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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Pintuck-Waist Midi Shirtdress

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A woman wearing a black midi shirtdress and black sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Every summer, I end up buying one dress at Old Navy that gets worn into the ground. I think we might have an early start on this year’s contender. This pintuck-waist dress is a perfect summer Friday look. The smocked waist gives it a great shape, and the cotton twill fabric is substantial enough for the office but won’t leave you sweating in the heat.

I wore this recently with a sweater tied around my shoulders and a pair of fun flats. 

The dress is on sale for $34.99 (marked down from $49.99) at Old Navy and comes in sizes XS-4X, XST-XXLT, and XSP-XXLP. It also comes in a blue stripe that looks a bit sheer to me, so I would recommend checking it out in person! 

Sales of note for 4/24:

229 Comments

  1. When you hear the term “trust fund kid,” what does that mean to you?

    My DH stands to inherit valuable family land and some additional money that together are worth somewhere $1M-$1.5M. It’s always been his mom’s intention that he get it, and that it stay in the family (either as land or sold off but by family). There’s a lot of cool family history tied to the land so the idea is keeping it with DH’s descendants and that’s totally fine with me. I don’t want there to be any weirdness about me having access to this asset, so I floated the idea of putting it in a trust in DH’s name with our kids as beneficiaries. Then, if anything happened to DH, it would be very clear cut that it’s for the kids and not part of the rest of our estate.

    DH agrees on principal but both he and his mom, who while herself is sitting on millions of dollars but grew up very very poor, are fairly hung up on our kids having a “trust fund.” By the time they are of age or would have access for any kind of practical purpose (not like a 10 year old needs it!), it’s likely going to be something like $500k-$750k each, assuming they continue to rent the land and don’t sell it off.

    Thoughts on how to socialize this? I’m sort of stuck because this isn’t my land/money, and I want to do the right thing and make it very clean for it to go directly to my kids and not me. MIL got kind of weird about it when it came up recently because she was trying to politely say it should stay in the family and it was super awkward for me to be like “look, I really don’t want or need your family assets! Really! I’m trying to help find ways for you not to worry about it so we can all move on!”

    This is up for discussion due to some recent deaths in the family that have triggered MIL to re-do her estate- she just officially inherited this asset but wants to pass it to DH early.

    1. Idk how you force people to get over their mental hurdles. Aside from just explaining how it protects the land and helps achieve what she wants to do. Is there enough money to go along with the land to account for upkeep and taxes?

    2. I think of a “trust fund kid” as someone who has absurd amounts of fun money at their beck and call, never has to work or save for anything, and is something of a stuck up snob.

      I don’t view land held in a trust with the kids as eventual beneficiaries in this same light at all.

      1. Also, FWIW, I was technically a “trust fund kid” in the sense that my parents put their house in a trust with me and my siblings as eventual beneficiaries. That trust is not material to us kids, as the house is a run-of-the-mill starter home and will almost certainly be sold to pay for their medical care.

      2. Yeah, I think the phrase “trust fund kid” is more about a young person’s unearned access to a high level of wealth then the actual existence of something that is technically a trust fund.

    3. To me, “trust fund kid” implies a kid who won’t ever need to work, and lacks any sort of work ethic because they know they will have the family money to fall back on. I have several friends who (I assume) will inherit substantial sums but they work hard and live within their current means.

      It sounds like you really are thinking about two questions here. First, how do you manage the legal documents to ensure that the land stays with your kids and doesn’t end up somewhere else, and second, how do you continue to raise good kids who aren’t lazy and entitled? FWIW, the kind of money you are talking about is certainly a leg up and a privilege, but not yet on the scale that I think most people think of when they hear “trust fund kids.”

      1. I wonder if anyone considers me a trust fund kid. I currently have 0 money I didn’t earn myself, purchased my house, paid for school myself etc. But one day I will get many millions in a trust.

        1. I would not consider you a trust fund kid because the point at which you would receive that income is far enough into your adulthood that you did have to support yourself for multiple decades as an adult. I would also not include a family member who was orphaned at a young age and whose parents’ (middle class) assets were put in a trust until they were 18. To me that phrase specifically references someone who never had to earn their own income to support their lifestyle for the duration of their adulthood – and often but not always associated with excessive partying and expensive taste.

        2. I would consider you a trust fund kid. I commend that you’ve taken care of yourself but you still have the privilege of knowing you’ll get many millions. This means you can prioritize spending on a house, paying for school, etc., while knowing you don’t necessarily have to save for retirement, paying for your kids’ school (if you have them), future medical, and all that.

          1. I was thinking that I am not super familiar with the wastrel stereotype. The stereotype I’m familiar with is “free to take chances, invest in dream careers, pursue education” (which is all great; I wish more people had that security!).

        3. Based on your description, no, I would not consider you a trust fund kid. You are a potential future millionaire, but who knows what the future holds?

      2. OP here and thanks- that’s basically where my head is too. I think the advice to just wait until DH inherits it makes sense; everyone over here is all a-twitter about it, I think because of some recent drama about money that does not impact us at all but is family-adjacent.

    4. When your husband actually inherits it, that’s when you talk to an estate planning lawyer. Most people with money put their assets in trusts to avoid probate. Your husband is just not being sophisticated at the moment.

      1. +1, we have my parent’s home in a trust to avoid having it be seized by medicare if they need long term care as they age. It’s just an instrument to protect assets and make the person who should inherit is clearly stated.

        1. That’s a different animal.

          What you are doing is hiding your parent’s wealth so we can pay for their Medicaid / Nursing Home stay instead of them paying for it themselves. Legal, but ethically questionable, as are many loopholes for the rich.

