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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Pintuck Flare Midi Dress

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A woman wearing a green sleeveless midi dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I know this is a day late for St. Patrick’s Day, but the color of this midi dress from Ann Taylor is just too gorgeous to miss. Cap sleeves fall into the “love 'em or hate 'em” category, so this may not be for everyone, but I think this would be a great spring office look.

I would add a white blazer and a brown belt to make it a bit more formal, but it would also be beautiful on its own. 

The dress is $189 at Ann Taylor and comes in sizes 00-18 and 00P-16P. 

Sales of note for 4/24:

358 Comments

    1. Yeah. But the styling suggestion isn’t. A decorative waist like that should stand alone without a belt.

      1. I actually think a thin brown belt at the midpoint of the decorative waist would be beautiful here.

    2. I have a shirtdress in the same color that I bought last summer (maybe at Ann Taylor?), and I regularly get compliments on it.

  2. Any recs for Brooklyn? I’ll be there most of next week. Was supposed to meet a friend but she flaked so it’s just me. I’m 40, single, no kids, from the Midwest. Have been to NYC before but never Brooklyn. No activity or diet restrictions. I lean alt/corporate goth. Comfortable with public transit. What would you do? Where would you eat? Any good coffee or bars? Any places to get some work done? Staying in Williamsburg but willing to roam.

    1. Flaked when you’re flying in to meet up? Rude! Very cool you’re still going, though, and you’ll have a great time.

      1. FYI that Oh Mary is launching a US tour this fall. I’d be inclined to see something that isn’t touring soon.

        1. John Cameron Mitchell (creator of Hedwig and the Angry Inch) is playing Mary right now. You can’t see that on a tour.

    3. I’ve always wanted to get a drink at Bemmelman’s bar at the Carlyle but am usually too busy on work trips or have kids / spouse in tow (in which case, I’m a big fan of going to McSorley’s after a tour at the Tenement Museum). McSorley’s is one of those legendary NYC bars (they do serve food also).

      Walking down W 4th street in Manhattan going from NYU west is a great urban walk (there is a subway stop at W 4th). I am from NJ, so my NYC knowledge is not great on Brooklyn. For me, if I go for work, I like the Incentra Guest House in the West Village because I love to walk everywhere and love super-old things. If I can stay at the New York Athletic Club, that is also one of those old iconic places. But someone can probably give you the non-roaming version of this. Brooklyn has just changed so much since I moved away.

    4. Does alt/corporate goth mean you listen to metal/core/posthardcore etc? If so there’s some pretty cool shows (as in like concerts) according to bandsintown. So if I was you I’d go to a show.

    5. I feel like all of Manhattan is corporate goth, no? Even business-casual and dress for your day means that I can wear all of the black turtlenecks and lady jackets with denim and black Doc Martins / boots / loafers / flats as long as I look presentable on a surprise zoom.

      1. I think probably yes. And I’d probably be much more of a normie in NYC than I am in my midwestern city. But I included it to hopefully get some recs like the one for metal/core shows above or perhaps some things that may be more off the beaten path than google, yelp, or Reddit’s favs.

        1. If you roll like I think you do, see if you can get a good solo seat by a hockey game. I swear they are cathartic and have the best music.

          1. In nyc???? I would skip this suggestion. If you want to leave Williamsburg, another neighborhood to check out/roam would be gowanus & red hook.

    6. Williamsburg (and Greenpoint, which is adjacent) specific recs:

      Kijitora (matcha and cute coffee shop) or any of the other million coffee shops
      Great dinner, walk in and hope for a seat: Four Horsemen, Bernie’s, the Snail, Lilia or Misi. Easier time at Santa Fe BK if you want a margarita (or great breakfast burritos). Mogador, Leo and Rule of Thirds also great. Rooftop drink with a view at Bar Blondeau or Westlight.
      Google Greenpoint and “little Japan” and follow the suggested maps for cool shops and restaurants
      Check out Archestratus (cookbook shop) before it closes, or the outpost of McNally Jackson
      Check out Domino Park and get a pastry at Birdee. Browse boutiques on Grand St or major peak Millennial retail on n 6th.

      1. A couple of other thoughts: it’s nice to walk into Greenpoint and see all the historic brownstones. Great retail on Franklin (and brunch at Chez Ma Tante) and then the side streets are pretty btw Franklin and Manhattan Ave. Manhattan Ave has some of the old “Little Poland” shops still going strong, and Peter Pan donuts is famous.

    7. If you feel like museums, the Whitney Biennial is on right now – I went last weekend and it was great – I feel like a “corporate goth” would enjoy it. There’s also a Frida Kahlo exhibit starting at MOMA next week. in Tribeca, DH and I just had dinner at Terroir, on the recommendation of somebody here. Great wine and food and a friendly, chill vibe. I’m guessing you could sit at the bar and strike up a conversation with another patron or the bartender. No specific recs for Brooklyn, except that I think there’s still a weekend flea market in DUMBO that’s great.

    8. One tip – since you are staying in Williamsburg, note that getting from north Brooklyn (eg Williamsburg) to south Brooklyn (like Park Slope) is a PITA since the transit system is focused on getting people into midtown Manhattan. Should you choose to take the subway south, you will be at the mercy of the sweet baby G train (it is shorter than other subway trains, only 4 cars long), which takes forever and tends to stop in a part of the platform where you are not standing, forcing you to run for it. It’s mercurial. It may be more convenient for you to get to a lot of places in Manhattan than in Brooklyn from where you are staying.

      Williamsburg is extremely gentrified and bougie these days – you should find lots of hip boutiques and restaurants and coffee shops where people work remotely.

      In terms of what to do – go see some theater! Cats: The Jellicle Ball just started previews. I saw it Off-Broadway and highly recommend it if you are at all into drag/ballroom culture. Also on the street dance front, I am going to the All-Styles dance battle at the Perelman Performing Arts Center saturday night, which is down by the world trade center. I went last year and it was a lot of fun. For Broadway musicals, I would also consider Operation Mincemeat, Death Becomes Her & Ragtime. There are a million museums and live performance options – its hard to know where to start in giving you recommendations.

      1. I am scratching my head at Cats — it was the most fever dream thing I’ve seen and even my life. I am amazed that it seems to have 9 lives (and now a spin-off?).

        1. One review of this version said that making Cats set within a drag ball makes it finally make sense. It still doesn’t ENTIRELY make sense, but the dancing and the songs are amazing.

      2. + 1 to this first paragraph.

        Although you feel the need to check out other areas of Brooklyn, despite the lack of convenience, a walk along the Brooklyn heights promenade or under the bridge in dumbo is lovely. Brooklyn heights is a short stop from Wall Street or a long walk over the Brooklyn bridge from city hall.
        From there you can walk one way to dumbo and another to cobble hill and Carrol gardens. Bon appetite did a recent article on Italian American food in Carrol gardens so I take it the food is still good.

        I think Williamsburg is far more cool these days but I would argue that Brooklyn heights is really special. It’s the calm and quiet but still very New York. When we lived there we would find that visitors would frequently muse about living there. It’s hard not to pick your favorite brownstone. Mine would face the promenade of course. Have a great trip.

    9. I second the suggestion to go see some shows. In Williamsburg, Bushwick, and Greenpoint, you could check out National Sawdust, Brooklyn Steel, Ornithology, the Knockdown Center, and the Good Room. Public Records, the Paramount, and the Brooklyn Academy of Music would also have good things. Eater NY and NY Mag both have good restaurant recommendations. Lots of places will have bar seating good for solo dining. I’d check out Radio Bakery, Roman’s, Kellogg Diner, Four Horsemen, Win Son, Strange Delight, Suzume, and Eyval. You got good shopping suggestions in Greenpoint, I think Atlantic Ave is also fun to walk down (west of Barclays) and you might like shopping in East Williamsburg and around the Morgan stop on the L train. Have fun!

  3. low stakes question: how many pairs of sheets do you have? my brother was saying that he washes and puts back on; my husband and i have about 3 sets for each season

    2. We have 3 or 4 sets of sheets but we really only use 1. I hate folding sheets, so it’s easier to just wash and immediately put back on.

    3. 2 sets for ours, 2 for kid, 2 for guest bed. We have a seperate stack for house swap guests, b/c it’s just easier to keep them all together.

    4. I’ve done both ways, depending on my storage situation. I don’t have sheets per season, I use 100% linen year-round and have three sets.

    5. Two. I kinda preferred it back when I had one and would just immediately put back on.

    6. We have two sets per bed, but my husband does the laundry and hates folding sheets so he washes one set and puts it right back on the bed. When that set wears out we rotate in the spare and I buy a new pair to sit unused. I do not insist on rotating linens because I am happy to have clean sheets appear by magic.

      1. I also have two sets but never use one of them. They are just emergency sheets in case something happens.

      2. This exactly. You’ve gotta have at least a spare, but it’s fine if you don’t use it until the other wears out.

        1. The sudden loss of elasticity or sudden rip of constantly used sheets is a thing. #humbled.

    9. Three (linen, cotton, flannel). I still wash and put back on because we want linen in the hottest part of summer, flannel in the coldest part of winter, and cotton when it’s actually comfortable temps.

      1. I guess the flannel is also cotton! But the cotton sheets we have are those cool touch hygrocotton ones which are what I prefer and what I’d stick with if not for seasons.

