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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Savvy Fine Knit Sweater Top

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A woman wearing a short-sleeve purple sweater and matching pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Short-sleeve sweaters are a wardrobe workhorse in my closet all year long. In the winter, they provide an extra layer of warmth I can wear under blazers and cardigans, and in the summer, they protect me from the chill of central air conditioning, but are still cool enough to wear outside.

This sweater from Universal Standard has my absolute favorite elbow sleeve length — long enough to provide some coverage, but not so long that they bunch up under blazers. It comes in 11 (!) different colorways, so there’s something for everyone!

The sweater is $84 at Universal Standard and comes in sizes equivalent to 00-40. 

Sales of note for 4/24:

220 Comments

  1. Just realized I have a companion pass on Delta that expires at the end of April. If DH and I want to do a 4 to 5 day getaway to warm weather, from Minneapolis, where would you go? Priorities: miles of sandy, walkable beach; uber to hotel and back to airport without needing a car in the meantime (so walkability to restaurants, etc) and pretty quiet – we aren’t nightlife people. Would love to stay at a place that overlooks said beach – reading on the balcony/patio with surf sounds in the background is perfect. Prefer hotel over airbnb type rental. WWYD?

    1. Companion passes are only good in the lower 48, right? Or is Delta different than United/AA in this regard?

      1. Had not thought of that! Quickly checked and they are good for not only lower 48, but Hawaii and the Caribbean and you have just opened up a ton of possibilities for me.

    2. I think both walkable and quiet in a beachy place that’s warm around now (high season) is a tough one. I was going to recommend South Beach, it’s viewed as a very nightlife heavy place, but I’ve never had difficulty avoiding said nightlife.

      1. I liked North Beach – found a few walkable restaurants near my hotel, beautiful beaches, and quiet

    3. Only Palm Springs will be warm enough in April. Abandon the beach strolling for some wildflower hiking.

      1. We’ve been to south FL many times in April thanks to snowbird in-laws, and it is 100% beach weather, especially on the west coast (Naples area).

        1. South Florida is too hot for me by April! Even Orlando can be too hot in April. Granted, I’m in Chicago but OP is also from a cold climate.

      3. We went to FL for pretty much every spring break of my childhood (mid March) and it was always warm enough for enjoying the beach (mid coast) or pool (Orlando). Even as a kid I hated the cold water, so if I was swimming (and my parents were too), it was warm enough

    4. If they’re valid outside the US, Delta has a nonstop MSP-SXM. Stay on Grand Case and enjoy walkable or short cabs to lots of French dining.

        1. Anon from the SXM suggestion here. We stayed at Bleu Emeraude a few years ago and loved it – super clean, having a kitchen meant easy to enjoy some light meals in (like popping rose in the fridge and grabbing crepes from a stand to eat on our balcony), and midrange pricing.

        2. We loved Grand Case Beach Club. Beautiful ocean views from most rooms (every room? not 100% sure), direct access to two very swimmable beaches and affordable by Caribbean standards. Walking distance to the village of Grand Case and all the great restaurants there.

          I’m so happy to see SXM recommended here. It gets so much hate (in general, not specifically here) and I don’t understand why. It’s probably my favorite Caribbean island. A lot of people seem to see it only as a jumping off point for Anguilla and St. Barth’s, but from my perspective I prefer staying on St. Martin and just visiting those other islands for the day. The beaches on Anguilla are beautiful but St. Martin has a lot more to do.

          1. ha, we are Anguilla regulars very much exactly for the reasons you don’t like it, but enjoy spending a few days on French St. Martin every so often for the wonderful dining!

          2. Oh to be clear I don’t dislike Anguilla. It just makes me sad that people see SXM *only* as a jumping off point to Anguilla, when I think it’s a lovely island in its own right.

          3. We’ve stayed on both Dutch and French sides and disliked the Dutch, but French? Lots more chill, delicious food, and it feels like you actually left the US!

    5. Hotel Marisol on Coronado off the coast of San Diego. 1 block to the beach. Many great restaurants within walking distance. Their included breakfast spread and afternoon snacks/wine was enough for us to only need lunch out on the town. The soaking tub in the room was delightful as well!

      1. It will probably be beautiful in San Diego in April (it is before May Gray and June Gloom hit) but it is not likely to be warm. And the ocean will be downright chilly. If all you want to do is walk on the beach with a light jacket, Coronado will be amazing but upper-60s and low 70s amazing.

        1. Not reliably … last few years we have enjoyed Gray-Pril in addition to May Gray and June Gloom

    7. Turks and Caicos. We loved the Grace Bay Club, which has an adults-only section. The beach is beautiful. Delta flies there from MSP—the airport code for Providenciales is PLS. We went for an anniversary in April and there was a significant rate drop at the hotel during that month as the high season ended, so you’ll want to pay close attention to rates by date.

      1. +1 to a big drop in Caribbean hotel pricing in mid-late April. It’s usually the third week or so but depends somewhat on the timing of Easter and Passover because school breaks are often tied to those holidays.

    8. With the caveat that it should be warm by April but sometimes not, maybe Fernandina Beach/Amelia Island in North Florida? There’s a Ritz if you’re resort people, or plenty of other hotels. You fly into JAX (which is a delightful little airport) and it’s close enough you should be able to uber.

    9. I would absolutely go to Hawaii if you can swing it! Should be a direct flight from MSP. Other options: San Diego (Del Coronado), Bahamas, Key West, Clearwater FL, or USVI (fly into St Thomas).

      1. Fly into St. Thomas, but don’t stay there. St. John is so much better and easy to reach on a quick ferry ride.

    10. Not what you asked but I’ve had a really hard time using Delta companion passes to desirable destinations from MSP. I hope you have better luck! And I’m jealous you’re getting out of here for somewhere warm!

    11. Go to Maui. Stay in Kihei or Kanaapali if you want walkable and everything you need right there. I recommend renting a car and exploring a bit though.

  2. My husband has decided to ask his doctor about a GLP-1 and I told him I could ask about it here if he wanted since I’ve seen convos in the past. A couple of questions:
    – Any favorite written resources for understanding options and how to manage side effects? I know there’s a big R3ddit community but my sense is that he might find that overwhelming. Bots are also an issue there…

    – What are people doing for payment? This will not be covered by our insurance (which will only cover for BMI 40+ – my husband’s is about 32 and he has sleep apnea and high cholesterol). I’ve heard anecdotally that costs can be manageable if you go through a manufacturer’s self-pay program but that’s about all we know. Not sure if his doc will recommend a specific drug.