          2. It reminds me of a guy who put assets in a trust to avoid paying alimony. (different country, don’t ask me for details).

          3. Doesn’t it generally help when better resourced people also rely on something public? Just make sure the rich are taxed fairly.

          4. 12:50pm Anon – are you kidding? It is good to keep tax loopholes and Medicaid cheats in the legal system so the Rich feel like they are getting something?

            You know we will never tax the rich they way they deserve to be taxed. Only more and more loopholes for the resourced to exploit.

            And if you are hiding your parent’s house so you can inherit it, instead of using their hard earned money to make their final years more comfortable, well then I don’t know what to say. I mean, have you spent much time in Medicaid funded Nursing Homes, compared to the ones that your parents might be able to afford if they used the funds from their house? Maybe spend some time volunteering in some and then let us know if that’s where you want them to be.

            When my disabled father was sitting with his accountant, she knew that his progressing medical situation was such that he would require a lot of care over time. She told him about these various Trust mechanisms to hide his money. He sat quietly for a moment, surrounded by his children, and then looked up and said – “Someone has to pay for it. Why shouldn’t it be me?” Of course that is the right answer.

            The rich can use our publicly resourced schools, libraries, fine arts organizations, consumer protection agencies, national parks and forests our…. oops.

          5. 2:00 pm, people often say it’s beneficial for the rich to send their kids to public schools, so that they’ll use their resources to help hold them to higher standards, vs. giving up on them and sending their kids to private schools while the public schools rot. You are saying that publicly funded eldercare is low quality, and that responsible rich people should spend their hard earned money sending their elders to safer, more compassionate and humane facilities instead. Why is this different? Or do you argue that the wealthy should avoid sending their kids to public school and choose private schools whenever possible too?

        2. This is so very, very standard. So standard that they run regular ads on our public radio (often featuring the actual radio host who self-identifies so they’re not just playing “anonymous voice actor” in the ads) to specifically help people set up these trusts. If this gives you the ick, I can’t really help you.

          1. Of course people advertise to make money. How is that an argument?

            If it does not give you the ick, then sadly I can’t really help you either.

          2. How is it an argument that a loophole is a loophole at all, vs just a label someone applied to an otherwise widely available and known section of the tax code?

            Like, good for you for dying on a hill but no one awards points to you for paying more taxes or whatever out of the goodness of your heart.

          3. I think people on this thread haven’t had a relative live out their last days in a Medicaid funded Nursing Home. If they had, perhaps they would think sheltering funds so that they can reach one may not be the best goal.

    5. I think of a trust fund kid as someone who knows they have an amount of money coming that will set them up for life, and thus work and personal accomplishment are optional. Many of them were trying to be DJs in our 20s.

      No offense but 1.5M in land probably doesn’t count.

      What are the legal things that run with the land? Conveyances? Maybe that would go over better.

        1. I’d be careful about covenants that can turn into a PITA down the line. right now, Mom’s wish that the land not be sold and the family history preserved makes sense and can be accommodated. But who knows what will be in fifty years? Circumstances might change in such a way that she herself would align with a sale.

          1. My family sold a homestead in the Midwest that had a huge amount of family history and I 100% think it was the right decision. While it had increased in value over time, a lot of the value was based on the goodwill of a local farmer who leased the land. His family wants to keep farming/ranching in the area, and increasing their acreage helps the stability of their business. I wish them all the best.

    6. “Trust fund kid” means a kid who has enough – generally quite ample – income from the family trust that they don’t need to work. Generally used in the negative, like a kid who is just sort of partying their way around the world.

      *Having* a trust set up for your kids for estate planning strategy purposes is a very different thing!

      1. Yeah, putting an asset in a trust and having a trust fund are completely different things. Trust fund kids have passive income when they’re young which allows them to either not work or to work in fields that don’t pay well while still living an expensive lifestyle.

    7. Well, either it’s in trust for the kids or it’s given to them outright, but really, your MIL needs to talk to an attorney about various plans to protect the land. There’s also a significant difference in the value of the land itself versus the income/rent it produces, and so even if it’s a $1M asset, if it only generates $30,000/year, that may help mentally to realize the kids will still need to be employed and productive in society.

    8. Honestly I’d just stay out of it and let your MIL (and potentially your husband) decide how to handle it. You may be right about the best mechanics to achieve their goal but seems like there is a lot of emotion and perception mixed up that are for them to work through or not. When the land eventually passes to your husband, the two of you will decide how to structure your own will and estate planning.

      2. Right. You’re still his wife and involved with decision making for your assets. And maybe your family structure looks completely different in 20 years and it’s better for his children that nothing is locked up.

    9. Can you just refer to it as something else? ‘Putting it away for the kids’ or ‘holding it for the kids’ or whatever, if it’s the trust language that’s the struggle. That said I would probably just leave it your DH at this point, having made your position clear. If he and MIL want the land/money to be for the kids then yes the kids are going to have the land/money. If they feel some kind of way about that then they need to figure that out for themselves. If they don’t want to figure it out then it stays in whatever form of ownership you theoretically have access to (even though you don’t want it) and I don’t think you need to sit still for any more conversations where your MIL makes it awkward because she doesn’t want it to be for you but doesn’t want to do the things that actively prevent it being for you.

    10. You can point out that using a trust prevents a situation where your DH dies, you get remarried, then you get divorced/die and your second spouse tries to take or split the assets for himself or his own children. Using a trust to make sure everything passes directly to your children if your DH dies is a way to ensure your MIL’s wishes that the property stays in the family.

