Thursday’s Workwear Report: Bow Blouse
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This blouse from Ann Taylor hits the exact right balance of being feminine without being overly juvenile. The fabric looks beautiful, and the coffee brown color will be gorgeous for any season. I’m tempted to also grab this polka-dotted skirt in the same color for an easy spring outfit.
The top is $98 at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes XXS-XXL.
Sales of note for 2/6:
- Nordstrom – End of Season Sale — winter styles up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – End of season sale, up to 70% off original prices — plus extra 25% off your $175+ purchase.
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off + extra 15% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance up to 70% off
- Elie Tahari – Great sale, up to 60% off! This reader-favorite sleeveless silk blouse is down to $50 from $198
- Express – $40 off $120, $75 off $200 (online only).
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter classics, + extra 30% off sale styles with code
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + extra 50% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Valentine's sale, up to 50% off — reader favorites include this laptop tote, this backpack, and this crossbody
- M.M.LaFleur – Save up to 70% off, dozens of styles now on clearance. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Neiman Marcus – New sale arrivals, up to 40% off. You can also earn a $35-$700 gift card with purchase of $250-$3000.
- Talbots – Free shipping on $150+, and members earn 3X style points.
I wrote almost exactly two years ago about our senior dog Paulie with severe separation anxiety. We recently sent Paulie to doggie heaven at the ripe old age of 16. We spent tens or thousands of dollars on pet sitters and a huge part of our emotional wherewithal making sure this little creature lived the best life possible. And when the time came, we had in home euthanasia and a very peaceful passing. Despite the fact that objectively, Paulie was not a very well behaved or well adjusted dog, there were many moments of sweetness and I loved my fur baby.
I think Paulie had a turbulent previous life which contributed to the anxiety. At the end of this all, I am SO glad that we stuck it out and provided our doggie with 6 years of gold plated retirement until spinal issues became untenable and QoL started to decline. This dog was never left alone, had 1-3 hours of walks daily, and slept on a choice of down pillows in our bed. I feel good that we did right by Paulie.
Also not getting a dog again… for a long time.
I am heartbroken for your loss, and so very glad to hear that you were able to ensure Paulie enjoyed a glorious retirement.
You mentioned it only briefly, but I want to give another shout-out to in-home euthanasia for senior pets, it was miles easier for my mom and her cat when the time came.
I’m sorry for your loss. You gave him a wonderful life, and you should feel very, very proud of that.
Lost my cat under similar circumstances two weeks ago and I am so so so sad. I know it was time but still. She was a tough pet a lot of the time but I still miss her so much.
I’m sorry for your loss.It sounds like you did everything you could to provide a loving home while this dog was yours. I have rescued a number of dogs and loved them all, but one that stands out in my memory is a dog that was emotionally scarred (sweet but scared). You truly saved a life.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for doing more than right by Paulie.
Your dog was so lucky to have you. You made sure he had a wonderful life. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss but know that you are a wonderful and kind person. You’re little Paulie was lucky to have you and to have the life you gave her. <3
I’m very sorry for your loss. What a gift you gave Paulie (and I’m sure he was a gift to you).
I don’t know anything about how to buy a house. I don’t really understand mortgages – all my friends talk about putting down single digit thousands, but then the internet assumes I will have a 20% down payment. Is there a simple book or website that is current than can teach me this stuff?
Unless you qualify for some sort of support program, the gist of it is that the less you put down the higher your interest rate (and thus the higher your monthly payments).
Back in the dark ages, we bought our home with zero down for a reasonable interest rate thanks to our state’s rural development program and some FHA offerings. I have no idea if those are still around, but they also came with stipulations on selling within a certain number of years (like, there was a laddered up/laddered down amount that we would have to pay back if we sold within 10 years…2k in year one, up to 10k in year 5, back down to 2k in year 10 or something like that). We’ve been in the house for 20 years so it never factored in for us, but the programs we used were the only way we could actually buy a house. Rent was too high for us to be able to save meaningfully towards a down payment, although we could (and obviously have) afford the monthly mortgage once we got past that down payment hurdle.
Bogleheads has this
House Buying for Dummies was surprisingly useful
Also if you have a local bank ofr credit union (even if you’re not a member) they may put on ‘house buying 101’ classes. My FIL pushed me to do one and it was SO helpful to understand the money part of buying and owning.
unlike the below recommendation – I would NOT talk to a RE agent about this because their incentives are completely different. They want you to buy a house (esp when you’re buying without selling – they work much less) so they get commission, they don’t GAF how you’re going to pay for it after closing. Engage with the money people first.
There’s Home Buying for Dummies, I guess, but bear in mind that while some things are universal there’s also a LOT of variance in actual details as to what’s commonly done in your local area. For example, lawyers may or may not be involved, waiving inspections may or may not be deal breakers, realtor commissions, etc. In addition to general research, I would talk with a couple of trusted local friends who have gone through the process, or maybe a couple of realtors about what to expect.
Your friends are lying to you or buying very cheap houses. No one is buying a SFH in most of America with $9k out of pocket.
Right. If they’re talking about saving up in the single digits, I would assume they’re getting family help or something. It’s not 2003 anymore.
Even in 2003 people weren’t doing that. I bought my first place then and put 20% down.
I think I put 10% down in 2003, which granted was on the low side and still would’ve been around $15K.
I bought in 2008 with 3% down in a HCOL (for us, 3% was about $10k). That was with the first time homebuyer tax credit + PMI on the loan.
That isn’t meant to be any sort of brag, just a FWIW that it was very possible after 2003.
We were salary high but savings poor and wanted to get out of the high cost rental market asap. Our mortgage was something like $2500 vs our rent which was $3k++
10:53, that’s where we were at, too.
I bought my current house in 2003 & was only able to put 20% down due to equity in my first house (1000 sq ft!), which I bought with 10% down.
Even for someone like me who is a relatively high earner, home ownership would have been out of reach if the 20% down rule was hard and fast. Not all of us have parental help.
Yeah I live in a very LCOL area (small city Midwest) and I still can’t imagine buying a home with a four figure downpayment. I guess some of the cheapest homes here are under $200k and some people buy with 10% down, but that’s still $20k.
VA loans for veterans are 0% (IF you can find a seller in a competitive market willing to accept the more stringent inspection requirements). FHA loans are 3% down and IIRC anybody qualifies for those. USDA rural loans are another fantastic program – you’d be surprised what qualifies as “rural.” Plenty of state/local governments have programs to help with down payments as well (e.g., Connecticut has an entire state-backed “bank” (not a real bank) to help first-time homebuyers).
Good luck!!
We’re putting down 40%. We can afford that more than we can afford an insane monthly payment. *cries in Bay Area 1-bedroom with a toddler*
Why not just keep the excess 20% and drain it slowly to top up your monthly payment? That’s what we’re doing — 20% down even though we have the resources to put more like 80% down. I’d rather have the cash for an emergency roof repair, etc., but in the interim, we’re just going to take $2k of it out each month to subsidize the payment. I got laid off right before the holidays, so we are asset rich and cash poor at the moment, but the whole point of assets is that you can pay yourself a monthly salary if you need one.
Asset rich and salary poor is what I meant!
Not all realtors are created equal, of course, but if you find a good one (I would ask friends and colleagues for recommendations) they’ll walk you through the process and answer your questions. They’ll also know a lot about local norms – for example I live in a state where people offer due diligence and earnest money with offers and our realtor knew how to best position us with that in mind.
No, OP, do not talk to a realtor for this without first educating yourself. Realtors are incentivized via commission to sell houses. They are not fiduciaries and do not have your best interests in mind.
lol, you can talk to a realtor without signing anything, and this is a weirdly cynical take.
You can also play Monopoly and should give it similar credence to speaking with a realtor for advice about how mortgages work.
I live in a HCOL area. I don’t know anywho who has purchased in the last 2 years or so. But most everyone I know who purchased in the 5 or 10 years before that put about 10% down. You are still talking about 100k, but that’s a lot more doable than 200k
I’m surprised no one has mentioned this, but if you put down less than 20%, most banks will require you to have private mortgage insurance (“PMI”) which is not the type of insurance that protects your property in case of fires, floods etc. Instead, it pays the bank. PMI comes at an additional cost which can add hundreds to your monthly payment-which is why people ask family for gifts or try to find other ways to come up with a 20% down payment.