    – Is it worth trying to wait for a pill option or are the injectables the way to go?

    Anything else you can share would be very helpful too. TIA!

    1. I do zepbound through Lilly Direct, which is the manufacturer’s self-pay pharmacy. It is not cheap, but I feel better about it than a compound because it’s direct from Lilly. It stinks that a lot of insurance won’t cover even for sleep apnea + obesity. I’m on month 5 and have had very few side effects, some bloating or constipation here and there but totally manageable. The Redd*t for Zepbound is good but they lean a little into disordered eating sometimes. There’s also an antidietglp1 sub that doesn’t do that.

    2. I’ve been taking Zepbound for about 10 months and my husband has been on it for over a year. He had insurance coverage for part of his, but now we are both using self-pay through Lilly Direct. It is a very simple process – your doctor sends them the prescription and then you will get a text/email from them in order to initiate the order and pay for it. I get a reminder text when it’s time to order my next month’s supply. There is a lot of information on the process and how your doctor submits the prescription on the Lilly Direct website. The one issue we’ve run into is making sure your doctor submits the right prescription for either vials or the injector pens. We both use the vials because it’s cheaper. My dose is $450 per month. The cost is lower for lower dosages, I believe – maybe $300 for the starting dose?
      The R3ddit community is actually pretty informative and helpful for questions. There are some bookmarked posts with basic information and a beginner’s guide.
      The most common side effects seem to be nausea and constipation. Some people find that certain foods cause more stomach problems. I haven’t had that issue, but I know people who have, so be careful about fatty and sugary foods until he sees how he tolerates them. Overeating can also cause discomfort, although the medicine tends to reduce the likelihood of that. It is very important to drink enough water and get enough fiber to avoid constipation. I take Metamucil pills every day to help with that.
      I’m afraid I can’t speak to the pills, although I’m very interested to see how the Lilly one goes once it’s approved and available. I’m hoping it may be a good maintenance option. That’s another thing – is he prepared to stay on this medicine for life? The studies have shown that most people who stop the medicines regain the weight, so some level of maintenance dosing may be needed.
      My husband and I have both had a great experience on these meds. It’s helped me lose weight that I couldn’t have lost any other way. (Believe me, I tried!) I feel so much better. My husband has significantly reduced his blood pressure meds and will likely be off them entirely soon, and his sleep apnea is much better. Not sure if he’ll get rid of his cpap completely, because it’s taking forever to get a sleep study to verify. His cholesterol and A1C have both improved. I’m about to go for updated blood work and I’m hoping for the same!

    3. I’m paying for the pill out of pocket via Ro. It’s actually paying for itself because of way less food spend. I was very worried about side effects and haven’t had any – the key is really small meals, like what may have been a snack over the day otherwise you feel sick. At first do the bland things Reddit etc recommends. I drink more water now but not crazy amounts. It regulates my energy and I fell 1000x better. I think more people should talk about how amazing it is. I also only have about 20lbs to lose and it’s vanity not health but I’ve never felt healthier. 10/10 recommend.

      2. I also have about 20lbs of vanity weight to lose. I’m not technically overweight or obese but I want to crawl out of my skin. I’ve been debating starting a GLP-1 because of chronic and genetic conditions (that will never get better) I don’t have any interest in losing weight the hard way.

    4. Oh, one thing to add – he is not in the habit of strength training and it would be a stretch to say he’s going to start.

        1. I mean, there’s nothing more that I would love than him really committing to strength training again but I just don’t really see it happening, you know? I can’t speak to what he’ll do if he experiences that and I also don’t know how likely it is. He’s 39.

          1. Well, unfortunately that will be a problem for him long term. However, your husband is not alone in this regard. Most folks will have trouble with this long term. Just try to get enough well balanced nutrition in at least.

    5. Regarding side effects, I’m not sure there’s a lot of good formal literature available. I also think they vary widely per person. I’m on Wegovy, and have been for over two years. I have almost zero side effects currently, and has been true for easily 18 months. Occasional upset stomach but I know the food triggers that will cause it so it’s no different/more extreme than a typical upset stomach after eating something that didn’t agree with me pre-Wegovy. I also get an occasional pang of nausea in the 36 hrs after taking my shot. So I usually just eat saltines and ride it out. But it’s really minor. All that to say, and candidly, I find the anecdotes from people here detailing their experiences and how to manage side effects and selectively on Reddit helpful it picking up tips and trips (like take your shot at night — sleep through the initial nausea onset that some complain about (but I don’t experience, so tomato-tomatoooo)).

      Regarding pill vs injection… best I can tell is there is too limited information available to draw any official, data-driven conclusions. However, anecdotal information, per my doctor, is that the injection is more impactful. That’s not to say the pill won’t work, but injection may be the path to greater success faster. That said, if you can’t handle needles or it’s cheaper in pill form (is it? I don’t know but assume it would be), that feels like a perfectly acceptable, effective option.

      Can’t speak to your middle question about cost as I’m grateful insurance has covered mine all along. I was 38 BMI when I started but im insulin resistant so they covered it, and have continued to even as my BMI is now in the normal range and I’m down 90 lbs. Good luck!

      1. More and Ana data – I was on Zepbound for four months last year before stopping for IVF wash out I never got above the lowest dose of 2 1/2 mg but it was effective. The side effects were really tough for me to manage – think very careful management of the constipation which took weeks and weeks to work out, but I still wish I was on it right now, even as tough as the side effects were. (And I plan to go back) And don’t feel pressured to keep increasing at the prescribed schedule – if it’s working for you on low doses, that’s actually great.

    6. I know I’m late to the convo, but in case this helps: I looked into getting compounded zepbound (so tirzeipitide) through Hers and Ro, and didn’t have a good experience with either – both require a lot of health info and your cc# before deciding whether to move forward, and I don’t think there’s very good medical support. I just got a zepbound prescription through my doc’s office and Lilly Direct, and that was much better. My doc’s practice has somebody who focuses on GLP-1 prescriptions, I’ve been able to ask all the questions I want, etc. It’s a bit more expensive, but worth it imo. One issue – I’d wonder whether OP’s dh is really a good candidate for weight loss through this. 39 seems pretty young for a man to give up on other forms of weight loss, and the hesitancy to start weight training makes me wonder whether he generally gets exercise and has other relatively healthy habits. This isn’t a magic bullet.

  3. Is anyone else affected by wide temperature swings? My family is and we get the worst headaches.

    2. Yes, my daughter and I both have headaches that are triggered by either big changes in barometric pressure and/or temperature.

