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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Cowl-Neck Cap-Sleeve Satin Top

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A woman wearing black pants and a navy sleeveless cowl-neck top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This cowl-neck top from Renee C would be a great option for wearing under suits and blazers. I like a cap sleeve for layering under jackets because it doesn’t get too bunched up, but still gives you enough coverage if you’re going to take the jacket off.

This top comes in NINE different colors, perfect for coordinating with every suit in your closet. 

The top is $36.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes XS-XL.

Sales of note for 4/17:

  • Nordstrom – Beauty savings event, up to 25% off – nice price on Black Honey
  • Ann Taylor – Cyber Spring! 50% off everything + free shipping
  • Boden – 25% off everything (thru Sun, then 15% off)
  • Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
  • Evereve – 1000+ items on sale, including lots from Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
  • Express – $29 dresses
  • J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Loft – Friends & Family event, 50% off entire purchase + free shipping
  • Macy's – 25% off already reduced prices + 15% off beauty & fragrance
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196 Comments

  1. TW: Heavy topics/trauma

    Husband and I are 30 and normally very lovey dovey, he’s my best friend and life confidant. Since COVID, he’s experienced some traumatic events including job loss, a toxic work situation, sudden death of his 25 year old cousin, and mesothelioma diagnosis of his previously healthy father which led to his father’s death in Aug 2024. Obviously, it’s a lot. His mom and I *finally* convinced him to see a therapist a few months ago and they have been working on EMDR to process the traumatic thoughts that have kept him awake at night for over a year. He (and I) are exhausted.

    My question is, how do I support him without becoming a sponge that absorbs his trauma? He had EMDR last night and when I asked how it went he went into detail which he typically doesn’t. Of course, I love and care about him SO much, but I felt overwhelmed myself after actively listening. Of course, I don’t want to tell him that and make him feel bad for sharing. Ugh

    1. I’m sorry you guys are dealing with this. I think this is complicated enough that you might want a session or two with a therapist (I don’t know whether his or a different one would be better–hopefully the therapist could advise) to get advice on how to help him.

    2. Oh gosh, that all sounds so hard. I hope that others can weigh in with good advice. I don’t have any real experience to draw from, but if it were me, I would try to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. If your husband can’t fulfill your best friend needs, can you schedule extra time with your sister, a good friend, etc so that you have your own outlet? Are there relaxing things you can do together so that you can be there for him but also decompress, like a nature work, going to church if that is something y’all do, even just sitting together with comfy blankets and eating a treat and listening to a nice playlist? Good luck – this sounds like a tough season but yall will get through it to the other side.

      1. Agree with these comments. Also, is there something he can do to decompress? For my husband it’s video games and the gym. I know it’s fun to hate on video games (so do I) but genuinely it helps him engage his brain differently and process the day’s tension. He plays against the computer, not other people.

        1. There are specific video games which are helpful in the same way as EMDR. I am not up to date on this, but his therapist likely is.

    3. I’m not familiar with EMDR, but a quick google search said that deep processing after a session is normal. I wonder if he can tee this up with this therapist, who might give both of you guys ideas for how to handle the “after?” For my husband and me, it would be to do something physical – like a date night at an indoor golf facility or a joint weight or HITT class, followed by a sauna and then dinner out? I too would struggle with just coming home and being talked at, but it sounds like a very normal post session reaction.

    4. Long time married here and hard as it is, it’s really important to stay emotionally connected and be the person he does share with. Even if that’s hard to listen to. I’d get your own therapist if you need someone to talk to. But whatever you do, keep your husband processing with you and seeking emotional support from you.

      1. I disagree with this to some degree. A spouse is not a therapist. The only way I was able to remain married was to set some healthy boundaries that allowed me to retain my own identity and exist as a separate person, not just an emotional garbage dumpster.

        1. Another long time married here. I’m not sure what OP is describing is emotional garbage dumpster territory though. Partner is handling some objectively traumatic experiences in a healthy way, and sought to talk to the person closest to him about his therapy session, once so far.

          1. Right. Your boundaries have to relax when your partner is experiencing/processing trauma.

          2. If you have ever been married to a person with a mental illness you will know that boundaries are more, not less, important in that situation.

          3. Maybe, but this seems to be a snapshot in an otherwise good and for the long-term marriage. This is the time to give more with the expectation that this is not forever, and things will normalize with support.

          4. I can’t imagine how this would work in real life.

            “honey please open up to me about how you’re feeling”

            “no, that’s not what I meant. now you’re trauma dumping and that crosses my BOUNDARIES”

            You can’t have both. And asking someone suffering from trauma to tailor their response to trauma to fit in your box is ridiculous. It’s centering yourself as the victim.

          5. You shouldn’t ask your spouse how therapy went. Therapy is therapy and marriage is marriage. The whole point of therapy is that your spouse has a safe place to talk about his problems without dumping on you.

          6. Obviously none of you have ever had an immediate family member with a mental illness. It is the job of the therapist to listen to their ranting.

          7. Yes, I think it’s very normal to debrief a very first therapy session, especially if he was hesitant to give this a try.

            I don’t think it means that he’ll debrief every session the same way going forward. I also think it’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it all this one time.

        2. Therapy is a relatively new concept, but marriage has been around for a long time–it’s a partnership and venting to each other is a key part of partnership. I feel like people just parrot the phrase “A spouse is not a therapist” as if it’s a true statement or even has meaning.

          Not everyone needs to pay for a third party to help process trauma or emotions. It’s great when they do, but it’s perfectly valid to use your spouse as a sounding board–what affects one affects the unit.