    10. Two sets for my kids’ twin bed, which are just different patterns, four sets for my husband and I, which have different weights for different seasons: linen, cotton, flannel. Two sets is my minimum though – I like to immediately replace sheets and not worry about delays in the washing process.

    11. We just wash and put back on, but do have a couple extra sets of less preferred sheets in case of emergency and a lot of extra pillowcases as I tend to swap those out more often than sheets and we also have a bunch of random pillows.

    12. Two. One gets washed, the other gets installed. The washed set then sits in a laundry basket until one of us finally decides to fold and put it away.

    13. We have about 3 flannel, 3 percale for each size of bed which means 5000 sheets because DD has a full, DS and DD2 have queen, and we have king.

    14. We have 3 or 4 for our bed, I think 2 for the guest bed, and 1 for each of the air mattresses (which are different sizes).

      I’m intrigued by the notion of changing sheets by the season. I change my comforter seasonally but not my sheets. What are winter sheets? Flannel?

      1. Op here – y we have flannel for winter, linen for summer, and cotton and t-shirt sheets for whenever

    15. 2. One in active use (typically wash and put right back on the bed). The second pair is the ‘retired’ prior set, and used only in the event of midnight emergency or to make a couch-bed if someone’s sick.

    16. 2 for each bed. Used all year (not seasonal). Sometimes we wash and put the same set back on, and sometimes we rotate.

    18. 1 for “wash and put back on”. I guess I have a 2nd set for the air mattress that could be used in an emergency? Or, I dunno, I’d wrap myself up in a cotton bedspread for a few nights and order new ones :)

    19. For each active bed in the house we have 2 sets. Two of my kids have a 3rd set of cozy winter sheets.

    22. 2- one that’s flannel for cold weather, and one that’s cotton percale for warm weather. And one for guests.

  4. Other than choosing “save for later” in your online shopping cart, what other methods do you use to avoid impulsive online purchases? I tend to go 0 to 100 from having a thought/discovering something exists, researching options, finding a good contender, and clicking buy now. The dopamine is real.

    1. I try to go for merchants and amounts that have free shipping and free and/or easy returns. That way I get the dopamine hit but I only keep what I really want. I don’t do this often, and over time, I keep enough stuff that I’m not taking advantage of the merchant.

    2. I don’t churn my wardrobe. If I buy something I wear it out. So there is very little need or room for new things. I buy a few fun things each season but otherwise focus my energy on styling what I have.

    3. The dopamine is real, but so is the hangover. The box that arrives with a wrinkled mess that doesn’t fit and then you have to send back.

        1. Though I say this, but then tailored a search for a Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking that I could buy via Shop because I’m lazy.

    5. I live by my budget. If I have discretionary balance available and I really want that item enough to spend those dollars, I buy it. If I’d rather save those dollars for something else, I don’t buy.

      1. This is interesting. I am not OP, but might as well be. Nothing really works, because I have no respect for budgets or arbitrary limitations. But I think I can find a way to fixate myself on one day a week shopping (also arbitrary, I know, but was the only suggestion that tugged at me.)

        1. I’m the one who suggested only buying on one day – when I do it all at once, I realize how much I’m buying, which is how it is a brake. I can look at everything I want all together and see if I really need it.

    7. Tedious as they sound, budgeting and decluttering do it for me. The budgeting means I can’t randomly buy stuff that I don’t have the money to be buying. I’m assuming your income is high enough that “not enough money” isn’t a brake for you.

      But no matter the income, decluttering and keeping a clutter-free house is a HUGE check for my impulse purchases. There’s nothing like continually decluttering stuff I didn’t really need to help me make different decisions about what to bring into the house in the first place.

      1. Yeah, getting rid of things before multiple cross country moves has completely cured me of any desire to acquire more stuff. And seeing how much my investments have gone up with all the money I no longer spend helps too.

      2. +1 re. decluttering. Hauling bags of barely used stuff to Goodwill makes one think more carefully about subsequent purchases.

    8. If it’s not something I need/am purposely shopping for, I make myself wait at least one day to click purchase. Many times I forget, or my size is gone, or the sale is over so it’s not as desirable. If I still want it the next day and it’s available, I will get it. I’ve also become much more strict about my style, so I won’t buy things that don’t fit my aesthetic/lifestyle even if they are cute.

    9. Try to not put yourself in the position to begin with. I only online shop when I have in mind the item and amount I’ll spend beforehand. Just scrolling is too tempting.

    11. I hate feeling manipulated, and read about social media algorithms, influencer culture and corporate greed. Then my antagonist streak does the rest.

    12. Now I’m not going to recommend that you develop financial anxiety, but as someone who has financial anxiety and finds buying things to be unpleasant and stressful, here’s a widow into my mind when I’m buying something. Is this really going to give me $X amount of utility or enjoyment? Do I really need it? Is it going to make my life meaningfully better? I could use this money for something that meaningfully improves my life or the life of someone else if this didn’t do that it’s a waste. Do I have space for this? Will it become clutter? Is it actually what is pictured/good quality? Will it last? Will it last too long and then I’ll feel guilty throwing it away later?

      Also, I do my window shopping at the library. You can grab anything you want for free, they don’t know whether you read/watched it or not nor do they care. Then you return it and your left with the enjoyable memory. And if it was really good, you can always check it out again.

    14. I use google notes to save the details and I will try to buy it used from a Thrift store, ThredUp, FB Marketplace, etc.
      This makes it more of a delayed “hunt & gather” experience which I find more rewarding than purchasing directly.

    15. I don’t have any store apps
      I’m not logged in, and save nothing to my cart.
      I don’t normally shop from my phone.
      I don’t get store emails.
      I pay for shipping.

      I keep a list of bookmarks in my regular browser. If I think I might want something, I bookmark the page in my planned purchases bookmark list, and then review, if I even remember, later. Most of the time I do not buy. This works very well with the situation you describe in your post. The thrill was finding the item, not purchasing.

      If I need a specific item urgently, that’s different, but for most things I actively avoid activating FOMO.

    16. I don’t recommend it, but ADHD actually works in my favor in this context. I find myself browsing and adding items to the cart, but then I get into an analysis paralysis…. I’ll think that maybe I have another item from the same brand in my closet so I should double check sizing, or that I may want to add additional items to the cart to round out the order, and then I start searching for other items and ultimately lose steam and leave the items in the cart until they become unavailable in my size. If I check back in after an few days and the items are still available, I’d say 60% of the time I realize I’m not interested in them anymore and 40% of the time I complete the order.

    17. I save things to Pinterest to get them out of my mind. If I still rember them and still want them, I’ll go rder them. But rarely do I remember them, so going through my Pinterest Want List is an interesting snapshot of forgotten moments in time.

    18. I keep a list in my planner of things I want to buy or that seems shiny and fun. Every so often I revisit the list to see if there is anything I truly want. Usually the answer is no.

  5. Can we have a book recommendations thread? I just finished Demon Copperhead, and it’s a beautifully written book but so sad that I’m looking for something lighter this time around. I love classics and richly written novels, old or new.

    1. I’ve been on a T. Kingfisher kick lately. For something light, I’d read her YA novel, A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking. My favorite character is the somewhat-sentient sourdough starter.

      1. I’m intrigued! And I usually ignore book suggestions here, because my taste is so narrow and specific. But a semi-sentient sourdough starter is too cute to be ignored.

        I’ve been avoiding Demon Copperhead, even though Bean Trees is one of my favorite books.

        1. I avoided for a long while too, then read because it was a book club book. So glad I read it!

        2. I really, really enjoyed Demon Copperhead. It achieved what JD Vance’s stupid book purports (and completely fails) to achieve.

          2. Beth Macy’s Paper Girl is in this same category. Beautifully written, insightful, and empathetic about working-class folks.

      2. I looooooove T. Kingfisher. I just grabbed Swordheart from my local indie bookstore. Nettle and Bone is also a good one.

    2. I just read Kin, the new Tayari Jones, and loved it. There were very sad elements, but it was such a stunning portrait of friendship.

      I’m doing a Laurie Colwin completist project (only 1 left) – and honestly, the most realistic but uplifiting portrayal of grown up romance and love. And I’m reading the House of Niccolo books which are old, and so dense, but so engaging.

    3. Recommendations below, but I also wanted to share my hack for finding great books. I follow authors I love who also happen to own bookstores. In particular, Parnassus Books, owned by Ann Patchett, and Books Are Magic, owned by Emma Straub.

      As for specific recommendations, I devoured Kin by Tayari Jones as soon as my copy arrived in the mail. It’s not light, but it has so much heart and hopefulness. I didn’t find it heavy the way I did Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver.

      Other fiction I’ve really enjoyed over the past couple of years includes Black Cake and Good Dirt by Charmaine Wilkerson, Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan, Lady Tan’s Circle of Women by Lisa See (set in 15th-century China), Conclave by Robert Harris, Trespasses by Louise Kennedy, The Eights by Joanna Miller (about the early female Oxford students), The Lion Women of Tehran by Marjan Kamali, Tom Lake by Ann Patchett, Sorrow and Bliss by Meg Mason, Margo’s Got Money Troubles by Rufi Thorpe, The English Understand Wool by Helen DeWitt (novella), the Emma M. Lion series by Beth Brower, the Thursday Murder Club series by Richard Osman, Sarah Phillips by Andrea Lee, Maggie; Or, a Man and a Woman Walk Into a Bar by Katie Yee, The Correspondent by Virginia Evans, Sandwich by Catherine Newman, My Father’s House and The Ghosts of Rome by Joseph O’Connor (set around the Vatican during WWII), Shark Heart by Emily Habeck, The Paris Novel by Ruth Reichl, The Love Songs of W. E. B. Du Bois by Honorée Fanonne Jeffers, The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donoghue (especially good as an audiobook), and The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store by James McBride.

