Coffee Break: Cloud Tote

173 Comments

1. for those of you who do a lot of public speaking/giving presentations – i just gave a presentation with q&a and it went great, but took so much out of me, i feel like i need a nap! how do i do this without feeling so depleted afterwards

   1. I do this a lot. Eat a protein-filled breakfast and have your usual amount of caffeine that day, don’t over-do it. Have a quick snack right when you get off the stage (trail mix, nuts). It is also absolutely paramount to stay hydrated! Otherwise, to some degree, it is always draining. You’re burning a ton of calories with how much intellectual work you’re doing during the presentation, so remember its totally normal!

      1. I agree that it should be draining! I do find it helpful to take a couple of hours to prep quietly in my hotel room or office before the presentation. If I have to schmooze or listen to other presentations right before mine, I start off depleted. Interacting with other people after the presentation is less draining than interaction beforehand.

         1. Yes, I have this same experience. I don’t get up there with maximum energy if I need to schmooze/attend other panels beforehand. I also try to time by caffeine intake strategically if that’s the case. I might wait to have my second cup of coffee until 30 mins before my presentation, etc.

   2. This is normal for me. I have a huge adrenaline surge going into my talks (excitement/stress/anxiety/drive), and when it comes down afterwards, it is a crash. Part of this is my personality. For some, the more talks you do, the peaks and valleys lessen.

      1. Yes, I speak all the time, and I don’t really have a crash afterwards anymore because it’s so normal to me (now…wasn’t always!), but I do sometimes really dread it going in because I have to kind of talk myself up to be a higher level of energy than my baseline.

         1. Yes, I share this experience. The amp-up factor is all too real. I feel like you need to have you energy at a 10/10 on the stage in order for it to read like a “normal” energy level to the audience.

         2. I also speak frequently and find that the crash afterwards is inversely proportional to how routine the presentation is. A big, high-stakes presentation to hundreds of people will still cause me to crash hard, as will facilitating a meeting where I have to take in, process, and harmonize multiple participants’ perspectives. But a routine conference panel or webinar is no big deal, especially if it’s on one of my stock topics.

   3. Agree that this is pretty normal. I try to work my schedule so I have some down time afterwards.

   4. It’s the same for me after game days for a team I coach. I’m not doing the running, but I feel totally drained after. Like another commenter said, it’s just the crash.

   5. I fell asleep upright in my office chair after giving my first CLE… so you’re doing better than me!

      1. Cornellian, are you back after a hiatus? If so, welcome back!

         1. ❤️

         2. A very long hiatus featuring a second marriage and a new baby!! but yes it’s me, hi!

            1. Congratulations!! And welcome back.

            2. Yay!! Welcome back!

            3. Glad to see you again, with the great news.

   6. I speak at conferences a lot, so I tend not to get nervous beforehand.

      Even so, I’m usually still a little bit amped up / jangly after my sessions. I tend to find some friends/colleagues to go have a bite with (especially my co-presenters if I have them) and get off the conference floor. That distance helps me reset a bit.

2. For my fellow pears, do you ever add darts to the top of a garment so it’s not so huge? I have to buy everything to float over my hips, and that makes every single thing I own too large everywhere else but there. I think I’d not look so blocky if I had some darts added to make everything come in closer so it’s not so much fabric where I’m smaller. Sort of a gentle trapezoid vs a full-on rectangle with some gentle shaping (not trying to make things so tight as to be sheath-like). Two questions: is this something a good tailor could do and would it actually help improve the fit? I’ve tried to attempt what I’m going for with binder clips but they added bulk (just differently from the current bulk) where I’m trying to reduce it.

   1. A tailor can absolutely help with this.

      1. Worth a try. I’ve self-tailored before to achieve this result and it was surprisingly successful. Best outcomes were with sleeveless dresses in printed knit fabrics (print made the darts less obvious and the shaping less extreme).

   2. I gave up trying to do things like this, as it was often pricey and rarely got the look I hoped for. And it gets depressing to spend so much $ on tailoring to get the fit perfect, and then weight fluctuations makes it all for naught.

      This is why I rarely wear dresses, or choose cuts/fabric that work better with my shape. Shifts/A line etc…

      1. Like this commenter, it’s expensive and rarely works in my experience. And truly, I don’t need anything to “float” over my hips. For blouses, I tuck them in, for dresses, I get them stretchy.

   3. Darts and seaming can help, but for me, the issue would be the shoulders are still much too big. Shoulder alterations are major and don’t always come out well. If your proportions are so extreme, consider separates rather than dresses if you’re having trouble finding dresses.

   4. Sometimes it’s possible to add darts — you’d want to take the garment to a tailor to find out (there has to be enough fabric in the right places in order to cut and sew the shape of a dart).

      I have the same issue as a pear—there is often too much fabric around the upper torso, and not enough at the lower torso. There are two very common alterations I do on a lot of my tops (I do these myself):
      • On sleeveless tops, I nip in the side seams from the underarm down to the waist. On boxy sleeved tops, I run a seam up the sleeve, pivot at the underarm, and then angle back down. I’ve done this on soooo many shirts (even sweaters and cardigans).
      • I open up vents on the side seams at the bottom of the garment, to give my hips room. This works well on woven fabrics — my machine isn’t the kind that could make this look good on knits.

   5. Piggybacking on this question- sometimes I find dresses have a tonne of extra space around the back of my neck and shoulders? MM Lafleur has been particularly bad for this for me. Is that something I can get taken in at a tailor? Is it just bad fit, cheap fabric, or what would cause this when the rest of a dress fits properly?

