call too. It’s a lot of effort to find you this way. Some people delete numbers, some get new phones without having it backed up. I know a lot of people would say stay away but I’d hear her out at least.

      3. I also wouldn’t put any stock into her “putting the ball in SA’s court.” What else is the woman supposed to do – leave a garbled message about apologies and eight thousand dollars?

    2. I would let it go and not respond. I’m so sorry that your best friend has died and I urge you not to feel that void with someone who could be really bad for you. If there’s substances involved, she’s probably coming to you for money.

    3. Text her back? Is there a downside to responding? Aren’t you curious? You can stop contact if you don’t like the response you get.

      1. If you’re not someone who has a hard time enforcing boundaries, this is what I would do.

      3. Same. The curiosity would be too much for me to ignore. But do it knowing everything you know now.

        1. As someone who is has been on the receiving end of too many of these self involved apologies, I would recommend avoiding at all cost. She can live with what she did and not burden SA to assuage the guilt.

    4. I’m so sorry about your friend who died.

      For this situation, I think it helps to pause and breathe. The roundabout message you got isn’t a summons to respond. It’s just an option. I hate to put the legal assistant in the middle of all of this, but they could respond back with an email address or mailing address for you. Then your former-friend would have a way to contact you that’s less pressure than you doing a cold call back. It sounds like you want some sort of explanation or apology so this could be a path to getting that. However, none of that is guaranteed. If you want to be open to hearing more, think about providing the contact info, but you’re also not required to listen to someone’s excuses if it’s not worth the potential resolution for you.

      Thinking of you

      1. All of this makes a lot of sense – take a little time to think abou this. FWIW, I don’t think it’s weird for her to have contacted you through DH’s office, as it seems likely that she just doesn’t have your number any more. (I have been with my SO for almost seven years and I don’t have his phone number memorized, nor he mine. We joke that if we lost our phones we’d never see each other again.)

        And I am so sorry about the loss of your friend, and sending you virtual hugs.

    5. I don’t find her outrageous for contacting your husband’s office rather than using your cell number. There could be any number of reasons she did that — including that she lost your number somewhere in the past 15 years. I also don’t find a simple request for contact to be terribly out of line. Maybe she’s in a 12-step program and does want to apologize, but that’s not something she can do through a message from your husband’s office. Sure, maybe she’s still a terrible person. But these actions in themselves don’t say Terrible Person.

      1. This was my exact thought. A lot of work to chase down means she doesn’t still have the direct number. And part of the make amends stage was my second thought. I was on the receiving end of one of those calls once and it was really upsetting to me. He started to apologize for things he had done that I wasn’t even aware of (o hadn’t even realized he was using). So brace yourself that it could be the case or follow the advice of others here to provide an email address or limit to text. I wouldn’t automatically assume it’s a desire to become friends or more again given how long and the circumstances. In my experience, people who have behaved badly genuinely are embarrassed and don’t want to revisit it. So nothing about you but more likely they want to acknowledge the wrong and make it right and go on to live their current life with a semi-clean slate substance free somewhere distant from the past.

    6. I’m so sorry about the death of your friend. Take a moment right now; pause, breathe, and let this settle for a bit. Then you can choose what to do. I wouldn’t respond, but if you do decide to, that’s not the wrong choice, either.

      Take care of yourself. This internet stranger is thinking of you.

    8. I get enforcing the boundary for sure. And I will say that you’re not going to replace your best friend with a bad friend so certainly be cautious.

      That being said, maybe she is in some sort of substance abuse treatment program where apologizing is a step. I could see why she wouldn’t apologize to an assistant. That being said, she could also just need something and is burning through everyone. I think you have to ask yourself how much you’d want to risk a second chance. And completely understandable if you don’t want to take that risk because relationships with anyone who has abused substances are challenging.

    9. This places no obligation whatsoever on you to respond, but if she has gotten sober and joined a 12-step program, she might be doing the “making amends” step. Which (again) places no obligation on you to let her or to accept whatever apology she wants to make but is an explanation for her reaching out. (And as others have pointed out, it is entirely likely that she no longer has your number.)

      In your shoes I would probably reach out but on a blocked number so as not to re-open communications if it turns out that she has some less pure motive. But only you can decide whether you want to re-open that wound.

      2. I’m so sorry about your friend’s passing.

        This was my instinct too. I similarly had an ex reach out when he entered a 12-step program. It was a little weird hearing from him, and I think he had a script. We haven’t spoken since. On a human level, I am glad that he was able to turn his life around.

    10. Not exactly the same situation, but I had a bad breakup with a childhood friend around 15 years ago. I ran into her at an event around 10 years ago, and we were polite but didn’t linger. I have since heard that she’s going through a nasty divorce. She hasn’t reached out to me, but if she did, I would be cautious about responding or getting involved.