    3. Yes, but it’s the barometric pressure that does it, not the temperature – as the same thing happens when a front is coming through without a huge temp change.

    5. Yup, it’s a super common migraine trigger. My kids and I both get them, though interestingly mine start the day before the big swings, and my daughter’s is day of while my son will alternate.

    6. Yes, taking magnesium helps a lot, especially if you can start taking it before it swings.

      1. what kind of magnesium? glycinate or calcinate or the other one? do you like any particular brand? thanks!

        1. I take mag glycinate and it really helps me a lot with this issue – I can tell when I skip a few days especially during changing weather periods. I take NatureMade gummies because most of the other options are large tablets that are really hard to take.

    7. Pressure changes yes, temp swings no. Although in hot and humid weather, I have come to recognize that a certain specific type of headache is a sign that I am overheated, dehydrated, and need to take action to prevent heat exhaustion from turning into heat stroke.

        1. Yes, but there’s so much that we don’t know about how viruses work in our bodies, that there has to be something to the centuries of experience demonstrating that people often get colds after being cold and/or wet. Certainly a body under stress is less able to fight off a virus. “Viruses give you colds” was big news several decades ago, but it feels simplistic now.

  4. Universal Standard says it uses ONE fit model, size 18, and then scales up and down from there. And this is why clothes don’t fit anyone any more. In the past, there were completely separate departments for juniors’, misses’ (“straight”), and women’s (“plus”) sizes. Each size range had its own fit models with proportions appropriate to the range, and sizes were only scaled up and down a few notches from there. You cannot just cut down a size 18 garment proportionally and expect it to fit a size 2 person, or scale up a size 6 garment and expect it to hang right on a size 24.

    1. Shopping for clothing has become exhausting and deeply un-fun, and I don’t think it’s just because my body has changed over time. It just leaves me feeling like my proportions are wrong, but when I look in the mirror, I look perfectly normal and average. I really wish manufacturers would do better, but it seems to be a losing battle at this point.

      1. 1000+. I used to love clothes shopping so much – it was a major source of fun. Now I dread it but to be fair, I also liked the way I looked back then a whole lot more than I do now.

      2. That is one reason I like to sew and I’ve been working methodically on getting pants patterns to fit me well. I know this isn’t helpful if you don’t have time to sew or aren’t interested. I sympathize.

    2. Well, their clothes are also ugly, so happily there are many reasons not to shop there!

      1. It’s not just Universal Standard, though. All of the big mall stores do this now.

          1. They all use one fit model. Not necessarily size 18, but the clothes still don’t fit anyone at either end of the range.

          2. And size 18 is about the average US women’s size now. There’s obviously fit issues with scaling one cut for everyone, but if a company is going to do that, it makes more sense for more people to use 18 than 4.

    4. I didn’t know that! That is more size inclusive on paper, but yeah not actually a better fit as you explained.

    5. To some extent, this has always been true though! Yeah, juniors, straight & plus might be cut differently, but you have always had very small and also curvy people. Or large size but straight proportionally. Or small bust broad shoulders or narrow shoulders large bust. You just have to try stuff on – different brands and different models

      Nothing I’ve tried from universal standard has ever fit me well, and so I don’t order from them anymore. But that’s not some kind of insult to me or them – presumably it does fit other folks or they’d go out of business!

      1. Agree. I just appreciate that they provide some idea of what body shape they aim to fit.

    6. Fun fact: LuLaRoe founders spent an entire year developing the Julia dress (I believe it was that one), so that the proportions and fabric type would work on a large range of sizes.

      I am not saying this to shill for LLR or MLMs (I have substantial problems with both); I’m saying this to point out that getting one garment to fit XS to XXL is a challenge.

        1. Why would manufacturers be responsible for making sure their garments break the laws of physics and fit every body shape out there?

          I’d rather it just become standard for them to provide both the garment’s measurements and the model’s measurements (not just her height in a vacuum). IDGAF if the model is 5’10” or 5’2″ I want to know what circumference bust, waist, and hip that size M top is covering so I can guess how it might fit me and how long her inseam is so I can tell whether the dress will be a midi or a maxi on me.

          1. Oh, come on. Not every brand will be cut for every body shape, but it is reasonable to expect that an XS will fit a lot of XS people and an XL will fit a lot of XL people. What we have today is that XS fits no XS people at all.

          2. Oh, come on yourself. Bodies that wear XS to XXL (which is the range the comment referenced, not the smaller range XS to XL) are not going to have the same proportions and pretending they are is ignorant.

          3. That is exactly the point! Cutting down an XL to an XS means that the XS will fit no one. It is perfectly reasonable to expect a manufacturer to use a different fit model for small sizes than for large sizes so the XS will fit at least some people.

        2. My point was that doing it for one dress took a huge number of man-hours, and likely huge numbers of iterations and tests. That isn’t cost-effective for most manufacturers. The fast fashion lines can’t afford it (and the turnaround time makes tat difficult); the more classic and high end lines are designed for specific body types and they lean into their niches.

    7. I so wanted to like Universal Standard because the inclusive sizing is such a novel business practice, but the fit is not for me. I’m a broad-shouldered pear, and it’s fit for someone with more bust and stomach than me, but less booty. I even bought a pair of underwear that fit better backwards! Sleeves are too long, waists are too big, pants have extra fabric in front. I’ve given up on them. I’m glad they exist for other people, but they just will never work for me.

  5. Weight loss: should I even bother? I am about 20 pounds overweight and have been for about five years now. I’m 45, and I don’t think it’s coincidental that this has happened in peri. I have made several very solid attempts at losing weight and have failed every single time. The effort I have put into it has not yielded any significant results, which makes me wonder why I even bother to try. My body is resisting it, and even if I did manage to lose 20 lbs., would I be able to keep it off? (I exercise regularly and always have, btw.)

    Anyway, I’ve gotten into a cycle of really disliking my body, and it’s demoralizing and exhausting. I don’t like how I look, but my doctor does not seem overly concerned about the health aspect. I have thought about seeing a dietician but am pretty skeptical about handing over money to be told to do the same things I’m already doing.

    1. Buying clothes for my current size has made me look good in clothes. At my age, I don’t really need to look good otherwise (bathing suits, etc.). I can just hide under my excellent caftan and rashguard or just enjoy swimming and the beach without having to really see myself close up in any pictures (like thirsty teens and college students seem to post on insta) and it’s really been fine.

      1. I will also scream from the rooftops this isn’t cheating and it just makes you not hungry. Food still tastes good, you can still enjoy your life, you just get to live like naturally thin people.