I’m always surprised when people share that PMI is that expensive for them. I bought my first townhouse for $120K in 2009 with 3.5% down. My PMI started out around $60 and dropped down to $40ish by the time I sold in 2018. I put 5% down on the $270K house I bought in 2018 and it was likewise around $50 for the first few years until it dropped off due to appreciation. I much preferred paying $2500 over a few years than coming up with another $13K at purchase time. What is PMI costing other people monthly?
I don’t believe that PMI falls off on all mortgages. On the first house we bought/first mortgage we held, PMI stayed consistent on all of our payments through the life of the loan. It was more than 25% of the monthly payment. We used a different lender when we bought the house we live in now and the PMI decreased like you’re describing.
It doesn’t automatically fall off. You generally have to refinance and prove your equity has grown to more than 20%.
I don’t mean this to be snobby, but most people here aren’t buying $120k townhouses or $270k SFHs. This board skews wealthy and also towards HCOL and VHCOL places. I’d assume the median home purchase price here is at least $750k. (Honestly, I’m jealous you live somewhere where those housing prices exist!)
No, I get it, but that’s why I was curious about what people are actually paying. I’m in a LCOL large Midwest city.
i was expecting it to be much more, but my pmi is around $150/month..and i only put 5% down on a $900k SFH. i was also surprised to see that putting more $ down did not lower the interest rate in my case.
We bought our home in 2006 for $110k with zero down. PMI for us was about $60 per month. Since we were making a combined gross HHI of about $30k the year we bought, that was a huge chunk of our budget. I understand why lenders require it, but for people who are financially responsible but whose life circumstances haven’t let them accrue wealth, those sorts of extra costs can be a real barrier to participation.
The month we had paid enough on our mortgage to request the PMI be removed, we did. It would have remained on for well over another year if we had let it ride until it was required to fall off. All in, we paid about $6k in PMI payments before we were able to drop it 8 years in.
We put about 10% down on our first house and paid the PMI. Our house appreciated significantly, and we were able to refi and get rid of PMI within a few years. We had enough cash to pay the 20% if we had had to, but we instead were able to use the extra cash to pay for blinds, etc. for our house. 10% down was still like $40k.
For our second house, I don’t remember exactly how much we put down, but we ran into the concept of a “jumbo” mortgage. If your mortgage is for greater than X amount, you end up with a higher mortgage rate. X is decided based on the market you are in. Learning this caused us to lower our budget for a house so that we would not end up with an increased mortgage rate.
Your mortgage person should be able to explain all this to you.
Sites likes Zillow and Redfin have lots of article content on this type of thing.
I put 5% down with a first time homebuyer program. In my town/county/state, there are different programs that have varying credit score/income requirements to help first time buyers get their home. Mine had a $10,000 grant attached for the down payment with a 10-year commitment. It is waived at the end of that 10 years.
The downside of that program really is that it doesn’t allow you to borrow in a home equity or HELOC scenario for the life of that loan. And if you sell, you have to pay it back but you would probably have made $10,000 in equity anyway. However, I wouldn’t have had family money or anything like it to buy otherwise. They did require a home buying class which was really eye opening.
When I bought my house 20 years ago, we were able to have a down payment lower than 20% because we took out a second mortgage on top of the first. We financed about 90% of the purchase price that way and paid off the second quickly. I don’t know it this is still an option.
You’ve gotten good advice re: the Dummies book and trying to see if your local credit union has any first time homebuyer’s classes.
I am chiming in to say I am another person who has never put 20% down and I am on house no 3. I put 3.5% down and pay PMI. I live in a LCOL area so this is all NBD and PMI is like $40/mo. It also didn’t impact my interest rate. I got a low rate on a 20 yr fixed. I bought my current house in 2024.
I needed a bunch of cash when I bought my current house to replace things and make repairs so it was better for me to do it this way for that reason also.
my husband has a writing residency in Vermont in a few weeks. any ideas for a birthday gift related to that I could get him? I’m guessing it’ll be cold and he’ll be in some kind of cabin? thanks!
A USB warming vest? Also does he have a fountain pen habit? Or should he have one? I love my fountain pen.
The warming vest is great, especially for someone sitting at a desk. Related warmth thoughts thoughts: an Ember coffee mug or Willowace alpaca socks.
ooh I love the warming vest idea! unfortunately he’s not a pen guy…
This genuinely made me smile. We’re buried in 50 cm of snow here in New England so the warming vest is perfect!
Yes! The Ororo heated hoodies are really nice too.
An Irish aran sweater. With a shawl collar. He’ll be warm *and* nailing the Vermont writer vibes *and* it will last forever as a reminder of the experience. The Vermont Country Store sells a few, but a quick go ogle reveals a lot of other sources. Bought my DH one from—I think?—The Irish Store a few years back.
Insulated tumbler or tea or coffee with a symbol of Vermont on it, as a souvenir? A cozy travel throw blanket?
Is he a sweater wearer? A fair isle wool sweater is a New England classic. You could go with fair isle socks if he wants to be more discreet. Sheepskin-lined slippers. Anything from the Vermont Country Store or LL Bean.
I have a comment in mod, but aran Irish sweater
Good slippers with some tread on the bottom?
Is this at the Vermont Studio Center? If so I have been there! It is cold, but the buildings were pretty well heated (I was there in Feb, coming from NYC). I’m not sure what the writing studios are like, but the artist housing is rooms in shared houses, and then you have separate studio spaces. I mug warmer is a nice idea, or maybe some fancy consumables.
Gift basket of goodies? Extra long laptop charger, snacks, cozy socks, etc. Or noise canceling headphones?
Heated desk pad?
Journal/notepad?
I’ve attended week-long writing retreats. The most wonderful thing my husband did for me was get everything ready to go that we already had in the house and shop for a few more things. So he prepped a bag with my favorite snacks, fruit, etc., and a cooler with my favorite drinks and other refrigerated stuff all ready to go (this worked because I was driving there). He made sure my insulated travel mug was packed, bottles of water, stuff like that. This allowed me to focus on getting my writing supplies ready. As a birthday gift, if he doesn’t use pens and prefers pencils, Blackwing pencils are really great especially if you know what lead hardness he likes. Blackwing also makes a pencil extender and a special sharpener.
Fannie Mae has a first time home buyer course for free
Is it focused on acquiring a mortgage or does it cover other aspects too?
Maybe I missed it – have we talked about the Epstein drop? For some reason I’ve been seeing a lot about the wellness influencers like Attia and Huberman.
The rot goes so deep. I never want to hear about accusations ruining a man’s life again. These men have gotten away with it for too long already.
Agree. Also, those wellness dudes always creeped me out.
Deepak Chopra is another wellness guru who is all over the files and clearly participated in the assault of minors. “ She was so innocent…” “Cute girls are real…” “Enjoyed watching you move in on your prey…” and even more damning statements.
Gross. I don’t know this particular grifter but gross. I’m extremely into heath and fitness but I hate any kind of “wellness.” Anyone who claims that they have the secret to longevity and health outside of the boring basics is a creep. Including the white lady yoga guru my mil literally worships. Barf.
Ugh. This is so gross (and did not cross my social media, so thank you for flagging)
Paul Weiss getting raked over the coals in multiple ways…
I’m trying to avoid anything that would give me nightmares. But the 4chan and reddit connections (a meeting with moot the day before /pol started? Ghislaine’s modding?) are a little haunting to me after seeing the offline effects of those communities.
How about the disclosure of child p*rn photos in the drop? The total incompetence of the doc review to remove victim identities? Weaponized incompetence.
As someone who did a lot of privilege review in my early career, the level of incompetence is honestly amazing. We bash AI (rightly in some spheres), but it would have done a better job than this. Heck – a competent Adobe user could have done better in less time.