    5. My advice is be there for him but start the convo earlier in the evening so you have time to do something else before bed. Helps me a lot if a deep conversation isn’t right before bed.

    6. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I think this might merit a phone call to *his* therapist first, to ask the question about what can happen at home to support his EMDR process. If it feels like you’d like more support than that, I think it’s worth getting your own therapist. Although this sounds awful for your husband, much of this is your trauma, too, and you might benefit from having someone else (a therapist) to share some of the weight and to provide you with tools for emotional support that is helpful for him *and* protective of yourself.

      Best of luck. I hope you’ll update here when you can; I’m rooting for you and I’ll be thinking of you.

    7. I second (or third) the suggestion for therapy for you. I have a young adult daughter dealing with some significant mental health challenges, and I have found therapy to be really valuable in helping me to learn to support her while also setting appropriate boundaries for myself, and just for having somebody I can vent to somewhat freely.

      1. +1 for your own therapist. You need someplace to put all those big feelings, too.

    8. I had to do a lot of work myself on this, it’s still a process but it is a nice skill to be able to hold space for someone without internalizing their feelings.

      One suggestion you can immediately try – Can you take a walk together while he tells you the things? I’ve found that it’s way easier for me to listen actively and not internalize if I’m physically doing something. Also a walk has a nice natural ending, so it allows for a natural punctuation to the conversation as well. It doesn’t always happen but it’s really helpful. A drive can have a similar feel, although it’s not as good as the walk.

      Basically I think you have to get it out of your body. Another thing I will sometimes do when I’m overwhelmed by things outside of me that are sitting in my head is to listen to feminist salty rage music very loudly and to sing along. It’s best in my car but headphones work too. It doesn’t really matter if the thing I’m mad about is related to being a woman, the feminist rage songs just work well for me. :)

      1. oh and longterm – I think my meditation habit helps me to practice the skill to let go of thoughts/emotions more easily without internalizing them. I’m a much better person (most days) when I spend 10-15 minutes meditating in the morning. For you maybe you get there through therapy or running or whatever works for you, but that’s what works well for me.

    9. As the spouse of a depressed person, I feel for you! I was so neglected, and I neglected myself in supporting him.

      NAMI Family Support Groups are free and it can help to be with people who actually understand the stress, loneliness, and exhaustion of supporting someone else’s mental health issues.

      The books Depression Fallout and How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed are game changers.

      Also, take care of yourself. Exercise, prioritize sleep, do fun things with other people.

      1. +1 million to the last paragraph. You need time and mental space to be yourself apart from the mentally ill person. One thing that really helped me was a “sleep divorce.” Sleeping alone and having that marginal time in the evening and morning to be out of caregiving mode is restorative.

    10. I have PTSD and found that the day after EMDR is rough. Everything comes to the surface and then, in the days or weeks that follow, I feel better.

      What helps: scheduling EMDR so that I have something fun after. One time, I took a road trip to see friends in another state (about a five hour drive). I took my kayak, too, so it was friend time, sleep, hotel breakfast, friend time, walks in nature with my friend, kayak, saw a different friend, drinks, food, home.

  2. I am considering going on a low dose GLP for two things – small weight loss (about 10 lbs) and for the mental health benefits I keep hearing about w/r/t tamping down anxiety/brain fog/depression and urge to drink. Hoping to implement lifestyle changes and then come off the GLP in a few months. Anyone done anything something similar? Regrets? Side effects? I’m doing this through my primary care physician, so will be monitored and checked throughout.

    1. I’ve been on GLPs for two years now. Wegovy was better with moderating the urge to drink, Zepbound not so much. My brain fog and anxiety are both worse than ever though so I wouldn’t recommend them for that. You will regain 10 lbs and maybe more as soon as you stop them.

    2. Not sure how low-dose you’re thinking, but I never got above 2 1/2 mg of Zepbound for the four months I was on it and I had all of the side effects -Including the weight loss and food noise fixing!, but the other side effects were a lot.

      2. Drug approval is a long, costly process. Many drugs have actions and indications beyond what is approved. These are relatively new drugs, and data supports the use beyond the original indication.

      3. Disagree. It actually is what they are for. Do a little more research before you shade this. It’s exactly what I’m doing and it’s amazing.

      1. +1

        Sounds like you need to treat your anxiety/depression, which is likely heightening your urge to drink (and eat). No, I wouldn’t recommend GLP1s for this at all. They aren’t for depression and ?brain fog (maybe a side effect of your depression).

        Did your primary care doctor say they thought this was a good idea? Maybe it’s time to look for a doctor or therapist to address your mood issues.

        1. You, of course, are in a much better position to evaluate, diagnose, and determine treatment for the OP than her PCP is………..

          1. I have no idea who her PCP is, or whether they’re even a doctor. I also don’t know if this is really their best advice, or if it’s an idea they’re willing to go along with it because it’s unlikely to hurt. I also don’t know what OP told them vs what she told us. But Wellbutrin is great for losing relatively small amounts of weight, for making drinking less appealing, and for tamping down depression and (after a ramp up period) anxiety. Maybe OP is actually a binge drinker and this is a lower risk approach with all things considered. Maybe Wellbutrin was the first line med and it already didn’t work. I don’t know, but OP may want to know that there’s a med that’s straight up indicated and is valued for being easy to quit vs. an off label experimental approach that’s expected to stop helping as soon as it’s discontinued.

    5. Doing it now and love it so much. Didn’t bother trying to go through my doctor as that was too many hoops and just get it online via Ro. Best thing I’ve ever done. I feel fantastic.