      1. Bad fit

      2. It’s caused by the fact that the shape of your body doesn’t match the shape that the dress pattern pieces are shaped for. (Look at all these different ways a top needs to be recut to fit people’s different shapes! https://blog.closetcorepatterns.com/bodice-fitting-8-guide-to-fitting-a-bodice-with-darts/)

      3. It’s often because your shoulder slope differs from the slope the garment is designed to fit.

   6. I tell my teen that corset-backed prom dresses are just a way to make something small-medium-large vs sized to actual humans and yet the concept would be handy as a way to gather up loose adult clothes (maybe from the underneath vs visible), similar to how bustles work on wedding dresses to contain giant trains.

   7. No. I did trial and error to find the brands that fit me best. They don’t need much work other than hemming.

      1. Which brands? A lot of us pears have differences in top and bottom of several sizes. Dress brands that somehow accommodate that and don’t look odd are hard to find.

         1. Not the one you are replying to, but as another extreme pear I find the GAP & Banana Republic family of brands (including Factory) fits me more consistently than other mall-level brands. Also look for styles that work better for pears: A-line, fit & flare, skirts with volume over the hips rather than slim, sheath styles.

   8. A tailor can help with many things to improve fit–I have to bring most of my pants and many tops for a similar problem. Bring in the new clothes with tags on to the tailor to see what they can do–maybe take in side seams, maybe add a front dart, maybe add double sided darts in the back. I personally don’t find this too expensive (eg taking in the waist of unlined dress pants-sometimes using darts- costs me about 22 dollars) and it’s very hard to find work clothes that fit off the rack. But as a fellow pear, I gave up on many dresses that are for straight sized or narrow hipped people, or are a sheath fit. Sometimes taking in fabric around the waist and top will distort the hemline or ruins the aesthetic of the piece.

3. I have one woven silk shirtdress that I love (DVF Prita) and I think it looks sharp. But otherwise, I feel like other woven cotton ones just look like a hot mess. The self belt just poorly attempts to make a shapeless SML garment have a shape, but somehow highlights how shapeless it is. And wearing sans belt is worse. I thought that a shirt dress would look better — collar, waist, some seeming intentionality. Is there a way to make these look better? I feel that a man in a collared shirt and pressed pants looks good, even if casual. What is the female equivalent?

   1. I prefer shirt dresses that have a defined waistband but that are not intended to have a belt (i.e., they have an actual waistband and not just a single seam that is meant to be covered by a belt).

   2. I wear a collared shirt and pressed pants, sometimes with a cardigan in winter. Shirt dresses look absurd on my frame, so I skip them.

   3. I like shirt dress styles with a set in waist. Then they have shape and belting is optional. I also throw away those fabric belts and use my own good quality leather belts.

   4. Synthetic aux wrap knit dresses are the equivalent for women. You always look polished, but they also fit into a casual setting.

      1. (“faux wrap)

4. Can anyone recommend a modern-feeling blazer for a business casual office? I’m currently pregnant and looking for an easy way to add a bit of structure to maternity tops. Will need to be worn open for obvious reasons! All of my blazers were part of suits and don’t really fit me.

   1. You don’t say a maternity blazer specifically but I loved (like inappropriately so) my Isabella Oliver maternity blazer when I was pregnant. It was mostly summer so I had a light stone colored one but I’m sure there’s also black. It looked professional and right. I think you can probably find them on poshmark or similar. Oh I loved that blazer so much

   2. Every year Talbots makes a linen blazer in a rainbow of colors. (I own a goodly part of said rainbow.) Check their website to see it, and then check Poshmark for pre-owned.

5. food for thought – when students receive financial aid from their institution, whether it be through work-study programs, or just cash distributions to cover school related expenses should there be legal requirements that stipulate what the money can be used for? I ask because there are a number of top universities (i work for one) that cover all expenses for students who come from families below a certain income threshold. Many of these students are sending the money home and then don’t have enough money for textbooks or groceries, etc. and request additional funding, which the university then provides. where does the university’s responsibility end? should it end?

   1. IDK and I thought funds were just refundable if you were living off-campus and without a meal plan. Administratively, I can see it be easier to meet the school’s goals by requiring students to live on campus and have meal plans (so no cash transfer). Also: aren’t students taxed on funds > cost of attendance?

      Finally: what do the boosters do for the money sport sportsball teams? I am confident that those kids do sports not just for their future selves but to feed/house their families now.

   2. Realistically some students can’t take advantage of these opportunities without actively harming their families unless they send some money back. It’s a huge sacrifice for families when their best and brightest decides to invest in education instead of working and contributing financially right now, and it can be a reason people with all the potential in the world drop out and never graduate. So if we’re talking scholarship money and retention, it’s not poorly spent money.

      1. totally agree. it is highly unlikely a student will be able to focus on their education if they are worried about their family being evicted, so i understand why they send that money home. at the same time, i do see the point of where does it end/what level of responsibility does the university have. people are often complaining (rightfully so) about the increased costs of higher education and i can understand why others might find it frustrating and the sentiment of ‘the plight of the middle class,’ when it comes to earnings and paying for college

         1. I think people who can do math understand that it’s a drip in a bucket and a good return on investment.

            1. As a mathematician who can definitely do the math, I agree.

      2. 100

   3. Do you have proof for your dog whistle?

   4. If these kids aren’t sending money home, will they have to drop out, go home, and get a job to help support their families?

   5. I think the answer is not to have open-ended funding. “Your grant funding is $X. If you need funding beyond that, you’ll need to take out loans.” While well-intentioned, a university isn’t in the business of supporting low income families.