      She has a strong support network of family and other friends, and there’s no reason that she needs me in that network. And even if she was calling to apologize, there’s no action after that. We live far away, we’re in different seasons of life, there’s just no long-term relationship potential anymore.

      I don’t wish her ill, I wish her the best, but it’s no longer my role to contribute to the best for her. I think a vague “call me” doesn’t show growth from your old friend. I get it that it would be weird to give a whole heartfelt apology to the voicemail at your husband’s firm or to his assistant. But if you’re at all self-aware and concerned for the other person, you have to know that a random phone call after 20 years with zero information is going to cause discomfort. If your true intent is to apologize, then step 1 is thinking about how your sudden reappearance will come across.

      I don’t think you’re obligated to respond, and just because you were a good friend years ago does not mean you need to immediately be a good friend now.

    11. If she doesn’t have your number, no, she CANNOT “just call or text.”

      I found out a week ago that somehow, I completely lost a friend’s phone number – and we have been friends since 2004.

      1. Adding to this: a year ago, my father’s college best friend called me. He lost my father’s contact information and wanted to reach out. He and his wife did some internet searching and found my phone number. From everything I know, it was a sincere effort to say hi to an old friend.

    12. I am sorry for the loss of your current best friend. I don’t really see any upside to reconnecting with the friend who tracked you down through your husband’s work (which is really weird). I would not return the call. From this outsider’s perspective, this seems like the best time to hold a boundary.

    13. I’m so sorry to hear your best friend passed. That must be really tough. I’m at a point in my life where peace is my priority so I probably wouldn’t reach out given the history you described. I think if an amends is her top priority she will reach out again.

    14. I’m sorry about the loss of your friend.

      I wouldn’t call her. You broke up for a reason, and getting embroiled in old drama isn’t going to make you feel better. Quite the opposite. And if the message was about an apology for past behavior, she could easily put it in writing and mail it to your husband’s office. Or she could’ve left all of her info. Or mailed a check. Calling after 14 years with a request that you call her as if nothing had changed is self centered, and I wouldn’t return the call.

  23. I need some shoe help. I had foot surgery a few months ago and have an open wound in the arch of my foot that also causes my foot to swell. I have exactly one pair of work shoes that are comfortable and fit, my Cole Haan Zero Grande loafers, which I loved even before surgery because they’re soft and cushiony and I can do a lot of walking comfortably in them. However, I think the white sole makes them too casual for wearing with a suit.

    Does anyone have any recommendations for a comfortable shoe that is still dressy enough to wear in a formal environment? I have about a week of travel internationally with a formal dress code, so I need something I can do a lot of walking with on my injured foot and that can stretch a little if my foot is swollen. Criteria would be cushiony sole, soft leather for swelling, and minimal arch support to not press up against the wound, and absolutely no heels. Open to loafers or any other style of flat that works with a suit. TIA!

    1. I think the Cole Haan Zero Grande comes in versions with dark soles as well, maybe get a second pair?

    2. I wonder if this is a job for Naturalizer or Anne Klein? Some of the DSW level comfort office flats have minimal arch support and a lot of pillowy cushion. They’re terrible for me since I need real arch support, but they do feel like comfy slippers to try on.

    3. I would be tempted to just lean into having a hurt foot and not worry about whether my shoes are exactly perfect for a suit.

    4. Clarks Cloudsteppers is the answer here. They’re not the most fashionable, but they have some wider very cushy flats that fit the bill exactly here in a not fashion-forward but nearly as comfy as sneakers sort of way.

  24. I have a colleague who is above me but I don’t report to her. I can tell she’s intelligent, but she asks so. many. questions. I started dreading talking to her or sending her documents to review because I know she’s going to come back with a thousand “why”s or “how”s.

    I’m very much the kind of person who takes initiative to try to figure things out by myself before asking for help. Is there a way I can tell her nicely that I can’t always help her, or do I need to suck it up.

    1. I don’t think so, but I feel your pain. They’ll just act like you assaulted them if you tell them to figure it out themselves. This is why I’m always super direct with my own reports to “figure stuff out with the tools you have” so that they don’t become this person.

    2. They key here is “above me”. So no – she is not a junior you can manage. She is a superior you need to accommodate unless it is interfering with your ability to do your job, in which case you need to (very) gently tell her that and, if that does not work discuss with your own boss.

    4. Ugh, do we have the same coworker? EVERYTHING results in a huge discussion of the “why.” Sometimes she just needs to take the draft and do her job.

      1. Yes. Because often, I have no say in it anyway, so debating the “why” is just exhausting and counterproductive.

    5. Can you filter her questions through your boss? Not as in asking your boss to answer, but “hey boss, is drafting responses to her questions a priority?”

      I have several colleagues who ask a ton of questions, not because they expect answers but because it is their job to make sure the questions have been considered.