I am a tiny bit concerned about the on-line discourse about people “being in the Epstein files” when a close review shows that the involvement was tangential at best (the fact that Russel Wilson had to issue a statement because his name was apparently floated as a potential buyer for a plane Epstein was selling through a broker is honestly ridiculous)
Ugh, why am I not surprised about those two
need some tips for having a conversation with my 76.5 year old father who lives on the east coast while I live in the midwest. my mom passed away in 2019, but my dad is still generally healthy, works part-time (to stay busy, not for the money). last summer he stayed with my family (me, DH, 2 kids) for almost 3 weeks to have a shoulder replacement. leading up to the surgery/in the planning stages he said he was going to have the surgery near us, but rent an apartment nearby. then suddenly, he said he wasn’t going to do that and wanted to stay with us for 6 weeks, and we said no, and ended up on almost 3 weeks. even at the initial stages i offered to come stay with him for a period of time, DH said he would take a turn staying with him, etc. the whole thing was very stressful. now he is going to have this hand surgery to help with arthritis in his hand and after the last surgery we told him that for any future procedures, we would be very happy to come to help him and figure out how he can hire help (money is not at all an issue, he has plenty). he sort of sneakily scheduled an appointment with a surgeon where I live and when on the phone I told him that he could not have the surgery here but that we’d be happy to come take turns staying with him and helping him arrange the logistics, he got all mad and basically said “well then i can’t have the surgery” and practically hung up on me. I cannot have him stay with us for another extended period of time. as he gets older i realize more health issues will arise and this cannot be how it is managed. he claims he isn’t depressed, but i think is still kind of salty that his ‘golden years’ haven’t turned out how he had hoped due to the death of my mom. he has a million friends where he lives, though most are still coupled. i do not come from a culture where having a grandparent live with you is typical. i don’t think any of my grandparents ever visited for more than 4 nights and there is no way on earth my parents would’ve had them live in our home. i anticipate a series of very very very unpleasant conversations. any tips to stay calm or to try not to take super personally when my dad basically tries to make me feel like a terrible person.
Wow. I do not understand your stance.
Why can’t he stay with you? Just the general principle of your private space? Is there a reason besides “I don’t want to” and “general inconvenience”?
why can’t he stay with me for 6 weeks? we have two elementary kids, one who is neurodivergent and it is hard to parent with an ‘audience’ and it is very hard for her, our house is not really conducive to having someone stay with us for that long with maintaining any sense of privacy, we don’t really have the bandwidth to provide care/help on a daily basis, i am not really comfortable helping my dad with like dressing/bathing if needed, DH has a big job with a lot of travel and doesn’t want company when he is home and honestly neither do i, there are days when we are all out of the house from 8-6 or later and so i can’t be there to really help him anyway. it doesn’t seem like a good plan going forward to have him come stay with us for medical issues.
Your father is not company invading your privacy
WHAT? Yes, he absolutely is. OP, stick to your guns.
She already did a 3-week stint and decided it did not work for her family!
You could still have him stay with you (and suck it up) but hire an aide during the day. The aide could help with bathing.
Though there comes a part in every eldercare cycle where the children do have to step into roles, like bathing, that they’re uncomfortable with. Thats life. We’ve all been there.
I hear all of this, and would feel similarly.
Maybe he can stay with Anon at 10:15 ;-) JUST KIDDING
I am not that Anon but please do not assume that people posting her that OP should suck it up and help her father have not been in that position or offered that kind of help. Because many of us have.
I would never in a million years dream of refusing to host a parent having a surgical procedure, and I say that as someone who had a fraught relationship with my father.
Anon@11:54 well you are clearly just a better person than the rest of us. Congrats.
12:49–she doesn’t have to be. We can all try to be good people.
Agree with 1:03. Provided our parents, other relatives, friends, and heck strangers aren’t shitty people… shouldn’t we all do whatever we can to make them as comfortable as possible?
Agree with 1:03 and posts like this REALLY make me realize how different my outlook on life is from most of this board.
I truly believe that our purpose on this earth is to help others, even at our own inconvenience
“This thread has made me realize how my actions I claim I take online are superior to everyone else’s” made me roll my eyes out of my head. You guys are something else.
1:27… there’s aren’t actions I claim I take online… that is actually how I live my life! And I think the world would be a much better place if more people tried that.
“Provided our parents, other relatives, friends, and heck strangers aren’t shitty people… shouldn’t we all do whatever we can to make them as comfortable as possible?”
I am not taking a position on OP’s dilemma. But while this take sounds nice, it’s actually absurd. Are you really advocating that we should simply have no boundaries and devote all our resources to maximizing the comfort of literally anyone else? Surely not.
1:56, in a time of need, yes.
2:37 – So if *anyone else* is in a vaguely defined “time of need,” women’s boundaries should evaporate and we most devote all of our resources to maximizing their wellbeing? No, I don’t accept that, and I don’t believe you do either.
Genuinely, what boundaries exist that keep you from helping a loved one in need? Maybe they need to be re-examined.
just want to say hugs to you OP. when my mother was ill my siblings and I got a lot of “why can’t she move in with you” despite the facts that we both had children under two, big jobs, spouses who worked, and i lived 200 miles away in an apartment. your reasons are valid, you are doing the best you can.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – if your personal elder care plan is to move in with your daughter no matter what her own life and preferences look like, you need a new plan.
Moving in permanently is very different from moving in for less than two months.
It’s moving in for a second time and who knows how many future surgeries or procedures. People who are approaching 80 often have a lot of health issues. It’s wildly disingenuous to act like this is a one time thing.
I suppose he deserves the child he raised.
Hire help if you need it, but not helping your elderly father (who has not been abusive/cruel towards you) recover for a finite period after a medical procedure is wild to me.
This this this
I totally get why he can’t stay with you. But he has the money- if being close is important, can he stay in an apartment near you for the 6 weeks where he has hired help come in?
I think this is a decent compromise, however, if he’s staying elsewhere OP would have to make an effort to visit with him and that might be too much for her.
If he’s staying with them (with a day nurse) at least family dinner and hanging out in the evenings is built in – she doesn’t have to go anywhere
Are you illiterate? She literally said in the OP that she has offered to go to him and help with absolutely everything.
Clearly I’m literate.
I presumed that if she went to him to assist it would not be for the 6 weeks. Because, as so many have stated, with a very important big job and kids thats an unreasonable request. I’m sure she really meant she’d be there for a day or two and then jet off again
I posted below about hiring a nurse to help in OP’s home, but this is actually a good suggestion too if OP really doesn’t want her dad in the house.
…I didn’t realize that there was a single culture where it’s abnormal for a grandparent to live with you?
My family is the whitest of white and grandparents living with the family has always happened.
There really isn’t. It’s a part of the human condition for families to band as a unit, not to shed the unit that birthed them as soon as convenient–that part is newer.
I think she meant “family culture” more than race/ethnicity. I would balk at this, not because I’m white but because elderly grandparents went to nursing homes in both DH’s and my family going back multiple generations. You can’t expect your kids to do this if you don’t model it.
My family culture would not include this. We are also super white, and there is plenty of money, so elders receive the best possible housing and care that literally hundreds of thousands of dollars per year can buy, but that care and housing is not ever provided by family.
Same. Professional care is better, in addition to being easier on the caregiving family. No one I know with money wants their adult daughter wiping their butt.
Most people don’t have these resources. They would have more options if they did.
But OP’s dad does have these resources…
Yeah, my grandparents went into very nice care facilities in their (very healthy, active) mid 80s. But, before that, in their 70s and early 80s, there were a handful of major medical events that occurred. They were well enough to live independently, but needed temporary very hands on help. And their children and grandchildren jumped to do whatever was needed to help them. Because we loved them.
There’s full time care, which is taxing and not ideal if there’s an alternative (but the alternative is expensive and many cannot afford) and then there’s “helping dad recover from surgery for 6 weeks” which is a VERY reasonable ask.
Not OP, and love my family, but if this were me it wouldn’t happen because my house cannot host an elderly person with any sort of mobility issues because we don’t have a spare room, we only have one bathroom that isn’t compatible with accessibility needs, and there are many stairs.
Same with the challenging house and one bathroom, but I suppose if we were the only option, my husband and I would sleep on the couch while our parent recuperated in the bedroom. They wouldn’t like it, but the option would be there.
In our house, the only bedrooms are up two flights of stairs. The entire ground level is open concept, with the exception of our single awkward bathroom and the utility closet. Ain’t nowhere for gramps to sleep unless it’s a cot in the center of the kitchen.
