Tuesday’s Workwear Report: London Sweater Jacket in Cotton Cashmere
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Who’s ready for summer air conditioning? An extra layer is a must if your thermostat is controlled by someone who runs hot.
This collared sweater blazer from Alex Mill is a perfect option for days when you need to look pulled-together but also need to be WARM. The brass buttons and fitted silhouette give it a little more polish than your standard cardigan, but the cotton/cashmere blend will keep you nice and cozy.
The sweater is $248 at Tuckernuck and comes in sizes XS-XL.
Sales of note for 6/2:
- Nordstrom – Designer clearance up to 40% off!
- Ann Taylor – 30% off dresses, jackets, and shoes
- AYR – Ooh, good sale section — but lots on final sale. Readers love these comfy work pants and these jeans.
- Boden – 15% off new women's wear styles with code
- Express – Today only (6/2): all clearance up to 85% off when you take an extra 20-50% off
- J.Crew – 20% off $200, including new styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + 40-60% off everything else
- Loft – 60% off sale styles
- M.M.LaFleur– Up to 70% off, plus new styles added! (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off)
- Nordstrom Rack – Clear the Rack! Nice selection of Vince, Veronica Beard, Reiss and Rag & Bone, a ton of affordable work basics from Calvin Klein and dresses from Maggy London, Eliza J, and Donna Morgan
- Talbots – Buy one, get one 50% off everything!
Hello –
I’ll be in Glasgow with a free Saturday later this month. Any recs?
I like independent and used bookstores, thrift and consignment store shopping, and vegetarian food.
Thanks for any tips!
Oh fun! I’d go around Glasgow Uni or Southside? Also, Babs (a few minutes walk from Queen Street) has the best hummus I’ve ever had. Just bring me a giant bowl of that.
The Kelvingrove museum is wonderful – the Dali Christ painting is stunning, and the afternoon organ performance is lovely – you can hear it through the whole museum. We loved The Buttery restaurant delicious modern Scottish food and a great selection of beer, wine, and whiskey. I don’t remember if they had veg options. There were a couple charity shops near Central Station, I don’t remember if they were on Trongate or Stockwell. The Hidden Lane Tearoom on Argyle was lovely, and there are some cute shops in that hidden space, including antique and consignment shop. If you want to go afield a bit (a 25 minute train ride), Pollok Country Park was very noce – lots of country walking, Highland Cows, and a small, well-curated art museum with a veg friendly cafe. Enjoy! We loved Glasgow, the people were so friendly.
Thank you both very much!
+1 to the Kelvingrove and if the gyro food truck is parked out front DO IT
Since you’re a book(store) lover, I would say read Shuggie Bain before you go– it’s long, so start now.
Alex Mill is like JCrew and LL Bean had a baby, yes?
Ha, yes, with old school Jcrew quality and more modern cuts (boxy but also cropped).
I was so, so excited to read about this mysterious new store until I got to “boxy and cropped” – the worst fit ever for my curvy self :(
Yes! I have a rugby style shirt dress and it is good quality and also boxy.
I’m looking for a t-bar type shoe but with a low heel (even flat is OK). On the not-casual side of the shoe spectrum.
Look at the Debbi pumps from Vagabond Shoemakers.
Wow — this is a new brand to me and I love so many of their shoes. Any reviews from wearers IRL? My feet are getting to the point that anything that runs even slightly narrow in the toe area is a hard no.
Vagabond is a Swedish brand, so is more generous than many. They are not narrow, but not wide enough that it is a feature.
In my experience they are comparable to Clarks.
For other T-strap shoes, look at character shoes for theatre musical artists.
Boden has a couple of options: the round toe t-bar flat and the t-bar point flat, though sizes are a bit limited. I’ve had consistently good look with their shoes in terms of comfort and durability.
Fun question-need a pair of go-to summer sandals. What are you going for? I was thinking white Birkenstock gizehs, honestly bc I saw an ig influencer recommended them. They look fresh to me, but I’m not stylish. Anyway, looking for easy summer sandal recommendations!
I hate this style, but the look has been around. So not necessarily “fresh”, but if it works for your personal style, go for it! I have a pair of faux leather gold birks from years ago and love them.
To be clear I love my gizeh Birks, but they are not fresh, they have been around for like 15 years.