        1. +1 – I’ve got chronic illness/nausea and just don’t care about food ~80% of the time. Actively feeling hungry/thinking about food/anticipating my next meal (‘food noise’) simply isn’t an everyday thing for me. This baffles my husband/friends who eat normally.
          It doesn’t seem fair to me that people who normally/naturally enjoy food (which you should!) are held to the same expectation of thinness as people who have heavily blunted food cues. I see it as similar as holding chronically ill people to the same standard as healthy people in terms of productivity but that’s a whole separate post.

    3. I’m sorry. Another peri person here, and the changes have been hard, mostly because I have to change how I view myself. So I would say first, exercise and eat for health and well-being, not weight loss per se. And second, try to reframe how you approach your body.

      I know that’s easier said than done. It’s a complicated struggle for me, too.

    4. I feel like i could have written this post. I struggle with this all the time. I was always thin and never much of a dieter and since COVID i’m on tamoxifen and in peri and i’m 20 lbs heavier than i was. I say all the time that i either need to really commit to being a person who doesn’t eat anything fun or just resolve that this is the way it is. My doctors all say i’m fine and still within the range of average but it makes me feel sad and shopping is a nightmare although i do think part of that is i hate all the clothes they are showing right now. so no answer but i feel you!

      1. Yes, you said this really well. Either be a person that doesn’t eat anything fun, or find some peace with where I’m at.

    5. I feel this. Have finally realized how much of this is genetics: my middle-aged body is shaped just like my mom’s was at this age. Like her, I was underweight in my 20s-30s, now slightly overweight in my 50s. And if the pattern continues, I’ll be underweight again in my 80s-90s. I’ve finally decided that life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, and I’ve wasted too much energy focusing on gaining or losing 10 pounds. All the more so when, like you, my doctor has never been concerned about my weight.

      Wishing you strength and peace!

      1. If it helps mentally reframe things – carrying a bit more weight into middle ago has been shown to benefit women as they age.

    6. It depends–is the 20 pounds giving you nice curves? I’m 20 pounds over but like the effect. But am also on Zep, so take that for what it’s worth.

          1. And I am no more that 5 pounds heavier than I was in high school, but in a wholly different body 3-4 sizes larger as I’ve replaced a lean body with a fluffy one. Still flat chested though, which seems unfair.

        2. I’m 44 and have gained about five pounds in the last few months. (Surgery had me laid up and unable to be as active as I normally am.) Shockingly, it’s gone to my chest and thighs.

          No advice to offer. (My best guess is genetics.)

          1. +1 – I went from an A cup to a D cup in my late 30s/early 40s. It’s deeply weird to me but apparently normal for the women on my dad’s side of the family.

      2. Well, I finally have a chest, which is nice. My bum also looks pretty good. Could really do without having a stomach that disappeared out of nowhere.

    7. Is your weight stable at that point?

      For me personally, my weight is stable at a point that is just at the BMI edge of overweight. But my body really really likes that weight. I see fitness improvements – faster run times, heavier lifts, visible muscle from exercise, but stay at the same weight. I eat nutritiously and mostly by when I feel hungry. So I figure if my body likes this weight, I am not gonna insist otherwise. For vanity reasons, I’d like how I’d look 10 lbs lighter in the stomach but I like how I feel not dieting – healthy, strong, energetic – way more.

      1. +1. I’m happiest with my body when my weight is stable and I’m exercising regularly, and that happens for me just under overweight BMI. I’m sure I’d look better in clothes if I was a little lighter, but I don’t have any medical conditions that would be improved by weight loss and I don’t find “food noise” to be a frustrating thing in my life, so while I totally understand why it might be for someone else, to me this is simply not a problem that needs to be solved.

      2. I’m in the same boat. I have a lot of muscle and just tip into the overweight category. My body is so much happier and healthier now than my 20s when I was flirting with being underweight. Spent most of my 20s dealing with overuse injuries of one form or another and now work out probably twice as much, run way more, and haven’t had one in years.

    8. I am in the same boat except that after the initial 20-lb instantaneous gain I have continued to gain slowly despite eating much less and keeping exercise constant. I am about 25 lbs overweight for me, but still within the “normal” range so doctors don’t take it seriously or just blame me for being lazy. I have recently decided to try losing weight one more time but with more exercise (alternating days weight training and running, plus a long weighted vest walk every day) and with three weeks calorie deficit followed by one week at maintenance. There is some evidence in the literature that taking breaks from calorie restriction combats the body’s adaptation, increases weight loss, and makes maintenance more successful. I am going to give it 6 months and then demand that my doctor actually do something about it (thyroid tests? metformin?).

    9. I am a decade older than you, on the other side of menopause, and I had added 20# to my frame after meno/knee surgery/losing my Mom all within a few months. For me, I had to accept that those factors didn’t cause me to gain the weight – I was simply eating too much because of poor sleep, less movement, and probably a little depression. When I track calories and stick to a modest deficit, I lose weight. I’m down about 10# now and still chipping away at it. It’s not easy or fast, but it’s not actually difficult. I just have to be deliberate and consistent. I try to stay at 1700-1800 cal, 100g protein, 30+g fiber. I’m 5’4″, small-framed, with a ton of muscle. My high weight was about 153. Hope some part of this is helpful. Like you, I was demoralized and exhausted.

      1. Well done. But that is a pretty tough diet for the majority of people. 1700-1800cal, 100g protein without supplements, 30+g fiber and still well rounded. My stomach aches just thinking about it.

    10. On the health aspect, are there any symptoms you’re chalking up to peri that could be something more? (Thyroid issues, insulin resistance issues, sleep issues?)

      If it’s all just peri, can you hope that HRT will help once you hit the age where that’s recommended?

    11. I read somewhere to not make yourself 300% more miserable every single day of your life to weigh 5% less. Not worth it.

    12. This is a situation where I’d be spending some time with the idea of health at every size and radical acceptance. Not saying it would be easy mentally, but you have options other than hating your body or trying to force it to be a size it doesn’t want to be.

      1. I personally regret that I experimented with this way of thinking. But maybe that’s because there were underlying medical issues that further testing uncovered, as well as medical issues exacerbated by the twenty extra pounds (maybe it’s different if nothing is really wrong?).

      2. My feeling is that I think everybody should love their body, we should love and accept people no matter what their body size or shape, and all that. BUT… my mom put me on my first diet at age 9, and for me the “body acceptance” ship sailed long ago. So. I had weight loss surgery years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. When some pounds crept back on a few years ago, I went on a micro-dose of a GLP-1 to get back to my desired weight and I am happy as can be. Maybe I’m screwed up in the head but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I say use the tools available.