        1. Yes, I intend to stay on it forever. For the OP, I have maybe 10-15lbs to lose and I didn’t get on the GLP train because I thought I could do it without it (have before, always a struggle). Started this and OMG, it changes everything. Food still tastes good but it is so easy to make good choices because I’m never starving. My GI system has normalized and I never have gas or feel bloated. I don’t want to drink alcohol at all. I am sleeping better, and have way more energy. I was never depressed, but cranky because I was hungry and that made me snappish. That’s all gone. I cannot recommend this highly enough. But yes, it is a lifelong thing. My take was start the pills, they’re easy to stop, if I had negative side effects, I’d stop right away before losing any weight and risking the rebound issue. If I felt good, I’d stick with it. Fortunately the latter is where I am.

          1. can you convince my husband to try it? seriously I think it would save our marriage if he drank less and wasn’t hangry always.

          2. Honestly show him this. My husband and I are doing it together and that’s actually really helpful too. I was so against it because of all the side effects that some people have, I didn’t really consider the “what if it’s great” possibility. Now that wegovy and other compounded versions come in pill form, there’s very little risk in seeing if it works for you.

    6. As others have said, it’s not really for that. I’ve been on a maintenance dose of tirz for almost a year now (for peri weight gain and blood sugar management since I was prediabetic and have family history of diabetes) and while it’s worked wonderfully, I will likely need to stay on it for the rest of my life to reap the continued benefits. This isn’t really a drug you can just take for a few months and quit. Also, I haven’t really noticed any mental health benefits. I’m on an SSRI for that.

  3. Do we think all of these ‘successful’ men who appear in the Epstien files have some sort of the same pathology that made them successful/led them to engage with Epstien? Or some of them felt ‘peer pressure’ to try to fit in with this successful/wealthy crowd? They are obviously all responsible for their own actions, but i also just don’t really get it, like so many men are really that seedy and like young girls/taking advantage. I guess perhaps I’m just naive/fortunate i haven’t encountered too many people like this in real life

    1. I assume that one way to get ahead in life is to view and treat other people in a predatory, exploitative way? But don’t forget about other stories like Gisele Pelicot’s story, or “The Hunting Ground” about a US public university, or the customers of whatever business near you is involved in trafficking.

      1. The Weinstein Company is listed as involved with The Hunting Ground. Marchesa is back as a fashion company. I think my head is going to explode.

        1. Marchesa was his wife, right? was she involved to some extent that she should have been canceled?

          1. IIRC my sense was that she was so prominent because he forced people to wear her dresses at awards shows.

    2. It is depressing to think of. These men had every advantage and still did this – what hope is there for men?

      Also, Maxwell scares me. What kind of a woman does this to other women? Did she have no other rich men she could pal around with who wouldn’t commit such crimes? I suppose the extent of the files shows the answer may have been no, but it’s still a deeply shocking career choice.

      1. My guess is that people who are this advantaged have conditioned themselves to have whatever they want to such an extreme level that they basically lose their ability to be sated and content. The only way they can feel anything is to act out in more and more depraved ways.

    3. I started getting hit on by grown men starting in middle school. I think a lot more men than we think are into this, they just don’t have the money/power to get away with it.

      1. +1. I got hit on by grown men often in high school and somewhat in middle school. A lot more than I do now as a grown adult in her late 30s.

      2. My daughter is adopted and a different race than I am. Sometime she would be walking in front of me and I got to see the unedited version of men hitting on her. It was horrifying.

        1. My daughter is the same race as me and is very pretty and curvy. I’ve been watching (with horror) grown men ogle her since pre-puberty. I choose the bear.

      3. +1. The money/power helps them get away with it but for the crimes themselves, it’s a myth that “rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power.” A multi-country UN survey of male rapists found that the top reason men cited for why they raped women was because they wanted to have sex with them.

        1. But what does that word mean to them? Remember that the cohort who admits to these crimes against women, if asked, statistically also admits to opportunistic crimes against much more vulnerable victims (the very young, the very old, animals, it’s not just about women).

      4. They probably do have the money/power to get away with it. This was my experience as a grade schooler living in a very wealthy, low crime suburb.

      5. I forget if it was here or elsewhere, but I read a comment that has stuck with me because it’s true:

        I got hit on more when I was under 18 than I did in my mid-20s.

    4. I think that there’s always some intrigue around notoriety. Most of us live pretty uneventful lives, if we’re lucky–I think probably they were just curious about someone who seemed to live by no/different rules.

    5. To become truly wealthy and powerful, you have to be a predatory person who believes rules and law do not apply to you.

      1. +1 I haven’t read it in years, but The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson explores the significant overlap between psychopaths and CEOs. My recollection is that the overlap based on diagnostic criteria is pretty striking.

      2. Yep, I think this is correct. Once you get to a certain level of wealth and power, it’s just turtles all the way down.

    6. I’ve been reading some of the Epstein emails to try to get a better picture of his psyche and I don’t think merely appearing in the emails is enough to conclude an individual participated in his illegal activities. I’m sure some did (and obviously those who send explicit emails) but I also think Epstein (1) lied A LOT and (2) was fairly good at managing his external image for a time. It also seems he was very controlling of who saw what sides of him – if you read GM’s interview with the FBI, she claims she was never allowed to have a key to his house (which was a sore point, apparently) and could only come over when asked. Though I also think she lies a lot, so who knows.