Unless you’re essentially estranged from your father because he was abusive or otherwise terrible, I think you’re being a bad daughter.
An older widower wants to recover from surgery with family nearby to help? Super normal.
Logistically, wouldnt it be easier for him to come to you rather than you go to him? Hand surgery recovery takes a long time. He’ll likely need help with ADLs for a while.
Not that parents raise children so they’ll have help in old age … but, after all of the times he took care of you when you were sick growing up you can’t pay it forward now?
I hope you have a sibling so your father has a helpful adult child. But also, if you do, I feel for your sibling because I’m sure they’ll be stuck with too much responsibility since you’re so unwilling to help
You’re being a total a-hole to a complete stranger. Nice.
And the OP is being an a hole to her dad
No, she literally isn’t. You guys are the only ones.
She needs to be told.
Nothing she said warranted that response.
Better than being an a-hole to your own father!
This is a wild take. OP isn’t telling him he’s on his own. She offered to travel to him and arrange care with a qualified individual. She learned from experience that having him move in doesn’t work for her family. On top of that her dad has proven that he’ll manipulate her and lie about his plans.
OP, next time you talk tell him he’ll have the help he needs to recover and you’ll visit so he won’t be alone. But he can’t dictate that the care has to be performed by you in your own home. You’ll make sure he gets what he needs but he may not get everything he wants.
100%.
Your children are watching.
this!
If it were me, I’d love for my children to see my helping my dad (just like in the past) while also not being a doormat to someone emotionally manipulating me. Trust me, I wouldn’t lose any sleep.
Exactly! Don’t model being a doormat for your kids.
I’m guessing OP doesn’t expect to move in with her kids. I certainly don’t. We save as much as we do for requirement precisely because we want to avoid the situation of not having enough money for eldercare and needing to lean on our kids for either money or hands on help.
Sure–good planning is important, but life can throw curveballs and you may need help. Raise children who will step up if needed.
this isn’t moving in! It’s helping recover after surgery
Sure, the best planning can go awry, and I’m sure the responses would be quite different if her dad was destitute because he’d been swindled post-retirement by a Madoff type character. But he has money. He needs to use it. There is zero need for an adult child to be doing this level of caregiving in this situation, and unless OP expects this of her own children someday (which I doubt) there’s nothing hypocritical here.
Families are different and a lot of people here are acting like their family’s way is the only right way. My parents didn’t do this type of caregiving for their parents, I won’t do it for them – barring extraordinary unforseen circumstances – and I don’t expect my kids to do it for me. That’s ok and it doesn’t mean we don’t love each other, even if it’s not what your family would do.
My parents had PLENTY of money, but didn’t like to spend it. I’m guessing your father is similar as in “why spend money on hired help when my DD can do it”. It infuriated me that in their late 80s/90s they were still trying to do everything themselves: cleaning, shopping, driving, etc. The reason wasn’t just to stay active, but not to “waste money” on help, when (did I mention) they had PLENTY and I would be happy even if they had spent my inheritance making their lives easier. (They also didn’t like having strangers (hired help) in their house, which might also be your father’s objection.
Wow. My stiff upper lip WASP family would never, ever do this. I thought we were the coldest culture but clearly I’m wrong.
I see both of your perspectives. Do you have siblings? Is all of this falling to you because you’re the daughter? Or are you an only child?
We wouldn’t be happy if one of our parents came to stay with us for 6 weeks, but we would do it because that’s what you do for family. I’ve seen many many friends have to host parents for far longer than they thought they would due to health issues. There are some setups where it’s more comfortable for all — a separate entrance or like an in-law shed in the back. With his money is there any chance you could add something like that? I am parent to a ND kid also, one who probably won’t ever live independently, so we’re already thinking about that sort of situation as being ideal for him and us.
I think you need to focus on your reasons with your dad beyond “don’t wanna” (although that is a valid reason, I guess).
– The house is too small and it’s disruptive to your child, who is less flexible than typical kids.
– Your husband travels for work frequently so you’re already overwhelmed with parent/house stuff in his absence.
– You’re not comfortable bathing your dad or helping him with that stuff, and/or you think he needs more qualified help to assist him with recovery.
– Your home isn’t large enough to host both him and qualified help.
How big is your house? Do you have a basement or other area he can stay that is mostly out of your way? If so, can you let him come, but hire a nurse to handle the day to day care (that he pays for since you said money is not an issue), so at least you are absolved of that duty?
… and if your house isn’t that big Whats the point of having “big jobs”?
Especially in the Midwest!
.
eh – we have a 4500 square foot house in the midwest but it would be very uncomfortable for a parent to stay with us because of the layout. all showers are on the upstairs floor and for some reason the kids use the guest shower more than the jack and jill shower. but having a huge basement or gathering room doesn’t help with people staying (lol back to open floor plan discussions yesterday) if people are staying with you.
Yeah because the kids couldn’t use the jack and jill shower instead of the guest shower while Grandpa is visiting? He’s having hand surgery… nothing to suggest he couldn’t go up and down stairs.
just to be clear, i made the 1:14 comment about a big house not necessarily being conducive to long term guests, but I’m not the OP. (but yes the kids could use the jack and jill, i’m just saying it’s like new roommates not like they’re in some other wing with separation of space.)
… no one expects a separate wing? A guest room (makeshift even) and access to a full bath is all that is needed
this is beyond an obnoxious comment. there are people with big jobs who live in apartments. many areas of hte country there are no basements or space for people to have privacy. if OP is out of the house for 10 hours a day, what kind of help will she be providing anyway. she can’t be expected to be hoome to make dinner for him every night or something.
I mean the kids and OP and her husband are eating somehow… they can do that with grandpa
This comment doesn’t make any sense. Big jobs are usually in HCOL areas where even very rich people live in townhouses or small homes. I have a giant house in the cheap Midwest but it’s not because I have a “big job”… it’s because I live in the middle of nowhere.
She said she’s in the Midwest, and she didn’t say she had a townhouse. Even in Chicago, two big jobs likely means she has at least 3,000 sq. ft.
Not in the city limits of Chicago! And she just said her DH has a big job. Not two big jobs.
The complete unwillingness to imagine circumstances other than one’s own in this thread is astonishing.
Most accurate comment on this thread.
I’m picturing dad down in the well from Silence of the Lambs 😂
Chiming in here to balance the responses- there’s a lot of “how is this NOT something you can do?!” but OP- this is not at all something that this would work for my family. I’m one of a couple kids and my parents are divorced. My mom has, in the past, done a similar thing in terms of assuming I’ll be at her service for her medical needs. Our relationship is…not that at all. We have never really gotten along and now that she’s in her 70s, she’s decided that her most successful, pulled-together child is the default for her long term plan. That’s not at all happening. Yes, she’s my mom and she raised me until I was 18/19. We basically did not have anything to do with eachother for the next 20 years and somehow she’s surprised I’m not not ready to rekindle our relationship to be her retirement plan? No thanks.
I cannot believe these responses. He has money. He needs to hire help in his own home.
The societal expectations of current adults (gen X) are ridiculous. We are expected to pay for and care for three generations—our parents, ourselves, and our children. We had to pay for our own educations. Now we have to pay for our kids’ college. We are expected to give our kids down payments for houses and to keep them on our health insurance until they are 25. And on top of that we are expected to care for our parents. I call BS. Let your dad figure it out for himself. You have a job and a family of your own.
Amen sister. The responses here are among the meanest I’ve ever seen here, and that is saying something.
I agree. Some commenters are being breathtakingly mean.
+1
I also think this is the meanest thread I’ve ever read here. OP I’m so sorry. You’re not doing anything wrong!
It’s either the meanest or second meanest after the one that absolutely tore a newly postpartum mom to shreds for being sad family wasn’t visiting.
If only that postpartum mom had this dad and this OP had that postpartum mom’s family. The family vibes seem to align much better that way.
Yeah, that’s been the expectation for literally every generation in history. Family takes care of family.
My parents didn’t pay for my college, and I won’t pay for my kid’s. And I sure won’t be giving them a down payment; that’s weird.
Her dad IS her family.
It’s almost like families do things differently! Whodathunk.