Birkenstock Gizehs are the go-to 40-something mom sandal in my non-trendy Midwest city. I wear mine a lot (I’m a 40-something mom and they’re super comfortable) but I don’t think they’re fresh or trendy by any stretch of the imagination.
Tip about buying Birkenstocks: unless you wear a narrow shoe in your regular life, don’t get the narrow Birks, even though they are heavily marketed as suitable for all women and it’s hard to get regular width in many stores. I bought a narrow for my first pair and gave them away.
personally i find the thong less comfortable than other fits but yes, i think white birkenstocks are a reasonably current look for summer. like the madrid with the big buckle is another option….
The Madrid big buckle is fresher, IMHO (caveat I’ve been wearing them since 2020 or so though)
I have the thong and the Arizona straps version and I find the thong a little less comfortable then the straps version of the Arizona.
But that big buckle version was awful! I bought that thinking it was more current but it would not stay on my feet! So I only wear it if I have to walk very short distances, and my toes are hanging on to the shoe for dear life so they don’t fall off!
I wear several colors of the Donald Pliner Fifi sandal. They accommodate my stupid bunion.
I wish Birks work for my feet but they cause me so much pain. I just ordered a pair of slim Teva sandals in brown leather and expect those to be my summer sandals for touristy walks around beach towns/sightseeing.
Did you break them in? You have to wear them for very short periods (i.e. an hour at a time) at first and increase that time over a few weeks.
I have to wear the soft footbed version – and those work great for me! The original footbed is too hard.
I’ve been eyeing these: https://www.toms.com/products/womens-marin-slide-sandal-almond-crochet-10023098?variant=54785830682915
I’m partial to the Mayari, but I strongly prefer a toe loop in general for sandals.
Same. I like the Mayari and the Florida. The toe thing on the Gizeh bugged the heck out of me even when I was trying it on, so it’s a no-go. I do like the white Birks I’m seeing this season, OP.
I love saltwater sandals! I got the butter yellow color and since the color is trending, it makes them feel fresh to me.
I like sandals from el naturalista.
Thank you for the new to me brand that I now have to try!
Earlier in my career I almost exclusively wore dresses, now fashion, my commute, and my workplace has me in more pants. I’m also currently trying to lose weight (currently a 16/18). As a result, I need to find a couple of belts.
I’ve honestly never bought a belt not to be a fashion accessory over a dress. The couple I have received as hand me downs have been underwhelming to the extreme:
Fake leather flaking everywhere, refusing to stay closed etc. Sorry for what’s honestly a basic question. So, where does one shops for belts? Any recs? I’m interested in navy, black, and brown.
I like the skinny leather trouser belts from Banana Republic Factory. As a size 14/16, I have the L for things that hit at my natural waist (might be a bit snug for you; I wear this on a larger setting), and the XL for things that sit a little lower on my hips (the XL is too long for my natural waist).
They are nice thick actual leather with no coating to flake.
where do you buy pants? most stores sell accessories like belts. i have a brown and a black that i bought at brooks brothers 20 years ago and hadn’t worn for a long time but just pulled out. they are real leather and i suspect their stuff still is. if you want something hipper or more casual, i also have one i bought at madewell which is also real leather. department stores? hard to know with the price point but if you looked at descriptions online should be able to avoid pleather. like crew, talbots, ann taylor, banana might be real leather but maybe not?
Price point is less than $75 per belt (though I would prefer lower). Thanks!
JCrew
I have a navy and a brown suede belt from Boden that I really love. I bought them last month. I’m wearing one now!
My Quince belts are reasonably decent.
I buy belts from nordies. I have B Low the Belt, rag & bone, All Saints, and a Nili Lohtan belt that I love. All are leather and I love them all.
I really like Talbots belts. They are really good quality leather for the price point. And a couple of times a year they add new styles, but they tend to stick with classic colors so you can almost find work appropriate picks.
real leather, and also recommend trying on in store as having the right size matters most to me. Like not just that it technically fits, but that the ‘extra’ after the hole you’re using is long enough to stay in your next belt loop without being too long & floppy.
Madewell! I love their belts. They’re leather and under $75, often much less if you catch a sale.
For belts that need to look nice/feminine, Talbots has never let me down.