        1. I’m anon at 10:29am: I don’t love my body and doubt I ever will. But I have learned to respect my body and be grateful for all that it does for me, and through that I’ve found acceptance. Of course I agree that OP should do her due diligence with her doctor to make sure there’s nothing medical going on that needs to be addressed, but once she’s done that–acceptance is a different tool from surgery and GLP-1s, but it’s still a tool.

        2. I mean this to be supportive, not remotely judgemental:

          Everyone can’t fight every fight. Also, mental stress takes a toll on your body.

          When I was pregnant, a psychologist told me that the way I speak to my child will become his inner voice for the rest of his life. I try very hard to make that inner voice loving, supportive, and positive. The inner voice that my parents gave me – (expletive). I’m in my 40s, so retraining my inner voice is worth it to me: the ratio of the time I spend hearing crap about my body to the time that I want to live in my body without that voice is not the same as your ratio.

    13. I am in the same boat. I don’t think it’s worth it but I don’t think opting out is an option. I Recently lost 10 pounds on internet prescription trizepetide. I was fine being a few pounds overweight but I can’t take the constant health shaming. From doctors and friends and anyone. It’s basically the main thing in my life right now and it’s all anyone talks about. That’s why it’s not just the weight loss but everything.

      The medicine allows me to maintain a near “perfect” diet without getting hungry or caring too much about what tastes good. (I say “perfect” in that my calories and fiber and protein are at the respectable levels; people will still criticize that I have “processed” protein powder and eat chicken. Someone will cluck their mouth and wag their finger about it when I get sick and I think about it a lot.)

      All this is to say that I think most of this health stuff is a lie. Any health issue you develop will result in criticism of your choices. Small steps did nothing and it requires a pretty big overhaul of your life to be able to look a health care provider in the eye when they’re trying to look down on you and tell them you really are doing things correctly. I’m writing this from a treadmill. I get all the steps and run and strength train. It takes literally all of my free time if you include the amount of sleep I need to recover and I promise I don’t look amazing or anything but I am sacrificing a significant amount of work ambition and time with my family to do this. I understand why people with time on their hands can do this but we have to be realistic about the amount of time and energy it takes for working moms like me. The social stigma about health is all consuming and it feels like I’m metaphorically running uphill constantly, and physically running uphill a lot of the time.

      1. If your entire circle is shaming your weight/health, you have a circle of jerks. I’m sorry you’re experiencing that and I hope you find supportive friends.

        1. +1

          I say this with love, but if you’re spending all of your time on this — that is no way to live. You deserve more than that.

          1. Agreed. I don’t recognize the dynamics described in that comment at all. Sure, Boomers tend to make comments about weight but it’s never, ever the only topic of conversation.

          2. There were literally comments here speculating about protein powder causing cancer. I don’t know how I’m the only one absorbing this. It’s not like my friends call me a slob but they’ll send me a podcast about how doing cardio will “turn my bones into chalk” implying I’m poorly educated and living wrong. I can’t be the only one surrounded by Pilates moms in uniform all day every day, vegans talking about how disgusting dairy is, constant concerns about local tap water, how much protein you REALLY need and doctors who prescribe diet and lifestyle for everything. This is just middle class American life now right?

          3. No, it’s really not how most people live.

            You can also–through therapy, medication, mindfulness practice, or all of the above–become better at tuning out the noise, and find doctors who don’t shame you.

          4. No, this isn’t just middle class American life right now. I’m surrounded by people who are all just trying to do their best, eating healthy when possible but enjoying ‘unhealthy’ stuff in moderation, exercising when possible but not interfering with their work or family. It is so common to struggle to fit exercise into a busy routine. None of my friends ever share media designed to make me question my eating or workout habits. I’m far more likely to get (and send!) memes about cheese. We just do not discuss this, I cannot imagine my friends picking at my size and shape or diet. We are supportive of one another. If someone does raise an issue (for example, I have a close friend who has struggled with her weight due to PCOS), they are just wanting to share their own experience or progress or frustration with a friend who will listen compassionately and non-judgmentally.

            I agree with others who think that you are perseverating on issues to the extent it’s harming your mental health. If your social circles are really talking to you this way on a routine basis you need new friends. If your doctors are criticizing you this much you need new doctors. Yes, there’s lots of … stuff.. out there right now about protein powder, what exercise is best, foods being good/bad/gross/healthy/unhealthy, environmental contaminants… but that’s pretty much always been the case. Most people just tune this stuff out. Like, I don’t engage with the random influencer that pops up on my social media feed trying to sell detoxes or whatever. Just scroll on by. You do not need to engage with or absorb or analyze every piece of “information” that happens to cross your path.

          5. It really isn’t normal. I don’t know, I’ve lived in a few parts of the country and I do Pilates, and in each of those places and even at my Pilates studio it’s considered rude to talk about other people’s diets.

          6. No, it’s not normal. It sounds like you’ve found yourself in the middle of a Venn diagram of fitness nuts and rich Pinterest women. Get out of that mess!
            Even in my pretty granola, dirtball, endurance sports bubble, no one would dare criticize other’s choices the way you describe. The only way something might come up is if we saw a workout partner doing something obviously life endangering (ie backcountry trail run without bear spray). Absolutely not “protein powder vs beans”, wearing makeup to work out or whatever, you do you.

      2. I’ve said it before but you need better doctors. It is not normal for this to be so hard, and there are doctors who don’t shame and gaslight their patients over weight.

        1. I wasn’t overweight when I was told not to eat oatmeal. I think some doctors are less mean about things but I also think when push comes to shove you can’t opt out of fiber and protein requirements and exercise as prescribed and expect to NOT be blamed for anything. I had an obgyn issue that they somehow thought would improve with exercise. Roger that. Next time at least I can say I do an hour a day minimum without feeling ashamed. You only get 5 minutes in this country so you need to be compliant just to bypass the “oh you’re kind of a slob” explanation.

          1. I’m telling you that there are doctors who will help you even if your lifestyle isn’t perfect. I’m getting more than five minutes from my doctors.

            I believe you that you’re seeing some providers who are overworked and instead of doing their own jobs, are trying to put the ball back into your court by insisting that your diet and lifestyle be perfect before they will help you out. I’m glad that you can call them on their bluff now.

            I don’t know why you were told not to eat oatmeal. I personally can’t eat oatmeal because of its impact on my blood sugar. But I would fire a doctor who was dictating my oatmeal consumption but neither testing nor treating anything relevant like blood glucose. There are both tests and treatments. Expect and demand better care! The blame game is just a brush off; get past it. All over this country, slobs are getting diagnostic testing and medical interventions, I promise.