      1. i think the OP’s question/point is that at some institutions it is turning into that. and whether that makes sense.

         1. What institutions are in danger of being in that situation?

            Maybe I’m salty because my kid got into some elite schools but not others (did very well but there were some disappointments), but I’m not losing sleep over whether Stanford or USC or Yale is giving some undergrad’s family 5k a year when they have such massive endowments and deans for everything from microwave technology to late-night television.

   6. No. Once what is owed the university is paid, what’s left is refunded. It’s taxable income. I don’t tell you what to do with your income, nor do I tell students.

   7. I assume you mean a contractual obligation to use the money as specified? That might help alleviate pressure to send money home (“Mom and Dad, I can’t help because I have a contractual obligation to spend the money on textbooks.”).

      But, if the student breaches the agreement, I can’t think of any remedy that makes sense. I suppose the university could just not grant any more money, which they’re also free to do in the absence of a student’s contractual obligation to spend money in a particular way. Financial aid packages don’t come with a promise of funds for every need.

      Required comprehensive meal plans and giving textbook money at the beginning of the semester might be of more help than a contractual obligation to ensure financial aid is spent on the student. That way the student’s food is paid for without them having to touch the meal funds and they get textbook money just in time to buy the textbooks, so it’s not sitting there as an option to help loved ones.

      1. I’ve noticed that people often like to imagine that parents are milking the student for all they are worth but will just knock it off if another authority intervenes and everyone will be okay. I’m sure that sometimes happens, but my impression is that it’s just as likely if not more likely that the family is a grandparent who is getting to the age that their caretaking and medical needs are becoming significant, and if the student doesn’t help out, they’ll simply not have their needs met (which is why there’s such a risk the student will just drop out). Sometimes there are minor dependents too.

         I paid for a lot of things for family before I went off to college and spent my money on textbooks for me instead. I was a lot more selfish than a lot of college students, so my family just suffered (though they did hide it from me to an extent, and I learned more about bad things actually got later on).

   8. I’d be surprised if there isn’t a limit to the amount of cash distributions the university will provide under those circumstances. Though I didn’t get financial aid in college, plenty of my friends did and would occasionally get small grants/loans from the student aid office in order to deal with unexpected expenses including things like bus and train tickets home for breaks.

      While I don’t doubt that there are parents/families that find themselves in a pinch and ask for funds from a college student for groceries or rent, the amount you can earn in work-study is finite and probably couldn’t sustain a whole family for months on end.

   9. We are not talking about huge amounts of money here. Financial aid is limited to the official cost of attendance. The amount included in cost of attendance to cover travel, books, and personal expenses is very small–just $1,900 per year at my daughter’s private college, which doesn’t even cover her travel despite the fact that she stays on campus for most breaks. The rest of the cost of attendance goes towards mandatory tuition, housing, meal plan, and fees and could not possibly be siphoned off.

      I suppose students living off campus could theoretically send home some of the allowance for room and board, but when I was in college the room and board allowance for off-campus students did not come close to covering those expenses even in a shared room in a terrible apartment. The only way to send money home would have been to live in a tent.

      1. Or for students to attend well-endowed schools they can commute to, and use some of their student housing funds for the shared family dwelling situation. At Flagship State U, housing in the COA is about 8K/year, so not a nothing burger in areas within in an hour of campus. Other State Us are sprinkled in lower-COL areas of the state. I think be local / commute from home might be how the math is beneficial.

         Still, now I’m interested in how funds are handled for the students in the big-money sports who are actually parents, because housing a family (and things like health insurance) can get expensive fast in many cities and guys going to the NBA/NFL draft likely have funds coming in from booster groups to get them to go. I guess it’s all in a 1099?

         1. Don’t students living at home have a lower COA?

      2. This. The bulk of the aid is in the form of free tuition, room and board. And none of that is cash. The cash amounts are very small.

         1. Yes this.

            I wonder where the OP got her info.

   10. How do you know they are sending the money home? The budget for travel, books, personal expenses in the aid package is woefully inadequate. My student is theoretically allotted $200 for travel per year. One round-trip plane ticket is $600.

6. I went to the Early Birds Club in DC on Friday and it was absolutely great!! It’s a dance party for women, trans, and non-binary people that goes from 6:00 pm to 10:00 pm (because we have sh*t to do in the morning).

   They have parties in the big cities all over. Highly recommend!

   1. Thank you for the reminder that this exists. It sounds so fun and I hope to get to go one day.

   2. I went in Atlanta earlier this year, and my friends and I had such a good time! Would def go again.

7. Picking up the topic at the end of the morning thread, about what counts as “flattering” – are the commenters complaining that current looks aren’t flattering referring to clothes that aren’t skin tight? Over the decades, we have always seen popular styles that are not tight, form fitting, or delicate/feminine – think prairie dresses, heavy Steve Madden wedges, grunge. I understand why loose pants are seen as unflattering, but there’s no question they’re considered stylish now while narrow pants are seen as stodgy and serviceable. I’m happy to wear leggings when I want a fitted style and loose barrel pants when I want to be comfortable and current. Do others really think there’s a universally flattering and “timeless” look? Because someone used the word “timeless” on that thread and I laughed out loud.

   1. As used generally? Garments that enhance the attractiveness of the wearer by traditional standards. Skin tight may or may not be flattering by this measure!

      1. Can you elaborate on “traditional standards”? Styles change every decade or even more frequently. I think many people consider “traditional standards” to equal “what was in style when I was young and cute”. Are there some immutable “traditional standards” that I am unaware of?