Right, your parents stop being family because you have kids? Give me a break.
For real! Extended family is important!!
Get a long term rental near you and hire help.
I am so not okay with all these “but you have to do it for familyyyyyy” guilt trips. There are literally comments saying OP is a bad person and that is wild. She works full-time, so does her husband, she has kids with special needs, and you’re all guilting her for not wanting to be voluntold and manipulated into being her father’s nurse??? She’s not trained for that! There are so many other ways she can help her father without him literally moving in against her will. I cannot IMAGINE a single member of my family being so entitled. We help each other and don’t expect people to fully upend their lives to do it. Are you all ok with OP losing her job for this?
OP, you are not in the wrong. At all.
100%, this ‘your rich dad gets to move in with you and upend your entire life despite having plenty of money to hire help in his hometown’ view is insane to me. If this was my parent (and yes, I have two boomer parents who also have plenty of money and are loathe to spend it) I’d suggest the following:
Find a good therapist for you so you’re able to handle the stress of this without it impacting your health/family/work
Be clear with your dad about your limitations and hard lines. You have a job, you have kids at home, you can NOT be his full time home health aid.
Offer options and loop in siblings. Can you fly in for the surgery and get him set up in a rehab facility/at home with help for the first week? Can you arrange for a dedicated aide?
Make sure you know local friends/neighbors and have their contact info.
You have my sympathies – I hard to set a hard limit with a parent recently who only wanted my help post-surgery despite my sibling/SIL living in the same town and being able to afford nursing care. Sorry but I cannot quit my job/leave my family and be your nurse for a month unpaid because they didn’t want to bother my brother.
So many suggestions here involve getting hired help. No one is suggesting the OP risk her job to become her father’s nurse.
They’re just saying OP shouldn’t be so resistant to welcoming her FATHER into her house.
He is her father. He should be trying to make HER life easier. Not demanding that she make his life easier.
What? Everything is give and take–there’s no dynamic that makes one person a forever martyr.
HE’s the one who needs caregiving. Yes, when he was the parent and she was the child that was the dynamic… but that dynamic shifts over the years.
My father spent my entire childhood screaming at me. He later said it was fun to watch me and my brother jump when he started. We have a decent relationship now, but you’ve got to be kidding me if you think that just because he’s my father, he can decide to live with me for 6 weeks on his own say so.
didn’t know my sister was on this board! Hey, sis!
Wow, what a passive aggressive guilt trip. We did not realize this was not her father, but her FATHER. Thanks for the correction.
Lololol
She literally said that she would assist him with doing that and that she has done it in the past. Which is something you all are pretending she didn’t say because it doesn’t fit the thrill of the pile on.
I agree. It sounds like OP is trying to help her dad, just not in the way that he wants.
+100 – especially when she’s literally offering to come to his home to do it. You don’t get to invade someone’s home without an invite.
Seriously! People are acting like she’s abandoning him, when she offered to go and stay with him which is presumably super disruptive to her own life.
I’m very confused about this. Her offer to go stay with him and take care of him – I wonder how long that’s for? Because if its disruptive for him to stay with her for 6 weeks I presume it’s also disruptive for her to stay with him for 6 weeks.
I doubt she is planning to go there for 6 weeks.
Anyhow, no one is the villian here. OP and her father just have very mismatched expectations, and I can understand both perspectives. I really think the best bet here is for OP to let her father come to her city to recover (whether in a nearby rental or in her home), and then hire an aide to help him during the day. OP and her siblings can tag team additional help if necessary in the evenings, weekends, etc.
I presume she wasn’t going to go stay with him for 6 weeks. If she was, then that’s a different conversation. But, I’m sure she was thinking she’d go out for the surgery and the first week or so and then come home… which is not what he’s comfortable with
Yes, you always write in with this “quote” and it’s always annoying.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for not wanting him to live with you. But if this is now coming up multiple times, I think it’s time for a serious conversation about whether he’s willing to get his own place near you so that it’s easier for you to help him while still maintaining your own space, assuming that’s something you’re willing to do. Or you need to think about ways he can better handle things where he’s living now.
+1 to this and also being very clear that while he is mentally and financially able to you expect him to take steps to help himself (hire help, get cleaners, order in groceries, look for a health aide, etc).
I hate the idea that women are expected to drop everything (including their own jobs/families) to take care of parents who refuse to do anything to make their own situations better.
Find a therapist to help with the specific goal of setting boundaries (those are rules for yourself not other people!) when having these conversations with your father. There is probably a lot more there to explore, but start with this specific situation.
Big hugs. You are not a bad person for not wanting your dad to live with you for 6 weeks. This internet stranger empathizes with you.
I’m surprised how little thought is being given to the father’s comfort. I presume he wants to be with OP because as a widower wants to be near family as he recovers from surgery not because he thinks OP will drop everything to nurse him back to health (??? I mean really. Clearly he knows she has a job and kids)
No, he’s probably doing it because he doesn’t want an unfamiliar nurse helping. If he just wanted to be near the OP he would be very open to discussing a close by apartment or letting her come to his house, which she offered to do.
+1 also because he probably sees this as a woman’s role and since her mother has passed, his daughter’s responsibility. You are all being way too hard on op.
And a lot of you are being too hard on her father. He might be a misogynist… or he might just want the comfort of recuperating with family nearby.
Wow OP you’re getting slammed but I would feel the same way. My parents are also affluent and would hire help and never expect me to do the heavy caregiving needs like assistance with toileting. Of course I would assist in the margins because hired help can’t do everything and emotional support is important to recovery, but I think asking to live with you with no hired help is totally unreasonable for an affluent man. I don’t understand why he can’t rent an apartment nearby if money is no issue.
Where does it say that the father is insisting on no hired help?
What’s wrong with him staying with OP with hired help during her work day?
Because it doesn’t work her family. Offering to go to him or have him in a nearby apartment is totally reasonable. She’s not refusing to help him.
Is she offering to go to him for the full recovery though?
100%. I’ve seen a lot of unhinged dogpiles here but this is pretty bad – attacking someone over a sensitive, fraught issue like elder care is simply unkind. Her father isn’t her boss. He doesn’t get to dictate what works for him and him only.
Agree. It’s shocking how many posts vilify the OP for a whole nothingburger of normal family relationship dynamics and her very normal reaction and plan to manage things.
The commentariat here has a weird fixation on how family ties somehow obligate you to bend over backwards with zero concept of the fact that for many, many people, family members are more like arms-length acquaintances you are stuck interacting with every now and then, but are in no way as important to you as your chosen partners or lifelong friends.
Sorry your family is a bummer.
I’m an only child who is very close to my parents and I would not want them living with me for 6 weeks after surgery with intense medical needs, and I don’t have a big job or special needs kids. Like OP’s dad, my parents are wealthy and can afford their own space and hired help, with me being nearby to provide emotional support and check in regularly. Fortunately we see eye to eye on this. People are being so hard on OP.
@12:49. I’m SHOCKED that you can recognize that some families are bummers. Now take that a step further and realize we are not beholden to our parents.
Here’s the thing, I don’t think anyone would “want” to do this. It’s one of those times in life you decide to be there for someone else and just do it. Caring for others is hard, sometimes thankless.
And for people with healthy family relationships, our family are not arms length acquaintances but people we love, like, and have close relationships with.
I swear, I do more to
Help my aunts and uncles and elderly family friends than others do for their own parents!
Anyone can say anything on the internet. Personally, I’m inclined to believe that anyone who dogpiles a stranger online isn’t providing much help to anyone at home. That wouldn’t be your thing.
Yup.
Classy! It’s really that hard for your worldview to imagine people showing up for others?
Maybe I wouldn’t have to step in to help some of these relatives if my cousins could take a break from their big jobs and kids and lives to help out their parents. I’ve been visiting my uncle with cancer 3x a week for the past 6ish weeks as he’s been in and out of hospitals. I’ve been making and dropping off meals to my aunt. I’ve been helping her navigate insurance and care options.
I’ve done this before for several other aunts and uncles navigating other health issues and aging issues too.
So let’s restate the facts:
– OP’s well-off father stayed with OP for three weeks to have shoulder surgery in the past. He reneged on his original promise to rent an apartment nearby and sprang it on her that he was going to stay six weeks. She offered to go to him and help him at his house, but that wasn’t acceptable to him. It caused a lot of stress for OP and her family to host him for three weeks.