      1. Through Insta and Facebook Ann Patchett has some good videos of her giving book recommendations. Highly recommend!

    4. I’m reading Frozen River and really enjoying it. Also got into the Kate Atkinson Jackson Brodie novels.

    5. I just started The Loneliness of Sunny and Sonia and I can’t put it down. Very richly written.

    7. Theo of Golden is lovely. The opposite of Demon Copperhead, which I could not get through. I do not appreciate fiction in which nothing good ever happens to anyone.

    8. In same vein of truly excellent books – The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store and The Correspondent. The Frozen River or The God of the Woods for more thriller like. The Wedding People, Family Family, and The Most Fun We Ever Had for more generally good fiction. These are my favorites from past couple years.

        1. Old Curtis Sittenfeld Prep? Yes of course, a few times. Big CS fan and I recommend all her books!
          I third the wedding people, the correspondent. Of course Wild Dark Shores needs a mention though it’s not lighter than demon copperhead.

          For lighter books I love most of Katherine Center books though they can be sad or have heavier themes, but they’re usually beautiful modern romance themes. Love the Vera Wong series, very fun mysteries.

          Atmosphere by Taylor Jenkins Reid was great as is most of her catalog.

        2. Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld? I read it in college and loved it so much. She has a lot of other good books too.

        3. Curtis Sittenfeld has a collection of short stories out, one of which revists the protagonist of Prep as an adult. (I really related to her in Prep, and also wanted to smack her upside the head most of the time.)

    9. Try some Barbara Pym for some gently sardonic British novels about village life, vicars and spinsters in the post war period (avoid Quartet in Autumn or The Sweet Dove Died if you are looking for something not sad). She was a Booker Prize finalist and a favorite of Philip Larkin and she had a very keen eye for ironies and ridiculousness as well as social structures.

      In the same vein, “A Month in the Country” by J.L. Carr is one of my favorites — it’s a short novel in which absolutely nothing happens but it’s a thrilling page turner, I don’t know how to describe it! Also a Booker nominee.

      1. Thank you for these! I’m reading “Excellent Women” now and will look into “A Month in the Country.”

    10. I really loved Beautyland by Marie-Helene Bertino.
      It’s a bit of a coming of age, where the narrator believes she is an alien. Lots of amusing and light-hearted observations about women and society.

  6. Paging the duck footed: I did a shoe refresh for the first time in ages, and found good options at Cole Haan, Dansko, Jack Rogers, Naturalizer, Rockport and Seychelles. Go down a half size in Seychelles. Snip toe flats, pointy toe flats and loafers.

      1. Cole Haan Stassi loafer. Dansko Danica loafer. Their other flats run too big. Jack Rogers Kenlyn ballet. Naturalizer Havana flat. Rockport Tessa. Almost everything Rockport fits. DSW has a better return policy than Rockport. Seychelles Cambridge flat.

  7. Does anyone else’s SO have a weird hangup about your birthday? DH is a great gift-giver. He’s very generous during reciprocal holidays like Christmas and Valentine’s day. He’s an awesome cook and can bake when he wants to.

    But he always botches my birthday. After our first year together I started to specifically ask for what I want – a cupcake, or a fancy dinner out with a tasting menu, or an afternoon at a specific winery with friends – and he always manages to get it wrong in a way that feels intentional or at least half-hearted. Instead of a cupcake he got a brownie. The tasting menu was at a restaurant that I know and dislike the owner (and DH knows this). The winery, he didn’t invite half my friends (I did), he didn’t order a cake or any dessert, and he charged all the wine to my account at the winery (I’ve been a member since before we met and it comes out of my fun money budget).

    When I’ve talked to him about it, he says these are good faith mistakes. I like brownies so why isn’t a brownie good enough? The restaurant has good food/he forgot I have beef with the owner. He didn’t realize I’d want a cake and thought the winery account was a joint account (but didn’t offer to pay me back). I know I should assume good intentions. It’s probably not intentional. But it sure does seem like it’s a half hearted effort. And thinking back to other relationships, I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy who was as invested in celebrating my birthday as even some casual friends are. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Is this a price of admission for being in a relationship with a straight man?

    1. My DH is not in charge of my birthday in any way, but in general terms, I think he is a more airheaded event planner than I am. He’s a kind of chill, low anxiety person, and I think that the flipside of not generally overthinking things is that he underthinks them from my perspective.

    2. Price of admission for *this particular person.*

      Every time my car has broken down, H has been there with no fussing to scoop me up on the side of the road or where the car has tied and stayed to wait for the tow truck. I feel that he actually prefers that (vs being annoyed), like the universe is confirming his value. And it’s never a local trip — my car never breaks down in this state and it’s always on a weekend where he likely had plans for himself.

      I’d never ask him to do the taxes though.

    3. When it comes to other events, holidays, parties you guys host, kids events, travel, summer plans, etc. does he do the planning, organizing, detail tracking, and remembering of all the factors that go into a decision (beef with restaurant owner, who pays for what, the difference between a cookie and a brownie)? Does he get it exactly right down to the nth detail? If he’s that kind of person and does all that for everything EXCEPT your birthday, then that’s odd. If he doesn’t do that for anything, including your birthday, then that’s just who he is.

    4. If I have a specific vision I plan it myself (tell him which restaurant I want him to book, coordinate with my friends on my own or give him a list of friends to invite, request X cake flavor from Y bakery). For his birthday I also ask for specifics. I would be pretty miffed if he just said “I want sushi” then complained about the restaurant I chose.

      Making you pay for your own party is crazy though. That makes me wonder if he’s inconsiderate in other ways and the birthday thing is one of many issues.

      1. I retract the first half of my comment since you clarified the cupcake thing happened during covid lockdown and the restaurant owner SA’ed your friend. Your husband isn’t juggling too many balls or forgetting a petty grievance. It seems like he’s actively trying to get under your skin. Are you sure this behavior is limited to your birthday?

    5. What does he do well about the other holidays? And about generally being thoughtful day-to-day?

    6. This only applies to the winery issue, would combined finances help so you don’t feel like you’re paying for it?

      1. Right? Like it’s all y’all’s money. How is life going to be in retirement for you? No one has a hip replacement but I want the good rental hospital bed and new recliner budget line item.

      2. We have a joint account and we each have our own separate accounts for our own spending money. He could put it on the joint account and that would be fine.

        I like having separate accounts for a lot of reasons. It preserves surprises. It prevents questions/arguments/annoyance about why are you spending $X on Y. As long as it’s in my fun budget I don’t want to answer to anyone about how I spend money. And I’m not interested in policing his spending; I don’t want to know how much that dumb sports scoreboard thing was, as long as it’s in his budget it doesn’t matter, and seeing the line item for however much it cost would just annoy me. There’s a marginal security benefit: we have accounts at 3 different banks, if something happens to one account we still have money in 2 others.

        1. Can you not reimburse yourself out of joint funds (but b/c you own half of them, gross up the reimbursement so you’re not shorted)? Or did you want to have him write a check back to you? I feel like this sort of line-iteming is not how I want to live, but you do you.

          1. Yeah, I don’t agree with separate finances but if you do them you shouldnt pay for your own birthday. Reimburse yourself!

        2. You’re still not on the same team with this plan. You shouldn’t fight about who buys what, you talk about collective goals and spend accordingly. And one pot doesn’t mean one bank account, lol – you can and should have money in multiple places.

          2. Hardly, I think she should get out because they’re not actually married or behaving like partners. Just pointing it out.

    7. I feel like other than turning 1 and maybe 16 and definitely 21 and maybe a landmark like 50 or decades after that, I don’t get the adult fuss over birthdays. It feel like how bridesmaids events have gotten so much mission creep that it’s an obligation and no longer fun. Grab a drink? Yes. Make a reservation? Also yes. But center my life around this? If I truly must, I demand precise instructions (down to where you have beefs with the owner) because I am not a mind reader.

      1. I also don’t have patience for adult birthdays, but my SO loves his, so I try a bit, but fortunately he likes the same restaurant every year, so it’s easier. But we also use his credit card to pay for it.

      2. same, I do not understand why adult birthdays are a thing. I have no idea when my friends’ birthdays are. I know when my husband’s birthday is so I can write it on forms, but brownie vs. cupcake seems like finding things to be mad about if he is otherwise a decent guy.

        1. Ha I think the cupcake thing is the one I’m most “mad” about! Mostly because it’s the most straightforward example. It was during Covid so we couldn’t really do anything. I said I only want one thing for my birthday: a single cupcake. I do not want a cake because I don’t want to be tempted to eat a whole cake for just two people. I just want one cupcake. He got a brownie from the bakery section in a grocery store that is always stocked with cupcakes. Infuriating! Why didn’t you just get me what I asked for??? My friends and I still call it cupcakegate when it comes up.

          1. IDK why everyone is defending your DH, you had explicit instructions and he did not follow them. We would not accept such things from our employees so why must we accept this from a supposed partner?