For purely functional (outdoor labor type stuff), the men’s section of walmart, target, tractor supply, any outdoor store.
I bought a brown and a black belt to wear with trousers from Hank’s Belts. I am so much more impressed with their real leather belts than anything I’ve ever purchased from BR, JCrew, or other mall brands. All those belts are advertised as genuine leather, but they’re weird pressed leather that peels around the holes and the buckle.
As I near 40, my face is becoming so oily. My nose especially – all I can see is shiny, huge pores. I have gone years without “real” foundation, I used one shake of pressed powder once in the the morning and that lasted me all day. Now I have tried liquid and powder and hate everything. Cakey, thick, I can’t just do my nose/have to do whole face…. Seems like I’m shiny again/it comes off in a few hours. Any tips? My local Sephora suggested a 5- step full-face routine including primer, concealer, powder to liquid, setting powder, setting spray, and I simply can’t go from basically zero to that type of routine. Also, Tried oil blotting sheets but didn’t seem to work.
How are you feeling? (Is this the only change you’re noticing as you near 40?)
A few things – make sure you’re doing a proper double cleanse to fully remove the oil before your facial cleanser. I like a tea tree oil cleanser in the summer for extra clarifying. I also use less moisturizer (sometimes a serum only) and a mattifying sunblock (the canmake Kbeauty one) to help with shine. Finally, the innisfree no sebum setting powder is magic and cuts the shine entirely for me.
I recently did a laser for sun damage and was pleasantly surprised that it also helped diminish pore size!
I like the Maybelline BB Creams. You don’t need to anything like full face, just blend with a good tool. I like Beauty Bender sponges.
Try Neutrogena HydroBoost water gel moisturizer, then your makeup. Make sure it’s the water gel formula for normal to oily skin, not the water cream. It has dimethicone in it, which is in a lot of primers, but for some reason none of those worked as well as this product does for me.
I might just try a setting mist like Charlotte Tilbury airbrush (they make one in matte) – actually the search “best setting mist for oily skin” brings up a lot of products that might be worth checking out.
also try Missha’s “soft finish” sunscreen — i’ve gotten it from amazon and been happy but ymmv. but it’s like sunscreen with a powdery finish, hard to explain but really nice.
I had the same issue recently also around 40 and it started causing acne. Got spironolactone and tretinoin and that made a huge difference for me. My hair and face are mostly back to normal. I too just use a touch of Bobbi brown powder foundation and have been focusing on skincare so I can keep doing that. I can’t get over the feel of liquid foundations and have tried many recently. Agree with the poster above on using a gel moisturizer, I use Purito Oat In Gel but there are a lot on the market. Curious to see what others recommend!
I have oily skin and visible pores on my nose too – the only foundation I can stand on my face is a “stick” as opposed to a liquid, which I find gets cakey and weird during the day. I just use my finger to dot it where I want it, kind of like concealer, and then blend with a sponge or my fingers. I am loving the Ilia “Skin Rewind Blurring Foundation” stick, I got it at Sephora and use that plus some powder overtop to set. Sometimes I use a mattifying primer but more often than not, I don’t. Give a stick foundation a try!
Switch to a water based foundation. I like Dior Backstage Face & Body foundation, it’s very light and stays on. Ciele is another good choice. Some makeup artists prefer to go light on the nose for a less makeup-y look (Violette)
I have a pair of colorful suede sneakers. They look a bit grimey from wearing in a city. Do you clean yours or brush gently? Or just accept as legit patina?
clean with a brush
Next time, before you take them out on the street, spray with a suede protective spray. Repeat it each Spring after getting them as clean as you can. Current shoes, only use a suede brush.
This
Mr. Clean Magic Erasers.
I need a few outfits for my college reunion coming up soon – think daytime casual, one casual evening and one dressier evening. Weather should be nice! It’s a pretty casual place overall. 20th reunion. What would you wear? Links appreciated! I’m having trouble planning this out!
during the day: short full jeans or colored pants. cute sneakers. sweater or tshirt with cute jacket depending on your style
casual evening: jeans, cute summer top, sandals
dressier evening: dress
where do you live? I am older than you but have recently leaned into the small boutiques in ritzy suburban towns. they tend to have curated options and a sales force of middle aged affluent mommies who like to offer advice and help you with fit and selection.