– OP has again offered to help her father with his next surgery by going to him at his home, assisting with providing appropriate help, and arranging logistics for him. She would prefer that he didn’t invite himself to recuperate from a surgery at her own home because of her own life issues and challenges. This was again unacceptable to her father and he is now emotionally manipulating her for saying no.
And you all think OP is the jerk here?
+1000
These comments are WILD. OP has done nothing wrong and clearly wants to help! Just not completely on her dad’s terms, which is more than reasonable.
OP someone touched on this upthread but I think the main thing you should do is encourage your dad to move near you, ideally into a senior community or retirement home (one for people who are active and mentally sound, not a depressing nursing home). It sounds like your dad already has significant needs and at almost 77 they’re going to increase in the near term. It’s totally fair to tell him that you’ll have much more ability to help him with healthcare needs if he can relocate near you. If he moves to your city then you don’t have any issue of him living with you. This is what my parents did and it’s been ideal – or at least as ideal as eldercare can be.
Agree with this! This seems like a good time to have a bigger convo about care in general, not just specific to this surgery.
I think this is fair–get through this surgery, and then give him a year or two to wrap up his life where he lives with his friends and to figure out a plan to move closer to you as he ages.
Does she even want him closer though?
It sounds like she’d have no problem with him in her city, she just doesn’t want him in her house. Which is a distinction I fully understand.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I’m sorry people are being mean about it.
As for advice: You have to take good care of your kids and if you bring your dad into your home for care, your kids will suffer for it. You’re a human with only so much time and capacity in a day. I think prioritizing your kids over your dad who is perfectly able to arrange for his own care is the right choice.
It’s ok for kids to be inconvenienced for a few weeks at a time. I wouldn’t label this “suffering”–at least not with a straight face. At some point they learn to realize the universe is bigger than their needs, and it’s good for them to see family supporting each other.
I think the dad could definitely stand to read “the universe is bigger than his needs.” He has rejected every offer of substantial help OP has provided.
Agree with 12:56! Unless the one child is so severely neurodivergent that anything out of the norm is dangerous (it did not sound to be the case), then yeah the kids can adapt. Heck – it might be good for them to get so much 1:1 grandparent time!
This! Otherwise in xxx years time, kids will not know how to behave when she needs help in turn.
Wow. Kids will suffer if grandparent stays for a few weeks? How about they learn lessons about family, health, and caring for others?
THIS!!!
What about a rehab home to recover from his surgery?
+ 1 – I’d truly love a show of hands of people on this thread who have had an elderly parent or inlaw live with them for awhile. Because I had my MIL live with me for awhile while she was dealing with some health issues and it was HARD. If there was an option where she could have been in her home and my H and I and his siblings could have gone to her, it would have been easier for sure.
I wouldn’t care for the show of hands myself – all it would show is that for those posters, it worked to do that in their lives. Doesn’t mean it works for everyone else all the time, no questions asked. A lot of people here need to try putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. OP is the best judge of whether this is doable for her, as hard as it is for some of you to grasp that not everyone lives with the exact family dynamics as you do.
The responses here are just wild. In case you are still reading despite the chaos, let me say I see and understand you. My mother lived with me for 7 weeks after she got out of rehab after breaking her hip. She had home health and although I have a big job, I have some flexibility. Still, it was brutal. The amount of care I had to provide in addition to trying to function at my job during a high stress time was exhausting. I love my mom but this really taxed our relationship. Even with my siblings coming in time to time to help, I was the person on call. Healing is not a linear journey. I think many of the naysayers here don’t fully appreciate what its like to care for an elderly parent. You are not a terrible person. You need to make tough choices to preserve your sanity, health and be there for your kids. Encouraging him to move close by or staying at a rental with hired help is far better than depleting your physical and emotional resources to be his caregiver. You are NOT a terrible person.
You should let your father stay. Your children will treat you like you treat him. On second thought, maybe you deserve that.
I’m not OP but I would never expect to live with my children if I could easily afford to rent my own apartment near them and there’s no indication OP expects to either. I don’t know why everyone is acting like she’s going to turn around and demand something from her children that she’s not giving to her father.
Or he’s like my one remaining grandfather and spouts vile, racist, misogynistic comments out his mouth like a pez dispenser pops out candy. Maybe you think kids deserve to be subject to that for weeks, because family? Ew.
Ew. Congrats on making up a nonsense scenario.
Occasionally here people have discussed using virtual interior design services. I can’t seem to find those conversations! Im doing a surface reno of my tiny windowless powder room. I’m not moving any fixtures, just dealing with floor and walls. I’d love some guidance and suggestions, given the unique challenges of the room (like an. exposed brick wall). Havenly doesn’t appear to offer design help on bathrooms. Has anyone used an online design service theyd recommend for a powder room?
Thanks!
I’m going to make a plug for an in-person design. I moved a while back and was completely overwhelmed. I ended up hiring someone to help me pick paint colors and decide where to put furniture. It was, honestly, fantastic. Not only did she have great ideas but she had a whole catalog of high quality workpeople that she connected me to. For a bathroom, I imagine a good plumber, etc, would be extremely important.
Agree with this. Even if the first job is small, you establish a relationshp with someone who starts to learn your style, and when you see how much they can help you, it starts to really click. It took me a long time to find a designer I can pay by the hour, and I asked here, on reddit, on NextDoor, and just persisted until I found one. I did not want someone working on a commission basis and feel guilty because I was not going to be purchasing a lot of furniture. Ask around, check the sites I reference. Worth every last dollar.
Maria Killam
what do i eat to lower my cholesterol? (and yes i realize i can ask chat gpt, but asking for personal success stories with dietary changes)
Based on anecdotal experience, dietary and lifestyle changes are effective for a lot of things but rarely for this. You’ll probably need meds and that’s ok. Some of the healthiest people I know have had high cholesterol and needed meds.
Dietary and lifestyle changes can be extremely effective for helping cholesterol.
Yeah, hereditary issues can absolutely play a role, but if you’re eating cheeseburgers regularly, just … not doing that anymore is the best first step.
Long history of hereditary high cholesterol and I’ve lowered it by 100 (!!) points over the past 5 years. Mix of fitness and dietary changes.
Fitness: After a long period of no exercise, I exercise 4-5 times a week, mix of cardio and weights. I’m pretty casual about this (no specific goals), but dedicated.
Diet: Large overhaul. Basically no cheese, limited added sugar, as few sweets as practical, almost no fried food, more nuts and complex carbs.
I tried this as an experiment and it was WAY MORE successful than I ever expected.
I’ve lowered my cholesterol with dietary changes — it doesn’t necessarily work for everyone as another poster said. But here’s what I did:
1. Gave up red meat entirely.
2. Ate oatmeal (steel-cut oats) every morning.
3. Added a lot of fiber to my diet (veggies, beans, etc.)
4. Limited dairy
I was able to drop my LDL 15% in 30 days simply by keeping my saturated fat under 20 and in increasing my fiber above 20.
???
!!!
My husband has had long term success implementing and sticking with this approach.
Generally I think the idea is to lower saturated fat and anything that spikes your blood sugar (e.g. sugars and starches). I had much more success with lowering carbs personally, but I am conscious about choosing less saturated fats, less fatty cuts of meat, more fish than red meat, etc.
Some people manage to make their numbers worse by following outdated advice or by accidentally upping carbs while lowering fat. Most people don’t need to lower dietary cholesterol at all (but for a minority of genetic outliers this is crucial). I can eat six eggs a day without my numbers going up so I don’t worry about it.
Wild that asking Chat GPT is now our default for “research”
Yeah I hate it.
…Like, why can’t you just ask Google and read an article from a medical school or hospital?
So much this
Flax seed, chia seed and lots of fiber in the form of vegetables/nuts/seeds and limiting white flour/sugar worked for me for a time – but around age 50 and menopause it stopped working and I am on a statin now, like my mother and father before me.
I don’t have the answer to your question. But, if you’re middle age, could higher cholesterol be caused by perimenopause? Because that’s one of the many effects of peri. I don’t know if hormones help.