          2. I hear you, though I don’t feel the same level of annoyance on your behalf as your friends might. Maybe the cupcakes looked like garbage and the brownie looked delicious. I could see myself making the same determination.

          3. 12:06, your spouse is not an employee and isn’t bound by instructions, even out of love.

          4. I think that cupcakes often look like they have caulk for icing.

            But a spouse is not an employee! Do you do mutual 360 degree reviews and annual / quarterly evaluations?

          6. Did you explicitly tell him you wanted a cupcake, only a cupcake, and nothing but a cupcake? Because it sounds like he heard “small, individual baked good” and fulfilled that, then you got angry because he didn’t realize you really meant exactly one cupcake and nothing else.

            All of your complaints read like you are bad a communicating. And if you are the kind of adult who has “beefs” with restaurant owners, that doesn’t really surprise me.

          7. Omg, obviously she said she wanted a cupcake. Why do you have to defend her partner instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt? Worst trait of this place.

          8. Anon @ 12:36, I have a problem with that restaurant owner because he tried to rape my friend. We were having drinks at the bar when the owner saw us and started pouring shots. It was fun at first but after a while I became concerned about how much friend was drinking. I tried to convince her to go home but she wanted to stay so I did too, I grabbed bottled water. She went to the bathroom and after a while, I went to check on her. I found the owner on top of her groping her and hiking up her dress. She was unconscious. I pulled him off of her and called the police but nothing came of it because “nothing happened” according to them and she didn’t want to press charges. I’ve heard through the grapevine that similar things have happened to other women. That was before I met DH but he knows what happened, so yeah I was pretty mad he picked that restaurant.

          10. Wow, you are not overreacting; that is very hard to explain as an innocent mistake. I honestly can’t imagine my husband suggesting a restaurant owned by a creep just on a grapevine/reputation level if we were both aware of the issue, but you were the witness and got the police involved, and somehow it was still lost on him that you wouldn’t want to have a birthday party there? I cannot imagine what his defense was unless he swears he mixed it up with another restaurant entirely.

          11. OP, that sounds awful. But again, have you actually communicated this to your partner? If you have said in passing that you have an old beef with the owner, that’s vastly different from telling your spouse that place is verboten because the owner is a violent serial predator who should be locked up. Holding your spouse to unspoken standards and expectations is pretty shitty, even if those expectations are reasonable given the facts and circumstances involved.

          12. OP, my ex-husband started off like this. It wasn’t for birthdays; it was for other things. I originally blamed myself, thought it was all in my head, price of admission, no one’s perfect, etc.

            The passive-aggressive increased in intensity and scope. I wound up in a wheelchair 3 weeks before I was supposed to run the Boston Marathon. Because “whoops.”

            Based on the restaurant owner example, I strongly encourage you to go to therapy ALONE. Keep working until you find a therapist who is the right fit.

      3. Being spoiled by my closest people on one day of the year is nice. I can be mature and take care of everything the rest of the time. I’ve never understood why people need to begrudge others a bit of harmless fun.

        1. This doesn’t sound like harmless fun. It sounds like foisting your own expectations on to others and then being disappointed in them for failing to live up.

          1. Are you the husband? Asking for a cupcake on your birthday is the epitome of harmless fun.

          3. Asking for a cupcake =/= demanding a particular thing in a specified quantity from one place.

            I feel like this is the marital equivalent of the Van Halen “no brown M&Ms” rider, which I do understand *for them* but do not want in a social relationship.

          4. This, exactly.

            There’s a difference arranging for something fun and carrying a grudge years later because someone dared to buy you a brownie. Buy your own darn cupcake if it’s that serious or appreciate that someone recognized your birthday. It’s adulting.

          6. Pretending to not understand clear and unambiguous communication is a rotten birthday present.

          7. “A brownie is not a cupcake.” WHO CARES? People are allowed to deviate from the script.

          8. “A brownie is not a cupcake” is exactly why this isn’t harmless fun. If I felt like if I didn’t get the demand just right that partner would be holding a grudge years later and be talking about it with all of their friends, guess who wouldn’t be getting a cupcake or a brownie going forward? What a weird way to take a nice gesture and turn it ugly.

        2. Same. I love my birthday and everyone close to me knows that and plays along. I’m also the one who remembers and celebrates theirs and it all makes life a little more fun.

    8. This is weaponized incompetence, he doesn’t like you being the centre of attention.

      My DH does the same nonsense and I’m so over it. For my birthday I requested fancy sushi from a particular spot, he got our usual fast and quick sushi, then his gift to me was tickets to see my EX’s band play which was then a performative exercise of how look how good this therapy was working he’s not angry and is so enlightened, he deserves a cookie, like MFer you made this whole day about youuuuu.

      1. You sound angry. Which is fine, but I’m not sure it’s good for your relationship to hang expectations on how you treat each other around a birthday.

    9. Price of admission. It sounds sometimes you have specific expectations about how want things to go (birthday) and other times (Christmas) DH surprises you and that’s part of the celebration. It’s 100% okay to want things a specific way on your birthday but it sounds like the price of admission is planning it yourself. (I agree with you; I like my b-day to be a specific way, and I plan it for exactly that reason.)

    10. I would say that my DH is not good at birthdays in the sense that if left to his own devices it would be bad, but he can follow straightforward directions about what I want. This is definitely not a price of admission for straight men.

    11. I haven’t had a birthday cake in seven years and I would really like one! This may out me but there was one year where our first child was born, it was Valentines, and it was my birthday within a four day period and I did not get so much as a card.

      But DH does dishes and is awesome. I think birthdays are something it’s best to have no expectations about. This year I told him something I wanted specifically but he still didn’t get it ordered in time and gave me a printed invoice (it was a weighted blanket, this wasn’t that exciting). So yeah, even with directions, this can be the cost of admission I think.

      People post birthdays on instagram when they actually do stuff. They do not post the mediocre ones.

        1. haha okay bad example. he does like 75% of housework. and all dog care. and an equal amount of kid stuff. and we both work full time. he actually just picks up the slack way more than me. he’s a very equal partner. to maybe unequal in my favor. I’d take a year of taking a larger share of housework over a specific birthday celebration all day long!

          1. As you should! A life together can be a long slog, and it’s good to have a partner who is a real partner to make it worth living. These birthday people are way too much, and I’m glad I didn’t marry one.

      2. This reminds me of my first Mother’s Day. I had a six week old baby and DH was out of town for work at a conference. My parents picked me up and we went to a fancy restaurant and when the bill came my dad gave it to me–no acknowledgment that the fussy six-week old baby in the car seat next to me also made me a mom. I think I lost it in the restaurant.

        1. Haha, yes! Our mothers days are always a celebration of my mother! Actually this is an example of my husband being awesome but also bad at holidays – he hosted my parents and siblings and cooked dinner. I had all my kids make cards for grandma and we bought her flowers. I got… I don’t know, maybe one of my kids made a card? But it was very nice of DH to host everyone! Agh!

        2. Of the four people at that meal, the only one who should have paid is your father: two of the others are mothers and the third didn’t even have an allowance.

    12. If this is the only problematic thing in your relationship yes, just accept he’s never going to be your birthday fairy and plan them yourself. It won’t matter once you have kids anyway.

      But I can’t see how this could be the only thing, this sounds deeply hurtful and I’d be especially pissed about the winery, that could not have been cheap.

    13. This is not universal. You have a husband problem and it probably goes deeper than your birthday. The your money/his money is an red flag.

    14. It’s a lot to demand that other people make a big deal of your birthday. We all have birthdays, so it’s not all that special. If you want to make it meaningful and invite other people to join you, I think that’s lovely. But to get mad at someone else for failing to appropriately acknowledge a birthday is over the top.

      1. I expect a lot of things from my husband that I wouldn’t expect from ‘someone else’ and vice versa.

        1. +1 this is pretty different than expecting all your friends to make a big deal of your birthday.

        3. If we are in a place where asking for a single cupcake for your birthday from your own husband is demanding too much or too high a bar from him, I give up.

          1. No, I’m saying he probably thought he had the freedom to pick the thing that looked best, not just rando cupcake even if that was a less good option.

          2. Right? She literally wanted a cupcake, which isn’t even expensive. Some here will excuse ANYTHING from a man, though.

      2. but she isn’t asking him to surprise her with some intricately planned vacation or activity like ballooning or whatever — she asked for a cupcake. how f’ing hard is it to get someone a cupcake?

        1. A lot of women here expect the bare minimum from men. It’s really sad. My husband is not great at gift-giving or planning, but if I tell him I want a cupcake, he’ll get me a cupcake. It’s wild to be making excuses for this man.

          1. I remember being crushed when my husband got me takeout and forgot to get it gluten-free on some special occasion. I know that he is absent minded and mixes things up easily even when it’s an inconvenience for himself, and I know that he accommodates my diet the other 99% of the time, but I was hangry and so disappointed and not sure if I should peel off the regular wheat bread or what. I was definitely overreacting to a one off mistake (that honestly may have even been the restaurant’s though his reaction was that he’d forgot).

            However the owner of the restaurant also hadn’t assaulted my friend, so I feel OP buried the lede a bit here however inadvertently.