It was a lot of walking and standing so I got some cute fashion sneakers in my school’s colors and just wore them everywhere. I want the only one. No fancy events even when I had a big reunion year at my school.
I just attended one – two casual outfits that seemed to land were: wide legged pants not blue denim (e.g., tan, green) with a fitted nice quality tee and cute sandals; college tee with jeans and cute sneakers and a denim jacket in a different wash of jeans.
Oh, and the smallest most comfortable purse you have — it’s nice to be hands free and light when hanging out on campus.
Could something like this help me corral office paper? Or is there a way to get higher sides? Thinking: 3) not urgent but need to review like CLE mailings, thank you notes; 2) not urgent but need to handle that week like notices from regulators, hard copy docs my partners want me to look at; 1) urgent like services of process, checks my firm needs me to sign that day, etc.
I have piles and I need something that is not in a closed cabinet. I don’t manage paper well. Thinking this could sit on the floor next to my desk but there’s a limit to how much fits? Would things get lost if it’s not vertical? My desk is 100% covered with my docking station, Teams webcam, monitors, and desk phone, so I can’t easily fit a flat organizer.
Some options:
https://www.qvc.com/mind-reader-3-tier-wall-mounted-file-organizer.product.H515392.html?colorId=012&sizeId=668
https://www.uline.com/Product/Detail/H-12753/Wire-Mesh-Desk-Accessories/Wire-Mesh-5-Tier-Wall-File?pricode=WE0312&gadtype=pla&id=H-12753&ad_group_id=197819642804
Of those two, choose the first one with only three pockets.
Top pocket would be TODAY with the stuff you cannot leave your office without completing.
Second would be THIS WEEK with the stuff you need to do by end of week.
Third would be, sometime, god willing. Also known as could actually throw it away, but hey, maybe I’ll get the time. ;)
If you can’t handle things behind doors, don’t make an advanced system, just make sure to catch the glass balls.
I’m RTO in an office with a huge wall of windows and a western exposure. Treat it like a green house and try to grow a lime tree? Some type of dwarf citrus?
What?
You don’t need to contribute this. Huuuhhh???!!!
It could be fun to try! My mom successfully grows lemons on one of these potted trees. There’s a place near me that sells a nice variety of them from its own actual greenhouse.
Go for it. Maybe a meyer lemon? I have a ridiculous number of orchids in my office because I love them, but they’re toxic to cats so can’t live at my house.
What is the secret to keeping orchids alive? I was given one recently and it is pretty today. Maybe not tomorrow.
I maintain they’re really pretty easy, though my coworkers always seem to be amazed that mine stay alive. My orchid care steps: 1) repot in a real orchid pot with orchid “soil” (which is usually mostly bark or moss) instead of the plastic pot it comes in. 2) water once a week by putting it under running water for about a minute (or if the pot is small enough, you can dunk it in a container of water for a minute and then take it out and let it drain). 3) fertilize about once a month. They don’t like sitting their roots sitting in water (hence the orchid pots with holes) and like bright, indirect light and seem very happy with my SE facing large office window.
I do this and mine bloom about every 6-9 months and the blooms last about 3-4 months. Once they’re done blooming, I cut the flower stalk down to about the second leaf node (if it’s still green; all the way off if it turns brown)
Calamondin trees are supposed to do well in pots and be the most forgiving citrus. Do ittttt!
I love plants and I would make the most of this by getting an assortment of tropical houseplants. We have big western windows in my office anf nearly everyone has several plants. Almost makes up for how ungodly hot it gets on summer afternoons.
Yes go for it! If the first one goes well get some more and have a huge citrus forest!
Don’t you need humidity for citrus? My office is dry dry dry.
When I look at pictures of myself socially, I’m happy with the way I look in photographs. However, I’ve recently noticed that in all of my work or professional photos, I look really dumpy and heavier (I’m 5’3″ and an hourglass 10P). Considering I don’t feel this way with all photos, this leads me to believe it could be a fit issue with my work clothes as opposed to just not liking the way I look in photos. I think this is partially because I’ve had to start wearing solely flat shoes as a result of a foot injury and I think I’m used to seeing myself professionally in heels (and had to get all of my suit pants re-hemmed). I wear mostly Ann Taylor, Boden, and similar stores and my basic style is pant + button up silky shirt and occasionally a suit. Is this potentially a tailoring issue or just an overall clothing quality issue? Help me like the way I look in professional photos too!