      In terms of why people engaged with him – he relied on flattery/gifts to ingratiate himself with people, then would eventually start using them. This tactic isn’t uncommon. I’m an attorney and there was a rainmaker partner I worked with briefly who had a similar M.O. for manipulating people (lock them in with gifts/flattery/attention/high profile, interesting work assignments, eventually start using them/treating them badly but occasionally do something nice for them to keep them locked in). He would throw fun parties (rowdy client trip to Vegas every year) and brag about his social connections to various powerful people. I personally found him to be extremely off-putting and he made me uncomfortable, so I pivoted away from his orbit. But he always had (and still has) a crew of loyal underlings (almost all women!) who were either naive or liked the perks. I think Epstein was similar.

    7. Soon Yi emailing him to get her daughter with Woody Allen into college — a whiff of Varsity Blues and a sense that Soon Yi must have a hard shell of denial she is enveloped in.

    8. I think a lot of people are willing to just look the other way, particularly when it suits their social and/or financial interests to do it.

    9. I’m glad that we as a society are realizing how terrible it is for grown men to be interested in girls practically as soon as they hit puberty. I’m glad that we are moving beyond the assumption that girls are more mature, or that physical maturity means emotional maturity, or that having boobs means you’re a woman not a child. Sadly, it’s a pretty recent phenomenon that predation on girls is widely viewed as problematic. Jerry Seinfeld had a 17 year old girlfriend and no one batted an eye. Claire Danes was nude in bed in Romeo and Juliet when she was 16. R Kelly married Aaliyah when she was 15 – and yes that was denounced but he kept dating her and his circle protected him.

      And those are instances that everyone knew about and just sort of accepted. Think about how much happened that we didn’t hear about. It doesn’t surprise me at all that a wealthy man would entertain his business associates with underage girls and think it’s basically the equivalent to having Cuban cigars back when the embargo was up — something everyone wants but only the wealthy get to access (blech).

      1. I think it’s important to recognize that it’s never been normal or common though. It’s a small minority of men who have something wrong with them and who cause a lot of harm.

    10. What surprises me is that there are any rich and powerful men whose names don’t appear in those files.

    11. I don’t care. I’ve heard too much analysis of who did what and why, and what did it really mean? Wrong is wrong. If you had anything to do with Epstein after June 2008, you are at minimum a pedophile excuser. Ruminating over this gives it some degree of being normalized, like it’s something that can be understood. I don’t want to understand their psyche, if these people (some are women) can be held legally liable, then they should be fired from all their roles and shunned by society.

    12. Remember the show To Catch a Predator? Sadly I think there are a lot of men out there who might not actively seek it out but who would do this type of thing if the opportunity presented itself and they think they can get away with it. Being rich & powerful provides easy access (don’t have to navigate chat rooms if you can fly on the PJ to the island) and a much higher likelihood of getting away with it.

      1. We need to raise men differently, and the social repercussions (not just legal, but social) need to be life altering (in US culture, they’re currently minor).

        1. Are they? We have some of the harshest sentencing guidelines in the western world.

          1. When they finally get caught, if they ever do. Why was it all so accepted until then? Why do communities come together to ostracize victims and protect the people they’re accusing from ever facing legal trouble at all?

          2. Probably lessons learned from the Salem Witch trials? Community ostracization is usually seen as a harmful thing, not something we just need to “direct better.”

          3. It’s always a choice whether to ostracize victim or perp. Only dangerous people would choose to allow continued access.

  4. Recommendations for heated socks?

    As I’m getting older, Reynaud’s is getting worse, and my toes are hurting so much this winter. I already wear 2 pairs of socks and warm slippers with thick soles at home. I WFH, so I could wear heated socks while I work.

    1. I’d check retailers that focus on hunting or skiing. Also consider laying a heating pad across the tops of your feet?

    3. I have a heated pad that is intended for feet, it’s like a baby sleeping bag. Highly recommend. Got it on Amazon.

    4. No heated socks recommendation but two other suggestions: 1) alpaca socks are the best non-heated socks I have found to try and keep my feet warm; and 2) a kind of imagery meditation where I relax my breathing, imagine my heat on warm rocks in front of a camp fire while my hands cup a mug of hot tea, imagining the blood flowing into my extremities carrying warmth is my most effective tool, but hard to do when working. One hopeful thought: menopause has improved my symptoms tremendously. Good luck.

    6. Fellow Raynaud’s sufferer here— I also use heated socks (and gloves outside). Take care that you don’t overheat or possibly burn your toes as you might not feel how hot the socks actually are. Also, what helps me is to move more often. I WFH and make it a point to get up and do stairs or a quick lap around the kitchen when I feel the feet getting really cold. Good luck!

    7. I like Merino wool socks and I have to take breaks to do a set of lunges throughout the day.

    8. I got some on Amazon from the brand Snow Deer for my husband a couple of years ago that seem fine. He doesn’t use them very often. The specific ones I bought are no longer available, but the brand has others that are.

    9. I use an electric blanket or my electric hot pad and place it on top of my two pairs of wool socks in my shearling slippers. Also, you must keep your core very warm, or it makes your hands/feet worse.

      BTW – the Facebook Raynaud’s groups are really helpful.

    10. Raynaud’s sufferer here. I have found that intense cardio + vitamin D supplements year round help to alleviate the symptoms. I’m 44 and they are so much less bad than they were when I was 30.

    11. Putting in a plug for silk sock liners. Heated socks made my feet too sweaty and thus, colder.

  5. I have a few tops like this, they seem to come and go out of style. My current favorite is from BR Factory two years ago and is still in good condition.