          2. Anyone can make a one-off mistake but it’s clearly a pattern with OP’s husband.

    15. No you should not assume good intentions. I think your husband light hate you and I am dead serious.

      1. Yeah. This might be totally off base for your situation, but there is a brand of narcissist that specializes in doing this — complying with your requests in a way that is slightly wrong so it’s annoying for you, but you can’t get mad at them without feeling like you’re the bad guy.

        3. Agree with this. One of the many red flags i ignored with my second husband was when he bungled my 40th birthday and then blamed me for trying to salvage it.

    16. Some of these comments are blowing my mind lol. I do not care at all about my birthday. But if my spouse feels differently and asks for a cupcake, you better believe I’m getting them a cupcake. If you’re standing in a grocery store and they have cupcakes and brownies and your spouse asked for a cupcake, why on earth would you get a brownie instead? If the cupcake icing looks gross or the flavors aren’t your favorite, then buy a cupcake AND a brownie so you have options. My biggest issue with his response is saying that the brownie was “good enough” – why is his judgment superseding yours on this? Is that a pattern?

      1. Yeah, this. I roll my eyes a little at adults who need the pretty princess treatment for their birthdays, but asking your husband to acknowledge it with a meal of your choice is pretty reasonable. If you ask for a cupcake and he agrees to get a cupcake, what kind of idiot gets a brownie instead?

      2. It’s presumably so he can make her seem crazy and controlling if she says “actually I was hoping for the cupcake I asked for.” Then he can say she was “ungrateful” and “he can never do anything right.”

        1. Ding ding ding! This is the answer. Even if he doesn’t not consciously realize it and he’s totally a nice guy in every other way, this is the answer.

      3. I wonder if all the commenters coming to the DHs defense are just rationalizing because they don’t want to face the abuse in their own marriages.

    17. I’m the planner of events for everything. In my family, with my husband and sometimes with his family. I’m fine with that; I have fun planning and others clearly don’t.

      1. Right? Like there are some things that I feel can be “good enough” or are “materially equivalent.” We may differ on what things these are and that doesn’t make either of us a bad person.

        1. But if you love your spouse, want to see them happy, and have the opportunity to make them happy by giving them a cupcake, why wouldn’t you do it? You’re standing in the bakery, you see cupcakes and brownies, and you pick the one she didn’t ask for. If they’re materially equivalent (to you), why not get the treat your spouse actually requested?

          1. Right? This is crazy to me to dig in like a toddler on “no, I want to get the brownie because *I* want to get the brownie!” Just get the woman her effing $5 cupcake.

          2. In his wildest dreams, he probably didn’t think her heart was set so specifically on a cupcake and absolutely nothing else. Because this is bonkers.

          3. Misunderstandings happen, but there are people who do this kind of thing on purpose knowing that any one instance will sound bonkers, but the pattern over time is to keep putting her in her place.

      2. I also enjoy planning and am the planner for everything, but I like to celebrate my birthday with my family (in a low key way, nothing extravagant) and I’d be annoyed if my husband couldn’t follow through on a direct and simple request like getting me a cupcake. She’s not asking him to plan a multi-week international vacation for goodness sake!

    18. As the person who is like your DH in my relationship, maybe I can lend some perspective. I, like your DH, am great at all the other things you listed. Birthdays are the bane of my existence. I grew up in a house that had neither resources nor will to celebrate bdays, so I am now an adult who doesn’t care. But I’ve had to learn to care because I love my DH, who grew up in a house where bdays are everything. It feels like learning to ride a bike – it was very bumpy for me in the beginning. I still make mistakes. The first year, I very much effed up and we had a *conversation.* Since then, I really try my best and he accepts with gratitude. I often know where I can do better and ask him for next year. So I guess the question is, do you believe DH is trying his best? On balance, it seems he does in every other area, so I would assume good intentions here.

  8. Point me in the right direction for a more-casual dress that’s not nylon / synthetic / athleisure that has a waist and sleeves and has an A-line skirt falling slightly below the knee on 5-4 me. Can’t be a knit material. Pockets ideal. I want the sort of dress my mom and grandmother had that was functional and not too precious and yet not fancy / formal. I see a lot of things that are just a longer t-shirt that are really unflattering on me and everything is either rufflepuff or the skirt is so long I have to hold it up while going up stairs. Where is the middle ground? Can’t be a wrap dress due to prior trauma from one suddenly unwrapping itself.

    2. There seem to be a lot of short sleeved shirt dresses around. Talbots, Banana Republic Factory, Ann Taylor.

      You might also look at Garnet Hill? Maybe J Jill? Boden?

      1. In theory, I want to like Boden, but they never fit in the torso / waist / stomach area and there is always too much skirt. I want 2/3 of a 2026 skirt, both in length and volume.

        Or like an old-school DVF wrap dress that just zips or buttons and is a pop-over.

    3. Look at Tuckernuck – someone posted one the other day that fit the bill. Your requirement of no-knit is going to be tough if it also rules out ponte – woven fabrics are stiffer and not as casual generally.

    4. LL Bean’s women’s signature utility dress would fit the bill if it isn’t too casual for your goal.

    5. You have to like colorful patterns, but Printfresh has options. They’re mostly cotton poplin. And I don’t think they say in the descriptions, but I have a couple and they all have pockets.

    6. That my unicorn dress as well. I’m trying to buy one or sew one, but I’m still working on finessing it.

    8. I’ve had good luck with shirt dresses that fit what you’re describing. Check out the Gap linen blend shirt dress (I got a version last year that was collarless and I love it). Simons.ca also has shirt dresses that would work.

    9. I wanted something similar and just got the Pact fit and flare dress with short sleeves, its great. A bit longer than I expected (I thought just covering the kneecap but its midcalf on me – average height), but thick and yet flowy forgiving cotton fabric.

  9. Inspired by the sheets question- how many towels do you have per person, what is your system for keeping them separate, and how often are they washed? We have a good system for my kids, each kid has one towel in an assigned color. That sounds very rigid, but they picked their colors and then they know whose towel is whose. Those are washed once a week. DH have no system, eight white towels and can never tell which one is cleanest. I tried to put two clean towels in rotation and the other ones away in a closet but somehow all of them are in the mix all of the time!

    1. We have about five bath towels for me and DH, but we are each responsible for our own towels’ swapping and laundering. We each have a different towel bar, so I swap launder mine once or twice a week. I suspect DH launders his less often, but as long as it isn’t getting permanently mildewy, I don’t pay attention. For bathroom hand towels, I swap those about every other day throughout the whole house because we have small kids with grimy hands.

    2. Three towels per person in regular rotation, plus a stack of towels that the cat has claimed as his bed in the linen closet that he is fiercely protective of.

    3. Two per person, since sometimes 2x per day showers so the first towel wouldn’t be fully dry to use. Washed once a week. When they wear out, they are put in the basement rag bin, so no opportunity for confusion.

      2. Similar, but other than having “my” hook and “his” hook we don’t do anything to separate our towels. They all go in the laundry together. They are identical towels. The one I used last week might be the one he uses this week, who knows?

        1. oh yeah, our towels are identical – so while each person has their designated two for the week on their own rack, they all get mixed up on laundry day.

    4. We have so many towels since we just got a new set of 4 from our wedding registry. ~10 older towels that we’ve had for 10 years but still look fine. A set of 4 for the guest bathroom that live in there. Eventually will give the older ones to an animal shelter or something.

    5. Ha this reminds me that DH recently “lost” the baby’s towel because it was sitting in his secret laundry stashed away where I don’t see it. The baby has 3 towels so usually it’s nbd if he’s down to 2. But then of course there are those nights that one towel is in the wash, he peed on the other towel while I was getting him into the bath, and then I’m scrounging around for a clean towel while wrangling a slippery baby who is somehow now peeing again, this time on me, and I’m yelling for DH to help find a towel – any towel – my kingdom for a towel!

    6. Each week I hope that there will be as many used towels in the kids’ bathroom as there are kids, as proof of at least one shower each. I am often disappointed.

      DH and I have one set each and I usually wash them once a week. In weeks when I don’t get to it we have an assortment of miscellaneous linen closet towels to draw on.

    7. My husband and I have sets because I like to have matching hand towels with the bath sheets hanging up. We have 3 sets. The boys just have random towels that unfortunately we wash after each time. Trying to get my older guy to save them for a few washes but he’s interpreted this as a reason to throw wet towels on the floor of his room. Every 2 weeks I collect all used towels and sheets and swap them for new. Not ideal I know but oh well.

      1. in my house this meant the kid doesn’t get a fresh towel, he just has to use the wet one and learn for next time!

    8. Married couple. We just use the same towels. My husband does plenty of nastier things to me each week.

    9. We have eleventy billion towels and the system is to use what’s at the top of the clean towel pile in the closet and toss it in the laundry based on vibes.

    10. I like it if well-fitted but my taste runs classic. It’s the AT Eva for me. I was in the elevator at the Publix in the old money part of town last summer wearing them with a white linen shirt with the sleeves rolled, and a very polished woman looked me up and down and said “I tend to forget that color combination. You look nice.”

  10. WWYD? My kid has a sports tournament coming up. Just looked and the games START at (gulp) 7:45 am which means my kid will need to be there at 7 am at the latest. We live an hour away without traffic (and this is Boston so almost always traffic). Tournament starts on Good Friday (April 3). Would you get a hotel for the weekend or drive from home?