It could be tailoring, but it could also just be a silhouette issue. Pants plus a tucked-in button-up shirt can easily make anyone look chopped in half and dumpy. What is your casual wear like? Are the lines very different from those of your workwear? For example, do you wear wide-legged pants in one setting and straight-leg in the other? What kinds of tops do you wear casually? Or are you a dress person in the off hours?
What kind of photos are these that you’re seeing and disliking? Something that’s getting posted on a website, or a candid photo? They must be full-length photos of some kind for you to be concerned about your shoes?
The tailoring issue would come in if you’re not wearing petite sizes, and your sleeves are too long, blazers are fitting well, or pants rises / lengths are off.
(Also, make sure you’re not comparing your proportions or frame to taller or slimmer women who were also in the photos. )
The blouse is unstructured and so may look droopy in photos. Try wearing something structured for work photos like a jacket or swacket and see if that is all it is.
I’m 5’2, with curves, but a smaller size. I always feel like I look dumpy in a button up shirt and pants. I think it just overwhelms my small frame in a way it doesn’t on taller women. The shirts seem to tuck in poorly or are too long, or if I’m bloated (which seems to be nearly always) it just doesn’t look good. The transition to flats also probably aren’t helping you as you lose height and length in the leg. I suggest looking at photos that you do like and trying to figure out what it is that you like about them with great specificity, and then going to a department store and trying on some new types of outfits in person. Try stuff that’s out of the ordinary for you with an open mind. I find this is helpful when you’re stuck in a “uniform” rut that isn’t working for you. You might find something that looks really great on you but you would have looked past it online because it’s not your normal go-to.
It might be the clothes/tailoring but I’m wondering whether the professional photos posed in a way the social ones are not. Posed work photos always feel slightly forced to me in some way, so that even when I otherwise like everything about my look I don’t like the picture of it.
For me, this shift happened last year. Vanity sizing was part of the problem but also I’d lost some muscle, so while I weighted the same my proportions changed.
Tailoring and weight training was my solution. I like wearing heels, but they don’t like me back. I wear wedges a lot under pants.
Anyone following the legal drama between Patagonia and Pattie Gonia? To me, it looks like a clear-cut case of Patagonia needing to protect its trademark and the lawsuit being for just $1 speaks volumes about Patagonia’s character.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rRi8LptvFZY
This is a board of lawyers everyone is going to be team corporation obviously.
Aww, don’t sell this board short! We’ve also got members of team TERF here!
/sarcasm
Because they understand trademark law and how it works, which is not how people think it should work. The law on this is clear.
BigLaw partner here and I am so not team Patagonia on this one. Optics alone make this an insane move.
Do you practice trademark law? They are suing for $1 after repeated requests to stop using the identical font logo on outdoor gear.
Really? I’d be more upset at Patagonia if they allowed this to happen. For some of us, the optics are fine.
Agreed.
Yup
Im not an IP lawyer but from my vague recollection of that area of law doesnt Patties use constitute satire or something? And, wouldnt Patagonia have to prove that Patties use creates legitimate confusion aming customers?
The main issue now is that he uses logos for his brand that are blatant rip-offs of Patagonia’s logo. Here’s an example of his merch: https://snowbrains.com/patagonia-wants-to-settle-pattie-gonia-lawsuit/
It’s not a rip off it’s satirization. It’s very common for bands to do this with ‘manly’ logos like beer/tools/trucks and never get sued.
It doesn’t come across as satirical, so it just missed the mark.
The images don’t look satirical, though. I can see why Patagonia is pursuing this (for a whole dollar).
Ohh thanks for clarifying what this was even about. I see the issue here.
Protect it from mockery or from what exactly?
Pattie is not a good person and is coming across really badly in all of this. Team Patagonia, I guess.
How so? The advocacy and fundraising for LGBTQIA issues and environmental issues is pretty good in my book. Or is this simply a matter of conflating good with nice?
The cause is good, but the tactics are not. Pattie is a bit of a local celebrity in my area, and yeah — not a nice person at all.