    11. From your post, I get the impression the value of this property has the potential to eventually be worth $1.5M in a decade if rented out properly, etc. etc.

      Not to trivialize this, but the potential future value implies the current value is far less. I think you are making mountains out of mole hills, and may be coming across as protesting too much that you are not interested in this asset. If you really don’t want to seem like a gold digger, I think you should probably just step back and let your MIL plan her estate how she wants.

      1. Current day value of land is ~$1M if sold today. There’s also some cash/funds around $500k and the land income from a very below market rate handshake agreement going back decades (this could be book) is around $80k/year but then there are fees etc. so I think it generates about $50k net per year.

          1. It’s been a daily topic of conversation in our house for the last 2 weeks- should they sell it, who should they sell it to, is it OK to keep this below market rate or are they being taken advantage of, oh look at this land grants should we have them framed, etc. At this point the dog also knows the details :).

    12. I had to explain something similar to a family whose son I coach. His discipline is part of Pi Kappa Delta. His parents were initially against him competing collegiately, because they all, kid included, thought any fraternity meant something like Animal House. Once I explained the difference between honor societies, service fraternities and social ones, they were completely fine with it.
      If your relative is otherwise pretty rational, just explaining the different kinds of trusts and what they do (and don’t do), you may well get somewhere.

    13. Absolutely put it in trust. Get them to an estates attorney to talk some sense into them.

    14. I technically have a trust fund, I think. My parents are really wealthy and it was set up at the suggestion of their lawyer when I got married in my mid-20s (DH & I were both young and poor so no pre-nup, and I was also more comfortable with the idea of my parents protecting their own assets than trying to force DH to sign something about division of our assets). The trust fund doesn’t affect my day to day life at all, and I won’t get any money until both my parents are dead. I agree that “trust fund kid” implies an adult who doesn’t need to work due to family money and is not your (or my) situation.

    15. Why are you making yourself a project? You raised the issue, now move on. They can take your suggestion or not. This is valuable time that you could be spending shopping for socks or sipping tea

    16. Honestly just take the word Fund out when you discuss it. We have a similar sentimental property and upon death of the owner, it will enter a trust with enough money to maintain the property. We don’t talk about it like a “trust fund” – we say it’s a trust for the property to make everything easier.

    17. It’s not your land and you don’t want it. They’re not interested in your proposed solution to protect the property from being intercepted by…I guess you? I’d bow out at this point.

      My family owns a ton of property in what my husband, a corporate attorney, thinks are poorly constructed legal entities. He has gently explained this to my dad, who sees no need to change it. So my husband lets it go, because other than the fact that our kids MAY inherit some or all of it someday it’s really not his business.

      That aside, there’s a certain amount of ridiculous self importance to think property like this makes someone a “trust fund kid.” You’d have to have some pretty warped ideas about wealth to get there. I’d keep a really close eye on your husband’s attitudes about money.

      1. Agree; this reads like it was written by someone who watched a lot of Downton Abbey and is trying too hard to show that they don’t give a second thought to the value of The Estate, while obviously keeping a very close watch on the accounting of The Estate.

    18. Encourage your MIL to discuss it with her attorney, and then step back. I agree that a trust is a good idea, but it’s not your role to get your MIL over whatever emotional hangups she has about trusts.

      When your husband inherits the land, you guys can handle it your way.

    20. I just had to litigate over land that my mom also intended to stay in my family as per her will and the land deed. But an outside personal representative tried to take it so I had to sue in civil court. Tell them to consult a real estate attorney. My mom thought she was doing everything right according to her estate attorney, but in the end, the documents assumed goodwill. I would just tell them getting it done the right way now could possibly save your kids money in litigation (in my case, from a person my mom didn’t even know existed when she wrote her will).

    21. This I’d not what I’d consider a trust fund kid, because the trust is not for them, it’s for posterity.

      If she doesn’t want them to profit, can she put in provisions so that the money needs to be reinvested in the asset (maintenance and related).

      I grew up with trust fund kids, and the best were ones whose ancestors had stipulated conditions on inheritance. For example must reach a specific educational standard, or certain age (eg 30 so that establishing their own income/career is still neglected), must be married with a child from the marriage, etc.

    1. I rarely comment on fashion here, but this dress is beautiful, it looks expensive and its 100% cotton.

    2. Old Navy sundresses are a workhouse in my summer wardrobe (and honestly in my winter one if I layer a sweater over it properly). They fit fairly well, they look nice, they wash easily, and I don’t feel like I need to be super precious with them since I didn’t pay a lot for them.

  3. I would like everyone here to know that I was not a victim of Epstein!

    No more questions, thank you.

    2. But you’d like us to buy your book, yes? Oh it’s legal to use your office to flog produce? Oh.

  4. Inspired by the legal writing conversation yesterday: whose legal writing do you think is genuinely great?

    For example, I will go out of my way to read a Roberts or Kagan opinion.

    2. I realize you’re probably talking about famous lawyers, but when I was clerking for an appellate judge, I always appreciated attorneys with clear writing who stuck to the law/facts in a way that made the issues seem simple. You’d be surprised how many attorneys make snide remarks (often in snarky footnotes) about the other attorney, the other party, or the other side’s argument. Gets an eye roll and undermines your whole argument.

      2. Kozinski’s comment about making his clerks rewrite opinions until they would “sing” is my goal for my own legal writing.

    4. I think Scalia is a great writer even though I often disagreed with his conclusions.

      In NY, Chief Judge Rowan Wilson is pretty good on NY’s highest court.