      3. I don’t think everyone could possibly care this much about your health. Do you have an eating disorder or some kind of disordered medical anxiety?

        1. It sounds like she’s internalizing other people’s efforts at improving their own health, but people are really different. One diet or exercise regimen is not going to work for everyone!

          And people make choices on different criteria too (yes there are issues with my city’s tap water identified by the EPA, but I wouldn’t honestly bother to filter it carefully if it didn’t also improve the taste subjectively to me).

          I’m not filtering my water to shame people who don’t, or so that I can blame them if they end up with a diagnosis someday!

          1. Right I know no one is filtering their water to shame me. But it’s hard not to feel guilty and irresponsible when everyone is talking about cancer rates and whole house filtration systems and whether you can use tap water to brush teeth and you’re just a brita family. And rationally I know that our water is fine. It is; it’s clean and it tastes great. But what if god forbid someone gets sick? Then everyone will shake their heads. Cancer rates are high here. I feel so much guilt and shame and that’s just one little thing that has nothing to do with weight but the wellness stuff is just never ending.

          2. Please please please seek therapy. This isn’t normal or healthy. “Everyone” is not talking about whole-house filtration systems and whether you can use tap water to brush your teeth. I promise. Are you hanging out with only extremely wealthy SAHMs who are super into wellness? If so, then find new friends! Normal, kind people do not “shake their heads” when someone gets sick, much less gets cancer. Normal, rational people do not blame judge other people for getting cancer and think they should have been paying more attention to the water they drink. This is to say -you either need to stop worrying about being judged, OR, if someone in your life is actively telling you they are judging you for these things, or would if they came to pass, you need to cut this person out.

    14. From a health perspective, there is absolutely no reason you need to be 20 pounds lighter. There’s lots of data out there that having a little extra weight is protective against the ailments of age and helps with recovery when things do inevitably crop up. Staying active and eating healthy are always good, but not if it’s because you hate yourself and are trying for unsustainable changes that serve only vanity.

      But getting into the vanity – it’s very real and it’s very hard to let go of. Aging is hard, especially in a culture that worships youth! I find body acceptance more than body positivity to be more helpful, but I’ve also never had big struggles with how I look.

      1. My BMI is currently 22.5 and I am absolutely experiencing negative health effects from it. For ME the ideal is between 18.5 and 20.

        2. Anonymous at 11:18 am: ignore the snark. People should not assess another person’s healthy weight range unless they are that person’s physician. I have a very small frame for my height, and a BMI of about 20 is good for me. I look and am perfectly healthy when I am at the lower weight. In contrast, I’m currently at about 22 BMI and it is too much for my hip joints. Working on losing a few pounds for that reason alone.

          2. Different anon, but I’m going to keep listening to my actual medical doctors here about what is best for my joints given my conditions.

            BMI was only ever validated at the population level and wasn’t supposed to be applied to individuals, so it makes sense that individual goals can conflict with what sounds reasonable to you personally. If you can understand that some people are healthiest at a higher BMI, you should be able to understand that some people are healthiest at a lower one.

          3. For a medium-height, small-boned woman who started out at say 115lbs, a 20-lb gain is more than 17 percent. That’s a lot. On a 200-lb guy, 20 lbs is 10 percent. You can’t lump small people in with larger people when considering weight and BMI.

      2. You simply do not know that that’s the case because you do not know her medical history. There are many medical conditions where a 20 pound reduction actually IS helpful for symptom management.

        1. This is true.

          I am tall and slender, but already have moderately severe arthritis in a hip and my knees. Sometimes you can’t escape bad genetics. My Mom had this too. My rheumatologist told me not to gain any weight. I do have worse hip pain with just a 10lb weight gain. Crazy but true.

      1. agreed! I’ve been seeing a dietitian about every six weeks or so since June and every visit (over Zoom) is covered. I was a generally knowledgeable person about food and nutrition, but she has taught me so much about targets for protein, fiber, macros, etc. and it has been so helpful.

        Check out your options with insurance.

      2. I met with a nutritionist and it was surprisingly helpful. She was able to tailor recommendations based on the results of my latest blood test. I asked my PCP for a referral.

    16. Do the things that may lead to weight loss but definitely lead to health improvement, like walking more, drinking more water, eating more plants (beans and greens especially), socializing with people who love you, and forming good sleep habits.

  6. What’s the quality like for Universal Standard? I’ve been looking for some layering pieces like the pictured sweater.

    Snapping back or whatever from postpartum has been a harder process than I’d anticipated. I don’t want to spend a lot on clothes to fit what I hope will be a temporary size, but I need to look put together.

    1. I wish I could offer you a hug – fwiw, it’s Not Normal for your friends and family to be constantly criticizing what you eat and what you weigh (they’re freaking out about 10 lbs?!?) like you describe, or… blaming you for getting sick because you eat protein powder? I’m really sorry you’re in that situation!

    2. I haven’t tried their clothing, but I recommend a similar short-sleeve sweater from J Crew Factory. It’s less expensive, 100% cotton, and holds up well (I’ve had two for a couple of years now and they look great; hmmm I should probably pick up a few more). The drape is such that they’ve fit me well through the postpartum years as my size has fluctuated a bit.

    3. I don’t have work clothes from there, but I do have a few pairs of their joggers that I really like and think are good quality. I wear them for (personal) travel days because they’re so comfortable, and they’ve held up well.

  7. Help me not be enraged by the three-week period coming up where all of the region’s differently scheduled spring breaks happen and it’s impossible to schedule large meetings.

      1. I have a big meeting that someone is always scheduling right around our Easter, which is a big SEUS public school spring break time. This year, they are back to back and I’m just noping out of the meeting. Too chaotic. Talk to me again in a few years when the kids are in college.

    2. This is every year. No one likes or IMO needs a large meeting (this meeting could have been an e-mail). Consider it a blessing to streamline who needs to attend things in person or weigh in. Gets a lot of unneeded cooks out of the kitchen.

  8. Just a heads up that the Quince version of this is good quality, is cashmere, and costs less, in the same color and a few others.

      2. I want a v-neck version, merino, cotton, silk or some combination of those, elbow sleeve but not puff sleeve. I would buy stacks to have for future years if I could just find it.

        1. I have a couple of v-necks from Merino Protect that are really nice, although they are a bit longer than I like. You might also check out Wool &.