Good and nice are not synonymous. Infact I’d argue all truly good people are not nice because often the right thing isn’t popular.
Can you say more? This is an anonymous board so should be safe to spill the tea!
Just want to say, was not following but this was a delightful lunch time distraction.
The Voltaire and Rousseau used bookstore is amazing! Any of the shops and restaurants on Ashton Lane are delightful. For vintage clothes, check out Starry, Starry Night. And if you want really incredible food, check out the restaurant “Number 16”. All of these are in the West End, fairly close to each other.
OP here –
Thank you!!
What a blessing this board is!
My 12-year-old son is autistic. He has always loved wearing bright, colorful clothes, so I buy him really fun and silly summer outfits. He likes to wear a rash guard and swim trunks all day long during the summer, whether he’s swimming or not. His current favorite is this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CTJKJRCP?ref_=ppx_hzsearch_conn_dt_b_fed_asin_title_3&th=1&psc=1
He’s also mentioned that he thinks it would be cool to dye his hair red someday (it’s light brown now).
My husband feels uncomfortable with how “quirky” my son is all the time. He walks with a little skipping step, the way he talks sometimes sounds a bit off, and he often talks about things like ceiling fans or stuff that happened when he was little, instead of more typical topics.
I wouldn’t say “no” if my son asked for something like red hair—I’m open to that. But I do wonder if by helping him with all his little wishes, I might be hurting his chances of fitting in or feeling like he belongs. For example, the swimsuit I gave him was a gift I chose for him; we painted his nails because he saw girls do it at school and I offered him some of my nail polish if he wanted to try. (Or for the red hair, should I let him bring it up a few more times instead of immediately starting to search for kid-safe hair dyes?) (L’Oreal Colorista?!)
So, I’m asking myself—what’s the difference between supporting and accepting my son as he is, versus dressing him in “weird” clothes just to show I’m accepting of his autism?
Just so you’re aware: He doesn’t attend a public school, but rather a private Catholic school for kids with special needs (mostly ASD). Because of that, he’s usually in a uniform. However, in two years, that will change, and we’ll need to decide where to send him for high school. Honestly, I don’t really know what his sexual orientation is at this point, and whatever it turns out to be, I’ll support him. When the whole pronoun debate was happening, I read that some autistic people use “fae” pronouns, and I could imagine him choosing that in the future. But I definitely won’t bring it up to him… but I guess that’s another example of where is the line between being supportive and pushing him towards something?
Does your son care about fitting in? If not, and this is how he wants to present himself, carry on with what you’re doing. Honestly, quirky kids are not going to fit the typical, stereotypical mold, even if they try to. What you’re hoping for is people and peers who accept who they are. I have a fairly quirky kid, and he went through a stage around your son’s age when he wore nail polish and bright clothes. Now at 16, he would never do that. Adolescents tend to care a lot more about fitting in, though that’s not a universal thing. Your kid is on the cusp of that, so things may change. And if they don’t, that’s OK, too.
It’s hard to say. Kids are very easily influenced, that’s for sure, and they can be very suggestible. I wouldn’t personally be jumping to purchase hair dye after one or two comments about it.
I commented above, but I agree with this. Unless/until my kid is actually ASKING for alternative hair colors, I tend to think they’re just thinking out loud and aren’t intending to actually pursue the thing.
Same. Honestly it sounds like at this point you are driving the red hair bus.
Agreed. Don’t be that parent.
Agreed.
FWIW, I would also let him opine more about the clothes too. I would try taking him shopping with you and see what he gravitates to on his own. It might still be the colorful clothes (and that is great!), but he might also be interested in something more basic.
Yep, but, if it becomes a bigger thing and it’s clear this is really important to them (I would not bring it up, but let them drive the convo), consider Overtone. I’ve done it a few times for my kids and it lasts maybe 1-3 weeks. On my blond kiddo we leave it in for maybe 15 minutes, I’m sure if we left it the full time on her it would last longer. Brunette takes more time. Anyway, it seems to scratch the itch without being a long term commitment to start, and of course if it turns into something they want to make more permanent you can then move on to other options.
I’d let him actually pursue the hair dye vs. facilitating (like if he’s at the step of shopping, then you can bring up your kid-safe concern). I say this since it sounds like you’re facilitating a lot, and he’s probably getting to an age where he can work on his agency and autonomy a little more generally, and that will help with the “pushing towards” concern too.