    5. I used to work for an appellate judge whose writing style was, shall we say, a bit more convoluted than necessary. I’d beg him to at least sprinkle in more commas to make it easier to read. His response? “I went to a lot of trouble to write these opinions, so the people reading it can go to a little trouble to understand them!”

      Not, I think, the very best role model.

      1. Yes, that’s a terrible viewpoint about writing. If you are still subject to California MCLE (and for anyone who is or is interested in legal writing education), I recently took a class through the San Diego Law Library YouTube channel called Anatomy of an Appeal, which was excellent. And free.

        Another good writing course was through the Beverly Hills Bar Association (online) called Writing to Win II: advanced techniques for persuading judges.

  5. What’s your favorite affordable candle?

    Looking for something not too sweet/overly floral.

    1. I really like IKEA candles. Bonus I get to make it into a whole activity with lunch and snacks.

    3. Not a specific rec, but if you have local shops check them out. I have some candle & soap boutiques nearby where the owners make their own products and the prices are reasonable for handmade goods (not supermarket cheap, but not luxury prices). Two of them have base recipes that don’t bother my skin or my nose, and they always have a few scents that I like, so I just browse the store and pick whatever strikes my fancy.

    6. I have been on a sidequest to find my favorite candle for a while. For context I get headaches from musky/heavy scents, and tend to like green/clean scents best. So far:

      Favorite affordable-ish: P.F. Candle Co. Specifically Golden Coast, Amber and Moss, Ojai Lavender, and the seasonal Spruce (the BEST Christmas tree smelling candle). Wild herb tonic is a little weird. Lot of great room-filling scents, long burn time and $24.

      Not worth it: Target candles (smell great when you hold up to your face, but no throw when burning), Mrs. Meyers candles (same). Trader Joe’s candles are fine, but seem to vary a lot and availability is spotty.

      And not that you asked, but of the more expensive candles–

      Favorite fancy candle: Nest (scents are all SO GOOD, last a long time, and scent fills the room, I usually get them on sale)

      Second Place Fancy Candle: Boy Smells (generally have good throw, but tend to have love it or hate it scents, lots of headachey ones for me)

      Not worth it: Diptyque – Finally tried after years of thinking about it, was really disappointed. Nice, but not worth the money. Baies smells like Boy Smells LES but double the price for less oz, and the scent doesn’t fill the room.

    7. I find Anthropologie has really nice options in the mid-range. Nest candles are great but $$, if you can grab one in the Sephora sale the discount would help. I swear by Sydney Hale Co. for mid-priced candles with excellent throw, they have lots of nice herbal not too sweet scents.

    8. Honestly, not every scent is the best but the trader Joe’s ones are sometimes really good for $3.99. if your local store is still stocking grapefruit that’s the best scent all year!

    9. I like the Thymes of London ones – is there a small boutique near you to smell them? They might be a little more than you are looking to spend but once you know your scents, they have regular sales. I’m partial to the Mandarin Coriander and Olive Leaf, but they have a wide variety.

    10. I like Stonewall Kitchen candles. Not too expensive and don’t smell artificial.

  6. Advice for when someone you live with is giving you the silent treatment for days on end?

    1. Days on end is really alarming. Is this someone a child or an adult? Are they struggling with their mental health?

        1. Can you be more specific about your relationship, or if anything led up to the silent treatment?

          Advice differs if this is your partner and it’s an angry silent treatment, an elderly relative with depression, or a neurodivergent adult roommate., for instance.

    4. It depends on if I like them. When it’s my annoying junior I enjoy the peace, when it’s my brother I send an olive branch text.

    5. If a partner was giving me the silent treatment for days on end, I would no longer choose to live with them. If it were a child, I’d be working to get them into therapy. An hour or so of a bad mood is one thing. DAYS of using this as a punishment to someone is an unhealthy way of “communicating” unhappiness for the person doing and receiving. Either resolve whatever the issue is or move on.

        1. it is by no means impossible to find a man who can use his words to resolve a disagreement.

          1. The percentage of emotionally intelligent women is much higher than the percentage of emotionally intelligent men. So either some women marry lemons or they stay single forever, though no fault of their own, the math simply doesn’t work

          2. It matters to me if it’s manipulation tactics or something more like selective mutism.

          3. You’ve got to take the good with the bad. And some people need a few days to process. It is what it is.

          6. “The percentage of emotionally intelligent women is much higher than the percentage of emotionally intelligent men.”

            …how often do you read here, because that is not the conclusion I’ve drawn after daily readership here for a few years, haha.

    8. What is the relationship with this person? Friend/roommate, random roommate, or partner?

    9. Agree it depends who it is.

      If it’s your partner they need a come to Jesus talk or yes I’d agree with considering divorce.

      The way it’s worded – is it a parent or in-law? That also depends on age etc.

    10. Is it definitely the silent treatment (intended to punish you or perpetuate a fight by blocking any path to resolution), or did they just quit talking? With no context I have no idea if this is playing head games, if they’re overwhelmed, or if something else is going on entirely (like a mental health crisis or hell, even something neurological). But if it is head games, it’s very unfair to make someone wonder!

    12. Who is this person? Like, if it’s a roommate, I’d shrug it off because I’ve had some weird roommates and I was fine with it as long as they didn’t make a mess or not pay their half of the rent. If it’s a romantic partner, I would say that they needed to seek help for any mental health issues and if they didn’t take steps to do that, I would end the relationship. This was something my mom did for an extended part of my childhood – not even necessarily as a punishment, she would completely retreat inside herself and not talk to anyone for days on end in some situations – and while in hindsight I know it was a reflection of her own struggles that she didn’t have any help handling (and to her credit, this is no longer something she does), it just isn’t something I can live with for a protracted time as an adult.