    1. Cowl necks make me feel like my aging jowls and neck are just melting down my chest. Not the neckline for me!

    2. This seems like a style from 2005-2012 era. But maybe it’s more classic than throwback? Shiny fabric is definitely something that goes in and out style.

    3. I think a cowl neck is just a classic neckline, and the fabric is what goes in and out of style. Any cowl neck paired with a modern suit or blazer would look fine. TBH, I think whether or not a cowl neck would work largely depends on the body and neck shape more than anything.

  6. low stakes question for today: what is your favorite unflavored dental floss? I’ve always gotten the Glide mint but realized I hate flossing my teeth because of the mint. Anything better/more comfortable as well as not flavored (or not flavored mint)?

    3. I started using my interdental sticks. I also agreed to pay my kid 50p every time I skipped flossing and my flossing rate has increased dramatically.

    4. Dr Tung’s smart floss. It comes in cardamom (plastic packaging) or lemongrass (eco friendly packaging). The flavors are pretty subtle and inoffensive.

      1. I love this. I put the cardamom floss in everyone’s stockings at Xmas.

        OP, this is really nice. Very subtle. Pricey though.

    7. My supermarket carries their generic floss in mint, cinnamon, and unflavored. It’s a little bit shreddy compared to Glide, but about 1/3 the cost.

  7. Another Epstein question – every time I see something riddled with misspellings it’s jarring. I was thinking about it this morning – are spelling checkers and autocorrects so prevalent now that I’ve forgotten what lousy spellers many people are? Or maybe people are getting better at it as more communication is written instead of verbal?

    1. Normal people were great at spelling in that exact same timeframe. It’s a combination of some of these people being poorly educated and all of them thinking they’re above all that.

    2. I still see plenty of misspellings in client emails. People are typing fast and don’t care to look and what they’ve written.

      1. There’s a difference between a typo and a misspelling though. Obviously there’s some overlap but when a colleague consistently types “recieve,” it’s not a typo. It looks so incredibly jarring to my eye but that isn’t true for everyone.

  8. Friends, Modern Citizen is stalking me and looks like my style. Does anyone know about quality?

    1. I’ve had one dress from Modern Citizen — super cute, but got a hole in it after a while. It was sort of sweatshirt material (which made it cute, actually) but it wasn’t incredibly durable.

    2. I ordered a sweater from there and returned it because I didn’t like the style on me, but the quality seemed decent.

    3. I’m wearing a Modern Citizen scarf neck shirt in navy to work today, and I have one of their dresses and a thick cardigan. Quality seems good to me. I like a lot of their clothes in theory but they don’t look right on me, so these are the only pieces I’ve kept.

  9. Famolare shoes are stalking me on social media. They are delightfully retro. But for the look to work, I’d need pantyhose, no? And a swingy polyester dress?

    3. I had a pair way back in the 70s. I wore them with sheer-toe nude pantyhose. I thought I was super cool!

    1. My caffeine deprived brain read this as the aggressive first lady carpool situation and was wondering what news I missed….

  11. I thought I had read somewhere that a private equity company bought a stake in Only Fans. I didn’t want to hunt for the article given the cookies that might generate. But if my recollection of the headline is right, maybe they can run that into the ground?

  12. I am grateful to have just received my bonus today from my new job. The cash to me is in the ballpark of $140k to me (post tax, retirement, etc). I’m very on track with all savings goals, debt is low (only a mortgage). DH and I are in good shape. We’re 40, two kids (6 and 3), own our home. We donate to charity on an automatic basis so consider that taken care of. Vacations for the year are funded already. Cars are < 5 years old. So, this brings our total cash on hand to about $300k. We'll carve out about $100k for our "emergency fund" and keep it in the HYSA it's currently in. How would you invest the rest? What should I start reading to learn more? People recommend bogleheads but I'm not sure where to start.

    To date we've been so focused on funding various savings vehicles (emergency, retirement, 529s, etc) or carrying a far above-average emergency fund given the nature of my old job (choppy, unpredictable income streams, eat-what-you-kill, market fluctuations, etc). That's all behind me/us and I'm grateful to be in this position, but I'm not sure where to turn! I'm ashamed to admit I've never bought an index fund in my life. I know the basics but have never done it myself. I do have a financial advisor who helped us get to this position, and I'm thankful for that, but we want to break up with her for Reasons and I don't want to seek her advice, certainly not without having done research on my own first. This should be straight forward? Help!

    1. Have you evaluated superfunding the 529 plans? With two plans, a bulk contribution to each plan would take up your entire bonus, I believe.

      1. +1. If you don’t anticipate needing the cash in the future, I would consider superfunding at least one of the 529s.

        1. We will want to renovate our first floor (kitchen and bath) which will be $$ when the youngest goes to K, so not for 2-3 years. I’d like to update another bathroom between now and then (vanity, toilet, tub, tile updates). The latter would be lovely to do this year but not necessary. We also need a new roof at some point. So we have things to spend on that make me reluctant to over fund the 529s. Maybe we drop $10k in each and continue on with our $500/mo/each contribution.

          1. If I needed the money for a renovation that soon I would just park it in a HYSA.

          2. I would just plop it in an index fund so you have it readily available for reno work.

    3. It might not hurt to check out ‘Personal Finance Club’. They have a website, social media accounts, etc. They make the process of walking through setting up a brokerage account and buying index funds so simple. From time to time the founder himself shows screenshots of his own investment portfolio and it’s kind of nice to see how simple he keeps it. They sell classes and recently started a business that connects people to advisors but he’s the first to admit 99% of what is needed to get started is on his website for free. For me personally it’s easier to see his recommendation in doses than diving deep into Bogleheads.