My mom bullied me so hard into fitting in. As soon as I was free I started dying my hair purple and getting tattoos. We dont talk much because I just don’t need that energy in my life. I think my parents never expected much of me because I wasn’t popular (just very good academically) but shocker turning your special interest into a career makes you a super expert and quite well paid.
This is the part that interests me: “helping him with all his little wishes.” I’d spend some time looking at how much of this you’re doing for him, and how much of this “helping with all the little wishes” is doing something for you, or helping you feel good or better in some way.
My recommendation would be to let go of the kinds of helping that are more about you than about him, and keep on with the ones that seem to be really coming from him.
I have and autistic kid and I don’t really worry about him fitting in. He will never totally fit in, and that’s ok. Of course I want him to have friends, but so far he hasn’t had too much trouble finding a few other quirky kids to bond with. He actually kind of has a reputation for being “cool” at school because he doesn’t feel limited by what other people think of him, while a lot of kids fear peer judgment acutely.
Specifically on the clothing front, can you take him shopping with you and let him pick out things so you’re not “dressing him” so much as letting him express himself?
I have a similar kid but he is also concerned about ‘fitting in’ but doesn’t want to change how he expresses himself. Our current solution is often middle school cool brands like Nike or Quiksilver or Adidas in the bright patterns/colors he loves. Not for everything but for sneakers, coat, hoodies etc.
He has previously expressed interest in dying his hair but I felt like that was more about seeing how we would react. He has peel off nail polish in some dark and some bright colors that he experiments with but rarely wants to leave longer than a day.
Don’t push. Just be a safe place for him to ask questions about options especially for temporary changes.
Lately, people have been reacting badly to my facial expressions. It’s happening when I’m concentrating on something and then am interrupted by a question. Both at work and at home. I don’t know what my face looks like, and I’m not doing it on purpose, but it must be adjacent to RBF because I get asked if something’s wrong.
IDK, I’m clearly putting some weird vibes into the world. I can be minorly frustrated about something, and even if I’m using what sounds to me like a neutral tone of voice, I get feedback like, “Oh, don’t let it get you down!” or something equally inane. Like … yeah, I know it’s not that big of a deal. You asked what I was thinking about and I told you. Sorry that I didn’t have a smile on my face while doing so?
TBH, I’m going through a stretch when my anxiety is high (working on it), and I swear I’m trying to not show it. Clearly not succeeding, and it makes me feel even worse! And part of me is like, geez, people, please let me be human like the rest of you. I’m tired of being the person responsible for it all.
Perhaps relevantly, I’m 45. So maybe my face is drooping more than I realized, or my perimenopausal attitude is just out of control. I don’t know.
I so hate to suggest this, but do you have facial furrows that could benefit from filler? I have an acquaintance who’s looked p1ssed off since she was 22 when I met her. She’s nice and happy, but has always had a killer case of the 11s. If I were her, I’d get Botox just so I didn’t face the world with a face that’s perceived as actively angry. (She genuinely looks like she’s scowling all the time. It’s severe.)
Or just Botox. I get it for my “1” (instead of “11”) and look much more relaxed.
But if it’s at home too, it does sound like it’s your energy right now. Is there any way you can take more time out for yourself?
I don’t have the 11s! I think I’m drooping a bit around the mouth area, which might be causing this, but I am not interested in fillers and whatever else people do.
It might not be you. I have a cousin who almost always gets the tone off when someone complains about something minor – “omg I’m so sorry, are you OK? thinking of you <3" and NOT in a sarcastic way. Sometimes people just don't read signals well.
I wouldn’t take it personally or overthink it right now. When I look around zoom calls, almost everyone has a frown on their face or has some odd body mannerism like covering their mouth with their hand or something. The 50 year old men who are frowning at everyone deep in thought are not worried about their faces! I actually had a CEO call me out once when I frowned in a meeting (it was an ultra uncomfortable meeting where he was berating my boss, so yeah I was frowning!). I reassured him I wasn’t being critical of him, and he moved on and forgot about it. I think as long as you are reassuring to people when they question your expression, you’ll put them at ease. You can consciously try to relax your face, but it’s also tiring trying to perform happiness and ease all day.