    13. My husband was like this for a while. It was absolutely his depression, he absolutely needed help, and he refused to believe his depression was a problem. The short story is that I told him we were getting divorced, he crashed, I took him to the ER a couple of weeks later, the ER double his psych meds, he recovered, and we ended up standing married.

      My advice is to make it clear that he needs help and if he won’t get it you are gone.

        1. I stand by it, at least for myself. For me, The Silent Treatment is a total dealbreaker.

          2. +1. You have the right to use the silent treatment in your life but I won’t be in your life.

      1. Yeah, I agree. Why do we all assume the other person is 100% in the wrong? An apology is the quickest way to get back on speaking terms, even if you were only part of the problem.

    16. Therapy. My husband used to leave the house for a day or two when we argued – radio silence. Since therapy, he will still leave but no more than one day. And before he leaves, he says “I will be back tomorrow.” With that one sentence, I am relieved and it is better for both of us to process the argument.

  7. Traveling to Europe for spring break next week, need help with understanding dh’s travel anxiety. He seems to have decision fatigue from planning the itinerary. We haven’t booked a ton of things, but there have been lots of little things to figure out, like should we take the train or a cab from the airport to the hotel, for example. He also doesn’t love the idea of being in an unfamiliar place, he like it once he is there, but the idea stresses him out. Can anyone relate? I want to be understanding and have my own anxieties (claustrophobic!) but I am unsure of how to help him feel better. I have booked many things myself but he is still so uncomfortable, it is bumming me and the kids out.

    1. Stop involving him in the planning. Take a cab from the airport. Book a viator tour or two and call it a day. Don’t drag your kids into this just because it’s “bumming you out.”

    2. My husband ends up in a loop of researching everything and getting anxious about not picking the right thing when planning a trip. After a couple decades of travel we’ve settled on: (1) he gets a printed guidebook (Lonely Planet/Foders) of the city – no internet – and picks out five things that interest him; (2) I plan the trip with the goal of doing 2-3 of those things, even if they aren’t my favorite; (3) I pick the easiest options – not the cheapest when planning. Third one really helps a lot – we pick options that allow us to skip the line, pay for car service from the airport so the first day is easy, no activities on the first day and dinner is near the hotel.

    3. This does not excuse his behavior effecting you and the kids, but this would be a great time to outsource these types of decisions. Is there a way one of you can find a blogger who has made a similar itinerary, post here, or use ChatGPT to spell out the steps? Having a plan on paper can allow you both to have something to review and book. I had a similar experience planning an international trip and the lead up and planning was causing me stress. I asked a friend who is from the country to write me an itinerary and I booked that exact trip. Did I see everything I wanted, no. I spent more time the countryside than I would have wanted. But all I had to do was book things and show up.

    4. Just plan it and pick the easy things. Like why even debate the train? With luggage, what a hassle. Take an uber. Repeat for other choices and stop talking about it with him.

      1. Right–this decision alone made me think he was getting inundated with minutiae. Pick the easy things. Trains from the airport are too much thinking for a place you may never visit again.

        1. I agree. OP I think you are bit more into the minutiae than most of us. How in the world are you getting your kids involved in any of this?!

    5. Is there something specific he wants, or is asking you for? This might be one where there’s nothing you can do to make it not stressful for him… And so the solution is “30 minutes for trip discussion, and then we’re gonna table it”. Or you all mentally add $X to the trip budget to solve whatever problems crop up with money.

    6. My husband and I travel to Europe about once a year. I also have decision fatigue. I wouldn’t say I have travel anxiety but some things about travel stress me out. What works for us is that my husband makes all of the travel arrangements. I tell him my must-haves (hotel must have a real bathroom door, not see through) and he makes the arrangements. I love the Rick Steves travel books; it may make us touristy but I find they give great practical advice about getting around. I usually pick out a few things I want to see and DH figures out how to get us there. Many European countries have Uber/Lyft now although it may call a taxi. One thing that may help with stress and unfamiliar places is that you do not need to optimize every minute of the trip. It is perfectly fine to eat lunch at Starbucks or McDonalds every day if that works for you, is familiar, and decreases stress. Starbucks in Europe has toasties sandwiches which we enjoy, and McDonalds has different items in different countries which are fun to try. If your hotel happens to have a breakfast buffet, that is a low-risk option for trying new foods you may not like because you can easily get something else.

    7. In almost all cities, you can decide things like train or cab when you get there. Is this actually something that requires two people to do advanced planning?

      I will gently suggest that feeling the need to preplan even tremendously minor details like that may itself be a form of travel anxiety.

      1. eh, having a Plan A for decisions like this I find helpful. I’m only on my A game landing in Europe if we got upgraded. If we slept in economy no way does my brain want to make any unnecessary decisions until we check in (early, always early) and grab a 1-1.5 hour nap.

        1. Yes, have a plan A, but that doesn’t require two people to weigh in on it, and plan A can be formed on the drive to the airport before departure in 99% of trips to Europe. They aren’t going to a tiny town in Ethiopia. It will be fine if they don’t figure it out right away.

      2. Preplanning airport transfers in a foreign country is not a “tremendously minor detail.” There are scammers and other issues that could arise if you just pick a random car when you get to the airport. Preplanning is not anxiety. Sheeeeesus.

        OP, I agree that two adults do not need to hem and haw over something like that and just…. make the decision and leave him out of it.