    4. Interested in these answers because we may be in a similar situation shortly. Here are the things we are considering- recasting our mortgage to make the monthly payments smaller as a hedge against one partner losing their job, investing in our already well funded index fund (VASGX, which I love because I don’t have to worry about rebalancing), or doing a series of house projects and just majorly boosting our emergency fund. Or a combo of all.

    5. Read “How Not to Invest” by Barry Ritholtz. Most of the book is about some crazy things people have done, and how financial markets work. The end of the book has simple guidelines for how to invest, that completely align with what you’ll read in Bogleheads etc.

      I found the book very easy to read, and have suggested it to several other people who also found it helpful. You can lookup Mr. Ritholtz’s credentials and experience, which are stellar.

    6. I’d do a mix of index funds, bond ladders, and if you haven’t, some Roth IRAs.
      Could also look at investing in outside-US stuff for diversification purposes, for example, through Interactive Brokers.

  13. This may be heavy for a Friday, but I’m really feeling alone.
    Has anyone else dealt with pelvic floor dyssynergia?
    I’m over 5 inches distended every day, and the distention worsens as the day goes on. It’s now been 6 months of this. I’ve just been diagnosed and started pelvic floor PT a few weeks ago, but I was misdiagnosed for over 4 months and treated with steroids for microscopic colitis, which I do have but was in remission at the time. My original Gi didn’t even look at a CT scan he ordered. When a second GI finally looked at it in December, he found things that led to further treatment/testing that got me to the pelvic floor dyssynergia diagnosis. I was also treated for SIBO for months, which didn’t help. I’m feeling really burned out with going on so many appts and having to endure meds that don’t help, cost a fortune, and cause significant side effects. I literally have had to buy all new clothes b/c nothing fits and sometimes have to resort to maternity clothes. Never mind the abdominal pain daily. I’m just looking for hope that this can improve and that the weekly trips to PT are worth it.

    1. No experience, but I’m always truly amazed at what PT can accomplish. Have worked a few different pelvic floor specialists with my daughter who had various dysfunctions. If you don’t get on with the therapist you’re working with, don’t feel weird about finding someone else. Good luck!

    2. If you’re not happy with your PT, it’s okay to find a new one. Some are much better than others (sounds like the same was true for your GI docs).

      Don’t overlook potential deficiencies that could be playing a role (magnesium, B1, even D). Sometimes healthcare concludes an issue is functional when it’s neuromuscular. It’s not that retraining doesn’t help, but it doesn’t always help enough if there’s an issue with the health of the nerves or what’s happening with nerve transmission that’s not being addressed.

      I don’t know if they also did a gastric emptying test to make sure there isn’t also a gastric emptying issue (it sounds like they probably did if they were thinking about SIBO).

      1. You sound awfully well informed! I hope you’re not also suffering with these issues. I haven’t yet done gastric emptying studies. It was ordered by a second opinion PA I saw at another clinic, but when I saw the third opinion GI (actually the supervising doc of the NP I saw), he said not to bother and ordered the anorectal manometry test that led to the Pelvic floor dyssynergia plus impaired rectal sensation diagnosis. Maybe I should have done it, but I was so burned out with tests at that point, I figured I’d listen to him. They’ve not pursued anymore SIBO tx with the thought that it won’t work until the mechanics of the dyssynergia are improved.

        1. The motility clinic may still want to do an emptying test, or they may feel more confident assessing for slow gastric emptying clinically without the test (wouldn’t that be nice!).

          Nutrition for nerve health and a real prokinetic (e.g. pyridostigmine or Motegrity, not Linzess!) helped me a lot. I still have low stomach acid, can’t have gluten, and have to inject B12, elimination is not what I would call normal, and I’m still in PT, but I have not experienced the actual distention for many years now. It used to be severe (as in, I had to buy maternity clothing). I hope you’ll connect with good care and be feeling much better soon!

          1. How long have you had to do PT? How long did it take for the bloating to go down for you? Your situation seems so close to mine.
            I’ve definitely wondered about nutritional deficiencies, especially b/c of the colitis, but my GI has not been worried about it.
            Honestly, the mental load of this is almost worse than the physical. The distention feels like it leads to a loss of identity in same ways, esp when I can’t wear what I want, eat what want, and don’t want to go out at night b/c I’m so big.

          2. The bloating went down in a matter of weeks once I was on the right treatments, and before I even started the PT! PT has been more of an on and off lifetime thing for me.

            When it comes to nutrition, my view is if you feel any better on a good multivitamin or prenatal vs. off of one, that is probably not a placebo effect. There is a lot of research on the most common deficiencies found in IBD patients generally.

            SIBO can cause false normal B12 levels despite a deficiency which can make testing tricky. If GI is being cavalier about it all, sometimes primary care will be more helpful, or you could see a dietitian? Realistically, if our absorption is affected by our GI conditions, and our diet is limited too, we are not the people public health is talking about when they say that first world patients don’t have to worry about deficiency or take vitamins.

        2. Wow, bloating going down in a couple of weeks would be a dream come true! I appreciate your thoughtful responses.

    3. I have pelvic floor dysfunction, though my issues may be a little different than yours. It’s definitely possible to improve via PT, but it takes time and commitment (do your daily homework like it’s your job). All PT is not equal, so give it a serious go and try with someone else if you graduate PT without much success. I felt like the pepe silvia meme for quite some time, trying to figure out what balance of magnesium, miralax, strength training exercises, mobility exercises, hypopressives, wands, red light therapy, water, fiber, etc worked for me. But I eventually got to a good place. It’s a lonely and weird road but not uncommon.