         1. I never hear it that way, as opposed to making you look taller, thinner, more proportional, etc. Whether those *should* be the standards are not, that’s the reference.

            Also flattering colors – those that enhance your complexion vs. make it look sallow or ruddy or gray.

            1. If the ideal is to look taller and slimmer, why do young people (and some older ones) wear barrel pants and cottagecore at all? These looks are very popular but not really slimming. I guess what’s bothering me is the idea that young people today are wearing ugly clothing and we (the “olds”) know better. It’s like the blue frosted eyeliner, which was worn by young people in the 70s and was not an old woman look then, but is definitely an old woman look today. Looking dowdy is a big fear of mine, apparently.

            2. they don’t care whether it looks traditionally flattering or not and are just experimenting with different styles.

   2. OP on that thread. I don’t believe there is a universal definition, no. When I say flattering/unflattering, I’m talking about whether it complements MY body (not the body I wish I had) and overall vibe that I’m going for. Where I get into trouble is when I want to try out something outside my comfort zone and what has proven to work for me, and that look does not line up with reality.

      1. Continued to say: I am not trying to look like my younger self, but I do want my clothes to make me look good at this particular stage in life! Even when I was younger and definitely slimmer, I still had fit issues, so this really isn’t a weight/body shape thing.

      2. I hear that, and I think most of us feel the same way about our comfort zone. But as a no-longer-young person, I worry that keeping to my comfort zone will make me look old and dated. I’d almost rather look a tiny bit heavier than feel old and dated! I’m not talking about wearing clubwear to CVS when I’m 60, just updating my style a bit so it’s not as obvious I’m old enough to be the new intern’s grandma.

         1. That’s a fair point!

         2. Yes! And I think the big hint that you might be stuck in a comfort zone long enough to look dated is when you can no longer find your “comfort zone” cuts in stores where you like to shop. If none of your favorite brands are making it, it means fashion has moved on.

            1. Agree! and all the comments about certain looks being timeless seems to think that manufacturers are deliberately holding back on making “popular, timeless” styles and would rather lose money on “ugly” current clothing. Those timeless looks are just clothes that were popular 10 or 20 years ago.

            2. Manufacturers deliberate a ton. Never imagine that planned obsolescence is just for technology or quality or longevity; they absolutely try to get people to buy things they’ll be dissatisfied with so that they keep shopping.

   3. I very firmly believe that there are people here who think “timeless” means stuff their eyes are used to seeing. The vast majority of clothing dates. It’s fine to say you don’t care about looking dated but most of what you bought a decade ago at banana republic looks dated now, even if you still like it. When I’ve forced myself to try current styles I’ve found my eyes adjust to what is “flattering” pretty quickly. When I recently tried on some old slim cut pants they screamed “dated” so loud I didn’t even bother to consider if they were flattering.

      It’s funny because when I was younger I never worried about this. That makes sense: I didn’t have decades of old stuff lying around. Most things I owned were new enough to be somewhat current. Maybe the modern looser cuts are less flattering. I kind of don’t care. Now that I’m middle aged, I’d rather look like I know what’s going on in fashion, culture and the world around me than look slightly skinnier middle aged lady in 2016 time warp. Plus if not in my 40s, when? Am I going to tell myself that I’ll just wear styles from the last decade until I like what’s in style again? No, because that’s a lie. I’d probably just continue to wear out of date stuff until forever, because it’s not going to get easier after more years of wearing dated stuff.

      1. This. Even if someone is pulling off some kind of retro style, they’re not doing that by time warp. It’s still updated. And that is harder to do than it is to just be somewhat current.

      2. This actually makes a lot of sense. I also have become more sensitive to the time-warp factor in a way I never cared about before.

   4. I think there’s two different concepts at play here —

      When most people say “flattering” they mean “this makes me look closer to the ‘ideal’ body type.” In the western world at least, that body type has almost always been: an hourglass shape with a narrow waist and long legs. Aka, barbie.

      However, the reason “timeless” doesn’t really work is that your eye for what clothes do to accentuate that shape changes with trends.

      For example, as a teen in the 2000s I was horrified by high waisted jeans, because I thought they made everyone look like like they had a saggy butt. And for the past decade I’ve thought the opposite– high waisted jeans make butts look great, and low-rise jeans are horrifyingly unflattering.

      Garments that aren’t as susceptible to trends but still make people feel/look closer to the beaty ideal are probably closer to “timeless”– like a DVF wrap dress– but I’m skeptical there’s anything that’s truly timeless in a literal sense.

      1. Plus trends for what’s a fashionable body have changed, and jeans have changed to try to provide the fashionable body-look. Early 2000’s a small butt was in, and low waisted jeans with pockets placed low were supposed to make your butt look small by reducing the amount of fabric in the “butt” region of the pants. Now huge butts are in fashion, so high waist jeans increase the amount of fabric in the “butt region” of the pants, thereby implying the wearer has a bigger rear end.

   5. Timeless can be done, but it is rarely successful unless you are talking about someone with gravitas and either (i) really, really high quality logo free non-descript clothing, or (ii) you have a fairly eclectic well defined (again high end) style. On the first , think Meryl Streep in the original Devil Wears Prada – all of her outfits read current, and on the second think Carla Rockmore.

   6. i don’t think anything is really timeless or universally flattering. “classics” like a white shirt or a trench or jeans or a little black dress are still influenced by trends. Also agree that there is no such think as universally flattering because people’s bodies are shaped differently. That said, I do think we are currently in a quagmire of unflattering trends. I think very oversized is not universally flattering (I also think very tight is not universally flattering). I also think that midi length in a skirt or a dress is dowdy and makes most people looks dumpier than a shorter or longer length.