      3. J Crew Factory short sleeve cotton crewneck. I have it in like 3 different colors (and the long sleeve version is called the teddie)

      4. Brooks Brothers

        Solid, four pale colors:
        https://www.brooksbrothers.com/supima%C2%AE-cotton-short-sleeve-shell-sweater/WY01224.html?dwvar_WY01224_Color=PNLT

        Solid, navy black and white:
        https://www.brooksbrothers.com/supima%C2%AE-cotton-jersey-short-sleeve-sweater/WY01138.html?pid=WY01138&dwvar_WY01138_Color=NAVY

        Solid cabled:
        https://www.brooksbrothers.com/supima%C2%AE-cotton-twinset-cable-short-sleeve-shell/WY01229.html?dwvar_WY01229_Color=CREM

        Pattern:
        https://www.brooksbrothers.com/floral-print-cotton-shell/WY01214.html?dwvar_WY01214_Color=BLKM

        Stripe:
        https://www.brooksbrothers.com/supima%C2%AE-cotton-variegated-stripe-short-sleeve-sweater-shell/WY01217.html?pid=WY01217&dwvar_WY01217_Color=NVYL

    2. I have this in 3 colors and like it. I shrunk one when I accidentally washed/dried it, so make sure you keep it dryclean only.

      1. I’ve had good luck machine washing on gentle with the sweater in a giant lingerie bag, and then drying on a rack. It does need steaming or ironing after that.

    3. Sweaters like this were the absolute backbone of my wardrobe when I was working. I used to get them mostly at Banana and J Crew.

      1. I hated the jcrew ones (loved the colors) but I always felt like the hems were perpetually rolling up.

    4. Do you have a link? I’ve been quince curious and I think it’s time to bite the bullet. I lost a lot of weight (I’m one of the glp1 posters above… down 90!) and need to start filling my closet with spring attire that fits!

        1. I am always confused by cashmere T shirts. You wear them against your skin? Sounds itchy. And then you have to launder them frequently, either by hand on with a gentle shampoo / delicate cycle and watch them loose their shape quickly. Seems doomed, no?

          1. I wear an undershirt (numi) that protects against sweat and smells. I only dryclean once a season.

  9. Good problem! Need to figure out what to do with a food chick of money and DH would like to consult with a financial planner. Do we go with a planner or advisor? One-time fee or percentage based? Help!

    1. The best thing to do with a food chick of money is to buy stock in marshmallow Peeps. :)

      Or go to a fee-based financial planner.

    2. I’m too poor to know what a “food chick” of money is. Moneymallow Peeps?

      But I do think a one-time fee is always the answer. Ramit Sethi will tell you how much money you stand to lose over time through a percentage—it’s much bigger than it seems on the outset/surface.

    5. Fee only! Also agree to run from annuities and shun any adviser who suggests them to you.

  10. We have an appointment at the airport next week to get my son Global Entry. Should I assume that’s on hold now? We haven’t gotten any notifications.

    2. Probably cancelled but tbh what I would do is post in your city’s reddit and ask (closer to the scheduled date) if you never get a cancellation. Mine has been much more accurate than official statements for “what is actually happening at the airport”

  11. Help me pick a bag. I’d like an elevated casual bag that looks reasonably modern. I’m between the Clare V Moyen Messenger and the Cuyana Celestia. I’m also deciding whether to get the full or small size of either bag.

    I’ve been carrying small bags for a while. My go-to has been my Chloe Marcie saddle bag in the tiny cross body version. But I feel like the proportions are sort of off for me. I’m short but bigger than I’d like to be (I’m postpartum); I think a larger size might balance me better. I haven’t been carrying a purse because I have the diaper bag, and a cross body bag plus a backpack is a frustrating tangly combo. I need a shoulder bag so I don’t have to dig through the diaper bag for my wallet etc. (yes I still carry a wallet, no I am not going to stop). Suggestions?

    1. I would go with the full-sized Moyen Messenger. I have one and adore it. It will hold a large wallet, keys, a phone, a hard sunglasses case, and a couple of small pouches with plenty of room left, yet doesn’t look huge. I can put a small water bottle, Kindle, or compact umbrella in there too if needed.

    2. I’m a big fan of the mini moyen messenger. I’m 5’0 and curvy. The larger one felt too big for me.

  12. Parents lived in State A. They had a lot of mutual funds and little IRAs. They are in RMD territory by age and I’m not sure that they are taking all that is required (working on that). Mom recently died and I’m trying to convert her joint and solo funds to just dad (per the will). Dad now lives in State B. Funds are all over the US. I read about unclaimed property (no activity by the holder for 3-5 years) and things being escheated or claimed by various states as abandoned property and I’m freaking out. Has anyone else dealt with this? And how to you generate activity when Dad really doesn’t want to withdraw money and the RMDs are just direct deposited (and he’s not investing new money, just having automatic reinvestment, which is passive and may not count as activity).

    WTF do people without families do? I feel that there will be Oldest Daughters for hire in the future as we age as SINKs / DINKs.

    1. pretty sure people without families just get scammed/taxed to heck. Its a big business. my mom was paying on 2 extended warranties and 2 burial policies when I caught up to the mess. other bills were sky high and never negotiated (trash/cable/phone). I also found several hundred in “abandoned property” at the state for her. Get POA, online access to everything, including email and apple ID.

    2. Not sure if this is a universal thing, but my state has an unclaimed assets section on the main state government webpage. It’s an easy search form; I check my elder relatives’ names every so often and find random things they have forgotten about, then let them know so they can claim their accounts or cash the refund check, etc.

      1. +1

        Check for every state your parents have lived. We found things this way. Don’t worry, you are dealing with this with plenty of time. It will all be fine.

        Try to slowly roll over as many accounts / IRAs to one place (ex. Fidelity Vanguard or Schwab) to make things easier in the long run. Just call Fidelity etc.. and have them help step you through it.

        I am single and will be until death. I am trying to consolidate my finances as much as possible, roll everything into one place, have beneficiaries / POD on every retirement and brokerage account / bank account / I Bond and in my state you can even have a POD for your car and house!

        OP it will be ok. You don’t need to do things as quickly as you fear.

  13. If you had a couple days off for spring break with a tween and a teen, what would you do for staycation-like activities? Keep in mind that we’re in the Midwest and the weather is highly unpredictable. Could be sunny and 60. Could be a blizzard.

    1. it’s hard to answer this question without knowing more and i live right outside NYC but in my house we: go to a museum or an exhibit, get theater tickets, get a tennis court and play, ice skate, go wait online to get viral baked goods, get the lunch special somewhere fancy….