      1. OP here – Thanks everyone. I definitely like my PT, but I’ve only been 3x so far. She’s the second one I’ve seen. The first told me she didn’t think it could help and didn’t do any evaluation!! I have an appointment with a motility clinic in a few weeks, and I’m hoping they will be more helpful than my usual GI, who’s an IBD specialist. This week’s misery was his prescribing Linzess, which I took for two days and became 7-8 inches distended! When I told him, he told me to take it for a full week! Okay, I’ll just find those professional muumuus to wear to work.

        1. Sometimes trying Linzess before better meds is an insurance thing. The motility clinic will have other medication options for sure.

          2. I think if you can’t tolerate it, you can’t tolerate it. Just so long as that is what makes it into your chart note and not something like non-compliant!

      2. OP again – I just got around to googling that meme, and wowza does that capture my experiences up to this point! It sounds like you’ve had to travel an arduous road to get relief.

    4. I’m not sure this is exactly the same thing but my neighbor had prolapse and got the mesh sling and she is so so happy.

  14. Question for the lawyers:

    I work at a college. I was told that if the college attorney is present during a meeting, it makes that discussion privileged, and that then I (as someone who was participating in the meeting) couldn’t be subpoenaed to testify to anything that went on in the meeting.

    My question: is that accurate? The attorney represents the college, not me; does that change things?

      1. ask the college attorney this question — not whoever told you what they think about privilege.

    2. Gross oversimplification (and no, just like copying an attorney on emails doesn’t make them privileged or attorney work product).

      1. No, attorney client privilege extends to requests for legal advice. To the extent you tell your attorney information and ask for legal advice, that communication is protected.

        1. No, I mean why would a third party who is not the attorney be prohibited from disclosing information by attorney-client privilege.

          1. An employee of the client (in this case, a staff member at a college) is not a third-party to the privilege. Entities operate via their employees, and employees are covered to the extent the conversation is in the scope of their employment.

          2. An employee is not a third party.

            But you’re correct that, generally, the inclusion of a third party in an attorney-client communication breaks privilege. There are exceptions to that, which are largely governed by state law. Like the inclusion of a financial advisor in your meeting with your attorney doesn’t break privilege in most jurisdictions.

          3. So an employer could just bring an attorney into a meeting with an employee and suddenly attorney-client privilege would apply to the employee, who is not an attorney and is not bound by the rules of professional conduct? That makes zero sense. An employer shouldn’t be able to order its non-attorney employees not to testify under subpoena.

          4. With the caveat that this is very much a matter of state or federal law (depending on the court) and is incredibly nuanced: The privilege is “owned” by the corporate entity. It can be waived, but only by someone with authority to do so (so a low-level employee who is privy to privileged information cannot waive it on behalf of the corporation).

            Now that does not stop someone from disclosing it without authority and there would be no legal consequences to that – although it can get you fired. It only prevents the information from being used in court.

            And of course, if an attorney deliberately violates the privilege, they can be disbarred (and sued).

          5. To Anon at 11:36 – that is not really the way it works. First, the privilege does not apply to every meeting that an attorney is at. So if an employer brings an attorney into a meeting with an employee and the purpose of the meeting is to fire or discipline the employee (which no competent HR person or attorney would ever recommend because it makes the attorney a witness), that meeting does not magically become privileged. It is probably the most common misconception about the privilege among non-attorneys – just adding your lawyer to an email in which you are not seeking legal advice does not make that email privileged.

            But if you are an employee and you attend a meeting with the company’s attorney for purposes of developing legal strategy for the company and then decide you want to testify about what was discussed at the meeting, then (1) very generally and with some exceptions a court is not going to admit that testimony into evidence over an objection even if it was elicited at a deposition and (2) you are going to get fired. Now there are all kinds of exceptions and whole books have been written about them (google Crime-Fraud Exception for example) and if you are actually in that situation, then consult your own (not the company’s) attorney in your jurisdiction.

    4. To the last part of your question – An entity like a university or a corporation can only act through natural humans. As an employee of the university, you are one of the natural humans through whom the entity acts. An attorney representing the university can have privileged discussions with the natural humans who act on the university’s behalf, like you.

      You are correct that the attorney represents the university, not you personally. If you personally have a different interest to be protected than the university, then you might consider having your own attorney. For example, if your boss tells you you’re fired because you’re a woman, the university can’t call its lawyer into a meeting with you and now you can’t talk about your claim against the university because it’s privileged. Your interest is directly opposed to the university and you’re entitled to your own counsel. But say, the school was audited and the auditors want to talk to you as part of their investigation, the meeting with the attorney to prepare you for that meeting with the auditors is probably privileged.

      Whether a particular communication is protected by the attorney-client privilege is more nuanced.

    5. In addition to the fact that it way oversimplifies attorney-client privilege (which may or may not apply to the meeting, depending on the content of the discussion), it also ways oversimplifies subpoenas.

      You could still be subpoenaed. The college may have grounds to quash the subpoena, but many courts would still make you appear for a deposition and the college’s attorney who could assert privilege in response to specific questions.

      It sounds like your actual question is whether the college’s attorney represents you. The attorney doesn’t represent you individually. But to the extent that a subpoena or suit is about actions you took in the course of your employment, the attorney would likely be representing the college and you, for actions in the scope of your employment.

    7. The advice is so oversimplified as to be useless.

      If the attorney is present at the meeting, whomever is taking notes should note that the attorney is present, and put somewhere on the notes that the person is an attorney. (This helps in later doc reviews. People come and go, but anything with “attorney” gets flagged.)