   7. Didn’t comment on the morning thread, but here’s my take. Many of our current styles are inspired by the 70s. Those of us who were there or whose parents were there know what it’s like to look back at old photos and laugh and laugh. Because those denizens looked absolutely awful. Their clothes weren’t flattering- they didn’t amplify a person’s best features. Those people will tell you, “Oh, I felt beautiful in that dress,” but their 2026 eyes will tell you it’s an ugly dress. We are in Emperor’s New Clothes moment (fashion follows politics??) and hopefully it’ll end soon.

      1. Yeah but back in 1998 I had a beautiful pink, white and black outfit that was very similar to St. John styles of the time (it was a dupe because I didn’t pay St. John prices). I recently saw a picture of me at an event back then, and the outfit is *cringe*. Trust me when I say that the real St. John wouldn’t have been any better. It was along these lines: https://www.ebay.com/itm/117076701416?_skw=st+john+pink+and+black+suit&itmmeta=01KP4FQXARADDAR4GP1TBTJSB9&hash=item1b4250b0e8:g:WhwAAeSwsV9prafq&itmprp=enc%3AAQALAAABAGfYFPkwiKCW4ZNSs2u11xB1ruAwCezwCK%2FzqMh0TM8QpxQ7nBlaZlQHG3er57bhfwWSXVfEkWYSGX5fS%2FQR3PCUZk5kZlXY3G46J5WEZi34Qe8qCv9iXUcxDbRMkDP3JL9%2F2F21Rp8FhkgQ%2BO3GLEEgZQu33wIR1xcgil42Ohtb017v5MClmANrDb%2B%2ByJ97kjgBqHjZabSE5u2dcSnjMMGuZPwu8WKm3zUo0lQSgQXBuVFg7GFtpoXZ%2Bj4CrduPui0l1Mss5jEpah1YDKrVuj%2Bj1KP325ae5Hmo8OF%2F4Guw61SI5J0BSXOhVHpnx8Zgbtte09%2BTEMwTeq5cWW7%2BreY%3D%7Ctkp%3ABk9SR8jV34-xZw

         Maybe high quality, maybe stylish at the time, maybe “traditionally flattering”, but certainly not “timeless”.

   8. I think styles that skim the body – more like cigarette pants than skinny jeans or leggings – are classic and pretty much universally flattering. Good tailoring and fit is always going to look more put together than skin tight or oversized.

   9. Whether you’re talking about skinny jeans, barrel pants, or tops that show your belly, there are a lot of styles that only look good automatically on people who are young and thin. Everyone else has to try and “MAKE IT WORK!” Cue Tim Gunn, haha. I think “timeless” means you are not trying to keep up with the styles or be overtly trendy. You are seeking pieces/fabrics/cuts/colors that look good on your own body, in your own life, in your own context. Maybe they will be slightly dated or out of sync with whatever is supposed to be fashionable. But it’s more about making decisions with your brain and eyes than following trends.

      1. I see a lot of overweight young women wearing crop tops though! And that’s fine!

         1. I don’t want to see anyone’s midriff in public. Toned or not it’s gross.

         2. I’d say that’s the definition of unflattering and exactly the visual I thought of when I read OPs question.

   10. “I understand why loose pants are seen as unflattering” — okay, but this is so dependent on the cut of the loose pants and the physique of the person wearing them! As someone who now carries their weight in the belly, butt, and thighs (thanks, menopause!), certain types of wide-leg pants are absolutely more flattering on me than skinny or even straight-leg pants. Wide-leg pants make me look more proportional by balancing me out better.

       My belief? Timeless looks don’t exist because *history*. Universal flattering looks don’t exist because *biology*.

   11. I think some things transcend time. When I see photos of Caroline Bessett Kennedy from back in the day, for example, she looks way more current than him. Simple shapes and solids in nice fabric tend to look less out of place. I worked with someone ages ago who was a super boring dresser—she wore suit trousers, long sleeve button downs and sometimes crew neck sweaters in black, charcoal, navy or camel ever day. Maybe the occasional plain cardigan. Photos from back in the day she looks less a fashion victim than me in my boot cut pants and bright chunky necklaces.

       1. Some people are exceptions. Lauren Hutton looks gorgeous and chic even in the most 70s styles. Most of us aren’t Carolyn Bessette or Lauren Hutton and we follow fashion.

8. Suggestions for alternative to Jockey Skimmies for slip shorts to lightly smooth things out/prevent chub rub in the summer? I like the weight of the skimmies but they, for lack of a better term, squeak when I walk and my thighs rub together (so plus on preventing chub rub, but I don’t want to sound like a rubber ducky). They are an older pair, though, so if you tell me the current version doesn’t do that, also open to trying that.

   1. Not smoothing, but men’s cotton boxer briefs are super comfortable for preventing chub rub and breathe nicely.

      1. Those didn’t work for me at all. They aren’t cut for a woman’s figure – no room for any junk in the trunk at all, and I don’t have junk in the front to fill out the pouch.

   2. i keep looking at the colling shorts at thigh society in the hopes that they will send me a coupon. they’re so expensive, having problems biting the bullet.

      1. Same. I like the idea of the Jockey Skimmies, but I own them and really don’t like the fabric much. It feels itchy to me?