        1. Especially pre-planning when travelling with kids. I am not an anxious traveler by any stretch of the imagination, but I always give thought to how I am getting from the airport to my hotel, even when travelling domestically and alone. I would never just wing it in a foreign country where I might not speak the language and scammers are a major concern, even in otherwise safe countries (looking at you CDG!)

          OP – I am the travel planner in my family and definitely agree with the advice you are getting. Handle the logistics yourself with the caveat that the person who does not take responsibility for the planning does not get to complain.

        2. Preplanning to the point of knowing what your options are is normal. Having tickets or transfers booked before getting on the plane is unnecessary in nearly all first world countries and even most third world countries.

        3. They’re going to Europe. It is a tremendously minor detail in Europe (unless they’re going to Ukraine, in which case his anxiety is justified!).

    8. Assuming you don’t mind the planning, just… make some executive decisions and don’t ask him.

      1. Agree with this. Also, just accept that travel is a little nerve-wracking. My husband and I are champion travels and we still get the jitters before every trip. It’s normal and feeling bad about it only makes it worse.

  8. In case anyone else is considering a Varley purchase, I tried a number of things on in person while in NYC on a business trip. I’m in my 40s and everything was very flattering – substantial, tailored without being baggy, and incredibly soft fabric. The pieces I tried on all ran a full size bigger (I took an XS in the double soft pants, and normally wear a 6 in designer, a 4 in mall brands). The inseam options were great, I’m 5’3 and the 28 length was perfect with sneakers. I grabbed a pair of the wideleg pants, the 4.5′ inseam shorts, and two short sleeve sweaters. The slim cuffed pants weren’t my favorite but the slim pintuck pant was great, they just didn’t have my size so ordering that online. These will be my new go to travel outfits for spring/summer.

    1. I don’t get the appeal? It looks like lands end with poorer quality fabrics and better marketing?

  9. Heading to NYC for a long girls weekend (fly in late Thurs and fly out Monday evening, so we have all day Fri/Sat/Sun) at the beginning of May. Will be staying with a friend who lives on the Upper East Side; friend and I visiting have been to the city several times before. Mid-30s. Any tips for fun new activities/restaurants/shows? I recently moved so one thing I’m potentially looking for is (affordable) local art. Would love any ideas!

    1. Well I am still longing to see the re-opened Frick (has anyone been?). But are you talking about looking for flea market level (affordable) art? Or something quirky you might find in a small of the beaten path gallery?

      1. Yes – went to the re-opened Frick and it was great. Strong recommend. If you do go, make a reservation for your entry time. Doing so saved us what looked like a very long line on a Saturday morning. And if you are interested in the restaurant, definitely make a reservation. We didn’t, and the wait time was upwards of two hours.

  10. How would you react in this situation?

    Women’s locker room at the pricey local gym: the woman using the locker next to me shielded her phone behind the locker door, but was clearly talking to her boyfriend on loud speakerphone, likely a video call based on her, uh, behavior.

    Once I realized what she was doing I yelled at her, she swore at me and stormed off out of sight, phone still going. I left before she did and alerted management on my way out. They were appropriately horrified and assured me they would come down harshly on her behavior. The manager sent an employee to watch the exit so they could catch her on her way out the door. I believe the plan was to revoke her membership, and possibly involve law enforcement as minors regularly use this locker room.

      1. Same. I would have moved somewhere else in the locker room. You both sound ridiculous.

      2. Because I did not consent to being on video naked in the background while she fondled herself two feet away from me.

        1. uhhhh your original post was not nearly descriptive enough to convey what was really going on here.

          2. For a group of women who consider themselves so masterful at reading between the lines it’s shocking how many people missed the very obvious subtext in the post. (I’m not even sure it could be considered subtext, it was so obvious it was basically overt).

          3. I totally got that but the amount of OF filming in our local gyms is pretty astounding. And I say good for OP! I hope the gym does revoke her membership.

          4. I assumed she was posing somehow or maybe set the phone so that it was filming her changing- not literal gardening.

        2. Still doesn’t change anything. Just go somewhere else. Are you from a small town or something?

          1. Being included in someone’s OF booty call without notice is expected in your locale?

          2. What? Someone using a video camera in a locker room is a problem by itself. Public “gardening” in close spaces with other people who didn’t sign up for that is a problem by itself.

            – person from a big city

          4. No? In the actual locker room, filming or using video is still definitely not okay in my large city, and I don’t want that to change. Filming in the actual gym is annoying but more common. Having your personal times convos in either setting is not okay.

          6. Do I (being from the city) get to have privacy in a changing room, or is that reserved for small town folk?

          7. I’m not saying it’s right, just something that happens. I don’t waste my energy getting worked up about something I can just avoid by moving.

          8. I assume you also think that having your car windows smashed is just part of living in a city?

            Not sure why living in a city means you should expect other people to have no standards for themselves, but it’s just stupid.

          9. If you are unable to relocate without putting yourself in the camera’s field of view, does that change the equation?

    2. I would have said “hey can you please turn off video” and left it there… if she was hiding behind the locker door then obviously she wasn’t filming the room?!

      1. Same. Yelling at strangers in public will seldom, if ever, get the desired results.

    3. I’m not sure how I’d react, but I wouldn’t have assumed it was her boyfriend on the phone unless that’s also a euphemism.

      1. While I am not privy to the specifics of their relationship, it was an obviously masculine voice and the conversation was NSFW.

        1. It just sounds so much like a scenario that someone who was paying would request, but of course boyfriends exist too, it’s just not the first thought that would cross my mind.