I reduced my LDL cholesterol from the low end of high to the high end of normal by making three specific changes. 1) I started taking a 1200 mg Red Rice Yeast supplement daily. 2) I make a giant pot of lentil soup with tons of veggies each weekend and eat it for lunch every single day. 3) I try to follow a pescatarian diet Monday through Friday.
Good luck!
My understanding is that red rice yeast supplement works to lower cholesterol because it contains monacolin K, which is also available as the prescription med Altoprev at more standardized doses and with better regulation. Is there any reason to prefer the supplement over the med?
I’m the poster who mentioned it. I started taking it at the recommendation of my good friend who is a PA. My primary care doctor agreed with the suggestion. I’ve had good results with it, so haven’t looked into Altoprev. I am post-menopausal.
What worked for me was reducing stress, cutting out high-fat dairy, and reducing consumption of red meat and fried foods.
Less saturated fats, more plants and beans.
Prioritize eating as much fiber as possible. At least 30g/day. If you can’t reach that target, use a supplement like Metamucil.
Bergamot supplements, 5-10 servings of vegetables a day, citrus fruits. Cut out ice cream, chips, and any fried foods. I dropped my LDL 30 points (105 to 75) with above.
A statin because most of your cholesterol levels are genetic.
I can see this, especially if it turns out to be true that statins have longevity benefits, but I do think it makes some sense to try the lifestyle changes first, since lowering saturated diet, staying on top of A1C, and increasing fiber are a good idea anyway. Then we know how much is still within our control even if we decide to add meds later, which helps motivate maintaining the lifestyle changes. It is really rewarding to see the numbers change.
My cousin went totally vegan and thats been enough to keep him off meds. He also works out like a beast.
Why tf would you ask ChatGPT when you can just Google it?!? Ffs everybody has forgotten how to google.
Plant based diet.
If that doesn’t work – a statin. Sometimes you can’t fight genetics.
Mediterranean Diet lowered ours from being told to take statins to high normal
Do you think bad mental health is contagious? There’s a woman I know and I feel like her poor mental health has put us in a weird place and gotten us stressed out about the dumbest thing.
By way of background our younger kid attends a program at our older kids’ school. We have to pick up every day at 2. It’s a new program this year. The bigger kids don’t get out until a 315. The first few weeks of school this was a problem for one of the moms of the older kids. She came up to me and confronted me about the details of young kid pick up. Because we lined up starting around 145 for the 2 pm pick and she was angry because she was already lined up for the 315. Why? Because she gets there several hours early every day. Why? Because her child must be the first child picked up. She explained to me that she is always the first car at pickup and has never not been. Every single day. She gets there before 1. Now every day when I get there she’s parked aggressively across three spaces so she can quickly cut off anyone trying to get in line as soon as young kid pickup is done.
At first we were like wow what a weirdo. I can’t even entertain the idea that it’s not a symptom of some kind of mental illness to spend hours in a parking lot every day so that your kid doesn’t have to get in a car behind another kid. Now we’re kind of like, actually she’s a terrible person. Maybe her kid gets picked second one day out of the hundreds of kids that get dismissed? That can’t be so bad it’s worth hours of your time. Why has she made an easy thing, simply picking up your kid, into a stressful competition all about her and her kid? I honestly dislike her at this point and everyday when I see her car aggressively parked and waiting to cut off whoever dares to show up only an hour early for 315 pickup I think “man I’d love to see someone else beat her to it just to put her smug butt in its place.” Then I get annoyed that even care because until I was exposed to her absolutely absurd mindset I never would have even thought to care about this kind of thing in a hundred years. My husband and I are both mad that her craziness has even got us thinking about this at all. Our kids take buses when they’re offered and we try not to be late for pick up. It never occurred to us that a lady was lurking around competing with us trying to make sure her kid was the absolute first every day without fail and it’s kind of dark and messed up. Like manage your mental illness before you put everyone else on edge?
Stuff like this used to get under my skin too. I’ve really been leaning into the so what? Why does this bother me? It doesn’t impact my life. Mindset lately
First of all, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and yes, it’s objectively insane. I’d also stop trying to deal with it yourself and alert the school and non-urgent police line. Both our school and the town are VERY on top of the drop-off/pick-up lines (there are crossing guards, a police officer, and teachers who physically direct drivers). The risk an angry/aggressive driver can pose to little kids on foot is so high and our school has had police talk to parents before. I bet a stern talking to by both an admin and/or police will be enough to resolve things. At the very least you can be reassured that you raised the issue.
Yeah, my initial reaction was just to roll my eyes but there are parents who get impatient and regularly risk kids’ lives by my son’s school. This lady is clearly dealing with something and the admin should tell her it’s super weird to hang out outside the school. Maybe that’ll be a wake up call for her.
Yeah, complain that she’s blocking the earlier pickups and request that they Don’t Allow the 3:00 pickups to Loiter more than an hour early or something.
Can you imagine being that woman’s child? They must deal with this kind of nonsense x1000 on a daily basis. Very sad.
Or maybe we should imagine being that kid’s mom. Perhaps if he’s not picked up first she endures hours of screaming/crying/destructive behavior because the CHILD is the mentally ill one. And a couple of hours in her car quietly scrolling on her phone is the only break she gets from parenting this little nightmare. I agree she’s weird, but this is the type of person who I let to win their little battles and just stay the hell away from otherwise.
yeah, my autistic kid can be like this. we talk a lot about flexibility and putting things into perspective. small problems, big problems.
Honestly, if that really were the case, I would judge the mom even more harshly for enabling that kind of behavior from her kid.
Me, my husband, our then-elementary school child, and our car were each separately hit by aggressive drivers in the school parking lot multiple times over the course of our years at that school. Thankfully we suffered no serious injuries, but we did witness another child get hit so hard they ended up with broken bones, and saw several instances where cars had to be towed. Parent behavior was so incredibly depraved. I would not hesitate to call the non-emergency police and the office on someone eating up multiple parking spots, aggressively stalking the pickup line for hours. And I am petty enough that I would block a week off from my schedule to get there even earlier than her, park my car in the spot that prevents her from zipping into the line, and go for a bike ride, work from my car, something, while she stews.
Agree and I have an autistic kid who can have rigid thinking that catastrophizes things. Over the years, we have really tried to work her mental muscles on “what could happen” and “what might likely happen” so that she’s able to move past her initial thinking into a more fluid way to approach the world. To do otherwise would really limit her and create unfair expectations and burdens on us (and we won’t live forever, so at some point, she will be alone in the world and hopefully able to navigate it).
If that were the case, surely the child would not be in that school setting
I would have a talk with the school about this. You’re probably on edge because pickup lines need to be VERY orderly in order to be safe; you can have aggressive drivers with little kids running around between cars.
+1 – our school district had a ton of new families post-Covid. After a few near-miss accidents in the pick up line the school required having a license/registered car on file for all drivers, and had a teacher/volunteer adult walk each kid to their car one by one. They also staffed a police officer at the school for a week or so to write tickets. That totally fixed the problem.
My feeling is that someone can be as crazy as they like, but the rest of us (by which I mean me) do not have to put up with their crazy unless absolutely necessary. I would 100% go to the administration and explain the situation. It’s likely they already know about the situation, but even reminding her to follow the rules might make her so mad she pulls her little angel from the school. Also, don’t engage with her at all, it’s better to just avoid the a-hole parents at the school for your own sanity.
To answer your question, no I don’t think bad mental health is contagious. I don’t think you “catch” depression or something, by being around someone else. I DO think that other people’s issues, actions, moods, and poor mental health does affect us and our reactions can become a thing we need to understand, moderate, and manage.
Just get behind her. I don’t see why you have to make up this whole story about her having a mental illness. You actually seem weirdly invested in what time she picks up.
Countering with: this is really weird and even if it is driven by some sort of neurodivergence in the kid that “requires” this, she is doing him no favors by catering to it.
I think that the “contagiousness” OP is referring to is what I’d describe as a disturbance in the force. And if the woman takes steps to block someone else from being first, that seems really unhinged. Her even talking to OP vs shrugging things off is the sort of thing that doesn’t exist in isolation. We had someone b*tshit at my kids’ school and she wound up suing people and costing them $$$ in court, so that is the ONLY reason I’d just keep a wide margin and avoid the heck out of her.