    1. I wouldn’t get a hotel just to save the commute. But I’d consider getting the hotel for any of the following reasons:
      – there will be big gaps in times kiddo needs to be available and you’d like somewhere to relax or nap
      – there are other cool things nearby that you want to see
      – kiddo could use the pick me up of being pampered in a hotel with room service and a fluffy oversized robe

    2. What’s the sport? For softball and baseball, the games are long and there’s time for a kid to warm up and get in the right head space. For a game like volleyball, a kid needs to be ready the second they step out on the court. My own kid is an early bird, so leaving at 5:45 would be okay and he’d wear headphones on the drive to get in the right headspace. If it’s a full weekend of games, though, I’d consider the hotel just to have some place to go back to relax as a parent in between games. God bless my parents who sat through two-day volleyball tournaments sitting on hard metal bleachers.

    3. I wouldn’t but I have a high school rower and wrestler and super early starts like this are normal. Rowing practice on Saturdays starts at 5:50 AM and weekend wrestling tournament weigh ins are usually before 7.

      I cannot complain… as I am a rower from a wrestling family so it is my fault they have such early sports :)

      As the coaches say though – it’s a good way to ensure they stay out of trouble!

    4. What are the other kids on the team doing? Is the tournament 3 days? Are there large gaps in between the games each day?

    5. I’m really surprised that there would be a tournament starting on Good Friday, especially in Boston. I’m not super-religious and generally only go to Maundy Thursday services to avoid the Easter crowds, but youth sports might make me observant.

      1. I’m surprised too. I’m in the Midwest so a little bit more Christian-centric than the coasts, but absolutely no youth activities happen here on Sunday mornings or Christian holidays.

        1. They do, though. At least in a lot of places. I’m Jewish so believe me I wish this wasn’t the case, but it’s our reality.

          1. On the other hand, we live in the South and the little old ladies at church will not stop complaining that sports on Sundays have turned children and their parents into godless heathens.

        2. Oddly hostile take. I wouldn’t expect a sports tournament over Yom Kippur or Thanksgiving weekend, either.

    6. We have found that everyone sleeps better and is less tired if we drive the morning of, even if we have to get up at 4:00 a.m. I have done meet hair in the back seat of the car, while the kid is eating at Panera, and in the bleachers before the competition starts in order to minimize the time between wake-up and departure.

    8. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t get a hotel. I don’t suffer like this at my age.

      1. I don’t care to spend my travel money on stuff like this and I don’t mind an early wake up!

  11. Khakis on women- yes or no? I’m considering a mid-weight khaki pant (Natalia at J Crew) because it seems versatile, but my size 12 body has some lumps and bumps that seem more visible in lighter colored fabrics. I’m scarred from wearing ill-fitting boys’ husky khakis as a teen because that was my school uniform.

    1. Eh, they’re fine, but there’s almost always a better option. I like them in theory but never feel particularly stylish in khakis, so I’ve stopped buying them. Size 14, tall and curvy.

    2. Imo it depends on your skin color. I think khakis look lovely on women with dark skin tones. But if your skin color approximates the color of the pants then it’s a no.

      Linen is an alternative is linen. It is flowy and textured enough that you don’t look like you’re not wearing pants from afar. But it’s a more casual fabric than you might be going for.

      And don’t worry about your lumps and bumps. No one can see them unless you’re wearing thin leggings, and even then, you have to be checking out your rear to even see it. Which I mean. If someone is checking out your rear when you’re wearing leggings then I feel like they’re intending to see what they see?

    3. I wouldn’t consider the Natalia pants khakis. They’re tan slacks. They’d look good with black but otherwise the color is kind of blah. If you’re thinking of true khaki pants then no they never look stylish or flattering on women.

      1. I agree. The Natalia pant is a trouser made of some kind of stretch fabric, which comes in a dark tan color. I think of khakis as a combination of a particular kind of fabric and a color.

        Anyway, about these pants: they seem perfectly fine, if that color works for your wardrobe. There’s no way to tell whether you’ll find them flattering until you try them on — they may show lumps and bumps you’d rather hide, or they might be thick enough to skim and drape well.

    4. I always see khakis as looking like a uniform of some sort, whether officially (school or work uniform) or de facto by social group.

    5. I’ve had good luck with a more denim-weight khaki (or colored denim in more of a trouser cut), that I swear I find at JCF and Gap. And sometimes Banana / BRF. Size 10.

    9. I like it if well-fitted but my taste runs classic. It’s the AT Eva for me. I was in the elevator at the Publix in the old money part of town last summer wearing them with a white linen shirt with the sleeves rolled, and a very polished woman looked me up and down and said “I tend to forget that color combination. You look nice.”

  12. Has anyone dealt with calcific tendonitis in their shoulder? I have been dealing with significant pain and not sleeping. Got a cortisone shot yesterday and really want to avoid surgery. Any stories of treatment/recovery would be much appreciated!

    1. Idk about this specific condition but I feel like every woman in my life is having shoulder pain rn. Apparently it’s a peri/menopause thing, at least in their cases. A few friends started HRT and their shoulder pain went away. Again I have no idea if they had a specific diagnosis so ymmv.

    2. I got a partial tear in my rotator cuff from a calcium deposit. Cortisone shots helped a ton over about a year, but I eventually had to have surgery. My surgery was a little different than traditional rotator cuff repair because they used a special little patch that my doc helped develop. I still had to have the ice machine, PT, etc. That being said, the surgery was 7 years ago, and I have 90-95% use of my shoulder and am happy I did the surgery.

    3. I had this in my shoulder – it was immensely painful and I waited too long to go see a specialist. . The cortisone shot didn’t work.
      Unlike frozen shoulder, it probably won’t resolve on its own or with PT.

      What gave me almost instant relief was a barbotage procedure. It is an ultrasound guided procedure where they flush out the deposits in the joint.

      An orthopedic doctor did this in the clinic with local lidocaine shot (like the numbing you get at the dentist). Highly highly recommend.

  13. I think it was here and not the mom’s board where there was a discussion of being diagnosed with adhd as an adult. I mentioned my husband self-diagnosed when we went through the process with one of my kids at my pushing.

    Well, DH just found his old report cards at his mom’s and texted me saying there is no question he would have been flagged as a kid if neurodiversity (our kiddo is adhd/gifted/maybe a sprinkle or step towards autism on the scale) at the more “mainstream” level was a thing. He said all the commentary on his report card was like reading the neuropsych reports we got from our daughter’s testing.

    I’m so happy our daughter is growing up where she has so much understanding and support. DH eventually turned out fine but had a hard time trying to meet his parents’ expectations for school.

    1. My DH had the same experience when our DS was diagnosed. He eventually did really well in school, but it took him quite awhile to get to that point (and not be getting in trouble all the time).

    2. I have an evaluation later this week! Hoping to try medication and just see how it goes.

  14. How difficult/annoying is it to drive in Philadelphia? I have to attend a conference there and am debating between driving and taking the train. The advantage of driving would be scheduling flexibility. I am a person who refuses to drive in NYC, Boston, and DC whenever possible. How does Philadelphia compare?

    1. Where in Philly? Center City is typically annoyingly congested and the surrounding highways are terrible. I take Amtrak and local (Septa) whenever remotely possible.

        1. The law school is a 10 minute walk from the Amtrak station. Driving you will be mired in awful Schuylkill traffic. Def train.

          1. I agree, don’t drive in Philly, especially for this location. It’s an easy city to walk in, and not only is the driving congested and the parking crazy (the parking garages are so small and tight), but there are MANY one-way streets which is a lesson in frustration. It’s only partially a grid.
            But also, don’t take the subway or elevated rail anywhere in town since you’re not from here (exception: subway is OK to the sports venues on game days). Walk or get a rideshare. Septa is great for getting out to the suburbs if you need/want to.

    2. I drive in Philly and I don’t like to drive in cities. If your conference is in a hotel or at the convention center, parking is pretty easy and the surrounding streets are reasonably modern.

      I don’t like driving through Philly neighborhoods. The streets are a jumble of narrow one-way criss-crosses with parallel parking on both sides of the street so I feel like I’m going to clip someone’s mirror on both sides of my car at the same time. It’s not like that around the big hotels though.

      1. Oh interesting…I think DC is more daunting than NYC, and NYC is more daunting than Philly. (No experience with Boston.)

        1. Boston seems to have 17-way intersections. DC generally makes sense; good luck navigating a traffic circle where an avenue goes below the grid. NYC is a place I will never drive and I’m from there.

        2. What?! DC more daunting than NYC? This is crazy talk. People do drive crazy on the Beltway, but that is also true of any of the highways anywhere near NYC, and the parkways near NYC have similarly poor sightlines and grading. The only thing NYC has to its advantage is that traffic is usually not moving very fast. In every other way, it is worse, far worse.

    4. I would take the train; it’s for work and it sounds like you don’t like city driving. Better to have all of your energy available for work and not have to use it on dealing with driving and traffic in an unfamiliar city. (I haven’t driven in Philly in many years; my main memory is that the driving is okay but the parking is terrible.)

    6. My data is 15 years out of date but I was the rare undergrad at Penn with a car and driving around University City is fine. The highways running up to King of Prussia are ROUGH. Coming in from the south (Delaware) and east (New Jersey/Camden) isn’t as bad.