   3. Huh, sounds like a bum pair. I’d try again. For some control top help, I love Underoutfit’s version.

   4. i have a pair of skimmies and they are not summer weight. I would definitely not want to wear them all day in august if i was, say, sight seeing in Rome.

   5. i’m sorry you SQUEAK? I’ve never heard of that with jockey skimmies. are they squeaking because the fabric is too tight? honestly can’t even imagine that.

      I have a few jockey skimmies and like them a lot. i bought the cooling shorts from thigh society last fall and haven’t tried yet.

      i have some older ones from uniqlo (not sure they make them anymore) and truly hate them, ha.

   6. Thigh Society has gloriously soft material and I’ve never noticed a sound from them. If you wanted to try boxer briefs, TomboyX has them for women.

   7. Knix makes a “thigh saver” line in various lengths. I like the light absorbency ones for hot weather.

      https://knix.com/collections/thigh-saver-shorts

   8. Go up a size in the Spanx shorts. Assets by Sara Blakeley at Target is the lowest cost version.

   9. TomboyX’s modal long leg boxers have been great for me and somewhat tolerable in triple-digit heat. Def. better than Skimmies. Duluth Trading has a long-leg boxer in their Buck Naked fabric that would likely be even cooler but they don’t fit me as well and are a skoosh shorter (so they ride up my legs).

   10. Get these from the River site (super inexpensive, does the trick): Sexy Basics Womens Ultra Soft Yoga Bike Short | Stretch Boxer Briefs | Multi Packs

9. Fellow m1graineurs!

   I have my m1graines fairly well controlled now via monthly Emgality and rescue Ubrelvy, but yesterday I had a doozy and today I still feel “broken.” What do you do to make yourself feel functional after a big m1graine? The headache has passed but I feel sort of lethargic and hung over.

   1. I wish I had advice to share, but a bad migraine usually takes a couple days to cycle through and for me to feel back to normal. It’s tough.

   2. I’m a subscriber of the McDonald’s Coke and French fry theory. Exhaustion from migraine aura usually requires me to do the bare minimum to get through like order takeout and focus on tasks that aren’t heavy.

      1. OP here – I did the coke and fries thing yesterday! My husband took me to the drive through because there’s no way I could have driven. My dog got chickie nuggies and was happy, but it didn’t fix the headache, sadly. (was delicious, though!)

         I’m trying some ice cream now. :(

   3. Just sleep, and then caffeine.

10. How long do you expect sheets to last? I bought some flannel sheets from LLBean in 2020 and they are already threadbare in several places; I swear that the linens I had in the late nineties and early two-thousands lasted for a decade minimum! Am I losing my mind? Is this worth complaining about to Bean?

    1. you can complain about it to bean — but i think it depends how many sheets you have — like if you have 3 pairs of flannel sheets in rotation any particular set will get 1/3 the amount of use it would if you’re the type to take the sheets off the bed, wash them, and put them back on (also valid! i’m just far too tempted by all the gorgeous prints at garnet hill etc).

       if you only have one set of flannel sheets for winter i’d say 6 years is a pretty good run.

    2. I swear my husband digs his toes into the sheets because they always get threadbare within two to three years in the same place. But we rotate between only three sets of sheets, so they’re getting a lot of regular wear.

       1. If his toe area is where they’re wearing, make sure he keeps up with toenail maintenance. This is a pet peeve of mine, TBH.

    3. You’re right sheets are getting worse. They did used to lay a decade now I get 3-4 years

    4. I have flannel sheets from LLBean, about five years old. They are my absolute favorites and still in great shape.

    5. 6 years doesn’t seem that bad to me for something that’s presumably washed and dried regularly.

       1. +1

11. Has anyone ever intentionally taken a job that paid significantly lower than their current one? Like, 6 figures lower? I currently make $175k in banking compliance, but I want to rip my hair out from boredom and frustration every single day. I’ve worked at banks of various sizes, for the government, and for consulting over the last 10 years. I honestly hate banking, and I want to do something totally different. I am not a lawyer. Some family members have worked in healthcare and have suggested to me that I may use my compliance/regulatory skills in healthcare instead. I found a role to apply for with my city’s healthcare system that pays $75,000. I’m very interested in the job description, I can identify areas where my skills would be applicable, but it is new enough to excite me. Additionally, the main area is oncology, which is close to me for various reasons. I wouldn’t be interacting with patients.

    Am I crazy to apply? I’m keeping in mind that there is a lot of room to grow with this particular role, and most likely would end up making 6 figures again in a few years, but probably not $175k. I’m single, no kids, not planning on having kids. Do I stay in banking the next 30 years knowing I’ll hate it or go for something new?

    1. I’ve taken a paycut before but not a >50% pay cut. I’d think very very seriously about whether you can live on the lower salary.

    2. I think you try it for a year or 2 and if you find you hate it, you try something else.

       Caveats: Make sure you’ve got a good cushion of cash on hand + try out living with the lower salary for a month or 2 to see if it works for you.

    3. I have taken a pay cut. but that’s a big pay cut. I think the real question is can you afford to take it. If you can realistically, certainly i don’t think more money is making you happier.

    4. You are in your prime earning years, so it is definitely a strike against the job that it is signficantly less – and there is a long path between applying and having an offer in hand. If you are genuinely interested, apply! Mentally frame it as a learning experience.
       It’s a big world out there, start exploring.

       1. Big 4 accounting firms have a lot of people working in compliance, and they pay well. They tend to have opportunities all over the country. Check there!

    5. Can you look for another banking role that’s more interesting? I used to think I hated my field, but it turned out I was just in boring roles. I love my field now.