          1. Based on their opening greetings to each other it seemed they had an established relationship. Could be a repeat client, I suppose? That seems to make the call even less appropriate for the setting, TBH.

    4. I wouldn’t have yelled, but I would have politely asked her to turn her phone off speakerphone and if I got the same response, yes I absolutely would have reported to the front desk. Gyms have rules for a reason, I don’t understand the comments saying why would you care. Even if it wasn’t a video call and was just on speakerphone that’s still annoying and rude

    5. You did the right thing. My local Y has signs posted everywhere in the locker rooms about not using phones/not taking photos. There are tons of minors as it’s the cheapest place in our town for swim lessons. I’m so sick of people thinking their preferences or kinks are more important than other people’s right to privacy.

      1. How is this a controversial opinion? Whatever happened to the importance of consent?

        1. Yes, I really don’t like the idea that people who want access to locker rooms can get someone to film for them and we’re supposed to ignore it.

          1. I absolutely call out people who use their phone in a changing room. The point is that people with bad intent who want to film other are able to do it if using the phone is normalized

    6. Wait like, you think it was video because she was behaving like it was an… intimate conversation with her boyfriend? That I would absolutely report & expect serious action over.

      If you think it was video & she was trying to shield the phone in the locker so bf couldn’t see the room, I’d honestly assume she was clueless and didn’t understand how to turn off video. So I’d probably “helpfully” offer to show her or ask her to take it outside bc I am a busybody, or if you’re not comfortable talking with strangers, sure, ask management to do it. But the fact she was trying to hide it to me indicates she knows this isn’t an ok thing to do, and your saying something reinforces that social norm. But no, I wouldn’t expect her membership to be revoked or the police called!

    7. It sounds like she and the boyfriend were engaging in phone “gardening.” You were right. That’s completely inappropriate for a gym, ladies’ locker room or not. Wait until you’re at home.

      Had it merely been conversation, no actions or video, I would have ignored it raised an eyebrow.

        1. This. No one knows if you’re using video. I’m actually disgusted by the people saying just move. This is the sort of thing you immediately notify management about. It’s an area where people are without clothes and have an expectation of privacy. I’d treat this like a threat of upskirting or the like. Not enough to just move—there’s a responsibility for ensuring a safe space for others.

        2. What is even with this thread? Half the people think the OP should have just allowed video gardening and then I’m getting snark for just saying I would have ignored phone (as if we can’t tell when someone has earbuds in).

    8. I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable and I think yelling is appropriate, in fact, if it’s a place where minors frequently are. Someone who has the audacity to act like that in a locker room is unlikely to stop if you politely ask them. I hope she stormed off because she was (rightfully) embarrassed.

    9. Yeah this is very not cool and I hope her membership was revoked and she was arrested.

      My gym is very firm that cell phones cannot be used at all for any reason in the locker rooms and I appreciate that.

    10. I’m stunned by the nonchalant responses. Video or cameras in changing rooms, locker rooms, or bathrooms is a HUGE no in my mind and I would be incensed as well. I would have skipped confronting her and just gone straight to the gym staff, personally, but I don’t think anything wrong with what you did.

      1. 100% agree

        public gardening 🙅‍♀️
        video calls in locker room 🙅‍♀️
        photos in locker room 🙅‍♀️
        video gardening session in shared locker room 🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️

    11. I would have done the same thing, though I am so sick of people videoing at my $$$$ gym that I might have called the police from the front desk to file a report (assuming nudity was involved).

      When I had an issue with a gym (weirdo following me around / stalking behavior) the attitude of the gym managers was basically to mollify me in the moment and do nothing about revoking the guy’s membership. I would follow up and make sure corporate is aware.

    12. Being on a video call in a locker room where women are in various stages of undressed is insane! I don’t care what she was actually doing on the call. I’m glad they will revoke her membership.

    13. Yeah, I don’t yell at people unprovoked. That’s crazy behavior. You start by using your words, with an inside voice.

      1. Yeah, no, there was certainly provocation. Someone filming a gardening session in a locker room does not first merit a polite request.

  11. I’m wearing a version of this dress today as part of hot weather casual Friday! very easy to wear and since most offices are more casual this day, I think it works well with heels and nice jewelry

  12. My much younger sister lives in NC, where I didn’t grow up, and got into a public boarding high school called “science and math.” I think that it is like things like Thomas Jefferson in northern Virginia (or maybe Montgomery Blair), but it is residential and just for two years of high school. We don’t really know anyone in the state who has experience with this and our family generally doesn’t go to these sorts of schools (either boarding schools or test-in magnet schools). We think that it is a very good opportunity and yet worry that it is a pressure-cooker. She is already having serious imposter syndrome. She is a good kid and fairly independent; and I just want her and my parents to have a sense that she won’t be miserable or run-over if she is really just average in this crowd. If anyone here has any strong OMG no or OMG yes sentiments, or thing to google or avoid (Reddit?), that would be helpful to know.

    1. is she newly admitted and not even there yet but she’s worried that they made a mistake by admitting her? Or she’s there and actually feeling behind?

      1. She is newly admitted. Another kid she knows who got in is what my law school friends described as a gunner-type, which could be more parent-driven. I’ve tried to tell her it’s like a lottery of kids who meet basic qualifications and they know that rural kids and small school kids don’t all have 10 AP classes by now.