    2. We never traveled for spring break and tbh unscheduled time at home was great on its own!

    5. Window shop in the artsy neighborhood and grab lunch at a cute cafe.
      Dress for mud and hike our favorite loop.
      Plan the summer veggie garden.
      Pizza and board games.
      Spend a day baking together and enjoy the treats with a movie marathon.

    6. I’m in the Midwest. I find that it’s easy to drive about an hour on normal weekends to do stuff; I very rarely take the 2+ hours each way trips, even though they could be great.

      To that end, plan a day when you’re going to all the fun tourist stuff that’s just a little too far for normal travel. Caves, Indy 500 museum, Indiana Sand Dunes, Detroit museums and factories, Chicago, St. Louis, hang out on the shores of the Mississippi, go to a zoo, ski, kayak, etc.

  14. I got into a fight with my husband a few nights ago and he’s still upset. We both said things we didn’t mean / would never stand by (it got into stuff about both of our parents, which I really regret). I had to leave for a trip yesterday, so it’s now been 2.5 days since the argument and we haven’t really talked since (he was silent treatment when we were together and now we are both apart).

    For those who have been married longer, can you come back from a conflict where you say things you regret? We have only been married 6 months but generally have a really loving supportive relationship. We recently moved and have both been stressed for other reasons as well.

    1. Well of course you can come back from it, conflicts happen, people say things they regret all the time. You need to own your part and apologize genuinely, express that you don’t want to fight that way, and once feelings are less intense, talk about a way to prevent getting to that place in the future. Like anything with a relationship, communication is key and part of growing together in marriage is figuring out how to do that communication, especially when stressed. And don’t beat yourself up either, it happens, especially when life is stressful. The repair is the important part, not holding yourself to a perfect standard. His silent treatment isn’t helpful, but he may not know how to engage in a conversation about the fight, and you guys may need to work together to figure out how to resolve these issues better going forward.

        1. I agree with that advice but also – silent treatment is really not ok. I don’t know how you approached him after things quieted down, but if you were genuinely apologetic and want to work on not “going there” in the future, and he responded by just… ignoring you? that is not normal or healthy!

          1. Yes, I came to him apologetic the next morning and he said “let me sleep.” I tried apologizing again the next day and he wasn’t ready to engage. He seems really beaten down by it and isn’t ready to talk.

          2. Is he on the spectrum at all? I had a partner once who was and it took a lot of time for him to process our fights.

    2. Did you apologize before you left, even if he didn’t respond? Have you two been texting or talking at all while you’ve been away?

      Don’t try to resolve this over text. The tone never comes across right. But you can send normal/slightly sappier than normal texts. DH and I don’t really text much, but when we’re apart or feeling prickly it can be a nice connection point to send a little love note or a funny cat gif or something. Even just an I love you can help soften things until you’re back together in person. You’ll get through this.

    3. Married 20 years. Yes, you can definitely come back from this. Two suggestions: 1) Write out what you want to say. You don’t need to send it, but put it on paper. And really take responsibility for your part in it. 2) Be willing to really hear your spouse explain why they were hurt. That can be hard. I often want to rush to the apology, rather than listen to why I caused the hurt. But part of restoring the relationship is really understanding the hurt that was caused. Finally, this goes both ways, of course. It takes two to fight and two to apologize.

    4. Great suggestions above. I’m going to tackle this from a different angle:

      As someone who had brutal family-of-origin fights with my almost-ex husband: I have to ask, what specifically were the fights about?

      It is normal for people to struggle to adapt to marriage and think of their parents as “their family.” They often treat their spouse as a glorified boyfriend or girlfriend, with the family of origin taking priority.

      When you marry, you are forming a new family. This doesn’t mean that you kick your family of origin to the curb; it means that your priorities shift.

      Is that part of the problem here?

      1. I think there are a lot of assumptions here. It was probably related to how parents spend money and show affection–and how that rubbed off on child. Those are the below the belt types of fights people regret, not treating family of origin like actual family.

      2. That priority shift can be brutal, especially when one (or both) of the families of origin have expectations that were reasonable within their family dynamic but aren’t reasonable within the new dynamic. My in-laws expected every holiday to be celebrated as if my spouse was still a 19yo college student while my parents were less demanding but had their own requests. It was really hard and neither set was happy when we put our foot down about Xmas at home with an infant. But we all managed in the end.

        1. Thank you for understanding. It was that and more for us; “that” would be the tip of the iceberg of unreasonableness.

    5. Yes, you can come back. It is the repair that is crucial. In addition, the silent treatment IS abuse and for me, a non-negotiable. I recommend looking into the feedback wheel, as well as the Terry Real book “US”.

        1. Not communicating that you are not ready to talk about it is the silent treatment. Part of communicating is to say that you are not ready, and to indicate how much time you need to restore yourself to communicate.

          1. This is a lot to ask when a person might not know how much time they require. We disagree, which is fine. It’s just two data points for the poster to consider.

    6. Having been married for a very long time, sometimes just taking a break from talking / being in the same space can help re-set everyone’s emotional levels and help you move past the fight.

      Frankly, I’ve said things I regret in fights. But over the years, I’ve learned how to fight fair or at least fair-er, and decide when it’s not worth it to fight. Conflict is inevitable, but one thing that has helped me is to have outside interests and supportive friends/family so it’s not just my spouse who is a safe person.

    7. I’ve been married three times (third time’s the charm for me), and I urge you to schedule some marital counseling sessions so you can both learn how to handle conflict more constructively and not let this become a pattern in your marriage. Most couples wait to get help until it’s far too late — you have a chance to nip a negative pattern in the bud so please take it! Even if your relationship is otherwise great, the reason it’s important to identify and work on unhealthy conflict strategies is that I firmly believe that relationships stand or fall not on the good parts, but on the worst parts. Like, would you want to eat a delicious meal if you knew that at some point you were going to have a bite full of sh!t? Of course not. And if you know your husband is willing to freeze you out for days at a time if you say the wrong thing, even if you apologize, that’s going to cast a pall over even the good times. (Ask me how I know.)

    8. You can, absolutely. It takes work and commitment to repair, and it takes patience. You’ve already gotten some good advice, but I’ll add: When apologizing, do not re-adjudicate or return to the argument anew. Let the apology stand alone, remind him that you love and support him, and that you regret whatever you said. Then, later, return to the conversation if need be: what needs to be worked out, and how can you do it as a team?

  15. That sweater is beautiful but with exchange, tariffs etc, it is $140
    Ugh
    There is starting to be very little decent clothes shopping in Canada

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