    6. You’re not crazy to apply. You can do whatever you want! It’s your life. You’re allowed to make choices. Presumably, if you’ve been making that kind of money, you have all kinds of money saved. Lots of money in the bank buys you options.

       Be realistic about the implications: Do a budget. Are you willing to cut your lifestyle to live on 75K, or do you plan on dipping into savings to cover the difference?

    7. Yes, but $100K was a way lower % of my then-current takehome, going from Biglaw ($300) to in-house ($200). And I knew it was coming years ahead of time, so didn’t set up my life to need Biglaw money, and had paid off my loans, saved up a down payment, and had a good investment next egg.

       Going from $175 to $75 is a way more meaningful drop….

    8. Not six figures, but I took a 20k cut for my current job and have no regrets. The work is so much better, my colleagues are interesting and nice, I love the location, literally the only downside is the financial and it is a perfectly reasonable living wage.

       75K is a tough salary in 2026, especially if you’re used to a 175K.

       1. Yeah, I agree on 75K being a tough salary. You might not have that much money leftover in your paycheck after the cost of benefits, retirement, etc. When I earned $55K, my take-home pay was only $1,000 per paycheck. It’s very meager. 75K is more, but not a lot more….

    9. I wouldn’t want to spend 30 years in a job I hate.

       175 -> 75 is a huge drop though. Concretely, what would it mean in terms of your decisions & options – would you have to work more years/delay retirement; would you move; etc? If you’re not sure, I’d start there: in detail, what are you spending money on; and what would you spend it on if you made 75k? That will give you something concrete to decide about whether you value the money more, or the job experience.

    10. Sounds like you’ve tried a variety of bank compliance jobs, and if you “know” you hate it, why waste another 30 years of your life?? I’d try something new in that situation! Maybe apply for the city job just with the goal of learning more about other regulatory compliance roles. On the finances issue, city jobs sometimes come with amazing benefits like free health insurance and a pension, so quantify that. I’d look at similar roles in a non-public healthcare system, too, to get an idea of what the salary range could be if you left in a few years.

    11. In the span of less than 12 months, I went from making $250k (associate in Big Law in California) to making $85k (associate at small town Midwest law firm) to making $50k (higher ed staff role in the same Midwest town). The first pay cut sounds more dramatic but was largely offset by the geographic move and my husband’s promotion from postdoc to tenure-track professor. The second pay cut was bigger than it sounds, especially because there was much more growth potential at the law firm – even if I hadn’t made partner I probably could have gone into a counsel role eventually making $150k+ whereas in higher ed I only received tiny cost of living raises that didn’t keep pace with inflation. After 10 years in that job, I left making $56k which is quite a bit real less in dollar pay than when I started.

        $75k as a single person seems tight, unless you live in a really affordable place. Two people each earning $75k for a HHI of $150k is very doable. But $75k HHI will be hard in most of the country.

    12. Maybe try living on $75k for 6 months and saving the rest. If you can happily do it, great! You can go into a lower paying job with a nice cushion. If you’re not happy on that salary, better to find out before it’s permanent.

    13. I would not assume your pay will increase to six figures in a few years. Pay increases are not guaranteed, and in this economy, a lot of organizations are not even offering cost-of-living increases. Maybe you’d be qualified to be promoted quickly, but that doesn’t mean it will happen. There has to be a business need for that, not just the qualifications.

    14. I’ve taken a five-figure pay cut to change jobs before. But the job came with a much more flexible schedule, a better retirement package, and a timeline to a higher wage than I would have made had I stayed in the job I left.

    15. Insane. It’s called work for a reason. If you need to change something, change the job but don’t take a 100k pay cut. Especially if you’re single. You need to provide for yourself. Don’t be crazy. Work is work.

        1. I disagree. You spend most of your waking adult life working/commuting/, prepping for work. If you really hate it like the OP does, it sounds like hell to condemn yourself to that role for the next 30 years. I might feel different;y if there were some other redeeming features of her current job other than just more cash. If I was her, with no plan for kids and no current partner, I would focus on living the life I want today. And the earlier you make a career change, the better. She’s clearly smart. She will do well in whatever she decides.

           There are a lot of us that work in fields that drive us. I’m in medicine, and I feel lucky.

    16. I went from $135 to $80k but it was Covid times and I was unemployed and had cancer and was the health insurance carrier for my family. My husband makes around $400k and carries the house expense. I’m currently unemployed again (thanks PE budget cuts) and am going from $165 to applying to a role I really want that is $135 and hybrid so will be a little more expensive. But I also recognize the market I’m in (two former employers tried to higher me and couldn’t get it final approved after multiple rounds approving). And I’m seeing too many people out of work for a year or more, I’m 50, and I’m in a field being upended by AI. To do it by a whim because I thought something would be more fun, I’d argue strongly against. Salary has so little to do with level of stress from what I’ve seen, and every job has good and bad. That’s a whole lot of sacrifice, unless you have a higher earning spouse.

    17. Is there nothing higher paying in healthcare that you can apply for? You may find it less boring and frustrating, but I doubt it’s $$$,$$$ less boring and frustrating. I wouldn’t want to take a pay cut that was wildly disproportionate to how much less I disliked the job.

    18. I’ve taken a five-figure cut, but I was married and had a nice low mortgage payment. I’m all for career changes but if I were you I’d hold out for something that pays more, unless you are in a very very LCOL area.

    19. There are a lot of choices between do something you hate for the next 30 years and take this particular job. Why don’t you spend some time looking for other roles that interest you in compliance or healthcare or a different aspect of finance? I wouldn’t drop to $75k salary as a single adult, that’s not a lot of wiggle room for emergencies and saving for the longterm (particularly if you have parents you need to help support now or down the road).