    6. Would it make sense to schedule a review meeting/discussion rather than do this in writing? Sometimes that’s actually faster and helps people prioritize their questions & comments

    7. Will admit to being a person who asks a ton of questions- guidance on scope is really helpful! Give her clues on where you want her to focus her attention and what the boundary conditions are.

      For example:
      “I’ve got 5 minutes and wanted to ask you about X- could you let me know whether you think A or B is more appropriate”
      “Per our policy I can’t do C, do you think G or H is a better plan?”
      “I need a quick review of section 3, to make sure it fits with our policy Y”
      “This is due tomorrow- could you please focus on whether it addresses Z”
      “I’m stuck doing A&B because of G’s decisions- I need to figure out how to do H”

  25. So just how good are bomba socks? I do a ton of walking, and with general quality standards slipping, I need something that won’t develop holes very quickly, and I’m willing to pay for it. TIA~

    2. Mine all got holes in the toes. No more durable than other socks in my experience.

      If you are looking for socks for exercise walking, I have had better luck with Balega Hidden Comfort No Show Athletic socks than with Bombas.

    3. My first batch of bombas all developed holes in the heals very quickly. Worse than any other expensive wool socks that I have bought. Then because of the warranty, they sent me four new replacement pairs for free. And no holes since. They do pill/wear more than other expensive brands, but are nice and soft and comfortable. So I have bought more, although I would appreciate other brand suggestions. But sometimes other brands have odd color choices/combos or aren’t the height I want. Sometimes you just want plain black wool socks, and bombas does that.

    4. I have the same issue. I got a pair of Ice Breaker ankle socks from REI that i am really liking.

    6. I bought a 4pack two years ago and decided I would just wear them on repeat since they are so spendy. I just bought a second 4 pack to have more in rotation. They are so cushiony and soft and the arch support is great. I am buying them for my Mom for Christmas. I totally think they are special enough to treat yourself to the price point.

    7. surprised by the other comments – I love mine! and I’ve gotten them all at tjmaxx/marshalls. they are so comfy, hold up great, don’t slip. (I mostly wear them for working out)

    9. Awful. They are baggy even if you size down. They stretch out and bunch. And they get holes quickly.

    11. I really dislike them other than the compression socks. They constantly slip down my heel.

  26. If you please, help me come up with stock phrases to address people to whom I need to be polite but just keep on complaining about a work issue even though I tell them that I agree their issue is valid and present my plan to address it. What I want to say is that I don’t have time to be their emotional support and listen to them until they are done whining, but of course that doesn’t go after well.

    1. I understand that’s frustrating- have you tried raising it with X? Unfortunately, I have to get back to doing Y.

      I wish I could help but I’ve got A& B due tomorrow- best of luck!

      Sorry, it sounds like X is really frustrating, but I’ve got no control over it, and I’m sort of X’d out. Can we talk about work issue/your new puppy/tv show instead?

    2. I hear your frustration and hope you are able to find a solution. I’ve got to prep for my next meeting now.

    3. If you have a plan to address the issue, does this mean you are the person responsible for fixing it? If so, it is reasonable that they are complaining to you.

      1. No, I’m not. If I’m the intermediary and I tell you it’s being fixed, I don’t want to have to deal with your venting until you get it out of your system! (Men.)

    4. Redirect— let them know who they can vent to, or suggest that they put it in writing and you’ll send it on.

    1. I have a pixie, so I have to be careful about how I style them so I don’t look like that picture of The Rock.

  28. just a vent. met someone this morning who included in her background that she ‘worked on wall street during the credit crisis and due to headcount reductions had greater than typical responsibility.’ turns out she and i graduated from college in the same year, which at this point was more than 15 years ago. I also almost never hear anyone say they “worked on wall street,” they might say they worked in finance. half the banks arent even on wall street anymore

    3. I have an extended family member who is a biglaw partner who said in conversation a couple of years ago that she “represents Wall Street.”

    4. I’ve heard people say they worked on Wall St.. I don’t think this is weird or new. I graduated college in ’07.

    5. Well, the credit crisis was more than 15 years ago so it makes sense you graduated college more than 15 years ago…

    6. Yeah, I think putting a line about how you responded to layoffs back in 2008 in your professional bio is weirder than calling it wall street. Unless she was giving a talk specifically on “how I ended up a VP by age 25” or “how to manage a team when big layoffs you don’t control are happening”, or it was somehow otherwise professionally relevant in an unusual way.

    7. I think saying they worked on Wall Street is more a euphemism for working in an investment bank, maybe during the heyday of investment banking, pre-financial crisis.
      Signed, someone who “started my career on Wall Street” i.e. in an investment bank in New York in the early 2000s that was not actually located on Wall Street, but in midtown.

      1. Agree. This is just the industry equivalent of saying she cut her teeth with the Big 4, spent a season on set in Hollywood, or was embedded overseas. It’s not pretentious in and of itself.

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