      It’s entirely possible that the conversation isn’t privileged to begin with (is not seeking or providing legal advice or in anticipation of litigation), or privilege is broken (third party present during the discussion or the discussion is later relayed to third parties).

      If – IF – litigation arises and you are asked to testify, the attorneys who are handling the litigation would prep you for depositions and advise you on what you can and cannot say. They would object if the questions ask for privileged information.

      Again, best thing that you can all do is to keep good notes and be cognizant of including attendees and their roles in the university. Years down the road, that is how outside counsel would figure out if the conversation was privileged or not.

    8. IIRC, it’s not a blanket privilege situation, it depends on what is being discussed and why the meeting was called.

    1. Better late than never, AMA. Feminists have only been raising these concerns and being told they’re just hateful bigots for 15 years now.

      It’s been interesting to see the evolution of this issue on this s1te. The tide has shifted very noticeably in the last year or two.

      1. You (collectively) are being told you’re hateful bigots because you’re being hateful bigots. It’s possible to raise concerns about gender-related surgeries for minors without also being a bigot.

        I really can’t figure out why the persistent group of TERFs who read here feel like this is an issue we all need to discuss on a near-daily basis. Your insistence on dragging everyone into your grievance-fueled drama is tedious.

        1. We’ve been called bigots for raising those concerns in kind and compassionate ways, yes. I make no secret of that fact that I think it’s been a horrible societal mistake to sterilize young teens and prevent their brains and bones from developing. We haven’t resorted to constant ad hominem attacks like your side. Doesn’t that reveal the weakness in your arguments more than anything else?

          1. This is such dramatic language. BCP sterilizes young teens and prevents brain and bones from developing normally, and affects way more people.

          2. Um, birth control pills literally do not sterilize girls or women. That is a wild take.

          3. I don’t think teens should be getting BCP either because of the side effects.

        2. I’m not a TERF. I’m an adult who was depressed in high school and would’ve given anything not to be a young woman anymore, because I would’ve given anything to not be me. Thank god bulimia and cutting were the trendy outlets for severe teenage depression then, and thank god my doctors didn’t tell me that some people used cutting or vomiting as a valid way to dissociate from the pain of being a teenage girl.

          Adults can do whatever they want. I don’t care. I was a kid who would’ve gotten sucked into this, and I am glad doctors are no longer doing surgeries on kids when there is limited evidence of benefit and some evidence of harm.

          1. I have a teen and this is exactly what is happening with their peers–it’s the currently trendy way of expressing self-hatred.

    2. Huh? I have seen people complain here that the NYT and other major national outlets don’t cover important stories, but I have not seen anyone claim that it’s not news unless the NYT prints it.

      1. Well, you can look back about three days and find someone who thought that the NYT not covering something that the NYPo and WaPo were covering meant that it wasn’t actually important.

    3. Ugh seriously? It’s annoying when people post something vague without a summary, link, or mention of the source. No one said NYT is the only valid source. The point is that it’s not a widely publicized story yet so you should tell us where we can quickly find the information.

      1. I am going to take a deep breath and assume good intentions. Does your browser prevent you from seeing links? Because OP literally included a link to the story in question in her original comment.

        1. This whole thing is a distraction. The important thing is that the institutional capture on this issue is finally crumbling. Kids will benefit so immensely.

          2. In the thousands – estimates are imprecise due to differences in payers and out-of-pocket procedures.

          3. I always wonder how many in those numbers were also intersex in some way. It’s a lot easier to consent to reassignment surgery as a teen than it is weeks after birth. It’s known that pediatricians operating on infants ca get it wrong as become clear when puberty heads a different direction than they anticipated. It’s also known that this history doesn’t always appear clearly in medical records.

          5. When a doctor assigns you M or F at birth incorrectly, it does not therefore follow that a diagnosis appears in your chart.

      2. There is literally a link in the comment.

        Someone claimed that because the NYT didn’t cover the $2m malpractice suit but WaPo/NYPost did, it clearly wasn’t that important. Comment said something like “jury trials are so fact specific” and “if it were significant, the NYT would be covering it.” Happened within the last week.

        1. The jury trial you are referring to was a malpractice case. The doctors at issue did not follow established protocol. It was not about whether gender-related surgeries for minors are never appropriate.

          1. The point is that plenty of doctors have not been following established protocol on this issue.

    4. I find it so odd that a significant number of people (including commenters here) spend so much mental energy on this topic, when presumably it does not affect them or their families (and affects such a tiny, tiny percentage of people in general). I would love to hear from someone on this site who has actual, direct experience with this, but if not, it just comes off as needless fear mongering driven by hate.

      1. I’ve never understood this argument that people are only allowed to care about things that directly affect them. That’s simply not how I live my life. I vote and make decisions based on factors affecting other people too.

      2. See my comment above about being a depressed teenager who would’ve LOVED to have doctors do literally anything to make puberty less mentally awful for me. I absolutely would’ve believed I wasn’t a woman because becoming a woman was such a hellish experience that I thought surely it couldn’t be right. Like I said, thank god I was limited to the sorts of self harm that I could do to myself and I couldn’t get an adult with a prescription pad or scalpel to indulge me in destroying myself.

  16. I would argue that being uncomfortable in your own body is a reality for most teenagers. it is therefore really important to delay surgery until adulthood

    1. Everyone I know who got surgery before adulthood specifically in order to confirm better to gender norms was cis. I am not sure if we really want to say that nothing should be addressed till adulthood.

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