      1. Source – in Philly now, and the rise of general mayhem on the roads is a LOT worse than it was 15 years ago. The 4 blocks between the Schuylkill and Penn Law are fine and all (assuming you find parking…. a different question) but getting there is the issue!

    7. I drive in NYC, LA, DC, Boston, wherever, but I hate driving in Philly the most. The roads are confusing as heck, and people drive like maniacs, with no apparent regard for the actual laws.

  15. How do you and your spouse split finances and how did you come to that agreement?

    My parents were 100% combined, so that’s what’s “normal” to me. Plus, I very much view marriage as a team effort and see no point in separating expenses. It feels very clinical to me.

    My preference is 100% split post-marriage, with pre-nups to protect specific assets (we both have pensions, so protecting those, inheritances, and other major pre-marital assets). I’d also like if we each had a few grand in a “GTFO” fund and something in the pre-nup specifying a post-nup if one of us ever steps back from full time work due to children.

    My fiancé wants semi-combined, semi-separate finances, which is what we do now (each contribute a % to our shared account for housing, grocery, and household expenses and then otherwise have our own accounts).

    FWIW, she makes about 30k more than I do and owns the condo we live in.

    1. One pot. We married young and had a negative net worth (student debt), so all our money has truly been a marital effort, and we’ve gone from me making 80% of the money (Biglaw while husband clerked and then small-law) to me making 55% of the money with us both advancing in-house.

    2. We’re one pot. It makes it so much easier for us to create a financial plan when everything is joint. If either of us wants to spend a relatively large amount of money on something a little out of the norm, we discuss it first.

    3. It was always understood we would combine finances. We came into the marriage each having negative net worth (student loans). For years I was significantly out-earning him, then at some point he started outearning me. Then he took a job at a start-up which went public and now we have $100m. It’s all jointly owned. We don’t have separate “pots” for fun money or anything like that. I do not understand why people get married and keep separate finances, other than maybe a prenup to protect an inheritance if their family of origin has some kind of family business.

    4. To me, the point of marriage is “we’re all in together, no matter what [ie barring abuse]”, and I would worry more about making sure me and partner were on the same page on that, then about the actual $ arrangement. I think “all in” marriages lend themselves to single pot finances, but I could see the argument for something like “what if you get brain cancer and start spending erratically before I notice – separate pots protect us as a family”. But if my partner wanted separate pots as a way to ensure they could walk away from the relationship when they choose to, we shouldn’t marry (I’m not saying other couples shouldn’t marry if they want a “either can walk away” setup — just that’s not for me)

    5. My parents married when they were young and poor and were one pot.
      DH and I married in our mid-30s. I had assets and he did not. We have kept pre-marital assets separate via a pre-nup and everything we earn during the marriage, except for growth on pre-marital investments, is common pot. So our paychecks go into one account and we pay for everything for us out of that, including retirement and investments.
      After my dad died, my mom had a significant net worth and married a man who also had assets and his own adult children and kiddo grandchildren. Via a prenup, they are keeping everything separate and each contributing a set amount each month to a common pot, from which they pay all expenses related to their lives together.

      1. If it matters, DH earned about 50% more than I did for years, and now I earn about 10% more than he does. We consider everything we earn during the marriage to be a result of the marital effort and, thus, ours jointly.

    6. My biggest question in your shoes would be about the condo. I don’t think the non-owner should get a free place to live but I also think their share of living expenses should take into consideration the equity that the owner is building. I don’t think you should contribute to repairs or remodels unless you get a share in the equity.

      My view is that each partner should have roughly equivalent resources of free time and money. How that split works can look different based on your circumstances. But I think the overarching goal is to be fair to one another.

    7. Our’s are mostly separate. We have separate checking/savings/investment accounts, though are joint users on some credit cards. I pay the mortgage, spouse pays the utilities and joint credit card bills (which includes gas and groceries) and we figure that’s roughly even. I have an expensive hobby that I pay for on my own. For travel, which is our other fairly large joint expense, we split it roughly evenly. This arrangement is mostly a product of inertia as we dated for a very long time before we got married and had long-standing separate accounts and have usually made roughly about the same amount of money, and we are high enough earners that we don’t have a strict budget. I think if we had more uneven incomes or weren’t DINKs, we might do this differently.

    8. One pot. At different times in our marriage, the one of us who has earned more has flipped back and forth several times. But we are still one pot. If one of us (more likely me) receives an inheritance, it will go into the pot. We’ve been married almost 30 years and got married with negative net worths. I track the finances and give him quarterly updates, which he appreciates but ignores.

      1. Same here, exactly. The only time I’d say anything separate is complicated children from prior relationships situations. Even then, if you plan to share your entire life together, sharing finances is a core part of that. If you don’t want to, live together but don’t get married.

      2. We’ve gotten a few small bequests after family deaths and are expecting a larger one one day – will go into one pot like everything else.

    9. We are 100% combined. I am friends with a married couple and they Venmo request, like, brunch or doggie day care from each other all the time. They both make at least $500k/year. It is so cringy to me.

    10. I was always perfectly having separate finances when I was married, but if you get divorced they put it all in one pot to split it up, so in the end I felt like it was completely pointless to keep things separate. If I were to ever marry again I’d fully combine.

    11. one pot. we met at age 20, married at 26, almost 27. DH out earns me significantly at this point, though i’ve brought inheritances and some family money and am the primary parent for our kids. both sets of our parents had joint pot. DH’s mom was a sahm and while my parents both worked, my dad earned a lot more than my mom. I honestly had never even heard of separate finances for marriage until i started reading this board. my 3 closest friends also all do joint, but we were all also fairly young when we met our now spouses

      1. I’ve seen it come up in my social circles sometimes when one spouse has an expensive hobby, possession, or travel plans that the other spouse can’t afford or hasn’t budgeted for. Those outcomes are more foreign to me than the separate finances idea itself is. It doesn’t bother me, but I just can’t imagine it.

        1. I don’t believe in one spouse not being able to afford things like travel plans. Either you can both afford the travel together or you can’t! I mean what – does one spouse go on a pricey trip and leave the other spouse behind? Ditto the hobby if both are interested in it!

        2. The expensive hobby thing is weird to me. I gave up my hobby when we got married because it wasn’t fair to expect my husband to pay for it. Similarly, I think it is wrong for husbands to spend zillions of dollars and all of their weekend time golfing.

          1. Yikes, I could never live like that. We’re one-pot, totally combined and my hobbies are more expensive than his. It is a total non-issue. He loves for me to do what I love and I love doing it – and I plan great things for us to try together too.

          2. DH has an expensive hobby that is his passion. I don’t have anything similar. We set an annual budget for his hobby that we can afford after expenses, retirement, couple-based activities, etc are accounted for. The hobby budget has worked well for us.

          3. What?! Why should you give up a hobby just because you got married?

            If you could afford to support your hobby on your own pre-marriage (which presumably you could), why wouldn’t it just be worked into the post-marriage budget? That’s what my spouse and I did with my rowing and his skiing. Of course if we needed to cut back on expenses that’s something we’d reevaluate, but since I supported my rowing hobby and he supported his skiing hobby before we married they’re just line items in our budget the way they were pre-marriage.

          4. I don’t know ANYONE IRL who has or would consider giving up a hobby post-marriage like that and I know people with some seriously expensive hobbies. Bizarre.

          6. Because when you get married you need expensive things like a wedding and a house and day care, and it’s selfish to divert money from those goals to individual pursuits?

          7. My husband and I have an agreement to support one expensive hobby each. I came into the relationship with a kinda expensive hobby (rock climbing), and my husband had always aspired to a Very Expensive hobby (off roading) that we could make room for after graduation. It helps that they’re somewhat complimentary and can plan joint trips. I recommend “one expensive hobby each” to every couple.

    12. The only person I know who openly has separate finances seems unhappy in her marriage and their marriage is quite unequal (he is a man child).

      She tries to trick him into paying for things – like having him take the kids to their annual physicals just so he will pay for them. You’d think if you’d split expenses on anything it’d be your childrens’ health…

    13. We have a prenup because I”m the partial owner of a family vacation house and that needs to be kept separate.

      Otherwise, we’re 100% combined, including money spent on the vacation house.

      I grew up in a house where things were so combined that my parents’ don’t even have set cars – they just discuss who needs which car when (1 SUV, 1 compact) and drive them accordingly.

        1. I thought so, but people were shocked when I mentioned it. Apparently many people have their “own” cars.

        2. When the couples I work with have multiple vehicles, I think it’s more common for them to have “his/her” cars even if both spouses are on title.

          1. The idea of not having an assigned car is bizarre to me. My husband and I swap cars when there is a logistical need, but why would you want to have to adjust the seat and mirrors and radio station every time you got into the car? Or put up with the fact that your spouse always puts the garage remote where you can’t find it?

          2. Yeah, every couple I know with two cars (including us) has defined cars for each person. Sure, we may swap if there is a particular need on a particular day, but in general, my car is my car and my husband’s car is my husband’s car. I think this is normal.

          3. There is no need to adjust mirrors etc. They adjust based on each person’s key. Seat settings have 1 and 2 so it either automatically switches or can be switched at the press of a button.

    14. Fully one pot post-marriage. If it was anything else I think I’d want a post-nup protecting me, because I kind of sacrificed my career for my spouse’s.