Seeking prayers, sage-burning, etc.
Spouse is heading to his mom’s. MIL lives with a SIL. SIL moved home back when MIL was able to do steps and drive and cook. MIL lives on a couch in the living room and just has access to a powder room. The house is the sort where I don’t think you could even get a visiting health aide — it’s hoarded and has a lot of deferred maintenance; it’s obviously got some mold growing somewhere (but not that black mold that you could see). IDK at what point this becomes elder neglect, but it will be really hard for spouse to be there and watch what feels like a sinking ship. MIL is a really, really passive person who doesn’t want to make any fuss. Nothing is also really wrong with her with health or mental faculties. I know — not my circus, but I will be the one getting an earful daily during the trip and likely for a while after.
Clearly something is wrong with both women’s health.
Agreed, but not in a way that shows up in a medical chart. Anxiety, depression? Probably. Something that you call 911 or even make an appointment for? Some people just limp along slower and slower until they stop. I guess, how much do you think that someone will likely die peacefully in their sleep one day vs accidentally start a fire cooking or have some sort of skin pressure wound that gets infected and them sepsis? Planning on being lucky is the same thing as not planning at all.
OMG so true. I’ve said this before, but my parents’ stated “plan” was “We plan to be carried out of here feet first.” Which they were. Only problem was, when they were carried out feet first they were still alive, and I had to SCRAMBLE to figure out what to do!
OP, I think your husband should see what he can do to get them some help.
Maybe. I would bet a lot that they haven’t had thorough work up. Medical neglect of older people is just so common. Get the same symptoms at thirty-five, seek a second opinion if you hit the “you’re just fatigued” brush off, and lo and behold, there’s a positive test result for a condition that can be treated.
But even if it’s just old age, they obviously need home help to stay on top of the condition of the house.
Call a social worker. (Local elder office?) They both need help.
Has anyone tried anything like this IRL? I feel that it’s theoretically a solution but (like informing on yesterday’s patio smoker) also something likely to blow up so that the initial problem becomes the smaller one.
I’ve seen this play out a lot of different ways. Either SIL will have health issues first, and it will become an issue that MIL cannot live independently, or MIL will end up having health issues and not be able to have a safe discharge home, etc.
Can your husband get a hotel room and spend time with his mom and sister out of the house?
I know of nothing one can do about a legally competent adult’s hoarding that helps them in a long-term and sustainable way if they don’t see the problem and desire help. It’s awful, but better to make the most of time together than to spend limited time together miserable and judging them.
Actual hoarding is different from low mobility, low energy, and illness behavior.
If it’s a problem of addictive acquiring of stuff, that’s different and MUCH HARDER than a pattern of “simply not handling things in the house” accumulating over time.
My husband works in home health, and most of the patients he visits live in very sad, decrepit, hoarder-type homes. This is not uncommon, sadly, as people age, become sicker, and lack help/resources.
It is what young people’s homes look like if they’re sick enough not to stay on top of things too.
Is he a mandated reporter? I wonder how many calls get made by home health, etc. Or is there a bad level that is still OK and you report if no heat / water?
I’m struggling to imagine what you think is being reported or what you think the outcome of reporting would be.
I always think of a former high earner who got a devastating diagnosis at around my current age and is mostly house bound now. Long term disability and the kind of medicare you can get when you’re young and disabled help with a lot of things, but it is really, very hard to find someone to just take out the trash. And prepared meals and home treatment generate a ton of trash.
And their world becomes smaller so things pile up around them. I call them forts.
This weekend is Dupont Kalorama Museums Consortium’s Walk Weekend, with free admission from to The Phillips Collection’s permanent collection, Anderson House, Dupont Underground, National Museum of American Jewish Military History, and The President Woodrow Wilson House.
The Phillips opens at 10 and I would plan on earlier rather than later in the day. Anderson House is also fun if you like a Gilded Age Mansion.
Can I wear a fancy flip flop (eg Donald Pliner Fifi) to a semiformal wedding? I’d really like to wear flats. My dress is a little too fancy and should probably be toned down a little and, honestly, I don’t like wearing heels. I’m also eyeing Raffia ballet flats.
No. At least wear a sandal
You can wear anything you like, of course. But I think the wooden sole makes this a suboptimal choice.