    20. I did. I apparently “took the cake” for largest pay cut to accept a job, going from being an associate at a BigLaw firm to the U.S. Attorney’s Office to be a prosecutor. Never looked back, but 1) the AUSA job was astonishingly prestigious, which I learned was important to me; 2) I had managed to save up some money, qualified for a mortgage and bought a modest house, replaced my end-of-law-school 13-year-old car, and paid off most of my law school loans; and 3) it was a fantastic job for the autonomy, the interesting work, the collegiality of team mates, the exposure and learning on the job, the quality of supervision, etc. Even now, decades later, no longer at that office but still a fed, I earn less than a first year lawyer makes at BigLaw. But I have no regrets and feel I have had an amazing career in service to the people of the United States.

12. moms of high schoolers – my freshman has his first ever AP test coming up. it’s one of his star subjects (history — last year his history teacher wrote us to thank us for having such an awesome kid who knew so much random trivia) so I want to make extra double sure he gets a 5. how early should he be studying, how long extra? TIA

    1. Is he in AP History (in which case, the teacher should be all. over. this.) or taking it as a DIY because he just knows the subject so well?

    2. Why in the world are YOU making extra double sure he gets a 5? This is his test, not yours.

       1. Seriously. And he’s a freshman. I bought my kids the AP review guides on Amazon and trust that they will use it and do what their teacher recommends. I have no idea what one kid did last year other than the AP score and both of them today are either doing or not doing their own thing. I have a job to attend to, so am not micromanaging. I pay and I drive for the one with no license. Otherwise, they need to Do The Things.

          Invest in a process that gives you an independent adult at 18. That means he does the work or doesn’t but understands that his actions have consequences. And if he FAFO on this, he has three other years to work on it. If he wants to be a history major, he may use a 5 to place out of an intro class, but he may still have to do the same # of credits of coursework. And if not, he will also be fine.

          1. This. AP is a decent way to get a different type of challenge, but idgaf about testing out of a bunch of courses.

       2. THIS

       3. Right? Good Lord just relax.

    3. Omg let him do this himself.

    4. of course I’m going to let him do the work himself — this is more a question of how much work I should be seeing him put into it as a parent. This is a kid who is currently watching Money Heist (again) while doing all of his other homework and who keeps missing easy f’ing points because he decided he was too cool to turn in the assignment.

       1. I gotta say, nagging him is not going to help. He may have to learn this lesson in his own. Also, it is not the end of the world to get less than a 5.

       2. Okay, let him learn his lesson then.

       3. So, my brother was like this and it drove my Type A mother absolutely bananas. (I was the older daughter and similarly Type A so he threw her for a loop!!)

          He was (and is) super smart but saw no reason to give the incremental effort to get a 99% when 92% got him the same ultimate grade of A. And d–mned if he didn’t pull it off every. single. time.

    5. It’s been decades since I took an AP history test but it’s a lot more than random trivia. I don’t understand why he’s taking this without taking the corresponding AP course first, and it’s an odd endeavor for freshman year. Is AP history not offered at his high school? All my AP classes were taken in the spring of the year I took the class; I did zero extra studying for them, and got all 5s.

    6. I have to agree with everyone else. My kid is taking his first AP exam, he’s got a 100 average in the class, and he’s starting to panic because his teacher said he should have started studying 2 weeks ago, and he can’t find the time. My response? Shrug. There are far, far worse things for a smart kid to “fail” on than an AP exam. I’ll be there to pick up the pieces if/when he doesn’t get a 4 or 5, but this is a learning opportunity for him, and I’m standing back and offering him the chance to learn.

    7. Butt out.

    8. If he’s at a decent high school, enrolled in the course and making “A” grades, there shouldn’t really be any extra studying. The point of an AP course is that it prepares you for the exam, and an A in the class is supposed to correspond to a 5 on the exam. I only studied for AP exams where I wasn’t enrolled in the course.

       1. This.

          He is taking the AP class, right? That’s the studying.

          The only additional thing I recall was our history teacher used to pose some questions on exams that were in the format of the AP test. It is likely his teacher is doing the same. That was useful, but not something I repeated while studying.

          If he doesn’t know how to think and how to write, he isn’t going to learn that cramming for an AP test in History.

    9. My then-freshman took the test and got a 4. He learned all on his own that he probably should’ve prepped more, and that some time-intensive extracurriculars impacted that, as did some questionable time management skills. All this to say, you can’t do this for them!

    10. “Thank you for having such an awesome kid.”

        Woof

        1. Not OP, but I’ve gotten this multiple times – I’m wondering if standards have gotten that low (my kids are good kids, but nothing special) or if teachers just say it to all the parents of decent kids.

           1. The latter

    11. Clearly not worth going into more detail here but fwiw he’s getting Bs and Cs and yes of course is taking an AP class.

        1. I don’t think Bs and Cs translate to a 5, so I agree he needs to prep. Even if he were getting straight As, tests don’t only test the material: they test test-taking and familiarity with the exam format. So he should get and complete practice tests to learn how the test works.

        2. You sit back and let him do his thing because this is his life and not yours. Bs & Cs do not indicate that he will get a 5 on his AP exam, so decide if you actually love your kid enough to let him be not-perfect.

        3. If he’s getting Bs and Cs he probably won’t get a 5, but that’s ok. You can’t really cram for the AP history test. The score is mainly based on writing and analysis, not reciting random history facts.

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