    2. So I don’t have personal experience, but I knew kids in college who went to Thomas Jefferson and a) most seemed pretty happy with it. I can see that some kids would get wrapped up in the competition unhealthily but it’s not necessarily a killer for mental health (ie not all challenging situations are bad for you)

      And also b), I was wildly jealous. I was happy enough in high school but honestly I was academically bored out of my mind. I do think I got something valuable out of “doing what needs to be done”/learning to be bored but…a part of me wishes I had had access to that kind of challenge. I got a postcard (dating myself with how recruiting happened then!) from an early-college program that let you start at 16, and I remember going to the library just to look it up and daydream about having that kind of opportunity

      So all that to say… if your sister wants to try it, I’d encourage her to.

        1. Same here. I was totally puzzled as to why the heroines of all the kids’ books were upset to be shipped off to boarding school or summer camp.

          1. Me too. Especially the ones with uniforms – I got bullied so much over my clothes.

    3. If you mean the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics, it has a great reputation. Unless it’s changed recently, I don’t think of it as a pressure cooker; the students come across more as self-motivated and driven by enthusiasm than pressure. I hope she’ll be really happy there!

      1. I live in NC and agree – it’s considered one of the best, if not the best, high schools in the country. It’s very competitive to get in! Congrats to your sister.

    4. I went to college with people who’d gone to this kind of school. It’s unusual for the US but more common in regions where there are big rural swaths of a state that lack opportunities for bright high school students (it’s hard to run AP classes in a 200-person high school). It sounds amazing, honestly! Can she or your family talk to anyone who is a current student or recent graduate?

    5. I live in NC not far from Science and Math. It is one of the best high schools in the country, and not only is she guaranteed a full ride to UNC or another NC state school, she’ll likely get offers and scholarships from tons of other schools as well.

      It does sound like a pressure cooker from people I know who went there. A kind of strange, low-rent, state run pressure cooker but still. For example, the kids have shifts for cleaning the dorms, making food, etc., because it is a public school after all. The people I know who went have great but unusual stories and there’s a strong network of well-connected alums in NC and New York as well. Best of luck to her!

    6. No experience with this type of school but I would like to speak to your comment about “average in this crowd.” As someone who was able to sail through regular public high school at the top of my class without expending any effort, being in the middle of a strong pack will develop better study and lifelong learning skills than being at the top of a mediocre bunch ever will. For me, while I did really well in college, it was the first time I had to strive for anything academically. Because school had always been easy, my study skills were quite weak freshman year.

      1. Yeah, this is a huge problem in my little town. Kids who are big fish here aren’t well prepared for college and flame out quickly when they can’t come to terms with being mediocre at best in a larger pool. It’s something a few of us try and prepare them for in their extracurriculars, but the “build kids up so they have good self esteem” pendulum has swung way too far to the side of kids having unrealistic ideas about their abilities.

  13. I work for an elected official who is up for re-election this year. I’ve been in this type of role most of my career (~10 years), and I generally love what I do. With a couple exceptions, I also really like my team. I often have a tough time adjusting to new team dynamics, but I felt comfortable with this group relatively quickly.

    I know that public officials get extra political and campaign-focused about six months out from Election Day. I was totally prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was my boss obsessively fixating on minor disagreements with fellow state officers, to the point that every interaction with them turns into a self-aggrandizing press interview and/or a request for the state’s AG to weigh in on the matter (not exaggerating). It’s really making me dread going to the office every day, especially because I’m asked to do a ton of work researching and writing on these issues…only to have Boss ignore my work because I didn’t reach the conclusion Boss wanted. It’s a big waste of time and totally demoralizing to boot.

    I have a strong background in this space, and I want to do something meaningful. Wondering if I can salvage this role at all (i.e., accept election years suck and just wait it out) or if it’s time to jump ship.

    1. The fact that you’re wondering hard enough about it that you’d post here on a Friday @noon, means you’re pretty unhappy. What kind of input would you like from us — do you want us to talk you into going? Into staying?

      (That’s a serious question; sometimes answering a question like that lets us recognize what we really want to do.)

      1. Thanks for the feedback! I think I’m just hoping to get an outside perspective. My gut is telling me that it’s time to move on, but then I wonder if I’m being too hasty about that decision. Some of the other comments here do make me think I’m not really being that impulsive or overreacting. I am starting to see that I’m falling into a trap of accepting this behavior as normal quirkiness when it seems to go beyond that.

    2. Former staffer here. You need a new boss. You have to be quirky to run for office, which you know after 10 years in the space. But this isn’t normal. Your boss is a bad one – it doesn’t get better. Leave, find someone new. Good luck!

    3. Is there a career public servant option available for your space? Your description sounds like a classic example of the pitfalls of working for elected officials, and this situation will be cyclical and inevitable. Maybe you would be more insulated from the relationship management/drama if you were in a career position?

      1. I had a job like yours for about 15 years and it took some time, but I was able to transition into a career position. This is cyclical and will be the same every 4 years. Also, elected officials hate reading the work of their staffers. They will prioritize almost any other source of reading material. It’s just how it is.

    4. If you have a good reputation then network your way into a staff position. Or, look at another elected. If the folks your boss is targeting are party allies, your boss is likely burning some bridges. If they’re not, then your boss might just be taking point on some strategies you’re not privy to. And if that bothers you, then it’s time to find another position.

  14. Outside of court or an interview, when do you think suiting separates (eg, tailored dress with lady jacket) is not formal enough?

    1. Basically never. I’ve presented to world leaders at a UN meeting in separates.

    2. If the dress and lady jacket go well together, have formal gravitas and are not twee colors or patterns, I think they work just about anywhere you need formal professional attire.

  15. I absolutely call out people who use their phone in a changing room. The point is that people with bad intent who want to film other are able to do it if using the phone is normalized

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