      1. This! I only believe in 100% combined finances, but I”m very in favor of pre or post nups. I strongly, strongly believe in a post-nup for anyone who has made major career decisions for the betterment of their family! Protect yourself!

        I have a pre-nup and when we were exploring a SAH parent or someone going part-time, we knew we’d get a post-nup.

    15. One pot. We never considered anything else, tbh. I don’t know many couples with separate finances. But for the ones that do, I often wonder how long-term financial planning works. Or, if and when kids enter the picture, are you seriously splitting daycare costs down to the penny? I know a couple that did that.

      1. Someone once posted here that she and her partner (might not have been a husband yet) would break down each grocery receipt by line item and figure out who owed what – “only I drink the diet coke so that’s on me, we’ll both eat the chicken so we’ll split that, you like the beef jerky so that’s yours.” I’d die.

        2. DH and I weren’t quite this bad but we were pretty bean count-y pre-marriage. In our defense, we were on a shoestring budget. When we moved in together I was severely underemployed with law school loans and he was on a grad student stipend and we lived in the Bay Area. We became one pot after marriage and 20+ years in have never really had an argument about money.

    16. I was one pot in my first marriage because we were early 20s and broke at the time. Our financials changed significantly over time and I was almost royally screwed in the divorce but managed out barely ok. I have trauma around this — it made the divorce so much more contentious. In my current marriage, we keep everything separate. I definitely don’t feel like we are as much of a “team” as I did during the good parts of my first marriage but my divorce traumatized me so much that I’m too scared to combine accounts. My ex locked me out of our shared accounts so I had to borrow money from a friend to be able to afford to move out and was living paycheck to paycheck (my legal expenses came out of a 401k loan!) for a year and a half until our divorce was finalized and I got what I was entitled to. Never ever again.

    17. Together 20-ish years and I make about 5x what my husband does. We’ve kept our respective joint checking accounts with my paycheck covering most of the day to day expenses, and his paycheck mostly going to joint savings. We each have our own retirement accounts, a joint investment account and a segregated account for a small inheritance husband received that he can invest however he wants.

    18. One pot, no money is “mine” or “his” except for retirement accounts and even that money will be “ours” once distributed. I would never do it any other way.

    19. I think in most hetero couples separate finances is unfair as many women do some level of personal care/beauty that men do not. I don’t do much – 4x haircuts and 2x highlights a year and a handful of pedicures in the summer, Sephora collection makeup/skincare and moderate/occasional shopping from places like Madewell and Banana, but that’s a LOT compared to what most men spend.

      Using anecdotal data, but the couples I know with separate finances are generally “showier” – those friends are the ones with regular beauty appointments, nicer clothing, nicer cars. Even if the husband is buying occasional nice watches, it’s probably a drop in the bucket compared to what his wife is spending on botox, highlights, nails, etc.

      1. But it’s completely possible to be in a relationship and not track what the other person is spending, keeping score and tit-for-tat. You can just not do that. Have an overall conversation about budget if you need to or if there is any stress, which everyone should do anyway, but it’s not a given that if one person spends more, it’s going to become “unfair.”

        1. No, I’m saying its unfair with separate finances – there’s more of a burden on a wife (who, statistically makes less!) because being a woman who partakes in beauty stuff is costlier than being a man.

          I’m in a 100% combined finances marriage, and we don’t track what each other spends – we just agree that we roughly want to save $XX per month, meaning we can spend roughly $YY. No one cares if I spend more to get my hair colored or he spends more to buy concert tickets.

      2. Eh maybe but it’s also not uncommon for men to have a hobby like golf that is as much or more than what women spend on beauty. Also not every woman has major beauty spending – I don’t do anything except quarterly haircuts.

        1. I feel like financial and weekend childcare conversations always talk about men golfing… but most women I know also golf. To me golf is always a shared expense!

          1. Golf was just an example. It could be any hobby that costs money. My DH is a runner and I’m pretty sure he spends more on shoes than I do on beauty and fashion combined.
            But I’m kind of surprised! I know zero women who golf and many men who do.

      3. I mean, I’m pretty high maintenance and my beauty spend is like 3-4k a year, being generous. That’s not even 1% of our income, it’s a who cares line item.

    20. We are separate pot, we put certain amount into shared to covered shared expenses, savings, etc. I make less than my husband, he probably makes 1.5 to 2X. The reason why I want it separate is that I support my family but generally have a low cost lifestyle and don’t have expensive hobbies. My husband doesn’t need to support family, he actually got financial support for college, and will also inherit property and more money at some point but he also has expensive hobbies. I do not every want there to be resentment for me supporting my family. I don’t want my husband to think that he can’t do his expensive hobby because of the financial support for my family. We don’t keep track of minor things like meals, concert tickets etcs. so there isn’t any bean counting for basic expenses that generally even out. We’ll even pick up full meals when we go out with each others families without tracking it and that can be multiple 100s. We don’t have children and I think it would be very difficult to make this work if we did. Lot of small resentments build up over the decades of a marriage, no matter how you feel on your wedding day.

    21. I think anything other than one pot is unfair against wives. Between the pink tax and the assumption in the culture that women are the primary parent I think this is just another way for men to get a leg up over their wives.

    22. One pot for everything.

      At Christmas/each other’s birthday’s we each use a different credit card so we can keep surprises surprises. Automatic transfer to savings and non-retirement investments (also joint) each month. We have a rough idea of how much we want to spend/save each month but it’s flexible – we discuss anything major that wouldn’t be accounted for normally.

      We both have hobbies and long-standing trips with friends/family that existed before we met – those were automatically included in our budget, no questions asked. Ditto our annual trip – that’s built in to the budget. Beyond that, we have a conversation but that conversation is always “how can we make this work?” not “can I do XYZ?”. But, neither of us would propose something out of our budget. We’re lucky to be DINKS who make a very livable salary in our area.

      1. +1 to the CCs – we both have all of the CCs, but I primarily use 1 and he primarily uses another and then the other 2 are used for specific things. We find it’s easier to check statements that way – I know what I spent so I review mine and he does his. This way I don’t have to check with him about “hey did you spend $150 at Wegmans last week” if I see a suspicious charge.

    23. We do one pot. We got married in our mid-20s and did not have significant assets. Any inheritance either of us might receive from our parents will be kept separate, but all our income and investments that we’ve accumulated together go into joint accounts.

      Over the years, we’ve flip flopped with who earns more and view all our incomes as derived from shared efforts. The disparity in incomes has some years been even/none all the way to me not working at all for a few years to now me earning 3 times what DH earns. This works for us because we share similar values on spending and saving. Neither of us ever questions the other’s “fun” spending.

    24. We have a yours, mine, and ours system. Most stuff is joint, but we each have our own separate accounts for solo expenses. I don’t need to know how many guitar pedals he bought, and he doesn’t need to know what my new shoes cost.

      1. We have one pot and I don’t know how many guitar pedals he buys and he doesn’t know what my shoes cost.

    25. Married in our mid-30s, each had our own houses and assets that we brought into the marriage. We now each have our salaries going into separate accounts and then we each contribute a percentage of that to a joint account, which covers household expenses, although a fair amount we just pay from our individual accounts. We keep separate accounts because we have different approaches towards money and I don’t trust myself not to try to control it if I could. We’ve kept this up through buying a house and having a kid together, and it seems to work just fine for us so far. My mother is a divorce attorney and I would also resist not having at least one account that is fully under my own control.

    26. To me it seems that couples who talk about having separate finances tend to be those who married older, who have kids from previous marriages, and/or who make more money than the typical young newlyweds just scraping by. Couples who marry in their 20s or early 30s who are not already wealthy and/or high earners tend to combine finances and to pause expensive hobbies and travel to prioritize joint goals like paying down student loans, buying a home, and affording child care. People who are older and have more money don’t need to think and act as a team in the same way.

    27. Our finances and assets are almost entirely separate. I earn a lot, lot more than he does, and have a lot more investments. I also pay for everything—he pays a utility bill, his own credit card, gas, and most food. Our lifestyle is pretty low maintenance considering our assets, but we have and do most of what we want. No children.

      FWIW, he has an ivy league education, and I do not. This is how our careers and savings worked out. We also have estate plans and trusts set up in case I die first. There is no sense of my money or his money though. We recognize the differences in our earnings, and have adjusted accordingly. I guess it helps that we are both generous people in terms of each other, family, and charity.

    28. This is my second marriage. In my first marriage, we mostly kept things separate. I would say my spouse was in charge of the finances, and he definitely made more. Basically, I paid for daycare, and he paid for everything else. In my current marriage, it’s all one big pot, and I handle a lot more of the finances. I much prefer this arrangement. I received an inheritance of about a million dollars five years ago, and it’s theoretically gone into the joint bucket, but my spouse is always really adamant that I get to make all decisions about that money. We’ve spent about $100,000 on paying off cars, a small house renovation, and a couple of vacations, and I was the one who made the call to spend the money in that way.

    29. We are newlyweds and are figuring it out as we go along. No kids yet, but we want them. Right now we have yours, mine, and ours approach to money, as in we each contribute a fixed amount to our joint accounts for joint expenses and savings. The rest of our money is ours to do with what we will. Its probably about a 30 % mine, 70 % ours type of split. I like it because we can treat each other and basically manage our own spending money while working towards our joint goals. For what its worth, neither of us have expensive hobbies. I think over time it’ll become more “ours”, especially when we have kids.

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