Separate the issue itself from your assessment narrative of it. You have no idea about her mental health, home life, kids’ needs, etc. But you know that her parking across three lines and aggressively cutting people off is problematic at best and dangerous at worst. So deal with the issue. Go to the school and express your concerns.
Let the rest of it go. It’s not necessary or useful, and it’s potentially judgmental and wrong-headed.
does anyone work somewhere that still requires real corporate clothes (suits, business dresses…) and if so, is there anyone there who dresses with personality and pizazz and looks current? So few people wear work clothes anymore that to my eye, work clothes looks fundamentally dated. I need a few things but everything I’m seeing (like calvin klein dresses from macys or karl lagerfeld etc) look like things i wore 10 years ago.
Try Ann Taylor. They get the trendiness appropriate IMO. (Yes, cue all the whining about polyester and how in 2003 it used to be wool, but society has moved on, and AT has some chic polyester.)
op here. for what it’s worth for this particular issue i don’t really care if it lasts forever. need a few things and would like them to feel fresh and attractive. thanks!
This. I rely on Ann Taylor to add a little “not an old lady” flare to my Talbots basics.
Society didn’t move on–options were stolen from us.
I still need true “corporate” clothes about once a month. I have recently found some cute blazers and dresses at Madewell of all places. Work pants from J Crew and Banana Republic.
I have seen cute stuff at Ann Taylor– but frequently, it’s either sold out in my size or only available in a color that isn’t flattering on me.
Look at Veronica Beard for ideas. And depending on your budget, a few key pieces.
Today in husband gripes – just paid $1k to fix extensive water damage because DH failed to properly replace a shower part when he insisted on doing it himself. A reminder that sometimes the best way to do the thing is to pay someone to do the thing!!
Awww man! Sorry that happened. My mom warned me about marrying a man who considers himself at all handy for this reason. Hopefully your husband can pull off some cute diys even if he messed this one up.
My husband absolutely refuses to do DIY for this reason. I’m like…dude, we can replace caulk on our own.
Nothing wrong with being handy! You just have to know your limits
We have the opposite issue. My husband always wants to DIY and I made him outsource some plumbing…which was done poorly and leaked and had to be re-done. I hate home repair!
Or this is why it’s important to learn (and teach your kids!) how to DIY correctly! And, to know when you need to call in the professionals.
Kiddo’s new to him phone has a big smash on the screen. This is the second phone he’s done this to. (I blame myself for not putting a screen protector on it.) I don’t want to pay the almost $300 to repair it. Do I have any other options? Just slap a screen protector on it so he doesn’t hurt himself with the smashed glass?
Some credit cards give you a cell phone repair credit if you normally pay the cell phone bill on that credit card. It might be something to double check.
Also, my husband breaks the screen on his phone all the time. Even with an otter case and a screen protector. So now he’s in the habit of just buying the cheapest android phone his provider sells. It’s incredibly wasteful but it’s sometimes just cheaper than replacing the screen often.
I have used packing tape before if the glass is basically flat and there aren’t real shards missing. Even shards… But I also wouldn’t do that with a kid.
LOL what? How old is your kid? He should be buying his own new screen, screen protector, etc. Stick some clear tape or a screen protector on the phone and call it done unless he wants to buy a new one.
My kid is 12.5 and got her first iphone this past summer. Our deal was that I am buying one phone. We priced out insurance for it and let her know what the options were: 1) she can pay the $14/month for insurance 2) she can pay to repair anything that breaks 3) she can have a broken phone 4) she can have no phone. She opted to set aside some money in case her phone broke and she bought herself a screen protector and a really protective case (DH ended up splitting the cost of the case with her bc he thought it was such a responsible decision).
Is she working in a factory doing child labor or what? Presumably the money still comes from you. A phone costs hundreds of dollars.
I posted that. My kid has $400 in her savings account, $800 in a money market fund and another $150 in her piggy bank. She gets money for birthdays, holidays, had a massively successful lemonaid stand this summer, and has started to babysit.
Plus, if she needed to replace her phone I’d help her find a way to earn the money through chores or other things (she recently lasted a bunch of stuff on eBay for me and got to keep 50% of the profits).
I love your parenting style.
You can just put a screen protector over even very broken glass and it works pretty well – sometimes the touch screen gets glitchy but such is life
But big picture – seems like a good time to talk with your kid about what you will and won’t pay for
Maybe he doesn’t need a phone…
+1
I’m sorry you blame yourself?!? Kid needs to suffer the natural consequences of carelessness. Maybe he can earn the screen replacement + screen protector by doing extra chores around the house (above and beyond normal household help), or doing chores for neighbors.
He’s done this, as in, he intentionally smashed it? Or is this an accident?
As for options, you can decide to fix it, leave it, tape or cover it, make him pay you back for the fix, go no-phone, buy them a cheaper phone without fun features so they basically just have a tool for emergencies, whatever you like.
There’s a guy in my city who fixes phones for less than the Apple store or whatever charges. Ask your local friends whether they know someone like this.
Your other option is wait until your kid can handle having a phone.
I would really like to find a side job to supplement my income. I work from home and technically have a full-time job, although I have several hours free during the day. Has anyone done any kind of remote virtual assistant or similar type jobs, and if so, how did you find it? It seems like there are so many scams online.
not to get off topic but what does a remote virtual assistant do? to answer your question, i think jobs that sound too good to be true usually are which is why posts about high paying totally remote jobs you can do entirely on your own time are probably not real. what is your full time job? do you have skills that could work as a consultant? like i am a lawyer and i have a full time job but i do sometimes do a discrete set of work for others. or if you really want something administrative, i would tap your current network (not work for obvious reasons) but that’s the kind of thing i might see posted on my local moms and dads facebook page.
I agree with this generally but I’d caution the op to be super careful. I snagged my current remote job because my predecessor was doing “discrete” legal work for others without authorization or disclosure and was immediately canned.
look around on sites like upwork. I found a really good side gig there a few years back. You never know!
I’m a travel bl*gger as a side gig and although I’m not successful enough yet to hire (or need) a VA, lots of people do. You might join some FB groups for bl*ggers, people are always posting there about looking for VAs.
But be careful of double dipping and doing a second job on company time! Not a lawyer but you can obviously get fired for that, and I think even potentially sued for your side gig profits as well.
Check out the “over employed” Reddit
anyone else profoundly dissapointed by the muppets last night?
Oh no, what happened?
A big muppets fan, and whatever this is is not on my radar.
they had a reasonably publicized special on network TV and disney, hosted by sabrina carpenter. just wasn’t that clever…. felt stale and derivative.
until they bring back Henson-era goofy joke Muppets, I also can’t really engage. Disney has sanitized the cool 70-80s Muppets too far.
I thought it was fun, and as a first episode back, was well done. Hopefully they’ll continue to create episodes and find a good balance of classic Muppet material and new stuff. Sabrina Carpenter was clearly having fun, and those have always been my favorite episodes – where the guests really embrace the absurdity of being on a prime-time variety show with puppets. It did take a while to get used to the different, not-Frank-Oz Miss Piggy.
I actually thought this was a reference to the Supreme Court and googled to see what they had done.
I thought it was fun enough for a first episode, and I’m excited to see what they do next!
I’ve been on an organizing spree lately. I bought some of those clear plastic drawer bins for the drawer I keep my cosmetics in and it’s so nice!
So what am I missing? What are your favorite organizational tips/tricks/products? I’m all ears!!
i’m a big fan of the dana __ method of “assign a container for each thing that needs organizing, when it outgrows that container it’s time to declutter.” like all the mugs go on one shelf in the cabinet and if they don’t fit on that shelf anymore it’s time to get rid of some mugs.
Oh mugs are the worst. Do they breed at night?
I’m OP and I actually did this mid year 2025. I bought a set of mugs that can stack, and got rid of all the others. But I have noticed there are a few new mugs that apparently got into the house as gifts….
The dana_ method refers to Dana K White – her stuff actually works.
I’m a big fan of drawer organizers for my undies/bras/socks drawer. I just use little baskets, but even just doing that makes it so much more visibly organized!